Tag Archives: nazgrim
Monday mailbag
So before I head out to check on the Temple of the Red Crane, I figured I’d make a quick mailbag check and dip into the latest batch of letters.
Hello sir. I’m one of Overlord Runthak’s trainees and I’ve been reading your blog for a long time. I’ve noticed that between Garona and Warlord Zaela, and even mailbag writers like Wega, you really seem to have a following among the ladies. My question is, how do you do it? I haven’t had much luck with the girls in my training group, and I bet it would help a lot if I knew your secret.
Thank you,
–Dol’akar
Hoo boy. This one again. See, Dol’akar, I wish it was that simple, but seriously, this is kind of like going up to Mylune and saying, “Teach me to be batshit crazy like you.”
Thing is, something like 85% of my game comes down to the fact that I look like a canister of distilled sexy, kick ass on two planets, and – let’s face it – lay the pipe like an army of plumbers in the Wetlands. And all that’s just natural. Now, since you’re a trainee, I’d like to tell you that part of your problem is that you’re still just a teenager, and adolescent awkwardness and blah blah blah, and things will get better as you get older, but honestly? I was doing just fine for myself when I was a teenager in Nagrand (I tell you, those draenei girls were crazy back in the day), so, you know…again, natural.
Still, if you think it’ll help you at all, I can let you in on the other 30% of my game. To start with, you want to buckle down in your combat training. This should help you in a number of ways. First off, it’ll keep you in good shape, which at least gives you an outside chance of offsetting a little sliver of the disadvantage of having no shot at being as dead sexy as me. Second, it’ll put you in a better position to beat the living crap out of any competition you might run into from among the other trainees. This will show the girls that you’re sensitive to their needs. Those needs being, of course, that they need to stop wasting their time on those other assholes and focus on you, and hey, what the fuck do you even think YOU’RE doing here, chump? But yeah, girls seem to like that sensitivity crap – don’t ask me why – so that should win you some points. And third, the better you do in battle, the faster you’ll be able to advance through the ranks.
Which brings us right to our next point: power is sexy. Let me tell you, after Nazgrim made the jump from Sergeant all the way up to Legionnaire and then General, he had women all over him. You know, until he crashed two ships and killed them all. But that’s a whole other thing. (This reminds me of another suggestion: Work on your piloting skills. Because why tempt fate?) Anyway, point being, moving up in the world can only help your chances. Just keep in mind that you’re looking at a hard cap of High Overlord, seeing as the only thing above that is Warchief, and we all know I’m not going anywhere for a long time.
Hope this helps.
Hey hey, Garry! Wazzup, my man?
I just built myself a chopper and it’s hella rad. Damn, but I look kickass ridin’ that hog! Got the ladies all over me. But then I thought I need some wicked cool tats to seal the deal, ya know what I mean? So I was flippin’ through some mags for ideas and whoa! Double page spread of Mr. Warchief-crush-your-head himself! And I’m like, “Dayum, that’s some fine art right there.” High five, buddy.
So… where’d you get your ink done? I need a parlor that can capture my style, yo.
–Fizzpop “The Fizz” Clutchgear
Sup, Fizz. First of all, before we go any further – I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again:
Okay, now that that’s out of the way.
Glad to see that somebody appreciates the tattoos. Oh, wait, lots of somebodies already do, of the female persuasion (see previous letter). But still, thanks anyway.
I had most of my tattoos done in that little window of relatively-not-fucked-up time just after becoming Warchief and just before the Cataclysm. They’re ceremonial markings from the Warsong clan, done by a Mag’har tattoo artist from Nagrand. I actually had him recommended to me by blademaster Burzum. He was always really helpful. You know, before he went all snarly-sha-crazy. But I digress.
I could put you in touch with the guy if you want to look him up. If you ever find yourself in Garadar, look for Vanteg. I hear he’s been in pretty high demand since word got out that he’d done the Warchief’s ink, so you might have to get on a waiting list. Feel free to drop my name, though. He might skip you ahead in line. Either that, or he’ll figure you’re another one of the people who show up and lie about knowing me, in which case, you know, sucks for you. Them’s the breaks.
Well, of course the Star-Tribune is biased. (Besides, I’m pretty sure that if you trace it through far enough, the Regent-Lord owns it.) That’s not the point. The official line has always been that the Regent-Lord is doing a fine, bang-up job. And, at least out loud and in public, everyone with an ounce of sense agrees. He’s not above having his guys straight-up mind-control people talking out of turn in public. For real-talk, you have to go to the shadowy dives off of Murder Row … and what’s new is that it’s getting harder to find dissent even there. It may be begrudged respect, but growing respect, nonetheless. People want to believe that the old Lor’themar is coming back, the man who used to be the Ranger-General’s second-in-command, the one who used to be … well, not completely useless. And perception can take on a reality all its own.
Then again, this may just mean that the magisters have started slumming, and everyone’s getting a helping of re-programming. It’d still have the same effect, and I’m not qualified to tell the difference.
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey, ACC. Good to hear from you as always.
So hang on, let me make sure I have this straight. You’re saying that Ponytail controls the media and information outlets in Silvermoon, is forcibly silencing dissent, and is subtly manipulating the population of his capital city into a hero-worshipping, glory-seeking, cult-of-personality bunch of jingoistic wahoos?
Hoo boy. That’s not good news for anybody any way you cut it.
Sir,
I was out picking herbs today to mill for me inscription training. It’s Father’s Day and I was picking Gromsblood, which got me to wondering … How do ye feel about having an herb that only grows in places tainted by fel magics be named after yer dad? And if it bothers ye, have ye ever thought of having it changed?
Sincerely,
–Kriann, Jr. Member, Explorers’ League
Hey, good to hear from you, Kriann. On the other hand, kind of sounds like you might be a dwarf, in which case, fuck you, Kriann. Anyway, thanks for writing.
So about the gromsblood. I see where you’re going with the fel-tainted thing, but that’s never really bothered me. For one thing, I usually just look at it as a name given to honor the awesomeness of my dad. It’s actually pretty fitting, in a way. Wherever there’s land infested with fel magic, wherever there are demons lurking about, there’s a little reminder of Grom, ready to give them the ol’ Mannoroth special. I usually don’t read much more into it than that.
Also, the fact of the matter is, it’s not at all uncommon to have an herb named after a prominent figure. There are tons of them. You probably know about Khadgar’s whisker, for instance, and then there was Arthas’ tears until that stupid ballot initiative passed and renamed them to sorrowmoss, because spirits forbid we should offend the spirit of Arthas and make him cry even more. But there are actually lots of other, more obscure ones that a lot of people haven’t heard about. For instance:
Creeping Sylvanas – Sometimes called the Syl-vine-us, although that’s actually inaccurate since it’s not technically a vine. This is a strange type of plant that’s created by herbicides. You spray your garden and kill the weeds…and then a few days later, those hey-weren’t-those-dead weeds grow back in the form of creeping Sylvanas. And start killing loads of other plants and turning THEM into creeping Sylvanas. And then after a while they seem to settle down and mostly get along with most of the regular vegetables in your garden, only you can’t quite shake the sinking feeling that maybe they’re up to something that you can’t put your finger on.
Broxigar Thornbush – The only plant ever known to harm Sargeras. Which is a weird distinction to keep track of, but I guess academics need something to do. Anyway, when Sargeras first arrived on Azeroth, he started ranting on and on about “dark titan” this and “destruction is nigh” that – you know, like you do when you’re a cartoonish bad guy – and then in the middle of this, he pricked himself on one of these thornbushes, and started howling pathetically about “Ouch my finger owies ow OWW!” Which kind of took the edge off the whole “fiery apocalypse” thing. Kind of gives you an idea of why the dude lost, though.
Lor’themar Pansy – Contrary to what you’re probably thinking, this isn’t a reference to the actual guy, but to a plant. As a general rule, if you see some frilly-looking flowers around somewhere, and you kind of recognize them, but you’re not sure what they’re called, so you’re all, “You know, those flowers. From the place. The red ones”? Those are probably Lor’themar pansies.
Cairne Blossom – This plant used to grow all over the place in Mulgore until Magatha tricked me into pruning it all. Oops.
Fordragon Lily – These tall, striking bulb plants were named for Bolvar Fordragon, since they used to grow all around his old outpost in the Dragonblight. For some reason, right at the end of the Northrend campaign, they all withered and mutated into a strain of lichbloom. I’ve never been able to figure that one out. I tried asking Tirion about it once, and he just got all quiet. Which is noteworthy because it was the only time in history that the words “Tirion” and “quiet” have ever appeared together in a sentence that didn’t also include the words “needs to be.”
Thrallvine – This stuff grows on the side of your house and pretty much just sits there being innocuous and not doing anything, other than making random passers-by yammer on about how awesome it is. Then out of the blue it goes on a crazy growth spurt so everywhere you look, there it is, until you’re just goddamn sick of looking at it all the time. I bet you could replace that shit with a way better plant that would make your house stronger and be nicer on the eyes to boot, but you’ll probably just wind up with a bunch of assholes bitching about it. Also your landlord seems to have an inexplicable, unhealthy attachment to the stuff so you know they’d never let you get rid of it.
That’s it for this time around. As always, keep those letters coming, and I’ll try to brighten your empty lives with my inspiring answers again soon.
Burdens of the spirit
After the disaster with the Divine Bell, I spent a couple days channeling old-Nagrand-Garrosh – brooding and moping in my quarters here at Domination Point. Other than occasional tactical reports from General Nazgrim, most people had the good sense to leave me to myself. Hell, even Dontrag and Utvoch managed to keep their yaps shut for a couple days. This may or may not be related to me slapping them around several times when I first got back to the base.
The time to myself gave me the chance to think more about where to go from here. After what went down at the Emperor’s Reach, it’s painfully obvious that I need to start taking matters into my own hands. Trouble is, in practical terms, I’m not sure what that actually ENTAILS. So, one step at a time: Time to act one the one avenue I have open to me, and worry about what comes next when I get there. Elder Cloudfall told me he could help prepare me for my destiny, or however he fortune-cookied it, so it’s time to take him up on the offer.
Granted, I’m not exactly thrilled about what little I’ve heard about that Kypari Zar place, so a few more answers might be nice. Any bets on whether I’ll actually get them?
Anyway, I had some trouble tracking down Cloudfall at first. He wasn’t anywhere on the base, and Ben-Lin didn’t know where he’d wandered off to. Finally, Jorn Skyseer told me he’d been talking with Cloudfall about some of the areas nearby that our hunting parties have been hitting up, and he pointed me toward the island to the east. The one where the trainees used to go crane hunting when we first set up shop here in Pandaria.
I flew over to the island, with Taktani in tow. Cloudfall was sitting on a rock along the shore. He and Zhi-Zhi were sitting back to back in one of those meditation poses that look like they would hurt your legs like hell, eyes closed, off in their own little world.
GARROSH – Hey, Gramps.
(Mr. Elder Panda man and his money friend just keep sitting on the rock and being quiet.)
GARROSH – Elder?
(Elder Panda still doesn’t respond.)
GARROSH – Hello? Chimps? Anybody home?
(Mr. Monkey didn’t answer either. I hope his ears are okay!)
GARROSH – (tapping Zhi-Zhi on the shoulder) Hey, Banana Boy!
ZHI-ZHI – (jumping, startled) AAAH! Oh…oh, the One! Much apologizing, Zhi-Zhi did not see you, was thinking great thoughts.
GARROSH – Uh, yeah, whatever. So listen, I… Hang on. (turning to me) Tak?
TAKTANI – Hi!
(Mr. Warchief kind of stared at me for a minute. Maybe he forgot what he was going to say?)
GARROSH – Yeah, hi. So now that we’ve met, is there a reason why you’re not, y’know, writing anything down?
TAKTANI – Oh! I’m sorry, Mr. Warchief. I forgot to bring my paper.
GARROSH – You…forgot.
TAKTANI – I left it back in my room!
GARROSH – You realize that’s the ENTIRE reason I bring you places, right?
TAKTANI – Don’t be mad! I’m sorry!
(Mr. Warchief rubbed his eyes and forehead for a minute. I think maybe his eyes were sore because of how sunny it was. I should give him some sunglasses for his birthday! Does anyone know when his birthday is?)
GARROSH – (still rubbing his eyes) Of all your crimes, Mokvar, this may be the most grating…
TAKTANI – I don’t understand, Mr. Warchief.
GARROSH – Never mind. Okay, look, Tak, you’re not off the hook yet. You just made some extra homework for yourself.
TAKTANI – But I’m not in school, Mr. Warchief!
GARROSH – Yeah, well, maybe this will teach you lesson #1: Don’t forget the tools of your damn trade!
TAKTANI – I’m sorry! 🙁
GARROSH – So…here’s what you’re going to do. Most of the sand around here looks pretty wet. So YOU, little miss Swiss Cheese Brain, can just sit yourself down and write your notes in the sand, and then come back with your paper and copy it later.
TAKTANI – Ooh, that sounds fun!
GARROSH – BEFORE THE DAMN TIDE COMES IN. (sighs) Okay. So. Back to you, monkey boy. What’s up with Old Man Furball here? Is he off in some weird panda brain-freeze zone or something?
(While Mr. Warchief was talking, I started writing everything in the sand like he said, like this and this and this and YAY this is fun! Oh and I did like he said and came back later to copy it all down and I even brought Mr. D and Mr. U to help check my spelling, because they’re smart and nice. And SEE, Mr. Warchief, I got it all done just like you said! Oh oh oh but while I was writing it out, there was a seagull flying around, and it pooped on the first page. I hope you notice it’s there before you touch it.)
I didn’t.
ZHI-ZHI – Ah, ah, yes, Elder Cloudfall is in deep meditation. Much more focused than Zhi-Zhi. As matter of fact, Elder has been teaching Zhi-Zhi meditation techniques, teaching to block out everything around Zhi-Zhi. Will help to center Zhi-Zhi.
GARROSH – So you can think more great thoughts.
ZHI-ZHI – Ahh! You are understanding!
GARROSH – So how long does it usually take for Captain Comatose to come back out of these—
CLOUDFALL – (not moving, eyes still closed) I can hear you, Warchief Garrosh.
ZHI-ZHI – Elder!
GARROSH – So, Gramps, if you could hear me, any particular reason you didn’t answer me before?
CLOUDFALL – (continuing to keep his eyes closed) I was in the midst of pursuing a line of thought. I felt it more pressing that I complete it.
GARROSH – Isn’t it kind of rude to just ignore people when they talk to you?
CLOUDFALL – Is it not rude to interrupt people who are clearly meditating?
ZHI-ZHI – But, erm, Elder, you are hearings all the transpiringses…um…were we not practicing our deep meditation exercises?
CLOUDFALL – I have been practicing these techniques since before your great grandmother was born, Zhi-Zhi.
GARROSH – So anyway, now that you’re done with that—
CLOUDFALL – I’m not.
GARROSH – You’re what?
CLOUDFALL – As I said, Warchief Garrosh, I have been availing myself of the peace and solitude of the beach to think.
GARROSH – Um, okay?
CLOUDFALL – I’m not finished.
(Mr. Panda Elder still hadn’t opened his eyes, and now he settled back into place more.)
GARROSH – Hang on, you’re seriously going to blow me off so you can fucking go back to…whatever, going over your grocery list or backtracking to wherever you left your keys, or whatever the fuck you’re doing?
(Mr. Panda didn’t say anything.)
GARROSH – (to Zhi-Zhi) Is he for real?
ZHI-ZHI – (shrugs and waves one hand) Is easier not trying to argue, truths to telling.
CLOUDFALL – There. (opens his eyes, stands, and turns to Garrosh) Now I am finished.
GARROSH – Well yay.
TAKTANI – Yay!
GARROSH – DON’T START.
TAKTANI – Oh. 🙁
GARROSH – So do you mind telling me what was so important that it couldn’t wait?
(Mr. Panda man looked around the beach a few times.)
CLOUDFALL – Your pupil, Gurtash, and his peers. I understand they used to come here on occasion.
GARROSH – Oh. Yeah. They used to go hunting here.
CLOUDFALL – (nods) This is a sacred place, you know. The Cradle of Chi-Ji, the Great Crane.
GARROSH – Look, if you’re going to start complaining that they came here to—
CLOUDFALL – You misunderstand me, Warchief Garrosh. I did not come here to pass judgment. I came merely to visit a place of some import to the youths, away from the bustle of your fortifications, and allow them to enter my thoughts.
GARROSH – Ah. Yeah. They’ve been in mine a lot lately, too.
CLOUDFALL – Indeed.
(Mr. Warchief got kind of quiet and Mr. Panda man stayed quiet for a minute too and watched him.)
CLOUDFALL – In any case, I’m sure you did not seek me out to revisit such things. How may I be of help to you?
GARROSH – By doing what you came here for in the first place. You said you could help me get ready for this great destiny of mine.
CLOUDFALL – Indeed. Or rather, I believe I can help you to meet it. Whether it will prove to be great or not will be very much up to you.
GARROSH – Well, either way, you said that this Kypari Zar place is where he need to go to get started. So, whenever you’re ready to go, let’s go.
CLOUDFALL – I also told you that you carry many shadows with you.
GARROSH – Kind of the point of us going to that Zar place, right?
CLOUDFALL – Indeed. But you carry more now. Perhaps needlessly.
GARROSH – (sighs) Can you bottom-line this, maybe, or are you going to do a whole speech again?
ZHI-ZHI – (waving his hand) Really much easier not to tryings with the arguings.
CLOUDFALL – (pointing northward) The temple to the north. That is where the…calamity occurred?
GARROSH – Yeah, don’t remind me.
CLOUDFALL – Have you gone there since then?
GARROSH – No.
CLOUDFALL – You should.
GARROSH – Look, Gramps, I get that you’re probably going for some kind of hippie closure crap here, but if you think it’s actually going to IMPROVE my mood to go up there and find a bunch of—
CLOUDFALL – Warchief Garrosh, no facts that you find there will be so damaging to the soul as the nightmares your mind has conjured in their absence.
GARROSH – (looking north) Yeah, maybe.
CLOUDFALL – And in the process, you may allow yourself the opportunity to bring one lesser shadow with you on our journey.
GARROSH – (sighs) You’re just going to stonewall me until I go, aren’t you?
ZHI-ZHI – Really not worth tryings to—
GARROSH – (slapping Zhi-Zhi) Shut it, Spanks.
CLOUDFALL – Kypari Zar will still be there when you are done.
GARROSH – (turns and starts to walk toward Mortimer) Yeah, fine. I’ll drop little miss Happy Kitty here off at the base, and get a couple things squared away, then… (stops, then looks back at Cloudfall) You know, I’ve heard of that Kypari Zar place before.
CLOUDFALL – (perks an eyebrow) Oh?
GARROSH – Last year. I didn’t even know what “Kypari Zar” was. But someone in…high places…told me if I went there, I would die.
CLOUDFALL – (nods slowly) You may. In fact, you will.
GARROSH – Not the best sales pitch, Gramps.
CLOUDFALL – You will die if you go there. But then, you will die if you do not. Just as I will die if I take you, and I will die if I do not. That we will die is assured, Warchief Garrosh. The only question is how, and when, and why.
GARROSH – That’s a cop-out and you know it.
CLOUDFALL – I know no such thing.
GARROSH – (shrugs and climbs onto Mortimer) Well, whatever. I’ve got enough on my mind these days, what’s one more thing, right?
CLOUDFALL – If I might make a suggestion, Warchief Garrosh. A great many years ago, a former mentor offered me certain words of solace. A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.
GARROSH – What’s that?
CLOUDFALL – Have a drink. Next one’s on me.
Not the worst idea in the world, actually. I might head downstairs and see what we have on tap. Meanwhile, I’m going to put a couple things in order here at the base, then take Mortimer back out for a flight over to the Temple of the Red Crane. For better or worse.
More soon.
For whom the bell tolls
Well THAT was a big whole production to go through for not much of anything.
Last night, I gathered a select group of Horde personnel at the Emperor’s Reach – an ancient, abandoned mogu structure that we found in Kun-Lai – to finally tap into the power of the Divine Bell. Malkorok brought a battalion of Kor’kron troops to oversee the proceedings, including some who were hand-picked to have the honor of being the first to be gifted with new power. The best of the best. Juggernauts.
Blademaster Ishi was on hand as well, along with a few other select Horde heroes from the Pandaren campaign, and once everyone was gathered and ready, I took up the hammer…mallet…um…weird-looking club doohicky? Look, for honest, I’m not sure WHAT that thing was supposed to be. But it was better suited for ringing a bell than Gorehowl would have been, so whatever. Point is, I cracked out that bad boy, and for the first time in who-knows-how-long, the Divine Bell rang.
And so marks the last point in the evening that things went to plan.
As the Bell rang, we could see the dark, shadowy outlines of bizarre, twisted creatures appearing on the platform. Transparent and shifting, but just enough to know they were there. So THAT’S what these sha look like. Up to this point, I’d only seen them in bits and pieces – claws mostly – when they’d partly seized onto other people.
Yes, I said “partly.” I wouldn’t have thought that what happened to Burzum was only partial corruption by the sha. Little did I know. Because now, I was treated to a front-row seat as, one by one, the sha descended onto our Kor’kron juggernauts…and transformed them into sha themselves. They were horrible to behold – I can see why the pandas and even Tak-Tak yammer on about steering clear of them. I tried to urge the Kor’kron on and encourage them to seize control of the sha energy coursing through them, but no such luck. They couldn’t. They lost themselves to it. And in the end there was nothing to be done but for the Horde champions on hand to slay the Kor’kron-turned-sha before they ran out of control.
Clearly, Malkorok had overestimated the mental toughness of that first batch of Kor’kron. I was just about to let Ishi show the rest of the bunch how a true veteran of the Mag’har does it, when I was interrupted by a surprise visitor.
Want to know who?
YOU WILL NOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT.
Anduin.
Yes, THAT Anduin.
Anduin Wrynn, Prince of Stormwind.
Anduin fucking Wrynn, Prince of Stormwind, former prisoner of General Nazgrim until who the fuck even knows what happened I mean WTF, and newest volunteer to be a speechifying hemorrhoid on my curvy brown ass, because, hey, why not give fucking EVERYONE a turn at this point, right?
So, yeah, fucking ANDUIN comes strolling on up like it’s something to do – props, by the way, to my alleged BODYGUARD Malkorok for the crack security job there – and starts yapping away about the dangers of the Bell, and Garrosh-you-mustn’t. You know, the ol’ Baine-Vol’jin standard. Same tune, different verse.
Worked just about as well for him. I shrugged him off and rang the Bell again, and this time, the sha magic descended onto Ishi. Unlike the initial Kor’kron, he actually put up a fight and resisted…for a moment, anyway. Then, after a minute, he was altered into a sha as well. Except in his case, even with his body gone, his voice remained.
His voice, but not his words.
While our champions fought to subdue him, Ishi started spewing out words consumed by fear and rage and despair. No sign remaining of the strong, brave orc I knew, despite my urging for him to retake control.
In the end, there was nothing left – again – but for our champions to put him to rest. But of all his rantings before he fell, there was one that kept echoing in my thoughts.
Why should we be slaves to honor, when we could slaughter the children of our enemies while they sleep? My blade thirsts for Alliance blood!
Control your anger, I told him. There is killing, and then there is murder, I told him. We’re not the ones who murder innocents. We’re not the ones who kill children, confused and far from home. Left to rot in a festering swamp. Baited into a coward’s trap, tricked into an early death by a vainglorious king…
And then I looked up to find the presumptuous whelp of Varian Wrynn yipping at me.
He was fourteen years old.
Among the orcs, that made him a man.
The human brat used some mallet to crack and silence the Divine Bell, and I was far past my threshold for patience. I swung my hammer at him. He ducked out of the way, and the blow slammed into the Bell, which was already cracking apart. The Bell shattered, and the pieces crumbled onto the whelp, burying him under a massive heap of metal and stone. I could hear him cry out as his bones snapped. Then silence.
Good. Let Varian have a taste of true suffering.
It’s back to the drawing board for us. For now. I’d underestimated the effort it would take to master this sha power. Ishi and the others were too weak-willed, and they failed me as a result.
This is what I get for not taking matters into my own hands.
When the time comes, soon, I won’t repeat their failure. And I won’t repeat the mistake of delegating our fate to lesser orcs. Too much depends on it. Too high a price already. The Horde will prevail, strong, proud, united in purpose – a rebirth of glory. And it all depends on me to lead the way. It’s ALWAYS depended on me. I see that now.
I won’t fail. I CAN’T fail.
I have a destiny.
I’m the One.
Departures
As if Elder Cloudfall’s parting comment about Kypari Zar didn’t already leave me with enough on my mind, I had a hell of a greeting waiting for me at Domination Point. When Gurtash, Ben-Lin, Taktani, and I got back, we learned that an Alliance strike team had attacked the base – and killed Warlord Bloodhilt. General Nazgrim and Blood Guard Gro’tash were able to rally the good guys and drive the Alliance off, but by that point the damage was done. During the defense, we also lost Stone Guard Ruk’Ra, Chief Bombgineer Snicklefritz, and Or’Dac of the Stonemaul ogres in Brackenwall Village. Way too many good people gone in one day.
During our debriefing, Nazgrim said that based on the way the Alliance force went about the attack, he believes they were targeting Bloodhilt from the outset – they went straight for the command center and bypassed any number of other viable strike points along the way. So in Nazgrim’s assessment, the Alliance objective was to take out the on-site commanding officer. Cut off the head of the beast, basically.
GARROSH – I only wish I’d been here when the human bastards attacked.
NAZGRIM – With all due respect, Warchief, I’m rather glad you weren’t.
GARROSH – Why? You don’t think I could have made the difference in stopping them from getting to Bloodhilt if I’d been here?
NAZGRIM – Sir, I don’t know that the Alliance had any reason to believe you wouldn’t be here. If you had been, you might have been the target instead of the Warlord.
GARROSH – (scowling) I don’t much like the idea that Bloodhilt might have died in my place, Nazgrim.
NAZGRIM – You’re our Warchief, sir. You are the Horde. Rest assured, any one of us would gladly lay down our life for your survival.
I’ll tell you right now, this is going to bother me for a while. Bloodhilt was a good man, someone I had an eye on for more and greater things in the future, and his death leaves a tough hole to fill. I’ve appointed Nazgrim to take over as commanding officer of the Dominance Offensive. So that covers things logistically, at least.
It’s pretty obvious, though, that we need to step up our defenses. I’m having our naval forces increase their patrols in the area, and I’m also going to see about establishing a wider perimeter on the ground. Bases, watch points. There’s that old panda temple to the east that Krimpatul reported on recently – it’s in an ideal position to monitor enemy activity in Krasarang Wilds, plus it even has a structure already in place. So I’m having Commander Scargash take a couple divisions of troops over to secure it as a Horde outpost and early-warning station. There’s no sign of Alliance activity in the vicinity now, so it should be a quick, clean takeover.
I’m also having Krimpatul go with Scargash and his forces, and bring the DPS kids along with him. For one, Krimp has been there before, so he knows the area and can probably be helpful to Scargash. Plus, it might be good for the trainees to be present to see a low-impact operation in action. From what I hear, too, that temple is kind of the king-size version of that island full of cranes near here, the one where the kids have been hunting for waterfowl to help with the food supplies. So I figure they can do some more hunting in the new spot, too. Good for their morale to see us eating well and know they’re the reason why. Not to mention, they’ve always seemed pretty fond of Krimp, so they’ll probably enjoy spending some time with him in the field.
ONE piece of good news that’s come in: Some of our scouts have just reported that they’ve found a structure along the northern Kun-Lai coast that matches the one where Shan Kien supposedly hid away the Divine Bell. I’m sending Ishi there with a unit of Kor’kron to check it out. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, in case this turns out to be a wild goose chase, but with any luck we’ll finally be in business soon.
Meanwhile, Elder Cloudfall should be getting here…well…when he gets here. Between then and now, I’ve got some thinking to do.
Monday mailbag
Before I really get rolling with my investigations in Kun-Lai summit, I figured I’d make a pit stop and check on the mail. Here’s what we have this time around…
I haven’t had the chance to get out to Pandaria yet, but I look forward to joining the war effort soon. In the meantime, I’m curious, what’s your take on all that Pandaren beer I’ve been hearing so much about?
–Kalaban, Undercity
Thanks for writing, Kalaban. Gotta say, I’ve been dipping into the local panda brews quite a bit since I’ve been out here (Can you blame me? Have you SEEN the cast of characters I’ve got surrounding me?), and they’re not bad at all. It’s really pretty hard for me to give much more of a review than that, because if there’s one thing panda beers have going for them, it’s VARIETY. They’ve got these lighter, thinner ones that personally I think are almost like drinking water (I’m gonna bet those are pretty popular with the blood elves), all the way up to some serious, heavy-duty, knock-you-on-your-ass brews. Plus everything in between, including all kinds of flavor varieties. I guess that’s what happens when half the population seems to work in the brewing industry in one way or another.
And really, quality-wise you can’t complain about any of it. The ones that are so-so are still totally drinkable. And the ones that are GOOD? Man. They make half the stuff you get during Brewfest seem like you’re drinking carbonated kodo piss. Speaking of which, I’m almost afraid to imagine what’s going to happen when the pandas get their first look at Brewfest next year, because holy shit.
That’s the other thing you notice about the pandas, I’ve got to say. Dipping into the beer is so much a part of their culture that you don’t even realize that almost the entire population has a constant, low-level buzz going. And the funny thing is, yeah, sure, they enjoy drinking and all, but they manage to stay really chill about it, like you never see any angry drunks anywhere (take notes, Tirion). But it’s also like a cultural expectation that they stay vaguely buzzed even beyond the sheer fun of knocking a few back. Which, by the way, makes me worry about General Nazgrim going native on us – you may have noticed, dude has this nasty habit of boarding ships and then winding up smashing them to bits, and I’m thinking that trend won’t be helped if he starts getting into the habit of boozing it up to boot. Not to mention, he’s a general and needs to stay combat-ready. Can’t have him getting a beer belly on us.
Someone is going around posting this…uhhh….manipulated image of you. It’s a travesty and demoralizing to the horde! This cannot keep going! I find too many who are laughing at this.
The fool cryptically added FYG and sign it J. I am not sure what that means, but it can’t be nice. Fattening Your Gut? Fondly Yours Garona? (bitch!) F..ff..ffffffuucc…. ooooooh……OH. OOOOHHH! O.O
SIR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I WILL HUNT DOWN THIS…THIS…LESS THAN A PEON WORTHLESS SCUM, SLIT HIS THROAT, AND MAKE A NECKLACE FROM HIS TEETH AS A GIFT TO YOU!
I WILL NOT STAND HAVING SOMEONE MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN JI!
I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERY PERSON WHO’S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER J STARTING WITH THAT FREAKING BLONDIE BOY JOHNNY AWESOME!
(Like the caps? Me too.)
After all the J’s are dead, their heads hanging of the gates of Ogrimmar, and the streets flowing with their blood…can we like, go out? I think you’re so cute…even if you have a little bit of a belly. (You may want to take it easy on the pancakes and lemon squares, sir.)
Forever in my Heart,
–Tuekie, Rogue Trainee, Ogrimmar
PS: I’m older than I look. Ok?
Okay, so first of all, just so everybody knows, Tuekie here is one of the Dead Peons Society trainees that I’ve been working with the last few months, part of that whole group Gurtash is in. She’s actually the twin sister of Ruekie, a shaman trainee I think I’ve mentioned once before.
And yes, I know. Somebody had twins and named them Ruekie and Tuekie. And yes, I agree. Death is too good for some parents. (Granted, “Ruekie” and “Tuekie” are nicknames, and their original, given names – Rue’kara and Tue’kara – are a little better, but still, come on. You don’t give your twins names that fucking rhyme.)
Anywhow. Tuekie here was part of the original group with her sister, but we ended up having her stay back in Orgrimmar rather than join us for the trip to Pandaria, in no small part because…yeah. As you might have noticed…just a little tiny bit TOO fond of her mentor. So between the fact that in Pandaria I wouldn’t have the ability to send her back to her parents at the end of the day, and the fact that, as a rogue, who KNOWS what she could get up to sneaking around all invisible and shit…yeah, better to let her stay with mom and dad. FYI, there were a couple other trainees who ended up needing to stay back in Orgrimmar for one reason or another, so they’re still continuing their training back there while the other eight trainees are down here with me.
Oh and also, Teukie? “I’m older than I look”? Um, I KNOW how old you are. You’re freaking fourteen. I’m thirty-four, and you’re fourteen, and I haven’t hooked up with a teenager since I WAS a teenager, and the less said about that draenei girl in Nagrand the better, seeing as I don’t want Greatmother coming down here and boxing my ears. So will you give it a rest already because it isn’t going to happen, okay?
Seriously, do other teachers have to deal with this shit? Don’t stand so close to me.
Now as for the OTHER important part of this letter…
OMG WTF IS THAT SHIT?!?!
Okay…so…this is where I am TOTALLY on board with Teukie, because whoever is behind THAT thing…I…it…just…HOLY FUCKING HELL. “F.Y.G.” OMG
Okay. Okay…calming down…deep breaths…let’s look at this thing rationally.
So…we know we’re looking for someone whose name starts with a J. (By the way, I’m not sure if Johnny Awesome is really going to be our prime suspect here, but you know what? Go kill him anyway. Fucker.)
Also, based on…the product…it’s probably a safe bet that this is someone who really, really doesn’t like yours truly. So, right there, that narrows the field down A LOT, right?
Add to that the fact that that image is clearly using an Earth Online character model. So we’re dealing with someone who probably plays EO, or at least is familiar enough with the game that they would think to dip into it for the image.
So…J’s… Ji Firepaw couldn’t be it – yeah, he plays EO a little, but he’s pretty clueless in-game and I don’t see him being able to do that kind of image manipulation. Jorn Skyseer at Domination Point is out – he isn’t a gamer at all, and I’ve always gotten along pretty well with him. Jorin Deadeye? Hmm…I don’t THINK he plays EO, but let’s maybe not cross him off the list just yet.
There have to be other options, though. Think, Garrosh, think…someone who doesn’t like you, whose name starts with J…plays Earth Online…
Oh.
OH.
THAT FUCKING BITCH?!?!!
Ohhhhh man is she in for it. Let’s see how funny she thinks it is when I march down there and blow up her whole damn—OH WAIT, I TOTALLY ALREADY DID. So you know what? If this is her idea of revenge, if the worst thing she can come up with to get back at the Horde is to doctor up some sad little picture to send around the internet, hey, knock yourself out, Jaina. Have fun. Pretty fucking sad, when you think of it. Also pretty ironic that she’s making pictures of ME to put on the internet – seriously, lady, you want to go over some of the image searches for YOU that come up in my Google hits on a daily basis?
I just recently found your blog and just caught up on all of your postings. It’s been nice to see the more orcish side of such a larger than life leader. Plus, your lemon squares are truly a gift from the Light! Even though I am Forsaken, those lemon squares manage to bring life back to my taste buds.
I wanted to share a story I thought you might enjoy. I was searching for news on the events happening in Pandaria, and I came across a picture of Lor’themar Theron. I showed my husband (a blood elf paladin) the picture, and his response was “Who is the guy with the eyepatch?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t tell Lor’themar, I’d hate for him to get angry at me. I’d rather not have him glaring at me when I join up with the Reliquary in Pandaria.
Fare well in Pandaria, Warchief.
–Beshara Dawnblaze, Forsaken priestess of the Shadow and Light
Thanks for writing, Beshara. I’m not gonna lie. I LOL’ed reading that. I’m still kinda sitting here chortling, because…hehe…
“Who’s the guy with the eyepatch?”
“What, you mean Eyepatch?”
“That can’t really be his name, can it? People must call him something else, right?”
“Ponytail, maybe?”
“That’s not really a name, either.”
“Hair-Care? Cyclops?”
“I don’t think he would really answer to those, would he?”
“Well then I’m out.”
So, also, see? SEE? NOBODY knows the dude’s name, not even his own people. It’s not just me, and it’s not just the Earth Online gang. Other that Sylvanas, who seems to be able to remember him for some reason. Maybe it’s an undead thing. As far as those of us among the living go, though, I swear it’s like the guy has some crazy psychic field around him that makes everyone forget him as soon as they look away.
Anyway, I’ll look forward to meeting you when you get down here, Beshara. Tell you when, when you see me in person, if you want to crack me up right out of the gate? Just walk up and say “Eyepatch.”
I got a surprise for ya, mon! Dat letter ya got from Tandeleina in ya last mailbag? She was right, mon! I am Vol’jin! She figured it out, mon! I’m up an’ kickin’ an’ still on da loose! Ya bettah watch ya back, mon, ’cause I be comin’ for ya!
–Bob, Shado-Pan Mon Echo Isles
Okay, seriously, dude, do you think I haven’t figured out your MO yet? Come on. This jackass keeps writing to me, and more often than not he just comes up with some crazy ridiculous bullshit to yank my chain and jerk me around. And you know what? I’m man enough to admit a lot of the time he’s gotten me to bite. He’ll write some load of crap, and I’ll take the bait, and rant at him about it for a while, and meanwhile I’m sure he’s kicking back in troll-land laughing his ass off because trolls think positively EVERYTHING is fucking hilarious because felweed.
Well guess what. You’re not getting me this time, Bobbo. Yeah, you’re Vol’jin. Sure you are. Absolutely. You somehow miraculously survived the attack in the saurok cave, and you’ve gone off in hiding to heal up, and meanwhile you’ve been putting this WHOLE GIANT CONSPIRACY together behind my back, I’m sure, and recruiting people to help you, and biding your time before The Glorious Revolution where you overthrow me or some shit.
Yeah, sure. That’s real fucking likely.
Probably.
…
Where did I put that note from AlternateTimeline!Faranell again…?
A sniffly Warchief is a cranky Warchief
So in all the scouting reports we got on Pandaria before coming down here, all the pages and pages of description of the peoples and cultures and flora and fauna, HERE’S a little tidbit that nobody knew until now: The flu germs they’ve got here will fucking put you on your ASS.
This Pandaren flu hit a bunch of us, yours truly included, out of nowhere a couple days ago, and let me tell you, HOLY CRAP is this shit not fun. It’s extremely hard to shout orders with authority when you burst into a hacking cough three words in, so I’ve been mostly staying in my quarters resting up, while Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim tend to most of the goings-on here at the base.
Ben-Lin Cloudstrider, who came with us for the trip, has been checking in on me, and right as soon as I started to come down with this thing, she used some of the crane meat that the trainees have been gathering to whip me up a big pot of this Pandaren wildfowl soup. Gotta say, as much as I think her whole anger management deal is way too touchy-feely for my tastes, Ben DOES kind of have a whole Greatmother vibe going. Which is mostly good, because hey, homemade soup brought right to me. Maybe not quite so great when I decide to try to come downstairs and tough my way through some work, and she goes all “YOU GET BACK TO BED AND REST UP RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN” on me. (“Yeah, but I—” “No buts! You are sick and need your rest!” “Now hang on, I—” “DO NOT MAKE ME GET OUT MY SERIOUS FACE!”)
So, yeah. Between the flu and the ongoing spotty internet down here, updates may be a little slower than usual the next few days. On the up side, that buys Gurtash a little extra time to finish up a project I’ve got him on. With any luck, you’ll hear more about that soon.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hack up a lung and pass out.
Krasarang reunions
Construction is coming along quickly here at Domination Point. That’s what we’re calling the new outpost, by the way – pretty badass, right? Thought of it myself. Anyway, we’re making good progress getting the place built. Warlord Zaela sent some of her Dragonmaw construction crew with us, and as any of you who were there will remember, a couple years ago when the Dragonmaw joined the Horde, they got Dragonmaw Port rebuilt FAST. As opposed to, say, the goblin contractors who STILL haven’t quite finished the job in Orgrimmar. Which is really pretty ridiculous at this point. I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing it’s going to be if Orgrimmar comes under siege, and we STILL haven’t finished fixing the place from the LAST major problem?
So that’s coming along. While we work on getting the base built and securing the area, I’ve also been keeping Gurtash and the rest of the DPS busy gathering food. Turns out there’s an island close by that’s practically swarming with these huge cranes that have enough breast meat on them to feed half a regiment. They’re a little big for the kids, but it’s been good practice for them working as a team. Also, as part of the Pandaria landing team, I’d brought three of the Mag’har’s best blademasters from Nagrand: Ishi, Burzum, and Krimpatul. So I’ve been having the three of them take turns going out with the DPS when they go hunting, just to keep an eye on them. The kids seem to be hitting it off with Krimp especially. He’s got the gruff lovable mentor thing going for him. Kind of like me.
In other news, General Nazgrim and his team arrived here today. Which was a good thing – one, because Nazgrim is always good in a fight, but two, because that gave me a chance to ask some pointed questions based on Krog’s reports on a certain former captive of theirs.
Case in point: How exactly Nazgrim and his crew managed to turn this:
…into this:
The extent of Nazgrim’s response pretty much consisted of “Oh, so, um, you heard about that, huh?”
One other part of Nazgrim’s arrival, though – along with his regular crew like Kiryn and Shokia, he also brought one of those monkey people he’d recruited back in the Jade Forest, a hozen named Tak-Tak who’s going to be helping our flightmaster Kromthar. And here’s the thing. This was the first time I’d met a hozen…only it wasn’t. Some of you might remember – a few months ago, when time was going all wonky and I was flashing into that alternate reality, I met a monkey-like creature, name of Zhi-Zhi. Who’d been found washed ashore after the destruction of his home in the southern islands. It was the first time I’d ever seen a creature like him…but he seemed to know a thing or two about me.
And so THAT was the first time I ever met a hozen – only now, those events never happened. Except I still remember them. FUCKING TIME TRAVEL. Head hurts.
So after Nazgrim introduced me to Tak-Tak, I pulled Monkey Boy aside and tried picking his tiny little brain some. He said most of the mountain hozen up north were pretty hostile, same for the hozen on the islands to the east of here. According to him, the only hozen who’ve managed to shill at all – and from what I can tell, “chill” would be a VERY relative term – would be the forest hozen where he’d come from. Most of those, he says, have stayed in villages like Grookin Hill, but some individuals have gone off to live with the pandaren in one place or another. He rattled off a few places some of them had gone, and most of the names blurred together, but then one stuck out – a place in the Jade Forest called the Tian Monastery. That one rang a tiny little bell. When we get a little breathing room, I may need to pay them a visit over that way.
Anyhow, back to work. I’ll keep you posted on news as it happens, assuming my internet stays up.
Monday mailbag
So it’s been a while since I did a mailbag. How long, you ask? GOOD QUESTION. And the answer is, so long that in the intervening time I’ve gotten not one, but TWO letters from our old buddy ACC, so why don’t we get to it before he dashes off ANOTHER one, and start working our way through the ACC backlog. As usual, actual letters from actual readers…
And greetings from the not-so-frozen South. Pro tip: NEVER go on a boat with General Nazgrim. I don’t know what he did to offend the Boat Gods, but… This is twice now that I’ve boarded a serviceable ship and disembarked from kindling. Mind you, there’s hardly anyone else I’d rather be with in a scrap. If you’re headed to a hot LZ you want him there with you, just don’t let him drive. Can’t add anything to what’s already been said about our allies and opponents except that while I’d pick semi-sentient monkeys over super-evolved murlocs any day, the “epic” clash was the goat-rope to end all goat-ropes. The least said about that, the better.
You’ve already heard about the giant vegetables in the Valley of the Four Winds. Turns out that the water makes for some pretty big beasties, too. And where there’s big game, you KNOW who’s not far behind. That’s right, Hemet Nesingwary’s pulled stakes from Sholazar and headed South. And be brought his boy with him. Got to say, it was awesome seeing them together. When you get down this way, you ought to swing by their camp and take a look around.
One other thing before I get back to work: that issue you mentioned last time? This place forces you to deal with things like that. What you bring within yourself draws spirits out of the land itself. Harsh therapy, but effective. I still stand by the necessity of what we did, but I do (slightly) regret the intemperate zeal.
–A Concerned Citizen
Ahh, so THAT’s where Hemet and his kid disappeared off to. Good to hear, ACC – maybe now the old man can finally teach the kid a thing or two so he won’t be QUITE as big a fuck-up. It was always pretty embarrassing dropping by their camp in Stranglethorn, and having the guy supposedly in charge be far and away the least competent hunter there. Then again, I guess that’s the way management tends to go, right? Mediocrity rises, so the person in charge usually winds up being the biggest dumbass?
Anyway, good point about Nazgrim. No question as to his military skills, but for future engagements I’m thinking I might send him in AFTER the initial wave, so I can just have him ported in without having to roll the dice putting him on another ship. Though come to think of it, that could make for an interesting experiment…like if we put him on a vehicle to some other part of Pandaria right now, would that one crash too? If I told him to take one of the pandas’ balloons somewhere, would the balloon go all hydrogen bomb clear out of the blue? Is anyone else thinking I might seriously have to try some of this out once I get down there, even if unbeknownst to Nazgrim I’d be putting his physical safety at sustained risk for no reason other than a puckish blend of curiosity and thirst for amusement?
There’s a rumor going around that the EO servers are shutting off this coming Friday. Heard anything about this?
–A Concerned Citizen
Wait, what? Shutting off as in permanently? I know they usually have some downtime for maintenance, but that’s usually on Tuesdays, isn’t it? Why would they shut down the game? They only just put out a new expansion. I mean yeah, they lost some subscribers the last year or so, but still, I don’t see them shutting down at this point.
Or is this some kind of in-game apocalypse deal? Because you DO get some of those RP-happy people who are all about the second coming of that Jesus guy. Who, by the way, could they make it any more obvious where they got THAT lore character from? I mean, come on…he walks on water and comes back from the dead, so he obviously has to be a shaman, and he’s all hippy granola-crunchy let’s-all-get-along-and-be-friends, and millions of people just dote over him and think he’s the most awesome thing, which just feeds into his whole deal where he thinks he’s the ultimate savior, and come on, could they make it any more painfully obvious who he’s supposed to be? We might as well just call him Beige Thrall. Although I don’t know why people make such a big deal about him coming back. Do they really expect the guy to just show up again and take over or something?
This parchment has a few sketches around the edges in multicolored inks. Dontrag and Utvoch are recognizable, as are Nazgrel and Neferatti. The remaining sketches are of a naaru, a warp stalker, and a nether ray. The lettering is spaced a bit erratically and is far from ornate, but is readable without excessive effort.
Dear Mr Warchief Sir:
I herd abot Mr Mokvar. I hop he gets bettr soon. I kno you need a scrib now, and I want to voula valun help. I hav ben trayning with a teechr who says Im doing much bettr than I was. I wud tell you all abot her and abot evrything Ive bin doing, but that wud tak too long and I want to mail this now. Pleese let me be your scrib!
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani.”
Um…
<sigh>
Yeah, how about I get back to you on that.
Fucking hell, somebody get me a list of the inscription trainers and vendors around here, there’s gotta be SOMEONE I can rope into taking this damn job…
In unrelated news HEY EVERYBODY KEEP THOSE SCRIBE APPLICATIONS COMING IN, and hoo boy, Mokvar, heal up fast, dude.
I have been spending a good deal of time in Pandaria per your orders and have been getting to know the natives. Recently I took a quick trip home for a bit of a break and a grave injustice has become apparent to me.
In Panderia the natives are more than happy to allow me to have one of my pets hanging around with me. They are more than happy to serve grain to my goat Moe while I am enjoying refreshments of my own. That same scene does not play out at home. I was actually kicked out of Silvermoon City by one of those constructs that what’s his name has running around the city because one of my felines had a small accident in the city. I was in the process of cleaning it up when I was ushered out of the city. Even in Ogrimmar people get testy if one of my pets is curled up at my feet while I enjoy a drink.
Is there something you could do to make Hunter pets more welcome in Horde areas? They put their lives on the line in the service of the Horde same as any other veteran in your army. We train them well and they are not dangerous to civilians that keep their hands off of them.
Thank you for your time Warchief,
–Toka Armripper
Hey Toka. Well, you know, legally speaking, pets are kosher here in Orgrimmar. I can’t really speak for what they do in Silvermoon – the business with the construct-robot-thingy seems kind of lame, but that’s Regent-Lord Ponytail for you. Maybe he’s afraid the smell from any potential pet accidents might soak into his conditioner or some shit. Point is, though, over in Silvermoon or Undercity or Thunder Bluff or, hell, the Echo Isles, they all set their local ordinances about pets, and frankly, I get enough headaches from the other city leaders trying to get them go along with my orders on the big stuff like war and conscription and glorious battle…I don’t want to even THINK about the caterwauling I’ll have to deal with if I start trying to meddle around with smaller local regulations like pet control too. Sylvanas will probably give me another one of her speeches about centralized government versus cities’ rights.
As for people getting testy in Orgrimmar if you bring your pets into the bar with you, well, frankly, fuck ’em. Really. The law here is that your pets are allowed in there as long as you keep them under control, so if people don’t like it, fuck ’em. That’s the one thing – no matter what the law is, there’s not much you can do about people’s attitudes, so like it or not, there are always going to be some malcontents who are going to grumble. I mean, hell, a couple weeks ago I was taking Mortimer around Orgrimmar to stretch his legs a little, and he went sniffing up to this old orc woman – and I don’t mean the fit, MILFy kind of older orc woman like Garona, I mean old and cranky and bloated and draped in fur-lined imperial silk robes for no reason other than LOOK AT ME I’M FANCY and hasn’t done a sit-up since the Second War. And so Mortimer started sniffing at her, and I told her not to worry, he’s friendly. And she was all sneery like, “Well I’m not an animal lover.” And so I said, “That’s okay, he’s not a heartless unfeeling cow lover.” And of course just then there were a couple tauren walking by, so, you know, awkward.
Random Weirdness spotted – Oppan Garrosh Style
[If you’re unable to view the embedded video, you can link to it here.]
I’m just…
that was…
uh…
Ok.
–Quelita, Tarren Mill
Yeah, what of it?
I slaughter Alliance, I write EPIC VERSE, I sing.
It’s called being a triple threat. Deal with it, bitches.
That’s it for this time around. As always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.
When we last left Krog…
So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday. I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working. And you know how that goes, right? “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.
As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is. So that was fun. I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.
I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay. And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.
Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday. So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria. You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin. When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart. And so…
begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.
I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?
alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly. i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery. meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed. eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.
good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.
good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.
Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news. Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling. Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.
bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.
…
I… He… They…
Hang on.
…
…
…
Sorry. I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.
How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”? What the fuck does that even MEAN? What confusion? The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there? Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?
I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.
welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.
Okay, credit where it’s due. Dude knows me.
hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled. not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces. likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.
standing by for further orders.