I mentioned last time about how I had an idea about Gurtash and his… well, let’s be generous and call it “shaky” progress with his warrioring, and how he seemed like he was tensing up under the pressure he was putting on himself. Granted, the pressure he’ll wind up being under in actual combat situation — you know, “fuck up and die” type pressure — is probably going to be a whole lot more than whatever he’s got going on upstairs, but still. One step at a time. There’s only so much I can help him until I get him out of his own head.

So anyhow, I got the idea that what Gurtash really needed was to put up a win for himself without me or Lantresor hovering over him. Something simple where he gets a nice, easy fight with nothing to worry about OTHER than the fight, then come out on top, boost his confidence, and maybe get the damn monkey off his back.

I mean, figuratively speaking. I’m pretty sure we didn’t have any hozen stowing away with us on the trip back from Pandaria.

So, earlier today, when he was taking Grimjaw out for another spin to practice his riding, I gave Gurtash an extra little errand to tend to. While he was making the rounds in Durotar, I told him to keep an eye out for a good-sized boar, then kill it and bring it home. There’s no shortage of wild boars a ways south of Orgrimmar, but none of them are especially big or dangerous. So, we’re looking at a real fish-in-barrel situation. Easy kill, nobody peeking over his shoulder that he needs to concern himself with, then, as an added perk, he gets to head home to Orgrimmar and have a dinner made from his own kill. Nothing tastes better.

Well, some things do. But not when your own kill just so happens to be made of pork chops and bacon. See how I stack the deck?

Still, I did want to get an idea of how the kid managed, even if the win was a foregone conclusion. So I arranged to have a scout and a notetaker follow at a distance to keep an eye on how the kid was doing, then report to me.

And, okay, you got me. When I say “a scout” and “a notetaker,” I’m also using this as an excuse to… you know… give Taktani and Utvoch something to do that doesn’t involve them being in my hair all afternoon. Metaphorically. I figured Tak would be only too happy (“too happy” is sort of her default setting, isn’t it?) to jump at a new scribing assignment, and seeing as Utvoch’s actual RANK is “Scout,” a literal scouting job might actually be something he can handle. Then again, that’s what I thought about him and Dontrag using their cashier characters for actual cashier duty on Earth Online that time, and we all know how that worked out. But I’m trying not to think about that. It’s not good for my blood pressure.

Anyway, though, speaking of Utvoch’s other half, I also let Dontrag tag along on this assignment. Mostly because sending just ONE of them would require me to remember which one of them is which, and fuck if I know. So… Dontrag, Utvoch, and Tak. A real braintrust going on this job. Thank goodness it’s an easy babysitting assignment.

Tak notes incoming. (Spirits help us all.)

(YAY! Mr. Warchief gave me a MISSION! It sounds super important, too! I’m supposed to watch Mr. Gurtash while he goes on HIS mission, only I’m not supposed to let him see me! So I have to be super sneaky! SSSSHHHHH! It’s like I’m a SPY! Maybe I should try to stealth so I can sneak around in the shadows! I AM SHADOW CAT! Hee hee! Only I guess I really shouldn’t stealth, since Mr. D and Mr. U are supposed to come with me — Yay! — and then I might sneak along to watch Mr. Gurtash and then I’ll try to talk to Mr. D and Mr. U, but they won’t be there because they didn’t see me move, and then everyone would be confused and sad. So I guess maybe I shouldn’t do that. Again.

(Mr. Gurtash rode around for a while on his wolfie. His wolfie looks nice, all cute and furry. Mr. D and Mr. U have wolfies, too. I wonder what their names are! I should ask them! I mean ask Mr. D and Mr. U, not ask the wolfies. They probably don’t speak Common or Taur-ahe. Maybe they speak Orcish? They probably only speak wolfie. I bet that would be a fun language to learn! AWOOO!

(I like Mr. D and Mr. U’s wolfies, but they’re not as cute as Mr. Gurtash’s — don’t tell them I said that, though! If you know how to speak wolfie, I mean. I don’t want them to be sad! — but then I guess Mr. Gurtash’s wolfie is still kind of a wolf puppy, and Mr. D and Mr. U’s wolves are all grown up and not as fuzzy.

(Maybe I can get a wolfie friend, too! I guess it would have to be a big wolfie to carry me if I’m in tauren form? We usually ride kodos, and kodos are super nice too but they’re not furry like wolves. Maybe I could just have a wolfie friend who’ll let me ride on his back as a cat? I’m a little smaller that way so maybe that would be lighter for the wolfie. Ooh and since wolfies are kind of like puppies, it would be like a kitty riding a doggy! Dogs and cats living together! Crazy! Hee hee!

(I flew around as a bird most of the time we were following Mr. Gurtash. Mr. D and Mr. U followed on their wolfies from farther away. So I watched Mr. Gurtash from way up high — WHOOSH! hee hee! — and Mr. D and Mr. U watched me. Then Mr. Gurtash rode his wolfie around the rocky place near Razor Hill. Mr. D and Mr. U rode through the town. I circled past it. It looked like there were lots of guards there. It must be very safe! That must be why Mr. Warchief wanted Mr. Gurtash to go on his mission near here.

(After Mr. Gurtash got off his wolfie, I landed near some rocks on the cliffs above him. I could look down at Mr. Gurtash and even hide behind the rocks if he looked this way! Hee hee — being sneaky is fun!

(Mr. D and Mr. U caught up so they could watch Mr. Gurtash too. It took them a little while to climb up to where I was. I forget sometimes that they can’t fly too! It’s a good thing I picked a perch with big rocks — Mr. D and Mr. U need bigger rocks to hide behind than I do! So we stayed there and watched Mr. Gurtash for a little while.)

UTVOCH – Is it clear to look again?

DONTRAG – I think so. He’s got his back to us.

(Mr. U came out from behind the rocks and watched Mr. Gurtash with me and Mr. D again. Mr. Gurtash was fighting a big piggy.)

TAKTANI – Is he doing good?

UTVOCH – He seems okay.

DONTRAG – He’s not going to lose or anything, but he’s handling his axe kind of awkward.

UTVOCH – Was he going for a rend there?

DONTRAG – I’m not sure.

TAKTANI – What’s that?

DONTRAG – Rend? A warrior ability.

UTVOCH – Or a warrior.

DONTRAG – Well, yeah, him too.

TAKTANI – Is he a friend of yours? Maybe I can meet him!

UTVOCH – No, he’s dead now.

TAKTANI – Oh. I’m sorry! =(

UTVOCH – Don’t be. He was kind of a jerk.

DONTRAG – Yeah, really.

UTVOCH – But rend is kind of like rake for you, Tak.

TAKTANI – Ohh!

DONTRAG – Since when do you know druid abilities?

UTVOCH – Donty, I know lots of stuff you don’t know about.

DONTRAG – Whatever you need to tell yourself, Ut.

TAKTANI – The piggy must be really strong. He’s been fighting Mr. Gurtash for a long time!

UTVOCH – That’s mostly because the trainee’s taking a while to wear it down.

DONTRAG – Yeah.

UTVOCH – He looks like he’s a little steadier now than he was.

DONTRAG – Yeah. He’ll kill it, but it’s just taking him a while.

TAKTANI – So he’s winning?

UTVOCH – I guess you could say that.

TAKTANI – Yay! I get to give Mr. Warchief a good report!

DONTRAG – Well, maybe not that good.

UTVOCH – Okay at least.

TAKTANI – This is fun! We should be spies together more!

DONTRAG – Maybe the Warchief will want to send us on more jobs like this if we do a good job?

UTVOCH – Maybe for his other trainees?

DONTRAG – I guess. Wouldn’t it make more sense to spy on the Alliance, though?

TAKTANI – Why?

DONTRAG – Well, because Gurt… Gurtak?

TAKTANI – Mr. Gurtash! I think. (checking my notes) Yes! Mr. Gurtash!

DONTRAG – Okay, so, Gurtash is one of us.

TAKTANI – Yay!

DONTRAG – And the Alliance is the enemy.

TAKTANI – Oh… Why?

DONTRAG – Well, uh, we’re kind of at war with them.

TAKTANI – (blinking) We are?

DONTRAG – Uh, yeah… you didn’t… I mean, nobody told you?

TAKTANI – (shaking head) Nuh uh!

DONTRAG – Oh. Well, um, yeah, we’re at war with the Alliance.

TAKTANI – That doesn’t sound very nice.

DONTRAG – Well, uh… I guess it’s not. But… but there’s honor and glory!

TAKTANI – Ooh that sounds fun! How?!

DONTRAG – From killing enemies of the Horde!

TAKTANI – Killing— that doesn’t sound nice either!

DONTRAG – Well… I guess if… It’s what you do in a war, though! You kill your enemies. And we’re at war with the Alliance.

TAKTANI – Oh. (thinking) Why?

DONTRAG – Because… um… well I guess we just kind of are?

TAKTANI – But that doesn’t sound very nice!

DONTRAG – Well, uh… yeah, I guess. But we’ve kind of always been at war with them.

TAKTANI – (blinking) Like for always always?

DONTRAG – Uh. Well, as far back as I can remember, anyway. Like since before I was born.

TAKTANI – But… but why does everyone want to be fighting? Isn’t it better to be friends?

DONTRAG – Well I guess so, but they don’t like us… you know, the humans and the dwarves and the night elves–

TAKTANI – I thought the elfies were our friends!

DONTRAG – No, those are the blood elves. I think.

TAKTANI – There are different elfies?

DONTRAG – I’m pretty sure, yeah.

TAKTANI – But why?

DONTRAG – I don’t know, I think some of them left because magic or something, and then those elves became the blood elves, like after the undead killed most of them–

TAKTANI – Like Dr. Zombie?!

DONTRAG – No, uh, those were different undead. Sort of. Like I think they all started out as the same undead, and then some of them broke away, and those ones are our undead.

TAKTANI – So there are different zombies too?!

DONTRAG – Yeah, right, so… so there’s our undead, and then there’s the bad undead. Well, um, more bad.

TAKTANI – This is so confusing!

DONTRAG – Yeah, I know. I’m kind of losing track of it a little myself.

TAKTANI – So are the bad zombies with the Alliance?

DONTRAG – No, they’re… they’re off doing their own stuff. Eating brains or whatever.

TAKTANI – Oh.

DONTRAG – But the night elves are.

TAKTANI – They are?

DONTRAG – Yeah.

TAKTANI – But you said the Alliance want to hurt us!

DONTRAG – Well, yeah, they do.

TAKTANI – But I see night elves all the time in Moonglade and they don’t try to hurt me!

DONTRAG – Well… but those are druids, right?

TAKTANI – I think?

DONTRAG – Yeah, I think that’s different.

TAKTANI – (blinks) I don’t understand.

DONTRAG – I mean, I guess druids kind of have their own thing. I think. But mostly the elves don’t like us.

TAKTANI – I don’t understand why we all can’t just be friends!

DONTRAG – I guess. I mean, the humans did kind of put us all in prison camps.

TAKTANI – What?! Who?

DONTRAG – All the orcs, pretty much.

TAKTANI – That’s so mean! Why would they do that to the orcies?

DONTRAG – I guess they were kind of mad about how we invaded from another world and… like… destroyed Stormwind and stuff.

TAKTANI – What?! Why would you do that?!

DONTRAG – Uh, dunno.

UTVOCH – Uh, guys?

DONTRAG – I think it was Garrosh’s dad’s idea or something.

TAKTANI – I don’t think I like these stories.

UTVOCH – Guys? Down here…

(Oops! I guess I got kind of distracted talking to Mr. D! It’s a good thing Mr. U was smart and kept watching Mr. Gurtash while we were talking! I guess Mr. Gurtash did okay with the big piggy he was fighting, but while he was doing that, some mean piggy men saw him and came over to try to hurt him! I remember there were piggy quillboar people like them in Mulgore, too, and they always used to cause trouble for everybody. I didn’t know they come here and try to hurt the orcies, too! OMG are they part of the Alliance too?!

(Oops I got distracted again! Mean silly quillies! But the mean quilly men were trying to hurt Mr. Gurtash — Boo! — and he tried to protect himself but there were three of them and only one of him. And Mr. D and I were busy talking about the war that I still don’t like and it seems really bad and not fun. But Mr. U was still watching and saw what was happening so he ran down to help Mr. Gurtash fight them. Once he was there helping, it didn’t take very long for them to win. At least, I think. Did I mention Mr. D and I weren’t really watching? Oops! But Mr. U won! Yay! He must be very strong to beat all the mean quillies all quick. I’m glad he’s on our side.

(I still don’t like how we have a war, though. It makes me sad. But Mr. Warchief is smart and I bet he’ll think of a way to make it stop!)

So, that’s it for Tak’s report. Actually, strictly speaking, there was three or four more pages of it, but those mostly consisted of pictures of butterflies and some of Tak’s highly nuanced views on ice cream and sugar cookies. So I figure I don’t need to subject everyone to that.

So… maybe not a flying-colors success for this plan. At least the kid had some backup. I mean, I’ve seen the scouting reports on those quillboar near Razor Hill. One of the reasons we’ve mostly left them alone is that they’re actually pretty weak and don’t pose any real threat to the town (Yeah, yeah, I know, some of you might have been told otherwise while you were working your way through Razor Hill on training assignments, but that’s just a little white lie to keep the busyworkers busy). Weak enough that even as a trainee, Gurtash shouldn’t have had that much trouble taking three of them — maybe even four — all by his lonesome.

So… more work to do. Back to the drawing board. I’ll come up with something.

More soon.

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]