Never send an elf to do an orc’s job


Okay, so I’m starting to get sick of Lor’thefuckhisnameis.

After the blood elves’ Reliquary people found the records of the Divine Bell, I had Regent-Lord Ponytail send his archeologists up to Kun-Lai Summit to do some followup digging at another mogu site. I gave them a few days to work and then made a trip up to check on how they were doing. It didn’t occur to me that I might need aspirin while I was there. Shows how much I know.

Ponytail was there with the archeologists and some of his Blood Knights, and hoo boy, I had barely dismounted Mortimer when he started in with the griping and the complaining and the crying like a little girl. You know, I’ll tell you, a couple months ago I barely even knew who Captain Eyepatch was – okay, let’s be honest, most days I still don’t – but lately the guy has been turning into a regular Baine Bloodhoof Bitch-and-Moan All-Star. And wait till you hear what the dude was complaining – AT GREAT LENGTH – ABOUT. Apparently, while the elves were flitting around the ruins doing their digging, some mogu statues came to life and attacked them (SEE? SEE? THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WITH THE FUCKING STATUES), and Ponytail got his panties all in a bunch because his people nearly got roflstomped and statuespanked and OMG Garrosh why didn’t you warn us something like this might happen.

Which, first of all, go back and read that last part again.

Okay, done? Let’s recap.

Regent-Lord Hair-Care and his peeps were sent to some mogu ruins.

Mogu ruins. Ruins of building built by the MOGU. Who have been turning up again lately, all over the place.

Ruins that were decorated with mogu statues. STATUES, which it’s been established that the mogu had the power to animate.

And so these people, these brilliant brilliant elves, were utterly stunned and blindsided when, lo and behold, some mogu statues fucking WOKE UP on them.

This, by the way, after the LAST dig site featured one of those freaky statue dogs spontaneously reanimated and jumping them.

Is anyone else seeing how ridiculous this is, or am I just an asshole? How much more warning do these fuckwits need? And I mean, let me tell you, Ponytail would NOT shut up about how badly his people took it on the chin after they got surprised. Dude was going full-bore Tirion on me. But really, how sad is that? These people are totally flabbergasted by the appearance of a hostile enemy KNOWN TO BE AT LARGE, at a site that is KNOWN TO HAVE BELONGED TO THEM?

Seriously, how could Lor’the’motherfucker POSSIBLY get blindsided by that? Unless, you know, the mogu came at him from his left. OH YEAH YOU BET YOUR ASS I SAID IT.

But for real. Look, a lot of you guys have gone on missions for me. Doesn’t this sound like, you know, a STANDARD occupational hazard? Hell, never mind THAT, even – I know some of you are amateur archeologists yourselves. Beats the hell out of me as far as WHY, sounds like it would be boring as all fuck, but whatever – from what I hear, when you people are out digging for fragments in Pandaria, every so often one of those little sha buggers will pop up out of the ground and try to take a bite out of you. And STRANGELY ENOUGH, I never hear any of YOU complain about how you didn’t know it was coming and holy crap how do you expect us to defend ourselves and ow it hurts it hurts I have sand in my vagina ow. No, because you guys HANDLE YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Anyway, bottom line is, after making me seriously question how much I want to depend on these elves, Hair-Care managed to scrape together a few possible leads on another mogu site a ways further north. I’m having him head up there to check it out, while I take bets on what he’ll wind up crying about this time.




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February 3, 2013 1:42 pm

“…and Ponytail got his panties all in a bunch because his people nearly got roflstomped and statuespanked and OMG Garrosh why didn’t you warn us something like this might happen.”

I laughed out loud, and again at the “Unless, you know, the mogu came at him from his left. OH YEAH YOU BET YOUT ASS I SAID IT”.

My main is an rp/pvp belf rogue and jeez are you skewing my impression of Garrosh in game (he swears a lot more in my head when he gives my rogue orders now and speaks in capital letters an awful lot) and now my Regent Lord Ponytail seems more whiny than regal. I am just loving the Garrosh blog tie-in to the Domination questline 🙂

Garrosh Hellscream
February 3, 2013 5:42 pm
Reply to  Arli

I don’t just talk in capital letters.

I LIVE in capital letters.

Recognize, bitches.

February 3, 2013 2:47 pm

You, sir, win +1 internets.

Seriously, though, I play belfs almost exclusively, and you had me reading this out loud to my other half, unable to speak for laughing when I got to the “left side” comment… well done. Keep up the good work!

Garrosh Hellscream
February 3, 2013 5:44 pm
Reply to  Deletrix

What’s funny with the eyepatch is Lor’thehellwithhim actually seems to think it makes him look all tough and badass. Which is kind of undercut by the fact that he’s, you know, a blood elf. You should have seen him when he first showed up at the Sanctum of Two Moons sporting his new one, rolling up on me all proud of the new look like I was supposed to be impressed. And meanwhile I was just like, “Dude, you look like a gay pirate.”

February 4, 2013 2:05 am

I gigglesnorted. Not gonna lie. Lor’themar is a real derpina. A dangerous Sha box?! Let’s open it in the middle of Silvermoon! IT’S EVIL?! HOW COULD WE HAVE KNOOOOWN!

February 4, 2013 12:32 pm

“full-bore Tirion “? Nice.