Tag Archives: utvoch

A day in the life

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So, the last few mailbags have gotten me thinking. I’ve been getting a bunch of questions about pretty regular day-to-day things in my life — nuts and bolts about what I do and why. Just another part of being a celebrity, I guess, and a pretty damn awesome one at that. Point is, with all the crazy crap that goes on around here, I think I might have gotten so busy keeping everyone updated on the BIG NEWSY stuff that I haven’t bothered talking about anything else. Which, you know, was kind of the POINT of writing the damn blog in the first place. You know. THOUGHTS AND MUSINGS AND SHIT.

Well, maybe not shit. Not literally. Because gross.

Point is, though, I’m going to try to be a little better about posting on the NON-BIG-GIANT-WORLD-ALTERING stuff that’s going on or that I have in mind or whatever. So, for those of you interested in more of an inside look at what it’s like to be me (short version: way better than it is to be you), here, have a peek into a sample of a day in the life of everyone’s favorite Warchief.

(That would be ME, you UNGRATEFUL SMARTASSES out there.)

 

8:09 AM – Woke up. Rolled out of bed. Pulled razor across my head. (I try to be diligent about shaving. Wouldn’t be a big deal if I only had some stubble on my FACE — the tattoos would make it hard to see anyway — but if it starts getting visible on top, you start seeing what a bad draw I got as far as middle-aged hairlines go. I’ll tell you, my mother’s side of the family must have had some fucking awful hair, because I sure as hell didn’t get mine from Grom.)

8:16 AM – Morning jog around Grommash Hold. Worked up good sweat but noticed several vendors conspicuously absent. Unable to amuse self by slapping them on the way by. Possibly vendors getting wise. Two years later. Never said they were sharpest tools. Disappointing nonetheless. Post-slap reactions always good for chuckle. Especially troll.

8:43 AM – Bacon. Also: more bacon.

8:51 AM – Kafa. Really not bad at all. Maybe should have listened to Ruekie about Starbulls earlier. Remember to check with her about other blends later. Potential application of haste buff stacking with Recklessness.

9:00 AM – Budget review meeting with Eitrigg. Gramps raised some concerns about an increase in the “Warchief discretionary spending” category. Don’t even get me started.

10:00 AM – Staff meeting with Malkorok, Overlord Runthak, and Overseer Elaglo. Updates on a number of projects, plus a few security oddities from Malk. Mokvar working with Xorenth today, so Taktani recording notes. Malkorok less than pleased. Can’t really blame him. Some sensitive topics, so not publishing transcript.

11:32 AM – On way out after meeting, had to suffer through, and minimize, small talk with Dontrag. Or Utvoch. Not sure. Apparently waiting for Tak after meeting. Luckily escaped when she came out.

11:36 AM – Note to self: Check on which one of D&U is which.

11:37 AM – Followup note to self: Don’t really give shit which is which. Disregard previous.

11:45 AM – Shayari gets back from morning of mage training with Faranell in Undercity. As per recommendation, Doc showed her Ice Block today. Apparently never bothered picking it up because she’s a fire mage. Dalaran, Shmalaran. Don’t know what those fuckers were teaching her.

Shay also delivered (another) invoice from Faranell for his jaw replacement. Can’t possibly really be that expensive. Also not crazy about Materials; “headhunting” and acquisition line item. Bad feeling about this.

12:20 PM – Lunch at Broken Tusk. Pretty good special, “Agamaggan’s pulled pork.” Needs bacon, though. Then again, what doesn’t?

12:36 PM – While eating, interrupted by Dontrag. Or Utvoch. Not sure. Not the one from earlier. Other one. Yammered on about something. Difficult to follow as I wasn’t listening. Can only assume that sounds of me eating sounded to him like “Tell me about your life.” Really crossed the line, though, when he started going on and on about wanting to set up a double date for him and the other one.* Thought of those two on dates led to prospect of them breeding. Lost appetite at that point and left. See, proves my point about bacon. Would have still been worth it in that case.

* Not with me. Double date for them and two someones (sometwos?) else. Not me. Even bacon couldn’t have salvaged that shit if so.

1:30 PM – Combat drills with trainees. Focus today on defensive maneuvers, parrying, mitigation skills. Overall decent performance. Korrina still a little reckless. Rook possibly a little too quick to hit “oh shit” buttons, but growing more adept at self-heals. Bodes well for group use, maybe occasional off-healing. Giska doing well with unarmed combat, blocking especially, skill less successful while using a weapon. Possibly check with Lunchbox on this. Tuekie, Zorekk coming along well, performance gap remains but growing less conspicuous. Mirembe and Tov’osh still on training maneuvers in Northrend.

3:00 PM – Extra melee practice with Gurtash. Trying to ease him back in but he’s still a little slow to pick things back up. Very hesitant. Hit accuracy seems uncompromised by injury, so that’s good. Kept to short session today. Don’t want to discourage him but combat skills need to take major step forward if he’s to perform honorably. And survive. More side sessions to follow.

4:00 PM – Hop onto Earth Online. Not going to bother logging guild chat — only getting on for a few minutes to check auctions and knock out a few dailies, then I’ll be logging off.

6:11 PM – Finally logged off of Earth Online. Man. Game really goes have a way of sucking you in and burning the day. Didn’t even really do anything especially fun. Didn’t even really do much of ANYTHING. Two hours gone anyway. How the hell does Genesis do it? Check on this — could have potential mind control / military applications. Make mental note for next meeting with Blackfuse and/or Draz’Zilb. And of course, Shay had to pop in and snarky comments about nerdy gaming. Again.

6:20 PM – Tried to take Shay to this new barbecue place over in the Drag for dinner. When we arrived, found Dontrag and Utvoch there.

Positive: Both there, so no need to worry about who’s who.

Negative: Both there.

Double negative: Don’t CARE who’s who, which cancels out positive above. (Math nerds: Yes, in this case double negative cancels the positive and not the negatives. Don’t get panties in a bunch. Also: HEAD HURTS.)

Triple negative: They were chatty.

6:22 PM – Got the fuck out of there and headed home. I’ll send for takeout, dammit. Fuck that noise. (Literal noise.)

6:27 PM – Passed by Kodohide Leatherworkers on way home. Had to drag Shay away to avoid shopping spree. She stuck head in doorway, entire staff greeted her by name. Fuck me.

7:21 PM – Shay tries to conjure lemon squares for dessert. Not something that usually promises much success but she decides she wants to try it anyway. Goes about as well as you might expect.

7:34 PM – Leave note for repair crew to come by tomorrow to take care of damage to kitchen. Not looking forward to bill. Also make mental note to talk to Faranell about the lemon square thing or failure thereof. What the hell am I paying for. Remember this next time he tries griping about the bill for his damn jaw.

 

Monday mailbag

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Okay, time to dip into the mail. Quick one this time around, but I’m a busy orc, so that works out. Let’s get right to it…

 

How Ya Doin’ Big G,

So, I kinda put some thought into my work. The Facemelters just weren’t sellin’ like I thought they would, so I decided to put my design talents to work by approachin’ ol’ Helix Blackfuse and lookin’ for work. Course, the big boss gets all the fame and glory of his design team, but no big, ya know? He still pays pretty good compared to what I was makin’ with my startup company.

I come bearin’ some good news for your most recent armaments order. So, get this. Ol’ Blackfuse comes to us in the design team, wantin’ to make a demolisher. Only he wanted to mix it with somethin’ like those dwarf steam tanks they got on the other side. I thought, what would make this bigger, better, and more BADASS than just a demolisher with the stayin’ power of a tank? We worked at it all night, but I think you’ll absolutely LOVE the end results. We like to call it the Iron Juggernaut.

So, we took the basic design of a Horde demolisher, then we completely reworked the chassis so the end result, once the body team finishes construction, looks like a Kor’kron scorpid! Pretty cool, huh? But that ain’t all we got in mind! Instead of claws, we slapped a launchable sawblade and drill to its front end (which is also where the exhaust port is to vent all those volatile flames from the furnace, and hoo baby, this thing looks like it’ll be spewin’ fire like a dwarf that had one too many at Brewfest when it rolls off the assembly line). Instead of some sort of impalin’ device for the tail (seriously, that drill-claw ain’t just for looks), we replaced it with a laser beam. Yeah, you read that right. Lasers. Perfect for incineratin’ your enemies AND cookin’ those five copper instant noodle packs! We also got a device in place that launches boilin’ hot tar in all directions, ’cause you can never have too much in the way of stoppin’ power for anyone comin’ to beat this thing up. Toppin’ it all off, this bad boy also launches crawlin’ land mines that burrow into the ground (that was my input, because you can never EVER have enough explosives involved). The design for those crab mines were from a guy over in R&D named Pauli Rocketspark, and man, does that guy love his explosive devices. More than me, and that’s sayin’ somethin’, ya know?

I attached a copy of the blueprints for your final okay on the finished product. Can’t wait until we start producin’ these babies!

–Glessee “Glitch” Sparkbolt
Blackfuse Company, Weapons Designer

Oh, hey, Glessee, it’s been a while. Sorry the Facemelters didn’t really work out, except I’m not really that sorry, what with those things, like, at least six times more dangerous for the USERS than they were for the TARGETS. I have this on good authority from several field commanders who never had any experience with the things themselves but BECAME field commanders when they replaced their recently deceased predecessors who DID.

(Speaking of which, seeing as the Facemelters turned out to be a big ol’ kablooey-disaster, have you considered maybe trying to unload your leftover stock on the Alliance? You could maybe recoup some of your money, and we could probably end up with at least a few dead Allies and the resulting yuks.)

So… you’re on Blackfuse’s payroll, huh? Which kind of means, by extension, you’re on MY payroll. Could be handy to have some inside info on what he has going on. Dude DOES tend to be pretty cryptic about what he’s working on until he’s gotten things at the very late stages. A few peeks at things while they’re still early in production. You know, before I get hit with the R&D bill after the fact.

Speaking of which, this latest project sounds freaking AWESOME. A demolisher loaded up with wall-to-wall weaponry all packed into the shape of a giant scorpid? FUCK yeah. I mean… wait… it IS a GIANT scorpid, right? I’m not going to open the box and find out it’s some kind of mini demolisher scaled down to the size of an actual scorpid, am I? Although it might be kind of funny if it was all tiny and shit but could still roll in and wreck face. That might be good for some LOLs.

Assuming we’re talking about a demolisher-sized scorpid and not a scorpid-sized demolisher (tell me THAT’S not a meme-starting Ask.fm question just waiting to happen), gotta say, I’m loving this GIANT ROBOT idea. We should totally run with this whole design philosophy, if you ask me. Like what if we built a bunch of these souped up demolishers, and made them so they could COMBINE into a giant fel-reaver-type robot? Like one demolisher unit could make the body, and two more could be the arms, and so on, until BAM! all cower before the might of Vol’kron! Or whatever we call it. I’m just spitballing here.

OR– OR– hey! How about THIS — what if we made some demolishers that could turn INTO reavers? So you’ve got the armored siege engine, AND you’ve got the giant robot! Or you could even keep the scorpid idea, and have the SCORPID turn into the reaver, depending on what you need it to fight. Give it some badass name, Scorponok or something. Or for THAT matter, who says we have to limit ourselves to scorpid demolisher forms? Like for instance, I’ve got Nazgrim down in Pandaria sending his scouts to check out the Isle of Giants — can you imagine if we could whip up some motherfucking ROBOT DINOSAURS? DO YOU REALIZE HOW BADASS THAT WOULD BE? They could even still transform from their dino-demolisher forms into reaver-robot forms. Just picture that — a robo-devilsaur that kicks your ass, then turns into a giant reaver to kick it some more. Granted, the robot probably wouldn’t be too bright, but me Garrosh no care.

Hang on. How much do you figure all this might end up costing? Me Garrosh might motherfucking care about THAT.

 

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Um.

Okay, you know what? I’m going to stick my neck way, way out and guess that this came from a goblin. First hint? The school this kid’s going to apparently saw fit to start teaching economics and marketing before, you know, HOW TO FUCKING SPELL.

Also, what the hell kind of a deal is that? I pay this kid do she draws me a PICTURE of bacon? How the hell is THAT supposed to be satisfying? I can just go get some REAL bacon! HOW IS THAT NOT A BETTER DEAL? I’m not going to get anything out of somebody DRAWING something I can just do for real. That would be like… I don’t know…

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Heh. Hahahahahaha. That IS pretty funny. They really do get those looks on their faces, too. Right before they lose consciousness. Then they’re quiet. Sweet, sweet quiet. Good times.

Um. Okay, okay, fine, maybe a picture can be fun sometimes. But I’m not going to freaking PAY for them!

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OH STOP THE EDITORIALIZING, KID. Sheesh.

ANYWAY, the answer is no, kid. I mean, goblin-kid. Not Gurtash-kid. I’m not interested in hiring you to draw for me. Or my friends. Or whatever.

Gotta admit, though. That bacon DOES look good.

 

Okay, that’s going to do it for this time around, but keep those letters coming. More awesomeness soon.

 

[The Warchief’s next mailbag will be Monday, March 7. And, speaking of which, I realize that the blog’s content has been rather mailbag-heavy of late, when there’s even been new content at all, but rest assured I’ve been making use of the seeming down time — the results of which you’ll be seeing start to roll out this week! So thanks to everyone for hanging in there. You patience will be rewarded! In the meantime, do send a few questions, comments, or other missives to Garrosh via or email or, as always, using the handy-dandy for below:]

 

Monday GUEST mailbag: Gurtash

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Okay, so remember when I announced this guest mailbag by Gurtash, and wondered if I was going to have to find him his own text color? Yeah, well, as it turns out, the kid found a way to make that question moot. Here, let me kick it over to him and let him explain…

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Hey, Gurtash!

Where did you get into art?

What’s your favourite piece you’ve drawn? Get well soon!

–Valinora Lightshorn, Stormwind City

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Dear Gurtash,

My name is Sarlin. I’m not sure if you read Warchief Hellscream’s blog or mailbag much. I’m a new reader, myself. Not sure if you’ve heard of me at all. It’s nice to see that you’re finally up and about! Well…up, anyway. Healing, I think is the word.

What you did a while ago was really brave. Putting your life on the line for a friend (who I honestly don’t have time to whine about; according to Garrosh, I’m still on the limit with you, too) and coming away with a badge to show for it? That took guts. You’ve done more than the Horde proud, and I really hope you see it.

Incidentally, if the scar is still a bit strange to you, maybe you’ll take a little comfort in the knowledge that I have one in almost exactly the same place. You’ll get used to it over time, don’t worry. Plus, you have a pretty damn good tale to tell whenever you get asked about it! Trust me, they LOVE hearing those in the taverns. Not that I spend much time in them, of course.

Wishing you a speedy recovery. Light be with you.

Rest easy and get ready for your training with Garrosh! Give the rest of the DPS my regard, also.

–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker, Argent Crusade

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Spirits be wit’ ya, Gurtash! I heard what happened ta everybody’s favorite artist and praise da Loa that ya recovered. 😀

Since you’re on mail duty while your body still be healing, do ya do any haiku or epic verses of your own besides the art?

–Alayea

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Monday mailbag

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We’ve got a bunch of letters to get through this week, and I have a bunch of stuff I need to do today, so let’s get right down to it. And lo and behold, we get to kick things off with everybody’s… um… “favorite” new correspondent of mine…

 

Hail, Warchief!

Okay, consider this to be a sort of test. Of course, my initial shock of your new limitations to these letters was perhaps a little…irrational. It’s just that I have never been confronted with such a shock, not once in all my years! However many of them there are, that is. So allow me to extend my utmost apologies for my over-reaction. Brevity just isn’t a common art form where I live. To be frank, I’m almost strongly advised against it. After all, how do you think we manage to stall our enemies long enough for a little rogue to sneak behind them and twist a knife through their back?

Nonetheless, I have no doubts that this wasn’t a mere act of impatience or annoyance, but as a test against the foes who would inevitably call our bluff and have their OWN rogues sneaking up behind us while we’re speaking. For this, I thank you.

Perhaps you never knew, since I noticed you did not fight the Lich King during his final battle, but I think that the only reason we won was because Arthas was so intent on making us suffer, he just didn’t imagine Highlord Fordring’s faith in the Light to win out! There wasn’t much I could say, what with my being dead. Dark days.

Have any big , bad guys YOU’VE stood against attacked you after 250 words? Or you, them? I must read into this!

Remain faithful, dear Warchief.

–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker, Argent Crusade.

Um. Actually, Sarlin, the reason I…

<rubs forehead>

You know what? Fuck it. Whatever.

Yeah, you caught me. It was all just a lesson I was trying to teach you, making you limit your letters to 250 words or less. Just a big ol’ lesson about… hmm. Let’s see. FOCUS! There we go. Focus and efficiency. See, sometimes, sure, you need to… um… you know, that thing like you said with the rogues and whatever the hell that was… and sometimes you need to be able to focus in on the task at hand and get shit done, like pronto. Like for instance…

Hang on.

<flipping through book>

I know it’s here somewhere.

<flipping more pages>

So by the way, while I’m looking for this — speaking of rogues, have you ever met Garona? Because now that I think of it, that could be pretty damn entertaining if– oh wait wait wait, here we go. Here.

<opens book flat on desk>

Now we’re in business.

So FOR INSTANCE, like say you had a city taken over by those Scourge that you and your Argent buddies worry so much about, and let’s say the city was being run by some dude calling himself a baron — which would be kinda lame seeing as he could pick any title he wanted but settled for something ordinary like “baron” — and he’s holding someone prisoner, somebody’s wife maybe, and in 45 minutes ol’ baron-boy is gonna execute Ysera.

<squints>

Wait.

<leans closer to book>

Make that Ysida. He’s gonna execute Ysida. Man, Mokvar’s handwriting is some kind of spirits-damned awful, I tell you. But yeah, Ysida, not Ysera. Although, wouldn’t it be way cooler if I was right the first time? Doesn’t that sound kind of awesome, if the guy was gonna try to kill this giant green dragon? Now see, THAT would have made him a legit badass bad guy with some street cred.

Anyway, though, point is, say you need to get to your head-honcho baddie, and you’ve got limited time to do it in, you can’t just sit there taking your sweet time talking everything in the place to death, right? No, you want to get in there, kick some ass, take some names, promptly forget the names because who the fuck cares WHO those losers are, they’re dead now so pfft, then get to baron dude and beat him down before he drops the axe.

I mean, at least, YOU want to do that. From what I can tell, Ysida was a human, so as far as I would be concerned, fuck ’er, let ol’ Baron lop her head off for all I care. Good riddance. BUT YOU GET MY POINT.

Meanwhile, since you bring up Tirion back in ICC, I just gotta say… leave it to T-Ford to be frozen in a giant block of ice… and STILL find a way to break into a damn speech. No wonder Arthas was finally like “Fuck this shit, just kill me already, yeesh.”

Moving on.

 

So I don’t ordinarily do this, but this next letter came in the form of an image, and since it’s kind of visual, I’m going to just reproduce it here:

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Okay, so, this is kind of a weird question, but on the other hand, this is obviously just a thinly veiled excuse to spend a little extra time checking out my, ahem, skintone, and I don’t know if I can blame you for taking a good long look in the “artistic” interests of picking your color pallette, because ENJOY THE VIEW, LADIES.

But, now that you mention it, the fact that you’re all interested in Horde edition crayons makes me feel like we’ve got a potential opportunity on our hands, because MERCHANDISING, BITCHES. Hell, there might even be a market for Warchief’s Command Board goodies — I think Spazzle was toying around the idea of trying to make some WCB action figures or something. Although personally I think that was just his way of angling to be immortalized in plastic. Which is really kind of sad, to be honest. Anyway, though, I might have to look into taking advantage of this market, what with, you know, all of a sudden me having a lot more by way of expenses.

So since you brought up the subject, Quelita, here, straight from… um… well, Gurtash’s unattended art supplies, mostly, and some quick printouts, enjoy a possible sampling:

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Well, it’s a draft. Any thoughts on swag you guys might be interested in forking over your hard-earned gold for? It’ll be easier handing it over that way than at axepoint. I KID, I KID. Mostly.

 

Greetings, Warchief Hellscream,

After I recovered from reading your highly entertaining reaction to hearing about my potion, your ally Mogor persuaded me to send this sample of the potion. Although I was rather tempted to see you have another flip-out, I believe that’s the word for it, I decided instead that one good turn deserves another and agreed. I have only tested the effects of its standard strain on ogres, and two-headed ones at that, but at his discretion I modified it so that it can work pairs of heads on separate bodies which are very close in personality. It has been used on some ogre “duos”, you might call them, with fair success. I should warn you that it is still partially in the experimental stage, as I cannot account for the full effects of the potion and have never tried it on orcs. I should, but I don’t expect you would listen, and I can imagine you believe that knocking some sense into that bumbling pair of head-cases, Dontrag and Utvoch, is worth any price.  

Kind Regards,

–Draz’Zilb of the Stonemaul Clan

So first of all, you ever notice how people who are like… super creepy evil are always really polite, even when they’re BEING super creepy evil? Don’t know why that came to mind just now. But keep it in mind the next time you need an airtight response to some jackass who’s trying to say I’M evil, because FUCK THAT GUY, THAT’S WHY.

Anyway.

So, listen, Draz’Zilb… and good to hear from you, by the way, nice to see you’re still up and about and vaguely disturbing and everything… but so, I think I might have some bad news for you.

Short version is, I think you may need to give that potion another draft or two before it’s ready for prime time on non-ogre types.

Longer version is… I got your potion and gave it to Dontrag and Utvoch a little while ago. And it sure as hell kicked in quick on them… and apparently helped stop their two little pea-brains from being so disconnected. Which in THIS case, meant that each one of them all of a sudden had partial control over the other one’s LIMBS. So they spent like an hour and a half yanking each other around and each of them experimenting to see if they could make the other walk into a wall or flap his arms like wings or whatever.

Now, look, I can totally see how this potion effect could be handy for your typical two-headed ogres. I can see how having two brains — even if they’re bargain-basement brains — running one body can be confusing as hell, especially if the two heads don’t always agree on what the body should be doing. I get how doing something to firm up bodily control and coordination could be a good thing. And even trying it out here on the braintrust, it was kind of entertaining for the first 20 minutes or so. But after it got past an hour, it was just starting to get annoying, especially with how it didn’t seem to be getting old at all to THEM.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on that 45-minute period when they both thought “DON’T HIT YOURSELF” was the most hysterical thing in the world after 7000 repetitions.

And you know what, Drazzy? That wasn’t even the worst of it. Because your crazy potion really did do the trick, and put their two brains — or, I mean, the two HALVES of the ONE fucking brain that they split between them — in synch with each other… just not the way you were probably shooting for. Because, see, after a little while, apparently they started being able to hear each other’s thoughts, and communicate telepathically. And I know this because of the three or four dozen times when one of them replied out loud to something the other one was thinking… or when one of them said something out loud to the other one, only the other one didn’t say anything out loud in response, but the first one acted like he got an answer… or, get this, when the two of them spent spirits-know-how-long not realizing that the damn mind-reading thing didn’t apply to fucking EVERYONE, so that when I asked them something, they couldn’t just THINK it at me.

Speaking of which, by the way, there seems to be some evidence that the effects of the potion can be dispelled by a severe beating around the head area. Eventually.

So, back to the drawing board, I’m thinking. Keep up the good work, though. And by “good,” I mean “disturbingly yet usefully evil.”

 

Hello Warchief!

I was happy to see Gurtash is alive and recovering in your recent blog post. Give him my regards and well wishes.

I was curious about a book in the hands of the young shaman Ruekie. “Resto for Dummies” correct? Where can I find a copy? It looks like a book I would be interested in reading myself.  I am a rather new shaman myself and wondering if this is something I want to continue training in or return to my monkish roots. This book may help me decide if this is what I want to do.

Are there other books in the series that would be helpful?

Have you written any books yourself?

Books are wonderful! I enjoy seeing shelves full of them!

Sincerely,

–Misqueu Zephyrpaw, Wandering Isle

Hey, Misqueu, thanks for writing. So before somebody else notices this and decides to be an asshole — because you know someone will — let me point out: yes, this letter from Misqueu did come from the Wandering Isle. Now, when I first noticed that, I’ll admit I had kind of a WTF moment about it, seeing as, last I’d heard, all the pandas on the Wandering Isle had either come to Orgrimmar to join the Horde, or stayed behind to go on living in isolation on the island. Okay, there were also the batch of pandas who went to join the Alliance, but they don’t count because FUCK THEM that’s why. Although they DID get to punch Varian in the face as part of the deal, and, you know, as much as I hate the Alliance, I have to admit that’s a pretty sweet perk. I’d seriously be half tempted to try swinging by Stormwind wearing a panda costume just to see if I could cash in on it myself. Again.

But, after my initial what-the-fuckery, I did a little checking on the matter. Which, by the way, took way longer than I would have figured. My first thought was to ask Ji about it, only it turned out some place down by the Drag was having an all-you-can-eat buffet, and hoo boy, when ol’ Pudge heard “all you can eat,” he didn’t just hear a bargain offer, he heard a fucking CHALLENGE. So, he wasn’t available to field questions.

Luckily, I was able to catch Ben-Lin free. Or, well, I MADE her free. I guess she was technically in the middle of one of her counseling sessions with some shellshocked Wrathgate survivor. I’m not too clear on what his deal was, though, seeing as we didn’t have a whole lot of time to chit chat what with him crapping himself and running out when I busted in and yelled that his time was up. I thought Ben-Lin was gonna get all serious-facey about the interruption, too, but then she realized that now the dude was probably going to be on the hook for a bunch more billable hours down the road. So, win-win for everybody.

Anyhow, Ben cleared up the whole Wandering Isle thing for me. Turns out, even after the initial batch of pandas took off from the Wandering Isle, a bunch of Korga Strongmane’s people stayed behind for a while with the other pandas, and told them a bunch about the goings-on in the rest of the world. I guess even though they wanted to keep to themselves on the island, they were still curious about what else is out there, and so, after a while, what do you know, they managed to get themselves set up with the internet. Which, as we all know, is fucking spectacular when it comes to letting people sit back and observe life without having to get un-hermit-ified and actually becoming part of it.

Although, that also raises the minor question of, you know, HOW THE FUCK do you hook up stable internet access ON A GIANT FUCKING TURTLE? Grizzle Gearslip can’t keep my goddamn wireless connection stable in Domination Point, but someone was able to hook up THE SHELL OF A GIANT TURTLE with net access? For real?

Oh, wait, you know what? I’ll bet you anything there were goblins involved. Because, where there’s a will there’s a way, and where there’s the prospect of monthly internet access fees, there’s ALL KINDS of motherfucking will. Apparently it’s just when they happen to be on MY FUCKING PAYROLL that goblins STILL aren’t able to get technical things to fucking well work. GRIZZLE. Fucking hell.

Okay, so. Was there actually a question up there somewhere? OH THAT’S RIGHT. Books.

No, I haven’t written any books. Well, not unless you count all the thrilling adventures, thoughts, and musings I’ve written here on the blog. THAT should count as a book or two, right? I’m just writing it a little at a time. And…having other people transcribe the dialogue for me. And draw illustrations. IT’S CALLED DELEGATING, OKAY?

I’m not sure about the book you saw Ruekie reading, but it IS part of a series. What’s kind of sad is the fact that a lot of the books are bestsellers, and yet just from looking at the titles, you can tell that they’re STILL pretty badly needed. For instance:

 

  • Tanking for Dummies — Make sure you have the current edition, though, because they completely revise it from top to bottom every few months.
  • Getting Out of the Fire for Dummies — 600,000 copies sold. And yet.
  • Trolling for Dummies — Not sure if this one is about the jackassery you usually see in trade chat, or the ins and outs of life on the Echo Isles. Or how to tell the difference, come to think of it.
  • Earth Online Dollarmaking for Dummies — To be honest, I don’t know if this one is legit, or if it’s like one of those seminars you see advertised on late-night live streams that promise to let you in on some big moneymaking secret and then the secret ends up being to charge naive saps like you a fee to hear about some moneymaking secret. (I’ve never fallen for this, by the way. And there are no living witnesses who will say otherwise.)
  • Blogging for Dummies — Because not everyone is a fucking natural like yours truly.
  • Commanding a Ship Without Wrecking It for Dummies — Guess what Nazgrim is getting from me for Winter Veil every year for the rest of his life?
  • Timewalking for Dummies — I haven’t read a page of this book and if anyone brings a copy near me I swear to fuck I will beat them to death with it. Because fuck time travel.

 

I’m sure there are others, but those are the ones I can think of offhand. I might have to think about putting one of my own together, though. Something to share some of my own unique brand of wisdom, insight, and dead sexy kickassery. Hmm. Stay tuned.

But hey, if you’re a fan of books, Misqueu, I’ll tell you who you should have a sit-down with — Faranell down in the Undercity. I hear tell he’s pretty much read all of them. He can probably recite half of them back to you. Really saves space as far as the shelving goes, I figure. You should swing by and ask him about it, actually. He’s in the Apothecarium. Just go to the Undercity and…like… follow the smell. You can’t miss it. I’m sure he’d be glad to talk about… hmm. Actually, knowing Edwin, he probably WOULDN’T be too thrilled to…eh, you know what? Fuck it. Go drop by anyway. What the hell. It should be good for a laugh or two.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this is all reminding me of a couple things I need to go do, so I’m going to wrap this up and try to get back to the mail ASAP (fuck knows I still have enough of it building up…)

More soon.

 

[BONUS mailbag — the Warchief will be responding to his voluminous mail a second time this month! Garrosh’s next mailbag will be Monday, December 21. As always, send your thoughts to the Warchief using the email link in the right sidebar, or using the form below!]

 

Monday mailbag

mailbag7

Okay, time to dip into the ol’ mailbag. You all know how this works, so here we go…

 

Dear Warchief,

Thank you so much for your generous response. Lyssa was so happy that she got a little frisky, which always makes me happy, you know what I mean. 😉 (She is a cat most of the time, after all.) I sympathize with your frustrations due to expenditures- having been a mother myself once (back when I was still “alive”, though not anymore, may the Goddess curse that human Arthas), I know all about the kinds of bills teens can ring up. (You really do need huge heaping mounds of gold. Like, a dragon’s hoard worth.)

In appreciation, please find enclosed your very own PMS device. It is soft and fluffy and purrs very convincingly, and it may prove a distraction for Shayari as well, if she likes kittens. (Especially if it is wearing a bow or ribbons.)

PMS? That stands for Personal Mylune Survival device. Why? What did you think it meant?

In any event, having been told that the idiot human Varian sometimes reads these letters and your responses, I have a message for him.

Varian- Fuck you! You are a moron- when a ten-thousand year old-plus matriarch (that means ruler) of an entire race of people (two, if you count my ancestors) nods and asks you to tell her what to do, she is NOT SERIOUS, she is MOCKING YOU. Do you really think that you have seen more combat, acquired more experience, discovered more tactics, and learned more strategy than her in all her years? She even only tolerates Malfurion (on the rare occasions when he stops napping) because his furry bear feet keep her toes warm- she has plenty of other options in a nation where the men usually and regularly go into comas for centuries.

From TWO Elven nations: FUCK YOU, VARIAN! (Also, I think Mylune would be a perfect wife for you. Or maybe Magatha.)

(Apologies to you, Dear Warchief, I’ll try to keep it shorter next time, if there is one)

–Sintra E’Drien (and her mate Lyssa Nightblossom)

ps. Thalassian Brandy tastes very good. 😉

Hey again, Sintra. Okay, so you know what? There were a bunch of things in this letter that I was going to respond to, but they all kind of got lost in this big blur of FUCK YOU, VARIAN. Especially the part about Tyrande Who’s-Her-Whisper actually mocking ol’ King Ponytail when he thinks he’s being all badass and shit. And the part about him being a moron. And the part about him getting paired off with Mylune. Mind you, if miracles of entertainment happened and Varian DID get himself hitched to Mylune, we’d have to make sure that nobody hooked him up with one of those PMS devices, because we can’t rob ourselves of the hilarity by letting Varian distract her with something small and furry. Plus, trust me, I’ve met Varian — dude has enough PMS all by himself, without anybody sending him the anti-Mylune device.

Although, this does occur to me, there might be a market in developing a line of anti-whoever gear. Like the Mylune one is a no-brainer — make something small and furry that makes cutesy purring noises, then when you see Mylune, toss it one direction and get your ass moving in another. Golden. But you could totally market a bunch of these. Like you could build an anti-Tirion device that’s like a mannequin with a face that looks all interested, that plays a recording of someone going “Tell me more! I want to hear all about it!” Or you could do an anti-Velen device that’s just a big sign that says “Burning Legion invading — planetary exit this way!” Or you could do an anti-Magatha device that basically consists of Gorehowl chopping her into little tiny pieces because fuck her.

Obviously, I’m just spitballing here.

Oh, and also: agreed on the Thalassian Brandy.

 

Greetings, Warchief, and Light’s blessing to you!

As that last letter caused quite a stir, what with a possible war on my hands, as well as having to use an ink substitute (it’s scorpion poison, so don’t lick it!) I’m afraid that I cannot convey quite as much information onto you as I would like. But, as literal a lady as I may be, I have picked up the hints and I have no doubt that this is exceptionally great news to you! Nonetheless, I still have time to explain the situation before I begin.

I have my ways and means regarding paper, the first being the nearby logging camp. Did you know that place was infested with spiders quite a bit, recently? Now, I am a woman of few fears, and I am hesitant to say that spiders are among those few fears. They just have too many legs. The natives of Azeroth have proven that only two is necessary! Not to mention they have no real function other than devour more threatening prey, but even so, that’s disgusting and they are as good as abberations to me. Nonetheless, the spiders have been vanquished and our lumber is safe again! Not that it never was, of course. I simply no longer fear strolling down and requesting more wood for paper! Since the Kal’dorei have no authorities over the wood in the Western Plaguelands, I think I shouldn’t have to worry too much about a war. As a precaution, I asked both my lovely Anaria Moonseeker and Miss L’Rayne why the forests were so sacred to them. They both laughed and I never really got my answer. Of course, we were all after a few cups at the time, so I might try approaching them again when we’re sober. Nothing against my fellow Crusader or my sweet lady, not to mention the woman who raised me, but Night Elves are a peculiar people. Mind you, if they started ravaging Eversong Woods, I’d be miffed. I also am aware that this may draw the Night Elves’ attention back to yourself, but I’m sure you have the means to deal with it. After all, there are several Horde leaders but only one Warchief!

As for the scorpion poison, well, there are ways of compressing that to make it more visible on paper. It’s the same colour as the ink that I used before, thanks to a solution Anaria prepared, but it can still be toxic if you were to eat it. Since I’ve used it quite finely, you may simply experience some disorientation or sickness, but I don’t see that that being a problem, unless you eat paper. I just thought I’d let you in on that, in case you DID eat paper. Who am I to judge the Warchief’s culinary preferences? This piece of paper would be better off being tucked away and not eaten. I still have a fine stock of that scorpion poison, so now it’s only a matter of keeping the lumber mill going! I thought that this would be sufficient as a substitute for the ink that is slowly becoming less obtainable. I hope that the lovely young shaman Rue’kara can get her stationaries back soon! How unfortunate that her own letters are limited to such a pulp. She probably has so much to say, poor child. Anyhow! That’s that, and all problems solved!

It would seem a certain metal-beared goblin had quite a bit to say regarding my letters to you, sir. I, for one, am irate, but the ways of the Light have taught me that anger and resentment will only lead to a manifestation of regret and ever-building hatred, so I will bury the hatchet for now and try not to reference said goblin while the Light grants me the strength to repress such hatred. While this anger is still surging mightily, I have to agree on one point that he made; I haven’t really been of much help, have I?

Well, even though I was not present, I know of your visits to Hearthglen through the town chatter, even though I was oblivious of the events that were taking place. See, I was travelling at the time, which I tend to do every few months or so, and when I came back, I did notice a sort of difference. A kind of hush, as though I’d just arrived after a tragic event had taken place. I felt inclined to ask the Highlord, and I did, but even he was at a loss for words, and that is truly saying something. I mean, really. Time travel is…something I am somewhat familiar with. That being said, I know of a bronze dragon, although the identity is to be kept secret for her sake. I haven’t actually travelled backwards through time, nor forwards, but I visited the Caverns of Time, and I saw some of the rifts here and there pulling and tugging, as though the place felt a turn when I entered it. Somehow, I feel slightly connected to it. It’s a sensation that I cannot describe well, but there’s a familiarity about it that I am trying to make sense of, as though I’d been there before. Maybe an alternate me? Wow, I wonder what she does for a living. My bronze friend gave me a little information on how time works, and how she’s travelled on it previously, but as you may have learned, bronze dragons are as cryptic as any old soothsayer or rambling prophet, (which is extremely annoying since they might actually have ANSWERS for us, whereas prophets just ramble on and on and on…) and since I can’t get any answers from her regarding that particular feeling, I have dropped the matter entirely and haven’t been there since. Still, I’ve never stopped wondering…

While this is irrelevant to what you and this doctor Faranell you mentioned had to experience, I simply want to extend a warning, given everything I have learned thus far through my readings of history. The Old Gods corrupted one Aspect, Deathwing, but he was not the only one that was used to their advantage. The Old Gods want nothing more than to see our world in endless agony, and so they invaded Nozdormu’s realm and succeeded in opening a rift in time, so that they could alter the events of the War of the Ancients and give the dark lord, Sargeras, a fresh attempt to enter the world. If not for the efforts of Malfurion Stormrage, these cursed entities would have succeeded, and Azeroth would have been lost to madness. The Bronze Dragonflight are a mighty race, sir, but we all have our weaknesses, even Nozdormu himself. Had he suspected such a travesty, he surely would have prevented it.

We know that there are multiple timelines out there, and we know that, without the assistance of the Bronze Dragonflight, the events of the entwined timeways wouldn’t have been resolved. Be wary, good sir. You must place your trust in those you know can be trusted, and no-one else. If the Bronze Dragonflight fell to the same corruption as Neltharion, our world would be undone as you know it. After all, Algalon had already decided that it wasn’t worth saving. Let us prove him wrong. Let us protect Azeroth as best we can.

With regards to being of any use to you, I’d merely have you know that I do not plan on leaving Hearthglen for quite some time, so should you decide to make a visit in the meantime, know that I shall stand at your service and grant you the hospitality which you seek. It’s the least I can do. Thank you for your time.

P.S Did you really get a Zandaliri troll to perform a lapdance for you? How much did it cost?

Go in peace, good sir.

–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker, Argent Crusade

Hoo boy. Here we go.

Hello again, Sarlin. Nice to…hear from you. Again.

As that last letter caused quite a stir,

As in, people stirring up poisonous drinks to kill themselves with.

what with a possible war on my hands,

Well, you know, the many, many trees you’ve wiped out to make paper were only going to take so much.

as well as having to use an ink substitute (it’s scorpion poison, so don’t lick it!)

I really wonder what you think I do with my time that you felt this warning was necessary.

I’m afraid that I cannot convey quite as much information onto you as I would like.

Oh thank the spirits. Maybe we’ll manage to be in and out of here in less than a month.

Nonetheless, I still have time to explain the situation before I begin.

Well, so much for that idea. Here we go, kids. Grab a drink, and maybe a snack, and maybe the next two or three days’ meals, and strap in.

Did you know that place was infested with spiders quite a bit, recently? Now, I am a woman of few fears, and I am hesitant to say that spiders are among those few fears. They just have too many legs. The natives of Azeroth have proven that only two is necessary!

Dude, I fucking hate spiders. They’re all gross and crawly and, like you said, they have way more legs than any self-respecting person should ever have, and let’s not even get started on the eyes. I fucking hate things with creepy extra eyes. Plus there was that time up in Stonetalon when the head troll dude in Malaka’jin told me there was some Queen Silith who wanted to meet with me, only GUESS WHAT, turns out she was this GIANT FUCKING SPIDER. LONG LIVE THE FUCKING QUEEN. Except for the part where I killed her.

As a precaution, I asked both my lovely Anaria Moonseeker and Miss L’Rayne why the forests were so sacred to them. They both laughed and I never really got my answer.

It’s the glitter. Night elves love them some glitter, and the trees in their forests leak the stuff like sap. Someday I want to find out just what the fuck is the deal with that, like what kind of trees ooze fucking GLITTER out of their bark, and why they only seem to grow around nigh elves.

I mean, I’m pretty sure Thalassian Brandy would like to know. She could have a personal supply of the stuff right there on hand.

As for the scorpion poison, well, there are ways of compressing that to make it more visible on paper. It’s the same colour as the ink that I used before, thanks to a solution Anaria prepared, but it can still be toxic if you were to eat it. Since I’ve used it quite finely, you may simply experience some disorientation or sickness, but I don’t see that that being a problem, unless you eat paper.

Wait… disorientation? You mean to say you can be HIGH on this shit? No wonder there are always so many trolls always hanging around the inscription place in the Drag.

I hope that the lovely young shaman Rue’kara can get her stationaries back soon! How unfortunate that her own letters are limited to such a pulp. She probably has so much to say, poor child.

Yeah, you know what? I think you’ve got the “so much to say” pretty well covered. Let’s not drag Ruekie into this.

It would seem a certain metal-beared goblin had quite a bit to say

Hi, pot. This is Sarlin. You’re black.

I, for one, am irate, but the ways of the Light have taught me that anger and resentment will only lead to a manifestation of regret and ever-building hatred,

The next time you two chat, could you ask the Light what the fuck it’s talking about?

I have to agree on one point that he made; I haven’t really been of much help, have I?

Oh geez, why do I get the feeling she’s about to start Dontragging? Like, even more?

I was travelling at the time, which I tend to do every few months or so, and when I came back, I did notice a sort of difference. A kind of hush, as though I’d just arrived after a tragic event had taken place. I felt inclined to ask the Highlord, and I did, but even he was at a loss for words, and that is truly saying something. I mean, really.

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES, SHOCKING NEWS WITH AN IRONIC LOOK-WHO’S-TALKING CHASER

I haven’t actually travelled backwards through time, nor forwards, but I visited the Caverns of Time, and I saw some of the rifts here and there pulling and tugging, as though the place felt a turn when I entered it. Somehow, I feel slightly connected to it. It’s a sensation that I cannot describe well, but there’s a familiarity about it that I am trying to make sense of, as though I’d been there before. Maybe an alternate me? Wow, I wonder what she does for a living.

I’ll bet you anything she’s not a mime.

We know that there are multiple timelines out there, and we know that, without the assistance of the Bronze Dragonflight, the events of the entwined timeways wouldn’t have been resolved. Be wary, good sir.

Dude, are you seriously giving ME a speech on not getting mixed up in timeline fuck-uppery? Hey, I’ve got an idea, how about I get Faranell in here and you can give him a whole speech about making sure he doesn’t get himself unstuck in time for like a zillion years. Earth Online says hello:

wonka

With regards to being of any use to you, I’d merely have you know that I do not plan on leaving Hearthglen for quite some time,

Well at least I know where not to go for the next month or two.

Thank you for your time.

Well you fucking well burned up enough of it.

Speaking of which. When you write back — BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WILL — you are officially getting the modified Twitter treatment. Are you reading carefully? Go grab some of your not-for-snack-time paper and scorpion ink, and write this down: YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON A 250-WORD LIMIT FOR ALL FUTURE LETTERS. Or, what the hell, if you want to go OVER 250 words, whatever, knock yourself out, but I am going to STOP READING at word #250. Are we clear on this? Are we good? Okay? Good.

Fucking hell. I don’t get paid enough for this job. I really don’t.

 

Most Honored Warchief,

Greetings once again Warchief Hellscream. I come bearing ill tidings from Towlong Steppes. I was out leading some of your Horde adventurers through and giving them a Lay of the land while on the way for clean up duty on the Isle of Thunder. Along the way, we passed by a giant eel, G’nathus. The undead warrior and orc shaman decided that it might be a bit of fun to go and test themselves against such a creature. I agreed, if only to keep them alive against such a beast. At first, it seemed to go very well. The warrior took electrocution like nothing I had ever seen before! Then a squid came from nowhere and decided to see if my totems were filled with beer (they’re keg-shaped, you see)! That sadly broke all my concentration and we were forced to flee, but not without some injuries. The poor shaman was smacked around, almost worse than the warrior! Thank the Celestials for ahnks, by the way!

Before this old man babbles for too much longer, I must regretfully inform you that the Shado-Pan has decided to bill the Horde for the loss of precious reagents and my totems. Not that I require the financial compensation, but Lord Zhu insists! Really! He started going on about the outsiders bringing ruin to our land again. It is a very…tiring speech.

Regretfully yours,

–Shen Wei Pureblossom

You do not get to talk about “tiring speeches” immediately after Sarlin’s letter.

That said… Hang on, you mean I’m getting stuck with ANOTHER bill? Is this how things work for that panda-Tirion Zhu guy? Something happens that you don’t like, so you ring up an itemized list to send along to whoever you can? Not to mention, I just finished LOOKING OVER the aforementioned itemized list, and are you fucking KIDDING me? What are your totems fucking MADE of, diamonds?! I thought they were listing the price in coppers when I saw that shit. What the fuck is the exchange rate down there? Does 500 gold mean something different to you people than it does up here? Did you fucking switch to the metric system or some shit? WTF?!

And let’s not even get STARTED on the reagents! I’m going over this list, and there is LITERALLY nothing on here that I can’t walk over to the Valley of Wisdom and buy for pocket change. DON’T BELIEVE ME, COME ON BY. DISCOUNT ANKHS ON ME.

Actually.

Hang on.

It just occurred to me — if this invoice of yours even REMOTELY resembles the actual prices of reagents down there in Pandaria, and it’s not just Zhu’s-his-face gouging me with like an 8000% markup, this might be an opportunity to put a dent in the ol’ Shayari-induced cash flow problem. Because if I can buy this shit HERE for like 20 silver a pop, then bring it on down to Pandaria and sell it to you pandas for a hundred times that, and STILL be way below Scarf Boy’s asking price… Hmm…

Spirits help me, I’m starting to think like a goblin. CONGRATULATIONS, UNIVERSE, YOU WIN AGAIN.

Meanwhile… you mean to say, you were going about your business, and a fucking SQUID came swimming over just to try to dip into your keg totems? What kind of a fucking dumbass squid is that? Is it some kind of Dontrag squid? Because that seems like something he would do. Or Utvoch. Whichever one of them it is. Maybe the other one was the eel or something. Eelvoch, maybe. Ellvoch and Dontrag-the-Squid. Why the fuck not. Seems to match up brainpower-wise.

 

Hey, Garry.

I’m Valinora. Don’t ask any questions. I’m here for one thing and one thing only; EPIC VERSE.

I had a scroll through the mailbags and I saw a little introduction suggested by one of your readers. Hope you don’t mind if I do the same. By the way, you OWNED Varian. I dare you to go up against Thrall next time. Hate that guy. He didn’t steal anybody’s bacon, he stole all their pigs, forced them to make the bacon and then claimed to have made it himself. Ugh.

Anyway. A topic that I’m sure you’ll have no hesitation with, given your…knowledge of felweed.

“By now, he had one joint too many,”

Go!

–Valinora “Lightshorn”, Stormwind City.

Oh, hey, check it — somebody who gets right to the point. It’s like you’re the anti-Sarlin or something. First off, though:

notgarry2

Now granted, you didn’t exactly endear yourself to me with the Garry thing (and I mean, seriously, people, isn’t it getting old at this point? Even the basic campfire joke fizzled out faster than this) (Get it? Campfire? Fizzled out? BA DUM BUM), and plus there’s the small matter that you appear to be HUMAN. On the other hand, you DID get to the point of your letter before wiping out enough trees to render hundreds of poor disadvantaged night elf strippers glitterless, and then you topped that off by having the good sense to know a good ol’ EPIC VERSE thrashing of King Vajayjay when you see it. Additional kudos for getting a good jab in at Thrall, because man oh man has HE been on a one-way trip to Insufferable City. Dude might as well take his vainglorious ass over to the vaingloryhole and fucking blow himself there, at the rate he’s going.

Anyway, you got to the point, you delivered a good burn on EACH side of the faction divide, and what the hell, I’m not one to pass up a chance to lay down a little EPIC VERSE. So here we go. YOU ASK, GARROSH DELIVERS.

By now, he had one joint too many.
(Point of fact, he’d gone over by twenty.)
Came down with giggle fits,
Would have lost all his wits,
If to start with he’d even had any.

In his stupor he thought he’d go swimming,
With a head that with felweed was brimming;
So he and his buddy —
Whose mind, too, was muddy —
Jumped in while their dimwits were dimming.

So in their felweed-fueled delusion,
They swam off to sea in seclusion;
They went round and round,
And when they were found,
They managed to cause more confusion:

I don’t know how much felweed they did,
But one moron thought he was a squid,
While his buddy, with zeal,
Thought that he was an eel,
While around in the waters they slid.

So when they encountered bystanders,
They thought that they’d caught a gander
Of a beer-party kegger,
So up like a beggar,
The stupid squid chose to meander.

He made a big mess seeking brew,
Now I’m stuck with the bill for those two.
I’m pissed off, but whatever —
You know you can’t ever
Spell “dumbass” without D and U.

You asked for some rhymes, so I wrote ’em,
About morons who smashed up some totems.
They’re going to need hearses —
At least some good nurses,
’Cause they’re gonna get stabbed in their scrotums.

EPIC VERSE!

 

Okay, that’s going to do it for this time. As always, keep those letters coming!

 

[Next mailbag December 7! E-mail the Warchief using the link at the top of the right sidebar, or use the handy form below:]

 

Monday mailbag

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Okay, people, seems like Shay’s guest mailbag from last time went over pretty well, so who knows, maybe I’ll do that again every so often. Not even with Shay, necessarily, because i don’t know how keen she would be to do those on a regular basis — as it is, I had to offer her a shopping trip in Silvermoon to get her to do that one, and there’s no fucking WAY I can afford to keep slinging those around on a monthly basis or whatever. But maybe every so often I can rope someone else into doing one, if you people have anyone else you might have questions for.

More importantly for right now, though, you’ve got the main event back, so let’s see what you peeps have on your minds this time around.

 

Dear Warchief,

In my attempt to offer what seemed to me to be good advice to your beautiful and talented daughter, I believe I have offended her (and possibly you).

This troubles me, and I wish to offer to meet at your convenience to offer my personal apologies. (Lyssa doesn’t want me to go, but I think it the only proper thing to do.)

If there is any other service I may perform for you, please let me know, and until we meet, I remain your faithful follower,

–Sintra E’Drien of the Horde

Evidently, what you people have on your minds is how you can be even more exhausting than usual.

And I mean… you know what? This is just a textbook example. Because, look, Sintra, I know you mean well here, and you think you’re doing the right thing, and you’re trying to be nice, and all kinds of good crap like that, but just… fuck, you people are just so fucking high maintenance. Let’s just… look, apology accepted, okay? We’re all good. Well, I’m good. You want to take it up with Shay, go nuts, but don’t feel like you have to update me every step of the way. And if she looks at you funny or says something that makes you think she maybe had a TONE, just… just roll with it, okay? Don’t feel like you need to file a petition with the local notary public to declare every third Tuesday after a harvest moon factional What Can I Do To Make It Up To You Shayari Day.

For fuck’s sake, dude, it just never fucking ends.

And speaking of things that never end…

 

Anar’alah! Greetings yet again, most noble Warchief of the Horde!

Many thanks for the response! I was most gratified to receive an opportunity to contact your daughter directly! Although, given her response, (and yours, now I come to think of it) I’m not sure she’s too anxious to go on that “friend-date” you mentioned, anytime soon. I wonder what the problem could be. Although it is wonderful to see that she’s settling in rather well. I have to admit, I hadn’t expected that. Somehow, I always saw Nagrand as one of the most luxurious and leisurely places that could ever be. But I guess that when you’re poor, you see things differently. Orgrimmar may not be the prettiest place in the world, but I’m probably correct in saying that Shay has more now than she once did, with her father being the Warchief and all. So, for now, that’s certainly enough.

As for your own response, I am not related to Tirion or this Grottee Metalbeard fellow. Whatever made you suggest such a thing!? Perhaps I should remind you that I am an elf and Tirion is a human. And no, I am not HALF an elf. I’ve looked it all up, and I can’t possibly have fel-tainted eyes with two pupils, one green and one slightly lighter green, long ears and eyebrows, a slim and elf-like figure and the ability to produce arcane magic without being taught if I was half-elf. So, I am not related to Highlord Fordring in any way. I think. As for Grottee Metalbeard, I don’t know who that is! It sounds very gnomish. Or goblin? One or the other, anyway. Nobody else could possibly have “Metalbeard” as a last name without being a gnome or a goblin. And, seriously, I may be slightly shorter than the average height of a Blood Elf, but if you’re suggesting that I’m related to one of THOSE things…oh, no! Oh, and if Grottee’s reading this, don’t take it the wrong way. I just don’t like gnomes or goblins. And if you’re one of those delivery guy goblins, no, I’m NOT fucking tipping you! And while we’re also on the topic, “hooked up and gave birth to this letter”? That sentence, I must say, really put a horrifying image into my head. I mean, even worse than the Thalassian Brandy strutting through Hearthglen provocatively image. Because at least she’s GOOD LOOKING, you know!? And wow, is she good looking. I mean, sometimes I still ask myself if it was a dream. It probably was. Ha, good luck hoping, Sarlin. But Tirion Fordring and a GNOME? Or a goblin or WHATEVER. I would respectfully request that, in future, you refrain from planting such a horrific image in my head again. I still haven’t a clue as to how you got the idea that we were related.

Now. I feel good that that’s off my chest.

Yes, Twitter’s character limit has been a burden for quite some time now. It’s hard to elaborate and emphasize the more important things, such as the war efforts, gnoll necromancers, magi with weird hats, stupid mages who think it’s okay to polymorph random strangers whenever they want (that was no reference to Shayari, by the way!) and Light only knows what else with that limit in the way. I thought there would be a way to break it. Click the button with -284 characters and hope it would send. Impossible. It seems we live in a world where the only way forward is brevity. How unfortunate, would you not agree?

Shayari also told me that she occasionally ports back and forth to the Undercity for mage training. Which, I mean, I’m not concerned about THAT or anything, but do you really think it’s a good idea to get her so close to the Banshee Queen? I mean, I don’t know if I’d made it at all obvious but I don’t trust that woman! I mean, hey, at least I didn’t just say “No, I don’t LIKE her, therefore nobody else will!” Besides, who actually DOES like Sylvanas? I just wonder if she’d be, you know, in a stable enviroment if she was practicing how to conjure a mana cake table and Sylvanas decided to walk in and freak out because look, it’s a Draenei. I mean, she’s already made it pretty obvious taht she doesn’t like YOU. Sylvanas, I mean. Just something for you to ponder on. Oh, and if you’re wondering, no, I haven’t had any real personal meetings with Sylvanas. There was one when I was pretty young, before I joined the Argent Dawn, but that was myself and a few other young soldiers. She just yelled at us for not killing enough humans. I got off lightly, I hadn’t killed one. Nonetheless, I worry. We had enough mayhem with the Lich King. And if my sources tell me correctly, you see little difference between her and the Lich King. I trust you to make the right decision with regards to the subject.

Oh, and before I finish up, I just have to point out that I noticed a certain Pandaren named Ben-Lin Cloudstrider is hosting anger management classes! I didn’t know that you were thinking about adopting! To be honest, I couldn’t even imagine you wanting to have children! Although I’m likely right in assuming that when Shayari finally came into your life, you realized just how much you were missing. Being a father must be the most wonderful feeling in all worlds, wouldn’t you agree? It’s a shame that you lost seventeen years of poor Shay’s life, but you can make up for that now. Are you planning on adopting a baby? Wouldn’t it be just fine, to raise a child from before they’re even a year old! Quite frankly, my girlfriend and I have had thoughts of adopting, ourselves. We just want to travel a little bit more before we do so. And we’re still trying to work out which, uh, race to adopt. I was thinking maybe a High Elf, since they’re respected by the Kal’dorei (my girlfriend’s a Night Elf) and I’m quite fond of little High Elves, too. But that’s aside the point. Are you adopting a little orc or a little troll? Maybe even a little Blood Elf? Ha, I jest. They’re truly insufferable as children.

Back to the anger management class. Is Ben-Lin still doing those? Not that I have a HUGE anger problem, only sometimes I can be irrationally irate when the sounds of birds and flapping wings and even trickling water or the wind rustling grass or twigs, just the happy old noises, decide to all sound on what is known as “the morning after the night before”. Which often includes a LOT of alcohol. Mostly mead, although I do have a Gilnean friend who supplies me with brandy occasionally. It’s rather a strong beverage, I must say. Still, it’s fine for any occasion where you just want to get pissed out of your brains. But anyway! Yes, the only downside to consuming so much alcohol is the “morning after the night before” effect which is a bi-daily event where every aspect of nature comes together and floats around my sore head shrieking with voices like nails across a shield. I mean, I don’t mind birds, but when they annoy me like that, they just HAVE to fucking die, you know what I mean? And that’s the benefit of having a bow. You don’t have to throw your sword and hope it doesn’t miss. I have to say, it’s a pretty great release of anger. You know that rage that simply cannot be repressed? Birds always seem to know when I experience it, because they glide well into firing range when I do. Keep hush on this, but once, I was aiming for an annoying bird and shot it in the wing, only to find it was actually a troll in bird form. There’s a little Cenarian Circle camp nearby, so I guessed he was from that. Don’t worry, he made it, and I don’t think he saw me either! So anyway, I’ve had to clean up bird corpses a lot recently, only I haven’t been great at cleaning up the evidence, so there’s a small pile of dead birds behind Mardenholde Keep. With some incinerated kittens, also. And even some penguins that appear to have their skulls bashed in. I guess this is soon going to be the place where people drag the corpses of dead animals that end up falling to the blade of hangovers. And look, don’t worry about sponsors. I can always get my girlfriend to sponsor me. Or Daria L’Rayne, if she’s willing. Oh, and if you’re a little concerned about Daria, regarding my letter to Shayari, don’t worry. She doesn’t have anger issues, she just gets a bit irratable, but only during the days she’s on duty. I guess being advisor is pretty stressful. Anyhow, if I was to drag her along, rest assured, she’d be totally sober. Maybe. I mean, is alcohol allowed at these places? If so, well, I could always bring along some ale or something.

And hey, even if I can’t take part in the session, can you PLEASE just all have another one anyway!? Like, seriously!  Do you have any fucking idea how FUNNY that was!? I mean, look, I always knew that Tirion drank quite a bit but I never actually could make sense of those corpses until I read that! Although I was a little disheartened when I went to tell everybody and they all already knew. I was like “Where the fuck was I for the last however long this has been going on for”? And oh my LIGHT, what is Mylune’s problem! I thought she loved animals! I mean, I haven’t met her many times but she does seem quite…uh, cuddly? I mean, I like hugs but gee, I think I like breathing more. Oh, heh, and I mentioned Lor’Themar to Shay, too. Tell me, was his hair perfect that day, too? Huh. He always did seem pretty calm to me. Just prissy as fuck, you know?

And also, if I might recommend it, maybe host the next one in that big gladiator’s or trial’s ring you got going on in Orgrimmar? You know, just so anybody who wants to come by for the giggles can do so. Look, I’ll stop with this suggesting nonsense and outright say that I WILL PAY YOU to do another. Even though you’re probably rich out now what with being Warchief and all. Still. I mean, if it helps, I’ll send over 10,000 gold and it might even feed a village of hungry peons, or maybe be enough to invent an elixir that will give them a brain.

I seem to have covered everything I’ve been wishing to bring up with you. I do hope that you don’t find any of this to be too demanding. I expect you have other issues to deal with besides the worries of a young Paladin, such as very incriminating photoes of dancing trolls or something. As opposed to “not so incriminating photoes”. Or “just slightly incriminating photoes”. The fel was up with THAT guy?

Oh, I did have a question! But fear not, I will be brief. What the fuck is up with Bob? Who even IS that guy? And what is his fucking PROBLEM!? Gee, I mean, it’s pretty obvious he’s a troll and all (in EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD EVER) but whoa! I mean, c’mon. It’s not the just the harsh, real fact that he’s an asshole, but the more harrowing fact that he lacks a brain. The fuck. I mean, everybody KNOWS that the Lich King’s horse is “Invincible”. Invincible and INVISIBLE are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS! ARE YOU READING THIS, BOB!? YOU MIGHT LEARN A THING OR TWO! GRR, YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

Anyhow, I digress. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must replace this inkwell with a slightly larger one, since it only holds maybe just over half of the ink that I require to send out not just mailbag letters to the Horde’s Warchief, but also to stay in close contact with other friends and possibly relatives around Azeroth and Outland! It’s just rather a pain to refill it constantly.

Light’s blessing to you, noble Warchief of the Horde.

–Sarlinia-Grace Starstriker

I mean.

I literally don’t know how she does it. All I know is that by the time this last letter from Sarlin reached me, it had a petition attached to it, signed by nine ink vendors from all around Azeroth, asking me to declare a state of emergency due to the looming ink shortage.

But… okay… hello again, Sarlin. I see you still… have a lot on your mind. Again. So, um…

Okay, you know what? Let me just try to cover as much of this as I can, so she’ll at least have less ammunition for the NEXT time. Here goes.

Many thanks for the response! I was most gratified to receive an opportunity to contact your daughter directly! Although, given her response, (and yours, now I come to think of it) I’m not sure she’s too anxious to go on that “friend-date” you mentioned, anytime soon. I wonder what the problem could be.

Well, don’t let me speak for Shay, but it might have something to do with her irrational fear of having all the oxygen around her soaked up by a gaping vacuum of words words words, then suffocating helplessly, unable to cry out for help, because there are no words fucking left.

Orgrimmar may not be the prettiest place in the world, but I’m probably correct in saying that Shay has more now than she once did, with her father being the Warchief and all. So, for now, that’s certainly enough.

Apparently she had to leave most of her stuff behind when she left Dalaran. So…she actually doesn’t have more than she ever did, I don’t think, but…she’s working on it. I mean working HARD. Like really, REALLY hard. Let me put this in context for you: one of the perks of being Warchief is an unlimited credit account. Last week I got a notice from the goblin credit bureau that I was approaching my limit. Apparently, to teenage girls, infinity isn’t an abstraction — it’s a challenge.

As for your own response, I am not related to Tirion or this Grottee Metalbeard fellow. Whatever made you suggest such a thing!?

What indeed, Garrosh thought, realizing he wasn’t even 10% of the way into this letter yet.

Perhaps I should remind you that I am an elf and Tirion is a human. And no, I am not HALF an elf. I’ve looked it all up, and I can’t possibly have fel-tainted eyes with two pupils, one green and one slightly lighter green, long ears and eyebrows, a slim and elf-like figure and the ability to produce arcane magic without being taught if I was half-elf. So, I am not related to Highlord Fordring in any way. I think.

Oh no, you are related to him. Maybe not by blood, but you’re related.

You may not be kin, but you’re sure as hell kindred.

As for Grottee Metalbeard, I don’t know who that is! It sounds very gnomish. Or goblin? One or the other, anyway. Nobody else could possibly have “Metalbeard” as a last name without being a gnome or a goblin. And, seriously, I may be slightly shorter than the average height of a Blood Elf, but if you’re suggesting that I’m related to one of THOSE things…oh, no!

You’re a very literal person, Sarlin, anyone ever tell you that?

Also, just FYI, I’d lay even odds that Spazzle is tracking back your IP address as we speak. So if you’ve never loaded had your inbox flooded from porn mailing lists focusing on the lurid antics of THOSE THINGS… well, you’re probably about to.

Oh, and if Grottee’s reading this, don’t take it the wrong way. I just don’t like gnomes or goblins.

I don’t see how he could possibly take that the wrong way.

And while we’re also on the topic, “hooked up and gave birth to this letter”? That sentence, I must say, really put a horrifying image into my head. I mean, even worse than the Thalassian Brandy strutting through Hearthglen provocatively image. Because at least she’s GOOD LOOKING, you know!? And wow, is she good looking. I mean, sometimes I still ask myself if it was a dream. It probably was. Ha, good luck hoping, Sarlin. But Tirion Fordring and a GNOME? Or a goblin or WHATEVER. I would respectfully request that, in future, you refrain from planting such a horrific image in my head again.

You know what? You really started to save it. You looked like you were going to pull it back for a minute there, but then, nope, veered right on back to Tirion.

And for those of you wondering what she’s talking about with the whole Thalassian Brandy thing — OTHER THAN THE OBVIOUS — here, I refer you to a related question that Sarlin asked me on Ask.fm a good long while back. (I may dig up a few of my more memorable questions from that site to toss up here one of these days, too…)

Yes, Twitter’s character limit has been a burden for quite some time now. It’s hard to elaborate and emphasize the more important things, such as the war efforts,

The war effort goes well so far, despite occasional tactical setbacks. The Alliance has bought itself time, but their end is inevitable. FYV (140 characters)

gnoll necromancers,

Whoa, when the hell did gnolls learn how to be necromancers? Couldn’t Kel’Thuzard have left well enough alone? (110 characters)

magi with weird hats,

Yo, Mok, check out the stupid hat on that mage. Wait, what? Whose mother-in-law? Damn, sorry, dude. (99 characters)

stupid mages who think it’s okay to polymorph random strangers whenever they want (that was no reference to Shayari, by the way!)

I’m sure it wasn’t a reference to Faranell either, right? Methinks she dost protest too much. (93 characters)

and Light only knows what else with that limit in the way. I thought there would be a way to break it. Click the button with -284 characters and hope it would send. Impossible. It seems we live in a world where the only way forward is brevity. How unfortunate, would you not agree?

Yeah, I think you’re hitting pay dirt there, Sarls. Don’t know how we’re gonna get by. (86 characters)

Shayari also told me that she occasionally ports back and forth to the Undercity for mage training. Which, I mean, I’m not concerned about THAT or anything, but do you really think it’s a good idea to get her so close to the Banshee Queen? I mean, I don’t know if I’d made it at all obvious but I don’t trust that woman!

I don’t trust Sylvanas so much as I trust Shay’s right hook. I’d refer you to Faranell if you have any reservations about that one.

I mean, hey, at least I didn’t just say “No, I don’t LIKE her, therefore nobody else will!” Besides, who actually DOES like Sylvanas?

To be fair, I’m not necessarily the guy who should be coming down on someone for a poor showing in popularity contests.

Oh, and if you’re wondering, no, I haven’t had any real personal meetings with Sylvanas. There was one when I was pretty young, before I joined the Argent Dawn, but that was myself and a few other young soldiers. She just yelled at us for not killing enough humans.

See, right there. You just made me like Sylvanas. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY DEAD HUMANS. Way to undercut your own point like two sentences later, Sarls. At this rate, you still have time to undercut at least six or seven thousand more assertions before this letter is over.

Oh, and before I finish up, I just have to point out that I noticed a certain Pandaren named Ben-Lin Cloudstrider is hosting anger management classes!

Well, Ben-Lin mostly counsels people one-on-one these days. She tried to hold a group session, but the class…didn’t go so great. At least according to most people, Ben included. Faranell, for some reason, still goes on about how awesome it was, but who knows what that guy’s thinking most days. Anyway, I can’t say for sure that Ben’s stopped the classes altogether, but I only ever went to that one.

I didn’t know that you were thinking about adopting! To be honest, I couldn’t even imagine you wanting to have children! Although I’m likely right in assuming that when Shayari finally came into your life, you realized just how much you were missing.

Um, no, I think you’re getting the order of events mixed up. I would have cut you a little slack there if you’d been one of the people caught up in all the damn time travel crap a little while back, both rounds of it — and holy crap do I never want to get mixed up with THAT kind of shit again — but as far as I know, you were just hanging out in Hearthglen all safe and secure.

But, okay, so the adoption thing was this idea I got into my head to maybe adopt Gurtash. He’d been hanging around Grommash Hold pretty regularly by then, and I was starting to work with him as a trainee, and I figured he was an orphan and all, what with his father having been killed in the line of duty up in Northrend, so I figured it might be good for me to just take him in outright. That was before Orphan Matron Battlewail decided to get all antsy and insisted I do the anger management class, and…well, that just got us into a big mess of red tape.

Anyway, that all got put on the backburner with everything going on in Pandaria, and then Shay turning up, and then the whole Mokvar thing and…you know, I don’t even want to get into it. Let’s just keep moving.

Being a father must be the most wonderful feeling in all worlds, wouldn’t you agree? It’s a shame that you lost seventeen years of poor Shay’s life, but you can make up for that now. Are you planning on adopting a baby?

I… no, no, I was never looking at adopting a baby. No babies. I had one specific kid in mind. How the hell did you read up on the adoption thing and miss the part where I specified who I was going to be adopting?

Are you adopting a little orc or a little troll? Maybe even a little Blood Elf? Ha, I jest. They’re truly insufferable as children.

I have bad news for you if you think that that’s specific to blood elf children.

Back to the anger management class. Is Ben-Lin still doing those?

Asked and answered, your honor.

Not that I have a HUGE anger problem, only sometimes I can be irrationally irate when the sounds of birds and flapping wings and even trickling water or the wind rustling grass or twigs, just the happy old noises, decide to all sound on what is known as “the morning after the night before”. Which often includes a LOT of alcohol.

I’m not completely sure what the fuck you’re talking about, but i’m beginning to get a vague sense that you and Tirion mesh well up there in Hearthglen in a variety of ways.

Mostly mead, although I do have a Gilnean friend who supplies me with brandy occasionally.

Thalassian, by any chance?

But anyway! Yes, the only downside to consuming so much alcohol is the “morning after the night before” effect which is a bi-daily event where every aspect of nature comes together and floats around my sore head shrieking with voices like nails across a shield. I mean, I don’t mind birds, but when they annoy me like that, they just HAVE to fucking die, you know what I mean? And that’s the benefit of having a bow. You don’t have to throw your sword and hope it doesn’t miss. I have to say, it’s a pretty great release of anger. You know that rage that simply cannot be repressed? Birds always seem to know when I experience it, because they glide well into firing range when I do.

I’m just going to tuck this little snippet away for the next time someone gets pissy with me about being grouchy and hostile with people.

And then I’m going to back away very, very carefully.

Keep hush on this, but once, I was aiming for an annoying bird and shot it in the wing, only to find it was actually a troll in bird form.

Heh. Hehehe. HeheheHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hahaha…ha… heh…

BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Heehee…

Okay… okay… moving on…

So anyway, I’ve had to clean up bird corpses a lot recently, only I haven’t been great at cleaning up the evidence, so there’s a small pile of dead birds behind Mardenholde Keep. With some incinerated kittens, also. And even some penguins that appear to have their skulls bashed in. I guess this is soon going to be the place where people drag the corpses of dead animals that end up falling to the blade of hangovers.

Is it bad that my first thought on reading that was that if, say, an anonymous note were to find its way to Mylune, directing her to go check out what’s behind Mardenholde Keep… oh man, the spectacle that might be to behold!

And hey, even if I can’t take part in the session, can you PLEASE just all have another one anyway!? Like, seriously!  Do you have any fucking idea how FUNNY that was!? I mean, look, I always knew that Tirion drank quite a bit but I never actually could make sense of those corpses until I read that! Although I was a little disheartened when I went to tell everybody and they all already knew. I was like “Where the fuck was I for the last however long this has been going on for”? And oh my LIGHT, what is Mylune’s problem! I thought she loved animals! I mean, I haven’t met her many times but she does seem quite…uh, cuddly? I mean, I like hugs but gee, I think I like breathing more. Oh, heh, and I mentioned Lor’Themar to Shay, too. Tell me, was his hair perfect that day, too? Huh. He always did seem pretty calm to me. Just prissy as fuck, you know?

This has been an installment in the Last Year in Garrosh’s Life series. But, hey, as long as Sarlin is endorsing that little exercise in unanesthetized dental surgery, here, go back and relive all the fun.

And also, if I might recommend it, maybe host the next one in that big gladiator’s or trial’s ring you got going on in Orgrimmar? You know, just so anybody who wants to come by for the giggles can do so.

Yeah, I think someone already had that idea.

Look, I’ll stop with this suggesting nonsense and outright say that I WILL PAY YOU to do another. Even though you’re probably rich out now what with being Warchief and all. Still. I mean, if it helps, I’ll send over 10,000 gold and it might even feed a village of hungry peons, or maybe be enough to invent an elixir that will give them a brain.

<looks over bill from Shayari’s latest shopping trip>

I’m listening.

I swear, though, the way you’re going on about this is making me want to make this a Patreon perk for clearing some non-trivial threshold.

I seem to have covered everything I’ve been wishing to bring up with you.

OH THANK THE SPIRITS I THINK WE’RE COMING UP ON THE HOME FUCKING STRETCH

I do hope that you don’t find any of this to be too demanding.

I’ll let you know once I regain feeling in my left leg after stabbing it repeatedly to keep from losing consciousness every 37 words.

I expect you have other issues to deal with besides the worries of a young Paladin, such as very incriminating photoes of dancing trolls or something. As opposed to “not so incriminating photoes”. Or “just slightly incriminating photoes”. The fel was up with THAT guy?

It’s funny you should ask. “That guy” just had another message delivered by courier:

It has come to my attention that both yourself and your daughter have been subjected to interminable, inane babbling in letter form from a young blood elf paladin in the service of Tirion Fording. Having reviewed her messages, I wish to know: what on Azeroth is UP with this chick?

–A Humble Peon

I wish I fucking knew, AHP. I wish I fucking well knew.

Oh, I did have a question!

I swear, it’s like the letter equivalent of one of those Earth Online machinimas, where you keep thinking the serial killer is finally dead, and HE KEEPS GETTING BACK UP AND COMING AFTER YOU SOME MORE.

But fear not, I will be brief.

Lady, the train left that station somewhere in the middle of volume three.

What the fuck is up with Bob? Who even IS that guy? And what is his fucking PROBLEM!? Gee, I mean, it’s pretty obvious he’s a troll and all (in EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD EVER) but whoa! I mean, c’mon. It’s not the just the harsh, real fact that he’s an asshole, but the more harrowing fact that he lacks a brain. The fuck. I mean, everybody KNOWS that the Lich King’s horse is “Invincible”. Invincible and INVISIBLE are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS! ARE YOU READING THIS, BOB!? YOU MIGHT LEARN A THING OR TWO! GRR, YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

You know, I can’t believe she’s actually making me contemplate the phrase “worth the wait,” but if this is how she’s finishing up, I hate to say it, but it really might be. BECAUSE FUCK YOU, BOB. Troll? Check. Asshole? Check? GODDAMN FUCKING IDIOT? Hell yes and triple check. PREACH, SISTER, PREACH.

Anyhow, I digress. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must replace this inkwell with a slightly larger one, since it only holds maybe just over half of the ink that I require to send out not just mailbag letters to the Horde’s Warchief, but also to stay in close contact with other friends and possibly relatives around Azeroth and Outland! It’s just rather a pain to refill it constantly.

And look at that, two more signatures for that petition from the ink vendors.

Meanwhile, I just had another message come in by courier. Apparently the night elves are declaring war on Sarlin for the sheer number of forests she’s singlehandedly leveled in order to supply herself with enough paper for these letters. And I quote: “We feel we may have misjudged your Warsong clan in focusing the brunt of our ire on their logging activities; clearly we were overlooking the true, direr threat.”

Still, feel free to scrape a few more pages out of Ashenvale, if you ask me. Just make sure you scrape some of the glitter off those trees before you start pulping. Thalassian Brandi could probably use it.

Fucking hell, though. Okay, let’s see what else we’ve got.

 

Sir, if somehow somewhere the f-word was banned and a spell kept anyone and everyone (including you) from saying it, what would you do? Would you be able to carry on a conversation or get mad without ever saying it or would this cause a cataclysmic event of Garrosh proportions?

–Ruekie

PS: This goes for shit too.  I mean the S- word!

Well, Rook, in the unlikely event that something like that ever happened, I suppose I would have to do the adult, responsible thing. Which means, of course, that I would hunt down the fucking fucknose motherfucker who cast that fucking spell, grab them by their fucking neck, then beat some goddamn fucking sense into their stupid fuckwit ass until they turned that motherfucking spell the fuck OFF. That’s what the fuck I’d do, dammit.

And shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits, while we’re at it.

Censorship fucking sucks, kids. Fight the power.

 

Hi again, Hellscream,

Mogor glad you got people working on it. Elements still not happy, so Mogor hope they work fast. Still, Mogor happy to find other fun things. Lantresor not writing in this time. Lantresor say he has a “secret mission” to take care of. Mogor not get it, but Lantresor smart orc. He not in trouble.  

Mogor write in to give you battle report. Mogor and some ogres of Burning Skull went south to swamp, hung out with Stonemaul ogres. Mogor met Draz’Zilb. Draz’Zilb so smart. He working on potion, will make Mogor smarter, stop heads arguing and big words confusing Mogor. Anyway, we hang out in swamp until funny pinkskins arrive, attack village. Mogor think Mogor saw green shirt with yellow anvil on pinkskins, but memory fuzzy. Draz’Zilb say they sent by the Allianz. More come, too many to fight all at once, but Mogor set trap in trees near village. Mogor and ogres climbed big tree and hung in branches; when pinkskins approached Mogor and ogres, we let go of branches, fall down on them. We got the drop on them, ha!  

Draz’Zilb say he continue to work on potion and Mogor should write to tell you about attack. Draz’Zilb expect pinkskins come back with even more next time. Mogor disappointed; the Allianz tougher in Mogor’s younger days. Now they all numbers, no brains. Not like orcs. Not like ogres.  

That all for now. Mogor see you next time.  

–Mogor the Ogre

Oh, hey, Mogor. The Ogre.

Um.

Yeah, sorry, I needed to take a second to wonder what happened to my life that these are the conversations I end up having. Anyway.

So… yeah, it’s good that you got over your little elemental hissy fit. You keep on listening to Lantresor, Mogor. The…ogre. Or…or, yeah, better yet, keep hanging out down in Brackenwall Village. You’ll probably feel right at home there, what with all the other mogor–ogres. OGRES.

<sigh>

I swear there was a point in my life when it wasn’t a giant fucking cartoon.

Anyway, continuing on.

That’s good that you’re spending some time with Draz’Zilb down there. I haven’t talked to him in a while, but he was always pretty sharp, so he’s probably going to be able to help you with the– wait.

Hang on.

You mean to tell me… Draz’Zilb’s got a potion he can cook up…that makes a pair of bickering heads stop yammering, and shut up and get along, and stop being fucking stupid and confused all the time? DUDE ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MOFO’S BEEN SITTING ON A FUCKING DONTRAG AND UTVOCH ANTIDOTE ALL THIS TIME AND HE HASN’T FUCKING TOLD ME???!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME??!!!

OKAY, so HERE’S what you’re gonna do, Mogor the ogre — you’re going to fucking FOLLOW Draz’Zilb’s ass around and stay after him until he whips up a GIANT SIZED dose of that potion of his, and then you’re going to get the BIGGEST FUCKING BARREL YOU CAN FIND, and LOAD IT UP WITH AS MUCH OF THAT POTION AS IT’LL HOLD, AND THEN YOU’RE GOING TO HIGH-TAIL IT BACK TO ORGRIMMAR WITH THAT SHIT. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING DO, MOGOR.

THE OGRE.

<sigh>

More soon. When I can stomach it.

 

[As always, keep those letters coming! Next mailbag November 2! E-mail the Warchief using the link at the top of the right sidebar, or use the handy form below:]

 

Spazzle Speaks: Refer a Friend

earthonline6

Things have been quiet for a few days, thank goodness. Garrosh has been busy with whatever he does in Grommash Hold. Mokvar has been busy down in Ragefire Chasm. Ji’s been busy with…well, I’m not really sure what Ji’s been busy with, but I figure he must be busy, since he hasn’t raided my fridge in a while. So as long as he’s doing okay I guess that’s a good thing.

Anyhow, all the quiet time just means I have some free time to spend gaming.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] So its like a patch

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Spazzle

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well, kind of

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but different

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good afternoon, Spazzle

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi mbc

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] How

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BIGGER PRETTY MUCH

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey gayle

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, much much bigger, plus the expansions are when they make all the big changes to things

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] What kinds of things

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey everyone

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] gaahh!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new abilities for your class

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or sometimes they revise how your class works

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HI MR

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so close!

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] And usually break it.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so what’s been going on?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Hello MrBadCrumble

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not terribly much, really.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] MORE LEVELS TOO

[Guild][MargoLane] not really, guys, but it’s ok

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea that too bart

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A friend of Mokvar’s just joined the guild.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh no I hope they dont break mine

[Guild][MargoLane] let’s just start it up again

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She’s running something with…well, the braintrust.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I take it everyone’s heard?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh cool

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Don’t even get me started on how badly they messed up my recipes when they introduced Lactose Intolerance.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I wouldn’t worry about that, red

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m starting it

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] More levels??

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] About the expansion? Yes.

You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: a friend of yours?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I think they said they were getting rid of that next expansion

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] You’re still learning your class so it probably won’t be too big of a change

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Everyone’s been talking about it off and on as the information has come out.

You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: who’s that?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh thank the spirits.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH THE NEW MAX LEVEL IS GOING TO BE 70

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] 70???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah I’ve been streaming the coverage in the background

[Bartleby | Mokvar] whispered: Who do you think?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] But I havent gotten to 60 yet!

You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: lol

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’m surprised you didn’t go to EarthCon this year, actually, Spaz.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t worry, red, you still have plenty of time

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the expansion won’t be for months yet

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh okay

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] eh, well, those zep tickets aren’t cheap

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] probably longer

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH IT’S NOT GOING TO BE ANY TIME SOON

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] besides, when tickets were going on sale, I was kinda busy with more important things

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like trying to figure out if my friend was actually dead

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] They didn’t say when it’s going to be

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “soon”

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, sorry

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SOON

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] “Soon”™

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re NOT dead

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And that’s not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] just, y’know… earthcon!

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Well

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Soon?

You whispered to [MargoLane]: so, I guess I know you?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] nope

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh. What’s soon?

[MargoLane] whispered: lol, hi spazzle

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not usually

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] This game is very confusing at times

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey boss

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HELLO OMGIPWNEDURFACE

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new expansion

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Didn’t you say you had some meeting in Azshara today, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MargoLane]: keeping an eye on Mokvar here too? hehe

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW THATS HARD TO TYPE

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh shit, they announced it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The new expansion?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh? what’s in azshara?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, they did the announcement this morning

[MargoLane] whispered: eh, mostly just a way to pass the time

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh come now, Spazzle, you of all people should know what’s in Azshara.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] info’s been leaking out little by little all day

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Damn, I missed it

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Considering how much of it your kin have blown up.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So what’s it going to be?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey hey hey

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay yeah alright

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] at least we don’t make places glow green when we move in :-/

[MargoLane] whispered: plus from the way mok talks about them, it sounds like dontrag and utvoch can use as much help with their cashiering as they can get

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “back to the future”

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It seems like a Caverns of Time inspired story

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I suspect that several irradiated former lab sites would beg to differ.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah yeah fine

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …What?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO RED

You whispered to [MargoLane]: what are you doing with them?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i know, right?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you suppose they consulted with Nozdormu about it

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So hang on, are they screwing with me or what?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] IDK

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Nope.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] but anyway, that’s why I was wondering

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Time travel

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I had much the same reaction at first, to be honest, Warchief.

[MargoLane] whispered: just taking them through some trade school scenarios and giving them pointers

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking hell…

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so I guess the way it’s going to work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] if you were going to azshara, maybe I know some people up there

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] is we’re going to go back in time to key moments in earth history

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I think it’ll be pretty interesting to see some of those events we’ve been hearing about

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] not sure yet if we’re trying to change what happens

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, maybe, I wanted to keep this fairly hush hush until I saw how things were going to go

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or, yea, if we’re doing the noz thing

You whispered to [MargoLane]: how’s it coming along?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WHAT DO YOU MEAN

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ugggghhhhh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, it’s official

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I just mean all the lore events that we read about in the quests

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, what she said

[MargoLane] whispered: slowly

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How what was going to go?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOZ

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They are seriously running out of ideas

[Guild][MargoLane] ok ok come on you two

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Or in those books that you can click on to read more about the world

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, like

[Guild][MargoLane] another try

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL HE HATES WHEN PEOPLE CALL HIM THAT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, clandestine undertakings. How intriguing!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the world wars

You whispered to [MargoLane]: haha, well good luck

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Ahem, Honalee…

[Guild][MargoLane] let’s try actually using the register this time

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the french revolution

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the fall of rome

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking time travel…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Intriguing primarily, of course, because I would know nothing of such things.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good idea

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that kind of thing

[MargoLane] whispered: lol thanks

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I MEAN SO I’VE HEARD

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, that reminds me, I still need to find one more of those books for the achievement

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m meeting with a goblin engineer who might start working on improving the ol’ arsenal

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH WOW YOU READ THOSE

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, who is it? I might know them

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You dont

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So is it those three events specifically, or what?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How’s it looking?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Good so far

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you mean the books or the quests

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] EITHER

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were a bunch of events we were going to interact with

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He already has some preliminary designs that he could rework for our purposes pretty easily

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] those were just a few examples

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Are you going back to meet with him again?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You don’t read the quests

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Really

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were going to be others

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL NO

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, I think I’m going to get everything wrapped up while I’m here

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh, you’re still up there?

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Arent you supposed to

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What are we supposed to be doing, though?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how are you getting online?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOT REALLY YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE QUEST

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got a really sweet gaming setup here

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that’s what I’m trying to figure out

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh nice.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] wait, blackfuse?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they haven’t made it very clear

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Wouldn’t we have to be trying to preserve history, if it’s based on the Caverns of Time

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got this whole underground headquarters under the mountains with computer equipment like you wouldn’t believe

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] we don’t know if that’s what they’re going for, though

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT WOULD BE PRETTY WEIRD OTHERWISE

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s him

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] blackfuse as in HELIX blackfuse?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that would be pretty damn lame if they try to build an expansion out of us going back in time and changing history

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Goodness, a subterranean lair within which all manner of unspeakable endeavors might secretly be pursued? What -will- they think of next.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I agree pwn but you never know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wtf

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You’d be surprised.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know him?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] dammit this thing cheats

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] If we change history though wouldn’t that undo what our characters are doing now

[MargoLane] whispered: fyi, your friends are idiots

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you’re hiring him?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you just nod off the last few minutes and miss the whole conversation?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see that’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out, red

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yes, I’m hiring him

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, I’m not sure what they’re going to do either way

[Guild][MargoLane] it’s okay, guys, we’ll try some more tomorrow

You whispered to [MargoLane]: you need to be more specific

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] because if we change history, how do they get around undoing everything that’s happened since

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: boss, you really really don’t want to

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok thanks

[Guild][MargoLane] read those links i gave you

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] One word of advice, boss, try not to let him talk you into a payment plan

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: for real

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] unless they set it up somehow so that changing the past doesn’t change the present

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] The interest is where they really get you.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And then what would even be the point

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: And I don’t want to, because…?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] right exactly

[Guild][MargoLane] meanwhile i think i’m going to log

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] All I’m gonna say about this, for the last time

[MargoLane] whispered: lol

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then also if we go back and have to change things

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know he’s probably rolling out some really impressive-looking tech, and he’s definitely crazy smart, but believe me, you don’t want to get mixed up with him

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well they only change because we went back, right?

[Guild][MargoLane] i need a drink

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Right

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] k bye margo

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] is FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then we get back to the present and we don’t have a reason to go back anymore

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] and thanks

[MargoLane] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so we don’t go back

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and then things happen the way they did originally because we weren’t there

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Right, see, I’m still waiting on the WHY part of all this

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and so now we DO need to go back

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: because he’s not just crazy smart

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and in that case, aren’t we just getting ourselves stuck in a loop?

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s CRAZY

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THIS IS GETTING REALLY DEEP

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait wut

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] where we just keep going around over and over having to redo the same things

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Yeah, well, look, inventors are supposed to be a little eccentric

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] um

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It is Honalee but I think it’s pretty interesting

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: The whole mad scientist type

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] just to keep time from breaking apart or whatever

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey that sounds familiar somehow

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] all right then. check please.

[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] do you rememeber that doc

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: You’ve got a little dose of that yourself, I’ll have you know

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh crap he logged

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YOUR PROBABLY THINKING ABOUT THIS WAY TOO MUCH

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea I probably am

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh geez ut are you going on about that again

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well well, it appears that the wonder twins are back.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: garrosh I’m serious

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean steve

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Which means it is, as the ogre would say, time for fun.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean I guess they can do what they want, it’s not like it’s real life

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Uh oh, here we go.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Still it would be nice if they tried to have it make sense

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, don’t hold your breath on that from the look of this

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know you don’t usually listen to me about policy decisions and yeah it’s not really my area, but just this time please listen to me

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, I guess we’ll see

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] ANYHOW I NEED TO GO

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah gil i told you before

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude what’s up with you about this guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] it really happened like i said

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SEE EVERYONE SOON

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Bye Honalee

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] later puff

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: What, did he wrinkle one of your damn comic books or something?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, are you two done with your training scenarios? You completed them triumphantly and have your shiny new name badges, I trust?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh and one other feature they were talking about

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s not stable

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Um, have you not seen the people I’ve got surrounding me

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no, it didn’t go so good

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I guess at endgame you get to go back to ancient egypt and build your own pyramid

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: no no no I don’t mean like neurotic unstable

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and gather followers there

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, I see.

[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] That doesn’t sound very much like preserving the integrity of history

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez, just what I need

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s a shame.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: blackfuse is brilliant but he’s honest-to-physics DANGEROUS

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yea it kind asucks

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol yea i know

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Like I don’t have a hard enough time dealing with my student minions already

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] could be interesting, though

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Now I get to deal with more?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You see, gentlemen, I was so hoping that you might earn your name tags and by so doing settle the nagging question that has vexed us lo these many months.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, I bet they’re going to base it on the teacher mechanic, too

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: back in kezan even gallywix knew to give him a wide berth

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] like the way you give assignments

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, don’t remind me. I’m trying to give out my daily homework now

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait what?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no no, see we need to get a high score to pass, now a low one

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Having to do it all individually is a huge pain

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t think that’s what she means gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I don’t know why they don’t just set it up so I can click on my teacher desk or something and hand out all the assignments at once

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not to intrude on your gameplay, Warchief

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well what do you think it is

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude, Gallywix gives EVERYONE a wide berth

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But I believe there’s an addon you can use for those assignments.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t know

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I don’t know

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol jinx

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Have you not seen him? Motherfucker is huge, in a not-tall way

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] something about a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, yea, it would be convenient if you could click on a table and do it that way

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yea but what question?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I use it, normally

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well thats a question

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I bet that would get pretty tedious after a few weeks though

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah that’s A question but i don’t think it’s THE question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I just don’t have any of my usual addons since I’m not on my own computer here

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: wait

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] whats the difference

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, I see.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] donty you idiot

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re not on your laptop?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] one’s with a and one’s with the

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] duh

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: No

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would imagine that would leave you feeling a bit out of sorts.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: how are you online then?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so um

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I told you, I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place

[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I’m on his computer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, very well, gentlemen, i’ll spare you your coy maneuvering and lay my cards on the table.

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: um…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait we’re playing cards?

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: so I’ve been saying…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i thought this was EO

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re logged onto…

You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: frak

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The pertinent question to which I allude is, of course, the ongoing mystery of which of you is Dontrag, and which one is Utvoch.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay sorry to be abrupt everybody but I really need to log off

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait that’s still a mystery?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like right right now

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Later, Spaz

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit ut did you lose the letter from overlord cliffwalker again

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ll talk to everyone later

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I hope

You have logged off.

 

So yeah, not to be rude to you folks, too, but I need to wrap this up fast. I’ve got hacking to do. Like, a lot of it. Pronto. Time is money!

And…survival!

CLICK!

 

Raid night

earthonline13

So, everything that’s been going on has kept me fairly busy, but still, what with Gurtash still being a big question mark and there not being a whole lot I can do about it, what little down time I have has still been giving me a little too much time to think. So I figure this is a good time for me to get back online to distract myself for a little while…

You have logged on.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] ok now get the pizza guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh dammit i blew a cooldown by mistake

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome back, Warchief.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] its ok steve itll be back up before we’re at the boss

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] okay, all set

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thanks

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] gil

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yes, perhaps just soon enough before the boss for him to blow it again.

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] did relogging fix it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Looks like it

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] gil!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] which, surely, he would never do.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Get me back in group before I turn it on?

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] incoming

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wtf why am i still losing health

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you have food poisoning

[MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] has invited you to a raid group.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] from one of the taco guy mobs

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh

[Bartleby | Mokvar] has logged on.

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] there we go

You have joined a raid group.

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] oh hey, and there’s our tenth

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you need to clear your stacks

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] you can’t cure it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, let me just see about the settings on this thing before I try doing anything else

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i CAN

[Officer][Lorthemar] Well hello!

[Officer][Lorthemar] It seems like I haven’t seen you in ages, Bartleby.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hang on gil

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] let me know if you need any help with it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey

[Bartleby | Mokvar] has joined the raid group.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi bart

[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome!

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] wb mok

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Thanks

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed, it’s good to see you again, Mokvar.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but i only have so many charges of penicillin

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’ve got you

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome back to the land of the living. Perhaps literally, from what I understand.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so it would be easier if you could just watch your stacks yourself

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] crap what was that??

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heh, yeah

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i lost like half my health!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh hey bart, wb

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey everyone

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea that was [Induced Vomiting]

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] it takes a bunch of health but now the poisons out of ur system

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I’m glad that’s over with. Being dead isn’t something I would have wanted to make a regular thing of.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know in my other guild we just let people die if they get avoidable stuff on them

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] thats harsh

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Sorry I’m late, by the way

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol that would be funny

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh it’s not so bad at all if you know how to manage the situation to your advantage.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that way they learn to stop doing it

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] shut up ut

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] not a big deal, we’re just re-clearing the food court

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would have been happy to assist you in that regard, had it come to it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] its not a big deal, no need to let him die

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] steve

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, I think I’ve got this set

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Zoning back in now

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heh, yeah, hopefully I won’t have any more reason to hold you to that.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] clearly the people in your -other- guild possess the capacity to learn.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] maybe no NEED really but it might just be fun anyway

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What are you working on anyway, boss?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] 🙁

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] has entered the raid instance {BLACK FRIDAY}

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] aww gil *hug*

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] installing LEA

[Officer][Lorthemar] He’s setting up an addon for the raid.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ahh

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] 🙂

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ah, cool, you got raid warnings working

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] u should try to be careful tho

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, now let’s see…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if it’s any help, next time you see a food poisoning cloud, steer away from it and let me send one of my pets to get it

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh, yeah, those food poisoning debuffs are nasty

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i can send a vulture or maybe a raccoon

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}<<<~~RW::testing, testing

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] those helped a lot in my other guild

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] With any luck, this will help people be a little more…conscious of the goings-on in the encounter.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] At least the ones from the food court mini-boss

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] o.O

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ya but then wont they get food poisoning and die?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, there we go

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea no kidding bart

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[**RAID GROUP COMPOSITION**]
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Raider Name]~~~~~~[Class]
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]~~Teacher
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Bartleby | Mokvar]~~~~~~~Chef~
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[GilbertRose | Dontrag]~~~~Cashier
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]~~~Lawyer
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Lorthemar]~~~~~~~~~~Hairdresser
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[MrBadCrumble | Spazzle]~~~Firefighter
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Nightengayle | Garona]~~~~Nurse
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[ProfHubert | Faranell]~~~~~Zookeeper
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Proudleslie | Jaina]~~~~~~Paramedic
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[SteveKravitz | Utvoch]~~~~Cashier

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] better the pet than you

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Looks like it’s working okay

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] not so sure about that lol

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] shut up steve

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::here we go, raid warnings up and running

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] cool

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I watch that guy and I’m like, man, I wish *my* food poisoning hit that hard

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] ok guys

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] no, that’s the whole point of a scavenger. they have highly resilient digestive systems.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] we’re clear here

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] no kidding, bart – i feel the same way about some of the self-heals these mobs have

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] let’s get moving to the dept. store entrance

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh okay

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, no kidding

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::HEY

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i wouldn’t want to get your pets killed

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] awww thats sweet of you worrying about the poor animals

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Makes me wish *I* could be a mini-boss

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::YOU HEARD HIM

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yes, that is indeed touching.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::GET YOUR ASSES MOVING

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol yeah me too

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey, you know, I could get to like this thing

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] admittedly, the expression of compassion suffers somewhat from being directed toward a collection of pixels.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] what

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::WHATS UUUP BITTTCCHHHEESSSS

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hoo boy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] who’s doing that?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh dear.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol pwn has a new toy

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh yeah

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] um

[Guild][Lorthemar] That’s Omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Man, I wish I had something like this in real life

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i think maybe there was something wrong with my game

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well, there is.

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I think I might end up regretting this

[Officer][Lorthemar] You just couldn’t have done the raid warnings yourself, eh, Spazzle?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] insofar as you’re the one playing it.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Trust me, boss, you do.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um who else would be playing my game?

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I think he kinda wanted to do them himself…

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ut you idiot

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] might i suggest literally anyone?

[Officer][Lorthemar] Ugh, I can already tell it’s going to get old quickly.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] okay

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean steve

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, people

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] i think we’re set

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We had a little trouble with this encounter last time, so I’m going to run through this real quick

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Now now, Regent-Lord, let is focus on the task at hand.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i know the encounter so I’m going to afk real quick

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We start the encounter split in two groups

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh ok is gayle’s gonna afk imma make a quick bio

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And reserve petty infighting for its own time and place.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HOLD IT

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::HOLD IT RIGHT THERE

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::NO FUCKING AFK’S

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::IF YOU HAVE TO GO, FUCKING HOLD IT

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::TILL LATER

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] shoulda kept a cup by you’re desk steve

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::WE ARE NOT

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::REPEAT NOT

[Officer][Lorthemar] -sigh-

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] eww gross

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] lol

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::CAPITAL N CAPITAL O CAPITAL T

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::GOING TO GET STARTED WITH THAT PANDAREN WATER TORTURE

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::WHERE WE SPEND THE NIGHT BLEEDING TO DEATH

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::FROM THE SLOW DRIBBLE OF A THOUSAND CHAIN AFKS

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I must say, Warchief, this is an occasion when I can appreciate your more authoritarian approach.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::GODDAMMIT

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok ok sorry

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok back

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I know, right?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] so are we doing a break now or not?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i thought we weren’t

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Putting out some food

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::AS I WAS SAYING

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Come buff up while we get set.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Steve and Gilbert are going to take the registers and handle the waves of shoppers

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ty bart

[Guild][Lorthemar] Thank you, Bartleby.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Healers will stay in the middle so they can keep an eye on both groups

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The rest of us will be clearing inventory in the stock room

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] bartleby, you should try to stay near the healers too

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] try to send some extra buffs to whichever group needs it

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You guys on the registers need to check out the shoppers as they come in

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You need to keep up with the pace they’re coming in, but not go too fast

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] If you check out too many too fast, the next waves spawn faster and eventually we’re going to get overrun

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If they end up spawning too many, I can go over and pick some up as well.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] you guys at the registers

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So you want to check them out slowly

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And by slowly I mean FUCKING SLOW

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not an ideal solution, but I can do what I can, then use my [Restraining Order] to drop aggro.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] try to use as many credit charges as you can

[Officer][Lorthemar] Good idea.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] payments over time help balance out the pacing a lot

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok got it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’ll admit, having those two doing a key job doesn’t exactly make me bubble over with confidence.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Once we fill out the sales quota for phase 1, that’ll spawn the boss

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] i know

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There’s no aggro reset so you need to get the fuck out of the way once Bridezilla spawns

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] and the bridesmaid adds

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True, but they’d be in no less of a position to derail the attempt in the stock room.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] and let BadCrumble pick them up

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t get close to the fitting rooms

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, true.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Burn down the two bridesmaids LDG marks, then everyone on the boss

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If we can handle the phase transition well, we should be fine.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s been out biggest difficulty.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] manage trash waves, burn boss, profit

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] got it!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Everybody good then?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes sir

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] looks like it

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] go go go!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay then

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Here we go

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[Encounter Initiated:BRIDEZILLA]]

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Everyone to your places

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I have the left side of the stock room covered.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok I have everyone in range

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I’m good on the right side

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Bargain Shoppers: Wave 1]]

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’ve got the whole inventory group covered

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] incoming

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] except lor

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok gil can you try not to get too far from the register

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] your getting out of range

[Guild][Lorthemar] I need to be this close to be in melee range.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’ll back up to get in range if I start getting hit.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so far so good

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A little extra focus on this side, Professor?

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] stock room clearing out fine so far

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] keep it going

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We can probably afford to clear the shoppers a little faster

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] could you use a hyena or an ocelot?

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] yeah

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ocelot, please.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] gil you need to stay in range

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Bargain Shoppers: Wave 2]]

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] on it.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok thats better

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] we’re good over here

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good, they’re evening out now.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heals going okay?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] if gil can keep in range yea

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i can reach him gayle

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’ll put out some carrots

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Shoppers?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] [Sharp Eyesight] for your range.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] actually

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] we’re getting behind

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Which wave are we on?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] 2

[Guild][Lorthemar] Two

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] should i send a pet out to help?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] 2

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Pick it up, guys

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s not good.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I didn’t mean THAT slow

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Bargain Shoppers: Wave 3]]

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We should be on

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] well there we go.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] did we clear wave 2?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] no

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What are you guys doing up there?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ugh

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] trying sir

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You guys need to get more payments over time rolling on all of them

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bart can you buff them up

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What do we need, coffee for haste or spinach for might?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Both, if you can.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Okay, but I’ll have to blow my [Smorgasbord]

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] do it

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] More PoTs

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] having it later won’t matter if we don’t get there

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] More PoTs

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Done

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That should help.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Bargain Shoppers: Channeling {Customer Dissatisfaction}]]

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, braintrust, now you should

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] INTERRUPT THAT

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] oh fuck

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ugh

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] too late

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh crap

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We have a manager incoming

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] on my way

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Where at?

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] can you cover this here lor

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Querulous Manager Spawned]

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] register 4

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] ok

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’ll do the best I can.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] ugh

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::BadCrumble to register 4

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::ProfHubert to register 4

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::SteveKravitz to register 4

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] picking him up

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] ok

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::Bartleby to register 4

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::whatever the fuck you do

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] no guys

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::DON’T STAND CLOSE TO OTHER PEOPLE

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] crap

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] spread

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] spread

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Querulous Manager Casting {Frightful Admonition}]]

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Crap

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] damn i’m feared

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Can someone clear him?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] he’s out of range

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] shoppers loose

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m coming out

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] grabbing them up the best I can

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh dear

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] crap

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] He got feared into the dressing room…

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh dammit.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Frantic Bridesmaids Spawning]]

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ugghhhhh

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] WE’VE GOT BRIDESMAIDS

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] got some on me

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] summoning my honey badger.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::MANY BRIDESMAIDS

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit i’m down

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] putting it on some of the bridesmaids.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::HANDLE IT

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We can’t be shorthanded now

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] getting him up

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] you sure prof?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] CLEAR

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[Proudleslie | Jaina] Casts: {Defibrillator} on [GilbertRose | Dontrag]

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not the first time she’s said that, am I right?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] they hit pretty hard

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] watch

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] whew ok

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] maybe not the time, chief

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh wow yea

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] honey badger doesnt give a fuck

[Officer][Lorthemar] -snicker-

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] More heals on MBC

[Guild][Lorthemar] We’ve got bridesmaids back in the storeroom now

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::FUUUCCCCKKKKK

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lot of adds loose still

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] trying

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Kind of hard for him to get them all when jackasses spawn too many

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] we’ve got a lot of damage coming in

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] bah, I’m dead.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yet again.

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m down, too.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I’ve got a bad feeling about this

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ugh i’m dead

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] second time

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] amatuer.

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] focus the manager, maybe if we can get him out of the way

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::everyone on manager

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::NO AOE, FOCUS FIRE

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] well so much for that

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] i’m down

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] aaaaaand i have some friends

[Bob] has logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] my defib’s on cooldown =(

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It doesn’t much matter at this point.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] dead

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] UGGGHH

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] just wipe it

[Guild][Lorthemar] Yeah.

[Officer][Lorthemar] I knew it was going to be trouble relying on them for that job…

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OK

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] SO

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] problem is they’re way more suited for shoppers than anything else

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::SO

[Officer][Lorthemar] I know…

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[Encounter Ended:BRIDEZILLA (100%)]]

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::WHAT

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::THE FUCK

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::WAS THAT SHIT

[Guild][Bob] ’ey, you get ’em, mon? link da loot!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I can revive. Don’t release.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I MEAN SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no bobby =(

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HOW WAS THAT EVEN REMOTELY FUCKING POSSIBLE

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i know, that was rough

[Guild][Bob] ahhh dat sucks, mon

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] you know, the worst part is it was actually going pretty well there

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] what happened

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] until it started coming apart

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[[[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Casting {Death and Taxes}]]

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] why yes, everything was going just swimmingly until suddenly everyone was dead.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You two

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Gil and Steve

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh dammit Gil get over here so you don’t accidentally start the encounter again

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no i’m steve

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHICH ONE YOU ARE

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We may need to come up with a creative way around this phase.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Look, you two

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We put you

[Officer][Lorthemar] Hopefully “creative” in a non-hacking, non-exploit sort of way, yes?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] on fucking CASHIER duty

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] right

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes sir

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, Regent-Lord, you’re so charmingly boy scoutish.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So hang on

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But fine.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Look at this.

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[**RAID GROUP COMPOSITION**]
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Raider Name]~~~~~~[Class]
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]~~Teacher
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Bartleby | Mokvar]~~~~~~~Chef~
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[GilbertRose | Dontrag]~~~~Cashier
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]~~~Lawyer
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Lorthemar]~~~~~~~~~~Hairdresser
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[MrBadCrumble | Spazzle]~~~Firefighter
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Nightengayle | Garona]~~~~Nurse
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[ProfHubert | Faranell]~~~~~Zookeeper
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[Proudleslie | Jaina]~~~~~~Paramedic
>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~[SteveKravitz | Utvoch]~~~~Cashier

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um ok

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] IT’S THE ENTIRE REASON YOUR FUCKING CLASS EVEN EXISTS

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HOW

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HOW

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] also, FUCKING HOW????

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I have a thought. What about this.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] how what sir?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] ljksdhfglishpg9tj78w945e3fyhvwol384t6y7holsighd

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] It would have to be an improvement over what we’re doing, really…

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] sorry sir

[Guild][Lorthemar] I really just don’t understand.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We’re not managing the shoppers in the first phase well enough.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Granted, I wasn’t out there.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So let’s bypass them.

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] how?

[Guild][Lorthemar] But how could you have gotten that far behind on shoppers?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Let’s zerg phase one.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] um i dont know

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s “zerg”?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Were you even using any of your abilities at all?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i think so

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Nothing, really.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I just made up the word. I just thought it sounded good.

[Guild][Lorthemar] You…think so?

[Guild][Lorthemar] …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well what does it mean?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It means we all swarm the adds in the first phase.

[Guild][Lorthemar] How do you not know if you were even USING your abilities?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] All in a big, overpowering mass.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] try not to get upset lor

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i dont know

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Rather like felhounds, come to think of it.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i’m clicking on buttons and stuff

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Well the thing is, though, the faster we take the first adds, the faster more will spawn.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Do you know what they DO?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i have a cashier alt in my other guild

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] If we try to power through them, we’ll be swimming in them.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] maybe i can try to explain this to you guys?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] how do you know?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True.

[Guild][Lorthemar] How do…

[Guild][Lorthemar] …

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But we’re swimming in them anyway.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh wow that would be really nice gayle

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok i can try

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] This way, at least, we can all be focused on powering through the checkouts.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Blazes…

[Guild][Lorthemar] They should not be at the raiding stage and still need someone to explain what their abilities do!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And once we spawn the boss, we won’t have any more shoppers spawning.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lor dont get so upset

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lor I agree but we are where we are

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It’s actually not a bad idea.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] It’s risky, but yeah, if it works…

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] would you prefer no one help them and they keep making mistakes?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hey, why are all the officers so quiet?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Maybe if we blow all our cooldowns and buffs right off the top.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] My thinking exactly.

[Guild][Lorthemar] I would prefer to have guildmates who knew what they were doing!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Spazz, what do you think? Number crunch real quick?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey look lorthemar

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] uhh yea…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] they’re talking in officer chat.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we’re doing the best we can okay

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] about what?

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I’m coming up with a 32.33% chance of survival

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] repeating

[Guild][Lorthemar] Actually not okay, but still.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Of course

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] and its pretty lousy for you to be getting all nasty about it

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] like considering

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] probably about how much you fail.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well, that’s a lot better than we’re doing right now

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh 🙁

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh? Considering?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean come on man, you only just joined the guild

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Agreed, Warchief.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ya wasnt it just a couple weeks ago?

[Guild][Lorthemar] …

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we hardly even know you and you’re gonna be talking crap about people?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well i can’t see any way at all that this won’t end well.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay

[Guild][Lorthemar] ………

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] actually i think he joined like a month or so after i did

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll spell it out to these clowns

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] but ya man who are you to be coming down on everyone

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::Okay, listen up

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh SCREW THIS

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m

[Guild][Lorthemar] LOR’THEMAAAAARRRRRR

[Guild][Lorthemar] THERONNNNNNNN

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[Encounter Initiated:BRIDEZILLA]]

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] whats going on

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] oh crap

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] He started the encounter!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] dammit lor’themar

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Bargain Shoppers: Wave 1]]

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::GO GO GO GO GO

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ugh this repair bill is gonna suck

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::GET IN THERE

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] ugh

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] picking up as much as I can

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[BRIDEZILLA Frantic Bridesmaids Spawning]]

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] and the wheel turns again.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] dammit lor’themar!

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] well damn that was fast

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Well, now we know I can tank really well

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] just extremely briefly.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh fucking hell

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -sigh-

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ugh my defib is still down

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Regent-Lord…

[Guild][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] I don’t think it’s really going to matter, leslie

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] down.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] me too

>>>{Lethal Encounter Addons}~~RW::[[Encounter Ended:BRIDEZILLA (100%)]]

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Dammit Lori

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you idiot, lor’themar

[Guild][Lorthemar] At least I have roasted quail.

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I am not looking forward to the email that will surely be coming this afternoon.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay people

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This clearly isn’t going to work tonight

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Let’s call it a night and try to start fresh next week

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ok pwn

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea probably just as well

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m gonna log. Maybe Ben-Lin’s got some free time

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sorry sir, i’ll try to do better

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Of course, sir.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’ll try to help puffy finish leveling too

[Officer][MrBadCrumble | Spazzle] later, chief

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] maybe he can help a little

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well, we know he’s magical.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You know, if we need someone to swap in next time, I might know someone.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] right?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] does that include miracles?

You have logged off.

Yeah, so. I’ll write more later, after go find Ben-Lin. And beer. Lots of beer. Not necessarily in that order.

More soon.

 

Monday mailbag

mailbag3

Okay, peeps, time to hack through a little more of this backlog of letters. Here we go.

 

Dear Warchief,

As an amateur artist myself, I’m always interested in others’ artistic work. Lately I’ve been taking particular interest in the artistry that went into your tattoos. I’m curious if they have any special meaning, like certain markings indicating anything specifically. They look like someone put a lot of effort into the intricate detailing. And placement.

No, really, that’s why I’ve been staring. I’m studying. The tattoos.

Also, speaking of artwork, tell Gurtash to keep up the good work, I’ve been enjoying watching his drawings develop. Is there any chance that some of his drawings of you might become available as pinups? I’m just curious. I’d like to help support a budding young artist, you see.

Innocently yours,

–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City

Uh huh. Yup.

#TheLadiesLoveGarrosh

But to answer your question, Tandeleina (do you have any nicknames, by the way? not for nothing, but your name is seriously a bitch to type)… The tattoos are Warsong ceremonial markings, done by Vanteg from back in Nagrand. I talked about this a little once before, but I guess I never really touched on what the tattoos actually mean. Because they DO mean things – they’re not just some fancy scribbles that somebody doodled all over me at random and hoped they would look badass. Well, except when Gurtash draws them, because honestly, he DOES just kind of doodle them all over me, like I can just imagine him spending all day working on one of those sketches of me, and struggling like hell to recreate all that awesome on paper, and then he gets to the end and realizes he still needs to do the tattoos, only at that point he’s all tired and spent from the whole exercise so he’s like “oh fuck it” and scribbles a bunch of vaguely stripey shapes on me. Because, see, in reality, unlike Gurtash’s drawings, my tattoos are NOT different shapes in different locations every single time you look at me. Kid’s got a good eye in general, I guess, but apparently getting that much right calls for TWO good eyes.

But I digress.

Anyway, the tattoos fall into two groups, the ones on my back and the ones on my shoulders and arms. The markings on my arms stand for the major victories and achievements of my family line, with the earliest accomplishments being represented around my shoulders, then working their way toward the present as they continue down my arms. So as you trace down each arm, you can follow the achievements of my grandfather, Golmash, then Grommash and Lakkara, then me. They all pretty much look like interchangeable stripes to the untrained eye, but see, there are all these little subtle variations, where the bands get thicker or narrower, where there are little nicks and indentations, where there are curves and where they stay straight… every little detail is symbolic for something. You’ll also notice, the tattoos only run down to about my elbows. I had Vanteg do that deliberately, so there’d be room for me to add more tattoos down the rest of my arms as time goes on. Who knows, now that it turns out I’m not the last of the line, maybe if Shay does something big one day, I can get myself inked up a little more to cover that.

Meanwhile, the tattoos on my back mean something else. See, the accomplishments of my family go on my arms, because the arms stand for deeds and actions. The back, on the other hand, stands for the…well, the backbone. The framework that supports everything else. So the markings on my back symbolize different qualities that are valued in the Warsong clan or within my family line. So there’s one marking that means loyalty, and one marking that means prowess in battle, and another marking that means strength of will, and then there’s that one stray marking on the left side of my back that means Vanteg should have known to put the fucking needle down for a minute when he felt the hiccups coming on. By the by, he’s got a marking of his own now that symbolizes that very same thing, only it’s not made of fucking ink.

So there you go, ladies. Now you have an excuse to take a good long look next time you see me tooling around Orgrimmar. It’s not leering, it’s exegesis! I’ll know the truth, but that can just be our little secret. You’re welcome.

 

Yo Warchief Hellscream,

Wazzup? Long time reader, first time writer here. Anyway, I got a bit of a problem I was hoping you’d take care of for me. Could you call off your Kor’kron mooks every time I come into the city to sell my goods? I’m a loyal citizen of the Horde and a skilled engineer, and I haven’t stolen anything I ain’t earned through good and honest–whoa I almost got that out legit there.

Anyway, all I do is sell inferior gnome engineered products to promote how much more AWESOME goblin engineered products are (not to mention that there’s less of a chance of turning into a chicken when you use ’em), but every time, your Kor’kron goons come over and harass me outta my stall! Since I’m already paying protection to the Tinker’s Guild and the Trade Prince, if I gotta start paying you, I wouldn’t even be breaking even profit-wise! What’s a girl gotta do to make some semi-honest coin around here?

–Glessee “Glitch” Sparkbolt, Sparkbolt Enterprises

Hey, Glitch, thanks for writing. What the hell took you so long? Freaking lazy-ass goblins. Anyhow.

So let me get the straight. Your business plan…is to sell stuff that you know going in is crap…so people can SEE that it’s crap…and then not buy it anymore…and then go to someone ELSE who’s selling BETTER stuff and buy from THEM? So you’re telling them, “Goblin products are awesome – and I’m not selling them! So you better go give your money to someone who isn’t me”? That’s your business model?

I’m going to stick my neck way, way out and guess that you don’t exactly have investors lined up around the block to sink money into this operation.

So as far as the Kor’kron go, see, there isn’t any law against selling gnomish products, but if you’re causing a nuisance with your junk, then yeah, they’re going to come over and stop the operation and make sure you don’t give any more people cause to register complaints.

So here’s the question for you: When you were getting “harassed” out of your stall, HAD you just turned a would-be customer into a chicken? How about a frog? Did you just make somebody’s mother-in-law seven feet taller? Did you just give some horny teenager x-ray vision? (Fucking hell save us if that kind of tech drops into a certain pair of doodle-prone hands I know.) Did you just go “one two three kablooey” and turn somebody’s hat into a bowl lime sherbet? Did you give somebody a free trial of a teleportation device only instead of taking them to the Barrens it popped them into a parallel dimension made entirely out of shrimp, only when you pulled them back it split them into two copies of themselves, one with all the good and noble qualities and one with all the evil nasty stuff, but neither of them are strong enough to survive on their own, plus there’s the persistent uncontrollable toxic flatulence?

Because seriously, once you open the can of worms that is gnomish tech, no outcome is too ridiculous to be off the menu. That’s why, at the end of the day, I DO prefer goblin products. At least with those, you know they’re only ever going to blow up in your face LITERALLY.

 

Greetings, Warchief,

I finally decided to give Earth Online a try after reading about your adventures there.  It’s a pretty fun game!  I decided to follow in your footsteps and roll a teacher class.  I’m coming up on the end of the university starter zone, and I’ve been doing okay with the student teacher proving grounds, but since I’m about to venture off the safe confines of campus, I was wondering if you had any helpful tips on playing a teacher successfully in the big wide world?

–Gurda Ragescar, Splintertree Post

Thanks for writing, Gurda.  Glad you’re liking the game.  The teacher class is a tricky one, what with all the lesson plan juggling and management of your minions, but it can be pretty fun once you work out how you’re going to do things.  A lot of stuff is going to depend on how you’re specced, like if you’ve got more of a science or orcities (what those Alliance buggers probably call humanities) build, so I don’t want to get too deep into specifics that might not apply to you.  But, I can give you a few things you might want to keep in mind.

First, when you’re dealing with your minions and issuing them commands, you need to spam those keybindings.  Do not – repeat, DO NOT – make the mistake of thinking you can press the button once to tell the brats to do something and then sit back pleased as can be expecting them to go do it.  There is ZERO chance they’re going to do what you tell them until you click on it at least three or four times.  Same thing goes for when you try to up their skills.  You want to boost them up a skill point, you need to hit that train button six or seven times.  It will not take otherwise.  It’ll bounce right off their stubborn little heads.  You might think I’m crazy, but just you watch – try sending them off on a mission, only hit the assignment key once, then come back when the mission is supposed to be done, and watch the blank looks on their faces, like they’re saying, “Oh…did you want me to do something?”

Second, sometimes when you’re dealing with one of your minions, it’ll spawn this older-looking NPC that’ll aggro on you and initiate a parent-teacher conference solo scenario.  Those can be tricky.  You’ve got to improvise on the fly as far as the parent’s mechanics, but basically, you need to wear them down until they stop being hostile and turn friendly.  At that point, they’ll help you reinforce whatever you’re trying to get your minions to do.  Here’s the catch, though: some of the parents will be really easy to get on your side, and some of them will be damn near impossible – like infuriatingly so.  And the funny part is, the easy parents are the ones whose kids were pretty easy for you to handle in the first place, so you probably don’t really NEED help from the parents. But those are the ones that spawn more often.  But the harder parents?  Yeah, they’re tough to deal with, but they’re kind of worth it, because THEIR kids are frigging impossible to handle, so you NEED all the help you can get with them…only those parents almost never spawn.  It’s like they don’t want to be bothered with the little brats, so good luck ever getting them to show for a conference.

When you’re grinding out your paper-grading dailies, DO NOT try to do too many of them in one sitting.  If you try to grind out too many at once, your patience bar will burn out way too quickly and you’ll end up giving D’s to everyone in the bottom half of the pile.

That’s it as far as suggestions.  One fun thing to look out for, though – when you’re going around the world away from your school, keep an eye out for your minions.  It won’t happen often, but every once in a while you’ll randomly run into one of them wandering around the world.  Keep an eye open, and watch them when that happens – they will freak the fuck out, like they’re totally dumbstruck by the fact that you exist out in the regular world.  I just get a kick out of watching them panic and scramble around all confused.  Maybe it’s just me.

 

Yo, what’s up Warchief?

The name’s Grottee Metalbeard. You know, that goblin who came to see you with a letter from your old buddy Thrall. Of course, you probably remember better from when a message with my name on it was sent to your Live Blog a coupla weeks back. Darndest thing: that wasn’t me.

Turns out, my assistant Mindy found my password and logged in a few hundred times when I wasn’t around – after all, a shaman’s work is never done. That little question about the Warsong? Her doing. It’s a good question, but I wasn’t gonna ask it, so she did.

Good news is, I finally know why I’m getting all those meal deal emails. And how my old boss Gallywix somehow found out about my recent fling with an old friend, Sassy Hardwrench, during one of my trips to Stranglethorn. (I knew all those gossip magazines were hiding something from me!)

The bad news is, I’m now in the market for a new assistant. And a new office. Turns out she blew it up with smuggled explosives. That mystery boob job she went on and on about? Bombs smuggled in under the shirt. My fault for not asking for a look I guess. Don’t suppose you know where else I could set up?

Aaaanyway, that ain’t what I’m really writing in about. No, no, what I’m writing in about, is these three words: Blackfuse, elementals, trolls.

What am I talking about? I’ll discuss each topic in brief.

Step 1: Blackfuse. I can tell you’re not exactly worried about the technology of your Horde right about now, seeing as how you’re trying to master the Sha and all that. But you really should be. If what I’ve heard is true, the Alliance is gearing up to take you on. As in, lay siege to Orgrimmar, kill anyone who doesn’t run away/surrender and stick your head on a pike. And I’m not talking about your average bunch of Alliance adventurers going in and taking a shot at you hoping Varian will send them a bear in the mail (how does that work, by the way?) or anything like that. I mean, armies from all over Azeroth baring down on you with their hackles raised. Fortunately for you, I know a guy who’ll crank Orgrimmar’s Engineering skill all the way to the top. His name’s Helix Blackfuse, and he runs a little outfit called Blackfuse company. They’re a rowdy bundle of backstickers and grease-monkeys who build high-tech shredders, giant lasers, the odd drilling machine and yes, a crapload of bombs, then sell ’em to whoever’s got the gold. I’m saying this ’cause while I don’t have enough money to pay him to make me a sandwich, you probably have the gold to tie him to the Horde at the hip. Blackfuse has a weakness for shiny gold worse than the average magpie; you pay him enough, he’ll build you a giant metal scorpid with laser, bombs and buzz-saws coming out the wazoo. I figure that should be a step in the right direction.

Step 2: Elementals. Let me be blunt, Warchief: I know you’ve been getting offers of help from the Dark Shaman. You know, the ones who force the elementals to bend to their will and corrupt them into creatures of darkness. I’m only gonna say this once: don’t. Whatever neat little tricks they promised you, don’t. Don’t say yes to the jokers who think the elements are tools they get to bend in or out of shape as they like. You think life in the desert is harsh now? I’ve been chatting to the elements here, and they’re being nice. Even after you dragged out those molten giants during your attack on Theramore, they’ve decided to let your people keep on living here. But they’re running out of tolerance. It’s pretty understandable. If you laugh and spit in people’s faces too often they’ll try to get rid of you – like I was gonna do to Gallywix before the volcano on Kezan erupted. Besides, you don’t need to force the elementals to fight for you – some of them’ll do it for free.

And before you ask, I know this because since the death of Deathwing I’ve been hopping to some of the elemental planes, chating with the natives. Turns out, there’s entire armies of elementals out there without a cause to fight for. I don’t expect you to know this, but the leaders of the wind and fire elementals got KO’d a while back, like FOR REAL. Not coming back no matter how many reset buttons get pushed. Which means there’s a power vacuum in the Skywall and the Firelands – and a few of the more intelligent ones are happy to take any work they can get. Business has been good for me so far. Maybe you’d like to try it?

Now, like I said, the wind and fire elementals need no prompting, so that’s two elements ticked off right from the off. Earth is a little more tricky, ’cause their ruler is still around, and they’re not exactly big on mortals around there. Still, I’ve got a lot of pull with the Stonemother, so I imagine at least some of them would be willing to try working with someone I gave a ringing endorsement. The water boys, though? That’s kinda tricky. They’d be willing to give you a run, see how things go. But there’s a catch (of course there is) – namely, they want a small army of Horde troops to help them with reclaiming the Abyssal Maw from the naga. And not the kids fresh out of training either. Top of the line Kor’kron boots in the water is what they want. It seems there’s a few of them who are happy to serve the Alliance’s Frost mage population, and they don’t really want to switch sides without a little stellar motivation. I was half-tempted to say yes just to find out what the hell happened to that Neptulon guy, but I figured I should run it by you and see what we should do. Anyway, all I’m saying is, you’ve got an opportunity to play nice and get what you want from the elementals without screwing them and yourself over. I’d take it, if I were you.

Step 3: Trolls. And I’m not talking about the guys you know about – the peacemakers with the ambition of soggy wood. No, I’m talking about the big boys. The fellas who made an empire once, long ago. After the death of the Thunder King, they’re in a bad way in terms of leadership, and reduced to grasping at straws. Basically, they’ll take whatever help they can get, I’m sure. And let me tell you, Warchief, these guys mean business. I’ve seen them come out with some of the coolest toys a troll can get his hands on: giant dinosaur mounts, massive golems, even a few loa priests with transformation magic. Hell, you could get a lot of mileage out of them, and by bringing them into the fold, you’d be sending a message to those Darkspear morons that they’re not as needed as they think they are. Plus, you’d not only get rid of one of an ongoing list of enemies for the Horde, you’d also get powerful allies against the Alliance. Genius, huh?

Anyway, let me know how your negotiations go if you decide to give Blackfuse or the Zandas a call. And, uh, on the subject of the elementals, do I have the go-ahead? Be nice to do something more constructive than go brewing and selling the Vial of the Sands all day.

–Grottee Metalbeard, goblin shaman

We now continue with Tuesday mailbag. Because holy fucking SHIT, what the fuck just happened THERE? Where did the last eight pages and twelve hours go, for fuck’s sake?

Look, Grottee – and thank the spirits you had your name on the very last line there, because I sure as fuck wasn’t going to go looking – you might be brilliant and insightful and wise and skillful and loyal and punctual and have impeccable table manners, but DUDE, the FUCK? A mailbag letter should NOT have CHAPTER BREAKS, dude. And look, maybe you think I’m being a little hard on you, and maybe you’re thinking “oh, come on, that gigantic congealed brick of words wasn’t THAT long,” here, allow me to defer to an expert witness who knows a thing or two on the subject. Check this out:

tiriontweet

DO YOU SEE THAT? DO YOU? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING MAGNITUDE OF THAT SHIT?!

Okay, so, I’m just going to respond to random assorted parts of that, because in all honesty, I think I zoned out about four or five times trying to make my way through that. So here we go.

Goblin tech. Got it. Not a bad idea. I might have to look up this Blackfuse dude. Like I was just telling Glitch back before forty days and forty nights blew on by, goblin tech CAN be handy, and it’s sure as hell a better option than trying our luck on gnomish crap.

So, water elementals. Look, dude, go hang out with the elementals all you want, but don’t hold your breath waiting to get an answer on the whole Neptulon thing. Mark my words, we are never going to find out what the fuck happened to that dude. It’s just going to be one of those crazy mysteries lost to the mists of time, like where Medivh vanished off to, or what creepy shit is going on under Tirisfal Glades (other than the regular ol’ creepy shit that Sylvanas is doing any given Tuesday), or what really happened to Turalyon and Alleria or whoever the fuck. You’re just never going to find out. Either that or you’ll find out somewhere between 4-6 years from now, and at that point the answer’s probably just going to be a giant fucking disappointment anyway.

Meanwhile…the Zandalari. Um…dude, I’ve got enough headaches from the trolls we’ve got, without going out and digging up some more. I mean, fuck, if that’s what I’m going to do, how about I go help Lather-on-us recruit some more fucking hippies into DEHTA and send them an invitation to come hang out in Grommash Hold, and then I can round up some of these goblin mad scientist types and see if they can come up with a way to clone Dontrag and Utvoch, and then how about I log onto Earth Online and try pugging for a couple hours, or until my eyes bleed, whichever comes first (pro tip: smart money takes the under), and then I can put on my snazziest suit and invite Magatha over for afternoon tea. THE FUCK KIND OF OPERATION DO YOU THINK I’M RUNNING HERE?

That said, as much as I’m no fan of trolls, riding around on dinosaurs? THAT’s kind of badass. I might have to see about getting me one of those.

 

That does it for this time. As always, keep those letters coming.

More soon.

 

[Keep the letters coming indeed – because next week the Warchief will be cranking out an extra mailbag for this month! So keep your questions, thoughts, and ramblings coming for next Monday!]

 

Monday mailbag

mailbag1

So if you’re reading this, it means that this pre-scheduled post I had Spazzle rig up for me has kicked in. See, I figured it’d been a while since I dipped into the ol’ mailbag, only I wasn’t sure how long I was going to wind up being tied up with the whole Blackrock Spire business, so I had Spazzle set this thing up so this mailbag post would go up automatically if I didn’t get back by a certain point. Which, if the post has gone up and you’re seeing it, totally raises the perfectly fair question WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE I MEAN SERIOUSLY

ANYWAY.

On to the mail!

 

Dearest warchief,

I have heard of your feats of battle, and wish to know, How did you get so good at fighting? do you have a secret trainer? what’s your favourite move? and lastly, is Gorehowl hard to wield?

I have heard of this daughter of yours, and would like to offer my services as a teacher if you wish. P.S i am a blood elf death knight.

Salamah’ashala noreh, warchief. (Goodbye/farewell)

–Ranacore Bloodblade

Hey, Ranacore, thanks for writing. No secret trainer, no real secret source for my combat badassery in general. Just talent, son, pure talent. A long childhood history of people in Garadar talking shit about my dad didn’t hurt, what with all the opportunities it afforded me to practice kicking ass at an early age.

Favorite move? I’d have to go with the plain ol’ time-honored axe to the face. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way.

Yes and no on the Gorehowl question. See, it’s perfectly balanced – you’ll never find an axe that’s better crafted in terms of distributing its weight and mass to lend itself to generating force while maintaining flexibility. Somebody really did a job and a half designing it. But at the same time…man, that motherfucker is heavy as shit. Which leads to a whole lot of people stumbling over, the first time they try to pick it up.

As for training Shayari, I think I’ve got that covered. Plus, she’s a mage, so I figure most of her training would be out of your area of expertise, seeing as you’re a death knight and all. On the other hand, you’re also a blood elf, so maybe you could show her, I don’t know, some fashion tips or hairstyling techniques, since I think maybe she’s into that shit.

 

Many thanks for the answers Warchief. As an aside, seeing as how you cavorted with the Draenei yourself, would it be presumptuous to look for a little leniency if I hook up with one myself? As a Tauren, the horns and hooves (and hips and tail) are kind of a turn on. I mean c’mon, what’s good for the Warchief should be cool for the rest of us, right?

–Karlsohn, Thunder Bluff

Dude, you think I’m not paying for that one? We all make our iffy decisions, Karlsohn, and some of them come back to haunt you, but only the very, very special ones have birthdays.

 

Greetings Honorable Warchief Hellscream,

We have a small problem in Pandaria: Gnomes. Mainly the dead ones. The Yaungol just love to kill them. I will not deceive you and say that I understand why the Yaungol kill these creatures, let alone roast their bodies. Seriously, it smells like bacon around their camps these days. Many of my Omnia trainees, especially the younger ones just past their Trial of the Red Blossoms, mistake it for actual bacon. It has led to some…uncomfortable moments. I am also no lover of gnomes. They are creepy with their bouncing, unnatural perkiness, and candy colored hair (also, those pigtails? Definitely NOT made of candyfloss. Lao Chin found this out the hard way). At least the Grummles have a use with ferrying supplies to our Monastery! So I ask of you, is there some use for these roasted Gnomes? I thank you for any advice you have to offer.

–Shen Wei Pureblossom, Healer of the Shado-Pan

So…while I’ve been a long-time supporter of the idea that the only good gnome is a dead gnome…roasted gnome? Fuck if I know. Probably the only thing roasted gnomes could have going for them is that they ARE dead – emphatically dead, in fact, like way past the point where someone could come along and raise them as undead gnomes, because CREEPY AS FUCK.

So, on the down side, I don’t really have an answer for you as far as what roasted gnomes are good for. On the plus side, I think we DO have an answer as far as what yaungol are good for.

 

Hail Warchief,

I write to you seeking honest answers regarding our ongoing war with the Alliance and when it will end (as all wars must). Some time ago, my mate Detanga marched off to war as a soldier in your army. She would return home from many a battle with a few scars and some tales to tell our two children.

Just the other day, a grim Blackrock orc shoved her notice of death into my hand.

My heart burns with the desire to track down her killers and tear them apart, but I am a breeder of wolves, not a warrior. I would not last five minutes in battle. Detanga was always the stronger of us two. She served in a unit as part of our initial invasion into this land of Pandaria, but she died while defending our port there, Domination Point, during a cowardly Alliance attack.

I beg of you Warchief, send what forces you can to the Alliance’s port, this so-called Lion’s Landing. I am not the only one on my street to lose family in the attack. The blood of the fallen must be repaid! Know that had I the power, I would take this charge myself, but I am no warrior, as I have said.

Yours faithfully,

–Ogunaro Wolfrunner, Kennel Master

Way to bring the room down, man. Yeesh.

I mean…um… Sorry for your loss, Ogunaro. (By the by, any relation to Shyrka Wolfrunner?) Your mate must have fallen during one of a bunch of Alliance raids on Domination Point a couple months ago. All of them were repelled, but there were heavy losses in some cases – Warlord Bloodhilt among them, in the same raid as your Detanga if I remember right. Know that she died victorious, with honor, driving off our enemies and reminding them one more time what happens when they cross our people.

You’re right, though – they have another reminder coming to them. As it happens, I have Wolf-Rider Gaja, Dark Cleric Laresa, Thauma…um…Thamautu… Them…some blood what’s name is Saresse, and a few others, working on a counterstrike. When we roll over that kiddie-building-block castle they call a fortress, I’ll see to it you have a front-row seat.

Also, unrelated, seeing as you’re a kennel master: Do you have any tips for cleaning, um, wyvern stains? Mortimer’s gotten…well, let’s say, kind of uneven about minding himself. Although it IS kind of funny when he makes Malkorok have to toss out yet another pair of boots.

 

Most Honorable Warchief,

I have been reading your blog in its entirety on the recommendation of a friend from Thunder Bluff (it helps with my downtime as part of the Northrend cleanup crew). I noticed you have a…violent dislike of Magatha Grimtotem. As a Tauren loyal to Thunder Bluff and a former Grimtotem as well, I would offer up my axe at a chance to help you hunt her down. I missed my chance when the crone was in chains in Thousand Needles, but I would not let you down. I had grown disillusioned with her leadership some time before her treachery against Thunder Bluff was known, and when it was…well, that was the straw that broke the kodo’s back.

–Bahunada Darkhide of the Runetotems

PS: Would you mind if she was slightly “tenderized” before being brought before your judgment?

Oh fuck yes. FUCK THE HELL YES. Have at it, Bahunada. (By the way, I don’t know if you were aware of this, but your name is a grade-A bitch to type.) Go track her down in whatever cave she’s slithered into these days, smack her around, and drag her ass in. Feel free to take as many liberties as you want when it comes to the smacking around. I want her alive, mind you, but other than outright killing her, listen to your heart. Remember, “clinging to life” still counts as alive.

Oh, and while you’re at it, if you run into that other fucker Johnny Awesome – you know, the one who fucking LET MAGATHA LOOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE when she was all chained up in Thousand Needles way back when – feel free to open up as many cans of smack-smack-stab-die on HIS ass as you want, too. You’ll note that the whole “bring ’em in alive” thing is totally optional in his case.

 

Lok’tar Warchief!

I took alot of what you said to heart and I’ve been doing those errands all over the place! First I went to Silverpine. It’s really smelly there. Like, worse than the Troll area in the city, but it doesn’t make me giggly like the Troll area does. And it’s all spooky there with all the walking corpses. It’s just not cool. Stonetalon was better, until I met Mr. Dontrag and Mr. Utvoch. They really are kinda stupid, aren’t they? They weren’t as bad as that Tirion guy. First he sat me down for a good two hours to just talk. I kinda tuned him out after the first ten minutes, although I wish I coulda hit him with my shield! I think that Daria lady wouldn’t have liked it, though. His stupid trainees are super weak and lazy too! I think I made one of those elfs cry after smacking them around a bit. Alot of them didn’t stand a chance, although their trainer thought I was a boy! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! He sent me on a bunch of stupid errands his trainees were too lazy or beat up to do. I showed those dumb trainees how a real orc gets things done and what does Tirion do? He starts to rage at me, then thanks me for “rooting out a traitor to the Crusade” or whatever he said. I started tuning it out when he got going again. He also smelled funny, but more like Gamon after he’s kicked out of the inn.

I found my warrior calling too! I really like smacking things with a shield and protecting my fellow orcs! Mostly the shield smacking, though.

Mirembe, Orgrimmar

Hey, Mirembe. Nice work on the warrioring. Especially nice work on the shield bashing. Not really my thing, mind you, but it’s always good to have some tanky types around, especially considering most trainees don’t want to bother with the job when they can just run around blowing shit up, metaphorically or otherwise. I might have to look into getting you an extra goodie bag or something.

It’s good that you’re keeping busy, even if…well, I mean, it sounds like you’ve been mostly surrounding yourself with less than the best company. Not that I’m one to talk. But believe me, I know all too well about the fail that happens when you let the jackass cocktail of Dontrag/Utvoch/Tirion into your life.

I haven’t seen Tirion for a while now – yay for me, sucks for you – but I’m not surprised he’s still yammering on. And I mean “still yammering on” as in still yammering on about whatever bullshit he was saying last time I saw him, months ago, without even coming up for air. And you know, as much as I hate cutting any slack to those Argent Dawn Crusade Talk to the Silver Hand people…like… yeah, I’m sure the trainees up there ARE weak and lazy. They’re probably fucking EXHAUSTED. Wouldn’t YOU be, if you had to listen to Highlord Paragraph all day every day?

As for the Wonder Twins…shit, I don’t even know WHAT D&U would have been doing back in Stonetalon. I mean, they’ve been on detachment down in Pandaria, and they’ve just been in Orgrimmar temporarily while a bunch of us have been back for a check-in, so… I don’t know, maybe they’re up there visiting someone? Do they even have friends? Poor fuckers, if so. Or, I don’t know, maybe they got confused and went right back to their old posts in Stonetalon, because after all, “confused” is pretty much a default state for those two.  t’s not like they’ve been reassigned back to Overlord Cliffwalker where they’d be stuck back up there permanently…and…um…back to being HIS headache, and out of my hair, and…

Um…

Hang on.

I need to go look for a form.

 

As always, keep those letters coming! Next mailbag April 6!  E-mail garrosh1337@gmail.com or submit your message below: