Tag Archives: valley of the four winds
Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge: EPIC VERSE live blog
Those of you who were reading the blog last year at this time will remember Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – when, in honor of National Poetry Month, I called upon my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS to give me suggestions for a whole slew of EPIC VERSE masterpieces. You all stepped up to the plate (well, those of you who were here at the time…and for those of you who weren’t, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?), and we had a month full of EPIC VERSE goodness.
This year, as I announced a couple weeks ago, I’m continuing the Poetry Challenge tradition with a live blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s the SECOND ANNUAL Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge – sure to be an annual tradition for years and years to come.
For tonight’s lyrical explosion of spontaneous awesomeness, I’m once again calling on you all to inspire your Warchief. Here’s how this is going to work: when this post goes live, you’re all invited to use the comments to post your ideas and suggestions – you can give topics, themes, characters, turns of phrase, ANYTHING you think might make for a good starting point to give me ideas for what I’m going to write. (Try to keep your suggestions here in the comments, rather than Twitter/Facebook/wherever, so your fellow readers and I can see them all in one place.)
Starting at 8:00 PM EDT, I’ll begin the live blog by adding to this post. At that point, I’ll start composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece (or masterpieces?) based on the suggestions you’ve given. Feel free to keep offering new ideas as we go along – I might incorporate new suggestions into the poem I’m writing, or maybe use them for ANOTHER new poem before the night is out. We’ll just see how it goes. In any case…once the live blog has started, keep refreshing this page. I’ll be adding to the post incrementally as I write, and you’ll get to watch your Warchief’s latest EPIC VERSE composed right before your eyes, in progress.
Kind of like getting to see how the sausage gets made. If the sausage was made from the ground meat of the SUPER AWESOME UBER-BEAST RAISED IN THE PARADISE FIELDS OF GENIUS AND FED A STEADY DIET OF SOLIDIFIED PERFECTION AND BADASSERY.
* * * * *
Okay, kids, the show’s about to begin. I’m going to take a moment and take a look at what we’ve got for suggestions so far, and maybe give the latecomers a minute or two to get their initial suggestions in before I get rolling. Keep the ideas coming as we go, and I may still work them in as I’m able…
Remember, keep refreshing this page to watch the live blog unfold in progress.
* * * * *
The Dontrag and the Utvoch came
To celebrate the season,
And brought such pain to any brain
Imbued with any reason.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch asked
The Warchief for permission
To undertake — for sure, half-baked —
A Noblegarden mission.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch told
The Warchief of their plan:
To gather eggs from hopping legs
That bounced around the land.
The Warchief, for his part, approved,
And told them to proceed.
(He thought, of course, the only source
For this could be felweed.)
The Dontrag and the Utvoch ran
Across the Four-Winds Valley,
And high and low sought eggs to go
Into their final tally.
Then near a burrow, D&U
Saw wrigglin’ and squirmin’,
When to the ground, with mighty bound
Leapt out a giant virmen.
The Dontrag cried, “Move fast, Utvoch!
Don’t let it run off! Grab it!”
For sure, he thought, they had just caught
The Noblegarden Rabbit.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch pounced
And lunged with all their might —
Though in no story was their quarry
Such a daunting height.
They found the Rabbit’s fury one
That not a one surpasses,
So by the end, their hoppy friend
Had badly kicked their asses.
The Warchief, when the pair returned,
Was unsure, sad or funny,
Which best to say, to know that they’d
Been beat on by a bunny.
The Dontrag and the Utvoch mused,
“At least we didn’t die.”
And down they sat on asses fat
And dined on humble pie.
EPIC V—
That was weak.
…
The FUCK? Who the hell is this?!
What, you still don’t recognize me, Hellscream? I thought you were good at spotting me online now.
Wait, don’t tell me this is— Hang on.
SPAZZLE!
What’s up, boss?
The likelihood of me drop-kicking your green ass back to the Lost Isles, for starters.
That’s it. Throw another hissy fit and alienate even more of your own people. That’s a formula for success.
Oh…oh no. Don’t tell me Varian broke into the blog again.
OH I’M TELLING YOU EXACTLY THAT, MOTHERFUCKER
Have you considered anger management classes, by the way?
What the hell happened to the SECURITY thingywhatsises you were supposedly building into the blog, like, FOREVER ago?
Ugh. It must be that wireless connection you have down there. I TOLD you Grizzle didn’t know how to set up a reliable network above the level of aluminum cans and some string.
Goddammit. Well try to get him out of here, will you? I’ve got a live blog to do.
You mean this exhibition of fail? Hah. I couldn’t pass up the chance to look in a watch you make an even bigger jackass of yourself than usual.
Hey, don’t be jealous just because I actually know how to string a few words together, human.
Actually, you know what? Go ahead and be jealous of that. Also of all the fans I have, who’ve turned out to bask in the brilliance (BACK ME UP HERE, PEOPLE). And, oh yeah, of how much smarter and better-looking and all-around more awesome I am.
Hellscream, I haven’t done any writing since I was a kid—
I notice you’re not counting your own blog there.
—but even I could do better than these dimwitted nursery rhymes you’re spewing out.
You know what, asshole? YOU’RE ON. Let’s see what you’ve got.
CUE THE AMBIGUOUSLY THIRD-PERSON LEAD-IN!
* * * * *
EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!
GARROSH HELLSCREAM
VS.
VARIAN WRYNN
BEGIN!
* * * * *
Come on, bring it, Hellscream – hope you’re ready to lose.
I’m pretty sure a basic campfire could rhyme better than you.
I’m the king! The boss! I was born to rule!
Thrall took his Doomhammer and left the orcs with a tool.
While I was ruling orc arenas with my wolf-god-modding
You were a whiny emo bitch busy whining and sobbing.
I’ll crush you, Garrosh, and add it to our duel triple feature
’Cause I’m the High King – you’re just a substitute teacher.
I’ve got no time for your Alliance propaganda,
Gonna beat you down so hard you’re gonna think I’m a panda.
You’re facing Garrosh, Lo’gosh – I was put here to pwn ya.
My dad killed Mannoroth; yours got ganked by Garona.
So the Warchief will pour grief and settle some scores:
I’m taking the lok’tar, all the ogar is yours.
No “either/or” in the fate that you deserved:
Crushed beneath the Horde – AND the one getting served.
Sure, hide in daddy’s shadow – I knew you’d bring up Grom,
I don’t remember that he ever had to use a mana bomb.
You’re on your own now, worried yet? ’Cause your lackeys you’re lackin’ –
You’re not getting bailed out now by your magnataur and kraken.
I’m coming with a gag order, I’ve had more than enough,
You’re so much talk, even your howling axe won’t ever shut up.
You’ve got a skull that’s all tiny, and your jaw’s extra large –
Between your mouth and your brain, I guess that shows who’s in charge.
You’re one to talk jaws, Chin-Boy, yours could carve out a mogu,
I’d call you Scarface but you’ve got no friends to say hello to.
Your scars and fail and ponytail – you’re like Lor’themar Lite.
I’ll bake your pride in lemon squares: here, swallow both in one bite.
You’re defensive, apprehensive; I’m offensive, gone berzerker –
I bet Tiffin cut you off, that’s why you had to screw your workers.
My rhymes are terse and yours are worse, so curse and next time go rehearse,
Now FUCK YOU, VARIAN – that’s
EPIC
fucking
VERSE
<drops mic and walks away like a boss>
…
* * * * *
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC VERSE BATTLES OF AZEROTH!
[Thanks for coming, everyone. More weirdness soon…]
Underground farmer’s market
While I’m waiting to hear from the Reliquary elves on their latest dig site up in Kun-Lai Summit, I decided to have a look around some of the neighboring areas. Before I came to Pandaria, everybody seemed to be going apeshit over the crazy overflowing farmlands here, and since the Valley of the Four Winds is pretty close by, I figured I’d take a trip down there with Malkorok and the DPS trainees to check it out for myself.
It really is a nice area down there, I’ve gotta say. Kind of reminds me of Nagrand, in fact, what with the grassy plains. Most of the region is covered with farms, and let me tell you, the folks writing in to the mailbag WERE NOT KIDDING about the giant vegetables they’ve got going on down here. Which would be a lot more exciting, granted, if they weren’t, y’know, frigging VEGETABLES.
At one point, I was standing in front of this gigantic carrot that was sprouting out of the ground – like, just the exposed part of the carrot was at least twice as tall as me – and I was saying to the kids how I don’t get the point of having giant-size carrots like this, unless they’ve got giant-sized rabbits to feed around here. And yeah, I know I’ve made that joke before, but check it out – no sooner had I said that, than A GIANT-SIZED RABBIT came hopping out of a burrow and jumped us!
Now granted, it’s not like this thing was especially hard for me and the kids to kill. (To tell the truth, the trainees mostly worked on a bunch of smaller rabbits that came bouncing on in during the fight, but hey, practice is practice.) So, on tonight’s menu: giant roast rabbit.
You know, I think I’ve just found a reason why these giant vegetables might be a good thing after all. Big huge vegetables = big huge herbivores = BIG HUGE MEAT.
Hmm. I should probably rephrase that last part. Jaina might see it and get excited.
Anyway, I figured hunting some of the smaller rabbits – which I guess aren’t quite rabbits, but something the pandas call “virmen” – might make for good practice for the trainees, so I spent a little time going into the burrows with them. The kids are coming along…still a little klutzy, but nothing that more reps won’t fix. Malkorok thought we were wasting our time with all the rabbit hunting, but hey, the kids have to start somewhere.
We went around the valley for a while, poking into those burrows when we found them. Then, after a while, we found what I figured was another burrow in the side of a hill – only when we went in, there weren’t any virmen anywhere to be found. The burrow ended up being a tunnel that led pretty far underground, and as we followed it down, eventually we started hearing some kind of activity in the distance, and could see light around the bend. When we finally got to the end of the tunnel…well, check this out. You’re not going to believe this one.
The tunnel opened to a large room, lit by lanterns hanging from the ceiling. All through the room there were rows of workstations set up with computers, and every one of them was manned by a panda. Mostly kids, from the looks of it, if not all kids. They were all busy working on something on the computers and hardly even noticed us when we came in. Then we started wandering up and down the rows and peeking in on what the pandas were all so locked-in on working on.
They were all playing Earth Online.
Wait, did I say “playing”? Not so much PLAYING, as…well…farming dollars in-game. And then some of them seemed to be on the sales end of the business, hanging out in the capital cities and spamming trade chat with their ads. Seems like the ones who were doing that all had a couple pre-set chat-spamming macros with their set announcements. You know the ones…
[Trade] Plz pay attention to the hot news! Happy weekend and all our friends. For customer in celebration old and new, we special offer on dollars! Now only 1000g = $250$dollar !!! Welcome to WWW. dollardollarbillyall .COM !! Come on!
So yeah, THAT’S where all those motherfuckers come from! Messed up, right?
Obviously I wasn’t going to leave THIS little operation going. I tried explaining my low-grade freak-out over it to Malkorok, but he’s not a gamer and doesn’t understand why I waste my time on that stuff anyway, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t really follow when I tried to spell out to him what these people were doing. I think he pretty much stopped trying to grasp it after he got to the “they’re doing something that Garrosh apparently does not like” stage, and recommended we just kill them.
Meanwhile, one of the trainees, this budding shaman named Ruekie, was already working on a less deathy solution: she started going around talking to the panda kids, and found out they were getting paid like 6 copper an hour for this gig. (I know, right?) So then SHE pointed out the (pretty damn modest but way more than 6c/hour) allowance that Horde trainees get paid, and woo boy, did THAT news spread like wildfire through the room.
So, bottom line, within about 20 minutes we had several dozen panda kids asking to sign on as trainees, and bouncing around on their chairs yelling “For the Horde!” once we’d finished signing them up. Burzum, Ishi, and Krimpatul are about to have a whole lot more mentoring work on their hands than they were probably counting on.
And I didn’t even have to offer to let them punch me in the face.
(Fuck you, Varian.)
Monday mailbag
Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered. There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.
So, let’s have at it.
This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:
Dear Warchief,
You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.
F.Y.V.
–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds
Okay, so you know what, Vanicus? That’s just fantastic. Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon. Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around. If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.
One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it. And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.” Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL. Seriously. I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them. And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.
Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area. Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations. It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd. Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean. The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent. Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there? Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?
I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field. So, you know, who am I to criticize?
I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested. I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds. I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming! This was very new and exciting for me. Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture. With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!
I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine. I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here. There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc. I may need to get out of here before I get fat.
–Tandeleina, Halfhill
Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right? Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat? Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing? Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?
Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing. I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there. I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing. Eat, drink, and be merry, right?
Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there? Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE. They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated. I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.
I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent. I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents). Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known. Day by day I continue my research in this area. I believe my findings shall be most profitable.
However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens. I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke. Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:
As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended. Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley. I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.
There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study. For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:
They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain. I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind? So I killed them. The turtles and the mage. Just to be safe.
Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat. Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?
Respectfully Yours,
–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds
Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today? Do you know Tandeleina? Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?
So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables. On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES. Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed. Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something. Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits. Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too? Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone. They’d probably go over like gangbusters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon. And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it. (You trolls wanted more food? WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)
Interesting about the water up there, though. Definitely something to follow up on. I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff. You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples. (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)
What are these “virmen” things, by the way? Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.
This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Oh boy. Here we go again. Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.
TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired. Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.
…The FUCK?! Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?! Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER. I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.
Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself. I hope.
Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.
I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.
Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.” Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.
Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.
Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?
I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.
I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.
Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings. We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.
I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.
D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around. I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.
Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor… Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland. I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do. Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there. That should keep you occupied for a while. (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)
I have made a grave mistake. I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde. I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join. I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine. It was a big mistake. Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover. I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session. I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that. I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.
Eagerly awaiting your answer,
–Windblossom, Stormwind
You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now. And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.
But you know…
Heh.
In this case, I’ve gotta say…
Hehe. Heh heh. Hehehe heh.
Hehe.
Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.
<looks at picture again>
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!
<chucklecrying>
Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom. F.Y.V.!
That’s it for this week, kids. I need to go find a tissue. Holy shit, my sides hurt.
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!
Fuck I love my readers.
<snort>
