Tag Archives: valley of trials

Dead Peons Society


This morning I tried a little experiment with Gurtash’s training group – which has been coming along pretty well, by the way, when they’re not driving me up the wall being chattery and unfocused. Anyway, I decided to take them down to the Valley of Trials to see how they would do with some of the odds and ends we give to the new would-be adventurers down there. I figured it would give them a little basic low-risk practice to see how they stack up against some of the other newbies, most of whom are still at least a few years older than them.

I was really kind of hoping there would be more combat involved, gotta say. I’m not sure who designed the training program down there, but come the fuck on. I’m pretty sure our soldiers are never going to find themselves in a situation where life and death hinges on their ability to successfully pick cactus apples. Plus in these kids’ case, that wound up leading to a food fight, so there went a good ten minutes trying to get them under control again. And yeah, there were some boars they had to thin out, but seriously…those boars were so weak and pitiful, the kids hardly got any fighting practice from them. Really, somebody would probably have to kill like 65 million of those things in order to actually get anywhere.

But the real kicker was when Foreman Thazz’ril asked them to go around and smack the laziness out of some peons. Which, granted, those guys ARE pretty damn lazy. I mean as much as I complain about how long the goblins have been taking to finish the post-Cataclysm rebuilding in Orgrimmar (which, yes, they STILL haven’t finished, and which, yes, STILL boggles my mind), I don’t even want to THINK about how much longer things would have taken if I’d left that shit for the peons to do. We’d probably all still be sitting around a pile of fucking rocks and tucking ourselves in at night in a cozy little bed of mud and uprooted weeds.

Don’t get fucking excited, trolls – I said WEEDS, not WEED.

Anyway, Thazz’ril asked the kids to go smack the peons around a little and get them off their lazy asses. Only here’s the thing – the kids didn’t know their own strength…so…we ended up having, uh, a couple dead peons. Which, okay, I know I should maybe give a crap about them being dead, but come on. If a fourteen-year-old can walk up and one-shot you, you probably needed to be dead. Just sayin’.

The trainees were a little unnerved by the, y’know, unexpected fatalities, but I tried to play it up as a confidence-builder and told them there would be plenty of others falling before them once they got the chance to do battle for the glory of the Horde. Only not so much falling from people who might have widows who are covered by contract death benefits, because ugh, more paperwork. (I left out that last part with the kids.) That perked them up a lot, so I figured what the hell, why not use this to build some group pride. So next thing you know, my little pack of trainees are calling themselves the Dead Peons Society.

It’s got kind of a ring to it, as long as you don’t think about it too much and realize where it actually comes from. Plus, it even lends itself to a decent abbreviation. When it comes time for me to start sending them out on actual missions, I can totally see myself saying things like “Time to call in the DPS.”

More soon.


Monday mailbag


Short break from the ongoing business in Silithus and Ferelas and Dustwallow and wherever the hell I’m going to end up getting stuck going to next, to answer some mail…


Dear Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde;

I just wanted to thank you for kindly taking the time out of your busy schedule to spread some cheer at the orphanage this Winter’s Veil. The children were so thrilled to meet Greatfather Winter in person and to receive their new toys. There is so little excitement in their daily routine, and they have so very few possessions, that this event made a huge impression on them. Many are still talking about it to this day.

Of course, some of the older children realize that it was not really Greatfather Winter delivering their presents; however, they were quite touched to see that the Warchief himself has not forgotten them, the Horde’s smallest and most vulnerable citizens. I have informed these older children about the existence of your blog, so you may notice a slight increase in your readership.

Thank you once again, and may you have a very happy New Year.

–Orphan Matron Battlewail.

Some of you might have remembered last week that Eitrigg had gotten me to “volunteer” to play Greatfather Winter at the Orgrimmar orphanage (read: he went ahead and fucking told them I was going to do it without actually asking me, then played the honor-your-commitments and set-an-example-for-keeping-your-word-for-the-kids cards on me). A lot of you have probably seen this already, but @_Rades over at Orcish Army Knife somehow managed to get a picture of the spectacle too, so that might be worth a peek if you really don’t want to let me get away with any dignity.

Anyway, though… I guess it’s good that the kids felt like someone was looking out for them, even if a lot of them ARE a bunch of snot-nosed little brats. (And to think Thrall actually wants to be a dad, too… I’ll tell you right now, I am NOT looking forward to playing Uncle Garrosh at those get-togethers.)


Dear Warcheif,

My name is Gurtash, and I’m 13 years old. I live in Orgrimmar at the orphinage. My mom was sick and died after leaving the enterrnment camps. My dad died in battle in Northend fighting scorge. He was very brave and taght me to live with honor. I am going to be a warrior to like my dad and you.

Matron Battlewhale showwed me your blog it is very good. I love wyverns and Mortimer is the best! I seen you fly him before. My dad said I could have wyvern when I’m older but he died. Can i help you take care of Mortimer? I will feed him and brush him and clean his stall and talk to him. Maybe you could give me some sillver for helping or not that’s ok to. Let me know ok. Thanks.

Flying in the sky
Someday I’ll fly as high
Mortimer on the wing
Faster than anything
Loyal to the end
Protecting his friend
So dont start a fight
He will end it right.



Uh oh, here we go. Well, I guess Battlewhale— erm, I mean, Battlewail did warn me.

Wait, this kid’s dad died fighting the Scourge in Northrend? But that would mean…oh crap.

So, Gurtash, I um…yeah, I’m sorry about your folks, but it’s good to hear you want to be a brave warrior of the Horde like your dad. Lucky for you we do have some really good trainers here in Orgrimmar, so make sure you listen to them once you’re a little older and you get to go down to the Valley of Trials. And make sure you eat lots of meat to build your strength. I know a lot of grownups are going to try pushing the vegetables on you, and they’re fine if you can choke them down, I guess, but trust me on this, you’re going to want a lot of protein for muscle. Pork, steak, bacon – dude, you cannot possibly get enough bacon – tastes great and great FOR you! Take it from your Warchief.

Also gotta say, you win points for the epic verse (no caps here because it’s kind of EPIC VERSE! junior edition in this case). Keep up the poetry, and just remember, don’t let anybody give you any crap about it. Somewhere along the line, some smartass is probably going to try to make some wisecracks about you writing poetry, but don’t listen to them. In fact, the best way to handle it is to just let them yammer on, let them take their best shot, and then take YOUR best shot back, ideally by beating the living shit out of them. I mean the living crap. I’m not supposed to say “shit” to you, am I, right? Fuck. DAMMIT, I did it again! Forget both of those. (AND DO NOT TRY ASKING MATRON BATTLEWAIL WHAT THE SECOND ONE MEANS. THAT IS AN ORDER!! Whew.)

Anyway, Gurtash, Mortimer DOES take a lot of time and attention, not that I really mind, but a little help on busy days or when I have to be away from Orgrimmar might be handy, come to think of it. I’ll see about bringing you over to Grommash Hold for a visit and see if we can set something up…just watch the talons until he gets used to you! Seriously. Wyverns are cool and all, but until they decide they can trust you, they don’t take any crap from anyone. If you do a good job with him, who knows, maybe next Winter’s Veil there might be a stray wyvern cub flapping around needing a home. Who knows?


That’s it for today. Tomorrow I’ll have a more newsy post up, since I know a lot of you are just waiting with bated breath to hear what my brilliant idea is about the Twilights.