Tag Archives: cho’gall
Flown the Coop, as the Saying Goes
Citizens of the Horde,
Interrogation of our various captives carries on, and begins to yield fruit, albeit gradually. Just this morning, the perspicacious rogue Krog reported to me personally to provide updates on his ongoing questioning of those Grimtotem who were apprehended during out recent operations out of Brackenwall Village. A good man, that Krog, and thorough.
His questioning confirms what we already knew of the Grimtotem situation – that they had, under the direction of Magatha Grimtotem through her lieutenants Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe, begun to search for the now-infamous phylactery of Cho’gall, so as to strike a bargain with the Twilight’s Hammer cult – while further indicating that thus far, no agreements or alliances had been forged between the two groups. Indeed, shortly after the nefarious tauren clan began their hunt, the Twilight’s Hammer stepped up their activities in Thousand Needles, resulting in the Twilight capture of several Grimtotem, most notably Magatha…who, as you are already well aware, was subsequently freed through unwitting (nay, witless) Horde assistance.
Nevertheless, I find the timing of these events to be hardly coincidental, and I suspect that the Twilight cult undertook a pointed effort to capture Magatha upon discovering that she and her kin were endeavoring to complicate the cult’s efforts to resurrect the odious ogre Cho’gall.
That relations between the Grimtotem and the Twilight’s Hammer are, to say the least, unfriendly is confirmed by early reports from Garona Halforcen in Silithus. While Garona finds herself still early in her interrogation of our Twilight prisoners (a process which, I hope, will not be slowed too greatly by the temptation to relish the process), she has been able to confirm a reciprocal disdain for the Grimtotem on behalf of the Twilight’s Hammer cultists.
Meanwhile, I have recruited the aid of the resourceful ogre seer Draz’Zilb of Brackenwall Village, who has already been of assistance in these events to both Krog and to Warchief Hellscream, in the hopes that we might glean some additional information through more mystical means. Draz’Zilb has theorized that, given the powerful magics involved in the phylactery containment of Cho’gall’s spirit, as well as in its possible release, it may be possible to conduct a divination of sorts through any living beings who were in close proximity to the ogre Skarr when, or if, these necromantic powers were tapped. This afternoon Draz’Zilb joined me in Orgrimmar to attempt such a divination, to see if any traces of recent spellcasting or magical aftershocks might be discerned through the three entities we know to have been present with Skarr on Alcaz Island (excepting, of course, Warchief Hellscream): the externally monologuing soldiers Dontrag and Utvoch, and the Warchief’s personal wyvern.
Draz’Zilb began his divination with the wyvern, which has finally recovered from its injuries on the island. (I will hasten to note for those D.E.H.T.A.-friendly among you, incidentally, that I was assured that no harm would come to the wyvern as a result of these magics; I am moreover informed that the Warchief had developed quite a fondness for the animal, and having enjoyed the companionship of numerous pet worgs in my youth, I am not unsympathetic.) Draz’Zilb detected signs from the wyvern’s residual magic aura that it had indeed been exposed to a magic outburst of some sort; however, the wyvern appeared uneasy throughout the divination process, and while it was still in its early stages, the process was interrupted by the arrival of Dontrag and Utvoch, which served only to further agitate the animal. Before our handlers could calm the increasingly emotional beast, it managed to slip from its restraints and fly off.
I have sent a scouting detail to patrol Durotar and its surrounding areas to locate the wyvern, but its whereabouts are currently unknown. I must admit, given our current situation I cannot say that the recovery of the animal can afford to rank as a high priority, though it would indeed pain me upon the Warchief’s return to have to report that we had lost it in his absence.
I shall continue to keep you updated as events continue to unfold, friends. Honor go with us all.
-Saurfang
From the Desk of Saurfang
Greetings, citizens of the Horde.
My name is Varok Saurfang, and it is with the greatest humility and utmost solemnity that I have agreed, in this time of crisis, to assume temporarily the mantle of acting Warchief. I did not seek this office, nor have I ever craved political power or influence; I am, at heart, a soldier, and have never wished anything more than to serve the Horde in whatever manner required. As it happens on this day, the collective leadership of the Horde has called upon me to shoulder the burden of leadership, and I am both honored and humbled by their decision to place this trust with me.
As I have all of my life, and shall for whatever days remain, I undertake this task with the full dedication of my very being for the good of the Horde, and I pray that I may serve you well.
The noble Eitrigg has informed me that Warchief Hellscream frequently employed this electronic forum – a “blog,” as I believe it is called – to communicate directly with his citizens, to update them on important happenings, to inform and inspire. It is a tribute to his leadership that he would so value you, his people, as to endeavor so steadfastly to keep you aware of important matters in this way, and as I assume the office of Warchief, I have decided to honor his custom by writing to you here in his stead.
I will readily admit that I am far from conversant in these new computerized venues – you will forgive an aging orc for falling behind the march of technological progress – and so I am sure my use of this forum will be but a pale imitation of Warchief Hellscream’s. Fortunately, my advisor Mokvar has offered his aid in transcribing my messages to post here (again, I show my age, as a quill and paper are far more comfortable to my hands than these newer and, I am sure, more efficient machines), and the delightfully precocious goblin Spazzle Fizzletrinket, whom I have just today had the pleasure of meeting, has assured me of his aid in the general maintenance of the blog. I can only hope you will forgive the missteps of my inexperience, and forgive as well what will surely be my failure to adequately recreate the eloquence and inspiration to which you have doubtlessly grown accustomed in these pages.
I have had the honor of fighting alongside many of you in recent years during our victorious campaign in Northrend; and some fewer among you fought by my side previously in Silithus as part of the Might of Kalimdor in the Ahn’Qiraj War Effort. Throughout our past efforts, you have done honor to the Horde with your strength, your resolve, your dedication to our people; and while in these past battles I have held a rank that would denote me as “superior officer,” time and again your heroism belied any such titles that would designate me superior. It is my honor now to stand shoulder to shoulder with you once again as we face an uncertain future.
Yet it is an honor I would happily relinquish: all that I have achieved, and all that I have attained, I would gladly give, were it not necessary for me or anyone to stand in Warchief Hellscream’s place now. Alas, we do not live in better times, and it falls to me to deliver unwanted news. I will not sugar-coat, nor will I equivocate, for you, the people of the Horde, deserve to know the full truth.
The rumors that you have heard are true. Warchief Garrosh Hellscream has gone missing.
In the days ahead I will spell out the current situation in further detail, and keep you updated on the current state of our investigations; for the moment, a brief overview will suffice.
As you are surely aware, Warchief Hellscream and an inner circle of elite advisors have been engaged in thwarting an attempt by the Twilight’s Hammer to resurrect the odious ogre mage Cho’gall. In the aftermath of the Twilight attacks on the Doomhammer and the Kor’kron contingent in Ahn’Qiraj, the Warchief bravely traveled ahead to Alcaz Island, in the hopes of intervening in what he believed to be a Twilight plot. It was at that point that contact with the Warchief was lost.
At the present time we do not know where he is or whether he has fallen into hostile hands. Indeed, we do not at present know whether the Warchief is still alive, though I remain hopeful, as, I am sure, do you all. We can reasonably rule out Alcaz Island itself as the Warchief’s location; some hours after Warchief Hellscream departed for the island, Horde forces arrived there as well, and upon discovering that the Warchief was nowhere to be found, undertook an exhaustive search of the entire island. There was no sign of him, though there were numerous leads gathered as to his possible whereabouts, which I will share with you in the due course of our ongoing investigation.
In the meantime, I have taken steps to buttress the other front of our current conflict, that of the ruins of Ahn’Qiraj. As you are aware, the loquacious rogue Garona Halforcen, engaged in a cunning ruse to entrap Twilight agents in the temple ruins, fell victim herself to a Twilight ambush, and was forced to withdraw in the face of superior numbers. In the resulting chaos, agents of the Twilight’s Hammer were able to secure the inner sanctum of C’thun, a chamber suspected to be instrumental in their vile resurrection plot.
Let me make no mistake: I hold within me no patience or forgiveness for those who would strike against the Horde, less still for those who would do so through trickery. As such, I have deployed to Silithus the fourth, fifth, and seventh legions of the Kor’kron High Guard – the fourth having served under my command in the final stages of the Icecrown campaign – to converge upon the ruins and secure it. I have meanwhile assigned an air patrol of two hundred windrider skyguards to circle the zone and assure that no stray enemies might escape the area.
The Twilight’s Hammer wished to make the Temple of Ahn’Qiraj theirs. I hope they find it comfortable, for not a single one of their number will set eyes upon another place for the rest of their increasingly short days.
And while the siege of Silithus unfolds, we will redouble our efforts here to locate our missing Warchief. Once again, I shall take pains to keep you, our loyal citizens, abreast of ongoing developments, and may well call upon your aid in gathering information. The disappearance of Garrosh Hellscream is more than a crisis for our people; it is an attack and an affront to the Horde itself. Whatever parties have taken it upon themselves to act against our leader have likewise courted the outrage of every one of our people, and in so doing they have made a terrible, critical error: they have struck against the Horde, but left it still living to strike back.
You may, indeed, even find it within yourselves to admire their daring. You would be wise to admire it from afar.
They will be found. They will be caught. Our Warchief will be returned to safety, and as for the fate that awaits his attackers…I will not elaborate on it here. Solider though I am, I also pride myself a gentleman, and I would not discuss such details openly here where young eyes might see them. I could not bear to think that I had robbed an innocent child of restful sleep for the nightmares such words might inspire.
Lok’tar ogar, friends. Honor go with us all.
-Saurfang
When things turn bad they don’t @!$# around
Writing this up as quickly as possible while Mortimer is being prepped for flight. I don’t have much time to spell everything out so I’m leaving the relevant documents with Mokvar and authorizing him to edit this post as needed to include enough info for this to make sense to you all.
Garona’s message from Silithus was bad news.
Garrosh:
Major trouble in Silithus. Were setting final fortifications in AQ when were attacked by large Twilight’s Hammer force. Humans, ogres, several silithid. Many more TH than intelligence indicated were even in Silithus; bypassed periphery guards into inner passageways; possibly hiding in nearby silithid hives and tunneled in?
Vastly outnumbered. As soon as combat started turning against us, made sure we destroyed all conjuring equipment left by TH in C’thun’s chamber.
Retreat necessary; far too many of them.
Tried to bring TH captives with us while escaping. One captive killed in crossfire. Second has been making cryptic taunts. Evasive about whether TH are fighting their way in to use phylactery. “You don’t think we’d keep such a sacred vessel ON us, do you?” and “So easy to get you with half-truths when you always focus on the wrong half” or words to that effect.
Regrouping at Orgrimmar Legion Camp. Krug Skullsplit offering troop support for counter-offensive. More forces needed for much prospect of success.
Courier carrying this note can fill in details as needed.
–Garona.
Between this and the Twilight strike at Bladefist Bay, I have a really bad feeling about this. Somehow they knew. They knew we were in Ahn’Qiraj, they knew we were preparing to move forces from Durotar. Not sure how much they know on both fronts, but it stands to reason if they knew we were sending the Doomhammer out, they probably know we have something brewing at Alcaz, and that we’re springing a trap.
And the more I think of it…nearly everything we know about all of this has been coming from Twilight informants.
Spirits help us. I think we’ve been played.
—Why have those cultists running around looking for something when they already knew where is was?
–Why are you having our people in Dustwallow carry on like the ogres there might still be holding the phylactery? … It’s just a way to keep the Grimtotem busy looking for it, keep them one move behind…
–Just a big misdirect.
–Mmhmm.
–Should I be worried that this cult and I seem to think so much alike?
I don’t think the phylactery was ever in Silithus. I think that was one more giant misdirect in a string of misdirects. They wanted us busy chasing our tails in Silithus. They wanted us to think we’d gotten one move ahead of them, setting a trap to lure in the phylactery while they’re moving it around the zone – the more I think of it, if they had the damn thing, and they had that many forces in Silithus, why keep it moving and exposed while they set up? Why wouldn’t they just bring everyone into the temple and set up while all their forces stand guard and the phylactery is safe in hand on-site? Why would they even need the business with the signal?
So now the question is, where is it, and why go to the trouble of having us orchestrate this huge trap on our end? If they’re playing games with us like this, they must know where the phylactery is, so why aren’t they just using it? Do they not have it still? Do they need something else before they actually CAN use it? They must be after something.
Preserved, yes, kept for the masters, held for them, alive, alive, need Skarr alive, all of us alive until we all die, die for the masters, die in glory, die in flame…
They…need Skarr. Alive.
And he was being chased by the Grimtotem. And us, for that matter. Only they had to know that WE wouldn’t kill him as long as we thought he knew something we needed. So…they let us get him? For safekeeping? But that still doesn’t make sense – why not move HIM down to Silithus and keep him under guard with this giant fucking army they apparently have? There’s something missing here. There’s something else they’re still after, otherwise it makes no sense to be playing this bait-and-switch game they have going.
So easy to get you with half-truths when you keep focusing on the wrong half.
And besides, Skarr didn’t even actually HAVE the phylactery. He had nothing in his camp, he had nothing on him, if he KNEW anything he wasn’t letting on…but he sure as hell THOUGHT he was playing some important role in it all, carrying out some important duty that Cho’gall trusted him with.
Cho’gall notice Skarr. Cho’gall remember. Keep in mind, keep in mind…
Hell, he was such a devoted crazy-ass follower of Cho’gall he even fucking TALKED like him half the time.
Wait a minute.
Wait…a minute.
Burn and drown and crush and suffocate.
Fuck.
…
FUCK.
Skarr was a believer. So he gave himself over to the cause – completely.
Apparently that’s the trade-off for this kind of ritual – restoring somebody’s spirit from a non-living vessel doesn’t take a whole lot of magical energy, but it does need something attuned to that particular spirit in order to focus the spell properly, as opposed to living vessels, which I guess actually keep the essence better preserved but require an immense amount of power to unlock.
He gave himself over by helping them preserve their leader the safest way possible.
Skarr IS the phylactery.
FUCK.
But…to release Cho’gall’s spirit from a living vessel, according to what Draz’Zilb said… they can’t just up and do that. They need an immense amount of magical power.
Like…say…a collection of ancient tauren artifacts, and the Doomstone.
Which are in the hands of Magatha.
Who we’re luring to the damn island.
With Skarr.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
Skarr was the key all along. We fucking had it in our hands and we didn’t even realize it. How did nobody see this? How did everybody fucking miss this? Me included! He was a fucking time bomb right there in our midst the whole time…
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
…and all they needed was for us to be chumps and pick a spot to plant the bomb and light the fuse for them.
I’m about to take off. By this point Dontrag and Utvoch must have reached Alcaz Island with Skarr. No telling how soon the Grimtotem will get there. Or the Twilights. No time now to get another ship ready to go – I need to fly down myself and do what I can to get this under control before everything goes to hell.
I’ll talk to you when I talk to you. Luck to us all.
Laying the bait
Sometimes I really hate my job.
When all this is over with, if it works the way we’re planning, it’ll all be worth it. I’ll be able to look back and say we stopped the Twilights, and finally caught Magatha, and I’ll even personally hand-deliver her to Baine to do what he will with her. Although, you know, if it’s going to be something painful, I’m really, really hoping I can skip to the front of the line of people who get to do it. But anyway.
It’s going to be worth it in the end, but that doesn’t mean that the things I need to do to get it to happen don’t still suck.
Everything is underway for the trap at Alcaz Island. Skarr is under lock and key in Dustwallow, and Dontrag and Utvoch are standing by to transport him to the island. I have a Kor’kron detachment ready to sail down from Bladefist Bay and slip in undetected by the Grimtotem. All we need now is for the Grimtotem to conveniently discover that we “know” where the phylactery is, and we’re being led to it.
And that’s the part that sucks.
The Grimtotem have been sending raiding parties down to hit Brackenwall Village fairly regularly. Nothing we can’t push back without a whole lot of trouble, but still. Now, though, we’re going to deliberately spread the ogre guards out and send scouting parties around the area, so the village itself has less of a defense force. So for one, we’ll give the appearance of a more vulnerable target, and two, when the Grimtotem finally do strike again, there will be few enough troops on hand that the stupid cows can feel like they’re actually putting a dent in the place this time.
In the middle of all this, I’m having a pair of orc couriers flee from the camp, and make it look like they’re making a break for the road back up to the Barrens. They’re going to be carrying a sealed letter from Draz’Zilb to me – basically notifying me that they’ve discovered the whereabouts of the phylactery, and Skarr will be leading us to its hiding place on Alcaz Island. When, where, all the RSVP details. The idea is that we’ll have the couriers take off during the attack, make sure they’re visible while leaving, and then let the Grimtotem catch them and take the letter and think they’ve made the big score.
And all that sounds fine. But here’s the thing. If the Grimtotem are going to buy this, we can’t make it too easy. We can’t just have a couple of our men stroll up to them waving a white flag. We can’t have them offering up the goods to save their own necks, or turning traitor to help them – the Grimtotem are a lot of things, but they’re not pants-on-head retarded, and they know us well enough to know that there’s no fucking way a pair of orcs would ever sell out the Horde to them, or go down without a fight.
So…they have to go down fighting.
They’ll make a break from the village, take just long enough to get out for the Grimtotem raiders to get after them, put up a fight, make it really seem like they’re hell-bent on getting through to the Barrens, and then, in the end…fail. Magatha will get the letter the only way she ever would – from their cold, dead hands.
I’ve talked to the couriers who are going on this mission. They know what’s being asked of them. I quietly rounded up some of our men and explained what was going on, what was at stake – the Grimtotem, and the Twilights, and Cho’gall, and Magatha and justice for Cairne – and told them this job was volunteers only.
Not a hand in the room stayed down.
I’d never been more proud to be Horde. (And they call us savages.)
In the end I chose two from among the volunteers to send. I made sure that the men going on the courier run were single, no children…we orcs have had far too many orphans and widows already, and I won’t have a hand in creating more if I can help it. They’re on their way to Dustwallow now, and soon enough the plan will be underway.
Like I said…in the end, it will pay off. In the end, the Grimtotem will be stopped. In the end, the Twilight’s Hammer will be prevented from getting their phylactery. Cho’gall will stay in the grave where he belongs, and Thrall will have a clear path to finish the job against Deathwing. Magatha will be captured and brought to justice, and maybe Cairne can finally rest a little easier.
I know that this is the right call. This is the only call. And I can live with it. I have to live with it.
Spirits forgive me.
Wherein I get clever and stuff
Okay, back to business.
I’m writing from Brackenwall Village. I just finished a strategy session with Krog, Drazz’Zilb, and Dontrag and Utvoch. By all signs, the Grimtotem here in Dustwallow are still hitting the Stonemaul ogres, and I’ve also gotten confirmation from Orhan Ogreblade that the Grimtotem in Feralas are still active around the Maul. So, that tells us that the Grimtotem still believe that the phylactery is being held by the ogres in one place or the other, and that they haven’t gotten wind of what’s going on in Silithus yet. Which means if we move quickly, we might have an opportunity here.
Here’s the thing: we know the Grimtotem operations in Feralas and Dustwallow were being coordinated by Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe. We also know that those two – along with a couple other high-ranking Grimtotem – are dead now, courtesy of (ugh) Johnny Awesome. And now that Magatha is on the loose again (oh and did I mention DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT FUCK YOU JOHNNY AWESOME FUCK YOU RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS), smart money says she’s going to be keeping a close eye on the search, seeing as the plan most likely came from her in the first place.
We’re going to get her. Keep reading for the nuts and bolts.
I’m having Skarr moved from Stonemaul Hold to Brackenwall Village, where the ogres will hold him until we’re ready to put the plan into motion. Then we’re going to let word slip out to the Grimtotem that we’ve captured a Twilight operative who knows where the phylactery is hidden, and is going to lead us to it. We’ll let them “find out” when and where, and at the set time we’ll even have Skarr transported to the location so there’s every appearance that the hand-off is going to happen. If we play this right, word will get right back to Magatha of what’s going on, and she’ll send her boys to try to intercept the phylactery. What’s more, if I know anything about Magatha – especially now that her main flunkies are out of commission – she’s not going to want to leave anything to chance. With any luck, she’ll come out of hiding herself to personally land the phylactery. And we’ll be waiting for her.
I’ve gone over the plan with Krog and the others, and I think we’ve gotten the final details sorted out. We’re going to let the Grimtotem think that the phylactery is hidden on Alcaz Island, off the Dustwallow coast. First off, it’s a remote spot without much reason for anyone to go to otherwise. Just as important, Drazz’Zilb tells me the island is covered with runes and conjuring circles from the naga mystics there, and so that should make it pretty easy to sell the idea that the phylactery is under some kind of magic lock and key, with Skarr being the only one able to get to it. This way Magatha will figure her best bet is to hit the island when we take Skarr there, rather than trying to get there before us and waste her time trying to track down a phylactery hidden who-knows-where that she can only unlock access to who-knows-how.
Meanwhile Garona will be holding down the fort in Silithus, where our Kor’kron forces will be set in position soon. Patrols already have the Silithus borders covered, so we know the real phylactery is contained. Just a matter of springing the trap there, and this should all finally be over. Still, it’s only a matter of time before word gets out about what’s going on there, so I don’t want to wait on Trap #1 before we set Trap #2. Or vice versa. Whatever. Number the traps in the order that makes you happy. Point is, I want to get the ball rolling on Alcaz Island ASAP. I’m heading back to Orgrimmar now to line up the final details. Updates soon.
Ahn’Qiraj
We’re not there yet, but things are starting to come together.
I met up with Garona in Silithus at the Scarab Gate. Based on the information we’d gotten from Skarr, the phylactery of Cho’gall is in Silithus (And by the way, did I mention I’m getting sick sick SICK of all the running around I’ve been stuck doing for this operation? Would it have killed them to set this all up within a few blocks?), and the final destination is going to be C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj – but since we didn’t know whether it was already there, or going straight there, or somewhere else in transit, we decided to hit the end point first and see if we could work backwards if necessary. So we met outside the ruins and made our way into the old temple.
It’s been years since Horde adventurers fought their way through that place and cleared out the Qiraji that held the area, but it’s still creepy as hell in there. The walls look like they might as well be alive, twitchy and slimy, and even knowing the Qiraji are gone, you still can’t help feeling like at any second some giant bug monster could jump out of the dirt at you. You end up walking through the place with the weirdest uneasy feeling, like you’re constantly tricking yourself into thinking you just saw something out of the corner of your eye.
We ran into a small pack of Twilight guards as we got fairly deep into the temple, and I probably don’t need to tell you how that went for them. (Heh.) We finally reached C’thun’s chamber in the heart of the temple, where we found a pair of Twilight cultists unpacking several crates of random conjuring doohickies and reagents, arranging them around the room… And by the way, as if the place didn’t already have enough creepy factor going for it, some of C’thun’s remains were still there. Dead for years and it’s still there, looking fresh enough that you’d half expect it to wake up. Maybe those Old Gods have something about them that prevents them from decomposing the way the rest of us do when we die. Curse of flesh, right? End to end, I’m pretty sure this stop is going to do wonders for my dreams come nighttime…
Anyhow… the cultists weren’t much more of an issue than the guards were, other than the fact that these guys needed to be taken alive, what with them probably knowing the most about what was going on. Still, it didn’t take too much doing to subdue them, and then Garona and I dragged them off into separate rooms to question them separately. No comment on how much beating either of them ended up taking. Just take my word that they’re both still alive. Mostly. Can’t go killing THESE cultists just yet, at least till we’re sure we don’t need any more info from them. Anyway, point is, we were able to get some information from them.
The phylactery isn’t in the temple now, but is being moved around the zone to prevent it from staying in one place for too long. There’s a Twilight agent going around with an entourage from camp to camp while the cultists here get everything ready for the ritual. Once they’re ready, they’re supposed to send up a signal, and the courier will know to make the final delivery.
I’m FAIRLY sure I can persuade them to fill us in on how they’re supposed to give the signal. (Heh.) Which means that (a) there’s no signal going out until we let it happen, and (b) we can control when it DOES go out. Which means, now we’re in business.
So here’s the plan.
Garona’s going to stay in Ahn’Qiraj while I head back to Orgrimmar and arrange for a Kor’kron stealth team to head down to Silithus quietly. We’ll move them into the temple, set up shop, and then once we have the place secured and have all the back exits and trap doors covered, we’ll give the signal for the Twilight courier to bring home the phylactery. After all, if it’s on the move all over the zone, why spend our time chasing it all over the place, when we can just have it hand delivered, right?
On my way out of Silithus I stopped at Cenarion Hold and talked to Commander Mar’alith. As a matter of fact, when we were first heading to Silithus, I kind of figured Cenarion support might be handy before all was said and done, so…spirits help me…I sent a letter to ol’ Lather-on-us in Northrend. I figured since he’s wanting to make nice with me now that he thinks I’m cutting back on the veal (HAH!), he might be able to put in a good word for us with his Cenarion friends. Pretty much just told him we’re working on an operation against the Twilight’s Hammer, who want to destroy the world, and if they do, it might be bad for the animals. That perked him up right quick.
So Ma’alith knew I’d probably be coming, and he’s agreed to help with the operation by stepping up the Cenarion patrols of the zone to make sure no cultists leave Silithus without us knowing. Meanwhile I’m having an entire battalion posted in the passageway between Silithus and Un’goro Crater, and putting the Kor’kron Air Guard on constant patrol around the zone. Between us and the Cenarions, nobody, but nobody, is getting out of Silithus without our say-so. Which means the phylactery is sealed up in Silithus, not going anywhere, until we get our people in position to spring the trap.
And speaking of which, on my way up to Durotar, I’m making a stop at Brackenwall Village to talk with Krog and the others.
Hold on tight, kids. I have an idea.
[Header image provided by Clara from Come Get tha Voodoo, via Rioriel of Postcards From Azeroth. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
Good news and really, really bad news
First the good news.
I just checked in with Krog and Draz’Zilb at Brackenwall Village, and things seem to be lining up on a couple fronts. For one, everything we learned from Skarr seems to check out. Draz’Zilb seems pretty knowledgeable on this kind of creepy black magic type stuff, and according to him it would make sense that C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj would be an ideal place to pull off a resurrection once they have the phylactery. From what he said (if I remember this right – there was a whole lot of hocus-pocus necro-babble), since Cho’gall tried to revive C’thun in that chamber, and actually let himself become an avatar for C’thun at one point, the surrounding area should be attuned to his essence in a way that will help focus the incantation. Apparently that’s the trade-off for this kind of ritual – restoring somebody’s spirit from a non-living vessel doesn’t take a whole lot of magical energy, but it does need something attuned to that particular spirit in order to focus the spell properly, as opposed to living vessels, which I guess actually keep the essence better preserved but require an immense amount of power to unlock. So considering the Twilight ties in Silithus, this lines up pretty ideally for them.
Meanwhile, the misdirection operation in Dustwallow Marsh seems to be working. Draz’Zilb has been putting on some regular pyrotechnic shows both in the village and around the general area, to make it seem like they’re up to something, and we’ve been sending out search parties of ogres and orcs alike to play up the appearance that we’ve got something brewing. The Grimtotem seem to be taking the bait, since attacks on the village have been happening more frequently the last few days. So far so good.
Now for the bad news. And…yeah, I actually can’t believe this one. I have to admit, at this point I can’t say I’m totally unaccustomed to shooting myself in the foot somehow, but OH COME ON.
So, remember a few days ago, when Garona and I met that blood elf guy at the Steam Pools resort? Johnny Awesome? (Yes, really.) Yeah, and remember how he wanted to help out, and do some quests for me personally? And how I sent him off to Thousand Needles or Tanaris to keep him busy?
Yeah, well, guess who I just heard back from.
Lakota Windsong, one of our main tauren operatives in Thousand Needles.
And guess who turned up looking to help, and got sent off on some tasks for Lakota?
Yep, you guessed it. Johnny Awesome.
Oh, and guess who APPARENTLY was also down there in Thousand Needles, unbeknownst to anyone except for Lakota Windsong and a few others who neglected to tell ME for what reason I CANNOT FUCKING IMAGINE, and who APPARENTLY had been captured and was being held by the Twilight’s Hammer cultists down there, that is until one Johnny Awesome happened along and FUCKING HELPED HER ESCAPE and now she’s ON THE LOOSE again??
MAGATHA FUCKING GRIMTOTEM.
…
…
YEAH. YEAH. YOU READ THAT RIGHT.
Excuse me one second.
sdljkfygjs09ea p875oyhtowi8ej7to98qw37eyhju0vg98y 13ouikltyhnudfj7 shyv5f0p9q23y5ikt7q3yhno4ik tlugyheq98o5gq3ui5yn q39oh867q3h40p 9tyqiu verkyhaow8l7tohqb23p89yh1 p8956vq734poj985t b77potyhq89o3 275vy gj8w45p90q374j5p9v82y 3p5o9v8jy73p98 q0jv3567qh3 4p9567j30 p9867p304975 ujmp 9oq347560 q93p47jy5683456t90327 j4u5v89yq30p9 57yvoq93475ypqv9 375yjvp9oq8w37y5j 890qv75jpq;v2y u5p9;q3847uv6m jp 9q38y746p98vt7q 04p87p345vt y7j8934756jyp0v9q 3476ypo89 q347y6j t0e34y 5tp9q37y4p968j 7yw90pe48j7 yv6098q374yj6v0p 9487p7q 3y4v86 7j tyq8epythise urhgliaseh rgtkjaeyhr tliuaeyrtiouy iortuyhilLIUY RIOUGF JYILTY HAEJKRGHTOEIAQY RTHVOILQWY3U5J OVQ3I8WY5 ROIQ UYIOY!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!1!11!!111!!one!!!!!111!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SEVEN THOUSAND GALLONS OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, DUDE!!!
Oh but wait, you want details? Sure! Absolutely! LET ME GIVE YOU THE FUCKING DETAILS!!!
APPARENTLY, after Magatha got her ass booted out of Thunder Bluff, she went into hiding in Thousand Needles, and when the Twilight’s Hammer started stepping up their activity there, they captured her along with a batch of others. (NICE HOW THEY WERE ABLE TO TRACK HER DOWN RIGHT OFF LIKE THAT, HUH?? YET ANOTHER BANG-UP JOB BY MY CRACK TEAM!) So when Lakota sent Johnny Awesome around to help clean up the Grimtotem mess down there, Magatha started sending messages to the stupid elf to get him to release her pet wind serpent Arikara. Along the way Johnny Awesome also killed Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe, so okay, good news there, since that takes out the braintrust that had been coordinating all the ogre business in Feralas and Dustwallow, but whatever, because along the way, Johnny Awesome ALSO managed to round up a batch of ancient tauren relics – the Writ of History, the Rattle of Bones, and the Drums of War – and ended up fucking handing them OVER to Magatha.
Because, get this, after he’d done all this good work killing off these high-ranking Grimtotem, Johnny Awesome got sent to the Twilight outpost to check up on Magatha…and not only does he fucking HAND OVER THESE RELICS, but he goes out and acquires ANOTHER powerful artifact called the Doomstone…which he ALSO fucking HANDS OVER TO MAGATHA…and THEN, just to finish up, HE FUCKING FREES HER FROM THE TWILIGHTS AND LETS HER SKIP OFF ON HER MERRY FUCKING WAY!!!
I…
It…
He…
SLDKGJSHFGKJSHF GKUSDFJHGKLJSDFHGN KLSJDHFGKSJDH FGKUJSFG HKSERHTGLIKU HTGLISERHGJK,LDLI UGBYHSGITYH EIRGTHLER HGTLIEAHGLJK SADEHGLJKAEHGL JSERGLSELIGU HSGRHSERGHERGH
[Insert vocabulary failure here.]
So, yeah. Before I forget:
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE, FROM YOUR WARCHIEF: Effective immediately, THERE WILL BE A REWARD OF TEN THOUSAND OF ONE MILLION OF MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY COUNT TO BE PAID TO WHOEVER DELIVERS TO GROMMASH HOLD THE MUTILATED (but identifiable) CORPSE OF ONE JOHNNY AWESOME.
(Additional note to Wega and/or Uukra: If it’s you, there might be a dinner date in it for you. Consider it your incentive.)
THAT IS ALL.
P.S.: The FUCK!! AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Conversations with crazy people
So back to business. Now that some of the holiday festivities are behind us, it’s about time I fill you all in on what’s been going on with this whole phylactery business.
Like I was saying a few days ago, after Garona and I captured Skarr we brought him back to Stonemaul Hold and held him for questioning for a while. Good thing is that it ended up not taking too much to get some partial answers out of him. Mokvar was on hand to record the interrogation, so I’ve copied a part below so you can see how things went. I cut out some early stuff with Skarr just being generally crazy before we started getting actual information, but I think you’ll get the idea.
GARONA: I’m not sure we’re getting anywhere. Do you think we should bring in that ogre from Brackenwall?
GARROSH: Draz’Zilb? No, that won’t work here.
GARONA: Why not? It got you what you needed from that Grimtotem.
SKARR: Foolish bulls, cows, grazing in the woods, running around and back and forth, chasing their tails, they look for Skarr, they look, but no, they never find him, stupid cows, never look the right way in front of behind them and see…
GARROSH: First of all, Draz’Zilb’s voodoo mojo thingy was all about forcing the prisoner to come face to face with their greatest fears until they give in just out of self-preservation.
GARONA: So?
GARROSH: You think self-preservation is the way to go with a lunatic? A lunatic working for the Old Gods, for that matter? Either he’s crazy enough to think they’re going to spare him…
SKARR: Preserved, yes, kept for the masters, held for them, alive, alive, need Skarr alive, all of us alive until we all die, die for the masters, die in glory, die in flame, HAHA!
GARROSH: …or he knows he’s going to end up dead. And signed on for it anyway. Either way, we’re not dealing with a normal mind here.
SKARR: Haha, you talk like Skarr not here! Skarr knows! Skarr mind have more than you think, Skarr almost outsmart so smart you think, you think, you…you… <stares>
GARROSH: Besides…Draz’Zilb’s thing will kill him.
SKARR: HAH! Kill! Kill! All around, blackness all, all awaiting. It comes, it comes, crawling, swarming…
GARONA: I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing.
SKARR: Death comes for you all. HAHA!
GARROSH: No. We want this one alive. He’s not just some random foot soldier.
SKARR: Stupid foolish cows.
Garrosh leans in close, staring into Skarr’s face.
GARROSH: There’s something in there.
GARONA: We’ll get it.
Skarr grins wide and lets out a crazed laugh.
GARROSH: But before too long the Twilights are going to know he’s gone missing, and it’s not going to take a whole lot of brain power to figure out where he went. Hell, with all the spies they seem to have, they might already know.
SKARR: Stupid orcses, think you so smart, Skarr outsmart you, almost outsmart and hack and hack and kill in the woods!
GARROSH: Wow he’s proud of that poison move.
GARONA: Sharper than most ogres would think to do, I’ll grant him.
GARROSH: But, point is…if we kill him, they’ll find out quick enough. And then they’ll know we have everything he knew. So we keep him alive.
SKARR: Hold Skarr, yes, yes, keep me close, watching – HAH! – waiting, watching, tick, tock, the hour comes, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…
Garrosh leans in closer, still staring.
GARROSH: Oh, don’t worry, Skarr. You’ll still die eventually.
SKARR: <grin fades> Orc die too. Die in fire! Shadow and flame, tick, tock, the Hour of Twilight comes…
GARROSH: <shakes head> No… See, Skarr, that’s just it. Your big bad hot-shit apocalypse we’re all going to die in? It’s not coming.
Skarr’s face melts into a scowl as he glares at Garrosh in silence.
And you’re going to live just long enough to know that you lost.
Garrosh walks away from the ogre and stands by Garona, both of them watching him intently.
SKARR: <mutters> Tick, tock…
GARROSH: Would be nice if he didn’t just talk in circles, though.
GARONA: That’s fine. Let him talk in circles. That’s good.
SKARR: Yes, yes, round and round, circling spinning, circles closing, closing, always closing in around you…tick, tock, tick…
GARROSH: See? How is that good?
GARONA: Remember, I’ve done my share of interrogations, too. The Twilight’s Hammer…the humans…
SKARR: Stupid stupid foolish cows, chasing, chasing, chasing their tails…
GARONA: Crazy or not, when they talk in circles, you just have to let them keep talking. Let them keep circling. It means they’re circling around what they know. Sooner or later they’ll give you what you want…because they don’t know how to talk about anything else.
SKARR: Skarr know what orcs want.
GARONA: And this one, he wants to tell us.
GARROSH: The what you say?
SKARR: DIE! FLAME AND SHADOW!
GARONA: Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they kept steering it back to the same topics over and over?
GARROSH: I’ve…had the experience.
GARONA: It’s the same idea.
SKARR: Skarr knew you come, he knew…
GARONA: They keep coming back to the things they want to talk about. And especially this one…I bet he’s dying to let it out. Aren’t you, Skarr?
SKARR: Burn and drown and crush and suffocate! HAHAH!
GARROSH: Fuck, how did THIS guy get put on a job like this?
GARONA: Mmhmm, exactly.
GARROSH: Huh?
GARONA: He’s probably never been trusted with something this important before. Have you, Skarr? Just another ogre, a good enough fighter probably, but really nothing special. But then the Twilight’s Hammer comes along…
SKARR: They need Skarr! Skarr knows, Skarr sees…since the Maul…
GARONA: You were there when Cho’gall came to the Maul, weren’t you? Had his gathering with the Gordunni…
SKARR: Skarr look into it…look into nothing, nothing, Skarr know then, Skarr know, nothing all the way down…
Garona steps closer to Skarr, watching his face.
GARONA: He saw something in you, didn’t he? Cho’gall. Ogre to ogre. And he trusted you.
SKARR: All the way down…
GARONA: It must have been a good feeling.
GARROSH: You’re not going to start getting all touchy-feely now, are you?
GARONA: You must have been so…proud.
GARROSH: Because really, it’s not a good look for you.
SKARR: Cho’gall trust Skarr. Cho’gall give Skarr. Give Skarr vision, give Skarr the truth, give Skarr, give Skarr purpose—
GARONA: Gave you the phylactery. And a mission to keep it safe, is that it?
Skarr falls silent.
GARROSH: I don’t get why THIS guy would be the caretaker of something that important, though.
GARONA: Have you SEEN the other ogres?
GARROSH: Yeah, none of them are exactly geniuses, but still, I’m not seeing what’s so different about this one.
SKARR: Skarr BELIEVE.
GARROSH: You believe. Believe what?
GARONA: Don’t you get it? Everything. The whole hopeless crusade… You were the only one who really GOT it, weren’t you, Skarr?
SKARR: Others say. Others pretend. Or tell Cho’gall what they think he want, not listening, never listening, silly brothers, never listen, never seeing, lost in the forest, blind for the trees, fight over ashes in house aflame, fire and shadow, burn and crush and drown—
GARROSH: Fighting in a burning house…
GARONA: The others wanted to get on Cho’gall’s good side as a means to an end – power, riches, rewards. But see? Those are all…well…things of this world. As long as there are still things left in the world that you want, then you still haven’t really given up.
GARROSH: <nodding> He was the only one in the burning house going “Fuck it, let it burn…”
SKARR: Skarr look into nothing and nothing look back…nothing see nothing, nothing see itself, mirrors in mirrors and circles and circles, round and round into nothing…and it was good…
GARONA: Cho’gall wanted to see who had given up.
SKARR: Nothing, nothing, all the way down…
GARROSH: Okay… So I get it, Skarr. The other ogres, yeah, they were busy focusing on what would be in it for them if the Twilights won, and that’s fine for the battleground fodder, right? For your garden variety foot soldiers, you don’t care if they’re just in it for the paycheck…but for the inner circle, you want the people who are all-in, is that it?
SKARR: Cho’gall notice Skarr. Cho’gall remember. Keep in mind, keep in mind…
GARROSH: So when the time came for him to hide the phylactery away, you were the one he went to.
GARONA: The one who was worthy.
GARROSH: So fine. You’re the chosen one. Kudos to you, nice job on the hopeless despair, real feather in your cap there. So what happened to it? If you’re the keeper of this big-fucking-deal trust, what are you doing hiding in a broken-down gnoll village?
SKARR: Stampede the Maul…clatter of hoofs, rattle of swords…
GARROSH: The Grimtotem.
GARONA: It adds up. He was up in Dire Maul at some point, and that’s where the Grimtotem started hitting more of late. It makes sense he would head south to make sure they didn’t find what they were after.
GARROSH: So he high-tailed it down to the Lower Wilds with the phylactery, and…wait a minute. If the Twilights already HAD the damn thing, what’s this whole big production been about? Why have those cultists running around hitting the ogre hot spots like they were looking for something when they already knew where it was?
GARONA: Why are you having our people in Dustwallow carry on like the ogres there might still be holding the phylactery?
GARROSH: I…ah.
GARONA: It’s just a way to keep the Grimtotem busy looking for it, keep them one move behind…
SKARR: <chuckling madly> Chasing their tails, chasing their tails, silly stupid cows…
GARROSH: Just a big misdirect.
GARONA: Mmhmm.
GARROSH: Should I be worried that this cult and I seem to think so much alike?
GARONA: No comment.
GARROSH: Well hang on again, wasn’t the whole point with the Grimtotem that they were trying to find this thing BEFORE the Twilights? How did they even get started on a race to fins something that wasn’t lost?
GARONA: Who knows where the Grimtotem were getting their information? Or exactly how they were putting the details together? Look at it – they could have learned somehow that the Twilight’s Hammer needs the phylactery to bring back Cho’gall. Which they do. And that it’s somewhere among the ogres. Which is was. Beyond that, who knows? There’s a million ways they could have gotten the details twisted around, mistaken it being hidden for being lost…
GARROSH: So where is it now?
Garrosh and Garona both turn to Skarr.
WHERE. IS IT. NOW?
SKARR: <chuckles> Safe.
GARROSH: Well it sure as hell isn’t in that camp you were staying at, I know that much. We turned the place upside down after we got your fat ass under wraps.
SKARR: Not matter, not matter, what you do with Skarr not matter, Skarr do his job, Skarr… What happen now…not in Skarr’s hands.
GARONA: They have it.
GARROSH: Is that it, you big ball of crazy? You finished your end of the job keeping it safe, and you handed it off to the cult? Pass it along then stay behind to make sure it looks like there’s still a search on while everybody else spins their wheels?
SKARR: Tick, tock, tick—
GARROSH: <pummel>
SKARR: <silenced>
GARROSH: KNOCK IT OFF with the idiot tick-tock bullshit.
SKARR: Sliding sands through the glass, through the hourglass, slipping away…
GARROSH: And that goes for whatever other time-passing metaphors you’ve got up your sleeve!
SKARR: Sands passing, sands sliding, slipping, sifting, sifting, shifting sands, shifting, sifting, si—
GARROSH: So help me, ogre—
GARONA: Wait, wait, I think I get it.
GARROSH: Oh. Yeah. Of course. Why didn’t I realize you could speak fluent crazy?
GARONA: I’m SERIOUS. The sands. It’s not a random time metaphor there just to taunt you.
GARROSH: What then?
GARONA: And by the way, since when is “metaphor” a part of your vocabulary, anyway?
GARROSH: Keeping on track, please?
GARONA: Well I’m just saying, metaphors? You?
GARROSH: Why do people keep talking like I’m some kind of illiterate moron? I DO write poetry on the side—
GARONA: You do? Poetry?
GARROSH: —so you’ll EXCUSE me if I actually managed to pick up a literary device here and there, okay?
GARONA: Do you write a lot of poetry?
GARROSH: Can you PLEASE stay focused? The sand thing isn’t a metaphor, fine, and yes I know what the fuck a metaphor is, stop the presses, big fucking deal, so what IS it? And so help me, if you get smart as say it’s a simile—
GARONA: Is that the one with “like” or “as”?
GARROSH: Really not the point.
GARONA: I’m just wondering, I always get those mixed up. Metaphors are the ones without “like” or “as,” right? And similes are with “like” or “as”?
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake. YES, fine, similes use “like” or “as”, are you happy now? HERE, just to illustrate the fucking point: “I would really LIKE to get out of this conversation AS soon AS possible,” can we fucking move on please?
GARONA: That really doesn’t sound like a simile.
GARROSH: <rubbing head> You were actually doing pretty okay today, you really were.
SKARR: Circling, circling, round and round, endless wailing, endless darkness, darkness dying souls…
GARROSH: Right there with you, Skarr.
GARONA: And what’s that supposed to mean?
GARROSH: How about we focus on what something ELSE is supposed to mean, like say, I don’t know, the fucking thing about the sands which apparently aren’t going through the hourglass, and…oh fuck, wait, is it the Caverns of Time? Sands of the hourglass sounds like of Nozdormu-y, is that it?
GARONA: I just said it wasn’t a metaphor.
GARROSH: Well technically, that would be pretty literal, not a metaphor.
GARONA: How would that be literal?
GARROSH: Um, he was referring to sands passing through an hourglass, and that’s time, and those are the Caverns of Time, where all kinds of timey whimey stuff goes down – I’m not sure how much more literal you can get than that.
GARONA: Yes, I get the connection, but an hourglass is still a metaphor for time in that context, isn’t it?
GARROSH: If you really want to split hairs, I suppose, but it’s more kind of a dead metaphor.
GARONA: A dead metaphor?
GARROSH: You heard me.
GARONA: What the hell is that? I think you’re making this stuff up now.
GARROSH: I’m not making anything up, it just so happens I’ve read a fucking book or two in my life, is there a problem with that?
GARONA: And besides, why would they send the phylactery to the Caverns of Time? How does that make any sense at all? The place is crawling with bronze dragons who are on our side.
GARROSH: Well then what’s YOUR answer, little Miss Brainstorm?
GARONA: Although I suppose it’s not that big of a stretch, since there’s also that whole thing about sand, and there is a lot of sand in Tanaris, and in a roundabout way that’s kind of—
SKARR: It’s Silithus! For N’Zoth’s sake, it’s fucking SILITHUS! FUCK! Twilight agents picked up the phylactery, and they’re delivering it to SILITHUS, okay? Can you just SHUT UP now?!
GARONA: See! SEE?! I knew it! I KNEW it was Silithus!
GARROSH: I think you’re really overlooking the most illuminating part of that little outburst.
GARONA: Because, you see, the Twilight’s Hammer has always had a presence there, and then there’s the reference to “shifting sands”…
GARROSH: No, really, you want to step back and look at the bigger picture here.
SKARR: In order to carry out the resurrection, they need the residual energies from C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj to focus the spell. It’s where Cho’gall tried to restore C’thun to this world, and the place is attuned to his spirit as a result…
GARONA: And see, even the words he was using – shifting, sliding, slipping, sifting, Silithus!
GARROSH: Right, it’s Silithus, we get it.
GARONA: I’m just saying, it’s exactly what I thought it was!
GARROSH: Yeah, good for you, that’s great.
GARONA: I could have told you, too, if you’d have let me get a word in edgewise.
GARROSH: I…what?
GARONA: Instead of going on about what a big literary expert you’re supposed to be.
GARROSH: I never said I was—
GARONA: You’ll notice who actually managed to read between the lines and figure out what was going on here, though.
GARROSH: I SAID good job.
GARONA: Yes, but there was a tone.
GARROSH: There was not a tone.
GARONA: I picked up a tone.
GARROSH: I think I would know if I had a tone!
GARONA: Because you’re such an unparalleled master of language, is that it?
GARROSH: For fuck’s sake, here we go again.
GARONA: I need to see this poetry of yours, by the way.
SKARR: Is she always like this?
After this point I was heading back to Orgrimmar for Winter’s Veil stuff, which came in handy since it let me put a little distance between me and Garona, who let me tell you, dialed it up to eleven after the way things finished up with Skarr. Meanwhile she’s gone ahead to Silithus to start chasing down the Twilights. I’ll be heading down soon myself. With any luck we can make some quick progress before the Twilights piece together that something is up.
The story so far
I don’t know what’s wrong with you people. Everybody seemed overjoyed to see the kind of bullshit agony I had to endure the other day with Garona and Johnny Awesome and all the rest of it. Fuck, if I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe you people didn’t love your Warchief!
Anyway, Garona and I are getting ready to head off to go looking for that ogre Skarr, but while I’m getting squared away here at the inn, I thought I’d take care of some blog stuff. For one, I know the last couple days I’ve been getting a batch of new readers, between the Twitter feed and getting links passed around, so I figured it might be a good idea to try to catch up any newcomers to the blog.
First of all, if you ARE new, welcome! Lok’tar! Good to have you here. Unless you’re Alliance. In which case, DAMN YOU TO THE NETHER, FUCKERS. But meh, keep reading. What the hell.
Second, Spazzle recently added an About page to the blog, with some general info and background type stuff for anyone new. I know he usually tries to be good about setting up my posts with links to older ones that are relevant for background, but y’know, he’s just a goblin, so I’m sure he misses some stuff here and there. Also along those lines, I figured this might be a good time to step back and run through what’s been going on for our many new readers, seeing as this ogre business has been unfolding for a while:
A few weeks back, Grimtotem raiders in Dustwallow Marsh and Feralas started attacking ogres. I could care less about the Gordunni ogres, mind you, but it was a much bigger deal that they were also hitting the Stonemaul ogres too, who have been allied with the Horde for a while.
I sent Dontrag and Utvoch to Brackenwall Village to help Krog with his investigation. Using some…um…pro bait-and-trapping, the bunch of them were able to capture a Grimtotem raider, and interrogated him with help from me and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb. Wait, what am I talking about, “with help from”? They hardly did a damn thing during the interrogation. It was pretty much all me and Draz’Zilb.
Anyway, Draz’Zilb used some FUCKING SCARY-ASS voodoo mojo shit on the Grimtotem, and we got the story. The Grimtotem discovered that the Twilight’s Hammer want to use an ogre relic to resurrect Cho’gall. Apparently, while he was holding a gathering of ogres in Feralas a few months back, Cho’gall imbued a phylactery with his spirit (or part of it, or whatever…don’t ask me how this raise-the-dead stuff works…personally I’m getting sick of all the “Bastion of Twilight was just a setback” bullshit already). Now the Twilights are trying to find the phylactery, and the Grimtotem are trying to beat them to it. According to the prisoner, they believe if they find it first, they can cut some kind of deal with the Twilights to regain their lost holdings.
The Twilight’s Hammer believe one of the ogre clans in Feralas or Dustwallow have the phylactery, so the Grimtotem have been raiding the Gordunni and Stonemaul ogres to try to track it down. High-ranking members of the tribe have been sent to both areas to coordinate, but if you ask me this whole plan has Magatha written all over it.
We know the Stonemaul ogres don’t have the phylactery, but we’re letting the Grimtotem keep thinking they might so they keep their attention divided. Meanwhile, I recalled Garona Halforcen from Twilight Highlands, and she and I headed out to Feralas to investigate. I got some information from a Twilight’s Hammer cultist in the southern ogre camps, and Garona confirmed the story from a Twilight run-in of her own up at Dire Maul: the main Twilight contact in the area is an ogre named Skarr, who’s taken up hiding somewhere in the Lower Wilds.
Garona and I met up at the Steam Pools to compare notes and plan our next step. We also met this blood elf named Johnny Awesome while we were there, which was good for comic relief, if by “comic relief” you mean “makes you want to stick a sharp stick through your eye, into your brain, and swirl it around.” Now we’re about to split up to go after Skarr. With any luck we can find him and get more pieces to fall into place.
So…that’s where we stand now. Next time you hear from me, odds are I’ll be out in the Feralas wilds somewhere trying to track down Skarr. In the meantime, a little nugget to hold everyone over:
There once was a blood elf named Johnny,
Who thought himself ever so bonny.
To get him off my hands
I sent him to Ghostlands
Where he could annoy the Amani.
EPIC VERSE!
Updates soon. Stay tuned.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
Awesome job, Mokvar
Well, Garona took her sweet time getting here, which shouldn’t really surprise me, to be honest. Yeah, sure, you’ll be there at the time we set to meet. And you’ll be ready to go out in just ten minutes, right? Same deal. Women.
While I was waiting, I sent word to Orgrimmar to have Mokvar come out to help with the recordkeeping. I figure with everything going on, I’ll want to keep a detailed account of all the information we collect, and so it just makes sense to keep my own in-house scribe around. It’s either that or take time out to write everything down myself, and let’s face it, my time is going to be better spent thinking great thoughts. Plus, let’s be honest, my handwriting is crap. Even by Mokvar standards.
Since Mokvar’s going to be transcribing a lot of stuff – notes, maps, details from our investigations, etc. – I’ve had Spazzle set him up to be able to edit these posts to add in any write-ups he thinks would be useful to add to the record here. Plus this way it spares me having to make sense of his godawful handwriting and take the time to transcribe it myself. (Just as long as he just inserts his stuff. I warned him that if he tries monkeying around with my actual writing, I’ll fucking hand his ass over to Draz’Zilb for whatever scary-ass voodoo experiments he might want to pull on him. And yes, I’m fucking territorial about my intellectual property.)
Anyway, though, she finally did show up, and we set up shop in the tavern of the inn to go over what we’ve found. She couldn’t find any traces of the phylactery itself, and she says the Maul is still a pretty big mess from when Cho’gall had held his ogre gathering. Turns out, though, she also had a run-in with some Twilights while she was there, and found them as easy to persuade as I did. Their story more or less matched mine: the ogre Skarr had been heading up their search around Dire Maul, but recently headed to the southern part of Feralas to set up camp. He left some of the other Twilight agents to keep looking for anything they could find around the Maul, with orders to check in with him. They didn’t have details on exactly where to find him, or else Garona was going to go pay him a visit herself – apparently Skarr just told them to go to the Lower Wilds, and he would find them if he needed them, whatever that means. Oh and here’s the best part – right when she was about to polish them off, some Grimtotem raiders showed up, fighting a bunch of the Gordunni ogres…so just as the bunch of them were almost on top of her and the Twilights, she just up and POOF-vanished, and left the whole gang of them to have at each other.
So, next up, we’re going to go searching for Skarr. We’ll split up on the way, since we don’t really know what he’s going to have there as far as backup. Garona’s going to stealth her way through the woods and see if she can do some spying on the way. (I offered her a camel she could take for the trip, but I guess she preferred to go by foot…) Meanwhile I’ll be doing a flyover to see what I can find, and then, you know, probably wind up taking the direct approach while she’s doing her snooping.
There were a lot of little odds and ends that the two of us had to update each other on, and some what-ifs to plan for for the next few days, so we ended up spending a while there in the tavern. Credit where it’s due, those goblins have some pretty good cooks on payroll. While we were there, we also had a run-in with this blood elf guy who was just kind of wandering back and forth from the bar, babbling on about his dead pony or something, but the less said about him the better.
GARROSH: Hold up. Have you noticed the blood elf guy who keeps looking over this way?
GARONA: Every few minutes. He keeps looking at us, then looking away when one of us looks back.
GARROSH: Think he’s a spy or something?
GARONA: Not likely. The Grimtotem wouldn’t trust an outsider, so they wouldn’t bring in a blood elf to spy for them. The Twilight’s Hammer would get someone who was competent enough not to just sit out in the open staring at his quarry. So who else? The Alliance? Some from column A, some from column B, no-go there.
GARROSH: Can you tell if he’s watching one of us in particular?
GARONA: I’m not sure. Do you think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I don’t know, that’s why I asked.
GARONA: Ugh, I hope he’s not going to come over to try to pick me up.
GARROSH: Why would you think he’s going to…oh never mind.
GARONA: Why? You don’t think he would? It’s not like I don’t ever have men stare at me in bars, you know.
GARROSH: Yeah, no, I’m sure they do.
GARONA: You sound like you don’t believe me!
GARROSH: I didn’t say that!
GARONA: I’ll have you know I get hit on all the damn time!
GARROSH: I’m not arguing with you, dammit!
GARONA: Just because I have a grown son doesn’t mean I’m some old lady, you know!
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake, can we not go through another whole song and dance about your kid?
GARONA: Oh, sure, who wants some old worn-out orc who’s already pumped out a kid, is that it? You men are all alike.
GARROSH: When the fuck did I even say anything? I’ve got no problem with you having a kid, go ahead, have your kid, have more kids, have a whole barn of them, I don’t give a shit!
GARONA: Well you sure made it sound like some wrinkled old matron like me certainly couldn’t be catching the eye of some spry young elf in a bar.
GARROSH: I didn’t say any such damn thing! Fuck! Look, hell, there’s a REASON why the term “MILF” got coined in the first place, okay?
GARONA: So you think I’m pretty?
GARROSH: …
GARONA: Well?
GARROSH: I’m thinking.
GARONA: What do you mean, you’re thinking? What’s there to think about? Either you think I’m pretty or you don’t! You know, if you have to THINK about it—
GARROSH: I’m trying to think of what answer is LEAST likely to get me stabbed in my sleep later on.
GARONA: And what makes you think I’m going to be nearby when you’re asleep in your bed?
GARROSH: <facepalm>
GARONA: Because honey, don’t flatter yourself.
GARROSH: …
GARONA: What?
GARROSH: Lady, you are one great big can of crazy, you know that?
GARONA: What’s THAT supposed to mean?
GARROSH: Can we PLEASE get back to the guy who’s watching us, or the Grimtotem thing, or maybe even just beat my head in with a brick because even that would be less excruciating than what we’re doing now?
GARONA: You know, there are a lot of men who’d be thrilled to be talking with me over a few flagons.
GARROSH: Oh for FUCK’S sake!
GARONA: I’m just saying. Lots and lots. You have no idea.
GARROSH: Could you maybe call them all over here to beat me in the head until I lose all memory of this conversation?
GARONA: Fine, BE that way.
GARROSH: SO ABOUT THE FUCKING ELF.
GARONA: You think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I hope the hell he is. Maybe he can sweep you away and give me the glorious treat of your absence.
GARONA: Well now you’re just being passive-aggressive.
GARROSH: It’s a goddamn good thing for you that you’re genuinely good in a fight, that’s all I’m going to say.
GARONA: I’m just trying to help you. You know you’re never going to find a girl if you keep up with this attitude.
GARROSH: Tell me something, when you assassinated Llane, did you actually have to kill him? Or did you just strike up a conversation with him and keep talking until he threw himself on your daggers?
GARONA: He wouldn’t have been the first man to throw himself at me, I’ll tell you that much right now.
GARROSH: THE ELF, for fuck’s sake, THE FUCKING ELF, before I squeeze my head down another hat size trying to cover my ears again!
GARONA: Fine, then!
The blood elf, by this point, has wandered over closer to the table.
BLOOD ELF: Um, excuse me?
GARROSH: Oh thank goodness.
BLOOD ELF: Am I interrupting something?
GARROSH: Yes, you are, and spirits bless you for it. Can I buy you a drink? A round of drinks? And an epic mount of your choosing?
BLOOD ELF: Oh…no, no, you see, my pony only just recently…passed… <sniffle> It’s just too soon. Plus…um…well, I mean, it’s a flattering offer, but I don’t…you know…swing that way, so…
GARROSH: Well hold on, I didn’t…
GARONA: <eyes widen> Ohhh, wait a minute, NOW it’s making more sense…
GARROSH: Plus you’re a male blood elf, what do you mean you…oh never mind.
BLOOD ELF: What does that mean?
GARONA: I’m so, so sorry. I should have realized.
GARROSH: Will you SHUT IT? That’s not what I fucking meant.
GARONA: No WONDER you’re so angry all the time.
GARROSH: I AM NOT FUCKING ANGRY ALL THE TIME, YOU INFURIATING CRAZY-ASS BATSHIT HARPY!
GARONA: Mmhmm.
GARROSH: Look, can we drop the… <looks to Mokvar> Are you seriously writing all that down?
MOKVAR: Well, um, yes, sir. You said I should keep a record of everything.
GARROSH: <blink> I…just… Wow.
MOKVAR: Begging your pardon, sir, you did say we need to keep everything written down in case some easily overlooked details end up being important later.
GARROSH: You win, Thrall. Oh, man, you really, really win. Good one, dude. Hats off to you. You win.
GARONA: Now see, THRALL found himself a nice girl, and see what he did?
GARROSH: He HAD HIS SOUL RIPPED INTO FOUR PIECES is what he did!
MOKVAR: Sounds like marriage to me, sir.
GARROSH: Heh, yeah, amen, Mokvar.
GARONA: Mmhmm. Interesting.
BLOOD ELF: Should I just…leave…?
GARROSH: For the love of the spirits, NO.
BLOOD ELF: It’s just that, well, I couldn’t help but notice…
GARONA: You see! He was looking at me!
GARROSH: <looks to elf> Run now.
BLOOD ELF: Well no, I was looking at her.
GARONA: See?
BLOOD ELF: I was looking at both of you, actually.
GARONA: You…wait, what?
GARROSH: I think what he means—
GARONA: Oh no, no, sweetie, I… No, I don’t do those anymore.
GARROSH: <rubbing head> I seriously don’t know if I want to stop the Twilight’s Hammer from destroying the world anymore.
BLOOD ELF: I’m…confused.
GARROSH: Give her a few minutes. It gets worse.
GARONA: But I’m not sure why you’d be interested in getting Garrosh involved, if you say you don’t—
BLOOD ELF: So you ARE Garrosh! Garrosh Hellscream? The Warchief?
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s me. What of it? And please elaborate at length if it stops her from chiming in for a while.
BLOOD ELF: And so you must be Garona Halforcen?
GARROSH: Oh good, kick it over to her right away. Well played.
GARONA: That’s me, yes.
BLOOD ELF: <beaming> Oh wow, I can’t believe I’m really getting to meet you! This really is an honor for me!
GARROSH: Uh oh. Fanboy alert.
BLOOD ELF: And, if I say so myself, for it to be an honor for me really is quite the honor for YOU, too. It’s not just anyone who can impress me right off like that.
GARONA: Um…
GARROSH: Okay…
BLOOD ELF: You see, I’ve been making quite a name for myself within the Horde as well. I’ll have you know, I was an exalted hero of Tranquillien within a few mere hours of arriving at the place!
GARROSH: Wait, Tranq-what-now?
BLOOD ELF: And granted, I really haven’t had occasion to drop by Orgrimmar to meet you in person, Warchief, but I’m sure tales of my adventures have made their way all the way to your war room.
GARROSH: Um, maybe? Oh…OH, so wait, you’re one of those…yeah, one of the… up-and-coming adventurers that we send off of various missions in the outlying zones… Right…
GARONA: I thought you said those quests weren’t really all that—
GARROSH: Ix-nay on the usywork-bay.
GARONA: Oh. Right.
GARROSH: Anyway, um, so yeah, maybe I’ve seen reports on your…exploits… Um, what was your name again?
BLOOD ELF: I…am Johnny Awesome.
[The Blood Elf will henceforth be referenced as Johnny Awesome, because really, this is just too good. –Mkvr., ed.]
GARROSH: No, I can’t say I – wait, that’s your name?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Uh, yes.
GARROSH: No, I mean, it’s your real name? Not like an alias you made up for yourself?
JOHNNY AWESOME: No, it’s my name.
GARROSH: Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Awesome.
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s an old Highborn name. It goes back thousands of years.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
GARONA: It’s a wonder things didn’t work out better for Azshara if she had the Awesomes working for her.
GARROSH: <chortle>
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s…it’s true.
GARROSH: I’m sure it is.
GARONA: If only she could have had her field troops led by Jimmy Omgipwnedurface.
GARROSH: <snicker> Haha, you know, I think I know a guy on Earth Online who uses that name.
GARONA: Oh wow, you play Earth Online too?
GARROSH: Yeah. You play? What server?
GARONA: Palin, Kalimdor region. You?
GARROSH: Goldwater-Kalimdor. Hah, that’s awesome.
GARONA: Med’an got me started on it. I really only started playing originally just to check in on what he was doing. You know how it is with the internet.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Can’t be too careful.
GARONA: Although I have to admit it’s really starting to annoy me that they broke the mature language filter so you can’t keep it turned off now!
GARROSH: Oh I KNOW, right? That’s !@#$ing ANNOYING.
GARONA: I mean I’m an ADULT, if I want to talk like one I should be able to.
GARROSH: What do you think of the expansion? Have you seen much about it?
GARONA: I don’t know. I’m cautiously optimistic.
GARROSH: Oh come on. Australians? They’re seriously making a whole expansion about Australians?
GARONA: Well you know, to be fair, it’s not like they’ve never taken a joke and used it seriously before. People forget that Canada was originally a running gag too, and look how well they integrated that.
GARROSH: Yeah, I suppose…
JOHNNY AWESOME: I…have no idea what you two are talking about.
GARROSH: Online gaming.
JOHNNY AWESOME: You actually do that?
GARONA: Is that a problem?
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s just…I guess I just sort of figured you guys would be…a little cooler than that.
GARROSH: Excuse me, do you really want to get into a coolness pissing contest with us?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well I just mean…
GARROSH: Do you really want to? Because if you want to go, we can go.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well no, it’s just that…I mean, come on, an MMO?
GARROSH: So let’s see, commanded fifteen Kor’kron legions on a military campaign across the arctic wastes culminating in the death of the fucking Lich King. Shall we start there?
GARONA: Single-handedly assassinated the king of Stormwind?
GARROSH: Also a good one.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Look, I’m not trying to—
GARROSH: Son of the slayer of Mannoroth.
GARONA: Mother of the new Guardian of Tirisfal.
GARROSH: Crash landed an airship in Twilight Highlands and walked away without a scratch.
GARONA: Killed Cho’gall. The first time.
GARROSH: Dueled Thrall to a standstill.
GARONA: Fucked Medivh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay! Okay! I’m sorry!
GARROSH: That’s better. So anyway, was there a point to all this?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Oh… Well, I guess I was just wondering if I could have your autographs.
GARROSH: Our…autographs.
GARONA: I don’t know, would you really want the autographs of a couple of lame online gamers?
JOHNNY AWESOME: I know, look, I’m sorry. It’s just, you’re both heroes of the Horde, and…you know…that’s what I’m aspiring to, too, so…
GARROSH: Okay, okay, fine… <scribbles on paper>
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, and I guess I was also wondering, since I like to think I’m a rising star in the Horde, really one of your secret weapons when you come right down to it, even if I guess you haven’t heard of me yet, which really doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, but whatever, but I was just thinking—
GARROSH: Get to the point, please, Tirion.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, I was just wondering if you had any missions you might need me to carry out for you.
GARROSH: Missions.
JOHNNY AWESOME: I mean I know there are lots of people scattered around Horde settlements who need help with different things, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to help out where I can, but it just seems to me that my talents could be better used by, you know, performing key duties on behalf of the Warchief.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: So…are there any missions you need carried out? Or places you feel I could be of particular help?
GARROSH: Um…okay…
GARONA: Time to get into character.
GARROSH: Yeah. <deep breath> Lok’tar, noble blood elf, tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar—
JOHNNY AWESOME: Wait, didn’t you just say you haven’t heard—
GARROSH: Just fucking roll with it, okay, dude? Seriously.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay. Yes, sir.
GARROSH: Tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar, and rest assured they have not escaped the notice of your Warchief. If you wish to truly serve the Horde, your considerable powers could be used in Thousand Needles, or, um, Tanaris. The choice is yours. Remember, Hellscream’s eyes are always upon you!
JOHNNY AWESOME: Yes sir! I won’t let you down, sir!
Johnny Awesome races off, never, one can only hope, to be heard from again.
GARROSH: I really fucking hate my job sometimes.
GARONA: Wait, Thousand Needles and Tanaris?
GARROSH: Yeah, what of it?
GARONA: Well…he didn’t look like he’s been doing this for very long. Aren’t those areas pretty dangerous these days?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
GARONA: Isn’t he going to go out there and get eviscerated?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
Wait, so hold on. I had a five-hour strategy session with Garona, and THIS is what Mokvar decided was important enough to post up here? Seriously? THIS is what made the cut?
Either way, though, gotta say again, it’s DAMN impressive that he’s able to get all this stuff transcribed like that. Really, really impressive.
Now pardon me while I go find him and smack him around a little.
[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter ZugZug, used here with permission and many thanks.]
