Daily Archives: July 23, 2012
Tangerine trees and marmalade skies
So…didn’t get around to posting when I got back in yesterday. I wound up sleeping in late here at Warsong Hold, and I’m actually a little fuzzy as far as what happened after my last post from the DEHTA camp.
Mokvar was supposed to come meet me here in Northrend, but he wound up getting held up by some business back in Orgrimmar. Luckily, Saurfang had his own in-house scribe on hand to keep a record. See for yourself.
Scene: High Overlord’s Command Room, Warsong Hold
[High Overlord SAURFANG paces back and forth, dictating to ADELENE SUNLACE, Inscription Trainer and personal scribe.]
SAURFANG
…and so, Chieftain Icemist, with the Scourge thwarted and the Nerubian threat contained, I believe the time is right for us to begin the long-overdue work of reclaiming the lost settlements of your taunka brethren and securing them under the banner of the Horde. I look forward to our continued correspondence. Honor go with us all—
RAZGOR
[From outside.]
High Overlord!
TO’BOR
[Outside]
Make way, mon! We be coming’ t’rough!
[Enter OVERLORD RAZGOR, Executive Officer of Warsong Hold, and WIND MASTER TO’BOR, propping up a staggering WARCHIEF GARROSH HELLSCREAM between them. The Warchief’s personal wyvern wanders in behind them.]
GARROSH
HA! Oh man, watch that last step, it’s a bitch! HAHA!
SAURFANG
Warchief! Men, what’s happening here?
TO’BOR
Da Warchief came flyin’ in on his wyvern, sir, an’ done come down unsteady on the landin’ platform. He tumbled right offa da wyvern an’ stumbled over to da wall, an’ fell right over da edge, mon!
RAZGOR
I saw him come in from the ground, High Overlord. The Warchief would have been badly hurt at the least, if the wyvern hadn’t swooped down and broken his fall.
SAURFANG
Thank the spirits for that much. Are you all right, Warchief?
[Garrosh peers back at the High Overlord quizzically for a long moment, then breaks into a wide grin.]
GARROSH
You’re like, all pruney and shit, you know that, Saurfang? HAHAHA!
SAURFANG
Well, he appears to be in good spirits, at the very least.
RAZGOR
Yes, sir.
TO’BOR
His eyes be lookin’ all bloodshot, dough, sir. Mon.
SAURFANG
So I noticed. I believe you men can release him, in any case.
[Razgor and To’bor release their grips on Garrosh, who stumbles forward, looks around, then starts to teeter to either side with his arms flailing around at his sides.]
RAZGOR
Whoa, hold on!
TO’BOR
Whoopsie-daisy-mon!
[They catch Garrosh again and steady him, then carefully let him go again. The wyvern walks up close to Garrosh and leans against him lightly on one side.]
SAURFANG
To’bor, if you would, why don’t you escort the Warchief’s animal to the stables.
TO’BOR
Yessir. Mon.
[To’bor grasps the wyvern’s harness and tries to pull it toward the side hall. The wyvern doesn’t budge, and after several tugs of increasing force from To’bor, it snarls at To’bor and snaps at him, forcing him to jump back.]
TO’BOR
Okay den, now we jus’ got to show da wyvern who da boss here!
[To’bor grabs at the wyvern by the scruff of its neck and tries to pull it toward the floor. As he does so, the wyvern spins its body in the opposite direction, yanking him over it; while he is disoriented, the wyvern grabs the hood of his cloak in its teeth, flings him onto the floor on his back, and pins him in place with one paw pressed firmly on his chest.]
GARROSH
HAH! That’s awesome! That’s it, Mortimer, show ’im who’s the alpha up in his bitch! Hahahaheeeeee… [Snorts.]
[To’bor struggles to get out from under the wyvern’s paw without much success.]
SAURFANG
So, then…Warchief…since you are…well…
GARROSH
Varok, buddy, I’m fuckin’ fantastic. [Chuckles uncontrollably.]
SAURFANG
Yes, I see…
GARROSH
[Continuously laughing while talking.]
Va-rok, Vaaaa-rok…hey, do people ever call you Rokky? Haha…because they totally should! You look like you could be a Rokky, dude.
SAURFANG
[Sighs.]
Warchief, listen to me very carefully. While you were at the D.E.H.T.A. camp, did anyone, by chance, offer you a brownie?
GARROSH
Haha, dude, who DIDN’T offer me a brownie? And, and let me tell you, Rokky… Heh…heh HA… Um… Yeah, so. So those salads they got there are shit, but dude the fuckin’ brownies are AMAZING. I… I think I had… um… [He holds both hands in front of his face, and moves fingers on both hands as if counting silently.] Um, yeah, a LOT! Hahah!
SAURFANG
Oh dear.
TO’BOR
I coulda been tellin’ you dat, mon.
GARROSH
Oh and DUDE, lemme tell you, those things are fuckin’ scumptious. [He blinks.] Um. Scumptious? No…scruntious. Scuntious.. Sc-rrrrrunnnn-tious. DAMMIT! Scummmmm-ptious… UGH! Dammit my tongue won’t say it right!
SAURFANG
Suffice to say they were flavorful, and we move on, shall we, Warchief?
GARROSH
NO, fuck that shit, I’m not going to let my stupid uncooperative tongue beat me! Scuntious! DAMMIT! Scruntious—FUCK, almost! Scumptious! Scumptious! Scruntious! SCUNTIOUS! DAMMIT DEFIANT TONGUE!
[Garrosh brings both hands to his face and starts poking around his mouth angrily, eventually pinching his tongue between the fingers of one hand and holding it at full extension. With his other hand, he hurriedly reaches behind him and draws Gorehowl.]
RAZGOR
Whoa!
TO’BOR
What you be doin’, mon?!
GARROSH
YOU DITHHODDOR DE HORDE, INTHOLENT DONGUE!
SAURFANG
Hold him, men!
[Saurfang and Razgor, aided by the wyvern holding the back of Garrosh’s belt in its teeth, grapple with the Warchief and eventually manage to get Gorehowl away from him. To’bor tries to get up to offer his aid as well, but the wyvern thwarts his every attempt to rise by flattening him against the floor again emphatically.]
TO’BOR
Dis be a strong wyvern ya got here, mon…
SAURFANG
Now then…Warchief …did your visit to the D.E.H.T.A. camp elucidate the current conundrum?
GARROSH
What the who?
SAURFANG
Did…you learn anything?
GARROSH
OH YEAH!
SAURFANG
Ah, good. What news, then?
GARROSH
Have you been over there before?
SAURFANG
I can’t say I’ve had the pleasure, no, Warchief.
GARROSH
Okay, so check it… [He stumbles shakily to Saurfang, puts one arm around his shoulder, and leans in close, then pokes at Saurfang’s chest with one finger every few words.] Okay. So. No matter…how sick you get of the salads… [He nods seriously a few times, then stares at Saurfang for several seconds.] What was I saying?
SAURFANG
Warchief?
[Garrosh continues his even stare for several seconds more, then looks around.]
SAURFANG
That would be you, sir.
GARROSH
What? OH YEAH, fuck, it is, right? HAHAHA, I’m Warchief – RECOGNIZE, bitches!
RAZGOR
Lok’tar!
TO’BOR
[Still pinned down by the wyvern.]
For da Horde!
[Saurfang glares at them impatiently and, behind Garrosh’s back, waves at them with one hand to stop.]
SAURFANG
So, Warchief… You were…starting to say about the D.E.H.T.A. camp? And…something about… [He sighs briefly.] …salads?
GARROSH
[His eyes go wide in recognition, and he resumes poking at Saurfang’s chest rapidly and energetically.]
OH YEAH! Fuckin’ hell yeah! SO! So, so, so, um… No matter how sick you get of the salads… If they offer you a burger… [His eyes widen as his face turns very serious.] DON’T.
[Saurfang watches him for a moment, purses his lips, then finally speaks.]
SAURFANG
Warchief…did they know anything pertaining to the problem of the armed animals across the various zones?
GARROSH
HOLY SHIT THEY DID, HOW DID YOU KNOW?! [Stares wide-eyed a moment, then starts laughing hysterically.]
SAURFANG
And…sir…what did they tell you?
GARROSH
Okay, okay, so. SO. They were talking ’bout this…nutjob druid who was nutjobby even for them, right? Like this guy was such a big animal lover, he didn’t even like shifting out of his animal forms, you know?
SAURFANG
Yes, sir…
GARROSH
Like…like… LIKE A BEAR! RAAAARRR!!! HahahahahaHA! Rar.
SAURFANG
Yes, sir.
GARROSH
Hahahahahahaaaa… Like a bear! RAR!
SAURFANG
[Rubs his forehead.]
Yes, sir. Like a bear.
[Garrosh leans against Saurfang, putting his face on the High Overlord’s shoulder, and laughing hysterically for a few moments.]
SAURFANG
Warchief…please try to focus. Was there anything else?
[Garrosh straightens up suddenly, and teeters for a moment. Razgor runs over close in anticipation of the Warchief falling over backwards.]
GARROSH
OOPS! Haha! Um, yeah, okay. SO. Um… So yeah, I’ve got a name to check up on, and one of them, the birdy lady what’s-her-face, um, she said the guy used to talk a lot about Stranglethorn Vale, and plus…um…yeah, what with him being a troll, he might be wandering around in the jungle there.
SAURFANG
Well, that’s a promising lead at least, Warchief.
GARROSH
Right you are, Rokky! HAHA! Vaaaa-rok! Varok Varok Varok! OH HEY! There once was a warrior named Varok!
TO’BOR
Here we go, mon…
GARROSH
Who passed on all servings of hamhock!
SAURFANG
True, I do not eat pork.
RAZGOR
Is that a religious thing?
SAURFANG
No, I just don’t dig on swine, that’s all.
GARROSH
Now I won’t deceive you —
He’ll pummel and cleave you,
And leave your sad ass really shellshocked.
EPIC VERSE![Garrosh throws both hands into the air as he yells “EPIC VERSE!!!” When he finishes the roar, he loses his balance and spills flat onto the floor, face-down.]
SAURFANG
Warchief! Are you all right?
GARROSH
[Slightly muffled from his face being on the floor.]
You know, this map on the floor looks fucking HUGE from down here! HAHA! [Punches the floor a few times while laughing.] You know what you need down here? One of those big fur rugs. Like…LIKE A BEAR! HAHAHA!
SAURFANG
Yes, sir…
RAZGOR
Like a bear.
TO’BOR
Rar, mon.
SAURFANG
What was that, anyway, Warchief?
GARROSH
What do you mean, what was that? That was EPIC VERSE! HAHAHA!
SAURFANG
I’m not sure I understand…
RAZGOR
Do you not read the blog?
SAURFANG
I rarely ever use that infernal machine.
GARROSH
Oh oh oh oh OH DUDE, you should totally get on the computer more, I could totally hook you up on Earth Online!
SAURFANG
Should I know what that is?
RAZGOR
It’s this thing on the internet.
GARROSH
Yeah, dude, it’s a really cool game.
SAURFANG
A…game?
GARROSH
Yeah, a computer game!
SAURFANG
And…you play this game, sir?
GARROSH
Hell yeah! I’m totally gonna sent you a RAF link after this. HAH that sounds funny — RAAAAAF hahaha…
SAURFANG
Warchief…you’re thirty-four years old.
GARROSH
RAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHAA… [Slapping his hands randomly on the floor while he laughs.]
SAURFANG
Come now, Warchief.
[Saurfang and Razgor help Garrosh back to his feet. As they lift him, Garrosh points to a spot on the floor and bursts out laughing again.]
GARROSH
Hey Saurfang! Hey! Check it, see that spot right there? That’s…hehehe…that’s the EXACT. SPOT. Where you told me that time…haha… where you told me you’d kill me before you let me lead the Horde to ruin!
[Garrosh leans against Saurfang, laughing hysterically while draping one arm each over Saurfang and Razgor, letting them hold him up. As his laughter grows weaker, he pulls them closer to him on either side.]
GARROSH
[Sob-laughing.]
I fuckin’ love you guys!
SAURFANG
[Aside.]
I’m sure Thrall had his reasons…
So, yeah. Maybe not the proudest day for me, but whatever. At least we’ve got a lead and can see about tracking down this loose cannon druid guy. Not sure what’s up with Saurfang’s scribe funky-ass formatting, but I guess not everybody’s going to do things Mokvar-style. If it works for Saurfang, fine.
I’ll be heading back to Orgrimmar. First, though, I need to see what they’ve got to eat around here. I’m fucking STARVING, dude. Not to mention, my sides are fucking killing me.