Tag Archives: thrall
Wibbly wobbly, timey whimey
We arrived at the Caverns of Time just a short while ago. Soridormi greeted us on arrival, and I let her take the rest of the group on the tour of the place while I made a lemon squares delivery. Like I mentioned, the big guy really loves his pastry, to the point that he actually has a couple of personal bakers right here in-house. Turns out Nozdormu was still off somewhere busy, so I dropped by the bakery to leave the goodies with his bakers, and figured while I was there, what the hell, I might as well leave them a copy of the recipe. Maybe win a few bonus points that way. I wound up hanging out with them there while I waited for everyone to get back. Not sure what to make of those two. I mean, they seemed happy enough to take the recipe, and one of them, Tom, seemed really cool. Awesome guy. Can totally see him being the kind of dude that everybody loves. Colin, though…I don’t know, he just seemed like kind of a dick.
Anyway, after everyone was done having a look around the place, Nozdormu came out to see us. Eventually. I’ve heard that’s kind of his pattern. Even after the tour, he took his sweet time showing up. So we were just stuck sitting there a while, me and Mokvar going through his notes to catch Liadrin up, and meanwhile Dontrag and Utvoch (yes, I brought them, it never hurts to have a couple low-grade flunkies around for the heavy lifting) managed to kill some time flipping coins. In which, by the way, it looked like Utvoch really took Dontrag to the cleaners. Or maybe the other way around. I still have trouble keeping them straight sometimes.
Anyway, eventually Nozdormu got his scaly ass out to see us. You should have seen the way he breezed on in. First of all, I swear somebody started cranking out smoke right before he showed up, and then, when he finally came strolling on in through the fog, he did some kind of time distortion thing that made everything seem like it had slowed down to half speed. And so here he comes, pimping on in through the smoke, in slow motion. Gotta admit, it was pretty fucking cool.
Anyway, Thrall had already given Nozdormu – or, as I like to call him, The Noz – a brief rundown of the situation, and Faranell and I filled in some more of the details for him. He mostly just nodded knowingly in that way he always does, kind of floating somewhere halfway between really cool and really annoying. Eventually he said he could probably help us out, provided we could stick to a few rules. I told him that shouldn’t be problem, because if there’s one thing yours truly is all about, it’s discipline and self-control. He just kind of stared at me a little when I said that. Not sure what the deal was there. But yeah, so he filled out the picture for us, and…you know what, why am I yammering away paraphrasing this? Mokvar was there. Here, I’ll have him hook us up:
NOZDORMU: As it happens, we have a time portal already established to Hillsbrad in the era you’re speaking of, so it shouldn’t be hard at all to send you there.
GARROSH: Well that’s convenient I guess. Would you not be able to open a new portal if you didn’t have one running already?
NOZDORMU: That would be…more problematic. We of the bronze dragonflight still have dominion over the timeways, and can travel along the pathways of time, but since the defeat of Deathwing, my ability to manipulate those timeways enough to open new time portals is…limited.
GARROSH: I was wondering about that, actually. Like how does that work with you guys? I would have figured losing your Aspect powers would have put this place out of business.
NOZDORMU: Not quite so simple. It’s true, we former Aspects expended our ancient power in order to charge the Dragon Soul, and we are now diminished, as compared to what we were. Mortal now, most notably…
GARROSH: Actually, if Deathwing and, you know, Malygos were any indication, you guys were sort of always mortal…
NOZDORMU: Well that’s different.
GARROSH: How is it different?
NOZDORMU: Malygos and Neltharion were killed in battle. Without the intervention of their slayers they would have carried on as immortals for eternity.
GARROSH: So, they were immortal as long as somebody didn’t kill them. Gotta say, that’s a pretty loose definition of “immortal.”
NOZDORMU: Did you really come here to argue semantics with a millennia-old, Titan-appointed caretaker of reality, just before asking him to do you a favor?
GARROSH: I know, I know. Just sayin’.
NOZDORMU: Where did that expression come from, incidentally? “Just sayin’.” If you say something insulting or presumptuous, how does tacking “Just sayin’” on the end of it make it any less insulting?
GARROSH: Okay, okay, you’re immortal, fine. Well, were.
NOZDORMU: Nevertheless, each of the flights holds dominion over one of the primal forces of the world, and even without our Aspect empowerment, the flights maintain those bonds. Ysera and the green dragonflight, for instance, continue their attunement to the Emerald Dream, just as the red dragonflight maintain their stewardship of life. Likewise, we bronze dragons are able to travel through time, and I personally retain my heightened perception of temporality.
GARROSH: What about Kalecgos?
NOZDORMU: What about him?
GARROSH: Well, he was the Aspect of Magic, right?
NOZDORMU: For about a week.
GARROSH: Well, still.
NOZDORMU: I don’t know. I guess he can still…well… He probably still knows a few card tricks, I guess.
GARROSH: Oh.
NOZDORMU: I’m not sure, though.
GARROSH: Ah, okay.
NOZDORMU: Yeah.
Garrosh, Faranell, and Liadrin exchange awkward looks.
GARROSH: So about the Hillsbrad thing.
NOZDORMU: Oh yes, that. As I was saying. We have a portal already established to Hillsbrad circa a decade ago, so it would be simple enough to send you through. I can further assign Chronormu—
Chromie, a bronze dragon assuming the form of a female gnome, teleports in and bounces happily next to Nozdormu.
CHROMIE: Hiya!
NOZDORMU: —to check in on you on occasion, to be sure there aren’t any unforeseen complications.
GARROSH: Wait, she’s a dragon? And what do you mean, complications?
CHROMIE: Yup, that’s me!
NOZDORMU: Yes, she’s one of the bronze flight. I suppose you haven’t met—
CHROMIE: Oh sure we ha—
NOZDORMU: I mean he. Hasn’t met you.
CHROMIE: Ohhhh, right, skipper. <making a zipping motion across her mouth> Sshhh!
GARROSH: Should…I be worried about something here?
FARANELL: I probably would have been worried long before this, but that’s just me.
CHROMIE: Ohhh don’t you fret over little ol’ me. I don’t bite. At least not in this form! <giggles>
GARROSH: Speaking of which, do you really have to be a gnome?
CHROMIE: Why? What’s wrong with gnomes?
Mokvar, Faranell, Dontrag, and Utvoch all utter overlapping groans.
MOKVAR: Oh boy, here we go.
DONTRAG: What’s wrong with gnomes, she says…
FARANELL: Even I know better than to…yeah…
UTVOCH: We’re going to be here a while, aren’t we?
MOKVAR: Every day with the gnomes…
LIADRIN: <to Faranell> Um, what did Lor’themar drag me into?
FARANELL: Give it a little time, really. It seems weird at first, but after a little while it actually becomes kind of fun.
DONTRAG: If he’s going to start in on the gnomes, you want to toss a few more coins?
UTVOCH: Yeah, no thanks, eighty-nine straight losses is enough for me in one day.
GARROSH: Okay, okay, will you people SHUT UP?
NOZDORMU: If one of my progeny taking the guise of a gnome is really that distasteful to you, I suppose I could appoint someone else, although I must say Chromie is one of my very best operatives, and…
CHROMIE: Thanks, gramps!
GARROSH: Yeah, okay, it’s fine. I’m not thrilled about the gnome thing, but whatever, I’m a professional. I’ll rise above it.
UTVOCH: Most inconceivable of you, sir—
GARROSH: <smacks Utvoch> We’ve been through this before about you and that word.
UTVOCH: Sorry, sir…
GARROSH: Okay, so fine, your little pipsqueak friend can be our contact.
CHROMIE: Woot!
GARROSH: But what was that thing about complications?
NOZDORMU: Well, Warchief, time is, after all, a rather complex and delicate thing, and one must be rather cautious when traversing its pathways. A certain, shall we say, delicacy and finesse is called for.
GARROSH: Dude, I am all about the fucking finesse. Right, guys?
Crickets.
NOZDORMU: At…any rate. You must simply take care not to interfere with past events more than is absolutely necessary. Speaking generally, you should not underestimate the potential impact of seemingly minor actions. You cannot imagine the magnitude of the consequences that can unfold from even a minor alteration in the timeline. More specifically, you will be traveling to a time and place that witnessed certain crucial events that cannot be disrupted…
GARROSH: Yeah, okay, that shouldn’t be a problem, this is 90% a fact-finding mission anyway, so…
NOZDORMU: So you say, and I do not doubt your intentions. But you must take care not to do anything that might interfere with certain key events playing out as they were meant to. Specifically, for one, the forging of the Ashbringer. You will be witnessing the fulcrum of an intricate convergence of events, which cannot be disturbed. The crystal carried by the eldest Mograine represents the spark which sets in motion events that must occur; this cannot be undermined.
GARROSH: Okay, check. No smashy-smashy on the crystal. Anything else?
NOZDORMU: One other matter. The reason, in fact, that this particular time portal was opened in the first place. You will be arriving at the moment in history when a young Thrall escapes from his human captors in Durnholde Keep. It is the singular event without which the Horde as it now exists…would not.
GARROSH: Wait, I get why that’s an event we can’t fuck around with, but why would you have opened a portal there if it’s so important that nobody interfere with it?
NOZDORMU: Because someone already did.
GARROSH: The what you say?
MOKVAR: I swear these time loop stories make my head hurt.
NOZDORMU: Agents of the Infinite Dragonflight had attempted to prevent Thrall’s escape, in order to…well, suffice to say, they sought to alter the timeline to ill effect. Some time ago, the bronze flight in my absence elicited the aid of a group of adventurers to travel back to this point in history and ensure that events played out as they should.
GARROSH: Okay…but, in that case, you already have people there keeping tabs on things, right? And they succeeded. We’re all here, and the Horde’s still here, so Thrall escaped and the world didn’t go kablooey or whatever, so your people did their job there and it’s a done deal, isn’t it?
NOZDORMU: It won’t be when you’re there. Those events are past to us, yes. And they have happened – now. But when you step through the portal, they will be as real and present to you as this conversation is now.
MOKVAR: Yeah, see, I really should have brought some aspirin.
GARROSH: I mean, yeah, I get that we’ll be seeing things happening live and in person. But if we’re sitting here having this conversation, that means whatever we end up doing there DOESN’T change anything, right? I mean, say you send me to the past. It’s still the past. So if I DID accidentally change things, wouldn’t we already know?
NOZDORMU: Except the actions you take in old Hillsbrad aren’t only the past. They are also, from our point of view in this moment, your future. Those events remain unchanged, until you actually change them. And only then do the ripples spread to the present.
LIADRIN: This is actually kind of fascinating.
NOZDORMU: Have you ever experienced déjà vu, Garrosh? Or had a memory that was so vivid and real to you, even though you knew, objectively knew for a fact, that the events didn’t happen the way you so clearly remember them?
GARROSH: Well, yeah, I guess…
NOZDORMU: That’s time rewriting itself. It happens all around us, constantly, in countless tiny ways we never notice except the cracks that flicker in the corners of our eyes. Well, you don’t notice. It’s all I ever see.
CHROMIE: Here we go, skipper, time for your favorite speech!
NOZDORMU: It’s what all of my flight sees, really; I simply have the most sensitive perception. When I look at you, Garrosh, I don’t just see you as you are now. I see everything you’ve done, everything you might do, everything you must do. They’re all written in your face, every minute, and with every choice you make, some of the endless possibilities reshape themselves, others melt away… Every single one of you here, accompanied constantly by an army of past and possible selves. Almost as if there were a thousand of you standing right here before me, Garrosh.
MOKVAR: Don’t let Garona hear that, can you imagine—
GARROSH: If you finish that sentence, I will END you.
LIADRIN: I’m…missing a lot of context for you people, aren’t I?
FARANELL: Don’t worry about it too much. I’m still pretty new, too. You catch up fast.
DONTRAG: Ohhh, I get it, you mean about how Garona’s been trying to—
UTVOCH: SHUT IT, nobody cares about her rolling an alt.
FARANELL: For instance, they’re idiots.
LIADRIN: Well yes, I gathered that much.
GARROSH: ANYWAY.
DONTRAG: No, not her alt, I mean—
GARROSH: <pummel>
DONTRAG: OWW!!
GARROSH: So okay, I think I get it. Past events can always change, time revises itself right out from under us when they do, but some events have to stay put. So say, like with what you were saying about looking at me and seeing my past and future… Like say next Tuesday I’m going to slip on a banana peel, but me falling on my ass sets off some other events that are really important, so even if you want to, you can’t be like “Hey Garrosh, watch out for the banana peel.” Because there’s some stuff in my future that HAS to happen.
Nozdormu stares at Garrosh somberly for a moment.
NOZDORMU: I think you grasp the basic idea, yes.
GARROSH: Oh so hey, is that why everybody’s just accepting how eventually you HAVE to go Murozond on us and cause all that trouble with the Infinite Dragonflight yourself?
NOZDORMU: Hey, listen, if you want to start poring over people’s misguided futures, I can—
CHROMIE: Whoa, whoa, cool down a little, boss! Ix-nay on the iege-say, right?
NOZDORMU: Ahem. Yes, yes, of course.
GARROSH: Umm, the hell was that shit about?
NOZDORMU: Hmm. One moment.
Nozdormu closes his eyes and takes on an expression of intense focus.
.tnemom enO .mmH :UMRODZON
?tuoba tihs taht saw lleh eht ,mmU :HSORRAG
.esruoc fo ,sey ,seY .mehA :UMRODZON
?thgir ,yas-egei eht no yan-xI !ssob ,elttil a nwod looc ,aohw, aohW :EIMORHC
—nac I ,serutuf dediugsim s’elpoep revo gnirop trats ot tnaw uoy fi ,netsil ,yeH :UMRODZON
?flesruoy thgilfnogarD etinifnI eht htiw elbuort lla esuac dna su no dnozoruM og ot EVAH uoy yllautneve woh gnitpecca tsuj s’ydobyreve yhw taht si ,yeh os hO :HSORRAG
GARROSH: Oh so hey, is that why everybody’s just accepting how eventually you HAVE to go Murozond on us and cause all that trouble with the Infinite Dragonflight yourself?
NOZDORMU: Yes, basically.
CHROMIE: Whew. That’s better.
NOZDORMU: Much.
CHROMIE: Why dodge a bullet when you can wind it back into the chamber, right?
NOZDORMU: Indeed.
GARROSH: Uh, what are you two babbling about?
NOZDORMU: Oh, nothing you need concern yourself with. Shall we start making preparations for you to begin your mission? There are a few small specifics we’ll need to go over.
GARROSH: Yeah, sure… Hey, actually, did I ask you that thing about Murozond before?
NOZDORMU: No, I don’t think so.
GARROSH: Huh, weird. Déjà vu.
We’re getting ourselves set to take the trip shortly. Mostly making sure we have any supplies we might need, getting a general briefing on what we’re allowed to “know” and “not know” if we talk to anyone in the other timeframe, all that fun stuff. Also, to make sure we blend in, The Noz says when we go through the portal we’ll be affected by a glamour that will make us look like we’re human. Not exactly a pleasant thought, but I can see why it’s necessary. Still, I hope whatever human form I get ends up being a LITTLE palatable. I don’t want to go literally strolling down memory lane looking like an asshole.
YOUR WARCHIEF IS A GENIUS
Not that you guys didn’t already know that, but you know what, I’m going to repeat it, BECAUSE IT BEARS REPEATING.
YOUR WARCHIEF IS A FUCKING GENIUS.
Why, you ask? YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T THINK OF THREE OR FOUR REASONS OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD? Okay, fine, maybe you just suffered head trauma or something, or you’re Dontrag or Utvoch, so I guess I can let it slide. Just this once. Anyway, I suppose I should explain what I’ve come up with.
So, you know how we’re trying to figure out a solution to the whole anti-plague thing in Southshore, and how we tracked it back to that meeting Tirion had with his other Silver Hand people, and that dark crystal that they turned light and used to make the Ashbringer with…only, that lead wound up being a dead end, literally, since Tirion’s the only one who was there at the time who isn’t dead now? Well check out this flash of brilliance – yeah, sure, those people are all dead NOW, but they weren’t ALWAYS dead, right? And I know what you’re thinking, “Uh, yeah, Garrosh, that’s the way dead works, people don’t start off dead, they come out the gate not being dead, not being dead, not being dead, still not dead, not dead yet, OH FUCK now they’re dead, the end.” Well SHUT UP and LET ME FINISH. Fucking hell, you and your damned interruptions. Point is, we can’t go question people like Isilien and Doan NOW because they’re dead, but who says we can’t just go track them down at some point when they WEREN’T dead? Because guess what, it just so happens I have an in with some people – loosely speaking – who know a thing or two about time travel.
Yup, that’s right. I’ve already contacted Thrall, and as we speak he’s talking to his old Deathwing-slaying buddy Nozdormu, and so as soon as we get the details squared away, I’ll be rounding up a team and heading down to the Caverns of Time.
GARROSH, YOU GENIUS, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN.
Anyway…while Thrall finishes making nice, I’m going to get a jump on prepping for the trip. I’ve only met Nozdormu the one time myself, and I didn’t really get to talk to him so much, so I might want to be ready to make nice myself when I get down there. I’ve heard he’s got a real sweet tooth when it comes to pastry, so I’m thinking I might get Marogg to whip up a batch of Greatmother’s lemon squares. Anything to grease the wheels, you know?
More updates soon. Don’t be surprised if the next time you hear from me, it’s from Tanaris.
[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter ZugZug, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Monday mailbag
So not only have I not really done a decent mailbag in a while (the last one really opened up a pretty big can of worms, to be fair), but in light of recent events, I actually have a pretty serious influx of stuff to respond to. Let’s get right to the mail…
In light of everything you’ve been going through, I decided to take a trip to Demon Fall Canyon to pay my respects to Grom and Lakkara both. I’ve included a picture of myself at Grom’s monument below. Also, while you were traveling to Nagrand this week, I took the liberty of writing a post on the blog to encourage your readers to do the same. Hopefully they’ll follow my lead and send you some photographic proof that we’re all behind you, and thinking of you while you deal with everything that’s happened.
If you ever need anything,
–Spazzle Fizzletrinket, Orgrimmar
Thanks, Spazzle. Much appreciated. As it turns out, a bunch of other people did follow your lead, and my inbox ended up sort of flooded with e-mails and links from people chronicling their own visits. Here’s a smattering from folks who didn’t include an actual letter:
And a bunch here that Leit over at int i; posted as part of a full blog entry on the…well…pilgrimages, I guess, that Spazzle set off:
Condolences on the … recent disturbing events. It’s hard enough to lose a parent once, let alone twice. Know that the Horde grieves with you.
In other news, guess who I ran into the other day? None other than Faranell, the “new guy” in your guild. One of your Kor’kron guards has developed a rather innovative method for controlling the pace of Faranell’s research. He occasionally punts an abomination’s head into the sewers.
That’s Faranell in the middle, and Overseer Kraggosh on the right. He seems to be doing a fine job.
And lastly, Bowling for Wildhammer. You should try it.
(And yes, that’s an atypical hairstyle for one of us. I learned long ago that long, flowing locks and high-torque power shafts DO NOT play well together.)
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey ACC, good to hear from you, and thanks for the show of support. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but I’ll manage. Granted, I’ll sleep a lot better once ol’ You-Know-Who is finally captured and properly dismembered.
Speaking of dissected bodies, thanks as well for checking in on things in the Undercity. Did you happen to see any signs of Koltira Deathweaver while you were down there, by the way? Haven’t heard from him in months, and last anybody heard he was helping Sylvanas with some stuff out in the Plaguelands. Anyway…I’m sure the boys are keeping things under control down there. I’m still not totally sold on Bragor Bloodfist and the job he’s doing with the watching-Sylvanas-but-not-necessarily-in-the-right-way, but I’m sure Overseer Kraggosh is taking care of business. I actually gave him the Apothecarium assignment deliberately, in the hopes that maybe working down there could help grease the wheels on moving him up on the list of potential “donor” organ recipients. Not to jinx things, but the guy has a really bad family history, heart disease and such, to the point that most of the family pretty much treats it as a foregone conclusion. Want to know how bad it is? The name “Kraggosh”? Means “Heart of Cholesterol” in orcish. Yeah.
Also, Bowling for Wildhammer? You’ve got to fill me in on this one. Strangely enough, for all the meetings I’ve had with Zaela, somehow she never mentioned this little diversion in Twilight Highlands. Seriously, they’ve got some kind of blood sport out there called Bowling for Wildhammer, and she’s wasting my time trying to fucking push some damn SUSHI place on me over and over? The fuck?
Spazzle suggested we attempt to cheer you up by sending you letters and pictures of us honoring your dearly departed father and mother. I kept trying to take decent shots, but my stupid pet kept ruining my pictures. The attached one is the best one I have with out any sort of shenanigans.
While I am writing I would like to ask you a question. Have you ever considered settling down and starting a family? I am from the Armripper clan who has made a good showing in all the conflicts. I am young but not too young. I was a part of the events in Northrend and was there to help kill the Litch King. I was also helpful in bringing down Deathwing and the Twilight Cult.
The only deal breaker for me is that I must be able to keep my full stable of pets near me (ie in the house at all times). I love my pets so much and would never be able to settle down with a man that did not respect that. I have 25 of them, mostly large felines of various colorings. Each one is precious to me.
Awaiting your reply,
–Toka Armripper
Oh great. We’ve got another one.
I actually think I remember you from Northrend, Toka, from when I joined the troops in Icecrown Citadel to deliver Hellscream’s Warsong. My memory’s a little fuzzy on one point, though — you weren’t on of those fuckers who had a problem with the Warsong and wanted me to stop singing, were you? Because I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, I have an enchanting singing voice, I don’t care what any of you people say.
I’m also totally fine with the pet thing. I mean, 25 cats is maybe a bit much, especially since you say you’re young, seeing as the Crazy Cat Lady thing usually doesn’t start kicking in until middle age at the earliest. (Also, that thing you said about being “young, but not too young”? Is this your way of telling me that you’re, you know, legal? Because assuming we’re talking over 18 here, “too young”? Ain’t no such thing. If there’s grass on the field, play ball.) But I get the appeal of pets — obviously I’m pretty attached to Mortimer, and he would definitely be a dealbreaker for me too, and I also have my worg Malak, who doesn’t get as much press as Mortimer does but also isn’t negotiable. So I get it.
That said, gotta be honest, I haven’t really given a whole lot of thought to settling down any time soon. For one thing, I have way too many things to focus on that are a lot bigger than just me. I have a war to win and humans to exterminate and the glorious future of an Azeroth-dominating Horde to secure, and my time and energy is going to be a lot better spent on that stuff than running around filling out a gift registry (which by the way, am I the only one who thinks that’s a fucking tacky idea in the first place? “Hey, here’s a list of the stuff we want you to buy us, because getting married all of sudden means we get to act like we’re 10 years old and everyone we know is Greatfather fucking Winter”) and getting measured for a tux. Which, also by the way, I don’t do bow ties. Chafe my neck something awful.
But even beyond that, have you SEEN Thrall since he got married? Look, I didn’t always agree with him, but even I wouldn’t hesitate to admit the guy was a badass. Now? Have you seen how he lets Aggra lead him around by the nose? I mean hell, even when he was busy fighting Deathwing, there he was, him and the Aspects and a collection of some of the Horde’s greatest champions, and they narrowly pull off this nail-biter victory that saves the world, and right in their moment of glory and triumph who just SHOWS THE FUCK UP like she OWNS the place? Yeah. Aggra. No thanks.
Besides, why would I want to settle down? Let’s be honest here — there’s a reason why I’ve ended up having to replace my bed upstairs in Grommash Hold 37 times since I took over as Warchief, and believe you me, it ain’t faulty craftsmanship.
When a good orc goes to war
Here’s an ugly fact: If you’ve spent enough time in battle – past the point where you get the rookie jitters, straight through to that point where the sight of blood doesn’t phase you anymore – you start to be able to hear the difference between types of blows. The flesh wounds, the cleaving slices, the glancing cuts, the deep hacks that hit bone…eventually you know just from the sound when a blow’s been landed that no garden variety mortal is going to walk away from.
Eventually you know that sound. You never mistake it.
I was hearing that sound a lot when my mother and I first arrived in Demon Fall Canyon. Like always, the place was crawling with lesser demons…droves of these piddly weak-ass infernals and succubi and felguards. When I came here once before, I mostly made my way around them – the pansy-ass fuckers were at least bright enough not to want anything to do with me – but this time I didn’t have much interest in sneaking around. So, we left a nice wide trail of chopped-up demons all the way to Grom’s monument.
I kept my distance and let Lakkara go up to the monument by herself. She knelt down next to it and read Thrall’s plaque, then cried for a while. When she finally composed herself again, she started talking quietly. I didn’t really try to listen in, only picked up little bits and pieces. Something about doing what she had to do to keep their son safe and untainted…that she was happy he found his way back, like she’d always hoped he would. That she wished she could have been there beside him at the end.
I didn’t go near the monument. I didn’t want to disturb her.
I was mostly off in my own thoughts and didn’t notice the rustling in the surrounding bushes until it was too late. Something hit me from behind – I couldn’t see right away – and then a voice from one of the nearby cliffs called out to me by name, and yelled something about me being a shortsighted fool, and I would lead the Horde to ruin because I wasn’t willing to make the tough choices. Monologuing away, true to bad guy form, which of course just gave me time to get my wits about me and see who it was.
Guess who. “Former General” Grebo, up and kicking again. I swear, doesn’t anybody stay dead anymore? Other than the ones who deserve better?
Meanwhile, I’d also been able to size up who had jumped me. There were four humans, all dressed in black, who’d gotten in a few hits to disorient me before I knew what was happening. Now, though, I’d gotten my second wind and had Gorehowl out. And then there were three humans. And then there were two.
While I was making short work of Grebo’s human lackeys, Grebo himself leapt down from the cliff behind me. I just caught him landing out of the corner of my eye as I was spinning to cut down another one of the humans – they really DO drop easily – but I managed to put a little TOO much energy into my swing, spun more than I’d meant to on the follow-through, and turned my back to Grebo as a result. Rookie mistake. I know better than that. And while I regained my footing, I could hear the footsteps running up behind me.
And then another set of footsteps. And a voice yelling “No!”
And then that sound.
Eventually…you know that sound. You never mistake it.
And then my mother’s voice crying out. And then nothing.
Lakkara collapsed to the ground. I turned and lunged at Grebo, but that final lackey of his managed to lock me up for a second. (Throwdown is considerably less fun when you’re on the other end of it.) Grebo must have realized that all of a sudden this wasn’t the day to try his luck, and started to take off. The couple of seconds I took separating the last human from his arms gave Grebo enough time to get a decent head start on me, and by the time I could close the gap at all, he was able to duck around a corner and disappear. Into a cave, or the shadows, or who knows where. Somehow he lost me and I wasn’t going to start wasting time chasing shadows.
I tried to hurry back to the monument as fast as I could, even though I knew deep down that time really wasn’t going to be an issue. When I got back, the armless human was laying in his heap, along with two of the others, but one of his friends was gone – maybe I was a little quick to assume I’d one-shot them all? There was blood on the ground where he fell, and more trailing along to a second bloody puddle where Lakkara had fallen. Only…no Lakkara.
I ran around Demon Fall Canyon like a lunatic, looking for bodies, blood, scraps of cloth. Tracks, as if I was a fucking hunter and would know how to follow them in the first place. Anything. All I could find was more of those damned weakling demons, and the ones that had the bad luck to be within arm’s reach found themselves swapped out for a pile of demon parts real quick. But no sign of my mother. No human. Nothing.
I’m back in Orgrimmar now. My head hasn’t stopped spinning. There isn’t one single part of this that makes sense, but I’m going to find out what’s going on, and how this happened. And someone’s going to pay.
[Header image provided by Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Welcome to [Warchief]
I’m back in Orgrimmar. After we wrapped up things in Garadar, I took sort of a leisurely trip by land to Shattrath with Lakkara. From there we took one of the portals to Orgrimmar. You should have seen the look on my mother’s face the first time she came up with me from the Cleft of Shadow and saw the Valley of Strength.
Since then I’ve been showing her around Orgrimmar and a little of Durotar. At first I figured I was going to take her on this whirlwind tour around Kalimdor and show her everything, but I forget ALL of this is TOTALLY new to her, so it’s probably better to take our time and give her a chance to take it all in. Even little things, like the fact that she hadn’t ever really seen trolls before. Or Forsaken, for that matter…although she was a lot less freaked out over seeing them walking around town than I figured she would be. I guess she just feels for anybody who’s had a rough time of it. Anyway, for the time being I have her set up with her own quarters here in Grommash Hold, upstairs.
While she’s been getting settled and resting, I’ve had a chance to hop back online and get some Earth Online time. The guild had gotten off to a slow start, since I ended up having a lot of distractions keeping me from the game, but I think we’re starting to get things together. Spazzle also set me up with this thing that lets me log our in-game guild chat, so I’m going to try using it here and give you guys a peek at what we’ve been up to. He even had some add-on that let me tag players in the game with their real names (or whatever names I want to label them with) so both names show up in the game chat. Makes it easier for me to keep things straight sometimes, but I figure it’ll make these logs a hell of a lot easier for you all to make sense of.
Anyway, here goes:
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So Spaz, how are things coming along on the guild web site?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Don’t we already have a web site?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yes and no
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We have a site that we use, but it’s not totally ours
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] How’s that?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you know, it’s one of those prefab ones you can get at a host site.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] they’re fine and all, they give you the basics of what you need, but they don’t give you a whole lot of room to customize
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] or for that matter even really have direct control of the site
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] which is fine if you’re just wanting something to get started with, or if you just don’t have someone who knows web design
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Which obviously we do
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] this way I can custom build it, and have direct control over security, track IP addresses, etc.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, and after all the trouble I’ve been having on the blog the last month or so, I want us to have more control of the guild site
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ahh, got it.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So how’s it coming along?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] pretty well
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I think it should be up and running pretty soon
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sorry it’s been taking so long, but I ended up losing a bunch of time getting the blog secured again after all the hacking that was going on
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So you finally have that locked down now?
[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, I think so. I set up a much tougher firewall
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it should be a LOT harder for anyone to get through it
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] a firewall wtf?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] we’re got walls of fire here now?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, not like that
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Dontrag.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no, this is utvoch
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hey though
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I always get them mixed up.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it’s a firewall for Garrosh’s blog
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] If it makes you feel any better, I usually have to keep a little crib sheet on me
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I still slip up every so often
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] we’re not going to have to start farming fire resist gear now, are we?
[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] server back up?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sup Dontrag
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, it’s not a firewall like that
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not in the game
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no, not dontrag, this is utvoch, i just said
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] no, not you
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] He wasn’t talking to you.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] walls of fire? are we doing one of the burning building scenarios?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] Dontrag just logged on
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh i missed that
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] shouldnt we maybe recruit someone who plays a fire fighter before we try one of those
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] “oh i missed that” he says – I bet he gets tired of having to say that
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, we’re not talking about BB scenarios. It’s a firewall Spazzle set up for my blog
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] you have a blog?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] hah
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ah ok
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, yes, I do
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Didn’t he write in for one of your mailbags, too?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] https://warchiefscommandboard.com
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, he did
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha, that’s great.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Clearly you and I have very different notions of “great”
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh cool
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i will make a point of reading it, sir
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] are you sure you want them reading it?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] as will i, great gl/warchief sir
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, you kind of make fun of them a lot on it, call them stupid, etc.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I don’t say anything on the blog that I wouldn’t say to their faces
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Watch
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Also you’re assuming they would get half of the jabs he takes at them.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Dontrag
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Utvoch
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged on.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You guys know you’re fucking idiots, right?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yes, sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sorry sir
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, I see our esteemed Warchief is once again demonstrating his inimitable leadership skills.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] great apologies, sir
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m doing my best to remedy my failings with my extension courses, sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] morning, dark lady
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey, we don’t all have the benefit of having all our underlings auto-brainwashed and under our thrall, Sylvanas
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] By the way, what’s up with your names, you two? They seem kind of…generic.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good day, Utvoch.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You wound me yet again, Warchief.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yeah we both just used one of the randomly generated names
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no this is dontrag
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait, under thrall?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] is thrall coming back?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you kind of walked right into that one, boss
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No. Thrall isn’t coming back
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who told them about this guild again?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] thrall said he was coming back?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] when was this? i missed it
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thrall
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Is not
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Coming back
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You could not pay me to be Warchief, honestly.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ah okay, if you say so, sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] truly it is a blessing that the horde has such an embarrassment of riches in our leadership
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We have an embarrassment, all right
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So hey, while you guys are here and Sylvanas is on
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I was thinking it might be good to make her an officer
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] For real?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] she was the one who was hacking into the blog, wasn’t she?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ell one of them
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, yeah, I know. But hear me out
[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged on.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good morning, Garona.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] morning garona
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] First off, even though she did hack into the blog, I have to give her props for the way she shut Varian down
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi BQ.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi dontrag.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, that was pretty funny
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No, that’s Utvoch.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] She’s been playing this game for a while and knows a bunch of the classes really well, plus she DID server transfer just to join this guild
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no its not
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] is it? damn I thought I got it right this time.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no, you got it right
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] that is true, she did
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i’m dontrag
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] he’s utvoch
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Are you sure?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Plus, you know, I’ve been thinking lately, maybe I’ve been a little too hard on her. I mean, to be fair, being tortured to death has to do a number on you
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i think we know who we are
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would think you would know you are, as well.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you think so. It probably wouldn’t be a bad gesture, since she’s the de facto leader over in Eastern Kingdoms.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Apparently, however, there is some uncertainty in the matter.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] now you’re just messing with them lol.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah that too. And also as far as the hacking goes, I think maybe if we put her on the inside, she might be less likely to want to try messing with things
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, maybe.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hmm yeah
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so what are you guys up to?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well, if you think so, boss, it’s your call
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I need to jet in a little while, though. I have to go meet up with my cousin Khizzara
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it’s new comic book day down at the shop!
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Just sorting out some day trading.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] d and i are just sparring outside washington
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we should probably get back to leveling though
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] kk Spazzle
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah, me too.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what level are you guys?
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has been promoted to the rank Officer.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] 34
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] grats!
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] 33 here
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, dear Guild Leader.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] welcome aboard, sylvanas
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you!
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No problem, Sylvanas. I figure you know the game well, plus, you know, it’s always nice to actually have someone with a few IQ points in a leadership position
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know in my other guild over on palin I’m an officer too, as a matter of fact.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] anyway, hate to greet and run, but I have get going
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, Spazzle.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] anyway boo, you guys are too high level for me.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] was going to say we should group up.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] unless you want to run a lvl 19 nurse through a couple lowbie instances… <3
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I appreciate your trust, good GL, and will of course do my best to serve the guild well.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] gotta run for a little while, guys. back later!
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i guess we could, sure
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] cya spazzle
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Later, Spazzle.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] <3
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Going quiet for a few, everyone, need to get this quest done for my class trinket
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] has logged off.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] bye spazzle
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] damn, missed him
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Before you get too far into your quest, Garrosh, would it be all right if I invited a friend to the guild?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He’s fairly new to the game, but I’m sure he’ll learn quickly. Plus he doesn’t really get out a lot, so it might be nice for him to have some new people to interact with.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that should be fine
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] where should we meet you garona
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Anyway, busy for a few
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I’m over in moscow now.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I have a couple quests to do in the kremlin if we could do that.
[Lorthemar] has joined the guild.
[Lorthemar] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.
[Lorthemar] has been promoted to the rank Member.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Welcome, Lorthemar.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Thank you!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, guildmates!
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sup
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] who’s the new guy?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] o.O
[Guild][Lorthemar] Lor’themar Theron, at your service!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh so I guess you just didn’t have enough characters to put the last name on your toon?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I think there’s a mod you can use to get around that.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh hey is that supposed to be like whats her face from the quest chain?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well…no. That’s just my name.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] that npc, another theron i think
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] charlize?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Charlize, yeah.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No, but wait, no, that’s not what he’s going for.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh wow so you’re into like that total immersion thing, huh?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yeah thats her
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] she’s in a few in-game cinematics too.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not many of those are really worth watching, though.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] is your toon supposed to be related to her or something?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ugh, too much RP.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] they are as long as you turn off your speakers
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] …
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] just sayin
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m a little confused.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I must admit, I’m a little baffled as well.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] it’s okay, the game throws a lot at you at once, it gets easier to keep track of once you play a little.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] why, BQ? you’ve been playing this game longer than me.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No…not like that.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Lorthemar is literally THE Lor’themar Theron.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] right, he said that
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and…?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] …
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Lor’themar Theron.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Regent Lord of Quel’thalas.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] not ringing any bells
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The leader of the blood elves.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you say so.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait, didn’t we kill him a couple years ago?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Never mind.
[Guild][Lorthemar] I really am confused now.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No, that was…you know what, forget it. Welcome to the guild, Lor’themar.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah i’m starting to get a little lost too
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, back
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And check this out
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wb.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Checking.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] welcome back sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So I was doing my teacher class quest to upgrade my gradebook trinket
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And I finish the quest, and since I was in an instanced inner city school zone, when I zone out I’m PVP flagged, right?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So this random guy sees me and decides he’s going to try and gank me.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Only now I’ve got my shiny new trinket, and I blow all my upgraded lesson buffs at once, and BAM, drop the scrub like a freshman-year undeclared pre-med major
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] haha awesome
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome back, Garrosh.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] woot
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And I’m all doing a /detention emote on him like “WHAM! You got SCHOOLED, bitch!” haha
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not sure I really follow all that, but I’m sure it was a glorious victory, Warchief.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They don’t call me Omgipwnedurface for nothing
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] indeed sir
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] they call you that because you entered it on the character creation screen
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Speaking of triumphant returns, by the way, I heard a rumor that Thrall was coming back. Is it true?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um okay
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OMG not that again
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah i heard someone talking about that earlier too
[Guild][Lorthemar] Really? Thrall’s returning? Do you know anything about when?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Seems he’s being very cagey about the details.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Sylvanas, why do you insist on confusing the stupid?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] huh interesting
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah sounds like he’s trying to keep it hush hush
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Sorry, dear Warchief. It’s just so easy!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] didn’t garrosh already say that wasn’t happening?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And it’s so fun to drop heavy things on the fools’ heads. They make such an entertaining splat.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yeah he did but people are still talking about it so i dont know
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on brb
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] that could just be thralls cover story too
[Guild][Lorthemar] I must admit, history isn’t terribly promising when it comes to leaders who allegedly are gone for good.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay peeps
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah thats true, like everyone said we killed you a couple years ago and here you are back again
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I need to log off for a little while
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] My mom wants me to get off the computer
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye garrosh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Plus she’s only been in Orgrimmar a day so I should make sure she’s not going to get lost or something
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] cya sir
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] l8r
[Guild][Lorthemar] Be well, Warchief. Give my best to Mother Hellscream!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Later guys
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So…is it always like this?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You really don’t read the blog, do you?
You have logged off.
Monday mailbag
Before I get to the mail, I just wanted to mention the results are in for this latest round of You Choose the Next EPIC VERSE. I’m working on the latest masterpiece now and I’m going to try to have it posted this week, so stay tuned!
Now for the letters. Just a semi-quick mailbag this week, but a couple doozies…
About a month ago A Concerned Citizen wrote in to complain about the mistreatment of a Hippogryph he had received by post. Unfortunately, I don’t think this was an isolated incident — in fact, there may be a serious problem. Last week I received a similar crate in the mail. There were postmarks from at least 20 different places and it must have been in transit for weeks. The crate was emitting a terrible stench, but I braced myself and pryed it open anyway. As I feared, the poor wyvern was long deceased, its corpse in an advanced state of decay. It was the most appalling and enraging thing I have ever had the misfortune to see first hand. I cannot imagine the suffering of that poor creature as it was shunted from one place to another.
I stood stunned for a moment in shock and horror, (and was seriously considering joining DEHTA myself), when suddenly the most amazing thing happened — I felt something nuzzle my hand. I nearly jumped out of my skin! It was then that I realised there WAS something in that crate! A ghostly wyvern stood in the box, so translucent to be nearly invisible. Thing is, despite being incorporeal he can still interact with the physical world to some extent, so he can be petted, confined to a padlock, and even ridden just like a normal wyvern! I’m not sure how this is possible, but I think it might be because the poor beast doesn’t realise he’s dead. (For instance, he still likes me to feed him wyvern chow. He doesn’t actually consume it, but he makes eating motions around it and seems satisfied afterward. To save on gold I found a bunch of kibble-shaped rocks and put those in his dish and he doesn’t seem to have noticed the difference.) It’s taking a while to get used to flying around on a mount that is, for all practical intents and purposes, invisible. However, it sure is fun to watch all the jaws dropping as I fly by!
But the reason I write you, Warchief, is that I don’t think this is an isolated incident. Over the past week I’ve seen other people seemingly flying around without a mount. It’s hard to tell for sure, but I think people all over Azeroth are receiving deceased mounts in the mail. I even think I caught a glimpse of a spectral gryphon flying past me yesterday! I’m not sure what’s going on, but if members of both the Horde and the Alliance are getting dead mounts delivered to them, perhaps there has been a severe breakdown in our postal service worldwide! I know that wyverns have a place in your heart, so I thought you might want to look into this matter and perhaps prevent the further suffering of these noble creatures.
Respectfully yours,
–Kashina.
PS: I’m attaching a photo of my poor deceased wyvern. I hope he shows up well enough on that background.
This…just…wow. I mean I know I was never on particularly good terms with old Antlers McBeardyface, but even for him, this is just…yeah, that’s just sick.
What’s just as bad is that APPARENTLY our old friend Lather-on-us up in DEHTA-land couldn’t be bothered to do anything about this, even after ACC’s original letter last month, but spirits forbid I make a passing reference to browsing in a store for a leather jacket, cause then I get a dozen granola-crunchy druids picketing outside Grommash Hold and starting letter-writing campaigns and throwing buckets of fucking blood at me.
But yeah, enough is enough with this shit. I still can’t figure out how these people got it into their heads that sending mounts in the mail was any kind of good idea, but whatever. It’s time to start cracking down. So for starters, effective immediately, I’m going to start tightening up security in all our wyvern breeding grounds. Overlord Cliffwalker’s been doing a good job clamping down on the Grimtotem up in Stonetalon, so I’ll see about him assigning some more patrols for the wyverns nests there, and I’m pretty sure we can shift some troops over to Highperch in Thousand Needles now that the Twilight’s Hammer isn’t nearly so active down there.
Meanwhile, obviously if we mean business doing something about some brainstorm sending dead wyverns and gryphons C.O.D., I figure we’re going to need a point person to coordinate things. So, consider yourself volunteered, Kashina. I’m appointing you Commissioner of Stop Being a Complete Douche-Tard. Grats. And yes, Antlers, we’re talking to you.
Recently I was doing some errands for the Violet Eye – sweeping ghosts out of the ruins of Karazhan and suchlike – when I killed a big ol’ demon and discovered he had your axe in his pockets. Do you want it back? What’s Prince Malchezaar doing with Gorehowl anyway?
Regards,
–Elder Ciaroscuro (not a Lunar Festival Elder)
Hoo boy. Here we go again.
Yeah, if you could send that back here, Ciaroscuro (and by the way that was a BASTARD to type), that would be great. There’s been some really weird magical bullshit going on with that axe for a while. I’ll try to explain what I can.
So after my father Grom killed Mannoroth, and lost his own life in the process, the explosion that burst out of Mannoroth’s body sent the axe flying and embedded the blade into the nearby rocks. It got flung into the rocks with so much force that even Mr. OMG I’M SO AWESOME LOOK AT ME Thrall apparently couldn’t pull it out, either that or it didn’t even occur to him to look around for it, either then OR when he went back to put up Grom’s memorial, because I can’t think of a third option as to why Thrall would ever FUCKING EVER come back without Grom’s axe.
Some point later, Malchezaar came to Azeroth and turned up in Demon Fall Canyon. None of the other lesser demons there had ever been able to yank to axe out of the rocks, and they generally kept their distance, seeing as having the axe that killed their head honcho right there was probably kind of creepy. But, Malchezaar figured it would be a pretty good trophy for him to pick up for that very reason, and so after some doing he managed to yank it out of the stone. Apparently, by the way, he made a big deal about the fact that he was the one that managed to pull the axe out, and how that was an omen that he was destined for greatness and to be king of the demons and what-have-you, and by the way THAT’S when he started calling himself PRINCE Malchezaar, pretentious fucker.
So anyway, he heads off to Karazhan to take up shop. Only that top level of Karazhan where he hung out was in some weird kind of pocket dimension thingy, like the very top of the tower was poking into someplace called Netherspace, sort of dipping into the Twisted Nether but not quite, or some weird shit like that. I’m not too clear on the nuts and bolts of it. But, point is, it’s this strange little pocket of time and space where…well…time and space don’t quite work the normal way. And that’s where we get into the deal with Gorehowl.
So, Malchezaar had Gorehowl, right? And at some point some Horde adventurers went in there and handed him his ass, and got Gorehowl from his body, and somehow or other it found its way back to Thrall, who gave it to me. So far so good. But every so often, the freaky bizarro zone up there kicks in, and sets off some kind of a time loop. So all of a sudden, Mechazzar is up and kicking again, and he’s got Gorehowl back on him, and what do you know, poof, wherever Gorehowl WAS, it’s not there anymore. Because it got time-loop-reset back up to Prince Fancypants up there in Karazhan.
I once tried to ask Nozdormu how this whole time loopy thing could even be possible, and he rambled on at like 90 miles an hour, and just shrugged and said “wibbly wobbly, timey whimy” and looked at me like I just asked why water was wet. So no help there.
So anyway…yeah. Every so often, the axe goes poof on me, and I end up having to send a group up to Karazhan to get it back again. Which, let me tell you, is a huge pain in the ass. I’m just dreading the day when Malchezaar’s little time loop thingy resets while I’m actually in the MIDDLE of battle somewhere, and have my damn axe vanish on me mid-swing. I have to remember to start bringing a backup, actually.
On a completely separate note, I just got my first application for the new Earth Online guild, <Warchief>. Let’s have a look at our new aspiring member…
Character Name:
£õk†årøgâr
Class and Level:
Stock Broker
Talent Spec (please discuss any unusual talent choices):
0/0/41 Execution/Advisory/Discretionary Was execution but fuck that shit u gots no power and kill nothing. vry misleading name, discertionary do it all
What do you enjoy most about your class?
money money money buy the best toys and other class beg 4 help n buffs
Previous guilds and why you left:
Scum of the Earth, guild leader give his girl all the phat lootz n she like cant play so drama killed that one
Something Wicked, kicked from this one dunno why
High Finance, cant take a fkn joke. long story.
Previous raiding experience:
yes
Any time restrictions that might affect your raid availability:
i haveto be in bed by 11
Um…okay.
Actually, no, not okay.
First of all, I’m going to try not to dwell on the crazy letters in his name, but…yeah. Look, dude, you’re really overestimating how hard I’m willing to work to contact you in-game or send you a guild invite. If I can’t just fucking TYPE your name, then the odds of me sending you a whisper or an invite or whatever drops way, way down. I don’t speak alt-code.
Also…um…
You know what, I’m not even going to try to go through point for point and break down the problems with this guy. Not even the retard leet-speak. Reading it once had made my head hurt enough as it is. So I’m just going to make an executive decision and say, oops, sorry, turns out our raids all START at 11:00, so I guess that rules us out. Good luck in your search…um…Guy Whose Asshat Name I’m Not Even Going to Try to Transliterate.
Mag’hari house guest
Sorry I haven’t been posting the last week. I’ve been pretty busy here in Orgrimmar, and not even with anything big and momentous like wiping out the Alliance or even the aftermath of Deathwing biting it. This past week my Greatmother has been visiting from Nagrand, so I was showing her around and just generally keeping her out of trouble.
As it turns out, just getting her out here was a big production all by itself. I offered to send a mage to port her straight here, but oh no, no way, turns out apparently old people don’t trust mages and their new-fangled portals, no sir, so we had to arrange to get her out to the Dark Portal to come through that way. By the way, funny how she didn’t want to take a mage portal because those things are dangerous and unreliable, and yet she was totally okay taking the DARK PORTAL which by the way HAS “PORTAL” RIGHT IN ITS NAME TOO, only with dragon heads carved around it and warlocky fel magic buzzing all over it because we all know NOTHING ever went wrong with THAT.
So anyway, we finally got her out to the Dark Portal and through to the Blasted Lands, and then over to Grom’gol to catch the zeppelin up to Orgrimmar. On the way I hear tell she promised home-knit sweaters to a couple of the Grom’grol guards and one of the goblins on the zeppelin, because, you know, you really need a sweater when it starts getting nippy out there in the tropical jungle. I bet most of the problems the Darkspear ended up having in Stranglethorn could have been cleared right up if someone had through to crank out a few cardigans.
So we finally got her up here to Orgrimmar, and I have to admit, I was kind of hoping that she would be at least a LITTLE impressed with the place, or with me being Warchief, but oh no. First thing she comments on is how we’re still under construction even with the Cataclysm happening however many months ago, and how it wasn’t even that big of a cataclysm, not like in her day when Draenor literally got ripped into pieces, and us young ’uns have it so easy thinking a few earthquakes and some tidal waves count as a capital-C definite-article The Cataclysm – and meanwhile they had their settlements rebuilt in a few weeks. Which, everything else aside, yeah, like I needed another reminder of how those goblins are seriously taking their damn time on the construction work.
Oh wait, hold on, let me correct that. That wasn’t the first thing she commented on. No, the FIRST thing she commented on was the ritual tattoos I’ve gotten since the last time she saw me, like “Oh, is this what you kids are doing nowadays? All these young people running around with their tattoos, calling them ‘ritual’ and acting like that means they’re in touch with the ancestors. I know my ancestors knew the actual rituals. You know they’re only going to stretch and sag as you get older, don’t you? Don’t say I didn’t warn you…” Oh and then there were the pieces of Mannoroth’s tusks that I wear on my shoulders – “You wear those to work? For important meetings and everything?” And when I pointed out how they’re from Mannoroth, who killed my FATHER, and how I’d used parts of the pit lord’s remains to fashion the shoulders and my throne in Grommash Hold, all I got for that was “You don’t think that’s a little tacky?”
Also, as if all that wasn’t fun enough, for the first two days pretty much all I heard about was Thrall and how proud she is of him for saving the world from Deathwing and how great it is that he and Aggra are having a baby and by the way WHEN THE HELL WAS THRALL GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT THAT?! First the wedding and now this, the FUCK, man? And anyway, that was all kinds of fun, being reminded on and on about how awesome Thrall is, and how happy she is that she’s finally going to have great-grandchildren. And then she made some mention about how apparently Kilrath has a daughter around my age that she wants me to meet, and yeah that was all kinds of awkward. Ugh.
Over the next few days a bunch of the other Horde leaders came by to meet her and pay their respects, which I’ll admit was pretty cool of them, and she seemed to like Baine especially, gave him the whole “nice young man” deal that old ladies love to throw around. And everyone was nice to her, don’t get me wrong, but like…I mean, I know I can get cranky sometimes, but I really try to watch my mouth around Greatmother. Not least of all because if she catches me swearing she used to give me a good hard yank by my ponytail, which was one of the main reasons I cut it off eventually, but I’m also not in much of a hurry to find out what she would come up with for Plan B now that it’s gone. So anyway, I try to rein it in when I’m around her, but I swear the other leaders were making a point of giving me bad news in front of her and just generally saying things to see if they could set me off. Vol’jin especially. Meanwhile Greatmother just seemed to get a kick out of everyone. I don’t think she’s really clear on what the Forsaken actually are, though, what with her calling Sylvanas “that nice elf girl” that seems like she could use some sun. (More like she could use some SunWELL, am I right? OH YEAH I WENT THERE.) I’m thinking it’s just as well that I don’t clear that one up for her.
Anyway, that’s a sampling of my week, and I’m sure I’ll roll out a few more stories about it if you want to hear, maybe toss a few quotable quotes in the Twitter feed or something (#shitmygreatmothersays maybe). For right now, though, she just left to head back to Nagrand, so if you’ll excuse me, I have a tavern to go visit.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Mission accomplished
Let’s get right down to brass tacks – Deathwing is dead!
Good job, Horde, I definitely probably couldn’t have done it without you. Well, I could have, but it would have been a way bigger headache.
From what I hear, at the very end Deathwing managed to step it up from standard crazy to hoo-boy molten tentacly super-crazy, but Thrall and the Dragon Aspects (now emeritus) were able to supercharge the Dragon Soul and go all kablooey on his ass.
The former Aspects came to Orgrimmar yesterday to deliver a piece of Deathwing’s jaw as a trophy (although let’s be honest, they could probably give a piece of Deathwing’s jaw to everyone they meet individually and still have plenty left over for the Wyrmrest gift shop – have you SEEN that dude’s jaw?). Thrall wasn’t able to make it because of something or other he needed to go back to Nagrand for with Aggra, but it was still cool to meet Alexstrasza, Nozdormu, Kalecgos, and Ysera.
Maybe not so much Kalecgos, actually. He was kind of mopey and whiney the whole time (you could say he was BLUE – GET IT? HAHA I crack myself up sometimes). Apparently he only had like a week left on his Aspect probationary period. I guess he just missed logging enough hours on the job for his pension to kick in. Kinda sucks, but I guess that’s the risk you take when you apply for a funding-conditional job.
Alexstrasza seemed cool and all, once you get past her apparently shopping at the same Respect My Strength But Look at These! outlet that Sylvanas goes to, but I’m also wondering if she just has trouble controlling whatever hocus-pocus she has going on. At one point Eitrigg’s pet worg went up to her and rolled onto its side. Alexstrasza obliged and rubbed its belly a little. Now the worg’s pregnant. Way to not know you own strength there, Life-Binder.
Anyway, they tell me they’re all going into semi-retirement now, and really, after thousands of years on the job (well, other than Kalecgos, but we’ve already covered that) they’ve probably earned some down time. Also this way the chances are much lower that another one of them will eventually go crazy and make us have to kill them. Well, except for Nozdormu, where we’ve pretty much already established that the chance is like 100%. So it goes.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Monday, so I am told, Mailbag
Citizens of the Horde,
I am an orc of my word; some days ago I invited you to write to me with your thoughts and inquiries, and promised I would answer them as is customary in this space. Today I fulfill that promise.
I write to you from our outpost in Silithus, as I prepare to begin our movement into Ahn’Qiraj. Perhaps this exercise will be helpful in clearing my thoughts before the coming battle. Let us begin.
Have you read any good books lately?
–Tarrful, Orgrimmar
Sadly, my hectic schedule as acting Warchief does not allow me the leisure time to pursue recreational reading. Fortunately, I do make a point of conducting regular briefing sessions to ensure I am kept abreast of important and relevant information, to ensure that the absence of reading time has not caused me to miss something of import.
[Saurfang doesn’t read books. He stares them down until they give him the information he wants. –Mkvr., ed.]
Do you play Earth Online too? If so, what server are you on? What class do you play?
–Kalaban, Undercity
I’m afraid I don’t know what this “Earth Online” is that you speak of. By context, I would surmise it is some sort of diversion or recreational activity involving the internet. Sadly, my schedule already calls for me to spend too much time safeguarding the future of the Horde and saving the world from annihilation for me to invest much leisure time in such matters. Also, I am an adult.
If Thrall and Garrosh ever finished that duel they started back before the Northrend campaign, who do you think would win?
–Kulkesh, Razor Hill
I could not even venture a guess as to the outcome of a battle between two such mighty combatants; and moreover, I can only hope that such a wasteful conflict might never occur.
[If Thrall ever dueled Garrosh to completion, the winner would be Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]
I must say, I was expecting these inquiries to revolve around matters of greater weight and import. Nevertheless, we carry on.
When the orcs began dabbling in necromancy, did you ever consider becoming a Warlock? I know you’re a pretty badass Warrior and all, but did you ever think it might be fun to have demon minions and dot people up?
–Davan Shadowspring, Silvermoon City
There was never a point when I was tempted to indulge in the fel magics of the warlocks. Indeed, I suspected even then that no good would come of my people’s dabbling in shadow magic. Moreover, I fail even to see the appeal of such practices; I find it much more honorable and rewarding to confront my enemy face-to-face in combat and best him hand-to-hand, rather than standing at a distance and resorting to trickery. There is a certain gravity and satisfaction to be found in feeling the weight and heft of a solid, reliable blade in one’s hands. And besides, I can assure you, if one is sufficiently proficient in the martial arts, one does not need a precarious spell to make one’s foes flee in fear.
[Damn, Saurfang almost beat me to the punch on this one: Every time a warlock makes someone run away in fear, he pays a royalty to Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]
I’m glad to see someone in charge again in Orgrimmar who’s at least somewhat respectable. I would wish you well in your efforts, except that in this case that would probably entail you actually finding Garrosh, and honestly that would end up leading to more trouble than it would be worth. So, here’s wishing you a mixed bag that keeps you in your current position for a while.
–King Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
P.S. Sorry to hear your men were stuck in those underground tunnels on Alcaz Island. Those things are creepy as hell. For years, I had these bizarre recurring nightmares that I was stuck down there, and barely even knew myself. Freaky stuff…
While I remain thankful to you, King Varian, for the kindness you showed me in light of the loss of my son, I nevertheless cannot let such denigrations against our Warchief go unanswered. I may remind you, however much good will may exist between you and I personally, I am first and foremost unwaveringly loyal to the Horde, and Warchief Hellscream is its rightful leader. I am myself, indeed, merely a part of which the Horde is a larger whole; and you may no more speak ill of our leader with impunity from me than you might strike one’s face and not expect the hand to respond in kind. And so, as Warchief Hellscream might comment in his own inimitable manner, I would take this occasion to invite you, King Varian, to engage in an act of self-copulation.
If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?
–Bob, Echo Isles
Vol’jin, I don’t know what it is that you’re trying to accomplish, or why you’ve chosen to adopt this puerile façade, but I would ask of you, please, recall your station. We are leaders of the Horde, and as such it is incumbent upon us to conduct ourselves with a modicum of maturity.
I know the Dragon Aspects have a lot on their plate these days, but considering the interest they have in Twilight’s Hammer activities, and the resources and information they have access to, have you considered reaching out to them for support in the search for Garrosh? Maybe have Thrall speak to them on your behalf?
–Zhurzigg, Orgrimmar
While it would indeed pain me to impose upon the hectic schedule of the Aspects, my time in Northrend did afford me the opportunity to develop a certain rapport with the Wyrmrest Accord. As a result, I was recently able to arrange a meeting with Nozdormu at the Caverns of Time. My original intention was to travel to Tanaris on the way to Silithus, but initial preparations detained me in Orgrimmar unexpectedly; fortunately Nozdormu was most gracious over my tardiness (in retrospect, I wonder if he knew in advance that I would be late, all things considered), and welcomed me for our discussion nonetheless.
[Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]
Sadly, Nozdormu was able to uncover no leads that might help us pinpoint the location of the Warchief. His ability to delve into past events is, in fact, somewhat compromised by current activities of the Infinite Dragonflight, which is impeding the Aspects’ plan to retrieve the powerful Dragon Soul artifact from the past.
(As an aside, I must admit I would be tempted myself to volunteer for this mission, as it would entail the opportunity to witness first-hand some of the events of the War of the Ancients, in which my dear brother Broxigar had participated.)
[Contrary to popular belief, the Sundering did not happen because of the collapse of the Well of Eternity. The landmasses of the world heard that Saurfang was at the Well, and so the continents split apart in different directions to try to get as far away as possible. As it turns out, the Saurfang present at the Well was Broxigar, not Varok, but you can hardly blame the continents for erring on the side of safety. –Mkvr., ed.]
Nozdormu does still have the power to access the future, but this would appear to have limited usefulness for our purposes. He did suggest at one point that he might move us forward in time to such a point as Warchief Hellscream has been recovered, and then acquire from our future selves the relevant information as to how and where. This, however, struck me as a rather dubious solution; as I explained to the Aspect, in such a circular approach to problem-solving, the actual answers and information would not seem to actually come from anywhere, but rather be produced of whole cloth out of nothing. Nozdormu’s only response was to roll his eyes and, waving a hand about, mutter “Wibbly wobbly, timey whimey.”
The ways of the Aspects truly are a mystery.
One final note in closing: The one aspect of responding to your mail in this format that I do not particularly like is its relatively impersonal nature. Indeed, I wish to apologize to those of you who have written to me directly for not having replied directly in kind. When attempting to log into my “e-mail account,” the machine demanded I provide a password; apparently the device did not find the resulting cleave to be sufficient proof of my identity.
[When Saurfang…oh, wait, he’s already got this one covered. Good deal, boss. –Mkvr., ed.]
By all means, continue to write to me, friends. Honor go with us all.
-Saurfang
Awesome job, Mokvar
Well, Garona took her sweet time getting here, which shouldn’t really surprise me, to be honest. Yeah, sure, you’ll be there at the time we set to meet. And you’ll be ready to go out in just ten minutes, right? Same deal. Women.
While I was waiting, I sent word to Orgrimmar to have Mokvar come out to help with the recordkeeping. I figure with everything going on, I’ll want to keep a detailed account of all the information we collect, and so it just makes sense to keep my own in-house scribe around. It’s either that or take time out to write everything down myself, and let’s face it, my time is going to be better spent thinking great thoughts. Plus, let’s be honest, my handwriting is crap. Even by Mokvar standards.
Since Mokvar’s going to be transcribing a lot of stuff – notes, maps, details from our investigations, etc. – I’ve had Spazzle set him up to be able to edit these posts to add in any write-ups he thinks would be useful to add to the record here. Plus this way it spares me having to make sense of his godawful handwriting and take the time to transcribe it myself. (Just as long as he just inserts his stuff. I warned him that if he tries monkeying around with my actual writing, I’ll fucking hand his ass over to Draz’Zilb for whatever scary-ass voodoo experiments he might want to pull on him. And yes, I’m fucking territorial about my intellectual property.)
Anyway, though, she finally did show up, and we set up shop in the tavern of the inn to go over what we’ve found. She couldn’t find any traces of the phylactery itself, and she says the Maul is still a pretty big mess from when Cho’gall had held his ogre gathering. Turns out, though, she also had a run-in with some Twilights while she was there, and found them as easy to persuade as I did. Their story more or less matched mine: the ogre Skarr had been heading up their search around Dire Maul, but recently headed to the southern part of Feralas to set up camp. He left some of the other Twilight agents to keep looking for anything they could find around the Maul, with orders to check in with him. They didn’t have details on exactly where to find him, or else Garona was going to go pay him a visit herself – apparently Skarr just told them to go to the Lower Wilds, and he would find them if he needed them, whatever that means. Oh and here’s the best part – right when she was about to polish them off, some Grimtotem raiders showed up, fighting a bunch of the Gordunni ogres…so just as the bunch of them were almost on top of her and the Twilights, she just up and POOF-vanished, and left the whole gang of them to have at each other.
So, next up, we’re going to go searching for Skarr. We’ll split up on the way, since we don’t really know what he’s going to have there as far as backup. Garona’s going to stealth her way through the woods and see if she can do some spying on the way. (I offered her a camel she could take for the trip, but I guess she preferred to go by foot…) Meanwhile I’ll be doing a flyover to see what I can find, and then, you know, probably wind up taking the direct approach while she’s doing her snooping.
There were a lot of little odds and ends that the two of us had to update each other on, and some what-ifs to plan for for the next few days, so we ended up spending a while there in the tavern. Credit where it’s due, those goblins have some pretty good cooks on payroll. While we were there, we also had a run-in with this blood elf guy who was just kind of wandering back and forth from the bar, babbling on about his dead pony or something, but the less said about him the better.
GARROSH: Hold up. Have you noticed the blood elf guy who keeps looking over this way?
GARONA: Every few minutes. He keeps looking at us, then looking away when one of us looks back.
GARROSH: Think he’s a spy or something?
GARONA: Not likely. The Grimtotem wouldn’t trust an outsider, so they wouldn’t bring in a blood elf to spy for them. The Twilight’s Hammer would get someone who was competent enough not to just sit out in the open staring at his quarry. So who else? The Alliance? Some from column A, some from column B, no-go there.
GARROSH: Can you tell if he’s watching one of us in particular?
GARONA: I’m not sure. Do you think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I don’t know, that’s why I asked.
GARONA: Ugh, I hope he’s not going to come over to try to pick me up.
GARROSH: Why would you think he’s going to…oh never mind.
GARONA: Why? You don’t think he would? It’s not like I don’t ever have men stare at me in bars, you know.
GARROSH: Yeah, no, I’m sure they do.
GARONA: You sound like you don’t believe me!
GARROSH: I didn’t say that!
GARONA: I’ll have you know I get hit on all the damn time!
GARROSH: I’m not arguing with you, dammit!
GARONA: Just because I have a grown son doesn’t mean I’m some old lady, you know!
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake, can we not go through another whole song and dance about your kid?
GARONA: Oh, sure, who wants some old worn-out orc who’s already pumped out a kid, is that it? You men are all alike.
GARROSH: When the fuck did I even say anything? I’ve got no problem with you having a kid, go ahead, have your kid, have more kids, have a whole barn of them, I don’t give a shit!
GARONA: Well you sure made it sound like some wrinkled old matron like me certainly couldn’t be catching the eye of some spry young elf in a bar.
GARROSH: I didn’t say any such damn thing! Fuck! Look, hell, there’s a REASON why the term “MILF” got coined in the first place, okay?
GARONA: So you think I’m pretty?
GARROSH: …
GARONA: Well?
GARROSH: I’m thinking.
GARONA: What do you mean, you’re thinking? What’s there to think about? Either you think I’m pretty or you don’t! You know, if you have to THINK about it—
GARROSH: I’m trying to think of what answer is LEAST likely to get me stabbed in my sleep later on.
GARONA: And what makes you think I’m going to be nearby when you’re asleep in your bed?
GARROSH: <facepalm>
GARONA: Because honey, don’t flatter yourself.
GARROSH: …
GARONA: What?
GARROSH: Lady, you are one great big can of crazy, you know that?
GARONA: What’s THAT supposed to mean?
GARROSH: Can we PLEASE get back to the guy who’s watching us, or the Grimtotem thing, or maybe even just beat my head in with a brick because even that would be less excruciating than what we’re doing now?
GARONA: You know, there are a lot of men who’d be thrilled to be talking with me over a few flagons.
GARROSH: Oh for FUCK’S sake!
GARONA: I’m just saying. Lots and lots. You have no idea.
GARROSH: Could you maybe call them all over here to beat me in the head until I lose all memory of this conversation?
GARONA: Fine, BE that way.
GARROSH: SO ABOUT THE FUCKING ELF.
GARONA: You think he’s looking at me?
GARROSH: I hope the hell he is. Maybe he can sweep you away and give me the glorious treat of your absence.
GARONA: Well now you’re just being passive-aggressive.
GARROSH: It’s a goddamn good thing for you that you’re genuinely good in a fight, that’s all I’m going to say.
GARONA: I’m just trying to help you. You know you’re never going to find a girl if you keep up with this attitude.
GARROSH: Tell me something, when you assassinated Llane, did you actually have to kill him? Or did you just strike up a conversation with him and keep talking until he threw himself on your daggers?
GARONA: He wouldn’t have been the first man to throw himself at me, I’ll tell you that much right now.
GARROSH: THE ELF, for fuck’s sake, THE FUCKING ELF, before I squeeze my head down another hat size trying to cover my ears again!
GARONA: Fine, then!
The blood elf, by this point, has wandered over closer to the table.
BLOOD ELF: Um, excuse me?
GARROSH: Oh thank goodness.
BLOOD ELF: Am I interrupting something?
GARROSH: Yes, you are, and spirits bless you for it. Can I buy you a drink? A round of drinks? And an epic mount of your choosing?
BLOOD ELF: Oh…no, no, you see, my pony only just recently…passed… <sniffle> It’s just too soon. Plus…um…well, I mean, it’s a flattering offer, but I don’t…you know…swing that way, so…
GARROSH: Well hold on, I didn’t…
GARONA: <eyes widen> Ohhh, wait a minute, NOW it’s making more sense…
GARROSH: Plus you’re a male blood elf, what do you mean you…oh never mind.
BLOOD ELF: What does that mean?
GARONA: I’m so, so sorry. I should have realized.
GARROSH: Will you SHUT IT? That’s not what I fucking meant.
GARONA: No WONDER you’re so angry all the time.
GARROSH: I AM NOT FUCKING ANGRY ALL THE TIME, YOU INFURIATING CRAZY-ASS BATSHIT HARPY!
GARONA: Mmhmm.
GARROSH: Look, can we drop the… <looks to Mokvar> Are you seriously writing all that down?
MOKVAR: Well, um, yes, sir. You said I should keep a record of everything.
GARROSH: <blink> I…just… Wow.
MOKVAR: Begging your pardon, sir, you did say we need to keep everything written down in case some easily overlooked details end up being important later.
GARROSH: You win, Thrall. Oh, man, you really, really win. Good one, dude. Hats off to you. You win.
GARONA: Now see, THRALL found himself a nice girl, and see what he did?
GARROSH: He HAD HIS SOUL RIPPED INTO FOUR PIECES is what he did!
MOKVAR: Sounds like marriage to me, sir.
GARROSH: Heh, yeah, amen, Mokvar.
GARONA: Mmhmm. Interesting.
BLOOD ELF: Should I just…leave…?
GARROSH: For the love of the spirits, NO.
BLOOD ELF: It’s just that, well, I couldn’t help but notice…
GARONA: You see! He was looking at me!
GARROSH: <looks to elf> Run now.
BLOOD ELF: Well no, I was looking at her.
GARONA: See?
BLOOD ELF: I was looking at both of you, actually.
GARONA: You…wait, what?
GARROSH: I think what he means—
GARONA: Oh no, no, sweetie, I… No, I don’t do those anymore.
GARROSH: <rubbing head> I seriously don’t know if I want to stop the Twilight’s Hammer from destroying the world anymore.
BLOOD ELF: I’m…confused.
GARROSH: Give her a few minutes. It gets worse.
GARONA: But I’m not sure why you’d be interested in getting Garrosh involved, if you say you don’t—
BLOOD ELF: So you ARE Garrosh! Garrosh Hellscream? The Warchief?
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s me. What of it? And please elaborate at length if it stops her from chiming in for a while.
BLOOD ELF: And so you must be Garona Halforcen?
GARROSH: Oh good, kick it over to her right away. Well played.
GARONA: That’s me, yes.
BLOOD ELF: <beaming> Oh wow, I can’t believe I’m really getting to meet you! This really is an honor for me!
GARROSH: Uh oh. Fanboy alert.
BLOOD ELF: And, if I say so myself, for it to be an honor for me really is quite the honor for YOU, too. It’s not just anyone who can impress me right off like that.
GARONA: Um…
GARROSH: Okay…
BLOOD ELF: You see, I’ve been making quite a name for myself within the Horde as well. I’ll have you know, I was an exalted hero of Tranquillien within a few mere hours of arriving at the place!
GARROSH: Wait, Tranq-what-now?
BLOOD ELF: And granted, I really haven’t had occasion to drop by Orgrimmar to meet you in person, Warchief, but I’m sure tales of my adventures have made their way all the way to your war room.
GARROSH: Um, maybe? Oh…OH, so wait, you’re one of those…yeah, one of the… up-and-coming adventurers that we send off of various missions in the outlying zones… Right…
GARONA: I thought you said those quests weren’t really all that—
GARROSH: Ix-nay on the usywork-bay.
GARONA: Oh. Right.
GARROSH: Anyway, um, so yeah, maybe I’ve seen reports on your…exploits… Um, what was your name again?
BLOOD ELF: I…am Johnny Awesome.
[The Blood Elf will henceforth be referenced as Johnny Awesome, because really, this is just too good. –Mkvr., ed.]
GARROSH: No, I can’t say I – wait, that’s your name?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Uh, yes.
GARROSH: No, I mean, it’s your real name? Not like an alias you made up for yourself?
JOHNNY AWESOME: No, it’s my name.
GARROSH: Your parents are Mr. and Mrs. Awesome.
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s an old Highborn name. It goes back thousands of years.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
GARONA: It’s a wonder things didn’t work out better for Azshara if she had the Awesomes working for her.
GARROSH: <chortle>
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s…it’s true.
GARROSH: I’m sure it is.
GARONA: If only she could have had her field troops led by Jimmy Omgipwnedurface.
GARROSH: <snicker> Haha, you know, I think I know a guy on Earth Online who uses that name.
GARONA: Oh wow, you play Earth Online too?
GARROSH: Yeah. You play? What server?
GARONA: Palin, Kalimdor region. You?
GARROSH: Goldwater-Kalimdor. Hah, that’s awesome.
GARONA: Med’an got me started on it. I really only started playing originally just to check in on what he was doing. You know how it is with the internet.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Can’t be too careful.
GARONA: Although I have to admit it’s really starting to annoy me that they broke the mature language filter so you can’t keep it turned off now!
GARROSH: Oh I KNOW, right? That’s !@#$ing ANNOYING.
GARONA: I mean I’m an ADULT, if I want to talk like one I should be able to.
GARROSH: What do you think of the expansion? Have you seen much about it?
GARONA: I don’t know. I’m cautiously optimistic.
GARROSH: Oh come on. Australians? They’re seriously making a whole expansion about Australians?
GARONA: Well you know, to be fair, it’s not like they’ve never taken a joke and used it seriously before. People forget that Canada was originally a running gag too, and look how well they integrated that.
GARROSH: Yeah, I suppose…
JOHNNY AWESOME: I…have no idea what you two are talking about.
GARROSH: Online gaming.
JOHNNY AWESOME: You actually do that?
GARONA: Is that a problem?
JOHNNY AWESOME: It’s just…I guess I just sort of figured you guys would be…a little cooler than that.
GARROSH: Excuse me, do you really want to get into a coolness pissing contest with us?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well I just mean…
GARROSH: Do you really want to? Because if you want to go, we can go.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well no, it’s just that…I mean, come on, an MMO?
GARROSH: So let’s see, commanded fifteen Kor’kron legions on a military campaign across the arctic wastes culminating in the death of the fucking Lich King. Shall we start there?
GARONA: Single-handedly assassinated the king of Stormwind?
GARROSH: Also a good one.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Look, I’m not trying to—
GARROSH: Son of the slayer of Mannoroth.
GARONA: Mother of the new Guardian of Tirisfal.
GARROSH: Crash landed an airship in Twilight Highlands and walked away without a scratch.
GARONA: Killed Cho’gall. The first time.
GARROSH: Dueled Thrall to a standstill.
GARONA: Fucked Medivh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay! Okay! I’m sorry!
GARROSH: That’s better. So anyway, was there a point to all this?
JOHNNY AWESOME: Oh… Well, I guess I was just wondering if I could have your autographs.
GARROSH: Our…autographs.
GARONA: I don’t know, would you really want the autographs of a couple of lame online gamers?
JOHNNY AWESOME: I know, look, I’m sorry. It’s just, you’re both heroes of the Horde, and…you know…that’s what I’m aspiring to, too, so…
GARROSH: Okay, okay, fine… <scribbles on paper>
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, and I guess I was also wondering, since I like to think I’m a rising star in the Horde, really one of your secret weapons when you come right down to it, even if I guess you haven’t heard of me yet, which really doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense, but whatever, but I was just thinking—
GARROSH: Get to the point, please, Tirion.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Well, I was just wondering if you had any missions you might need me to carry out for you.
GARROSH: Missions.
JOHNNY AWESOME: I mean I know there are lots of people scattered around Horde settlements who need help with different things, and don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to help out where I can, but it just seems to me that my talents could be better used by, you know, performing key duties on behalf of the Warchief.
GARROSH: Uh huh.
JOHNNY AWESOME: So…are there any missions you need carried out? Or places you feel I could be of particular help?
GARROSH: Um…okay…
GARONA: Time to get into character.
GARROSH: Yeah. <deep breath> Lok’tar, noble blood elf, tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar—
JOHNNY AWESOME: Wait, didn’t you just say you haven’t heard—
GARROSH: Just fucking roll with it, okay, dude? Seriously.
JOHNNY AWESOME: Okay. Yes, sir.
GARROSH: Tales of your valiant deeds have carried even to Orgrimmar, and rest assured they have not escaped the notice of your Warchief. If you wish to truly serve the Horde, your considerable powers could be used in Thousand Needles, or, um, Tanaris. The choice is yours. Remember, Hellscream’s eyes are always upon you!
JOHNNY AWESOME: Yes sir! I won’t let you down, sir!
Johnny Awesome races off, never, one can only hope, to be heard from again.
GARROSH: I really fucking hate my job sometimes.
GARONA: Wait, Thousand Needles and Tanaris?
GARROSH: Yeah, what of it?
GARONA: Well…he didn’t look like he’s been doing this for very long. Aren’t those areas pretty dangerous these days?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
GARONA: Isn’t he going to go out there and get eviscerated?
GARROSH: Yes, and?
Wait, so hold on. I had a five-hour strategy session with Garona, and THIS is what Mokvar decided was important enough to post up here? Seriously? THIS is what made the cut?
Either way, though, gotta say again, it’s DAMN impressive that he’s able to get all this stuff transcribed like that. Really, really impressive.
Now pardon me while I go find him and smack him around a little.
[Header image provided by regular reader and commenter ZugZug, used here with permission and many thanks.]
