Monthly Archives: September 2011
Speaking of Sylvanas…
There once was an elf named Sylvanas
Who cried, “Shit! The Scourge are upon us!”
She died fighting and she
Was raised as a banshee
While Scourge swarmed her land like piranhas.
EPIC VERSE!
Monday mailbag
So first of all, thanks to the people who showed their support over my trip to Grom’s monument in Demon Fall Canyon. Also Spazzle was helpful getting the pictures up on the blog, because for some reason he wasted all kinds of timing learning how to do dorky stuff like that while he was tinkering around with all the weird gadgets those goblins keep piling up in the Valley of Spirits.
As one last tribute to the whole experience, I decided to write something up to commemorate my father’s sacrifice and Thrall’s first trip to Nagrand, when he showed me what had really gone down with Mannoroth.
There once was an orc from Nagrand
Who by chance, luckily, was on hand
For the Warchief’s arrival,
With glamors archival,
Fuck you, Varian.
To reveal Grom’s last glorious stand.
EPIC VERSE!
On to this week’s mail.
I was just wondering if I’ve unintentionally done something to cause offense among the other Horde leaders. I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to be receiving summons to any of the summit meetings you hold with the other faction leaders, and for that matter, other than Sylvanas, none of the others have returned any of my messages.
–Lor’themar Theron, Silvermoon City
Wait, who are you again? Lor’themar? Isn’t that the dude Orgrim Doomhammer killed at Blackrock Mountain like forever ago? You’re still alive WTF? Oh wait a minute – Silvermoon, you must be that blood elf leader. Didn’t we kill you after you went all crazy and tried to summon Kil’jaeden and shit? OH HANG ON, you blood elves have a HISTORY of not staying dead, don’t you? Oh fuck, here we go again, we’ve got another blood elf zombie running around. Just what we need. Someone get Saurfang in on this shit before this one goes all Keleseth on us.
You know how much I can be sellin’ dese for? [Warglaive of Azzinoth] [Warglaive of Azzinoth]
–Bob, Echo Isles
Oh geez, here we go again. WELCOME TO FIVE YEARS AGO, idiot. You can’t sell those, moron, because IF you ever got them in the first place, they would have magically bound to you when you took them off Illidan’s corpse, LIKE YOU WERE ONE OF THE ONES WHO KILLED ILLIDAN in the first place! And who cares about those anyway, seeing as we’ve got bigger and better things to be thinking of at this point, because it’s not THREE YEARS AGO! AND BEFORE YOU E-MAIL ME AGAIN, no, you also can’t sell [Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker].
Um, dude, seriously? The poetry blogging thing is totally my deal. Find your own gimmick, will you?
–Sargeras, Twisting Nether
WHY DON’T YOU COME MAKE ME! You heard me! I’m right here, you want to make something of it, come get me!
Yeah, I bet we won’t be hearing from him again. Not for, like, a few years anyway.
Finally, this message arrived in the form of a comment on Spazzle’s post from a few days ago, but I thought it merited a response here:
Dear Warchief,
I am an 8 year old forsaken mage and I have a question for you. Is there honor left in the horde? My friends (also forsaken) all say that there is no honour, only plague, valkrys and undeath. Sylvanus says to believe what you see and she saw only darkness when the bad man godfrey killed her. Please tell me the truth, is there honour in the horde? (even for forsaken?)
–Pluton, undead mage
Honor, Pluton. No matter how dire the battle, never forsake it.
Varok Saurfang taught me that when we served together in Northrend. His words have never left my thoughts, and I think they’re especially fitting here. Your people may call themselves the Forsaken, but it’s not really so. You are not forsaken. Honor does not forsake us. We forsake it…and as long as we don’t, it won’t either.
I’ll be honest with you. I’ve always had my doubts about the undead, and about Sylvanas in particular. I worry that she has her own agenda. I wonder how loyal she truly is to the Horde. Ever since the siege of the Undercity, I’ve had nagging doubts about just how much of Putress’s plan was really going on without her knowing. There’s a reason why I’m keeping a Kor’kron detachment there. (And no, Bragor, I’m still not giving you a three-day pass. Seriously. You can stop with the damn e-mails.)
But I’ll tell you this, too: If you’re finding yourself worrying about whether there’s honor left for you as a Forsaken, then you already have your answer.
Men without honor do not agonize over losing it.
Sylvanas was right about one thing. You do have to trust what you see. I see a Horde made up of races – every one of them – who have endured unspeakable losses, suffered horrifying pain…and carry on, bending but not breaking, holding up their heads the best they can. I see Thrall and Cairne – every day as if they were still in front of my eyes – fighting through burning ruins to save the children of blood elves they’ll never know.
Yes, we Horde have had our share of dishonorable names. But for every Gul’dan, we have an Eitrigg. For every Magatha Grimtotem, there’s a Cairne. And then there’s my father, Grommash…the worst of us, and the greatest of us. He was the first to drink Mannoroth’s demon blood and doom the orcs to slavery…and the one to buy back our freedom with his own life. A reminder for all of us that honor never really leaves us. It only lays dormant until we reclaim what was always ours.
Even for Sylvanas. Somewhere inside that…unscrupulous shell, there’s a elven ranger general who stood alone between the Scourge and the fall of her people, and cut down legions of undead before laying down her life. A spirit so strong that not even the Lich King could break it, so strong that she willed her violated people to the closest semblance of freedom left for them. If that freedom is a pale imitation of living, then it’s also the last, best gift Windrunner had to give, however paltry it may have been. If what Sylvanas has become has cost her her soul – if darkness really is all the awaits her – then that should only magnify her sacrifice…because everything she’s become is the price she willingly paid for her people.
I hope someday she can find some piece of what made her one of the greatest of her kind. I’m just not holding my breath.
UGH…that was hard. HEAD HURTS. Remind me not to do that again. And dammit, did I actually just talk myself into respecting Sylvanas? Crap.
Anyway, I still have to talk about the rest of the Ashenvale stops, plus I’ve got to start getting ready for some more of these inspections. Dammit, I don’t know why I even bother unpacking. More soon.
Spazzle Speaks
What’s up?
Hi all, this is Spazzle Fizzletrinket. I think Garrosh might have mentioned me a time or two; I’m the goblin who’s been helping him with the technical side of running this blog. The Warchief generously offered to let me have a guest post to introduce myself, so hopefully if this goes well I might be able to make the occasional appearance here.
I just wanted to thank everyone for reading and linking to us here, and also mention that I’m going to be tinkering a little (it’s what my people do!) to add some links and other goodies to the blog. If you have or know of other blogs that might be of interest to the Warchief’s readers, please do let me know and I’ll try to make sure to include them – and of course those of you who’ve been listing us on your own blogs will very likely be having the favor returned.
The Warchief has his e-mail listed in the blog’s sidebar information but I’ll mention it again here – he can be reached at garrosh1337@gmail.com. Actually either of us can; I’m also helping screen the Warchief’s fan mail, so you can always direct a message to me there as well.
Keep those e-mails coming in general – I know the Warchief loves hearing from people, and he wants to try to respond to as many actual reader messages as he can when he does his mailbag posts.
That’s all for now. Hopefully I’ll pop up in this space again soon!
If you ever need anything!
Spazzle
Demon Fall Canyon
Three years on Azeroth. I’d never come here until today.
Thank you, father. Rest well.
Lok’tar.
Visiting Ashenvale
The inspection visits to Ashenvale have been a mixed bag so far.
On the plus side, we’re bombing the shit out of Astranaar, and watching stuff blow up is always fun. I even got to ride a wyvern and drop a few bombs myself, which let me tell you, was fun as all fuck. I went around three times – BOOM! I wanted to do more, but apparently the fucking wyvern was getting tired, so I had my guards beat it and tell it to quit being a such a pussy. Then I reassigned it to flight point duty and put it on the Winterspring-to-Silithus round trip. THAT SHOULD TOUGHEN IT UP. (Shit, this is going to get the DEHTA fuckers going again, isn’t it?)
I wanted to have them blow something up while I as there and then have Mokvar draw me walking away looking all unimpressed, because you look way cooler when you don’t even bother looking at an explosion, but Mokvar said he couldn’t draw, which was really fucking inconvenient, so I sent him back to Orgrimmar and told him to start milling inks and not leave until he’d gotten trained up. I’m not going to have lackeys riding around with me who can’t be bothered maxing up the necessary skills. LIKE HE HAS ANYTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DO THESE DAYS.
On the down side, what the FUCK is going on with Splintertree Post? We used to have a pretty secure holding, and now we’re under siege by a bunch of fucking giant orange TREES? The hell?! Dammit, I’m all for advancing the battle onto fronts like Astranaar, but that doesn’t mean you get so preoccupied you let the stupid elves roll up on your original base! Oh and never mind the whole Durak business – yeah, let’s let the demons who nearly destroyed our whole race PLANT ONE OF THEIR OWN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR OUTPOST. Who the fuck is in charge out there anyway? They always say incompetence starts at the top…
By the way, I never thought I’d say this, but going around in these night elf forests is starting to make me think maybe the blood elves are actually the tough side of the family. I mean, yeah, they’re scrawny and prance around way too much for my liking – trust me, I know, the last thing Thrall did before skipping town was stick me with a whole delegation of them hanging out right in my fucking throne room, and don’t think for one minute that Thrall didn’t laugh his ass off all the way to the Maelstrom over that one – and yeah, the whole sunshiny enchanted woods they have in Eversong isn’t helping matters. But shit, look around this place, and it’s like these night elves felt the need to fucking dip everything in glitter.
I still need to check in at the new fortifications at Zoram’gar, but first I need to make one side trip. More later.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
Another sampling
Seems like people really liked the little sample of their Warchief’s poetic skills from yesterday’s mailbag, so I thought I would try coming up with another one for you. Not as jokey as that last one, though…I actually can write real poetry, you know.
so much depends
upon
a red skinned
orc
drenched in human
blood
fuck you
varian
EPIC VERSE!
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Monday mailbag
OMG people are reading my blog!!!! I didn’t even tell anybody other than Spazzle and Eitrigg that this blog was here and now people are reading it! I have fans! People love me! I WILL BASK IN THE ADORING GLOW OF MY LOYAL AND DEVOTED FOLLOWERS! Go me! GO GARROSH!
I hear ya about the paperwork, Warchief. Are you sure you don’t have any assistants to help cover it, though? I’m just a Kor’kron captain and even I have Aleric here to push some of the forms off on. Speaking of which, is there any chance you could have someone come by and relieve me for a weekend or something? I’ve been stuck standing here in the Royal Quarter for almost two years now, and while the view isn’t bad if you know what I mean, let’s just say the aroma around this place isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It would be kind of nice to have a day or two to just go up to Brill and get some air.
— Bragor Bloodfist, Undercity
Oh yeah, absolutely, let me send someone down there to relieve you, Bragor. You really must need a break what with how hard you’ve been working keeping an eye on Sylvanas and making sure she doesn’t get up to anything fishy like developing more of Putress’s plague, and – OH WAIT, SHE TOTALLY DID. How about you DO YOUR FUCKING JOB SUCCESSFULLY before you ask for a vacation? Hey, pro tip, if you spend two years fighting the minions of a diabolical mastermind, like say, I don’t know, some FUCKING SHIMMERY WINGED UNDEAD GIANTS, and one day you see them just hanging out in one of the capital cities of the Horde, and instead of being KILLED LIKE THE BLOOD ENEMIES THEY ARE, it seems like they’re just chilling with one of our leaders, you know, maybe you want to check up on that.
But oh, hey, you do make a decent point about assistants, though. Tell you what. I was going to send someone down there to relieve you, but I think what I’ll do instead is keep them around here and have them work on these forms for me. You keep at it down there in the Undercity. I’ll be expecting your report on where the fuck Koltira Deathweaver disappeared to. IN TRIPLICATE.
Hey mon, I be havin’ a question for ya. If da Lich King’s horse is Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?
— Vol’ Bob, Echo Isles
OMG I can’t believe how stupid this guy is! The Lich King’s horse is INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU STUPID IDIOT! ALSO YOU’RE STUPID!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How dumb do you have to be to not know words.
I swear sometimes I think I’m the only one left in the Horde that’s not a damn retard LOL.
I seriously can’t believe Thrall put you in charge. It’s not that you’re dumb as a post, because let’s face it, his other options were all orcs, and what were his odds there with any choice he made? And it’s not so much that you’re a badboy poser who talks a good game when he knows there’s someone like Rhonin or Tirion in the room to break up any actual fight.
But dude. Poetry? From your journal? Which, you know, is just a slightly less pathetic way to say “diary”? What are you, a fourteen-year-old girl? Do you try to compensate by at least writing poems about weapons and battle, or are you just going all-out and writing about flowers and other sissy crap like that?
— Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
OMG HOW DID HE SEE THIS BLOG!!! I’m writing this for LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE TO SEE, what idiot rigged up the internet so ANYONE can just go around looking up WHATEVER THEY WANT!! Next thing you know kids at the Orgrimmar orphanage will be able to look up succubus erotica that is clearly only supposed to be for me adults. (Does anyone know if Greatmother can see this, by the way? Just checking.)
Anyway! SOMEHOW you’ve managed to breach blog security here, Varian, so I suppose I should answer you. First of all, on the poetry in general, hey, don’t get pissy with me because I’ve read a book in my life. Don’t you have some giant library right there in your castle? How about you reach up on one of those shelves and crack a tome once in a while and maybe get some damn culture.
As for what I write about, here, just for you, I’ll write one about flowers AND weapons. Enjoy.
Mageroyal is red,
Peacebloom is white,
Axes are sharp,
Fuck you, Varian.
EPIC VERSE!
Keep the letters coming. I’ll try to do these mailbags when I can. FOR THE HORDE!
Upcoming plans
Just a short update today.
I was meeting with Eitrigg this afternoon to work out plans for the next series of inspection visits to our Kalimdor operations and I told him about the blog. He seemed pretty happy that I took his advice about starting it and said he’d look it up. Which is good in a way but on the other hand, great, now there’s one person I have to make sure I don’t start talking about in case they see it. Except for me talking about him now. I should stop that. Except talking about stopping talking about him is still talking about him. HEAD HURTS. RAAAA!!
Funny thing is, though, Eitrigg was all proud of himself for giving me the idea to work out my ideas in writing, but the truth is I actually used to do this before. Back in Nagrand, I used to keep a journal and write in it all the time. I kept to myself back then and didn’t really talk to a lot of people, what with me not knowing the whole story about Grom and thinking my dad was the greatest traitor to the orcs ever, the end. I was probably kind of emo, too, but hey, YOU try living under the belief that your dad had doomed your whole civilization.
Anyway, I didn’t have a lot of people to talk to, but I had a lot on my mind, so I used to write in this journal that Greatmother gave me. Mostly I’d just write about my day and try to work out stuff that was on my mind. Sometimes I’d get creative and write some poems. Yeah, what of it? I still have it so maybe one of these days I’ll dig through it and put a few things up on the blog.
Anyway, I need to go finish making arrangements. Ashenvale’s up next.
Visiting the Barrens
Okay, so I just got back from an inspection visit to the Barrens, and for FUCK’S sake, seriously, is EVERYONE out there retarded?? All you hear all day is a bunch of facts about Saurfang and THEY’RE NOT EVEN FUCKING TRUE! I spent the whole afternoon trying to explain to Tari’qa that Saurfang is NOT actually a shaman because he commands the element of surprise! OMG THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL ELEMENT!!
And holy fucking fuck, we KNOW where Mankrik’s wife is! She’s dead! SHE’S TOTALLY FUCKING DEAD! I BUILT HER A SHRINE MYSELF! SHE’S A FUCKING CORPSE OKAY?? Oh wait, fuck, I hope Mankrik doesn’t see this. Where was that erase button again? Hey Mankrik, if you’re reading this, totally sorry about your loss, man. Respect. Peace and shit.
But geez, I’m telling you, while I was out there, I totally should have finished looking for Chen’s keg, because I swear by the time I was done I sure could have used a good stiff drink.
I need to visit more of our operations around Kalimdor soon, and based on this one it looks like I’m going to have to brace myself. How did Thrall put up with being surrounded by idiots?
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
