The Wizard of Zhan, Act 2


The curtain rises, revealing the Gold Road coming to a fork in the marsh at a small guard tower. Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer enter. Seated next to the tower entrance, two guards – Dontrag and Utvoch – entertain themselves tossing coins.

GARROSH: Huh. Do you know which way we’re supposed to go?

GARONA: I’m not sure. It’s been a while.

GARROSH: How do you know this wizard again?

GARONA: Long story. <looks around> I suppose we could ask the guards.

GARROSH: <squints, looking at them> For some reason, I don’t have a great feeling about that. But whatever. HEY, you two!

Dontrag and Utvoch scramble to their feet and grab their axes.


UTVOCH: Who goes there?

GARROSH: Uh, you can stop trying to act like you were actually paying attention to what was going on.

DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, sir, but rested assurances we are in full commanding commandeered command of the situation. At hand, sir.

UTVOCH: What may have appeared to the untrained eye, sir—

DONTRAG: The uninitialized!

UTVOCH: Uninitialized?

DONTRAG: Isn’t that what you meant?

UTVOCH: The uninitialized eye?

DONTRAG: Well maybe you could take out the “eye” part?

GARONA: Were you thinking of maybe “uninitiated”?

UTVOCH: What’s wrong with just “the untrained eye”?

DONTRAG: Fine, say it your way.

GARROSH: I think I’m starting to get a regrettably familiar headache…

UTVOCH: As I was meaning to say, sir…

GARROSH: Oh good. Here we go.

UTVOCH: To the untrained eye, it may have appeared and belied that my comrade Dontrag and I were diverted and distracted, but you see, sir, that’s all just part of our clever ruse.

GARROSH: A ruse?

UTVOCH: Yes sir. Our cunning plan!

GARROSH: You have a ruse?

UTVOCH: We do, sir – a great clever devious one, sure to outwit and unfox even the most surreptitious and scheming of foes! A great airtight inconceivable ploy, ma’am!

GARROSH: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.


GARROSH: Just go on. Or don’t, actually.

UTVOCH: Just meaning to say, sir, my colleague and I might have looked to be distracted with our game, but if you take my meaning, sir, that’s just to lull any enemies into a false sense of security, sir.

DONTRAG: They see us busy at the tower and underestimate us!

GARROSH: I don’t know if anyone could underestimate you two.

UTVOCH: Thank you, sir!

DONTRAG: And they try to put one past us, and lo and behold!


Garona, who had wandered off by this point, unstealths further up the road, on the far side of the guard tower, and waves.

DONTRAG: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one past ol’ Dontrag and Utvoch, sir!

Garrosh points to Garona; Dontrag and Utvoch turn to look, then do double takes.

UTVOCH: Hey! You can’t be over there!

DONTRAG: No one passes this checkpoint without they’ve been approved and authorized and added to the official commendatory-ish list!

UTVOCH: No one else is to pass, ma’am!

DONTRAG: Those are our orders!

GARROSH: Your orders?

DONTRAG: Yes, sir!

GARROSH: Whose orders?

UTVOCH: The Warchief’s orders, sir!

Garrosh stares at them for a moment, then looks at Garona, then rubs his eyes.

GARROSH: I’M the Warchief, you pinheads.

Dontrag and Utvoch do another double take.

UTVOCH: I think we may need to add more detailed notes to the list.

GARROSH: I think you may need something other than cottage cheese between your ears.

DONTRAG: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

GARONA: You know, if they came along, maybe the Wizard could do something for them.

GARROSH: WHY would you even SUGGEST—

UTVOCH: Really? That would be most magnanimous of you, sir!

DONTRAG: It would be an honor to join you on your quest, sir!

UTVOCH: A group quest, as it were!

DONTRAG: With a tremendous quest reward for Utvoch and I, sir – and most beneficiallacious to everyone!




We would cause much less frustration,
And need less explanation
To make the meaning plain.
Write your order down and send it;
We would truly comprehend it
If we only had a brain.


We would free our conversation
From overcompensation:
The knowledge that we feign.
You might think of us as nerdy,
And we wouldn’t be so wordy
If we only had a brain.


Oh, we would finally know,
Our heads not filled with wool.


Instead our heads with knowledge would be full.


It would be inconceivable!


Life would be such a joy hence,
To not be an annoyance,
And not be thought a pain.
You would not be near as wary
Of our weak vocabulary
If we only had a brain.


We’d listen while you’re talkin’,
And not feel like we’re walkin’
Two steps behind again.
You’re be happy when you meet us
(Or at least you wouldn’t beat us)
If we only had a brain.

GARONA: See? They mean well.

GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, fine. They can come along. Only question is, which way? We still never settled that.

DONTRAG: We’re on it, sir!

GARONA: See, I told you.

DONTRAG: You call it, Ut.

GARROSH: Wait, call it?

UTVOCH: Heads, north!

DONTRAG: Tossing!

Dontrag tosses a coin.

GARROSH: Seriously?


UTVOCH: South it is.

GARROSH: You know what? Fine. Whatever.




We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

Blackout. The Gold Road winds past Blackrock Mountain through a fiery landscape. Garrosh, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, and Mortimer enter and make their way cautiously along the road.

DONTRAG: I don’t really like the looks of things here, sir.

GARONA: This is a dangerous region. Rumor has it that a few last lingering members of the black dragonflight lurk around here.

UTVOCH: Dragons? Really?

DONTRAG: Don’t forget the ogres. Aren’t they supposed to be especially hostile in these mountains?

GARONA: Not to mention the orcs.

GARROSH: Um, you mean like every single one of us here?

GARONA: Hey, I’m half draenei.

GARROSH: Yeah, but you’re passing.

GARONA: Well still, I’m talking about Blackrock orcs. They’re nothing but trouble in this region.

DONTRAG: Ugh. Dragons and ogres and orcs.

UTVOCH: Oh my.

GARONA: Dragons and ogres and orcs.

UTVOCH: Oh my.

The group begins to march along the road faster, in rhythm with their words.

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

As the group passes an outcropping of rock, Mokvar – wearing clattering plate armor – jumps out and attacks them, beginning with a chain lightning that knocks Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch back. Mokvar knocks down Dontrag and stands over him, rearing back to swing his mace. Garrosh charges back in and knocks Mokvar away.

DONTRAG: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the Blakrock orcs being bad news around here.

MOKVAR: I’m not a Blackrock orc! You’re the Blackrock orcs!

GARROSH: Dude, what is this, a schoolyard?

MOKVAR: You’re not Blackrock orcs?

GARROSH: Do I LOOK like a Blackrock orc? You seriously can’t tell Blackrock from Mag’har?

MOKVAR: <shrugs> Yeah, fine. In that case, you all be on your way and I’ll get back to my business.

GARROSH: What this yen you’ve got against the Blackrocks, anyway?

MOKVAR: That’s between them and me.

GARONA: And anyone else who happens to come walking down this road.

GARROSH: I don’t know what your problem is with them, dude, but you might want to let it go before somebody ends up getting hurt. Like mainly you.

MOKVAR: Would if I could.

GARONA: Why can’t you?

MOKVAR: The Blackrock clan…well, one of them…took something from me that… Look, if I could put it past me and forget about it, I would. It would make life a whole lot easier…




It’s true, I’m kind of bitter;
My mercy’s in the shitter,
My anger off the chart.
Maybe wrongs could be forgiven
And I just could go on livin’
If I only had a heart.

An orc that I won’t mention,
Reviled past comprehension,
That’s where it found its start.
But my smiles would be addictive
If I just weren’t so vindictive,
If I only had a heart.

Picture me a balcony,
Above a voice speaks low,
Illuminated by the fires below.
I hear a blast…aghast.

Now I wish I could forget it,
Those moments I regretted
That tear me all apart.
I could end all my fighting
And I’d get back to my writing
If I only had a heart.

DONTRAG: You know, maybe the Wizard could do something to help him, too.

GARONA: I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try.

GARROSH: I guess. Maybe he’ll give me someone to have some actual decent conversation with on this trip.

GARONA: I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time!

GARROSH: As I was saying.

MOKVAR: You people are funny. You should write some of this down.

GARROSH: Funny you should mention. I want to discuss that with you during the trip…




We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

Blackout. The group follows the Gold Road through Duskwood, where it passes an alchemy station manned by Faranell.

FARNELL: Hey. I’m Edwin, I could go for a trip to the Dark Tower too, everybody cool with that? Yeah? Good. Let’s get going then.

GARROSH: I— wait, what? You just want to…

FARANELL: Yeah, look, I’ve been watching this from backstage, and rather than doing some little vignette about me joining the group, I figured we could just save time and move things along.

GARROSH: <clapping Faranell on the back> Good man.

FARANELL: Okay, so, cue the exit song.




Weeeeeeeeee’re off to—

GARONA: Wait, wait, hold on.

GARROSH: What’s the matter?

GARONA: What do you want to see the Wizard for?

FARANELL: …I want his autograph?

GARROSH: Does it really matter?

GARONA: Hey, somebody has to keep the plot on track with some kind of integrity.

MOKVAR: Personally I think that train left the station somewhere around the “Time Warp” ripoff.

FARANELL: Well, what have you got so far?

GARONA: Dontrag and Utvoch want a brain.

FARANELL: Shouldn’t they specify two?

GARONA: Isn’t that splitting hairs, really?

FARANELL: Listen, I’m a mage. I know all about ironic technicalities when people phrase their magic requests vaguely.

GARROSH: Whatever. Honestly even one brain between them would be an improvement.

GARONA: And then Mokvar wants a heart.

FARANELL:  mm. Okay, well, keeping with the whole anatomical theme, I guess I could ask him for some guts.

GARROSH: Really? You don’t seem so cowardly.

UTVOCH: Actually I thought you were kind of badass back in that cellar.

FARANELL: No, no, I’m not talking about courage. I mean literally, guts. Look at me. I’m undead. I’m missing half my internal organs.




The bile I feel is sadder,
’Cause I’ve got no gallbladder,
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Now I’d finally have uses
For these jarred digestive juices
If I only had some guts.

No liver, so I’m thinkin’
I’d better not be drinkin’.
I really don’t see what’s
The point of an appendix,
But I would give mine a mend fix
If I only had some guts.

Once I had them back,
It would never discard.
I never should have once let down my guard
And signed that organ donor card.

Those toxins, I would rid these
If I just had some kidneys.
Necrosis, it rebuts.
But my pain would heal faster,


All this anger I would master,


Our ideas won’t be disaster,


And I’ll kill that demon bastard
If that caster is a caster, not a putz.


Then we’re sure to get a brain.


A heart.


A…means to summon a demon prince and by the way I’m not even bothering to try to get this to fit the actual meter of the line here, so sue me.

FARANELL: <blinks>

Um, okay… Some guts.

GARROSH: Okay, that works.  Moving on.




We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

The group marches down the road and offstage. The curtain closes.



The Wizard of Zhan
The Wizard of Zhan, Act 3
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