Tag Archives: khizzara
Identity crisis
So, I got a comment from Khizzara on that last mailbag that kind of got me thinking. See, she looked at the picture Sarlin sent with her letter about running into Dontrag and Utvoch in Ashenvale, and how it looks like they have their names floating over their heads, which they actually DON’T and it just looked that way because Sarlin did some kind of thingy-whatsy with the picture after the fact. Which is kind of a dumb thing not to recognize right off, especially from someone like Khizzara who’s supposed to be a mage and smart and stuff, but maybe her int buff isn’t working or some shit. Or maybe Spazzle just got the brains in the family. Whatever.
Anyhow, though, that comment got me thinking about how handy it would be if those two DID have their names hovering over their heads, because let’s face it, Khizzara DOES have a point about how nobody can tell the Wonder Twins apart. And granted, in my case, that’s at least partly due to me not really giving a shit, but still. It’ll save at least a couple headaches.
I figured I’d see about getting some actual return on my investment in all these mage lessons Shayari’s been getting from Faranell over in the Undercity, so I gave her a new project to work on: casting a glamor spell (she liked the sound of that a lot more before I spelled out what I meant) on Dontrag and Utvoch that actually WOULD make their names float over their heads. Turns out, that kind of a spell wasn’t even all that complicated to put together.
Hold your horses. You know what usually happens around here when something looks like smooth sailing.
So Shay tried her spell out yesterday, and at first everything seemed to be going fine. “Dontrag” hovering over Dontrag (I think), “Utvoch” hovering over Utvoch (I believe), and, so far as the spell was to be believed, 70% less confusion about which of those idiots was which, and a residual 30% reduction in how much I needed to smack them around. Which I know is a lot less than the 70%, but come on, they’re still dumb and annoying, right? NO JURY WOULD CONVICT ME.
So that seemed to be going fine. But then, after a little while, the spell started going haywire. As in, it kept putting the names over Dumb and Dumber’s heads, but it started switching them around — putting “Dontrag” over Utvoch and “Utvoch” over Dontrag. Now, mind you, I didn’t really notice this myself right away, largely because recognizing the problem would require me to care enough about which of them is which, and I mean, if I could just LOOK at those two and know who was D and who was U, I wouldn’t NEED the damn glamor in the first place, right? But at one point while Shay was tinkering with the spell, Taktani bounced by, and don’t ask me how but she always seems to be able to keep those two idiots straight. I don’t know, she’s a cat most of the time, so maybe her kitty-sense tingles or something. Point is, the names started switching around. Why, I don’t know. Maybe Shay forgot to cross some T’s and dot some I’s setting up the spell. Maybe the sheer AURA OF FAILURE that surrounds those two is so potent that it even makes magic break down after a while. Maybe they’re just so damn indistinguishable that even the UNIVERSE ITSELF gets confused eventually, magic or no. Don’t ask me, I just work here.
Thing is, that wasn’t even the worst of it. Because, see, obviously the glamor was visible to EVERYONE, right? So the Wonder Twins themselves could read each other’s arcane name tags, but then, when the spell started going wonky and mixing them up, THE IDIOTS THEMSELVES started getting all distressed and confused and thinking THEY had it wrong, and maybe they weren’t really who they thought they were. And this led to like an hour and a half of Dontrag worrying that he might actually be Utvoch, and Utvoch getting an ulcer thinking he’s been living a lie when he should have been Dontrag, until finally I had to bonk their damn heads together to shut them up because who needs to to listen to that shit.
So while they were out cold, I had Shay lift the damn spell. It’s just not fucking worth it if it’s not even going to work half the time, and just gives those two one more thing to yammer about. Hell, who the fuck would have guessed that one little would-be hocus-pocus convenience would result in a pair of blithering mental defectives having a full-on existential crisis?
So yeah. Back to the drawing board. Moving on.
More soon.
Monday mailbag
Okay, time to dip back into the mail and see what you peeps have on your minds these days. Getting right to it…
It has recently come to my attention that you have been…cavorting with trolls. Considering your political stance on trolls, this would do some great damage to your position as Warchief if this should get out. So perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement. A hundred thousand gold, delivered by your most resourceful grunts, to Razor Hill at sundown in three days’ time. Or this photo is released to the press!
*enclosed is a very incriminating photo of Garrosh getting a little…personal with an unnamed troll woman*
–A Humble Peon
Wait, what?
Hang on, hang on, are you talking about Zuri? Getting a lapdance now and then counts as “cavorting” these days? Um. Assuming I was getting lapdances. Which I was not by any means. At all. That, um, that photo you’ve got there is an obvious Photoshop job. Bad one at that. Yeah. So.
SO. More importantly. TRYING TO EXTORT THE WARCHIEF, huh? Oh, yeah, THAT’S a real smart move. Especially when you pretty much TELL me where you are. So, RAZOR HILL, is it? Well then, not-so-Humble Peon, I hope you have a nice window in your room to look out of, and a nice comfy chair you can sit back in, so you can watch the arrival of ALL THE KOR’KRON who are about to be CRAWLING ALL THE FUCK OVER RAZOR HILL starting, oh, I don’t know, TEN MINUTES AGO. We already had a few security questions down there, so you know what? Thank you, motherfucker, for giving me a reason to start tightening things up down there for real.
SEE YOU SOON, DEAD MAN WALKING.
As I write this, Mogor and I are wandering around Orgrimmar, getting a good look at the city. It’s a strange feeling to be back among my mother’s people, especially since I expected prejudice and judgement but have faced none. Mogor insisted we try out riding the local wolves, but there’s a reason ogres never took to riding, especially on wolfback. The sight of that clumsy fool trying to get on a wolf’s back and falling off the other side is one I shall long relish.
I wasn’t expecting to write another letter so soon, but given that a certain goblin saw fit to cast aspersions on my intentions regarding your daughter… well, best to clear up any doubts if we’re going to be working together closely on an ongoing basis, yes?
While I do have to admit that your daughter strikes me as a pretty little spitfire, I highly doubt she would want someone like me – even if I were the handsomest orc in the Horde, she probably already thinks I’m past my prime (you did notice my greying hair, didn’t you?) I do believe there was a time when I might have pursued her romantically – maybe back in the days before the rise of the Horde when peace existed between orcs and draenei. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen any indication that she has the slightest interest in men, at least in that way. If anything, you may want to check if her interests go in… another direction.
The real reason I keep asking about her is that… well, there are two, actually. 1) I’m curious. I can’t help wondering if she knows anything about my father and what happened to him, or if any of the draenei from her village know who I am and the plight she and I faced. 2) I had hoped to tell her right from the off to be brave, because she is not alone. She is a child of two worlds and two people; so am I. And unlike Garona Halforcen, I do not resent her. I thought it would be best to say that sooner rather than later.
Besides, my taste in women has broadened since I became a leader of ogres. By which I mean, while ogre women are rare indeed… suffice it to say, my dear Garrosh, I have personal experience that they do. There are certain perks to being in charge. You know how it is.
I hope your opinion of me hasn’t been permanently poisoned. If you need any further proof of my good intentions, I can make an offer of that kind to Garona Halforcen myself. It would be an interesting experience to compare our physiques up-close, and it sounds to me like you could use someone to take her eyes off you.
As for the goblin responsible for those allegations, if she has any further doubts herself, or wishes to further discuss what a “huge complainer” I am… Please, send her along to me. I’d be happy to enlighten her in person. In great detail.
–Lantresor of the Blade
P.S. By the way, a little raven told me that Garona got pregnant by a human sorcerer and ended up giving birth to a boy who was half-human, quarter-orc, quarter-draenei. Is that true? If so, perhaps she’d appreciate baring the child of someone more like herself. Also, the blademasters I mentioned during our meeting have agreed to join up, and will be on their way as soon as they procure suitable transport. I hadn’t expected to work with Azuka Bladefury again after her father kicked me out of the Burning Blade clan, but it seems she didn’t agree with him about my banishment and got kicked out herself for her troubles. She seems amenable enough.
Hey, Lantresor. Good to hear from you, even if I’m little surprised to see you writing, what with us having been talking face to face the last few days. But, whatever works — sometimes it’s good to get your thoughts down on paper, I guess.
Glad you’re getting a good vibe from Orgrimmar. As you probably realized once you got to spend some time with yours truly, us orcs are usually pretty chill. As long as you’re not pissing us off. Or looking at us funny. Somehow I want to make a Jorin Deadeye joke here, but I’m not really coming up with anything specific. Oh well. You probably see where I would be going with it.
Heh. See. Unlike Jorin. Heheh. Fucker.
Anyway.
Dude, seriously, you wanna have a go at Garona? Be my guest. Have at it, man. One less thing for me to worry about. Believe me, I’ve had enough conversations with her that I would steer clear personally, but if that’s your thing, go right ahead, you do you. And hey, you know, since the two of you are both half-orc and half-draenei, wouldn’t it be kind of a hoot if you DID have some kids, and the halves from the both of you lined up so the kids came out either all orc or all draenei? Math is crazy, man.
So look, as far as Shayari goes, I know you’d be pretty old for her, but let’s be real here. The world is packed full of creepy old dudes who would not think twice about chasing after some PYT that caught their eye. SHE might not be interested in guys their age, but that sure as hell doesn’t stop THEM from trying. You know what DOES stop them? When Shay whips up a pyroblast to the crotch. There’ve been a lot of those around Orgrimmar since she’s been in town, let me tell you. Which is fine by me — it saves me the trouble of having to track the old fuckers down myself and opening up a family-sized can of agonizing pain on them.
But I mean, come on. “You may want to check if her interests go in another direction”? First of all, dude, there is no possible way for an out-of-the-blue conversation like that NOT to be thirty-three flavors of awkward. And second of all, why — WHY? — would you want to go planting THOSE mental images in people’s heads, for fuck’s sake? Seriously, I have ENOUGH trouble sometimes keeping Gurtash focused, without…
…
Never mind.
…
Moving on. Next letter.
I Mogor the Ogre. Mogor the other leader of Burning Skull. Mogor on his way around big orc city with Lantresor. You don’t know Mogor? That okay; Mogor only learned about you four-and-a-half weeks ago.
Mogor give you the short version of Mogor’s story. First Cho’Gall found Mogor and grabbed him by back of neck. Cho’Gall took Mogor to scary orc in hood. Scary orc in hood cast spell on Mogor, made Mogor grow new head. Mogor’s new head argued with Mogor’s old head. Mogor very confused. Scary orc in hood scoffed, called Mogor a “failure”. Cho’Gall throw Mogor away, but Mogor found orc clan, called themselves Laughing Skull. Then Mogor lived with clan and learned magic from Elements. In the end, Mogor rule clan.
Ner’Zhul tried to kill Mogor for stealing death knights, but Mogor survived that. Then funny pinkskins who called themselves “the Allianz” came to Orc-world, and Mogor gave them magic book as thanks for helping beat up Bonechewer Clan. Portals almost destroyed Orc-world, but Mogor survived. Then at arena in Na’Grand, stupid people kept killing Mogor, but Mogor always came back. Elements help Mogor, keep bringing Mogor back to life everytime Mogor die. Mogor not know why, but Elements say Mogor has important task to do for them. Mogor not get it, but that okay.
Mogor not expect to lead ogres again, but Laughing Skull went to work for red orcs. Red ogres are stupid. Mogor not join them. Anyway, Mogor listening to Elements to pass time on way ’round big orc city. Elements not happy. They say somebodies torturing them in caves under city, trying to conquer them. You know ’bout this? Mogor hear that orcs here Elements too, but not sure. Mogor hope so. Elements want Mogor to go down into caves and bash somebodies treating them bad. Mogor want to, but Lantresor keep saying “No.” He always saying “No.” He look at Mogor like Mogor is stupid and know nothing. Mogor not care. Lantresor can’t hear Elements. He not know they suffering. Mogor want to go down there. Mogor want to make somebodies stop torturing Elements.
Mogor sit down now. Heads hurt from writing.
–Mogor the Ogre
Oh. Good. So now I’m hearing from THIS one, too. I’m starting to wonder if Lantresor and Mogor are going to turn into a smarter version of Dontrag and Utvoch. Only I think there’s a pretty decent chance people will be able to keep Lantresor and Mogor straight. The fact that they have a different number of heads helps a lot.
Anyhow. Um. Look, Mogor, you should be listening to Lantresor, okay? Lantresor has the right idea: No. He’s clearly the brains of the operation anyway, and he’s got a much better idea of how things work in orc cities like Orgrimmar. I know all about the caves, and believe me, I’ve got people ON the situation as we speak. And it’s sensitive enough down there, what with the shaman trying to do their thing, and now I’ve got Mokvar down there trying to juggle like five things at once, and the last thing we need is an ogre running around like a kodo in a china shop. So just COOL it, okay? Remember, you and Lantresor were the ones who approached ME about signing on with the Horde, and I’m the Warchief, so your job here is to listen to what I’m telling you and let me worry about what we need to do down there.
Okay? Got that? Are we good?
Ugh. Ogres.
I have a question concerning Shayari. I’m an admirer of her fashion sense, especially that adorable adventurer number she was sporting during your recent journey to Blackrock Spire. Do you know if she has a particular vendor she frequents for her outfits? I realize this might be a better question to ask her directly, but I would imagine you might have an idea, since… well… you’re the one receiving the bills.
–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City
Yes. Yes I am. And based on the bills, Tandeleina, her favorite shop is ALL OF THEM. Like all of them, ever. Literally ever. Like when she arrives at a trade district, near as I can figure, her very presence must open up some kind of ripple in the fabric of time and space so she can stroll right on into shops that closed for good like three years ago, and then I get a backdated receipt charging interest.
So if you want to shop where Shay shops, I’ve got good news for you. You can’t NOT shop where Shay shops. Go ahead, pick a store. Any one you want. She’s been there. You can’t miss. It’s the surest sure thing that ever sured.
Perhaps you remember me, though I’d hardly doubt by name. After all, you’re the mighty wolf of an obedient pack. We hear your words, but do you always hear ours, your loyal and most valiant soldiers? Well, that remains to be seen.
My name is Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker, though most would simply know me as “Sarlin” or even “Sarls”, although I respectfully request that you refrain from using the latter. It’s quite improper and, to be frank, greatly annoys me. My mother put her heart and soul into the name she bestowed upon me, and to abbreviate it not once, but twice, and to “Sarls” at that? No good. Anyway.
Moving on.
I’m a Paladin of the Argent Crusade, former captain for the Farstriders of Silvermoon. Should you wish to respond, please mail your letter back to Hearthglen, my current home.
I was one of the many heroes that came to the aid of the Alliance, Horde, Argent Crusade, Knights of the Ebon Blade and, at long last, the Ashen Verdict, when our hated enemy, Arthas Menethil, held the mantle of the dreaded Lich King. Before I enlist my queries, I would like to extend my thanks for a fine and noble effort. Your Horde underwent great strain to break through those cursed halls, and I wish to pass on (though delayed) my condolences for the loss of Dranosh Saurfang. May his soul find redemption with the elements, and live as far from the cursed plane of death as it possibly can. Moreover, if you happen to cross paths with Varok Saurfang, be sure to pass forward my gratitude for persistence and valour. I could not imagine fighting a war, knowing that my only child roamed the halls in death as all he stood against in life. Dark days, good warrior. Very dark days indeed.
But I digress! No, I have some questions for you, regarding your blog and other certain topics. First of all, wonderful effort! Who knew that you’d actually be able to get Sylvanas Windrunner, the BANSHEE QUEEN, to use the “^_^” emoji! And to see that even Sargeras himself has found his way here, from the Twisting Nether!? Very impressive. This may give us some insight on his plans, too. After all, we have our bows drawn towards the sky should the Burning Legion descend. In fact, I have two questions on the matter. One, how the fuck did the leader of the Burning-fucking-Legion secure a stable connection up there, and two, does he not know that internet routers can be traced and followed up? By the Light, he might as well wave a flag back and forth, set off a bunch of fireworks and say “This is where I live! Key’s under the mat!”
MOVING ON.
No, if I may raise a query on a more, ah, personal matter, regarding your daughter, Shayari. Yes, the word has found Hearthglen, if you would believe it. From what I’ve heard, Shayari is a young, diligent and rather rambunctious half-orc-half-draenei. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Prissy Blood Elf with more concern for my shampoo type than my people. No, actually. You see, I was raised, for the first few years of my life, among the Night Elves of Teldrassil by a Night Elf priestess and as a beacon of sunlight in a land composed entirely of stars and dusk, I can very much sympathize with how she must be feeling, previously a Silver Covenant magus and resident of the proud city of Dalaran, and now standing amongst the righteous soldiers of the Horde in Orgrimmar. Quite frankly, Warchief, I’m still coming to terms with her, ah, existence. After all, if I expected you to have a child at all, I never would have imagined its mother being a Draenei. Tell me, who does she resemble more closely, you or her mother? It would undoubtedly be easier for her if she had the more prominent features of her father but her appearance, alone, is but a fraction of the battle ahead. There is still the matter of adapting to her new surroundings. Forgive me, Orgrimmar isn’t quite as, hmm, shall we say “luxurious” or, really, if I’m going to be honest, quite as habitable as the likes of a pristine, welcoming Dalaran. Perhaps the plains of Mulgore or my own beloved homeland, Quel’Thalas, would be a more suitable home for the youngling? Has she seen the Undercity already? If so, I’m sorry. Dreadful place. I’d be inclined to feel pity for the fallen ranger, Sylvanas Windrunner, for having a constant party of orcs watch over her. In truth, it’s the poor orcs I pity. Sometimes I wonder why the Alliance is so desperate to take back Lordaeron, as though it were a prized gem. They’d have months, if not years, YEARS, of cleaning up after Sylvanas’s mess. And I do NOT mean that metaphorically, my good sir, oh no! I’m talking about the LITERAL mess of bones and sinew and stitched up body parts and dead humans and rusted tools of torture and blood-stained racks and murloc gizzards and infested deer tails, not to mention the gory aftermath of an alchemy lesson gone wrong with the jaws, arm and possibly eyeballs of the students strewn crudely across the floor with the mass of bubbling, toxic residue as said failed experiment among them. This is nothing against the Banshee Queen’s efforts towards the resources of your Horde, of course, but my word, is she a destructive one! To think her very own alchemists would perform their vile tests on not only the dead, but the living!? Did they not learn their lesson from Arthas? I tell you, my friend, she continues to surprise me even now! As though the events of the Wrathgate were not shockingly humiliating for the Horde as it was, but to spread the plague against your will in an effort to win a city that’s been walled up for years, only to be betrayed AGAIN and shot dead!? Oh, Light preserve our souls! It makes NO SENSE, I tell you!
Ahem. Anyway, as I was saying…
Yes, Shayari! Among the information that has reached me here regarding your daughter is, I believe, still in her teens. Now, as one of the soldiers who outlasted Arthas’s reign in Northrend, I think you’ll be quite surprised to hear that I doubt I am more than five years older than your daughter. At least, that’s how I feel. See, as I was adopted quite late into my toddlerhood, my age has always been a mystery to me. I’m just going by what the mirror, and my head, tells me. And here is where I state my query; does Shayari have much trouble fitting in? Does she have any peers, or anybody she likes to hang around with and talk about cute girly things, like clothes and makeup and the latest hits from our own Tauren Chieftains? Does she get lonely? Moreover, is there anyone she’d like to hang out with?
If this is the case, I would like to, most humbly, offer you, and of course, Shayari, my company. It would be an honour to stand in the presence of a great Horde leader, and a great Horde soldier in the making. I presume, anyway. After all, I know little of Shayari, save that she is your daughter and a mage. If the matter needs no further discussion, however, you’d do well to remember my offer should it ever come to question. I aim only to assist those in need, be they Alliance, Horde, or otherwise.
One last question for you, sir, and I’ll finish up. My inkpot is almost empty, anyway.
What’s the deal with lemon squares?
Shorel’aran, noble Warchief. Always have faith.
–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker
…
Holy shit.
YOUR INKPOT IS ALMOST EMPTY INDEED.
Sarlin, do you happen to be related to Tirion? Or maybe Grottee Metalbeard? Because this letter is like the two of them hooked up and gave birth to THIS LETTER.
Oh, and you guys wanna know the irony here? I mainly know Sarlin here from Twitter. Which means every other time she’s had something to say to me, she’s been limited to 140 characters. I GUESS THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE FUCKING GLOVES ARE OFF. Fucking hell.
So, okay, answers in no particular order:
The deal with the lemon squares is that lemon squares are fucking AWESOME. Where the hell have you been? I’ve always been a big fan of lemon squares, ever since Greatmother used to make them for me as a kid. But also, if you’re really, REALLY late to the party, well, back when I first started the blog, this troublemaking tree druid somehow got ahold of Greatmother’s recipe, then went and blabbed it on her own website. Which didn’t sit well with me. There was this whole to-do with me trying to get the situation under control, and I think the recipe is still out there, but eh, fuck it, at least now nobody has an excuse for not knowing how to make a decent tray.
About Sargeras… who the hell knows how he’s able to get stable internet up there in the Nether. I’d like to know who he’s got working on that, though — it’s a fuckton better than the wireless network Grizzle Gearslip slapped together for me down in Pandaria. That’s a pretty good call, too, about tracing the signal. Might have to get Spazzle on that. Have him do…you know… some nerdy thing that he knows how to do that I don’t really give a fuck about.
And as for Shay… well, I mean, look at her. Obviously she takes after her mother more. She has a few physical differences from a typical draenei, but she definitely looks a lot more draenei than she does orc. And she’s seventeen, yeah. And yeah, she’s been to the Undercity — funny you’d mention the alchemists down there, seeing as the REASON she goes to Undercity, on a pretty regular basis, in fact, is to see the master apothecary down there, who’s kind of in charge of continuing her mage training. In her down time, I’m not sure what’s going on with her as far as friends go. I think she’s been hanging out with Taktani a little, which, I mean, don’t ask me to explain that one, but I guess they ARE pretty close age-wise. Even if Shay’s…like…a good decade older than Tak as far as MENTAL age goes. But whatever.
As for giving her someone else to hang out with, I mean, sure, but I’m not really the one to ask. You’re free to try reaching out to her yourself, and…I guess…ask her on a friend-date or something? Or whatever the hell you kids do these days? But either way, yeah, probably better to ask her yourself.
And ACTUALLY, since like… EVERYBODY seems to have questions about Shayari these days, you know what? Here. I’ll LET you ask her yourself. Bonus mailbag, coming up pronto, where I’ll get Shay to answer your questions personally. Will that satisfy you people? There. Have at it. Go nuts. I’ll be the one sitting in the back chuckling while she tries to deal with you people.
I’m out for now. More soon.
[TRANSLATION, and COMING ATTRACTIONS TEASE: As the Warchief promised, this month will feature a bonus, GUEST mailbag, in which Shayari answers your letters. Shay’s guest mailbag will take place on Monday, September 21. Send your letters to garrosh1337@gmail.com or use the form below. Please indicate in the subject line or body of the message that it’s a letter for Shayari, just to make sure I don’t mix it up with a question for Garrosh. Speaking of whom, don’t forget the next mailbag coming from Garrosh himself, on Monday, October 5! Get your letters in for that one, too!]
The cost of doing business
So, some of you might remember the other day when Lantresor of the Blade wrote to me saying – among other things – that he was coming up to Orgrimmar to see about signing on with the Horde. Seemed like a pretty good deal, what with Lantresor being a major badass by all accounts, plus him being pretty much the head honcho of a clan of ogres. Which, yeah, maybe not the deepest thinkers in the world, but for real, have you seen some of the hired help I’ve already got on staff? I have Dontrag and Utvoch on payroll. I’ve got no business throwing stones.
Anyhow, I got Marogg the infantry chef to whip up a welcoming dinner for Lantresor and his crew, but we kind of overshot a little. See, when Lantresor sent his letter, he mentioned forming a new “Burning Skull” ogre clan, and wanting to sign on… then he said he got that Mogor ogre dude to port “us” to what I’m guessing was Ratchet (where, if epic limericks are to be believed, there once was a goblin from)… and that “we” would arrive in Grommash Hold soon.
And see, that’s great and all. Problem was, “us” and “we” didn’t give me much of an idea of how many people “us” and “we” were, and based on everything else Lantresor was saying, as far as I knew, dude was gonna roll up on Orgrimmar with his whole damn ogre clan. And seriously, have you ever tried feeding a bunch of ogres? Pro tip: don’t. Trust me. I’ve been to Brackenwall Village a bunch of times to see Draz’Zilb. You know why the place always looks so run down? Because motherfuckers don’t have time to fix shit when motherfuckers gotta spend their whole day scraping up enough food to cover their daily requirement of 20,000 calories a head. Including a bunch of dudes who’ve got more than one head.
Anyway, point is, I had some indeterminate-sized ogre contingent rolling on into town, and I knew I was going to have to FEED these stupid assholes, because, you know, I’m not going to be fucking RUDE. (Greatmother didn’t raise no ungracious hosts. My heretofore unboxed ears would not survive.) So I had to have Marogg err on the side of safety and crank out enough grub to feed a small army of ogres. Which… let me tell you, that’s not gonna be a fun line item to see in next month’s budget report. I might have to get some slaughterhouses up and running just to offset the dent this puts in the meat supply. Maybe in the Barrens. Seems like we’ve got some spare real estate out there. Anyhow, I digress.
Bottom line, Marogg pulled in a bunch of culinary personnel to help – I even got our ol’ pal Ji Lunchbox and some of his panda buddies chipping in on this – and managed to whip up enough eats to cover our bases. And so, who shows up?
Lantresor and Mogor.
The end. THAT was the fucking “we.” Lantresor and his double-headed, half-brained plus-fucking-one.
FUCKED OVER ONCE AGAIN BY AMBIGUOUS PRONOUN ANTECEDENTS. SEE? SEE? IMPRECISE GRAMMAR CAN COST A SMALL FORTUNE. STAY IN FUCKING SCHOOL, KIDS.
Um. I mean “fucking school” as in… like… you know… just school. Not school for fucking. Because for one thing, I mean, I get enough hate mail as it is, without advocating THAT certificate program. And for another, not for nothing, but it would be kind of a futile teaching exercise. Either you got it or you don’t. Sorry, nerds.
MOVING ON.
Anyway, point is, we massively overshot there, so, you know, if you happen to be in the Orgrimmar neck of the woods, and you like Kickin’ Chimaerok Chops, well, I’ve got leftovers. Like… a LOT of leftovers. Like make-the-week-after-Pilgrim’s-Bounty-look-like-fucking-NOTHING kind of leftovers. And the faster they get eaten, the sooner I can relieve the frost mages I’ve got on duty round the clock keeping the shit from spoiling. And MAN OH MAN, you can practically HEAR Ji high-tailing it over here with a fork and knife in hand, can’t you?
So where was I? Oh. Yeah. Lantresor.
So yeah, the initial meeting went pretty well. I don’t know if either of us knew what to make of the other at first, but after a little while we started exchanging stories about ways we’ve each messed with Jorin Deadeye, and that broke the ice right quick. We still have some odds and ends to work out, but it looks like Lantresor and his crew are going to come on board, which is only going to help shore up defenses on a bunch of different fronts. Plus, Lantresor apparently knows a handful of blademasters from the old Burning Blade clan who are still hiding out in Outland, and he seems pretty confident he could bring them over as well. So, a lot of potential win going on.
The only awkward part has been how Lantresor kept asking about Shayari. And, um, you know… after Khizzara turned on the warning lights on that one, just to be safe, I made sure Shay was out of town when Lantresor was due to arrive. By… well… sending her off on a shopping trip. Which… seemed like a decent enough idea at the time. Until she got home with a fucking kodo carrying the stuff she bought. Including the kodo. This one’s gonna leave a mark, I can tell.
Meanwhile, Lantresor keeps asking after Shay. I may just have to bite the cannonball and try to get Garona over here.
I’m getting too old for this shit.
More soon.
Monday mailbag
Time to dip back into the ol’ mailbag. Let’s see what we’ve got this time around…
Firstly, I thank you for accepting Grimjaw into the Kor’kron fold, and hope he will serve you well; secondly, my apologies for the depressive content of my letters – it was not my intention to “bring the room down”.
Instead, I will share some good news with you: my son has taken to training as a warrior and will be ready to take his Om’riggor – his rite of passage – next year, and my daughter has taken to learning the shamanic arts. I have high hopes for both of them.
Also, there’s something I think you should hear, Warchief. Another of my wolves – Golmash, I call him, after your grandfather, whose legend is known even to me – has a black pelt and a set of eerie green eyes. And I don’t mean in the dark, slimy green of a swamp so much as a strange, otherworldly glare. I didn’t think anything of it the first time I noticed, but since then I’ve been feeling strangely ill-at-ease whenever he looks at me. I did some research into the nature of these eyes and what I’ve found… is both confusing and disturbing.
On one hand, the eye colour is not unique or unnatural (so far as anyone can tell); on the other hand, only one particular wolf dynasty has ever had them, and rarely so. This dynasty, dubbed “moonwolf”, lived in Shadowmoon Valley until the arrival of the Legion and the corruption of the land that ensued, and the last known scion of this lineage was Skychaser, the companion of Ner’zhul. The fate of the fallen Great Shaman is well-known, but no one knows what happened to his wolf.
I have never had any encounter with that particular lineage, and so far as I can tell, Golmash is strictly of Frostwolf and Nagrandeur descent; thus, the cause of his haunting eyes remains a mystery. How should I proceed from here, Warchief? I am loathe to create a problem where there is none, but something in my gut tells me sinister things are afoot.
Yours faithfully,
–Ogunaro Wolfrunner, Kennel Master
Hey again, Ogunaro. Grimjaw’s gotten settled in over at the Kor’kron stables. I’ve been over to have a look at him, and he IS a pretty fine looking wolf. Like I mentioned last time, I’ve got something in mind for him, but it’s going to be a little bit before I get that going. The timing is kind of up in the air for the time being, but hopefully things will fall into place soon. I’ll keep you updated as things go.
As for this mystery wolf of yours (appreciate the shout-out to Golmash, by the way… well, unless it turns out there’s something seriously fishy going on with him, in which case, gee, thanks for dragging my grandfather into it)… that does sound pretty weird. I can’t say I’ve run into any glowy green-eyed wolves myself, and I’ve ridden more than my share over the years. Still, I don’t want to start running around cooking up crazy stories and conspiracy theories, especially when you sound like you’ve got a good sense of the line this wolf came from. So for right now, what I’d recommend is keeping a close watch on him and maybe keep him apart from your other wolves when you’re not able to monitor them. Is there anything strange about his behavior? How does he get along with the other wolves? Or with you, for that matter? Anything you’ve noticed about him that’s different from most wolves, OTHER than the green eyes?
This is definitely worth monitoring, but I don’t want to start panicking straight away. The Ner’zhul connection is creepy as fuck, but I also don’t put a lot of stock in ghost stories. Unless the ghost in question is one of those bankers down at the Undercity, because funny enough, those dudes actually DO come up with some pretty good stock tips. FYI.
Grats on your kids coming along with their training, by the way. Are they working with anyone in the military trainee program, or has it been individual class training so far? I’ve got a bunch of trainees studying under me, but then you probably already knew that if you read the blog. Your son’s coming up on his om’riggor next year, huh? He must be pretty advanced at this point, in that case. I’m hoping some of mine will be ready for the rite before too long, but right now that’s pretty dependent on…well, a bunch of things. No need to belabor ’em with you. I’m sure you know the drill. Next year would be pretty nice, though.
Anyway, I’ll keep you posted on what’s up with Grimjaw. And the other wolf thing.
It seems serendipity brought me and your little “trainee” together. But I’ll elaborate on that in a moment. First, let me tell you that Boulderfist purchased our computer equipment from a rather enterprising goblin shaman and obtained our Internet as spoils of war from the Shadow Council. How they can be smart enough to create working Internet here on Outland and yet foolish enough to serve the Burning Legion is beyond me, but then there it is. Now about your trainee…
I was naturally curious when several of my ogres came wandering up the hill to me complaining about an outbreak of headaches. As it happens, they had incurred these headaches from being repeatedly smashed in the face (and other places) with a shield by an eager, cheerful little orc girl with a potbelly worthy of a ogre woman (few of them that there are). How fortunate that she isn’t as good at killing ogres as she thinks; I settled for reproaching my men for being stupid enough to let a orcling child knock the stuffing out of them. Some claim the ordeal has left them dumber – but frankly, dear Hellscream, I doubt that very much, and if it has, it hasn’t made that much difference.
At any rate, even allowing for the fact that she didn’t know about our truce, as I discovered when I caught her lurking around the Laughing Skull Ruins watching that brute of a shaman Mogor pounding a group of fledgling Alliance “heroes” into the ground and confronted her, there is a certain principle about truces that has to be upheld – namely, the principle that you don’t attack the people you have a truce with. So when I learned of this Jorin Blackeye or whatever his name was continuing to send adventurers after my ogres, I decided a response was called-for.
We lured him out of Garadar under the pretense of discussing a peace settlement concerning the village of Halaa with the Kurenai Broken, and there I confronted him about his actions. I had hoped to settle things in a reasonable way, but not only did he spout some nonsense about “no forgiveness” and whatnot, he took the time to pass comment about my Burning Blade heritage before he started to walk away. After that… well, it’s very embarassing. He sort of walked right into my blade. Face-first, no less. And my blade brushed against his one good eye. All completely by accident. How very careless of the both of us.
Anyway, given that he was using that eye for no-good purposes, perhaps it is an acceptable casualty. I hear he has not dared show his face in public since then – with an injury like that, I know I wouldn’t – and that his clan are electing a new leader. Hopefully they’ll be more understanding from now on.
By the way, speaking of Mogor, the brute and I have reached an accord: a permanent end to the fighting between our clans and the merging of Boulderfist and Warmaul into a single clan, as it was long ago, under the name Burning Skull (somehow, Laughing Blade just doesn’t have the same ring to it). We’re interested in signing on with your Horde – I admit, I’m curious about meeting another of my own kind, even if she is very different from me, and the contribution I can offer you seems like a fitting gesture.
Mogor has portalled us to a small goblin harbour in the Barrens. We’ll be in Grommash Hold soon to discuss terms.
–Lantresor of the Blade
Okay, you know what? Not going to lie. Not a whole lot registered other than the part about Jorin getting a little what-for. In the face. Jorin Blackeye indeed. Heh. HeheheHAH. HAHAHAHA. Such a dick.
So wait, did you actually get his eye, or JUST graze him, or what? I get that you did some damage, but eyes are tricky territory, and even a little extra flick of the blade one way or the other could… hmm… you know, come to think of it, probably best not to dwell on it. I’ll probably end up hearing through channels soon enough.
So speaking of trainees, you realize that when Mirembe sees your letter, of all the stuff you brought up, all she’s going to notice is the “potbelly” part, right? I can almost hear the letter landing in my inbox now.
Also, eesh, surprise guests. I better have Marogg whip up some food to greet these people with when they get here. I wonder if he still has any of that Darkspear rice sitting around for his jambalaya. Pretty tasty stuff, actually, as long as the rice wasn’t sitting around trollville for too long, in which case you end up getting this weird dizzy feeling if you eat too much of it.
I was perusing this here blog and I noticed the letter you got from Lantresor. Now, readin’ between the lines here I gotta say… it sounds like that is one lonely half-orc-half-draenei dude lookin’ to get all buddy-buddy with the father of the — *looks around nervously and makes a circuit of the room listening for stealthy swoosh sounds* — youngest and most attractive of the only two lady half-orc-half-draenei girls in the world. Which makes me question his motivations, if you hear what I’m sayin’ and know what I mean.
Not that Shayari can’t handle herself or deal with unwanted attention, but… I’m just sayin’…
Also, not for nothin’, but I hear that Lantresor is a huge complainer. An acquaintance of mine worked with him for a while, and all he ever did was whine, whine, whine. “How long are we going to stay here?” And, “I miss the grassy plains of Nagrand!” Oh boo hoo hoo! Drove everyone else bonkers.
Have a good one!
–Khizzara.
Oh, PS: I dropped a buncha flowers off for Gurtash. Wish I could do something more, but as a mage I’d probably only make things worse. And as a goblin, I might uh, make him explode. Kinda counterproductive for the healin’.
Yeah, that Lantresor guy is…
Hang on.
…
<thinks>
…
Oh FUCKING HELL, SERIOUSLY?
I… he… you mean… HOW THE FUCK OLD IS THAT GUY, ANYWAY?
I’m… suddenly feeling a strange craving for dead ogres.
Wait, that would mean giving Jorin the satisfaction. And not for anything, but I refuse to live in a universe where Jorin Blackeye—erm, I mean Deadeye… is validated.
And yet.
Fuck. Rock and a hard place.
HANG ON HANG ON HE’S ON HIS WAY HERE TOO, LIKE SOON AND SHIT.
Dammit. If he’s out cruising for half-orc, half-draenei action… maybe I can pull a bait-and-switch on him? I wonder if Garona’s doing anything this week. I could invite her to attend whatever reception I end up stuck holding for these people and really lay it on thick about how much I’d like her to be there and OH SHIT NEVER MIND THAT’S JUST GOING TO GIVE HER IDEAS.
Fucking hell, this parenting shit isn’t as easy as people make it out to be. UGH.
I apologize for disturbing you, when as your loyal subject it should be my duty to relieve your stresses, not add to them, but I have a delicate question for you. (by the way, could you please appoint us Blood Elves a Regent? I got a rude note from someone calling himself “Bob” saying you had named a Lord Invincible to the post, but I’ve never seen him . . . ?)
Anyhow, I . . . met a girl. Cat. Woman. Druid. Ummm, she’s really really beautiful, and she loves it when I pet her, and she purrs when we take naps in the sunlight, and we love to just stare into each others’ eyes when she’s a cat. Not a small cat, a big black panther. But anyways, I met her as part of trying to research help for my . . . not quite alive condition. She’s with the Cenarion Circle, and I guess they had a grudge against orcs for killing Cenarius, only he’s not dead anymore so that’s ok, I hope. We started spending time together, and slaughtering murlocs, and I found out that when we’re together I can feel my heart beating again. Umm . . . is it ok that she’s a Night Elf? We stay at her cave in Moonglade when I’m not on assignment, so she won’t disturb any members of the Horde.
Hopefully,
–Sintra E’Drien of Silvermoon.
Ps. Shouldn’t Loktar Ogar mean something more like “My Victory, Their Death!”?
I… Hang on, when did this mailbag turn into the fucking Dating Game?
So hold it, Sintra, are you seriously asking me to sign off on you shacking up with a freaking NIGHT ELF? I mean, I already had ENOUGH of a headache just recently dealing with Mokvar’s human chick, and as far as I can gather SHE’S at least his EX-wife, as opposed to whatever the fuck you have going on that’s just in the early magical bloom of insert-your-greeting-card-bullshit-romantic-cliche-here.
And so, on top of the night elf part, she’s a druid, and from the sound of it you spend most of your time together with her in cat form? And you’re still technically dead… and… I don’t even KNOW what the fuck that is, like now you’re just doing the backstroke around a giant cocktail glass loaded up with some spiritsforsaken concoction of bestiality and (reverse?) necrophilia and disloyalty and furry and OMG. I mean the only part of that whole damn part of it that I can sign off on is the whole “slaughtering murlocs” thing, because let’s face it, who’s not down for good wholesome murloc slaughter? Other than the murlocs, I suppose. But who knows, maybe not. I know if I were a murloc, I would fucking hate me.
Hang on, though.
Jog my memory here, Sintra… aren’t you a blood elf chick? Because if so, and she’s… that might…
<thinks>
No. No. Never mind. Sticking with the dead-murloc-lone-highlight position. The end. Turn the page. Ahem.
I’ll be in my bunk.
[Keep those letter coming! Send e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com or use the form below. Next mailbag July 6!]
The Secret Life of Spazzle Fizzletrinket (part 1)
* In case you missed that debacle from MoP beta, here.
[The adventures of Spaz Slade continue tomorrow! Also, a HUGE thank you to Khizzara, who is responsible for the idea of doing a noir comic. (Or, alternatively, if you were rolling your eyes most of the way through this one…um…blame her!)]
Transmogs for Shay!
Time for the fashion show at last! It’s taken me a lot of time to get all the Transmogs for Shay entries sorted out, but I’m finally ready to declare some winners and, more importantly, show off the full gamut of sartorial goodies that many of you have sent my way!
A few preliminaries: Thank you to everyone who submitted entries! It was a lot of fun to pore over your designs (even for someone like me, who has never once transmogged anything, ever) (No, really.) and imagine how they might look on everyone’s new favorite half-draenei girl. Choosing winners was extremely difficult, and honestly, if you wiped my memory and asked me to do it again, I might very well chose different ones — it really was an embarrassment of riches. As such, by the way, I make no guarantees that I won’t dip into more of these outfits if I decide to get ambitious with Shayari’s wardrobe at some point. In fact, I’d say it’s likely that I will. With proper in-blog acknowledgement, of course!
To make the imminent outpouring of fashion more manageable, I’m breaking the outfits down into various categories. Otherwise, the transmogs are listed in the completely arbitrary order that they ended up in the folder I keep for blog images. Apologies if the layout of pictures gets a little messy at times; WordPress doesn’t seem to have the most cooperative editor in the world where these matters are concerned. I’ve included links when available, and tried to link back to the blogs of any other bloggers who submitted entries (please yell at me if I missed you).
And so, with no further ado…on to the transmogs!
N.S.F.G. (Not Safe For Gurtash)
Somehow, I knew this category was going to be necessary. Even though one of the contest criteria was that the outfits needed to be something that could be safely entrusted to Gurtash to draw…well…you know what tends to happen with transmog. Still, I’d decided well in advance that I was going to include all the entries here, so let’s see how some of you sick, sick individuals decided to torment our poor, teenage trainee…
Our first questionable submission comes from Sintra E’Drien, and, well…yeah.
Sintra, don’t say I didn’t warn you if/when Garrosh turns up at your house.
Somehow, I knew someone was going to stick Shay in a bikini. Aliok ended up doing the honors with this number, pointing out rightly that every girl needs a beach outfit, especially with the nice beach near Sen’jin Village. She’s right, of course, but I shudder to imagine what would happen if Gurtash had to draw this…or, for that matter, if Garrosh caught Shayari hanging out with the trolls.
While Aliok was at it, though, she apparently went to the trouble of working up links for an assortment of items compiled by none other than Bob himself. No, really. Aliok writes that Bob informed her, “Dese be for Gurtash so he being practicing his art skills, hahaHA!” Our first offering, such as it is, is for Noblegarden parties:
Next up from Bob, Shay sporting a variation of the dress that I’ve come to think of as the Soridormi gown:]
Next, Bob digs out the Lovely Purple Dress to offer a little “celebrity style“:
And finally, Bob gives us an option for those Winter Veil parties:
Um, yeah, thanks, Aliok. Gurtash says thanks, too. Somewhat less sarcastically. (I know, I know. Fucking troll…)
DRAENEI WITH A BLUE DRESS ON (Color May Vary)
Now for some of the real entries! First up, a look at the assortment of dresses, gowns, and robes that were submitted. Since Shayari is a mage, and somewhat girly to boot, I figured these would be a key part of her wardrobe.
First up, we have this look from Myriade, who describes the outfit as “Shay Goes Garrosh” (note all the skulls and spikes — her father would be proud!). It’s actually an impressive way of infusing the robe with a bloodthirsty vibe that you wouldn’t normally associate with mages, and definitely suits Shay’s background:
Next, a set of gowns and dresses from Kaneka. This first one is built around the Gown of Blaumeux; I especially love the choice of matching staff. Honestly, this look would be a serious contender if I weren’t so utterly intimidated by the thought of trying to draw it, because I know my paltry cartooning skills would fail to do it justice.
Next up from Kaneka, an aerial-themed look built around the Windchaser Robes. Again, great coordination with the staff; maybe a tiny bit N.S.F.G, but whatever, the kid can just deal.
And one more from Kaneka (I would comment on what it’s based on, but I don’t have a link for this one, just the screenshot):
Sintra E’Drien, who was a troublemaker a few entries back, returns with something a little more credible here, and provides a pretty classic mage look:
This outfit from ZugZug, which she describes as “formal attire,” is another outfit that’s maybe possibly slightly N.S.F.G., but I’ll be damned if Shay wouldn’t wear it well:
This outfit from Ritaba, based on the Flirtation Regalia, comes in two forms, one with a robe and one with a vest; Ritaba notes that she prefers the vest, but I’m a bit partial to the robe version myself. Either way, it’s a terrific, understated look, though it’s another one that I worry might lose something in translation (read: simplification) into comic form.
Rinike had posted this transmog previously on her eponymous blog (your homework: go look up “eponymous”), but sent these images along for Shayari’s perusal. I’ll always associate this style of wizard hat/mask with early Cataclysm, Shadowfang Keep especially.
Next up, from Toka, a classic robe that many of us will remember from our Burning Crusade days:
Khizzara, longstanding WCB conspirator, secret identity of warrior-in-training Korrina, and author of Blog of the Treant, offers her “Spellbinder” look, complete with a myriad of angles and close-ups. The halo is a great touch, I think, even if Shay may be a little too much of a stinker to earn one the conventional way…
From Ayalea, we have the Green Wedding Hanbok. (Just don’t tell Garrosh what the dress is supposed to mean…) (Or, maybe tell him, so he’ll know to run like hell if he ever sees Garona coming at him with one of these on…)
This simple but elegant robe from Malauch was a difficult cut. I love the look of it, love the simple but effective use of the red and gold to offset the dark gray, but ended up reluctantly leaving it off the final list mainly due to reservations about how well a heavily-black costume would play in comic form.
Another gown from Malauch, this time drawing on purple and green highlights with a kinda-sorta mock-turtleneck style that you don’t see all that much.
Matakoa of Sugar & Blood brings us a vaguely priest-like look for Shayari:
And, finally, from Repgrind (known in-blog as Giska and Wega) of Reputation Grind fame, a very cool-looking robe that also falls into the “I think I would be afraid to try to draw this” category. (Yes, my artistic cowardice is likely to become an ongoing theme.)
GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE
Before we move on from robes and dresses altogether, I should point out one phenomenon that I noticed while sorting out entries: a few of you have very similar tastes! In particular, there were a handful of entries that all drew on the Astralaan Robe (or a very similar look).
First up, from Kaneka:
Then, Ayalea had the same idea, minus the shoulders and plus a rose:
And, this similar from Aliok…notes with a /sigh that this simple but pretty dress looks more like priest than mage gear:
I really like this look, actually, in all its forms. It occurred to me, though, that if you look at the Astralaan Robe closely, it’s actually very nearly identical to Shayari’s signature blue dress, apart from using a different color palette. As such, as much as I like this look, I felt that it kind of defeats the idea of infusing Shayari’s outfits with some variety. That said…don’t bet against me using this color scheme as a cheap-and-easy way to add a further illusion of variety to Shay’s looks.
THE FOOL THAT MOGGED HER PANTS
Sure, dresses and robes are the signature mage look, but Shay also needs some options that use a vest or other top matched with pants. As some of our wisest sages have noted, after all, nothing better shows your taste than what you wear below your waist.
Our first top-and-pants style outfit comes from Beltrine, who notes that if Shayari worries about Garrosh doubting their relation, she might go with this look to drive the connection home (complete with tusks on her shoulders, and a staff that could pass for an axe):
From ZugZug, her “Ready for Anything” look, which…call me crazy, but if you look at this outfit quickly then turn away, doesn’t it seem like something Michael Jackson might have worn…?
Another entry from Sintra E’Drien, who clearly loves his wizard hats (and who can blame him?):
ZugZug brings us “Battle Mage Shayari“, who’s looking pretty damn badass here, especially with that is-it-a-staff-or-is-it-a-tridenty-kinda-axe that she’s wielding:
Another entry from Toka, who mixes her colors in a way here that makes this outfit look vaguely shaman- or druid-like to me:
From Rakael (the alter ego of old friend Ruekie), we have a suit with a bit of Spanish flair; Rakael notes that Don Carlos’ Famous Hat would finish the ensemble…if it wouldn’t look rather ridiculous in Shay’s case:
Aliok describes this outfit as “semi-formal”, with optional helm, gloves, bracers, shoulders, and cloak in the link, though they’re really not needed for the outfit to stand on its own:
From Ayalea, here’s a possible “work outfit” for Shayari:
This one is the first of a pair from Malauch, in this case providing an obvious case of an item Shay really should have in her wardrobe somewhere: jeans!
Meanwhile, his second entry is a really terrific vest combo, one of the tougher cuts of any of the submissions:
SITUATIONAL AWARENESS
These outfits might never see the light of day (or maybe they might!), but they’re all unified by being very specific looks for very specific situations. Continue on; you’ll get the idea quickly enough.
For instance, in case I ever come up with a story in which our characters go sailing, Toka gives us Pirate Shay:
Aliok, meanwhile, offers this outfit — which Shay could wear in the event she goes to a rave — with the disclaimer that she doesn’t really expect me to draw it, but just wanted to assault my eyeballs. If my eyeballs are going to get assaulted, I’m taking the rest of you people with me, so here we go:
In more practical terms, Aliok also picked out some pajamas for Shayari:
AAAAAAAND THE WINNERS ARE…
And now for the big moment. The winners! As I said earlier, this was a very tough call to make, so in order to make things a little more manageable, I decided to break the three winning entries into three different types of outfit, with the idea being that the whole point of the exercise was to build some variety into Shay’s different looks. So, our winners consist of one dress/robe-type outfit, one pants/vest outfit, and one top/skirt combo. Which leaves us with…
Winner #1: ZugZug, for her “Shay Out and About” combo:
Now, granted, the top here is more than a little N.S.F.G, but in ways that are easy enough to work around for comic-rendering purposes. More importantly, though, I love the fact that this combination works with a clearly distinct set of top and skirt, as opposed to the full-body robe and vest-and-pants alternatives that comprise almost all the clothie outfits you usually see. Also, with spring approaching, this struck me as a great seasonal outfit (especially for Noblegarden…without turning Shay into a Playorc Bunny). The semi-sorta-handbag offhand is just icing on the cake.
Winner #2: From Sintra E’Drien, the winner of the robe/gown category:
As I’ve said, people sent in a ton of great dresses, and I doubt that this will be the only one that will find its way into the blog. But of all the options, this is the one that stood out the most to me. Visually interesting without being overly complicated, elegant, just a terrific caster look. Bonus point for affording me a chance to work some purple into Shay’s wardrobe (think in terms of the potential symbolism of blending red and blue).
Winner #3: From Aliok, in the vest-and-pants category, Shayari’s “barfight” attire:
A change of pace for Shayari that I just couldn’t resist. The jeans and vest strike just the right balance between cool and casual, and as Aliok pointed out in her submission, the brassy hands (and the overall look) give Shay the look of someone ready to trade blows in some rowdy tavern somewhere. And I don’t think it’ll come as a shock to anyone that Shay has her father’s right hook.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Remember when I said how hard it was to make these picks? Well, I’m weaseling out of some of the final decision-making, and handing that responsibility off to YOU, the Warchief’s LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS. I’ve decided to add a fourth winner to the contest — to be determined by all of you! Check out the five candidates below, and vote in the poll at the end of this post!
Finalist #1 – Snow Blossom: Our first contender was submitted by Dragonray from Azerothian Life, who even posted the outfit in a blog entry a few weeks ago:
A little more formal than some other looks, but still simple and classy. Bonus points for the off-hand fan, which will fit in especially nicely if Shayari finds her way to a clothier in Pandaria at some point.
Finalist #2 – My Robe and Wizard Hat: From Sintra, this one is a variation of a similar outfit he’d also submitted, but with a color scheme that I thought suited Shayari a bit better (in general, I think reds and blues suit her a little better than greens):
Besides, you know I had to toss at least one classic wizard hat into the mix.
Finalist #3 – Scarlet Sindorei Robe: From Khizzara, this robe set includes an alternate look using a Replica Magister’s Crown for the head:
Just a beautiful all-around look, as illustrated by some of the close-up detail shows Khizzara provided.
Finalist #4 – Antiquity: Khizzara wasn’t done yet, though, because she still had this gem” in her pocket:
In her submission, Kash (a.k.a. Khiz) noted that most of the pieces in the outfit are pretty optional, as the gown itself can stand on its own. I’m inclined to agree; not only does it work perfectly well as an outfit by itself, but it does so with a style and elegance that you don’t see in many other cloth pieces.
Finalist #5 – Indiana Shay: I knew there was going to be at least one more vest/pants combo in here, and after wavering between a few excellent options, the nod finally went to this outfit from Malauch:
Cool, stylish, and strikes a nice balance between being adventurous enough for Shayari to wear while crawling through some dungeon and being dressy enough for her to keep on for more professional matters back home. Bonus points for the hat (even though I’m not 100% sure it would make it into cartoon form…but I would try!), which makes me feel like Shay must be a secret Harrison Jones fan.
So, those are our candidates! Now it’s time for you to make your voices heard:
Congratulations to all our winners, and thanks once again to everyone who submitted entries to the contest — the response was far greater than I was expecting, and the quality of submissions across the board made it much, much harder to pick my favorites than I was prepared for. But, it’s not over yet — get voting!
[A few final programming notes: A reminder, tomorrow night — Saturday, March 8 — we’ll have having this month’s SoO Meta Raid, starting at approximately 8:00 PM Eastern. As always, everyone is welcome to join in the fun; you can reach me on RealID as Averry#1116. Since Averry is finally, FINALLY on the last stage of his legendary quest, I might try to coerce a few people to hop on a few minutes early to help me fight some Celestials..
More on the way soon, but I’ll toss in a disclaimer now: There are a couple posts coming up that will be very labor intensive to assemble — bear with me while I work on them, and I promise I’ll try to make the wait worthwhile.]
30 Days of Character Development #5: Korrina
[Each week, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players. (See the first profile for more details.) Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about.]
Name: Korrina
Occupation: Horde military trainee, apprentice blacksmith, part-time ore miner
Race: Orc
Class: Warrior (arms)
Age: 15
Group affiliations: Horde (member), Dead Peons Society (a.k.a. “DPS,” member and resident badass)
Known relatives: Thura (mother), Broxigar (great-uncle, deceased), Varok Saurfang (great-uncle), Dranosh Saurfang (second cousin, deceased), Grimfang (second cousin once removed)
First appearance: “Being a role model is a full-time job” (first mention of trainee group), “Dead Peons Society” (first mention of DPS by name), “Buried treasure” (first full, named appearance)
Key posts and plot points:
- Garrosh first took on a group of high-aptitude trainees in “Being a role model is a full-time job,” and the group adopted its name in the eponymous “Dead Peons Society” after an…unfortunate incident involving a lazy and excessively fragile peon. Korrina was part of the group from the beginning, but was not named specifically until the Krasarang Underground arc.
- Along with many of her fellow DPS trainees, Korrina accompanied the Warchief to Pandaria and continued her training there, in part under the guidance of Mag’har blademasters Krimpatul, Burzum, and Ishi.
- Korrina and the other trainees joined Krimpatul on an ill-fated mission to secure the Temple of the Red Crane for the Horde, beginning in “Departures.” In “Fear leads to anger,” Garrosh learned of an Alliance victory at the temple that appeared to claim the lives of the trainees; unknown to the Warchief, Krimpatul led the trainees into hiding in a nearby system of caves, as detailed in “Reports of my demise” parts 1 and 2.
At the urging of Elder Cloudfall, Garrosh traveled to the temple grounds to investigate the trainees’ disappearance. There, after accidentally falling into the underground caverns, he found Korrina and the rest of the DPS, in “Buried treasure.” This post marked Korrina’s first formal appearance in the blog and the first time she’s referenced by name. Garrosh and the trainees eventually made their escape from the caves, though not before Korrina demonstrated her badassery on some unsuspecting saurok. (And she would have put the hurt on Varian, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids Gurtash and Ruekie…)
- For those keeping score at home, DPS members who have been named thus far are Korrina, Gurtash, Ruekie, Giska, and Kulkesh (our main players in the Krasarang story); Ruekie’s twin sister Tuekie; and Lok’osh, who was killed in the saurok cave.
- Korrina is based on the baby arms warrior of long-time WCB co-conspirator Khizzara, author of Blog of the Treant. Many thanks to Khizzara for letting me steal her character, and for her many contributions to her character – including a large portion of the in-character responses that follow!
In his/her own words:
Describe your relationship with your mother or your father. Was it good? Bad? Were you spoiled rotten, ignored? Do you still get along now, or no?
Well, I don’t know who my dad is. My mom never talks about him. I think he was killed in honorable combat like a true orc hero, but his death made mom sad so she doesn’t say much. She doesn’t talk about my greatparents either. They probably died in the 2nd or 3rd war? I’m not sure… I should ask but sooooo awkward!
My mom is pretty cool though. Good in a fight. She’s not as famous as some of my relatives, though…
Mom was a pretty good mom, I guess. She had to go off and fight and stuff when I was small, something about how her axe was super special, and she had to go chop down an important tree or something.
…Okay, I know that sounds lame, but it was harder than it sounds, okay?
Anyway, since my dad is dead, I had to stay in the orphanage while she was gone to war. That happens to everyone, though, so whatev. She’s back now but I’M off at war. I write to her, though, so she won’t worry too much.
What are your most prominent physical features?
My totes awesome purple mohawk!!! And my bulging biceps LOL
Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from. If you don’t have any, is there a reason?
Only ONE!!?? I’m a WARRIOR, I’m MADE of scars! Okay, hmm… Well, most are just nicks and cuts and things, but once, when I was pretty little, I was playing on top of the old bank in Orgrimmar, the one before Warchief Garrosh rebuilt things, and I slipped and fell and landed on the cactus in front of the door! So all these cactus needles went through my left arm and leg and had to be removed, so I have all these evenly spaced circular scars there. It looks pretty cool, actually.
How vain are you? Do you find yourself attractive?
Um… I guess I’m pretty average looking?? I never thought about it much. Looks aren’t important when you’re usually covered in dirt, sweat, and blood, anyway.
Describe your happiest memory.
This is maybe stupid, but once while mom was away my uncle Varok came to visit me at the Org orphanage — well, I guess he was visiting Warchief Thrall, but he spent a whole day with me. He showed me some cool fighting moves and bought me ice cream and a little teddy bear (which I still have, shh!) and let me stay up real late while he told me stories. It was a pretty chilly night (it gets cold in the desert after dark), but I didn’t want him to send me to bed, and orcs are tough, so I didn’t complain. And it was a really clear night, so he pointed out all the major constellations in the night sky, and we watched the Blue Child come up.
What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Color? Song? Flower?
Strawberry. Deep purple (like my hair!). Power of the Horde by the ETC! Twilight jasmine is pretty, and purple too!
Who do you trust?
I trust my fellow DPS with my life. And my captain/Warchief Garrosh. Never go into battle with people you don’t trust.
I also trust my axe, Lizardbane. (I named it that because it’s great for killing saurok!)
Can you define a turning point in your life? Multiples are acceptable.
– When my mom went to war and I had to live at the orphanage
– When I started warrior training
– When I went with the DPS to Pandaria
How are you with technology? Super savvy, or way behind the times? Letters or e-mail?
I’m not a goblin or a nerd, but yeah, I grew up with computers, so I know some tech stuff. Letters or email? LOL it’s not like I’m old and in my 20s or something. I just text or whatev. Unless it needs to be more official, and then it depends on how urgent the message is. Birthday card for Uncle Varok? Snail mail. Homework? E-mail. And if I really need to send a message, I find that AXE to the FACE works pretty well.
What does your bed look like when you wake up? Are the covers off on one side of the bed, are they all curled around a pillow, sprawled everywhere? In what position do you sleep?
I sleep on my side with my hand on Lizardbane. Usually I wrap the blanket all around myself kinda like a cocoon. I don’t need a blanket though. A warrior can sleep anywhere, anytime!
How do you react to temperature changes such as extreme heat and cold?
I endure them without complaint.
Are you an early morning bird or a night owl?
Night owl. Do NOT talk to me before 10 am unless you want an AXE to the FACE.
Are there any blood relatives that you are particularly close with, besides the immediate ones? Cousins, uncles, grandfathers, aunts, etc. Are there any others that you practically consider a blood relative?
I love my Uncle Varok, but I don’t get to see him much. He’s stationed in Northrend. This is going to sound dumb, but I want to be as awesome as he is someday.
My cousin Dranosh was a cool guy, but he was way older than me, so I didn’t know him much. I was sad when he died, though.
I didn’t really meet my uncle Brox.
I guess I’m mostly on my own, but it’s okay because the DPS is like family.
What does you desk/workspace look like? Are you neat or messy?
I keep my weapons and gear neat and tidy because well-maintained gear is gear that keeps you alive! Otherwise… well, just… don’t look in my bags, okay?
Do you have any irrational fears?
I fear failing to protect my friends, but that seems pretty rational to me. I’m also kinda scared of falling off buildings and landing on cactus. Cactuses. Cactusi?
What would your cutie mark be?
Your skull with my axe through it for asking something so stupid.
If you could time travel, where would you go?
Knowing the Bronze Dragonflight, it’s probably a matter of WHEN, not IF. And I doubt I’ll have much choice in the matter of where. But I guess I’d like to see Draenor… the old Draenor, before it shattered. When the orc clans were still brown and strong.
What might your ideal romantic partner be?
I’ve never thought about it. I guess… strong, confident, skilled in combat, smart (no peons please!), tough, loyal, honorable… a real ORC man, you know?
But I dunno, seems like a bad idea to fall in love. Everyone dies young, so you either lose them, or they lose you, and your kids grow up in the orphanage.
Describe your hands. Are they small, long, calloused, smooth, stubby?
Why? That’s kinda creepy. Do you have some hand fetish or something?
They’re strong and wield a big axe. Think about that when you ask questions.
What’s your favorite comfort food, favorite vice, favorite outfit, favorite hot drink, favorite time of year, and favorite holiday?
Pulled pork. Um, what? I don’t think I have any of those. My armor. Hot cocoa! Autumn. Brewfest. Um! I mean! WINTER VEIL. Yes. Winter Veil. >.>
How do you smell? Do you wear perfume or cologne?
…
Strong hands. Big axe. Remember? Get away from me, you creeper!
Besides, I’m standing right in front of you. What are you going to ask next, what I’m wearing? When I’m standing right in front of you?
But come on, I’m a warrior! I wear plate armor and do vigorous physical activity all day. I don’t smell of roses. Idiot.
Previous Profiles:
* * * * *
[A few reminders and announcements! First and foremost, last call for the Transmogs for Shayari contest – today is the last day to send your entries to garrosh1337@gmail.com. I’ve already gotten many great outfits, and will be looking forward to seeing a few more before the day is out.
Along those lines, I’m planning to put together a pretty big post next weekend, showing off the wide range of looks that folks have offered for everyone’s favorite half-draenei girl. (Sorry, Garona. Don’t come after me.) In order to give myself room to put that post together, without derailing the blog’s main continuity too much, I’m also going to skip next week’s 30 Days profile. I’ll have a new profile haphazardly slapped together the following week (or weekend, most likely). Any requests, as far as whom?
And speaking of next weekend, just a reminder that we’ll be having our next installment of the SoO meta raid. As always, all are welcome; as always, feel free to add Averry#1116 on RealID to reach me to come join the fun.
And finally, one more item to look forward to next week: It’s mailbag time! The Warchief is already busy sorting through his mail, but he can always use more. Use the e-mail address above or the handy form below to submit your thoughts and questions before it’s too late!]
30 Days of Character Development #1: Spazzle
[A few weeks ago, Rades and Vidyala over at From Draenor With Love came up with a pretty neat use of the “30 Days of Character Development” meme that’s been floating around. Rades and Vid answered a selection of the questions, in character, in a pair of posts that offered a look at their Azerothian namesakes.
I loved this idea, and so, with a grateful nod and salute to Rades and Vid, I’m going to kick off my own variation. My take is going to be spread the original 30 days over 30 weeks, with one post per week. Each post will highlight one of the supporting (or not-so-supporting) characters in the blog. I’ll include a selection of the original 30 questions, answered, a la R&V, in character, plus an assortment of additional information. Those among you who, like me, grew up poring over comic book compendia like the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe may see a definite influence.
In the process, I think I may be able to give a few entertaining tidbits on some familiar faces, provide new readers (and old) an additional shortcut for getting a sense of who’s who, and also compile a sort of “blog bible” of character information (something I’ve been wanting to get around to for a while, for my own reference).
Every week (I hope!), you can expect to see one of these profiles. While it’s possible that they may end up with a set day, I don’t plan to lock it in quite so tightly; much more likely, I’ll use the profiles to fill out the week’s posts without (hopefully) breaking up the main continuity too much. Feel free to chime in with whom you’d like to see featured! (Yes, Repgrind, I know. We’ll get to Faranell eventually, I promise.)]
Name: Spazzle Fizzletrinket
Occupation: Tech consultant to the Warchief, part-time blogger, Earth Online guild leader
Race: Goblin
Class: Shaman (enhancement)
Age: 27
Group affiliations: Horde (citizen), Bilgewater Cartel (member), Fizzletrinket Technologies (a tech startup that, admittedly, hasn’t been particularly active since the development of the TranslationMaster2000; owner)
Known relatives: Khizzara Whizzingcrank (cousin and blogger namesake)
Earth Online notes: Current guild leader of <Warchief>, appointed by Garrosh while the Warchief is stuck with an unreliable wireless connection in Pandaria. Also administers <Warchief> guild web site. Main toon MrBadCrumble (class unknown). Had attended three straight EarthCons until missing this past year’s, due to being too busy freaking out over one of his friends being killed (this one didn’t take), charged with treason, banished from the Horde, and killed again (this one evidently did).
First appearance: “LOK’TAR OGAR!” (first mention); “Spazzle Speaks” (first guest post)
Key posts and plot points:
- Spazzle first introduced Garrosh to online gaming in “Earth Online”, set him up with a wireless network (which Garrosh historically calls “why fly”) in Grommash Hold in “Doing some gaming…”, and brought him along for a trip to EarthCon (at which Genesis Entertainment revealed their plans for the “Land Down Under” expansion) in “EarthCon.”
- After Garrosh created the Earth Online guild <Warchief>, Spazzle set him up with an addon to save a record of guild chat in “Welcome to [Warchief]”, the blog’s first guild chat log.
- In “Spazzle Speaks: Shamans United!”, Spazzle encounters Thrall on the way to the Echo Isles, where they discover the Kor’kron occupation. After the Echo Isles are freed, Spazzle maintained secret contact with Thrall and Vol’jin, as revealed in “Spazzle Speaks: The Gobin is Always Greener on the Other Side of Guild Chat” and “Spazzle Speaks: Tours of Duty.”
- After being banished from the Horde, but before disappearing to locations unknown, Mokvar met with Spazzle in “Spazzle Speaks: Parting Gifts” to entrust him with custody of his recall totem, a shaman relic connected to the Astral Recall spell. While Spazzle was holding the totem, its elemental energy fizzled out – something that would normally only occur as a result of a shaman’s permanent death. This development is first covered in “The Goblin is Always Greener” and further explored in “Spazzle Speaks: Dead End.”
- As shown in several of the guild chat logs, Spazzle has become one of Ji Firepaw’s closest friends in the Horde since the disappearance of Mokvar.
In his own words:
Describe your relationship with your mother or your father, or both. Was it good? Bad? Were you spoiled rotten, ignored? Do you still get along now, or no?
My father and uncle both died when I was little, in a freak giant-rampaging-robot-gorilla accident. I won’t bore you with the details, we all know how those go. My mom and aunt split a two-family duplex-in-a-box and raised me and my cousin Khizzara together. We weren’t rich, but we weren’t exactly hurting for money after the robot gorilla settlement. So I guess Zzara and I got pretty accustomed to getting the toys we wanted. Maybe spoiled, a little? I didn’t really learn to be too independent until I had to. Mom didn’t make it out of Kezan when the Cataclysm hit.
Who do you trust?
Khizzara – she’s more like a sister to me than a cousin. Mokvar, despite everything. Ji. Thrall. I trust Garrosh and Vol’jin both, in their way, but I think they both have some serious blinders on.
Can you define a turning point in your life? Multiples are acceptable.
Definitely the Cataclysm. I lost my mom, as well as my home back on Kezan. It led to me meeting Thrall, becoming a (fairly crappy) shaman, joining the Horde. And then of course there’s everything that’s come with moving to Orgrimmar and starting to work for Garrosh. So it’s really easy to divide my life into two periods, B.C. (Before Cataclysm) and A.D. (After Deathwing).
How are you with technology? Super savvy, or way behind the times? Letters or e-mail?
Oh man! I’m all about the newest tech. Some days I’ll burn up a whole afternoon, just tinkering around, trying to come up with my own advances. They…usually don’t go completely to spec, but still! I’m generally a lot better with electronics than with machinery – if you’re building a robot, I’m totally the guy to design its brain, but you probably shouldn’t come to me first if you need to install a new arm. E-mail, definitely. My handwriting is pretty terrible because I type so much more than I write by hand.
What’s your desk/workspace look like? Are you neat or messy?
Organized chaos. It looks like a giant mess, with piles of stuff on top of piles of other stuff, but I know what’s in all of the piles.
What would your cutie mark be?
Um… Am I supposed to know what that means?
What’s your favorite comfort food, favorite vice, favorite outfit, favorite hot drink, favorite time of year, and favorite holiday?
The pandaren have these noodles that are really great comfort food, plus they only cost…like…five copper a pack. I don’t know how they turn a profit on them. Favorite vice is probably…I don’t know…wasting waaaaaaaay too much time screwing around on the internet. There isn’t one outfit that I like best, but I’m pretty fond of a bunch of the t-shirts I have. Earl grey tea. Autumn, right when the leaves are starting to turn. Hallow’s End.
If your life were a genre, what would it be?
Definitely a comic book. And that’s even before you figure in the Gurtash factor.
[One last OOC note: The sharp-eyed among you may have noticed that the comic panel excerpted above (featuring Spazzle with Garrosh and Liadrin) doesn’t look familiar. Consider it a preview — Gurtash strikes again in another day or two!]
Cheat Sheet
As promised in my last post, here’s an overview of the state of the blog. I realize that after two years of accumulated in-jokes and storylines, the Command Board may be a bit disorienting to a newcomer (or, for that matter, to a long-time reader who blinked at the wrong time), so I’ve tried to break this down into a semi-sorta-kinda FAQ. Most of this will be familiar to long-time readers (though I’ve also included a few behind-the-scenes notes that some of you might find interesting), but I hope it’ll explain a few things for new arrivals.
I hate Garrosh! Why does Garrosh seem so sympathetic in this blog? Are you one of those Garrosh apologists/fanboys?
Comically enough, I originally started the blog because I really didn’t like Garrosh either, and saw the blog as a way to have a few chuckles mocking him. It wasn’t long, though, before I decided that I would get sick of the outright-mockery approach pretty quickly, so I started branching out. Part of the result was letting blog-Garrosh become (I hope) a bit more multifaceted, while still remaining true to his temperamental self. Including the LOLs.
Ultimately, I don’t set out to justify anything Garrosh does, just to present it in a way that makes sense in light of the character, and if that pushes a black-and-white scenario into some shade of gray, well, that makes for a more interesting story anyway. And, keep in mind, the story here is being told, generally, from Garrosh’s point of view, so I don’t know how that perspective wouldn’t be sympathetic. Everyone is the hero of their own story, after all, and nobody thinks they’re a bad person.
Why isn’t there anything here about the siege of Orgrimmar?
What are you talking about? There was a post titled “The siege of Orgrimmar” a good solid year ago – if anything, shouldn’t you be asking why Blizzard is coming so late to the party? (By the way, I didn’t realize until just now that patch 5.4 was released almost exactly on the one-year anniversary of the “Siege or Orgrimmar” post. How awesomely freaky is that?)
Anyway, to give a real answer: Time-wise, the blog has not yet reached the events of patch 5.4. The storyline is currently playing out the midst of 5.2; Lor’themar Theron and Jaina Proudmoore have recently set up shop on the Isle of Thunder, while Vol’jin is still recovering from his injuries at Shado-Pan Monastery.
This time lag between the game and the blog, by the way, is partly by design. I’d always intended the blog to run a bit behind the game; coming into MoP, I realized that if I tried to follow in-game events too closely, I wouldn’t have time to adapt my own ideas to fit Blizzard’s story. There have already been a few instances in which Blizzard’s story has taken a turn that’s forced me to change gears in a way that would have been disastrous if I didn’t have a month or two of lead time. Of course, I’m clearly more than a month or two behind – that’s been a result of various real-life circumstances slowing down my output over the last few months. I’m working on it!
So the blog basically retells in-game events, from Garrosh’s point of view?
Yes and no. The blog operates within Blizzard’s continuity (with the aforementioned time delay), but also weaves additional storylines in and around the canonical Blizzard plots. Anything that happens or is stated explicitly in-game is canon, obviously, and the blog is bound by it.* That said, I sometimes like to put other stories around Blizzard’s, to give them context that might change the way those events are perceived. (This was a large part of my motivation for the Timequake story leading into Theramore, or, more recently, the blog events surrounding the Divine Bell / Domination Offensive storyline.)
Also, while the point of view is mostly Garrosh’s, there are some posts that present events from other perspectives. Most notable are the “guest” posts by Spazzle (Garrosh’s tech goblin), which help fill in story details that Garrosh wouldn’t necessarily be privy to. You can always identify a post written by someone other than Garrosh by the color of the text – Spazzle’s posts, for instance, are always written in green text, and almost always include the phrase “Spazzle Speaks” in the title. Also, as a rule of thumb, when Spazzle et al post, Garrosh remains oblivious to anything that might be revealed; the conceit at work here is that Garrosh doesn’t really care what anyone else is writing, so he doesn’t bother reading it.
* The one instance that I’ve flat-out fudged in-game details is the way I’ve chosen to incorporate the events of “A Little Patience.” From the Alliance point of view, that scenario takes place almost immediately after Varian arrives in Pandaria; in the blog, I’ve pushed those events a bit later in the story. This was largely a matter of convenience: I knew that I wanted there to be a military operation in Krasarang in which Garrosh’s trainees went missing, and I realized fairly late in the going that “A Little Patience” lent itself to that story pretty readily. Hopefully those Alliance-side readers out there will be willing to turn a blind eye to my blatant and shameless revision. (Horde bias rears its ugly head again! GRR!)
Garrosh has trainees? When did that happen?
Right here! As part of the escalation of the war effort, the Kor’kron started a training program to prepare orc teenagers for eventual military service. When Garrosh learned that Gurtash – an orc boy from the Orgrimmar orphanage whom Garrosh had taken under his wing – had been conscripted, Garrosh volunteered to take Gurtash’s trainee group under his own supervision. (Side note: In my head-canon, Garrosh has a bit of a soft spot for the orphans, being as he is one himself.) The trainees, who have nicknamed themselves the Dead Peons Society (DPS for short) have accompanied Garrosh to Pandaria and joined him on a few adventures. Fairly recently, they went missing after the Horde loss in the “A Little Patience” scenario, and were eventually found by Garrosh, hiding away in an underground system of caves. That’s brought us up to the point where we are now, story-wise: Garrosh and the trainees underground, looking for a way out.
Is the entire supporting cast from within the game?
Mostly, but not entirely. I’ve invented a few characters for the blog – Spazzle being the highest-profile – but I’ve tried to keep it limited, and tried to restrict those characters to fairly peripheral positions in the lore. The one glaring exception was the storyline involving Garrosh’s mother, Lakkara, who isn’t mentioned anywhere in the actual lore. It just struck me as odd that there’s no record of who she was, or what happened to her, and besides, in a mythology packed to capacity with father/son relationships, I thought it was about time somebody’s mom got a little screen time.
Otherwise, when a character turns up who doesn’t exist in-game, that character was often inspired by a reader and/or based on someone’s game character. For instance, both Gurtash and Mortimer (Garrosh’s personal wyvern) became blog characters thanks to mailbag letters from Khizzara from Blog of the Treant; Khizzara’s own namesake has made a few appearances as Spazzle’s cousin; doodle-prone kitty druid Taktani became a full-fledged character (and boy, is she ever a character) after making several mailbag contributions; and many of the DPS trainees are modeled on the baby orc alts of friends.
In general, though, if you see a supporting character turn up whose name you don’t recognize, the smartest first guess is that he or she is based on a questgiver or other NPC somewhere in-game. (Wowpedia is your friend!) I deliberately picked a lot of relatively minor NPCs – people like Mokvar, Elder Cloudfall, and Dontrag and Utvoch – to use as supporting characters because I figured their relatively peripheral status gave me more latitude to work with them, give them backstories, etc. After all, what are the odds that Blizzard would actually do something with one of these people to contradict my own concoctions?
(Either way, if you’re not sure who someone is, I’ve also maintained a partial list of supporting players on the About the Blog page, including some of the more pertinent information about them.)
Speaking of which – in the SoO raid, Mokvar is a mini-boss! Isn’t he missing? How are you going to deal with that?
First… um, yeah, that whole “no way they’re gonna do something with this guy” really blew up in my face on this one, huh?
And second… So, everyone who thought I was going to lay out this big storyline for Mokvar, and make such a production out of his disappearance…and then have it turn out that he really is dead…step forward.
Didn’t think so.
For those of you unclear on Mokvar’s whole story, which has been unfolding gradually for quite a while, you can check here for a brief overview and links to the relevant posts. Very short version: After becoming the victim of a mysterious attack, Mokvar sets out to track down a powerful relic from his warlock days, with the aid of a human named Deliana (who was Mokvar’s Alliance equivalent in the old dungeon set quests); over the course of his quest, he starts to behave increasingly strangely, culminating in his eventual flight from arrest in Orgrimmar. His whereabouts are now unknown.
Stay tuned. You’ll see where this is going!
With Mokvar gone, how are you handling the transcripts?
Prelinimary: The blog contains several transcripts of conversations that Garrosh has engaged in. The premise from the outset has been that Mokvar is (or was) Garrosh’s personal scribe, and records all these conversations for posting. This explains, by the way, a number of occasions when Garrosh mentions summoning Mokvar to an event, or otherwise noting Mokvar’s presence, as a way of leading in to a transcript.
Since Mokvar is off the grid, Garrosh has passed transcription duties to two people: Gurtash, who records his transcripts in the form of comics; and Taktani, a friend of Dontrag and Utvoch and long-time mailbag contributor, who’s started to (and will continue to) write a few transcripts, laden with her own unassuming brand of commentary.
What are these guild chat logs that keep cropping up?
Garrosh and several of the supporting characters play an MMORPG called Earth Online – the basic premise being that, to these characters, Azeroth is reality, and our real world is actually the game world of the MMO. Garrosh started his own guild, called <Warchief>, and several familiar faces (including Spazzle, Sylvanas, Lor’themar, Faranell, Garona, and Dontrag and Utvoch) are members. Also worth noting is that Jaina Proudmoore is a member of the guild…although she doesn’t realize (yet?) who her guildmates are in “real life.”
The guild chat logs recreate some of the exchanges that the members of <Warchief> have within their game, usually including regular guild chat, officer chat, and, in some cases, whispers. I make no pretense about the fact that some aspects of these logs are based on my own guild-chat expeiences, especially officer chat. The transcripts are always presented from the point of view of whoever posted them – usually Garrosh, but occasionally Spazzle.
Where did this whole thing about lemon squares come from?
Garrosh loves lemon squares. Don’t you?
Real explanation: Very early in the blog, Edenvale of The Gamer’s Fridge posted a recipe for Garrosh Hellscream’s lemon squares, and pointed me to her post with a comment on the Command Board. Since then, it’s become a bit of a running gag – the recipe, according to Garrosh, was his greatmother’s secret family recipe, and he was most perturbed that this random night elf had apparently gotten ahold of it.
What does “FYV” mean?
An abbreviation of one of Garrosh’s favorite turns of phrase, of course: “Fuck you, Varian!” Among other things, Garrosh often finds a way to slip that phrase into his EPIC VERSE compositions.
Speaking of which, what’s this “EPIC VERSE”? Garrosh writes poetry?
You sound surprised. Garrosh is an orc of many interests. What, do you think he’s some kind of one-note caricature or something?
Okay, fine, game-Garrosh kind of is.
Honestly, I just got a kick out of the obvious dichotomy of Garrosh Hellscream, gruffest of the gruff, also writing poetry on the side. True to form, Garrosh doesn’t view his compositions as just any poetry, so he prefers to call them EPIC VERSE. In caps. Always. It’s sprinkled throughout the blog – almost always in purple text, to stress its epic-ness – and ranges from limericks, to parodies of other famous poems, to reader requests, to epic rap battles.
So, that’s as much as I can think to cover. Other gaps can probably be filled in through the Major Storylines page, but if there are questions that anyone still has, in terms of getting caught up or clarified, by all means toss them into a comment and I’ll make sure it’s answered. And so, on that note, I’ll sigh off with the promise – unconditional promise! – that before the week is out, you’ll have the continuation of the actual STORY part of the story! Which left off, as you might recall, right here:
The Wizard of Zhan
The curtain rises on the admiral’s quarters in Northwatch Hold, where Garrosh is sitting in a chair, slumped over a central table. Everything appears black-and-white.
After a moment, Garrosh stirs and looks around the room while rubbing his forehead. Stage lights illuminate the far edges of the stage, alternating sides, showing brief glimpses of Orgrimmar in flames, being overrun by demons. The sounds of screaming and demonic laughter can be heard, seemingly at a distance. The lights at the edges of the stage go out. Garrosh stands, and the background noise stops.
GARROSH: Malchezaar… They were able to do it because of Malchezaar…
{UP IN THE NETHER}
GARROSH:
Somewhere up in the nether
In the dark,
There’s a demon “prince,” self-appointed,
Calls himself Malchezaar.Mortimer wanders in and settles near Garrosh as the song continues.
Somewhere up in the nether
Time did break.
You can kill him while he’s up there
But it just won’t take.Some day I’ve got to drag him down
Out of that place and go to town
And stop it.
The Legion hid him in the cracks.
Sometimes he’s got my father’s axe;
I hope he drops it.Somewhere up in the nether
Demons hide.
Prince lurks up in the nether –
It’s long since time he died.If demons get to be revived
Without a timer,
Why oh why can’t I?Garrosh walks to a window and looks out. A stage light illuminates the edge of the stage again, this time revealing the burning ruins of Camp Taurajo.
Garrosh steps back into the room and, slowly at first but with increasing speed and urgency, begins running around the room, knocking over and smashing furniture. Dizzying music fades in as Garrosh continues; he runs around in circles, destroying everything he can reach. The stage lights dim until the room itself fades from view and the only thing visible is Garrosh – running in circles, lashing at his invisible surroundings, moving with increasing speed until he starts to blur into a whirlwind of anger.
The lights slowly come up to show that the Northwatch Hold tower has been replaced by the deck of a goblin sky galleon. The ship is spinning in air, such that the rotation of the ship gradually comes to replace Garrosh’s running; he now stands on the deck as the galleon spins around, tossed in circles by a literal whirlwind.
The lights fade to black while the dizzying music continues – growing louder – then a loud crash is heard. The stage lights come up again, showing the sky galleon wrecked on the ground amid the ruins of Theramore. For the first time, the scene is visible in full color. Garrosh is sprawled out on the ground near the wreckage, unconscious. Mortimer flies in and approaches. He prods Garrosh carefully with one paw; Garrosh stirs and starts to get up.
GARROSH: <rubbing his head with one hand while patting Mortimer with the other> Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, buddy…
Garrosh turns to the wreckage of the galleon and notices a woman’s legs sticking out from under it.
Huh. She’s not okay, though, whoever she is. Was.
Garrosh looks around the ruins, then back to the galleon. As he turns away, several goblins begin to emerge slowly from behind pieces of the ruins.
Hmm… Mortimer, I don’t think we’re in Northgate anymore… Looks like Theramore…so…so that would make HER—
SPAZZLE: <running to the wreckage> The Witch! She’s dead! The Wicked Witch is dead!
More goblins appear and gather closer around the wreckage.
GARROSH: Hang on, the witch? You mean like a mage?
SPAZZLE: Well, it’s kind of a blanket term.
GARROSH: But is THIS one a mage?
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, I get it, she’s dead. What I’m trying to find out is if she’s—
GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: She’s dead!
DYSLIX SILVERGRUB: Dead!
KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH: The Witch is dead!
KHIZZARA: Woot!
GARROSH: Fine, fuck it, I’ll check it out myself.
Garrosh takes hold of the edge of the wreckage and, grunting, lifts it a few feet.
UGH! GROSS!
Garrosh releases the galleon and it crashes back onto the body. One hand is left flopping limply out from under the wreckage; a glowing blue orb falls out of its palm and rolls across the ground.
Definitely Jaina, though. Gotta say, not exactly a glorious way to go out. <chuckles> Oh well. Live on your back, die on your back, right?
The blue sphere rolls further. In a puff of smoke, Liadrin appears in the sphere’s path. She is wearing the paladin Lightsworn robes and has the wings of Avenging Wrath permanently glowing on her back. She leans down and picks up the orb.
LIADRIN: Are you the one who’s slain the Wicked Witch of the East and freed the Mudsprockets?
GARROSH: What, Jaina? Yeah, that was me, I guess.
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: So hang on, who are all you people?
LIADRIN: I am the Good Witch of the North. And the Mudsprockets live here in the marsh.
RAZBO RUSTGEAR: Under the tyrannical reign of the Wicked Witch of the East!
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: Jaina had a tyrannical reign?
SPAZZLE: Well, more like some pretty strict local ordinances on fireworks and explosives.
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: Splodey-ville, here we come!
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: Okay, whatever. You’re happy she’s dead, I’m happy she’s dead, it’s all cool. One less thorn in my side, gotta tell you.
{WHAM, BAM, THE BITCH IS DEAD}
GARROSH:
Wham! Bam! The bitch is dead!
GOBLINS:
Which? Which bitch?
GARROSH:
The Proudmoore bitch!
Wham! Bam! The Proudmoore bitch is dead!
I landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!GOBLINS:
She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!Drazzit Dripvalve approaches wearing a top hat and comically flamboyant ceremonial attire.
DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
As Mayor of dear Mudsprocket,
In the shadow of the Witch’s lair,
I welcome you effusively!GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:
But it must be proved conclusively,
To know…DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
To know?
GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:
That blow…
DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
That blow?
GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:
Has utterly, totally,
KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH:
Not just anecdotally!
RAZBO RUSTGEAR:
Determinately, permanently,
GOBLINS:
Undiminishedly gone and finished her off.
SPAZZLE:
I went ahead and checked her out,
And I can say without a doubt
That she’s not just flatter than most:
She’s totally and truly toast.DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
Then today we’ll fire our rockets!
Celebrating free Mudsprockets!
Now spread the word! Let none neglect!
The Wicked Witch just got shipwrecked!GOBLINS:
Wham! Bam! The Witch is dead!
Which? Which Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Wham! Bam! The Wicked Witch is dead!
He landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.GARROSH:
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!
GOBLINS:
She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!From above, Magatha Grimtotem swoops in, riding her wind serpent Arikara. Cackling maniacally, she casts chain lightning down at the Mudsprockets, who scatter and try to take cover.
GARROSH: What the fuck is SHE doing here?
LIADRIN: It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!
GARROSH: How many fucking Wicked Witches do you people HAVE around here?
LIADRIN: Two—
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
LIADRIN: Well, yes, one now. But this one is even worse than the Wicked Witch of the East ever was.
GARROSH: Preaching to the choir, lady.
Magatha unleashes another burst of chain lightning; Garrosh and Liadrin dive out of the way. Mortimer launches into the air, snarling, and swipes at Arikara.
GARROSH: Yeah! Go get ’em, Mortimer!
Mortimer’s strike knocks Magatha off of Arikara and sends her crashing to the ground. Shrieking, Arikara flies out of view. Magatha gets up and looks at Jaina’s legs poking out from under the wreckage. Mortimer returns to the ground, landing next to Garrosh.
MAGATHA: So it’s true! She’s dead! <looking around hurriedly> Where is it, then? It must be here!
LIADRIN: <holding up the blue sphere> Are you looking for this?
MAGATHA: The Focusing Iris! Yes! Once I combine its power with that of the Doomstone—
LIADRIN: You’ll do nothing of the kind, crone!
MAGATHA: You think I fear you, elf? I’ll take it from you if I have to!
Magatha starts to cast another chain lightning, but is interrupted when Garona – sporting the Fangs of the Father wings – unstealths and stunlocks her.
GARONA: Not so much, Steak Sauce!
GARROSH: So, who’s this supposed to be now?
LIADRIN: She’s the Morally Ambiguous Witch of the South-by-Southeast.
GARONA: Hey.
GARROSH: You people have some really weird fucking job titles, gotta say.
LIADRIN: You slayed the Wicked Witch of the East, so it’s only right that the Focusing Iris should go to you as its caretaker…
Liadrin hands the Iris to Garrosh.
What’s important is that it stays out of the hands of the crone at all cost.
GARROSH: Yeah, don’t worry, I am all about making her life unpleasant…
Arikara swoops by again, startling Garrosh and Liadrin into taking a few steps back; Magatha breaks out of her stun, jumps back, and puts down an earthbind totem that holds the others in place.
MAGATHA: I may need to bide my time for now, but the Iris will be mine yet! And as for you, orc – I’ll get you, my cranky, and your little wyvern, too!
Magatha leaps onto Arikara’s back and takes off.
LIADRIN: She’ll be back. I hope you can handle powerful enemies.
GARROSH: I’ve dealt with worse. Matter of fact, I was working on one just before I wound up here.
LIADRIN: What enemy was that?
GARROSH: A demon called Malchezaar – taking him out wouldn’t even be that big of a deal, but I kind of have to get him out of his lair in order to defeat him.
LIADRIN: Something you would need powerful magic to do?
GARROSH: Probably. Magic not really being my strong suit.
LIADRIN: I may know whose it is. You want to talk to the Wizard of Zhan.
GARROSH: The who now?
LIADRIN: The Wizard of Zhan! He’s a wise, mysterious mage who lives in the Dark Tower far away.
GARROSH: So this guy is pretty powerful?
LIADRIN: Extremely – they say there’s no end to what he can do.
GARONA: Let’s not get carried away now.
GARROSH: You know him?
GARONA: We’ve met.
GARROSH: So how do I get to him?
LIADRIN: The tower of Zhan is far to the east of Dustwallow, in the Pass of Dying Winds. Luckily for you, the eastward Gold Road will take you straight there.
Liadrin points to the yellow brick road beneath their feet.
GARROSH: Well that’s convenient.
GARONA: I can go with you, since I know the Wizard.
LIADRIN: You should get started – it’s a long trip, especially since you’ll be walking.
GARROSH: Screw walking, I’ve got my wyvern right here. I can just hop on and fly along the road.
GARONA: Great! I can get on behind you and hold onto you.
GARROSH: Okay, so walking it is. Grats on the dodged bullet, Mortimer.
GARONA: Fine.
LIADRIN: We’ll see you off! Good luck on your journey!
GARROSH: Hey, actually…you said this road leads right to Zhan?
LIADRIN: Yes, it does.
GARROSH: Even though there’s an ocean between here and there? Because we’re kind of on a different continent.
LIADRIN: Yes, but fortunately the road runs across the Willing Suspension Bridge of Disbelief.
GARROSH: Huh. Okay then. Off we go.
Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer start to follow the road while the Mudsprockets gather behind them.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD}
GOBLINS:
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!The curtains close.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 2…}
