EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

LOR’THEMAR THERON

VS.

JAINA PROUDMOORE

BEGIN!

JAINA:

For years I was a dove but now that’s taken a dive;
Fool me once, then shame on you, but fool me twice, you won’t survive.
So I’ve gone on the offensive and I’m finished with forgiving;
You want to battle? Magic words are what I do for a living.
I’ve come a long way since I studied under Antonidas;
I’m still carrying the burdens of the Theramore detritus.
Now it seems you want to fight us; it’ll really just delight us,
’Cause I’ll crush your rhymes so hard you’re best off faking laryngitis.
Now I’ll throw my hands up, tear all my peace-mongering asunder, bring
My Kirin Tor contingent to the doorstep of the Thunder King.
Rhonin read an omen, so he passed me the baton;
Now I’ll purge you from this island like the Horde from Dalaran.
This won’t be pretty, pretty boy, so brace yourself, prepare,
Better cover up your eyes – oh, wait, you’re halfway there.
Don’t know who even sent you, not sure where we met or when,
But you kind of look familiar – tell me, what’s your name again?

LOR’THEMAR:

My name is—

JAINA:

What?

LOR’THEMAR:

My name is—

JAINA:

Who?

LOR’THEMAR:

I’m—

JAINA:

Johnny Awesome, maybe?

LOR’THEMAR:

<glares>
Okay, that’s it, I’ve had enough! That really does it – ladies!

[Scout Captain Elsia and Ellendra Palescorn appear behind Lor’themar.]

LOR’THEMAR:

You can talk a lot of trash, but the man that you’re not naming’s
Gonna serve you up your ass while his fans are all proclaiming that he’s

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         I don’t need an introduction,

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need city reconstruction,

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need Icecrown tissues;
I’ve got twice your regal majesty and half your daddy issues – I’m

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need to lose my calm,
’Cause I’ll drop rhymes on you just like a mana bomb.
Until my ’Reavers are freed, don’t have to heed your screed
Or concede misdeed – know what else I don’t need?

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need color care,
’Cause I don’t need blonde highlights in my blast-bleached hair, and

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need dragon food,
’Cause I don’t need to go reptile when I’m in the mood.

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

                         Don’t need a back-up city!
I’ve got rhymes three times as vicious and a face that’s twice as pretty.

ELSIA and ELLENDRA:

Lor’themar!

LOR’THEMAR:

So keep your prophecy-of-Rhonin shit –
Don’t recognize my name? Neither do I – ’cause you’re not moanin’ it.

JAINA:

I tried my hand with humans, orcs, and elves but that was tragic;
After unbecoming slumming I traded up, Aspect of Magic.
So keep on trying fruitlessly to conjure up a scandal; it’s
No fault of mine a man’s got to be a dragon just to handle it.
I rose by acclamation to the leadership I shoulder;
As for you? You got defaulted – and you’re still just a placeholder.
You’ll always be a punch line, even more when seen in action:
You’re the seventh-string leader of a six-race faction.

LOR’THEMAR:

I took a broken people, rallied them to something greater;
You rose to rule two cities, and they’re both on maps as craters.
You’re the village epic mount, you’re a forty-man raid,
You 180’ed and betrayed your Mary Sue charade –
Because you always played the part of diplomat to the death:
Now you’re a real-life EO Lady Macbeth.
Now I’ll stop Allies on the one side, on the other stage a coup –
’Cause I even fight Horde Warchiefs better than you.

[Taran Zhu flies in on a cloud serpent and jumps in between them.]

TARAN ZHU:

ENOUGH! You’ve all been sparring since you set foot in this land,
And you’ve waged your endless race war, only I can’t understand
If you’re so hell-bent to kill each other with your sword and shield
Why it’s so damn vital that you make my home your battlefield!
There’s been nothing here but trouble since you Horde and Allies came,
And I’m tired of putting up with Lady J and what’s-his-name!
I’m sick of the division; I’ll take no side in this debate –
For I know you Sha-of-Haters are just going to Sha-of-Hate.
Each aggression draws reprisal, vengeance not for the fainthearted, it
Goes on and on in circles – I don’t care who fucking started it!
For years I’ve stood upon the wall to hold back mantid masses;
Now I’ll stand between you till you pull your heads out of your asses.
Awaking Shas of Anger, Hate, and Violence weren’t enough?
Then I’ll leave you with a cup of Sha of Shut the Fuck Up!
That’s it – I’ve wasted too much breath already on you two!
I must go! I’m out, bitches! There’s work I’ve got to do!

[Taran Zhu jumps onto his cloud serpent and flies off, leaving Jaina and Lor’themar staring quizzically.]

WHO WON?

WHO’S NEXT?

YOU DECIDE!

EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!

“Lady.” “Lord.”