Tag Archives: lor’themar
Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog
Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces. You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.
This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.
For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief. Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write. (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)
Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post. At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given. Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out. We’ll just see how it goes. In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page. I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.
Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made. If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.
* * * * *
Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin. I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling. Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…
Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.
* * * * *
The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked —
A Noblegarden mission.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.
The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)
The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.
Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.
The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off! Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might —
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.
They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.
The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.
EPIC V—
That was weak.
…
The FUCK? Who the hell is this?!
What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream? I thought you were good at spotting me online now.
Wait, don’t tell me this is— Hang on.
SPAZZLE!
What’s up, boss?
The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.
That’s it. Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people. That’s a formula for success.
Oh…oh no. Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.
OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER
Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?
What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?
Ugh. It must be that wireless connection you have down there. I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.
Goddammit. Well try to get him out of here, will you? I’ve got a live blog to do.
You mean this exhibition of fail? Hah. I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.
Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.
Actually, you know what? Go ahead and be jealous of that. Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE). And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.
Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—
I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.
—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.
You know what, asshole? YOU’RE ON. Let’s see what you’ve got.
CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!
* * * * *
EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!
GARROSH HELLSCREAM
VS.
VARIAN WRYNN
BEGIN!
* * * * *
Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king! The boss! I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.
I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.
Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet? ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.
You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s
EPIC
fucking
VERSE
<drops mic and walks away like a boss>
…
* * * * *
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!
[Thanks for coming, everyone. More weirdness soon…]
Mutiny!
Since we finished with Shan Kien a few days ago, I’ve been back at Domination Point, partly checking in on things there with Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim, and partly giving myself a break from Baine and Lor’themotherfucker. Maybe if I leave them alone with each other, they’ll have no option but to bitch and moan at each other until one of them reaches bitch-and-moan critical mass and spontaneously combusts. Not likely, I know, but it’s a little dream I have.
As part of my much-needed recuperation time, I finally managed to get Earth Online set up on my computer here. The internet here at the base is still kind of spotty – I’ve been having to pick my spots as far as when I can blog for the entire time I’ve been here – but Grizzle Gearslip tells me the connection should be stable enough now that I shouldn’t have any trouble getting some gaming in.
You have logged on.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] what about blurry vision? slurred speech?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well well, look who we have here!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it’s probably not one of ours, then.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I hope you feel better, ji
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey people
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You sense of humor is, as always, most amusing, Doctor.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] anyway, does anyone have a level 30 something they’d like to team up with?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But you should be wary of making such jokes, as they may only encourage some to believe we’re actually pursuing such untoward efforts as the creation of plague.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] actually never mind, i should probably get going
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] see you later, ji
[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yeah, i can’t imagine where anyone would get that idea about us.
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: has garona gotten there yet?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh this is weird…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] What is, Warchief?
You have been disconnected.
.
.
.
.
.
You have logged on.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] do you think he got mad and logged?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey, Garrosh
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] welcome back.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, I suppose we’ll see presently, won’t we.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thanks, Doc
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: did you see my tell?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is everything all right, Garrosh?
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Yeah
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: I just didn’t get a chance to answer
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I think so
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what happened?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m not sure, my connection just went out on me
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, hopefully it was an isolated hiccup and won’t continue causing you problems.
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: But no, she didn’t get here yet
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: ah ok
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, hopefully
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Why?
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: just curious
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So anyway, as I was saying
You have been disconnected.
.
.
.
.
.
You have logged on.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] thanks baddie
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You two are well, I hope.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] PRETTY GOOD THANKS
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] re-wb
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And back again.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] same problem, boss?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] havent seen u in a while
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Pretty much
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just getting knocked offline randomly
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Quite frustrating, I’m sure.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I’ve been traveling for work, so I haven’t been able to log on until now
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: what kind of internet connection do you have there?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea i know how that goes
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’ve been having to travel around some for work too
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: If you’re looking for something more specific than “apparently a bad one,” you’re talking to the wrong guy
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: hmm
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So anyway
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How interesting, Leslie. Anything specific you’re working on these days?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did they change something in the guild management panel?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m sure the details would be fascinating.
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: at the bottom of your UI, mouse over the icon that looks like a little planet
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: that will show your network info
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not that I’m aware of.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why do you ask?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol your always so interested in my work
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh boy…
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Okay, I’ve got it
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m just curious about people’s professional experiences. ^_^
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m showing a lot fewer guild management options than I used to
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So I’m wondering if they changed something
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: ok, at the very bottom of that info box there should be a string of numbers and letters
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol well theres alot going on here but alot of it i cant really talk about
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: copy that to me
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, no. Perhaps you should peruse the guild roster a moment.
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Hmm, okay…give me a minute…
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] here we go…
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh but those are the most interesting ones to chat about under the anonymity afforded by the internet.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well, you’ve established you work in Dalaran.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well yes
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on, I’m juggling a couple things
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if it involves magic research i could probably save you some time finding the tomes you need.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HOW DO YOU FIGURE
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: THX1138-NCC1701-PU36
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: oh man
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well, based on our conversation the other day, I probably know your libraries a bit better than you.
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: who set up your connection down there?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] your serious
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] my serious what?
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Grizzle Gearslip
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Why? How bad is it?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no, ‘your serious’ is a question
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, guild roster
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] no, “you’re serious?” is a question.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] “your serious” is an incomplete noun phrase.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um.
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: ugh… he’s good with mining and construction
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] …
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just exactly
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] WHAT
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] THE FUCK
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] IS THIS?
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: but for networking he might as well be trying to put something together with one of those electronics kits from the wonderworks
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if you don’t want my help, you can just say no.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] What is what, pray tell?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HOW exactly is it showing SYLVANAS as guild leader???
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hoo boy…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, there *are* in-game mechanisms for such things.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When the current leader is offline for a prolonged period. ^_^
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You fucking OVERTHREW me?!?!
You have been disconnected.
.
.
.
.
.
You have logged on.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I don’t think he would jsut rage quit
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, here he is.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] wb pwn
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] looks like you’re having connection trouble
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay so AS I WAS SAYING
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You OVERTHREW me??!
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: can’t say I’m surprised you’re having trouble staying on
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You could say that, yeah
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: So…it’s bad.
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: let me put it this way
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And hey, hold on, she couldn’t even have DONE this without another officer, so that means either you or Mokvar, Spazzle
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: congratulations, the base hasn’t burned down yet
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] um, well…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s going on with Mokvar now, anyway?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It’s funny you should ask, Warchief.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so yeah staying on topic
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I was the one who signed off on the dethrone
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I…see
You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: Fucking hell is THIS what you were talking about???
[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: um, what?
You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: With the “they’re going to turn against you” cryptic bullshit
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well to be fair, boss, you’d been away for a while and there was no telling when you’d be able to get on again
[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: you realize that was another version of me whose memories i don’t share, right?
You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: UGH FUCKING TIME TRAVEL
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] and your connection right now isn’t exactly helping
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah yeah whatever
[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: fucking time travel indeed.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You people have had your fun, now reinstall me before I get on a boat headed north
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, very well, Warchief. If you insist.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people, I look away for a minute and everything turns into a fucking cartoon
[Lorthemar] has logged on.
[Lorthemar] has been promoted to Guild Leader.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oops.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT OOPS
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats lorthemar!
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh this should be good.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That honestly was a legitimate mistake. Albeit a funny one.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh…wow…really?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION LOR
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I was about to click on you to promote you when Lor’themar logged on.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i will bet you any amount of money you’re not the only person saying “wow, really?” right now.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, well, his character name is right ahead of yours alphabetically.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So…he bumped you down one spot on the guild list, and…
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well…thank you, guildmates!
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] are you seeing this, lor?
[Guild][Lorthemar] This is truly an unexpected honor
[Guild][Lorthemar] But one for which I shall endeavor to prove my worthiness!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yay lor!
[Guild][Lorthemar] I really don’t know what else to say!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i know you’ll make a good guild leader =)
[Guild][Lorthemar] Thank you!
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] guess not
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He probably doesn’t realize he has to turn on officer chat.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay so seriously
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, hello, Omgipwnedurface.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah probably
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, hello
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So before you get speechifying again, Livindead just made a mistake handing you the reins
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So before you get too excited
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh yikes
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hand them back over
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well, I suppose LivinDeadGrl DOES have more experience as an officer.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] NOT TO HER YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] PROMOTE -ME-
[Guild][Lorthemar] Fine, fine, let me find where the command is…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] does anyone know if there’s a popcorn vendor anywhere in game?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well FIND IT FAST LORI
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE EYE TO LOOK WITH
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m working on it, calm down…
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] what are u looking for sweetie?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh fuck you, Hair-Care
[Guild][Lorthemar] Huh.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WHAT? I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING
[Guild][Lorthemar] You know what?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oops sorry, that was pwn
[Guild][Lorthemar] No.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Fuck YOU.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i thought it was u typing there
You have been kicked out of the guild.
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: jkhfgkjshgfkjysdgkfiuhsdfjkghskgf
You whispered to [Lorthemar]: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: I know, I know
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: My apologies, Warchief.
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: I’m trying to calm Lor’themar down now.
[Lorthemar] whispered: Fuck you, Garrosh
[Proudleslie | Jaina] whispered: omg what happened?
You whispered to [Lorthemar]: Oh you REALLY want to die, don’t you
[Lorthemar] is ignoring you.
You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]: Well now he’s ignoring me
You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]: So you can tell him to stop being such a tempermental baby while you’re at it
You whispered to [Proudleslie | Jaina]: Don’t even get me started
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: Of course, sir.
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: yeah, he’s pretty upset
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: I don’t know what we’re going to do about GL, but I can invite you back to the guild at least
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Oh gee thanks
You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: I don’t fucking believe this shit
You have been invited to join the guild <Warchief>.
You have joined the guild <Warchief>.
You have been promoted to the rank Recruit.
You have been promoted to the rank Member.
You have been promoted to the rank Officer.
You have been disconnected.
.
.
.
.
.
You have logged on.
[Officer][Lorthemar] Well that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Lor’themar, I understand, but please try to be prudent at least.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] FUCKING HELL
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] wow this is a really bad day for pwn
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] welcome back, boss
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] UGH this is infuriating
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Actually, while we’re inviting, let me bring a friend in as well, if nobody minds.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sure
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Between the disconnections and Ponytail here all I need is a pickle for the crap sandwich that is my day
[Bob] has joined the guild.
[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.
[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Member.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi bob!
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WELCOME
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Bob! As Guild Leader, let me welcome you to the guild!
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m sure you’ll feel right at home with the <Warchief> tag below your name.
[Guild][Bob] Tanks, mon! It’s good ta be here!
[Guild][Bob] I be lookin’ forward to goin’ on epic missions with lots a ya!
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This guy seems familiar
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OH SHIT
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So…you play EO too, huh?
[Guild][Bob] Hey, mon! Do I know ya?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] sigh
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll get you all for this
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] um
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Nice to meet you
[Guild][Bob] Good ta meet ya too, OmgipwneduMon!
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But for now… I’m going to log off before this vein in my forehead bursts
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] quick recommendation, boss?
You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]: You GET his ass in line, you understand me?
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: Of course, dear Warchief.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] next time you log on, if you think you smell burning hair, turn off your computer
[Guild][Bob] So I got a question if anybody knows.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fine
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] For the duration, Lor’themar, you might want to change the GL title from what I’d set it as.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Taking off now
[Guild][Bob] If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I could see it?
[Officer][Lorthemar] What’s the title now?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] “Queen.”
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no no, thats invisible
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh man, good thing Garrosh is leaving
You have logged off.
The fine art of persuasion
So brace yourselves for this one – Lor’themotherfucker’s blood elves, who insisted I give them the chance to interrogate that mogu Shan Kien about the Divine Bell? Guess what they turned up for us? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I know. I’ll give you a minute to sit down and recover from the shock.
Recovered yet? Okay. Moving on.
Anyway, after I’d given the elves time to establish yet again how completely and utterly USELESS they are, I sent orders for them to deliver Shan Kien over to the Kor’kron up in Kun-Lai summit. By this point, Regent-Lord Eyepatch was back in Silvermoon on his prolonged post-sha-box crying jag, so I had the good fortune not to have to deal with a whole lot of complaining and protesting from his people when I sent the order. I had Malkorok go up with his Kor’kron to receive the mogu at Garrosh’ar Advance – a small base we’d set up a ways north of Eastwind Rest – and wait for my arrival.
When I got there, by the way, Malkorok managed to get himself into another one of his cranky moods. He was eating his lunch at the table we’d set up at the camp, and when I arrived he turned away from it to order the Kor’kron to bring Shan Kien out for me…whereupon Mortimer wandered over and, yep, you guessed it, polished off Malkorok’s food. Mortimer seemed only too delighted — then again, who can blame him, seeing as I think that sandwich had bacon on it — although Malkorok was not pleased. But I think he kept himself reined in since he could see what a kick I got out of the whole thing.
Of course, as I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons with Blademaster Ishi, Baine overheard where I was going and decided to tag along to keep an eye on things. Because…well…I don’t know, I guess he thinks that when you’re dealing with an agent of a malevolent enemy bent on world domination, it’s really super important that you be nice to him. Or something.
I’ll grant, though, Baine did turn out to be handy. I put in a little time trying my own brand of charm and persuasion on Shan Kien, but after a while my knuckles were getting sore, and that was when Baine suggested we use some Pandaren concoction called Memory Wine that would let us peek into Shan Kien’s memories and see where the Divine Bell had been hidden. Which, by the way, um, WHY DIDN’T HE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU KNOW I BET THAT SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY DON’T YOU THINK GUYS?
Ugh.
So, we got a volunteer to try out the Memory Wine, and got a peek of Shan Kien sealing up the Divine Bell in a mogu tomb somewhere along a mountainside. The whole thing went surprisingly smoothly, other than the fact that while we were using the Memory Wine, it seemed like every couple minutes we had problems with the yaks we had with us suddenly running around all spooked. Which started getting on my nerves after a while. Anyway, since Gurtash is sort of our resident artist, I’m having him flown up to work up some sketches of the place to help guide the search parties. I’m having Ishi stay up here to organize the scouts and coordinate. Meanwhile, I’m going to check in at Domination Point and maybe look into a contingency plan or two.
Spazzle Speaks: Tell Hell
You have logged on.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’m pretty sure ur wrong
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] hi mrbad
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I’LL GO GET MY COPY SO WE CAN CHECK
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i’m quite sure i’m not.
[Guild][Lor’themar] Greetings, MrBadcrumble!
You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]: hey ji – you feeling ok?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no sweetie u dont have to
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi MBC
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, Spazzle, I’m glad to see you on. I’d like to discuss something with you when you have a free moment.
[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered: yes, i think i’ll be ok
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey everyone
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: have you heard anything about mokvar?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ugh well now hes flown off
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: not a thing
[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered: just a little sore.
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: why? is there news?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sure
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh hi baddie i didnt see u come on
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] do we have more IPs to trace or something?
You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]: well that’s good
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No no, nothing quite so technical.
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: not that I know of
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how’s it going, leslie?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] not bad
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, really?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] same ol same ol really
You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]: well if you need anything let me know
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You sound surprised.
[LamontCranston] whispered: Hi there.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well, after a while you kind of get used to it when people only want to talk to you because they can’t get their printer to work
You whispered to [LamontCranston] hi
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OK HERE WE GO
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SHERMAN’S CODEX RIGHT?
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: at this point I don’t think anything would surprise me, though
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True… I suppose it comes with being one of the few tech literates in the cohort.
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I know, right?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what are you guys doing?
[LamontCranston] whispered: Are you busy?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] volume 2, yes.
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: honestly I don’t understand what Mokvar could be thinking
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THERES A VOLUME 2?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you get used it mostly
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: a little
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: were you interested in the guild?
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: that’s the thing, though
[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered: thanks, i will
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sorry if I’m slow
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] prof here is trying to tell me there’s teleportation magic that would let someone blink all the way to other worlds
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] trying to juggle a bunch of tells
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh I can sympathize.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] not that there ARE such spells, just that there’s a theoretical basis for them being possible, based on the distorted curvature of space surrounding high velocity blinking.
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: what is?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] and now we’re going to look it up and prove him wrong
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m fielding quite a few myself. Mostly from Lor’themar…I could swear, no sooner do I click back over to officer chat than his whisper tab lights up again.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what’s going on?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] once we get volume 2…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it should be on the shelf below where you got that one.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Something or other with Garrosh and his demands. I’m not sure exactly.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] faded, dark red cover.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] fourth book from the left.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OK ON IT BRB
[LamontCranston] whispered: No, Spaz, it’s me.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how do u know that?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] don’t let me interrupt if you’re talking to him
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i have a very good memory.
[LamontCranston] whispered: Mokvar.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] wait, how are you not sure if he’s going on and on about it?
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: dksjghksdyhgd
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: for him to do all these things he’s been doing… killing the dwarf in ironforge, the deal with magatha, everything…
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: KNOWING I was watching him .. and I know he knew…
[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No, it’s fine. I’m really just tabbing over every few lines and giving him a “right” or an “I can see how that would be frustrating” or an “I don’t blame you at all for being upset.”
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: he would have to be an idiot
[LamontCranston] whispered: Now before you go tabbing over to do an IP trace, I’m routing through a proxy server to log on.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] isn’t that kind of risky?
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: and if there’s one thing we both know about mokvar, its that he’s not an idiot
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OK NOW WE’RE IN BUSINESS
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: yeah
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: no kidding
You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: 1 sec
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you have volume 2?
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: kk
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, how do you know what he just said was about being upset and frustrated?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’ve known Lor’themar a long time.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] now i just have to find the part about long-distance blinking
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: hang on, since when do YOU know how to mask IPs??
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: and are you crazy? what the hell are you doing??
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] page 273.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW REALLY?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ok looking, hang on
[LamontCranston] whispered: Deliana called in a couple favors to set it up.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] right-hand column.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] under the diagram.
[LamontCranston] whispered: I just needed to get on for a minute to talk to you.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] like i said, i have a good memory.
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: mokvar, you have to be careful – garona’s on and she was JUST asking about you
[LamontCranston] whispered: I saw her on. I whispered her with a dollar-spam ad and got her auto-ignore.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sorry i’m going all quiet – trying to fix a bunch of things here
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ok here we go, see it says it wouldn’t work
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] “blinking beyond azerothian gravitational bounds would prove impractical due to drag produced by the blinking subject’s carried mass.”
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] blinking beyond azerothian gravity would be impractical
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: hey spazzle, I know you’re probably still busy there
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Quite all right. As it happens, Lor’themar is growing needy even by Lor’themarian standards. I’m finding myself having to pay attention to some of his prattling.
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I need to get going
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: what are you even doing on here?
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I’m leaving for pandaria in the morning and I need to finish packing
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] right.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] is he still upset?
[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I’ll talk to you later
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] keep reading.
[LamontCranston] whispered: Like I said, I wanted to talk to you.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Insofar as he hasn’t spontaneously ceased to be Lor’themar, yes.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] OH
[LamontCranston] whispered: I only have a minute, though.
[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged off.
You whispered to [LamontCranston]: ok…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] “this obstacle could in theory be overcome by a dispersion of the grounding mass along the blinking vector via a highly concentrated arcane field”
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh…wow
[LamontCranston] whispered: You’re on the short list of people I feel like I can trust, and like I said, I need to talk to you.
[LamontCranston] whispered: But not here.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] which yes, we don’t know how to do yet.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] but we’re talking theory here.
[LamontCranston] whispered: Meet me in Everlook in two days.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] that’s really impressive you knew that
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i read a lot.
User is not logged on.
User is not logged on.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea but sherman’s codex volume 2?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] that would be so far down on my reading list i would probably never get to it
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] actually, I need to get off of here for a little while
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] heh, kids. ;o)
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I know you wanted to talk to me about something – can we catch up later?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s fine.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY I’M THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If it’s easier, I can e-mail you about it as well.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ok, sounds good
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yes, and?
You have logged off.
Shadow boxing
Well, this just goes to show what I know.
After our whole SNAFU with the sha claw, Regent-Lord Eyepatch went back to Silvermoon to personally supervise his people’s study of that sha box we recovered. Before he left I tried to impress on him the importance of that project (I believe my exact words were “This is actually important, unlike everything else you’ve ever done in your life, so try not to make a giant fucking mess this one time, Lori”), and after leaving him to his devices a couple days, I sent some people up to Silvermoon to check on him and try to prod things along.
I just received a report back from Eyepatch. And so, remember last time, how uneasy I was about having to rely on the blood elves for all these important jobs? All the angsting I was doing over whether they could pull this off, rather than defaulting back to their standard “giant fucking mess” M.O.? Well, after all that handwringing I was doing, you would probably expect Ponytail’s blood elves to find a way to pull off some spectacular new level of fail.
AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.
Let’s even set aside the fact that Ponytail started out crying about how anyone who tried to probe the box magically ended up being affected by powerful, negative emotions, because hey, it’s totally fair for him not to think of that possibility what with him being RIGHT HERE WITNESSING THAT VERY SAME THING HAPPENING WITH THE KOR’KRON NOT THREE DAYS AGO. But then, we’ve long established that these blood elves aren’t exactly world-beaters when it comes to seeing things coming (DRINK). So, moving on, witness fuckuppery the next: even AFTER having these problems with the crazy outbursts, Ponytail’s peeps kept plugging away, and ended up releasing some kind of sha creature that had been sealed in the box. In a room with a couple of his mages and a handful of guards. And nobody else.
So okay, let’s recap that for those of you keeping score at home.
AFTER traveling around some of the sha and mogu sites in Pandaria…and AFTER being on hand for our failed Kor’kron experiments with the claw… Eyepatch brought the box back home to Silvermoon…so he could stick it in a basement with minimal guard and a grand total of two magic-users on hand to work on it. And then released a beastie that proceeded to kick the snot out of his generously snotty elves. To the point that if some of MY people hadn’t been on hand to save the day, that sha thing might still be running roughshod over Silvermoon and we’d be having to get Sylvanas to send a task force over to bail them out. (And by the way, don’t think for a minute that THAT wouldn’t make half the blood elf population drop a brick in its collective panties – HEY LOOK GUYS THERE’S AN ARMY OF UNDEAD HEADED THIS WAY OH SHIT NOT AGAIN.)
I mean, there are at least half a dozen reasons why that’s just a spectacular steaming heap of fail, but the winner right off the top of my head, I think is… WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BRINGING THE DAMN BOX BACK TO YOUR HOME CITY if you weren’t going to positively SURROUND it with an entire fucking LEGION of your very best troops? You go to all that trouble for like five guards? Hey, guess what, Eyepatch, we could have put our sha junk under the watch of five random assholes right here in Pandaria.
LIKE HEY HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS EVEN, REMEMBER THEM?
So yeah, this is what Lori is crying about this week. Well, today. The week is still young. Meanwhile, he’s already sent me four messengers, with each of the last three delivering an extra addendum to his written bitch-and-moan fest. They’ve been arriving every couple hours, so I’m just imagining him sitting around in whatever palace he has up there (I’m guessing pink features heavily in the décor), sending off a letter, and then as soon as the messenger leaves, grabbing another parchment like “AND HERE’S ONE MORE THING!”
I did send him a response back to the first one. Although…just to amuse myself, I addressed it to “That guy in Silvermoon, you know, the one with the poofy hair.” I’m not sure which thought amuses me more: the amount of time it’s going to take them to narrow it down to Ponytail, or the look he’s going to get on his face when he sees it.
I know, I know. I’m a stinker.
More soon.
“‘Lori’? Seriously?”
Sha-touched
So of course, since Baine arrived here in Pandaria, he managed to get here just in time to bear witness to a frigging spectacular FUBAR with our efforts to make use of that sha claw. And naturally, Regent-Lord Ponytail had to be on hand too so I could have a nice bitch-and-moan one-two punch.
Like we’d guessed, infusing soldiers with at least some measure of the claw’s sha energy was simple enough. For these initial experiments, I didn’t want to leave much to chance, so we brought in a half-dozen Kor’kron for the tests. The idea is that the Kor’kron are the best of the best within the Horde ranks, so they would be most likely to have the strength of will and discipline to maintain control over the sha influence – and these particular Kor’kron weren’t even your garden variety. I had Malkorok hand-pick the very best of his people. Razors. If anyone was going to keep their shit together, it would be them.
Well, those Kor’kron may have been razors, but we wound up taking some razor burn. All of the soldiers we exposed to the sha claw suffered some severe changes to their behavior. Some became extremely temperamental. Some were listless and depressed. Some turned antsy and paranoid. And ALL of them became prone to violent outbursts playing off of whatever other mood swings they were going through. With the help of a few adventurers who happened to be on hand, we managed to slap some sense into the Kor’kron, but that doesn’t change the fact that the whole experiment went down as a pretty dismal failure.
And of course, cue Baine and Ponytail griping and crying and complaining, with an extra side order of holier-than-thou from Baine and estrogen from Ponytail.
I seriously need to find some better fucking minions.
Anyway, it’s becoming pretty painfully apparent that unless Lor’thefucker’s people back in Silvermoon make some breakthrough with the sha box they recovered, we’ve got everything hinging on us finding the Divine Bell so we can gain better control of this sha power. Which means we’re majorly counting on the blood elves who are working on interrogating Shan Kien. Which means, any way you cut it, we’ve got everything riding on Ponytail’s people.
Fuck.
Did I mention I SERIOUSLY need to find some better minions?
Monday mailbag
Before I really get rolling with my investigations in Kun-Lai summit, I figured I’d make a pit stop and check on the mail. Here’s what we have this time around…
I haven’t had the chance to get out to Pandaria yet, but I look forward to joining the war effort soon. In the meantime, I’m curious, what’s your take on all that Pandaren beer I’ve been hearing so much about?
–Kalaban, Undercity
Thanks for writing, Kalaban. Gotta say, I’ve been dipping into the local panda brews quite a bit since I’ve been out here (Can you blame me? Have you SEEN the cast of characters I’ve got surrounding me?), and they’re not bad at all. It’s really pretty hard for me to give much more of a review than that, because if there’s one thing panda beers have going for them, it’s VARIETY. They’ve got these lighter, thinner ones that personally I think are almost like drinking water (I’m gonna bet those are pretty popular with the blood elves), all the way up to some serious, heavy-duty, knock-you-on-your-ass brews. Plus everything in between, including all kinds of flavor varieties. I guess that’s what happens when half the population seems to work in the brewing industry in one way or another.
And really, quality-wise you can’t complain about any of it. The ones that are so-so are still totally drinkable. And the ones that are GOOD? Man. They make half the stuff you get during Brewfest seem like you’re drinking carbonated kodo piss. Speaking of which, I’m almost afraid to imagine what’s going to happen when the pandas get their first look at Brewfest next year, because holy shit.
That’s the other thing you notice about the pandas, I’ve got to say. Dipping into the beer is so much a part of their culture that you don’t even realize that almost the entire population has a constant, low-level buzz going. And the funny thing is, yeah, sure, they enjoy drinking and all, but they manage to stay really chill about it, like you never see any angry drunks anywhere (take notes, Tirion). But it’s also like a cultural expectation that they stay vaguely buzzed even beyond the sheer fun of knocking a few back. Which, by the way, makes me worry about General Nazgrim going native on us – you may have noticed, dude has this nasty habit of boarding ships and then winding up smashing them to bits, and I’m thinking that trend won’t be helped if he starts getting into the habit of boozing it up to boot. Not to mention, he’s a general and needs to stay combat-ready. Can’t have him getting a beer belly on us.
Someone is going around posting this…uhhh….manipulated image of you. It’s a travesty and demoralizing to the horde! This cannot keep going! I find too many who are laughing at this.
The fool cryptically added FYG and sign it J. I am not sure what that means, but it can’t be nice. Fattening Your Gut? Fondly Yours Garona? (bitch!) F..ff..ffffffuucc…. ooooooh……OH. OOOOHHH! O.O
SIR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I WILL HUNT DOWN THIS…THIS…LESS THAN A PEON WORTHLESS SCUM, SLIT HIS THROAT, AND MAKE A NECKLACE FROM HIS TEETH AS A GIFT TO YOU!
I WILL NOT STAND HAVING SOMEONE MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN JI!
I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERY PERSON WHO’S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER J STARTING WITH THAT FREAKING BLONDIE BOY JOHNNY AWESOME!
(Like the caps? Me too.)
After all the J’s are dead, their heads hanging of the gates of Ogrimmar, and the streets flowing with their blood…can we like, go out? I think you’re so cute…even if you have a little bit of a belly. (You may want to take it easy on the pancakes and lemon squares, sir.)
Forever in my Heart,
–Tuekie, Rogue Trainee, Ogrimmar
PS: I’m older than I look. Ok?
Okay, so first of all, just so everybody knows, Tuekie here is one of the Dead Peons Society trainees that I’ve been working with the last few months, part of that whole group Gurtash is in. She’s actually the twin sister of Ruekie, a shaman trainee I think I’ve mentioned once before.
And yes, I know. Somebody had twins and named them Ruekie and Tuekie. And yes, I agree. Death is too good for some parents. (Granted, “Ruekie” and “Tuekie” are nicknames, and their original, given names – Rue’kara and Tue’kara – are a little better, but still, come on. You don’t give your twins names that fucking rhyme.)
Anywhow. Tuekie here was part of the original group with her sister, but we ended up having her stay back in Orgrimmar rather than join us for the trip to Pandaria, in no small part because…yeah. As you might have noticed…just a little tiny bit TOO fond of her mentor. So between the fact that in Pandaria I wouldn’t have the ability to send her back to her parents at the end of the day, and the fact that, as a rogue, who KNOWS what she could get up to sneaking around all invisible and shit…yeah, better to let her stay with mom and dad. FYI, there were a couple other trainees who ended up needing to stay back in Orgrimmar for one reason or another, so they’re still continuing their training back there while the other eight trainees are down here with me.
Oh and also, Teukie? “I’m older than I look”? Um, I KNOW how old you are. You’re freaking fourteen. I’m thirty-four, and you’re fourteen, and I haven’t hooked up with a teenager since I WAS a teenager, and the less said about that draenei girl in Nagrand the better, seeing as I don’t want Greatmother coming down here and boxing my ears. So will you give it a rest already because it isn’t going to happen, okay?
Seriously, do other teachers have to deal with this shit? Don’t stand so close to me.
Now as for the OTHER important part of this letter…
OMG WTF IS THAT SHIT?!?!
Okay…so…this is where I am TOTALLY on board with Teukie, because whoever is behind THAT thing…I…it…just…HOLY FUCKING HELL. “F.Y.G.” OMG
Okay. Okay…calming down…deep breaths…let’s look at this thing rationally.
So…we know we’re looking for someone whose name starts with a J. (By the way, I’m not sure if Johnny Awesome is really going to be our prime suspect here, but you know what? Go kill him anyway. Fucker.)
Also, based on…the product…it’s probably a safe bet that this is someone who really, really doesn’t like yours truly. So, right there, that narrows the field down A LOT, right?
Add to that the fact that that image is clearly using an Earth Online character model. So we’re dealing with someone who probably plays EO, or at least is familiar enough with the game that they would think to dip into it for the image.
So…J’s… Ji Firepaw couldn’t be it – yeah, he plays EO a little, but he’s pretty clueless in-game and I don’t see him being able to do that kind of image manipulation. Jorn Skyseer at Domination Point is out – he isn’t a gamer at all, and I’ve always gotten along pretty well with him. Jorin Deadeye? Hmm…I don’t THINK he plays EO, but let’s maybe not cross him off the list just yet.
There have to be other options, though. Think, Garrosh, think…someone who doesn’t like you, whose name starts with J…plays Earth Online…
Oh.
OH.
THAT FUCKING BITCH?!?!!
Ohhhhh man is she in for it. Let’s see how funny she thinks it is when I march down there and blow up her whole damn—OH WAIT, I TOTALLY ALREADY DID. So you know what? If this is her idea of revenge, if the worst thing she can come up with to get back at the Horde is to doctor up some sad little picture to send around the internet, hey, knock yourself out, Jaina. Have fun. Pretty fucking sad, when you think of it. Also pretty ironic that she’s making pictures of ME to put on the internet – seriously, lady, you want to go over some of the image searches for YOU that come up in my Google hits on a daily basis?
I just recently found your blog and just caught up on all of your postings. It’s been nice to see the more orcish side of such a larger than life leader. Plus, your lemon squares are truly a gift from the Light! Even though I am Forsaken, those lemon squares manage to bring life back to my taste buds.
I wanted to share a story I thought you might enjoy. I was searching for news on the events happening in Pandaria, and I came across a picture of Lor’themar Theron. I showed my husband (a blood elf paladin) the picture, and his response was “Who is the guy with the eyepatch?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t tell Lor’themar, I’d hate for him to get angry at me. I’d rather not have him glaring at me when I join up with the Reliquary in Pandaria.
Fare well in Pandaria, Warchief.
–Beshara Dawnblaze, Forsaken priestess of the Shadow and Light
Thanks for writing, Beshara. I’m not gonna lie. I LOL’ed reading that. I’m still kinda sitting here chortling, because…hehe…
“Who’s the guy with the eyepatch?”
“What, you mean Eyepatch?”
“That can’t really be his name, can it? People must call him something else, right?”
“Ponytail, maybe?”
“That’s not really a name, either.”
“Hair-Care? Cyclops?”
“I don’t think he would really answer to those, would he?”
“Well then I’m out.”
So, also, see? SEE? NOBODY knows the dude’s name, not even his own people. It’s not just me, and it’s not just the Earth Online gang. Other that Sylvanas, who seems to be able to remember him for some reason. Maybe it’s an undead thing. As far as those of us among the living go, though, I swear it’s like the guy has some crazy psychic field around him that makes everyone forget him as soon as they look away.
Anyway, I’ll look forward to meeting you when you get down here, Beshara. Tell you when, when you see me in person, if you want to crack me up right out of the gate? Just walk up and say “Eyepatch.”
I got a surprise for ya, mon! Dat letter ya got from Tandeleina in ya last mailbag? She was right, mon! I am Vol’jin! She figured it out, mon! I’m up an’ kickin’ an’ still on da loose! Ya bettah watch ya back, mon, ’cause I be comin’ for ya!
–Bob, Shado-Pan Mon Echo Isles
Okay, seriously, dude, do you think I haven’t figured out your MO yet? Come on. This jackass keeps writing to me, and more often than not he just comes up with some crazy ridiculous bullshit to yank my chain and jerk me around. And you know what? I’m man enough to admit a lot of the time he’s gotten me to bite. He’ll write some load of crap, and I’ll take the bait, and rant at him about it for a while, and meanwhile I’m sure he’s kicking back in troll-land laughing his ass off because trolls think positively EVERYTHING is fucking hilarious because felweed.
Well guess what. You’re not getting me this time, Bobbo. Yeah, you’re Vol’jin. Sure you are. Absolutely. You somehow miraculously survived the attack in the saurok cave, and you’ve gone off in hiding to heal up, and meanwhile you’ve been putting this WHOLE GIANT CONSPIRACY together behind my back, I’m sure, and recruiting people to help you, and biding your time before The Glorious Revolution where you overthrow me or some shit.
Yeah, sure. That’s real fucking likely.
Probably.
…
Where did I put that note from AlternateTimeline!Faranell again…?
Garrosh to the rescue (as usual)
You know, I’ve got to tell you, that Regent-Lord Ponytail is a real piece of work. First he bitches and moans because I assumed his people could handle themselves, then he tries to refuse extra help, only to have it turn out that he damn well needed it in the first place. “Why are you crying, Lor’thewhoever?” “Because it’s raining!” “Why were you crying yesterday?” “Because it wasn’t!” I swear I’d be half tempted to compare the high-maintenance fucker to Garona, except I’d give even odds Garona has a bigger dick.
YES I SAID IT. SOMEBODY had to say it.
Anyway. After we finished up at Tian Monastery, I flew up to Kun-Lai summit to see what ol’ Eyepatch and his Reliquary peeps managed to find. Turns out, they found a big gang of mogu running all over an area called the Valley of Emperors. Now, credit where it’s due – this time, rather than getting slapped around and then crying about it like a little girl, Eyepatch recruited some extra muscle from back at Domination Point to tag along and protect him. Like a little girl. So, you know, at least dude is being more proactive about his little girling. That’s something, I guess.
Anyhow, by the time I got up there, Ponytail had already collected some kind of sealed crate from the mogu, along with documents indicating the mogu were mobilizing now that some ancient ruler of theirs – the “Thunder King,” I think – has been resurrected. Because, as I might have mentioned once or twice before, nobody ever stays fucking DEAD anymore.
Ponytail had sent his hired help into one of the nearby tombs to try to track down the leader of this particular batch of mogu, which was fine, but when I told him I wanted to go in and check for myself, he just started protesting and arguing. Because his people were perfectly capable of handling things on their own, and why don’t we just wait here until they get back, because wind chill factor just adds to the ambience here on this snowy mountainside don’t you think? So I finally got sick of him stalling, and explained that I was going into the tomb whether he liked it or not. This explanation took the form of me clocking him one. I’m fairly sure – but not 100% — that he didn’t lose any teeth.
So I went on down to the tomb, and boy was it a good thing that I did. The valley around the tomb was pretty much overrun by mogu. Which meant, first of all, that Ponytail’s people would have had a hell of a time getting back OUT once they were finished – and second of all, bonus exercise for yours truly. Granted, it was BRIEF exercise, but it felt good to break out Gorehowl and clear a path for myself while dropping a mogu or two. Or three. Or 37. Really, the mogu should probably still count themselves lucky – I would have killed even more of them, but I think I forgot to carry the 1.
By the time I fought my way into the tomb, Eyepatch’s hired help had engaged the mogu leader…and were getting their asses handed to them. Luckily I showed up before they got completely flattened, and gave a good thorough beatdown to the mogu head honcho. BOY IT SURE IS A GOOD THING I WAITED WITH PONYTAIL AND DIDN’T INTERFERE DOWN THERE HUH GUYS. I tried to get the mogu to cough up some information on that Divine Bell relic, but he wasn’t having it. I was about to give him a nice lethal demonstration of my default penalty for being uncooperative, when one of the blood elf magisters ported him back to the base camp and yammered out this whole deal about giving his people a chance to get the information we want out of the prisoner. So, whatever. They want to take a crack at it, fine, even though I can’t see much that these elves are going to do to change the mogu’s attitude, unless he needs his highlights touched up or some shit.
At that point there wasn’t much else for me to do other than follow my handy-dandy trail of mogu corpses back out.
Pimp away.
Pimp away.
So after I pimped my way back to Mortimer, I left word for Lor’thewhatever to get his people working on the prisoner AND that sealed box they found, and headed on back to the Sanctum of Two Moons. I’ve got a couple things I want to check on while the elves get started. I’ll update again once I’ve had a chance to follow up on a couple leads.
The geometry of shadows
Okay, so, Gurtash finally managed to finish up the last part of this record from Tian Monastery. Just in the nick of time, too, seeing as apparently Regent-Lord Hair-Care and his people have found something up north, which means I should probably get up there before something jumps out and goes “BOO!” and they all wet themselves again and spend the next three months crying to me about the pee stains in their panties. Fucking blood elves.
Anyway, when we left off last time, we’d just gotten a visit from that Taran Zhu guy, which…well, the less said about that the better, I guess. Because dude, seriously. Moving on…
Credit where it’s due, Gurtash puts in the effort on these things, but man, he goes through a lot of paper. You should seriously see the stacks of sketches I’ve got piling up in my war room at Domination Point. I’m thinking I might have to find something to do with this stuff before it totally takes over…anybody have any interest in some drawings? Better the mailbox than the fireplace, I suppose.
Anyway, that’s it for now. Back soon with updates on whatever Lor’themotherfucker’s found in the mountains.
Monday mailbag
So, since Gurtash has been taking his damn time with the next set of doodles of what went down at Tian Monastery, I figured I’d take advantage of this break in the action to check on the mail. Let’s see what you peeps have for me this time…
After perusing some of your past mailbags, I’ve decided to go ahead and ask the question that I’m sure many people are wondering but no one seems willing to ask.
You do realize that Bob is really Vol’jin, right?
–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City
Okay, so, on the plus side: Thanks for writing, Tandeleina.
On the minus side: What are you, a frigging idiot?
First of all, okay, I know that that Bob jackass is always writing from the Echo Isles, and the Echo Isles are troll territory, but that doesn’t mean he’s Vol’jin. I mean, come on, sure the trolls are all weak and scrawny and stupid and lazy and pretty much useless, but you can’t assume because someone’s a troll that he must be Vol’jin. That’s just fucking racist.
Number two, even if the Echo Isles thing was enough to send up a red flag, a few weeks ago I got a letter from Bob, AFTER Vol’jin had been killed in the line of duty in Pandaria. So that should settle that.
But let’s say you’re really stubborn and paranoid, like those damn “the Cataclysm was an inside job” conspiracy people, and you’re still not convinced. Check this out. All of these letters I get for the mailbag are either hand-delivered standard-mail letters, or, mostly, e-mails. With the exception of his very first letter, all of Bob’s messages have been e-mails. Now, when I copy these letters, I don’t usually give out people’s e-mail addresses, because I figure most of my readers get enough creepy porn spam as it is (have you SEEN some of my Google hits?). But I see the addresses. You know what Bob’s is? Check this out: definitelynotvoljin@gmail.com.
So yeah. I bet you’re feeling pretty stupid now, aren’t you?
Regarding our esteemed Regent-Lord … well, some of us DID offer you the opportunity to replace him.
— A Concerned Citizen
Yeah, yeah, fine, ACC. Enough with the I-told-you-so’s. How was I supposed to know Regent-Lord Hair-Care was going to turn into this much of a willowy hemorrhoid? For like two years I didn’t even know he was there. Hell, I STILL can’t remember his actual fucking name half the time. Why do you think I give him so many nicknames? I mean, other than it being damn entertaining seeing what shade of purple he turns right before he throws a hissy fit over it.
Oh, speaking of which, after I wrote about ol’ Eyepatch a few days ago, his latest thing has been bitching and crying about the crack I made about…well…his eyepatch. I make one little joke about his loss of an eye and apparently it’s a big fucking deal, because (a) I may or may not have been the one who put his eye out while I was slapping him around a little while back (without the “may not” part), and (b) at the time I kept him around basically to tell him to STFU already rather than letting him run to a shaman to maybe get the eye patched up (OOPS I’M SO INSENSITIVE) fixed while they had the chance. I mean I’m pretty sure he was going to end up blinded in that eye anyway, but…I don’t know. Maybe they could have done something to make it less gross? Beats me. So yeah, fine, whatever, I didn’t save the eye that couldn’t see. My bad. Suck it up, Cyclops.
I hope you are doing well. Things have been a bit dull in Orgrimmar with you off claiming Pandaria for the glory of the Horde. I’ve taken up Earth Online to fill the time in the day when I normally would hang around outside Grommash Hold hoping for a glimpse of you. I even adopted a little white dog as my pet, although he’s something called a Bichon Frise, not a terrier like your Sawyer. His name is Sherpa.
What server are you on? Maybe I could come visit, or even join your guild? I bet Sawyer and Sherpa would have a good time playing together.
So would we.
Yours,
–Wega
You know what? I’ll be honest with you – I’m really torn here. I mean, on the one hand, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got enough crazy stalkerish women in my life without giving another one an invitation to come hang out in my guild. Also Wega’s not winning any bonus points for the whole “hanging around outside Grommash Hold watching for you” thing, because for real, people, is it just me or is anyone else picturing her writing this letter in a candlelit room that has a zillion pictures of me tacked up all over the walls? Because SHE WON’T BE IGNORED, GARROSH.
On the other hand, in a really weird, sick kind of way, I can’t help but feel like we could be looking at a real /popcorn situation if I were to toss Wega into the same guild chat with Garona. Dunno. I may have to think about this a little.
Anyhow, cute dog there, Wega. I’ll get back to you. In the meantime, please stop camping Grommash Hold. I’m not there now anyway, and I have it on good authority that you’re creeping Eitrigg the fuck out.
Recently, I had the opportunity to try Earth Online. I was intrigued by this amazing other world and the array of stories to follow. The toon I created is a cook for an American restaurant that I’m working to a world-class chef. However, trying to pass Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen dungeon has been a real pain in the…but I digress.
I discover in the game, Earth Online, what they call a movie theatre. When I clicked on it and paid the money they required, a wonderous cut scene occurred called The Avengers. It was amazing moment of entertainment about this colorful heroes saving Earth from an alien invasion.
Have you seen it? If not, you may want to.
There was one large hero that reminded me of you. One called Hulk. He is really big, angry, and likes to smash things.
Again, I digress.
The reason for my letter is to ask a simple question. If a movie were made of you, which Earth Online actor would you want to portray you?
Sincerely,
–Quelita, Tarren Mill
Thanks for writing, Quelita. I’ve talked about this before, but yeah, it really is impressive how much work they put into the game world, what with the cinematics and the readable in-game books and so on. It’s actually kind of scary how much time you can lose just checking that stuff out.
Before I get to your question, I’ve got to address one other thing you mentioned – the Hulk. Now, I haven’t seen The Avengers, and I’m not planning to, PRECISELY because of that character. Usually the people over at Genesis Entertainment do a real bang-up job putting together these cut scenes, but I seriously don’t know WHAT the fuck they were thinking putting in that Hulk character.
I mean, think about it. Here’s this guy who flies into a rage – or, a BLOOD HAZE, IF YOU WILL – and gets bigger, and stronger, and turns all crazy and aggressive and destructive, and HE TURNS GREEN.
Um. SERIOUSLY?
RACIST much? The FUCK, Genesis?
Okay, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Now for your question – which, I’ve got to say, is a pretty good question. I hadn’t really given much thought to who I would cast in a movie about me, not least of all because, let’s face it, nobody’s going to bring enough awesome to the table to do me justice, so I should probably just play myself, only we’re talking about an Earth Online cinematic, not real life, so I couldn’t actually do that, so there goes that idea. Fuck.
So okay, let’s break this down.
Obviously you’d want someone who would be physically believable as me – so we’re looking at somebody with a strong physique, who you could buy as a powerful, badass fighter. Bonus points if he can carry off the bald look. A track record as an ass-kicking hero type would be pretty important too.
Hmm. Okay, so this guy wouldn’t be TERRIBLE, but…I don’t know. I mean, fine, he was plenty strong when he was playing the Thing, but his build really isn’t so much powerful as it’s…just kind of big and lumpy. Plus, I’m not crazy about the language skills – maybe it was just the script he was stuck with, but honestly, I just don’t see EPIC VERSE coming from this guy.
Oh and speaking of the script? Both those Fantastic Four cinematics he was in pretty much sucked. Moving on.
Okay, this is a little better. Maybe not blowing you away with the big, powerful build, but he’s definitely got the action-hero street cred, and he can rock the bald thing in no uncertain terms. So that’s the up side.
Down side… Well, first of all, as much as he has the badass track record, dude is just old at this point. He’s supposed to be, what, 60 at this point? All the credit in the world for the stuff he’s been in up till now, but come on, nobody’s going to buy a 60-year-old as a don’t-fuck-with-me badass. (DO NOT TELL SAURFANG I SAID THAT.)
Still, I could maybe turn a blind eye (LOR’THE’MOTHERFUCKER APOLOGISTS: DRINK) to the age thing, but this guy has another strike against him: by and large, he tends to go the softspoken route with his characters. Sort of the strong but understated type. Which is fine, it totally works when he does it, but I don’t know if he can flip from that to go larger than life. You know, LIVING IN CAPTIAL LETTERS. I’d be a lot more comfortable with somebody I knew could really project and command the room and put some authority in his voice. Bonus points if he’s not afraid throw some strong language into the mix while he’s at it.
Okay, NOW we’re getting somewhere. Long track record as a no-fucking-around badass? Check. Looks good with no hair? Check. Volume dial on his voice goes to eleven? Check. “Fuck” is like “good morning” to him? Double and triple check. Believable laying down some epic badass dialogue? YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS CHECK. Experience with an awesomely kickass melee weapon? Check.
Granted he might be a little up there in years too, but whatever, I’m not going to get too hung up on that if everything else is lining up.
Okay, hang on, I already told you about the Saurfang thing. Hmm. You know, I’m starting to think this guy might have a little TOO much attitude. I’m not going to take any sassing from someone pretending to be me. Dude’s gotta remember who’s the original and who’s the economy pack here.
Okay, so let’s refine this to the really key components. Strong, powerful, don’t-fuck-with-me badass. Track record doing action. Commanding voice and a willingness to turn up the volume. Able to throw some words together and maybe even lay down a rhyme. Can carry off non-standard hair. And hey, while we’re at it, since he’ll have to wear Mannoroth’s tusks and some earrings like I do, it’d be good to know this is someone who can lug around some ornamentation and make it look cool.
Oh HELL yeah. Sold. Done. Check please. The end.
That’s going to do it for this time, but as always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com. It’s great to hear from you guys, and answering your questions is always good times, so don’t just sit there like an asshole, write in to your Warchief now. I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN’T.
More soon.
