Tag Archives: barrens
Alliance are funny when their plans go to crap
Sorry I’ve been missing in action lately. The last few days have been pretty busy and I haven’t had much time to tend to the blog. That also means I kind of missed the last day of Hallow’s End for the in-character mailbag, but based on the responses I got, I might have overestimated how many of my readers are gamers. Seriously, though, you guys would like Earth. Give yourselves a break from Azeroth once in a while and try going there.
I ended up having a few delays leaving the Barrens, but mostly the big hold-up was in Mulgore. While I was in Thunder Bluff meeting with Baine, this big gang of Alliance wannabes came storming in to raid the place. Apparently somebody had the hot idea that they could roll on in and kill Baine and weaken the tauren. (Trust me, people, those cows don’t fold that easy.) So right in the middle of our meeting, these guys come charging in on us.
It was actually kind of funny – they obviously had this big fancy plan, all coordinated with some of them keeping the guards busy while the rest moved in, getting themselves in position to take on Baine…and then they come running in and see I’m there too. Seriously, you should have seen the “OH SHIT” looks on their faces. Priceless.
So Baine and I spent a good long while wiping the floor with the scrubs. We really should have made pretty quick work of them, but you know how stubborn and pig-headed those humans are – no matter how many times we slapped them back, they just kept coming and coming and coming, and it took for fucking EVER before they finally figured out they weren’t even putting a dent in us and gave up.
Gotta say, though, the one thing funnier than all of that is the thought that they also tried hitting up Orgrimmar first, fought their way through waves of Kor’kron guards, took all these massive casualties just getting into Grommash Hold…only to find I wasn’t even there in the first place.
Stupid humans.
Visiting Desolation Hold
Okay, so can somebody please explain to me, what is it about these damn Forsaken that makes them completely incapable of leaving anything the fuck ALONE?
Let me backtrack. I finally got settled in at Desolation Hold, and was starting in on my debriefing with Warlord Bloodhilt, who’s turning out to be a much better hire than his predecessor, Gar’dul. I mean, Gar’dul had already shown himself to be a pretty major fuck-up, what with letting the Alliance run roughshod all over the Battlescar, and losing ground left and right…and don’t even get me started on what he let happen to Camp Taurajo on his watch. It was pretty painfully obvious that he needed to go, which is why I sent Bloodhilt down to take over, but from what I hear, Gar’dul also managed to really bomb the exit interview while he was at it.
So come to find out, after Gar’dul had been relieved of duty (you might notice, by the way, being “relieved of duty” in the Horde often involves falling from a great height – fair warning to those of you out there whose ambition might be greater than your talent), nobody bothered to dispose of the body properly. Ordinarily, of course, this would be an easy problem to fix, seeing as sooner or later somebody would be like, “Hey, check out the corpse laying in the middle of our outpost. It’s starting to smell. We should probably do something about that.” In this case, though, Desolation Hold apparently had its very own resident in-house weirdo who took it upon himself to haul the body off for his own purposes.
I’m talking, of course, about that crazy-ass undead dude named Calder Gray, who some of you might remember being kicked the hell out of Orgrimmar for his experiments. Not that he was violating any actual laws with them, even, but just, you know, eww. So somehow or other, Calder Gray got hold of Gar’dul’s body, and did a whole stitch job on him using some parts from other corpses (where he got the parts exactly, I think I’d just as soon not know…), and before you could say “It’s alive!”, whammo, reanimated semi-Gar’dul monstrosity.
So there I was in my meeting with Bloodhilt, when Gar’dul 2.0 comes staggering on in, bashing down the door and stumbling into the room. But here’s the funny part. At first, Bloodhilt and I both jump up and get ready to fight this thing, and I have to admit I was a little irritated on top of it all, because seriously how many times am I going to have to deal with an undead enemy composed of the reanimated corpse of a former Horde command officer? (Note to self: Send Dontrag and Utvoch back up to Stonetalon to make sure Krom’gar’s body is accounted for, because fucking hell.) But get this – instead of attacking us, this thing just kind of starts fluttering around the room, acting all pansy and talking with this idiotic lisp, and asking if anybody knew what had happened to “Lily,” who I guess was Gar’dul’s wife, but I’m kinda having my doubts about that one, or “Eddie,” apparently his son, although you might have to take that up with Lily, see above.
So, that just goes to show what a bad call I made with Gar’dul in the first place, seeing as even in reanimated vengeful rampaging form, he still couldn’t get his foppish ass to put up any kind of a fight. Oh well, live and learn. I’ve already had him sent back to Orgrimmar to work under Marogg as a sous chef. Probably working on pastry mostly. (Lemon squares, anyone?) Meanwhile, I’m having Calder Gray kept under surveillance now, to make sure he doesn’t get up to any more trouble.
Hallow’s End mailbag
Could definitely use a pick-me-up after yesterday, so here’s my idea: since we’re right in the middle of Hallow’s End (one of the few honest to goodness cool things we’ve gotten from the Forsaken), and this Monday is the last day, I think I’d like to do a Hallow’s End mailbag this coming week.
Here’s where I need my loyal readers and minions to come through for me, though, because I can’t make it happen without you. So for this next upcoming mailbag, since I know you’re all avid gamers – crack out your Hallow’s End costume and WRITE IN AS YOUR EARTH ONLINE CHARACTER!
Send those letters to me at garrosh1337@gmail.com — get into character and join in on the fun (and don’t be the lame one who screws up the party by not participating…yes, I’m talking to YOU).
Back to business in the Barrens shortly.
Camp Taurajo
Just arrived at Desolation Hold. I’ll be meeting with Warlord Bloodhilt shortly, but first I need to take an hour or two for myself to let off some steam. It would have been really nice if this first inspection trip after Stonetalon could have gotten off to a good start, but then again I probably just have myself to blame this time.
I should have known better than to start off by going to the ruins of Camp Taurajo.
Of all the things that gall me about the humans, today reminds me of the one I hate the most: their arrogance. Their condescension. Their unrelenting, unmitigated, insufferable smug superiority. All wrapped up with their limitless, guiltless capacity to pat themselves on the back even while they stab you in yours. Worse than a whole race of rogues, they are.
They call us savages.
US.
Look around what’s left of that village and tell me who the savages are. Where is YOUR demon blood, humans? Who is YOUR Mannoroth? We orcs embraced a madness for a time, it’s true, and sold our souls for foolish, fleeting promises of power. What did you sell YOURS for? It looks like given half a chance, you couldn’t give them away fast enough.
And they call US the savages.
The sight of the burning buildings is nothing. It’s the smell of the burning bodies – smoking remains of tauren everywhere. You can’t escape that smell. I’m never going to a steak house again as long as I live. And even then I don’t know what’s worse, the ones that burned, or the ones I can still see – stretched out on the ground, clearly fleeing. Civilians. Children. Those who hung back trying to buy the others time. That’s what their flight master was doing. Omusa Thunderhorn – I knew him. Holding the line on the western edge of the village. His two wyverns fighting and falling beside him…it really is a trait they all share, isn’t it, that loyalty? Mortimer sat by the bodies for a while before I could get him to move. I’d never thought the beasts could grieve. Shows what I know.
There were human looters still lurking about when I arrived. Because there really is no final insult great enough for these humans, is there? They swarmed the place like ants. It seemed as if around every corner there were two more. I was supposed to be passing through to survey the site for just a few minutes. I ended up staying for over an hour, just to make sure there wasn’t a single one of the vermin left living. It’s a pity these humans die so easily, or I might have a feeling of satisfaction.
And then there’s the human behind all this. A general named Hawthorne. Horde agents tracked him down and slaughtered him for his crime – I don’t know whether to give them medals or resent them for depriving me of the chance to do it myself. But you know what? Just as well. Death was too good for him…death was a tiny fragment of what he deserved…death is what he got. A clean death, a quick death, a body returned to his people for whatever burial human custom requires.
And we’re the savages.
They’ll pay for this. I’ll tell you that much. There are whole generations of humans still unborn who will live to curse what’s happened here.
They have no idea what savagery is.
They will learn.
[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter Eravia, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Back to the inspection tour…
I’m going to be getting back to the next wave of inspection visits this week. First up I’ll be checking up on the Southern Barrens. I was getting reports that Warlord Gar’dul was putting out some heavy-duty fail out there (and seriously, could I make just ONE COMMAND APPOINTMENT these days without it blowing up in my face?), so I sent Warlord Bloodhilt to relieve him at Desolation Hold. Hopefully he’s getting things cleaned up out there.
After that I’m due for a couple stops in Desolace. Right now it looks like the plan is for me to make a stop in Mulgore on the way there from the Barrens, so I’m supposed to be having a meeting with Baine Bloodhoof while I’m in Thunder Bluff. Not really looking forward to that. It’s going to be the first time I’ve seen him since…well…you know. AWKWARD.
I need to check in with Eitrigg on a last couple matters, then I’ll be heading out as soon as Mortimer’s saddled up and the Kor’kron escort is ready to go. More updates soon.
Monday mailbag
Hey guys, I just got in from EarthCon, which let me tell you was a blast. They announced the next expansion, where they’re adding a new continent to the game, although there was a lot of nerdraging over it. Turns out the new continent had been mentioned in the game before, but just as a running joke, so now some people are like, “Seriously? They’re actually going to do a whole expansion about Australians?”
I can’t say I totally disagree with them, to be honest. I mean I love this game, but they showed some concept art for some of the new mobs there, one creature called a Platypus and one called a Wombat, and really, dude, they’re not even fucking trying anymore. There was also one called a Kangaroo, and if nothing else I guess now we know what that murloc must have fucked to spawn the first gorloc. So good job there I guess.
Anyway, I’m pretty wiped out so I’m just going to do a couple quick letters this week.
You told my wife that “Hellscream’s eyes were upon her” and now she won’t…you know…with me. Could you please tell her that you meant it metaphorically? Thanks.
–Very Frustrated
Meta what? Oh wait, you mean metamorphosis? Because no, here’s the thing, yeah, the warlock I have assigned to your wife is demonology, but he doesn’t actually have to go into demon form to use his Eye of Kilrogg. So I think you might be going for overkill there.
Still, sorry your wife is holding out on you these days. Especially what with that thing she does with her tongue.
Horde > Twilight’s Hammer! Remember the Wrathgate!
–Bob, Echo Isles
Dude, seriously, you picked the wrong guy to try to slip a Wrathgate reference past. You know I was actually in COMMAND up in Northrend for like a year, right? And hate to break it to you, but we weren’t fighting the Twilight’s Hammer at the Wrathgate. There were no Twilight’s Hammer anywhere NEARBY. It was all Scourge and Alliance and that nutjob undead Putress group that tried to overthrow Sylvanas.
Look, I’m all for talking smack (by the by, fuck you, Varian), but if you’re going to trash talk over major events would it KILL you to do your fucking homework?
I was just questing in the Barrens and something occurred to me. Right now after years of adventuring I’m powerful enough that the enemies in the Barrens aren’t much of a threat, so I tear through them fast. But that got me wondering, since the Horde obviously has lots of very powerful warriors, why don’t you just send some of them to the lower level zones to handle the problems there? The quest givers in those areas act like the enemies are posing a threat but your garden variety soldier in Twilight Highlands could take them all on at once no problem.
–Malkar, Orgrimmar
First of all, nice job with the cool little AA internal rhyme scheme with your signature there, Malkar.
As for your question…I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I didn’t even know about this myself until I became Warchief, although once I did find out, it made all kinds of sense.
Like you said, Malkar, if you’ve spent any time at all traveling around Horde territories, you’ve noticed that everywhere you go, it seems like there are Horde agents looking for help with all sorts of odds and ends. Sometimes they need enemies slain. Sometimes there’s an animal population that needs to be thinned out. Sometimes there are supplies or resources to be gathered up. Sometimes there’s a delivery that needs to be made. And so on. And so there’s always a demand for helpful citizens to step up and get the job done.
But…these odds jobs really don’t make a whole lot of sense. Because you’re right, the baddies you’re getting called upon to fight really aren’t anything that couldn’t be handled easily enough by anyone who’s ever set foot in Northrend. Or hey, let’s forget about the fighting, even. That delivery you were just asked to make? The package from Desolace that needed to be dropped off in Feralas? Well…you know they DO have MAIL DELIVERY in Feralas, right? Hold on, let me double check.
Yep. Look at that. They have mail delivery. Oh wait, let’s be totally sure, do they have mailboxes in Desolace?
Well I’ll be damned, they do. Which begs the question, WHY CAN’T THEY DROP THEIR DAMN PACKAGE IN THE FUCKING MAILBOX THAT’S TEN FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM THEM?
Erm, okay, I shouldn’t let that get me yelling since I already know the answer.
Here’s the thing. If you go to a lot of Horde territories, you’ll find the place practically swarming with bunches of wannabe adventurers looking for ways to help. And don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the thought, but like…they’re not very good. Half the time they don’t know where they’re going even when they have a fucking map right in their pocket, and they don’t even know how to use the abilities they were just trained in an hour ago, and holy shit they die easy. Like for instance, I know from Dark Cleric Cecille that a lot of aspiring Forsaken adventurers grew up in total dread of this one Son of Arugal who used to wander around in Silverpine Forest. He’d lay waste to them. People would yell out warnings like “OMG SON OF ARUGAL RUN!!” and need to round up two or three friends to even try to take him out. A Son of fucking Arugal. Do you know how easy it is to kill a Son of Arugal? Every time I sneeze, I kill three of them, and I’m not even on the same fucking continent. And these nubs are dying to one by the bushel.
And yet, these scrubs are hell-bent on helping the cause. And they’re like ants. There’s hundreds of them, everywhere, and no matter what you do, you can’t get rid of them. And yet they’re running around trying to help, and biting off more than they can chew, and then we have to send people to go rescue them or at least collect their remains, or even if they don’t go get themselves in trouble they’re just hanging around distracting our more experienced soldiers from more important matters.
So way before I even showed up here, the higher-ups in the Horde worked out a way to deal with this. They assigned people to all the Horde zones whose job was…basically…to come up with ways to keep these noobs busy. Anything to keep them occupied. Go kill some boars. Deliver this package to the next town over. See those shiny rocks just outside of town? Go gather up about fifty for me. See this guy standing right next to me? Talk to him. Tell him I said hi. Let him know I sent you. He’ll never see it coming.
Just play it up and make it sound important, they’ll feel like they’re contributing, they’ll stay out of trouble, and we’ll be fine. And meanwhile we can maybe get a few odd jobs taken care of while we’re at it. And maybe, every once in a while, we’ll uncover a diamond in the rough who’s actually up to the task for some missions we really need done.
That’s it for now. As always, send your letters and questions to garrosh1337@gmail.com. See you guys soon, I’m gonna crash.
Visiting the Barrens
Okay, so I just got back from an inspection visit to the Barrens, and for FUCK’S sake, seriously, is EVERYONE out there retarded?? All you hear all day is a bunch of facts about Saurfang and THEY’RE NOT EVEN FUCKING TRUE! I spent the whole afternoon trying to explain to Tari’qa that Saurfang is NOT actually a shaman because he commands the element of surprise! OMG THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL ELEMENT!!
And holy fucking fuck, we KNOW where Mankrik’s wife is! She’s dead! SHE’S TOTALLY FUCKING DEAD! I BUILT HER A SHRINE MYSELF! SHE’S A FUCKING CORPSE OKAY?? Oh wait, fuck, I hope Mankrik doesn’t see this. Where was that erase button again? Hey Mankrik, if you’re reading this, totally sorry about your loss, man. Respect. Peace and shit.
But geez, I’m telling you, while I was out there, I totally should have finished looking for Chen’s keg, because I swear by the time I was done I sure could have used a good stiff drink.
I need to visit more of our operations around Kalimdor soon, and based on this one it looks like I’m going to have to brace myself. How did Thrall put up with being surrounded by idiots?
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
