Tag Archives: helix blackfuse
Monday mailbag
[Running more than a bit behind on getting some Photoshop work done, and I can’t rightly leave everyone hanging for TOO long! So here, let’s let Garrosh dip back into the ol’ mailbag briefly… (And for any timeline/continuity sticklers out there — of which, admittedly, I’m one — let’s say he queued this up just before departing for his current excursion…)]
Okay, people, you know how this works, so let’s get right to it…
Dear Warchief,
I know I have not posted or commented much lately, but I have preferred to sit quietly in the background and focus on the tasks you have set, followed as always by my faithful bodyguard (long story short, my fiance demands I have a bodyguard after some incidents that happened during my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter).
However, Selarcis (of the Sunfires, in case you know of him), my bodyguard, left some… ah.. interesting paperwork lying around.
It appears as though he has been trying to calculate my protection as offered by the formula you provided.
I know the entire calculation was meant to show how the “lack” of armor on a female (or male, for that matter), calculates into nudity factor and to-hit ratio… but I am a Priestess, and therefore I tend to keep myself quite covered. It is rare that I show much more than my midriff and my arms, if that.
Is there some kind of separate calculation for cloth-wearers, or does this formula also work?
I’m sure Selarcis will wind up seeing this, and if he does, I’m sure I’m going to hear the lecture of a lifetime… He’s the engineer, not me (I’m just a simple seamstress and enchantress), but I’m wondering if he’s going about this all wrong.
The answer he came up with was:
∆h=140.1333/3.826 * (87*93)^2
… then there are notes saying Bo and e are “1-100”, and a lot of scribbles, and then, an answer, circled, of 2397732809.
Apart from the questions on how he got my measurements (other than the ones that I use to personally craft robes and dresses for myself), I don’t understand exactly what any of this means.
Again, I’m not an engineer of any kind, and well.. he is.
Again, is this just the calculation for plate-armor, or does this also apply to cloth, leather, and mail?
… What exactly do Bo and e stand for? Where did he get my Nudity Index? (I assume that’s what the St/Sc he has here are for, going back and reading your equation and notes again…) I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t seen me … I mean… as traveling partners and both of us healers, we have no secrets and no modesty around each other… but the numbers.. I just don’t understand where they came from…
Could you shed some light on any of this?
—Briyanna Solari Soleilin
I… oh great. See? See? This is what happens when I try laying some science on you people. I blog one simple little equation that quantifies how distracted a would-be attacker becomes due to leering at the skin you’re blood-elvishly showing off with your choice of non-armor, and somebody just had to go and make it weird. So, okay, here we go.
So, first, these calculations apply to any armor type. Plate, mail, whatever. I’m getting a clothie vibe from you, Briyanna, but I could be wrong. Either way, it doesn’t factor into the equation. The Focus Distortion Field doesn’t care what kind of armor you’re not-wearing so long as you’re, you know, not wearing it. Not wearing plate doesn’t protect you any better than not wearing cloth.
Next, as far as the actual numbers your bodyguard came up with… You’ve got me there. See, I know ABOUT this equation and I understand the basic premise, but I’ve never tried to sit down and crunch actual numbers. Seeing as, you know, I actually have a life and friends and shit. Luckily, though, I just so happen to have access to a dude who DOESN’T have those things so much, and is usually pretty good with this kind of dorky stuff. So let me kick it over to him for a minute. You might know him.
Hey, what’s up? Spazzle here! I wasn’t expecting to get back into a mailbag again so soon, but I guess Garrosh had a technical question from a letter, so…
Um…
Yipes. I’m looking it over now, and, um… this thing’s kind of all over the place. So I mean… Well, you take the Nudity Index part, and he has you down for (140.1333 / 3.826), which is supposed to be the ratio of total body surface area to surface area concealed, and… I mean, I’m not even sure how you could have landed a 3.826 for your coverage. That’s really low. Like low even for AQ trash drops kind of low. Are you really walking around wearing… um…? Yikes. Or… well, I guess it could be thrown off depending on what units of measurement he was using… see, the formula was originally designed to work with square inches, although there’s also a variation that adjusts for a base-10 system of measurements, but you can end up with a few wonky problems depending on how many decimal places of accuracy you want. But then if your guy there got a wild hair up his keister and decided to try doing this with the Zinkowski system, hoo boy, because now you’ve got to account for four-dimensional permutations over a continuum, which gives you a wider scope of coverage but introduces a whole quantum aspect to the whole thing. And so if he’s going that then I can see why your denominator is trending toward pi, because…
I’d just like to step in here and point out that, faced with an almost-naked blood elf, dude here is zeroed in on algebra or whatever.
Nerd.
Hey, you asked me to field this one!
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Well, the point is that I’m not sure what’s going on with those first couple of figures… but the real mystery is the Bo2 and es values, because he has to be doing something wonky with those. There’s no way the BOOTEE-squared value should be that big. Like… the notes she mentioned about the Bo2 and es being based on a 1-100 range would give a result that’s orders of magnitude off from what it should be, seeing as those figures are supposed to be built on a limit of 10 with logarithmic curvature… So I don’t know, maybe he’s deliberately way way overshooting Eugene’s limit as a way to convey how exponentially gorgeous she is, even beyond computational laws? That’s the best I can do on that one…
Yeah, so, I guess this is the part where I answer that part of your question, Briyanna. Because, see, Bo2 — “body observational optimality” — and es — “exhibitional enticement” — are pretty much measures of, well, hotness. You know that old saying, “Flaunt it if you’ve got it?” Well, think of those two as a measure of how much you’ve got it and how well you flaunt it. So apparently your guy there has you rated as an 87 and 93 on those accounts. Which, like Pea Pod was saying, goes way beyond the normal values of Bo2 and es, so either you bodyguard has decided that on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a fucking 87, or someone gave him some REALLY bad intel on how this calculation works. Either that, or he’s kind of not too bright. At all. Even remotely. Like we’d have to be talking Dontrag-and-Utvochically severe levels of not smart. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
But that kind of brings us to your other question, about how he got your Nudity Index. Because like Spazzle was saying, he worked that out based on actual NUMBERS that measure your total “surface area” — translation: every last literal inch of your body — and how much of that surface area you actually keep covered up. Which apparently isn’t a whole lot. So, you know, go you. Point is, though, he had those figures down to a VERY high level of accuracy, which means he had to be making some VERY detailed measurements of your, um, measurements. And so when you combine the EXTREMELY close attention he’s been paying to your bod — unknown to you, apparently — with the crazy inflated hotness scores he’s been giving you for this thing, well, what I’m telling you, Briyanna, is it looks like your “bodyguard” wants to be doing more with your body than guarding.
So, maybe this is a surprise to you, since your letter kind of gives me the sense that he hasn’t done anything to let on that he’s been checking you out. Which, I mean, I don’t really know what to tell you about that, seeing as I don’t have a whole lot of experience with having my eyes on a woman but not being able to pull the trigger and DO something about it. Usually I barely need to do anything myself, because, you know, #TheLadiesLoveGarrosh. Luckily, though, I just so happen to have access to a dude who DOES probably have a fair amount of expertise in being all awkward and dateless and just hovering around in the background when there’s a girl he likes and whoa-is-me’ing about how she never picks up on any of the clear signals he’s not at all sending in lieu of coming right out and doing something, so let me kick it over to him for a minute.
…
Um. That means you’re up again, dude.
Wait, that was supposed to be me?
Who the hell else would I have been talking about?
Geez, boss, way to make me look good…
Hey, look, you are what you are.
True enough, Warchief, though I would hasten to point out that, in light of current events, you might do well not to alienate all of your remaining supporters.
Wait, what the hell? Oh, don’t fucking tell me…
Yes indeed, Warchief, it is I, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner. I try as best I can to keep an eye on the goings-on on your ever-entertaining and oft-illuminating blog, and in this instance I felt compelled to step in and offer constructive comment.
By hacking into the blog. Again.
Not something that should surprise you, given that, as you rightly point out, this is hardly my first virtual visit, as it were.
Even though my supposed tech expert said he’d changed the password and locked the site down.
Oh man, here we go again…
Oh, was I supposed to be maintaining the pretense that I’d been locked out? I must have lost track of that. Silly me.
You know, I really want to know how you became such an expert in hacking. The firewall I set up was no joke.
You would be amazed by the skills one acquires when one no longer needs to lose several hours daily to the need for sleep.
You mean like what happens with Rook when she’s had six or seven gallons of Starbulls in one sitting?
I’m not sure I know who that is, Warchief.
One of his trainees, I think.
Oh. Is that the orc boy you’ve mentioned? I do recall there being a protege of sorts of whom you appeared to have grown rather fond.
No, that’s Gurtash. I was talking about… you know what? Never mind.
If you wish, sir. In any case, in this particular instance, I can’t claim to have hacked into the blog quite the same way as I have in the past.
How the hell are you here, then?
There’s an app for it.
The what you say?
Oh man. I can already tell this is going to be bad…
An app. For my Eye Pad of Kilrogg. A handy little device, I must say. You might consider picking one up for yourself, Warchief, for those times when you’re not in your throne room.
Uh… yeah.
It really does come in handy, boss, I have to say.
Oh for fuck’s sake, ANOTHER one?
Oh, hey, is that you, Mokvar?
Yeah, it’s me. Hey Spaz.
Ah, a pleasure to see you, Mokvar, albeit digitally. I trust the Eye Pad is working well?
Yeah, it’s been great so far.
Holy crap, Mok, you’re actually stepping up your tech into the Third Age?
Don’t you start. But yeah, it’s turning out to be a lot handier than I would have figured.
So hang on, you mean Sylvanas hooked you up with one of these… whatever-the-fuck-they-are’s, and now I’ve got YOU sticking your nose into the blog editor with it TOO?
Well, to be fair, boss, I did already have access. Remember you had Spazzle set me up to post my own entries.
Oh, yeah, I forgot how you do that sometimes.
You’re still not reading what we write, huh?
You mean you write stuff, too?
Asked and answered, Spaz.
Your capacity to cultivate loyalty among your followers truly does inspire, Warchief. Little wonder you enjoy such unanimous support among the Horde leadership.
Said the woman who’s HACKING INTO MY BLOG with an APP that’s apparently ready-made to let her do that, and who the hell even puts something like that together, anyway?
I’m not sure who coded it, though it seems like something that would be a goblin endeavor.
Hey, racist much? Whose side are you on?!
What a curious question for you to pose, Spazzle, considering.
Oh felgercarb, ixnay on the onflicted-loyalty-cay!
Is that some kind of goblin lingo or something?
Still better than when he starts writing in binary.
Wow, he really does that? He needs to get out more.
Oh, geez, thanks.
UM.
Well, hey, Spaz, you… wait a minute.
Well this is curious.
WAIT A MINUTE INDEED.
Hey, Pops. Try not to blow a gasket or something.
Oh for fuck’s sake. YOU TOO?
Oh boy… this is just setting up more and more work for me…
Don’t act all weirded out, Pops. You’re the one who kept trying to get me to take an interest in your dorky blog.
Yeah well I didn’t think you were going to join the goddamn HACK PARADE.
Is that who I think it is?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
Shayari?
The one and only!
I don’t fucking believe this shit.
Oh, my, this is the daughter I’ve heard so much about? I haven’t had the pleasure.
Hey, nice to meet you. Who are you again?
Can we maybe focus a little less on social hour and a little more on HOW THE HELL EVERYONE IS GETTING INTO MY BLOG TODAY
Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, at your service. Shayari, isn’t it?
Yep, that’s me.
And you hush, Pops.
WHAT THE
…
Well well, she is a little firecracker, isn’t she?
And I had no idea you fancied such colorful terms of endearment, Warchief. “Pops” indeed!
Oh don’t YOU start too, Sylvanas.
Oh, hush now, Pops.
I mean Warchief.
…
*giggle*
^_^
I think I’m going to maybe log off and step a safe distance away from the pad.
Yeah, I might follow your lead there, Mok.
OH NO YOU DON’T, Pea Pod. You’re keeping your ass right here until you fix the damn blog so EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKER UNDER THE SUN can’t just stick their nose in at will!
Right, boss. On it.
Strictly speaking, Garrosh, I’m more underground than under the sun.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WELL MEAN, LIVING DEAD GIRL
At any rate, Shayari, I assume you’ve picked up the Crowbar app as well?
Yup, I downloaded it after Pops had me fielding his mail that time.
Wait, what the hell are you even USING it on?
An Eye Pad of Kilrogg, of course. Duh, Pops.
Yes, Garrosh, duh.
Oh, actually, Shay — may I call you Shay? — if you have one of our delightful little tablets, does that mean you’ve been to my humble Undercity?
Oh, yeah, I port over all the time for mage lessons with Eddie.
With whom?
Faranell.
Oh. My, you do have a way of referring to people, don’t you?
I’m quite surprised, though. I had no idea the good doctor had any such extracurricular activities.
Actually, our activities are very curricular. Like literally.
I’m kind of surprised he volunteered for that job.
I think Liadrin talked him into it.
That must be why he approaches the job with such effusive enthusiasm, yeah.
Well, I don’t know how well the good doctor has been teaching you magic, Shayari, but I dare say you appear to have picked up his distinctive sarcasm.
Yeah, well, he better be getting the job done for what I’m paying him.
Oh, no, I pretty much had that going all along. The sarcasm, I mean.
Wait, you’re paying Edwin for this?
Sounds like an abomination to you, too, huh?
Oh, no, Warchief, I can say with some authority that abominations sound a fair bit different.
Well, maybe not that bad, but I just figured you would have treated an assignment like this as just one more part of his regular job.
Well, yeah, he DOES pretty much work for me anyway.
Strictly speaking, dear Warchief, I must say I believe I have the more immediate claim to the good doctor’s work hours.
Other than the part where I outrank you.
Well, yes, for the time being. You never know, though — I’m quite ambitious, and politics can be such a fickle affair!
Yeah, well, I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting to be Warchief.
I can’t imagine why not. Being as I am undead, I can hold my breath for an extraordinarily long time. Say, another two or three years?
Can we get back to the small matter of fucking EVERYONE I KNOW HACKING INTO MY GODDAMN BLOG?
I know, I know, I’m working on it…
Really, Pops, the app’s right there for anyone to grab from the Sunfruit store. It’s not our fault you’re only finding out about this now. Don’t blame the messenger.
She clearly hasn’t noticed the pile of dead messengers out behind the hold…
Oh for frak’s sake!
What?
Oh geez, you’re not going to believe this.
Uh oh.
Can you wait just a moment before saying it, Spazzle? For some reason I feel an urge to heat up some popcorn.
Oh, hey, good call. One popcorn pyroblast incoming…
Yeah, so…
Will you just fucking SPIT IT OUT already?
Don’t let him rush you, Spazzle. Popcorn’s almost done.
And YOU stay out of this!
^_^
So, okay, I just did a little digging on that Crowbar app. And it turns out, well… “Published by Blackfuse Software Division.”
…
Hoo boy.
!!!
Was that supposed to mean something to us?
Shh. I want to see if he does question marks next.
WHAT
THE LITERAL
FUCK
Not for anything, chief, but I told you that guy was nothing but trouble.
Fucking hell, how many more supposed ALLIES am I going to have fucking SCREWING ME OVER behind my BACK?!
Would “five” be too suspiciously specific?
What’s going on?
Helix Blackfuse is a contractor Garrosh hired.
Oh. Okay, so this is one of those boring office things.
I think I can file a complaint with Sunfruit to get the app pulled down, chief. I’ll have to change all the security settings, but it should limit the damage.
Hopefully.
Yeah, you do that. In the meantime, Mokvar, get your shit together, we’re paying Blackfuse a little visit.
On it, boss.
And see if you can grab Gurtash on the way over. He should be running drills out by the west rampart with the other trainees.
Won’t that be a little overkill?
No, I think there’s going to be exactly the right amount of kill.
If you say so, boss. You really think you’re going to need a transcript and a comic done, though?
I’m not bringing Gurtash to do a comic. I just want someone there with some artistic ability to draw the chalk outline.
Hey, uh, Dark Lady, would you happen to have any of that popcorn left?
Got it, boss.
Okay. We’ve got some ANNOYING AS ALWAYS BECAUSE WELCOME TO MY LIFE work to do.
Have fun, Pops.
Yeah, well, that means you people all need to be logging off of here. Or wait for Pea Pod to lock you out again. Whichever.
It’s adorable that you think so, I must say, sir.
JUST GET OFF OF HERE, for fuck’s sake.
If you say so, Pops. I should go over a few incantations anyway.
Speaking of which, Shay, the next time you’re in the Undercity, you simply must drop by the Royal Quarter. It would be a great pleasure to meet our esteemed Warchief’s next of kin in person.
Heading out now, boss. I’ll meet you in the war room.
Sure, I guess. I’m there a bunch of times every week.
Splendid. Apropos of nothing, by the way, what are your feelings on eternal youth?
Okay, people, let’s move it.
Well, I feel like, seeing as I’m half draenei, I’ve pretty much already got that covered.
I see you’ve inherited your father’s charming naivete.
MOVE IT, I said.
Ugh. Dammit, Spazzle, just pull the plug on everyone.
On it, chief.
There, that should do it. All the guest logins should be terminated. Nobody left except the admin accounts.
Sorry about all of this, chief. I’ll get it all locked down for serious this afternoon.
Chief?
Anybody home?
Garrosh?
Oh geez. Did I just… Hang on…
Oh frak.
<sigh> I’m gonna pay for this one tomorrow morning, I just know it.
Oh well. I guess… um… bye, everyone. Talk to you all soon, I guess?
Indeed. Talk to you all soon. ~_^
Monday mailbag
You know, for once I’m glad I put off checking on the latest batch of mail. The way it ended up working out, I just had a bunch of it piled up waiting for attention. (NOT UNLIKE MY GROUPIES, but that’s a story for another day) just in time for the trip back to Pandaria. So, the long boat trip wound up giving me the damn time I needed to finally get around to reading your letters and working up some responses. So, let’s get right into it…
I want to complain about your minions, the kind-of-Orc-twins whose names I didn’t care to remember.
I am a Draenei lady and am deeply worried about their fascination for hooves, or hooftishism as they called it. What if they’re starting a trend? It is annoying enough to deal with the butt fetishists, we don’t need people who will try to lick our hooves on top of that.
Please make sure that they don’t organize meetings to share their passion with their fellows. Think that your daughter too could, one day, be harassed by hooftishists.
Archenon poros,
–Celesti.
Okay, so first of all, Celesti, I’m glad you specified the “kind-of-Orc-twins” part, because if you’d left it at “I have complaints about you minions, whose names I didn’t care enough about to remember,” well, number one, that’d be way too broad to narrow down, and number two, guess what, “minions I don’t care enough about to remember their names” pretty much covers how I feel about a large chunk of my payroll, so, you know, there’s that.
So, yeah. Dontrag and Utvoch. Although… okay, this might be yet another example of the “shit I don’t care enough about to pay attention to” corollary, but I seem to remember hearing somewhere along the line that it’s only one of them who has the weird fascination with hooves. Don’t ask me which one, though. Or which one of them that one is.
But yeah. Those two. Or one of those two. Believe me, this complaint you’re registering is way, way down on the list of reasons why I find them damn annoying. It ranks, I’ll grant you that, but it doesn’t even crack the top five reasons I want to smack them in the head sometimes. And by “sometimes,” I mean three times daily, usually just after meals, with two optional time slots for further smacking in the event I’m having an aggravating day. That is, when I’m not tossing their asses overboard.
Speaking of priorities, actually… Not for nothing, but considering you’re a draenei, I would figure that your biggest complaint about a couple of Horde soldiers wouldn’t be the hoof fetish thing nearly as much as the trying-to-kill-you thing. Where the hell did you even run into those two, that the hoof thing even came up?
Wait. Are you telling me that you crossed paths with these jokers, and they got so preoccupied with their unwholesome hoof thing that they forgot about getting down to some wholesome BLOODSHED?
So yeah. Okay. I think that means it’s time for my 2:00 smacking. Except they’re still kind of preoccupied swimming frantically to keep up with the boat. Guess I’ll just have to above deck and throw stuff at them for the time being.
I’ve been kept up to date with Blackfuse’s time as engineer for the Horde. I knew he’d be a big help as long as you could get him under control. With any luck he’ll give you the big badda-boom hardware you need to blast the Alliance back.
Got a sitrep from the Isle of Giants, by the way. Nazgrim’s got me working on finding some more Zandalari tomes that talk about how to tame and use Dinosaurs. The good news is, I’ve found some, and the more intelligent beastmasters have been putting them to good use; the bad news is, they’re very hard to find, so most of our progress has been capturing and packaging baby raptors and Devilsaurs to send back to the Orgrimmar beast pens. The big and mean ones already grown up have been a chore and a half to even talk to without getting munched, but slowly but surely we’re making progress
One last thing: I’ve heard Zandalari whispers of a really big, really mean Devilsaur who puts Oondasta to shame. I think his name was Thok the Bloodthirsty or something like that. Sounds like your kind of dinosaur, sir, if you catch my drift.
Your man on the ground,
–Grottee Metalbeard, Goblin Shaman
Hey Grottee, glad to hear you made it back down to Pandaria without incident. WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME. HE SAID, WHILE TURNING AN ATTENTIVE EAR TOWARD A PORTHOLE TO LISTEN TO THE PLAINTIVE GROANS OF MORONS SWIMMING.
Glad to hear you guys are making progress with the dinos, and that Nazgrim hasn’t gotten any bright ideas about going off script again. Who knows, maybe that jackass red shirt Steve was the only member of Naz’s crew afflicted with that particular level of jackassery, so we’ll have smooth sailing from here on out. HE SAID, AS IF HE HASN’T BEEN WATCHING HIS STAFF OF MENTAL DEFECTIVES GIVE IT THE OL’ COMMUNITY COLLEGE TRY FOR A COUPLE YEARS NOW. Anyhow, as long as things are coming along. At this point I’m just glad we’re making any progress at all, even if it’s slow, considering the way things have been going, I could swear sometimes our fastest speed was reverse.
As for that Oondasta-trumping devilsaur, I think I remember you mentioning something about it once before. I’m pretty sure I included something about it in the notes I left for Nazgrim, but I guess when he decided to run with that cunning plan that led to ol’ shithead Steve’s untimely demise (maybe the one positive to come out of the whole damn affair), his people weren’t able to locate Thog or whatever, so he just went with the devilsaur that was easier to find.
Which raises a question. If this Thunk dino is as big and bad as you’re saying, Grottee, how the hell does it manage to be elusive? I mean, how the fuck does a DEVILSAUR pull off STEALTHY? Is there a goddamn sauropod ROGUE TRAINER down there teaching them to go WHOOSH WHOOSH MOSTLY TRANSPARENT? Do they, like, hold a piece of a shrub in front of themselves in their doofy little front claws with a fucking sign that says “Just a shrub, move along, citizen”? Hell, it’s not even like the Isle of Giants is a big place, from what they tell me — there couldn’t be THAT many places to hide. How the hell does this motherfucker manage to fucking ELUDE everyone?!
My apologies for the difficulties with Golmash last week. I’m afraid his behaviour caught even me off-guard. I was afraid that wolf would be the death of me, but instead it seems he was the death of one of your beastmasters.
At any rate, since his dramatic departure from my pens, I have been having strange and frightening dreams. In them, I am standing at the entrance to my home on a dark night, when a horrifying sight appears before me – a ghostly orc, his face twisted and scarred, his eyes glowing with terrible power. I hear him speaking to me in a ghastly, croaky voice, but I have no idea what he is saying. His words sound like Orcish, but mean nothing to me. The only thing that clearly comes across is that he is angry, as he grabs me by the shirt and shakes me while screaming in his unknown tongue.
I have no idea what is causing these dreams or what they mean, but they are connected to Golmash somehow. I just know it. Whatever comes of this, Warchief, I only hope it happens quickly, for these dreams are stripping my nights of much-needed sleep.
Your humble servant,
–Ogunaro Wolfrunner, Kennel Master
Hey Ogunaro. Good to hear from you. Even if you’re… you know… dealing with… well… this thing. And… well… um… you know what, O? I’m going to ask you to do me a favor here and just skip the next paragraph. I just remembered I, um, I need to insert some stuff that I meant to include in a previous letter and I, uh, I can’t just scroll up and insert while I’m typing this… um… well, because… because, oh come on, you know me and computers, right? I can’t even remember where the damn delete key is, and here I am on a boat without Spazzle around to fix this crap for me, oh woe is me, and ANYWAY that’s not even the point, the point is, see, that this extra stuff I need to insert has nothing to do with you but I really need to get it written down before I forget, because scatterbrained me, oops, you know how it goes, but I don’t want to bother you with it ’cause I know you already have enough on your plate what with, you know, the thing. So just do me a solid and skip that next paragraph so I don’t need to worry about you, and pick up again right AFTER that, right where it says “MELLIFLUOUS.” So there. Go to it. Skip starting… now.
Okay. So you guys, we need to talk. I didn’t want O listening in on this, because, you know, we — like the you and me “we,” not the Ogunaro and me “we,” and FUCK YOU PRONOUN AMBIGUITY — we have a history, and we’re cool and shit, but I don’t even know what dude’s deal is, you know? And you probably already know where I’m going with this, right? Because I’m starting to get that vibe that our buddy Ogunaro, I mean I like him all and I appreciate the work he does, but I’m starting to get the feeling like he’s one of THOSE guys. You know how I mean? Those guys where there’s ALWAYS fucking SOMETHING, like one goddamn thing after another and after a while you can’t even tell where the real crises are because EVERYTHING gets the ol’ emergency blinker cranked up to fucking eleven. Is it just me? It’s his whole goddamn family, too, near as I can tell. Well, the alive ones, anyway. But who can even say for sure on that one, either, because necromancy, motherfucker. Fingers crossed. So anyway, I just had to say something to you guys because we have a thing, but I’m for real not going to know what to do with this dude if this shit keeps up. Okay. That’s it. Don’t say anything to him. Sshh, here he comes.
MELLIFLUOUS. Which is a goddamn awesome word, by the way. Try it out sometime. And if you get a chance to have Nazgrim say it, you totally have to. He knows how to sell that shit, man. Anyway. Welcome back, O. See, wasn’t that a lot faster and easier and less insulting than having to wade through a bunch of other stuff that you definitely weren’t interested in? Hot damn, good thing I wrote it all down before I forgot, hell I don’t even remember what it was NOW. GOT IN THERE JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME, O. THAT WAS A FUCKING CLOSE ONE.
Anyhow, yeah, O, that’s some freaky shit in that dream. I can’t say I’m much of an expert in making sense of what dreams mean, though. Maybe there’s something to this dream with the ghostly visitor, maybe it’s got something to do with Golmash, maybe not. If it has something to do with the wolf, we’ll figure it out, especially now that we’ve got him secured and under close observation. If not… well, we’ll see. It might be worth getting some feedback from a shaman or two, just the same. And for the time being, just to make sure you can get a little sleep without going bonkers, maybe it’s a good idea to see if you can get something from an apothecary to help you sleep a little deeper. Just don’t take anything from an apothecary with a recently refurbished jaw who’s really sarcastic all the time, because trust me, there’s no telling what he might have slipped into that shit.
I am researching the cultures of the Horde, especially naming customs. Most of the Forsaken kept the human names we were born with. A few decided to adopt new names but most of those were pretty grimdark and silly. The less said about them the better.
What naming customs do the Orcs have? Are family names passed through the father? the mother? Does you’re name mean something?
Curiously yours –
–Ickabod Pimlen, The Undercity.
Thanks for writing, Ickabod. Although, whew. “Ickabod Pimlen.” Not to be shitty to you right out the gate, Ickabod, but as long as there was already a thing going where some of the Forsaken picked a new name for themselves, I mean, maybe you should have looked into that. “Pimlen” was already not exactly a winner of a last name, but your parents really decided to top that off by naming you “Ickabod” to boot? Seriously? Yeesh, and people call ME a war criminal…
Anyway, now for your question, Ickabod. Naming customs aren’t consistent across the whole orcish race — like most of our customs and traditions naming varies with the individual clans. For instance, some clans, like the Frostwolves, rarely take on surnames. The Thunderlord clan usually does, on the other hand, and they pass those along generation to generation. Typically, but not always, patrilineally. (THAT’S RIGHT, PATRILINEALLY, MOTHERFUCKER, STOP LOOKING SURPRISED THAT I KNOW FUCKING WORDS.)
With some clans, though, last names are given in recognition of some sort of accomplishment. That’s how it works in the Warsong clan, for instance. My grandfather, Golmash (we’ve been hearing that name a lot lately, huh?), gained the name Hellscream for the battle cry he brought into a long string of victorious battles, and he passed that name on to Grommash, who passed it on to me.
Only, there’s a catch — see, in clans that use these names as a kind of honorific, there can only be one person at a time using it. So back when Golmash was alive, you wouldn’t talk about Golmash Hellscream AND Grom Hellscream. There can only be one Hellscream. That was Golmash, until he died. After that, his oldest child (in this case, his only child) could take on the name. I didn’t start using the full name until after I found out about Grom’s death — if you ran into me in Nagrand back in the day (and for your sake I hope you didn’t, because hoo boy was I an emo piece of work back then), I was just going by Garrosh.
Same thing for the Blackrock clan, by the way. Rend Blackhand was just plain ol’ Rend until daddy Blackhand (did dude ever actually have a NAME name, by the way?) bought it, just like Orgrim Doomhammer didn’t become Doomhammer until after his father Telkar died. Ditto for the Saurfangs, by the way, even though that one got a little muddier. See, while Dranosh was growing up with me in Nagrand, no one really knew what had become of Varok, but it was a pretty wide-held idea that he’d probably died. Dranosh wasn’t really sure what to believe, but he wanted to honor the family name… but he also wasn’t really sure if his old man had actually joined the ancestors. So he kind of half-wayed it and started calling himself “Saurfang the Younger.” After the family got reunited a few years back, we just kind of kept calling them both Saurfang in one way or another, just out of habit. Moot point now, I know.
Oh and since you asked, my name means “warrior’s heart” in orcish. (I won’t offer to explain what “Dranosh” means, though, because fuck it, I’m pretty sure we’ve all been over that enough times already.)
So THERE. I bet that’s more about orcish names than you ever wanted to know. EXCEPT FOR ICKABOD, WHO ASKED ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO IF YOU’RE GONNA COMPLAIN TO ANYBODY, DO IT WITH HIM, DAMMIT.
I apologize for not finding the Command Board sooner, as you know I actually found it by accident. After talking with some friends I found out that they didn’t know about it either. Then I went to Orgrimar to see if I could find an Advertising Department. Unfortunately the guards that seem to know everything, except if something is on level one or two, did not know of this department.
Because of this I volunteer to be your Advertising Department. Here is the first line of merchandise that I came up with: Tabards. Most people wear them, especially those “adventurers” and we know that they will pay near anything if it looks cool. The other day I saw one buy a baby raptor for 100000 gold. Luckily there are less insane groups we can market to as well, shop keepers and flight masters will wear them as well as many military groups, Liadrin has all of us Blood Knights wear ours at all times.
But I can hear many people saying what will be on these tabards. Good thing I thought of that. So far I have ideas for three tabards all with the Warcheif’s Command Board on the back. First we have “Buy our shit, OR BE CRUSHED BENEATH IT!” with a picture of an orc buried under a ton of merchandise. Then there is “Fuck You Varian”, self explanitory. And finally EPIC VERSE with many of your epic verses all over the tabard.
Unfortunately I don’t have an artistic bone in my body and I haven’t found anyone that does so I can’t give you any visuals of the tabards. If you give me the go ahead on this I can get to work on new techniques by next month.
–Glen Bloodblade
Hey, Glen, glad to hear from you again. So, I’m going to excuse you for not following the blog until recently, even though we both know you already should have been following the blog before you found it accidentally. In fact, what the hell is this “accidentally” shit? You should have found it DELIBERATELY, as a result of PURPOSEFULLY SEARCHING for a blog you didn’t know existed. Because you could feel it in your bones, Glen. You could feel it in your bones.
Anyway, I’m going to let that slide. Just don’t do it again. Yes, I just told you not to not find the blog that you’re currently reading, again, which might sound like a weird thing to warn someone not to do, until you stop for a second to consider the crazy-ass world we live in, because FUCKING TIME TRAVEL. All I’m gonna tell you, Glen, is if you see any bronze dragons coming your way, or maybe a blood elf lady in a bikini dress, well, you just get ready to think fast is all I’m going to say.
Anyhow. You know, Glen, you might be on to something. After your last letter, I did some checking around, and the fact of the matter is that we don’t have a department in charge of publicity or advertising or whatever. Which I guess makes sense, since it turns out that the Kor’kron aren’t exactly in the habit of making public announcements about what they’re doing. At least not if they know what’s good for them.
Now, to tell you the truth, I hadn’t really given a lot of thought to advertising the blog. I mean, I always figured people would just find their way to the blog however people do shit like that on the internet. And I remember having a conversation with Faranell once about it maybe going viral. Although, looking back on it now, considering it WAS Faranell, I think I might have severely misunderstood what he was meant. I maybe shouldn’t think about that too much.
But back to your real point. You may be right — it might be a good idea to come up with ways to drive some more traffic to the blog. And here’s the thing — your tabard idea could actually be even more of a winner than you realize, because check it out, it opens the door not only for ADVERTISING, but also… MERCHANDISING. Tabards sound like a great way to start, and they’ll sure as hell get the word around, but who knows how much other stuff we could get into. Hell, even just with the tabards, if we produce a bunch of different versions, do you REALIZE how many compulsive collectors are out there who will go fucking NUTS trying to hunt down every last variation? Dude, I’ve seen it myself — people burning up hours of time and mountains of gold to try to land themselves, say, a scorpid pet that’s a SLIGHTLY different color than the seven scorpid pets they ALREADY FRIGGING HAVE. I can only imagine what some of them would do for the RARE CHASE VARIANT of the Garrosh blog tabard. Wait, did I say “rare”? FUCK THAT SHIT — EPIC!
So, yeah, HELL YEAH, run with this idea, Glen. You have some ideas, go for it, man. And hey, for that matter, I know you said you haven’t got any artistic skills, but AS IT HAPPENS, I may just have an in with some people who DO. Not just in-house, either, if you were thinking of Gurtash — WHO YOU WOULD BE RIGHT TO THINK. OF. — but even among the ranks of my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS. I’ll bet you anything that there are people among the CLEARLY TALENTED AND DISCRIMINATING CROWD that reads the Warchief’s Command Board who would be ONLY TOO HAPPY to offer their own artsy-fartsy designs for WCB tabards. ESPECIALLY WHEN I ORDER THEM TO AND REMIND THEM THAT I HAVE A TECH GOBLIN HACKER WHO’S ABLE TO TRACE IP’S. WHICH I TOTALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE BUT HE DOES AND THAT’S WHAT COUNTS, OKAY?
And on that note, I think it’s time to wrap it up for this mailbag. Keep those letters coming as always. For next time, though, since I’m going to be pretty swamped with stuff in Pandaria, I managed to convince Shayari to hold down the fort again for the next mailbag. So, write in to her, or still write in to me for the next time I’m able to field your letters myself. Either way, write SOMETHING. Ideally MULTIPLE somethings. I WILL BE TAKING DOCUMENTARY ATTENDANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS.
More soon.
[PROGRAMMING NOTE: As you can tell from Garrosh’s announcement, the next mailbag will be a guest mailbag with Shayari. However, I also wanted to announce that I’ve decided to take a short break at the end of the month that will affect the upcoming mailbag schedule. As many of you will remember, the last few years I’ve taken a blogging break late in the summer due to a busy work schedule; this year, I’ve decided to move that hiatus up to earlier in the summer and use some of that time to get material in the pipeline.
So, blog hijinks will continue as usual through the end of May, then we’ll be off for a few weeks. Then, on July 11 (since the first Monday in July this year is a holiday, I figured there was no harm in pushing it back for one more week), we’ll be back with Shayari’s guest mailbag, and from there we’ll be off and running.
As always, thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, and contributing!]
Spazzle Speaks: Subcontracting
Hey, what’s up?
I’ve been working as kind of a go-between lately for Garrosh with Boss Mida. After Garrosh found out that Gazlowe had, uh, maybe cut a corner or two on some parts of the Orgrimmar reconstruction job, he decided he wanted to have some work done on certain parts of the city while he’s away in Pandaria. At first I thought that meant he wanted to cut a deal with Boss Mida to flat-out hire the Bilgewater Cartel for a major construction contract, and man oh man would that have meant a major finder’s fee for me. Just in time for the new Earth Online expansion preorder, too.
That wasn’t what Garrosh had in mind, though. Instead, I guess he had some new plans lined up with Helix Blackfuse to reinforce parts of Orgrimmar and add battlements or some extra defenses outside… I’m really not that clear on all the details. I think when Garrosh was trying to explain the cogs and sprockets, I was a little preoccupied with trying to make the point that getting in deeper with Blackfuse was a bad idea because the guy’s just crazy. (And honestly, I come from a whole mad scientist culture — my uncle’s middle name is Kaboom, for goodness’ sake! When I think someone’s crazy, it should really mean something!) Garrosh wasn’t hearing it, though, but then again he never listened any other time I tried giving him a heads-up on Blackfuse. So I ended up needing to be sort of a liaison between Garrosh and Boss Mida. It turns out that Blackfuse’s construction is going to call for more labor than Crazy McBoomBoom usually has on staff, so Garrosh wanted to hire some of the Bilgewater Cartel for part of the job.
I guess that’s fine. It’s not like Boss Mida’s never worked out a subcontracting deal. I just get nervous whenever that Blackfuse guy gets involved. He’s not even from our cartel, and we still know his reputation. And when you’re unstable enough for goblins to talk out of school about you, you know you really must be doing something. We usually just take things with a grain of salt and stay pretty quiet about them. You know. What happens in Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace stays in Gallywix’s Pleasure Palace.
Anyway, Garrosh and Mida got an agreement worked out. They’re going to start work any day now, and I think they’re hoping to have things mostly finished by the time Garrosh gets back again. I just wish You-Know-Who wasn’t involved. Mostly for the crazy thing, yeah, but partly because without him it would probably be a bigger contract, and, you know, finder’s fee.
Oh well. I’m sure I’ll still be able to scrape together a little extra money by the time the EO expansion comes out. It’s not like they don’t take their dang time getting those things released.
Even when they raise the price.
And end up cutting a whole raid tier from the Land Down Under expansion. I mean it’s not like anyone really wanted to see Tasmania, like they said they were going to patch in, right? Nope, not me.
It’s all good. It’s… uh… yeah.
Faster expansions my keister. GG, Genesis.
#500 GIANT-SIZED (not really) ANNIVERSARY (kind of) SPECIAL
Okay, people, I know we’ve got a hell of a lot going on these days on a whole bunch of fronts, but let’s get our damn priorities straight and take a moment to APPRECIATE THE GODDAMN AWESOMENESS OF ME.
Why, you ask? AS IF YOU NEED A REASON. But okay, fine, be that way. Even though you should already be in a constant state of awe over your Warchief, today marks an EXTRA SPECIAL awesome, awe-inspiring, awful… wait. I think I just took a wrong turn there.
…
IT’S A SPECIAL GODDAMN OCCASION IS WHAT I’M SAYING.
Reason being, the post you see before you marks the 500th BLOG POST here on the Warchief’s Command Board. That’s right, bitches, 500 posts — that’s FIVE ZERO ZERO. Go ahead and count ’em. I KNOW YOU WON’T.
But that’s where we are, people — 500 installments of EVERYBODY’S FAVORITE BLOG EVER. And riddle me this: have you read them all?
Yeah, me neither.
I mean, there were a bunch in there by guest posters like Spazzle and Mokvar, and I like those guys and everything, but not enough to actually give a shit about what they have to say about… like… anything. But whatever — like trees falling in the forest with no one there to hear them, those guests posts still… um… make a… sound when they…crash the server and… um… that is…
OKAY, THAT ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME A LITTLE, TOO. I MAY OR MAY NOT BE WORKING ON A COUPLE DRINKS, OKAY, SO STFU.
Anyhow. I’d like to thank all my loyal readers, and say that I couldn’t have done it without you. I’d LIKE to say that, but I can’t, because I totally could have. Let’s be real, scrubs, I’m the awesome one here, not you. THERE’S A REASON WHY YOU’RE READING MY BLOG AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, NOW ISN’T THERE?
But still, the occasion calls for something special, so in keeping with this month’s theme — I DO have a Poetry Challenge in progress, after all — I figured I’d take a look back at a 500-stack of EPIC the only proper way EPIC gets done:
That “LOK’TAR OGAR!” that I blogged for a starter;
I met D&U, but my wyvern’s way smarter;
Krom’gar dropped a bomb, but I dropped his ass harder;
EO gaming, “why fly” malaprop.
Twilights on a mission for that Cho’gall demon;
Ogres versus Grimtotem, and Magatha schemin’;
Johnny Awesome, beat it; Garona, keep dreamin’;
Saurfang took a turn watching the shop.
That time I went AWOL, then I was recovered;
Grabby Mylune hugged me till I damn near smothered;
Garadar reunion with my long-lost mother;
Year one challenge, rhymes of locks in socks.
Mom was just a cruel trick Magatha unraveled;
Trouble for Forsaken; Tirion’s endless babble;
Head to old Southshore thanks to FUCKING TIME TRAVEL;
Human Faranell’s a paradox.
Psycho!Mylune rampaged, eyes more wild than dewy;
Edwin fucked the past up; all the timelines went screwy;
We straightened them out; Theramore went kablooey;
Went to Karazhan to spin some tunes.
Pandas showed up teaching how anger is managed;
Got myself some trainees: DPS advantage;
Someone ganked Mokvar; he ankhed and wound up bandaged;
Rolled up on Pandaria with my goons.
Gurtash started drawing; Vol’jin stopped his breathing;
Cloudfall spoke of destiny and got me near believing;
Mokvar met Magatha, that one had me seething;
He went off the grid — he’d best run far.
Lor’the’whatsit’s bitching still; I got pounced by Tak;
Snagged the Divine Bell; that’s when Jaina blew her stack;
DPS got lost, but I (mostly) got them back;
Meet my daughter, Shay. (Have a cigar.)
Shay’s mage class was hard, her sucker punch was hardest;
Mokvar reappeared with green fire from the Black Harvest;
Gurtash got blindsided, we were down an artist;
Made an offer Blackfuse can’t refuse.
Green-eyed wolf named Golmash acting pretty fishy;
Gurtash still needs training not to be so squishy;
Utvoch got promoted, but I kinda wish he
And Dontrag weren’t always so confused.
EPIC VERSE and lemon squares, endless reader mail;
Ruekie getting ruekied; eternal minion fail;
Mortimer’s a badass; Shayari’s hunting sales;
Earth Online guild chat is always strange.
FYV; #LadiesLoveMe, ’cause they’re not slumming;
Trolls are always trolling, dumbasses are dumbing;
500 down so far, a thousand more coming!
Okay, maybe. Times could always change.
EPIC VERSE!
Keep checking in, people. The EPIC DROPS are only just warming up.
LOK’TAR!
Monday mailbag
Quite a bit of mail this time around, so no sense wasting time — let’s get right to it…
I just finished reading your blog from the beginning, which took me a couple of weeks. I was actually looking for a picture of Liadrin, NOT IN THE GURTASH WAY. It was then that I found a comic drawn by Gurtash that had Liadrin in it, specifically the one where we met Shayari, and I thought Garrosh’s daughter WHAT?! And that led to a lot of reading in my free time.
Why was I looking for Liadrin you ask? I make hero concepts for Heroes of the Maelstorm and wanted to add a picture to my post.
So my question is- have you ever played Heroes of the Maelstrom, it made from the same people as the creators of Earth Online and the concept is you take a bunch of people from there, other games, and our own world (because hey who is more badass than who we have running around). If not I recommend it as a change of pace from EO.
–Glen Bloodblade
So, on the one hand, welcome to the blog, Glen. Thanks for reading. On the other hand, what the fuck took you so long, Glen? I mean seriously. Apparently I have to go have a talk with someone in the publicity department. Do we have a publicity department? I would say we should create one if we don’t already, but knowing my luck, it would be packed with the usual fuckwittery that I constantly have surrounding me, so the publicists would run around “advertising” classified military secrets, while meanwhile I have a frigging ghost town of tumbleweeds turning out for my book signing. Again. And I don’t remember fucking seeing YOU there either, Glen, so don’t think for a second YOU’RE off the hook. You watch your ass, Glen. You watch your ass.
Anyway. I can’t say I’ve tried this Heroes of the Maelstrom thing, Glen. Mostly as a matter of self-preservation, really. I figure, Earth Online already sucks up so damn much of my time, the last thing I need is ANOTHER one of these damn games soaking up my days. So I haven’t really tried any other games. Other than that one time when Garona talked me into trying Second Azeroth for like five minutes, but that came to a screeching halt when I wandered into that region full of decked-out scalies, because fuck that shit. I guess I can’t say Spazzle didn’t try to warn me.
Still, this Heroes of the Maelstrom DOES sound pretty badass. Especially if they’re managing to build this into like an all-star team of characters from real life, Earth Online, and all the offshoot universes that they’ve managed to build into other games. Could be fun. I mean, really, just think of it… who’s gonna turn down the chance to have a big barroom brawl, and roll in with a team of Saurfang, Snake-Eyes, Batman, Chewbacca, and Optimus Prime?
(I’m… suddenly a little worried I was able to rattle all those names off the top of my head. Spirits help me, I’m spending too much time around Spazzle.)
I have another one!
“A space goat came travelling on his ship from afar,”
–Valinora Lightshorn
Hey, Valinora. Thanks for writing, other than the fact that you’re apparently human, which would ordinarily draw a big ol’ FUCK YOU, except for the facts that (A) you had the good sense to recognize an EPIC VERSE asskicking when you saw it, and (2), speaking of EPIC VERSE, you seem to be stepping right into the role of setting up the ol’ masterpieces for me.
So, sure, fine by me. You want to keep giving me these prompts, I’ll keep making with the EPIC. Oh, and this one looks pretty rich, too… you want me to opine lyrically on the voyages of the space goats, huh? Okay, you asked for it. Strap in, bitches.
A space goat came traveling on his ship from afar,
Twas thousands of years since his mission did start;
He thought Oshu’gun was a good place to park,
And he fell from the sky like a star, a burning star…
The space goats were led by their prophet for years;
They’d fled their home planet of Argus in fear.
Old Velen resolved he was going to steer clear
Of his brothers, consumed by the Legion… so off they raced.
They flew to a planet; I cannot say which.
Kil’jaeden pursued; Velen played bait-and-switch.
Collateral damage — I know it’s a bitch,
But the space goats, they’re making their omelettes… so QQ, eggs.
And they QQ’ed, AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
They died at the hands of the Legion, while the drae’s got away.
From planet to planet, for thousands of years,
Old Velen kept bailin’, till he wound up here.
Then — who would’ve guessed it? — the Legion appeared.
And they were the gift that kept giving, so yeah, thanks, drae’s.
And that’s how the space goats wound up in this war,
But buyer beware if you build that rapport:
The first sign of trouble, they’re out the back door,
And they’ll stick you to pick up their mess, another time…
And you’ll QQ, AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
You’ll die at the hands of the Legion, while the drae’s get away.
(You don’t have to hold your breath waiting!)
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
(It’s just a matter of when, not if, believe me!)
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH
(They won’t even share any of that OP tech of theirs or anything!)
AAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAAAAAH AAH AAH AAAAH
(Not even the specs for the buses they’re gonna throw you under!)
You’ll die at the hands of the Legion, while the drae’s get away…
EPIC VERSE!
Once again, glad to see things worked out with Blackfuse. Now, though, I’ve got a little down-time – well, actually, a lot of down time – and could use a job or two to keep me on my toes. You got anything I can do for you?
–Grotee Metalbeard, Goblin Shaman
Huh. Grottee, are you feeling okay? I guess I shouldn’t jinx a good thing, but man, you got in and out of that letter faster than it takes Sarlin to ramble through her greeting.
Not complaining, mind you. Grats on making the short list of people around here who actually fucking LISTEN.
Anyhow, Grottee, since you were my source for that Tome of Dinomancy, which I’m still keeping safe and secure in my quarters where it can be ready to take back to Pandaria with me and safely out of range of any other, um, incendiary cooking experiments by Shayari… um… Where was I going with this? I think that sentence kind of got away from me once I became momentarily consumed with concern about my home possibly burning to the ground over an arcane-powered loaf of bread.
OH. RIGHT. Jobs I can send you on. And I assume you mean ACTUAL jobs that really have a useful purpose, not the random busywork jobs we give out to random noobs to keep them out of everyone’s hair. (You know, kill seven of these, collect six of these, five gold rings, everything but a partridge in a motherfucking pear tree. I have to admit, though, the ones that crack me up the most are the ones where we make people go digging through piles of poop, and the fuckers run right out and do it.)
So since you were my Tome source, Grottee, why don’t you head down to Pandaria and check in with General Nazgrim. Now, mind you, he’s under orders not to move ahead on Operation Dinosaurs Yippee Ki-Yay until I get down there in a week or so, but then, he was ALSO under orders not to move ahead before, and he still saw fit to screw his head squarely up his ass trying to go off the script. And got that lunkhead asshole Steve eaten and shat out by a dino while he was at it. (SPEAKING OF POOP QUESTS.)
Wish I had some good news from the Blackfuse Company, but-ah-I kinda had a weird run in a couple of days ago. Some blond elf kid came an’ bought my entire supply of leftover Face Melters. They just weren’t sellin’, even outta Booty Bay! So, this kid got ’em for a song. No, literally. He sang for ’em. Somethin’ about a dead horse. What was the name? Sparkles? Eh, it don’t matter. I didn’t even have a chance to explain the risks to him. Especially in that leather armor he was wearin’. He did sign the indemnity waiver that disavows me of all legal and moral responsibility though. Thank the laws of physics for mooks who don’t take the time to read, even if it, say, had directions to Gallywix’s secret gold an’ dirty magazine vault hidden away out there.
The weird part? Not even a day later, an’ I’m ridin’ my custom-fitted chopper ’round Ashenvale to go an’ help out your guys at the Warsong Lumber Mill with some defective shredders. All of a sudden, the forest shakes, glitter’s rainin’ down from the trees, an’ I come across one very charred but very alive tauren woman an’ that elf kid! She was screamin’ an’ yellin’ about “That’s the last you’ll see of old Magatha!” while limpin’ away through the trees! That ain’t somethin’ ya see every day! An’ that damn kid, he just didn’t give up! Charred to hell, clothes burnt to cinders, an’ he hobbles after her, firin’ off Face Melter after Face Melter! I had to run for cover because I did NOT want to be on the receivin’ end of that blast. Between explosions an’ hackin’ up glitter, I heard him yellin’ “I AM JOHNNY AWESOME! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” I don’t think that elf’s right in the head. HE TOOK OUT MY DAMNED CHOPPER WITH HIS EXPLOSIVES! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG A WALK IT IS BACK TO BILGEWATER HARBOR WHEN YOU’VE GOT LITTLE LEGS?! I’m currently camped out at the rear gate. Maybe I should pick up the parts for a new chopper while I’m in the neighborhood, huh?
–Glessee “Glitch” Sparkbolt
Okay, Glessee, ordinarily I would give you some obligatory “hello”s and “how are you”s, but right now we’ve got more important things to deal with. Namely, let me make sure I’m getting all this straight. So… what you’re telling me is… the leather-wearing, sparkle-pony-mourning JOHNNY AWESOME —
WHO I HATE, ever since he helped Magatha that time — bought up a stash of defective weapons… and then used them, for whatever spirits-forsaken reason, to go after fucking MAGATHA GRIMTOTEM — WHO I HATE MORE, ever since, well, seriously, where do I even fucking START? — and the whole thing ended up with the two of them burned to a crisp and charred all to hell and stumbling all cinder-like through Ashenvale?
…
Okay, dude, you know what? I know that for the last, I don’t know, FOREVER, I’ve held an unwavering stance of “FUCKING TIME TRAVEL,” but I might have to make an exception here, because goddamn would I love to go back and witness that happening live. I could spread that sight over bread and eat it for fucking dinner. Hot damn. HA! <snort>
Glad to see you still have new and inventive ways to embarrass yourself in front of your daughter. Congrats on alienating the only family you have.
–Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
Oh, hey, Varian, Nice to see you’ve got time in your schedule to write, seeing as I’m sure sucking as hard as you do must take a load of time and effort. Actually, speaking of which, let me cover this before I forget. I AM kind of in EPIC VERSE mode today, and I know you’ve always appreciated my handiwork, so here, here’s one for you on the house:
Two roads diverged in the Elwynn wood
A mere stone’s cast from House of Wrynn,
And for a while, there alone you stood
And weighed, down one path, the likelihood
Of sights of dread at the Goldshire Inn.
You turned to the other winding path
To the northern abbey’s questing hubs.
Even you could do the mental math:
In Goldshire, your brain would need a bath;
Abbey north would just be full of scrubs.
You chose the north road to navigate,
Where fewer leaves had been trodden back.
A visit to Goldshire Inn could wait;
Perhaps one day if you had a date:
You doubted if you should ever come back.
One day you’ll tell this with much ado;
You’ll pardon if I spoil the suspense:
Two roads diverged in the wood, and you–
You chose the one less traveled through.
But that made no difference, because you still suck.
Fuck you, Varian.
Again I say — EPIC VERSE!
But before I give you the finger and send you on your way, I should probably address your point. I mean, you DID pull your head out of your ass long enough to… actually, now that I look back at what you wrote, you didn’t really pull your head out of your ass for that at all, did you? Probably just as well, seeing as having your head constantly jammed up your ass just means your face will be close enough to kiss it goodbye next time I see you. But, either way, I should probably address your point, assheaded though it was.
So, speaking of being an embarrassment to your kid, well, here, let me let one of your fellow readers make my point for me…
I write to you, not as an ally of Stormwind. Seriously, fuck that idiot King. I’d have half a mind of giving him the Garona Special, but she is one of the few things I fear. I write to you to extend a hand of peace and understanding, being a child of two worlds like your own daughter. My mother was a human. My father was a Blackrock Orc. I know not of what became of either of my parents. As for my peace offering, well, following in the footsteps of another halfbreed rogue does have its benefits! If only I understood these bizarre goblin and gnomish devices better, I could have captured him singing one of those annoying Earth Online pop songs!
Enjoy!
–Shakis Addington
So… Shakis… I mean, I’m sure there’s… hehe… there’s plenty for me to… heh… to comment on your family background… <chuckle> …and I could probably make a… hehehe… a smartassy comment about being offered a “Garona Special” of my own a time or two, but… ha… hahaha… I mean… <chortle> …oh seriously, you know I can’t get past that… that… THAT!
HAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!
Ahem. Okay. So… um…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Heh. Hehehehehehe.
Okay! Hehehe… Okay, so, to recap for all of you, I just had one reader notify me that Johnny Awesome bought a load of unstable armaments, went after Magatha Grimtotem, and got both of them blown nearly to the Nether in the process. And THEN, and then…
HeheheHEHEHEHE HAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
I mean really, dude, do you realize… a shark could bite my dick off right now, and this would STILL count as an awesome day.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…
That’s it for now. I just… I need to go and… like… I don’t know, do something happy.
More soon.
<GIGGLESNORT>
[The Warchief’s next mailbag will be Monday, April 4. Send your questions, comments, or other missives to Garrosh via or email or, as always, using the handy-dandy for below:]
Monday mailbag
Okay, time to dip into the mail. Quick one this time around, but I’m a busy orc, so that works out. Let’s get right to it…
So, I kinda put some thought into my work. The Facemelters just weren’t sellin’ like I thought they would, so I decided to put my design talents to work by approachin’ ol’ Helix Blackfuse and lookin’ for work. Course, the big boss gets all the fame and glory of his design team, but no big, ya know? He still pays pretty good compared to what I was makin’ with my startup company.
I come bearin’ some good news for your most recent armaments order. So, get this. Ol’ Blackfuse comes to us in the design team, wantin’ to make a demolisher. Only he wanted to mix it with somethin’ like those dwarf steam tanks they got on the other side. I thought, what would make this bigger, better, and more BADASS than just a demolisher with the stayin’ power of a tank? We worked at it all night, but I think you’ll absolutely LOVE the end results. We like to call it the Iron Juggernaut.
So, we took the basic design of a Horde demolisher, then we completely reworked the chassis so the end result, once the body team finishes construction, looks like a Kor’kron scorpid! Pretty cool, huh? But that ain’t all we got in mind! Instead of claws, we slapped a launchable sawblade and drill to its front end (which is also where the exhaust port is to vent all those volatile flames from the furnace, and hoo baby, this thing looks like it’ll be spewin’ fire like a dwarf that had one too many at Brewfest when it rolls off the assembly line). Instead of some sort of impalin’ device for the tail (seriously, that drill-claw ain’t just for looks), we replaced it with a laser beam. Yeah, you read that right. Lasers. Perfect for incineratin’ your enemies AND cookin’ those five copper instant noodle packs! We also got a device in place that launches boilin’ hot tar in all directions, ’cause you can never have too much in the way of stoppin’ power for anyone comin’ to beat this thing up. Toppin’ it all off, this bad boy also launches crawlin’ land mines that burrow into the ground (that was my input, because you can never EVER have enough explosives involved). The design for those crab mines were from a guy over in R&D named Pauli Rocketspark, and man, does that guy love his explosive devices. More than me, and that’s sayin’ somethin’, ya know?
I attached a copy of the blueprints for your final okay on the finished product. Can’t wait until we start producin’ these babies!
–Glessee “Glitch” Sparkbolt
Blackfuse Company, Weapons Designer
Oh, hey, Glessee, it’s been a while. Sorry the Facemelters didn’t really work out, except I’m not really that sorry, what with those things, like, at least six times more dangerous for the USERS than they were for the TARGETS. I have this on good authority from several field commanders who never had any experience with the things themselves but BECAME field commanders when they replaced their recently deceased predecessors who DID.
(Speaking of which, seeing as the Facemelters turned out to be a big ol’ kablooey-disaster, have you considered maybe trying to unload your leftover stock on the Alliance? You could maybe recoup some of your money, and we could probably end up with at least a few dead Allies and the resulting yuks.)
So… you’re on Blackfuse’s payroll, huh? Which kind of means, by extension, you’re on MY payroll. Could be handy to have some inside info on what he has going on. Dude DOES tend to be pretty cryptic about what he’s working on until he’s gotten things at the very late stages. A few peeks at things while they’re still early in production. You know, before I get hit with the R&D bill after the fact.
Speaking of which, this latest project sounds freaking AWESOME. A demolisher loaded up with wall-to-wall weaponry all packed into the shape of a giant scorpid? FUCK yeah. I mean… wait… it IS a GIANT scorpid, right? I’m not going to open the box and find out it’s some kind of mini demolisher scaled down to the size of an actual scorpid, am I? Although it might be kind of funny if it was all tiny and shit but could still roll in and wreck face. That might be good for some LOLs.
Assuming we’re talking about a demolisher-sized scorpid and not a scorpid-sized demolisher (tell me THAT’S not a meme-starting Ask.fm question just waiting to happen), gotta say, I’m loving this GIANT ROBOT idea. We should totally run with this whole design philosophy, if you ask me. Like what if we built a bunch of these souped up demolishers, and made them so they could COMBINE into a giant fel-reaver-type robot? Like one demolisher unit could make the body, and two more could be the arms, and so on, until BAM! all cower before the might of Vol’kron! Or whatever we call it. I’m just spitballing here.
OR– OR– hey! How about THIS — what if we made some demolishers that could turn INTO reavers? So you’ve got the armored siege engine, AND you’ve got the giant robot! Or you could even keep the scorpid idea, and have the SCORPID turn into the reaver, depending on what you need it to fight. Give it some badass name, Scorponok or something. Or for THAT matter, who says we have to limit ourselves to scorpid demolisher forms? Like for instance, I’ve got Nazgrim down in Pandaria sending his scouts to check out the Isle of Giants — can you imagine if we could whip up some motherfucking ROBOT DINOSAURS? DO YOU REALIZE HOW BADASS THAT WOULD BE? They could even still transform from their dino-demolisher forms into reaver-robot forms. Just picture that — a robo-devilsaur that kicks your ass, then turns into a giant reaver to kick it some more. Granted, the robot probably wouldn’t be too bright, but me Garrosh no care.
Hang on. How much do you figure all this might end up costing? Me Garrosh might motherfucking care about THAT.
Um.
Okay, you know what? I’m going to stick my neck way, way out and guess that this came from a goblin. First hint? The school this kid’s going to apparently saw fit to start teaching economics and marketing before, you know, HOW TO FUCKING SPELL.
Also, what the hell kind of a deal is that? I pay this kid do she draws me a PICTURE of bacon? How the hell is THAT supposed to be satisfying? I can just go get some REAL bacon! HOW IS THAT NOT A BETTER DEAL? I’m not going to get anything out of somebody DRAWING something I can just do for real. That would be like… I don’t know…
Heh. Hahahahahaha. That IS pretty funny. They really do get those looks on their faces, too. Right before they lose consciousness. Then they’re quiet. Sweet, sweet quiet. Good times.
Um. Okay, okay, fine, maybe a picture can be fun sometimes. But I’m not going to freaking PAY for them!
OH STOP THE EDITORIALIZING, KID. Sheesh.
ANYWAY, the answer is no, kid. I mean, goblin-kid. Not Gurtash-kid. I’m not interested in hiring you to draw for me. Or my friends. Or whatever.
Gotta admit, though. That bacon DOES look good.
Okay, that’s going to do it for this time around, but keep those letters coming. More awesomeness soon.
[The Warchief’s next mailbag will be Monday, March 7. And, speaking of which, I realize that the blog’s content has been rather mailbag-heavy of late, when there’s even been new content at all, but rest assured I’ve been making use of the seeming down time — the results of which you’ll be seeing start to roll out this week! So thanks to everyone for hanging in there. You patience will be rewarded! In the meantime, do send a few questions, comments, or other missives to Garrosh via or email or, as always, using the handy-dandy for below:]
Everyone has a price
Well, I just got back from Azshara. Operation Blackfuse is a go.
I went up this morning, just me and Malkorok. I wanted to keep this pretty hush-hush, and have a minimal number of people involved. Mokvar was definitely out, what with him being busy working on Neeru Firelade these days, and besides, I don’t know if this was exactly a meeting I would want an official record of.
On the other hand… we ARE talking about cutting a deal with a goblin. And an extra fast-talking one at that. And considering how shifty goblins can get about their fine print sometimes…
OH DAMMIT. I swear to fuck, one of these days I’m going to stop biting myself in the damn ass.
ANYWAY.
I headed up to Bilgewater Harbor with Malkorok in tow — he insisted on coming with me for security purposes, just in case I needed some backup. Of course, that brilliant plan of his kind of went up in smoke once we actually GOT there, and placed Blackfuse’s super-secret retarded-ass lunch order, and Blackfuse’s flunky Fizz Lighter turned up to teleport us over. The going-up-in-smoke taking the form of said flunky porting ME into Blackfuse’s lair, but not Malk. Which, you know, kind of defeated the point of me bringing a fucking bodyguard. I tell you, he really does get the job most of the time, but sometimes I wonder about that guy. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Evidently, though, that’s standard operating procedure for Blackfuse — only letting the crucial people port over to his place and not just giving a blanket invitation to any guests they might have brought with them. Which I guess I can understand, seeing as if you’re running a secret underground operation, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to let somebody come parading into your pad with a bunch of armed guards. Not good for security, and for that matter, it doesn’t necessarily leave you a very good negotiating position when you and your handful of goons are outnumbered. Still annoying from my vantage point, mind you, but I get it.
Anyhow, Blackfuse had himself one damn impressive underground lair. All kinds of gadgets and gizmos all over the place, and this crazy souped-up trike, and also some gigantic copper piece sitting out on display for decoration, although I’m still not sure what was up with that. OH but seriously, dude, you would not BELIEVE the gaming rig that guy has. Gigantic high-res display, stereo speakers, one of those snazzy gaming keyboards, all set up around this fucking AWESOME recliner. I hopped onto Earth Online for a few minutes while I was there, because I just HAD to see how it looked on that screen of his, and DAMN. And did I mention the chair? Crazy comfy with buttons and shit built into the armrests to control some of his gadgets. Seriously, I could fucking LIVE here. Which I guess is kind of the point, seeing as Blackfuse DOES pretty much live there. Still, I’ve definitely got to work on my own man-cave after seeing that shit. Or Warchief-cave. Something like that. I’ll come up with a suitable name for it later.
Anyway, Blackfuse was already getting on my good side with the snazzy toys and shit, and once we had a chance to go over more practical military projects, dude didn’t disappoint. I brought a pack with me with a bunch of schematics of the equipment we’re working with right now, and Blackfuse was full of ideas for how we could soup it up or move to a whole new-and-improved wave of tech. I’m not going to go into detail here for security reasons, plus why spoil all the surprises that everyone gets to look forward to? I seriously can’t wait to see the look on Nazgrim’s face when he sees some of this shit he’s going to get to play with.
So, the up side: yeah, I think we’re in business. Now for the down side. HOLY FUCKING SHIT that guy doesn’t work for cheap. I mean, I get it, he’s a goblin, and a businessman, and he’s looking to make money, that’s all cool, but FUCKING HELL, dude, I’ve BEEN to an auction house before, I KNOW there’s not that much of a markup on seaformium!
So evidently, Blackfuse thought it was a cool idea to try to price-gouge me, and don’t get me wrong, I was totally ready to pay the guy, but COME THE FUCK ON. Luckily, I came prepared with a counteroffer he couldn’t rightly refuse. Remember that pack I mentioned bringing, with the schematics and shit? Well, I also took the precaution of packing a bunch of shaman recall totems to take with me.
For those of you not in the know, recall totems are these totems that shaman bind part of their spirit to, so that they can basically summon themselves to the totem later. Usually, shaman attune themselves to a totem that they set up in their home so they can pop on back there, but figured it might be handy to bring a few along. So that, at a pre-set time, if they hadn’t received word otherwise, Overseer Elaglo and Xorenth and a couple of their acolytes could use their attunements to those totems to POOF themselves right on over, right next to me.
Oh, and hey, while they were at it, they might as well all pack a few totems each, too, so some MORE of their shaman friends could pop on over and we could have a roarin’ ol’ shaman party while we were at it. And so between the couple dozen shaman we suddenly had in attendance, and the bunch of flame hounds they summoned to come join us — because who doesn’t like to bring their dog along for a fun time, am I right? — well, go figure, all of a sudden Blackfuse’s asking price started coming way the fuck DOWN.
See? Who says I’m not a good contract negotiator? You just have to know how to talk to people.
We’ve got a plan in place now, and Blackfuse is going to come to Orgrimmar in a few weeks to go over logistics. Barring something stupid happening — which I know you never can assume around these parts, unfortunately — we should be good to go.
More soon.
Spazzle Speaks: Refer a Friend
Things have been quiet for a few days, thank goodness. Garrosh has been busy with whatever he does in Grommash Hold. Mokvar has been busy down in Ragefire Chasm. Ji’s been busy with…well, I’m not really sure what Ji’s been busy with, but I figure he must be busy, since he hasn’t raided my fridge in a while. So as long as he’s doing okay I guess that’s a good thing.
Anyhow, all the quiet time just means I have some free time to spend gaming.
You have logged on.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] So its like a patch
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Spazzle
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well, kind of
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but different
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good afternoon, Spazzle
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi mbc
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] How
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BIGGER PRETTY MUCH
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey gayle
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, much much bigger, plus the expansions are when they make all the big changes to things
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] What kinds of things
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey everyone
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] gaahh!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new abilities for your class
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or sometimes they revise how your class works
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HI MR
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so close!
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] And usually break it.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so what’s been going on?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Hello MrBadCrumble
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not terribly much, really.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] MORE LEVELS TOO
[Guild][MargoLane] not really, guys, but it’s ok
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea that too bart
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A friend of Mokvar’s just joined the guild.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh no I hope they dont break mine
[Guild][MargoLane] let’s just start it up again
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She’s running something with…well, the braintrust.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I take it everyone’s heard?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh cool
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Don’t even get me started on how badly they messed up my recipes when they introduced Lactose Intolerance.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I wouldn’t worry about that, red
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m starting it
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] More levels??
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] About the expansion? Yes.
You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: a friend of yours?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I think they said they were getting rid of that next expansion
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] You’re still learning your class so it probably won’t be too big of a change
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Everyone’s been talking about it off and on as the information has come out.
You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: who’s that?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh thank the spirits.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH THE NEW MAX LEVEL IS GOING TO BE 70
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] 70???
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah I’ve been streaming the coverage in the background
[Bartleby | Mokvar] whispered: Who do you think?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] But I havent gotten to 60 yet!
You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: lol
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’m surprised you didn’t go to EarthCon this year, actually, Spaz.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t worry, red, you still have plenty of time
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the expansion won’t be for months yet
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh okay
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] eh, well, those zep tickets aren’t cheap
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] probably longer
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH IT’S NOT GOING TO BE ANY TIME SOON
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] besides, when tickets were going on sale, I was kinda busy with more important things
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like trying to figure out if my friend was actually dead
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] They didn’t say when it’s going to be
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “soon”
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, sorry
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SOON
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] “Soon”™
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re NOT dead
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And that’s not
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, dear Warchief.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] just, y’know… earthcon!
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Well
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Soon?
You whispered to [MargoLane]: so, I guess I know you?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] nope
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh. What’s soon?
[MargoLane] whispered: lol, hi spazzle
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not usually
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] This game is very confusing at times
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey boss
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HELLO OMGIPWNEDURFACE
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new expansion
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Didn’t you say you had some meeting in Azshara today, Garrosh?
You whispered to [MargoLane]: keeping an eye on Mokvar here too? hehe
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW THATS HARD TO TYPE
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh shit, they announced it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The new expansion?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh? what’s in azshara?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, they did the announcement this morning
[MargoLane] whispered: eh, mostly just a way to pass the time
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh come now, Spazzle, you of all people should know what’s in Azshara.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] info’s been leaking out little by little all day
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Damn, I missed it
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Considering how much of it your kin have blown up.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So what’s it going to be?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey hey hey
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay yeah alright
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] TIME TRAVEL
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] at least we don’t make places glow green when we move in :-/
[MargoLane] whispered: plus from the way mok talks about them, it sounds like dontrag and utvoch can use as much help with their cashiering as they can get
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “back to the future”
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It seems like a Caverns of Time inspired story
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I suspect that several irradiated former lab sites would beg to differ.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah yeah fine
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …What?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO RED
You whispered to [MargoLane]: what are you doing with them?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i know, right?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you suppose they consulted with Nozdormu about it
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So hang on, are they screwing with me or what?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] IDK
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Nope.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] but anyway, that’s why I was wondering
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Time travel
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I had much the same reaction at first, to be honest, Warchief.
[MargoLane] whispered: just taking them through some trade school scenarios and giving them pointers
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking hell…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so I guess the way it’s going to work
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] if you were going to azshara, maybe I know some people up there
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] is we’re going to go back in time to key moments in earth history
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I think it’ll be pretty interesting to see some of those events we’ve been hearing about
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] not sure yet if we’re trying to change what happens
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, maybe, I wanted to keep this fairly hush hush until I saw how things were going to go
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or, yea, if we’re doing the noz thing
You whispered to [MargoLane]: how’s it coming along?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WHAT DO YOU MEAN
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ugggghhhhh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, it’s official
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I just mean all the lore events that we read about in the quests
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, what she said
[MargoLane] whispered: slowly
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How what was going to go?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOZ
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They are seriously running out of ideas
[Guild][MargoLane] ok ok come on you two
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Or in those books that you can click on to read more about the world
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, like
[Guild][MargoLane] another try
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL HE HATES WHEN PEOPLE CALL HIM THAT
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, clandestine undertakings. How intriguing!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the world wars
You whispered to [MargoLane]: haha, well good luck
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Ahem, Honalee…
[Guild][MargoLane] let’s try actually using the register this time
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the french revolution
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the fall of rome
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking time travel…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Intriguing primarily, of course, because I would know nothing of such things.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good idea
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that kind of thing
[MargoLane] whispered: lol thanks
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I MEAN SO I’VE HEARD
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, that reminds me, I still need to find one more of those books for the achievement
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m meeting with a goblin engineer who might start working on improving the ol’ arsenal
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH WOW YOU READ THOSE
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, who is it? I might know them
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You dont
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So is it those three events specifically, or what?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How’s it looking?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Good so far
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you mean the books or the quests
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] EITHER
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were a bunch of events we were going to interact with
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He already has some preliminary designs that he could rework for our purposes pretty easily
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] those were just a few examples
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Are you going back to meet with him again?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You don’t read the quests
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Really
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were going to be others
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL NO
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, I think I’m going to get everything wrapped up while I’m here
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh, you’re still up there?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Arent you supposed to
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What are we supposed to be doing, though?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how are you getting online?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOT REALLY YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE QUEST
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got a really sweet gaming setup here
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that’s what I’m trying to figure out
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh nice.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] wait, blackfuse?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they haven’t made it very clear
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Wouldn’t we have to be trying to preserve history, if it’s based on the Caverns of Time
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got this whole underground headquarters under the mountains with computer equipment like you wouldn’t believe
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] we don’t know if that’s what they’re going for, though
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT WOULD BE PRETTY WEIRD OTHERWISE
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s him
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] blackfuse as in HELIX blackfuse?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that would be pretty damn lame if they try to build an expansion out of us going back in time and changing history
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Goodness, a subterranean lair within which all manner of unspeakable endeavors might secretly be pursued? What -will- they think of next.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I agree pwn but you never know
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wtf
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You’d be surprised.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know him?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] dammit this thing cheats
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] If we change history though wouldn’t that undo what our characters are doing now
[MargoLane] whispered: fyi, your friends are idiots
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you’re hiring him?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you just nod off the last few minutes and miss the whole conversation?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see that’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out, red
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yes, I’m hiring him
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, I’m not sure what they’re going to do either way
[Guild][MargoLane] it’s okay, guys, we’ll try some more tomorrow
You whispered to [MargoLane]: you need to be more specific
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] because if we change history, how do they get around undoing everything that’s happened since
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: boss, you really really don’t want to
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok thanks
[Guild][MargoLane] read those links i gave you
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] One word of advice, boss, try not to let him talk you into a payment plan
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: for real
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] unless they set it up somehow so that changing the past doesn’t change the present
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] The interest is where they really get you.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And then what would even be the point
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: And I don’t want to, because…?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] right exactly
[Guild][MargoLane] meanwhile i think i’m going to log
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] All I’m gonna say about this, for the last time
[MargoLane] whispered: lol
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then also if we go back and have to change things
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know he’s probably rolling out some really impressive-looking tech, and he’s definitely crazy smart, but believe me, you don’t want to get mixed up with him
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well they only change because we went back, right?
[Guild][MargoLane] i need a drink
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Right
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] k bye margo
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] is FUCKING TIME TRAVEL
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then we get back to the present and we don’t have a reason to go back anymore
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] and thanks
[MargoLane] has logged off.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so we don’t go back
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and then things happen the way they did originally because we weren’t there
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Right, see, I’m still waiting on the WHY part of all this
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and so now we DO need to go back
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: because he’s not just crazy smart
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and in that case, aren’t we just getting ourselves stuck in a loop?
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s CRAZY
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THIS IS GETTING REALLY DEEP
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait wut
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] where we just keep going around over and over having to redo the same things
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Yeah, well, look, inventors are supposed to be a little eccentric
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] um
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It is Honalee but I think it’s pretty interesting
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: The whole mad scientist type
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] just to keep time from breaking apart or whatever
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey that sounds familiar somehow
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] all right then. check please.
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] do you rememeber that doc
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: You’ve got a little dose of that yourself, I’ll have you know
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh crap he logged
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YOUR PROBABLY THINKING ABOUT THIS WAY TOO MUCH
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea I probably am
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh geez ut are you going on about that again
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well well, it appears that the wonder twins are back.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: garrosh I’m serious
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean steve
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Which means it is, as the ogre would say, time for fun.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean I guess they can do what they want, it’s not like it’s real life
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Uh oh, here we go.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Still it would be nice if they tried to have it make sense
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, don’t hold your breath on that from the look of this
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know you don’t usually listen to me about policy decisions and yeah it’s not really my area, but just this time please listen to me
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, I guess we’ll see
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] ANYHOW I NEED TO GO
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah gil i told you before
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude what’s up with you about this guy
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] it really happened like i said
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SEE EVERYONE SOON
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Bye Honalee
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] later puff
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: What, did he wrinkle one of your damn comic books or something?
[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, are you two done with your training scenarios? You completed them triumphantly and have your shiny new name badges, I trust?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh and one other feature they were talking about
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s not stable
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Um, have you not seen the people I’ve got surrounding me
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no, it didn’t go so good
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I guess at endgame you get to go back to ancient egypt and build your own pyramid
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: no no no I don’t mean like neurotic unstable
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and gather followers there
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, I see.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] That doesn’t sound very much like preserving the integrity of history
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez, just what I need
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s a shame.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: blackfuse is brilliant but he’s honest-to-physics DANGEROUS
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yea it kind asucks
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol yea i know
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Like I don’t have a hard enough time dealing with my student minions already
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] could be interesting, though
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Now I get to deal with more?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You see, gentlemen, I was so hoping that you might earn your name tags and by so doing settle the nagging question that has vexed us lo these many months.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, I bet they’re going to base it on the teacher mechanic, too
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: back in kezan even gallywix knew to give him a wide berth
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] like the way you give assignments
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, don’t remind me. I’m trying to give out my daily homework now
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait what?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no no, see we need to get a high score to pass, now a low one
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Having to do it all individually is a huge pain
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t think that’s what she means gil
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I don’t know why they don’t just set it up so I can click on my teacher desk or something and hand out all the assignments at once
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not to intrude on your gameplay, Warchief
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well what do you think it is
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude, Gallywix gives EVERYONE a wide berth
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But I believe there’s an addon you can use for those assignments.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t know
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I don’t know
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol jinx
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Have you not seen him? Motherfucker is huge, in a not-tall way
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] something about a question
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, yea, it would be convenient if you could click on a table and do it that way
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yea but what question?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I use it, normally
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well thats a question
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I bet that would get pretty tedious after a few weeks though
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah that’s A question but i don’t think it’s THE question
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I just don’t have any of my usual addons since I’m not on my own computer here
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: wait
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] whats the difference
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, I see.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] donty you idiot
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re not on your laptop?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] one’s with a and one’s with the
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] duh
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: No
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would imagine that would leave you feeling a bit out of sorts.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: how are you online then?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so um
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I told you, I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I’m on his computer
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, very well, gentlemen, i’ll spare you your coy maneuvering and lay my cards on the table.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: um…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait we’re playing cards?
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: so I’ve been saying…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i thought this was EO
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re logged onto…
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: frak
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The pertinent question to which I allude is, of course, the ongoing mystery of which of you is Dontrag, and which one is Utvoch.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay sorry to be abrupt everybody but I really need to log off
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait that’s still a mystery?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like right right now
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Later, Spaz
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit ut did you lose the letter from overlord cliffwalker again
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ll talk to everyone later
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I hope
You have logged off.
So yeah, not to be rude to you folks, too, but I need to wrap this up fast. I’ve got hacking to do. Like, a lot of it. Pronto. Time is money!
And…survival!
CLICK!
Monday mailbag
Okay, looks like we’ve got some follow-up responses to some of the last few mailbags, so let’s have at it…
I’ve just come back from a meeting with one of Blackfuse’s representatives. Operation Mercenary is a-go.
He says Blackfuse’s official headquarters are all the way back on Kezan, which ain’t that easy to get to what with the exploding volcano and all that jazz, but the man’s actual main workshop is a little outfit in a cave system deep underground in the Azshara area. Not very glamorous but no one would think to look for him there, so I undersand.
Before you ask, it seems he’s run up a gambling debt with Booty Bay in the last while, so he has to lay low for the forseeable future. Good news is, that means he’s desperate – if there was any chance of him not agreeing to work with you before, there ain’t now; he’ll take money wherever he can get it.
Blackfuse says he’ll let you into his workshop so you can see what he’s offering firsthand, but you’ll have to cover your tracks. The instructions were: come on down to Bilgewater Harbour, buy 2 Moonberry Juice and a Cured Ham Steak from the innkeeper, a cute little number called Mixi, and wait for the arrival of his representative, a shifty mage called Fizz Lighter or something, who’ll port you to the complex. I remember him from Kezan; seems he’s doing well for himself these days.
Personally I prefer to meet my customers face-to-face and do business in the open rather than make them sneak around and do a little dance before enacting the secret handshake first, but I’m not the multi-million gold genius tinker in debt to the wrong people so easy for me to say I guess. Anyway, that’s what he said, Warchief, so it’s all up to you now.
One last thing: as an apology for knocking you into next tuesday with my first letter, take this little book I “purchased” from a Zandalari Troll while trolling for goods. (eheheh) It’s an Ancient Tome of Dinomancy, and I think your Kor’kron beastmasters will like it; it explains how the Zandas capture and tame direhorns (they’re dinosaurs with four legs and big-ass horns on their heads) seeing as how that’s one of the few things I threw your way that stuck. Come on out to Pandaria and see what I mean – there’s this island the Zandas call the Isle of Giants crawling with them. In particular, there’s this really stubborn and bloodthirsty devilsaur called Thok that I think you’d really like.
–Grottee Metalbeard, Goblin Shaman
P.S. Just walked past this shaman in real black clothing on the way to the postbox. You took those dark shammies up on thier offer, didn’t you Warchief? We’re all screwed…
Hey again, Grottee. Nice to see you’ve been working on your, um, editorial sensibilities. You know, the ones that help you trim out those extra thousand words or so. Anyhow.
On the one hand, good work lining things up, sort of, with that Blackfuse guy. On the other hand, fucking hell, SERIOUSLY? I need to go to the inn, and place the secret code order, and… Well, wait, hang on. Two moonberry juices and a cured ham steak? That’s the order that signals the mage lackey guy? I mean, not for anything, but that doesn’t sound like a very outlandish or unusual order. Wouldn’t the innkeeper get a lot of people buying ham steak and moonberry juice in a typical week, just by the law of averages? Cured ham steak IS some damn good eatin’, after all, and what better way to wash it down than with a nice, cold moonberry juice?
(The Warchief’s Command Board is sponsored in part by Rocktusk Pork Products and Dream of Elune Moonberry Bottlers.)
…
What?
Hey. Look. A teenage daughter is fucking expensive, okay? Don’t judge me.
ANYWAY. The point is, you would have to figure random people at the inn are going to be placing that order all the time. So, what, is Blackfuse’s mage dude getting a false alarm thrown at him every couple days? Or does he just port these people to Blackfuse’s place straight away, without even checking with them? Because I don’t know if inducing spatial-displacement freakouts from random strangers would necessarily be great for business. Or…maybe it is? Like if he sells them some doohicky to teleport BACK once they’re already there. You know, kind of like that idea I had to put up a toll booth on the way in to Silithus, and charge people 50 copper to get in and 100 gold to get out. Personally, I think it would have done wonders for the budget, but oh no, Eitrigg had to get a bug up his ass over it. I don’t know, though… another shopping trip for Shayari and I might have to revisit this one.
So, anyway, okay, I guess I’m going to have to plan a trip to Azshara now. Like I don’t already have enough to do.
Thank you ever so much for your approval, I just know Lyssa and I will be so happy together. *dances around squeeing*
I know that one day I’ll be able to show her how your leadership of the Horde is bringing new opportunities for peace, harmony, and prosperity for all of us residents of Azeroth. (Even the humans, once they get rid of that simpering idiot Varian. Did you know that the Kaldorei are matriarchal, and that they don’t really have any more respect for him than you do? Apparently Tyrande calls him “High King”, but to the Kaldorei, that actually means something like “Omega Bitch”?)
–Sintra E’Drien
I… hang on.
So you mean you’re… I don’t remember giving any… Doesn’t ANYBOY even…
Oh fuck it. It’s not even worth the trouble. Have at it. What do I care?
Lucky for you your little night elf she got me in a good mood with the thing about Varian. I always sorta figured that “High King” crap was because you have to toke up on the ol’ felweed to stand being around him for more than five minutes, but… Omega Bitch? Heh. Heheheh. HahahahaHAHAHAHAHAAA! <snort> BWAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hah.
Heh.
It’s funny because it’s true.
I be a long-time readah of da blog, an’ I gotta ask ya dis, mon. What d’ya t’ink of da light show da dragons put on? Ya know, a bit of felweed makes da whole t’ing bettah?
–Zuri, Zandalari priestess of Hir’eek
PS : When ya gonna have me back for dem special dances, mon? I know ya be enjoyin’ dem.
Thanks for writing, Zuri, I— HOLD THE PRESSES. You’re a freaking ZANDALARI?! I mean I know you’ve been around Orgrimmar (and IXNAY ON THE APDANCESLAY, for fuck’s sake – I’ve got enough griefers around here as it is), but I figured you were just another Darkspear, or I guess maybe a Revantusk or Shatterspear (Yes, I had to look those up. Shut up.), but a ZANDALARI? How the hell did THAT happen? And never mind how you even wound up in Orgrimmar in the first place – how do you even have TIME to roll around Orgrimmar? As a Zandalari, don’t you already have your day filled up with, you know, being evil, and turning up inexplicably in random lairs every few months just when they become briefly relevant, and riding dinosaurs and shit?
And HEY, STOP THE PRESSES PART II – DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING DINOSAUR?! Can I get one?! You think you can hook me up? Is there even a place where you go to get them? I mean, yeah, I’ve heard, Pandaria, Isle of Giants, blah blah, but have YOU got a place for them, too? Because that could SERIOUSLY cut down on some importing costs if so, depending on what Nazgrim’s scouts have to say for themselves.
So what were you talking about? Oh yeah. Light show.
For anybody who’s confused, I think Zuri’s talking about this whole deal that the blue dragonflight does every so often in Orgrimmar where they roll into town and just sort of… hover around being sparkly for a while, whenever some random chump does some big favor for them or whatever. Matter of fact, Kalecgos himself used to run the show personally, back when they first started. Looks like he’s delegating now, since he hasn’t turned up since the whole Theramore business, which is probably just as well seeing as how, you know, awkward. Or the other dragons are still turning up on their own out of habit. Who knows.
Anyway, I’m not even sure what the whole to-do with the blue dragons even IS, but yeah, Zuri, shit’s trippy as hell. Give it a look next time you’re in town if you catch them at it, people. Puff, puff, pass, sit back and enjoy. Beats the fuck out of watching your hand move, let me tell you.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BRING STARBULL’S TO ORGRIMMAR?! We need kafa! Hot kafa! Everyday! I mean, yes, it’s dry and hot as hell out here, but I NEED THE KAFA! Um, WE ALL need the kafa!
It’s good for you! It tastes good and can make all kinds of special flavors. Moka Lava, chucklelate, sin-AYmon troll, express-OH whoa (massive haste boost with this one), and even snickers.
Did I mention it gives a haste buff too?
For the Kafa!
–Ruekie, Shaman in training
Kafa lover
So okay, Rook, it’s not that it isn’t nice to hear from you, but I have to ask: why are you always writing me letters with these questions? You see me in person, like, ALL THE TIME. You don’t need to go write a letter. You can just turn your head slightly to the left and be like, “Hey, boss, check this out.”
Setting that aside. You know, Rook, you might be on to something. I hear tell those Starbulls joints are all over the place in Mulgore these days, so I guess they must be doing something right. And I’ve gotta say – granted, it’s been a while since I’ve been out to Thunder Bluff, but last time I WAS there, I tried some of that Starbulls stuff. Not gonna lie, that kafa of theirs is pretty damn tasty. I’d especially recommend the vanilla/dark mocha tuxedo iced latte. You’ll thank me later.
(The Warchief’s Command Board is sponsored in part by Starbulls Kafa.)
…
Yeah, what of it?
Don’t look at me like that.
LISTEN, DOELING GOT EXPENSIVE TASTES, OKAY?!
Fucking hell, you people.
Anyway, yeah, I might have to look into getting a Starbulls over here. I know there’s already a kafa place over in the goblin part of town, but the one time Spazzle took me, the kafa tasted like sludge. Actually, I’m not at all sure the stuff WASN’T sludge.
Also, come to think of it… A ready supply of kafa might possibly be handy to have around the next time Tirion shows up looking for Eitrigg. You think that haste buff might make him get to the point faster?
That’s going to do it for this time around. As always, keep those letters coming. More soon.
[The Warchief’s next mailbag will be Monday, August 3. As always, send e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com or use the handy form below!]
[Revision! Due to a reality-necessitated blogging break, the next mailbag is being postponed from August 3 to September 7. By all means keep those e-mails and form submissions coming, though!]
Monday mailbag
Just got back to Orgrimmar a little while ago. I checked in with the shamans over in the Valley of Wisdom about Gurtash. They’re still working on him, and it doesn’t look like they’re going to have anything solid to say for a while yet. All we really know right now is that that spectral minion got him good…the fucker managed to get a good rip in on the kid in exactly the wrong areas, the head and chest. They made it sound like they’re not going to able to say much for sure for a while still, so apparently I’m just going to have to kill time till then. So, I guess this is as good a time as any to clear out some more of this mail backlog.
So… the last mailbag made an impression for sure, what with it including a letter from some goblin guy that ran on for so long that I’m fairly sure I still won’t finish reading it until sometime next Tuesday. With that in mind…
Dat quite da letter, Grottee Metalbeard. I’d recommend splittin’ it into more paragraphs next time, though. Ol’ Garry — *quickly scratches out the former and substitutes in “Warchief” — can only handle so much.
–Alayea
P.S. Though Fordring say he speechless, he sure ain’t one ta talk. =P
Oh, Fordring is one to talk, Alayea. To talk, and talk, and talk, and oh, by the way, did I mention talk? But yeah…that was a letter and a half last time. Actually, it was more like 6.2 letters. Maybe more. No less, though. You’d be amazed what a difference even a tenth of a letter makes. 6.1 would contain surprisingly little content.
Eheheh, sorry about all that Warchief. I was on a Kaja’cola binge when I wrote my letter.
Anyway, I’ll drop Blackfuse a line to let him know you’re interested. Protip: The key to keeping his attention is to keep mentioning money.
–Grottee Metalbeard
Oh, and check it out, look who’s back. So…how much Kaja’cola did you choke down before you wrote that letter? Is there any left? Anywhere? Or is that shit just really potent? I can’t say I’ve ever tried the stuff, so I’m not really in much position to say. Sounds like it has the same kind of effect as that kafa stuff from Pandaria that Ruekie’s always drinking. Man, you should see her with a couple cups of that stuff in her. Haste buff like you wouldn’t believe. I’m at least 50% sure one more cup would shave all her spells down to instant cast.
Anyway, yeah, feel free to contact that Blackfuse dude for me. Might be a good idea for you let me know where I can reach him so I can see about making contact directly, too. Is he over in the goblin part of town in Orgrimmar, or up in Azshara, or doing business somewhere else? Either way, yeah, I kind of figured the way to his heart was through his wallet. I mean, come on, he’s a goblin. I know how you guys are wired.
Oh, and before all you crybabies get your panties in a bunch about me saying that, because racist this and stereotype that and boo hoo hoo, I give you Exhibit A:
Got another question for ya! What’s the big deal with my fellow Horde members shirking their duty in Alterac Valley? Are the Frostwolves really a bunch of pansies now that Big T went all hippy peace and love, or are they just scared of the beards on them Stormpikes? If it’s the beards, I totally got an answer for that!
You see my company, Sparkbolt Enterprises, has recently come into some great explosives. And by great, I mean “how in the burning hells is this stuff still legal?!” We pack it up nice and tight in the best elementium plating we can find (and boy howdy was there a TON of that stuff lying around when Deathwing was killed off), primed and ready to be launched at the face of any Alliance foe you can imagine! I like to call it the Sparkbolt Facemelter™! For best results, aim at dwarves or the sissy pandas that went for the Blue and Gold. It’s like watching an explosive sheep in an oil refinery! Just watch out for friendly fire and people within range of the discharge explosion. Also, wear heavy protective armor when setting one of these bad boys off! My, uh, my cousin Vinny didn’t and his face literally got melted. Makes the family reunions awkward, I can tell ya that much. 10,000 gold will get ya 100 quality Facemelters, primed and ready to roll! (shipping and handling is an extra 5,000. We disavow any responsibility, legal, moral, or otherwise, for misuse or improper storage of our products.)
*attached is a handy order form and catalogue for other Sparkbolt products*
Pleasure doing business with ya,
–Glessee “Glitch” Sparkbolt, Founder and CEO of Sparkbolt Enterprises
Yeah. So. Thanks?
But okay…I want to make sure I’m following this correctly, because listen, if there’s one guy you DON’T have to sell on the idea of blowing up Allies, it’s me. Like it’s really, REALLY me. So… you’re trying to sell me explosives that you have to armor yourself to the teeth just to use, and still stay out of the range…hang on, what IS the “range of the discharge explosion”? Like how far away from this thing do you have to BE? Because you’re making it sound pretty damn huge, which would mean that it would be nearly impossible even to USE the damn thing without being taken out by it. Which means the only way I could even put these things into action would be to use my own people as living cannon fodder, and send them out there armed with these things to blow up targets knowing full well they’re gonna get melted themselves. Which sounds like it’s straight out of Psychotic War of Attrition 101.
So what I’m telling you is, I’ll go as high as 8000 for the pack of 100, shipped, but you’re not getting a copper more than that.
Fucking price-gouging goblins.
Being a big fan of your poetic skills, I just have to say,
There once was a goblin from Ratchet.
Go!
–Whizzy Greaseknuckle, from a neutral coastal town that may or may not be in the Northern Barrens
The fuck is up with all the goblins this time around? Is there some kind of coupon going around online for a “free with proof of your letter to Garrosh” deal or some shit?
Anyhow, though, you know what? You’re on.
There once was a goblin from Ratchet
Whose wits weren’t as sharp as a hatchet.
She launched a Facemelter™,
Ducked in her bomb shelter,
But, sadly, neglected to latch it.
EPIC VERSE!
I am Lantresor of the Blade. Perhaps you do not remember me, though I do remember you. If you do remember me, it’s probably about how my clan, the Boulderfist ogres, attacked the village of your friend Jorin Deadeye – which they did, but the peace settlement I made with you should make that square.
At any rate, I’m writing in from the Burning Blade Ruins because I noticed you have a daughter – Shayari, was it? – who is half-orc and half-draenei. That makes at least three of us in this world, I see – her, Garona Halforcen and myself. I am the inversion of your daughter, physically our unique my body is that of an orc with draenei traits; notably, I am taller than an average orc, my shoulders are broader and my skin is an off-blue colour.
I sympathise with her experiences – they are not unlike those of my own. My father was a draenei scout, my mother an orc of the Burning Blade Clan. Sadly, the blood war between my parents’ people came when I was young. My mother raised me alone as best she could, my father being too dead to help, but in the end, I am half-orc and half-draenei – because of which, in the end I would be seen as neither.
I had barely completed my rite of passage when my enemies in the clan had me cast out shortly after they came to power. My father’s people, as you can imagine, could not bare to look upon me, for I was a reflection of their death. I was fortunate enough to still find a place in the Horde, where I would serve under the banner of two warchiefs. Now, though, I bow to no one. Instead, I am a ruler. A ruler of ogres.
Most of our kind were wiped out decades ago, though who was most responsible I do not know. I do know, however, that most would live their lives as outcasts, labelled and cast aside. Victims of their heritage. This world is no good to those of us who are half- anything. We stand forever apart; few know us, and fewer still understand us. For that reason I carry immense respect for Rexxar and his kind, the Mok’Nathal. They have lived as outcasts even longer than I have, yet they remain strong, if insular and distrusftul.
I write this letter not seeking your pity, but as a gesture to your daughter. The things she and I have been forced to learn, the things we have endured and suffered, the rejection, the shame… they are things only the children of orcs and draenei can know. If she has lived this long, it is a testament to her strength and independence; not all such children had it in them to take on the challenges and struggles our unique heritage presents. I, for one, applaud her, inasmuch as that means anything to either of you.
As an addendum, tell your daughter the next time you see her that she is not alone as a half-orc/draenei. Tell her that Lantresor of the Blade knows and understands – and finally, that if she ever needs my aid, or that of Boulderfist, she has only to ask.
–Lantresor of the Blade
Huh. Well THAT’S someone I wasn’t expecting to get a letter from. Not least of all because I wouldn’t have guessed Lantresor read the blog. Actually, hang on – the ogres out in Nagrand have INTERNET access? Grizzle Fucking Gearslip can’t set up a wireless network in Domination Point that doesn’t make the computer literally urinate on the desk, but the fucking OGRES on a shattered planet have GOOGLE? How the hell did THAT happen?!
Anyway.
I do remember you, Lantresor. Although, not for nothing, but I wouldn’t go so far as calling Jorin my “friend.” Yeah, we both grew up in Garadar, but he was…well, he was always kind of a dick. Especially once he got wind of some of the uglier details about Grom, and decided it would be a hoot of a good time to keep reminding me of them at every turn. So, you know, that whole thing where you rolling his village. Boo hoo. Fuck ’im.
Anyhow, thanks for reaching out about Shayari. I haven’t really thought that much about the whole half-breed thing, but it probably makes sense that she’d do well to have someone she can talk to who’s in the same boat. And considering the only other option for that would be Garona, well…yeah… I don’t really know you, Lantresor, but I’m pretty sure you’d be the better option. Seeing as I haven’t seen any overt signs of fucking migraine-inducing crazy from you. Plus, Garona seems to get all cranky whenever anybody mentions Shay around her. Who knows.
As it happens, I think one of my trainees is on track to be around your neck of the woods soon, so if it’s all good by you, I may have her swing by your way to introduce herself. Think of her as sort of an emissary, entrusted with a crucial matter of cross-cultural diplomacy because…well…she was going to be in the neighborhood anyway. So if a young orc by the name of Mirembe comes toddling on over, try not to have your ogre buddies step on her. She’s not as squishy as a lot of kids her age, and more than a little better at shield-slamming, but still, you know, why court trouble?
And speaking of whom…
I know I’ve been writing in a lot, but it’s better to hear how my training goes here than in some silly report, right? And since you asked, I’m a Warsong orc too! My parents were grunts in Grom’s squad during the Third War. The necklace wasn’t from my first kills, so don’t worry!
I made it to Nagrand at last! Your Greatmother is awesome! She welcomed me, sat me down, and gave me a big bowl of clefthoof stew. I think I might gain weight out here from how often she asks me if I wanna eat something. If it’s not stew, it’s talbuk steak. If it’s not talbuk steak, it’s frenzy fish fry. She even offered me a sandwich made from leftover clefthoof roast one night after dinner! I won’t complain, though. The extra pounds might help me with a problem I’ve been having out here.
I met that Jorin guy. He seemed pretty crabby about some ogres or something. I wasn’t paying much attention until he told me to go kill those ogres. How long has this been going on with him? Anyway, to get back to my problem, he looks at me in creepy ways. Like how I’ve seen orcs in Shattrath stare at those draae…drenn…spacegoat girls. It’s gotten so bad, I stay with Greatmother most of the time now. What can I do to make him stop? Even threatening to smash his skull with my shield doesn’t work!
Help!
–Mirembe
Hey, Mirembe. Glad to hear the training is coming along. Just make sure you watch your portions while you’re out there – Greatmother piles the food on any guests who show up in town, and packing on the extra points isn’t going to do any favors to your dodge rating. Sure, she’s a nice old lady and everything, but you still need to be able to tell her “no thank you,” and then, when “no thank you” doesn’t even slow her down when she’s ladling out your ninth serving of clefthoof stew, you need to be able to get up from the table and walk away. And then keep walking, because she will FOLLOW your ass around town trying to get you to eat up, because you’re getting too skinny, and for FUCK’S sake make sure you keep a good pace going so you can stay ahead of her. She might be an old woman, but she’s fucking SPRY.
As for Jorin, speak of the devil, I was just answering another letter from this guy who…
Hang on.
You’re saying Jorin had you out killing ogres? Ogres that he was all cranky about? Like…the ogres who attacked his village back in the day… and who I arranged a TRUCE with way back before I moved to Orgrimmar? The ogres who are… um… led by…Lantresor of the Blade, who was JUST writing to me and trying to be nice and shit, and who I told I was going to send you to as a kind of emissary, only that was before I knew you were running around killing his fucking people, because evidently, according to Jorin, having a cease-fire in place for like four years is no reason not to send unsuspecting noobs (no offense, Mira) to KILL the people we have the cease-fire with because stomp stomp hissy fit? THOSE ogres?
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JORIN. I mean, seriously. Fuck that guy. Um…not literally, Mirembe. Not literally. You don’t want to encourage him. Like at all.
And speaking of Jorin and his leering… yeah. He was always kind of a creeper. Twice the creepy looks with half the eyes. The best thing to do, really, it probably to try to steer clear of him. But you want to know the real secret weapon? Next time you catch Jorin popping his one good peeper at you, high-tail it over to Greatmother and fill her in on what he’s been up to. Believe me, that old lady doesn’t put up with any crap, and I can tell you from first-hand experience that if he sets her off, she will drop the clefthoof stew in two seconds flat to run over there and serve up a big steaming bowl of Pull Your Head Out of Your Fucking Ass, Jorin.
If THAT doesn’t work…hoo boy. All I can think of at that point if to remind the fucker that he’s already down to just one good eye, and if he can’t keep THAT eye from ogling where it shouldn’t be, SOMEBODY might have to take that one, too. Which may or may not give him an updated vision of how he’s going to die.
Maybe THAT’ll finally get through to him. Because, you know, it’s all fun and games until someone loses and eye, but it’s even BIGGER fun when they lose the other…
Erm…
Never mind.
I’m going to wrap up here. I’ve got to head over to the Valley of Wisdom and check in. On a few things. Keep the letters coming, e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com, handy form below, yadda yadda.
More soon.
[Next mailbag: June 1!]
