Being a role model is a full-time job


This week, Malkorok has been busy implementing his trainee program for teenage recruits from Orgrimmar. He’s sending out notices to anyone age fourteen on up to seventeen – assuming they’re fit and able, and don’t have some other issues like, I don’t know, just off the top of my head here, outstanding community service hours cleaning the swine pens at Jaggedswine Farm after getting caught toilet papering Grommash Hold. I’m speaking hypothetically here, of course. The recruits will all be grouped by age and ability and assigned to small training units under the supervision of an accomplished veteran. From there, they’ll start preparing to eventually fight for the glory of the Horde.

And now, before everyone starts QQ’ing, because I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who aren’t orcs (and speaking of which, fuck you, Varian), let me explain this so I don’t have to listen to a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from across the internet.

First of all, we’re not stealing anyone away from their families, if that’s what you’re thinking. The trainees do their activities for the day and then they go home, just the same as if they were at school. Which they pretty much ARE. Which brings me to the next point.

We’re not just rounding up these kids and running them straight out onto a battlefield. Yes, that would be stupid. Do you seriously think I would do something stupid? This is TRAINING we’re talking about here. They’re learning about combat and self-defense and working as a unit, to get them READY for down the line when they’ll be needed for the war effort. Nobody is getting sent into actual battle until they’re ready. That’s the point – to GET them ready, not just to treat perfectly good future warriors as disposable cannon fodder. (That’s what Dontrag and Utvoch are for.)

And, hell, before you all get in a tizzy over “But, but, they’re just kids!” – listen. Orcs are not as long-lived a race as a lot of the others here on Azeroth. People don’t seem to get this. Cairne Bloodhoof was over 100 years old and still kicking ass, most recently mine, before, well, you know. You’re not going to see me up and about at 100. I’m probably not going to make it to 70. That’s freaking OLD for an orc. I know that might be hard to grasp for some of you – especially you elves, what with how you live for like hundreds of years. Which means you’re probably considered a kid until you hit like 100 years old. (And by the way, speaking of which: does that mean you elves are adolescents for like 50 years or something? Because seriously, all you non-elves, can you imagine that? Puberty lasting for 50 years? I seriously would have killed myself.)

Anyway, point being, fourteen and fifteen are not as young for us as a lot of you seem to think. Hell, I’m 34, and people keep referring to me as “young,” but by orc standards that pretty much makes me a middle-aged man.

Hang on.

Spirits help me, where the fuck did my life go?


Point is, everyone needs to just calm the fuck down and put their panties back on over this.

One thing related to the training program, though. I was going over Malkorok’s rosters and happened to notice a few recruits from the Orgrimmar orphanage – including, you guessed it, Gurtash. I know the kid’s got a lot of potential, but I also got to thinking it might be good to keep an eye on him, so I told Malkorok I would take charge of that trainee unit personally. Malkorok wasn’t too happy about that, but then, he’s Malkorok – since when is he ever happy about anything, AMIRITE? I think he felt like it was a job beneath the station of the Warchief, or whatever, but as it turns out, Gurtash was being placed un a high-aptitude group – no surprise there – so I spun it as me personally supervising the training of the best. And also, as I succinctly put it to Malkorok, I’m doing it because I’m the WARCHIEF and I SAID SO.

So, I’ve got a new gig a few times a week. And really, I already play a teacher on Earth Online – how hard could it be in real life? I have my first meeting with the kids later today, to start laying some groundwork for their training. Should be simple enough. The group’s going to consist of Gurtash and about a dozen other kids around his age. How hard could a bunch of fourteen year olds be?



ADDENDUM, later: Holy fucking hell, what have I done to myself?

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A Concerned Citizen
A Concerned Citizen
December 11, 2012 10:13 pm

We come to maturity a little slower than humans, but only a little slower. After that comes a long apprenticeship period in your chosen profession … normally. Patterns get disrupted a little when the Scourge drives a siege train through your hometown. I’m not sure we’ll ever get back to the old way of doing things.

December 11, 2012 11:25 pm

Stop making me feel so damn old. My Greatmother is already freaking out because I have not had kids yet and have been putting my life in danger in service to the Horde. She wants me to further the Armripper line. Some days I wish I had been born male so this these expectations would vanish.

December 12, 2012 6:32 pm

Am I the only one who immediately thought of Garona when I read the last sentence in the Warchief’s reply?

December 13, 2012 2:20 am

Yeah but you can sow your seed as you will and not think twice about it. Me? I get stuck having the kid and having to raise it. Even if I pawn it off on my Greatmother (who is not in the best of health) I can’t exactly be off to battle while pregnant. I hear it makes you super slow and awkward and hunters die if they are super slow and awkward.

December 12, 2012 7:36 am

Nice to see some cojones when it comes to Mal.

December 13, 2012 8:35 am

Hmmm… yes, well, you know how animals are a good judge of character? You might see how Mortimer reacts around Mr. Malkorok.

December 12, 2012 5:14 pm

*Blinks.* Why, a teaching position, Warchief. That was what you signed up for, was it not?

As regards conscription … war has a habit of coming to those who would rather avoid it. Best make sure they can at least defend themselves.

A Concerned Citizen
A Concerned Citizen
December 12, 2012 10:37 pm
Reply to  Prarie

True dat. You may not be interested in war, but you need to be ready in case war becomes interested in YOU.