Monthly Archives: October 2012
The Wizard of Zhan, Act 2
The curtain rises, revealing the Gold Road coming to a fork in the marsh at a small guard tower. Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer enter. Seated next to the tower entrance, two guards – Dontrag and Utvoch – entertain themselves tossing coins.
GARROSH: Huh. Do you know which way we’re supposed to go?
GARONA: I’m not sure. It’s been a while.
GARROSH: How do you know this wizard again?
GARONA: Long story. <looks around> I suppose we could ask the guards.
GARROSH: <squints, looking at them> For some reason, I don’t have a great feeling about that. But whatever. HEY, you two!
Dontrag and Utvoch scramble to their feet and grab their axes.
DONTRAG: Halt!
UTVOCH: Who goes there?
GARROSH: Uh, you can stop trying to act like you were actually paying attention to what was going on.
DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, sir, but rested assurances we are in full commanding commandeered command of the situation. At hand, sir.
UTVOCH: What may have appeared to the untrained eye, sir—
DONTRAG: The uninitialized!
UTVOCH: Uninitialized?
DONTRAG: Isn’t that what you meant?
UTVOCH: The uninitialized eye?
DONTRAG: Well maybe you could take out the “eye” part?
GARONA: Were you thinking of maybe “uninitiated”?
UTVOCH: What’s wrong with just “the untrained eye”?
DONTRAG: Fine, say it your way.
GARROSH: I think I’m starting to get a regrettably familiar headache…
UTVOCH: As I was meaning to say, sir…
GARROSH: Oh good. Here we go.
UTVOCH: To the untrained eye, it may have appeared and belied that my comrade Dontrag and I were diverted and distracted, but you see, sir, that’s all just part of our clever ruse.
GARROSH: A ruse?
UTVOCH: Yes sir. Our cunning plan!
GARROSH: You have a ruse?
UTVOCH: We do, sir – a great clever devious one, sure to outwit and unfox even the most surreptitious and scheming of foes! A great airtight inconceivable ploy, ma’am!
GARROSH: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
UTVOCH: Sir?
GARROSH: Just go on. Or don’t, actually.
UTVOCH: Just meaning to say, sir, my colleague and I might have looked to be distracted with our game, but if you take my meaning, sir, that’s just to lull any enemies into a false sense of security, sir.
DONTRAG: They see us busy at the tower and underestimate us!
GARROSH: I don’t know if anyone could underestimate you two.
UTVOCH: Thank you, sir!
DONTRAG: And they try to put one past us, and lo and behold!
UTVOCH: Ha! HA!
Garona, who had wandered off by this point, unstealths further up the road, on the far side of the guard tower, and waves.
DONTRAG: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one past ol’ Dontrag and Utvoch, sir!
Garrosh points to Garona; Dontrag and Utvoch turn to look, then do double takes.
UTVOCH: Hey! You can’t be over there!
DONTRAG: No one passes this checkpoint without they’ve been approved and authorized and added to the official commendatory-ish list!
UTVOCH: No one else is to pass, ma’am!
DONTRAG: Those are our orders!
GARROSH: Your orders?
DONTRAG: Yes, sir!
GARROSH: Whose orders?
UTVOCH: The Warchief’s orders, sir!
Garrosh stares at them for a moment, then looks at Garona, then rubs his eyes.
GARROSH: I’M the Warchief, you pinheads.
Dontrag and Utvoch do another double take.
UTVOCH: I think we may need to add more detailed notes to the list.
GARROSH: I think you may need something other than cottage cheese between your ears.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
GARONA: You know, if they came along, maybe the Wizard could do something for them.
GARROSH: WHY would you even SUGGEST—
UTVOCH: Really? That would be most magnanimous of you, sir!
DONTRAG: It would be an honor to join you on your quest, sir!
UTVOCH: A group quest, as it were!
DONTRAG: With a tremendous quest reward for Utvoch and I, sir – and most beneficiallacious to everyone!
{IF WE ONLY HAD A BRAIN}
DONTRAG:
We would cause much less frustration,
And need less explanation
To make the meaning plain.
Write your order down and send it;
We would truly comprehend it
If we only had a brain.UTVOCH:
We would free our conversation
From overcompensation:
The knowledge that we feign.
You might think of us as nerdy,
And we wouldn’t be so wordy
If we only had a brain.DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Oh, we would finally know,
Our heads not filled with wool.DONTRAG:
Instead our heads with knowledge would be full.
UTVOCH:
It would be inconceivable!
DONTRAG:
Life would be such a joy hence,
To not be an annoyance,
And not be thought a pain.
You would not be near as wary
Of our weak vocabulary
If we only had a brain.UTVOCH:
We’d listen while you’re talkin’,
And not feel like we’re walkin’
Two steps behind again.
You’re be happy when you meet us
(Or at least you wouldn’t beat us)
If we only had a brain.
GARONA: See? They mean well.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, fine. They can come along. Only question is, which way? We still never settled that.
DONTRAG: We’re on it, sir!
GARONA: See, I told you.
DONTRAG: You call it, Ut.
GARROSH: Wait, call it?
UTVOCH: Heads, north!
DONTRAG: Tossing!
Dontrag tosses a coin.
GARROSH: Seriously?
DONTRAG: Tails!
UTVOCH: South it is.
GARROSH: You know what? Fine. Whatever.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!Blackout. The Gold Road winds past Blackrock Mountain through a fiery landscape. Garrosh, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, and Mortimer enter and make their way cautiously along the road.
DONTRAG: I don’t really like the looks of things here, sir.
GARONA: This is a dangerous region. Rumor has it that a few last lingering members of the black dragonflight lurk around here.
UTVOCH: Dragons? Really?
DONTRAG: Don’t forget the ogres. Aren’t they supposed to be especially hostile in these mountains?
GARONA: Not to mention the orcs.
GARROSH: Um, you mean like every single one of us here?
GARONA: Hey, I’m half draenei.
GARROSH: Yeah, but you’re passing.
GARONA: Well still, I’m talking about Blackrock orcs. They’re nothing but trouble in this region.
DONTRAG: Ugh. Dragons and ogres and orcs.
UTVOCH: Oh my.
GARONA: Dragons and ogres and orcs.
UTVOCH: Oh my.
The group begins to march along the road faster, in rhythm with their words.
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
As the group passes an outcropping of rock, Mokvar – wearing clattering plate armor – jumps out and attacks them, beginning with a chain lightning that knocks Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch back. Mokvar knocks down Dontrag and stands over him, rearing back to swing his mace. Garrosh charges back in and knocks Mokvar away.
DONTRAG: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the Blakrock orcs being bad news around here.
MOKVAR: I’m not a Blackrock orc! You’re the Blackrock orcs!
GARROSH: Dude, what is this, a schoolyard?
MOKVAR: You’re not Blackrock orcs?
GARROSH: Do I LOOK like a Blackrock orc? You seriously can’t tell Blackrock from Mag’har?
MOKVAR: <shrugs> Yeah, fine. In that case, you all be on your way and I’ll get back to my business.
GARROSH: What this yen you’ve got against the Blackrocks, anyway?
MOKVAR: That’s between them and me.
GARONA: And anyone else who happens to come walking down this road.
GARROSH: I don’t know what your problem is with them, dude, but you might want to let it go before somebody ends up getting hurt. Like mainly you.
MOKVAR: Would if I could.
GARONA: Why can’t you?
MOKVAR: The Blackrock clan…well, one of them…took something from me that… Look, if I could put it past me and forget about it, I would. It would make life a whole lot easier…
{IF I ONLY HAD A HEART}
MOKVAR:
It’s true, I’m kind of bitter;
My mercy’s in the shitter,
My anger off the chart.
Maybe wrongs could be forgiven
And I just could go on livin’
If I only had a heart.An orc that I won’t mention,
Reviled past comprehension,
That’s where it found its start.
But my smiles would be addictive
If I just weren’t so vindictive,
If I only had a heart.Picture me a balcony,
Above a voice speaks low,
Illuminated by the fires below.
I hear a blast…aghast.Now I wish I could forget it,
Those moments I regretted
That tear me all apart.
I could end all my fighting
And I’d get back to my writing
If I only had a heart.DONTRAG: You know, maybe the Wizard could do something to help him, too.
GARONA: I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try.
GARROSH: I guess. Maybe he’ll give me someone to have some actual decent conversation with on this trip.
GARONA: I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time!
GARROSH: As I was saying.
MOKVAR: You people are funny. You should write some of this down.
GARROSH: Funny you should mention. I want to discuss that with you during the trip…
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!Blackout. The group follows the Gold Road through Duskwood, where it passes an alchemy station manned by Faranell.
FARNELL: Hey. I’m Edwin, I could go for a trip to the Dark Tower too, everybody cool with that? Yeah? Good. Let’s get going then.
GARROSH: I— wait, what? You just want to…
FARANELL: Yeah, look, I’ve been watching this from backstage, and rather than doing some little vignette about me joining the group, I figured we could just save time and move things along.
GARROSH: <clapping Faranell on the back> Good man.
FARANELL: Okay, so, cue the exit song.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
Weeeeeeeeee’re off to—
GARONA: Wait, wait, hold on.
GARROSH: What’s the matter?
GARONA: What do you want to see the Wizard for?
FARANELL: …I want his autograph?
GARROSH: Does it really matter?
GARONA: Hey, somebody has to keep the plot on track with some kind of integrity.
MOKVAR: Personally I think that train left the station somewhere around the “Time Warp” ripoff.
FARANELL: Well, what have you got so far?
GARONA: Dontrag and Utvoch want a brain.
FARANELL: Shouldn’t they specify two?
GARONA: Isn’t that splitting hairs, really?
FARANELL: Listen, I’m a mage. I know all about ironic technicalities when people phrase their magic requests vaguely.
GARROSH: Whatever. Honestly even one brain between them would be an improvement.
GARONA: And then Mokvar wants a heart.
FARANELL: mm. Okay, well, keeping with the whole anatomical theme, I guess I could ask him for some guts.
GARROSH: Really? You don’t seem so cowardly.
UTVOCH: Actually I thought you were kind of badass back in that cellar.
FARANELL: No, no, I’m not talking about courage. I mean literally, guts. Look at me. I’m undead. I’m missing half my internal organs.
{IF I ONLY HAD SOME GUTS}
FARANELL:
The bile I feel is sadder,
’Cause I’ve got no gallbladder,
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Now I’d finally have uses
For these jarred digestive juices
If I only had some guts.No liver, so I’m thinkin’
I’d better not be drinkin’.
I really don’t see what’s
The point of an appendix,
But I would give mine a mend fix
If I only had some guts.Once I had them back,
It would never discard.
I never should have once let down my guard
And signed that organ donor card.Those toxins, I would rid these
If I just had some kidneys.
Necrosis, it rebuts.
But my pain would heal faster,MOKVAR:
All this anger I would master,
DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Our ideas won’t be disaster,
GARROSH:
And I’ll kill that demon bastard
If that caster is a caster, not a putz.DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Then we’re sure to get a brain.
MOKVAR:
A heart.
GARROSH:
A…means to summon a demon prince and by the way I’m not even bothering to try to get this to fit the actual meter of the line here, so sue me.
FARANELL: <blinks>
Um, okay… Some guts.
GARROSH: Okay, that works. Moving on.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE, FOR REAL THIS TIME)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!The group marches down the road and offstage. The curtain closes.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3…}
The Wizard of Zhan
The curtain rises on the admiral’s quarters in Northwatch Hold, where Garrosh is sitting in a chair, slumped over a central table. Everything appears black-and-white.
After a moment, Garrosh stirs and looks around the room while rubbing his forehead. Stage lights illuminate the far edges of the stage, alternating sides, showing brief glimpses of Orgrimmar in flames, being overrun by demons. The sounds of screaming and demonic laughter can be heard, seemingly at a distance. The lights at the edges of the stage go out. Garrosh stands, and the background noise stops.
GARROSH: Malchezaar… They were able to do it because of Malchezaar…
{UP IN THE NETHER}
GARROSH:
Somewhere up in the nether
In the dark,
There’s a demon “prince,” self-appointed,
Calls himself Malchezaar.Mortimer wanders in and settles near Garrosh as the song continues.
Somewhere up in the nether
Time did break.
You can kill him while he’s up there
But it just won’t take.Some day I’ve got to drag him down
Out of that place and go to town
And stop it.
The Legion hid him in the cracks.
Sometimes he’s got my father’s axe;
I hope he drops it.Somewhere up in the nether
Demons hide.
Prince lurks up in the nether –
It’s long since time he died.If demons get to be revived
Without a timer,
Why oh why can’t I?Garrosh walks to a window and looks out. A stage light illuminates the edge of the stage again, this time revealing the burning ruins of Camp Taurajo.
Garrosh steps back into the room and, slowly at first but with increasing speed and urgency, begins running around the room, knocking over and smashing furniture. Dizzying music fades in as Garrosh continues; he runs around in circles, destroying everything he can reach. The stage lights dim until the room itself fades from view and the only thing visible is Garrosh – running in circles, lashing at his invisible surroundings, moving with increasing speed until he starts to blur into a whirlwind of anger.
The lights slowly come up to show that the Northwatch Hold tower has been replaced by the deck of a goblin sky galleon. The ship is spinning in air, such that the rotation of the ship gradually comes to replace Garrosh’s running; he now stands on the deck as the galleon spins around, tossed in circles by a literal whirlwind.
The lights fade to black while the dizzying music continues – growing louder – then a loud crash is heard. The stage lights come up again, showing the sky galleon wrecked on the ground amid the ruins of Theramore. For the first time, the scene is visible in full color. Garrosh is sprawled out on the ground near the wreckage, unconscious. Mortimer flies in and approaches. He prods Garrosh carefully with one paw; Garrosh stirs and starts to get up.
GARROSH: <rubbing his head with one hand while patting Mortimer with the other> Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, buddy…
Garrosh turns to the wreckage of the galleon and notices a woman’s legs sticking out from under it.
Huh. She’s not okay, though, whoever she is. Was.
Garrosh looks around the ruins, then back to the galleon. As he turns away, several goblins begin to emerge slowly from behind pieces of the ruins.
Hmm… Mortimer, I don’t think we’re in Northgate anymore… Looks like Theramore…so…so that would make HER—
SPAZZLE: <running to the wreckage> The Witch! She’s dead! The Wicked Witch is dead!
More goblins appear and gather closer around the wreckage.
GARROSH: Hang on, the witch? You mean like a mage?
SPAZZLE: Well, it’s kind of a blanket term.
GARROSH: But is THIS one a mage?
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, I get it, she’s dead. What I’m trying to find out is if she’s—
GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: She’s dead!
DYSLIX SILVERGRUB: Dead!
KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH: The Witch is dead!
KHIZZARA: Woot!
GARROSH: Fine, fuck it, I’ll check it out myself.
Garrosh takes hold of the edge of the wreckage and, grunting, lifts it a few feet.
UGH! GROSS!
Garrosh releases the galleon and it crashes back onto the body. One hand is left flopping limply out from under the wreckage; a glowing blue orb falls out of its palm and rolls across the ground.
Definitely Jaina, though. Gotta say, not exactly a glorious way to go out. <chuckles> Oh well. Live on your back, die on your back, right?
The blue sphere rolls further. In a puff of smoke, Liadrin appears in the sphere’s path. She is wearing the paladin Lightsworn robes and has the wings of Avenging Wrath permanently glowing on her back. She leans down and picks up the orb.
LIADRIN: Are you the one who’s slain the Wicked Witch of the East and freed the Mudsprockets?
GARROSH: What, Jaina? Yeah, that was me, I guess.
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: So hang on, who are all you people?
LIADRIN: I am the Good Witch of the North. And the Mudsprockets live here in the marsh.
RAZBO RUSTGEAR: Under the tyrannical reign of the Wicked Witch of the East!
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: Jaina had a tyrannical reign?
SPAZZLE: Well, more like some pretty strict local ordinances on fireworks and explosives.
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: Splodey-ville, here we come!
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: Okay, whatever. You’re happy she’s dead, I’m happy she’s dead, it’s all cool. One less thorn in my side, gotta tell you.
{WHAM, BAM, THE BITCH IS DEAD}
GARROSH:
Wham! Bam! The bitch is dead!
GOBLINS:
Which? Which bitch?
GARROSH:
The Proudmoore bitch!
Wham! Bam! The Proudmoore bitch is dead!
I landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!GOBLINS:
She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!Drazzit Dripvalve approaches wearing a top hat and comically flamboyant ceremonial attire.
DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
As Mayor of dear Mudsprocket,
In the shadow of the Witch’s lair,
I welcome you effusively!GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:
But it must be proved conclusively,
To know…DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
To know?
GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:
That blow…
DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
That blow?
GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:
Has utterly, totally,
KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH:
Not just anecdotally!
RAZBO RUSTGEAR:
Determinately, permanently,
GOBLINS:
Undiminishedly gone and finished her off.
SPAZZLE:
I went ahead and checked her out,
And I can say without a doubt
That she’s not just flatter than most:
She’s totally and truly toast.DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
Then today we’ll fire our rockets!
Celebrating free Mudsprockets!
Now spread the word! Let none neglect!
The Wicked Witch just got shipwrecked!GOBLINS:
Wham! Bam! The Witch is dead!
Which? Which Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Wham! Bam! The Wicked Witch is dead!
He landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.GARROSH:
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!
GOBLINS:
She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!From above, Magatha Grimtotem swoops in, riding her wind serpent Arikara. Cackling maniacally, she casts chain lightning down at the Mudsprockets, who scatter and try to take cover.
GARROSH: What the fuck is SHE doing here?
LIADRIN: It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!
GARROSH: How many fucking Wicked Witches do you people HAVE around here?
LIADRIN: Two—
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
LIADRIN: Well, yes, one now. But this one is even worse than the Wicked Witch of the East ever was.
GARROSH: Preaching to the choir, lady.
Magatha unleashes another burst of chain lightning; Garrosh and Liadrin dive out of the way. Mortimer launches into the air, snarling, and swipes at Arikara.
GARROSH: Yeah! Go get ’em, Mortimer!
Mortimer’s strike knocks Magatha off of Arikara and sends her crashing to the ground. Shrieking, Arikara flies out of view. Magatha gets up and looks at Jaina’s legs poking out from under the wreckage. Mortimer returns to the ground, landing next to Garrosh.
MAGATHA: So it’s true! She’s dead! <looking around hurriedly> Where is it, then? It must be here!
LIADRIN: <holding up the blue sphere> Are you looking for this?
MAGATHA: The Focusing Iris! Yes! Once I combine its power with that of the Doomstone—
LIADRIN: You’ll do nothing of the kind, crone!
MAGATHA: You think I fear you, elf? I’ll take it from you if I have to!
Magatha starts to cast another chain lightning, but is interrupted when Garona – sporting the Fangs of the Father wings – unstealths and stunlocks her.
GARONA: Not so much, Steak Sauce!
GARROSH: So, who’s this supposed to be now?
LIADRIN: She’s the Morally Ambiguous Witch of the South-by-Southeast.
GARONA: Hey.
GARROSH: You people have some really weird fucking job titles, gotta say.
LIADRIN: You slayed the Wicked Witch of the East, so it’s only right that the Focusing Iris should go to you as its caretaker…
Liadrin hands the Iris to Garrosh.
What’s important is that it stays out of the hands of the crone at all cost.
GARROSH: Yeah, don’t worry, I am all about making her life unpleasant…
Arikara swoops by again, startling Garrosh and Liadrin into taking a few steps back; Magatha breaks out of her stun, jumps back, and puts down an earthbind totem that holds the others in place.
MAGATHA: I may need to bide my time for now, but the Iris will be mine yet! And as for you, orc – I’ll get you, my cranky, and your little wyvern, too!
Magatha leaps onto Arikara’s back and takes off.
LIADRIN: She’ll be back. I hope you can handle powerful enemies.
GARROSH: I’ve dealt with worse. Matter of fact, I was working on one just before I wound up here.
LIADRIN: What enemy was that?
GARROSH: A demon called Malchezaar – taking him out wouldn’t even be that big of a deal, but I kind of have to get him out of his lair in order to defeat him.
LIADRIN: Something you would need powerful magic to do?
GARROSH: Probably. Magic not really being my strong suit.
LIADRIN: I may know whose it is. You want to talk to the Wizard of Zhan.
GARROSH: The who now?
LIADRIN: The Wizard of Zhan! He’s a wise, mysterious mage who lives in the Dark Tower far away.
GARROSH: So this guy is pretty powerful?
LIADRIN: Extremely – they say there’s no end to what he can do.
GARONA: Let’s not get carried away now.
GARROSH: You know him?
GARONA: We’ve met.
GARROSH: So how do I get to him?
LIADRIN: The tower of Zhan is far to the east of Dustwallow, in the Pass of Dying Winds. Luckily for you, the eastward Gold Road will take you straight there.
Liadrin points to the yellow brick road beneath their feet.
GARROSH: Well that’s convenient.
GARONA: I can go with you, since I know the Wizard.
LIADRIN: You should get started – it’s a long trip, especially since you’ll be walking.
GARROSH: Screw walking, I’ve got my wyvern right here. I can just hop on and fly along the road.
GARONA: Great! I can get on behind you and hold onto you.
GARROSH: Okay, so walking it is. Grats on the dodged bullet, Mortimer.
GARONA: Fine.
LIADRIN: We’ll see you off! Good luck on your journey!
GARROSH: Hey, actually…you said this road leads right to Zhan?
LIADRIN: Yes, it does.
GARROSH: Even though there’s an ocean between here and there? Because we’re kind of on a different continent.
LIADRIN: Yes, but fortunately the road runs across the Willing Suspension Bridge of Disbelief.
GARROSH: Huh. Okay then. Off we go.
Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer start to follow the road while the Mudsprockets gather behind them.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD}
GOBLINS:
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!The curtains close.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 2…}
Intermission
So don’t ask me to explain what the hell THAT was. As far as I can tell, whatever glamor hocus pocus Barnes has going on here in the Opera House can pull bits and pieces out of all our thoughts and memories and yank them together into these stories. Which is kind of cool, I guess, as long as you’re watching it and not stuck in the middle of it. Or, you know, winding up fake-dead on the floor in the middle of it. It’s a really weird experience having it happen to you, like you’re watching yourself do this stuff from the inside, only you don’t really have control of it other than short little snippets. Almost like getting hit with a priest’s mind control. Only with singing and dancing, in this case.
That last one was extra weird, though. At least with the first show, it was pretty much working off of our experiences with Southshore and the second timeline and all that. But with that second one…I mean, I get that parts of it were playing off of things we’ve experienced and modifying them to fit this other story, like the bombing of Theramore, and me and Varian getting into it in Dalaran, and a ton of other little things. But it’s still really weird seeing them get tweaked like that. Plus I don’t know WHAT the hell was going on with Mokvar and that human. Maybe that’s just something the glamor played around with, seeing as Mokvar had some time as a freelancer before he came to Orgrimmar, but I don’t know. Makes me wonder if I need to start keeping an eye on him too. You know, along with the zillion other people I’m having to keep an eye on these days.
Anyway, I was stupid enough to think we were finally done with all this crap, so during the intermission after that second show, I pulled Barnes aside (well, as much as you can “pull” a noncorporeal ghost anywhere), but it ended up being another mixed bag.
GARROSH: Okay, ghost boy, are you satisfied yet? Are you ready to help us now?
BARNES: I’d say you and your friends have certainly earned some assistance, sir, yes.
GARROSH: Oh thank goodness. So now that we’re done with the stupid stage shows, we can—
BARNES: Oh, I didn’t say we were done yet, though, sir. There is still the third show to tend to.
GARROSH: You just said you were going to help us.
BARNES: Yes, sir, I did.
GARROSH: But you’re still throwing us out there for another one of these damn things.
BARNES: We did bill it as a triple feature, sir.
GARROSH: You want to explain how all that fits together?
BARNES: You’ll get your help, sir. We’ll just work it into the performance — all part of the magic of show business, you see. Literally in this case, as it happens.
GARROSH: <grumbles> You know, it’s a really lucky thing for you that you’re already dead, spooks.
BARNES: <shrugs> In any case, sir, I think curtain time has arrived.
GARROSH: Great…
Barnes walks back onstage and stands under his spotlight while the ghostly audience applauds.
BARNES: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this evening’s final presentation! Tonight, we plumb the depths of the human soul—
GARROSH: <offstage> Fuck that human shit!
BARNES: Erm, the orcish—
GARONA: <offstage> Only half!
BARNES: The…orcish and half-orcish—
LIADRIN: <offstage> No billing for elves?
BARNES: <sighs> Tonight, we plumb the depths of the…racially diverse…bipedal…
Barnes looks offstage uncomfortably, bracing himself for another interruption; when none comes, he lets out a sigh of relief and continues.
…racially diverse bipedal soul—
FARANELL: <offstage> Haven’t had one in years!
BARNES: We’re going to show you a story about some people, okay? And…join a lost orc trying desperately, with the help of his loyal companions, to find a way to protect his home. But…he is pursued by a wicked, malevolent crone!
The audience gasps.
Will he survive? Will he prevail? Only time will tell. And now: On with the show!
West Azeroth Story, Act 3
The curtain rises. Spotlights illuminate the left and right sides of the stage separately, as Garrosh leads the Horde forces across the Barrens on one side and Varian leads the Alliance from Theramore.
{QUINTET}
HORDE:
The Horde is gonna have its day
Tonight.
The Horde is gonna have its way
Tonight.
Alliance think we’re jokin’, no doubt,
But once their king is broken,
We’re kicking them out.ALLIANCE:
We’re gonna look ’em in the eyes
Tonight.
We’re gonna cut ’em down to size
Tonight.
We told ’em they could can it: war cries.
We’ll kick ’em off our planet
Once Garrosh, he dies
Tonight.HORDE:
We’re gonna stop it tonight,
We’re going to drive them off and take Kalimdor!ALLIANCE:
We’ll turn the tables tonight,
We can’t afford to mess around anymore –
Green-skins invade us!HORDE:
The Legion made us!
But this time we’re the ones who’ll finish this war!ALL:
Tonight!
A spotlight illuminates a Theramore courtyard at stage right, where Jaina is seen with Rhonin.
JAINA:
I really do not like this plan
Tonight.
Things really could get out of hand
Tonight.RHONIN:
They’ll show up for the battle:
Brief truce.
With you there, maybe that’ll
Give an excuse
Tonight?Jaina nods to Rhonin and rushes out.
A spotlight illuminates Mokvar crossing the Southfury River into the Barrens.
MOKVAR:
Tonight, tonight,
This stinks like saronite.
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.
Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.One more spotlight illuminates the Theramore tower, where Deliana looks out a window.
DELIANA:
Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,
And now, out of my sight,
There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…HORDE:
The Horde is coming out on top tonght!
We’re gonna watch Varian drop tonight!
They’ll go slow as molasses,
Cry and pout.
The door will hit their asses
On their way out.Garrosh, Malkorok, the rest of the Horde group, and Deliana overlap:
GARROSH:
<to Malkorok> You keep a wide-open eye.
MALKOROK:
Right.
GARROSH:
In case he tries something sly.
MALKOROK:
Right.
GARROSH:
For the Horde!
HORDE:
For the Horde!
MALKOROK:
And they might have a surprise
Tonight.DELIANA:
Tonight, tonight
Our role it might indict,
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.The Horde, Alliance, Mokvar, Deliana, and Jaina – who is now riding across Dustwallow Marsh – overlap:
HORDE and ALLIANCE:
We’re gonna stop it tonight!
We’re gonna end it tonight!
They’re gonna get it tonight!ALLIANCE:
They invaded,
They invaded,
They invaded.HORDE:
Here we’ve made it,
Here we’ve made it,
Home: we made it.ALLIANCE:
We can’t afford to mess around.
Alliance has to win the day,
Alliance has to find a way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.HORDE:
We’re gonna grind them to the ground,
The Horde is gonna have its day,
The Horde is gonna have its way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.JAINA:
Tonight, tonight,
We just might
Have one chance to get it right:
Now Jaina’s got to find a way
To broker peace before the fray:
Will cooler heads carry the day?
Tonight, tonight,
Our future could be bright –
I’ve got to stop it tonight!DELIANA:
Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.MOKVAR and DELIANA:
Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,MOKVAR:
And now, within my sight,
DELIANA:
And now, out of my sight,
MOKVAR and DELIANA:
There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…ALL:
Tonight.
Blackout. From either side of the stage, the Horde and Alliance enter the Battlescar in the Southern Barrens. Both groups spread out over their respective sides of the field, then Garrosh and Varian approach each other at center stage, accompanied by Malkorok and Mathias Shaw.
VARIAN: Warchief.
GARROSH: Dickface.
VARIAN: You’re a classy guy, Hellscream, anyone ever tell you that?
GARROSH: I can have them put that on your gravestone if you want.
VARIAN: Are you ready?
GARROSH: To finally put you in the ground? I’ve been ready for that for years.
Varian draws Shalamayne and extends it in front of him.
VARIAN: Your blade?
GARROSH: What about it?
SHAW: If you would let us inspect it for doctoring.
GARROSH: What the hell are you implying?
VARIAN: We’re not implying anything. It’s just customary to examine each other’s weapons so we can see no one is—
MALKOROK: The two-legged rodent is suggesting you would poison your blade, Warchief. For that alone this mongrel will—
GARROSH: You DARE insinuate I would cheat, human?
VARIAN: Obviously, Garrosh, you would never employ questionable methods when faced with honorable combat. Nevertheless.
Varian gestures with Shalamayne. Garrosh grumbles, then begrudgingly draws Gorehowl and holds it in front of him.
SHAW: Thank you, Warchief.
VARIAN: Now then.
GARROSH: Have your people stand back, Varian. This is between you and me.
VARIAN: You do the same.
Garrosh waves to the Horde group, which steps back and spreads in a semicircle from the side of the stage to the background. Varian signals to the Alliance members, who mirror the Horde’s movements.
MALKOROK: Now – begin!
Garrosh and Varian rush at each other and begin to fight as furious music swells. They lunge and parry, circle around the middle of the stage, and match each other’s moves in rhythm with the music. As the duel unfolds, the spectators begin to shout and cheer for their respective leader, until the cacophonous yells begin to blend into a rhythmic chanting that becomes a counterpoint to the music.
Several times over the course of the fight, Garrosh and Varian lock weapons until one of them shoves the other back toward one side of the stage. Each time, they circle around then resume their clash at center stage.
Slowly, in the background, Malkorok begins to make his way closer to the Alliance side of the circle. From under his cloak, he withdraws a long dagger, shining with a sickly green gleam.
Mokvar enters at the edge of the stage. As he arrives, Garrosh and Varian lock blades and rotate around as each tries to outmuscle the other. Garrosh finally gains the upper hand and flings Varian back toward the Alliance side. Malkorok moves toward him from behind, dagger in hand.
MOKVAR: No! Look out!
Mokvar runs to center stage and tackles Varian to the ground, in the process knocking him out of the way of Malkorok’s stab.
FALSTAD: They’re attackin’ His Majesty!
SHAW: That one had a dagger!
MALKOROK: <recovering himself> That treasonous scribe! He’s helping the human!
SHANDRIS: They were never going to honor the duel!
GARROSH: Mokvar! You! If I didn’t see it with my own eyes…!
The two sides rush at each other and begin fighting, largely in the background. At center stage, Garrosh dodges a few Alliance swings, then grabs Mokvar and holds him by his neck while drawing Gorehowl back.
GARROSH: You…traitorous…!
As Garrosh prepares to swing, Varian grabs him from behind – jarring Garrosh enough to make him lose his grip on Mokvar – and plunges Shalamayne through his back and out of his chest.
GARROSH: <looking down at the blade> Oh for fuck’s sake…AGAIN?
MOKVAR: Oh…oh crap…
GARROSH: Also, how come this doesn’t actually hurt? I mean I know I’m badass and all, but…
BARNES: <from offstage> It’s just a glamour, you silly actor – special effects can’t really hurt you.
GARROSH: I… <looking around> Oh…
BARNES: Now stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to your scene!
GARROSH: Aren’t YOU the one—
BARNES: Action!
GARROSH: <sighs> Fine. <flatly> Oh I am slain. Oh agony. Now I shrug off this mortal coil, it is to laugh, the end. And shit.
Garrosh drops to the ground, where he lays mostly still while making a half-hearted attempt to play dead. Around him the fighting rages on between the Horde and Alliance.
LIADRIN: Garrosh!
DONTRAG: He killed the Warchief!
UTVOCH: You bastard!
VARIAN: Victory! Hellscream has fallen! For the Alli—
Garona unstealths behind Varian and stunlocks him, then unleashes a flurry of blows until he drops to the ground.
GARONA: House of Wrynn! Two generations running! Tell Anduin to sleep lightly! Booyah!
Garona stealths again. The two sides continue to battle frantically.
MALKOROK: Now! With Wrynn slain! Now, shamans, show the dogs the first of our surprises!
A handful of dark-clad shaman emerge from the Horde group and begin channeling spells. Several of the surrounding boulders begin to glow, then rise up as molten giants and begin to attack the Alliance.
Jaina enters.
JAINA: By the Light! What’s happening here?!
FALSTAD: The devils ’a broken the agreement!
SHAW: They’ve killed Varian!
The molten giants stomp on several Alliance soldiers and send the group scattering.
JAINA: We have to get out of here! Everyone to me!
The Alliance rush to Jaina, who teleports them away. The shaman stop channeling their spells, and the molten giants collapse back into boulders.
MALKOROK: Horde! The Alliance flees, but they will not escape! Quickly, to Brackenwall Village! We will regroup and bring the fight to them! For the Horde!
The Horde exits, leaving the stage empty save for the bodies of Garrosh and Varian. The stage lights lower, save for dim lights still illuminating the bodies.
GARROSH: Well that sucked.
VARIAN: Yeah, it kind of did.
GARROSH: Yeah.
VARIAN: Still, though…
GARROSH: What?
VARIAN: For the record, I got you.
GARROSH: Fuck you, Varian.
Blackout. In a Theramore tower, Deliana paces the room.
Jaina enters.
DELIANA: Jaina! What happened?
JAINA: <sighs> Varian is dead.
DELIANA: What?! How? You mean now we have to…?
JAINA: It’s not that simple. Varian is dead, but so is Garrosh. I’m still not sure how it all happened – by the time I got there, things had already—
A knock at the door is heard.
JONATHAN: <outside> Lady Proudmoore!
JAINA: Come in, General.
The door opens and General Marcus Jonathan enters, along with Jaina’s night elf bodyguard Pained; the pair holds Mokvar captive.
JONATHAN: Lady Proudmoore, this orc was found lurking outside the city. He didn’t resist capture, but he did insist on speaking with you.
DELIANA: Mokvar!
JAINA: You know him, Deliana?
PAINED: You should be more selective in your friends. Shandris says this is one of the orcs that helped kill Varian.
DELIANA: He what?
MOKVAR: That’s…not entirely accurate.
JONATHAN: That’s enough from you, orc.
DELIANA: There has to have been some mistake.
JONATHAN: There were several, starting with the decision to trust these green-skinned—
JAINA: That’s enough, General. You can leave us. I’d like to have a few words with the prisoner.
JONATHAN: As you wish.
JAINA: You too, Pained. Please wait outside.
PAINED: With all due respect, my lady, my place is—
JAINA: Is where I tell you to go, Pained. I can take care of myself.
PAINED: Yes, ma’am.
Jonathan and Pained exit. Jaina turns to Deliana.
JAINA: How long have you known him?
DELIANA: We go back quite a few years.
JAINA: You trust him?
DELIANA: I’ve spent the last six years hiding in Ironforge for safety. I think he did more to protect me from Orgrimmar in that time than any of the dwarves ever did.
JAINA: <turns to Mokvar> They say you attacked Varian. Here’s your chance to explain.
MOKVAR: I jumped him. That much is true. But I wasn’t attacking him. I was trying to push him out of the way of the one who was.
JAINA: Who, Garrosh? Why would you try to swing the duel against the Horde?
MOKVAR: No, not Garrosh. If it was just him and Varian, I would have stayed out of it. It was Malkorok. He was about to stab Varian from behind.
DELIANA: Malkorok… Of course it was Malkorok.
MOKVAR: It ended up backfiring. Both sides thought I was working against them, and in the chaos, Garrosh was killed. And by that point I don’t think anyone was interested in honoring the terms of the duel.
JAINA: I don’t even know how many on our side will be willing to listen to reason now.
DELIANA: Jaina, can’t you rein them in? You’d have to be one of the highest ranking people left.
JAINA: I can try, but I don’t know how much good it will do. With Anduin still a boy, there’s no clear line of succession, so right now I’m merely one in a sea of voices.
MOKVAR: The Horde is having its own problems with succession, only worse. It looks like Malkorok is effectively taking over.
DELIANA: Oh no…
JAINA: Who is this Malkorok?
MOKVAR: A Blackrock orc who used to work for Rend Blackhand. At least he gave the appearance of it. I don’t think he ever really served anyone or anything other than his own agenda.
JAINA: I take it having him leading the Horde would be bad news for all involved.
MOKVAR: Let’s put it this way. I know Garrosh was no bargain. But this guy? Malkorok would make Garrosh look like Thrall.
JAINA: Do you think there are others in the Horde who will still resist him?
MOKVAR: I know there are others who won’t be thrilled to have him in charge. The only question is whether Malkorok’s managed to scare them into submission.
JAINA: Then you need to go do what you can while there are some who’ll still listen. And if not…
Jaina reaches into a pocket and produces a small, smooth stone with totemic markings, then slips it into Mokvar’s hand.
…I think you know what this is for.
Mokvar nods. Jaina starts to channel a spell, and a portal appears in the room.
Go now – hurry.
MOKVAR: What will you tell the others?
JAINA: You let me worry about that.
DELIANA: Stay safe, Mokvar.
MOKVAR: I think “safe” is long off the board for all of us. But it’s partly our fault this is happening.
DELIANA: I know. Be careful.
MOKVAR: Always am.
Mokvar disappears through the portal.
Blackout. In Brackenwall Village, the Horde group arrives, met by Krog and Draz’Zilb.
KROG: Malkorok? What are you all doing here?
MALKOROK: The human king is slain – but not without a cost! The dogs turned on us with aid from one of our own, and murdered the Warchief!
KROG: They what? Garrosh is dead?
MALKOROK: He is…but we will ensure that he soon finds himself in good company.
FARANELL: Wait, didn’t we have an agreement with the Alliance that the duel would decide control of Kalimdor? And, well, Varian did kill Garrosh before—
Malkorok steps up to Faranell quickly and knocks him down with a vicious blow.
MALKOROK: Unless you wish to lose more pieces of that rotting corpse you call a body, mage, I recommend you choose your words carefully.
Malkorok glares around as some of the group exchange looks in uneasy silence.
UTVOCH: I can’t believe the Warchief died…
DONTRAG: What are we doing now?
DRAZ’ZILB: Surely we can’t let the Warchief’s death go unanswered!
MALKOROK: Nor will we! Listen to me, soldiers of the Horde! I had little doubt the Alliance pigs would show their true colors in this affair, but we will see to it that they pay for their treachery!
Mokvar enters.
Oh, and speaking of treachery! Here’s the dog who turned on his own Warchief to lend aid to the human! Seize him!
Mokvar is apprehended by a pair of Kor’kron and brought closer to the group.
MOKVAR: It’s funny how selective your memory is, Malkorok. I’m a traitor for helping Varian, but you’re awfully quick to gloss over what I was helping him against – we both know it wasn’t Garrosh.
MALKOROK: You think I hide my role, scribe? Hardly – I take pride in it! I came to the aid of my Warchief; you came to the aid of his mortal enemy. Tell me again which of us here should hang his head!
LIADRIN: Wait, you were interfering with the fight? It was supposed to be honorable combat!
MALKOROK: You will be silent, elf!
Malkorok steps toward Liadrin and throws a punch at her; she deflects it with a paladin bubble, then stuns Malkorok with a Hammer of Justice.
LIADRIN: Now now, didn’t your mother teach you not to hit a lady? She would be ashamed.
MALKOROK: <seething as he collects himself> She taught me to crush my foes.
LIADRIN: Then she would be doubly ashamed if the lady in question were to beat you down.
MOKVAR: That’s why I jumped in – to keep him from ambushing Varian and—
MALKOROK: And slaying the leader of our enemy! Are you fool enough to think you serve our Warchief by saving his nemesis?
MOKVAR: Garrosh Hellscream had many failings, but he believed in honor. At least until he started having his steps shadowed by the likes of you.
MALKOROK: In battle, nothing is more honorable than victory.
MOKVAR: Funny, I can think of at least one victory Garrosh would have gladly given back…
MALKOROK: Keep spinning your words, scribe – it’s what a coward like you does, isn’t it?
Malkorok turns to the rest of the group.
The rest of you – what I am calling for is not words. Your fallen Warchief did not spend his days dawdling over words. He sought action. For the safety of the Horde! For the glory of the Horde! So let this scribe lull you into submission with his words – I call on you to act! To avenge your leader! To finally strike the human disease that has too long infected this continent. Will you join me? Or will you sit here, and bandy about words, and wring your hands over niceties – until the Alliance again show themselves for what they are, and again come to enslave our people, and again leave the ground stained with orcish blood?
Many of the Horde troops, including most of the Kor’kron, start to shout in support.
Good! That is the Horde I know! Now, all of you! Follow me, and we will show the Alliance what becomes of those who draw our wrath! To Theramore! More surprises await the humans…
DRAZ’ZILB: None greater than how quickly they’ll fall before us!
KROG: Hell yeah, we’ll roll over the humans so fast they won’t even know what hit them!
MALKOROK: Oh no, soldiers, not quickly – quick is painless. And these humans must be made to suffer for their crimes against our people!
DRAZ’ZILB: Now you’re talking my language!
DONTRAG: <aside> Does this seem a little strange to you?
UTVOCH: <aside> All I know is they killed the Warchief… I guess it makes sense to go after them…
MALKOROK: Every pain these humans have brought to us will be repaid tenfold tonight! You want to avenge your Warchief? Then leave your pity and your mercy here – bring only your rage and your cruelty!
{CRUEL}
MALKOROK:
Horde, Horde, angry Horde,
Get cruel, Horde!
Vow again, gents, for your vengeance,
Get cruelly cruel, Horde!
Don’t relent, ’cause we have spent
Too long holding back.
Set in mind that humankind
Is overdue for some cruel payback.Horde, Horde, vengeful Horde!
Stay fierce, Horde!
From the skies comes their demise,
Bring them to tears, Horde!
Fight, Horde, fight,
Each human we’ll smite, each fool floored.
Unleash, be cruel, Horde,
Real cruel.Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell watch the rest of the group march off behind Malkorok.
LIADRIN: I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think I’m actually glad Garrosh didn’t live to see this…
MOKVAR: Yeah…
Mokvar tries to take a step, but is restrained by the two Kor’kron who’ve remained behind, and are still holding him.
<looking back and forth between the Kor’kron> Huh.
One of the Kor’kron slumps over, sapped.
KOR’KRON #2: What the—?
The other Kor’kron turns into a sheep in a puff of smoke.
FARANELL: That’s better.
Garona unstealths behind the sapped guard.
GARONA: You really have a way with people, Mokvar.
MOKVAR: I know, right? Still…thanks for sticking with me. All of you.
LIADRIN: I think we’re about to be outcasts among the outcasts.
FARANELL: Eh. You get used to it.
MOKVAR: I was hoping there would be more who would listen…
LIADRIN: Right now they don’t know what to think. So most of them aren’t.
FARANELL: And the rest of them are Dontrag and Utvoch. So, you know…
GARONA: What was that business about the surprise for Theramore?
LIADRIN: I don’t know, but…wait…that part about it coming from the skies…
FARANELL: What are you thinking?
LIADRIN: <looks up> There’s been a goblin sky galleon circling around the western Barrens all night…
FARANELL: Sending troops in by parachute?
GARONA: He would send a gunship for that. A galleon isn’t designed for troop deployment, just…payload.
LIADRIN: I think he’s planning to use a bomb…
MOKVAR: Jaina’s trying to calm the Alliance down and get them to listen to reason, but that’s off the board if Malkorok escalates things even more.
FARANELL: Remember when this cunning plan was going to spare us a big, messy, drawn-out war?
MOKVAR: I’m hoping we can still limit the damage…
LIADRIN: What do you have in mind?
MOKVAR: For starters – Garona, can you stealth into Theramore? We need you to warn them about what Malkorok’s doing.
GARONA: Wait, you want to warn the Alliance that a Horde attack is coming?
LIADRIN: To keep all of this from getting any further out of hand than it already is.
MOKVAR: And to let them see that not all of the Horde has gone crazy.
GARONA: Ugh, fine. I’ll get in and try to warn them.
LIADRIN: What about Edwin and I? What do you want us to do?
MOKVAR: Run.
LIADRIN: What?
FARANELL: I can handle that.
MOKVAR: Get back to the Eastern Kingdoms.
LIADRIN: Why? We should do something to help here.
FARANELL: Don’t argue with the man. Not-here sounds terrific.
MOKVAR: Look, there’s no telling how much uglier this is going to get for us. If things really go bad in Kalimdor, we need some good people still standing over on the other continent.
LIADRIN: There’s still Sylvanas and Lor’themar to run things there.
MOKVAR: You mean Miss “When in Doubt, Throw More Plague on It”—
FARANELL: You do realize who she has in charge of making all the plague, right?
MOKVAR: —and Mr. “Does Anyone Actually Know Who I Am, and By the Way Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat”?
LIADRIN: Seriously, why does no one ever remember who Lor’themar is?
GARONA: Who?
LIADRIN: <sigh>
MOKVAR: Liadrin, really, I know you want to help, but right now the best way for you to do that is by getting somewhere safe.
LIADRIN: What are you going to do?
MOKVAR: <taking out the stone he’d received from Jaina> I’ve got one more card to try playing.
LIADRIN: Whatever it is, good luck.
MOKVAR: To all of us.
Garona stealths and sneaks off; Faranell teleports himself and Liadrin away. Mokvar holds out the stone, channels a spell for several seconds, then disappears in a green flash.
Blackout. In Theramore, Jaina joins Deliana in the tower above.
JAINA: You haven’t moved since Mokvar left.
DELIANA: <shrugs> As long as I keep looking and not seeing anything, then nothing else is coming apart.
JAINA: Hopefully he’ll be able to convince them.
DELIANA: Hopefully. Thank you for being willing to listen to him.
JAINA: I’ve been rumored to know what it’s like to trust an orc when it’s not a terribly popular thing to do.
Rhonin enters. As he does, stagelights illuminate the Theramore courtyard below, where Garona unstealths. The scene below unfolds as the conversation in the tower continues: Garona is immediately attacked by Pained, Shaw, and a few of the Theramore guards; she attempts to fend off their attacks without actively striking anyone, while trying to talk, but to no avail; eventually more Alliance troops mob her, beating her viciously.
JAINA: Rhonin – any luck calming them down?
RHONIN: <shaking head> No more than you’ve had so far. This entire turn of events is proof of why both sides should have listened when we tried to start peace talks.
JAINA: I don’t think listening was ever the strong suit of either of the leaders involved.
RHONIN: Still, I’m hopeful that given a chance to calm down, they’ll eventually be willing to reconsider.
JAINA: The question is whether they’ll give themselves that chance to calm down.
RHONIN: You think they might do something rash?
JAINA: If they don’t, the Horde might. Either way, we all lose.
Falstad and Jonathan drag a bloodied Garona up to the tower and enter, followed closely by Pained and Shaw.
JONATHAN: Lady Proudmoore, we have another Horde captive!
JAINA: What…what did you do to her?
SHAW: Nothing these orcs don’t deserve.
FALSTAD: Aye, the troops made sure this one’d be takin’ some partin’ gifts, if’n she escapes…
JAINA: This… Is this what it’s come to now? Is this what we’ve reduced ourselves to?
PAINED: We didn’t start this war, my lady.
GARONA: <halting> No…but Malkorok…is coming…coming to finish it.
JAINA: Malkorok! He’s still in charge? Mokvar couldn’t stop him?
GARONA: He…he tried… And then he…he sent me to…to warn you…to… <looks around disgustedly> …to save you…
JAINA: Warn us about what? What is Malkorok doing?
SHAW: <shoving Garona> Answer her, orc!
JAINA: Let her!
GARONA: Malkorok…Malkorok is bringing the Horde to…to attack Theramore…and… <spits out blood, then looks around again angrily> He’s throwing the whole force at the north gate…
PAINED: We can pull everyone into the keep and fortify it, my lady – they’ll never get past the walls without siege engines.
SHAW: Still, I’d recommend sending out an advance force to intercept, maybe thin out their numbers before they can get here.
JAINA: See to that, Mathias. While you go out to meet them, we’ll make sure the city is sealed up tightly. General Jonathan?
JONATHAN: Yes, Lady Proudmoore?
JAINA: I want you, General Redmane, and Admiral Aubrey coordinating the defenses here. I’ll speak to Rhonin about setting up some spells to reinforce the outer gates.
JONATHAN: Yes, ma’am. I’ll relay your orders.
Jonathan runs out. As he releases his grip on Garona, she jerks to one side and pulls free of Falstad’s grip, then stealths.
FALSTAD: Dammit! Where’d tha’ one go?
PAINED: We’re having a very bad day with prisoners today…
JAINA: Never mind that – everyone get to work preparing for the attack.
The other officers exit.
I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this…
DELIANA: I think I see them coming…
JAINA: <sighs> I’d better get down there, then…
Jaina exits; Deliana continues watching from the window.
Blackout. In Dustwallow Marsh, near Theramore, Malkorok enters with the rest of the Horde force, stage left. From stage right, an Alliance group enters, led by Falstad, Shandris, and Shaw.
SHANDRIS: There they are! Stop them! For the Alliance!
The Alliance rushes at the Horde and the two sides begin fighting. Malkorok stands back, surveying the battle and watching the sky. As the fighting rages on, he fires a flare into the sky; after a moment, a blinding burst of light flashes from offstage to the right, as an enormous explosion is heard. The blast throws several of the Alliance on the right side of the stage a good distance to the left, and many of them sprawl on the ground unconscious.
MALKOROK: HAHA! There! It is done! See what becomes of the enemies of the Horde, Alliance dogs! Now, quickly, finish them all, and—
MOKVAR: <offstage> Not so fast!
Mokvar enters in ghost wolf form from stage left, closely followed by Vol’jin mounted on a raptor and Baine Bloodhoof on a kodo.
VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, dere been enough killin’ already taday!
MALKOROK: You! I see the traitor has made friends among the malcontents! No matter, troll, you can watch and learn how—
BAINE: We will watch nothing other than you standing down!
MALKOROK: Stand down! Do you think yourself Warchief now, tauren? Is that an order?
BAINE: No, Malkorok, I know I’m not Warchief. <stares Malkorok down a moment> And yes, that’s an order.
From stage right, Jaina staggers in unsteadily.
Lady Proudmoore!
SHANDRIS: <pulling herself up slowly> Jaina…you…you survived…!
JAINA: Rhonin…Rhonin ported me out of the city at the last second… But he…he…
MOKVAR: <looking offstage to the right> Liana…?
JAINA: <looking back> My…my city…my people… They’re…they’re…
MALKOROK: Enough of this! Soldiers of the Horde, this is our moment – strike down your enemies once and for all, and—
BAINE: They will do nothing of the kind, Malkorok!
VOL’JIN: You be done givin’ orders, mon!
MALKOROK: And who will, troll? You? You think you have any authority to take over here?
VOL’JIN: Funny ting you be askin’, mon.
Another ghost wolf enters behind Vol’jin, Baine, and Mokvar.
I ain’t da one who be takin’ over.
The ghost wolf moves to center stage and transforms into Thrall.
THRALL: I believe you’ve done more than enough today, Malkorok.
MALKOROK: So the prodigal shaman returns! No matter!
Malkorok draws his axes and rushes at Thrall. Before he can reach him, Thrall extends one hand and summons a whirlwind that holds Malkorok suspended above the ground.
THRALL: I’ve faced far more imposing threats than you. More menacing and chilling than the likes of you could even imagine.
MALKOROK: <struggling to break out of the whirlwind> Yes, I know all about your battle with Deathwing, shaman…
THRALL: I was talking about Aggra with morning sickness.
Jaina finally pulls her attention away from the ruined city and approaches center stage, looking around angrily.
JAINA: I tried to tell you… And Rhonin… You did this…all of you…did this with your hate… <starts to build a fireball in her hand> Well now I have some hate of my own…
THRALL: Jaina, no!
JAINA: Don’t try to defend him, Thrall! You see what he did here!
THRALL: <glares over to Malkorok, still suspended> I could care less what happens to this…this. But the rest of my people have done nothing.
Jaina continues gathering the fireball in her hand as she eyes Malkorok. In the background, Dontrag and Utvoch can be seen helping Falstad and Shaw to their feet.
JAINA: Get them out of here.
SHAW: But Jaina, they—
JAINA: Today isn’t the day for anyone to argue with me. Get them together and get them away from here, Go’el.
Thrall nods, then gestures to Vol’jin and Baine.
BAINE: All of you, come and come quickly.
VOL’JIN: Time ta make ourselves invisible like da Lich King’s horse!
BAINE: You really need a new joke. Seriously.
The Horde slowly makes its way offstage to the left; Baine and Vol’jin follow them. Mokvar finally pulls himself away from the sight of Theramore and slowly walks across the stage, stopping to stare a moment at Malkorok as he goes, then exits as well. Jaina’s gaze never moves from Malkorok.
JAINA: We’ve all lost a great deal to this conflict… <looks back over her shoulder> All of you…leave us.
The Alliance members trickle out; Shaw is the last one to linger at the edge of the stage.
SHAW: Um, actually, strictly speaking, there isn’t anyplace for us to go to anymo—
JAINA: Get OUT, Mathias.
SHAW: Random swamp wandering it is, yes ma’am.
Shaw exits.
JAINA: You should go, too, Thrall.
THRALL: I suspect there are more than a few pieces to pick up back in Orgrimmar.
JAINA: You should go help pick them up, then.
THRALL: I’m sorry for your people, Jaina.
JAINA: A lot of us are sorry. Or will be.
Thrall releases Malkorok and starts to walk away.
MALKOROK: The great Warchief! That’s it, is it? You side with this human over your own kind!
THRALL: <continuing to walk away without looking back> You are not my kind, Malkorok.
Thrall exits.
MALKOROK: Don’t you walk away from me when I’m—
Malkorok starts to move toward Thrall but is stopped when Jaina unleashes her fireball on the ground in front of him, cutting off his path with a wide patch of flame.
JAINA: Malkorok, is it? I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Jaina Proudmoore. <summons another fireball in her hand> I think it’s time we had a long, long – terribly long, really, and maybe unnecessarily slow – talk.
The curtain closes. Just as it does, a bright red flash can be seen through the heavy cloth, accompanied by an orcish voice crying out. The remaining stage lights go out.
West Azeroth Story, Act 2
The curtain rises to reveal Grommash Hold, where Garrosh is conferring with Eitrigg and Malkorok.
EITRIGG: I still do not like this plan, Warchief. Thrall would never—
MALKOROK: Thrall is not here, old man.
EITRIGG: No…indeed he is not.
GARROSH: This battle will secure the supremacy of the Horde on this continent, Eitrigg, and do it without any loss of men or material.
EITRIGG: If you succeed, Warchief. If you do not—
GARROSH: Do you doubt that I can defeat that human, Eitrigg?
MALKORK: Rest assured, old man, the Warchief will prevail. And even if the impossible happens…well, suffice to say: We are the Horde. Even when we lose, we win.
EITRIGG: What is that supposed to—?
Garona runs in.
GARONA: Warchief! I’ve just returned from Blackrock Mountain!
MALKOROK: What were you doing there, rogue?
GARROSH: I sent her, Malkorok.
GARONA: I investigated, just as you asked, Garrosh.
MALKOROK: What could you possibly have to investigate in that place?
GARROSH: Mokvar.
MALKOROK: That scribe?
EITRIGG: What would Mokvar be doing in Blackrock Mountain?
GARROSH: Good question. What WAS he doing there, Garona?
GARONA: Meeting the human woman, Warchief.
GARROSH: <grumbles> I was afraid of that. What did you find out?
GARONA: I wasn’t able to hear much. Something about someone being untouchable…and assassins…
GARROSH: Assassins?
GARONA: I could make out Mokvar saying they would both be in trouble if anyone found out about them…
MALKORK: The bastard spoke true there.
GARONA: And I think they’re planning to meet again.
GARROSH: Oh good, another rendezvous for the lovebirds…
MALKOROK: More like conspirators, Warchief. Traitors!
EITRIGG: But traitors to whom, if they’re afraid of angering both Horde and Alliance?
MALKOROK: That insipid notetaker was already a traitor the moment he set his gaze on that pink-skinned harlot!
GARONA: He certainly seemed concerned about her welfare.
MALKOROK: He should worry more about his own.
EITRIGG: I would remind you, we still don’t really know what Mokvar is doing.
GARROSH: We know enough to put me in a rotten mood. It would have been bad enough if he were merely having some…revolting affair with this human. But the thought that they might be up to something more than that makes my head spin.
{I FEEL CRANKY}
GARROSH:
I feel cranky,
And quite frankly,
Hanky-panky is rankly dismissed.
And I’ll thank ye
Not to get me any further pissed.I feel surly,
My head’s swirly,
Not too early for a burly street brawl.
And quite surely
Tonight Varian is going to fall.See this angry orc in the war room here?
Wonder how he got so enraged.
Such a cranky mood,
Such a cranky face—GARONA:
Such a—
GARROSH:
Shut up, you,
I won’t be upstaged!I feel vengeful
And vindictive
My revenge will be strict; give this vibe:
I’m betrayed
By a frankly traitorous scribe!EITRIGG:
Will you reconsider this, Warchief?
We do not know nearly enough.
You’ll just set yourself up for more grief;
For all we know, Mokvar’s just affecting a bluff.You think he’s allured?
You think you’re betrayed?
How can we be sure
What game he has played?I plead with you, sir –
You’re so full of wrath.
You once relieved Krom’gar;
Don’t follow his path.MALKOROK:
Keep silent, old man,
Lest you suffer!
That scribe has done
More than enough, sir.Deceitful and vain,
Disloyal as well;
His open disdain
He’s proven full well!GARROSH:
I feel vicious,
And malicious.
This seditious orc surely will pay.
And my wish is
I could get my hands on him today.GARONA:
La la la la…
GARROSH:
I feel spiteful.
I feel hostile.
But tonight we’ll accost all our foes.
While you flank me,
I’ll give Varian one on the nose.GARONA:
La la la la…
GARROSH:
See this angry orc in the war room here?
MALKOROK:
Yes, sir, rightly so!
GARROSH:
You know how he got so pissed off.
EITRIGG:
Sir, I still say—
GARROSH:
Such a cranky mood,
Such a cranky face—EITRIGG:
Please, sir, think again—
GARROSH:
Don’t make me scoff!
MALKOROK: Hah!
GARROSH:
Now I’ll partake,
Feel my rage burn;
Soon Mokvar’ll take a turn for the worst.
But tonight
The Alliance is getting theirs first.MALKOROK: Hah! Music to my ears indeed, sir! Tonight the Alliance finally pays for their insolence, and then we can deal with that insipid, traitorous scribe!
GARROSH: Come along, Malkorok, let’s gather the others and begin the march to the Barrens.
MALKOROK: Of course, Warchief.
GARROSH: Eitrigg, watch over Orgrimmar in our absence. We’ll return soon enough for the first of many victory celebrations.
Garrosh and Malkorok exit.
EITRIGG: <watching them go> I do not know if it was a curse or a blessing that Grom did not live to know his son…
GARONA: The Alliance would be only too happy to wipe us out as well, Eitrigg. Don’t forget how many times Varian has called us monsters.
EITRIGG: And I do not object to defending ourselves against him. But I would prefer not to do so by proving him right.
Mokvar enters.
Mokvar!
GARONA: You!
MOKVAR: Eitrigg, I need to—
Mokvar slumps over as Garona darts around and saps him from behind.
EITRIGG: Garona, what are you doing?!
GARONA: Incapacitating the traitor before he has a chance to—
EITRIGG: To what? Write us a mean letter?
GARONA: Garrosh would have wanted us to—
EITRIGG: Garrosh isn’t here. And we have long since gotten out of the habit of honoring the wishes of our Warchiefs in their absence.
Eitrigg eyes Mokvar carefully.
I would like to hear what he has to say for himself.
A dim spotlight, stage left, illuminates Garrosh and Malkorok marching through Orgrimmar gathering Liadrin, Faranell, Dontrag, Utvoch, and other assorted Horde mainstays.
A moment after the Horde activities come into view, a second dim spotlight, stage right, illuminates Deliana talking in pantomime with Jaina Proudmoore in a Theramore tower. An additional spotlight below them shows Varian making his way among Alliance troops, gathering some – Falstad Wildhammer, Mathias Shaw, Shandris Feathermoon – to join him, while directing others – Horran Redmane, Marcus Jonathan, Tarlen Aubrey – to posts within Theramore.
At center stage, Mokvar regains consciousness and looks around, briefly disoriented.
MOKVAR: I would ask what that was for, but I think I already know that the answer would be.
GARONA: Shouldn’t you be in Blackrock Spire with your lady friend?
MOKVAR: So I’m guessing Deliana and I weren’t the only ones in Blackrock.
GARONA: Sorry if I was spoiling your privacy.
EITRIGG: Garona, enough.
GARONA: Ugh, fine.
MOKVAR: Has Garrosh heard?
EITRIGG: Indeed. You’re fortunate he’s already left for the Barrens…
MOKVAR: So, how pissed is he, on a scale of one to…well…one to Garrosh…?
GARONA: Right now I’d say he’s hovering around Garrosh squared.
MOKVAR: Crap.
GARONA: Seriously. He did a whole musical number about it.
EITRIGG: It likely doesn’t help matters that he has that blasted Malkorok fanning the flames for him.
MOKVAR: Yeah, that’s part of the problem – why I was going to see Deliana in the first place. Well, mostly.
EITRIGG: Mokvar, who is this woman?
MOKVAR: An old friend, from years before I came to Orgrimmar. She and I were in a mercenary company called the Veiled Blade. Years ago, we were hired for a mission in Blackrock Spire. We fought one of Nefarian’s lieutenants there, a drakonid called Lord Valthalak. We killed him…mostly…but after we made off with our loot, his spirit sent spectral assassins after us. That’s when Deliana and I went into hiding – me in Orgrimmar, her in Ironforge.
EITRIGG: And the rest of your group?
MOKVAR: Dead. Mostly, anyway.
EITRIGG: What business do you have with her now? And why all the secrecy?
MOKVAR: Other than her being a human and us being at war?
EITRIGG: I’m not unfamiliar with unlikely friendships.
MOKVAR: I’d thought we’d laid this Valthalak business to rest years ago, but now it looks like those spectral assassins are on the move again. We have no idea why, but we’ve been trying to find out.
EITRIGG: I wish you’d come to us with this first, Mokvar. Garrosh has come to consider you a friend, but the news of you sneaking off to meet with this human…
MOKVAR: Yeah, I know…
EITRIGG: He’s grown belligerent enough of late, with precious few to counter the whispers of that Malkorok urging him headlong into foolish confrontations.
MOKVAR: And that’s the other part of this, Eitrigg.
EITRIGG: What is?
MOKVAR: Malkorok. We’ve met before. <long sigh> In Blackrock Spire.
EITRIGG: You what?
MOKVAR: He can’t be trusted, Eitrigg. I know he has Garrosh’s ear, and that…that’s a problem.
EITRIGG: Mokvar, by the spirits, why haven’t you said anything? Do you have any idea how many of us have prayed for some way to convince Garrosh not to listen to that monster?
MOKVAR: That’s…a long story.
EITRIGG: Right now I don’t think we have much time for it. Garrosh and the devil on his shoulder are on their way to the Barrens now… Mokvar, whatever is in your past, you’ve been nothing but an honorable man since I’ve known you. Answer me: How sure are you about Malkorok? That he’s not to be trusted?
MOKVAR: Rend trusted him all those years ago. And I can tell you for a certainty – he shouldn’t have.
EITRIGG: I was already worried about his role in this spirits-forsaken challenge…
GARONA: You think he has some secret agenda?
MOKVAR: I wouldn’t put it past him.
EITRIGG: Then someone has to intervene. Mokvar, you have to get down there. I know Garrosh won’t be happy to see you, but if he’s walking into something…
MOKVAR: I know.
GARONA: I’ll go with you. Maybe he’ll listen to me.
MOKVAR: Does he ever listen to you?
GARONA: Hey, at least he hasn’t declared his desire to brutally murder me in glorious song in the last fifteen minutes, how about you?
MOKVAR: Also, weren’t you the one ready to stunlock and kill me yourself just a few minutes ago?
GARONA: Yes. And if it turns out that you’re lying, I still can.
MOKVAR: Reassuring.
GARONA: Right now, I can either trust you or not. If I trust you, and I’m wrong, I’ll still be there to stop you and kill you – and don’t think I won’t. But if I ignore you now, and I’m wrong…
EITRIGG: We’re losing valuable time. Hurry, both of you…
MOKVAR: We will. Thanks, Eitrigg.
EITRIGG: You can thank me by not proving me a sentimental old fool for trusting my instincts on you. Go quickly now – lok’tar.
MOKVAR: Lok’tar.
GARONA: Ogar.
Mokvar and Garona exist and Eitrigg begins to pace the room as the lights dim and the curtain closes.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3…}
West Azeroth Story
Barnes walks onstage and a spotlight appears over him.
BARNES: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this evening’s presentation! Tonight we explore a tale of forbidden love! But beware, for not all love stories end happily. As you may find out, sometimes love pricks like a thorn. But don’t take it from me. See for yourself what tragedy lies ahead when the paths of star-crossed lovers meet. And now: On with the show!
Barnes walks offstage. The curtain rises, revealing a farm house with a Horde banner flying behind it. In the foreground, Garrosh enters from stage right, with Mokvar, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, Liadrin, and Faranell in formation behind him. As they walk by the farm, they begin snapping their fingers rhythmically in unison. They continue walking until they disappear from view, stage left.
The lights dim for a moment, then come back on, showing that the farm house has been replaced by a blacksmith’s building. Again, a Horde banner flies in the background. Garrosh et al enter stage left, still walking in formation and snapping their fingers in unison. Again they walk across the stage and exit, stage right.
Blackout. This time, the blacksmith building has been replaced by a stable. Garrosh et al enter stage right and walk past the stable, snapping their fingers – then, stopping their snapping, they turn and look back at the Alliance flag flying nearby.
From stage left, Varian Wrynn enters with a group of Alliance – including Jaina Proudmoore, Falstad Wildhammer, and Shandris Feathermoon. The Horde group turns to see them, and the two sides stare each other down for a moment.
As hectic music fills the air, the two groups launch into combat and fight back and forth acrobatically as if dancing to the music.
GARROSH: For the Horde!
ALL HORDE: For the Horde!
VARIAN: For the Alliance!
ALL ALLIANCE: Alliance!
GARROSH: Oh, fuck you, Varian!
VARIAN: This time there’ll be no escape for you, Hellscream!
The two sides continue fighting back and forth in front of the stables.
GARROSH: For fuck’s sake, you idiots, stop fighting in the middle and cap the damn flag!
VARIAN: There’re all here! The mine has to be open, some of you get over there!
LIADRIN: Someone come with me to cover the blacksmith before they get there!
Most of the combatants rush off in different directions, until Garrosh and Faranell find themselves alone with Varian, Jaina, Shandris, and several anonymous Alliance soldiers.
GARROSH: Okay, now to—
FARANELL: Not liking the odds here, boss – lumber mill coming up!
Faranell grabs Garrosh and teleports them both away just as Varian starts to rush at them. Varian looks around, then points at a red-shirted dwarf.
VARIAN: You, fact checker! Watch the stables while we circle around. Let’s go!
Varian and the others rush off, leaving the Wildhammer Fact Checker standing alone by the flag. After a moment, the dwarf lurches forward, stunned, as Garona unstealths behind him and starts stabbing him wildly with two daggers until he collapses to the ground.
GARONA: <turning to the flag> Lok’tar!
Blackout. At the blacksmith, Liadrin and Mokvar fight Shandris and an Alliance soldier, pushing them back until they fight their way offstage to the right.
Blackout. The landscape changes to that of the Isle of Conquest. From stage right, Garrosh, Liadrin, and Dontrag enter, followed by Flastad driving a glaive, with Jaina casting fireballs in support. The Alliance drive the Horde back until they exit to the left.
Blackout. This time the surrounding scenery is that of Wintergrasp. Varian and Jaina enter from stage left, chased by a demonlisher manned by Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch, plus a catapult driven by Faranell. The Horde continues chasing the Alliance until they all exit, stage right.
Blackout. The scene changes to the Ring of Champions at the Argent Tournament grounds. From opposite sides of the stage, the Horde and Alliance groups rush in and begin fighting across the ring, again moving in rhythm with the music.
After a few minutes of combat, Tirion Fordring enters, runs to the middle of the fray, and emits a burst of light from the Ashbringer that knocks back all the combatants. Tirion looks back and forth at the two groups disapprovingly; they return to their feet and look back at him uneasily.
GARROSH: Oh. Hey.
VARIAN: Greetings, Highlord.
TIRION: If I might have a word, gentlemen.
GARROSH and VARIAN: Oh no.
TIRION: Much hope has been invested in an eventual peace between both your peoples, not least of all by the great archmage Rhonin, in his noble planning of the peace summit in Dalaran that draws near. Indeed, my own friendship with your own kinsman Eitrigg, Warchief Hellscream, stands, if I might dare flatter myself, in illustration of the fellowship that might be wrought between two divergent cultures, and, indeed, worlds—
VARIAN: Look, Tirion—
GARROSH: Seriously, you don’t have to—
TIRION: —one that you both may well benefit to heed. For surely, two such mighty and wise leaders as yourselves cannot but recognize the merit in looking beyond these petty, mutually destructive squabbles—
GARROSH: Dude, really, couldn’t you just let us slowly hack each other to death?
VARIAN: It would be faster and more humane.
TIRION: —in order to secure a lasting stability that would work to both your advantages.
Garrosh and Varian stare at Tirion in silence for several seconds.
GARROSH: Were you done?
TIRION: <sighs> In any case… Under my roof, gentlemen, I trust you will behave yourselves.
VARIAN: Fine, Tirion. I’ll talk to you later. Or try to.
Varian leaves, the other Alliance following close behind. Tirion nods to Garrosh and likewise exits, in the opposite direction.
FARANELL: Well that was arguably needlessly elaborate.
DONTRAG: What’s the plan now, if I might inquire, oh great and nefarious Warchief?
FARANELL: “Nefarious”…?
MOKVAR: Just let him.
UTVOCH: Indeed, sir, are you planning to go through with the peace summit?
GARROSH: Dude, did you just meet me today or something?
FARANELL: Not to mention it would have been a lot easier just to fly up here if that were the case, without having to find parking spaces for all the demolishers.
GARROSH: The only peace I’m interested in with that Alliance scum is the one that will come after we’ve crushed them beneath our boots, and secured the supremacy of the Horde!
DONTRAG: For the Horde!
GARONA: For the Horde!
GARROSH: FOR THE HORDE!
{HORDE SONG}
GARROSH:
When you’re the Horde
You stand mighty and strong!
If the humans come toward,
They won’t be standing long.When you’re the Horde
You’re united and brave,
And across Kalimdor
Full dominion you crave.You’re not backing down,
You’re not intimidated!
You’re green and you’re brown.
(I hope not masticated.)
You’re unabated!If you get bored
Find some humans to slay –
At the end of your sword
Is the end of their days!
Cause we’re the Horde,
Yeah – For the Horde!Now I know Varian, and I’m damn sure he isn’t any more jazzed about this peace conference idea than I am.
LIADRIN: I’ll bet you anything he’s only here at all because Jaina talked him into it.
MOKVAR: Oh, yeah. Talked.
GARROSH: Fuck that shit, Mokvar. That would require the asshole to be able to—
FARANELL: I’m begging you not to finish that sentence.
DONTRAG: So what are we going to do, great and mighty Warchief?
UTVOCH: Are we skipping the peace summit?
GARROSH: Oh no, we’re going to the summit. See, Rhonin’s right about one thing – having our war with the Alliance drag on and on IS a waste. For US, anyway. The sooner it ends – with the Horde victorious – the sooner we can stop losing the lives of so many of our brave soldiers.
GARONA: So what are you planning?
GARROSH: We’ll go to Rhonin’s little conference – and I’m going to challenge Varian to a full-on confrontation. One last glorious battle, to decide the fate of Kalimdor at least, and maybe the entire world, once and for all. With victory for the Horde!
DONTRAG: For the Horde!
UTVOCH: For the Horde!
DONTRAG:
When you’re the Horde
You say “Lok’tar ogar!”
Hey, I’m singing a chord!
I can’t carry it far…UTVOCH:
When you’re the Horde
All’s achievable now!
All the wins that we’ve scored,
Inconceivable—OW!!ALL:
The Horde’s on the move,
Our hearts full of defiance!
We’ve nothing to prove
Once we slay the Alliance,
Down to a science!Here comes the Horde
And here’s where we begin
Charging headlong to war
And you know that we’ll win.Here comes the Horde
And the world’s gonna quake,
First we wiped out Southshore,
Then the Barrens we’ll take.We’re drawin’ the line,
And if they don’t like hurtin’,
They’ll stay on their side,
And if they don’t, it’s certain
For them it’s curtains!Here comes the Horde!
When we reach Dalaran
We won’t sign no accord—UTVOCH:
Isn’t this Karazhan?
GARROSH: <glaring>
Dontrag, I told
You
Once:
WORD
BAN.All exit, and the lights fade. After a few seconds, the lights gradually come up again, revealing a large room in the Violet Citadel of Dalaran. Rhonin paces around the middle of the room.
From stage right, Garrosh enters, followed by Mokvar, Liadrin, Faranell, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch.
From stage left, the Alliance contingent enters: Varian Wrynn, Jaina Proudmoore, Tyrande Whisperwind, Prophet Velen, Falstad Wildhammer, Shandris Feathermoon, Master Mathias Shaw, and Deliana.
As both groups enter, Rhonin mills about greeting them. No voices are audible, but it’s clear from the participants’ body language that they’re talking. Occasionally Garrosh is seen smacking Dontrag and/or Utvoch in the head.
From opposite sides of the room, Mokvar and Deliana notice each other, then begin to walk toward each other slowly at center stage. They meet in the middle of the room, just as, in the background, Rhonin waves Garrosh and Varian toward each other.
DELIANA: Mokvar…?
MOKVAR: I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, Liana…
In the background, Garrosh and Varian can be seen talking, growing increasingly animated, while Rhonin appears to try to calm them both down.
DELIANA: I…I was worried about you.
MOKVAR: <nods> I’d heard you were in Ironforge. I’m glad they didn’t get to you.
DELIANA: When the spectral assassins started coming for the others, I recruited help to try to appease Valthalak. I’d hoped they could do it before the assassins came for you, too.
MOKVAR: I did the same. Mostly to protect my own neck, but still.
DELIANA: <chuckles> Not for me? And here I thought I was something special.
MOKVAR: <laughs> Now you sound like my wife.
In the background, Garrosh and Varian storm angrily away from each other, then pause, turn, charge at each other, and start fighting as most of the rest of their respective groups collapse in closer.
DELIANA: Mokvar, something’s wrong.
MOKVAR: <glances over his shoulder at the fight> What was your first hint?
DELIANA: No, I mean…in Ironforge. A few days ago…I saw Theldren.
MOKVAR: What?
In the background, Rhonin jumps in close to Garrosh and Varian, then unleashes a burst of arcane energy that knocks them away from each other.
RHONIN: <muted by distance but audible> We have all lost a great deal in these conflicts – but we stand to lose everything if we do not stop fighting!
Mokvar and Deliana look back to each other; behind them, the two factions mill about on opposite sides of the room, watching each other guardedly.
MOKVAR: Wait…you saw Theldren? Alive?
DELIANA: <nods> He came to see Moira Thaurissan. I don’t know what about.
MOKVAR: I can’t believe he’s still alive…
DELIANA: It worries me. If he came out of hiding…or if he’s decided Blackrock Depths isn’t safe enough anymore as a hiding place…
At the right side of the stage, Dontrag and Utvoch begin to look curiously at Mokvar, pointing at him and gesturing to each other as they appear to talk. (Which they do. Endlessly. Because they’re Dontrag and Utvoch.)
MOKVAR: Liana…I’ve seen something, too.
Mokvar waves her closer; Deliana leans in nearer to him.
DELIANA: What? What’s wrong?
MOKVAR: It’s…him. He’s back. And he’s in Orgrimmar.
DELIANA: Who…? Not Valthalak?
MOKVAR: <shaking head> No, no, not Valthalak, but—
DELIANA: <eyes going wide> Oh…ohh…oh no, no…
To the side, Dontrag and Utvoch are joined by Garrosh.
UTVOCH: <aside> Warchief? What’s going on with Mokvar?
DONTRAG: <aside> He seems to be on pretty…um…good terms with that human.
GARROSH: <aside> Yeah…he does, doesn’t he…
Deliana looks around nervously.
DELIANA: Mokvar, why would he be in Orgrimmar? What is he doing there?
MOKVAR: Bending the Warchief’s ear, mostly…
DELIANA: He…? Oh no…Mokvar…
GARROSH: <aside> Seriously, wasn’t it enough that Thrall had that incomprehensible thing for Jaina? Is this going to be some new thing?
DONTRAG: <aside> Well, begging your pardon, most highly annoyable and punch-titious sir, she…well, she does have nice legs for a human.
UTVOCH: <aside> Eh, doesn’t really do much for me.
DONTRAG: <aside> No, because she doesn’t have hooves, Ut.
DELIANA: Mokvar, what are we going to do?
MOKVAR: I don’t know. He’s managed to get himself into Garrosh’s inner circle somehow. He’s practically become Garrosh’s inner circle. I don’t know if he’s even touchable at this point.
Garona joins Garrosh, Dontrag, and Utvoch.
GARONA: <aside> What are we all looking at?
DONTRAG: <aside> Mokvar putting the moves on some human, we think.
GARONA: <aside> Ugh, really? Why do you orc men always seem to go after everything but orc women?
GARROSH: <aside> You mean based on the example of an orc woman we have on hand?
DELIANA: Mokvar…I’ll try to see if I can learn anything.
MOKVAR: How?
DELIANA: Bodley. I think I may still be able to reach his ghost…
MOKVAR: I’ll see if I can dig up anything on my end. When should we meet again?
DELIANA: Tomorrow? You know where…
MOKVAR: <nods> Be careful.
DELIANA: You too.
Mokvar and Deliana walk cautiously back to their respective sides of the room. The Alliance contingent begins to leave, while Mokvar appears to talk distractedly with Liadrin and Faranell.
GARROSH: I don’t like the looks of this fraternizing with the enemy at all…
MOKVAR: <aside> I’ll talk to you later, Edwin. I think I need a little air.
The lights dim on all but Mokvar as he walks away from the others and leaves. He steps offstage for a moment, then reenters; a spotlight follows him around the stage as he wanders through Dalaran.
{LIANA}
MOKVAR:
A name I never thought I’d hear again…
(Liana, Liana, Liana, Liana)
Since we fled long ago from the heart of a dragon’s den…
(Liana, Liana, Liana, Liana)
Liana!
I saw her again: Deliana.
But now we are aghast:
A shadow of the past
Is here.Liana!
Stay safe, my old friend Deliana.
We may have just delayed
The bane of the Veiled Blade,
I fear.Liana!
Go and seek out the ghost of Bodley,
While I question my contacts broadly.
Liana,
This all played out oddly.
Liana, Liana, Liana, Liana, Liana,
Liana, Liana, Liana, Liana, Liana.
All our efforts we’d best redouble:
We might be in a whole lot of trouble.
Liana,
WTB pally bubble…
Liana.A name I never thought I’d hear again…
Liana.Blackout. At Valiance Keep, Varian and the other Alliance members enter.
JAINA: Are you really going to go through with this?
VARIAN: Did I look like I was joking when I agreed to it, Jaina?
JAINA: But one fight to determine the future of a whole continent?
SHANDRIS: It does sound like quite the gamble, Highness.
VARIAN: You sound like you don’t have faith in my chances against Garrosh, Shandris.
SHANDRIS: Hellscream does not have the best track record with regard to honorable combat, Highness.
VARIAN: Hence why I insisted we hold the duel in a setting where we can keep a close eye on him.
FALSTAD: He’ll be tryin’ somethin’ fer sure, Yer Highness, just ye watch.
VARIAN: At least in our own territory, we won’t have to worry as much about the place swarming with orcs.
VELEN: Hang on – swarming with orcs? That sounds like something the Legion would do! The Legion isn’t back, is it?
VARIAN: <rubbing forehead> No, Velen, the Legion isn’t back.
VELEN: You’d tell me, right? I need time to pack.
VARIAN: Believe me, the last thing I would ever do is get in the way of you packing.
JAINA: Speaking of which, if you do lose, do you really plan for us to…go through with it?
VARIAN: I made an agreement, Jaina: one battle, leader against leader, for control of Kalimdor, once and for all. I intend to honor it.
TYRANDE: I don’t much like this business of you gambling with the lands my people have called home for millennia.
VARIAN: Oh, hush, Tyrande.
TYRANDE: …
SHANDRIS: Oh no he didn’t.
TYRANDE: You are not nearly hot enough to get away with talking to me like that!
VARIAN: The point is, I don’t intend to lose. And then you’ll be happy I took up the challenge, when the forests of Ashenvale are no longer crawling with orcs.
VELEN: Crawling with orcs! That’s it, not taking any chances – I’m out! Good luck, people.
Velen exits.
VARIAN: <sighs> Well, they don’t call him Bailin’ Velen for nothing, I suppose.
TYRANDE: Wanting the orcs out is all well and good, but taking such an all-or-nothing risk…
SHAW: Really, I don’t see what you’re so worried about. I mean…it’s just Kalimdor.
TYRANDE: Umm…what?
VARIAN: Seriously.
SHANDRIS: You…can’t be serious.
JAINA: You realize they’ve both lived there for thousands of years, right?
FALSTAD: Maybe ye could use a change o’ scenery, then.
VARIAN: I’m not disputing it would be a loss, but it’s not as if there’s a lot over there that’s irreplaceable…
TYRANDE: Are you not familiar with the World Tree?
SHAW: The one that burned with Archimonde and…hang on…nothing happened?
JAINA: I…don’t believe you three.
VARIAN: Oh, don’t worry about Jaina. She grew up in Kul Tiras and Dalaran but then she decided to go move into her own place and forget her old home.
JAINA: Not true! I remember it well.
{KALIMDOR}
JAINA:
Eastern Kingdoms:
A lovely visit.
I wouldn’t ever want to live it.
Greatest city there you found
Pulled itself out of the ground –
Dalaran’d rather float around!
Half the mountains burning.
Undead plague is churning.
I’ll take kingdom Theramore
(Well, till it ain’t there no more).JAINA, TYRANDE, and SHANDRIS:
I like to be here in Kalimdor.
So much to see here in Kalimdor.
Make the orcs flee out of Kalimdor!VARIAN:
Horde burning trees there in Kalimdor.
JAINA:
Winterspring sledding is so fun!
SHAW:
Look for a flight path – there ain’t none!
SHANDRIS:
Vast tranquil plains under blue sky.
VARIAN:
Barrens chat: listen once, you’ll cry.
JAINA:
Earn gold in Ratchet in Kalimdor.
FALSTAD:
Goblins will snatch it in Kalimdor!
TYRANDE:
Draenei chose to land in Kalimdor.
In the background, the Exodar flies by.
VARIAN: <pointing a thumb at the ship>
Velen just abandoned Kalimdor.
TYRANDE:
Historic places in Felwood.
VARIAN:
Illidan screwed that up real good.
JAINA:
Caverns of Time sifting sand, ha!
SHAW:
One slip and you’re your own grandma.
SHANDRIS:
Ysera greets you in Kalimdor!
FALSTAD:
Devilsaurs eat you in Kalimdor!
TYRANDE:
Night elves defiant in Kalimdor.
VARIAN:
Roaches are giant in Kalimdor.
JAINA:
Out to the forests – a fun romp!
SHAW:
Forests? You’re stuck in a damn swamp!
TYRANDE:
Titan creations in Uldum.
FALSTAD:
Those almost made the world go boom.
VARIAN:
So much frustration in Kalimdor.
Steak rules a nation in Kalimdor.
All your flirtation in Kalimdor!JAINA: <glares and draws a dagger>
You risk castration in Kalimdor.
VARIAN:
You should come back to Kul Tiras.
SHANDRIS:
Not on the map – do they fear us?
VARIAN:
Garrosh will strike if you don’t fly.
JAINA:
Yeah, sure, I’d like to see him try.
Blackout. The stage is illuminated again, gradually, by fiery light, revealing the interior of Blackrock Mountain. Mokvar enters, stage left, and walks amid the rubble and stone, looking around cautiously.
The stage lights become brighter as Mokvar nears center stage, illuminating, above, the balcony leading to Blackrock Spire. From the entrance to the spire, Deliana enters, looking down.
DELIANA: Mokvar!
MOKVAR: <looking up> Liana! Are you all right up there?
DELIANA: Other than a few bruises from the fifteen times I tried to hop over to this blasted balcony and missed? Peachy.
MOKVAR: Yeah, I’m not taking my chances. Knowing my luck I’m liable to fall in the lava.
DELIANA: Does anyone know you’re here?
MOKVAR: No. You can tell that by the fact that I am here, and not dead.
DELIANA: <nods> I had to sneak out as well… I suspect Varian would be none too pleased if he knew I was meeting you.
MOKVAR: I’m pretty sure “none too pleased” would be the best case scenario with Garrosh.
DELIANA: Have you found out anything?
MOKVAR: Nothing very much. I’ve had to be fairly careful with my asking around, so I haven’t been able to dig as much as I’d like. I know Malkorok turned up in Orgrimmar some months ago, and rose through the ranks quickly. But nobody seems to know where he came from. Well, other than the obvious.
DELIANA: <nods> I can’t understand how he won Garrosh’ trust so quickly.
MOKVAR: How did he win Rend’s?
DELIANA: And how did that work out?
MOKVAR: I know… What about you? Were you able to…?
DELIANA: Yes… <sighs>
MOKVAR: The fact that you’re stopping there tells me it’s bad news.
DELIANA: Not much to go on, but it doesn’t sound good. I was only able to make contact briefly, but…there have been spectral assassins here. Leaving the spire. For the first time in years…
MOKVAR: There’s…about half a dozen ways to account for that, and none of them are good.
DELIANA: I know.
MOKVAR: Anything else?
DELIANA: That’s it so far. <sigh> I’d really hoped this was over years ago.
MOKVAR: So did I.
DELIANA: I suppose you reap what you sow, though, don’t you…
MOKVAR: Yeah… Well, what’s done is done. Nothing to be done about it now.
DELIANA: I know. Still, I wish I could just go back in time sometimes.
MOKVAR: No, you don’t. Trust me. It’s more headaches than it’s worth.
DELIANA: What do we do now?
MOKVAR: I’ll try to call in a few more of my contacts…I’ve got a few people still who owe me favors. Check around too, if you can…
DELIANA: I will. I’ll find a way to contact you one way or another in the next day or two.
MOKVAR: Be careful. If the wrong people find out what we’re doing, they’re not going to care what it is we’re actually talking about.
DELIANA: I know. Watch out for yourself, Mokvar.
MOKVAR: Have been for years. Stay safe, Liana.
Liana nods, then waves, and disappears into the spire doorway. Mokvar watches her go, looks around uneasily, and exits, stage right.
After Mokvar leaves the stage, a low whooshing sound is heard. To the left side of the stage, near one of the large stone blocks, Garona unstealths. She peers across the stage to the right side, a look of concern on her face, then stealths again.
The curtain closes.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 2…}
The Roshy Horror Picture Show
Barnes walks back offstage following his introduction, as the ghostly audience applauds.
BARNES: Go no now, they’re waiting for you!
GARROSH: Um, the FUCK you say?
MOKVAR: Do you mean we’re supposed to…?
BARNES: As I said, your tale sounds like an intriguing one…
FARANELL: Ugh, I always hated school plays…
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, but…
BARNES: And if you want my help with your Malchezaar problem, you’re just going to have to help me with tonight’s audience!
GARROSH: You can’t seriously—
BARNES: Now don’t worry, the magic of the Opera House will help you along as you go.
GARROSH: But we—
BARNES: Now go on! There they are now, entertain them!
GARROSH: Ugh. Fine.
Garrosh sighs and reluctantly trudges out on stage, followed by the rest of the group. The audience applauds their arrival.
GARONA: <scanning the applauding crowd> I could get used to this, actually…
MOKVAR: So, uh, what are we supposed to do?
GARROSH: Beats me…
BARNES: <echoing from offstage> Oh, all right, I can see you have a touch of stage fright, so I’ll help get you started…
Music begins to play as an enormous, disembodied spectral mouth appears at the back of the stage and slowly floats forward.
GARROSH: <jumping away from the mouth as it moves up> The FUCK?!
{DEMON HUNTERS TRIPLE FEATURE}
PROLOGUE (a.k.a. THE LIPS):
Some adventurers came; they were not seeking fame,
But our audience would rejoice.
They knew axes and runes, not so much spinning tunes,
But our magic here would give them a voice.They came on a quest, ventured seeking to best
A demon that they call Malchezaar.
But their prey they can’t face, while he’s in Netherspace;
Why they seek him, well that’s quite bizarre.Demon hunters triple feature:
Spectral patrons will fill the bleachers.
Here one night only: Hordies singing!
Improv performances, they’ll be winging.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.It’s a perilous tale! Will our heroes prevail
As they journey the pathways of time?
At a dragon’s behest, everyone was impressed,
Though “Nozdormu” is a real bitch to rhyme.But as they went along, something went wrong,
You’ll see, just wait for the surprise!
For they found themselves trapped as the worlds overlapped –
Watch it unfold now in front of your eyes!Demon hunters triple feature:
Spectral patrons will fill the bleachers.
Here one night only: Hordies singing!
Improv performances, they’ll be winging.
Oh oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.
The stars will glow,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.
An hour or so,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.
So here we go,
Oh oh oh oh,
At the late night triple feature opera show.The ghostly mouth fades away. Garrosh and the others look back and forth awkwardly among themselves as the audience starts to murmur.
GARROSH: Yeah…so…
MOKVAR: What now?
BARNES: <offstage> You folks really aren’t used to performing, are you?
GARROSH: Yeah, how about I drop you into a battlefield with no prepping and see how YOU do, spooks.
BARNES: <sighs> Well, how did everything begin with this adventure of yours?
GARROSH: Well, Sylvanas reported this whole—
BARNES: Don’t tell me, tell them!
GARROSH: Oh. <turns to face the audience> Uh…yeah, so, Sylvanas came to me with this problem…
A ghostly likeness of Sylvanas Windrunner walks onstage and approaches Garrosh.
…and…well holy crap, look at that…
Music starts to swell again. Garrosh looks around in confusion.
SYLVANAS: Hail, Warchief!
GARROSH: Um…okay…
SYLVANAS: I’ve got something to ask…
GARROSH: Uh…yeah?
SYLVANAS:
…of your leadership, in which we bask.
But now, I fear, I must beg a task.GARROSH: This is…kinda weird…
{OH GOSH, GARROSH}
SYLVANAS:
We need your help now, son of Grommash!
LIADRIN and MOKVAR: <together, flatly>
(Garrosh.)
SYLVANAS:
You’re leading the Horde with such panache.
(Garrosh.)
That Theramore thing, we’ll just whitewash.
(Garrosh.)
So I need to tell you now,
Oh gosh, Garrosh,
We need you.The problem we have I know you’ll squash.
(Garrosh.)
Whoever’s behind it, you will quash.
(Garrosh.)
If you pull this off, Aka’Magosh!
(Garrosh.)
So I need to tell you now,
Oh gosh, Garrosh,
We need you.There is something killing the Forsaken
In Southshore – details are still vague.
Something magic, if I’m not mistaken.
Oh, but don’t fret, we weren’t making plague.Nope. No way. <glances around furtively>
GARROSH:
I asked for a contact; you said him.
(Edwin.)
This Faranell guy, with the dead grin.
(Edwin.)
Your Banshee Queen, she’s been beggin’.
(Edwin.)
So let’s get to work now, Doc,
Come in, Edwin,
I’ll save you.So, Edwin…
FARANELL:
Yeah? <looking disturbed to find himself singing> Oh gosh…
GARROSH:
Where to begin?
FARANELL:
Well…Garrosh…
GARROSH:
What to do?
One side of the stage fades into the likeness of old Southshore, while the other side takes on that of the Caverns of Time.
FARANELL:
We’re kind of screwed.
Here is what we’ve got to do…We’ll travel in time – really, no josh –
(Garrosh.)
To trace back this anti-plague death slosh.
(Garrosh.)
Once it’s found, I’ll put the kibosh.
(Garrosh.)
That covers it, I think, so
Oh gosh, Garrosh,
Time we flew.Oh gosh, Garrosh…
GARROSH:
Edwin, no chin.
FARANELL:
Hey! Gosh, Garrosh.
GARROSH and FARANELL: <looking increasingly uneasy with all of this>
Wow, that blew.
GARONA: So, hold on, how did you all know to…you know…sing that?
GARROSH: I just kind of DID…
FARANELL: That was…weird…
BARNES: <offstage> As I said, the Opera House glamours will help you along — now keep it going, you’re on a roll!
GARROSH: My dad never had to do any shit like this to kill fucking Mannoroth…
MOKVAR: Okay, so next…
LIADRIN: <turning to the audience> The mission to save the Forsaken in the past was a success…
The scenery on one side of the stage morphs from the appearance of Southshore to that of Orgrimmar.
…but when we returned, we found that the past had been altered…
GARONA: <looking around> Oh wow, this is freaky…
Around them, Orgrimmar flickers between its normal appearance and one torn by battle, with demons and Scourge running about.
MOKVAR: You should have been there when it was actually happening.
GARROSH: Right, so at that point…
Music begins to resonate through the hall.
DONTRAG: Uh, I think it’s starting again…
FARANELL: Aren’t we lucky…
{TIME WARP}
GARROSH:
Noz has spoken –
Time is broken,
All thanks to Faranell.
Now what’s left for me?LIADRIN:
Ask Soridormi.
MOKVAR:
Timelines have gone to hell.
FARANELL:
I remember
Being in Southshore
Up till that moment when
The blackness consumed me…GARROSH:
Now this future will doom me!
ALL:
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!FARANELL:
I took a turn to the left.
ALL:
It should have been to the right!
FARANELL:
Bad news, everyone!
ALL:
No Putricide in sight!
And now the surging Scourge
Invade us from Northrend.
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!LIADRIN:
It’s intriguing.
UTVOCH:
But mentally fatiguing…
LIADRIN:
With the demons blitzkrieging
We need a plan.GARROSH: <rushing in with Focusing Iris in hand>
Hey now, get out of my way!
We’re gonna fix up the timeways.
Hit the old Hillsbrad highways,
Back where it all began.FARANELL:
Now I’m feeling regretful…
MOKVAR:
Wait till you get forgetful:
Those gaps in memory now and then.GARROSH:
I see demons invadin’!
LIADRIN: <drawing the Ashbringer>
I got dibs on Kil’jaeden!
ALL:
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!FARANELL:
Well I was running down the street
Toward the Southshore inn,
Had to tag myselves “it”
Much to my chagrin.
She’d told me the plan
And she seemed strong and wise;
She had a blood elf’s shape
And a dragon’s eyes.
I pounced myself and I felt displaced –
Time convulsing, snapping back in place.ALL:
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!FARANELL:
I took a turn to the left.
ALL:
It should have been to the right!
FARANELL:
Bad news, everyone!
ALL:
The Legion joins the fight!
The fall of Orgrimmar –
It wasn’t if, but when.
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!FARANELL:
I took a turn to the left.
ALL:
It should have been to the right!
FARANELL:
Bad news, everyone!
ALL:
There’s nothing here that’s right!
We’ve got to fix this mess,
So turn the years back ten.
Let’s do the time warp again!
Let’s do the time warp again!Everyone collapses onto the floor for a moment as the lights dim, the surrounding scenery fades, and a dark curtain slides in close behind them. After a few seconds, they begin to rise to their feet.
DONTRAG: So wait, all that really happened?
UTVOCH: What have I been trying to tell you?
DONTRAG: Why don’t I remember any of it?
UTVOCH: Donty, the stuff you don’t remember we could just about crowbar into Razorwind Canyon.
GARROSH: Enough, you two!
LIADRIN: But, that pretty much covers everything important, doesn’t it?
A rhythmic bass line and drum beat can be heard in the background.
FARANELL: More or less.
GARONA: Why am I still hearing music, then?
GARROSH: Yeah, good question, shouldn’t it be show over at this point?
BARNES: <offstage> You’ll have to forgive me — while I was drawing on your memories for the show so far, well…there was just too much other great material to pass up!
MOKVAR: Oh no…
GARROSH: Oh crap, what have you people been remembering now?
A heavy guitar chord echoes through the hall as the dark curtain parts, and, from just behind Garrosh, Lor’themar Theron struts on stage, dressed in a full Black Mageweave set. (And no, not the male version.)
GARROSH: The FUCK?
{E-TRANSVESTITE}
LOR’THEMAR:
Greetings, orc-kind!
Hope you don’t mind
My dropping in for a call.
It’s always quite the same:
You forget my name –
I never once called you Thrall.Don’t get freaked out
By the way I look;
Don’t rush to judgments too early.
I’m not much of a man
In the daytime sun,
But online I’m one popular girly.I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.Could you show me around?
Maybe help get this mob down?
Think you could spare me a dollar?
Or is your interest waning
In more dungeon chaining?
If you change your mind, give me a holler.GARROSH:
Um, listen, dude,
I don’t mean to be rude.
I don’t want you throwing a fit.
You do your thing, fine,
Just…do it online.
No one needs to look at that shit.LOR’THEMAR:
So you don’t like the sight?
Well now, you just might
Have met, in your times epicurean,
One hot sexy avatar,
Says she’s from Astranaar –
That night elf’s real name might be Malfurion.I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.Why don’t you free up your mind?
You won’t be maligned.
Just try to enjoy the eye candy.
I mean nothing malicious
In looking so delicious –
But trusting noobs really are handy.I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.Hey! Hey!
I’m just an e-transvestite
From trade chat channel,
Playing Earth Online.So, log on to play,
And look with dismay
At those female toons you’ve been observing.
But you’ve got those blinders
While in Dungeon Finder,
So I’ll dispel the veil…but not your perving!As he delivers the last line, the curtain closes in front of him. The audience bursts into raucous applause.
GARROSH: Okay, what in the holy FUCK was THAT?
MOKVAR: Well, you did call him out for playing a female toon…
GARROSH: And also, THAT gets the ovation?
FARANELL: Personally, I thought my bridge was pretty good.
GARROSH: And a whole lot less discomforting…
Barnes walks out on stage with them.
BARNES: A hand for our performers, ladies and gentlemen!
The audience applauds more.
GARROSH: Okay, so we’re good now, right, spooks? Ready to set us up with this mystery in of yours?
BARNES: All in good time, sir.
GARROSH: Wait, what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?
BARNES: <grinning> Well as I said, sir, while I was casting the glamours, I took the liberty of poking around in some of your memories…and I’m afraid you all have far too much wonderful story material for me not to avail myself of the opportunity.
GARROSH: Um…WHAT?
BARNES: And we do still have another show to tend to after the intermission. You and your friends are welcome, of course, to take the opportunity to rest and refresh yourselves…
GARROSH: Intermission? What intermission?
BARNES: This one, sir. We’ll resume with a new tale soon.
The curtain closes to mounting applause.
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Garrosh Hellscream
The good thing about Karazhan is that most of the spooks and monsters got cleared out a long time ago, so getting around in there is pretty painless. Well, other than the fact that the place is fucking GIGANTIC. Seriously, you look at it from the outside and you’re like, “Okay, decent-sized creepy-ass castle,” and then you go inside and it’s like “HOLY CRAP, it did NOT look this big from out there.” No wonder Medivh hired a guy just to stand at the door and port people up, because I swear half of these old ghosts probably originally died from exhaustion just trying to get anywhere.
Lucky for us, the Opera House wasn’t that bad of a hike, especially with Garona with us to make sure we didn’t take any wrong turns. It’s a pretty impressive place – high ceilings, mosaics, a giant chandelier, an enormous pipe organ set up on the far side of the chamber. By the way, when we were first sizing the place up, I made the mistake of saying “enormous pipe organ,” which resulted in D&U taking seven full minutes to snicker like retarded fourteen year olds, until Liadrin told them to go sit in the corner until they could get their sit together.
Anyway, we went backstage, and eventually made our way around to the side door to the stage. That’s where we found Barnes, the ghostly stage manager.
BARNES: Ah, greetings, all of you! Are you the new actors?
GARROSH: Uh, yeah, not so much there, scooter.
BARNES: Oh? A pity. You clearly have the strong jawline of a leading man.
MOKVAR: Probably easy to pull that off when his face is half jaw.
FARANELL: Sure, rub it in.
GARROSH: You know, I’m not above leaving a couple extra ghosts here as a tip.
LIADRIN: <aside to Faranell> You were right. It does become rather entertaining after a while.
BARNES: Well then, ladies and gentlemen, might I ask what brings you to our humble theater?
GARROSH: To tell you the truth, Barnes, it’s kind of a long story…
DONTRAG: We’re trying to kill the most imperial and despicuous demon Malchazan—
UTVOCH: I think you mean “despicable”…
DONTRAG: —who we need to kill before he can—
UTVOCH: And it’s Malazaar, I think.
DONTRAG: Will you stay out of it, Ut? I know what I’m saying!
UTVOCH: Maybe so, but nobody else—
Garrosh grabs Dontrag and Utvoch, smacks their heads together, and drops them onto the floor.
GARROSH: …and there’s pretty much zero chance of getting the short version if we let those two get rolling.
GARONA: Why do you even bring them places if you’re just going to treat them like that?
GARROSH: Good point. Related question: Why do I keep bringing YOU places?
MOKVAR: That’s actually a fairly good blanket question.
BARNES: So…erm…sir… I surmise your business here involves Prince Malchezaar in the tower…
FARANELL: This one doesn’t miss much.
BARNES: But, um… I’m not sure I understand why that would bring you here to the Opera House, sir, rather than to the upper levels.
GARROSH: <sigh> Right. Well, the thing of it is, we need to find a way to get Malchezaar DOWN from the top floor, otherwise our…business with him won’t take.
BARNES: <grins> Ah, so you’re aware of the peculiar nature of the Netherspace, eh, sir?
GARROSH: We’re in the know, yeah.
BARNES: If I might ask, then, sir…is there a particular reason why you feel the need to kill the demon permanently? He seems perfectly contained up there, and in a fairly out-of-the-way location.
GARROSH: Because we know the Burning Legion stashed up there for safekeeping, until they’re ready to crack him out. We want to make sure they don’t get the chance to.
BARNES: Really… And…how do you know this, sir?
Garrosh exchanges looks with Liadrin and Mokvar.
MOKVAR: Because we’ve seen what happens when they DO get him out.
BARNES: <grins> Now…that sounds like an interesting tale.
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s kind of where the “long story” part kicks in.
BARNES: I wouldn’t mind the abbreviated version, sir.
LIADRIN: Caverns of Time, closed causality loop, accidental historical disruption, quantum reality splintering, demons in Orgrimmar, temporal incursion to re-seal trans-dimensional cracks. You know, the usual. Did I miss anything?
GARROSH: …Head hurts.
BARNES: Maybe…not quite that abbreviated, ma’am. Or…technical.
DONTRAG: <slowly getting up> I think I followed the “demons” part, kind of…
GARROSH: Anyway, the point is that we need a way to get Malchezaar out of his storage box up there, and we hear tell you theater types have some summoning mojo working for you down here.
BARNES: Well, we do have some fairly considerable summoning spells here, sir…
GARROSH: There we go, let’s fire it up, then, and—
BARNES: …but those mainly consist of drawing images from the mind, I’m afraid, not actual physical summoning.
GARROSH: Is it just an Azeroth thing? You people saving the “no” part until after you’ve gotten everyone thinking “yes”?
BARNES: Still… I think I may be of some help to you, sir.
GARROSH: <pauses> There isn’t a “but” coming here, is there?
BARNES: Sir?
GARROSH: Never mind. I’m listening.
BARNES: While I can’t personally do anything to help with the Malcheazaar matter…
GARROSH: <rolling eyes> “But.”
BARNES: …there are certain other…sources of magical power on the premises that I could connect you with through the Opera House.
GARROSH: Well what are we waiting for, spooks? Hook us up.
BARNES: Ah, but sir, first there is still a floor show for me to tend to.
GARROSH: Uh, dude, priorities? This is actually kind of real-life important here.
BARNES: Oh, I understand, sir. But you know the old saying: The show must go on!
Barnes opens the door next to him and walks out on stage.
GARROSH: The hell is this about a floor show?
MOKVAR: In an empty house?
FARANELL: In the middle of the night?
As Barnes reaches center stage, hundreds of ghostly patrons appears in the Opera House seats and begin applauding. A spotlight appears over Barnes.
BARNES: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this evening’s presentation! Tonight, we present a special traveling troupe of performers to regale you with a terrifying tale of a world gone awry! How did it begin? Where will it end? All this and more will be revealed, as our guests find themselves stranded in an ominous castle deep into the night!
And now: On with the show!
{THE CURTAIN RISES AT MIDNIGHT EST…}
Magical mystery tour
Now that things have quieted down around here – granted, not quite as successfully as I might have liked – I’m finally getting around to a bit of business I’ve had in the back of my mind ever since that whole mess with the overlapping timelines. See, if you remember, one of the reasons the Burning Legion was able to take out Orgrimmar so easily was that they had Prince Malchezaar tucked away in Karazhan, in that time-loopy Netherspace, so they could crack him out whenever they needed him and have him use one of Medivh’s old spellbooks to port them right in on top of us. Which, if you remember, wasn’t exactly a fun time for the good guys.
Now granted, that timeline never happened for us now, but one thing that’s come out of it is that NOW, I know what Malchezaar is actually doing up there in Karazhan – basically sitting there in storage, on a permanent death-then-respawn loop, until the Legion turns up and needs him. Which, by the way, I’ve got to say, as much as I hate the demons, that’s a job that has to take some stones to sign up for. Assuming Malchezaar had any choice in the matter. But can you imagine that? Committing yourself to dying over and over, just to come back and die some more? Can you imagine how much someone would have to believe in the cause to go along with something like that, and stick to it even after X number of go-rounds?
Anyway, point is, now I know what Malchezaar is doing there, and just importantly, I’ve seen first-hand the threat he could pose to the Horde. So I think it’s high time we made it our business to neutralize that threat. The one trick, though, is that we can’t just go up to the Netherspace where Malchezaar is hiding and kill him there – then he would just pop back up again as soon as the time loop resets. Nothing accomplished there. So we’ve got to find a way to get him down from there first.
And before you go suggesting one of us should go up there, shoot him, then take off down the stairs so he’ll chase us till he’s out of the Netherspace…come on. Malchezaar’s a poncy fucker, sure, but he’s not a damn idiot. He knows that as long as he’s up there he’s safe, and as soon as he leaves he’s vulnerable. So I’ve got to figure he’d be smart enough to leash back to his home base as soon as he sees what we’re doing. So we’ll have to come up with another way to yank him down from there.
But, bottom line – we’re going to Karazhan.
Since part of the mission is going to be finding or improvising a way to get Malchezaar down from the Netherspace, and it’s hard to say just what we’ll be up against in the process, I’m bringing a decent team with me. And since the mission is largely based on what we learned in that other timeline, I’m first and foremost bringing the people who’ll remember that timeline with me: Mokvar, Liadrin, Faranell, and Utvoch.
Side note, speaking of which: I’ve talked to Mokvar and Liadrin since the whole time fiasco, and from what I gather, those of us who had gone on the original Southshore mission – the ones who were still aware of our original timeline when we started shifting into the other one – can still remember everything that happened with the two realities. Mokvar remembers shifting back and forth with me. Liadrin remembers becoming leader of the Argent Crusade and bearer of the Ashbringer. Etc., etc. Other than us, no one seems to remember anything strange happening – it’s as if the second timeline never existed for them. Which, in a way, it didn’t, now.
I’m not exactly sure what Edwin’s perception of everything would be at this point, what with him being in kind of a unique position. I’ll have to remember to ask him about that before we finish up with this.
Anyway, that’s the bulk of the group. Since Utvoch is coming, I’m also letting him bring Dontrag along, because (a) Dontrag whined enough about not getting to come along last time, (b) the two of them are hard enough to separate under the best of circumstances, and (c) bringing one of them but not the other would require someone to figure out which of them is which, and let’s face it, that’s a crap shoot most of the time any way you cut it.
I’m also having Garona come with us, since she spent a fair amount of time in Karazhan back in the day, not to mention she had kind of an in with Medivh. Or should I said, Medivh had…you know what? Never mind. She might read this, and I don’t need the headaches.
Meanwhile, while we’re off doing our thing in Karazhan, I’m leaving Malkorok to oversee the ongoing preparations for battle with the Alliance. That and pay a little visit to Neeru Fireblade in the Cleft of Shadow. Related loose ends.
So, I contacted everyone, and we all met up this morning in Stonard, then flew over to Karazhan. When we first arrived, we found a roost for gryphons outside the upper tower, and we were going to leave our mounts there until we realized, hey, there’s actually no way to get DOWN from there once the mounts are settled, and also, who the hell sets up of flight point like that, seriously?
FARANELL: Well, Medivh was probably thinking, if you can’t get down easily enough with Slow Fall, that’s your own fault for not having the good sense to be a mage.
Oh, shut up, Doc. Of course Mokvar never misses a word of the smartassing when it happens.
Anyway, Garona remembered that there were stables just inside the gate, so we brought our mounts in with us to stash there. While everyone was getting their wyverns and bats and (ugh) dragonhawks secured, Mortimer went sniffing around the stables – he doesn’t take too well to being strapped down anyplace, but he’s good enough about staying where he’s supposed to be that I usually let him wander. While he was poking around, he found this ghostly horse in the back area – all spooky-looking with glowing eyes and flaming hooves. The two of them took a couple minutes to check each other out, and then each of them seemed to decide that the other was okay. When I came around to check on them, the horse apparently took a liking to me and started following me around until we strapped it into one of the pens. So, yeah, another mount to add to the collection. Whoopee.
Once we were done in the stables, we came back out to the foyer, where we found Berthold, Medivh’s old doorman, standing by the main stairway. Or, well, the GHOST of Berthold. Man, I don’t know what kind of contract some of these servants had with Medivh, but it must have been a doozy – they don’t even get to check out when they fucking DIE. These people really should have joined a union or something.
Anyway, Berthold managed to get us going in a possible right direction…
BERTHOLD: Ah, excellent! Greetings, all! The master hasn’t had guests in so terribly long!
FARANELL: Do you think that maybe that could be because he’s dead?
GARROSH: Heh. You’ve got a point, Doc.
MOKVAR: To be fair, so is this guy.
BERTHOLD: Goodness…could it be…Garona?
GARONA: Hey, Berthold. Long time no see.
GARROSH: Oh, that’s right, you would have known this guy from way back when…
BERTHOLD: I remember your son coming here not so long ago, Garona… But surely, he couldn’t really be your son! You couldn’t be old enough to be the mother of a boy his age.
GARONA: I see you’re a flatterer as always, Berthold.
BERTHOLD: I only speak the truth, my lady. Time has stood still for you.
GARROSH: Seriously?
GARONA: What’s that supposed to mean?
GARROSH: Never mind. Forget it.
GARONA: Just because I have a grown son doesn’t mean I’m ancient, you know!
MOKVAR: Oh boy, here we go again.
GARONA: It’s always the same with you, isn’t it? If a woman isn’t jailbait…
GARROSH: Remind me again how old you were when you paired off with old graybeard Medivh?
GARONA: …What does that have to do with anything?
GARROSH: Well hey, if I’m going to take crap about liking ’em young, I’m just wondering how far into the shallow end of the pool Mr. Last Guardian was dipping.
GARONA: Fine – I happened to have a thing for older men at the time, okay? Are you happy now?
GARROSH: Uh huh. And how much older are we talking?
GARONA: I don’t see how that’s important!
GARROSH: Hey, doorman dude.
BERTHOLD: Yes sir?
GARROSH: How long HAS it been since you’ve seen little miss charm school here?
BERTHOLD: Well, sir…
GARONA: You don’t have to answer that, Berthold.
GARROSH: GO ON.
BERTHOLD: About…twenty-five years, sir? Give or take?
GARONA: <sigh>
GARROSH: Uh huh. And by your best count, how old was Medivh at the time?
BERTHOLD: About fifty, sir. As best as I can figure.
GARROSH: <smirking at Garona victoriously> Oh yeah. He loved you for your mind, I’m sure.
LIADRIN: Don’t listen to him, Garona. I think you look lovely.
GARONA: Oh you stay out of this, twiggy.
LIADRIN: I… <blinks> Okay, then…
FARANELL: That moment when you realize Garrosh may actually possess preternatural patience.
DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, Warchief?
FARANELL: Case in point.
GARROSH: Yes, Utvoch? I assume this is… <sighs> …important?
DONTRAG: Um, well, I’m actually Dontrag, sir.
UTVOCH: I’m Utv—
GARROSH: Both of you.
DONTRAG and UTVOCH: Yes sir?
GARROSH: How long have I known you?
MOKVAR: I’m assuming you want something more specific than “too long.”
DONTRAG: About a year now, sir?
GARROSH: And in the past year, can you tell me one thing I’ve done or said that suggested to you that I gave so much as half a shit which of you is which?
UTVOCH: No, sir.
DONTRAG: Not really, sir.
GARROSH: Okay then. So what were you going to ask, Utvoch?
DONTRAG: But I’m Dontr—OWW!!
GARROSH: Half a shit, not given. The question.
DONTRAG: <rubbing his head> Uh, well…it wasn’t anything important, sir.
GARROSH: Yeah, like I couldn’t have guessed that from the get-go. Moving on.
GARONA: You’re so mean sometimes.
GARROSH: You want to see mean, grandma?
GARONA: I don’t know why I keep trying to help—
LIADRIN: Not to interrupt…but might we try to focus on what we came here for?
GARROSH: Yeah, good point. So…
GARONA: Oh sure, listen to her.
GARROSH: MOVING ON.
FARANELL: I really should have brought popcorn.
GARROSH: Okay, so Berthold, you’ve been watching the door here for how long?
BERTHOLD: Oh goodness, sir, longer than I can remember. Ages.
GARROSH: So you were here when Malchezaar and the other demons arrived some years back.
BERTHOLD: Yes, sir. Malchezaar, Illhoof, a few others.
MOKVAR: Um, just thinking out loud here, but if you’re the doorman, wouldn’t it be your job to, say, not let those guys in?
BERTHOLD: Well, I suppose, sir…in theory…but, well…I am a ghost.
GARROSH: And?
BERTHOLD: Well…I couldn’t really do much to stop them, what with my being noncorporeal and all.
GARROSH: Uh, what about like the zillion and five ghosts that I’ve had attack me in places like this?
FARANELL: Speaking from personal experience, I’ve never let being dead stop me from smacking someone down if need be.
GARROSH: See?
FARANELL: I mean, that’s just about standards.
BERTHOLD: I…well…um, I don’t know what to tell you, sir…
GARROSH: Okay, first, we’ll just update your title from “doorman” to “doormat” and move on. So when you’re not doing a bang-up job on house security, what DO you do?
BERTHOLD: Well, mostly I port people to the upper levels of the tower, sir.
MOKVAR: Sounds like an exciting life.
LIADRIN: Hmm, Berthold?
BERTHOLD: Yes, ma’am?
LIADRIN: Since you have the ability to use porting magic, is there any chance you could do the reverse? Summon someone from elsewhere in the tower to here?
BERTHOLD: I’m afraid not, ma’am. I’m not sure anyone but the master possessed that kind of power over the premises here, at least not without special enhancements.
GARROSH: Enhancements, like what?
BERTHOLD: Well, for instance, sir, I believe there was a summoning circle off of one of the libraries that Illhoof used to use…
MOKVAR: Probably only good for pulling demons from the Twisted Nether…
BERTHOLD: …or there’s the Opera House, where the performers can summon…well, all manner of things, from what I hear. Glamours mostly, I suppose, but one never knows with those theater types.
GARROSH: Huh. What do you magic types think?
FARANELL: Hard to say without seeing what they have going on there.
MOKVAR: Sounds like it’s mostly smoke and mirrors, really, but I’m not sure what else to suggest.
GARONA: Medivh might have had some relics in the upper chambers that we could use, but I’m not sure, and we’d have to go past the Opera House regardless…
GARROSH: Okay, sounds like we have something to go check on, anyway.
BERTHOLD: Very good, sir. When you go, please do give my best to Barnes, the stage manager. It’s been ages since I’ve seen him.
GARROSH: Huh. Not for anything, but if you’re, like, Mr. Portal Guy, why couldn’t you port yourself up there to pay him a visit?
BERTHOLD: I…goodness…now that you mention it, sir, I don’t see why not…
GARROSH: Yeah, see?
BERTHOLD: Why…I could portal myself…anywhere in the castle… <eyes widening> Ghost concubines, here I come!
Berthold waves his hand and teleports away.
GARROSH: Huh.
MOKVAR: He could have at least offered to send us to the Opera House first.
GARONA: You men are all alike. Even when you’re dead.
Okay, so, kind of a surprise ending there, but at least we’ve got a possible lead or two. We’re making our way to the Opera House now, so with any luck we’ll dig up something useful. If not, well, we’ve got a giant creepy haunted castle full of stuff to go rifling through. Sounds like a recipe for success to me.
Stay tuned.
“Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Eugene. (Eugene who?) You, Jean, and I would make a lovely couple, don’t you think, Susan?”
Surprises from the land down under
So after the last few days, I decided I needed to relax and blow off a little steam, so I locked myself away upstairs for some gaming time, and…well…see for yourself.
You have logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I’m just about to start on the outback now
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] did you get the bread crumb quest to alice springs?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, chief
[Guild][Lorthemar] Hail, Garrosh!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi garrosh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey guys
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what’s up, boss?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh and hi, lorthemar
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] are you new?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh, doing okay, I guess
[Guild][Lorthemar] Erm, no…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just need to destress a little
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’ve been in this guild for months.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Why do people keep asking me that?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh okay
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] anyway, garona, when you start questing in the outback, just watch out for the dingo packs
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Sydney Opera House]!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re bad news, huh?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] grats!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all! ^_^
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And greetings, Warchief. My apologies for being a bit distracted. I was focused on an instance.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah gayle, they just turn up out of nowhere and swarm you
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, that’s right, I forgot all about the expansion!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ugh great – well thanks for the warning
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] How are you guys liking Australia?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I take back all the jokes I made about it.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the new zones are gorgeous!
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] they really did a nice job on it from what I’ve seen so far
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] BQ’s leaving us all in the dust, though
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] she’s level 60 already
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh wow
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, I needed something to occupy myself with while many of you were going about the much more important work of fighting for the glory of the Horde.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi prof
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Shining success that it was.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Edwin.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You could always put in a little time tracking down what happened to Koltira Deathweaver, you know
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, there’s the doc
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] His whereabouts *are* indeed a mystery, I will grant.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] That’s good, I’d meant to check up on him after the dust settled
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hiya prof
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know, make sure he was still there and okay
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief? Why would Faranell not be okay? He’s been here in the Undercity the whole time, nowhere near the conflicts in the Barrens and Dustwallow.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello all
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey doc, how goes?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hmm
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, good point, Sylvanas…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] have I mentioned how much I love this new aoe looting?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it goes.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh man, yeah, that’s great.
[Guild][Lorthemar] That was indeed a superb addition.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hell yeah, is that active finally?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yup
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think it’s time for me to get out there and have a look
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Going into the new zone cinematic, so I’ll be quiet for a few
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] So Edwin, everything okay down in the Apothecarium?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Enjoy, Warchief. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it’s fine.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Fairly quiet, since, as the good doctor will surely confirm, there’s little going on there other than routine defensive research.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless you count all the plague, yeah.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Proudleslie] has logged on.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Your…droll sense of humor is amusing as always, doctor. A fine jest indeed.
[Guild][Proudleslie] oh man what a week i’ve had
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if you say so.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings!
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh no
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Isn’t that…?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah
[Guild][Proudleslie] hi everyone
[Guild][Proudleslie] it’ll be good to unwind here a little
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This isn’t going to be pretty, is it?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] nope
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] have you had a chance to get started on australia yet, leslie?
[Guild][Proudleslie] just the first night
[Guild][Proudleslie] i pulled a late nighter and managed to get a couple levels
[Guild][Proudleslie] then i had a bunch of stuff blow up on me rl
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Sounds very hectic, Leslie…
[Guild][Proudleslie] and now i have this new job so
[Guild][Proudleslie] yea it really is
[Guild][Proudleslie] brb afk
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hb
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh HO, look at this! I just found one of those rare koala pets!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg jealous!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but yay!
[Guild][Lorthemar] It is a cute little thing. A bit odd looking, but…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so that’s done
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wb
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so you’re in sydney now?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah…have a bunch of quests to do
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the one with the wombat is kind of tough
[Guild][Proudleslie] ok back
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, well here we go
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wb leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome back, both of you!
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh boy
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] here we go
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Uh, YEAH here we go
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So…just to make sure I’m not mixing this up with some alternate reality or something
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] is that who I think it is?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, it’s jaina
[Guild][Proudleslie] thanks gayle
[Guild][Proudleslie] thanks lorthemar
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome back, Leslie. Good to see you again.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Question #2
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] WHY IS SHE STILL IN THE FUCKING GUILD
[Guild][Proudleslie] thanks livin
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I hope things have settled down for you a bit.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I don’t think anyone has seen her on since last time
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] and the whole thing with varian
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, if I may…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I guess nobody bothered to go back and gkick her while she was offline.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And also why the hell are you being all buddy buddy with her, Sylvanas?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A suggestion, Garrosh?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s actually part of my suggestion.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What suggestion, to be friends with our enemies, especially the ones who completely torpedoed what should have been a decisive win for the Horde?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Because apparently, we’re running Heroic Bizarro World in real life now?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or are you throwing in with Baine and Vol’jin to commemorate Hey Everybody Let’s All Piss Off Garrosh Week?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] That’s only a week?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, please hear me out.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh trust me, I’m all ears
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Consider for a moment: it’s precisely *because* Jaina has proven such a thorn in the Horde’s side that we should consider keeping her in the guild.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Because…?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ll get another virus queued up, just in case…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Recall the old adage, Warchief: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] By all appearances, Jaina does not realize who we are. I can’t imagine why Varian wouldn’t have told her, but then, considering Varian’s evident mental acuity, I suppose anything is possible.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] In any case, we have here among us a high-ranking member of the Alliance, who we know to have Varian’s ear, and will likely be privy to a great many of their plans, not to mention whichever ones she might be involved in personally.
[Guild][Proudleslie] huh its gotten all quiet
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If we can keep her around, we might be able to use it to our advantage, to ply inside information from her about our enemies’ movements.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’d tried to make this same suggestion to you a few months ago when we discovered Varian had joined the guild, but you kicked him before I could make my point.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But this time, Warchief, please, consider the possibilities here.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I have to admit, it’s a pretty smart idea.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re talking in officer chat
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m already working on befriending her. We don’t need to do anything other than allow her to stay around, while we watch for openings.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I understand that you’re angry about the recent setbacks, but think of the benefit we might gain from this, with hardly any risk of loss on our part.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh… Okay, you know what, that actually IS pretty smart
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So, yeah, okay, let her stick around
[Guild][Proudleslie] oh
[Guild][Proudleslie] about what?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll bite my tongue
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, Warchief. I promise you won’t regret this.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We’ll just have to make sure nobody slips up and gives away who’s actually in the guild
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] most people have been getting pretty good about rl stuff
[Guild][Lorthemar] Probably me.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, well, hopefully we’ll get something useful out of this
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Meanwhile, let me get back to leveling
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i should get going actually.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see everyone soon.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye prof
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.
[Guild][Proudleslie] bye profhubert
[Guild][Proudleslie] bah too slow
[Guild][Proudleslie] oh hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ?
[Guild][Proudleslie] since most of the officers are on, could i get a guild invite for my bf?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re not going to be cybering him in guild chat, are you?
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg
[Guild][Proudleslie] i’m so so so embarrassed about that
[Guild][Proudleslie] i’m so sorry, it wont happen again i promise
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Also, she has a boyfriend now? Since when?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Beats me.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And who is it?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I don’t really keep up with celebrity gossip.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Working on it…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, sure, Leslie, just as soon as I’m out of combat here
[Guild][Proudleslie] ok
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it’s ok, leslie, i’ll get him, just whisper me the name?
[Guild][Proudleslie] ok! ty
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, well this is interesting…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m trying not to press for too much information, obviously…
[HonaleePuff] has joined the guild.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] One moment.
[Guild][Proudleslie] hi sweetie!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome puff
[Guild][HonaleePuff] THANKS EVERYONE
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whoa don’t yell!
[Guild][HonaleePuff] WHAT?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh good, he’s a caps-talker to boot.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] people still do that?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the caps, it’s like you’re yelling
[Guild][Proudleslie] thats just his deep sexy booming voice heehee
[Guild][HonaleePuff] LOL
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, you weren’t kidding about this wombat thing
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The damn thing’s killed me twice now
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see I told you
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg i hated that thing
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did we ever find out who this guy is, by the way?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I have a strong suspicion based on what she’s told me…
[Guild][Lorthemar] Would you like a hand, sir?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] That would be great, thanks
[Guild][Lorthemar] Happy to be of help! Send me an invite?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Incoming
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And that would be…?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Got it! I’ll be there in just a moment.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m pretty sure that he’s Kalecgos.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whoa
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok everyone, I need to go for a while
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Wait, you mean the Aspect of Magic Kalecgos?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well, not anymore
[Guild][Lorthemar] Farewell!
[Guild][Proudleslie] bye gayle
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Well yeah, but he was.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] for like ten minutes
[Guild][HonaleePuff] BYE
[Garona | Nightengayle] has logged off.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So wait…how sure are you about this?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Quite sure, actually. Based on what she’s said, and a few bits and pieces I’ve picked up from my own sources.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well, that settles it
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] She’s officially run out of mammals
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -Sigh-
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh yikes, yeah, I didn’t think of that. I didn’t know Jaina was a scaley…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well you kind of had to figure nothing was off the table with her
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ugh scalies creep me out.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh, like you wouldn’t do Alexstrasza if you had the chance
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Who could blame him, really? I wish I had her body.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You kind of do. Like, exactly.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, Mokvar…I think.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just don’t start going all Bragor on her now, Mokvar
[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, here I am!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -Shudder-
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Don’t remind me. I’ve been starting to wear parkas during his shifts…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Uh, dude…
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes? Is something wrong, sir?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s up with your toon?
[Guild][Lorthemar] What about it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It’s kind of a girl
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t know if you’ve noticed
[Guild][Lorthemar] Um, yes, I know, sir… Is that a problem?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So…you play a female toon?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes…?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] To be fair, he IS a blood elf. He pretty much plays a female toon in RL too…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, dude, fine, whatever works for you
[Guild][Proudleslie] thats actually pretty smart
[Guild][Proudleslie] you would be AMAZED how willing guys are to help when you have a female avatar
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s actually quite true…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, well whatever, let’s just kill this damn wombat
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Also to be fair, whose ass would YOU rather look at for 60 levels?
[Guild][Proudleslie] haha well if you’re asking ME…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Too…many…jokes…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heh.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -Sigh- again.
[Guild][Lorthemar] There we go!
[Guild][Lorthemar] See, pretty painless with the two of us.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thanks, man
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] or…whatever
[Guild][Lorthemar] Any time, sir.
[Guild][HonaleePuff] OUCH
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg sweetie what killed you?
[Guild][HonaleePuff] SOME PACK OF DOGS
[Guild][HonaleePuff] THYE JUST FLATTENED ME
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ohhhh the dingoes got you
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg dingoes ate my baby!
[Guild][Proudleslie] its ok i can rez you
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So Leslie, I’m curious, how long have you and Puff been together?
[Guild][HonaleePuff] NOT VERY LONG REALLY
[Guild][Proudleslie] nope not long at all
[Guild][Proudleslie] we only got together this past week
[Guild][Proudleslie] but it feels like we’ve know each other for ages
[Guild][HonaleePuff] : )
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, well congratulations to you both, then. I hope you’ll be very happy.
[Guild][Proudleslie] ty
[Guild][Proudleslie] its just funny too, b/c just a couple weeks ago i was talking to my friend
[Guild][Proudleslie] and he just got married not too long ago
[Guild][Proudleslie] and he was telling me how life would be much better if i found someone to share it with
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Gee, I wonder who THAT could be
[Guild][Proudleslie] and a few days later here he was!
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s very sweet indeed.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And not at all contrived in its timing.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Also, seriously, Thrall’s spending his time now dropping by to tell Jaina she needs to get herself a man?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or, I guess, to narrow it down to one and settle down?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Watch, he’s become one of those people who get married and then feel like everybody else needs to get married too.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You know, misery loves company.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No no, I’ll tell you exactly what that is
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thrall’s been dropping by to hang out with Jaina
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Only now, he’s got a wife pulling him aside when he gets home, like, “So hey, what exactly is the deal with the blonde chick you’re spending all this time with?”
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] “Who I was hearing things about, like, all the way out in Nagrand”
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And so I’ll bet you anything, Thrall was like, “Okay, I have to get this chick hooked up so the missus gets off my ass”
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heh, yeah, wife aggro.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And seriously
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] If he didn’t want wife aggro, I mean, come on
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He fucking married a woman NAMED Aggro, pretty much
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] aggra aggro?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Anyway
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I need to get going
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have a meeting with Malkorok
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have to run for a while, guys
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have fun
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh joy…
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] later boss
[Guild][Proudleslie] bye pwn
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, sir.
You have logged off.
