Tag Archives: earth online

Monday GUEST mailbag: Shayari

shayari_mailbag1

Hi again, everyone. It’s yours truly, Shayari, filling in for Pops for one of his mailbag thingies. I’m not sure how he talked me into doing this again, to be honest. I think he caught me while I was paying attention to something else, then got a “yeah, uh huh” from me before I realized what he was asking. To be fair, I got him for a couple shopping trips the same way. Before he got wise, anyway. Oh well.

So ol’ Garry wanted me to mind the fort letter-answering-wise, since apparently he’s going to be pretty busy in Pandaria, and I guess so many people write in for this that he didn’t feel like it could just wait. Which I totally don’t get. Do that many people actually read this thing? I can’t imagine it could be more than, like, a dozen. Two dozen tops.

But, hey, a promise is a promise, so here we go.

 

Dearest Shayari,

My goodness, it’s been rather a long time since I had the luxury of being able to converse with you! Certainly not without the eager interruptions of friends and family. Not that I can complain, of course. I love conversation! And if anything, I have Korrina to thank for letting me know that YOU were taking over the next mailbag. I’d completely forgotten to go through your dad’s last mailbag. All this travelling has left me too exhausted to even read! Then again, it’s often worth it when you visit all these fabulous ethnic places and meet all kinds of bizarre new people. I wonder if you’ve ever heard of this gnome called Brazie Getz? His entire marketing campaign is on Deathbringer’s Rise in Icecrown. He’s a weird, weird guy. Don’t ever talk to him.

Anywho, I think I’d better rush to the point. I’m still travelling, of course – matter of fact, the only place I haven’t been to visit yet is Pandaria, so that’s likely next on my list! – and I found myself growing more and more curious with regards to the mailboxes of Azeroth. That is, every time I dropped a letter into a mailbox, it simply vanished! And would you believe it or not, but half the time, the correspondent’s response would appear before me a mere five minutes later.

I’m only assuming that this is a rather common stretch of magic, but as I’m not a mage, I don’t know how it works. So I ask you, Shayari, do you know what school of magic is responsible for this faster-than-Light-itself speed of delivery of mail in these boxes?

Take care, and be well!

–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker, Argent Crusade

Oh… uh, hey, Sarlin. Nice to… hear from you again. So… Korrina told you I was fielding letters for this mailbag? I’ll, uh… I’ll have to… thank her for that. Maybe thank her repeatedly. Over a span of several slow, torturous thankful days.

Or, well, I would, if I knew which one she was. She’s one of Pip’s friends, right? The ones who are always running around in the garish hand-me-down gear? She’s not the one that’s always putting her foot in her mouth, is she?

Either way… well… here you are. At least you toned it down a little this time around, though. Or… well, wait, you did tone it down, right? I’m not just missing a few pages? Because if I am, I mean, don’t feel like you need to correct that and send me a new copy or anything. You know, I’m already answering the letter now, so it’s not like there’s anything to gain at this point. Water under the bridge. That I should probably burn before it’s too late.

But, hey, speaking of sending things through the mail, that’s a question I can actually answer! You’re totally right, Sarlin — those mailboxes do use magic to make their insta-deliveries. Well, most of them do. There are still places that use old-timey mailboxes, where somebody has to go around and physically pick up the letters and stuff, but there are only a few of those left. So the magic they use for those things is arcane. The way it works — this is actually pretty weird but cool — is that all those mailboxes are sort of permanent mini-portals. You drop something in the mailbox, and poof! it goes through the portal and pops into the sorting room at the central post office. Which… well, I don’t exactly know where that is, or who runs it, although whoever it is they must have a massively fun life considering how they seem like they’re constantly on the job. But then they sort through the letters, or packages, or whatever, and send them back through another mini-portal, and double poof! they pop back out to whatever other mailbox you need to use to pick the delivery up. Pretty neat, huh?

I meant that last question rhetorically, by the way. No need to write back again, Sarlin. I mean, I figure you’re already busy enough doing whatever it is that you do. (Spirits help me, why am I talking about this like I’m going to be getting these again? Focus, Shay, focus!)

 

Dear Shayari,

Are you still taking mage lessons from our dear Mr Faranell? I am curious, what is he like as a teacher? Have you smoothed things over with him after, well, you know?

–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City

Well for one thing, let me tell you, you won’t win any points with Eddie by calling him “Mr. Faranell.” He likes that even less than he likes me calling him Eddie. I’ve seen it. One of those Kor’kron guys called him that and he got all pissy about it, “I didn’t spend a zillion years in mad scientist school or whatever so you could call me ‘mister,’ ” blah blah. Then he turned the Kor’kron guy into a sewer rat. Granted, it was just a polymorph variation. Fun fact, by the way: it turns out that being swallowed whole by a giant spider doesn’t break the polymorph. Who knew?

But yeah, I’m still working on my magic with Eddie. Pops had me stay in Orgrimmar while he’s in Pandaria so I can keep up with my apprenticeship. I’d like to see Pandaria at some point, though. I’ve heard it’s beautiful there. Pops promised I’ll get to see it eventually, so I guess we’ll see.

Anyhow, Eddie’s fine as a teacher, I guess. He’s definitely really smart. He’s just very… dry. I mean personality dry. It makes him hard to read sometimes. Like for instance, I’ll cast a spell, and he’ll say it went well, only because it’s him I’m never sure if I really did a good job or if I screwed it up and he’s being ironic. So, I don’t know, it’s been okay?

 

Dear Shayari,

Hello Shayari! My name is Clarise! I mean, my full name is Ceresella-Sareyn Sunbow but that’s like way long, and kind of a tongue twister, so I’ve shortened it to Clarise, although my sister thinks that’s a little common. Whatever. I think it’s totes adorbs. Anyways. HEY! I’m a mage apprentice too! Would you look at that, we have mutual interests! YAY! But you’re probably like waaaaay better at the kapowing than I am. I’m fourteen so I’m pretty amateur-ish at this whole pew-pew business. I can’t even polymorph properly yet! Like, I tried it once (on some idiot that was yammering on about how fire was the superior style of magic and arcane would rightfully bow at its feet one day and I just got so annoyed so POOF! Sheep he was) and it sort of lasted for about three hours. OOPS!

Anyway, so, I heard you study in the Undercity. I heard this really cool story from my sister once about there being somebody who does facials and haircuts there. Have you ever got one there? I bet they do AWESOME facials. I bet they use really frothy soap and stuff and warm water that almost feels like you’re being bathed in the physical form of perfection. Do the Forsaken have a nice sense of fashion? I like bright colours best. I specially like bright red and gold. Although leather’s pretty hip, too. Leather jackets with pink-dyed fur hoods? I would literally sell my little soul for one of those.

Coffee! Is there coffee in the Undercity!? Please tell me there’s coffee! There has to be! I would literally DIE in a place where there was no coffee. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine waking up for three hours of study in a boring room that’s way hot so it only makes you sleepier without a cup of coffee? I would just die. How many cups of coffee do you have a day? I don’t count but I think this is my twelfth. Now, that IS the physical form of perfection. In a cup!

Anyways, big fan! Can’t believe your dad responded to my first letter! MEGA FLAIL!

Ciao!

–Clarise Sunbow, Kirin Tor

So first of all, what the hell is a “ciao”? It had better not be some cool new expression that I’m behind the curve on, because you know how that goes. You start losing track of new and current expressions, then you start walking around wearing last season’s clothes, and then the next thing you know you’re thirty and it’s a quick downhill slide into sadness. Obviously, I can’t let that happen.

Oh, who am I kidding? We all know I’m not going to be out of the loop on anything cool. I am the loop on anything cool. This Clarise girl’s just talking the crazy talk.

So anyway, hi Clarise. You seem kind of weird, but you say you’re a fan of mine, so I guess you have that going for you. Wait, I have fans? Score! Eh, what am I saying? It figures I would have fans if Pops has been talking about me here on his blog. Wait, has he been talking about me here? What’s he been saying? Do I need to start working damage control?

So, um, yeah… hi, Clarise! It’s nice to hear from another mage, at least one who’s alive and not decomposing or anything. Or mordantly derisive toward everything in sight for no apparent reason. I haven’t had the chance to meet too many since the whole Jaina-schizo-Dalaran-be-gone thing. Used to hang out with nothing but mages, though. Not so much now. Seems like half the people I know are warriors. Or shamans. And I can hardly take three steps without tripping over a rogue. Which is weird considering you would think their whole deal is not being tripped over what with the sneaky. Anyway, Clarise, it’s nice to hear from another non-corpse magic user, and I’ll even let your whole arcane/fire thing slide, even though I’m a fire mage myself. You’ll come to your senses eventually. You’re right, though, polymorph is way cool.

The Undercity is… different. Not even… well, I was going to say not bad different, but… I mean, kind of yeah. I get the definite sense you’ve never actually been there. You’d probably find it, um, surprising. Probably not your cup of tea if you like bright colors. They don’t really have any. Well, other than the bright green glowing slime that’s… well… pretty much everywhere. So there’s that, at least. Otherwise, though, you’re pretty much looking at drab lifeless gray and drab lifeless purple and loads and loads of black. You wouldn’t think there could be different shades of black, right? Well you would be wrong! Don’t ask me how, but the Forsaken manage to have more shades of black than they have primary colors. Like you look around their stores and wonder “How much more black could there be?” and the answer is “None, none more black.” So I’m not sure the Undercity would really be your style.

And… I’m not even going to go near the thing about the facials. I’m pretty sure your sister was just trolling you. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that the Forsaken have salons there (would they need to get their hair cut, though? does your hair actually grow when you’re a dead person?), but I can’t imagine they’d be worried about cleansing pores nearly as much as necrosis and maggots. And if, you know, ew, I agree with you.

 

Hey, Shayari mon!

I got a question for ya! If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I be seein’ it, mon?

–Bob, Shado-pan Monastery

I don’t know, Bobby, I guess lack of sex causes enhanced eyesight? So, you know, keep up the good work with the total physical and personal unattractiveness — you’ll be rocking the full-on x-ray vision in no time!

 

 

Hey, Shay!

Here’s an #EpicVerse prompt for you.

“There was a Draenei named Shayari,”

Go, go, go!

–Valinora Lightshorn, Stormwind City

So… I’m really not sure what to make of this. I mean, I get that the “epic verse” thing is a reference to the weird poetry Pops likes to write, and how he can’t just call it “poetry” like a normal person, but has to play it up with the whole “epic verse!” thing. Which, by the way, he literally yells out loud when he finishes writing one. He’ll be sitting there working on something, and I’m not even paying attention to what he’s doing because whatever, and then all of a sudden he slams his quill down on the desk and yells “epic verse!” at like nine thousand decibels. Which is pretty startling, really. Also kind of weird, since he does it every time he thinks he’s finished. And he’ll go back and revise one line, and slam his quill down again, and yell “epic verse!” again… and then he’ll look back at it and change one word again and go through the whole slammy yelly thing again. He’s so weird, I can’t even.

So I get what the #EpicVerse part of your letter is talking about, but… I’m not sure what you’re looking for. Is this some kind of running thing in Pops’ blog? Actually, hang on, I’m going to check with greeny goblin nerd guy about this.

Hold tight!

Oh, okay. So the gob-geek guy, Spackle or whatever, says that apparently you have this ongoing thing in Pops’ mailbags, where you send him an opening line for one of his poems and then he writes the rest? Is that a thing? Does he do that? So wait, does that mean you’ve been partly responsible for all the yelling at his desk and the startling and stuff? It really scares my bird when he does that, I’ll have you know.

Only, see, here’s the thing. Garrosh is really the poet in the family. And boy, I bet there are tons of people who never thought they’d read that sentence, huh? But the point is that I’ve never been much of a writer, so maybe you should just stick to hitting Pops with these poetry requests, since I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything all that good, mostly probably because the whole thing seems kind of weird.

Except I guess Pops will end up seeing this when he gets back from Pandaria (I mean he DOES read this stuff that me and Spackle and whoever else writes on here, right? and by the way, Pops, nice job outsourcing your own hobby, I mean could you be any more lazy? come on), and I guess if he sees me admitting I wouldn’t be good at doing something he thinks he’s good at, there’ll be no living with him. I mean have you seen him? There’s almost no living with him now. I don’t even want to think about how out of control his ego will be in a couple weeks if I go ahead and feed it. So okay, let me try this, but I’m not making any promises.

 

There was a Draenei named Shayari,
Actually half Kurenai, half Mag’hari,
Who lived in Nagrand where it’s starry,
And went on a wildlife safari,
While Pops is busy in Pandari

-a.

And maybe something about the Sha’tari,
And had calamari and Londo Mollari,

 

and okay I don’t think this is going anywhere. I’m just making up words at this point. Oh well. I tried.

 

Hello Shayari,

Do you play Earth Online? What class do you play? If you don’t play do you think you might give it a try some day?

–Greztah, Earthen Ring

So, okay, first of all, no. I keep getting asked this, so no, no, no. I’m not interested in getting into your weird virtual reality game. I don’t need my reality to be virtual. Reality reality is working out just fine for me.

And also, what is it with you guys and this game? It’s bad enough I had to find out Pops is a closet nerd with this game of his. But it seems like half the jokers around here play it, too. Fel, when I went to ask that Spackle guy about the poetry thing a minute ago, even he tried making a sales pitch on me, like for some kind of referral thing. I guess if he got me to sign up he could have gotten some kind of… I don’t even know what. A make-believe vehicle in the game that he would have to buy with real money otherwise? Is that something they make you do in this game? Fork over real money to buy make-believe things? Because if so…

Okay, people, let’s have some real talk here.

Because, look, speaking as someone who takes her shopping seriously… shopping with real money for imaginary stuff? That’s crazy talk. If I’m going to buy something, I’m for sure going to walk out of that store carrying something with actual physical substance to it. Otherwise, they’re not getting my money. Well, technically, they wouldn’t be getting my money, they’d be getting Pops’ money. But you get the idea.

The point is, are you people nuts?

 

So I guess that’s about as good a note as any to end on. Especially since that was the last letter. I’m not sure how much longer Garry is going to need before he’s back to doing this himself, but I think I might just pass it off to that Spackle guy if Pops needs things covered for a while more. Not that I don’t like hearing from everyone. Just that I have kind of a yearly weirdness quota, and just plain day-to-day life fills up that bar pretty quick as it is.

Bye!

 

[And so we’re back! As I announced before the break, our next mailbag will be Monday, September 5. I’m making one revision to the plan, though: rather than that installment being Garrosh’s return to mailbag duties, we’ve going to have one more guest mailbag — this time, from everyone’s favorite goblin tech guru, Spazzle! This is essentially me heading my bets — the Warchief is going to have a lot going on at Kypari Zar, which will involve a lot drawing that I’ll need to get done over several posts, so I wanted to make sure I’ll have time to get all that done without Garrosh seemingly having to stop in the middle of it to answer his mail. Plus, I’ve wanted to do a Spazzle mailbag for a while! (Who knows, maybe Mokvar will get one one day, too…) Garrosh will be back answering his accumulated mail for October’s mailbag (October 3, for those of you keeping score at home). As always, send your letters via email (link in the upper right sidebar) or using the form below.]

 

 

Spazzle Speaks: Subcontracting

bossmida1

Hey, what’s up?

I’ve been working as kind of a go-between lately for Garrosh with Boss Mida. After Garrosh found out that Gazlowe had, uh, maybe cut a corner or two on some parts of the Orgrimmar reconstruction job, he decided he wanted to have some work done on certain parts of the city while he’s away in Pandaria. At first I thought that meant he wanted to cut a deal with Boss Mida to flat-out hire the Bilgewater Cartel for a major construction contract, and man oh man would that have meant a major finder’s fee for me. Just in time for the new Earth Online expansion preorder, too.

That wasn’t what Garrosh had in mind, though. Instead, I guess he had some new plans lined up with Helix Blackfuse to reinforce parts of Orgrimmar and add battlements or some extra defenses outside… I’m really not that clear on all the details. I think when Garrosh was trying to explain the cogs and sprockets, I was a little preoccupied with trying to make the point that getting in deeper with Blackfuse was a bad idea because the guy’s just crazy. (And honestly, I come from a whole mad scientist culture — my uncle’s middle name is Kaboom, for goodness’ sake! When I think someone’s crazy, it should really mean something!) Garrosh wasn’t hearing it, though, but then again he never listened any other time I tried giving him a heads-up on Blackfuse. So I ended up needing to be sort of a liaison between Garrosh and Boss Mida. It turns out that Blackfuse’s construction is going to call for more labor than Crazy McBoomBoom usually has on staff, so Garrosh wanted to hire some of the Bilgewater Cartel for part of the job.

I guess that’s fine. It’s not like Boss Mida’s never worked out a subcontracting deal. I just get nervous whenever that Blackfuse guy gets involved. He’s not even from our cartel, and we still know his reputation. And when you’re unstable enough for goblins to talk out of school about you, you know you really must be doing something. We usually just take things with a grain of salt and stay pretty quiet about them. You know. What happens in Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace stays in Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace.

Anyway, Garrosh and Mida got an agreement worked out. They’re going to start work any day now, and I think they’re hoping to have things mostly finished by the time Garrosh gets back again. I just wish You-Know-Who wasn’t involved. Mostly for the crazy thing, yeah, but partly because without him it would probably be a bigger contract, and, you know, finder’s fee.

Oh well. I’m sure I’ll still be able to scrape together a little extra money by the time the EO expansion comes out. It’s not like they don’t take their dang time getting those things released.

Even when they raise the price.

And end up cutting a whole raid tier from the Land Down Under expansion. I mean it’s not like anyone really wanted to see Tasmania, like they said they were going to patch in, right? Nope, not me.

It’s all good. It’s… uh… yeah.

Faster expansions my keister. GG, Genesis.

 

#500 GIANT-SIZED (not really) ANNIVERSARY (kind of) SPECIAL

500header

Okay, people, I know we’ve got a hell of a lot going on these days on a whole bunch of fronts, but let’s get our damn priorities straight and take a moment to APPRECIATE THE GODDAMN AWESOMENESS OF ME.

Why, you ask? AS IF YOU NEED A REASON. But okay, fine, be that way. Even though you should already be in a constant state of awe over your Warchief, today marks an EXTRA SPECIAL awesome, awe-inspiring, awful… wait. I think I just took a wrong turn there.

IT’S A SPECIAL GODDAMN OCCASION IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

Reason being, the post you see before you marks the 500th BLOG POST here on the Warchief’s Command Board. That’s right, bitches, 500 posts — that’s FIVE ZERO ZERO. Go ahead and count ’em. I KNOW YOU WON’T.

But that’s where we are, people — 500 installments of EVERYBODY’S FAVORITE BLOG EVER. And riddle me this: have you read them all?

Yeah, me neither.

I mean, there were a bunch in there by guest posters like Spazzle and Mokvar, and I like those guys and everything, but not enough to actually give a shit about what they have to say about… like… anything. But whatever — like trees falling in the forest with no one there to hear them, those guests posts still… um… make a… sound when they…crash the server and… um… that is…

OKAY, THAT ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME A LITTLE, TOO. I MAY OR MAY NOT BE WORKING ON A COUPLE DRINKS, OKAY, SO STFU.

Anyhow. I’d like to thank all my loyal readers, and say that I couldn’t have done it without you. I’d LIKE to say that, but I can’t, because I totally could have. Let’s be real, scrubs, I’m the awesome one here, not you. THERE’S A REASON WHY YOU’RE READING MY BLOG AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, NOW ISN’T THERE?

But still, the occasion calls for something special, so in keeping with this month’s theme — I DO have a Poetry Challenge in progress, after all — I figured I’d take a look back at a 500-stack of EPIC the only proper way EPIC gets done:

 

That “LOK’TAR OGAR!” that I blogged for a starter;
I met D&U, but my wyvern’s way smarter;
Krom’gar dropped a bomb, but I dropped his ass harder;
         EO gaming, “why fly” malaprop.
Twilights on a mission for that Cho’gall demon;
Ogres versus Grimtotem, and Magatha schemin’;
Johnny Awesome, beat it; Garona, keep dreamin’;
         Saurfang took a turn watching the shop.

That time I went AWOL, then I was recovered;
Grabby Mylune hugged me till I damn near smothered;
Garadar reunion with my long-lost mother;
         Year one challenge, rhymes of locks in socks.
Mom was just a cruel trick Magatha unraveled;
Trouble for Forsaken; Tirion’s endless babble;
Head to old Southshore thanks to FUCKING TIME TRAVEL;
         Human Faranell’s a paradox.

Psycho!Mylune rampaged, eyes more wild than dewy;
Edwin fucked the past up; all the timelines went screwy;
We straightened them out; Theramore went kablooey;
         Went to Karazhan to spin some tunes.
Pandas showed up teaching how anger is managed;
Got myself some trainees: DPS advantage;
Someone ganked Mokvar; he ankhed and wound up bandaged;
         Rolled up on Pandaria with my goons.

Gurtash started drawing; Vol’jin stopped his breathing;
Cloudfall spoke of destiny and got me near believing;
Mokvar met Magatha, that one had me seething;
         He went off the grid — he’d best run far.
Lor’the’whatsit’s bitching still; I got pounced by Tak;
Snagged the Divine Bell; that’s when Jaina blew her stack;
DPS got lost, but I (mostly) got them back;
         Meet my daughter, Shay. (Have a cigar.)

Shay’s mage class was hard, her sucker punch was hardest;
Mokvar reappeared with green fire from the Black Harvest;
Gurtash got blindsided, we were down an artist;
        Made an offer Blackfuse can’t refuse.
Green-eyed wolf named Golmash acting pretty fishy;
Gurtash still needs training not to be so squishy;
Utvoch got promoted, but I kinda wish he
         And Dontrag weren’t always so confused.

EPIC VERSE and lemon squares, endless reader mail;
Ruekie getting ruekied; eternal minion fail;
Mortimer’s a badass; Shayari’s hunting sales;
         Earth Online guild chat is always strange.
FYV; #LadiesLoveMe, ’cause they’re not slumming;
Trolls are always trolling, dumbasses are dumbing;
500 down so far, a thousand more coming!
         Okay, maybe. Times could always change.

 

EPIC VERSE!

 

Keep checking in, people. The EPIC DROPS are only just warming up.

LOK’TAR!

 

Monday mailbag

mail13

Quite a bit of mail this time around, so no sense wasting time — let’s get right to it…

 

Greetings Warchief!

I just finished reading your blog from the beginning, which took me a couple of weeks. I was actually looking for a picture of Liadrin, NOT IN THE GURTASH WAY. It was then that I found a comic drawn by Gurtash that had Liadrin in it, specifically the one where we met Shayari, and I thought Garrosh’s daughter WHAT?! And that led to a lot of reading in my free time.

Why was I looking for Liadrin you ask? I make hero concepts for Heroes of the Maelstorm and wanted to add a picture to my post.

So my question is- have you ever played Heroes of the Maelstrom, it made from the same people as the creators of Earth Online and the concept is you take a bunch of people from there, other games, and our own world (because hey who is more badass than who we have running around). If not I recommend it as a change of pace from EO.

–Glen Bloodblade

So, on the one hand, welcome to the blog, Glen. Thanks for reading. On the other hand, what the fuck took you so long, Glen? I mean seriously. Apparently I have to go have a talk with someone in the publicity department. Do we have a publicity department? I would say we should create one if we don’t already, but knowing my luck, it would be packed with the usual fuckwittery that I constantly have surrounding me, so the publicists would run around “advertising” classified military secrets, while meanwhile I have a frigging ghost town of tumbleweeds turning out for my book signing. Again. And I don’t remember fucking seeing YOU there either, Glen, so don’t think for a second YOU’RE off the hook. You watch your ass, Glen. You watch your ass.

Anyway. I can’t say I’ve tried this Heroes of the Maelstrom thing, Glen. Mostly as a matter of self-preservation, really. I figure, Earth Online already sucks up so damn much of my time, the last thing I need is ANOTHER one of these damn games soaking up my days. So I haven’t really tried any other games. Other than that one time when Garona talked me into trying Second Azeroth for like five minutes, but that came to a screeching halt when I wandered into that region full of decked-out scalies, because fuck that shit. I guess I can’t say Spazzle didn’t try to warn me.

Still, this Heroes of the Maelstrom DOES sound pretty badass. Especially if they’re managing to build this into like an all-star team of characters from real life, Earth Online, and all the offshoot universes that they’ve managed to build into other games. Could be fun. I mean, really, just think of it… who’s gonna turn down the chance to have a big barroom brawl, and roll in with a team of Saurfang, Snake-Eyes, Batman, Chewbacca, and Optimus Prime?

(I’m… suddenly a little worried I was able to rattle all those names off the top of my head. Spirits help me, I’m spending too much time around Spazzle.)

 

Hey, Professor G!

I have another one!

A space goat came travelling on his ship from afar,”

–Valinora Lightshorn

Hey, Valinora. Thanks for writing, other than the fact that you’re apparently human, which would ordinarily draw a big ol’ FUCK YOU, except for the facts that (A) you had the good sense to recognize an EPIC VERSE asskicking when you saw it, and (2), speaking of EPIC VERSE, you seem to be stepping right into the role of setting up the ol’ masterpieces for me.

So, sure, fine by me. You want to keep giving me these prompts, I’ll keep making with the EPIC. Oh, and this one looks pretty rich, too… you want me to opine lyrically on the voyages of the space goats, huh? Okay, you asked for it. Strap in, bitches.

A space goat came traveling on his ship from afar,
Twas thousands of years since his mission did start;
He thought Oshu’gun was a good place to park,
And he fell from the sky like a star, a burning star…

The space goats were led by their prophet for years;
They’d fled their home planet of Argus in fear.
Old Velen resolved he was going to steer clear
Of his brothers, consumed by the Legion… so off they raced.

They flew to a planet; I cannot say which.
Kil’jaeden pursued; Velen played bait-and-switch.
Collateral damage — I know it’s a bitch,
But the space goats, they’re making their omelettes… so QQ, eggs.

And they QQ’ed, AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
They died at the hands of the Legion, while the drae’s got away.

From planet to planet, for thousands of years,
Old Velen kept bailin’, till he wound up here.
Then — who would’ve guessed it? — the Legion appeared.
And they were the gift that kept giving, so yeah, thanks, drae’s.

And that’s how the space goats wound up in this war,
But buyer beware if you build that rapport:
The first sign of trouble, they’re out the back door,
And they’ll stick you to pick up their mess, another time…

And you’ll QQ, AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
You’ll die at the hands of the Legion, while the drae’s get away.
          (You don’t have to hold your breath waiting!)
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
          (It’s just a matter of when, not if, believe me!)
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH
          (They won’t even share any of that OP tech of theirs or anything!)
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
          (Not even the specs for the buses they’re gonna throw you under!)
You’ll die at the hands of the Legion, while the drae’s get away…

EPIC VERSE!

 

Yo, Warchief,

Once again, glad to see things worked out with Blackfuse. Now, though, I’ve got a little down-time – well, actually, a lot of down time – and could use a job or two to keep me on my toes. You got anything I can do for you?

–Grotee Metalbeard, Goblin Shaman

Huh. Grottee, are you feeling okay? I guess I shouldn’t jinx a good thing, but man, you got in and out of that letter faster than it takes Sarlin to ramble through her greeting.

Not complaining, mind you. Grats on making the short list of people around here who actually fucking LISTEN.

Anyhow, Grottee, since you were my source for that Tome of Dinomancy, which I’m still keeping safe and secure in my quarters where it can be ready to take back to Pandaria with me and safely out of range of any other, um, incendiary cooking experiments by Shayari… um… Where was I going with this? I think that sentence kind of got away from me once I became momentarily consumed with concern about my home possibly burning to the ground over an arcane-powered loaf of bread.

OH. RIGHT. Jobs I can send you on. And I assume you mean ACTUAL jobs that really have a useful purpose, not the random busywork jobs we give out to random noobs to keep them out of everyone’s hair. (You know, kill seven of these, collect six of these, five gold rings, everything but a partridge in a motherfucking pear tree. I have to admit, though, the ones that crack me up the most are the ones where we make people go digging through piles of poop, and the fuckers run right out and do it.)

So since you were my Tome source, Grottee, why don’t you head down to Pandaria and check in with General Nazgrim. Now, mind you, he’s under orders not to move ahead on Operation Dinosaurs Yippee Ki-Yay until I get down there in a week or so, but then, he was ALSO under orders not to move ahead before, and he still saw fit to screw his head squarely up his ass trying to go off the script. And got that lunkhead asshole Steve eaten and shat out by a dino while he was at it. (SPEAKING OF POOP QUESTS.)

 

Hey Big G!

Wish I had some good news from the Blackfuse Company, but-ah-I kinda had a weird run in a couple of days ago. Some blond elf kid came an’ bought my entire supply of leftover Face Melters. They just weren’t sellin’, even outta Booty Bay! So, this kid got ’em for a song. No, literally. He sang for ’em. Somethin’ about a dead horse. What was the name? Sparkles? Eh, it don’t matter. I didn’t even have a chance to explain the risks to him. Especially in that leather armor he was wearin’. He did sign the indemnity waiver that disavows me of all legal and moral responsibility though. Thank the laws of physics for mooks who don’t take the time to read, even if it, say, had directions to Gallywix’s secret gold an’ dirty magazine vault hidden away out there.

The weird part? Not even a day later, an’ I’m ridin’ my custom-fitted chopper ’round Ashenvale to go an’ help out your guys at the Warsong Lumber Mill with some defective shredders. All of a sudden, the forest shakes, glitter’s rainin’ down from the trees, an’ I come across one very charred but very alive tauren woman an’ that elf kid! She was screamin’ an’ yellin’ about “That’s the last you’ll see of old Magatha!” while limpin’ away through the trees! That ain’t somethin’ ya see every day! An’ that damn kid, he just didn’t give up! Charred to hell, clothes burnt to cinders, an’ he hobbles after her, firin’ off Face Melter after Face Melter! I had to run for cover because I did NOT want to be on the receivin’ end of that blast. Between explosions an’ hackin’ up glitter, I heard him yellin’ “I AM JOHNNY AWESOME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” I don’t think that elf’s right in the head. HE TOOK OUT MY DAMNED CHOPPER WITH HIS EXPLOSIVES! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG A WALK IT IS BACK TO BILGEWATER HARBOR WHEN YOU’VE GOT LITTLE LEGS?! I’m currently camped out at the rear gate. Maybe I should pick up the parts for a new chopper while I’m in the neighborhood, huh?

–Glessee “Glitch” Sparkbolt

Okay, Glessee, ordinarily I would give you some obligatory “hello”s and “how are you”s, but right now we’ve got more important things to deal with. Namely, let me make sure I’m getting all this straight. So… what you’re telling me is… the leather-wearing, sparkle-pony-mourning JOHNNY AWESOME —

johnnyawesome

WHO I HATE, ever since he helped Magatha that time — bought up a stash of defective weapons… and then used them, for whatever spirits-forsaken reason, to go after fucking MAGATHA GRIMTOTEM — WHO I HATE MORE, ever since, well, seriously, where do I even fucking START? — and the whole thing ended up with the two of them burned to a crisp and charred all to hell and stumbling all cinder-like through Ashenvale?

Okay, dude, you know what? I know that for the last, I don’t know, FOREVER, I’ve held an unwavering stance of “FUCKING TIME TRAVEL,” but I might have to make an exception here, because goddamn would I love to go back and witness that happening live. I could spread that sight over bread and eat it for fucking dinner. Hot damn. HA! <snort>

 

Hey, Garrosh,

Glad to see you still have new and inventive ways to embarrass yourself in front of your daughter. Congrats on alienating the only family you have.

–Varian Wrynn, Stormwind

Oh, hey, Varian, Nice to see you’ve got time in your schedule to write, seeing as I’m sure sucking as hard as you do must take a load of time and effort. Actually, speaking of which, let me cover this before I forget. I AM kind of in EPIC VERSE mode today, and I know you’ve always appreciated my handiwork, so here, here’s one for you on the house:

Two roads diverged in the Elwynn wood
A mere stone’s cast from House of Wrynn,
And for a while, there alone you stood
And weighed, down one path, the likelihood
Of sights of dread at the Goldshire Inn.

You turned to the other winding path
To the northern abbey’s questing hubs.
Even you could do the mental math:
In Goldshire, your brain would need a bath;
Abbey north would just be full of scrubs.

You chose the north road to navigate,
Where fewer leaves had been trodden back.
A visit to Goldshire Inn could wait;
Perhaps one day if you had a date:
You doubted if you should ever come back.

One day you’ll tell this with much ado;
You’ll pardon if I spoil the suspense:
Two roads diverged in the wood, and you–
You chose the one less traveled through.
But that made no difference, because you still suck.
Fuck you, Varian.

Again I say — EPIC VERSE!

But before I give you the finger and send you on your way, I should probably address your point. I mean, you DID pull your head out of your ass long enough to… actually, now that I look back at what you wrote, you didn’t really pull your head out of your ass for that at all, did you? Probably just as well, seeing as having your head constantly jammed up your ass just means your face will be close enough to kiss it goodbye next time I see you. But, either way, I should probably address your point, assheaded though it was.

So, speaking of being an embarrassment to your kid, well, here, let me let one of your fellow readers make my point for me…

 

Lok’tar Warchief Hellscream,

I write to you, not as an ally of Stormwind. Seriously, fuck that idiot King. I’d have half a mind of giving him the Garona Special, but she is one of the few things I fear. I write to you to extend a hand of peace and understanding, being a child of two worlds like your own daughter. My mother was a human. My father was a Blackrock Orc. I know not of what became of either of my parents. As for my peace offering, well, following in the footsteps of another halfbreed rogue does have its benefits! If only I understood these bizarre goblin and gnomish devices better, I could have captured him singing one of those annoying Earth Online pop songs!

prettyvarian

Enjoy!

–Shakis Addington

So… Shakis… I mean, I’m sure there’s… hehe… there’s plenty for me to… heh… to comment on your family background… <chuckle> …and I could probably make a… hehehe… a smartassy comment about being offered a “Garona Special” of my own a time or two, but… ha… hahaha… I mean… <chortle> …oh seriously, you know I can’t get past that… that… THAT!

HAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!

Ahem. Okay. So… um…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Heh. Hehehehehehe.

Okay! Hehehe… Okay, so, to recap for all of you, I just had one reader notify me that Johnny Awesome bought a load of unstable armaments, went after Magatha Grimtotem, and got both of them blown nearly to the Nether in the process. And THEN, and then…

prettyvarian

HeheheHEHEHEHE HAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

I mean really, dude, do you realize… a shark could bite my dick off right now, and this would STILL count as an awesome day.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

That’s it for now. I just… I need to go and… like… I don’t know, do something happy.

More soon.

<GIGGLESNORT>

 

[The Warchief’s next mailbag will be Monday, April 4. Send your questions, comments, or other missives to Garrosh via or email or, as always, using the handy-dandy for below:]

 

Warchiefing for dummies

books1

So it occurs to me that not everybody is a natural leader like I am, but maybe you’re in a position where you’re saddled with some kind of authority. Maybe you didn’t even ask for the job, but it got handed to you anyway. You’re probably in over your head, actually, what with you not being ME or anything, but you’ve got the job regardless and now you’ve got to make the best of it. And so I know what you’re thinking: “Dammit, Garrosh, how can I be awesome like you at this?”

Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you, skipper. The bad news is, sorry, you can’t be awesome like me. Let’s be real here, right? But the good news is that you CAN at least learn to suck a little less. And to help you out with that, here comes your favorite Warchief to lay down the ins and outs of kickass, badass, all-around-ass pro leadership.

Or: WARCHIEFING FOR DUMMIES.

Now before everybody starts shitting themselves based on the title, don’t panic, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not getting ready to hand off leadership to somebody else, and even if I did I would probably just be trolling or some shit. No, don’t worry, you get to look forward to having ol’ Garrosh in charge for a good long time still.

What this IS is a set of handy-dandy guidelines for making the most of your own leadership position. Maybe you’re a military commander. Like me. Or maybe you’re a guild leader on Earth Online. Like me. Or maybe you run your own… I don’t know, you run your own diner, like a barbeque place specializing in the awesomeness of pork, maybe call it Bacon R Us or something. Which, holy shit, if that place DOESN’T already exist, somebody needs to get on the stick and open it like pronto, because I’ll be over for dinner like fucking TONIGHT. Table for two, 7:15. Make sure you’ve got extra sauce stocked.

Point is, though, if you don’t have the benefit of being ME, then you could probably benefit from getting a little more me-ness in your operation. So, here’s your very own personal desperately needed guide to getting some Garrosh in you. (Ladies.)

So, let’s get down to some Warchiefing.

THE BASICS

So, this first point should be painfully obvious to anyone who isn’t stupid, but if there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s that assuming someone isn’t stupid is almost always a losing proposition. So I’ll go ahead and point out the obvious to you fuckers: being an authority figure means having authority OVER someone. And the more authority you have, the more of those someones you’ve got, until you make your way all the way up to my level, where you’re so much of a boss that people look at you and try to fathom just how much of a boss you are and their heads just go blank and all they can come up with is “??” Only you’re NOT really going to make your way up to that level, because that level is my level, and nobody else is going to reach that level while I’m around, so don’t go getting any ideas.

SO.

If you’re the person in charge, that means you have minions. Hopefully, your minions aren’t as FUCKING INCOMPETENT as most of MY minions, but, you know, good luck there. Point is, though, one way or another, those minions are what you’ve got to work with. Which leads us to our first few Warchiefing guidelines:

USE YOUR DAMN MINIONS

This should be pretty obvious — you might be noticing a theme developing already — but let’s be honest here. If obvious shit was really obvious to everyone, they wouldn’t need me to point it out. Obvious is only obvious to people with enough brains to see the… obviosity. YES THAT’S A FUCKING WORD. Obviously.

The point is, your minions are there to work for you. So put them to work. Delegate. Figure out what your minions don’t completely suck at, and get those motherfuckers busy doing that. If at all possible, also try to watch out for what they DO completely suck at, and then, don’t let them do that. This last item might be hard to manage, depending on how stupid the minions in question are. One way or another, though, get them working. If the shit they’re able to do lines up with shit you’d just as soon avoid yourself, by the way? WIN-WIN.

Case in point: when I first became Warchief, one of the biggest surprises was just how much time I ended up being stuck with paperwork. Like you would not BELIEVE how many forms need to get filled out in an average day of running an ambiguously structured quasi-totalitarian regime the dictatorial nature of which only became questionable to anyone once it was being run by the guy WITHOUT the fucking messiah complex. I think I might have digressed a little there. But anyway. I had all this paperwork piling, form after form to fill out, and hoo boy was that eating up my day and leaving me precious little time to… you know… play computer games and write EPIC VERSE. And just… be awesome and stuff. But LO AND BEHOLD, right there in Grommash Hold with me was old man Eitrigg, with his nice tidy penmanship and his cushy retirement plan that he didn’t want to cash in on even though he was like a zillion years old, and his charming habit of bitching and moaning to me about everything and anything if he didn’t have something to keep him otherwise occupied. So what did I do? That’s right, I KEPT HIS ASS FUCKING OCCUPIED.

Actually, scratch that. That made it sound vaguely dirty, and OH SHIT I bet Rule 34 has already engaged. Shit. Okay, well, moving on.

The point is, I shuffled that paperwork right on over to the old dude, and let him worry about “in triplicate” being a depressingly recurrent phrase in his life, while I freed myself up to get back to things more in line with my Warchieferous stature. DELEGATION, bitches.

So, as much as possible, you need to have a clear, solid sense of what your people have going for them, so you can use them effectively. Here, take a few examples of what I’m talking about:

mokvar-follower1

dontrag-follower1

utvoch-follower1

So, see, that gives you a basic sense of what you need to know about what your people bring to the table. Actually, come to think of it, that could be a pretty cool resource: like have a table where you could have all that information about your minions gathered in one place, and then you use it to assign them to whatever missions need to be covered, and then you can dispatch them right from there.

Hmm.

Actually, fuck that. I bet that setup would be cool for like a week or two, then become fucking BORING. Fuck that. I don’t want to be stuck at a damn desk all the time. I want to get out there and do some stuff myself. OKAY THEN, on second thought:

HANDS-ON LEADERSHIP

Let’s be honest here. Contrary to what the touchy-feely motherfuckers of the world would have you believe, it’s not a matter of stepping back and letting your people do their job and trusting them not to fuck it up. They’re GOING to fuck it up, okay? I’m just telling you the facts here. The fucking math doesn’t lie. Odds are, they’re going to fuck something up. You could give them a job to do that’s got, like, a fucking 99% chance of working, and just you watch them dig down deep and crowbar their stupid asses into that 1%. And that’s when you sometimes have to be ready to get out there in the field and show those dumbasses how shit gets done. So whether it’s blood elves who can’t figure out why they’re getting their baby teeth kicked in by a bunch of statues, or blood elves who think it’s a hot idea to send one random scrub into an enemy lair, or blood elves… I don’t know. Some third thing. Probably involving blood elves. POINT IS, don’t be afraid to roll up your sleeves and take matters into your own hands.

For one thing, it’s good for morale when the troops see you out there in the trenches with them. Plus, that way, when they DO fuck up, and then you pimp in and show them how fucking easy it is for a non-jackass to do things, well, you’ve already given them enough rope to hang themselves, so now you get to come down like a mountain of hellfire on them, and if they happen to leave some rope literally lying around the joint, maybe even ACTUALLY hang them. Because THAT’S how you make sure that the NEXT batch of minions sees what happens when fuckuppery ensues, and maybe get more motivated to have their asses in gear than the last (late) bunch of minions.

See, at the end of the day, it’s all about the tough love.

So go on, get out there, kick some ass, take some names, then use the names to yell at the motherfuckers while you kick their asses some more. You’ll feel better, believe me.

THE BIG PICTURE

The biggest reason you want to delegate, though, isn’t because you’re lazy, or because you want to amuse yourself watching the B-listers try to stay on top of an A-list job and almost certainly shit all over themselves as a result, or because you prefer spending your time eating an assortment of tasty lemon squares off of an assortment of tasty groupies. I mean, you probably do, because really, but that’s not the main reason. The most important reason to delegate is because the jobs you’re going to delegate, no matter how important they might be, they’re just the DETAILS. But YOU are the one who’s mapped out how those details are going to add up to something. You’re the one thinking five steps ahead. You’re the man with the plan. OR WOMAN, OR WOMAN, DON’T START WRITING FUCKING LETTERS, GEEZ.

Point is, you’re the one who’s got it all figured out, because seriously, does THAT sound like a job you want to leave to the Dontrags and Utvochs of the world? No, of course not. They don’t know what the fuck’s going on. When you send your minions into a situation, they don’t have the sense to realize all the things that could go wrong. But YOU do — you know perfectly well all the ways the operation could — probably WILL — end up blowing up in everyone’s face. So you need to stay freed up to continue figuring out all the reasons why the mission is doomed to failure and is probably a bad idea to begin with, and then send their asses out to give it the ol’ college try anyway. Probably the ol’ COMMUNITY college try, given the likely state of your minions, but still.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I might add to it another time if more unfathomable genius comes to me.

More soon.

 

A day in the life

orgrimmar5

So, the last few mailbags have gotten me thinking. I’ve been getting a bunch of questions about pretty regular day-to-day things in my life — nuts and bolts about what I do and why. Just another part of being a celebrity, I guess, and a pretty damn awesome one at that. Point is, with all the crazy crap that goes on around here, I think I might have gotten so busy keeping everyone updated on the BIG NEWSY stuff that I haven’t bothered talking about anything else. Which, you know, was kind of the POINT of writing the damn blog in the first place. You know. THOUGHTS AND MUSINGS AND SHIT.

Well, maybe not shit. Not literally. Because gross.

Point is, though, I’m going to try to be a little better about posting on the NON-BIG-GIANT-WORLD-ALTERING stuff that’s going on or that I have in mind or whatever. So, for those of you interested in more of an inside look at what it’s like to be me (short version: way better than it is to be you), here, have a peek into a sample of a day in the life of everyone’s favorite Warchief.

(That would be ME, you UNGRATEFUL SMARTASSES out there.)

 

8:09 AM – Woke up. Rolled out of bed. Pulled razor across my head. (I try to be diligent about shaving. Wouldn’t be a big deal if I only had some stubble on my FACE — the tattoos would make it hard to see anyway — but if it starts getting visible on top, you start seeing what a bad draw I got as far as middle-aged hairlines go. I’ll tell you, my mother’s side of the family must have had some fucking awful hair, because I sure as hell didn’t get mine from Grom.)

8:16 AM – Morning jog around Grommash Hold. Worked up good sweat but noticed several vendors conspicuously absent. Unable to amuse self by slapping them on the way by. Possibly vendors getting wise. Two years later. Never said they were sharpest tools. Disappointing nonetheless. Post-slap reactions always good for chuckle. Especially troll.

8:43 AM – Bacon. Also: more bacon.

8:51 AM – Kafa. Really not bad at all. Maybe should have listened to Ruekie about Starbulls earlier. Remember to check with her about other blends later. Potential application of haste buff stacking with Recklessness.

9:00 AM – Budget review meeting with Eitrigg. Gramps raised some concerns about an increase in the “Warchief discretionary spending” category. Don’t even get me started.

10:00 AM – Staff meeting with Malkorok, Overlord Runthak, and Overseer Elaglo. Updates on a number of projects, plus a few security oddities from Malk. Mokvar working with Xorenth today, so Taktani recording notes. Malkorok less than pleased. Can’t really blame him. Some sensitive topics, so not publishing transcript.

11:32 AM – On way out after meeting, had to suffer through, and minimize, small talk with Dontrag. Or Utvoch. Not sure. Apparently waiting for Tak after meeting. Luckily escaped when she came out.

11:36 AM – Note to self: Check on which one of D&U is which.

11:37 AM – Followup note to self: Don’t really give shit which is which. Disregard previous.

11:45 AM – Shayari gets back from morning of mage training with Faranell in Undercity. As per recommendation, Doc showed her Ice Block today. Apparently never bothered picking it up because she’s a fire mage. Dalaran, Shmalaran. Don’t know what those fuckers were teaching her.

Shay also delivered (another) invoice from Faranell for his jaw replacement. Can’t possibly really be that expensive. Also not crazy about Materials; “headhunting” and acquisition line item. Bad feeling about this.

12:20 PM – Lunch at Broken Tusk. Pretty good special, “Agamaggan’s pulled pork.” Needs bacon, though. Then again, what doesn’t?

12:36 PM – While eating, interrupted by Dontrag. Or Utvoch. Not sure. Not the one from earlier. Other one. Yammered on about something. Difficult to follow as I wasn’t listening. Can only assume that sounds of me eating sounded to him like “Tell me about your life.” Really crossed the line, though, when he started going on and on about wanting to set up a double date for him and the other one.* Thought of those two on dates led to prospect of them breeding. Lost appetite at that point and left. See, proves my point about bacon. Would have still been worth it in that case.

* Not with me. Double date for them and two someones (sometwos?) else. Not me. Even bacon couldn’t have salvaged that shit if so.

1:30 PM – Combat drills with trainees. Focus today on defensive maneuvers, parrying, mitigation skills. Overall decent performance. Korrina still a little reckless. Rook possibly a little too quick to hit “oh shit” buttons, but growing more adept at self-heals. Bodes well for group use, maybe occasional off-healing. Giska doing well with unarmed combat, blocking especially, skill less successful while using a weapon. Possibly check with Lunchbox on this. Tuekie, Zorekk coming along well, performance gap remains but growing less conspicuous. Mirembe and Tov’osh still on training maneuvers in Northrend.

3:00 PM – Extra melee practice with Gurtash. Trying to ease him back in but he’s still a little slow to pick things back up. Very hesitant. Hit accuracy seems uncompromised by injury, so that’s good. Kept to short session today. Don’t want to discourage him but combat skills need to take major step forward if he’s to perform honorably. And survive. More side sessions to follow.

4:00 PM – Hop onto Earth Online. Not going to bother logging guild chat — only getting on for a few minutes to check auctions and knock out a few dailies, then I’ll be logging off.

6:11 PM – Finally logged off of Earth Online. Man. Game really goes have a way of sucking you in and burning the day. Didn’t even really do anything especially fun. Didn’t even really do much of ANYTHING. Two hours gone anyway. How the hell does Genesis do it? Check on this — could have potential mind control / military applications. Make mental note for next meeting with Blackfuse and/or Draz’Zilb. And of course, Shay had to pop in and snarky comments about nerdy gaming. Again.

6:20 PM – Tried to take Shay to this new barbecue place over in the Drag for dinner. When we arrived, found Dontrag and Utvoch there.

Positive: Both there, so no need to worry about who’s who.

Negative: Both there.

Double negative: Don’t CARE who’s who, which cancels out positive above. (Math nerds: Yes, in this case double negative cancels the positive and not the negatives. Don’t get panties in a bunch. Also: HEAD HURTS.)

Triple negative: They were chatty.

6:22 PM – Got the fuck out of there and headed home. I’ll send for takeout, dammit. Fuck that noise. (Literal noise.)

6:27 PM – Passed by Kodohide Leatherworkers on way home. Had to drag Shay away to avoid shopping spree. She stuck head in doorway, entire staff greeted her by name. Fuck me.

7:21 PM – Shay tries to conjure lemon squares for dessert. Not something that usually promises much success but she decides she wants to try it anyway. Goes about as well as you might expect.

7:34 PM – Leave note for repair crew to come by tomorrow to take care of damage to kitchen. Not looking forward to bill. Also make mental note to talk to Faranell about the lemon square thing or failure thereof. What the hell am I paying for. Remember this next time he tries griping about the bill for his damn jaw.

 

Monday mailbag

mail27

We’ve got a bunch of letters to get through this week, and I have a bunch of stuff I need to do today, so let’s get right down to it. And lo and behold, we get to kick things off with everybody’s… um… “favorite” new correspondent of mine…

 

Hail, Warchief!

Okay, consider this to be a sort of test. Of course, my initial shock of your new limitations to these letters was perhaps a little…irrational. It’s just that I have never been confronted with such a shock, not once in all my years! However many of them there are, that is. So allow me to extend my utmost apologies for my over-reaction. Brevity just isn’t a common art form where I live. To be frank, I’m almost strongly advised against it. After all, how do you think we manage to stall our enemies long enough for a little rogue to sneak behind them and twist a knife through their back?

Nonetheless, I have no doubts that this wasn’t a mere act of impatience or annoyance, but as a test against the foes who would inevitably call our bluff and have their OWN rogues sneaking up behind us while we’re speaking. For this, I thank you.

Perhaps you never knew, since I noticed you did not fight the Lich King during his final battle, but I think that the only reason we won was because Arthas was so intent on making us suffer, he just didn’t imagine Highlord Fordring’s faith in the Light to win out! There wasn’t much I could say, what with my being dead. Dark days.

Have any big , bad guys YOU’VE stood against attacked you after 250 words? Or you, them? I must read into this!

Remain faithful, dear Warchief.

–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker, Argent Crusade.

Um. Actually, Sarlin, the reason I…

<rubs forehead>

You know what? Fuck it. Whatever.

Yeah, you caught me. It was all just a lesson I was trying to teach you, making you limit your letters to 250 words or less. Just a big ol’ lesson about… hmm. Let’s see. FOCUS! There we go. Focus and efficiency. See, sometimes, sure, you need to… um… you know, that thing like you said with the rogues and whatever the hell that was… and sometimes you need to be able to focus in on the task at hand and get shit done, like pronto. Like for instance…

Hang on.

<flipping through book>

I know it’s here somewhere.

<flipping more pages>

So by the way, while I’m looking for this — speaking of rogues, have you ever met Garona? Because now that I think of it, that could be pretty damn entertaining if– oh wait wait wait, here we go. Here.

<opens book flat on desk>

Now we’re in business.

So FOR INSTANCE, like say you had a city taken over by those Scourge that you and your Argent buddies worry so much about, and let’s say the city was being run by some dude calling himself a baron — which would be kinda lame seeing as he could pick any title he wanted but settled for something ordinary like “baron” — and he’s holding someone prisoner, somebody’s wife maybe, and in 45 minutes ol’ baron-boy is gonna execute Ysera.

<squints>

Wait.

<leans closer to book>

Make that Ysida. He’s gonna execute Ysida. Man, Mokvar’s handwriting is some kind of spirits-damned awful, I tell you. But yeah, Ysida, not Ysera. Although, wouldn’t it be way cooler if I was right the first time? Doesn’t that sound kind of awesome, if the guy was gonna try to kill this giant green dragon? Now see, THAT would have made him a legit badass bad guy with some street cred.

Anyway, though, point is, say you need to get to your head-honcho baddie, and you’ve got limited time to do it in, you can’t just sit there taking your sweet time talking everything in the place to death, right? No, you want to get in there, kick some ass, take some names, promptly forget the names because who the fuck cares WHO those losers are, they’re dead now so pfft, then get to baron dude and beat him down before he drops the axe.

I mean, at least, YOU want to do that. From what I can tell, Ysida was a human, so as far as I would be concerned, fuck ’er, let ol’ Baron lop her head off for all I care. Good riddance. BUT YOU GET MY POINT.

Meanwhile, since you bring up Tirion back in ICC, I just gotta say… leave it to T-Ford to be frozen in a giant block of ice… and STILL find a way to break into a damn speech. No wonder Arthas was finally like “Fuck this shit, just kill me already, yeesh.”

Moving on.

 

So I don’t ordinarily do this, but this next letter came in the form of an image, and since it’s kind of visual, I’m going to just reproduce it here:

letter1

Okay, so, this is kind of a weird question, but on the other hand, this is obviously just a thinly veiled excuse to spend a little extra time checking out my, ahem, skintone, and I don’t know if I can blame you for taking a good long look in the “artistic” interests of picking your color pallette, because ENJOY THE VIEW, LADIES.

But, now that you mention it, the fact that you’re all interested in Horde edition crayons makes me feel like we’ve got a potential opportunity on our hands, because MERCHANDISING, BITCHES. Hell, there might even be a market for Warchief’s Command Board goodies — I think Spazzle was toying around the idea of trying to make some WCB action figures or something. Although personally I think that was just his way of angling to be immortalized in plastic. Which is really kind of sad, to be honest. Anyway, though, I might have to look into taking advantage of this market, what with, you know, all of a sudden me having a lot more by way of expenses.

So since you brought up the subject, Quelita, here, straight from… um… well, Gurtash’s unattended art supplies, mostly, and some quick printouts, enjoy a possible sampling:

crayons1

Well, it’s a draft. Any thoughts on swag you guys might be interested in forking over your hard-earned gold for? It’ll be easier handing it over that way than at axepoint. I KID, I KID. Mostly.

 

Greetings, Warchief Hellscream,

After I recovered from reading your highly entertaining reaction to hearing about my potion, your ally Mogor persuaded me to send this sample of the potion. Although I was rather tempted to see you have another flip-out, I believe that’s the word for it, I decided instead that one good turn deserves another and agreed. I have only tested the effects of its standard strain on ogres, and two-headed ones at that, but at his discretion I modified it so that it can work pairs of heads on separate bodies which are very close in personality. It has been used on some ogre “duos”, you might call them, with fair success. I should warn you that it is still partially in the experimental stage, as I cannot account for the full effects of the potion and have never tried it on orcs. I should, but I don’t expect you would listen, and I can imagine you believe that knocking some sense into that bumbling pair of head-cases, Dontrag and Utvoch, is worth any price.  

Kind Regards,

–Draz’Zilb of the Stonemaul Clan

So first of all, you ever notice how people who are like… super creepy evil are always really polite, even when they’re BEING super creepy evil? Don’t know why that came to mind just now. But keep it in mind the next time you need an airtight response to some jackass who’s trying to say I’M evil, because FUCK THAT GUY, THAT’S WHY.

Anyway.

So, listen, Draz’Zilb… and good to hear from you, by the way, nice to see you’re still up and about and vaguely disturbing and everything… but so, I think I might have some bad news for you.

Short version is, I think you may need to give that potion another draft or two before it’s ready for prime time on non-ogre types.

Longer version is… I got your potion and gave it to Dontrag and Utvoch a little while ago. And it sure as hell kicked in quick on them… and apparently helped stop their two little pea-brains from being so disconnected. Which in THIS case, meant that each one of them all of a sudden had partial control over the other one’s LIMBS. So they spent like an hour and a half yanking each other around and each of them experimenting to see if they could make the other walk into a wall or flap his arms like wings or whatever.

Now, look, I can totally see how this potion effect could be handy for your typical two-headed ogres. I can see how having two brains — even if they’re bargain-basement brains — running one body can be confusing as hell, especially if the two heads don’t always agree on what the body should be doing. I get how doing something to firm up bodily control and coordination could be a good thing. And even trying it out here on the braintrust, it was kind of entertaining for the first 20 minutes or so. But after it got past an hour, it was just starting to get annoying, especially with how it didn’t seem to be getting old at all to THEM.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on that 45-minute period when they both thought “DON’T HIT YOURSELF” was the most hysterical thing in the world after 7000 repetitions.

And you know what, Drazzy? That wasn’t even the worst of it. Because your crazy potion really did do the trick, and put their two brains — or, I mean, the two HALVES of the ONE fucking brain that they split between them — in synch with each other… just not the way you were probably shooting for. Because, see, after a little while, apparently they started being able to hear each other’s thoughts, and communicate telepathically. And I know this because of the three or four dozen times when one of them replied out loud to something the other one was thinking… or when one of them said something out loud to the other one, only the other one didn’t say anything out loud in response, but the first one acted like he got an answer… or, get this, when the two of them spent spirits-know-how-long not realizing that the damn mind-reading thing didn’t apply to fucking EVERYONE, so that when I asked them something, they couldn’t just THINK it at me.

Speaking of which, by the way, there seems to be some evidence that the effects of the potion can be dispelled by a severe beating around the head area. Eventually.

So, back to the drawing board, I’m thinking. Keep up the good work, though. And by “good,” I mean “disturbingly yet usefully evil.”

 

Hello Warchief!

I was happy to see Gurtash is alive and recovering in your recent blog post. Give him my regards and well wishes.

I was curious about a book in the hands of the young shaman Ruekie. “Resto for Dummies” correct? Where can I find a copy? It looks like a book I would be interested in reading myself.  I am a rather new shaman myself and wondering if this is something I want to continue training in or return to my monkish roots. This book may help me decide if this is what I want to do.

Are there other books in the series that would be helpful?

Have you written any books yourself?

Books are wonderful! I enjoy seeing shelves full of them!

Sincerely,

–Misqueu Zephyrpaw, Wandering Isle

Hey, Misqueu, thanks for writing. So before somebody else notices this and decides to be an asshole — because you know someone will — let me point out: yes, this letter from Misqueu did come from the Wandering Isle. Now, when I first noticed that, I’ll admit I had kind of a WTF moment about it, seeing as, last I’d heard, all the pandas on the Wandering Isle had either come to Orgrimmar to join the Horde, or stayed behind to go on living in isolation on the island. Okay, there were also the batch of pandas who went to join the Alliance, but they don’t count because FUCK THEM that’s why. Although they DID get to punch Varian in the face as part of the deal, and, you know, as much as I hate the Alliance, I have to admit that’s a pretty sweet perk. I’d seriously be half tempted to try swinging by Stormwind wearing a panda costume just to see if I could cash in on it myself. Again.

But, after my initial what-the-fuckery, I did a little checking on the matter. Which, by the way, took way longer than I would have figured. My first thought was to ask Ji about it, only it turned out some place down by the Drag was having an all-you-can-eat buffet, and hoo boy, when ol’ Pudge heard “all you can eat,” he didn’t just hear a bargain offer, he heard a fucking CHALLENGE. So, he wasn’t available to field questions.

Luckily, I was able to catch Ben-Lin free. Or, well, I MADE her free. I guess she was technically in the middle of one of her counseling sessions with some shellshocked Wrathgate survivor. I’m not too clear on what his deal was, though, seeing as we didn’t have a whole lot of time to chit chat what with him crapping himself and running out when I busted in and yelled that his time was up. I thought Ben-Lin was gonna get all serious-facey about the interruption, too, but then she realized that now the dude was probably going to be on the hook for a bunch more billable hours down the road. So, win-win for everybody.

Anyhow, Ben cleared up the whole Wandering Isle thing for me. Turns out, even after the initial batch of pandas took off from the Wandering Isle, a bunch of Korga Strongmane’s people stayed behind for a while with the other pandas, and told them a bunch about the goings-on in the rest of the world. I guess even though they wanted to keep to themselves on the island, they were still curious about what else is out there, and so, after a while, what do you know, they managed to get themselves set up with the internet. Which, as we all know, is fucking spectacular when it comes to letting people sit back and observe life without having to get un-hermit-ified and actually becoming part of it.

Although, that also raises the minor question of, you know, HOW THE FUCK do you hook up stable internet access ON A GIANT FUCKING TURTLE? Grizzle Gearslip can’t keep my goddamn wireless connection stable in Domination Point, but someone was able to hook up THE SHELL OF A GIANT TURTLE with net access? For real?

Oh, wait, you know what? I’ll bet you anything there were goblins involved. Because, where there’s a will there’s a way, and where there’s the prospect of monthly internet access fees, there’s ALL KINDS of motherfucking will. Apparently it’s just when they happen to be on MY FUCKING PAYROLL that goblins STILL aren’t able to get technical things to fucking well work. GRIZZLE. Fucking hell.

Okay, so. Was there actually a question up there somewhere? OH THAT’S RIGHT. Books.

No, I haven’t written any books. Well, not unless you count all the thrilling adventures, thoughts, and musings I’ve written here on the blog. THAT should count as a book or two, right? I’m just writing it a little at a time. And…having other people transcribe the dialogue for me. And draw illustrations. IT’S CALLED DELEGATING, OKAY?

I’m not sure about the book you saw Ruekie reading, but it IS part of a series. What’s kind of sad is the fact that a lot of the books are bestsellers, and yet just from looking at the titles, you can tell that they’re STILL pretty badly needed. For instance:

 

  • Tanking for Dummies — Make sure you have the current edition, though, because they completely revise it from top to bottom every few months.
  • Getting Out of the Fire for Dummies — 600,000 copies sold. And yet.
  • Trolling for Dummies — Not sure if this one is about the jackassery you usually see in trade chat, or the ins and outs of life on the Echo Isles. Or how to tell the difference, come to think of it.
  • Earth Online Dollarmaking for Dummies — To be honest, I don’t know if this one is legit, or if it’s like one of those seminars you see advertised on late-night live streams that promise to let you in on some big moneymaking secret and then the secret ends up being to charge naive saps like you a fee to hear about some moneymaking secret. (I’ve never fallen for this, by the way. And there are no living witnesses who will say otherwise.)
  • Blogging for Dummies — Because not everyone is a fucking natural like yours truly.
  • Commanding a Ship Without Wrecking It for Dummies — Guess what Nazgrim is getting from me for Winter Veil every year for the rest of his life?
  • Timewalking for Dummies — I haven’t read a page of this book and if anyone brings a copy near me I swear to fuck I will beat them to death with it. Because fuck time travel.

 

I’m sure there are others, but those are the ones I can think of offhand. I might have to think about putting one of my own together, though. Something to share some of my own unique brand of wisdom, insight, and dead sexy kickassery. Hmm. Stay tuned.

But hey, if you’re a fan of books, Misqueu, I’ll tell you who you should have a sit-down with — Faranell down in the Undercity. I hear tell he’s pretty much read all of them. He can probably recite half of them back to you. Really saves space as far as the shelving goes, I figure. You should swing by and ask him about it, actually. He’s in the Apothecarium. Just go to the Undercity and…like… follow the smell. You can’t miss it. I’m sure he’d be glad to talk about… hmm. Actually, knowing Edwin, he probably WOULDN’T be too thrilled to…eh, you know what? Fuck it. Go drop by anyway. What the hell. It should be good for a laugh or two.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this is all reminding me of a couple things I need to go do, so I’m going to wrap this up and try to get back to the mail ASAP (fuck knows I still have enough of it building up…)

More soon.

 

[BONUS mailbag — the Warchief will be responding to his voluminous mail a second time this month! Garrosh’s next mailbag will be Monday, December 21. As always, send your thoughts to the Warchief using the email link in the right sidebar, or using the form below!]

 

Everyone has a price

azshara1

Well, I just got back from Azshara. Operation Blackfuse is a go.

I went up this morning, just me and Malkorok. I wanted to keep this pretty hush-hush, and have a minimal number of people involved. Mokvar was definitely out, what with him being busy working on Neeru Firelade these days, and besides, I don’t know if this was exactly a meeting I would want an official record of.

On the other hand… we ARE talking about cutting a deal with a goblin. And an extra fast-talking one at that. And considering how shifty goblins can get about their fine print sometimes…

OH DAMMIT. I swear to fuck, one of these days I’m going to stop biting myself in the damn ass.

ANYWAY.

I headed up to Bilgewater Harbor with Malkorok in tow — he insisted on coming with me for security purposes, just in case I needed some backup. Of course, that brilliant plan of his kind of went up in smoke once we actually GOT there, and placed Blackfuse’s super-secret retarded-ass lunch order, and Blackfuse’s flunky Fizz Lighter turned up to teleport us over. The going-up-in-smoke taking the form of said flunky porting ME into Blackfuse’s lair, but not Malk. Which, you know, kind of defeated the point of me bringing a fucking bodyguard. I tell you, he really does get the job most of the time, but sometimes I wonder about that guy. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Evidently, though, that’s standard operating procedure for Blackfuse — only letting the crucial people port over to his place and not just giving a blanket invitation to any guests they might have brought with them. Which I guess I can understand, seeing as if you’re running a secret underground operation, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to let somebody come parading into your pad with a bunch of armed guards. Not good for security, and for that matter, it doesn’t necessarily leave you a very good negotiating position when you and your handful of goons are outnumbered. Still annoying from my vantage point, mind you, but I get it.

Anyhow, Blackfuse had himself one damn impressive underground lair. All kinds of gadgets and gizmos all over the place, and this crazy souped-up trike, and also some gigantic copper piece sitting out on display for decoration, although I’m still not sure what was up with that. OH but seriously, dude, you would not BELIEVE the gaming rig that guy has. Gigantic high-res display, stereo speakers, one of those snazzy gaming keyboards, all set up around this fucking AWESOME recliner. I hopped onto Earth Online for a few minutes while I was there, because I just HAD to see how it looked on that screen of his, and DAMN. And did I mention the chair? Crazy comfy with buttons and shit built into the armrests to control some of his gadgets. Seriously, I could fucking LIVE here. Which I guess is kind of the point, seeing as Blackfuse DOES pretty much live there. Still, I’ve definitely got to work on my own man-cave after seeing that shit. Or Warchief-cave. Something like that. I’ll come up with a suitable name for it later.

Anyway, Blackfuse was already getting on my good side with the snazzy toys and shit, and once we had a chance to go over more practical military projects, dude didn’t disappoint. I brought a pack with me with a bunch of schematics of the equipment we’re working with right now, and Blackfuse was full of ideas for how we could soup it up or move to a whole new-and-improved wave of tech. I’m not going to go into detail here for security reasons, plus why spoil all the surprises that everyone gets to look forward to? I seriously can’t wait to see the look on Nazgrim’s face when he sees some of this shit he’s going to get to play with.

So, the up side: yeah, I think we’re in business. Now for the down side. HOLY FUCKING SHIT that guy doesn’t work for cheap. I mean, I get it, he’s a goblin, and a businessman, and he’s looking to make money, that’s all cool, but FUCKING HELL, dude, I’ve BEEN to an auction house before, I KNOW there’s not that much of a markup on seaformium!

So evidently, Blackfuse thought it was a cool idea to try to price-gouge me, and don’t get me wrong, I was totally ready to pay the guy, but COME THE FUCK ON. Luckily, I came prepared with a counteroffer he couldn’t rightly refuse. Remember that pack I mentioned bringing, with the schematics and shit? Well, I also took the precaution of packing a bunch of shaman recall totems to take with me.

For those of you not in the know, recall totems are these totems that shaman bind part of their spirit to, so that they can basically summon themselves to the totem later. Usually, shaman attune themselves to a totem that they set up in their home so they can pop on back there, but figured it might be handy to bring a few along. So that, at a pre-set time, if they hadn’t received word otherwise, Overseer Elaglo and Xorenth and a couple of their acolytes could use their attunements to those totems to POOF themselves right on over, right next to me.

Oh, and hey, while they were at it, they might as well all pack a few totems each, too, so some MORE of their shaman friends could pop on over and we could have a roarin’ ol’ shaman party while we were at it. And so between the couple dozen shaman we suddenly had in attendance, and the bunch of flame hounds they summoned to come join us — because who doesn’t like to bring their dog along for a fun time, am I right? — well, go figure, all of a sudden Blackfuse’s asking price started coming way the fuck DOWN.

See? Who says I’m not a good contract negotiator? You just have to know how to talk to people.

We’ve got a plan in place now, and Blackfuse is going to come to Orgrimmar in a few weeks to go over logistics. Barring something stupid happening — which I know you never can assume around these parts, unfortunately — we should be good to go.

More soon.

 

Spazzle Speaks: Refer a Friend

earthonline6

Things have been quiet for a few days, thank goodness. Garrosh has been busy with whatever he does in Grommash Hold. Mokvar has been busy down in Ragefire Chasm. Ji’s been busy with…well, I’m not really sure what Ji’s been busy with, but I figure he must be busy, since he hasn’t raided my fridge in a while. So as long as he’s doing okay I guess that’s a good thing.

Anyhow, all the quiet time just means I have some free time to spend gaming.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] So its like a patch

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Spazzle

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well, kind of

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but different

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good afternoon, Spazzle

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi mbc

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] How

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BIGGER PRETTY MUCH

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey gayle

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, much much bigger, plus the expansions are when they make all the big changes to things

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] What kinds of things

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey everyone

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] gaahh!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new abilities for your class

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or sometimes they revise how your class works

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HI MR

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so close!

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] And usually break it.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so what’s been going on?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Hello MrBadCrumble

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not terribly much, really.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] MORE LEVELS TOO

[Guild][MargoLane] not really, guys, but it’s ok

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea that too bart

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A friend of Mokvar’s just joined the guild.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh no I hope they dont break mine

[Guild][MargoLane] let’s just start it up again

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She’s running something with…well, the braintrust.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I take it everyone’s heard?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh cool

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Don’t even get me started on how badly they messed up my recipes when they introduced Lactose Intolerance.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I wouldn’t worry about that, red

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m starting it

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] More levels??

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] About the expansion? Yes.

You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: a friend of yours?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I think they said they were getting rid of that next expansion

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] You’re still learning your class so it probably won’t be too big of a change

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Everyone’s been talking about it off and on as the information has come out.

You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: who’s that?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh thank the spirits.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH THE NEW MAX LEVEL IS GOING TO BE 70

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] 70???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah I’ve been streaming the coverage in the background

[Bartleby | Mokvar] whispered: Who do you think?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] But I havent gotten to 60 yet!

You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: lol

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’m surprised you didn’t go to EarthCon this year, actually, Spaz.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t worry, red, you still have plenty of time

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the expansion won’t be for months yet

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh okay

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] eh, well, those zep tickets aren’t cheap

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] probably longer

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH IT’S NOT GOING TO BE ANY TIME SOON

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] besides, when tickets were going on sale, I was kinda busy with more important things

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like trying to figure out if my friend was actually dead

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] They didn’t say when it’s going to be

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “soon”

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, sorry

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SOON

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] “Soon”™

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re NOT dead

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And that’s not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] just, y’know… earthcon!

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Well

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Soon?

You whispered to [MargoLane]: so, I guess I know you?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] nope

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh. What’s soon?

[MargoLane] whispered: lol, hi spazzle

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not usually

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] This game is very confusing at times

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey boss

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HELLO OMGIPWNEDURFACE

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new expansion

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Didn’t you say you had some meeting in Azshara today, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MargoLane]: keeping an eye on Mokvar here too? hehe

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW THATS HARD TO TYPE

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh shit, they announced it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The new expansion?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh? what’s in azshara?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, they did the announcement this morning

[MargoLane] whispered: eh, mostly just a way to pass the time

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh come now, Spazzle, you of all people should know what’s in Azshara.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] info’s been leaking out little by little all day

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Damn, I missed it

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Considering how much of it your kin have blown up.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So what’s it going to be?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey hey hey

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay yeah alright

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] at least we don’t make places glow green when we move in :-/

[MargoLane] whispered: plus from the way mok talks about them, it sounds like dontrag and utvoch can use as much help with their cashiering as they can get

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “back to the future”

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It seems like a Caverns of Time inspired story

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I suspect that several irradiated former lab sites would beg to differ.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah yeah fine

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …What?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO RED

You whispered to [MargoLane]: what are you doing with them?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i know, right?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you suppose they consulted with Nozdormu about it

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So hang on, are they screwing with me or what?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] IDK

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Nope.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] but anyway, that’s why I was wondering

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Time travel

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I had much the same reaction at first, to be honest, Warchief.

[MargoLane] whispered: just taking them through some trade school scenarios and giving them pointers

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking hell…

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so I guess the way it’s going to work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] if you were going to azshara, maybe I know some people up there

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] is we’re going to go back in time to key moments in earth history

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I think it’ll be pretty interesting to see some of those events we’ve been hearing about

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] not sure yet if we’re trying to change what happens

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, maybe, I wanted to keep this fairly hush hush until I saw how things were going to go

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or, yea, if we’re doing the noz thing

You whispered to [MargoLane]: how’s it coming along?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WHAT DO YOU MEAN

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ugggghhhhh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, it’s official

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I just mean all the lore events that we read about in the quests

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, what she said

[MargoLane] whispered: slowly

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How what was going to go?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOZ

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They are seriously running out of ideas

[Guild][MargoLane] ok ok come on you two

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Or in those books that you can click on to read more about the world

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, like

[Guild][MargoLane] another try

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL HE HATES WHEN PEOPLE CALL HIM THAT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, clandestine undertakings. How intriguing!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the world wars

You whispered to [MargoLane]: haha, well good luck

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Ahem, Honalee…

[Guild][MargoLane] let’s try actually using the register this time

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the french revolution

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the fall of rome

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking time travel…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Intriguing primarily, of course, because I would know nothing of such things.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good idea

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that kind of thing

[MargoLane] whispered: lol thanks

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I MEAN SO I’VE HEARD

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, that reminds me, I still need to find one more of those books for the achievement

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m meeting with a goblin engineer who might start working on improving the ol’ arsenal

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH WOW YOU READ THOSE

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, who is it? I might know them

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You dont

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So is it those three events specifically, or what?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How’s it looking?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Good so far

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you mean the books or the quests

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] EITHER

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were a bunch of events we were going to interact with

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He already has some preliminary designs that he could rework for our purposes pretty easily

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] those were just a few examples

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Are you going back to meet with him again?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You don’t read the quests

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Really

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were going to be others

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL NO

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, I think I’m going to get everything wrapped up while I’m here

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh, you’re still up there?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Arent you supposed to

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What are we supposed to be doing, though?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how are you getting online?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOT REALLY YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE QUEST

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got a really sweet gaming setup here

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that’s what I’m trying to figure out

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh nice.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] wait, blackfuse?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they haven’t made it very clear

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Wouldn’t we have to be trying to preserve history, if it’s based on the Caverns of Time

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got this whole underground headquarters under the mountains with computer equipment like you wouldn’t believe

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] we don’t know if that’s what they’re going for, though

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT WOULD BE PRETTY WEIRD OTHERWISE

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s him

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] blackfuse as in HELIX blackfuse?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that would be pretty damn lame if they try to build an expansion out of us going back in time and changing history

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Goodness, a subterranean lair within which all manner of unspeakable endeavors might secretly be pursued? What -will- they think of next.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I agree pwn but you never know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wtf

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You’d be surprised.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know him?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] dammit this thing cheats

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] If we change history though wouldn’t that undo what our characters are doing now

[MargoLane] whispered: fyi, your friends are idiots

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you’re hiring him?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you just nod off the last few minutes and miss the whole conversation?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see that’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out, red

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yes, I’m hiring him

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, I’m not sure what they’re going to do either way

[Guild][MargoLane] it’s okay, guys, we’ll try some more tomorrow

You whispered to [MargoLane]: you need to be more specific

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] because if we change history, how do they get around undoing everything that’s happened since

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: boss, you really really don’t want to

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok thanks

[Guild][MargoLane] read those links i gave you

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] One word of advice, boss, try not to let him talk you into a payment plan

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: for real

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] unless they set it up somehow so that changing the past doesn’t change the present

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] The interest is where they really get you.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And then what would even be the point

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: And I don’t want to, because…?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] right exactly

[Guild][MargoLane] meanwhile i think i’m going to log

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] All I’m gonna say about this, for the last time

[MargoLane] whispered: lol

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then also if we go back and have to change things

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know he’s probably rolling out some really impressive-looking tech, and he’s definitely crazy smart, but believe me, you don’t want to get mixed up with him

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well they only change because we went back, right?

[Guild][MargoLane] i need a drink

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Right

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] k bye margo

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] is FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then we get back to the present and we don’t have a reason to go back anymore

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] and thanks

[MargoLane] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so we don’t go back

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and then things happen the way they did originally because we weren’t there

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Right, see, I’m still waiting on the WHY part of all this

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and so now we DO need to go back

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: because he’s not just crazy smart

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and in that case, aren’t we just getting ourselves stuck in a loop?

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s CRAZY

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THIS IS GETTING REALLY DEEP

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait wut

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] where we just keep going around over and over having to redo the same things

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Yeah, well, look, inventors are supposed to be a little eccentric

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] um

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It is Honalee but I think it’s pretty interesting

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: The whole mad scientist type

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] just to keep time from breaking apart or whatever

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey that sounds familiar somehow

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] all right then. check please.

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] do you rememeber that doc

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: You’ve got a little dose of that yourself, I’ll have you know

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh crap he logged

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YOUR PROBABLY THINKING ABOUT THIS WAY TOO MUCH

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea I probably am

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh geez ut are you going on about that again

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well well, it appears that the wonder twins are back.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: garrosh I’m serious

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean steve

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Which means it is, as the ogre would say, time for fun.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean I guess they can do what they want, it’s not like it’s real life

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Uh oh, here we go.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Still it would be nice if they tried to have it make sense

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, don’t hold your breath on that from the look of this

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know you don’t usually listen to me about policy decisions and yeah it’s not really my area, but just this time please listen to me

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, I guess we’ll see

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] ANYHOW I NEED TO GO

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah gil i told you before

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude what’s up with you about this guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] it really happened like i said

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SEE EVERYONE SOON

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Bye Honalee

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] later puff

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: What, did he wrinkle one of your damn comic books or something?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, are you two done with your training scenarios? You completed them triumphantly and have your shiny new name badges, I trust?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh and one other feature they were talking about

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s not stable

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Um, have you not seen the people I’ve got surrounding me

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no, it didn’t go so good

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I guess at endgame you get to go back to ancient egypt and build your own pyramid

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: no no no I don’t mean like neurotic unstable

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and gather followers there

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, I see.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] That doesn’t sound very much like preserving the integrity of history

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez, just what I need

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s a shame.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: blackfuse is brilliant but he’s honest-to-physics DANGEROUS

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yea it kind asucks

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol yea i know

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Like I don’t have a hard enough time dealing with my student minions already

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] could be interesting, though

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Now I get to deal with more?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You see, gentlemen, I was so hoping that you might earn your name tags and by so doing settle the nagging question that has vexed us lo these many months.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, I bet they’re going to base it on the teacher mechanic, too

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: back in kezan even gallywix knew to give him a wide berth

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] like the way you give assignments

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, don’t remind me. I’m trying to give out my daily homework now

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait what?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no no, see we need to get a high score to pass, now a low one

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Having to do it all individually is a huge pain

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t think that’s what she means gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I don’t know why they don’t just set it up so I can click on my teacher desk or something and hand out all the assignments at once

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not to intrude on your gameplay, Warchief

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well what do you think it is

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude, Gallywix gives EVERYONE a wide berth

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But I believe there’s an addon you can use for those assignments.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t know

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I don’t know

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol jinx

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Have you not seen him? Motherfucker is huge, in a not-tall way

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] something about a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, yea, it would be convenient if you could click on a table and do it that way

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yea but what question?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I use it, normally

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well thats a question

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I bet that would get pretty tedious after a few weeks though

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah that’s A question but i don’t think it’s THE question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I just don’t have any of my usual addons since I’m not on my own computer here

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: wait

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] whats the difference

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, I see.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] donty you idiot

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re not on your laptop?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] one’s with a and one’s with the

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] duh

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: No

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would imagine that would leave you feeling a bit out of sorts.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: how are you online then?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so um

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I told you, I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I’m on his computer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, very well, gentlemen, i’ll spare you your coy maneuvering and lay my cards on the table.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: um…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait we’re playing cards?

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: so I’ve been saying…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i thought this was EO

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re logged onto…

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: frak

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The pertinent question to which I allude is, of course, the ongoing mystery of which of you is Dontrag, and which one is Utvoch.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay sorry to be abrupt everybody but I really need to log off

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait that’s still a mystery?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like right right now

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Later, Spaz

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit ut did you lose the letter from overlord cliffwalker again

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ll talk to everyone later

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I hope

You have logged off.

 

So yeah, not to be rude to you folks, too, but I need to wrap this up fast. I’ve got hacking to do. Like, a lot of it. Pronto. Time is money!

And…survival!

CLICK!

 

They might be giants

org13

So, I think we can safely say that Earth Online raiding probably isn’t going to be a reliable way to relax and blow off steam. Which is kind of weird, seeing as how you’d THINK it would help you destress to hop online and run around killing things in virtual reality… except that you still wind up having to deal with people who make you want to log off and run around killing things in REALITY reality. Go figure.

I tried talking to Ben-Lin a little, but not being a gamer herself, I don’t think she gets it. She kept asking me variations of “Why do you devote so much time to an activity that you clearly do not enjoy?” I mean…seriously. You might as well ask that about LIFE. I would’ve figured a freaking COUNSELOR wouldn’t be so out of touch. Oh well.

Anyhow. This morning I managed to clear out some time to go over a few reports from Pandaria. Looks like, since the fall of the Thunder King, the Zandalari influence down there has dropped off a ton. They’re not gone altogether, but their numbers have taken a big dive. Not sure if that’s because our people put just that hard a beating on them the last few months, or if they’re decided to high-tail it to greener pastures now that their thunder buddy’s taking a (hopefully permanent, but who the fuck knows these days?) dirt nap. Either way, I’m not going to complain. Fewer trolls around is never a bad thing.

Still, with the Zandalari mostly cleared out, this might be an opportunity to dip into some of the resources they had going for them. Case in point – as Grottee “Green Tirion” Metalbeard brought up in his mailbag letter recently (you know, the letter so frigging massive it had its own fucking gravity well) – these Zandalari fuckers had mounts and minions that were GIANT FUCKING DINOSAURS.

DINOSAURS, MOTHERFUCKER. YIPPEE-KI-YAY.

Now, mind you, a whole shitload of those dinosaurs got killed off when Ponytail and his helpers were rolling over the Zandas, because why would anybody ever fucking think ahead, right? Luckily, I hear tell there’s still a pretty massive supply of them a ways north of the Pandaria mainland on this island called the Isle of Giants. Which, I mean… “Isle of Giants”? Seems a little on the nose to me, but then again, I commissioned a warship named Hellscream’s Fist, so I guess I’m not one to talk.

Anyway, point being, this could be a major asset for us, so I’m sending word to General Nazgrim in Domination Point that I want him to send a scouting detail up to the Isle and size up how things look. Lingering Zanda presence, prospective dinos, size and scope, all that good stuff. For right now, I’m going to have him send a small, reliable unit for recon purposes only. In the meantime, I’m going to operate under the assumption that he’s going to bring back good news – because when was that EVER a bad assumption to make around here? – and get some Kor’kron beastmasters lined up to go with me when I head back to Pandaria in a couple weeks.

More soon.