Monthly Archives: January 2012
Spazzle Speaks
Hi all. Spazzle here again posting in place of the Warchief.
So… Has anybody seen Garrosh? Nobody here has seen or heard from him since he left for Alcaz Island. So…um…anyone have any idea where he is?
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
When things turn bad they don’t @!$# around
Writing this up as quickly as possible while Mortimer is being prepped for flight. I don’t have much time to spell everything out so I’m leaving the relevant documents with Mokvar and authorizing him to edit this post as needed to include enough info for this to make sense to you all.
Garona’s message from Silithus was bad news.
Garrosh:
Major trouble in Silithus. Were setting final fortifications in AQ when were attacked by large Twilight’s Hammer force. Humans, ogres, several silithid. Many more TH than intelligence indicated were even in Silithus; bypassed periphery guards into inner passageways; possibly hiding in nearby silithid hives and tunneled in?
Vastly outnumbered. As soon as combat started turning against us, made sure we destroyed all conjuring equipment left by TH in C’thun’s chamber.
Retreat necessary; far too many of them.
Tried to bring TH captives with us while escaping. One captive killed in crossfire. Second has been making cryptic taunts. Evasive about whether TH are fighting their way in to use phylactery. “You don’t think we’d keep such a sacred vessel ON us, do you?” and “So easy to get you with half-truths when you always focus on the wrong half” or words to that effect.
Regrouping at Orgrimmar Legion Camp. Krug Skullsplit offering troop support for counter-offensive. More forces needed for much prospect of success.
Courier carrying this note can fill in details as needed.
–Garona.
Between this and the Twilight strike at Bladefist Bay, I have a really bad feeling about this. Somehow they knew. They knew we were in Ahn’Qiraj, they knew we were preparing to move forces from Durotar. Not sure how much they know on both fronts, but it stands to reason if they knew we were sending the Doomhammer out, they probably know we have something brewing at Alcaz, and that we’re springing a trap.
And the more I think of it…nearly everything we know about all of this has been coming from Twilight informants.
Spirits help us. I think we’ve been played.
—Why have those cultists running around looking for something when they already knew where is was?
–Why are you having our people in Dustwallow carry on like the ogres there might still be holding the phylactery? … It’s just a way to keep the Grimtotem busy looking for it, keep them one move behind…
–Just a big misdirect.
–Mmhmm.
–Should I be worried that this cult and I seem to think so much alike?
I don’t think the phylactery was ever in Silithus. I think that was one more giant misdirect in a string of misdirects. They wanted us busy chasing our tails in Silithus. They wanted us to think we’d gotten one move ahead of them, setting a trap to lure in the phylactery while they’re moving it around the zone – the more I think of it, if they had the damn thing, and they had that many forces in Silithus, why keep it moving and exposed while they set up? Why wouldn’t they just bring everyone into the temple and set up while all their forces stand guard and the phylactery is safe in hand on-site? Why would they even need the business with the signal?
So now the question is, where is it, and why go to the trouble of having us orchestrate this huge trap on our end? If they’re playing games with us like this, they must know where the phylactery is, so why aren’t they just using it? Do they not have it still? Do they need something else before they actually CAN use it? They must be after something.
Preserved, yes, kept for the masters, held for them, alive, alive, need Skarr alive, all of us alive until we all die, die for the masters, die in glory, die in flame…
They…need Skarr. Alive.
And he was being chased by the Grimtotem. And us, for that matter. Only they had to know that WE wouldn’t kill him as long as we thought he knew something we needed. So…they let us get him? For safekeeping? But that still doesn’t make sense – why not move HIM down to Silithus and keep him under guard with this giant fucking army they apparently have? There’s something missing here. There’s something else they’re still after, otherwise it makes no sense to be playing this bait-and-switch game they have going.
So easy to get you with half-truths when you keep focusing on the wrong half.
And besides, Skarr didn’t even actually HAVE the phylactery. He had nothing in his camp, he had nothing on him, if he KNEW anything he wasn’t letting on…but he sure as hell THOUGHT he was playing some important role in it all, carrying out some important duty that Cho’gall trusted him with.
Cho’gall notice Skarr. Cho’gall remember. Keep in mind, keep in mind…
Hell, he was such a devoted crazy-ass follower of Cho’gall he even fucking TALKED like him half the time.
Wait a minute.
Wait…a minute.
Burn and drown and crush and suffocate.
Fuck.
…
FUCK.
Skarr was a believer. So he gave himself over to the cause – completely.
Apparently that’s the trade-off for this kind of ritual – restoring somebody’s spirit from a non-living vessel doesn’t take a whole lot of magical energy, but it does need something attuned to that particular spirit in order to focus the spell properly, as opposed to living vessels, which I guess actually keep the essence better preserved but require an immense amount of power to unlock.
He gave himself over by helping them preserve their leader the safest way possible.
Skarr IS the phylactery.
FUCK.
But…to release Cho’gall’s spirit from a living vessel, according to what Draz’Zilb said… they can’t just up and do that. They need an immense amount of magical power.
Like…say…a collection of ancient tauren artifacts, and the Doomstone.
Which are in the hands of Magatha.
Who we’re luring to the damn island.
With Skarr.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
Skarr was the key all along. We fucking had it in our hands and we didn’t even realize it. How did nobody see this? How did everybody fucking miss this? Me included! He was a fucking time bomb right there in our midst the whole time…
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
…and all they needed was for us to be chumps and pick a spot to plant the bomb and light the fuse for them.
I’m about to take off. By this point Dontrag and Utvoch must have reached Alcaz Island with Skarr. No telling how soon the Grimtotem will get there. Or the Twilights. No time now to get another ship ready to go – I need to fly down myself and do what I can to get this under control before everything goes to hell.
I’ll talk to you when I talk to you. Luck to us all.
Not good
Dontrag and Utvoch are supposed to bring Skarr to Alcaz Island to set our trap for Magatha in a short while. The plan was to time things so that our forces take off from Bladefist Bay on the Doomhammer with JUST enough time to be there slightly ahead of them, then watch for Grimtotem activity. We’d probably have to improvise on the fly some, depending on how Magatha and company were tackling things, but considering the element of surprise we’d have going for us, and the superior numbers we’d be bringing, it would be fairly easy to adapt to whatever we encountered.
That was the plan.
We just had a major monkey wrench thrown into it.
Less than two hours ago, a Twilight raiding party attacked Bladefist Bay. The Kor’kron forces on hand fought them for a while, and ended up defeating them fairly handily…except that it seems like winning the fight wasn’t really the point of the attack. In fact, a big chunk of their forces were out of commission before the fight even really got rolling. Several of the Twilights were carrying saronite bombs. In the initial charge, they rushed the Doomhammer, boarded the ship, and set them off – killing themselves in the process. The other Twilight attackers really seemed to be there just to provide enough cover to make sure enough of the bombers got to the ship, and by the time we could had the situation under control, the Doomhammer was badly damaged.
It’s taking on water and going down in the bay as we speak. No chance of her making any trips to Alcaz Island, now or likely ever.
I really, REALLY don’t like the timing of this. Something’s going on, and it’s pretty damn hard to shake the idea that the Twilights know a hell of a lot more than they should. There’s absolutely no reason for them to specifically target the Doomhammer unless they’re trying to keep it from casting off. A random attack wouldn’t be so specific about taking out the ship, and besides, batshit though they are, the Twilights don’t do random.
We’re going to have to improvise something, and fast – Skarr should be on the move soon, and there isn’t enough time to get a messenger down to Dustwallow in time to have them delay the operation. One way or another, we’re committed.
Speaking of messengers, though, I’ve just had a courier arrive with a letter from Garona in Silithus. I’ll update shortly once I’ve had a chance to read it. Hopefully it’s good news. We could use some at this point.
Fitting names and key words
Probably not much of a shock to anyone, but after yesterday I really needed a little time to just take my mind off the whole Twilight situation, so I ended up hopping onto Earth Online for a while. So I was going around leveling my new gardener alt, when I ran into this other player and, well, what resulted was probably one of the most gloriously accurate things I’ve ever seen in the game. Here:
I mean, isn’t that…just…yeah. HAH!
While I’m at it, what with the new year, this might also be a good chance to look back at this first year of the Command Board. Well, first partial year, anyway…I only just started this thing up at the tail end of August. But still! Anyway, it’s definitely been a fun ride so far, but one thing I just look a look back at is the Google search terms that have been bringing people to the blog. Some of them make plenty of sense, but some of them…well…
Let’s just say some of you people really need to talk to someone.
Let me be really clear about this. I think it’s awesome that you guys are coming here to read the blog, and I’m happy that people are finding their way here one way or another. I’m not going to turn up my nose at blog visits from anybody. But, that being said, HOLY FUCKING SHIT some of these search terms are disturbing.
The most common ones are actually pretty good. Matter of fact, it kind of feels good when I see someone come to the Command Board based on search terms that make it pretty clear that they’d heard about the blog somehow. Like for instance, these were the top search terms last year:
warchief’s command board
the warchiefs command board
warchief command board
garrosh hellscream blog
warchief command board blog
So yeah, cool, so far so good. Then there was this one, which I figure was a typo except it had a bunch of hits coming from it, and I get what they were going for but it’s still kinda funny:
warchief command boars
I can think of at least five directions you can go with that. YMMV. Have at it an enjoy.
Then, things start to take a HARD left turn into Asshole-ville. Here’s a sampling:
“my pants got caught” “dangling or dangle or dangles or dangled or hang or hanging or hangs or hanged or hung”
why isnt the warchiefs command board working for me
sergeant dontrag the door is closed
mistress command eat my shit
jaina proudmoore head
wyvren muscle fuck
omg son of arugal
what is the warchiefs wife
sylvanas for warchief
rexxar for warchief
jaina proudmoore nude
sylvanas windrunner fuck
jaina proudmoore fucking
jaina proudmoore gets fucked
jaina proudmoore fucked
Okay, so first of all…I have to admit, I’m kind of scared now. I’m going to be really, really optimistic and assume that my regular readers are like…you know…vaguely well adjusted and…um…manage to get laid on a semi-regular basis. Some of the passers-by, though…yeah, you guys really need to get out more.
Especially the Jaina thing. I mean I know I clown on her a lot, but come on, guys. For realsies. This is just kinda sad.
That said…thanks for finding your way here one way or another! Barring some catastrophe, you can look forward to lots more thrilling tales and brilliant insights from your Warchief in the year ahead. AREN’T YOU LUCKY.
Laying the bait
Sometimes I really hate my job.
When all this is over with, if it works the way we’re planning, it’ll all be worth it. I’ll be able to look back and say we stopped the Twilights, and finally caught Magatha, and I’ll even personally hand-deliver her to Baine to do what he will with her. Although, you know, if it’s going to be something painful, I’m really, really hoping I can skip to the front of the line of people who get to do it. But anyway.
It’s going to be worth it in the end, but that doesn’t mean that the things I need to do to get it to happen don’t still suck.
Everything is underway for the trap at Alcaz Island. Skarr is under lock and key in Dustwallow, and Dontrag and Utvoch are standing by to transport him to the island. I have a Kor’kron detachment ready to sail down from Bladefist Bay and slip in undetected by the Grimtotem. All we need now is for the Grimtotem to conveniently discover that we “know” where the phylactery is, and we’re being led to it.
And that’s the part that sucks.
The Grimtotem have been sending raiding parties down to hit Brackenwall Village fairly regularly. Nothing we can’t push back without a whole lot of trouble, but still. Now, though, we’re going to deliberately spread the ogre guards out and send scouting parties around the area, so the village itself has less of a defense force. So for one, we’ll give the appearance of a more vulnerable target, and two, when the Grimtotem finally do strike again, there will be few enough troops on hand that the stupid cows can feel like they’re actually putting a dent in the place this time.
In the middle of all this, I’m having a pair of orc couriers flee from the camp, and make it look like they’re making a break for the road back up to the Barrens. They’re going to be carrying a sealed letter from Draz’Zilb to me – basically notifying me that they’ve discovered the whereabouts of the phylactery, and Skarr will be leading us to its hiding place on Alcaz Island. When, where, all the RSVP details. The idea is that we’ll have the couriers take off during the attack, make sure they’re visible while leaving, and then let the Grimtotem catch them and take the letter and think they’ve made the big score.
And all that sounds fine. But here’s the thing. If the Grimtotem are going to buy this, we can’t make it too easy. We can’t just have a couple of our men stroll up to them waving a white flag. We can’t have them offering up the goods to save their own necks, or turning traitor to help them – the Grimtotem are a lot of things, but they’re not pants-on-head retarded, and they know us well enough to know that there’s no fucking way a pair of orcs would ever sell out the Horde to them, or go down without a fight.
So…they have to go down fighting.
They’ll make a break from the village, take just long enough to get out for the Grimtotem raiders to get after them, put up a fight, make it really seem like they’re hell-bent on getting through to the Barrens, and then, in the end…fail. Magatha will get the letter the only way she ever would – from their cold, dead hands.
I’ve talked to the couriers who are going on this mission. They know what’s being asked of them. I quietly rounded up some of our men and explained what was going on, what was at stake – the Grimtotem, and the Twilights, and Cho’gall, and Magatha and justice for Cairne – and told them this job was volunteers only.
Not a hand in the room stayed down.
I’d never been more proud to be Horde. (And they call us savages.)
In the end I chose two from among the volunteers to send. I made sure that the men going on the courier run were single, no children…we orcs have had far too many orphans and widows already, and I won’t have a hand in creating more if I can help it. They’re on their way to Dustwallow now, and soon enough the plan will be underway.
Like I said…in the end, it will pay off. In the end, the Grimtotem will be stopped. In the end, the Twilight’s Hammer will be prevented from getting their phylactery. Cho’gall will stay in the grave where he belongs, and Thrall will have a clear path to finish the job against Deathwing. Magatha will be captured and brought to justice, and maybe Cairne can finally rest a little easier.
I know that this is the right call. This is the only call. And I can live with it. I have to live with it.
Spirits forgive me.
Wherein I get clever and stuff
Okay, back to business.
I’m writing from Brackenwall Village. I just finished a strategy session with Krog, Drazz’Zilb, and Dontrag and Utvoch. By all signs, the Grimtotem here in Dustwallow are still hitting the Stonemaul ogres, and I’ve also gotten confirmation from Orhan Ogreblade that the Grimtotem in Feralas are still active around the Maul. So, that tells us that the Grimtotem still believe that the phylactery is being held by the ogres in one place or the other, and that they haven’t gotten wind of what’s going on in Silithus yet. Which means if we move quickly, we might have an opportunity here.
Here’s the thing: we know the Grimtotem operations in Feralas and Dustwallow were being coordinated by Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe. We also know that those two – along with a couple other high-ranking Grimtotem – are dead now, courtesy of (ugh) Johnny Awesome. And now that Magatha is on the loose again (oh and did I mention DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT FUCK YOU JOHNNY AWESOME FUCK YOU RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS), smart money says she’s going to be keeping a close eye on the search, seeing as the plan most likely came from her in the first place.
We’re going to get her. Keep reading for the nuts and bolts.
I’m having Skarr moved from Stonemaul Hold to Brackenwall Village, where the ogres will hold him until we’re ready to put the plan into motion. Then we’re going to let word slip out to the Grimtotem that we’ve captured a Twilight operative who knows where the phylactery is hidden, and is going to lead us to it. We’ll let them “find out” when and where, and at the set time we’ll even have Skarr transported to the location so there’s every appearance that the hand-off is going to happen. If we play this right, word will get right back to Magatha of what’s going on, and she’ll send her boys to try to intercept the phylactery. What’s more, if I know anything about Magatha – especially now that her main flunkies are out of commission – she’s not going to want to leave anything to chance. With any luck, she’ll come out of hiding herself to personally land the phylactery. And we’ll be waiting for her.
I’ve gone over the plan with Krog and the others, and I think we’ve gotten the final details sorted out. We’re going to let the Grimtotem think that the phylactery is hidden on Alcaz Island, off the Dustwallow coast. First off, it’s a remote spot without much reason for anyone to go to otherwise. Just as important, Drazz’Zilb tells me the island is covered with runes and conjuring circles from the naga mystics there, and so that should make it pretty easy to sell the idea that the phylactery is under some kind of magic lock and key, with Skarr being the only one able to get to it. This way Magatha will figure her best bet is to hit the island when we take Skarr there, rather than trying to get there before us and waste her time trying to track down a phylactery hidden who-knows-where that she can only unlock access to who-knows-how.
Meanwhile Garona will be holding down the fort in Silithus, where our Kor’kron forces will be set in position soon. Patrols already have the Silithus borders covered, so we know the real phylactery is contained. Just a matter of springing the trap there, and this should all finally be over. Still, it’s only a matter of time before word gets out about what’s going on there, so I don’t want to wait on Trap #1 before we set Trap #2. Or vice versa. Whatever. Number the traps in the order that makes you happy. Point is, I want to get the ball rolling on Alcaz Island ASAP. I’m heading back to Orgrimmar now to line up the final details. Updates soon.
Monday mailbag
Short break from the ongoing business in Silithus and Ferelas and Dustwallow and wherever the hell I’m going to end up getting stuck going to next, to answer some mail…
Dear Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde;
I just wanted to thank you for kindly taking the time out of your busy schedule to spread some cheer at the orphanage this Winter’s Veil. The children were so thrilled to meet Greatfather Winter in person and to receive their new toys. There is so little excitement in their daily routine, and they have so very few possessions, that this event made a huge impression on them. Many are still talking about it to this day.
Of course, some of the older children realize that it was not really Greatfather Winter delivering their presents; however, they were quite touched to see that the Warchief himself has not forgotten them, the Horde’s smallest and most vulnerable citizens. I have informed these older children about the existence of your blog, so you may notice a slight increase in your readership.
Thank you once again, and may you have a very happy New Year.
–Orphan Matron Battlewail.
Some of you might have remembered last week that Eitrigg had gotten me to “volunteer” to play Greatfather Winter at the Orgrimmar orphanage (read: he went ahead and fucking told them I was going to do it without actually asking me, then played the honor-your-commitments and set-an-example-for-keeping-your-word-for-the-kids cards on me). A lot of you have probably seen this already, but @_Rades over at Orcish Army Knife somehow managed to get a picture of the spectacle too, so that might be worth a peek if you really don’t want to let me get away with any dignity.
Anyway, though… I guess it’s good that the kids felt like someone was looking out for them, even if a lot of them ARE a bunch of snot-nosed little brats. (And to think Thrall actually wants to be a dad, too… I’ll tell you right now, I am NOT looking forward to playing Uncle Garrosh at those get-togethers.)
My name is Gurtash, and I’m 13 years old. I live in Orgrimmar at the orphinage. My mom was sick and died after leaving the enterrnment camps. My dad died in battle in Northend fighting scorge. He was very brave and taght me to live with honor. I am going to be a warrior to like my dad and you.
Matron Battlewhale showwed me your blog it is very good. I love wyverns and Mortimer is the best! I seen you fly him before. My dad said I could have wyvern when I’m older but he died. Can i help you take care of Mortimer? I will feed him and brush him and clean his stall and talk to him. Maybe you could give me some sillver for helping or not that’s ok to. Let me know ok. Thanks.
Flying in the sky
Someday I’ll fly as high
Mortimer on the wing
Faster than anything
Loyal to the end
Protecting his friend
So dont start a fight
He will end it right.
EPIC VERSE!
–Gurtash
Uh oh, here we go. Well, I guess Battlewhale— erm, I mean, Battlewail did warn me.
Wait, this kid’s dad died fighting the Scourge in Northrend? But that would mean…oh crap.
So, Gurtash, I um…yeah, I’m sorry about your folks, but it’s good to hear you want to be a brave warrior of the Horde like your dad. Lucky for you we do have some really good trainers here in Orgrimmar, so make sure you listen to them once you’re a little older and you get to go down to the Valley of Trials. And make sure you eat lots of meat to build your strength. I know a lot of grownups are going to try pushing the vegetables on you, and they’re fine if you can choke them down, I guess, but trust me on this, you’re going to want a lot of protein for muscle. Pork, steak, bacon – dude, you cannot possibly get enough bacon – tastes great and great FOR you! Take it from your Warchief.
Also gotta say, you win points for the epic verse (no caps here because it’s kind of EPIC VERSE! junior edition in this case). Keep up the poetry, and just remember, don’t let anybody give you any crap about it. Somewhere along the line, some smartass is probably going to try to make some wisecracks about you writing poetry, but don’t listen to them. In fact, the best way to handle it is to just let them yammer on, let them take their best shot, and then take YOUR best shot back, ideally by beating the living shit out of them. I mean the living crap. I’m not supposed to say “shit” to you, am I, right? Fuck. DAMMIT, I did it again! Forget both of those. (AND DO NOT TRY ASKING MATRON BATTLEWAIL WHAT THE SECOND ONE MEANS. THAT IS AN ORDER!! Whew.)
Anyway, Gurtash, Mortimer DOES take a lot of time and attention, not that I really mind, but a little help on busy days or when I have to be away from Orgrimmar might be handy, come to think of it. I’ll see about bringing you over to Grommash Hold for a visit and see if we can set something up…just watch the talons until he gets used to you! Seriously. Wyverns are cool and all, but until they decide they can trust you, they don’t take any crap from anyone. If you do a good job with him, who knows, maybe next Winter’s Veil there might be a stray wyvern cub flapping around needing a home. Who knows?
That’s it for today. Tomorrow I’ll have a more newsy post up, since I know a lot of you are just waiting with bated breath to hear what my brilliant idea is about the Twilights.
