Tag Archives: hozen
30 Days of Character Development #13: Zhi-Zhi
[Periodically, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players. (See the first profile for more details.) Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about!]
Name: Zhi-Zhi
Occupation: Monk trainee, meditation student, part-time errand runner
Race: Hozen
Class: Monk
Age: 7
Group affiliations: Forest Hozen (member), Tian Monastery (student), Horde (de facto ally)
Known relatives: Zho-Zho (father); nine brothers, all named “Zhi”/“Zhi-Zhi,” with slight differences in pronunciation to distinguish them. (Zhi-Zhi was always the quiet one in the family.)
First appearance: “Lines of inquiry” (alternate reality), “I think I can remember your name” (main timeline)
Key posts and plot points:
- Garrosh’s relationship with Zhi-Zhi has been…complex. The matter of when the two first met depends, in a way, on whom you ask – mainly because their first encounter, from Garrosh’s perspective, never happened. Well, it did, originally. Only now it didn’t. Sort of. (See? Do you SEE why Garrosh is so prone to yelling “FUCKING TIME TRAVEL!”?)
- So. From Garrosh’s point of view, he first met Zhi-Zhi while temporally displaced into an alternate universe, during the Timequake story arc. In the alternate reality, Zhi-Zhi had been found washed ashore by a scouting expedition led by Legionnaire Nazgrim; when Garrosh first met Zhi-Zhi in “Lines of inquiry,” he was being brought to Grommash Hold to be questioned by that timeline’s Warchief, Dranosh Saurfang. Zhi-Zhi, however, was much more interested in Garrosh, recognizing him at first sight, then evidently correcting himself that Garrosh was “not the one.” When pressed, Zhi-Zhi indicated that he had seen Garrosh in a vision of some kind; later, in the midst of the fall of that timeline’s Orgrimmar in “This is the way the world ends,” Zhi-Zhi told Garrosh that he was “not the one – yet.” This was the last Garrosh saw of Zhi-Zhi in that reality, as the hozen was presumably killed in the invasion of the city.
- The Zhi-Zhi native to this timeline had a different first encounter with the Warchief. Garrosh encountered Zhi-Zhi while visiting Tian Monastery in “I think I can remember your name,” in which he and Zhi-Zhi immediately recognized each other: Garrosh from his experiences in the other timeline, and Zhi-Zhi from the visions which has had seen in this timeline (just as his alternate-universe counterpart did). Zhi-Zhi and Elder Cloudfall confirmed that they had both seen Garrosh in visions, and that he had a destiny of some significance, though they declined to elaborate much further. Because people who know such things about the future tend to be cryptic that way.
Since then, Zhi-Zhi’s appearances have generally coincided with those of Elder Cloudfall, though the hozen did part company with the elder for some weeks to remain at Domination Point while Garrosh was back in Orgrimmar.
- Here’s a behind-the-scenes detail that many of you already know: Zhi-Zhi’s blog characterization is a blatant, overt, completely unambiguous reference to the Babylon-5 character Zathras. Several of Zhi-Zhi’s lines of dialogue are adapted or outright copied from Zathras, and a number of details in his comic portrayal were designed to draw in some way on Zathras’ appearance. RIP Tim Choate.
In his own words:
Describe your relationship with your mother or your father. Was it good? Bad? Were you spoiled rotten, ignored? Do you still get along now, or no?
Zhi-Zhi never knew mother. She died long ago in Valley of the Four Winds, in freak garden hoe accident. Zhi-Zhi’s father say mother died before Zhi-Zhi was born. Zhi-Zhi not sure that sounds right. Something about it doesn’t seem to add up, but then, mathematics not Zhi-Zhi’s skill.
Zhi-Zhi’s father, Zho-Zho, raised Zhi-Zhi and Zhi-Zhi’s nine brothers. Also named Zhi-Zhi. Or Zhi. Depending on whether passed test of strength and proven worth to tribe. Most of us have passed trial and earned name, but Zhi and Zhi haven’t yet. Oh, neither has Zhi.
Father named all his sons Zhi. Father…not very creative. But, he distinguished between brothers by pronouncing name slightly differently for each one. Very subtle differences. Usually very hard to notice. Even for us. Often took many months for us to figure out which pronunciations were different at all. Sometimes, brothers wouldn’t know until Zho-Zho called for one of us, and wrong brother would come. Then, much of time, Zho-Zho would throw sticks at us. Once, Zho-Zho throw sticks at Zhi-Zhi eleven times in one day for getting names wrong. That was right before Zhi-Zhi left to go live at Tian Monastery. Anyway, relationship with father was fine, Zhi-Zhi supposes.
Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from. If you don’t have any, is there a reason?
Ah, Zhi-Zhi has many scars. Many sparring sessions at monastery. Those were fine, mostly. With other students. Fine. For some reason, though, when newcomers start… um… coming new to Tian, they all want to fight Zhi-Zhi. Many weaponses. Much sharp. Luckily, monks at Tian are very knowledge for the healings, so Zhi-Zhi recover. Still, got very used to being target dummy. For some reason. Many beatings. Many scars. Afraid Zhi-Zhi cannot remember any one of them, individually. Newcomers also often hit Zhi-Zhi in head, you see. Very sad life.
Describe your happiest memory.
Ah! AH! Zhi-Zhi has very fine favorite memory! Wonderful memory. Much happiness. For however, memory has not actually happened yet, so Zhi-Zhi thinkses he perhaps should not talk about it much. Would not want to jinx. Zhi-Zhi very much lookings forward to when memory happens, though!
Who do you trust?
Zhi-Zhi trusts the One.
Can you define a turning point in your life? Multiples are acceptable.
Easy answer for Zhi-Zhi is the comings to Tian Monastery. Monks there, Elder Cloudfall leadings, they taking Zhi-Zhi in, for giving Zhi-Zhi chance to earn place for trainings. Much fightings, but no killings. Make Zhi-Zhi great grooker, without grookin’!
Real answer, howevers, a little later in comings. Zhi-Zhi successful in many fightings, and Elder Cloudfall take interest in training Zhi-Zhi. Teach Zhi-Zhi more than just grookings. Teach about the meditations, and calmings, teach Zhi-Zhi to control energy, teach Zhi-Zhi… what is word? Erm… Ah! Disciplines! Yes! Elder teach disciplines to Zhi-Zhi! Mostly. Zhi-Zhi still work on that some of times. But, Elder show Zhi-Zhi much. Teach Zhi-Zhi much. Give Zhi-Zhi knowledge. Give him focus. Give him vision. Zhi-Zhi grateful.
Is there an animal you equate to yourself?
<scratches head>
Zhi-Zhi not thinking of any animals being close for the lookings. Zhi-Zhi being hozen, not animal, silly wikket! This is strange question, Zhi-Zhi thinks.
What does your bed look like when you wake up? Are the covers off on one side of the bed, are they all curled around a pillow, sprawled everywhere? In what position do you sleep?
Zhi-Zhi not knowings what position Zhi-Zhi sleep in. Zhi-Zhi asleep at time. Also Zhi-Zhi never watched Zhi-Zhi sleep, since Zhi-Zhi not outside of Zhi-Zhi, so much difficultings for the watchings. Except for one time when Zhi-Zhi drank whole pitcher of Gaoquan’s I Know My Redeemer Liveth. Then Zhi-Zhi see self from outside. Outside self, and outside Pandaria. See Azeroth from space, Zhi-Zhi dids. Wikket know there is whole other side of Azeroth no one ever see what for not drinkings the pitcher of I Know My Redeemer Liveth? Zhi-Zhi see! On far side of world, is actually whole other… why you look funny at Zhi-Zhi? Is true! Ah well. Is what Zhi-Zhi saw after drinkings of the pitcher. Also knows what yellow smells like.
How do you react to temperature changes such as extreme heat and cold?
Zhi-Zhi not mind the cold. Come from long line of mountain climbers. Climb mountains up, up, up. Until slip on snow and fall, fall, fall. Sometimes hit head. Then the blurry times. So, do not mind cold, but not so crazy about snow. Is what Elder Cloudfall calls a conundrum.
Are you an early morning bird or a night owl?
Before Zhi-Zhi comes to monastery, Zhi-Zhi always stay up late, then sleep all afternoon. Normal way for doings in the forest. After joinings at Tian, Zhi-Zhi make needs for the early risings. Up the sun comes, so up the monks come. Very sad. Very unnatural. But, must be part of…ascetic monastic life. Thinking those were Elder Cloudfall’s smart words. Much the better to Elder Cloudfall’s angry words. Which Zhi-Zhi heard oftens when Elder catchings to Zhi-Zhi for nappings. Mostly angry words for the end to nappings, but also partly for the not meanings actually to bite the elder. Much apologizings. Still.
What does your desk/workspace look like? Are you neat or messy?
Ehh, organizations not Zhi-Zhi’s skill.
Do you have any irrational fears?
Zhi-Zhi doesn’t like standing around near tall structures. At least, ones that were built. Not trees. Zhi-Zhi likes trees. Would be hard life for Zhi-Zhi if Zhi-Zhi didn’t like trees, since Zhi-Zhi grew up in forest! Trees are good, natural tall things good, but things that were built to be tall, those make Zhi-Zhi nervous. Always feel like they might fall on Zhi-Zhi.
What would your cutie mark be?
Not sure of meanings. Question mark, maybe?
If you could time travel, where would you go?
Ah, question is not where Zhi-Zhi would go, but when! For the where, Zhi-Zhi would go where Zhi-Zhi has always gone, and always will go. All of us are havings a path. All our lives, follow the path. Sometimes we are not thinkings of our follows, but we follows it always. Even when we think not. Try to stray from path, sometimes, silly wikket. Think we veerings off it, think that we are with the outsmartings because our brains so big. No, no. Path only turn under our feet, stay with us. Path always there. Follows to us even when we think not to be followings to it. Is chicken and egg type thing, Zhi-Zhi thinkses. Maybe. Zhi-Zhi maybe not so good for the deep thinkings.
Zhi-Zhi not sure about the when for him goings. Maybe not matter. The if for your question not sensical, Zhi-Zhi thinkses. No if for time travel. We all travel in time. Just one direction. Slow. Except when we wish for slower. Then fast. Very sad. Still, we travel. It is the path. Always there. Just not seen. Like part of road, on other side of hill. Not for the seeing, but still there. Always there.
Sometimes, once in a many, maybe get to stand on hill and look to other side. But only a peek. Is fortunate, likelies.
Are you superstitious?
No, no, not super. Just regular stitious, Zhi-Zhi thinkses.
What might your ideal romantic partner be?
Wantses to fix Zhi-Zhi up? Much thanksings! Zhi-Zhi never have much luck with hozen women. Will take all the help Zhi-Zhi can get! Zhi-Zhi not picky. Just want nice, simple hozen girl who be nice to Zhi-Zhi. Not yell at Zhi-Zhi. Or hit Zhi-Zhi. Or run around behind Zhi-Zhi back with one of Zhi-Zhi’s brothers. That not happen to Zhi-Zhi before, but Zhi, hoooo, hook the dook ook, not for getting Zhi-Zhi started about Zhi. Whole dooken can of dook that was, believe Zhi-Zhi.
How do you smell? Do you wear perfume or cologne?
All rights, all rights. Zhi-Zhi gets hint. Will go to river now, take for the bathings. Much apologizings, Zhi-Zhi loses track of time sometimes. Forgets when come the Tuesdays.
Previous Profiles:
- Spazzle Fizzletrinket
- Ben-Lin Cloudstrider
- Dontrag and Utvoch
- Taktani
- Korrina
- Mylune
- Mokvar
- Ruekie
- Tirion Fordring
- Lady Liadrin
- Eitrigg
- Elder Cloudfall
[Time to mix things up! Or at least give you all the chance to chime in on who our next profile subject will be. So… vote in the poll below and chime in! The supporting character who comes out on top will feature in the next character profile Soon™…]
30 Days of Character Development #12: Elder Cloudfall
[Periodically, a post will profile one of the blog’s many supporting players. (See the first profile for more details.) Feel free to chime in with recommendations for other characters you’d like to see more about!]
Name: High Elder Cloudfall
Occupation: Master of Tian Monastery, monk trainer, former farmer, former carpenter, former fisherman, former shopkeeper, former basket weaver, former brewery security guard, former fur trader, former Shado-pan habidasher, former part-time elbow masseuse, former apprentice calligrapher, former substitute dog trainer
Race: Pandaren
Class: Monk
Age: 71
Group affiliations: Tian Monastery (high elder), Shado-pan (advisor, former employee)
Known relatives: None
First appearance: “Getting around with the Shado-pan”
Key posts and plot points:
- Garrosh met Elder Cloudfall during his first visit to Tian Monastery in “Getting around with the Shado-pan.” As he explained to Garrosh in “The geometry of shadows,” he had previously seen a vision of Garrosh that provided some hints about the destiny that awaited him. Cloudfall explained that both he and the hozen Zhi-Zhi had seen these visions of Garrosh at a mystical location that he described as a “vision cave,” where glimpses of the future could be seen. (It was these visions that prompted Zhi-Zhi to refer to Garrosh as “the One” upon first seeing him — both in our main timeline, and in the alternate one that appeared in the Timequake arc.)
- When Garrosh returned to Tian in “Moments of transition,” Cloudfall indicated that, according to his visions, Garrosh is “the one” who would usher in a rebirth of sorts for the Horde and unify its peoples behind a common purpose, though he was also quick to point out that, devoid of context, the glimmers of the future contained in the visions provided an incomplete and possibly unreliable picture.
- Cloudfall also offered to take Garrosh to a place where he might be able to garner some helpful insights on the “destiny” that awaits him — Kypari Zar, a name that Garrosh had heard before the Pandaria campaign had even begun, when, while visiting Shattrath with Lady Liadrin in “Dying of the light,” Garrosh received the telepathic warning from A’dal, “If you go to Kypari Zar, you will die.”
In his own words:
Describe your relationship with your mother or your father. Was it good? Bad? Were you spoiled rotten, ignored? Do you still get along now, or no?
My father, sadly, passed while I was still a cub. A regrettable cooking mishap involving a blowfish. My relationship with my mother was an interesting one — she was always helpful and supportive, but I cannot say we were particularly close. That is not to say that there were conflicts or tensions between us. Rather, her way of showing support was granting me a wide berth to find my own way in life. As a result, I spent many years wandering from one place to another, and drifted between a great many careers before finally — gradually — settling into the monastic life. In so doing, my mother taught me perhaps the greatest of life lessons, without speaking a word.
Name one scar you have, and tell us where it came from. If you don’t have any, is there a reason?
Alas, scars are difficult to identify under a layer of fur. On a more fortuitous note, fur also does a more than passable job of obscuring most wrinkles.
How vain are you? Do you find yourself attractive?
Now now, let’s not rush to hasty conclusions about my character on the basis of that comment about the wrinkles. At least I’m not one of the elder pandaren you will see on occasion who go to the trouble of dyeing their graying fur a darker shade. It is, in fact, a fairly laborious process, or so I’m told, especially around the eyes, and it’s very easy to leave patches uncovered that can prove quite telling. (Do not think you are fooling anyone, Lord Zhu.)
What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Color? Song? Flower?
Cinnamon rum. (They make a variety at the Drunken Hozen in Dawn’s Blossom that you simply must try. I have also heard good things about the Tigule and Foror ice cream that you have in your lands. I may have to try some one day.) Deep red. My favorite song is an old childhood favorite, Hero’s Hidden Face, about perseverance in the face of adversity. (And magic. As I child, I needed the magic to make it go down smoothly. I was not one for more contemplative themes as a cub.) Poppies of any description.
Who do you trust?
I trust all I encounter to be true to their innermost selves, so long as deceit does not prey upon them. And if I prove in error in my assessments, the fault lies not in them, but in my own misguided trust in my powers of judgment.
Are you an early morning bird or a night owl?
Both, in a way. I typically stay up quite late at night, but also rise at dawn. I compensate for the seeming lack of sleep by napping for a few hours in the late afternoon. While not conventional, I’ve found that I am most productive and energetic with two shorter periods of sleep than with one longer one.
Are there any blood relatives that you are particularly close with, besides the immediate ones? Cousins, uncles, grandfathers, aunts, etc. Are there any others that you practically consider a blood relative?
I am an only child, and while I had several aunts and uncles, they, like my parents, have all long since passed away. While I no longer have any blood relations as such, my colleagues at Tian Monastery have become like family to me, and I have come to think of my students there, many though they are, as my children of sorts.
What does your desk/workspace look like? Are you neat or messy?
One of the benefits of being the High Elder is that it affords one the option of delegating most desk work to less senior personnel.
Are you a good cook? What’s your favorite recipe?
Ah, you need not be coy, my friend. Clearly someone has told you about my famous green curry fish. No surprise, as it always proved popular on those occasions when I would prepare it as a surprise dinner for the monastery. The recipe has been in my family for three generations, and includes a few departures from the traditional green curry recipe that sets it quite apart. I’ll be only too happy to make some for you after our chat — don’t think for a moment, however, that you will bait me into giving away those secret ingredients!
What’s your preferred means of travel?
By necessity, I restrict my air travel to kite. I would very much have liked to master the art of cloud serpent riding — and, indeed, I raised a hatchling as my pet and companion when I was a much younger man — but sadly, I have never had a feel for it. Nevertheless, my efforts provided me with the companionship of Jinjo for many years. I still visit his resting place near the Shrine of Fellowship once each year on the anniversary of his hatching.
Are you superstitious?
How do we define “superstitious”? Very often, I find that “superstition” is used to refer to a belief in the possibility of something we do not know, rather than a strident adherence only to those things we have confirmed. “I do not know” is the beginning of all wisdom.
What might your ideal romantic partner be?
Oh, my friend, I am an old man now, and well past the interests in romance that fluttered through my thoughts in youth. I appreciate your admiration, but I must inform you that it isn’t going to happen.
Describe your hands. Are they small, long, calloused, smooth, stubby?
Covered with fur. And… slightly pudgy, I suppose. There are benefits to being High Elder, you see — first in line for the nightly buffet!
Previous Profiles:
- Spazzle Fizzletrinket
- Ben-Lin Cloudstrider
- Dontrag and Utvoch
- Taktani
- Korrina
- Mylune
- Mokvar
- Ruekie
- Tirion Fordring
- Lady Liadrin
- Eitrigg
Moments of transition
After the last straw that was Garona’s report the other day, I decided that enough was enough. I’d spent enough time flying half blind though everything and not calling in every possible resource. So today I took a trip back to Tian Monastery to get some answers out of that Elder Cloudfall guy about this “destiny” I’m supposed to have. This time I wasn’t taking no for an answer – if I had to beat some answers out of his cryptic panda ass, so be it.
I brought Ben-Lin along for the trip, since I figured she seemed to get along well enough with Cloudfall the last time, and maybe having her in tow might make it a little easier to bring him around. I also brought Taktani, to take her first crack at transcribing…and Gurtash, too…you know, just in case.
Luckily, this time, Cloudfall was out strolling around the grounds when we arrived, so we didn’t have to waste time tracking him down. So…over to Tak…
(We landed at the monastery place and everybody got all excited to see a pudgy fuzzy panda man going for a walk.)
GARROSH – It’s Elder Cloudfall! Yay!
GURTASH – Yay!
BEN-LIN – Yay!
TAKTANI – I don’t know who that is, but yay too!
CLOUDFALL – Hi, Mr. Warchief! It’s really good to see you again because I guess we’ve met before, only Tak wasn’t there for that. But I bet it was fun!
GARROSH – It was!
BEN-LIN – Lots of fun!
CLOUDFALL – Oh that’s good! I’m so glad I didn’t miss it!
TAKTANI – Aw, I guess I did miss it! I’m sorry I wasn’t there too!
CLOUDFALL – Me too!
GURTASH – Me too too!
BEN-LIN – But you’re here now, Tak!
TAKTANI – Yay!
GARROSH – Yay!
CLOUDFALL – Yay!
GARROSH – Well I’m sure super happy to see you again, Mr. Panda! Hold on a minute, I have to talk to Tak!
(So that’s when Mr. Warchief asked to look at my transcript to see how I was doing do far, and he got really mad for some reason and yelled at me, and I’m not going to write those things down because I don’t want to make Mr. Warchief look mean and then people might not like him as much. But he told me I should just try to write down exactly what everyone says, word for word, and not – oh here, I can just show you!)
GARROSH – So, yeah, Tak, you should just try to write down exactly what everyone says, word for word, and not do these…embellishments or translations into Tak-speak or whatever, okay?
(See? So I guess I’ll try to do that because I don’t want Mr. Warchief to get mad again, especially after some of the things he said he was going to do, they sound like they would hurt. But I don’t want you to think Mr. Warchief is mean! He probably just didn’t sleep too well and that’s why he’s grumpy. Maybe he needs a new bed because he maybe doesn’t sleep well a lot. Anyway I guess being a scribe is really serious so I’d better try to concentrate.)
CLOUDFALL – It’s a pleasure to welcome you once again to Tian. Lady Cloudstrider, and Gurtash, I believe?
BEN-LIN – The pleasure is mine, Elder.
GURTASH – Oh wow, you remember me?
CLOUDFALL – Indeed! I never forget a face, or a name.
GARROSH – Oh great, another guy with an uber-memory. Nothing ever goes wrong with those guys.
(I didn’t understand what that meant but Mr. Warchief gave me a mean look when he saw I was going to ask something. Maybe Mr. D and Mr. U can explain later.)
CLOUDFALL – One face is unfamiliar to me, however, Warchief Garrosh. Tell me, who is your feline friend?
GARROSH – Oh…yeah. Her. This is Taktani. She’s helping spot Gurtash a little as my scribe and record-keeper.
TAKTANI – Hi, Mr. Panda! It’s nice to meet you! You can call me Tak! Or Tak-Tak, if that’s the way—
GARROSH – Don’t get started on that shit again.
TAKTANI – But Mr. Warchief, I just—
GARROSH – Anyway, she’s kind of in her trial period. Her really, really tenuous trial period.
CLOUDFALL – Ah, well, I’m sure she’ll perform admirably.
GARROSH – That’s because this is your first time meeting her.
( 🙁 )
CLOUDFALL – In any case, I should provide an introduction in kind. You all remember our hozen friend, I’m sure.
(Oh I forgot to mention there was a monkey man, like the one at our fort, walking with Mr. Panda!)
CLOUDFALL – Taktani, allow me to introduce Zhi-Zhi.
ZHI-ZHI – Much pleasings to be making your acquaintances.
TAKTANI – Your name is Zhi-Zhi, Mr. Monkey?
ZHI-ZHI – The emphasizings should be on the first syllable, but yes.
TAKTANI – So we do say everyone’s name twice here!
BEN-LIN – No, Taktani, we say people’s names normally here. It is simply a naming tradition among some of the hozen.
TAKTANI – Oh, I think that’s what Mr. D and Mr. U were telling me before.
GARROSH – I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but yeah, Dontrag and Utvoch were right. So…congratulations, universe. You win again.
BEN-LIN – Oh, is that who “Mr. D and Mr. U” are?
GARROSH – Yeah, Ben. You’ve met them?
BEN-LIN – Briefly, yes. I only was able to speak with them for a short time before I needed to go due to the mysterious onset of a terrible headache.
TAKTANI – I’m sorry you didn’t feel good. Are you better now, Ms. Ben-Lin-Lin?
BEN-LIN – I am, thank you.
TAKTANI – Or is it Ms. Ben-Ben-Lin?
BEN-LIN – Although I believe it may be returning.
GARROSH – Tak, just zip it and try to focus on the scribing, okay?
TAKTANI – Okay, Mr. War-war-chief-chief. Chief.
GARROSH – THAT’S NOT HOW NAMES WORK HERE.
BEN-LIN – It is a curious thing, Garrosh: there are times when I would swear that you are, in fact, heroically even-tempered.
GURTASH – (leans over to me) Make sure you get that down.
CLOUDFALL – Zhi-Zhi, while our guests are here, why don’t you take Gurtash’s mount to the stable. Do you have your wyvern with you as well, Warchief Garrosh?
GARROSH – Mortimer? No, not here with us.
(Elder Cloudfall waved to Mr. Zhi, and Mr. Zhi led Gurtash’s wyvern away.)
CLOUDFALL – I’m surprised, Warchief. You seemed rather attached to the animal; I would have thought you would bring him with you.
GARROSH – Well, I rode him out here for the trip. But there was a pond with some cranes nearby and so I figured I’d let him go do some hunting for lunch while we were here.
CLOUDFALL – Oh…Warchief Garrosh, I’m not sure if that was wise. The Jade Forest is full of predators.
GARROSH – And?
CLOUDFALL – Well…are you not worried that your wyvern will be harmed?
(Mr. Warchief and Gurtash turned and looked at each other for a minute, and then they both burst out laughing really hard. Mr. Warchief laughed so hard he had to lean on Gurtash and I think he even cried a little.)
GARROSH – Yeah, we…we better go find him.
GURTASH – (barely getting the words out between laughs) He might be in trouble, Captain!
GARROSH – From all those predators!
CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh?
GARROSH – I love you pandas. Don’t ever change.
CLOUDFALL – Ah. Well then…to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit today?
GARROSH – Yeah, right, down to business. It’s pretty simple, Elder. We all know you and monkey boy have seen something about my future in those…whatever…vision caves or whatever you called them. Last time I was here, I let you squirm out being all cryptic and evasive, but I need answers, and this time around you’re going to give them to me.
CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, surely you cannot expect me to lay out your future for you. Nothing has changed since—
GARROSH – Listen, Lunchbox, last time you told me that when I was “ready,” we would meet again. Well check it out, here we are, meeting again, and believe me, I’m ready as all fuck.
CLOUDFALL – You may be ready to hear, Warchief, but I still question whether you are ready to meet the fate before you.
GARROSH – How about you let ME worry about that, Deep-Dish? Tell me what you’ve seen, for starters, and we’ll take it from there.
CLOUDFALL – It’s not as simple as you would presume. You don’t understand the nature of the visions.
GARROSH – Illuminate me.
(Mr. Cloudfall just stared at Mr. Warchief all serious for a minute. I hope he’s not getting a headache too!)
CLOUDFALL – Let me try to explain this, Warchief Garrosh. The visions I spoke of provide a piece of the future, but they do not spell out events step by step. They are fragments – as if you were to look at a painting, but only see the reds and yellows, but not the blues or greens. They are pieces without context.
GARROSH – “Context”? Are you serious? You’re going to stonewall me over fucking CONTEXT?
CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, context is the solitary line that separates an act of barbarism from an act of kindness. Even were I of a mind to tell you—
GARROSH – Listen to me. You only just met us, so I don’t expect you to understand what’s at stake here. So yeah, you know what? Context. So let me explain this to you. You want to dance around what the future holds? My people are in the middle of a war to DETERMINE their future. And you do NOT want to know what I’ve already sacrificed trying to secure it. And meanwhile, I’ve got the people who are supposedly on MY side in all this running around behind my back, undermining me at every turn, cutting deals with my worst fucking enemies for what reasons I can’t even guess. I NEED TO KNOW what the fuck is going on with all this.
CLOUDFALL – (sighs) To know anyone’s fate is a dangerous prospect, but to know one’s own—
GARROSH – Are you worried about spoilers, Gramps? Well, here, maybe this will help – I’ve already been spoiled. I’ve already had one person take a peek into my future and come back with a report. He told me “they” were going to turn against me. And now it looks like he was right, only maybe he wasn’t. I don’t fucking KNOW. And I’m trying to look out for an entire fucking CIVILIZATION, and THESE are the things I’m having to spend my time thinking about.
(Mr. Panda got very quiet and mostly just looked at the ground. I think maybe he didn’t want to make Mr. Warchief any more upset. Or maybe he was sad to hear lots of people are being mean to Mr. Warchief. That’s not very nice even if he does get grumpy sometimes.)
GARROSH – Listen, I get that you’re worried about giving away too much, or telling me things that I’m not going to be able to make sense of. But there’s got to be some chunk of it that I can latch on to. Give me SOMETHING.
CLOUDFALL – I wasn’t lying when I said that the visions were mere fragments. Incomplete – not least of all because the events surrounding them are still in motion, still in flux…
GARROSH – How about this, then. You and monkey boy both said I have a destiny. The first time I met Chimps, he kept calling me “the one.” Let’s start there. What the fuck was he talking about?
(The Elder man got quiet again and rubbed his chin while he stared down for a minute.)
CLOUDFALL – You…are the one who brings the peoples of the Horde together under a common cause. The one who sets in motion the events that bring about the emergence of a new Horde, a rebirth…
(Mr. Warchief looked all happy and proud. I don’t blame him! He’s going to be a hero! Yay!)
GARROSH – Okay, so, why in the FUCK would you not want to tell me THAT future?
CLOUDFALL – Because you don’t know how you get there.
(Uh oh, Mr. Warchief got all serious again and looked at Mr. Panda all impatient.)
GARROSH – And…?
CLOUDFALL – And neither do I.
GARROSH – You’re about to get cryptic on me again, aren’t you?
CLOUDFALL – I’ve seen the reds and the yellows of your future, Warchief Garrosh, and I know that you stand upon a fulcrum: the choices you will make in the days ahead will determine how your destiny takes shape. For now, I do not know the shape of that future or where it will take you. I know only that it is born in pain.
GARROSH – Yep, I called that one.
CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh?
GARROSH – Whatever. The important thing is, as long as I know the Horde comes out strong on the other side of this, I’m ready to deal with whatever pain it takes to get there.
CLOUDFALL – No.
GARROSH – What?
CLOUDFALL – I wasn’t lying about that last time, either. You’re not ready for what’s coming. (pauses, thinking) But…I think I can help you. If you’re willing to face the shadows I once told you weighed upon your steps.
GARROSH – If I say yes, will there be a point where this doubletalk of yours starts to make sense?
CLOUDFALL – It may. And if it doesn’t, you’ll be no worse off than you are now, I suspect.
GARROSH – I’m all ears.
CLOUDFALL – This is not something I can tell you, but a journey I believe I can guide you on. There is a place, far from here, where you may be able to see for yourself, and begin to face your destiny.
GARROSH – Man, you pandas really do love to lay it on thick, don’t you? You’re on, though. Where to?
* Garrosh received this message from A’dal here, while accompanying Liadrin to Shattrath.
Krasarang reunions
Construction is coming along quickly here at Domination Point. That’s what we’re calling the new outpost, by the way – pretty badass, right? Thought of it myself. Anyway, we’re making good progress getting the place built. Warlord Zaela sent some of her Dragonmaw construction crew with us, and as any of you who were there will remember, a couple years ago when the Dragonmaw joined the Horde, they got Dragonmaw Port rebuilt FAST. As opposed to, say, the goblin contractors who STILL haven’t quite finished the job in Orgrimmar. Which is really pretty ridiculous at this point. I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it’s going to be if Orgrimmar comes under siege, and we STILL haven’t finished fixing the place from the LAST major problem?
So that’s coming along. While we work on getting the base built and securing the area, I’ve also been keeping Gurtash and the rest of the DPS busy gathering food. Turns out there’s an island close by that’s practically swarming with these huge cranes that have enough breast meat on them to feed half a regiment. They’re a little big for the kids, but it’s been good practice for them working as a team. Also, as part of the Pandaria landing team, I’d brought three of the Mag’har’s best blademasters from Nagrand: Ishi, Burzum, and Krimpatul. So I’ve been having the three of them take turns going out with the DPS when they go hunting, just to keep an eye on them. The kids seem to be hitting it off with Krimp especially. He’s got the gruff lovable mentor thing going for him. Kind of like me.
In other news, General Nazgrim and his team arrived here today. Which was a good thing – one, because Nazgrim is always good in a fight, but two, because that gave me a chance to ask some pointed questions based on Krog’s reports on a certain former captive of theirs.
Case in point: How exactly Nazgrim and his crew managed to turn this:
…into this:
The extent of Nazgrim’s response pretty much consisted of “Oh, so, um, you heard about that, huh?”
One other part of Nazgrim’s arrival, though – along with his regular crew like Kiryn and Shokia, he also brought one of those monkey people he’d recruited back in the Jade Forest, a hozen named Tak-Tak who’s going to be helping our flightmaster Kromthar. And here’s the thing. This was the first time I’d met a hozen…only it wasn’t. Some of you might remember – a few months ago, when time was going all wonky and I was flashing into that alternate reality, I met a monkey-like creature, name of Zhi-Zhi. Who’d been found washed ashore after the destruction of his home in the southern islands. It was the first time I’d ever seen a creature like him…but he seemed to know a thing or two about me.
And so THAT was the first time I ever met a hozen – only now, those events never happened. Except I still remember them. FUCKING TIME TRAVEL. Head hurts.
So after Nazgrim introduced me to Tak-Tak, I pulled Monkey Boy aside and tried picking his tiny little brain some. He said most of the mountain hozen up north were pretty hostile, same for the hozen on the islands to the east of here. According to him, the only hozen who’ve managed to shill at all – and from what I can tell, “chill” would be a VERY relative term – would be the forest hozen where he’d come from. Most of those, he says, have stayed in villages like Grookin Hill, but some individuals have gone off to live with the pandaren in one place or another. He rattled off a few places some of them had gone, and most of the names blurred together, but then one stuck out – a place in the Jade Forest called the Tian Monastery. That one rang a tiny little bell. When we get a little breathing room, I may need to pay them a visit over that way.
Anyhow, back to work. I’ll keep you posted on news as it happens, assuming my internet stays up.
When we last left Krog…
So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday. I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working. And you know how that goes, right? “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.
As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is. So that was fun. I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.
I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay. And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.
Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday. So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria. You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin. When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart. And so…
begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.
I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?
alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly. i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery. meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed. eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.
good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.
good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.
Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news. Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling. Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.
bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.
…
I… He… They…
Hang on.
…
…
…
Sorry. I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.
How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”? What the fuck does that even MEAN? What confusion? The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there? Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?
I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.
welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.
Okay, credit where it’s due. Dude knows me.
hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled. not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces. likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.
standing by for further orders.
Invasion incoming
In light of the reports coming in from both Nazgrim and Krog from Pandaria, I decided we need to step up preparations for a full-scale military operation there. Nazgrim’s been holding his own reasonably well under the circumstances…well, he WAS until this last report, anyway, and then…well, you know. Point is, he’s been trying to keep it together down there, but it’s about time we gave our general an honest-to-goodness army to work with.
So, earlier today I held a strategy session to make plans to send a full invasion force to Pandaria. We had the usual suspects there — Eitrigg, Malkorok, Mokvar to take notes. Malkorok had his lieutenant Rak’gor Bloodrazor sit in for the planning. Plus…an extra unexpected attendee, who…well, you’ll see.
Cut to the transcript.
GARROSH: First, a status update. The latest from Nazgrim is that he and his people are licking their wounds from a major battle with the Alliance forces down there. They’ve moved from the Jade Forest to a town in the northern mountains while they recover. Most of them, anyway.
EITRIGG: Are Nazgrim and his team all right?
GARROSH: Scratched up but still kicking, from what I gather. Always hard to tell with Nazgrim — he’ll never let on if he’s really hurt. You know him.
MALKOROK: I assume our forces were victorious against the Alliance dogs, as they’re alive to tell the tale?
GARROSH: Not so much. The battle was basically a stalemate.
MALKOROK: You mean to say, Warchief, that that fool Nazgrim failed not only to defeat a depleted Alliance force, but even to go down fighting like an orc? And now he has the audacity to report this disgrace from the comfort of some remote bed while he nurses his wounds like a human?
EITRIGG: Considering what Nazgrim seems to have had to work with…
MALKOROK: And now you defend his incompetence, old man?
GARROSH: Well hey, look, Malkorok. Believe me, I’m all for being tough on the troops and all that, but to be fair, Nazgrim DID lose most of his actual Horde soldiers in the crash of the Hellscream’s Fist.
MALKOROK: And proceeded to offset those losses by recruiting from among the locals, did he not?
GARROSH: Yeah, but look at the locals. I mean, dude, you know how I’m always saying it’s like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys working for me? <scans around the room> No offense. But yeah, Nazgrim? LITERALLY had a bunch of trained monkeys to work with.
MALKOROK: What about the Alliance?
GARROSH: What about them?
MALKOROK: The Alliance reportedly took heavy losses and drew support from the natives as well. Who did they have fighting for them?
EITRIGG: <scanning notes> I think Krog included something about this in one of his reports…
GARROSH: Something with a “J,” I think.
MOKVAR: Jinyu.
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s it, jinyu.
MOKVAR: <paging through reports> Which…from the way Krog describes them…would be a race of…sort of…king-size murlocs.
GARROSH: <blinks, then rubs forehead> …The FUCK is Nazgrim doing down there?
MALKOROK: You see?
EITRIGG: Do we know anything else about the battle with the Alliance? I will grant, it doesn’t sound like Nazgrim to flee the battlefield…
GARROSH: Nazgrim’s report was pretty sketchy on the details there. I’ve gotten some extra intel from Krog to fill it out some, though. Looks like the battle between Nazgrim’s monkeys and the Alliance fish men…
Garrosh trails off, then stares into the distance for a moment.
EITRIGG: Warchief?
MOKVAR: Garrosh?
Garrosh shakes his head and pulls his attention back.
GARROSH: Yeah. Sorry. I just heard myself saying that last part and had to take a minute to be sad. Where was I?
MOKVAR: Monkeys versus fish men.
GARROSH: Yeah. Monkeys versus fish men. So according to— I mean seriously, doesn’t that sound like a bad videogame or something?
MOKVAR: Just watch, if Spazzle isn’t coding that already, he will as soon as he reads this.
GARROSH: I know, right?
EITRIGG: Warchief…focus, please.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, okay… So… <sighs> …monkeys versus fish men. Which I guess took place at the foot of this huge statue in a place called Serpent’s Heart. From what I can gather, the battle was pretty even, which is kind of depressing in itself, considering, when it was broken up by the arrival of this giant black monster. Which basically wiped out both sides and left the survivors fucked up and scattered.
MALKOROK: What kind of monster could take out both armies?
GARROSH: From what Krog reported, it…
Vol’jin enters.
Hang on. What are YOU doing here, troll?
VOL’JIN: I heard dere was a meetin’ going’ on, mon. I figured mah invitation musta got lost in da mail.
GARROSH: Uh, yeah, as if I would have sent YOU an invitation for these planning sessions…
VOL’JIN: Ya see now, mon? Ya be tinkin’ a me as such a good friend, I don’ even be needin’ an invitation! Dat’s why everybody loves ya, mon.
GARROSH: <rubbing forehead> What. Do you WANT. Vol’jin?
VOL’JIN: I hear ya be plannin’ an invasion in Pandaria, mon, and I be here ta keep an eye on what ya be doin’.
GARROSH: Keep an eye on me? I don’t answer to you, troll, nor do I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, so if you’re here to make life difficult, you can just head back to your island now.
VOL’JIN: I be da leader of da Darkspear, mon, an’ I got a right ta know what da Horde be doin’.
MALKOROK: You know I can easily take care of—
GARROSH: Not now, Malkorok. <grumbles> Fine. You can sit in, Vol’jin. TRY not to make yourself into too much of a toothache.
VOL’JIN: Oh don’cha be worryin’ ’bout me, mon. Ya won’t even know I be here. It’ll be like I be invisible.
Garrosh stares at Vol’jin for a long moment, then exchanges several pensive glances with Eitrigg and Mokvar. He looks back to Vol’jin again and eyes him for another moment.
GARROSH: Okay, well—
VOL’JIN: Like da Lich King’s horse!
GARROSH: Just SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, Vol’jin.
VOL’JIN: Sure, mon.
Vol’jin takes a seat at the conference table next to Malkorok. Malkorok glances at him and sneers; Vol’jin answers with an exaggerated grin.
GARROSH: So as I was saying, like an hour ago…about the creature at Serpent’s Heart. Apparently it was something the pandas call a “sha” — sort of a demon that feeds off of powerful emotions.
VOL’JIN: <eyes narrow> You don’ say, mon…
MALKOROK: Hmm…interesting… I wonder if our warlocks could influence these sha. If they’re strong enough to take down two armies, they could be a powerful resource if harnessed…
VOL’JIN: Dat be some bad mojo ya talkin’ ’bout, mon.
MALKOROK: I thought you were going to be quiet, troll.
MOKVAR: He’s right, though — these sha don’t sound like something we want to risk meddling with.
EITRIGG: As it stands, I’m already troubled enough by some reports I’ve seen of demonic summoning by some of the initial fleet…
MOKVAR: Wait, seriously?
MALKOROK: You two would have our warlocks not avail themselves of all the power at their disposal for the benefit of the Horde?
MOKVAR: Didn’t “our warlocks” get themselves into enough trouble already “availing” themselves of demonic power?
MALKOROK: Yes, let’s have the scribe lecture us on the proper conduct of warlocks.
MOKVAR: I used to be a warlock.
MALKOROK: Oh, that’s right, you were, weren’t you? Then by all means continue, scribe. Tell us more about the evils of seeking power through demonology.
Mokvar looks back to his notes awkwardly.
GARROSH: Look, the fact is, Nazgrim doesn’t have the people or the resources to establish a strong Horde presence in Pandaria or prevent the Alliance from doing the same. I already have ships being prepared for a large-scale incursion. The southern coast of Pandaria has a few locations that sound like they’d be well-suited for a base. We can scout a specific spot while we finish gathering troops and equipment for the trip.
EITRIGG: Grizzle Gearslip of the Bilgewater goblins says the construction team should have siege engines ready within a week or so.
GARROSH: Well tell me this — when he says “a week or so,” does he mean a WEEK OR SO “week or so,” or is this a maybe-in-your-lifetime “week or so” like when those goblins “week or so”-ed their estimate on rebuilding the Orgrimmar ramparts after the Cataclysm? Which they STILL haven’t finished two years later, by the way.
VOL’JIN: So we be doin’ dis, eh mon? Bringin’ da war to dis new land?
MALKOROK: The war has already been brought, troll. We now bring only victory.
GARROSH: Once the equipment and siege engines are ready, it’s just a matter of lining up troop deployments.
MALKOROK: Most able-bodied adults not otherwise committed to important duties have been conscripted for service, Warchief. Rak’gor and I are in the process of assigning veteran supervisors to the new trainee program as well.
EITRIGG: What trainee program is this? I haven’t heard anything about it.
MALKOROK: Nor would you. It’s a Kor’kron program.
EITRIGG: I didn’t realize the Kor’kron operated in secret now. Has Saurfang adopted some new policy?
MALKOROK: <visibly annoyed> The program…is for recruiting and training of orcish youth for service to the Horde, as per the Warchief’d edict after the Northwatch Hold…events.
EITRIGG: Orcish youth? What age do you mean?
MALKOROK: I shouldn’t need to tell you the traditional age of passage, old man. Fourteen — the age a youth is fit to take a blade for the honor of his clan.
VOL’JIN: By da spirits, mon, dey be children!
MALKOROK: A boy is a man the day he can slay a foe in defense of home and kin, troll. I wouldn’t expect you to understand such things.
VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, I really don’ get out much. Ya know, I don’ get invited to da cool kid parties.
GARROSH: Can’t imagine why.
MALKOROK: Nevertheless…don’t make it out as if the trainees are being handed swords and pushed blindly onto a battlefield — they are being trained and guided by some of our finest warriors. If anything, this is an honor.
GARROSH: Fourteen, though, huh? I thought it was fifteen.
MALKOROK: No, Warchief, fourteen.
GARROSH: Are you certain? I’m pretty sure it was always fifteen back in Nagrand.
MALKOROK: No, sir. I suppose that might have been a regional difference?
GARROSH: Huh, okay. Fourteen, then.
VOL’JIN: I don’ be likin’ da sound a dis, mon. Not one bit a it. Draggin’ our war into other people’s lands, roundin’ up children ta make inta soldiers…
GARROSH: Well imagine my surprise, Vol’jin. Imagine my complete and total SHOCK to see YOU griping and complaining about what I’m doing. You know, I might actually LISTEN to some of these objections of yours if you didn’t object to EVERY SINGLE THING I do.
VOL’JIN: Maybe if ya listened once in a while before ya did dese tings, mon, ya wouldn’t have to listen to people complainin’ after ya did ’em.
MALKOROK: I don’t hear anyone complaining except for you, troll. Other than that simpering tauren you usually have leading you by the nose. I’m half surprised he’s not here as well.
VOL’JIN: I drew da short straw, mon.
GARROSH: All right, enough of this. Both of you quiet down. It’s settled — we’re moving ahead with the Pandaria plan and getting ready for a departure within the next few weeks. And TROLL, get this into your head: this is happening. And I have no intention of listening to you bellyache every step of the way.
VOL’JIN: Don’cha worry ’bout dat, mon. If dere be one ting I know by now, it’s dat you ain’t gonna listen.
GARROSH: Damn right. You’re finally getting it. Okay then… I think that covers everything. I have another meeting I need to get to in the Drag in a few. For now, let’s get things rolling gathering materials and finalizing troop assignments for the invasion. Oh, and Eitrigg?
EITRIGG: Yes, sir?
GARROSH: When we compile the final roster, for the love of the spirits, make sure Dontrag and Utvoch aren’t on the list.
EITRIGG: Yes, sir.
GARROSH: There are going to be enough potential headaches as it is on this mission — the last thing I’m going to need it THOSE two yammering in my ear.
VOL’JIN: Oh, hey, mon…
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake… What now?
VOL’JIN: You talkin’ bout dem two orcs who got to Orgrimmar late after da Theramore raid?
GARROSH: Yeah, you know them?
VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, dey came by da Echo Isles after dat. Dey was getting deyselves all confused, mon.
GARROSH: “Confused” has a short ramp-up time for them.
VOL’JIN: No, but listen, mon — dey was like, “It be de Echo Isles, right? Den how come we can’t hear an echo when we talk?” An’ dey kep’ tryin’ ta yell stuff into da air to see if dey could get an echo!
GARROSH: <chortles> Oh…dude…that’s like the time I was saying something to them about Razorfen Kraul, and they were like, “So do all the quillboar there crawl? We thought they knew how to walk upright. Is it some kind of a rule there?”
VOL’JIN: <laughing> Ya better not let dem go to da Howling Fjord, mon, dey might tink dey’re losing dey hearing ’cause dey don’ hear da howling!
GARROSH: <chuckling> Well hell, you should have seen them the first time they saw Thousand Needles. “Are you sure it’s a thousand of them? I only counted like 60. Did we miss some?”
VOL’JIN: <laughs more> You shoulda told ’em we switched to da metric system, mon.
Garrosh guffaws, leaning against the table. Vol’jin laughs heartily as well and wipes a tear from one eye. After another moment spent laughing, Garrosh and Vol’jin look up at each other and both of their faces fade into uneasy expressions.
GARROSH: <scowls> Fucking troll.
VOL’JIN: <aside, muttering> Don’ blame me, mon, I voted for da basic campfire…
Garrosh and Vol’jin both get up and stomp out of the room in opposite directions.
Choose your own adventurer
I have some new updates from Pandaria. General Nazgrim reports that he’s making good progress shaping the forest hozen into a viable fighting force, and they’re getting ready to square off against the Alliance forces that have been up to something in the southern part of the Jade Forest. On the down side, Nazgrim’s had one more casualty — Sergeant Garrok was lost during a scouting mission, something involving an old crone in the woods. Not too clear on the details. Still, given my own history with crones, I know how much trouble they can be.
Meanwhile, I have a new update from Krog on his investigations down south. And…yeah, he’s as high maintenance as he was last time, what with needing his hand held for every decision. Seriously, it’s like he’s afraid to make any decision by himself for fear I’m going to do something to him if he makes a wrong call. Like he thinks I have a temper or something. I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR THAT, INSOLENT ROGUE. Heh. See what I did there?
Anyway. I think I’ve come up with a solution for Krog’s constant need for guidance, but first things first — here’s an excerpt from the report he e-mailed me, to give you an idea on where things stand:
found the wreckage of the bladefist reaper and stygian scar off the southern shore. the initial landing force had established a port outpost which has since been neutralized by the alliance — notes that i found indicate they had named the outpost “garrosh’ar point”. on the coast near one of the docks, bodies of several dozen of the ships’ grunts have washed up. several more found floating at sea. all the bodies i inspected were unarmed and riddled full of bullets. based on the condition and placement of the bodies relative to the coast, i believe the crews were attempting to swim to shore from the sinking ships when alliance forces picked them off in the water.
I don’t know why anything surprises me with the Alliance anymore. Unarmed men swimming for their lives, and the humans see fit to mow them down. Remind me again how good and pure and noble they are. And they call us savages.
further along the shore, i also located the wreckage of the original alliance flagship. aboard, found royals banners and the body of a stormwind soldier wearing the trappings of a royal bodyguard. appears likely that among the ship’s crew was a member of the royal family — since we know varian was in stormwind at last check, it would appear that prince anduin is somewhere in pandaria. this confirmed by papers i retrieved from a sole alliance operative i intercepted at nearby hozen camp. uncertain at this point if alliance have recovered the prince or if he is still at large somewhere.
alliance also appears to be making inroads with one of the local tribes of jinyu — fish-like humanoids. kind of what you would get if you crossed a human with a murloc.
Oh good. Two of my very favorite species blended together into one economy pack of fail. I think I’ll be passing many a cold winter night warming my heart with the slow execution of some of these fish people…
indications from garrosh’ar point are that surviving horde forces relocated to nearby fortress called twinspire keep. alliance appear to have made contact with pandren locals in paw’don village in addition to jinyu located at pearlfin village.
Okay, so here’s the part where Krog defaults to his needy-ass self, asking for directions on what to do next. And here’s where my idea comes in, to save myself a few headaches. Now see, personally I already have more than enough decisions to make and enough things to think about, but it occurs to me that maybe all of you — my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS — might enjoy the chance to take a more hands-on role in guiding some of our efforts in Pandaria. So, here’s your chance. It’s simple enough: what do YOU say Krog should do next?
So — keep checking back here, chime in to make our puppet dance, help the Horde effort in Pandaria, and be entertained all at once. It’s win-win, and full of win. YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN.
Pandaren excursions
A few updates on the ongoing events in Pandaria.
First and foremost, keep those reports coming. Some of you have posted some information on your reconnaissance in Pandaria in the comments of my original call for intelligence, some have written to me directly – I’m planning to address some of the write-in reports in this Monday’s mailbag, so be sure to get your contributions in pronto. Keep it all coming, especially those letters for this coming week.
Your reports are going to be important while I suss out our tactics in the new territories, especially since our new panda recruits are turning out to be a little less helpful in that regard than I’d hoped. I’d just figured that they could provide a lot of inside information on Pandaria what with, you know, them being freaking PANDAREN, but as it turns out, the pandas who lived on the Wandering Isle were a whole separate bunch who haven’t really had much contact with mainland Pandaria for generations…so other than a few very general cultural insights, they’re as much in the dark as I am. Way to ingratiate yourself to me right off the bat there, Ji.
I’ve gotten a brief update from General Nazgrim. He says he’s making inroads recruiting one of the local hozen tribes to fight on our side. Whatever the fuck a “hozen” is. Still, more troops will only help, especially considering Nazgrim doesn’t have too many of his own people left after the Hellscream’s Fist got turned into the Hellscream’s Flaming Pile of Toothpicks and Corpses. (Or as Shademaster Kiryn would probably call it, “a pit roast waiting to happen.”) I’m still not sure how Nazgrim managed not to notice that the Alliance had an air base down there. He seemed kind of evasive about that whole part of the episode, so I may need to do some following up there.
Speaking of which. Since we’ve got a bunch of questions hanging over the entire situation down there, I decided to get some official sleuthing going. Early yesterday, I dispatched Krog to Pandaria to start investigating what happened to the original Horde fleet, the one that had chased the Alliance flagship down and ran it aground. Krog had been doing some undercover work on a few loose ends in the recent Razor Hill incident, but for time being I’ve pulled him off of that case to send him to Pandaria. I’m having him file regular reports on his progress with the invesitation. Hopefully he’ll be able to find some answers.
And all that sounds fine in theory. One problem: all of Krog’s previous detective work was in pretty familiar territory – Dustwallow Marsh, the Barrens, Razor Hill, etc. Get the dude out of his element, and combine that with me stressing that I want answers and not fuck-ups, and the guy turns into a big worrier who won’t make a move without double checking with me. Should I report to General Nazgrim’s camp or go straight to the last known location of the fleet? he asks me. I tell him to go right for the fleet. Should I send word to Nazgrim at all that I’m there? Don’t worry about Nazgrim’s team, they’ve got their own thing going. Should I search the remains of our ships first or the remains of the port? Dude, surprise me, okay? It’s like I’m at an annoying deli or some shit. Do you want white or wheat? Cheese or no? Mustard, ketchup, or mayo? Mustard, you say? Brown or yellow? Do you want a side of fries with that or onion rings? Or chips? How about a pickle? I JUST WANT A FUCKING SANDWICH before I gnaw my own fucking ARM off, OKAY?
So yeah. Ugh. Updates to follow. Aren’t we all lucky?
Word from the field
Pandaria!
I’ve just gotten my first reports back from General Nazgrim, and it turns out that that huge landmass they found in the southern ocean is Pandaria! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? I’d heard stories about Pandaria, but I just kind of figured that’s all they were — stories. And sure, Rexxar would swear up and down about the adventures he had with Chen Stormstout, but I mean, come on, you get to that part about all the beer they had, and you’re going to tell me you’re not going to sit there and think, “Ah, so THAT’S why he thinks he did all this shit”?
But no, turns out, it’s all for real. I just received my first report from Nazgrim. Not all the news is good — apparently, by the time Nazgrim arrived with the Hellscream’s Fist, the Alliance had already established a base there and destroyed the port that had been established by OUR initial naval force. On the plus side, Nazgrim and his people took out the Alliance base at Thunder Hold — although Nazgrim seemed pretty sketchy on some of the details — and have secured a portion of the Jade Forest while forging relations with some of the pandaren and another native race called the hozen. On the minus side, before Nazgrim was able to overthrow the Alliance forces, they were able to shoot down the Hellscream’s Fist, killing a large portion of Nazgrim’s troops in the process. Right now he’s working with a team consisting of Sergeant Garrok, marksman Shokia, Shademaster Kiryn, chief engineer Rivett Clutchpop, and a few elite Horde adventurers who’d volunteered for the mission and — as usual — were just too damn tough to wind up killed.
Meanwhile I also have a report from Korga Strongmane. He and a number of our other people were captured by the Alliance during the initial skirmishes in Pandaria. The Alliance sent a gunship to transport the prisoners back to Stormwind, but good ol’ Korga and the others staged an uprising on the airship and wound up crashing it on a nearby island called the Wandering Isle. From what he tells me in his report, he’s won the trust and support of some of the pandaren who live on the island, and he’s arranging for several of them to come to Orgrimmar to pledge themselves to the Horde. NOW we’re in business — if the stories about Pandaria are real, then maybe some of the stories about the pandaren and their crazy-ass martial arts skills are too. This should be fun to see.
Meanwhile, I’m still going to need more information on what’s going on out there, so everybody keep those reports coming. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the Alliance are up to no good down there, and I STILL want to find out what happened to Captain Krug and the original fleet.
More details soon.
