Greetings, random internet surfer.

Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board. Depending on how you found your way here, you may or may not know what this site actually is. If you don’t, allow me to illuminate. What you see before you is the personal blog of Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde.

No, seriously. No joke. This is really Garrosh. [OOC disclaimer from our legal department: This isn’t really Garrosh.]

If this sounds like something that might interest you, perhaps you’d care to peruse the blog to learn a bit more about it and what kinds of adventures I’ve been detailing thus far. But I’d like to take a moment here to speak to those of you who already suspect that this site isn’t quite what you had set out looking for.

Greetings again, my good internet denizens.

From your arrival here, I gather that you too are a fan of the Google search engine. I can’t say I blame you. I know I’ve found many lemon square recipes that I never would have known about (though admittedly still no match for Greatmother’s) courtesy of the good people at Google.

I’m also happy to have new potential readers find their way here, regardless of how. So welcome, one and all.

With that said, I suppose I may want to address the concerns that some of you may be feeling at this point. And yes, I’m afraid you may be in for no small amount of disappointment, my friends. I regret to inform you that the odds are great that you will not find the true object of your search here.

Because, you see, while I am certainly no friend of Jaina Proudmoore, and while you’ll find no shortage of mockery and outright hostility directed at her from me here, I’m afraid that nowhere in these pages will you find visual evidence of her engaged in carnal acts with livestock. No cows. No goats. Not even a piddling little barnyard dog.

Yes, I know. In this shameful instance, the Google machine appears to have lied to you. I am as shocked and dismayed by this as you are.

Likewise, you will not find anything here that you might file under “Jaina Proudmoore captured xxx,” much to the chagrin of at least three of you. I would of course be only too happy to report the capture of an enemy of the Horde such as Jaina, but I fear that the “xxx” on the end of the search string adds a further wrinkle which renders the already-unlikely scenario much more far-fetched.

Well, okay. Somewhat more far-fetched. This is Jaina we’re talking about. But I digress.

While we’re on the subject, you’re also not going to find “Jaina Proudmoore and Varian porn,” “Jaina and Tyrande porn,” “Jaina Proudmoore Muradin porn” or – despite its rampant popularity – “Jaina Proudmoore and Sylvanas porn.” Speaking of which, let’s just extend the whole blanket “nope” to any comparable permutations involving Sylvanas. No Argent Confessor Paletress. No Liadrin. No High Inquisitor Whitemane. No Shademaster Kiryn. Not gonna happen, people. Trust me. I’ve floated a couple of those by her more than once myself. She’s not biting. Let it go.

Moreover, whoever among you came here looking for “Jaina Proudmoore climbing pole to victory porn drawing” (yes, really), “pandaren fucked by brown virmen” (yes, really), “broken blood elf statue with vagina showing” (yes, really), “Grimtotem fucking with Mankrik’s wife while Mankrik sees it” (yes, really)…I honestly don’t know what to say to any of you. Other than perhaps having to offer you some begrudging respect for knowing exactly what you want in your lives. Horrifying and sad though they may be.

But alas, your simple albeit distressingly specific wishes will not be fulfilled here. Once again, the perfidious Google machine makes fools of us all.

And whichever one of you found your way here in search of “King Varian Wrynn gets a little diplomatic with Aggra’s butt porn” – and yes, one of you did (you know who are you are) – I can only shake my head sadly and mourn whatever tragedy befell you in childhood. I would also suggest securing your home, as I suspect there’s at least a passing chance Thrall may be on his way over as we speak.

And, further, nowhere on this blog will you find anything that might be described as “Varian Wrynn raped by devilsaur,” although, let me assure you, language cannot express the delight with which I would provide you with such documentation if I could.

Indeed, the only fleeting glimmer of hope I can offer amid this endless parade of sadness would be whoever came to the blog searching for “man what the f happened Horde” – a sentiment with which I can certainly sympathize, and which I have likely expressed in my posts here on more occasions than one. Sadly, though, it is a question for which I can offer you no answers, my friend. I wish I knew what the f happened. I truly, truly do.

For those among you who are regular readers of this blog, and who might hasten to point out that this very post may well exacerbate this Google hit issue by providing additional suspect phrases for the search engine to latch onto, let me reassure you that I am only too aware of this possibility. And to any such Google users who do indeed find their way here as a result, I will only say:

Greetings, random internet surfer. Welcome to the Warchief’s Command Board. I would tell you that you will leave this site empty-handed, but I suppose that partly depends on how you arrived.

Finally, if I might add a closing postscript: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?!?!!

Ugh.

UGH.

MOVING ON.