Category Archives: EPIC VERSE
By way of apology
Taking a short break from packing a few things for Nagrand. I was just talking to Eitrigg, and he was pointing out how I got all worked up thinking Varian and Jaina were behind what happened in Demon Fall Canyon, and suggested – fasten your seat belts for this one – that I might want to do something to acknowledge that they really didn’t have anything to do with it. Like…apologize. Which in general I’ve gotta say is a pretty WTF idea, but considering how testy I’ve been the last week or so, I guess it might not be a horrible idea to try to…I don’t know…be a little nice, I guess.
So I’m going to try this very unfamiliar gesture using a fairly familiar form – you guessed it, EPIC VERSE style. Simple, straightforward form, courtesy of Chen Stormstout’s people. Here goes…
Falsely accused, true:
Not your fault for a change — still,
Fuck you, Varian.
Yeah, I know it kind of took a left turn at the end. I tried. I mean we’re talking about fucking Varian here.
Remembrance of the dead
You have logged on.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
[Guild][ProfHubert] if we only had a silver piece for every time one of us has said that lol
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Warchief.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Evening, Sylvanas
[Guild][ProfHubert] hello sir
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who’s this guy?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Master Apothecary Faranell, one of my aides here in the Undercity.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He had asked about the guild while you were busy this week.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Prof
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We didn’t want to bother you with it while you were doing more important things, so we decided to go ahead and invite him.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Welcome to the guild
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hopefully that’s all right with you, Warchief.
[Guild][ProfHubert] thank you sir
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s fine
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You guys can go ahead and invite people if you’re pretty comfortable with them
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re sure about who this guy is, right?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, Prof, based on your name, are you playing the teacher class too?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, sir. I see him in person on a daily basis.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, good
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I want to start being more careful screening people coming into the guild
[Guild][ProfHubert] no, actually this character is a zookeeper
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Of course, sir.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah? You don’t see too many of those around
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you get my message about the plague?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, sir, this morning. I was actually just passing word on to Faranell to put a halt to any further experiments.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Fortunately we had only just recommenced our tests, as our attempts to work on a new plague had, of course, been shelved for quite some time.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, good
[Guild][ProfHubert] i noticed that yes
[Guild][ProfHubert] all the animals in the game are so mundane, i thought i might be able to find a way to enhance some of the breeds
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I was just too angry for my own good when I gave you the go-ahead for that
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But then you probably already realize that
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Understandable, Warchief.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Can you do that?
[Guild][ProfHubert] we’ll find out, won’t we
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Are you dealing with matters a bit better now?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m not sure what would count as “better”
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m going to head back to Nagrand in a day or two to spend a little time
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Visit Greatmother, that kind of thing
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Probably wise, indeed.
[Guild][ProfHubert] brb
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Of course in a perfect world I would intercept you-know-who on my way through the Dark Portal
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If I might offer a word of advice, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s that?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Your anger at Magatha Grimtotem is certainly justified, but I would urge you not to let your desire for vengeance to preoccupy your thoughts too greatly.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I know only too well what it’s like to crave revenge against an enemy above all else.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I know all about you and Arthas, Sylvanas
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] With all due respect, Warchief, I truly doubt that you do.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But you’re right, insofar as avenging myself on the Lich King occupied nearly my every thought for quite some time.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Worked out for you I’d say
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You got to see him dead
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes. And then I found myself with the minor dilemma of what else to think about.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If I might make a suggestion, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This should be good
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No one would dispute that Magatha’s actions were monstrous, or that her motives were vile. You are right to be angry, and should fate present the opportunity, it is just that she should be called to account. This much is beyond contention.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] In the interim, however, I would merely suggest attempting to focus less on what she took from you, and more on what she unwittingly gave.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck are you talking about, what she gave?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, I’m certain that I do not need to tell you I am no stranger to loss.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard about the story about the Scourge in Quel’thalas a thousand times, Sylvanas
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There is that, yes. Countless numbers of my friends and family died that day.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh I mean, not to make light, but yeah
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But even before the Scourge invasion…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You may or may not recall my dear sister Alleria, Warchief.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She was part of the Alliance Expedition into Draenor, following the Second War over twenty years ago.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She disappeared there and has not been seen since. Even in all the time since the Horde and Alliance have come to frequent Outland, there has been no sign of her.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She has long since been presumed dead.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, right, I know
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Look, Sylvanas, I’m sorry about your sister, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Let me put it this way, Warchief.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Do you know – do you have even the faintest idea – what I would give to have one more day with her?
[Guild][ProfHubert] dark lady
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Magatha’s deception was odious, Garrosh, beyond question, but Lakkara’s return, though illusory in one important sense, was also very much real.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] From everything I gather, her spirit was not a hallucination, or a glamour, or a fabrication.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It really was her, albeit a spirit and not flesh and blood.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And for several days, you were able to be with your mother again.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You were able to talk with her and hear her respond.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You were able to see her face light up with pride as you showed her the man her boy had grown up to become.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] For all that’s despicable about Magatha’s doings and for all the rightful hatred you feel for her, Warchief, that much was a gift.
[Guild][ProfHubert] sylvanas?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would simply urge you not to lose sight of that.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hmm. Maybe, I guess…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] One moment, Warchief.
[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Utvoch.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no its dontrag sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] but hello sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Crap, mixed you up again, sorry
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I even have that mod to try to keep you straight, too
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dont worry about it sir, we get it all the time
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t know what it is with you two
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] guess we just have one of those faces
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um…I can’t actually see your faces here, Dontrag
[ProfHubert] has logged off.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, I’m afraid I need to go for a bit. We have something of a situation here.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] huh thats true
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s going on?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] weird
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’ll update you once I’ve had a chance to check on it myself, Warchief. Perhaps nothing. We shall see.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At any rate, have a good trip to Nagrand if I do not see you again before that.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, Garrosh.
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged off.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, thanks, Sylvanas
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And I’m talking to no one
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so whats up sir
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Literally
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not a lot, Dontrag
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] La la la no one here but me, la la la stuck talking to a moron in /g
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh what the hell
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh ok
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There once was a dwarf from Mudsprocket
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who helped goblins work on their rocket
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He tried to match wits
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] With two orcs, heads o’ shits,
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Until, throwing hands up, cried “O fock it!”
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] EPIC VERSE!
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i don’t get it
You have logged off.
Locks in Socks: Live (Sort of)
A couple weeks ago, when I was in the middle of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge, I had gotten a lot of positive feedback on one poem in particular – Locks in Socks. Personally I don’t see why, it was really mostly a big pile of nonsense, but whatever, I guess you people like that kind of thing. But among my mountains of fan mail there was one offer I just couldn’t turn away. NO NOT GARONA, I’ve been holding her at arm’s length for months now. Sheesh. No, this came from @PixelExecution, from the blog PixelatedExecutioner – an offer to record a live performance of Locks in Socks for me to post here on the Command Board.
Obviously this was too good to pass up, and so, after no small amount of time (and many outtakes that rumor has it might find their way here at some point!), here is the finished product:
Major thanks and huge props to Pix for putting in the time to put this together. Everybody should definitely shoot him a tweet or leave a comment on his blog with some much-deserved praise for this little gem.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
The Tuskarr and the Mortimer
So here it is – the final installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge! Thanks to everyone who participated, whether by giving suggestions for poems, or just coming by to read the latest submissions. And so, without further ado…
The sun was shining on the sea
Beneath the Borean sky;
The waves were waving to and fro,
The crests were cresting high.
And that it was a glorious day
No creature could deny.
To Warsong Hold a zeppelin
Brought Garrosh with his bunch.
He’d come to visit D.E.H.T.A.’s camp
And have a little lunch.
And this was strange, since most of them
He would much rather punch.
But he had come to humor them
And show a little class;
He figured this way it might keep
Lather-on-us off his ass.
So he’d choke down a salad
And, with luck, would not get gas.
So as the Warchief wandered off
To find the D.E.H.T.A base,
He left his wyvern free to fly
And soar at his own pace,
Since frankly it was just as well
He stay clear of that place.
So Mortimer went flying ’round
Exploring as he may,
And came upon a Kalu’ak
Outside of Unu’pe.
The Tuskarr greeted him and said,
“Hail, wyvern! Frabjous day!”
The wyvern landed near; the Tuskarr
Said, “Now let us see –
I feel that in my travels
I could use some company.
So, wyvern, let me ask you,
Would you like to come with me?”
The friendly Mortimer just gave
A nod and then a bark;
He figured that he might as well
Go with him as a lark.
And so away from Unu’pe
The pair did disembark.
The Tuskarr and the Mortimer
Went strolling in a rank,
Across the Geyser Fields and past
Airstrip of Fizzlecrank
(Where Mortimer left for the gnomes
Some droppings as a prank).
Along the northern coast they found
A village, and therein,
A mob of mumbling Murlocs
From the tribe of Winterfin.
The Tuskarr said, “Aha! And so
Our fun can now begin!”
“Hail, Murlocs!” said the Tuskarr
As the Murloc ranks increased.
“Good day!” he said; they gathered
As the village was policed.
“And since we’re friends, good Murlocs,
We’ll make you a quite fine feast!”
The unsuspecting Murlocs beamed.
“Tell me, have you a pot?”
And at the Tuskarr’s question
A great cauldron out was brought.
The Tuskarr set his pack down
And said, “Now, what have I got?”
The Tuskarr opened up his pack
And set aside his hat.
He started to unpack some herbs,
Vegetables, bacon fat.
“Now while the water boils,
Murlocs, let’s have a little chat.”
So Mortimer just sat nearby –
A curious scene, he thought.
The Tuskarr sliced some carrots
And tossed them into the pot.
Some onions, too, and celery,
While all of it grew hot.
“The time has come,” the Tuskarr said,
“To talk of many things:
Of pigs—of guns—of crab fishwives—
Of eggmen and Lich Kings,
Of countless Kael’thas setbacks,
And of why fey dragons sing.”
“Grr-blrrrrgll-grarrrrlllllb,” the Murlocs said;
The Tuskarr said, “Indeed!
Another fine point, Murlocs,
Oh, that I will concede.”
“Brrrr-blarrrrrbgggll,” said the Murlocs;
Mortimer paid little heed.
“Aha!” the Tuskarr said, “It seems
The cooking broth is done!
We’re ready to begin!” But then
He saw he’d have no fun.
For Mortimer already, well,
Had eaten every one.
The Tuskarr grew so very mad
And cried, “You little twerp!”
He hardly could believe his plan
The wyvern would usurp.
And Mortimer just shrugged and then
Let out a little burp.
Thus concludes our charming tale
Of Murloc genocide,
Of wyvern walrus wandering
And fish-man woe betide.
A happier ending I don’t think
I ever could provide.
EPIC VERSE!
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
Aromatic Orgrimmar
Okay, so, there weren’t any suggestions for today’s installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge, so instead, I went back to some of the previous posts and basically yanked together a few different ideas that I hadn’t used yet. Hence today’s installment! Just one left, guys — this Thursday will be the last entry in our April full o’ EPIC VERSE, so I’m counting on you all to dig down deep and give me some good options to work with! Don’t drop the ball here, folks! YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN!
A bastion standing strong in harsh terrain,
The solitary hold of Durotar,
Where all misguided sieges fall in vain:
Behold the shining might of Orgrimmar.
The sights familiar glimmer in our eyes,
And sounds echoing in ears for all to tell,
But in the Spirit Valley, what surprise
To find the touchstone sense would be the smells.
To south, the goblin stench of industry
With Kaja’Cola undercurrents waft;
To north, the pungent herbal potpourri
That trolls with hookahs spew so very oft.
And truly, that’s the scent that takes me back,
To days in Northrend sniffing ’round Zul’Drak.
EPIC VERSE!
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Locks in Socks
Today’s installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – as always, keep those suggestions coming for next time in the comments section!
Locks
Socks
Docks
Brox
Brox on docks.
Locks in socks.
Brox on locks in socks on docks.
Socks on Brox and locks on docks.
Locks in socks on Brox on docks.
Trolls with bowls smoke.
Trolls with poles poke.
Trolls with poles poke bowls till holes broke.
Trolls extol their hole poke goals and
Trolls console their souls, smoke bowls and
Troll patrols troll souls with smoke and
Troll bowl smoke soaks folk who choke.
First I’ll make a troll bowl smoke hole.
Then I’ll make a troll pole poke hole.
You can make a troll bowl smoke hole.
You can make a troll pole poke hole.
And here’s a new goal, Mr. Brox…
Socks on trolls who troll on locks.
Locks on docks steal souls from trolls and
Trolls sans souls put pox on locks.
Now we come to DoTs and HoTs, sir.
DoTs and HoTs go tick and tock, sir.
DoT go tick and HoTs go tock, sir.
Try to say this, Mr. Brox, sir.
DoTs on hawks tick.
HoTs on Brox tock.
Six sick clicks DoT
Six hawk flocks up.
Hawk flocks DoT-up
Shock stalks fel pup.
Fel pup stalks hawk flocks to hell, yup.
Hawk flocks’ yell shocks fel pup locks and
Fel pups smell up dell on walks.
Now you try it, Mr. Brox, sir.
It is time we let you talk, sir.
“Please, sir. I don’t like this game, sir.
I am not this frigging lame, sir.
I get all the trolls and docks, sir,
Mixed up with the souls and socks, sir.
I can’t do it, Mr. Lock, sir.”
I’m so sorry, Mr. Brox, sir.
Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say…
Mean orcs.
Clean forks.
Seen forks?
Green orcs!
Green orcs eat pork meat with clean forks.
Clean orc forks beat sweet pork spleen corks.
Green orcs put clean forks in spleen meat.
Mean orcs put corks in sweet Tweet greet.
“That’s not easy, Mr. Lock, sir.”
Who limps?
Imp limps.
Sly wimp imp limps.
Who stocks sly wimp imps with limps?
Locks in socks stock imps with limps.
Wimp imp limps shock locks in socks while
Locks’ wimp imps stock box of socks.
Sly imps spy on locks in socks and
Spry imps, my, throw rocks at locks.
Limp rocks imp walks, blimp sky high! and
Wimp imp pimps for succubi.
“Hold on, hold on! That was stretching!
Those last few have got me retching!
That last one was rather lewd, sir.
I think you are very rude, sir!”
Sorry, sorry, Mr. Brox, sir.
Let’s continue our nice talk, sir.
Chen comes.
Genn comes.
Chen’s friends, then some.
Chen brings Genn cheer.
Genn brings Chen beer.
Genn mends Chen’s cheer.
Chen blends Genn’s beer.
Chen’s blends.
Genn’s mends.
Chen-blend beer spills.
Genn-mend cheer fills.
Chen’s chums. Genn’s glum.
Chen’s friends bend some.
Chen’s friends bend Genn’s cheer austere and
Genn’s blend tends to clear Chen’s fears.
Chen’s friends! Ten friends!
Mend Genn! When, Genn?
Chen’s ten friends send beer to Rend, sir.
Genn’s glum trend, forfend, the end, sir.
“My poor mouth can’t say that. No, sir.
My poor mouth is much too slow, sir.”
Well, then…let’s relieve your lungs.
I will lift this Curse of Tongues.
Let’s have a little talk about squabblin’ goblins…
What do you know about squabblin’ goblins? Well…
When squabblin’ goblins bicker,
It’s called squabblin’ goblin babble.
And when they babble even quicker,
It’s called squabblin’ goblin gabble babble.
AND when squabblin’ goblins babble during Scrabble in a gabble,
They call it a squabblin’ goblin Scrabble gabble babble.
AND…
When goblins squabble goblins in a Scrabble gabble babble
And the goblin gabble babble is a quibble over Scrabble,
…they call this a squabblin’ goblin Scrabble quibble gabble babble.
AND…
When the goblins have these quibbles over Scrabble when they babble and the goblins scribble gabbles over Scrabble taking “tribbles”…
…they call this a quibble babble tribble gabble squabblin’ Scrabble goblin scribble.
AND…
“Lock in socks, that’s quite enough, sir.
I won’t say this silly stuff, sir.
All this babble hurts my head, sir.
I’ll go back to being dead, sir.”
EPIC VERSE!
(Side note, by the way – I really feel like this poem, and Orc Lemon Squares from the other day, are really screaming out for illustrations. So if any of you are artistically inclined and think you might be interested in helping to enhance your Warchief’s EPIC VERSE to its fullest potential, contact me at garrosh1337@gmail.com. THAT IS AN ORDER.)
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Two for one special
So, needless to say after yesterday’s mailbag, I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. I still plan on making some inspection stops in the Eastern Kingdoms, but the timetable might be spread out a little more than it would have been, what with some other things I need to check up on.
Still, I also definitely need to check on the northern parts of the Eastern Kingdoms, and I’m probably pretty overdue to pay Sylvanas a visit in the Undercity. So with that in mind, here’s today’s installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – two short poems today, one on who’s-his-face, the blood elf leader guy…
There was a blood elf named…whatever,
Who they tell me is noble and clever.
After Kael’thas went loony
And left Silvermoon, he
Installed in his place…um…whoever.
…and one in tribute to one of Sylvanas’…um…colorful citizens.
There was a man named Jeremiah
Who was a Forsaken pariah.
If someone encroaches
On selling cockroaches
They’d best pray for some kind of messiah.
EPIC VERSE!
The Last Stands of Sylvanas
So, a little late, I know, but here it is, this week’s second (belated Thursday) installment of EPIC VERSE in Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge! Featuring the return of everyone’s favorite Argent Gossip Girl, Argent Confessor Paletress. As always, comment away with suggestions and idea for next week’s MASTERPIECES.
Hi again,
Garrosh, friend.
Hope you’re doing fine.
What brings you
Here anew?
I see that you brought wine.
Hold on, now.
I know how
You made me talk last time.
I’m still mad
At how bad
I spilled my guts (in rhyme!).
I refuse!
’Twas with booze
You got me to tell.
Whatcha got?
Jello shots?
Oh, well, what the hell.
* * * * *
The Dark Lady passed through here,
In the Lich King’s final year.
Sought advice
Once or twice
From – guess who – truly yours.
From our talks we grew aware
Of just how much, in fact, we share,
Like our urge
To purge the Scourge.
(And sometimes dress like whores.)
Still her memories recur
Of life as Ranger Windrunner,
When the doom
Of Silvermoon
Left all appearing lost.
Last defender, there she stood;
Fight with her last breath she would.
Pain was fine:
Buy them time
She would at any cost.
There she took her final breath;
They raised a banshee in undeath –
Could not kill
Her iron will:
As strong now as it had been.
Summoned up her fallen brothers,
Lordaeron’s lost souls, and others,
Bore their pain,
Broke their chains,
And hacked the Lich King’s admin.
Years have passed and foes have died,
Fruitlessly Sylvanas tried
To soothe chagrin
For zombie kin
From all the blows they’d taken.
Cursed and scorned and plagued with doubt –
Damn the world that shut them out!
In her care
Her children there
Would never be forsaken.
When at last the Lich King fell,
Banished to the blackest hell,
Off alone
To Frozne Throne
Sylvanas made her trek.
Arthas’ final demise
She would confirm with her own eyes;
And so higher
To the spire
She ventured up to check.
It was true; her foe was gone;
His broken corpse she spat upon,
But the hole
In her soul:
It felt an endless void.
For so long her single thought
Was bringing Menethil to naught;
Now the task
Was done at last
And she was unemployed.
All her past she dwelled upon,
Shining elvish future gone,
Time she slept:
Off she lept
And fell toward deadly spikes.
But before she fell to night,
Self-impaled on saronite,
Near would sing
Val’kyr wings
And stave off the last strike.
Val’kyr visions was she granted,
Of a future disenchanted:
Her adored
By the Horde
Were marshaled out as fodder.
Unprotected, now she’d seen,
Left without their Banshee Queen,
With a haste
Went to waste
Before worgen marauders.
Her Forsaken children, cherished:
She could not leave them to perish.
Made a deal,
And, surreal,
Returned to her unlife.
Bound now to the scheming Val’kyr,
Brought them to her home locale here,
To begin
To watch her kin
And guard them from the strife.
I remember when we spoke,
The elf who bent but never broke,
How she knew
What she’d do
Would carry heavy cost.
For her people to stay whole,
Someone had to pay their soul:
No defers;
’Twould be hers –
It was already lost.
All her elvish life she’d said
She’d fight to wipe out the undead;
Tables turned:
Living spurned:
Now she would forswear it.
No more kindred’s anguished cries;
Not one more, on her watch, dies.
Tortured, pained,
Conscience stained:
For them, she will bear it.
* * * * *
Hey, hold on!
Liquor’s gone?
Then the story’s done!
Go restock;
That would rock.
And then we’ll have more fun.
One last dose,
One last toast
To Sylvanas’ sorrow.
Not undead,
But man, my head:
I’ll pay for this tomorrow.
No, you wag,
No Jaina gag.
No more lurid defection.
(Although, she’d seen
The Banshee Queen
In the Halls of Reflection…)
EPIC VERSE!
Mini-extension?
Just a very quick note about the latest installment in Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge — for those of you who’ve been following religiously (AND THAT WOULD BE ALL OF YOU AMIRITE?), you know that I’ve committed to posting a new EPIC VERSE based on reader requests every Tuesday and Thursday in the month of April.
I’m just making this post to hedge my bets, because holy geez it’s been a hectic day, and I still have a ton that needs to get done tonight (something about a rash of sabotage to the demolishers up by the north gate, and some kind of snafu with the maintenance crew scheduling, and Eitrigg thinking Gallywix has gotten his green little paws into the demo parts requisitions and is skimming something off the top somehow, like WTF), so I may not have enough time to finish up my current MASTERPIECE to post tonight. If not, you can count on it being posted Friday, so rest assured you won’t be missing out on your second EPIC VERSE of the week! YOU CAN BREATHE EASY NOW, YOU CAN KNOCK OFF ALL THE WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.
Orc Lemon Squares
Today’s entry for Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge! This one is inspired by a repeated suggestion from the last few days, involving my Greatmother’s famous (previously secret) recipe, and the meddling tree who publicized it and forced me to institute whole new culinary policies a while back. Remember to make suggestions for next time in your comments!
Edenvale –
She’s a tree.
Edenvale –
Don’t you see?
Edenvale’s a tree,
I see.
Edenvale,
She had a scare –
She saw Garrosh
Over there.
“Oh no! Garrosh!”
Cried the tree.
“Please don’t kill me!
Let me be!
I’m your friend!
Yes! I swear!
Please don’t kill me,
Garrosh-There!”
“Don’t you fret
Your sappy head!
I won’t kill you,”
Garrosh said.
“No? You won’t?”
“Oh no,” he said.
“Or you already
Would be dead!”
“Oh,” she said,
The silly tree.
“Then, what do you want
With me?”
He came closer,
Garrosh-There.
And he said,
“I’m here to share.”
“Here to share,
Garrosh-There?”
“Here to share,”
Said Garrosh-There.
“Are you okay?”
Asked the tree.
“That doesn’t sound like you,”
Said she.
“Yeah, I know.
It kind of sucks.
But I figure,
What the fuck.
Greatmother says
I should share –
I should share
Her lemon squares.
So since Greatmother
Says to share,
I will try,”
Said Garrosh-There.
“So,” he said,
And gave a glare,
“Would you like
Some lemon squares?”
Edenvale looked nervous,
True.
She didn’t know
Quite what to do.
“Oh,” she said,
And held her nose.
“I really don’t want
To impose.”
“No, it’s fine,
They must be eaten.
Here, try one.
Or you’ll get beaten.”
“No, that’s okay,
None for me.”
“What’s the problem,
Stupid tree?”
“Well,” she said
To Garrosh-There.
“Well,” she said,
And looked quite scared.
“I do not like
Orc lemon squares.
I do not like them,
Garrosh-There.”
“Would you like them
Here or there?”
“I would not like them
Here or there.
I would not like them
Anywhere.
I do not like
Orc lemon squares.
I do not like them,
Garrosh-There.”
“Would you like them
In your home?
Would you like them
With a gnome?”
“I would not like them
In my home.
I would not like them
With a gnome.
I do not like them
Here or there.
I do not like them
Anywhere.
I do not like
Orc lemon squares.
I do not like them,
Garrosh-There.”
“Would you eat them
On a boat?
With a Naaru
Or space-goat?”
“I would not eat them
On a boat.
I’d simply give them
To the goat.
I do not want them
In my home.
I will not try them
With a gnome.
I do not want them
Here or there.
I do not want them
Anywhere.
I just don’t like
Orc lemon squares.
I just don’t like them,
Garrosh-There!”
“Would you, could you,
Might, may, will,
Try them up
In Teldrassil?”
“I would not, could not eat them there!
In Teldrassil, or anywhere!
I do not want them on a boat.
I will not share with some space-goat.
I do not want them in my home.
I do not want them with a gnome.
I do not want them here or there,
I do not want them anywhere!
I do not like orc lemon squares!
I do not like them, Garrosh-There!”
“How about
A doggy bag?
Served by Utvoch
And Dontrag?”
“Enough already!”
Cried the tree.
“Garrosh-There,
You let me be!”
“Would you try them
On the moon?
With Cenarius
And Mylune?”
“No, I would not
On the moon!
Even if they brought
Elune!”
“Would you try them,
Just once, ever,
Up amid
The Twisted Nether?”
“No! No! Not in the Nether!
I do not want to try them, ever!
Not in a bag! Not on the moon!
Not with Dontrag or with Mylune!
Not on a boat! Not in my home!
Not with a goat! Not with a gnome!
I will not try them here or there!
I do not want them ANYWHERE!
I do not like orc lemon squares!
I just don’t like them, Garrosh-There!”
“You don’t like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them
And you may.
Try them and you may,
I say.”
“Garrosh, dammit!
Fine, at last.
I’ll try them –
Just get off my ass.
Say…
I like orc lemon squares!
I do! I like them, Garrosh-There!
And I would eat them in my home!
And I would eat them with a gnome!
And I would have them on a boat,
And I would share with a space-goat!
I would eat them to my fill
All the way to Teldrassil!
I would take a doggy bag
(But spare me Utvoch and Dontrag)!
I would eat them on the moon,
With Cenarius and Mylune!
Yes, I will eat them here and there!
Oh, I would eat them anywhere!
I do so love
Orc lemon squares!
Thank you,
Thank you,
Garrosh-There.”
“See, I told you,”
Garrosh said.
“Plus you’re lucky
You’re not dead.”
“They’re so good!
So good, I say!
I might post them!
Yes I may!
I’ll post them on my blog,
I say!”
“Hold on a minute,
Silly tree.
That’s my Greatmother’s
Recipe.
Her recipe,
You silly tree.
We keep it
In the family!”
“But oh, they’re so good,
Garrosh-There!
They’re just too yummy
Not to share!
I’m sure your Greatmother
Won’t care!
I’ll spread her secret
Everywhere!
Now don’t get mad,
Garrosh! Relax!”
But he had gone
To get his axe.
EPIC VERSE!