Monthly Archives: December 2012
Best-laid plans
So I’ve been working with my trainees the last couple days, and other than the fact that by and large they have the attention span of a gnat on caffeine, and the fact that they seem to find every random thing hilarious, especially if you try to get them to STOP finding it hilarious, because when you try to get them to take something seriously for a change boy oh boy that REALLY brings on the LOL’s, and…what was I talking about? I swear I should try to edit some of these things when I write them. That is, if Spazzle can ever get his twitchy green ass around to showing me where the damn delete key is again.
Okay, so take two. The trainees. Once you get past all the crap that makes fourteen year olds annoying, which granted is a lot, they’re actually pretty good. I mean you can definitely see the makings of some pretty decent warriors among the bunch of them. Gurtash included, obviously, but then he does have kind of an unfair edge, what with me already having been showing him a few tricks. I’ll keep you all posted on how this whole thing goes.
In the meantime, we had another planning session for Pandaria today. We’re getting close to being ready to go…
EITRIGG: Preparations are going to schedule, Warchief. The fleet is now fully assembled at Bladefist Bay, and Grizzle Gearslip assures me that the last of the siege engines will be ready within a few days.
MALKOROK: I would recommend keeping the fleet on rotating patrols until we’re ready to depart, Warchief. If we keep the entire fleet docked, and the Alliance launches an attack…
GARROSH: Good call. I assume you can work out a rotation with Drok and the other captains?
MALKOROK: I’ll see to the arrangements, Warchief.
GARROSH: Good. One other question.
MALKOROK: Yes, sir?
GARROSH: Who the hell are these people?
Garrosh points to two other orcs sitting around Malkorok at the conference table.
MALKOROK: Sir? You’ve already met Rak’gor Bloodrazor here; he was at our last strategy session.
GARROSH: Oh, yeah, I remember him now. Who’s the other guy?
MALKOROK: Another one of my lieutenants, sir. This is Gul’tar – former apprentice of Ga’trul, in fact, from the initial Pandaia landing force.
EITRIGG: Did we ever find out exactly what happened with them, incidentally?
GARROSH: Not much other than being pretty well wiped out by the second wave of Alliance forces.
MALKOROK: You mean the ones that had to recruit the local fish men to fill out their ranks?
GARROSH: <sighs> Yes.
EITRIGG: Speaking of which, as well, since we’re drawing close to being ready, we might want to gather as much information as possible on the land and its peoples.
MALKOROK: I would imagine that may be a rare instance when those…preposterous new pandaren arrivals might prove useful.
GARROSH: You’ve been getting pretty close to Ji since he started playing EO, haven’t you, Mokvar? Pick up anything useful from him?
MOKVAR: Not really. Here’s the thing – Ji and all his people came from a place called the Wandering Isle, which isn’t actually part of Pandaria proper.
EITRIGG: It’s an island nearby, though, isn’t it?
MOKVAR: Well, sometimes.
EITRIGG: Sometimes?
MOKVAR: It’s technically not an island.
EITRIGG: What is it, then?
GARROSH: Hold on to your ass for this one…
MOKVAR: It’s a giant turtle.
MALKOROK: …What?
MOKVAR: The Wandering Isle is a giant turtle that swims around the ocean – usually near Pandaria, but not always. The pandaren that live there basically built a whole civilization on its back. A lot of them don’t even know the truth about the “island.”
MALKOROK: <grumbling> Warchief… I suspect your…scribe here may be providing faulty intelligence.
GARROSH: No, I got this same story about the Wandering Islse from Ji.
MALKOROK: This would be the same pandaren who appears to be forever getting himself stuck in tight openings in the pursuit of food?
EITRIGG: So I assume that since the Huojin live separately from the Pandaren mainland…?
MOKVAR: They haven’t had any contact with the place in generations. No help there as far as providing useful information.
GARROSH: I guess we’ll have to get by on what we’re able to learn from Nazgrim and Krog, then.
MOKVAR: While I’m thinking of it, though, Ji was asking me earlier about what’s going on in Ragefire Chasm. I guess he had a few of his people go down there—
MALKOROK: Is this really important enough to interrupt our planning, scribe? You can’t seriously think the confusion of those perpetually confused bear people is more relevant than the imminent invasion.
MOKVAR: I was just wondering—
MALKOROK: Wonder all you want, scribe, just do it quietly. Now then…
Vol’jin enters.
VOL’JIN: Hey, mon, sorry I be late ta da meetin’!
GARROSH: Oh fucking hell, who told him about the meeting THIS time?
VOL’JIN: Was I not supposed ta know, mon?
GARROSH: Not exactly.
VOL’JIN: Oh, was ya plannin’ a surprise party for me, mon? Is dere cake?
GARROSH: <rubbing his forehead> No, we’re not throwing you a surprise…you know what, fuck it, just sit down, Vol’jin.
VOL’JIN: Tank ya, Warchief.
Vol’jin walks over to Malkorok at the table and turns to Gul’tar.
Ya be in ma seat, mon.
GUL’TAR: I…what?
VOL’JIN: Dat seat, mon. Dat’s where I always sit. Ya be in ma spot, mon.
GARROSH: Vol’jin, does it actually matter?
VOL’JIN: Ya, mon! I’m a creature a’ habit, an’ I be feelin’ all outta sorts if I don’ sit in ma normal place! Besides…
Vol’jin claps Malkorok on the shoulder jovially; Malkorok jumps in surprise, then glares up at Vol’jin.
…Malkorok an’ me tight now, an’ I be missin’ ma buddy if I sit somewhere else!
GUL’TAR: <grumbles and turns to Malkorok> I’ll just move, sir. I would…hate to occupy the troll’s place.
Gul’tar moves over one seat. Vol’jin sits next to Malkorok. Malkorok stares at him icily for a moment; Vol’jin replies with an exaggerated grin.
GARROSH: So…back to business. What’s our latest from General Nazgrim?
EITRIGG: He and his team have recovered from their injuries and indicate they’re making inroads with some of the pandaren in the northern mountains.
VOL’JIN: Dey all make it t’rough okay?
EITRIGG: Shademaster Kiryn and Rivett Clutchpop made it fine. It seems their marksman, Shokia, is unaccounted for.
GARROSH: I wouldn’t worry too much about her…
EITRIGG: Nazgrim reports the northern pandaren are in conflict with a tauren offshoot race. He doesn’t make it sound like too dire a situation, though.
GARROSH: Not something we need to worry much about, anyway, if this is going on in the northern regions. We’ll be coming in along the southern coast.
MALKOROK: Do we have any operatives scouting the south for us, then?
EITRIGG: Just a number of volunteers who’ve been making their way around the continent of their own accord and checking in when they can.
VOL’JIN: I tink dere was a group of Baine’s people doin’ some explorin’ in da sout’ too, mon.
MALKOROK: What? Bloodhoof sent his own expedition to Pandaria?
VOL’JIN: Ya, mon. Sunwalker Dezco was leadin’ it.
MALKOROK: And why, I wonder, would he presume to send his own detachment without clearing it with Orgrimmar?
VOL’JIN: I didn’t know da tauren had to ask permission ta do tings.
MALKOROK: A loyal member of the Horde should be clearing obvious military operations with their Warchief, troll.
GARROSH: Do you want to explain why Baine apparently saw fit to tell YOU about this expedition and not ME?
VOL’JIN: <beaming> I’m a people person, mon!
MALKOROK: At best, this stinks of insubordination, Warchief. And potentially disloyalty of a far worse kind. How do we know they’re not conspiring for their own purposes?
EITRIGG: You cannot seriously think the tauren would be engaged in something illicit?
MALKOROK: I do not trust that Baine or the rest of his ilk. He’s put himself at odds with the Warchief too many times already.
VOL’JIN: Ya tink he’s disloyal, mon? I been speakin’ my mind to Garrosh, too – ya be tinkin’ I’m a traitor?
GARROSH: Not a traitor, Vol’jin, but I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, the two of you HAVE been a grade-A pain in the ass the last few months.
MALKOROK: As far as I’m concerned, you could very well be conspiring with him on whatever he’s up to. Don’t think I’m not keeping an eye on you, troll.
VOL’JIN: Oh, don’cha be worryin’, mon. If I was ever workin’ against ya in secret, you’d know.
GARROSH: I… <rubs forehead> That…doesn’t even make sense, you stupid troll. By definition…
VOL’JIN: Besides, mon, ya don’ have ta be worryin’ about Dezco an’ his people. He even has one a da orcs wit him.
EITRIGG: Who?
VOL’JIN: Kor Bloodtusk, I tink ’is name was.
MALKOROK: A weak-minded puppet, most likely, lured over to that tauren’s misguided way of thinking.
MOKVAR: I have to say, actually—
MALKOROK: <glares> What do you want, scribe?
Mokvar looks down.
Now then—
MOKVAR: <turning back to Malkorok> What I want? I want to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike.
Behind Malkorok, Vol’jin beams and high-fives the air in Mokvar’s direction.
Or were you looking for something a little less big-picture?
MALKOROK: <glaring> Count yourself lucky, scribe, that you’re in the Warchief’s good graces…
MOKVAR: Yeah, because you would never—
EITRIGG: Gentlemen.
GARROSH: Yeah, guys, enough. Cool your jets, both of you, we don’t have time for this crap.
MALKOROK: Of course, Warchief…
GARROSH: So, Vol’jin, now that everybody’s gotten all riled up over the tauren expedition, have we heard anything from them that would actually be USEFUL?
VOL’JIN: Da one ting I heard was dere be a lotta old ruins from an older race, dat ruled before da pandaren. I don’ know anyt’ing about ’em, but from da ruins it sounds like dey was everywhere.
EITRIGG: Hmm. Possibly worth assigning a team from the Reliquary to join the expedition to look into?
GARROSH: Yeah, maybe. This is a military operation, not an archaeology dig, but calling in some of the blood elves on this might help smooth things over with ol’ what’s-his-name. Captain Peroxide.
MOKVAR: How’s his eye doing, by the way?
GARROSH: Don’t ask.
MOKVAR: Ah.
GARROSH: Anyway… I think that covers everything for today, doesn’t it, Eitrigg?
EITRIGG: Yes, sir. I don’t think there was anything else on the agenda.
VOL’JIN: Good party as always, mon. Next one at my place!
MOKVAR: If we’re done here, I’m going to head over to the Valley of Honor. I need to catch up with Ji about a couple things.
GARROSH: Good, keep him out of trouble for a few hours.
MALKOROK: If you’ll excuse me then, Warchief, Rak’gor and I have a few arrangements to make ourselves.
VOL’JIN: Don’ forget ta pick up da cake dis time, mon.
Malkorok blinks at Vol’jin, then shakes his head as he leaves, grumbling, with Rak’gor and Gul’tar.
<chuckling to himself> Never gets old, mon, never gets old…
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Being a role model is a full-time job
This week, Malkorok has been busy implementing his trainee program for teenage recruits from Orgrimmar. He’s sending out notices to anyone age fourteen on up to seventeen – assuming they’re fit and able, and don’t have some other issues like, I don’t know, just off the top of my head here, outstanding community service hours cleaning the swine pens at Jaggedswine Farm after getting caught toilet papering Grommash Hold. I’m speaking hypothetically here, of course. The recruits will all be grouped by age and ability and assigned to small training units under the supervision of an accomplished veteran. From there, they’ll start preparing to eventually fight for the glory of the Horde.
And now, before everyone starts QQ’ing, because I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who aren’t orcs (and speaking of which, fuck you, Varian), let me explain this so I don’t have to listen to a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from across the internet.
First of all, we’re not stealing anyone away from their families, if that’s what you’re thinking. The trainees do their activities for the day and then they go home, just the same as if they were at school. Which they pretty much ARE. Which brings me to the next point.
We’re not just rounding up these kids and running them straight out onto a battlefield. Yes, that would be stupid. Do you seriously think I would do something stupid? This is TRAINING we’re talking about here. They’re learning about combat and self-defense and working as a unit, to get them READY for down the line when they’ll be needed for the war effort. Nobody is getting sent into actual battle until they’re ready. That’s the point – to GET them ready, not just to treat perfectly good future warriors as disposable cannon fodder. (That’s what Dontrag and Utvoch are for.)
And, hell, before you all get in a tizzy over “But, but, they’re just kids!” – listen. Orcs are not as long-lived a race as a lot of the others here on Azeroth. People don’t seem to get this. Cairne Bloodhoof was over 100 years old and still kicking ass, most recently mine, before, well, you know. You’re not going to see me up and about at 100. I’m probably not going to make it to 70. That’s freaking OLD for an orc. I know that might be hard to grasp for some of you – especially you elves, what with how you live for like hundreds of years. Which means you’re probably considered a kid until you hit like 100 years old. (And by the way, speaking of which: does that mean you elves are adolescents for like 50 years or something? Because seriously, all you non-elves, can you imagine that? Puberty lasting for 50 years? I seriously would have killed myself.)
Anyway, point being, fourteen and fifteen are not as young for us as a lot of you seem to think. Hell, I’m 34, and people keep referring to me as “young,” but by orc standards that pretty much makes me a middle-aged man.
Hang on.
…
Spirits help me, where the fuck did my life go?
Anyway.
Point is, everyone needs to just calm the fuck down and put their panties back on over this.
One thing related to the training program, though. I was going over Malkorok’s rosters and happened to notice a few recruits from the Orgrimmar orphanage – including, you guessed it, Gurtash. I know the kid’s got a lot of potential, but I also got to thinking it might be good to keep an eye on him, so I told Malkorok I would take charge of that trainee unit personally. Malkorok wasn’t too happy about that, but then, he’s Malkorok – since when is he ever happy about anything, AMIRITE? I think he felt like it was a job beneath the station of the Warchief, or whatever, but as it turns out, Gurtash was being placed un a high-aptitude group – no surprise there – so I spun it as me personally supervising the training of the best. And also, as I succinctly put it to Malkorok, I’m doing it because I’m the WARCHIEF and I SAID SO.
So, I’ve got a new gig a few times a week. And really, I already play a teacher on Earth Online – how hard could it be in real life? I have my first meeting with the kids later today, to start laying some groundwork for their training. Should be simple enough. The group’s going to consist of Gurtash and about a dozen other kids around his age. How hard could a bunch of fourteen year olds be?
ADDENDUM, later: Holy fucking hell, what have I done to myself?
When we last left Krog…
So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday. I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working. And you know how that goes, right? “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.
As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is. So that was fun. I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.
I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay. And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.
Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday. So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria. You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin. When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart. And so…
begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.
I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?
alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly. i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery. meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed. eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.
good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.
good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.
Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news. Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling. Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.
bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.
…
I… He… They…
Hang on.
…
…
…
Sorry. I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.
How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”? What the fuck does that even MEAN? What confusion? The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there? Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?
I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.
welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.
Okay, credit where it’s due. Dude knows me.
hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled. not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces. likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.
standing by for further orders.
Anger management
The other day I mentioned there being some meeting that Orphan Matron Battlewail wanted me to attend if I were serious about getting Gurtash. She had me check in with Social Services, which is being run by some goblins these days. Don’t ask me how that happened. But they filled in a little more of the story. They’ve got one of Ji Firepaw’s panda friends holding a kind of seminar on dealing with anger, and they’ve opened it up to anybody who wants to attend. The only catch – well, other than the fact that this whole fucking waste of time is one huge catch in itself since WTF why do these fuckers keep acting like I’ve got some kind of fucking problem with my goddamn temper or some shit – is that they want all the attendees to have someone come with them, sort of a sponsor. My first thought was to bring Malkorok, seeing as he’s technically my bodyguard and should be going places with me anyway, but then I got to thinking that this gig might not be the kind of thing that…well…let’s just say the purposes of the session might not be facilitated by having Malkorok in the room.
Plus, really, why do I need a bodyguard again? Isn’t that kind of like getting a watch dog to guard your giant rabid wolverine?
So, bottom line, I got Mokvar to come with me. Which also had the added benefit of…
Garrosh and Mokvar enter a room in which several chairs have been arranged in a circle. At the far end of the room, a middle-aged pandaren woman is talking with Eitrigg.
GARROSH: So, um, we’re here for the meeting? Not sure we’ve got the right place.
The pandaren woman, all smiles, walks over to greet them.
PANDAREN: Oh, no, you are in the right place, Warchief. It is good to see you again.
GARROSH: Yeah, you too. We’ve met?
PANDAREN: <laughs softly> Yes, a few weeks back, but I will understand if you do not remember me. You were meeting quite a few of us from the Wandering Isle that day.
GARROSH: Ah. Yeah. And to be honest, no offense, most of you pandas still sort of blend together for me.
PANDAREN: Are you saying my people all look alike to you?
GARROSH: Actually not so much all look alike as there are like six variations I can recognize.
MOKVAR: To be fair, I’m not sure we orcs are much better.
GARROSH: True enough. And the less said about the trolls the better.
MOKVAR: Well, Vol’jin stands out some.
GARROSH: Well yeah. I was going to ask the other day, actually – did he have some work done? He looks different.
MOKVAR: I was wondering that too! So I’m not the only one that noticed?
GARROSH: Dude, he sprouted an extra toe on the backs of his feet.
MOKVAR: Seriously? That’s freaky as hell.
GARROSH: I know, right? <looks back to the pandaren woman> Anyway…um…we can probably discuss this another time.
The woman smiles bemusedly.
PANDAREN: In any case, Warchief, it is good to meet you more properly now. <extends her paw> I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider. I have been a student of meditation among our people for many years. I look forward to sharing some of these techniques with you today.
GARROSH: Yeah. Great. So listen, Ben, how long you figure this is going to take?
BEN-LIN: The session shall take as long as it takes.
GARROSH: Ah. One of those. Terrific.
MOKVAR: So, Eitrigg, what are you doing here?
GARROSH: Yeah, Eitrigg, you never struck me as having a temper.
EITRIGG: I don’t really. I’m not here for me; I’m sponsoring a friend. He just hasn’t gotten here yet.
GARROSH: Ah, okay. Wait…hold on…a “friend”? Please don’t tell me…
Tirion Fordring enters.
TIRION: Ah, greetings, Warchief! A pleasure as always to see you once again. And doubly so, of course, for you, Eitrigg, my dear friend of many years. Far too many days have passed since last we enjoyed each other’s company…
GARROSH: <rubbing his forehead> Dude, you just saw him a few weeks ago. I know. I was there.
TIRION: Perhaps! Perhaps, good Warchief! And perhaps indeed the calendar might insist that the interval has been short – but the spirit, my friend, the spirit tells me the time has been long! For surely, good Garrosh, you know of those times when the moments feel far longer than the clock might otherwise claim.
GARROSH: <still rubbing his forehead> All too well, Tirion…
MOKVAR: Eitrigg, I’m still not sure I understand. Tirion never struck me as very temperamental either.
Eitrigg, standing behind Tirion, makes a drinking motion with his hand.
Ah. Got it.
BEN-LIN: It appears more of our attendees are arriving. I should introduce myself, if you will pardon me a moment.
Ben-Lin steps toward the door, where Lor’themar Theron enters, accompanied by Liadrin. While Ben-Lin talks to them, Faranell enters and walks over to Garrosh and Mokvar.
GARROSH: Hey, Doc.
FARANELL: Hey.
MOKVAR: You’re here for the meeting too, Edwin?
FARANELL: Mmhmm. As soon as I heard about this, I cleared my schedule for this afternoon.
MOKVAR: I didn’t know you had anger issues.
FARANELL: I don’t.
Faranell sits down and takes out a large bag of popcorn.
Lor’themar and Liadrin leave Ben-Lin and approach Garrosh et al. Ben-Lin circles around and talks with Tirion and Eitrigg in the background.
MOKVAR: Hey Liadrin.
LIADRIN: Hello, Mokvar. Edwin. Warchief.
GARROSH: Hey, Liadrin. Who’s your friend? Is he sponsoring you or something?
LOR’THEMAR: You see? YOU SEE? This is EXACTLY what I was talking about! Every time! EVERY SINGLE TIME! No matter HOW many damn times I meet them, the NEXT time it’s always “Oh, so who’s this guy?”
LIADRIN: Now now, try to calm down, sir…
GARROSH: Okay, standing corrected on who’s sponsoring who here.
LIADRIN: This has been a long time coming, frankly.
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, but seriously, who IS he?
LOR’THEMAR: <shaking Garrosh violently> I’M LOR’THEMAR THERON, YOU PEA-BRAINED, MOUTH-BREATHING OAF! RULER OF SILVERMOON! LEADER OF THE BLOOD ELVES! I BUILT YOU A DAMN MANA BOMB TO COMMIT WAR CRIMES WITH, YOU IGNORANT VULGARIAN!
GARROSH: <shoving Lor’themar back> YOU’RE the vulgarian, you fuck!
FARANELL: <munching on popcorn> So much better than doing culture samples with Zinge.
LOR’THEMAR: How DIFFICULT is it to remember WHO SOMEONE IS after you MEET THEM FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME?!
GARROSH: Apparently VERY, when the someone in question isn’t frigging IMPORTANT enough to be REMEMBERED, Ponytail!
MOKVAR: He blew up about this on our game the other day, actually.
LIADRIN: I heard.
MOKVAR: Has he been at it all this time?
LIADRIN: More or less. This is something he’s been bottling up for a while, really.
Ben-Lin returns to the group, with Tirion and Eitrigg close behind.
BEN-LIN: If we might all find our seats. The last few should arrive shortly.
Everyone settles into the chairs.
Good afternoon, all of you, and thank you for coming today. I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider of the Huojin Pandaren, and I will be conducting today’s session. My people chose to join the Horde in large part because of our shared belief in confronting challenges directly, and it is in that spirit that I would like to commend each of you for coming here today. By choosing to attend, you have demonstrated your recognition of an enemy of sorts within yourselves, and your resolve to face and defeat that enemy.
GARROSH: Pfft, I don’t know about these people, but I got railroaded by the orphan matron. Screw this personal-growth hippie bullshit.
LOR’THEMAR: Same here. <nods head toward Liadrin> This one twisted my arm.
GARROSH: Personally I think the whole thing is a load of crap.
MOKVAR: Would it really kill you to just bite your tongue and humor people this one time?
LIADRIN: <sighs> I wonder what it would be like if some of our leaders were actually adults…
BEN-LIN: Ah. I am sensing resistance from some of you. This is unfortunate. I hope you will come to see the merit of our activities as we go along. Let us begin by each introducing ourselves and telling the group why we are here.
She turns to Faranell.
Let us begin with you. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group, my friend?
FARANELL: <tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth> It would make my life complete.
BEN-LIN: <unfazed> Delightful. Please go on.
FARANELL: Yeah, fine. Hey. I’m Edwin. Most of you already know that. All of you, actually, so good use of time here. Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the LOL’s.
BEN-LIN: <blinks> Ah. I see.
She turns hesitantly and looks to Tirion.
And you, sir?
TIRION: Thank you, Lady Cloudstrider, many thanks indeed, both for your gracious greeting and for your generosity in offering up your valuable time – time very much in demand, I have no doubt, among your people – in arranging this gathering for the benefit of all here. And a great honor, and, indeed, blessing it is to find myself today amid this honored company, for as I look about the room I find my gaze met by the faces of many of the most esteemed of our respective peoples…
GARROSH: Oh man. He’s ON today…
TIRION: And so, in keeping with your request, noble Lady Cloudstrider, allow me to introduce myself. I am Tirion Fordring, Highlord of the Argent Crusade, Knight of the Silver Hand, master of Mardenholde Keep, bearer of the secred Ashbringer—
GARROSH: Murderer of Wills to Live…
TIRION: —and I find myself here today among you at the recommendation of my dear friend, the noble and sage orc Eitrigg, who suggested this gathering might prove valuable to me, both for my personal growth and likewise in allaying the oft-expressed concerns of some number of my Argent colleagues, such as the hallowed Confessor Palteress and my personal aide, the noble Miss Daria L’Rayne…
The door to the room opens, and Hamuul Runetotem leans in.
HAMUUL: Excuse me, is this the anger management seminar?
BEN-LIN: Indeed it is, my friend.
HAMUUUL: Ah, good. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.
GARROSH: Yes, you are, and thank goodness.
BEN-LIN: Please come in.
Hamuul steps into the room, holding the door open, and waves outside.
HAMUUL: Come on in, it’s the right place.
A nervous-looking Mylune enters.
BEN-LIN: <glancing down at a clipboard> Ah, you must be the two from Mount Hyjal.
HAMUUL: Yes. I’m Hamuul Runetotem, and this is my…colleague Mylune.
GARROSH: Oh man. Hide your kittens…
MYLUNE: <perks up> There are kittens?
GARROSH: Oh yeah, loads of them in the Cleft of Kittens.
MYLUNE: Ooh! Ooh! There’s a Cleft of Kittens? Where’s that?
GARROSH: Right at the southern end of the Valley of Ridiculous Hallucinations – it’s fucking ORGRIMMAR. What the hell do you think this is?
MYLUNE: <deflated> Oh. I thought there might be kittens…
HAMUUL: Perhaps just as well, given your recent…episode.
MYLUNE: <slumps her head and closes her eyes> I don’t know what you’re talking about.
HAMUUL: Mylune, we’ve already talked about your trying to block these things out.
MYLUNE: No no, I’m not blocking it out! Blocking what out? See? Happy face! Happy face! Oh, everything’s so wonderful and magical and whee! And…and…
She looks around quickly and grabs up a small scorpion that’s skittering along the ground.
And ooh, hello Mr. Scorpid, aren’t you a tough little prickly darling! <hugs the scorpion to her bosom> Auntie Luney sure is happy to see you! Yes she is! Yes she—oww! OWW! Dammit, that stings like HELL, you stupid pinchy ASSHOLE!
Mylune throws the scorpion viciously against the wall.
It wasn’t even that cute!
GARROSH: So… I take it that time in Mulgore wasn’t an isolated incident…?
HAMUUL: Not as such.
MYLUNE: Oh…oh no, no, no… I did it again! <sobbing> Why do I keep doing that? <putting her hands over her face as the sobbing continues>
HAMUUL: There there…
BEN-LIN: It is all right. You are among friends now.
GARROSH: Well let’s not get carried away.
MYLUNE: <rubbing one hand on her chest> That still kind of stings a little, actually…
BEN-LIN: We are here to help you. Have you had other moments like this recently?
MYLUNE: I…well…I was in Winterspring a few days ago…and there were these bunnies…and…and…
GARROSH: Not so much with the bunnies anymore, I’m guessing.
MYLUNE: I couldn’t help it! I just wanted to pet them, and… <rubs her chest again> Okay, you know what? I think that scorpion might have been venomous.
Hamuul sighs and starts casting healing spells on Mylune.
HAMUUL: Seriously? You have venomous scorpions just wandering around?
GARROSH: Hey, I don’t usually figure people are going to go around rubbing them on their boobs.
MOKVAR: Did you really have to give me that mental image?
GARROSH: I mean we usually don’t have people around here showing that level of stupid. And that’s even figuring how much time Dontrag and Utvoch spend here.
LOR’THEMAR: Who?
GARROSH: You’re better off not knowing.
LIADRIN: Really, sir.
BEN-LIN: Perhaps we should move on. <turns to Lor’themar> Let us turn to you now. You are…?
LOR’THEMAR: Ugh. See? SEE? THIS is EXACTLY what I’m talking about! I introduced myself to you not TEN MINUTES AGO! But does anyone remember something like that? NO! OF COURSE NOT!
LIADRIN: Sir, I think she was just asking you to—
LOR’THEMAR: Don’t defend her, Liadrin! People do this every damn day, and there’s always some excuse for them! Either that, or it’s just “Oh, okay. Lor’themar? Whatever.” YES, whatever. It’s LOR’THEMAR! LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON, Regent-Lord of Quel’Thalas! That’s who I am! Lor’themar! Do you hear me? All of you? LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR! One of the only racial leaders on either side who hasn’t managed to make a complete cluster fuck of something yet, but does anyone remember? NO! NO THEY DON’T!
BEN-LIN: Well then. I was going to ask you why you are here, but I think you have already answered that. So let us move on. <turns to Garrosh> And you, sir?
GARROSH: Huh? Oh, yeah. <waves half-heartedly> So yeah, Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde. Son of Grom, slayer of Alliance, writer of EPIC VERSE, eater of lemon squares, yadda yadda.
HAMUUL: Wait, he writes poetry?
MOKVAR: He’s actually surprisingly good at it.
BEN-LIN: And why have you come here today, my friend?
GARROSH: Humoring the orphan matron, pretty much. Didn’t we already cover this? She basically said I needed to attend this thing before she would sign off on this orphan I was looking into maybe adopting.
LIADRIN: Wait, what?
EITRIGG: Adopting?
HAMUUL: Oh spirits help us…
GARROSH: WHY does everybody fucking react like that every time I mention this? I talked about it on my blog, too, and all the commenters were like “Holy crap no!”
HAMUUL: Wait, he blogs, too?
FARANELL: <munching> I so should have brought some ale for this.
Tirion passes Faranell a flask.
Oh, hey, thanks.
EITRIGG: I thought we’d agreed you were going to hold off on the… <makes a drinking motion with his hand> …while we were here for the meeting.
TIRION: Surely, friend Eitrigg, you would not deny me a simple bracing beverage before an undertaking that calls upon my resolve.
EITRIGG: Now we both know the “liquid courage” excuse doesn’t hold here, Tirion.
GARROSH: So hold up, you mean Highlord Paragraph here likes to retreat into the bottle, and goes all angry drunk and shit?
EITRIGG: And sometimes ends up burning small animals as a result…
MYLUNE: He WHAT?!
TIRION: My fine and noble friend, I would remind you that the episode with the penguins was, in broad, strokes, an isolated incident, and—
MYLUNE: Penguins?!
BEN-LIN: Now you see, here we may have a fine instructive moment. While we may all have our moments of anger, it is when we allow that anger to manifest in actions that we risk unleashing the worst upon the loved ones around us…
MYLUNE: <fidgeting nervously and looking to Hamuul> Pen…penguins! What did he do to the penguins…?!
EITRIGG: Suffice to say it involved a cane.
BEN-LIN: And so, when you experience these moments, Tirion, you must remember to use your words.
GARROSH: Wait, seriously?
TIRION: Sage counsel indeed, good Lady Cloudstrider, and perhaps you are right, and I have been far too reticent…
GARROSH: Fucking hell, do you realize what you’re DOING, lady?
MYLUNE: He…he…he attacked the poor penguins with a cane?
EITRIGG: Far better than the kittens got…
TIRION: My dear Eitrigg, you know perfectly well that I take little pride in the unfortunate incident involving the, shall we say, premature feline incendiaries, and—
MYLUNE: Incendi— you burned kittens?!
GARROSH: Yeah, bet you’re glad we don’t have any here now, aren’t you? Not safe to have them around Captain Shortfuse Longwind here.
MYLUNE: <trembling with eyes growing large and dewy> Hamuul, did you hear that? He…he…the kittens…he…
Hamuul pulls a teddy bear out of his pack and dangles it in front of Mylune, who immediately snatches it up.
Oh oh oh what a cute cuddly fuzzy huggy teddy bear squee!
LOR’THEMAR: Wow she’s unstable…
GARROSH: Look in a mirror lately, blondie? Who are you to judge?
LOR’THEMAR: <jumping up and knocking his chair over> Who am I? WHO AM I? LOR’THEMAR THERON, that’s who! LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!
LIADRIN: Sir, really, you should try to—
LOR’THEMAR: You stay out of this, Liadrin! I’ve HAD IT with this walking jaw with a gym card acting like he doesn’t fucking KNOW me!
GARROSH: I know you’ll snap in half nice and easy if you don’t figure out a way to ZIP it right quick, Hair-Care!
MYLUNE: <swaying from side to side while hugging the tebby bear> Oh don’t listen to them, Mr. Huggles, it’s okay, it’s okay! You just be all sweet and snuggly and don’t worry about the mean people!
LOR’THEMAR: Why don’t you MAKE me zip it! Or do you need damn BOMB to drop on me for that?!
GARROSH: I’ll SHOW you a fucking BOMB, Ponytail!
Garrosh lunges at Lor’themar and flings him violently against the wall. Lor’themar pulls himself up and tries to rush back at Garrosh, only to have Garrosh grab him and put him in a headlock. Mokvar and Liadrin pull at Garrosh’s arm to try to loosen his grip.
MOKVAR: Really, boss, not helping your own cause here…
GARROSH: Hope you weren’t too fond of that frigging OXYGEN, Lor’the-Whatever-the-Fuck-Your-Name-Is!
LOR’THEMAR: <wrenching himself out of Garrosh’s hold and swinging at him wildly> LOR’THEMAR! MY NAME IS LOR’THEMAR! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY MY NAME, BITCH!
Mylune is still rocking back and forth, holding the teddy bear while trembling.
MYLUNE: Now now don’t you let them upset you, Mr. Huggles… <absently rips off one of the teddy bear’s ears> It’s okay…it’s all okay… They’re not mad at you, no no, they’re not… <rips off the bear’s other ear, sobbing> It’s all going to be okay someday, I promise, Huggles, Auntie Luney promises…!
FARANELL: <mouth half-full of popcorn> I love this meeting so much I want to marry it and have a family of little caucuses.
LOR’THEMAR: I’m SICK AND TIRED of being IGNORED by this damn GORILLA!
Mokvar and Liadrin try with mixed success to pull the two away from each other.
GARROSH: Don’t worry, metro, you’ll be getting PLENTY of attention while I’m smearing you all over the floor!
LOR’THEMAR: Stop holding him back! I’m not scared of him! I can take him! Unless maybe he’s POISONED his DAMN AXE again!
GARROSH: OH you will DIE EXTRA SLOW for—
Tirion jumps Garrosh and Lor’themar and pushes them away from each other. He looks back and forth sternly.
TIRION: Gentlemen, please! Surely no one can benefit from our turning on each other in such a way. Now then… <looks back and forth between Garrosh and Lor’themar again> Let’s have a drink. And calm down.
EITRIGG: <sighs> Tirion…
BEN-LIN: It occurs to me that perhaps our goals would be better served by a few one-on-one sessions before we attempt to discuss our issues in a group…
Mylune suddenly grabs Ben-Lin from behind and hugs her back against herself.
MYLUNE: Ohhhh has anyone ever told you you’re like a big giant warm fuzzy snuggly teddy bear yourself, Miss Cloudy-bear?
BEN-LIN: <looking around somewhat panicked, but clearly trying to maintain her composure> So…with that in mind…let us adjourn for the day. I will be in touch with each of you to arrange individual meetings. We…we have much work to do…
LIADRIN: Come on, sir, let’s just go back to Silvermoon…
Liadrin drags Lor’themar out of the room. The others begin to make their way out as well, except for Mylune, who continues hugging Ben-Lin.
MYLUNE: So huggly and cuddly and so so adorable! I could just squeeze you all day, little bear!
Faranell gets up and walks over to Ben-Lin and Mylune on his way toward the door.
FARANELL: So, I’m going to give you my contact info… Please, please tell me if there are any more of these meetings. I will buy a ticket if I need to.
This has got to be some kind of a hazing thing. Or Battlewail is doing some kind of weird trial to test my resolve, to see just how serious I am about the Gurtash thing.
Gotta tell you, though, if I have to go hang out with that crew again, I’m not sure I like even that kid enough…
More soon.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Ragequitters never win
You have logged on.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well that’s the problem with arcane, though.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] for me anyway.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how you u mean?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey everyone
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well i mean, why wouldnt it?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What did I just walk in on?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or do I not want to know?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This one is pretty harmless.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] how are you doing, pwn?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Doing okay, gayle
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello omgipwnedurface.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] good to see you as always.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see, case in point.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh lol
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] probably just as well.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i haven’t aged well.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol its ok i like older guys =)
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh i remember that phase
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY NOW
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol dont worry sweetie
[Lorthemar] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi lorthemar
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] JUST KIDDING
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, all.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, Lorthemar.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi lor
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I still say scalies just creep me out.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] are you new in the guild?
[Guild][Lorthemar] No.
[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh
[Guild][Lorthemar] Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’ve been in the guild for months.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh ok
[Guild][Lorthemar] I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats
[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all. ^_^
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Exalted with EVERY national faction? HOW?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Which one?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] France.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez yeah
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The French don’t like anybody
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s that?
[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] welcome!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome ed
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who’s this now?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ji Firepaw
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ah…well this should be entertaining.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh…sort of a mixed bag
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They mean well, but…I don’t know. We’ll see
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] brb
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome to the guild!
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Speaking of which
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] he seems quiet.
[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi gil
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hello, Utvoch.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] can you see this?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ah there we are
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no this is dontrag
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Welcome aboard, Ed.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Edward.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, are you sure, Utvoch? I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no, i logged on for a little while last night
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it looks fun
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes i’m sure
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we’ve talked about this before
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.
[Guild][Lorthemar] A double welcome to you, then!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] are you new too?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You really love messing with him, don’t you?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why yes. Yes I do.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Whichever one of them he actually is.
[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh
[Guild][Lorthemar] No, I’m not.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Can you blame me, really?
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] are you sure your not new lor?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dont think i’ve seen you on before
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes I’m sure.
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new, for the hundredth time.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time. that wouldn’t be new.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you can only be new once.
[Guild][Lorthemar] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what class are you playing ed?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I know some things can be a little confusing at first.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a farmer
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they don’t really sound too exciting to play
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What kind?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You should have gotten one too, Edward
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] A dog
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t you already have one?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i get it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There are a lot of different breeds.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You already have it, Edward.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg i love the new pet sparring!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh there it is
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what kind did you get?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how can i see the details?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click on it.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Eat well!
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BYE EVERYONE
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] byeeeee
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok i think i see it now
[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s the verdict?
[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it says it’s called a poodle
[Guild][Lorthemar] You can name it, too, if you want to.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re supposed to be smart
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i do that?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you mean they make good spellcasters? or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click again, then pick “rename.”
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No problem.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I put out a few feelers
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok done
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] done what?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s…that’s remarkable.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern. Something about questions about my temperament
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named the pet
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh nice
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week
[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi steve
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who knew, right?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That -had- to have been a Thrall program.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hi guys
[Guild][Lorthemar] So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Steve!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named her winnie
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sup man
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] after my aunt, jae win
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] she had similarly poofy hair
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] not too much
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, not too clear about any more than that
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually
[Guild][Lorthemar] That works.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thanks
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey who’s the new guy?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Ji, quick question
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just joined the guild today
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] nice to meet you
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no not you
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes warchief? i mean guildmaster
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i meant the other new guy
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lorthemar
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You might know something about this
[Guild][Lorthemar] ugh
[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, SERIOUSLY
[Guild][Lorthemar] Enough is enough already.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh sure, “?” at me
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”
[Guild][Lorthemar] Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, what’s this guy’s damage?
[Guild][Lorthemar] So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME
[Guild][Lorthemar] SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME
[Guild][Lorthemar] I
[Guild][Lorthemar] AM NOT
[Guild][Lorthemar] NEW
[Guild][Lorthemar] Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?
[Guild][Lorthemar] I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS
[Guild][Lorthemar] I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN
[Guild][Lorthemar] I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!
[Guild][Lorthemar] REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS
[Guild][Lorthemar] It NOT HARD to remember that part
[Guild][Lorthemar] LOOK
[Guild][Lorthemar] <–
[Guild][Lorthemar] SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?
[Guild][Lorthemar] “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR
[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT’S ME
[Guild][Lorthemar] LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON
[Guild][Lorthemar] RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES
[Guild][Lorthemar] ME
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh hi, lorthemar. welcome to the guild.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] did you just join?
[Guild][Lorthemar] sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg
[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while
[Lorthemar] has logged off.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well what crawled up his ass?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s a blood elf. Who knows
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] um
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, well…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] your naivete is adorable.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or dungeons
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh. um.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i guess i’ll go back to leveling
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Where in the world are you?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] orgrimmar
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No, I mean, where in the game?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just got sent to a region called siberia
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a little bit, yes sir
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] we try to be, yes sir
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] particularly for controlling anger
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU stay out of this
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When you’re not playing video games or blogging.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] and now i have things missing from my inventory
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh those russian mob guys are nasty
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You said you were in Siberia?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll be back
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, you have to watch for that.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.
You have logged off.
Invasion incoming
In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there. Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know. Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.
So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria. We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes. Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning. Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.
Cut to the transcript.
GARROSH: First, a status update. The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there. They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover. Most of them, anyway.
EITRIGG: Are Nazgrim and his team all right?
GARROSH: Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather. Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt. You know him.
MALKOROK: I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?
GARROSH: Not so much. The battle was basically a stalemate.
MALKOROK: You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc? And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?
EITRIGG: Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…
MALKOROK: And now you defend his incompetence, old man?
GARROSH: Well hey, look, Malkorok. Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.
MALKOROK: And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?
GARROSH: Yeah, but look at the locals. I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me? <scans around the room> No offense. But yeah, Nazgrim? LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.
MALKOROK: What about the Alliance?
GARROSH: What about them?
MALKOROK: The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well. Who did they have fighting for them?
EITRIGG: <scanning notes> I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…
GARROSH: Something with a “J,” I think.
MOKVAR: Jinyu.
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.
MOKVAR: <paging through reports> Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.
GARROSH: <blinks, then rubs forehead> …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?
MALKOROK: You see?
EITRIGG: Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance? I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…
GARROSH: Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there. I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though. Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…
Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.
EITRIGG: Warchief?
MOKVAR: Garrosh?
Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.
GARROSH: Yeah. Sorry. I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad. Where was I?
MOKVAR: Monkeys versus fish men.
GARROSH: Yeah. Monkeys versus fish men. So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?
MOKVAR: Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.
GARROSH: I know, right?
EITRIGG: Warchief…focus, please.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, okay… So… <sighs> …monkeys versus fish men. Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart. From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster. Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattered.
MALKOROK: What kind of monster could take out both armies?
GARROSH: From what Krog reported, it…
Vol’jin enters.
Hang on. What are YOU doing here, troll?
VOL’JIN: I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon. I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.
GARROSH: Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…
VOL’JIN: Ya see now, mon? Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation! Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.
GARROSH: <rubbing forehead> What. Do you WANT. Vol’jin?
VOL’JIN: I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.
GARROSH: Keep an eye on me? I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.
VOL’JIN: I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.
MALKOROK: You know I can easily take care of—
GARROSH: Not now, Malkorok. <grumbles> Fine. You can sit in, Vol’jin. TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.
VOL’JIN: Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon. Ya won’t even know I be here. It’ll be like I be invisible.
Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar. He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.
GARROSH: Okay, well—
VOL’JIN: Like da Lich King’s horse!
GARROSH: Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.
VOL’JIN: Sure, mon.
Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok. Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.
GARROSH: So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart. Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.
VOL’JIN: <eyes narrow> You don’ say, mon…
MALKOROK: Hmm…interesting… I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha. If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…
VOL’JIN: Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.
MALKOROK: I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.
MOKVAR: He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.
EITRIGG: As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…
MOKVAR: Wait, seriously?
MALKOROK: You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?
MOKVAR: Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?
MALKOROK: Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.
MOKVAR: I used to be a warlock.
MALKOROK: Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you? Then by all means continue, scribe. Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.
Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.
GARROSH: Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same. I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion. The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base. We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.
EITRIGG: Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.
GARROSH: Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm? Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.
VOL’JIN: So we be doin’ dis, eh mon? Bringin’ da war to dis new land?
MALKOROK: The war has already been brought, troll. We now bring only victory.
GARROSH: Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.
MALKOROK: Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief. Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.
EITRIGG: What trainee program is this? I haven’t heard anything about it.
MALKOROK: Nor would you. It’s a Kor’kron program.
EITRIGG: I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now. Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?
MALKOROK: <visibly annoyed> The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.
EITRIGG: Orcish youth? What age do you mean?
MALKOROK: I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man. Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.
VOL’JIN: By da spirits, mon, dey be children!
MALKOROK: A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll. I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.
VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much. Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.
GARROSH: Can’t imagine why.
MALKOROK: Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors. If anything, this is an honor.
GARROSH: Fourteen, though, huh? I thought it was fifteen.
MALKOROK: No, Warchief, fourteen.
GARROSH: Are you certain? I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.
MALKOROK: No, sir. I suppose that might have been a regional difference?
GARROSH: Huh, okay. Fourteen, then.
VOL’JIN: I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon. Not one bit a it. Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…
GARROSH: Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin. Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing. You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.
VOL’JIN: Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ’em.
MALKOROK: I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll. Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose. I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.
VOL’JIN: I drew da short straw, mon.
GARROSH: All right, enough of this. Both of you quiet down. It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks. And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening. And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.
VOL’JIN: Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon. If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.
GARROSH: Damn right. You’re finally getting it. Okay then… I think that covers everything. I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few. For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion. Oh, and Eitrigg?
EITRIGG: Yes, sir?
GARROSH: When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.
EITRIGG: Yes, sir.
GARROSH: There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.
VOL’JIN: Oh, hey, mon…
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?
VOL’JIN: You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?
GARROSH: Yeah, you know them?
VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat. Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.
GARROSH: “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.
VOL’JIN: No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right? Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?” An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!
GARROSH: <chortles> Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl? We thought they knew how to walk upright. Is it some kind of a rule there?”
VOL’JIN: <laughing> Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!
GARROSH: <chuckling> Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles. “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them? I only counted like 60. Did we miss some?”
VOL’JIN: <laughs more> You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.
Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table. Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye. After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.
GARROSH: <scowls> Fucking troll.
VOL’JIN: <aside, muttering> Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…
Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.
When we last left Krog…
…he was fussing around in the Jade Forest checking on what was left of the original Horde fleet at Garrosh’ar Point. (By the way, gotta admit, that name really does have a ring to it. Too bad the place wound up getting trashed.) I asked you all to chime in on what Krog should do next — because spirits forbid my investigator should make a decision on his own — and you guys decided that his priority should be tracking down Anduin, who’s apparently on the loose out there in Pandaria. Because he happened to be on one of the Alliance ships cruising around the middle of nowhere in the southern oceans. Because Varian’s really on top of his shit when it comes to watching out for his kid. So for those of you keeping score at home, that makes him a shitty king, a shitty fighter, a shitty strategist, a shitty blogger, a shitty dancer, AND a shitty dad. With shitty hair. Also fuck you, Varian.
Anyway.
I sent the new orders along to Krog a couple days ago. Here are highlights from his latest report from the field:
attempted to find a trail for anduin after his departure from the wreckage of the alliance flagship, but leads were inconclusive in light of heavy activity in the area recently. stealthing through the pearlfin jinyu village revealed little, jinyu numbers seemed depleted as most warriors appear to have been sent elsewhere, but no indication of the prince. also, alliance members appear to have left jinyu village as well.
pandaren of paw’don village remain under alliance influence. i attempted to approach a village guard to make inquiries in support of anduin investigation. greeted poorly. also violently. with equally poor and violent treatment from additional, rapidly arriving guards. for future reference: pandaren not necessarily as cuddly as initial cursory observations would suggest.
after hasty exit from paw’don village, i was indulging in some cathartic venting at the pandaren guards (from safe distance), mainly elaborating on varieties of evisceration i would unleash on them given the chance to open with a good stunlock, when i began to experience odd sensations – unfocused violent urges, fits of anger, coupled with strange sense of mental detachment.
in the midst of these sensations, pandaren local appeared and began channeling a spell of some kind on me – violent impulses abated, and a handful of small black creatures spawned around me only to die immediately. pandaren did not identify himself; too busy complaining about energies being brought by my “fellow strangers” to pandaria; added something about the land living and breathing, whatever that means. wore distinctive hat and scarf (unsure if this looked goofy or cool on him). when pressed for explanation, he directed me to a nearby pavilion, then left, making parting complaint about it being a busy week for him. non-cuddly impression of the pandaren people gaining traction.
i made my way to the pavilion, where i met another pandaren native – THIS one was willing to give a name: lorewalker cho. apparently a historian of some sort. identified black creatures as manifestation of sentient dark energy called sha; added this was a minor manifestation; grew notably withdrawn when pressed on question of what a major manifestation would be like. when questioned for leads on anduin, cho indicated that he’d spoken with others also looking for the prince – presumably alliance – and had helped give them visions to lead them in right direction. i was able to convince him to show me one of these visions; brief vision revealed anduin traveling north with two pandaren, an older male and younger female, before parting ways.
i was able to follow the trail north and found the pandaren female – who was making preparations to bury the older male, her father, who had succumbed to injuries shortly after anduin’s departure. she didn’t have much information, but did provide interesting development: while with anduin, they were intercepted by alliance SI:7 operatives who attempted to take the prince with them. intent on pursuing other interests in pandaria, anduin used mind control on SI:7 agents to elude them.
Okay, I’m going to stop this here for just a second to point something out here. These SI:7 people are supposed to be Varian’s elite team of secret agents or whatever. And these people…the best of the best, the Alliance’s A#1 crack team…got bamboozled by a fourteen-year-old boy.
Can someone please explain to me WHY THE FUCK we haven’t beaten these people yet?
Okay, moving on.
followed anduin’s trail westward. in transit, reached area called serpent’s heart, where a major battle had recently taken place – area littered with large number of hozen and jinyu bodies; ground scarred with surreal black-and-white patterns and dark energy tendrils; several larger versions of the black sha creatures swarming vicinity.
while surveying the area, gunshots broke out, seemingly from two directions. i was grazed by a bullet, which took me out of stealth; initially confused as to how i could have been targeted while effectively invisible. once unstealthed, however, i was pulled behind cover of rocks by horde operative: marksman shokia, who had been engaged in shoot-out with an alliance sniper.
between shots, shokia filled in some details: anduin had been captured by shademaster kiryn and was being held at horde base in hozen village prior to battle between horde and alliance here at serpent’s heart. during battle, enormous sha creature appeared, spawned several lesser sha, and attacked both sides. the primary sha was driven off and most survivors from both armies evacuated from field, but shokia and the alliance sniper were left behind in the confusion. both have been trying to pick each other off from behind cover since.
awaiting further orders.
So, since Krog is apparently still unable to make a call on his own, even when he’s PINNED DOWN IN THE FIELD, I’ll kick it back to you all…
