Monthly Archives: November 2012

They grow up so fast


Yesterday I ended up sneaking out of the war room to drop by the Orgrimmar orphanage. It was Gurtash’s birthday — he’s fourteen now, can you believe it? — so I thought I’d treat him to a little hunting trip. Hopefully this would go a little less WTFly than that last fishing trip.

We took the zeppelin to Grom’gol in Stranglethorn. (Have to admit, as we pulled up to the docking tower I took a minute to look around the base and enjoy the fact that we were still there in full force.) From there, we spent most of the day wandering around the jungle hunting tigers, panthers, raptors, a few crocolisks. None of the animals in STV pose any kind of a threat to me, obviously, but I figured they’d be a decent challenge for Gurtash. Turns out, the kid’s actually pretty decent with an axe. I mean, the animals out in Nagrand would make mincemeat of him, but for a kid his age he’s not bad at all. I tried showing him a few extra tricks while we were out there — gotta say, after a couple dozens panthers’ worth of practice, he was getting pretty good at the old “heroic leap away then charge in to stun your target” move.

Since we were locked into hunting mode, I figured we should drop by the Nesingwary camp while we were in the neighborhood, but as it turns out, Hemet Jr. was nowhere to be seen. I guess he took off with the old man a couple weeks ago. Who knows, maybe Hemet Sr. will teach the kid a thing or two and he’ll finally stop being such a clueless fuck-up legacy kid.

While we were wandering around the jungle late in the afternoon, you’ll never guess who Gurtash and I ran into — Ji Firepaw and a few of his junior panda trainees. I guess he had taken them out to STV to get some hunting practice themselves, only now the bunch of them were busy digging some big hole in the ground. When I asked what it was for, Ji said they were setting a trap for a heffalump them were tracking. Which led to my next question: What the fuck is a heffalump? Based on how Ji described them, they sounded kind of like elekks. So I was quick to point out that, you know, elekks are native to Draenor, and so unless there are some dismounted draenei running around here, I’m thinking there wasn’t any such thing in the neighborhood. I tried to explain this to Ji, but all he had to say on the matter was “You can never tell with heffalumps.”

Still, Ji and the Panda Brigade seemed pretty full-on certain that there WAS a bunch of these heffalump things on the loose, and that they’d been tracking them through the jungle, so fine. I asked them to show us the tracks, so they took us to a nearby spot where, sure enough, there were tracks…of the pudgy bear-paw-looking variety. And so Ji went on and on about how they followed one set of tracks through the jungle, and after a while they were joined by more, so they figured there had to be more of these heffalumps grouping up. Maybe to raid ZG, who knows. And while they were explaining all this, mind you, there were taking Gurtash and me around following the tracks…until eventually we’d wandered around in a circle all the way back to where we first found them, and right at that point Ji and the others had a little mini-shitfit, because HOLY CRAP look at that MORE TRACKS. And just…yeah. These guys are for sure going to be difference-makers in this war.

So I finally convinced the pandas to give up on the whole heffalump thing, and we all headed back to Orgrimmar. The pandas tagged along while I brought Gurtash back to the orphanage, because I made the mistake of mentioning it was Gurtash’s birthday, and it took the pandas all of 2.3 seconds to do the mental math that led them to OMG CAKE. To be fair, Ji seemed to hit it off pretty well with Matron Battlewail — the two of them went on chatting for a good long while — and the pandas in general were a pretty big hit with the kids, especially the younger ones.

While I was there, Gurtash showed me a project he was working on for his leatherworking class — a really badass set of flight armor for Mortimer, complete with a heavy-duty embossed harness (just like the one I put on my Winter’s Veil list last year that FOR SOME REASON NOBODY GOT ME) and a headpiece with these big, nasty-looking horns sticking out of it. Really nice job, I’ve got to say, although I’m not sure why they’ve got the kid learning leatherworking when he’s obviously cut out to be a warrior. But whatever.

So that was my day. Gotta say, it’s always nice to have these days away from the war room with Gurtash, not least of all because he actually manages to show a little appreciation, as opposed to the complainers and ingrates I’m usually surrounded by. It’s actually gotten me thinking — Gurtash has been coming around helping with Mortimer and such for almost a year now…maybe it would be a good thing for both of us if he were around all the time. He’s been stuck over at the orphanage since before the Cataclysm…maybe it’s time the kid had a real home again. I don’t know, what do you say? Think I would make a good dad?

Don’t let my legendary axe or legions of heavily armed enforcers influence your answer there at all, by the way.


Don’t say I never gave you anything


It’s been a while since I treated you all to a little EPIC VERSE, so here, a little tidbit to help fill the horrible void of your futile lives of not being me:


There once was a human whose parryin’
Couldn’t hold back the axe that I’m carryin’;
To flee from a beating
He ran off retreating,
To which I’ll just say: Fuck you, Varian.




Oh and hey, don’t forget to vote on Krog’s ongoing investigation in Pandaria — I’ll be sending new orders off to him soon.



Oh bother


You know how, after Pilgrim’s Bounty, you always wind up having so much leftover turkey and stuffing and whatnot that you look in your kitchen and think, “How am I EVER going to eat all this stuff?” And then the answer ends up being that you eat that shit for every meal every day until you get so sick of it you swear you’re never going to eat turkey again for as long as you live?

Yeah, well let me tell you, having a bunch of pandaren around fixes that problem DAMN quick. I don’t know what this “Huojin” thing is that these pandas all belong to, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if “Huojin” turned out to translate as “Are you going to finish that?”

Anyway, speaking of the pandas, Ji Firepaw has been taking his people around Kalimdor to get the lay of the land, chip in to help where they can (read: busywork), and get some experience for the greener pandas in the group. And that’s all good, but I’m also starting to get the distinct impression that Ji is going to be a whole bunch of work. Case in point: earlier today he was taking some of the Panda Brigade around in Ashenvale when he spotted some bees buzzing around the top of a tree. And I figure ol’ Ji must have thought to himself, “The only reason for there to be bees is for them to make honey. And the only reason for them to make honey is so I can eat it.” Because, you know, always thinking with his stomach.

So, from what the other pandas tell me, Ji tried to climb up the tree, but that wasn’t happening because cellulite, so he came running back to Orgrimmar to get working on Plan B. And you know that hot air balloon that the pandas used to come here from the Wandering Isle? The one that they’ve got hovering over their digs in the Valley of Honor? Yeah, well, Ji hopped on up onto the balloon, and back to Ashenvale he went.

All of this for some damn honey, by the way. You realize we have, like, vendors selling the shit by the case, right?

But boy oh boy, Ji didn’t think of that, because apparently you just don’t fucking think straight when you’re a panda who hasn’t eaten in like five minutes. So off he went with his balloon, and floated his way over to Ashenvale and right on up to the honey tree, and wound up dangling himself from the balloon trying to reach in for his snack. And you know what he found out? Brace yourselves: BEES DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT WHEN YOU MESS WITH THEIR HONEY. Can you believe that shit?

So now Ji’s dangling up there while trying to swat bees away from himself, and all his thrashing around sends the balloon floating away from the bee hive and crashing into ANOTHER tree. And get this — in the process, he managed to fly right into a hole in THAT tree, and jam himself in there right up to the waist, nice and tight.

Seriously, I like Ji, he seems like a good guy and all, but could dude be any more of a cartoon character?

Anyway, it was at this point that all of Ji’s panda buddies came scrambling into Grommash Hold to ask for help, so I headed over to check on the absurdity in progress. I flew up with Mortimer to where Ji’d gotten himself stuck and tried to yank him out, without much luck. I tried giving him a talking to while I was up there, but I think it fell on deaf ears — I was like, “Dude, did the thought never cross your mind that the bees might not like you fucking with their hive?”, but all he had to say was “Well, you can never tell with bees.”

It was pretty clear by then that we weren’t going to pull Ji out of the tree from up there, so I called in a few peons from the Warsong Lumber Camp to chop the damn tree down.

Ji broke three ribs and an arm in the fall. “Bouncy” my ass.

Punch line, by the way? Turns out, the hole in the second tree was actually home to a second bee hive. I don’t know where THOSE bees went off to, whether they got knocked out of the tree when Ji went careening into it, or if they saw the ridiculousness happening and went “Fuck this shit, we’re out,” or what. But they were long gone, which meant that while we were busy trying to get Ji down, he was busy stuffing his face with honey. So even when we got the tree down, fat lot of good — literally — trying to pull Ji out. Instead, the Warsong boys just cut away as much of the tree as possible around Ji…who’s going to be stuck walking around wearing a nice snug wooden belt until his newly mandated diet starts to kick in.



Choose your own adventurer


I have some new updates from Pandaria. General Nazgrim reports that he’s making good progress shaping the forest hozen into a viable fighting force, and they’re getting ready to square off against the Alliance forces that have been up to something in the southern part of the Jade Forest. On the down side, Nazgrim’s had one more casualty — Sergeant Garrok was lost during a scouting mission, something involving an old crone in the woods. Not too clear on the details. Still, given my own history with crones, I know how much trouble they can be.

Meanwhile, I have a new update from Krog on his investigations down south. And…yeah, he’s as high maintenance as he was last time, what with needing his hand held for every decision. Seriously, it’s like he’s afraid to make any decision by himself for fear I’m going to do something to him if he makes a wrong call. Like he thinks I have a temper or something. I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR THAT, INSOLENT ROGUE. Heh. See what I did there?

Anyway. I think I’ve come up with a solution for Krog’s constant need for guidance, but first things first — here’s an excerpt from the report he e-mailed me, to give you an idea on where things stand:

found the wreckage of the bladefist reaper and stygian scar off the southern shore. the initial landing force had established a port outpost which has since been neutralized by the alliance — notes that i found indicate they had named the outpost “garrosh’ar point”. on the coast near one of the docks, bodies of several dozen of the ships’ grunts have washed up. several more found floating at sea. all the bodies i inspected were unarmed and riddled full of bullets. based on the condition and placement of the bodies relative to the coast, i believe the crews were attempting to swim to shore from the sinking ships when alliance forces picked them off in the water.

I don’t know why anything surprises me with the Alliance anymore. Unarmed men swimming for their lives, and the humans see fit to mow them down. Remind me again how good and pure and noble they are. And they call us savages.

further along the shore, i also located the wreckage of the original alliance flagship. aboard, found royals banners and the body of a stormwind soldier wearing the trappings of a royal bodyguard. appears likely that among the ship’s crew was a member of the royal family — since we know varian was in stormwind at last check, it would appear that prince anduin is somewhere in pandaria. this confirmed by papers i retrieved from a sole alliance operative i intercepted at nearby hozen camp. uncertain at this point if alliance have recovered the prince or if he is still at large somewhere.

alliance also appears to be making inroads with one of the local tribes of jinyu — fish-like humanoids. kind of what you would get if you crossed a human with a murloc.

Oh good. Two of my very favorite species blended together into one economy pack of fail. I think I’ll be passing many a cold winter night warming my heart with the slow execution of some of these fish people…

indications from garrosh’ar point are that surviving horde forces relocated to nearby fortress called twinspire keep. alliance appear to have made contact with pandren locals in paw’don village in addition to jinyu located at pearlfin village.

Okay, so here’s the part where Krog defaults to his needy-ass self, asking for directions on what to do next. And here’s where my idea comes in, to save myself a few headaches. Now see, personally I already have more than enough decisions to make and enough things to think about, but it occurs to me that maybe all of you — my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS — might enjoy the chance to take a more hands-on role in guiding some of our efforts in Pandaria. So, here’s your chance. It’s simple enough: what do YOU say Krog should do next?

I’ll give you all a few days to enter your votes, then I’ll send my instructions to Krog, then post an update on whatever he reports. Going forward, every time he checks in with another progress report, I’ll post another poll with options for what Krog should do next. Sounds like fun, right?

So — keep checking back here, chime in to make our puppet dance, help the Horde effort in Pandaria, and be entertained all at once. It’s win-win, and full of win. YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN.


Pilgrim’s Bounty


So here’s some funny timing for you — the pandas join the Horde and arrive in Orgrimmar, right? And when do they turn up? Just in time for Pilgrim’s Bounty to kick in. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you how much those pandas love to eat, and what’s more, the Pilgrim’s Bounty feasts consist pretty much entirely of foods the panda’s haven’t seen much of before…so as we speak, Ji Firepaw and his gang and running around hitting up every feast table they can find. They seemed like they were a little wary of Thunder Bluff at first — apparently there’s some offshoot race of tauren down there in Pandaria, so they weren’t so sure what to make of our version, but they seem warming up fast enough. Also, how many offshoot tauren races ARE there? First the taunka and now this? I’m starting to think it was a fucking miracle when Nazgrim had his whole deal in Vashj’ir that he didn’t run into a race of fucking sea cows.

Anyway…hope everyone is having a good Pilgrim’s Bounty. Eat up, rest up, all that good stuff. And watch out for pandas. Seriously. From what I’m hearing, they’re sweeping across the countryside clearing every table they can find. I’m telling you, get your food and then do NOT look away from it. Take your eyes off that second helping of cranberries at your own risk. Don’t blame me if you look back and find a big furry black-and-white face picking its teeth and spouting off something like, “To ask what happened to your turkey is to ask where I came from. I came from somewhere where they recently ran out of turkey. Perhaps there is a better question.”


Monday mailbag


Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered. There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.

So, let’s have at it.


This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:

Dear Warchief,

You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.



–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds

Okay, so you know what, Vanicus? That’s just fantastic. Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon. Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around. If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.

One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it. And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.” Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL. Seriously. I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them. And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.

Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area. Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations. It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd. Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean. The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent. Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there? Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?

I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field. So, you know, who am I to criticize?


Dear Warchief,

I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested. I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds. I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming! This was very new and exciting for me. Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture. With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!

I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine. I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here. There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc. I may need to get out of here before I get fat.

–Tandeleina, Halfhill

Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right? Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat? Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing? Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?

Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing. I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there. I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing. Eat, drink, and be merry, right?

Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there? Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE. They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated. I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.


Greetings, Warchief:

I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent. I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents). Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known. Day by day I continue my research in this area. I believe my findings shall be most profitable.

However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens. I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke. Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:


As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended. Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley. I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.

There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study. For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:


They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain. I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind? So I killed them. The turtles and the mage. Just to be safe.

Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat. Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?

Respectfully Yours,

–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds

Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today? Do you know Tandeleina? Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?

So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables. On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES. Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed. Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something. Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits. Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too? Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone. They’d probably go over like gangbusters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon. And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it. (You trolls wanted more food? WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)

Interesting about the water up there, though. Definitely something to follow up on. I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff. You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples. (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)

What are these “virmen” things, by the way? Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.


This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.

Oh boy.  Here we go again.  Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.

TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired. Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.

…The FUCK?! Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?! Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER. I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.

Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself. I hope.

Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.

I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.

Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.” Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.

Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.

Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?

I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.

I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.

Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings. We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.

I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.

D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around. I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.

Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor… Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland. I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do. Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there. That should keep you occupied for a while. (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)


Greetings Warchief,

I have made a grave mistake. I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde. I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join. I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine. It was a big mistake. Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover. I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session. I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that. I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.


Eagerly awaiting your answer,

–Windblossom, Stormwind

You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now. And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.

But you know…


In this case, I’ve gotta say…

Hehe. Heh heh. Hehehe heh.



<looks at picture again>



Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom. F.Y.V.!


That’s it for this week, kids. I need to go find a tissue. Holy shit, my sides hurt.




Fuck I love my readers.



Pandaren excursions


A few updates on the ongoing events in Pandaria.

First and foremost, keep those reports coming. Some of you have posted some information on your reconnaissance in Pandaria in the comments of my original call for intelligence, some have written to me directly – I’m planning to address some of the write-in reports in this Monday’s mailbag, so be sure to get your contributions in pronto. Keep it all coming, especially those letters for this coming week.

Your reports are going to be important while I suss out our tactics in the new territories, especially since our new panda recruits are turning out to be a little less helpful in that regard than I’d hoped. I’d just figured that they could provide a lot of inside information on Pandaria what with, you know, them being freaking PANDAREN, but as it turns out, the pandas who lived on the Wandering Isle were a whole separate bunch who haven’t really had much contact with mainland Pandaria for generations…so other than a few very general cultural insights, they’re as much in the dark as I am. Way to ingratiate yourself to me right off the bat there, Ji.

I’ve gotten a brief update from General Nazgrim. He says he’s making inroads recruiting one of the local hozen tribes to fight on our side. Whatever the fuck a “hozen” is. Still, more troops will only help, especially considering Nazgrim doesn’t have too many of his own people left after the Hellscream’s Fist got turned into the Hellscream’s Flaming Pile of Toothpicks and Corpses. (Or as Shademaster Kiryn would probably call it, “a pit roast waiting to happen.”) I’m still not sure how Nazgrim managed not to notice that the Alliance had an air base down there. He seemed kind of evasive about that whole part of the episode, so I may need to do some following up there.

Speaking of which. Since we’ve got a bunch of questions hanging over the entire situation down there, I decided to get some official sleuthing going. Early yesterday, I dispatched Krog to Pandaria to start investigating what happened to the original Horde fleet, the one that had chased the Alliance flagship down and ran it aground. Krog had been doing some undercover work on a few loose ends in the recent Razor Hill incident, but for time being I’ve pulled him off of that case to send him to Pandaria. I’m having him file regular reports on his progress with the invesitation. Hopefully he’ll be able to find some answers.

And all that sounds fine in theory. One problem: all of Krog’s previous detective work was in pretty familiar territory – Dustwallow Marsh, the Barrens, Razor Hill, etc. Get the dude out of his element, and combine that with me stressing that I want answers and not fuck-ups, and the guy turns into a big worrier who won’t make a move without double checking with me. Should I report to General Nazgrim’s camp or go straight to the last known location of the fleet? he asks me. I tell him to go right for the fleet. Should I send word to Nazgrim at all that I’m there? Don’t worry about Nazgrim’s team, they’ve got their own thing going. Should I search the remains of our ships first or the remains of the port? Dude, surprise me, okay? It’s like I’m at an annoying deli or some shit. Do you want white or wheat? Cheese or no? Mustard, ketchup, or mayo? Mustard, you say? Brown or yellow? Do you want a side of fries with that or onion rings? Or chips? How about a pickle? I JUST WANT A FUCKING SANDWICH before I gnaw my own fucking ARM off, OKAY?

So yeah. Ugh. Updates to follow. Aren’t we all lucky?


Here come the pandas


So that was interesting.

Right after I finished yesterday’s post, Ji Firepaw arrived in Orgrimmar with a group of pandaren from the Wandering Isle, looking to sign on with the Horde. And, first impressions…well, I’ll be honest. First impressions weren’t so impressive. I mean, I realize I should know better than to jump to conclusions based on appearances, but…well…the words “roly poly” come to mind. And granted, I’ve heard from multiple sources that these pandaren love them some beer, to the point that I guess Chen Stormstout left kegs lying around all over the Barrens…more power to ’em…but dude, I was not expecting every last one of them to have a beer belly.

You know, on Earth Online they actually have an animal that’s supposed to be inspired by these pandaren. They don’t even try to hide it – they went ahead and called them “pandas,” for fuck’s sake. They’re these basically pudgy bears that just kind of lumber around pudgily, being lazy and nonthreatening most of the time. Unless – you guessed it – you try fucking with their food. I guess I’d just assumed that the EO devs were taking some liberties designing these panda animals, but, hey, shows what I know. The genuine articles? Same deal. Hell, I think I’m just going to take to calling them “pandas.” It’s not like “pandaren” exactly rolls off the tongue.

Anyway, when Ji and his people showed up, I was a little taken aback by all this, and I started rambling on with my “Welcome to the Horde” speech. Maybe I laid on the “bad cop” act a little heavy, about having to earn their keep and prove their usefulness like the other members of the Horde did (granted, the best I could come up with for the blood elves on the spot was “they can hold a sword, I guess”), but hey, I was a little rattled and busy thinking “Holy crap, is there no translation for ‘No more, thanks, I’m full’ in fucking Pandaren?”

So I had the pandas head up to the Ring of Valor so I could put their skills to the test. Matter of fact, I took a page out of Tirion’s book from that whole Argent Colisseum thing he set up in Northrend. You remember when he rounded up three monsters from up there (okay, four – he had not one, but TWO jormungar worms!) and had people fight them? Well, I had the same deal waiting for the pandas, only I did Tirion one better: instead of rolling out the monsters one at a time, I set all of them loose at once and had the pandas go at it.

Side note, by the way – before I got the monster-fighting party going, I did a little more off-the-cuff speechifying at Ji and the other pandas, about presenting them with a gift, which turned out to be the chance to prove their combat skills to me, and how I’d heard about the martial arts prowess of the pandas, and really ran kind of long with it all, and all of a sudden it hit me that HOLY CRAP I’m getting like Tirion THAT way too, so I shut the fuck right up at that point and let out the monsters. Because the fuck, dude, is it just something about supervising gladiatorial combat that gives people diarrhea of the mouth?

Anyway, though, funny thing happened once Ji and his people got the monsters sprung on them: those pandas fucking owned FACE.  I’m not even kidding. Those beasties got freaking WRECKED. So I stand corrected – some of the recruits could stand some more practice and experience, for sure, but overall you pandas really are ready to go. And you know, gotta say, I look at you teddy-bear-looking motherfuckers and I wouldn’t really expect you to be badass, but I’ve got to hand it to you pandas, you get the fucking job done. Daps, pandas.

Only down side? Now I’m down three perfectly good monsters. I was originally going to pit them against Alliance prisoners, and kick back at the Ring of Valor to watch the prisoners fight for their lives for entertainment. Maybe tell them they’d win their freedom if they survivied, only find some ironic way to phrase it so if they did win I could just turn around and have them dropped into boiling oil or some shit. Oh well. I guess we’ll just have to get some new monsters. Not a rush, since we at least have until I get the rest of the parts for the popcorn machine.


Membership drive


Well look at that — that didn’t take long at all. Like I mentioned last time, Korga Strongmane had sent word that he was going to try to arrange for some of the pandaren to make the trip to Orgrimmar to pledge themselves to the Horde. Which first of all, nice job with the recruiting and public relations there, Korga. Nice to see at least SOME of the tauren are getting with the program. And now, I just got a followup message from Korga this morning saying that the first wave of pandaren recruits are on their way and should be in Orgrimmar today.

So I’m sure it’s no shock to anyone who read my last post that I was pretty excited about getting to meet these pandaren. They’ve got a pretty badass reputation, for one, and it’ll also be good to add some new blood to the mix — new recruits drawn almost immediately out of this new culture we’re encountering for the first time. Just take a second and think about how THAT goes down: these pandaren are going about their business, they’ve had their own thing going for thousands of years, then the Horde shows up for like five minutes and they’re like, “Oh hey, shit, I wanna go with THESE guys!” Because the Horde is JUST THAT AWESOME. That’s how we roll. Ha! See? You don’t see the fucking ALLIANCE pulling off shit like that. You don’t see any of these badass martial-arts-rocking pandaren lining up to drop everything and go sign on with fucking VARIAN. HORDE PRIDE, baby!

Okay, hang on a second, Eitrigg is trying to tell me something.




Okay so I guess you DO see that shit happening, because APPARENTLY there was also a bunch of pandaren who went and joined the Alliance. And what the FUCK is up with THAT? I guess some of the pandaren are easily impressed or some shit.

Son of a BITCH.

Okay, whatever. This throws a big ol’ monkey wrench into my “Welcome to the Horde” speech I was going to give them, but fuck it. I’ll just improvise something on the fly. Should be fine. Meanwhile, the pandaren who DON’T have their heads up their asses, and their leader Ji Firepaw, should be here any time now. This should be interesting. I’ll post again soon to let you all know how it goes.


P.S.  Fuck you, Varian.


Word from the field



I’ve just gotten my first reports back from General Nazgrim, and it turns out that that huge landmass they found in the southern ocean is Pandaria! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? I’d heard stories about Pandaria, but I just kind of figured that’s all they were — stories. And sure, Rexxar would swear up and down about the adventures he had with Chen Stormstout, but I mean, come on, you get to that part about all the beer they had, and you’re going to tell me you’re not going to sit there and think, “Ah, so THAT’S why he thinks he did all this shit”?

But no, turns out, it’s all for real. I just received my first report from Nazgrim. Not all the news is good — apparently, by the time Nazgrim arrived with the Hellscream’s Fist, the Alliance had already established a base there and destroyed the port that had been established by OUR initial naval force. On the plus side, Nazgrim and his people took out the Alliance base at Thunder Hold — although Nazgrim seemed pretty sketchy on some of the details — and have secured a portion of the Jade Forest while forging relations with some of the pandaren and another native race called the hozen. On the minus side, before Nazgrim was able to overthrow the Alliance forces, they were able to shoot down the Hellscream’s Fist, killing a large portion of Nazgrim’s troops in the process. Right now he’s working with a team consisting of Sergeant Garrok, marksman Shokia, Shademaster Kiryn, chief engineer Rivett Clutchpop, and a few elite Horde adventurers who’d volunteered for the mission and — as usual — were just too damn tough to wind up killed.

Meanwhile I also have a report from Korga Strongmane. He and a number of our other people were captured by the Alliance during the initial skirmishes in Pandaria. The Alliance sent a gunship to transport the prisoners back to Stormwind, but good ol’ Korga and the others staged an uprising on the airship and wound up crashing it on a nearby island called the Wandering Isle. From what he tells me in his report, he’s won the trust and support of some of the pandaren who live on the island, and he’s arranging for several of them to come to Orgrimmar to pledge themselves to the Horde. NOW we’re in business — if the stories about Pandaria are real, then maybe some of the stories about the pandaren and their crazy-ass martial arts skills are too. This should be fun to see.

Meanwhile, I’m still going to need more information on what’s going on out there, so everybody keep those reports coming. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the Alliance are up to no good down there, and I STILL want to find out what happened to Captain Krug and the original fleet.

More details soon.