Tag Archives: undercity
Two for one special
So, needless to say after yesterday’s mailbag, I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. I still plan on making some inspection stops in the Eastern Kingdoms, but the timetable might be spread out a little more than it would have been, what with some other things I need to check up on.
Still, I also definitely need to check on the northern parts of the Eastern Kingdoms, and I’m probably pretty overdue to pay Sylvanas a visit in the Undercity. So with that in mind, here’s today’s installment of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – two short poems today, one on who’s-his-face, the blood elf leader guy…
There was a blood elf named…whatever,
Who they tell me is noble and clever.
After Kael’thas went loony
And left Silvermoon, he
Installed in his place…um…whoever.
…and one in tribute to one of Sylvanas’…um…colorful citizens.
There was a man named Jeremiah
Who was a Forsaken pariah.
If someone encroaches
On selling cockroaches
They’d best pray for some kind of messiah.
EPIC VERSE!
Monday mailbag
So, back to business with a fresh mailbag. Sorry I missed last week, but after everything that went down in Stonetalon, I really wasn’t up to answering letters last Monday. Luckily that’s all in the past now, so I can get back to the blog and not be reminded of that whole disaster. Let’s see what we’ve got this week…
Blood and Thunder Warchief Hellscream,
I extend my thanks to you warchief for upon your visit to Stonetalon Mountains you weeded out the corruption and “relieved of duty” Overlord Krom’Gar. Although my wife and child could not be spared before your arrival I will take your lessons to heart “honor, no matter how dire the battle never forsake it.”
My Wife and Child are now buried and I laid their remains and would ask that you would only take a moment out of your day of mountainous paperwork to remember them and honor them. ‘Lok Tar Ogar, Victory or Death’ mighty Warchief.
–High Chieftian Cliffwalker
OH FUCKING HELL, SERIOUSLY??
I mean, um, yeah. Very sorry for your loss, Chieftain. Respect. (Dammit, where’s Spazzle when I need a hand with the damn erase button again?)
We should definitely set up some kind of proper memorial for your family, though. I have to admit I’m not really up to speed on tauren traditions, so you might want to talk to someone a little more in the know to make arrangements. I would offer to help with that myself, but I feel like it might not be such a hot idea for me to go up to Baine Bloodhoof and ask him about tauren burial customs. Things might get a little weird.
6 – 6 x 6 = 0. Discuss.
–Bob, Echo Isles
Dammit this is my mailbag, not math class.
Besides, what’s there to discuss? 6 – 6 x 6 = 0, the end. What do you want, a medal for knowing the obvious?
Hail, Warchief! As a concerned citizen of Silvermoon, I have a request.
As you well know, we are without a real leader just at the moment. Our King, Anastarian Sunstrider, has fallen. Our Prince, Kael’thas Sunstrider, went bat-shyte koo-koo. And our Regent-Lord, Lor’themar Theron … well, you know. Decent fellow, but mostly useless. It’d be nice to have a real King again.
Anyway, I was reading up on Earth Online the other day, about this place called “Sweden”, and this guy named “Bernadotte”, and I got an idea.
Do you have any officers that aren’t doing anything especially important? I hear Bragor Bloodfist is looking for a new posting.
–A Concerned Citizen
P.S.: I just hit the level cap on my “aeronautical engineer”, by the way. The leveling tests were pretty brutal, but the end-game looks sweet.
First of all, ACC, what’s the deal with the aeronautical engineer thing? Is that some kind of hybrid spec? Because I thought the talent trees were Chemical, Electrical, and Mechanical. Did I miss something on the wiki? Meanwhile, I’m still playing around with the veterinarian, but I also just rolled a humanities-spec teacher class (for those of you wondering, by the way, that would be the human equivalent of orcities studies). Who knows how that will go.
Now, for your question. See, I’d be all for installing my own people to run puppet governments for me, and saving all the trouble that comes with giving the different city leaders the leeway to do things their way, but if you don’t do it right it’s more headaches than it’s worth. Biggest problem is it’s AWFULLY hard to keep control of a captive population if the people weren’t on board with the regime change. Like take Magatha Grimtotem trying to stage a coup in Thunder Bluff after Cairne died. How’d that work out for her? Yeah.
Thing is, for you blood elves, it kinda sucks because if you’d had this idea a couple years ago, we could have done something about it. Like if you could make a move right after the truth about Kael’thas came out, there’d probably be enough backlash against him in Silvermoon that the people would be all over a new leader. Open arms, figurehead installed, profit. Of course, back at the time when the iron was hot, we had Thrall running things all white-hat style and me off in Nagrand still cutting myself and shit. But still. Good job being slow with this idea just the same. Honestly, though, trying to do it that way now, we’re just going to get stuck with uprisings and unrest and all kinds of other crap.
As for Bragor, are you serious? I’m supposed to give him a promotion for mediocrity? He’s barely been able to stay on top of thing just WATCHING the Undercity, you want me to give him even MORE authority somewhere? Speaking of Bragor keeping his eyes on things…
While I deeply appreciate your taking the time to respond to my previous note, I fail entirely to see what is wrong with the way I dress, such as to justify the manner in which Captain Bloodfist has been persistently leering at me these past months.
–Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, Undercity
Yeah, you’re right. Don’t know what I was thinking.
Ive never seen a wisp deliver a letter in my life but here i sit, outside the Darnassus wisp delivery outpost, trying to pen an urgent plea for help using only the supplies these hippies wonderful like minded people ancsestor dammed night elven scum use.I only hope you get this message before your murder destroy its carrier since i can already feel myself becoming lost again, each time i succomb it becomes more and more difficult to resist. but then why would i want to resist, i dont want to be a part o each time i loose another part of myself to this sickness.I dont have much time.It began a fortnight ago, I began to feel ill while resting in Orgrimmar, i thought that sleep would do me good but i couldnt rest, i could think only of traveling to ashenvale. as time went on the thought turned into a nessesity, i couldnt stay in the city any longer. I dont know how long i had traveled before i blacked out, the next thing i remember was waking up in the inn in Darnassus with strange thoughts echoing in my head.I dont know how much longer i will remain myself, if i can i will escape, i will find a cure, but i beg you warchief, do not brand me a traitor, i did not ask for this gift curse.
Um, yeah.
Okay, first of all, the wisp delivery thing? That’s not what it is. It’s called E-MAIL. The wispy thing you’re talking about is actually an electrical signal coded by a machine and relayed through cables and wires. (Yes, yes, Spazzle, also sent through why-fly, but there’s no sense confusing this guy any more.)
Still, I can understand how you would be mixed up there, being as you’re apparently surrounded by night elves. In Darnassus, no less. Actually, tell me something, did they feel the need to fucking dip everything THERE in glitter too? Just wondering.
Either way, sounds like you’re having a pretty rough time of it. From what I can gather from your letter. Which, frankly, isn’t a whole lot – and by the way, next time you might maybe want to try taking off your mittens when you’re working on an e-mail – other than I guess you need help. Which I would totally send for you, but you never actually signed your letter or told me who the hell you are, so I wouldn’t even know who to tell the Kor’kron detachment to look for.
So, you know, sucks to be you, I guess.
We are have multiple complaint about your command, to please confirm leadership visit identity verify office for submit banking record and identification validate. Warchief will be suspend if not verify. Thank you.
–Warchiefsecuresafe, Pandaria
OMG WTF!!!! What the hell is this?!? Oh wait, WAIT – THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT BEFORE!! Yeah, see, SEE, I KNEW someone could try something like this after the whole fake letter from Thrall a few weeks ago!! But everybody was like “oh pooh pooh, silly Garrosh, why do you get upset about nothing?” WELL IT’S NOT NOTHING NOW IS IT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Okay so you guys will have to excuse me while I go try to straighten this whole mess out. I hope they have an office locally, I don’t even know where the fuck Pandaria is…
Anyway, that’s it for this week. Remember to keep your letters coming – garrosh1337@gmail.com – and I’ll crank out another batch for next time.
Monday mailbag
Running a little late today, I know, but here’s a few of this week’s letters…
I hope this missive finds you well. Your delightful and inspiring blog was recently brought to my attention, and I felt compelled to write to express my deepest appreciation. I can see now why Thrall so wisely saw fit to appoint you as his successor. With such a keen intellect at the helm, I have little doubt that we shall prevail against our foes.
I am particularly touched by your recent comments on my defense of Silvermoon. While I am saddened to see that you still harbor reservations about my loyalty and commitment, I can assure you that the good of the Horde is forefront in my thoughts, and further assure – nay, stress – that no further…shall we say…indiscretions are forthcoming. I cannot, in fact, emphasize this point enough. There is truly nothing for you to concern yourself with, and, as such, I can further assure you that there is no need for you to waste valuable time checking up on the goings-on in, say, Silverpine Forest or Gilneas. With so many Horde outposts in need of your sage attention, it would pain me to know that we Forsaken were needlessly occupying your valuable time. So, once again, no need to visit Silverpine. Really. Don’t you worry your dear, most interestingly proportioned head over it.
Also, loathe though I am to impose upon the Warchief’s attention, might I request, at your next opportunity, that you have a word or two with the most honorable Captain Bloodfist, of the Kor’kron detachment generously assigned to aid in the defense of my beloved Undercity? Skillful military tactician though I’m sure he is, I cannot help but notice over these past several months that he persists in…looking at me. In…ways that are starting to make me feel rather uncomfortable.
–Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, Undercity
Oh crap, I think I’m about to have more forms to fill out.
Although…I mean, seriously, do you ever look at the way you dress?
Anyway. It’s nice to see Sylvanas coming around a little. Like I said a couple weeks ago, I really did have my doubts about her, but it really seems like she’s pulling herself together these days. Nice to know I don’t have to worry too much about her, it’s not like I don’t have enough on my mind already these days.
HAHAHA! That’s it, laddy, put them DEHTA pantywaists in their place! Ye know, they keep tellin’ all their recruits they’re me archenemy. At least that’s what they say – I haven’t seen ’em dare come near me themselves! But at least they talk a good game. Ye notice, though, they keep tryin’ to recruit people to run errands for them, but they still only have six members, so good on ye, lads, fine job retainin’ yer recruits!
If any of ye DEHTA types are readin’ this, I’ll raise me stein and have a drink to yer health…and use it to wash down the goodly feast of assorted Northrend meats I went out and killed fresh today! Ye know where to find me if ye ever grow a pair!
–Hemet Nesingwary, Sholazar Basin
I don’t really have a lot to say here. This just made me happy! Good to hear from you, Hemet, it’s been a while! For anyone who doesn’t know, Hemet used to hang out in Nagrand, so I used to go hunting with him sometimes. Hey Hemet, remember that time we were hunting Banthar, and that damn Durn the Hungerer came sneaking up behind us? Like how does he DO that anyway? How does a 50 foot tall giant gronn just SNEAK UP on you like that??
To Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde:
Seriously? Clefthoof stew? And not only ENCOURAGING people to eat clefthoof stew, when there are many far healthier, less murder-requiring dietary options available, but GLORYING in your choice to make such food out of a CRUELLY BETRAYED friend and companion of your childhood?
You really are determined to evoke the wrath of D.E.H.T.A., aren’t you?
–Arch Druid Lathorius, D.E.H.T.A.
Oh no. THE WRATH OF DEHTA! WHAT-EVER WILL I DO. Hey, news flash, Lather-on-us, the whole time I was up there in Northrend, there was only one person whose “wrath” I ever concerned myself with at all, and guess what, it wasn’t you, or any of your whiny druid friends.
I already wasted enough time on you guys last week, but looks like Hemet might have a few choice words for you. YOU REMEMBER HIM, RIGHT? THE ARCHENEMY you guys were going to PUT IN HIS PLACE, and you sure as hell did, provided by “in his place” you meant “at the dinner table, feasting on a spread of barbecued, stewed, and roasted shoveltusk, woolly rhino, mammoth, and worg.” Yum!
I know you be tinkin’ I be supportin’ you as my replacement as Warchief, but I really only gave ya da job to prove to you an’ everybody what a failure you’d be at it. Ever since you came to Orgrimmar you been actin’ like you be knowin’ how to run tings better dan me, so I figured I be givin’ you enough rope to hang yourself. Not to mention dis way when I come back everybody will be so happy to be rid of you dat dey’ll tink I’m even more of a hero. Like seriously mon, you got no idea how much all de other leaders be missin’ me. After you, all I’ll have to do is walk in a straight line without droolin’ on meself an’ it’ll be an improvement, mon. P.S. You smell.
—Bob Trall, Echo Isles
WHAT!!! OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THRALL WOULD SAY THAT WTF!!!! And WTF is he doing in the Echo Isles I thought he was supposed to be in the Maelstrom or Mount Hyjal or wherever the fuck he is that’s not here!!!
AND I DO NOT SMELL WTF!!!
Monday mailbag
OMG people are reading my blog!!!! I didn’t even tell anybody other than Spazzle and Eitrigg that this blog was here and now people are reading it! I have fans! People love me! I WILL BASK IN THE ADORING GLOW OF MY LOYAL AND DEVOTED FOLLOWERS! Go me! GO GARROSH!
I hear ya about the paperwork, Warchief. Are you sure you don’t have any assistants to help cover it, though? I’m just a Kor’kron captain and even I have Aleric here to push some of the forms off on. Speaking of which, is there any chance you could have someone come by and relieve me for a weekend or something? I’ve been stuck standing here in the Royal Quarter for almost two years now, and while the view isn’t bad if you know what I mean, let’s just say the aroma around this place isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It would be kind of nice to have a day or two to just go up to Brill and get some air.
— Bragor Bloodfist, Undercity
Oh yeah, absolutely, let me send someone down there to relieve you, Bragor. You really must need a break what with how hard you’ve been working keeping an eye on Sylvanas and making sure she doesn’t get up to anything fishy like developing more of Putress’s plague, and – OH WAIT, SHE TOTALLY DID. How about you DO YOUR FUCKING JOB SUCCESSFULLY before you ask for a vacation? Hey, pro tip, if you spend two years fighting the minions of a diabolical mastermind, like say, I don’t know, some FUCKING SHIMMERY WINGED UNDEAD GIANTS, and one day you see them just hanging out in one of the capital cities of the Horde, and instead of being KILLED LIKE THE BLOOD ENEMIES THEY ARE, it seems like they’re just chilling with one of our leaders, you know, maybe you want to check up on that.
But oh, hey, you do make a decent point about assistants, though. Tell you what. I was going to send someone down there to relieve you, but I think what I’ll do instead is keep them around here and have them work on these forms for me. You keep at it down there in the Undercity. I’ll be expecting your report on where the fuck Koltira Deathweaver disappeared to. IN TRIPLICATE.
Hey mon, I be havin’ a question for ya. If da Lich King’s horse is Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?
— Vol’ Bob, Echo Isles
OMG I can’t believe how stupid this guy is! The Lich King’s horse is INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU STUPID IDIOT! ALSO YOU’RE STUPID!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How dumb do you have to be to not know words.
I swear sometimes I think I’m the only one left in the Horde that’s not a damn retard LOL.
I seriously can’t believe Thrall put you in charge. It’s not that you’re dumb as a post, because let’s face it, his other options were all orcs, and what were his odds there with any choice he made? And it’s not so much that you’re a badboy poser who talks a good game when he knows there’s someone like Rhonin or Tirion in the room to break up any actual fight.
But dude. Poetry? From your journal? Which, you know, is just a slightly less pathetic way to say “diary”? What are you, a fourteen-year-old girl? Do you try to compensate by at least writing poems about weapons and battle, or are you just going all-out and writing about flowers and other sissy crap like that?
— Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
OMG HOW DID HE SEE THIS BLOG!!! I’m writing this for LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE TO SEE, what idiot rigged up the internet so ANYONE can just go around looking up WHATEVER THEY WANT!! Next thing you know kids at the Orgrimmar orphanage will be able to look up succubus erotica that is clearly only supposed to be for me adults. (Does anyone know if Greatmother can see this, by the way? Just checking.)
Anyway! SOMEHOW you’ve managed to breach blog security here, Varian, so I suppose I should answer you. First of all, on the poetry in general, hey, don’t get pissy with me because I’ve read a book in my life. Don’t you have some giant library right there in your castle? How about you reach up on one of those shelves and crack a tome once in a while and maybe get some damn culture.
As for what I write about, here, just for you, I’ll write one about flowers AND weapons. Enjoy.
Mageroyal is red,
Peacebloom is white,
Axes are sharp,
Fuck you, Varian.
EPIC VERSE!
Keep the letters coming. I’ll try to do these mailbags when I can. FOR THE HORDE!
