Category Archives: EPIC VERSE

And, if we turn a blind eye to who’s still around canonically…

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

VAROK SAURFANG

VS.

THE LICH KING

BEGIN!

LICH KING:

I find the irony delightful and the arrogance sublime
For you to hope in my domain that you could wield the coldest rhymes.
You’ll learn the meaning of fear now, and the chill of the grave;
Not a soul is going to help you – they’re all trapped in my blade.
Every foe that I defeat is a new minion to employ;
You say you named him Dranosh – do you miss your little boy?
I kill fathers and sons; I’ve already slayed the Younger.
Now it’s dinner time, orc…and Frostmourne hungers.

SAURFANG:

You can save your strangulation, its rotation’s gonna switch,
For it seems that Varok Saurfang’s going to have to choke a lich.
Your runeblade has a name and people tremble while beholding;
You know why they fear my axe? It’s the one Saurfang is holding.
Sucking souls; your own: unneeded. Uther’s warning went unheeded.
You might once have been the heir, but you never once succeeded.
You’re the king of Frozen Thrones, but your chilling’s getting thawed,
’Cause I’m the one both factions turn to when they need to kill a god.

LICH KING:

<channeling a spell>
I’d stay to slay you, orc, but there’re things I need to do.
Falric! Marwyn! Bring me his corpse when you’re through.

[The Lich King summons Falric and Marwyn, then exits up a hallway.]

FALRIC:

By your order, my liege!

MARWYN:

                                             This invader shall fall!

FALRIC:

Now your humble soldiers rise to meet their master’s call.
Your despair is so delicious and your fear exhilarating.
Your reputation might precede you, but it’s textbook overrating.
It’s two against one orc and even you can do the math:
Your fate will be no different – none are spared the master’s wrath.

MARWYN:

When the master ravaged Stratholme we were standing by his side,
And we saw the look Terenas made that moment as he died.
Your rhymes are weak as Silvermoon when master went attacking.
Now we’ve surveyed our enemy, and we have found him lacking.

SAURFANG:

I don’t waste my time on red-shirts but since Arthas had to leave,
Come at me, boys, in double file – now eat my verbal
                                                                  CLEAVE.

While your king walks afar
                                     You others cover and flock
To spar, but I’ll knock ajar
                                         One and another and block – so far
Your knocks may shock on par
                                         To smother and sock and scar
But your talk and mocks won’t mar
                                              The brother of Broxigar.
You took all your best shots but every one of them missed;
You’re getting schooled, children –

[Saurfang cleaves both Falric and Marwyn’s heads off with one swing.]

                                                     Now class is dismissed.

[Saurfang heroic leaps into the next room, where the Lich King is holding Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas Windrunner at bay.]

You don’t get away that easy, no escape from pending loss;
I just took out the trash, so now you’d better be a boss.
Orc dictator, human traitor, “See you later,” what a “hero.”
So you run, “Now we are one,” but when I’m done, you will be zero.

LICH KING:

No questions stay unanswered; you’re the answer to my plans;
For clearly yours are verses greatest of the also-rans —
You know your place, I’ll grant you, rallied by your leader’s pennant:
Such a hero, such a legend, such a permanent lieutenant.
If ambition drove your mission, its commission might unnerve us,
But you’ve cleared the way, and now you’ll stay forever in my service:
Dead, deployed, to destroy, like your son with death to bring:
In the last, when you’ve passed, you will all serve the king.

 

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

Meanwhile, on the Isle of Thunder…

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

LOR’THEMAR THERON

VS.

JAINA PROUDMOORE

BEGIN!

JAINA:

For years I was a dove but now that’s taken a dive;
Fool me once, then shame on you, but fool me twice, you won’t survive.
So I’ve gone on the offensive and I’m finished with forgiving;
You want to battle? Magic words are what I do for a living.
I’ve come a long way since I studied under Antonidas;
I’m still carrying the burdens of the Theramore detritus.
Now it seems you want to fight us; it’ll really just delight us,
’Cause I’ll crush your rhymes so hard you’re best off faking laryngitis.
Now I’ll throw my hands up, tear all my peace-mongering asunder, bring
My Kirin Tor contingent to the doorstep of the Thunder King.
Rhonin read an omen, so he passed me the baton;
Now I’ll purge you from this island like the Horde from Dalaran.
This won’t be pretty, pretty boy, so brace yourself, prepare,
Better cover up your eyes – oh, wait, you’re halfway there.
Don’t know who even sent you, not sure where we met or when,
But you kind of look familiar – tell me, what’s your name again?

LOR’THEMAR:

My name is—

JAINA:

What?

LOR’THEMAR:

My name is—

JAINA:

Who?

LOR’THEMAR:

I’m—

JAINA:

Johnny Awesome, maybe?

LOR’THEMAR:

<glares>
Okay, that’s it, I’ve had enough! That really does it – ladies!

[Scout Captain Elsia and Ellendra Palescorn appear behind Lor’themar.]

LOR’THEMAR:

You can talk a lot of trash, but the man that you’re not naming’s
Gonna serve you up your ass while his fans are all proclaiming that he’s

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         I don’t need an introduction,

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need city reconstruction,

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need Icecrown tissues;
I’ve got twice your regal majesty and half your daddy issues – I’m

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need to lose my calm,
’Cause I’ll drop rhymes on you just like a mana bomb.
Until my ’Reavers are freed, don’t have to heed your screed
Or concede misdeed – know what else I don’t need?

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need color care,
’Cause I don’t need blonde highlights in my blast-bleached hair, and

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need dragon food,
’Cause I don’t need to go reptile when I’m in the mood.

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need a back-up city!
I’ve got rhymes three times as vicious and a face that’s twice as pretty.

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

So keep your prophecy-of-Rhonin shit –
Don’t recognize my name? Neither do I – ’cause you’re not moanin’ it.

JAINA:

I tried my hand with humans, orcs, and elves but that was tragic;
After unbecoming slumming I traded up, Aspect of Magic.
So keep on trying fruitlessly to conjure up a scandal; it’s
No fault of mine a man’s got to be a dragon just to handle it.
I rose by acclamation to the leadership I shoulder;
As for you? You got defaulted – and you’re still just a placeholder.
You’ll always be a punch line, even more when seen in action:
You’re the seventh-string leader of a six-race faction.

LOR’THEMAR:

I took a broken people, rallied them to something greater;
You rose to rule two cities, and they’re both on maps as craters.
You’re the village epic mount, you’re a forty-man raid,
You 180’ed and betrayed your Mary Sue charade –
Because you always played the part of diplomat to the death:
Now you’re a real-life EO Lady Macbeth.
Now I’ll stop Allies on the one side, on the other stage a coup –
’Cause I even fight Horde Warchiefs better than you.

[Taran Zhu flies in on a cloud serpent and jumps in between them.]

TARAN ZHU:

ENOUGH! You’ve all been sparring since you set foot in this land,
And you’ve waged your endless race war, only I can’t understand
If you’re so hell-bent to kill each other with your sword and shield
Why it’s so damn vital that you make my home your battlefield!
There’s been nothing here but trouble since you Horde and Allies came,
And I’m tired of putting up with Lady J and what’s-his-name!
I’m sick of the division; I’ll take no side in this debate –
For I know you Sha-of-Haters are just going to Sha-of-Hate.
Each aggression draws reprisal, vengeance not for the fainthearted, it
Goes on and on in circles – I don’t care who fucking started it!
For years I’ve stood upon the wall to hold back mantid masses;
Now I’ll stand between you till you pull your heads out of your asses.
Awaking Shas of Anger, Hate, and Violence weren’t enough?
Then I’ll leave you with a cup of Sha of Shut the Fuck Up!
That’s it – I’ve wasted too much breath already on you two!
I must go! I’m out, bitches! There’s work I’ve got to do!

[Taran Zhu jumps onto his cloud serpent and flies off, leaving Jaina and Lor’themar staring quizzically.]

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

isleofthunder1

“Lady.” “Lord.”

 

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge returns

quillandpaper

Hello, all! Averry interjecting with a quick announcement that…well…I suppose Garrosh could have covered it himself, but he seems to have his hands full right now. It’s just easier this way.

Anyway! As those of you who’ve taken a cursory look at your calendar may have noticed, today is the first day of April. And as a smaller (but soon to increase!) subset of you are aware, April is National Poetry Month. Now granted, last year I dropped the ball when it came to commemorating the event in the person of one of everyone’s favorite Azerothian poets. (Yes, yes, mea culpa…or, you know, Garrosh culpa. He has a lot of culpa to go around, after all.) This year, though, I’m making sure there will be no such oversights. Besides, the blog has been sorely lacking in EPIC VERSE of late!

For this year’s poetry challenge, I’m dusting off a variety of EPIC VERSE that I slapped together (thanks to your feedback!) the last time Garrosh commemorated National Poetry Month — EPIC VERSE battles! As some of you might recall, ages ago when devilsaurs ruled the Earth, Garrosh unleashed an EPIC VERSE live blog upon an unsuspecting world, which ended up devolving into a rhyming battle between the Warchief and Varian Wrynn. (Because, you see, I actually have no original ideas.) I ended up revisiting the concept again shortly thereafter, and I’ve been wanting to revisit it since then. Well, folks, you’ve dodged that bullet long enough!

So, I’ll be posting a new EPIC VERSE battle EVERY FRIDAY in April — plus one bonus battle on Friday, May 1, because DON’T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE YOU’RE GOING TO GET OUT OF THAT WEEK SO EASILY. The pressure’s not just on me, though, because I’m going to need your help to make this idea work: just like the real Epic Rap Battles, the EPIC VERSE battles will rely on your ideas for matchups! I have a couple of ideas in the works based on suggestions from way back when, but in order to get through the month, I’ll be counting on all of you to offer up suggestions for matchups in your comments. Feel free to play fast and loose with your selections — while blog characters are, of course, welcome candidates, don’t be reluctant to offer up other lore figures who haven’t turned up in the blog in any significant way. Living, dead, retconned beyond recognition… anything goes!

So…start thinking of those ideas, comment away, and as always, thanks for reading and responding and making this whole exercise in lunacy far more fun than it ever should have been. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a word that rhymes with orange.

Be seeing you,

Averry

 

Because you asked for it…

seatofknowledge

Okay, kids, while it’s still National Poetry Month, and I’m still basking in the glow of my GLORIOUS EPIC VERSE VICTORY over Varian (FUCK YOU, VARIAN VOTERS), I figured I’d do a request for another matchup. Credit where it’s due, by the way, you guys really stepped up to the plate with your suggestions in the comments last time.  So, without any further ado…

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

BRANN BRONZEBEARD

VS.

LOREWALKER CHO

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

CHO:

Once upon a time, in a land across the sea,
An under-mountain kingdom was ruled by hammers three;
The youngest Bronzebeard brother wandered off, the world to see —
The great explorer? He looks like a little poser to me.

You travel, sure, around the world, but don’t know what you’re doing;
You chase down leads but hardly have a clue what you’re pursuing.
But I know, “Branbronzan,” and now I’ll be your undoing:
Both our peoples might love beer, but you won’t like what I’ve got brewing.

Now I’m sure you’ll try your rhyming and you’ll throw your sticks and stones,
But you’ll never change the fact you’re a junior Harrison Jones.
You ran around backpacking but you didn’t go to college;
So take some notes here, kid — welcome to my Seat of Knowledge.

BRANN:

I’m sorry, were ye talking? I think I zoned out,
From another long-ass story that nobody cares about.
When people listen to ye, they fall asleep and they drop;
They tune out long before they ever hear yer Aesop.

Ye got this right: I had no time to stay and rule a nation;
No politics for me, exploring was me inclination.
I roamed ’cross every continent and distant destination,
Unearthing Titan clues from Halls of Stone to Origination.

Now me rhymes are all unshackled and me flow’s unchecked,
So if ye want to battle, know ye’re gonna get wrecked.
They’ll be diggin’ up yer fragments when I finish my attack,
’Cause you’re fightin’ Brann now — nobody’s got yer back.

CHO:

You talk a good game, but your knowledge is a flop.
I preside in scholar’s heaven; you’re off working the gift shop.
You say your guild’s Explorer — you sure it’s not Lollipop?
I’ll call you Phase 3 Elegon — that’s how fast you’re gonna drop.

Into the Vaults I led a raiding team of nearly thirty;
I hung back smiling while I let them go get their hands dirty.
I studied mogu secrets while they fended off attackers;
You don’t discover anything unless it’s done ass-backwards.

You trumpet your achievements but I say it’s contradictory;
For all you do is bumble then Jar-Jar your way to victory.
I interpreted the warnings of the Emperor to heed.
Now the writing’s on the wall for you — but I don’t think you can read.

BRANN:

Don’t even try yer braggin’ ’bout yer strollin’ in the Vaults,
Twice now the world damn near blew up and it was all my fault.
I dug up Titan keepers and set loose Old God monstrosities:
There ain’t no trouble too big for my cat-like curiosity.

I dragged my hapless helpers through so many deadly places —
When I triggered that Tribunal, lad, ye shoulda seen their faces.
Oh, sure, they went complaining and they made a big production,
But I don’t think life’s worth livin’ if ye don’t risk world destruction.

Why, even now I’m on the trail of Titan secrets rare;
These tablets indicate a place, I just have to figure where.

CHO:

Wait, where’d you find those tablets?

BRANN:

                                                                 In the Vaults of Mogu’shan.

CHO:

You snuck in there behind us?

BRANN:

                                                      Have we met? Hi, my name’s Brann.

It seems a strange contraptions’s hidden somewhere in the Vale.
I’ll have to work it more, but rest assured I’m on the trail.

CHO:

Another Titan engine?

BRANN:

                                                  Or a prison. Maybe so.
Wait, have ye got Old Gods down here?

CHO:

                                                                Not as far as we know.

But let me see that, junior, let a Lorewalker conduct
A proper study of those texts; the meaning I’ll deduct.
I’ll be the one to find it!

BRANN:

                                                Yeah, grandpa, good luck.

CHO:

Better me; you’ll likely find a way to trip a self-destruct.

BRANN:

Ye know as well as I do: only thing worse than “unknown”
Is finding these devices…and then leaving them alone.

CHO:

’Tis true, the scholar’s impulse: though our helpers are perturbed;
Sometimes you simply must disturb what should not be disturbed.

BRANN:

A hidden button on the wall!  Its purpose — who knows what?
A Titan secret bigger than your furry panda gut.
I’ll bet it holds a secret!

CHO:

                                                  I’ll wager that it’s cursed!

BRANN:

I’m pressing that button!

CHO:

                                                     Not if I get there first!

[Brann and Cho run out in opposite directions.]

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

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EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

Again I ask…

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WHO WON?

 

And, maybe even more importantly…

WHO’S NEXT?

No, really.

Since the live blog seemed to go over pretty well, and we DO still have a couple weeks left of National Poetry Month, I may see about putting together another of these battles before all is said and done…provided you guys are able to keep playing muse and come up with some good matchups! So get commenting!

 

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog

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Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces. You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.

This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.

For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief. Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write. (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)

Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post. At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given. Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out. We’ll just see how it goes. In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page. I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.

Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made. If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.

*  *  *  *  *

Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin. I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling. Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…

Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.

*  *  *  *  *

The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked —
A Noblegarden mission.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.

The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)

The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.

Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.

The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off!  Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might —
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.

They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.

The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.

The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.

EPIC V—

That was weak.

The FUCK? Who the hell is this?!

What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream? I thought you were good at spotting me online now.

Wait, don’t tell me this is—  Hang on.

SPAZZLE!

What’s up, boss?

The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.

That’s it. Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people. That’s a formula for success.

Oh…oh no. Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.

OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER

Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?

What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?

Ugh. It must be that wireless connection you have down there. I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.

Goddammit. Well try to get him out of here, will you? I’ve got a live blog to do.

You mean this exhibition of fail? Hah. I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.

Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.

Actually, you know what? Go ahead and be jealous of that. Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE). And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.

Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—

I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.

—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.

You know what, asshole? YOU’RE ON. Let’s see what you’ve got.

CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!

*  *  *  *  *

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

GARROSH HELLSCREAM

VS.

VARIAN WRYNN

BEGIN!

*  *  *  *  *

Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king! The boss! I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.

I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.

Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet? ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.

You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s

EPIC

fucking

VERSE

<drops mic and walks away like a boss>

*  *  *  *  *

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

 

[Thanks for coming, everyone. More weirdness soon…]

 

Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge revisted

quillandpaper

So, with the calendar about to roll over into April, you know what that means – National Poetry Month!

And you know what National Poetry Month means – Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge!

For those of you who weren’t reading the blog at this time last year…well, first of all, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? But, letting that slide for the moment (but JUST for the moment, so don’t get too comfy), let me explain. Last year, in honor of National Poetry month, I stepped up to the plate to crank out a month’s worth of EPIC VERSE, all inspired by reader suggestions. The poems were kind of a mixed bag – which is to say, they were varying degrees of SPECTACULAR FREAKING GENIUS. Just as you would expect from your Warchief. Locks in Socks seemed to go over pretty well, for one.

Anyway. I want to do another poetry challenge this year to commemorate the month, but I also want to mix it up a little and not just repeat what I did last year. Plus, there’s so much going on around here what with the Alliance and the mogu and the Divine Bell, I don’t know if I can spare the time to set aside two days a week for poetry. BRILLIANT THOUGH IT IS.

So here’s this year’s plan. I’m still going to be offering up some EPIC VERSE drawing on reader suggestions, but this time around, I’m going to go about it a little differently. Hold on to your ass for this one.

Two words: live blogging.

That’s right, I’m going to live blog EPIC VERSE, and you’re all invited to watch it being composed right before your eyes, line by line. Or couplet by couplet…stanza by…oh, fuck it, you’ll get to see it being written incrementally in SOME configuration depending on what I come up with at the time, okay?!

So here’s how this is going to work. Two weeks from today – SUNDAY, APRIL 14 – I’ll put up a post in the early evening to set the stage for the live blog. Everyone will be invited to leave comments on that post with EPIC VERSE suggestions. It could be a topic, a theme, a character you’d like to see, a turn of phrase – anything you can come up with that will give me something to work with and get the ol’ creative juices flowing. Then, at 8 PM EST, I’ll start the live blog, and you’ll be able to see what I come up with as I compose my newest masterpiece live before your eyes, based on at least one, possibly more, of your suggestions.

Remember, save your ideas for the big night – don’t post your suggestions now, because part of the point of it all is to see what I can come up with when I get your ideas dropped on me that night with no time to prepare. Otherwise, though…be thinking of ideas, and clear your schedule on the night of April 14 – EPIC VERSE AWAITS.

 

Don’t say I never gave you anything

epicverse

It’s been a while since I treated you all to a little EPIC VERSE, so here, a little tidbit to help fill the horrible void of your futile lives of not being me:

 

There once was a human whose parryin’
Couldn’t hold back the axe that I’m carryin’;
To flee from a beating
He ran off retreating,
To which I’ll just say: Fuck you, Varian.

 

EPIC VERSE!

 

Oh and hey, don’t forget to vote on Krog’s ongoing investigation in Pandaria — I’ll be sending new orders off to him soon.

 

 

By way of apology

books1

Taking a short break from packing a few things for Nagrand. I was just talking to Eitrigg, and he was pointing out how I got all worked up thinking Varian and Jaina were behind what happened in Demon Fall Canyon, and suggested – fasten your seat belts for this one – that I might want to do something to acknowledge that they really didn’t have anything to do with it. Like…apologize. Which in general I’ve gotta say is a pretty WTF idea, but considering how testy I’ve been the last week or so, I guess it might not be a horrible idea to try to…I don’t know…be a little nice, I guess.

So I’m going to try this very unfamiliar gesture using a fairly familiar form – you guessed it, EPIC VERSE style. Simple, straightforward form, courtesy of Chen Stormstout’s people. Here goes…

 

Falsely accused, true:
Not your fault for a change — still,
Fuck you, Varian.

 

Yeah, I know it kind of took a left turn at the end. I tried. I mean we’re talking about fucking Varian here.

 

Remembrance of the dead

log

You have logged on.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

[Guild][ProfHubert] if we only had a silver piece for every time one of us has said that lol

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Warchief.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Evening, Sylvanas

[Guild][ProfHubert] hello sir

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who’s this guy?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | SylvanasMaster Apothecary Faranell, one of my aides here in the Undercity.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He had asked about the guild while you were busy this week.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Prof

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We didn’t want to bother you with it while you were doing more important things, so we decided to go ahead and invite him.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Welcome to the guild

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hopefully that’s all right with you, Warchief.

[Guild][ProfHubert] thank you sir

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s fine

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You guys can go ahead and invite people if you’re pretty comfortable with them

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re sure about who this guy is, right?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, Prof, based on your name, are you playing the teacher class too?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, sir. I see him in person on a daily basis.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, good

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I want to start being more careful screening people coming into the guild

[Guild][ProfHubert] no, actually this character is a zookeeper

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Of course, sir.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah?  You don’t see too many of those around

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you get my message about the plague?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, sir, this morning. I was actually just passing word on to Faranell to put a halt to any further experiments.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Fortunately we had only just recommenced our tests, as our attempts to work on a new plague had, of course, been shelved for quite some time.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, good

[Guild][ProfHubert] i noticed that yes

[Guild][ProfHubert] all the animals in the game are so mundane, i thought i might be able to find a way to enhance some of the breeds

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I was just too angry for my own good when I gave you the go-ahead for that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But then you probably already realize that

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Understandable, Warchief.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Can you do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert] we’ll find out, won’t we

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Are you dealing with matters a bit better now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m not sure what would count as “better”

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m going to head back to Nagrand in a day or two to spend a little time

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Visit Greatmother, that kind of thing

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Probably wise, indeed.

[Guild][ProfHubert] brb

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Of course in a perfect world I would intercept you-know-who on my way through the Dark Portal

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If I might offer a word of advice, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s that?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | SylvanasYour anger at Magatha Grimtotem is certainly justified, but I would urge you not to let your desire for vengeance to preoccupy your thoughts too greatly.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I know only too well what it’s like to crave revenge against an enemy above all else.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I know all about you and Arthas, Sylvanas

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] With all due respect, Warchief, I truly doubt that you do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But you’re right, insofar as avenging myself on the Lich King occupied nearly my every thought for quite some time.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Worked out for you I’d say

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You got to see him dead

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes. And then I found myself with the minor dilemma of what else to think about.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If I might make a suggestion, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This should be good

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No one would dispute that Magatha’s actions were monstrous, or that her motives were vile. You are right to be angry, and should fate present the opportunity, it is just that she should be called to account. This much is beyond contention.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] In the interim, however, I would merely suggest attempting to focus less on what she took from you, and more on what she unwittingly gave.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck are you talking about, what she gave?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, I’m certain that I do not need to tell you I am no stranger to loss.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard about the story about the Scourge in Quel’thalas a thousand times, Sylvanas

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There is that, yes. Countless numbers of my friends and family died that day.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh  I mean, not to make light, but yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But even before the Scourge invasion…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You may or may not recall my dear sister Alleria, Warchief.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She was part of the Alliance Expedition into Draenor, following the Second War over twenty years ago.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She disappeared there and has not been seen since. Even in all the time since the Horde and Alliance have come to frequent Outland, there has been no sign of her.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She has long since been presumed dead.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, right, I know

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Look, Sylvanas, I’m sorry about your sister, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Let me put it this way, Warchief.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Do you know – do you have even the faintest idea – what I would give to have one more day with her?

[Guild][ProfHubert] dark lady

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Magatha’s deception was odious, Garrosh, beyond question, but Lakkara’s return, though illusory in one important sense, was also very much real.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] From everything I gather, her spirit was not a hallucination, or a glamour, or a fabrication.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It really was her, albeit a spirit and not flesh and blood.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And for several days, you were able to be with your mother again.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You were able to talk with her and hear her respond.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You were able to see her face light up with pride as you showed her the man her boy had grown up to become.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] For all that’s despicable about Magatha’s doings and for all the rightful hatred you feel for her, Warchief, that much was a gift.

[Guild][ProfHubert] sylvanas?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would simply urge you not to lose sight of that.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hmm. Maybe, I guess…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] One moment, Warchief.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Utvoch.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no its dontrag sir

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] but hello sir

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Crap, mixed you up again, sorry

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I even have that mod to try to keep you straight, too

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dont worry about it sir, we get it all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t know what it is with you two

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] guess we just have one of those faces

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um…I can’t actually see your faces here, Dontrag

[ProfHubert] has logged off.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, I’m afraid I need to go for a bit. We have something of a situation here.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] huh thats true

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s going on?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] weird

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’ll update you once I’ve had a chance to check on it myself, Warchief. Perhaps nothing. We shall see.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At any rate, have a good trip to Nagrand if I do not see you again before that.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, Garrosh.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged off.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, thanks, Sylvanas

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And I’m talking to no one

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so whats up sir

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Literally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not a lot, Dontrag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] La la la no one here but me, la la la stuck talking to a moron in /g

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh what the hell

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh ok

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There once was a dwarf from Mudsprocket

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who helped goblins work on their rocket

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He tried to match wits

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] With two orcs, heads o’ shits,

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Until, throwing hands up, cried “O fock it!”

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] EPIC VERSE!

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i don’t get it

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