Tag Archives: ogres
Mortimer vs. the Razza
Since I kind of promised to fill in the details yesterday of Mortimer’s role in my showdown with Skarr, I figured I’d take a minute today to do that. And considering what a kickass job Mortimer did of it, too, I figure there’s only one appropriate form…
Skarr went off to Feralas on a mission for the cult,
With the hope an ogre relic could raise Cho’gall as result,
And he made his camp in secret while his agents ranged afield,
And he waited there to reap the gains their search would surely yield.
His mission was a secret, details shared with precious few;
Even where he’d made his base was known by only one or two.
So when they went to see him, hardly had they neared his lair
When their path was intercepted by the Razza in the air.
Its wingspan was enormous, dozen yards across at least,
And one hardly could imagine how Skarr’d tamed the vicious beast;
But he somehow bent its will to his, this hunter sans compare,
And the Lower Wilds were now watched by the Razza from the air.
He’d lived there long amid the Wilds and Dire Maul and therein,
And his terror was the stuff of tales told by the Woodpaw kin,
For when the primitives would hunt, they’d fear not wolf or bear,
But they’d tread in dread that they might see the Razza in the air.
So now when Skarr set up his camp, he’d have the Razza spy
Down upon all those who dared come near from vantage of the sky;
And any who approached the camp was spotted unaware,
Then swoop and clutch, away were swept by Razza in the air.
And so when Garrosh found him and descended from the cliff,
Skarr engaged the orc in battle with an air of “Yeah, as if.”
For he knew he needed only hold his ground and keep it close,
Till the Razza could arrive, and then it would be adios.
Skarr held his own as best he could, and scored a hit or two,
When in the skies his eyes did spy vast wings of white and blue;
And Garrosh knew the day was his, until to his chagrin
He found a wild chimaera clawing wildly at his skin.
The Razza swooped in close to strike, and spewed blue fiery breath,
And let aloose a fiendish shriek from both its beastly heads.
And Garrosh felt the blue flames as he took another hit,
And they didn’t hurt, but it was hard to see through all that shit.
Now Skarr attacked reenergized and pressed the battle on,
And Garrosh ceded ground while he kept being flamed upon.
When suddenly there came a growl—Skarr scarcely realized where—
As wyvern talons tore into the Razza in the air.
Blue wings were met with brown as they raced in as if a blur,
And Garrosh yelled victoriously, “Go get ’im, Mortimer!”
He didn’t need to tell him twice: of wyvern wrath beware!
And Mortimer let loose upon the Razza in the air.
His biting was a frenzy and his slashing claws were fluid,
For “The Razza” say the Woodpaw, but “Mortimer” quoth the druid;
Another slash with furious claws, another vicious tear;
And blood was on the ground beneath the Razza in the air.
A blue-white wing was torn to shreds, a horn shattered like glass;
The Razza wailed as Mortimer was handing him his ass.
He yanked him back and clawed him deep, and clutched him from behind
And clawed at one of his two heads till it was rendered blind.
The desperate Razza spun around and flung Mortimer wide,
The wyvern crashing awkwardly into the mountainside;
He sprawled in pain on aching back, his upper hand upstaged,
And the Razza saw its final chance, and dove in feral rage.
The chimaera shrieked murd’rously and fell upon its prey,
While Mortimer grasped panicked for the one that got away.
A slashing, tearing pair of claws, and fangs fresh-drenched with blood,
Then a horrifying wail, followed by a lifeless thud.
Now somewhere in Feralas, Twilight cultists gloat and preen,
While the Grimtotem and ogres share the tales of what they’ve seen.
But the hunter is the hunted, predator is prey instead,
And there is no joy for Skarr, son, ’cause the Razza’s fucking dead.
EPIC VERSE!
Hunting Skarr
Since I’m going to be out in the field on ogre duty the next couple days, I won’t be doing a mailbag today. Don’t worry, keep those e-mails coming, we’ll have one soon for sure. Meanwhile…
Garona and I split up on our way out of the Steam Pools resort. She disappeared off into the woods heading back into Feralas, and I took off by air with Mortimer. (For those of you keeping score, I had Mokvar go ahead to Stonemaul Hold to wait for us.)
It took a little circling around the Lower Wilds, but I ended up spotting the abandoned gnoll camp that the Twilights were talking about. There were a few tattered tents left standing among the hills, and a campfire tucked away in one corner under cover of trees and rocks, so it wasn’t letting off a lot of smoke that would be easily visible. On a couple passes I thought I could see some movement, but I tried not to get so close that I’d be noticed. Not yet, anyway. I wanted to get as good a look as I could at what we were going to be up against first.
On one circle around, I spotted some red and purple poking out from the foliage. No shock – a couple Twilight cultists, coming in from the northwest. Couldn’t get that good a look at them from the altitude I was at, but I could swear they were a dwarf and a troll, so they could have been the two that got away from me back at Isildien. Turns out it was a good thing I was keeping a good distance – after they were wandering through the woods some, all of a sudden there was this piercing shriek, and an enormous blue and white chimaera swooped in out of nowhere, grabbed the two Twilights up one in each talon, and flew off.
I followed the chimaera at a distance while it flew – you guessed it – back to the gnoll camp. This time, there wasn’t any question about whether someone was home. A pretty good-sized ogre in warlord’s armor was waiting at the edge of the camp. Place your bets among yourselves as to whether that would be Skarr. (Pro tip: Don’t bet your Vial of the Sands money that he’s not.) The chimaera flew in, dropped the two Twilights in front of the ogre, then hovered there nearby. I’m not positive but I think I even saw the ogre pat it on the head. From what I could see, it looked like the ogre and the Twilights were talking back and forth some, and then the ogre looked much more animated like something was upsetting him…then broke into this big laugh. The cultists meanwhile started seeming more jittery, and then broke out screaming about something just as Skarr waved his arm around in the air and walked away, and next thing you knew the chimaera was back on the cultists, grabbing them up again and flying off with them, screaming all the way, clear as day now.
So, again, some of these ogres really know how to get shit done.
I’ve just landed on the mountainside overlooking the camp, and I’m using Spazzle’s why-fly gizmo to make this post while I get set to pay our ogre friend a visit. No sign of Garona, but hey, since when do I need backup, right?
More soon.
[Header image provided by Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate, used here with permission and many thanks.]
The story so far
I don’t know what’s wrong with you people. Everybody seemed overjoyed to see the kind of bullshit agony I had to endure the other day with Garona and Johnny Awesome and all the rest of it. Fuck, if I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe you people didn’t love your Warchief!
Anyway, Garona and I are getting ready to head off to go looking for that ogre Skarr, but while I’m getting squared away here at the inn, I thought I’d take care of some blog stuff. For one, I know the last couple days I’ve been getting a batch of new readers, between the Twitter feed and getting links passed around, so I figured it might be a good idea to try to catch up any newcomers to the blog.
First of all, if you ARE new, welcome! Lok’tar! Good to have you here. Unless you’re Alliance. In which case, DAMN YOU TO THE NETHER, FUCKERS. But meh, keep reading. What the hell.
Second, Spazzle recently added an About page to the blog, with some general info and background type stuff for anyone new. I know he usually tries to be good about setting up my posts with links to older ones that are relevant for background, but y’know, he’s just a goblin, so I’m sure he misses some stuff here and there. Also along those lines, I figured this might be a good time to step back and run through what’s been going on for our many new readers, seeing as this ogre business has been unfolding for a while:
A few weeks back, Grimtotem raiders in Dustwallow Marsh and Feralas started attacking ogres. I could care less about the Gordunni ogres, mind you, but it was a much bigger deal that they were also hitting the Stonemaul ogres too, who have been allied with the Horde for a while.
I sent Dontrag and Utvoch to Brackenwall Village to help Krog with his investigation. Using some…um…pro bait-and-trapping, the bunch of them were able to capture a Grimtotem raider, and interrogated him with help from me and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb. Wait, what am I talking about, “with help from”? They hardly did a damn thing during the interrogation. It was pretty much all me and Draz’Zilb.
Anyway, Draz’Zilb used some FUCKING SCARY-ASS voodoo mojo shit on the Grimtotem, and we got the story. The Grimtotem discovered that the Twilight’s Hammer want to use an ogre relic to resurrect Cho’gall. Apparently, while he was holding a gathering of ogres in Feralas a few months back, Cho’gall imbued a phylactery with his spirit (or part of it, or whatever…don’t ask me how this raise-the-dead stuff works…personally I’m getting sick of all the “Bastion of Twilight was just a setback” bullshit already). Now the Twilights are trying to find the phylactery, and the Grimtotem are trying to beat them to it. According to the prisoner, they believe if they find it first, they can cut some kind of deal with the Twilights to regain their lost holdings.
The Twilight’s Hammer believe one of the ogre clans in Feralas or Dustwallow have the phylactery, so the Grimtotem have been raiding the Gordunni and Stonemaul ogres to try to track it down. High-ranking members of the tribe have been sent to both areas to coordinate, but if you ask me this whole plan has Magatha written all over it.
We know the Stonemaul ogres don’t have the phylactery, but we’re letting the Grimtotem keep thinking they might so they keep their attention divided. Meanwhile, I recalled Garona Halforcen from Twilight Highlands, and she and I headed out to Feralas to investigate. I got some information from a Twilight’s Hammer cultist in the southern ogre camps, and Garona confirmed the story from a Twilight run-in of her own up at Dire Maul: the main Twilight contact in the area is an ogre named Skarr, who’s taken up hiding somewhere in the Lower Wilds.
Garona and I met up at the Steam Pools to compare notes and plan our next step. We also met this blood elf named Johnny Awesome while we were there, which was good for comic relief, if by “comic relief” you mean “makes you want to stick a sharp stick through your eye, into your brain, and swirl it around.” Now we’re about to split up to go after Skarr. With any luck we can find him and get more pieces to fall into place.
So…that’s where we stand now. Next time you hear from me, odds are I’ll be out in the Feralas wilds somewhere trying to track down Skarr. In the meantime, a little nugget to hold everyone over:
There once was a blood elf named Johnny,
Who thought himself ever so bonny.
To get him off my hands
I sent him to Ghostlands
Where he could annoy the Amani.
EPIC VERSE!
Updates soon. Stay tuned.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
Awesome job, Mokvar
Well, Garona took her sweet time getting here, which shouldn’t really surprise me, to be honest. Yeah, sure, you’ll be there at the time we set to meet. And you’ll be ready to go out in just ten minutes, right? Same deal. Women.
While I was waiting, I sent word to Orgrimmar to have Mokvar come out to help with the recordkeeping. I figure with everything going on, I’ll want to keep a detailed account of all the information we collect, and so it just makes sense to keep my own in-house scribe around. It’s either that or take time out to write everything down myself, and let’s face it, my time is going to be better spent thinking great thoughts. Plus, let’s be honest, my handwriting is crap. Even by Mokvar standards.
Since Mokvar’s going to be transcribing a lot of stuff – notes, maps, details from our investigations, etc. – I’ve had Spazzle set him up to be able to edit these posts to add in any write-ups he thinks would be useful to add to the record here. Plus this way it spares me having to make sense of his godawful handwriting and take the time to transcribe it myself. (Just as long as he just inserts his stuff. I warned him that if he tries monkeying around with my actual writing, I’ll fucking hand his ass over to Draz’Zilb for whatever scary-ass voodoo experiments he might want to pull on him. And yes, I’m fucking territorial about my intellectual property.)
Anyway, though, she finally did show up, and we set up shop in the tavern of the inn to go over what we’ve found. She couldn’t find any traces of the phylactery itself, and she says the Maul is still a pretty big mess from when Cho’gall had held his ogre gathering. Turns out, though, she also had a run-in with some Twilights while she was there, and found them as easy to persuade as I did. Their story more or less matched mine: the ogre Skarr had been heading up their search around Dire Maul, but recently headed to the southern part of Feralas to set up camp. He left some of the other Twilight agents to keep looking for anything they could find around the Maul, with orders to check in with him. They didn’t have details on exactly where to find him, or else Garona was going to go pay him a visit herself – apparently Skarr just told them to go to the Lower Wilds, and he would find them if he needed them, whatever that means. Oh and here’s the best part – right when she was about to polish them off, some Grimtotem raiders showed up, fighting a bunch of the Gordunni ogres…so just as the bunch of them were almost on top of her and the Twilights, she just up and POOF-vanished, and left the whole gang of them to have at each other.
So, next up, we’re going to go searching for Skarr. We’ll split up on the way, since we don’t really know what he’s going to have there as far as backup. Garona’s going to stealth her way through the woods and see if she can do some spying on the way. (I offered her a camel she could take for the trip, but I guess she preferred to go by foot…) Meanwhile I’ll be doing a flyover to see what I can find, and then, you know, probably wind up taking the direct approach while she’s doing her snooping.
There were a lot of little odds and ends that the two of us had to update each other on, and some what-ifs to plan for for the next few days, so we ended up spending a while there in the tavern. Credit where it’s due, those goblins have some pretty good cooks on payroll. While we were there, we also had a run-in with this blood elf guy who was just kind of wandering back and forth from the bar, babbling on about his dead pony or something, but the less said about him the better.
GARROSH: Hold up. Have you noticed the blood elf guy who keeps looking over this way?
GARONA: Every few minutes. He keeps looking at us, then looking away when one of us looks back.
GARROSH: Think he’s a spy or something?
GARONA: Not likely. The Grimtotem wouldn’t trust an outsider, so they wouldn’t bring in a blood elf to spy for them. The Twilight’s Hammer would get someone who was competent enough not to just sit out in the open staring at his quarry. So who else? The Alliance? Some from column A, some from column B, no-go there.
GARROSH: Can you tell if he’s watching one of us in particular?
GARONA: I’m not sure. Do you think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I don’t know, that’s why I asked.
GARONA: Ugh, I hope he’s not going to come over to try to pick me up.
GARROSH: Why would you think he’s going to…oh never mind.
GARONA: Why? You don’t think he would? It’s not like I don’t ever have men stare at me in bars, you know.
GARROSH: Yeah, no, I’m sure they do.
GARONA: You sound like you don’t believe me!
GARROSH: I didn’t say that!
GARONA: I’ll have you know I get hit on all the damn time!
GARROSH: I’m not arguing with you, dammit!
GARONA: Just because I have a grown son doesn’t mean I’m some old lady, you know!
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake, can we not go through another whole song and dance about your kid?
GARONA: Oh, sure, who wants some old worn-out orc who’s already pumped out a kid, is that it? You men are all alike.
GARROSH: When the fuck did I even say anything? I’ve got no problem with you having a kid, go ahead, have your kid, have more kids, have a whole barn of them, I don’t give a shit!
GARONA: Well you sure made it sound like some wrinkled old matron like me certainly couldn’t be catching the eye of some spry young elf in a bar.
GARROSH: I didn’t say any such damn thing! Fuck! Look, hell, there’s a REASON why the term “MILF” got coined in the first place, okay?
GARONA: So you think I’m pretty?
GARROSH: …
GARONA: Well?
GARROSH: I’m thinking.
GARONA: What do you mean, you’re thinking? What’s there to think about? Either you think I’m pretty or you don’t! You know, if you have to THINK about it—
GARROSH: I’m trying to think of what answer is LEAST likely to get me stabbed in my sleep later on.
GARONA: And what makes you think I’m going to be nearby when you’re asleep in your bed?
GARROSH: <facepalm>
GARONA: Because honey, don’t flatter yourself.
GARROSH: …
GARONA: What?
GARROSH: Lady, you are one great big can of crazy, you know that?
GARONA: What’s THAT supposed to mean?
GARROSH: Can we PLEASE get back to the guy who’s watching us, or the Grimtotem thing, or maybe even just beat my head in with a brick because even that would be less excruciating than what we’re doing now?
GARONA: You know, there are a lot of men who’d be thrilled to be talking with me over a few flagons.
GARROSH: Oh for FUCK’S sake!
GARONA: I’m just saying. Lots and lots. You have no idea.
GARROSH: Could you maybe call them all over here to beat me in the head until I lose all memory of this conversation?
GARONA: Fine, BE that way.
GARROSH: SO ABOUT THE FUCKING ELF.
GARONA: You think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I hope the hell he is. Maybe he can sweep you away and give me the glorious treat of your absence.
GARONA: Well now you’re just being passive-aggressive.
GARROSH: It’s a goddamn good thing for you that you’re genuinely good in a fight, that’s all I’m going to say.
GARONA: I’m just trying to help you. You know you’re never going to find a girl if you keep up with this attitude.
GARROSH: Tell me something, when you assassinated Llane, did you actually have to kill him? Or did you just strike up a conversation with him and keep talking until he threw himself on your daggers?
GARONA: He wouldn’t have been the first man to throw himself at me, I’ll tell you that much right now.
GARROSH: THE ELF, for fuck’s sake, THE FUCKING ELF, before I squeeze my head down another hat size trying to cover my ears again!
GARONA: Fine, then!
The blood elf, by this point, has wandered over closer to the table.
BLOOD ELF: Um, excuse me?
GARROSH: Oh thank goodness.
BLOOD ELF: Am I interrupting something?
GARROSH: Yes, you are, and spirits bless you for it. Can I buy you a drink? A round of drinks? And an epic mount of your choosing?
BLOOD ELF: Oh…no, no, you see, my pony only just recently…passed… <sniffle> It’s just too soon. Plus…um…well, I mean, it’s a flattering offer, but I don’t…you know…swing that way, so…
GARROSH: Well hold on, I didn’t…
GARONA: <eyes widen> Ohhh, wait a minute, NOW it’s making more sense…
GARROSH: Plus you’re a male blood elf, what do you mean you…oh never mind.
BLOOD ELF: What does that mean?
GARONA: I’m so, so sorry. I should have realized.
GARROSH: Will you SHUT IT? That’s not what I fucking meant.
GARONA: No WONDER you’re so angry all the time.
GARROSH: I AM NOT FUCKING ANGRY ALL THE TIME, YOU INFURIATING CRAZY-ASS BATSHIT HARPY!
GARONA: Mmhmm.
GARROSH: Look, can we drop the… <looks to Mokvar> Are you seriously writing all that down?
MOKVAR: Well, um, yes, sir. You said I should keep a record of everything.
GARROSH: <blink> I…just… Wow.
MOKVAR: Begging your pardon, sir, you did say we need to keep everything written down in case some easily overlooked details end up being important later.
GARROSH: You win, Thrall. Oh, man, you really, really win. Good one, dude. Hats off to you. You win.
GARONA: Now see, THRALL found himself a nice girl, and see what he did?
GARROSH: He HAD HIS SOUL RIPPED INTO FOUR PIECES is what he did!
MOKVAR: Sounds like marriage to me, sir.
GARROSH: Heh, yeah, amen, Mokvar.
GARONA: Mmhmm. Interesting.
BLOOD ELF: Should I just…leave…?
GARROSH: For the love of the spirits, NO.
BLOOD ELF: It’s just that, well, I couldn’t help but notice…
GARONA: You see! He was looking at me!
GARROSH: <looks to elf> Run now.
BLOOD ELF: Well no, I was looking at her.
GARONA: See?
BLOOD ELF: I was looking at both of you, actually.
GARONA: You…wait, what?
GARROSH: I think what he means—
GARONA: Oh no, no, sweetie, I… No, I don’t do those anymore.
GARROSH: <rubbing head> I seriously don’t know if I want to stop the Twilight’s Hammer from destroying the world anymore.
BLOOD ELF: I’m…confused.
GARROSH: Give her a few minutes. It gets worse.
GARONA: But I’m not sure why you’d be interested in getting Garrosh involved, if you say you don’t—
BLOOD ELF: So you ARE Garrosh! Garrosh Hellscream? The Warchief?
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s me. What of it? And please elaborate at length if it stops her from chiming in for a while.
BLOOD ELF: And so you must be Garona Halforcen?
GARROSH: Oh good, kick it over to her right away. Well played.
GARONA: That’s me, yes.
BLOOD ELF: <beaming> Oh wow, I can’t believe I’m really getting to meet you! This really is an honor for me!
GARROSH: Uh oh. Fanboy alert.
BLOOD ELF: And, if I say so myself, for it to be an honor for me really is quite the honor for YOU, too. It’s not just anyone who can impress me right off like that.
GARONA: Um…
GARROSH: Okay…
BLOOD ELF: You see, I’ve been making quite a name for myself within the Horde as well. I’ll have you know, I was an exalted hero of Tranquillien within a few mere hours of arriving at the place!
GARROSH: Wait, Tranq-what-now?
BLOOD ELF: And granted, I really haven’t had occasion to drop by Orgrimmar to meet you in person, Warchief, but I’m sure tales of my adventures have made their way all the way to your war room.
GARROSH: Um, maybe? Oh…OH, so wait, you’re one of those…yeah, one of the… up-and-coming adventurers that we send off of various missions in the outlying zones… Right…
GARONA: I thought you said those quests weren’t really all that—
GARROSH: Ix-nay on the usywork-bay.
GARONA: Oh. Right.
GARROSH: Anyway, um, so yeah, maybe I’ve seen reports on your…exploits… Um, what was your name again?
BLOOD ELF: I…am Johnny Awesome.
[The Blood Elf will henceforth be referenced as Johnny Awesome, because really, this is just too good. –Mkvr., ed.]
GARROSH: No, I can’t say I – wait, that’s your name?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Uh, yes.
GARROSH: No, I mean, it’s your real name? Not like an alias you made up for yourself?
JOHNNY AWESOME: No, it’s my name.
GARROSH: Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Awesome.
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s an old Highborn name. It goes back thousands of years.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
GARONA: It’s a wonder things didn’t work out better for Azshara if she had the Awesomes working for her.
GARROSH: <chortle>
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s…it’s true.
GARROSH: I’m sure it is.
GARONA: If only she could have had her field troops led by Jimmy Omgipwnedurface.
GARROSH: <snicker> Haha, you know, I think I know a guy on Earth Online who uses that name.
GARONA: Oh wow, you play Earth Online too?
GARROSH: Yeah. You play? What server?
GARONA: Palin, Kalimdor region. You?
GARROSH: Goldwater-Kalimdor. Hah, that’s awesome.
GARONA: Med’an got me started on it. I really only started playing originally just to check in on what he was doing. You know how it is with the internet.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Can’t be too careful.
GARONA: Although I have to admit it’s really starting to annoy me that they broke the mature language filter so you can’t keep it turned off now!
GARROSH: Oh I KNOW, right? That’s !@#$ing ANNOYING.
GARONA: I mean I’m an ADULT, if I want to talk like one I should be able to.
GARROSH: What do you think of the expansion? Have you seen much about it?
GARONA: I don’t know. I’m cautiously optimistic.
GARROSH: Oh come on. Australians? They’re seriously making a whole expansion about Australians?
GARONA: Well you know, to be fair, it’s not like they’ve never taken a joke and used it seriously before. People forget that Canada was originally a running gag too, and look how well they integrated that.
GARROSH: Yeah, I suppose…
JOHNNY AWESOME: I…have no idea what you two are talking about.
GARROSH: Online gaming.
JOHNNY AWESOME: You actually do that?
GARONA: Is that a problem?
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s just…I guess I just sort of figured you guys would be…a little cooler than that.
GARROSH: Excuse me, do you really want to get into a coolness pissing contest with us?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well I just mean…
GARROSH: Do you really want to? Because if you want to go, we can go.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well no, it’s just that…I mean, come on, an MMO?
GARROSH: So let’s see, commanded fifteen Kor’kron legions on a military campaign across the arctic wastes culminating in the death of the fucking Lich King. Shall we start there?
GARONA: Single-handedly assassinated the king of Stormwind?
GARROSH: Also a good one.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Look, I’m not trying to—
GARROSH: Son of the slayer of Mannoroth.
GARONA: Mother of the new Guardian of Tirisfal.
GARROSH: Crash landed an airship in Twilight Highlands and walked away without a scratch.
GARONA: Killed Cho’gall. The first time.
GARROSH: Dueled Thrall to a standstill.
GARONA: Fucked Medivh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay! Okay! I’m sorry!
GARROSH: That’s better. So anyway, was there a point to all this?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Oh… Well, I guess I was just wondering if I could have your autographs.
GARROSH: Our…autographs.
GARONA: I don’t know, would you really want the autographs of a couple of lame online gamers?
JOHNNY AWESOME: I know, look, I’m sorry. It’s just, you’re both heroes of the Horde, and…you know…that’s what I’m aspiring to, too, so…
GARROSH: Okay, okay, fine… <scribbles on paper>
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, and I guess I was also wondering, since I like to think I’m a rising star in the Horde, really one of your secret weapons when you come right down to it, even if I guess you haven’t heard of me yet, which really doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, but whatever, but I was just thinking—
GARROSH: Get to the point, please, Tirion.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, I was just wondering if you had any missions you might need me to carry out for you.
GARROSH: Missions.
JOHNNY AWESOME: I mean I know there are lots of people scattered around Horde settlements who need help with different things, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to help out where I can, but it just seems to me that my talents could be better used by, you know, performing key duties on behalf of the Warchief.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: So…are there any missions you need carried out? Or places you feel I could be of particular help?
GARROSH: Um…okay…
GARONA: Time to get into character.
GARROSH: Yeah. <deep breath> Lok’tar, noble blood elf, tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar—
JOHNNY AWESOME: Wait, didn’t you just say you haven’t heard—
GARROSH: Just fucking roll with it, okay, dude? Seriously.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay. Yes, sir.
GARROSH: Tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar, and rest assured they have not escaped the notice of your Warchief. If you wish to truly serve the Horde, your considerable powers could be used in Thousand Needles, or, um, Tanaris. The choice is yours. Remember, Hellscream’s eyes are always upon you!
JOHNNY AWESOME: Yes sir! I won’t let you down, sir!
Johnny Awesome races off, never, one can only hope, to be heard from again.
GARROSH: I really fucking hate my job sometimes.
GARONA: Wait, Thousand Needles and Tanaris?
GARROSH: Yeah, what of it?
GARONA: Well…he didn’t look like he’s been doing this for very long. Aren’t those areas pretty dangerous these days?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
GARONA: Isn’t he going to go out there and get eviscerated?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
Wait, so hold on. I had a five-hour strategy session with Garona, and THIS is what Mokvar decided was important enough to post up here? Seriously? THIS is what made the cut?
Either way, though, gotta say again, it’s DAMN impressive that he’s able to get all this stuff transcribed like that. Really, really impressive.
Now pardon me while I go find him and smack him around a little.
[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter ZugZug, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Gordunni leads
I’ll give these Stonemaul ogres credit, they’re plenty loyal since the Horde’s been helping them. Not too much going on upstairs, but hey. Thank goodness we have orcs like Orhan Ogreblade here at Stonemaul Hold, though, or spirits know what kind of a mess these ogres would make of the place. At least the ogres out at Brackenwall have that brainstorm Draz’Zilb to help stay on top of things. Even if he IS fucking evil. Again, like I’ve said before, at least he gets shit done.
I stopped briefly at Stonemaul Hold and checked in with Orhan and the others. The Grimtotem have still been at it, with most of their activity seeming to be around Dire Maul now. The ogre camps to the south still needed checking on from our end, though, so I flew down there and got to looking around the ruins of Isildien. The ruins are still…well…ruiny, because of course when ogres move into a place, it never occurs to them to fix it up at all. Then again, I guess it’s hard to focus in on home improvement when you’ve got tauren raiding parties running in and smacking you around.
It was pretty obvious that the Grimtotem had attacked the ogres there, even if they’ve started focusing more on the ogres up north. There were a few scattered bodies of Grimtotem raiders around the ruins. Gotta admit, the sight gave me a happy. A few ogre corpses, too, but not all that many. I’m not sure if that’s because the Grimtotem took heavier casualties from the attacks, or because the ogres just make a point of tending to their dead. What do ogres even do with their dead, anyway? I don’t really see them as the memorial service type. Not really up on ogre customs in general, though, much less Gordunni ones.
I kept trying to talk to the ogres to see if I could get some information out of them, but as it turns out, this particular bunch of them is pretty pissy, so instead of talking they mostly wanted to swing clubs at me. Which meant they DID end up doing some talking, only what they were saying was mostly “Ouch” and “I wonder if there really IS an Ogri’la.” So, fun, but not very productive.
While I was flying over the area I did spot this cave in the side of the mountains, and it looked like there were ogre corpses around the outside – a lot more than I’d seen anywhere else around the ruins – so I went in to check. The cave didn’t run very deep, and I could see some light coming from the inside, and some humanoid looking shadows as I made my way toward the back. I tried being stealthy and sneaking in to check it out, but I think I might have blown the sneaky thing when I ran around the corner and yelled “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE” and charged the first dude I saw. Oh well. Gotta be me. Anyway, turns out it was a pack of three humans, a troll, and a dwarf, all chilling around a campfire, and based on what’s been going on lately and the dark purple and red robes they all had on, you can probably guess out who they were working for. So the charging turned out to be a good call anyway. I killed two of the humans right off (gotta tell you, it never gets old), but the dwarf dropped a smoke bomb and the other three high-tailed it out of the cave. I managed to jump back onto them and hamstring the last human, but I wasn’t able to get to the dwarf or troll before they took off into the hills.
The human, though… He was useful while he lasted. Unlike the Grimtotem raider in Dustwallow, this one didn’t need a whole lot of persuading to talk. Then again, humans do tend to be less resistant to a good beating. If anything, I had to be careful not to kill him (right away).
As it turns out, his little band had been dispatched by the Twilight’s Hammer – no shock there – to look into the Gordunni settlement in Isildien, then make contact with their point man in the area, an ogre named Skarr who had been one of Cho’gall’s people when he was lining up his original ogre gathering in the Maul. Whatever they found, they were supposed to check in with him at an abandoned gnoll camp in the eastern part of the woods, tucked away in the hills. Anything they could find out about the phylactery, they were supposed to report to Skarr, so I’m figuring he’s the one we need to pin down if we want to head off this whole Twilight plan. Beyond that, the human didn’t seem to know a whole lot more – for all the dead ogres around their hiding place, they didn’t seem to find any actual information – and I don’t think he was just holding out on me, since I’m pretty sure that would have called for sterner stuff than these humans are made of. So, you know, dead human. I’ve got work to do, and a nonessential captive is only going to slow me down.
Next move is to try to track down Skarr in the eastern hills, but first I’m going to check in with Garona to see what she’s found. As it happens, there’s a small settlement – if you want to call it that – by the Steam Pools just south of here, only a teensy side trip on the way to the Lower Wilds, so we’re going to meet up there to compare notes. I’ll write more once we’ve had a chance to get settled.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
So here’s the plan
Or the beginning of it, anyway. We know that the Grimtotem are hunting down ogres in Dustwallow Marsh and Feralas to try to find the phylactery of Cho’gall. Obviously, we have to make sure they don’t get it.
Since we pretty much know that the Stonemaul ogres don’t have it (see, it helps when half the equation is on your payroll!), we’re going to focus on Feralas. Hopefully the fact that we can eliminate half the possible locations of the phylactery will help us get a jump on the Grimtotem and the Twilight’s Hammer in finding it. Anyway, Garona is heading up to Dire Maul as we speak to scour the place and see if she can find any leads. Meanwhile, I’m going to be flying down to the southern Gordunni ogre camps to see what I can find there.
While all this is going on, I’m keeping Krog and Dontrag and Utvoch working in Dustwallow on a decoy project. Right now, as far as we know, the Grimtotem still think that the Stonemaul ogres might have the phylactery, and the longer we keep them wasting time and energy barking up that tree, the better for all of us. So I’m having the gang at Brackenwall putting up the appearance that our ogres really might have the thingamajig. Apparently Draz’Zilb has some kind of hocus-pocus he can do to help along those lines. I didn’t ask him for details, because honestly, dude is a scary motherfucker, so yeah.
For the time being we’re going to try to keep this job limited to the inner circle who are already in the know, so we can keep a limit on how quickly word of all this gets around. Last thing we need is for the Grimtotem or Twilight’s Hammer to be tipped off to what we’re doing.
Come to think of it, though, if I really wanted to keep a lid on all this, I probably shouldn’t have been blogging about it at length all this time. Including this installment right here. Oops. Oh well. Hey there, water, the bridge says hi and bye from above.
Mortimer’s ready to go. More updates soon.
They couldn’t have just been bored and jerkish…
Okay, so now I’m getting worried.
I’ve spent the day in Brackenwall Village with Krog, Dontrag and Utvoch, and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb, all working on getting some information from the Grimtotem prisoner. Things really weren’t going anywhere for the longest time…I’ll give this Grimtotem credit, he had a really strong will, and even after I was giving him a pretty sound beating, he wouldn’t make so much as a peep. Or a moo, I guess.
This was another one of those cases where I don’t want to lose any details, so I had Mokvar come with me to Brackenwall so he can keep a transcript of the interrogation. Glad I had him go train up inscription, gotta say. So, here’s the record of the session, at least after the first couple hours of me smacking the fucker around without much gain…
GARROSH: Okay, so you know, as much as I’m enjoying beating on this guy, I don’t think it’s really getting us anywhere.
KROG: Maybe we just need more knives? I’m pretty fond of knives myself.
GARROSH: Better than a good sound barefisted thrashing?
KROG: Oh yeah, a good clean stab can be way satisfying. Knives and daggers, either way.
GARROSH: Well yeah, but you’re a rogue. That doesn’t help us with this.
KROG: What do you mean?
GARROSH: You’ll just end up stun-locking him. It doesn’t do us any good at all if we’re just keeping him silenced.
DONTRAG: Rest assured, great Warchief, we shall find ways to make him talk!
UTVOCH: Or a great inconceivable agony will await him!
DONTRAG: Far greater than his worst imaginings!
GARROSH: THESE two, on the other hand…
UTVOCH: What about us, Warchief?
GARROSH: Never mind.
KROG: <chortle>
DONTRAG: No, really.
UTVOCH: Maybe just let it go, Dontrag?
DONTRAG: I just want to understand what the Warchief is talking about.
GARROSH: Yeah, good luck there.
KROG: <snort>
DONTRAG: As you say, sir…
KROG: Seriously, where did you find these two?
GARROSH: Stuck in a mine in Stonetalon.
UTVOCH: Where we carried out our duty for the Horde most proudly!
DONTRAG: For the glory of the Horde! For the glory of Hellscream!
KROG: Yeah, I’m sure.
GARROSH: Well they were helpful at the time. Kind of.
KROG: Yeah, thanks for getting them involved with this.
GARROSH: Would you rather be working on this with just a bunch of ogres helping you?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…
GARROSH: No offense, Draz’Zilb.
KROG: Actually, I’m not sure I’m seeing the improvement.
GARROSH: Oh come on. OGRES?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um, I’m standing RIGHT HERE.
GARROSH: Did you miss the “no offense” part?
DONTRAG: I did not, Warchief!
UTVOCH: Indeed and verily, nor did I, oh great—
GARROSH: Not YOU, for FUCK’S sake.
KROG: See what I mean?
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, whatever.
DRAZ’ZILB: Chief Hellscream, not to interrupt, but I believe I may have a method that may facilitate the extrication of vital intelligence from our captive.
GARROSH: Look, he’s being uncooperative enough, there’s no point in making him stupid too so he can’t even understand what I’m asking him.
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…no. What I mean, great Chief, is I may have a spell I can use to force the information from him, willingly or not.
GARROSH: Well why didn’t you say so? Hell, for that matter, why didn’t you guys do this before I had to fly all the way down here?
DRAZ’ZILB: The incantation required a number of reagents, Chief. Some helpful adventurers only just delivered them a short while ago.
GARROSH: Good, so— wait, you actually needed that shit? Like the “go get seven of these and nine of those” that we always send those noobs around to collect? You mean you actually sent the volunteer errand boys out to do something that was really important?
DRAZ’ZILB: Why…would I occupy others’ valuable time on tasks that were not of some genuine vital interest to us, great Chief?
GARROSH: <blink> …Shit, you ogres have a lot to learn.
UTVOCH: I know a good place they could go for extension courses, if they—
GARROSH: SHUT UP, YOU.
UTVOCH: Yes sir.
DONTRAG: Stop interrupting the Warchief, for goodness’ sake!
GARROSH: The same goes for you!
DONTRAG: Yes sir.
UTVOCH: Apologies, sir.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir, much ap—
GARROSH: Okay, SERIOUSLY, BOTH of you, the next word of our either of your mouths had better be NOTHING, because otherwise, the SECOND word out of your mouths is going to be “OUCH, MY HEAD!” You understand?!
DONTRAG: …
UTVOCH: …
KROG: <chortle> This is awesome.
GARROSH: <pummel>
KROG: OUCH, MY HEAD!!
DRAZ’ZILB: Begging your pardon, Chief Hellscream, but is this…a typical day for you and your lieutenants?
GARROSH: <looks down> <long pause> Yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: I…see.
GARROSH: …Yeah.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I resume my elaboration, Chief, or does the moment dictate a further prolonging of the awkward lull?
GARROSH: Okay, I’m fairly sure I recognized SOME of the words in there.
UTVOCH: The extension course DOES include a very excellent vocabulary building unit, if it please the Warchief, begging your pardon, sir, and hoping I might be spared a harsh inconceivable pummeling of—
DONTRAG: <shakes head>
GARROSH: <pummel>
UTVOCH: OWW!! Yes sir, re-shutting up…
KROG: <chortle>
GARROSH: <glare>
KROG: <hand clamps on mouth>
GARROSH: Draz’Zilb, would you please finish what you were saying before I have to fucking kill everyone in the room?
DRAZ’ZILB: Of course, Chief. As I was saying, I know of a very potent incantation, the reagents for which have just presently come into my possession. With it, I suspect we might loosen the reluctant lips of our Grimtotem prisoner.
GARROSH: Is it some kind of truth serum or something?
DRAZ’ZILB: Not at all, nothing quite so invasive. At least not in such a manner. No, good Chief, the spell I speak of executes a separation of the subject’s spirit from his body, leaving him highly susceptible to…coercion.
GARROSH: Well, that sounds okay, but he’s been pretty resistant to “coercion” so far, and it’s not like I’m a rookie when it comes to beating an answer out of someone.
DRAZ’ZILB: True, he’s proven to be remarkably strong-willed. But this is a different matter altogether. One can steel oneself against the pains of the body, great Chief; the body is fleeting and corporeal, and a strong mind can divest itself of the fear for its well-being. But the spirit…touch upon it directly, play upon the proper strings, and no mind can resist indefinitely. Eventually…one reaches a point of necessity. There is, for each of us, a breaking point, a fear so fundamental to our souls that if faced with it, we MUST escape it, regardless the cost. It is no longer a matter of strength or courage or power of will; it is a matter of need.
GARROSH: That’s…just evil.
KROG: I’m liking this guy.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I proceed, great Chief?
GARROSH: So we’re going to be seeing this guy’s deepest fear, is that it?
DRAZ’ZILB: Nothing quite so crude, Chief Hellscream, nor quite as dramatic. It is a process of the mind, and as such, it will be perceived solely by his mind. All we will witness is the shadow of his spirit as it is…extracted.
GARROSH: Well get extracting, then.
DRAZ’ZILB: As you wish, Chief.
Draz’Zilb begins the incantation, and the Grimtotem raider’s body goes stiff and freezes in place. A shadowy outline of the tauren floats up from his body and hovers in the air nearby.
KROG: Kinda like one of those shadow priest body double thingies.
DONTRAG: Should we stun him before he has a chance to hit dispers— OUCH!!
GARROSH: SHUT. UP.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then, here we are… As you can see, my Grimtotem friend, your situation grows a bit more, shall we say, tenuous.
The Grimtotem shade floats higher in the air and appears to look around apprehensively, limbs reaching in different directions as if trying to control its movement.
DRAZ’ZILB: Please, do try all you wish to remove yourself from your current position. It merely expends mental energy while I secure my hold on you. If anything, I thank you for your aid.
GARROSH: Is it working?
DRAZ’ZILB: Quite. Now then, something simple to start. What is your name, Grimtotem?
The shade glares at Draz’Zilb silently.
GARROSH: You’re sure about that, dude?
DRAZ’ZILB: <chuckles> Oh good. Even after hearing us discussing matters, he still needs to be…persuaded. I was hoping he would.
Draz’Zilb waves his staff, and shadowy tendrils of magic force swirl around the Grimtotem spirit. The shade lurches back and forth, looking about frantically, limbs flailing with greater urgency.
DRAZ’ZILB: There…that seems to be helping. But….just to be sure…
Draz’Zilb reaches for additional reagents and tosses them about his staff. He gestures toward the Grimtotem again, whose movements become more jerky and exaggerated, then grow slower as the shade’s form shrinks back.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then…your name.
The shade’s mouth opens. After a long pause, it speaks in an echoing, timid voice.
GRIMTOTEM: Karthag… My name is Karthag Stonehoof.
DRAZ’ZILB: Much better. And you are one of the Grimtotem operating out of Blackhoof Village, is that correct?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: You see, Chief, he can be reasonable. <chuckle>
GARROSH: Dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.
KROG: Think maybe we could bring him in for some of our Alliance prisoners?
GARROSH: Later.
KROG: Just sayin’.
GARROSH: Okay, let’s get back to the point. Let’s find out what he knows about the attacks.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed. What was the purpose of your raid on our village, Karthag?
The shade shudders in place, then cowers with a pained moan.
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, this IS a strong one. Here, then…
Draz’Zilb sprinkles some dust around the Grimtotem’s body, then waves his staff again. The shadow cries out in terror, then cowers silently, trembling.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall we try that again? The objective of your attack?
GRIMTOTEM: We…we are looking for an ogre relic…
DONTRAG: Ogre relic?
UTVOCH: Zounds!
KROG: What?
GARROSH: PEANUT GALLERY, SHUT IT.
DRAZ’ZILB: An ogre relic? Strange that I wouldn’t know of any such thing, being as I am an ogre myself. What is this relic you’re seeking? What do you want with it?
GRIMTOTEM: It isn’t us that want something with it. It’s…it’s the Twilight’s Hammer.
GARROSH: The FUCK he says?
DRAZ’ZILB: Yes, the fuck you sa— erm, that is, what do you mean? Why would the Twilight’s Hammer have an interest in an ogre artifact?
GRIMTOTEM: We…our leaders learned that the Twilight’s Hammer are seeking the relic, and we think it’s most likely in the hands of one of the ogre clans.
DRAZ’ZILB: According to whom? Where is this coming from?
GRIMTOTEM: Isha Gloomaxe arrived in Blackhoof Village with the news. She said we needed to hunt down as many of the ogres as we can, until we find the relic or confirm it’s not in Dustwallow.
DRAZ’ZILB: Is this what’s happening in Feralas as well? The reason behind the attacks there on the Gordunni?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes… Arnak Grimtotem himself was dispatched to oversee the search there, at least that’s what Isha told us…
GARROSH: I’m not liking the sound of this.
DRAZ’ZILB: But why? What is it for? What IS this relic?
GRIMTOTEM: It’s…a magic vessel… Some…some months ago, Cho’gall held a gathering of ogres in Dire Maul. The Twilight’s Hammer believe he had the relic forged while he was there.
GARROSH: Yeah, I’m liking this even less.
GRIMTOTEM: The relic is a phylactery…the phylactery of Cho’gall. They believe…he bound a portion of his spirit to it. They want to use it to resurrect Cho’gall.
KROG: Oh fuck.
GARROSH: Hang on, what the fuck. That’s all well and shitty by itself, but what the hell do the fucking GRIMTOTEM want with it?
DRAZ’ZILB: A fine question, good Chief. A fine answer to follow, I’m sure. Well, Karthag? What interest DO the Grimtotem have in such a thing?
DONTRAG: Maybe they’re trying to stop the Twilight’s Hammer?
UTVOCH: Maybe they think they can use it to preserve their own leaders?
KROG: Maybe you guys should shut the fuck up?
DRAZ’ZILB: Maybe we should let the spirit answer the question before I run out of reagents here?
GRIMTOTEM: We…don’t have a use for it. Bringing back Cho’gall doesn’t matter to us. But…we know that the Twilight Hammer wants it…and so if we can find it first…
GARROSH: You can cut a deal with them.
DRAZ’ZILB: Surely you don’t think they can be trusted. They want to destroy the world!
GRIMTOTEM: Our world…is already destroyed. We’ve become outcasts of the Horde…our attempts to forge a truce with the Alliance have crumbled… We have precious few allies to turn to anymore. And the hope is, if we can give the Twilight’s Hammer Cho’gall, they may help us regain some of what we’ve lost.
GARROSH: You’re insane. I seriously don’t know which of you is more crazy, the Grimtotem or the Twilights.
DRAZ’ZILB: What’s the next move for you? Where are your people striking next?
GRIMTOTEM: I don’t know…very few of us ever knew more than our next mission… I just know what we’re looking for, but beyond that…
KROG: Is he lying? To cover for them?
DRAZ’ZILB: Unlikely. His spirit is broken enough at this point…I don’t think he has anything else for us.
GARROSH: It was enough.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed.
Draz’Zilb chuckles and waves his staff again. The shade shudders violently, then dissipates into the air in a burst of shadow magic. Karthag’s body seizes up, then collapses limply to the ground, lifeless.
GARROSH: The FUCK, dude?!
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, I’m sorry, did I not tell you about that part? My apologies. The procedure does come, eventually, at the expense of the subject’s life. Spirits are so terribly hard to reintegrate into bodies once they’ve been extracted, after all…
KROG: Seriously, Alliance prisoners. Really, really look into it.
I can’t even tell you how pissed off I am about this. How is this going on, and the GRIMTOTEM are able to put it together before WE do? What am I paying my undercover agents for, anyway?! Isn’t this EXACTLY the kind of shit that they’re supposed to be digging up for me?
Obviously this is bad news in a major way. I like to bust Thrall’s balls, but he actually has been breaking his ass trying to come up with a way to get the Deathwing situation under control, and the LAST thing we need is a wild card like Cho’gall to get thrown back into the mix this late in the game. I’ve got to get this shit under control. And fast.
Stay tuned for updates. Meanwhile, I’m dispatching messengers to Twilight Highlands tonight. Sorry if it upsets you, Wega – I’m calling in Garona.
“Could you keep it down, please? I’m trying to be unsettlingly evil in here.”
Monday mailbag
I’m writing this from Brackenwall Village. (Thank goodness Spazzle set me up with some kind of why-fly doohicky that lets me still access the blog from out here, because believe you me, the ogres aren’t exactly pimped out when it comes to computer resources.) I’ve been in Dustwallow for a bit, but so far I haven’t had the chance to get working on the Grimtotem prisoner. Not long after I arrived, a Grimtotem raiding party attacked the village, so we were pretty busy fighting them off.
(Or, rather, most of the others here were pretty busy standing around watching in awe while I fought them off. Gotta admit, I do have kind of a thing for killing Grimtotem.)
Anyway, as you might imagine, that didn’t go so well for them. Still, it ate up a whole lot of time, and right now Dontrag and Utvoch are leading scouting parties to try to track down the survivors. Once they get back, and Krog and the ogres are done shoring up the defenses (we’re probably going to step up patrols just to be safe), we can get back to work.
In the meantime I figured I could take care of this week’s mailbag. Just a couple letters this week, but they’re pretty good ones. The first one, in fact, wasn’t even sent to me directly, but was posted online as a sort of open letter, and I thought it might be fitting for me to offer an open response. Here’s a short excerpt:
On behalf of myself and my co-workers Thathung and Grimful, I, Wabang, would like to announce that we are laying down our axes in peaceful protest, to formally ask you to give us back our former jobs as proud Orgrimmar Auctioneers.
I know when you became Warchief you thought you were doing us a favor by “freeing us” from what you called boring, tedious bookkeeper jobs. We could see how happy you were when you told us that we could finally don our armor and brandish our axes like the proud orc warriors we were, and not be stuck behind a desk any longer.
We appreciate the gesture, Warchief. We really do. It’s just that…well…we kind of liked being Auctioneers.
…
You may not realize this, but Thathung, Grimful and myself chose to be Auctioneers. We were not forced into it. We all carefully studied and honed our arithmetic to be able to perform an Auctioneer’s speedy calculations, and as you are no doubt aware, private tutoring by the Blood Elves is not cheap. Now that we have lost our jobs as Auctioneers, we can no longer afford to pay our outstanding debts, and the Grand Magister gets rather nasty/polymorphy when he is not paid.
This is just a small snippet of the original letter, which I’d really highly recommend everyone going and reading in full. In fact, go do that now. I’ll wait.
You done? Wait, no? The hell, dude? Go read it.
No, seriously.
I’m waiting.
…
Okay, that’s better. Now on with business.
And yeah, hoo boy, here we go. Look, Wabang, I understand that you’re not thrilled with the arrangement. To tell you the truth, I’m not so happy about it myself. That is, you’re right on the one hand – all things being equal, I’d rather have orcs like you and Thathung and Grimful fighting like the orcish soldiers that you are, and it DOES make sense to have the goblins tending to things like the auction house and the bank, what with them being a whole lot less useful on the battlefield. But I also hate to have you guys pushed out of the jobs that you liked.
I’m not going to try to hide behind it being some deal we cut. Sure, Thrall was the one who made arrangements with Gallywix to bring the Bilgewater Cartel into the Horde, but first of all, he didn’t make him any special promises as far as jobs or privileges the goblins would be getting, and second and more importantly, really, even if he did, I wouldn’t give two shits about pissing off Gallywix. It’s fucking GALLYWIX, for fuck’s sake – if anything the thought of annoying him is a bonus.
So here’s what it comes down to: right now in Orgrimmar, we’ve got way more people than we have jobs to keep them occupied. The sudden influx of goblins didn’t help matters. People like to give me grief over the slums that we’ve got in Orgrimmar right now, but contrary to what they might tell you, that wasn’t by design. It’s just reality – after the Cataclysm, frankly, we only had so many resources to do so much rebuilding, and some part of town was going to end up getting the short end of the stick. And when it came time to divvy up the areas, yeah, the least desirable part of town got left to the latest arrivals. Well, them and the trolls. But I don’t need to go on about them. (Side note: if the goblins and trolls are going to complain about their slum, have them take a look over in the Valley of Wisdom. Not my fault if the tauren in Thunder Bluff were willing to send their people extra resources to pretty the place up.)
But more to the point…here were the goblins, stuck in the low-rent district without much in the way of belongings, and pretty much no jobs to do. The one thing they’re good at collectively is business. So into the auction house and bank they went…thing is, though, those auctioneers aren’t really raking it in as much as you might think. Because they’re actually not working just for themselves. That was part of their contract, in fact. They’re actually in there working, pretty much, on behalf of the majority of the goblins over in the slums. Whatever they’re making is getting channeled back over to that part of town to keep the whole cartel stocked with whatever they need. And don’t think for a minute that it doesn’t pain the goblins to have to keep their heads above water through a system that you could pretty reasonably describe as “redistribution of wealth.”
And here’s the ugly truth of it, too, Wabang. The goblins as a group needed something. But just as important…you guys CAN do something else. Frankly, they can’t. So – as I’m sure you’ll appreciate given your training – it really just comes down to the math.
Here’s one other thing, too. While hiring the goblins to run the auction house makes sense in some ways, I have to admit I still don’t trust them entirely. Not least of all because of Gallywix, but I mean, also, come on, they’re goblins. (I don’t want to be getting any texts over that one, Spazzle.) And along those lines…I do think that you might have taken your assignment a little too much at face value. I mean…when I told you I wanted you to keep an eye on the auction house, Wabang, yeah, you were being assigned to stand guard…but like…I also want you to keep an eye on it, if you see what I mean. Because…you know…just sayin’…if someone were to catch the goblins doing something sketchy, skimming money off the top that they’re not supposed to, pulling a fast one on some of the higher-priced Firelands loot…well, believe you me, I wouldn’t be reluctant at all to reevaluate the current staffing situation.
Now, who would I put in charge of watching out for stuff like that? Spirits know I wouldn’t be able to catch something like that – have you seen the attic in Grommash Hold? I can barely keep my own junk organized. So what would we need to catch any shady business? Hmm, well, someone with an extensive mathematical background, a sharp financial mind, someone who already knows the ins and outs of a pretty complicated system so they can spot abuses and loopholes…but if I were going to give someone a job like that, I couldn’t be obvious about it. Say what you want about the goblins, but they’re not idiots. If I stick a bookkeeper right next to them and tell them they’re going to be having their every move watched, they’re sure as hell going to make sure that they either don’t do anything sketchy at all, or they go to MUCH greater lengths to keep it covered. So the way to do it would be to plant someone with the appropriate skills nearby, keep them in a position to keep a close watch, but in a role that would still make sense for them (say, I don’t know, an orcish grunt) in an assignment that would be justified (like, oh what the hell, an armed guard watching over a room full of valuables).
Just food for thought, Wabang. Hang in there and we’ll see what else we can do to help make life a little smoother for you guys.
During my tours of duty with the Horde Medical Corps, I have noticed some … puzzling behavior. Something just isn’t quite right with the Warsong Clan.
I understand what the Frostwolves are all about: kicking Dwarf butt from one end of the valley to the other, then showing them the exit. And I understand what the Defilers are up to: capturing resources for our use, and/or denying them to the Alliance. (Either one works.) I get what the Kor’Kron are doing on the Isle of Conquest. Most of our field armies have sensible, understandable goals.
Then, I arrive at Warsong Gulch.
I follow a couple of Horde soldiers, and we infiltrate the Sentinels’ stronghold. We make our way to the center, I’m thinking to take out their commander. But no, they snatch the flag, and bolt. We promptly retire to Warsong Hold, and then one of them taunts the Silverwing from our parapets.
It was about this time that I realized that the Silverwing were trying to do exactly the same thing to us.
No one was gathering resources, or preventing the enemy from doing the same. No one was trying to interfere with the enemy’s command and control. Seemingly, it was all about grabbing flags and talking smack.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t care. But now they’ve got the Dragonmaw doing it, too. Have they both gone nuts? Or am I missing something obvious?
–A Concerned Citizen
See, ACC, this is what happens when people totally lose sight of their history. The whole flag-capturing deal in Warsong Gulch actually did make sense once upon a time, but after a few years, and some serious turnover in the personnel there (on both sides, apparently), it seems like nobody remembers the point of it all. This is actually a classic case of what happens when people blindly go through the motions without bothering to learn the reasons why.
So, a teachable moment from Garrosh! Lucky you!
So okay. Once upon a time, when Grommash was chieftain of the Warsong Clan, and Horde and Alliance were both going balls-to-the-wall to try to gain control of Ashenvale and its resources, both sides would have regular air drops of supplies. Armaments, explosives, rations, everything. Sometimes even heavy equipment, as we started to become able to bring in zeppelins for supply runs. With the airships we have these days, I’m sure you can see the possibilities.
Anyway, though, if you’ve ever flown over Ashenvale, you also know how bloody impossible is can be to see where anything is down there. It’s nothing but dense forest as far as you can see in every direction (dense forest that’s been fucking dipped in glitter, no less), and even in the areas that have been cleared out, there’s still a lot of visual interference that would make it hard to target those air drops properly. So way back in the beginning, both sides would use flags to mark the drop sites for their couriers. One side or the other would have a spot marked, wyverns or hippogryphs would fly on in, spot the flag, drop the goods, boom. With all the back and forth between the two battling sides, too, the flag system just made more sense, because by the time the supplies were airborne, the battle lines could have shifted, one side or the other could have lost control of one of their bases…it just made sense as a way of signaling where a secure spot would be.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone had the bright idea that hey, if we could go steal one of the Silverwing’s flags, we could stop them from getting the supplies they need. What’s more, if we bring THEIR flag back over to an area that WE control, we could trick the Alliance couriers into delivering their supplies to US instead! So, double win! So from that point, the Warsong Outrunners would launch regular raids to try to steal the Silverwing flags. Eventually, the Silverwing caught on and started doing the same. At that point, it became a much bigger deal to keep control of our own flag, too – there’s not much benefit in stealing their flag to get their supplies, after all, if they’ve gotten our flag to steal OUR supplies, right? That’s just a wash. Hell, it might even be a loss – whose supplies do you think are going to be better, theirs or ours? Horde pride, bitches! Lok’tar!
So all of this actually made sense. But apparently, somewhere along the line, both sides started losing sight of the actual reason behind the strategy, and just started fixating on the flag-stealing thing. Which…is really kind of sad, when you think of it. I might have to look into assigning some new leadership up there, so our forces can actually have some remote fucking notion of what they’re doing again.
As for the Dragonmaw…you’ve got me. I might have to take this up with Warlord Zaela again. (Even money on whether she’ll use the occasion to start flirting with me again. Which I’m sure will set off a whole other mailbag.)
News from Feralas, no news from Dustwallow
A few quick updates on the ogre situation.
Orhan Ogreblade reports that Grimtotem activity in Feralas has shifted. They’re still making frequent attacks on the Gordunni ogres, but apparently they’re becoming more focused. The ogre outpost in the hills north of Camp Mojache has pretty much been wiped out (now maybe the goblins can go dig up their own damn ore what with the coast being clear), but they’ve pretty much stopped attacking the southern camps. From what we can tell, nearly all their efforts now are being focused on the ogres around Dire Maul.
Meanwhile, the Grimtotem raider that Krog and company are holding down in Brackenwall hasn’t provided much information just yet. Krog’s been working on his interrogation, but so far not much luck. I know Dontrag and Utvoch have been trying to help Krog with the questioning, so I told Krog that maybe he wants to try doing it with D&U somewhere else, because don’t get me wrong, I like those two, they’re dedicated soldiers, and spirits know they mean well, but I’m pretty sure there’s some law of physics that says there’s a finite number of words that you can pack into a single room. And having those two nearby has got to burn through your quota awfully damn fast.
Otherwise, I’m not sure exactly how Krog is approaching the interrogation, but I’m concerned that he might be trying to be a little too white hat about the whole thing. I told him the old saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…point being, maybe he should cover the Grimtotem guy with honey, then tie him down in one of those areas in the swamp that’s swarming with giant flies. That might get him talking a little faster.
See, this is why I need to be in charge. My creative approach to problem-solving. You’ve got to think outside the box. And then put your enemies in the box, and light it on fire.
Which is why, by the way, I’ve decided that I need to take a more hands-on approach to all this. No more sending grunts to do a Warchief’s job. I’m flying down to Dustwallow to take charge of the interrogation myself. And this Grimtotem dude better start talking quick, because I can tell you one thing, I’m not the guy you want to talk to if you’re looking for a little extra slack for the Grimtotem.
Taking off as soon as Mortimer is done with brunch. Updates to follow.
Maybe this will start getting us some answers
New update from Dustwallow. I just got word from Brackenwall that our forces have captured a Grimtotem raider involved in the ogre attacks. As it turns out, Krog, Dontrag, and Utvoch were able to lay a trap to lure some Grimtotem out, with the help one of the Stonemaul ogres, name of Ogron. I guess Ogron used to stand watch on the activities of Paval Reethe and other Theramore humans, but ever since Reethe’s death he hasn’t had a whole lot to do, but he just kept hanging out in the swamp out of habit pretty much…so it was easy enough to use him to lure some Grimtotem out for an attack, because hey, lone, unattended ogre.
Except, of course, he wasn’t unattended. Krog, Dontrag, and Utvoch were all standing under cover, and apparently D&U had some elaborate plan for how to spring the trap once some Grimtotem showed up, involving smoke bombs and goblin gadgets and tar traps and some shit like that. Only when the Grimtotem attacked, D&U got too busy bickering over the details of the trap, and totally got themselves distracted from what was going on, and meanwhile Ogron was getting beaten like a rented mule (really not sure if that’s more sad or more funny), so Krog just came out and ambushed them. He managed to kill three Grimtotem by himself, and get the last one running – all of this while Dontrag and Utvoch are still arguing like an old married couple, mind you – and finally Krog ended up chasing him until the raider tripped on branch and went flying smack into one of D&U’s tar traps. Which they couldn’t have been more pleased about, once they noticed.
So I guess it all worked out in the end. He would have gotten away if it wasn’t for those meddling orcs, or some such.
So, they’ve brought the raider back to Brackenwall village for questioning. We might have Draz’Zilb do some kind of magic mojo to help Krog and company get him talking. With any luck we’ll start getting some answers about what’s going on with the Grimtotem.
