Monthly Archives: March 2016
Four Heads are (Slightly) Better than Two
You know, it’s a funny thing how sometimes, when you think you’ve reached a dead end, life ends up throwing you a bone. (Or maybe a mixed metaphor?) Ever since I looked in on Golmash — that worg that Ogunaro Wolfrunner reported showing some disturbing behavior (major undersell, by the way) — I’d been trying to research a few possible ideas involving shaman and warlock magic, but hadn’t been able to find anything. I felt like I’d run out of ideas.
That changed yesterday afternoon during a meeting between Garrosh, Lantresor, and a few others. Lantresor mentioned that he’d been accompanying Mogor the ogre down to Brackenwall Village every now and again, but Mogor (the ogre) had learned his way around well enough that he was going by himself to see Draz’Zilb.
That’s when it occurred to me that Draz’Zilb is pretty knowledgeable when it comes to shadow magic. Garrosh had brought him in on a project or two a while back, and he always seemed pretty sharp… you know, once you got past the evil. Then again, with my personal history, that’s something you learn to shrug off pretty quickly. Oh well.
I excused myself from the rest of the meeting so I could go look for Mogor. The ogre. Since I knew Garrosh had a security conference with Malkorok afterward, though, I sent for Taktani to cover for me with the notetaking. Granted, I don’t think Garrosh necessarily had anything he needed recorded in that particular meeting, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to leave Malkorok having to endure Tak’s, um, aggressive cheerfulness. And the hugs. No matter how much grouchier they made him. Which would only convince Tak that she needed to try harder to cheer Malkorok up. Now, sure, I wasn’t around to see any of this, but I can imagine it. And I do. Often. Whenever I’m having a bad day. It always puts a smile on my face. You should try it sometime.
I managed to track down Mogor just before he was about to leave for Dustwallow and convinced him to let me tag along. When we got there, Draz’Zilb set Mogor up with some sort of potion he’d been working on that restores a major chunk of Mogor’s intelligence. (I guess Mogor used to be a lot smarter. Don’t ask me what happened to him.) From what I gather, the effects of Draz’Zilb’s potion wear off after a matter of hours, which explains why Mogor’s been making a habit of going down there to see him.
An added benefit for me was that Mogor’s a shaman, and used to be a pretty good one, back before… you know… something happened to his head. Whatever it was. That meant he was able to join us in the conversation I was having with Draz’Zilb and actually contribute something from the shaman side of things. The whole thing had the added bonus of taking place in a remote location far removed from any prying eyes that might ordinarily be trying to peek in on business.
I won’t bore everyone with the details of the conversation. Lots of warlock and shaman shop talk. It ended up sounding pretty familiar, though, or at least reminiscent of some of that business Draz’Zilb was helping Garrosh deal with involving Magatha a couple years ago. Mogor was able to chip in a few odds and ends involving shaman incantations, particular some things he’d seen from some of the old orchish shamans back in the day. The end result of the discussion didn’t really tell me anything definite, but the more we talked, the more Draz’Zilb and Mogor were able to connect some dots from based on their experience, and what they had to say rang just true enough to make me think I may be on the right track.
I think I have a few avenues to take to try to follow up on this, mostly after we get back from Pandaria. The down side is that even if I’m thinking along the right lines, I don’t know how to test what I’m thinking, at least not without killing Golmash. Which I would imagine would defeat at least some of the point of the exercise. More importantly, though, if Golmash dies, I honestly don’t know what will happen. Or what we actually lose, or just how important the loss will be. But it has to be something important, because if I’m right, someone went to a lot of trouble and blurred a whole lot of lines. But I don’t know who, or when, or why. Part of me doesn’t even really want to find out.
Because here’s the gist of it. You remember when I said that the wolf’s growl sounded full, like there was more in there than even his voice could contain? If what I suspect is true, then I was more right then I realized. Only it’s not that there’s something more inside him. It’s that there’s someone.
I think Golmash is a soulstone.
Mokvar
“Contrary to popular belief, I can fix stupid.”
The Great Noblegarden Easter Egg Hunt!
Hi everyone — Averry here for a special announcement that simply wouldn’t make any sense coming from Garrosh. Specifically, I’m here to announce a special IN-BLOG CONTEST in honor of Noblegarden!
As long-time (and probably even short-time) readers know, my writing in the blog is punctuated by fairly frequent references — to movies, to music, to books, to other games, you name it. Some of these references are pretty blatant, while others are fairly subtle. But they’re all over the place, as evidenced by the fact that the “oblique references” tag, which I try to include on posts that include one of my obscure-or-not references, is one of the most common ones in the blog.
And so, this Noblegarden, you’re all invited to go Easter egg hunting, in the figurative sense! The contest is this: look through WCB posts that have been tagged for “oblique references,” and see how many of them you can correctly identify. Prizes to those who are able to ID the greatest number of them!
The nuts and bolts of how this will work:
- The contest begins as of the moment this post goes live, and will be open for entries until Noblegarden ends in-game at 2:00 PM EDT on Monday, April 4, 2016.
- Go to a post tagged with “oblique references” (look at that! thoughtfully linked for your convenience!) and see if you can spot the reference(s). Think you know where that familiar-sounding line came from? Great! Now click over to the blog’s Forum section, where I’ve added a new topic in the Blog Discussions forum (see how considerate I am, linking you over yet again!). Reply to this topic (or start your own, but please stay within the Blog Discussions section) and ID your reference(s). If you’re right, I’ll reply to your post to confirm it within 24 hours at the most; if you’re wrong, well, you’ll just hear crickets. THE FIRST PERSON to correctly identify the source of a given reference will get a point for finding an “Easter egg.” In the event of any dispute, the more specific identification wins the tiebreaker (i.e., “the scene in Star Wars when Luke first meets Princess Leia” trumps “Star Wars“).
- Winners will be determined, obviously, by whoever can accumulate the most points in the time the contest is running. Since a given reference will only award a point to one person, it’s to your advantage to jump on the ones you know as quickly as possible. You don’t, however, have to submit all your answers at the same time; it’s perfectly okay to add entries on the forum a few at a time, or even one at a time, if you feel that that will help you beat others to the punch on some references. If you submit multiple entries, please do so using the same screen name, so I can be sure to award you all the points you deserve.
- In case anyone’s wondering, I’m asking people to use the forum for their entries simply to prevent my email and Twitter from getting flooded with entries that I’ll need to keep organized and possibly track for timestamps. This way, everything is one place, and what’s more, you can all see which references have been correctly ID’ed. This is good for the contest, since you’ll know if a particular Easter egg is already off the table, but I think it could also be fun for everyone as readers, since the forum will basically become a running index of blog references that you might not have picked up on otherwise!
- All posts tagged with “oblique references” are fair game. I’m absolutely sure that there are also some posts on the blog without this tag that include references, but out of fairness to those who might not want to pore over every last post in the blog, anything without an “oblique reference” tag won’t count toward the contest.
- Also worth noting: Some posts tagged for references may include more than one. In fact, I can tell you in no uncertain terms, some of them do. Remember, points are awarded per Easter egg, not per post. Just because someone else already nabbed one of a post’s references doesn’t prevent you from scoring a point for the second or third.
So, what’s in it for you? You mean besides the fun of reliving some of your favorite moments from WCB past? Okay, fine, here’s the part about winners and prizes!
- One first-place winner will receive his or her choice of any mount available at the Blizzard Store, plus your very own plush Mortimer, which includes an in-game wyvern cub pet.
- Three second-place winners will receive their choice of any companion pet available from the Blizzard Store.
- If you already have all the mounts and pets you want, we can talk about substitutions of other items from the Blizzard Store. I’m sure we can find you something you’ll like!
I think that covers it, so what are you doing still sitting here reading? Get hunting!
(One other quick note — while you’re taking a stroll down blog-memory lane, why not toss a few star ratings on your favorite posts? (Or any/all of them!) This really isn’t just me fishing for praise. (I mean, I am fishing, but that’s not all I’m after!) I recently added a widget to the left sidebar that lists links for the blog’s top-rated posts; the only trouble is that when I moved WCB to its new domain, the ratings and likes that people had given on the old site didn’t carry over, so the current “Top Rated” listings are skewed toward recent material and overlook old favorites like “Anger management” or “Of wyverns and pine cones” or “Locks in Socks.” So, while you’re reliving some of the silliness of the past, why not balance out the voting a little?)
Be seeing you,
Averry
This is gonna hurt…
…but I guess I might as well just pull the bandage off instead of picking at it.
Maybe. Ugh.
So, okay. After the way things went down with Gurtash, and the braintrust tailing him, Eitrigg had one of those rare moments when he had an idea I actually agreed with. Eventually. Begrudgingly.
So, yeah, let’s get this over with.
In light of his — hold the presses — good work the other day, and stepping up to make the save with Gurtash… I’ve decided… been persuaded… to give Scout Utvoch… a promotion.
To Grunt.
Which probably isn’t even as big a deal as it might sound, seeing as Scout is the entry-level Horde military rank, and Utvoch’s been a scout for like eleven years. Which is sort of the military equivalent of repeating your freshman in high school until you’re 27. Although if you happen to be THIS hypothetical freshman, it… never mind. TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE.
ANYWAY, point is, I guess this is maybe overdue anyway.
Maybe.
You know, if you overlook the crashing incompetence.
BUT I GUESS TODAY ISN’T THE DAY TO GET INTO THAT.
So, yeah, grats, Utvoch.
Fuck. Now I have to figure out which one of the Wonder Twins he is.
Adult supervision recommended
I mentioned last time about how I had an idea about Gurtash and his… well, let’s be generous and call it “shaky” progress with his warrioring, and how he seemed like he was tensing up under the pressure he was putting on himself. Granted, the pressure he’ll wind up being under in actual combat situation — you know, “fuck up and die” type pressure — is probably going to be a whole lot more than whatever he’s got going on upstairs, but still. One step at a time. There’s only so much I can help him until I get him out of his own head.
So anyhow, I got the idea that what Gurtash really needed was to put up a win for himself without me or Lantresor hovering over him. Something simple where he gets a nice, easy fight with nothing to worry about OTHER than the fight, then come out on top, boost his confidence, and maybe get the damn monkey off his back.
I mean, figuratively speaking. I’m pretty sure we didn’t have any hozen stowing away with us on the trip back from Pandaria.
So, earlier today, when he was taking Grimjaw out for another spin to practice his riding, I gave Gurtash an extra little errand to tend to. While he was making the rounds in Durotar, I told him to keep an eye out for a good-sized boar, then kill it and bring it home. There’s no shortage of wild boars a ways south of Orgrimmar, but none of them are especially big or dangerous. So, we’re looking at a real fish-in-barrel situation. Easy kill, nobody peeking over his shoulder that he needs to concern himself with, then, as an added perk, he gets to head home to Orgrimmar and have a dinner made from his own kill. Nothing tastes better.
Well, some things do. But not when your own kill just so happens to be made of pork chops and bacon. See how I stack the deck?
Still, I did want to get an idea of how the kid managed, even if the win was a foregone conclusion. So I arranged to have a scout and a notetaker follow at a distance to keep an eye on how the kid was doing, then report to me.
And, okay, you got me. When I say “a scout” and “a notetaker,” I’m also using this as an excuse to… you know… give Taktani and Utvoch something to do that doesn’t involve them being in my hair all afternoon. Metaphorically. I figured Tak would be only too happy (“too happy” is sort of her default setting, isn’t it?) to jump at a new scribing assignment, and seeing as Utvoch’s actual RANK is “Scout,” a literal scouting job might actually be something he can handle. Then again, that’s what I thought about him and Dontrag using their cashier characters for actual cashier duty on Earth Online that time, and we all know how that worked out. But I’m trying not to think about that. It’s not good for my blood pressure.
Anyway, though, speaking of Utvoch’s other half, I also let Dontrag tag along on this assignment. Mostly because sending just ONE of them would require me to remember which one of them is which, and fuck if I know. So… Dontrag, Utvoch, and Tak. A real braintrust going on this job. Thank goodness it’s an easy babysitting assignment.
Tak notes incoming. (Spirits help us all.)
(YAY! Mr. Warchief gave me a MISSION! It sounds super important, too! I’m supposed to watch Mr. Gurtash while he goes on HIS mission, only I’m not supposed to let him see me! So I have to be super sneaky! SSSSHHHHH! It’s like I’m a SPY! Maybe I should try to stealth so I can sneak around in the shadows! I AM SHADOW CAT! Hee hee! Only I guess I really shouldn’t stealth, since Mr. D and Mr. U are supposed to come with me — Yay! — and then I might sneak along to watch Mr. Gurtash and then I’ll try to talk to Mr. D and Mr. U, but they won’t be there because they didn’t see me move, and then everyone would be confused and sad. So I guess maybe I shouldn’t do that. Again.
(Mr. Gurtash rode around for a while on his wolfie. His wolfie looks nice, all cute and furry. Mr. D and Mr. U have wolfies, too. I wonder what their names are! I should ask them! I mean ask Mr. D and Mr. U, not ask the wolfies. They probably don’t speak Common or Taur-ahe. Maybe they speak Orcish? They probably only speak wolfie. I bet that would be a fun language to learn! AWOOO!
(I like Mr. D and Mr. U’s wolfies, but they’re not as cute as Mr. Gurtash’s — don’t tell them I said that, though! If you know how to speak wolfie, I mean. I don’t want them to be sad! — but then I guess Mr. Gurtash’s wolfie is still kind of a wolf puppy, and Mr. D and Mr. U’s wolves are all grown up and not as fuzzy.
(Maybe I can get a wolfie friend, too! I guess it would have to be a big wolfie to carry me if I’m in tauren form? We usually ride kodos, and kodos are super nice too but they’re not furry like wolves. Maybe I could just have a wolfie friend who’ll let me ride on his back as a cat? I’m a little smaller that way so maybe that would be lighter for the wolfie. Ooh and since wolfies are kind of like puppies, it would be like a kitty riding a doggy! Dogs and cats living together! Crazy! Hee hee!
(I flew around as a bird most of the time we were following Mr. Gurtash. Mr. D and Mr. U followed on their wolfies from farther away. So I watched Mr. Gurtash from way up high — WHOOSH! hee hee! — and Mr. D and Mr. U watched me. Then Mr. Gurtash rode his wolfie around the rocky place near Razor Hill. Mr. D and Mr. U rode through the town. I circled past it. It looked like there were lots of guards there. It must be very safe! That must be why Mr. Warchief wanted Mr. Gurtash to go on his mission near here.
(After Mr. Gurtash got off his wolfie, I landed near some rocks on the cliffs above him. I could look down at Mr. Gurtash and even hide behind the rocks if he looked this way! Hee hee — being sneaky is fun!
(Mr. D and Mr. U caught up so they could watch Mr. Gurtash too. It took them a little while to climb up to where I was. I forget sometimes that they can’t fly too! It’s a good thing I picked a perch with big rocks — Mr. D and Mr. U need bigger rocks to hide behind than I do! So we stayed there and watched Mr. Gurtash for a little while.)
UTVOCH – Is it clear to look again?
DONTRAG – I think so. He’s got his back to us.
(Mr. U came out from behind the rocks and watched Mr. Gurtash with me and Mr. D again. Mr. Gurtash was fighting a big piggy.)
TAKTANI – Is he doing good?
UTVOCH – He seems okay.
DONTRAG – He’s not going to lose or anything, but he’s handling his axe kind of awkward.
UTVOCH – Was he going for a rend there?
DONTRAG – I’m not sure.
TAKTANI – What’s that?
DONTRAG – Rend? A warrior ability.
UTVOCH – Or a warrior.
DONTRAG – Well, yeah, him too.
TAKTANI – Is he a friend of yours? Maybe I can meet him!
UTVOCH – No, he’s dead now.
TAKTANI – Oh. I’m sorry! =(
UTVOCH – Don’t be. He was kind of a jerk.
DONTRAG – Yeah, really.
UTVOCH – But rend is kind of like rake for you, Tak.
TAKTANI – Ohh!
DONTRAG – Since when do you know druid abilities?
UTVOCH – Donty, I know lots of stuff you don’t know about.
DONTRAG – Whatever you need to tell yourself, Ut.
TAKTANI – The piggy must be really strong. He’s been fighting Mr. Gurtash for a long time!
UTVOCH – That’s mostly because the trainee’s taking a while to wear it down.
DONTRAG – Yeah.
UTVOCH – He looks like he’s a little steadier now than he was.
DONTRAG – Yeah. He’ll kill it, but it’s just taking him a while.
TAKTANI – So he’s winning?
UTVOCH – I guess you could say that.
TAKTANI – Yay! I get to give Mr. Warchief a good report!
DONTRAG – Well, maybe not that good.
UTVOCH – Okay at least.
TAKTANI – This is fun! We should be spies together more!
DONTRAG – Maybe the Warchief will want to send us on more jobs like this if we do a good job?
UTVOCH – Maybe for his other trainees?
DONTRAG – I guess. Wouldn’t it make more sense to spy on the Alliance, though?
TAKTANI – Why?
DONTRAG – Well, because Gurt… Gurtak?
TAKTANI – Mr. Gurtash! I think. (checking my notes) Yes! Mr. Gurtash!
DONTRAG – Okay, so, Gurtash is one of us.
TAKTANI – Yay!
DONTRAG – And the Alliance is the enemy.
TAKTANI – Oh… Why?
DONTRAG – Well, uh, we’re kind of at war with them.
TAKTANI – (blinking) We are?
DONTRAG – Uh, yeah… you didn’t… I mean, nobody told you?
TAKTANI – (shaking head) Nuh uh!
DONTRAG – Oh. Well, um, yeah, we’re at war with the Alliance.
TAKTANI – That doesn’t sound very nice.
DONTRAG – Well, uh… I guess it’s not. But… but there’s honor and glory!
TAKTANI – Ooh that sounds fun! How?!
DONTRAG – From killing enemies of the Horde!
TAKTANI – Killing— that doesn’t sound nice either!
DONTRAG – Well… I guess if… It’s what you do in a war, though! You kill your enemies. And we’re at war with the Alliance.
TAKTANI – Oh. (thinking) Why?
DONTRAG – Because… um… well I guess we just kind of are?
TAKTANI – But that doesn’t sound very nice!
DONTRAG – Well, uh… yeah, I guess. But we’ve kind of always been at war with them.
TAKTANI – (blinking) Like for always always?
DONTRAG – Uh. Well, as far back as I can remember, anyway. Like since before I was born.
TAKTANI – But… but why does everyone want to be fighting? Isn’t it better to be friends?
DONTRAG – Well I guess so, but they don’t like us… you know, the humans and the dwarves and the night elves–
TAKTANI – I thought the elfies were our friends!
DONTRAG – No, those are the blood elves. I think.
TAKTANI – There are different elfies?
DONTRAG – I’m pretty sure, yeah.
TAKTANI – But why?
DONTRAG – I don’t know, I think some of them left because magic or something, and then those elves became the blood elves, like after the undead killed most of them–
TAKTANI – Like Dr. Zombie?!
DONTRAG – No, uh, those were different undead. Sort of. Like I think they all started out as the same undead, and then some of them broke away, and those ones are our undead.
TAKTANI – So there are different zombies too?!
DONTRAG – Yeah, right, so… so there’s our undead, and then there’s the bad undead. Well, um, more bad.
TAKTANI – This is so confusing!
DONTRAG – Yeah, I know. I’m kind of losing track of it a little myself.
TAKTANI – So are the bad zombies with the Alliance?
DONTRAG – No, they’re… they’re off doing their own stuff. Eating brains or whatever.
TAKTANI – Oh.
DONTRAG – But the night elves are.
TAKTANI – They are?
DONTRAG – Yeah.
TAKTANI – But you said the Alliance want to hurt us!
DONTRAG – Well, yeah, they do.
TAKTANI – But I see night elves all the time in Moonglade and they don’t try to hurt me!
DONTRAG – Well… but those are druids, right?
TAKTANI – I think?
DONTRAG – Yeah, I think that’s different.
TAKTANI – (blinks) I don’t understand.
DONTRAG – I mean, I guess druids kind of have their own thing. I think. But mostly the elves don’t like us.
TAKTANI – I don’t understand why we all can’t just be friends!
DONTRAG – I guess. I mean, the humans did kind of put us all in prison camps.
TAKTANI – What?! Who?
DONTRAG – All the orcs, pretty much.
TAKTANI – That’s so mean! Why would they do that to the orcies?
DONTRAG – I guess they were kind of mad about how we invaded from another world and… like… destroyed Stormwind and stuff.
TAKTANI – What?! Why would you do that?!
DONTRAG – Uh, dunno.
UTVOCH – Uh, guys?
DONTRAG – I think it was Garrosh’s dad’s idea or something.
TAKTANI – I don’t think I like these stories.
UTVOCH – Guys? Down here…
(Oops! I guess I got kind of distracted talking to Mr. D! It’s a good thing Mr. U was smart and kept watching Mr. Gurtash while we were talking! I guess Mr. Gurtash did okay with the big piggy he was fighting, but while he was doing that, some mean piggy men saw him and came over to try to hurt him! I remember there were piggy quillboar people like them in Mulgore, too, and they always used to cause trouble for everybody. I didn’t know they come here and try to hurt the orcies, too! OMG are they part of the Alliance too?!
(Oops I got distracted again! Mean silly quillies! But the mean quilly men were trying to hurt Mr. Gurtash — Boo! — and he tried to protect himself but there were three of them and only one of him. And Mr. D and I were busy talking about the war that I still don’t like and it seems really bad and not fun. But Mr. U was still watching and saw what was happening so he ran down to help Mr. Gurtash fight them. Once he was there helping, it didn’t take very long for them to win. At least, I think. Did I mention Mr. D and I weren’t really watching? Oops! But Mr. U won! Yay! He must be very strong to beat all the mean quillies all quick. I’m glad he’s on our side.
(I still don’t like how we have a war, though. It makes me sad. But Mr. Warchief is smart and I bet he’ll think of a way to make it stop!)
So, that’s it for Tak’s report. Actually, strictly speaking, there was three or four more pages of it, but those mostly consisted of pictures of butterflies and some of Tak’s highly nuanced views on ice cream and sugar cookies. So I figure I don’t need to subject everyone to that.
So… maybe not a flying-colors success for this plan. At least the kid had some backup. I mean, I’ve seen the scouting reports on those quillboar near Razor Hill. One of the reasons we’ve mostly left them alone is that they’re actually pretty weak and don’t pose any real threat to the town (Yeah, yeah, I know, some of you might have been told otherwise while you were working your way through Razor Hill on training assignments, but that’s just a little white lie to keep the busyworkers busy). Weak enough that even as a trainee, Gurtash shouldn’t have had that much trouble taking three of them — maybe even four — all by his lonesome.
So… more work to do. Back to the drawing board. I’ll come up with something.
More soon.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Learner’s permit
The last few days, I’ve been putting in some extra work with Gurtash on his melee skills. I even got Lantresor to come in, like I was thinking about the other day, but even that didn’t seem to move the needle very much. (Ol’ Lantresor was doing a pretty damn good job with the mentoring, though, even if the end results weren’t there. I might have to see about bringing him in to talk to the other trainees.)
It’s a weird thing, though. It’s not like the kid is uncoordinated… well, it’s not like he’s RIDICULOUSLY uncoordinated. Or just flat-out inept. He moves well, he’s got good hand-eye coordination, but any time he tries sparring, within a few moves he ends up backed into a corner, like he’s playing catch-up. It’s as if he gets caught up too much in his own head and can’t keep up with the fight.
I’m starting to think the kid’s just putting too much pressure on himself when he knows he’s being observed. Like, he knows Lantresor and I are watching his moves, so he gets so focused on putting on a good show for US and not making any mistakes, he winds up not paying enough attention to what he’s DOING. You know how it goes — anytime you get all caught up in not doing anything wrong, you just wind up tensing up so much that you make mistakes you never would ordinarily. Anyhow, that’s what I think might be going on with Gurtash. It’s dumb, I know, seeing as the whole point of the exercise was for Lantresor and I to HELP him, but that’s kids for you.
Anyway, while Gurtash’s combat development has been kind of stuck in neutral, he HAS been making some pretty steady progress on a different learning curve. Ever since I showed him Grimjaw — that young wolf that Ogunaro Wolfrunner donated for Horde service — he’s been heading over to the stables every chance he’s gotten to see the little furball. The two of them seemed to bond pretty quickly, so I went ahead and set Gurtash up to start his riding training with Kildar over at the Hunters’ Hall. He’s been working on it for the last few days and seems to be taking to it pretty quickly. As it happens, that also means the kid’s been able to see Ogunaro himself while he’s been over there, and let him see that Grimjaw’s doing well.
From what I can gather, the riding training is coming along well enough. No major snafus, at least. Gurtash has been taking Grimjaw for short practice rides around Orgrimmar when Kildan and the Kor’kron stable masters have had a free window to clear it. Sometimes a pass around Durotar when there’s time for a prolonged run. Seems to be good for the kid. Takes his mind off his other training problems and anything else he’s been carrying around lately.
As for those other training issues, I think I’ve got an idea. Stay tuned.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Interdisciplinary Studies
There’s been enough going on lately that I haven’t really had a chance to follow up on that wolf — Golmash — that Ogunaro Wolfrunner’s been having issues with. (Now don’t start getting after me about time I’ve spent since then at things like the Pandaren Noodle Festival — I have to have some down time, don’t I?) After the last time I was there to see Golmash, I knew it was going to take some research — into both shaman and warlock matters — to get to the bottom of the situation, but the research in question was going to go way beyond anything I could do easily.
The first shaman I would think to talk to would be Thrall, but he’s not an option at this point for at least half a dozen reasons. Given my recent career change (re-change?), I doubt anyone else in the Earthen Ring would be especially eager to talk to me, and anyone from the… well… garden-variety range of shamans simply wouldn’t know enough to be able to help very much with this.
On the warlock end of the spectrum, I’m not in much better shape. Again, what I really need is someone with a fairly high level of expertise and experience, but good luck finding a viable candidate there. Pretty much anyone down in the Cleft of Shadow is out of the question, if only because anything I discuss with any of them is sure to make its way back to Neeru Fireblade, and why give him any more to gnaw on? He already has enough of an unsettling interest in what I’m up to because of the Nether Prism, and the last thing I need is for him to start getting curious about even more of what I happen to be doing with my day. And while we’re thinking along Nether Prism lines, I would even be half tempted to try to find a remaining members of the Council of the Black Harvest, but I don’t know if that would go over so well in light of how things played out with me and Kanrethad. The only one of them that I figure would be very receptive at all would be Jubeka, and I figure she already has enough on her hands because of me.
For a while, I thought I might have an in with Xorenth down in Ragefire Chasm — since he’d been a warlock himself until fairly recently, when he became a shaman… of sorts… it seemed like he might have an ideal range of experience. I started to try to discuss my suspicions about Golmash with him, but I realized pretty quickly that that wasn’t such a good idea. He started getting way too interested way too quickly; it made sense, I suppose, given what he’s been up to with his shamans down in RFC. Still, I didn’t want to open the door for Golmash to become another one of his pet projects, at least not until I knew for sure what we’re dealing with. Luckily, I think I was able to maneuver my way out of the conversation without giving away too much or inviting too much suspicion from Xorenth.
At least I hope so. It’s hard to tell. I have to say, it’s hard trying to talk about your extracurriculars, while also keeping them classified, when you’re already in the middle of playing everyone against everyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if Jubeka got the better end of the deal back at the Black Temple.
Any way you cut it, I guess I’ll be going it alone on this one. Guess it’s time to hit the books until I come up with a better idea.
Mokvar
Brand loyalty
One last quick followup to the whole Pandaren Noodle Festival thing from the other day (where, I’ll have you know, my spicy talbuk noodles went over pretty damn well before D&U-plus-one managed to fall ass-backwards into a new and better form of post-felweed munchie food).
One thing from the festival that I’ve had rattling around in the ol’ noggin ever since then was when Ji was telling us about some Pandaren cooking contest called Iron Chef, and then Mokvar chimed in with the idea of doing our own version called Iron Horde Chef. Among some other possible names he kind of stumbled his way through. Which just goes to show you that Mokvar didn’t have the good sense to recognize the one real winner and latch onto it, which ONCE AGAIN shows you why yours truly is in charge around here.
Anyhow, the point of this isn’t the cooking contest thing, but that idea Mokvar had for a name. Because seriously, how badass does “Iron Horde” sound? IF YOU WERE THINKING “EXTREMELY BADASS, GARROSH,” THEN CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE CORRECT. And so, even though Shayari thought she was being funny with her little comment about rebranding, JOKE’S ON YOU, DOELING, because that’s exactly what I went and looked into. BECAUSE HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT SOUND, SERIOUSLY? Had a talk with Eitrigg this afternoon about how a name change would work in the books. And, hey, let me finish it this way, seeing as I’m still in kind of an EPIC VERSEy kind of mood after that last mailbag…
I took it to my numbers guy and left him really pensive
To wrack his brain and make a try at changes so extensive,
So sweeping, spanning, nationwide, systemic, comprehensive,
That if they ever were applied, the win would be intensive.
I rallied reasons that I scried and argued in defense of
My badass plan, but woe betide: old man’s counteroffensive:
The filing, fees, and forms beside, red tape you can’t make sense of
Reveal the fact, can’t be denied — that shit ain’t inexpensive.
EPIC VERSE!
I mean, you wouldn’t think changing over all the stationery and business cards would cost that much, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. And that’s not even figuring in little miss you-know-who’s latest shopping trip.
Dammit, Eitrigg. Guess I better toss a few more Brawler’s Guild invites up on the AH.
More soon.
The sincerest form of flattery
So, I know that when somebody comes up with a real winner of an idea, it’s only a matter of time before some uncreative motherfuckers go all copycat, but come the fuck ON.
So yeah. Like I was saying last time, interest in the Brawler’s Guild has been booming, bidding on those guild invitations is going through the roof, everything’s good. Then, I get up this morning and look over the latest intelligence reports — which, let me tell you, given the apparent state of most of my spies and minions, is a fucking IRONIC term — and what do I have staring me in the face?
The goddamn Alliance went and started THEIR OWN FUCKING BRAWLER’S GUILD.
I mean, for FUCK’S sake, doesn’t ANYBODY come up with ideas of their own anymore? I swear I’d be half tempted to SUE the assholes if, you know, I wasn’t already engaged in a systematic effort to murder them all. But SURE, fuckers, ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE.
Ugh. Serves me right for not taking more steps to lock this idea down. And for doing most of the planning with Boss Bazzelflange over e-mail. Which apparently, Spazzle tells me, somebody on the other side might have managed to intercept or hack or something. That’s pretty frustrating, on the one hand, in the sense that you’d expect Bazzelfuse to have some better e-mail security what with her being a goblin… but it’s also kind of amusing, on the other hand, in the sense that apparently someone over on the Alliance side had managed to dip into the e-mails of the Warchief of the Horde, and which ones did they decide to peek in on? Not the ones with the sensitive military intel, no sir. IF THOSE E-MAILS EXISTED, that is. WHICH THEY DAMN WELL DO NOT AND NEVER DID.
Dammit, I seriously need to start writing down Spazzle’s notes about the delete button.
Anyway, you know what? I might still sue their asses. Cross-faction, sure, but hey, GOBLINS, motherfuckers. Do you have ANY idea how brutal goblin LAWYERS are? Just imagine a bunch of goblins who make the OTHER goblins go “Damn, dude, you’re seriously RUTHLESS.” That’s 100% completely without ruth. They damn well crafted themselves full sets of ruth resistance gear, and THOSE are the suits they wear into court. GOOD LUCK, bitches. Good luck.
On the other hand, that could involve more paperwork. Probably in triplicate. Ugh. Always a trade-off for everything, right?
So, food for thought. More soon.
Get a little action in
So, here’s a little epilogue to the whole Pandaren Noodle Festival deal from a couple days ago, which should help demonstrate that where your Warchief is concerned, the mental elevator’s always going to the top floor. And unlike most elevators, it doesn’t have any careless motherfuckers getting themselves killed running off the edge then going plummet-plummet-scream-eek-splat. Although believe you me, if I COULD push a few people right off that elevator, I would. WITH MY MIND.
Anyhow. While Ji Lunchbox was getting things together for his big ol’ panda nom-nom party, I had a brainstorm for how I could kill two birds with one stone. So, number one, I’d been thinking for a while that I really haven’t been getting as much use as I should out of the Ring of Honor. Sure, a few randoms sometimes use the place for their little bitch-slap peen-measuring skirmishes, but really, ever since I had the newly arrived pandas prove themselves against a handful of assorted monsters (NEVER YOU MIND WHY I JUST SO HAPPENED TO HAVE THEM ON HAND), the place has pretty much been sitting there gathering dust. Number two, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this lately, but teenage daughters are damn expensive, and that expense gets magnified when you’re also trying to finagle an off-the-books black-ops underground HEYYYYYY so that’s the thing, teenage daughters, man, expensive stuff and that’s all I have to say about that.
Luckily, your Warchief is one sharp operator, so I came up with a brainstorm to do something about BOTH these situations at once. Plus — what the hell, let’s call this one number THREE — I was even able to do it in a way that cashed in on all that traffic that the Valley of Honor was getting because of PandaFest. SO CHECK IT OUT, motherfuckers, YOU SIGN UP FOR TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE AND YOU WALK AWAY WITH THREE. THREE GODDAMN DEAD BIRDS. That’s right, I give people a little something extra, ’cause that’s how I roll. Everybody wins. Except maybe the birds. Oh well.
So I know what you’re thinking. No, not “Wow, Garrosh, you sure are awesome, and sexy as all fuck, too” — I mean, sure, you’re thinking it, but I’m talking about the other thing: “So what was your genius idea, Garrosh?” EXCELLENT QUESTION, GLAD YOU ASKED.
Well, I realized that we’ve got this perfectly good gladitorial arena right here in Orgrimmar, only there’s no gladitorial combat keeping it in use. So, I decided it was time to do something about that. You’d be surprised how easy it was — a few conferences with some organizers, a couple hours’ worth of logistics, a not-so-gentle nudge for the contractors who’d already been working on remodeling the arena for way too long already, and lo and behold, the BRAWLER’S GUILD was born! A whole fight-on-demand, invitation-only tournament where the best and the badassest can show off their combat prowess against assorted monsters and, you know, whatever other opponents we can get to volunteer against their will.
Now yes, sure, this setup has some operational costs involved, but they’re a lot less than you might figure — some pocket change and random junk to dole out as prizes, plus maybe a few of those mushan beasties from Pandaria to dangle as prizes for the high-end achievers. But here’s the genius of the whole deal: this guild is set up to make BANK. See, first off, I had them make the Brawler’s Guild an invitation-only tournament. Then, we let a handful of those invitations trickle out to people. So now, word starts to get around about this exclusive tourney, and everybody starts getting curious, and everyone wants in but hardly anyone’s getting invited. So when a few more invitations start becoming available, man oh man, just you watch that gold come pouring in.
So I got all this in motion a few weeks ago. Ji’s whole Noodle Festival thing, though, gave me the perfect occasion to unveil it. We were already going to have crowds of people hanging around the Valley of Honor eating, drinking, and being merry, so what better way to cap the day off than to check out some fucking cage matches, right? We even got to reveal the new name that the Ring of Honor will be sporting in light of the new tournament — the Brawl’gar Arena! Pretty damn badass, right? REBRANDING, BITCHES. (Now I just need to get the ball rolling on that idea I had the other day, because seriously, could “Iron Horde” be a MORE badass-sounding name upgrade for us?)
Now, normally, entry into the Brawl’gar Arena would be exclusive to the guild members, but for the grand opening we let folks into the gallery overlooking the arena floor so they could watch the fun. For a minimal admission fee. So folks flocked on in there fresh off of their noodle festivities, the select few invitees put on a hell of a show, and a good time was had by all. Well, except for the peons who got stuck cleaning up the spilled noodles in the gallery. It turns out that half-drunk people don’t have the best table manners. Go figure.
Anyway, that little taste of the gladitorial goodness, combined with that whole sense of exclusivity surrounding access to membership, were all it took to whip up some serious interest in getting in. So, late into the proceedings, a handful of additional invitations just so happened to turn up at the auction house right outside. Bidding is still going on, but you would not BELIEVE how high the going rates have gotten already. If this keeps up, we might run out of zeroes.
Meanwhile, word keeps getting around, and more people keep digging around for invites, money in hand. So go on, get out there and help the cause — talk it up, tell your friends, remind them what fucking losers they are if they don’t get in on this shit. PEER PRESSURE, motherfucker. REMEMBER — the first rule of Brawler’s Guild is DON’T STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT BRAWLER’S GUILD.
