Tag Archives: lemon squares
Orc Lemon Squares
Today’s entry for Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge! This one is inspired by a repeated suggestion from the last few days, involving my Greatmother’s famous (previously secret) recipe, and the meddling tree who publicized it and forced me to institute whole new culinary policies a while back. Remember to make suggestions for next time in your comments!
Edenvale –
She’s a tree.
Edenvale –
Don’t you see?
Edenvale’s a tree,
I see.
Edenvale,
She had a scare –
She saw Garrosh
Over there.
“Oh no! Garrosh!”
Cried the tree.
“Please don’t kill me!
Let me be!
I’m your friend!
Yes! I swear!
Please don’t kill me,
Garrosh-There!”
“Don’t you fret
Your sappy head!
I won’t kill you,”
Garrosh said.
“No? You won’t?”
“Oh no,” he said.
“Or you already
Would be dead!”
“Oh,” she said,
The silly tree.
“Then, what do you want
With me?”
He came closer,
Garrosh-There.
And he said,
“I’m here to share.”
“Here to share,
Garrosh-There?”
“Here to share,”
Said Garrosh-There.
“Are you okay?”
Asked the tree.
“That doesn’t sound like you,”
Said she.
“Yeah, I know.
It kind of sucks.
But I figure,
What the fuck.
Greatmother says
I should share –
I should share
Her lemon squares.
So since Greatmother
Says to share,
I will try,”
Said Garrosh-There.
“So,” he said,
And gave a glare,
“Would you like
Some lemon squares?”
Edenvale looked nervous,
True.
She didn’t know
Quite what to do.
“Oh,” she said,
And held her nose.
“I really don’t want
To impose.”
“No, it’s fine,
They must be eaten.
Here, try one.
Or you’ll get beaten.”
“No, that’s okay,
None for me.”
“What’s the problem,
Stupid tree?”
“Well,” she said
To Garrosh-There.
“Well,” she said,
And looked quite scared.
“I do not like
Orc lemon squares.
I do not like them,
Garrosh-There.”
“Would you like them
Here or there?”
“I would not like them
Here or there.
I would not like them
Anywhere.
I do not like
Orc lemon squares.
I do not like them,
Garrosh-There.”
“Would you like them
In your home?
Would you like them
With a gnome?”
“I would not like them
In my home.
I would not like them
With a gnome.
I do not like them
Here or there.
I do not like them
Anywhere.
I do not like
Orc lemon squares.
I do not like them,
Garrosh-There.”
“Would you eat them
On a boat?
With a Naaru
Or space-goat?”
“I would not eat them
On a boat.
I’d simply give them
To the goat.
I do not want them
In my home.
I will not try them
With a gnome.
I do not want them
Here or there.
I do not want them
Anywhere.
I just don’t like
Orc lemon squares.
I just don’t like them,
Garrosh-There!”
“Would you, could you,
Might, may, will,
Try them up
In Teldrassil?”
“I would not, could not eat them there!
In Teldrassil, or anywhere!
I do not want them on a boat.
I will not share with some space-goat.
I do not want them in my home.
I do not want them with a gnome.
I do not want them here or there,
I do not want them anywhere!
I do not like orc lemon squares!
I do not like them, Garrosh-There!”
“How about
A doggy bag?
Served by Utvoch
And Dontrag?”
“Enough already!”
Cried the tree.
“Garrosh-There,
You let me be!”
“Would you try them
On the moon?
With Cenarius
And Mylune?”
“No, I would not
On the moon!
Even if they brought
Elune!”
“Would you try them,
Just once, ever,
Up amid
The Twisted Nether?”
“No! No! Not in the Nether!
I do not want to try them, ever!
Not in a bag! Not on the moon!
Not with Dontrag or with Mylune!
Not on a boat! Not in my home!
Not with a goat! Not with a gnome!
I will not try them here or there!
I do not want them ANYWHERE!
I do not like orc lemon squares!
I just don’t like them, Garrosh-There!”
“You don’t like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them
And you may.
Try them and you may,
I say.”
“Garrosh, dammit!
Fine, at last.
I’ll try them –
Just get off my ass.
Say…
I like orc lemon squares!
I do! I like them, Garrosh-There!
And I would eat them in my home!
And I would eat them with a gnome!
And I would have them on a boat,
And I would share with a space-goat!
I would eat them to my fill
All the way to Teldrassil!
I would take a doggy bag
(But spare me Utvoch and Dontrag)!
I would eat them on the moon,
With Cenarius and Mylune!
Yes, I will eat them here and there!
Oh, I would eat them anywhere!
I do so love
Orc lemon squares!
Thank you,
Thank you,
Garrosh-There.”
“See, I told you,”
Garrosh said.
“Plus you’re lucky
You’re not dead.”
“They’re so good!
So good, I say!
I might post them!
Yes I may!
I’ll post them on my blog,
I say!”
“Hold on a minute,
Silly tree.
That’s my Greatmother’s
Recipe.
Her recipe,
You silly tree.
We keep it
In the family!”
“But oh, they’re so good,
Garrosh-There!
They’re just too yummy
Not to share!
I’m sure your Greatmother
Won’t care!
I’ll spread her secret
Everywhere!
Now don’t get mad,
Garrosh! Relax!”
But he had gone
To get his axe.
EPIC VERSE!
Without Breaking a Few Eggs
Citizens of the Horde,
Some days ago I wrote to you in acknowledgement of certain accolades that had been given to Warchief Hellscream for his work on this forum. In so doing, I noted that perhaps I should begin perusing the internet, as it was apparently home to a great many laudable works such as those being recognized by these so-called “Piggie Awards.” True to my word, I have these past few days invested some time surveying – I am told that “surfing” is the descriptive metaphor currently in fashion – the internet.
I am both impressed and, indeed, not infrequently horrified.
While undertaking my “surfing,” I did make a point of investigating the works of those other bloggers nominated with Warchief Hellscream. I was particularly delighted to discover that on Edenvale’s Gamer’s Fridge blog, the Warchief had apparently volunteered the delicious lemon squares recipe of his dear Greatmother in Nagrand: a treat indeed, and one that I know was always a favorite of my son Dranosh. I find myself once again impressed by the Warchief for having offered this recipe to be freely shared across the internet. Truly his generosity and thoughtfulness know no bounds.
In contrast, I was appalled to discover that this same recipe was being offered at a cost by one of our own, Orgrimmar infantry chef Marogg. Upon further investigation, I found that this was far from the only recipe that Marogg was dispensing in such a manner; indeed, it would appear that he had devised an entire system by which recipes could be purchased with “Orgrimmar Cooking Awards,” which even more troublingly can only be acquired by performing menial tasks for this same Marogg.
I am, quite frankly, rather enraged that our infantry chef would extort labor from our own people in this fashion. My outrage was magnified, as you might imagine, upon discovering that among these menial tasks was a request for Horde citizens to steal rice from our own people – the less fortunate residents of the Valley of Spirits, no less.
I cannot overstate what a vile undertaking I find this entire charade to be. As such, I have relieved Marogg of his duties pending a full investigation of the matter, and appointed his sous chef Gar’dul as head infantry chef.
I will write again soon with updates on more pressing matters.
-Saurfang
Cake Ogar
Some of you might remember that last week, a TROUBLEMAKING TREE went and screwed up the whole damn Orgrimmar Cooking Award system by posting my Greatmother’s secret lemon square recipe online. Since then I’ve been trying to think of a way to get the situation under control again, not to mention find something else to keep Marogg occupied now that his Cooking Awards are devalued, but now, you know what, fuck it, the cat’s out of the bag. Time for Plan B.
Since I can’t stop Edenvale from handing out Greatmother’s recipe, I’m just going to have to come at this from the other direction and make it a pointless exercise. So effective immediately – ALL HORDE CITIZENS WILL HAVE LEMON SQUARES AND TEA WITH THE WARCHIEF, OR YOU DIE!
You heard me! How do you like THEM apples, Edenvale? Or, um, lemon squares.
You! Shaman! LEMON SQUARES OR DEATH?
“Um, lemon squares, please.”
VERY WELL! Give him lemon squares! How about you, rogue? LEMON SQUARES OR DEATH?
“Um…well…lemon squares for me too.”
VERY WELL! Give him lemon squares too! Hmm, someone get Marogg working on more of these lemon squares, we’re gonna run out at this rate. You! Mage! LEMON SQUARES OR DEATH?
“Uh, you know I can just conjure my own—”
SOUNDS LIKE “DEATH” TO ME!
“Wait, no, I meant lemon squares!”
Didn’t sound like it to me! I think you chose death!
“No! Lemon squares! I meant lemon squares!”
That’s more like it! Okay then, how about you, paladin? LEMON SQUARES OR DEATH?
“Lemon squares, please.”
Well we’re OUT of lemon squares! I only had one platter of them and I didn’t expect such a rush! So what do you want?
“So my choice is ‘or death’?”
Um…hmm. Is the mage still around?
*bubbles*
Monday mailbag
OMG people are reading my blog!!!! I didn’t even tell anybody other than Spazzle and Eitrigg that this blog was here and now people are reading it! I have fans! People love me! I WILL BASK IN THE ADORING GLOW OF MY LOYAL AND DEVOTED FOLLOWERS! Go me! GO GARROSH!
I hear ya about the paperwork, Warchief. Are you sure you don’t have any assistants to help cover it, though? I’m just a Kor’kron captain and even I have Aleric here to push some of the forms off on. Speaking of which, is there any chance you could have someone come by and relieve me for a weekend or something? I’ve been stuck standing here in the Royal Quarter for almost two years now, and while the view isn’t bad if you know what I mean, let’s just say the aroma around this place isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It would be kind of nice to have a day or two to just go up to Brill and get some air.
— Bragor Bloodfist, Undercity
Oh yeah, absolutely, let me send someone down there to relieve you, Bragor. You really must need a break what with how hard you’ve been working keeping an eye on Sylvanas and making sure she doesn’t get up to anything fishy like developing more of Putress’s plague, and – OH WAIT, SHE TOTALLY DID. How about you DO YOUR FUCKING JOB SUCCESSFULLY before you ask for a vacation? Hey, pro tip, if you spend two years fighting the minions of a diabolical mastermind, like say, I don’t know, some FUCKING SHIMMERY WINGED UNDEAD GIANTS, and one day you see them just hanging out in one of the capital cities of the Horde, and instead of being KILLED LIKE THE BLOOD ENEMIES THEY ARE, it seems like they’re just chilling with one of our leaders, you know, maybe you want to check up on that.
But oh, hey, you do make a decent point about assistants, though. Tell you what. I was going to send someone down there to relieve you, but I think what I’ll do instead is keep them around here and have them work on these forms for me. You keep at it down there in the Undercity. I’ll be expecting your report on where the fuck Koltira Deathweaver disappeared to. IN TRIPLICATE.
Hey mon, I be havin’ a question for ya. If da Lich King’s horse is Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?
— Vol’ Bob, Echo Isles
OMG I can’t believe how stupid this guy is! The Lich King’s horse is INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU STUPID IDIOT! ALSO YOU’RE STUPID!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How dumb do you have to be to not know words.
I swear sometimes I think I’m the only one left in the Horde that’s not a damn retard LOL.
I seriously can’t believe Thrall put you in charge. It’s not that you’re dumb as a post, because let’s face it, his other options were all orcs, and what were his odds there with any choice he made? And it’s not so much that you’re a badboy poser who talks a good game when he knows there’s someone like Rhonin or Tirion in the room to break up any actual fight.
But dude. Poetry? From your journal? Which, you know, is just a slightly less pathetic way to say “diary”? What are you, a fourteen-year-old girl? Do you try to compensate by at least writing poems about weapons and battle, or are you just going all-out and writing about flowers and other sissy crap like that?
— Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
OMG HOW DID HE SEE THIS BLOG!!! I’m writing this for LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE TO SEE, what idiot rigged up the internet so ANYONE can just go around looking up WHATEVER THEY WANT!! Next thing you know kids at the Orgrimmar orphanage will be able to look up succubus erotica that is clearly only supposed to be for me adults. (Does anyone know if Greatmother can see this, by the way? Just checking.)
Anyway! SOMEHOW you’ve managed to breach blog security here, Varian, so I suppose I should answer you. First of all, on the poetry in general, hey, don’t get pissy with me because I’ve read a book in my life. Don’t you have some giant library right there in your castle? How about you reach up on one of those shelves and crack a tome once in a while and maybe get some damn culture.
As for what I write about, here, just for you, I’ll write one about flowers AND weapons. Enjoy.
Mageroyal is red,
Peacebloom is white,
Axes are sharp,
Fuck you, Varian.
EPIC VERSE!
Keep the letters coming. I’ll try to do these mailbags when I can. FOR THE HORDE!
