Horde Iron Chef (part 1)

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So today was kind of a festive day in Orgrimmar. Ever since the pandas came to town, Ji’s been pestering me off and on to let him introduce some of his traditional panda customs. Which struck me as kind of funny, seeing as pretty much any tavern or eatery owner who’s found their stock of food suddenly, totally depleted within like twenty minutes of ol’ Stuffed-With-Fluff waddling in the door has already gotten pretty damn familiar with the only real panda custom I know about. Still, though, Ji keep insisting there were some traditional events in panda custom that he thought would carry over pretty well. I was still kind of on the fence, but then I guess Lunchbox got in Spazzle’s ear about it (not hard to do, really, because LOOK AT THOSE EARS, right?) (HAHA I crack myself up sometimes), and then Spazzle got Boss Mida from the Bilgewater goblins into the loop on it, and then the word “sponsorships” came up, and did I MENTION teenage daughters are fucking expensive?

By the way, if you haven’t gotten your insurance straightened out, you totally should look into it.

Stop looking at me like that, dammit. An orc’s gotta put food on the table. And… apparently… dozens of outfits in the closet. Ugh.

But yeah, NOW we were in business. Like literally.

So the particular tradition in question in this case was this thing called the Pandaren Noodle Festival. Now, anybody who’s been over to Pandaria is probably pretty aware that those pandas love them some noodles. Look over any panda menu and you’re going to find noodles all over the place. And so apparently, in a lot of their villages, once a year they have a big festival where everyone in town whips up their best noodle dishes, usually family recipes or whatever, and everybody samples everybody else’s and sort of spends the day hanging out with music and booze and whatever else. And then everybody puts on like eleven pounds but who the hell even notices because pandas.

Anyhow, though, it sounded like a fun enough time, and with all the crap that’s gone on lately, people could probably use a morale boost, so I let Ji and some of his buddies go ahead and plan a big ol’ outdoor festival down in the Valley of Honor. We cleared out some space and let them set up some tables and kiosks, and I hear tell Deep-Dish has managed to get folks from all over the place to sign on to come contribute some grub. I even got Zaela to send up a few kegs of special dwarven brew that her people collected from some Wildhammer dwarves who apparently stumbled across some sort of mishap where they were caught outside during a storm and were mysteriously chopped up with axes. So, you know, a little more variety for the booze.

It’s been going on for most of the day today, and I have to say it seems like a pretty good time so far. We’ve got people dropping by Orgrimmar from all over to join the party. I’m even going to try to swing by myself once I get one last thing finished up here…

 

Liadrin, with a young blood elf girl in tow, approaches Mokvar, who’s munching on a bowl of noodles at one of the kiosks.

LIADRIN: Hello, Mokvar. It’s been too long.

MOKVAR: Liadrin! It’s good to see you again.

LIADRIN: I’m glad you’re finally back home. Things are smoothed over with Garrosh?

MOKVAR: They’re…a work in progress. But I’m managing. You’re in town for the festival, I’m guessing?

LIADRIN: After a fashion. I’ve actually been visiting Orgrimmar fairly regularly to help with Shayari since she arrived. When my duties in Silvermoon allow, of course.

MOKVAR: Right, so… I mean… is she really… you know… Garrosh’s daughter?

LIADRIN: That’s what all of Dr. Faranell’s tests indicate. If she’s a fraud, she’s a spectacularly effective one.

MOKVAR: How is Edwin, anyway?

LIADRIN: He’s well, so far as one can tell with him. I believe he’s around here some– Ah! Here she comes.

Shayari enters.

Shayari! A pleasure to see you.

SHAYARI: Hey, Liadrin. Beardy.

MOKVAR: Mokvar.

SHAYARI: Whatever.

hordeironchef1

LIADRIN: Shay, I’d like to introduce you to someone. Both of you, actually. This is my daughter, Salandria.

MOKVAR: I didn’t know you had children, Liadrin.

LIADRIN: I adopted Salandria some years ago, in the late stages of the Outland campaign. Initially to begin her training as a paladin, though she’s…currently exploring other career options.

SALANDRIA: In other words, she’s letting me take a year off to work on my music.

LIADRIN: <sighs> We all need some time “find” ourselves, I suppose… I’ve changed classes twice myself over the years, so I’m hardly one to criticize.

MOKVAR: Yeah, right there with you.

LIADRIN: At any rate. Being as Salandria is a bit younger than the other paladin trainees, I thought it might be nice for her to have the chance to make some friends from within her peer group, or close to it. Salandria, this is Mokvar, and Shayari.

SHAYARI: <waving> Hey.

SALANDRIA: Hi.

SHAYARI: Oh, hey, cool guitar!

SALANDRIA: Thanks.

MOKVAR: Do you lug that thing around everywhere? It looks pretty heavy.

SALANDRIA: A little, but you never know when inspiration is going to strike!

LIADRIN: As our neighbors in Silvermoon have become painfully aware…

SALANDRIA: Yeah, yeah, I bet they wouldn’t complain if I was playing… like… I don’t know… the harp or something. I bet that placeholder regent guy plays one of those.

LIADRIN: You mean Regent-Lord Theron.

SHALANDRIA: Yeah, that guy.

SHAYARI: You’ll get along well with Pops if you keep taking shots at Whosy-Whatsy like that.

MOKVAR: Is Garrosh around here?

LIADRIN: I haven’t seen him so far.

SHAYARI: I think he said something about coming by.

MOKVAR: Well, if nothing else, he’s not really one to miss a party, so…

SALANDRIA: Oh, hey, sounds like I really would hit it off with ol’ Garry.

LIADRIN and MOKVAR: No.

SHAYARI: Really, seriously, don’t.

SALANDRIA: Huh?

Gurtash and Ruekie enter, holding noodle bowls, and approach the group.

MOKVAR: Do not call him that.

SHAYARI: For real.

GURTASH: Don’t call who what?

SHAYARI: Pops, “Garry.”

RUEKIE: Oh jeepers, no!

GURTASH: No no no no no, don’t do that!

SALANDRIA: Yeesh, why?

SHAYARI: He does not like it when people call him that. For some reason.

MOKVAR: He’s killed for less.

GURTASH: Like, literally.

SALANDRIA: Huh. Okay…

LIADRIN: And hello, Gurtash. I’m happy to see you’re up and well.

GURTASH: Thanks.

SALANDRIA: What happened to him?

SHAYARI: Pip got himself sliced up by a drakonid. Also, hey Pip.

SALANDRIA: Ouch!

GURTASH: Hey.

SHAYARI: I know, right?

GURTASH: She said, as if she was the one getting cut up…

SALANDRIA: Is that how you got your scar?

Gurtash shifts uneasily.

’Cause it looks kinda fresh.

GURTASH: Uh… yeah.

SHAYARI: You know, that could have gotten even more awkward if the answer had been no.

RUEKIE: It’s really not so bad, Gurtash…

GURTASH: Yeah, I guess.

SALANDRIA: It actually looks kinda badass, Pip.

GURTASH: That’s not my name!

SHAYARI: <snickering>

SALANDRIA: Oh. Um…

RUEKIE: He doesn’t like it when people call him that.

SALANDRIA: So it’s kind of like his “Garry”?

SHAYARI: Other than the fact that no on really takes it seriously in his case, sure.

GURTASH: My name is Gurtash.

SHAYARI: He really does get wound up about it when people call him Pip.

GURTASH: You’re the only one that does.

SHAYARI: Okay. When I call him Pip.

SALANDRIA: Why do you call him that, then?

SHAYARI: Because he gets really wound up about it? I just said! He’s a real pip about it. Oh hey, there we go again.

GURTASH: Anyway… I’m Gurtash.

SALANDRIA: Hi. Salandria.

LIADRIN: Gurtash is one of the Warchief’s military trainees. And this is… I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve met your friend, Gurtash.

RUEKIE: My name’s Rue’kara. People call me Ruekie, though.

GURTASH: She’s another trainee like me.

LIADRIN: Ah, I see. I don’t think I’ve met any of Garrosh’s warrior proteges other than you, Gurtash.

GURTASH: Well, we’re not all warriors.

RUEKIE: I’m a shaman.

LIADRIN: Oh. I suppose I’d just assumed, since Garrosh is…well, rather emphatically a warrior himself.

GURTASH: A lot of us are, like– oh, hey, there they are over there — like Korrina and Kulkesh–

Gurtash waves to try to catch their attention across the festival grounds.

Nope. No go, they don’t see me. Anyhow, yeah, a lot of us are warriors, but there are a bunch like Ruekie who aren’t.

RUEKIE: Tuekie’s a rogue.

SHAYARI: Wait, who?

RUEKIE: Tuekie, my twin sister.

GURTASH: She’s a trainee, too.

RUEKIE: She just didn’t come with us to Pandaria, so she’s a little behind.

SHAYARI: Wait, your parents named her Tuekie?

RUEKIE: Well, Tue’kara.

SHAYARI: Right, but… after they named you Rue’kara?

RUEKIE: I think she was first by a couple minutes, actually.

SHAYARI: Okay, fine, concurrently, whatever. You’re missing the point.

RUEKIE: No, I get it. <shrugs> My parents are weird.

SALANDRIA: Right there with you.

LIADRIN: Salandria.

MOKVAR: It DOES seem pretty cruel to give twins names that rhyme.

RUEKIE: I know, I know…

SHAYARI: Sorry, Rue…

GURTASH: But yeah, there’s Tuekie, and Tov’osh. And Giska’s a monk, even.

RUEKIE: I think she’s– oh, yeah, there she is, helping the monk trainer set up.

SHAYARI: Her class trainer’s got her doing odd jobs setting up for a noodle festival?

GURTASH: Looks like it.

MOKVAR: I’m surprised Garrosh doesn’t do something like that with you kids.

GURTASH: <holding up sketch pad> Um, hello?

MOKVAR: Okay, point taken. But I mean, with ALL of you.

RUEKIE: Don’t give him ideas!

SALANDRIA: You mean he doesn’t? Huh, maybe I should look into being a warrior if the rock star thing doesn’t work out, what with the all the chores I was getting socked with as a pally-in-training…

LIADRIN: Don’t you get started about your apprenticeship duties again.

SALANDRIA: I’m just saying, I don’t really see what cleaning up after refugees had to do with perfecting my Crusader Strike!

LIADRIN: It was community service!

SALANDRIA: Suuuuuure…

SHAYARI: All I know is, Eddie’s got another thing coming if he starts trying to get me to do that kind of random crap for him.

SALANDRIA: Who’s Eddie?

SHAYARI: He’s my mage trainer. At least when he’s not preoccupied with making snarky comments about everything.

LIADRIN: Salandria, that’s the Dr. Faranell I’ve mentioned.

SALANDRIA: Oh, the dead guy? He’s that Eddie?

MOKVAR: Edwin.

SALANDRIA: Huh?

MOKVAR: He goes by Edwin. You probably don’t want to try calling him Eddie.

SHAYARI: Why? I always do.

LIADRIN: I’m sure “Dr. Faranell” will suffice.

SHAYARI: That’s so formal, though! I prefer Eddie.

SALANDRIA: Yeesh, you guys really like to call people things they don’t like, don’t you?

MOKVAR: You haven’t even met Garrosh yet…

GURTASH: Well, some of us do, yeah.

SHAYARI: Oh, it’ll grow on you, Pip.

MOKVAR: <to Liadrin> Are you sure you want to get her mixed up in all this?

LIADRIN: Completely sure? Hardly. But, better for her to have some contact with a few peers.

RUEKIE: There aren’t other blood elf kids in Silvermoon?

LIADRIN: There are, but… well, not all of them are necessarily the best influences.

MOKVAR: As opposed to the vast improvement you’re seeing here?

SHAYARI: Hey, we’re pretty damn cool, Beardy.

RUEKIE: Yeah!

GURTASH: Wait for it…

SHAYARI: At least the me part of the we.

RUEKIE: Hey!

GURTASH: Boom.

RUEKIE: Oh… Oh, hey, is that a guitar?

SALANDRIA: Yup!

RUEKIE: Do you play?

SHAYARI: No, she just carries it around to trick people.

RUEKIE: Are you good?

SALANDRIA: I’m getting there! That’s what I want to do. Someday I’m gonna open for the Elite Tauren Chieftains.

LIADRIN: Just so long as you keep your Tauren Chieftains ambitions limited to–

SALANDRIA: And marry Sig Nicious!

LIADRIN: Salandria…

SHAYARI: Okay, well, he is kinda cute.

RUEKIE: Which one is he?

MOKVAR: The kinda-cute one, I guess?

SALANDRIA: My future husband, that’s who!

LIADRIN: Salandria, even setting aside how unlikely it is that you would even meet him, you and I both know he’s much too old for you.

SALANDRIA: He is not!

LIADRIN: He’s in his 230s!

SALANDRIA: So? Didn’t you tell me once that you dated that ranger guy when you were younger?

LIADRIN: What about it?

SALANDRIA: So he was a lot older than you! How come that was okay?

LIADRIN: All right, granted, I was half his age. You, on the other hand, are the square root of his age.

SALANDRIA: Oh come on!

Garrosh enters, carrying a large pot and wearing a chef’s hat and apron. Malkorok, carrying another large pot (and looking none to happy about it) enters with him.

hordeironchef2

MOKVAR: Um…

SHAYARI: <shaking her head while facepalming> Oh, Light, just take me now…

LIADRIN: Um… hello, Warchief.

MOKVAR: I mean… do we not give you enough crap already?

GURTASH: Uhh…

GARROSH: Why the fuck are you people staring at me like I just sprouted a second head?

SHAYARI: <muttering> Maybe that one would have enough sense not to leave the house looking like that…

LIADRIN: It’s only that that’s a very… colorful outfit, sir.

MOKVAR: That’s one way to put it.

GARROSH: Hey, look, if I’m gonna cook, I might as well look the part, all right?

MOKVAR: And I mean… are those… are those murloc oven mitts?

GARROSH: THEY WERE A HOUSEWARMING GIFT FROM EITRIGG WHEN I MOVED TO ORGRIMMAR, OKAY?

SHAYARI: Oh Light, it just keeps getting worse…

LIADRIN: <squinting> And… am I not seeing your apron correctly, or is that lettering…?

GARROSH: Oh. Yeah. It was originally one of those aprons that say “Kiss the Chef.”

SHAYARI: <meekly> And it just keeps coming…

LIADRIN: And now…?

GARROSH: Well now I’ve gotten it doctored up around the “Chef” part. With a “War” in front and an I squeezed into the middle.

LIADRIN: I see…

MOKVAR: Wait, you actually sat down and sewed that onto the apron?

SHAYARI: Oh spirits, can’t we just let it go away…?

GARROSH: No, you jackass, I didn’t sit down and sew the damn apron. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? I hired some tailors to fix it up for me.

SHAYARI: Wait, wait, hang on. This is important. You went to tailors about this?

GARROSH: Yeah, why?

SHAYARI: As in, tailors who run clothing stores kind of tailors?

GARROSH: Yeah, WHY?

SHAYARI: Okay, listen to me very carefully. Where exactly did you go for this?

GARROSH: Why the fuck does it even matter?

SHAYARI: Because I need to know who’s been made aware of this mana bomb of shame.

GARROSH: Huh. Let me think. I don’t even remember the name of the place…

SHAYARI: <pressing eyes closed and crossing fingers> Please say the goblin slums, please say the goblin slums, please say…

GARROSH: It was some place in Silvermoon, though.

SHAYARI: Oh Light…

LIADRIN: Oh dear. Shay, I hate to say this, but I think I might have had an unwitting hand in this…

SHAYARI: What did you do?!

GARROSH: Why the hell are you acting like me getting an apron is the damn apocalypse or something?

SHAYARI: You stay out of this!

GARROSH: Stay out of– I AM “THIS”!

LIADRIN: I was speaking with Garrosh a while back, and he’d asked me to recommend a tailor, so I pointed him toward a place in the Bazaar.

SHAYARI: Oh spirits save me…

LIADRIN: I didn’t know what he was looking for a tailor for specifically.

SHAYARI: Do you realize what you’ve done?! You didn’t stop and think why he might want a tailor?

LIADRIN: Well, to be fair, look at him. The possibilities are endless.

SHAYARI: Oh Light… which place?

GARROSH: Some “trusted” place, I think.

LIADRIN: Keelan’s Trustworthy Tailoring.

SHAYARI: Oh no… No, no, no, no

GARROSH: They turned it around really quick, gotta say.

LIADRIN: They always do.

GARROSH: Dude did look at me kind of funny when he got the order, though.

SHAYARI: Well, there’s one store I can never show my face in again…

SALANDRIA: Uh, does he always walk around looking like this?

SHAYARI: Oh, yeah, sure, every day Azeroth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.

SALANDRIA: I’m going to take that as a no.

MOKVAR: Good call.

GARROSH: Look, I don’t care what you people–

Garrosh looks at Mokvar.

Hey, hang on a minute.

He looks Mokvar over again.

So wait, did you go and change up on us AGAIN?

MOKVAR: What do you mean?

GARROSH: I mean, you were a shaman back before you ran off on your damn crazy train mission looking for your crystal doohicky, right?

MOKVAR: Right.

GARROSH: And then you came back and you’d become a warlock again.

RUEKIE: <aside> Ohh, is that what happened with him? Handy recap!

GURTASH: <aside> Ssshhh, I think it’s about to take one of those turns.

MOKVAR: Yeah…?

RUEKIE: <aside> How can you tell?

GURTASH: <aside> I’ve been tagging along for these conversations for a long time now…

GARROSH: Well, look at you. Are you back to being a shaman again now?

MOKVAR: <sighs> No, no…

GARROSH: Because if so, dude, you’ve got some SERIOUS problems with career indecision, let me tell you.

MOKVAR: No, I’m not a shaman again. I’m still a warlock.

GARROSH: So what’s up with the non-warlock-being getup?

MOKVAR: I’m just wearing my other suit! Not everyone has to wear the same thing every day.

SHAYARI: Oh thank Light I’m not the only one who realizes that. There might be hope for you yet, Beardy.

Liadrin leans to look into the pot Garrosh is carrying.

LIADRIN: I take it, sir, that you’ve decided to offer your own… contribution to the festival?

SALANDRIA: You know, that smells pretty good, whatever it is.

MOKVAR: It actually does…

GARROSH: Yeah, I figured what the hell, I might as well get in on it a little.

LIADRIN: Most commendable, sir. What is it, exactly?

GARROSH: I doctored up one of Greatmother’s old recipes and whipped up some spicy talbuk noodles.

LIADRIN: I must admit, sir, I didn’t realize that you cooked.

GARROSH: Garadar chili cook off champion, I’ll have you know.

MOKVAR: Weren’t you actually first runner up?

GARROSH: Not after Grok’nar had that unfortunate incident with the severe head trauma from several large rocks. Which I’m sure they’ll rule was natural causes if they ever find his body.

SHAYARI: I have to admit, he’s actually not a bad cook.

LIADRIN: I see you’re a man of many talents, sir.

GARROSH: You know, it’s funny, you’re not the first blood elf woman to tell me that.

SHAYARI: <cringing> You realize you’re just making my future therapy bills worse…

GARROSH: …this week.

SHAYARI: Welp, there’s two more months right there.

GARROSH: I guess I just need ol’ Lunchbox to get me set up at a station or something.

GURTASH: It looks like he’s getting some more setup done with Giska over there.

RUEKIE: I’ll try to watch for them, sir.

LIADRIN: In the meantime, Garrosh, allow me to introduce my daughter, Salandria. I’m sure, conversely, the Warchief needs no introduction.

GARROSH: Oh, yeah, I remember you mentioning her.

SALANDRIA: Hi, sir. Nice tats.

GARROSH: Huh. Thanks. Traditional Warsong markings.

SALANDRIA: They’re cool. <leaning and looking behind Garrosh> Soooooo, how far down do they go…?

LIADRIN: Salandria, don’t start!

SALANDRIA: I’m just asking!

LIADRIN: You know perfectly well.

SHAYARI: <squeezing eyes closed> Ohhh, spirits, please don’t let this become a thing.

GARROSH: Well, while we’re waiting on Pudge, some of you people might as well dig in for some of the talbuk-noodly goodness.

SALANDRIA: Bah, I still need to get a bowl.

MOKVAR: Here, I’ve got mine.

Mokvar passes a bowl over to Garrosh, who spoons out some noodles.

GARROSH: Yeah, here, try not to get any in your beard for once.

Garrosh holds the bowl out to Mokvar. Before Mokvar can take it, Deliana unstealths and grabs it from Garrosh’s hand.

DELIANA: Thanks! Smells good!

Deliana stealths again and vanishes.

GARROSH: Um.

Garrosh blinks, then turns back to Malkorok.

Seriously, dude, a little fucking SECURITY up in this bitch? Isn’t that kind of your whole fucking JOB?

MALKOROK: Ugh, apologies, Warchief. Although this does illustrate some issues we’ve been… ugh, regardless… <waving to nearby guards, then approaching them> Kor’kron!

GARROSH: Wait, actually…

Garrosh turns back to Mokvar.

How is it, exactly, that your little human friend is SNEAKING INTO ORGRIMMAR?

MOKVAR: Garrosh, you’ve met her. Do you really think I could make her stay away even if I wanted?

GARROSH: Yeah, well, if Malk manages to track her down, you better not hold your breath waiting for her to turn up again. Anyway, in the meantime, you can wait for your helping until she brings back your damn bowl. So… who else is up?

RUEKIE: I’d like to try some, sir!

GARROSH: Yeah, okay. Here.

Garrosh spoons a large portion of noodles into Ruekie’s bowl.

RUEKIE: Oh, wow, sir. You sure know how to give a girl a mouthful!

Everyone stares at Ruekie for a moment.

Oh gosh! I didn’t– I mean– I– I’m gonna stop talking now.

MOKVAR: At least you’ve got noodles.

Deliana unstealths and drops an empty bowl into Mokvar’s hands.

DELIANA: Here you go! Good stuff!

Deliana stealths again and vanishes.

GARROSH: <bellowing over at Malkorok> UH, MALK, ANYTIME YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE WANNA GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES WOULD BE TERRIFIC!

SALANDRIA: Is this what it’s usually like with you guys?

SHAYARI: You have no idea.

 

{As it turns out, the Pandaren Noodle Festival brought far more absurdity than I could hope to pack into one post, so our Orgrimmar block party will continue soon, with appearances from even more of our supporting cast. TO BE CONTINUED soon — stay tuned…}

30 Days of Character Development #10: Liadrin
Horde Iron Chef (part 2)
 

5 Responses to Horde Iron Chef (part 1)

  1. Cygnia says:

    ((I need those murloc oven mitts!)) 😀

     
  2. khizzara says:

    Ok, the cooking utensils hanging off Garrosh’s shoulders and the way Shay’s eyes are bugging out… it’s just priceless. XD

     
  3. Deliana Hawthorne says:

    I have to hand it to you, Garry. You really know how to cook!

     
  4. Alayea says:

    ‘Ey Garrosh, did ya make your lemon squares for da noodle festival? I was tinkin’ of mixing some into my servings to find out what it’d taste like.

    And by da way, Bob says da trick ya had put in with my order of crayons fer him awhiles back was hilarious. Not sure what it be all about, but at least he liked my gift.

     
  5. Ritaba says:

    Two things. One, that human is hilarious, and makes me want to focus more on stealth to one-up her. Two, Pandaren actually notice when they gain weight, fat’s some sort of compliment.

     

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