Tag Archives: dustwallow marsh
Wherein I get clever and stuff
Okay, back to business.
I’m writing from Brackenwall Village. I just finished a strategy session with Krog, Drazz’Zilb, and Dontrag and Utvoch. By all signs, the Grimtotem here in Dustwallow are still hitting the Stonemaul ogres, and I’ve also gotten confirmation from Orhan Ogreblade that the Grimtotem in Feralas are still active around the Maul. So, that tells us that the Grimtotem still believe that the phylactery is being held by the ogres in one place or the other, and that they haven’t gotten wind of what’s going on in Silithus yet. Which means if we move quickly, we might have an opportunity here.
Here’s the thing: we know the Grimtotem operations in Feralas and Dustwallow were being coordinated by Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe. We also know that those two – along with a couple other high-ranking Grimtotem – are dead now, courtesy of (ugh) Johnny Awesome. And now that Magatha is on the loose again (oh and did I mention DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT FUCK YOU JOHNNY AWESOME FUCK YOU RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS), smart money says she’s going to be keeping a close eye on the search, seeing as the plan most likely came from her in the first place.
We’re going to get her. Keep reading for the nuts and bolts.
I’m having Skarr moved from Stonemaul Hold to Brackenwall Village, where the ogres will hold him until we’re ready to put the plan into motion. Then we’re going to let word slip out to the Grimtotem that we’ve captured a Twilight operative who knows where the phylactery is hidden, and is going to lead us to it. We’ll let them “find out” when and where, and at the set time we’ll even have Skarr transported to the location so there’s every appearance that the hand-off is going to happen. If we play this right, word will get right back to Magatha of what’s going on, and she’ll send her boys to try to intercept the phylactery. What’s more, if I know anything about Magatha – especially now that her main flunkies are out of commission – she’s not going to want to leave anything to chance. With any luck, she’ll come out of hiding herself to personally land the phylactery. And we’ll be waiting for her.
I’ve gone over the plan with Krog and the others, and I think we’ve gotten the final details sorted out. We’re going to let the Grimtotem think that the phylactery is hidden on Alcaz Island, off the Dustwallow coast. First off, it’s a remote spot without much reason for anyone to go to otherwise. Just as important, Drazz’Zilb tells me the island is covered with runes and conjuring circles from the naga mystics there, and so that should make it pretty easy to sell the idea that the phylactery is under some kind of magic lock and key, with Skarr being the only one able to get to it. This way Magatha will figure her best bet is to hit the island when we take Skarr there, rather than trying to get there before us and waste her time trying to track down a phylactery hidden who-knows-where that she can only unlock access to who-knows-how.
Meanwhile Garona will be holding down the fort in Silithus, where our Kor’kron forces will be set in position soon. Patrols already have the Silithus borders covered, so we know the real phylactery is contained. Just a matter of springing the trap there, and this should all finally be over. Still, it’s only a matter of time before word gets out about what’s going on there, so I don’t want to wait on Trap #1 before we set Trap #2. Or vice versa. Whatever. Number the traps in the order that makes you happy. Point is, I want to get the ball rolling on Alcaz Island ASAP. I’m heading back to Orgrimmar now to line up the final details. Updates soon.
Good news and really, really bad news
First the good news.
I just checked in with Krog and Draz’Zilb at Brackenwall Village, and things seem to be lining up on a couple fronts. For one, everything we learned from Skarr seems to check out. Draz’Zilb seems pretty knowledgeable on this kind of creepy black magic type stuff, and according to him it would make sense that C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj would be an ideal place to pull off a resurrection once they have the phylactery. From what he said (if I remember this right – there was a whole lot of hocus-pocus necro-babble), since Cho’gall tried to revive C’thun in that chamber, and actually let himself become an avatar for C’thun at one point, the surrounding area should be attuned to his essence in a way that will help focus the incantation. Apparently that’s the trade-off for this kind of ritual – restoring somebody’s spirit from a non-living vessel doesn’t take a whole lot of magical energy, but it does need something attuned to that particular spirit in order to focus the spell properly, as opposed to living vessels, which I guess actually keep the essence better preserved but require an immense amount of power to unlock. So considering the Twilight ties in Silithus, this lines up pretty ideally for them.
Meanwhile, the misdirection operation in Dustwallow Marsh seems to be working. Draz’Zilb has been putting on some regular pyrotechnic shows both in the village and around the general area, to make it seem like they’re up to something, and we’ve been sending out search parties of ogres and orcs alike to play up the appearance that we’ve got something brewing. The Grimtotem seem to be taking the bait, since attacks on the village have been happening more frequently the last few days. So far so good.
Now for the bad news. And…yeah, I actually can’t believe this one. I have to admit, at this point I can’t say I’m totally unaccustomed to shooting myself in the foot somehow, but OH COME ON.
So, remember a few days ago, when Garona and I met that blood elf guy at the Steam Pools resort? Johnny Awesome? (Yes, really.) Yeah, and remember how he wanted to help out, and do some quests for me personally? And how I sent him off to Thousand Needles or Tanaris to keep him busy?
Yeah, well, guess who I just heard back from.
Lakota Windsong, one of our main tauren operatives in Thousand Needles.
And guess who turned up looking to help, and got sent off on some tasks for Lakota?
Yep, you guessed it. Johnny Awesome.
Oh, and guess who APPARENTLY was also down there in Thousand Needles, unbeknownst to anyone except for Lakota Windsong and a few others who neglected to tell ME for what reason I CANNOT FUCKING IMAGINE, and who APPARENTLY had been captured and was being held by the Twilight’s Hammer cultists down there, that is until one Johnny Awesome happened along and FUCKING HELPED HER ESCAPE and now she’s ON THE LOOSE again??
MAGATHA FUCKING GRIMTOTEM.
…
…
YEAH. YEAH. YOU READ THAT RIGHT.
Excuse me one second.
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TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SEVEN THOUSAND GALLONS OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, DUDE!!!
Oh but wait, you want details? Sure! Absolutely! LET ME GIVE YOU THE FUCKING DETAILS!!!
APPARENTLY, after Magatha got her ass booted out of Thunder Bluff, she went into hiding in Thousand Needles, and when the Twilight’s Hammer started stepping up their activity there, they captured her along with a batch of others. (NICE HOW THEY WERE ABLE TO TRACK HER DOWN RIGHT OFF LIKE THAT, HUH?? YET ANOTHER BANG-UP JOB BY MY CRACK TEAM!) So when Lakota sent Johnny Awesome around to help clean up the Grimtotem mess down there, Magatha started sending messages to the stupid elf to get him to release her pet wind serpent Arikara. Along the way Johnny Awesome also killed Arnak Grimtotem and Isha Gloomaxe, so okay, good news there, since that takes out the braintrust that had been coordinating all the ogre business in Feralas and Dustwallow, but whatever, because along the way, Johnny Awesome ALSO managed to round up a batch of ancient tauren relics – the Writ of History, the Rattle of Bones, and the Drums of War – and ended up fucking handing them OVER to Magatha.
Because, get this, after he’d done all this good work killing off these high-ranking Grimtotem, Johnny Awesome got sent to the Twilight outpost to check up on Magatha…and not only does he fucking HAND OVER THESE RELICS, but he goes out and acquires ANOTHER powerful artifact called the Doomstone…which he ALSO fucking HANDS OVER TO MAGATHA…and THEN, just to finish up, HE FUCKING FREES HER FROM THE TWILIGHTS AND LETS HER SKIP OFF ON HER MERRY FUCKING WAY!!!
I…
It…
He…
SLDKGJSHFGKJSHF GKUSDFJHGKLJSDFHGN KLSJDHFGKSJDH FGKUJSFG HKSERHTGLIKU HTGLISERHGJK,LDLI UGBYHSGITYH EIRGTHLER HGTLIEAHGLJK SADEHGLJKAEHGL JSERGLSELIGU HSGRHSERGHERGH
[Insert vocabulary failure here.]
So, yeah. Before I forget:
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE, FROM YOUR WARCHIEF: Effective immediately, THERE WILL BE A REWARD OF TEN THOUSAND OF ONE MILLION OF MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY COUNT TO BE PAID TO WHOEVER DELIVERS TO GROMMASH HOLD THE MUTILATED (but identifiable) CORPSE OF ONE JOHNNY AWESOME.
(Additional note to Wega and/or Uukra: If it’s you, there might be a dinner date in it for you. Consider it your incentive.)
THAT IS ALL.
P.S.: The FUCK!! AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Conversations with crazy people
So back to business. Now that some of the holiday festivities are behind us, it’s about time I fill you all in on what’s been going on with this whole phylactery business.
Like I was saying a few days ago, after Garona and I captured Skarr we brought him back to Stonemaul Hold and held him for questioning for a while. Good thing is that it ended up not taking too much to get some partial answers out of him. Mokvar was on hand to record the interrogation, so I’ve copied a part below so you can see how things went. I cut out some early stuff with Skarr just being generally crazy before we started getting actual information, but I think you’ll get the idea.
GARONA: I’m not sure we’re getting anywhere. Do you think we should bring in that ogre from Brackenwall?
GARROSH: Draz’Zilb? No, that won’t work here.
GARONA: Why not? It got you what you needed from that Grimtotem.
SKARR: Foolish bulls, cows, grazing in the woods, running around and back and forth, chasing their tails, they look for Skarr, they look, but no, they never find him, stupid cows, never look the right way in front of behind them and see…
GARROSH: First of all, Draz’Zilb’s voodoo mojo thingy was all about forcing the prisoner to come face to face with their greatest fears until they give in just out of self-preservation.
GARONA: So?
GARROSH: You think self-preservation is the way to go with a lunatic? A lunatic working for the Old Gods, for that matter? Either he’s crazy enough to think they’re going to spare him…
SKARR: Preserved, yes, kept for the masters, held for them, alive, alive, need Skarr alive, all of us alive until we all die, die for the masters, die in glory, die in flame, HAHA!
GARROSH: …or he knows he’s going to end up dead. And signed on for it anyway. Either way, we’re not dealing with a normal mind here.
SKARR: Haha, you talk like Skarr not here! Skarr knows! Skarr mind have more than you think, Skarr almost outsmart so smart you think, you think, you…you… <stares>
GARROSH: Besides…Draz’Zilb’s thing will kill him.
SKARR: HAH! Kill! Kill! All around, blackness all, all awaiting. It comes, it comes, crawling, swarming…
GARONA: I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing.
SKARR: Death comes for you all. HAHA!
GARROSH: No. We want this one alive. He’s not just some random foot soldier.
SKARR: Stupid foolish cows.
Garrosh leans in close, staring into Skarr’s face.
GARROSH: There’s something in there.
GARONA: We’ll get it.
Skarr grins wide and lets out a crazed laugh.
GARROSH: But before too long the Twilights are going to know he’s gone missing, and it’s not going to take a whole lot of brain power to figure out where he went. Hell, with all the spies they seem to have, they might already know.
SKARR: Stupid orcses, think you so smart, Skarr outsmart you, almost outsmart and hack and hack and kill in the woods!
GARROSH: Wow he’s proud of that poison move.
GARONA: Sharper than most ogres would think to do, I’ll grant him.
GARROSH: But, point is…if we kill him, they’ll find out quick enough. And then they’ll know we have everything he knew. So we keep him alive.
SKARR: Hold Skarr, yes, yes, keep me close, watching – HAH! – waiting, watching, tick, tock, the hour comes, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…
Garrosh leans in closer, still staring.
GARROSH: Oh, don’t worry, Skarr. You’ll still die eventually.
SKARR: <grin fades> Orc die too. Die in fire! Shadow and flame, tick, tock, the Hour of Twilight comes…
GARROSH: <shakes head> No… See, Skarr, that’s just it. Your big bad hot-shit apocalypse we’re all going to die in? It’s not coming.
Skarr’s face melts into a scowl as he glares at Garrosh in silence.
And you’re going to live just long enough to know that you lost.
Garrosh walks away from the ogre and stands by Garona, both of them watching him intently.
SKARR: <mutters> Tick, tock…
GARROSH: Would be nice if he didn’t just talk in circles, though.
GARONA: That’s fine. Let him talk in circles. That’s good.
SKARR: Yes, yes, round and round, circling spinning, circles closing, closing, always closing in around you…tick, tock, tick…
GARROSH: See? How is that good?
GARONA: Remember, I’ve done my share of interrogations, too. The Twilight’s Hammer…the humans…
SKARR: Stupid stupid foolish cows, chasing, chasing, chasing their tails…
GARONA: Crazy or not, when they talk in circles, you just have to let them keep talking. Let them keep circling. It means they’re circling around what they know. Sooner or later they’ll give you what you want…because they don’t know how to talk about anything else.
SKARR: Skarr know what orcs want.
GARONA: And this one, he wants to tell us.
GARROSH: The what you say?
SKARR: DIE! FLAME AND SHADOW!
GARONA: Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they kept steering it back to the same topics over and over?
GARROSH: I’ve…had the experience.
GARONA: It’s the same idea.
SKARR: Skarr knew you come, he knew…
GARONA: They keep coming back to the things they want to talk about. And especially this one…I bet he’s dying to let it out. Aren’t you, Skarr?
SKARR: Burn and drown and crush and suffocate! HAHAH!
GARROSH: Fuck, how did THIS guy get put on a job like this?
GARONA: Mmhmm, exactly.
GARROSH: Huh?
GARONA: He’s probably never been trusted with something this important before. Have you, Skarr? Just another ogre, a good enough fighter probably, but really nothing special. But then the Twilight’s Hammer comes along…
SKARR: They need Skarr! Skarr knows, Skarr sees…since the Maul…
GARONA: You were there when Cho’gall came to the Maul, weren’t you? Had his gathering with the Gordunni…
SKARR: Skarr look into it…look into nothing, nothing, Skarr know then, Skarr know, nothing all the way down…
Garona steps closer to Skarr, watching his face.
GARONA: He saw something in you, didn’t he? Cho’gall. Ogre to ogre. And he trusted you.
SKARR: All the way down…
GARONA: It must have been a good feeling.
GARROSH: You’re not going to start getting all touchy-feely now, are you?
GARONA: You must have been so…proud.
GARROSH: Because really, it’s not a good look for you.
SKARR: Cho’gall trust Skarr. Cho’gall give Skarr. Give Skarr vision, give Skarr the truth, give Skarr, give Skarr purpose—
GARONA: Gave you the phylactery. And a mission to keep it safe, is that it?
Skarr falls silent.
GARROSH: I don’t get why THIS guy would be the caretaker of something that important, though.
GARONA: Have you SEEN the other ogres?
GARROSH: Yeah, none of them are exactly geniuses, but still, I’m not seeing what’s so different about this one.
SKARR: Skarr BELIEVE.
GARROSH: You believe. Believe what?
GARONA: Don’t you get it? Everything. The whole hopeless crusade… You were the only one who really GOT it, weren’t you, Skarr?
SKARR: Others say. Others pretend. Or tell Cho’gall what they think he want, not listening, never listening, silly brothers, never listen, never seeing, lost in the forest, blind for the trees, fight over ashes in house aflame, fire and shadow, burn and crush and drown—
GARROSH: Fighting in a burning house…
GARONA: The others wanted to get on Cho’gall’s good side as a means to an end – power, riches, rewards. But see? Those are all…well…things of this world. As long as there are still things left in the world that you want, then you still haven’t really given up.
GARROSH: <nodding> He was the only one in the burning house going “Fuck it, let it burn…”
SKARR: Skarr look into nothing and nothing look back…nothing see nothing, nothing see itself, mirrors in mirrors and circles and circles, round and round into nothing…and it was good…
GARONA: Cho’gall wanted to see who had given up.
SKARR: Nothing, nothing, all the way down…
GARROSH: Okay… So I get it, Skarr. The other ogres, yeah, they were busy focusing on what would be in it for them if the Twilights won, and that’s fine for the battleground fodder, right? For your garden variety foot soldiers, you don’t care if they’re just in it for the paycheck…but for the inner circle, you want the people who are all-in, is that it?
SKARR: Cho’gall notice Skarr. Cho’gall remember. Keep in mind, keep in mind…
GARROSH: So when the time came for him to hide the phylactery away, you were the one he went to.
GARONA: The one who was worthy.
GARROSH: So fine. You’re the chosen one. Kudos to you, nice job on the hopeless despair, real feather in your cap there. So what happened to it? If you’re the keeper of this big-fucking-deal trust, what are you doing hiding in a broken-down gnoll village?
SKARR: Stampede the Maul…clatter of hoofs, rattle of swords…
GARROSH: The Grimtotem.
GARONA: It adds up. He was up in Dire Maul at some point, and that’s where the Grimtotem started hitting more of late. It makes sense he would head south to make sure they didn’t find what they were after.
GARROSH: So he high-tailed it down to the Lower Wilds with the phylactery, and…wait a minute. If the Twilights already HAD the damn thing, what’s this whole big production been about? Why have those cultists running around hitting the ogre hot spots like they were looking for something when they already knew where it was?
GARONA: Why are you having our people in Dustwallow carry on like the ogres there might still be holding the phylactery?
GARROSH: I…ah.
GARONA: It’s just a way to keep the Grimtotem busy looking for it, keep them one move behind…
SKARR: <chuckling madly> Chasing their tails, chasing their tails, silly stupid cows…
GARROSH: Just a big misdirect.
GARONA: Mmhmm.
GARROSH: Should I be worried that this cult and I seem to think so much alike?
GARONA: No comment.
GARROSH: Well hang on again, wasn’t the whole point with the Grimtotem that they were trying to find this thing BEFORE the Twilights? How did they even get started on a race to fins something that wasn’t lost?
GARONA: Who knows where the Grimtotem were getting their information? Or exactly how they were putting the details together? Look at it – they could have learned somehow that the Twilight’s Hammer needs the phylactery to bring back Cho’gall. Which they do. And that it’s somewhere among the ogres. Which is was. Beyond that, who knows? There’s a million ways they could have gotten the details twisted around, mistaken it being hidden for being lost…
GARROSH: So where is it now?
Garrosh and Garona both turn to Skarr.
WHERE. IS IT. NOW?
SKARR: <chuckles> Safe.
GARROSH: Well it sure as hell isn’t in that camp you were staying at, I know that much. We turned the place upside down after we got your fat ass under wraps.
SKARR: Not matter, not matter, what you do with Skarr not matter, Skarr do his job, Skarr… What happen now…not in Skarr’s hands.
GARONA: They have it.
GARROSH: Is that it, you big ball of crazy? You finished your end of the job keeping it safe, and you handed it off to the cult? Pass it along then stay behind to make sure it looks like there’s still a search on while everybody else spins their wheels?
SKARR: Tick, tock, tick—
GARROSH: <pummel>
SKARR: <silenced>
GARROSH: KNOCK IT OFF with the idiot tick-tock bullshit.
SKARR: Sliding sands through the glass, through the hourglass, slipping away…
GARROSH: And that goes for whatever other time-passing metaphors you’ve got up your sleeve!
SKARR: Sands passing, sands sliding, slipping, sifting, sifting, shifting sands, shifting, sifting, si—
GARROSH: So help me, ogre—
GARONA: Wait, wait, I think I get it.
GARROSH: Oh. Yeah. Of course. Why didn’t I realize you could speak fluent crazy?
GARONA: I’m SERIOUS. The sands. It’s not a random time metaphor there just to taunt you.
GARROSH: What then?
GARONA: And by the way, since when is “metaphor” a part of your vocabulary, anyway?
GARROSH: Keeping on track, please?
GARONA: Well I’m just saying, metaphors? You?
GARROSH: Why do people keep talking like I’m some kind of illiterate moron? I DO write poetry on the side—
GARONA: You do? Poetry?
GARROSH: —so you’ll EXCUSE me if I actually managed to pick up a literary device here and there, okay?
GARONA: Do you write a lot of poetry?
GARROSH: Can you PLEASE stay focused? The sand thing isn’t a metaphor, fine, and yes I know what the fuck a metaphor is, stop the presses, big fucking deal, so what IS it? And so help me, if you get smart as say it’s a simile—
GARONA: Is that the one with “like” or “as”?
GARROSH: Really not the point.
GARONA: I’m just wondering, I always get those mixed up. Metaphors are the ones without “like” or “as,” right? And similes are with “like” or “as”?
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake. YES, fine, similes use “like” or “as”, are you happy now? HERE, just to illustrate the fucking point: “I would really LIKE to get out of this conversation AS soon AS possible,” can we fucking move on please?
GARONA: That really doesn’t sound like a simile.
GARROSH: <rubbing head> You were actually doing pretty okay today, you really were.
SKARR: Circling, circling, round and round, endless wailing, endless darkness, darkness dying souls…
GARROSH: Right there with you, Skarr.
GARONA: And what’s that supposed to mean?
GARROSH: How about we focus on what something ELSE is supposed to mean, like say, I don’t know, the fucking thing about the sands which apparently aren’t going through the hourglass, and…oh fuck, wait, is it the Caverns of Time? Sands of the hourglass sounds like of Nozdormu-y, is that it?
GARONA: I just said it wasn’t a metaphor.
GARROSH: Well technically, that would be pretty literal, not a metaphor.
GARONA: How would that be literal?
GARROSH: Um, he was referring to sands passing through an hourglass, and that’s time, and those are the Caverns of Time, where all kinds of timey whimey stuff goes down – I’m not sure how much more literal you can get than that.
GARONA: Yes, I get the connection, but an hourglass is still a metaphor for time in that context, isn’t it?
GARROSH: If you really want to split hairs, I suppose, but it’s more kind of a dead metaphor.
GARONA: A dead metaphor?
GARROSH: You heard me.
GARONA: What the hell is that? I think you’re making this stuff up now.
GARROSH: I’m not making anything up, it just so happens I’ve read a fucking book or two in my life, is there a problem with that?
GARONA: And besides, why would they send the phylactery to the Caverns of Time? How does that make any sense at all? The place is crawling with bronze dragons who are on our side.
GARROSH: Well then what’s YOUR answer, little Miss Brainstorm?
GARONA: Although I suppose it’s not that big of a stretch, since there’s also that whole thing about sand, and there is a lot of sand in Tanaris, and in a roundabout way that’s kind of—
SKARR: It’s Silithus! For N’Zoth’s sake, it’s fucking SILITHUS! FUCK! Twilight agents picked up the phylactery, and they’re delivering it to SILITHUS, okay? Can you just SHUT UP now?!
GARONA: See! SEE?! I knew it! I KNEW it was Silithus!
GARROSH: I think you’re really overlooking the most illuminating part of that little outburst.
GARONA: Because, you see, the Twilight’s Hammer has always had a presence there, and then there’s the reference to “shifting sands”…
GARROSH: No, really, you want to step back and look at the bigger picture here.
SKARR: In order to carry out the resurrection, they need the residual energies from C’thun’s chamber in Ahn’Qiraj to focus the spell. It’s where Cho’gall tried to restore C’thun to this world, and the place is attuned to his spirit as a result…
GARONA: And see, even the words he was using – shifting, sliding, slipping, sifting, Silithus!
GARROSH: Right, it’s Silithus, we get it.
GARONA: I’m just saying, it’s exactly what I thought it was!
GARROSH: Yeah, good for you, that’s great.
GARONA: I could have told you, too, if you’d have let me get a word in edgewise.
GARROSH: I…what?
GARONA: Instead of going on about what a big literary expert you’re supposed to be.
GARROSH: I never said I was—
GARONA: You’ll notice who actually managed to read between the lines and figure out what was going on here, though.
GARROSH: I SAID good job.
GARONA: Yes, but there was a tone.
GARROSH: There was not a tone.
GARONA: I picked up a tone.
GARROSH: I think I would know if I had a tone!
GARONA: Because you’re such an unparalleled master of language, is that it?
GARROSH: For fuck’s sake, here we go again.
GARONA: I need to see this poetry of yours, by the way.
SKARR: Is she always like this?
After this point I was heading back to Orgrimmar for Winter’s Veil stuff, which came in handy since it let me put a little distance between me and Garona, who let me tell you, dialed it up to eleven after the way things finished up with Skarr. Meanwhile she’s gone ahead to Silithus to start chasing down the Twilights. I’ll be heading down soon myself. With any luck we can make some quick progress before the Twilights piece together that something is up.
The story so far
I don’t know what’s wrong with you people. Everybody seemed overjoyed to see the kind of bullshit agony I had to endure the other day with Garona and Johnny Awesome and all the rest of it. Fuck, if I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe you people didn’t love your Warchief!
Anyway, Garona and I are getting ready to head off to go looking for that ogre Skarr, but while I’m getting squared away here at the inn, I thought I’d take care of some blog stuff. For one, I know the last couple days I’ve been getting a batch of new readers, between the Twitter feed and getting links passed around, so I figured it might be a good idea to try to catch up any newcomers to the blog.
First of all, if you ARE new, welcome! Lok’tar! Good to have you here. Unless you’re Alliance. In which case, DAMN YOU TO THE NETHER, FUCKERS. But meh, keep reading. What the hell.
Second, Spazzle recently added an About page to the blog, with some general info and background type stuff for anyone new. I know he usually tries to be good about setting up my posts with links to older ones that are relevant for background, but y’know, he’s just a goblin, so I’m sure he misses some stuff here and there. Also along those lines, I figured this might be a good time to step back and run through what’s been going on for our many new readers, seeing as this ogre business has been unfolding for a while:
A few weeks back, Grimtotem raiders in Dustwallow Marsh and Feralas started attacking ogres. I could care less about the Gordunni ogres, mind you, but it was a much bigger deal that they were also hitting the Stonemaul ogres too, who have been allied with the Horde for a while.
I sent Dontrag and Utvoch to Brackenwall Village to help Krog with his investigation. Using some…um…pro bait-and-trapping, the bunch of them were able to capture a Grimtotem raider, and interrogated him with help from me and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb. Wait, what am I talking about, “with help from”? They hardly did a damn thing during the interrogation. It was pretty much all me and Draz’Zilb.
Anyway, Draz’Zilb used some FUCKING SCARY-ASS voodoo mojo shit on the Grimtotem, and we got the story. The Grimtotem discovered that the Twilight’s Hammer want to use an ogre relic to resurrect Cho’gall. Apparently, while he was holding a gathering of ogres in Feralas a few months back, Cho’gall imbued a phylactery with his spirit (or part of it, or whatever…don’t ask me how this raise-the-dead stuff works…personally I’m getting sick of all the “Bastion of Twilight was just a setback” bullshit already). Now the Twilights are trying to find the phylactery, and the Grimtotem are trying to beat them to it. According to the prisoner, they believe if they find it first, they can cut some kind of deal with the Twilights to regain their lost holdings.
The Twilight’s Hammer believe one of the ogre clans in Feralas or Dustwallow have the phylactery, so the Grimtotem have been raiding the Gordunni and Stonemaul ogres to try to track it down. High-ranking members of the tribe have been sent to both areas to coordinate, but if you ask me this whole plan has Magatha written all over it.
We know the Stonemaul ogres don’t have the phylactery, but we’re letting the Grimtotem keep thinking they might so they keep their attention divided. Meanwhile, I recalled Garona Halforcen from Twilight Highlands, and she and I headed out to Feralas to investigate. I got some information from a Twilight’s Hammer cultist in the southern ogre camps, and Garona confirmed the story from a Twilight run-in of her own up at Dire Maul: the main Twilight contact in the area is an ogre named Skarr, who’s taken up hiding somewhere in the Lower Wilds.
Garona and I met up at the Steam Pools to compare notes and plan our next step. We also met this blood elf named Johnny Awesome while we were there, which was good for comic relief, if by “comic relief” you mean “makes you want to stick a sharp stick through your eye, into your brain, and swirl it around.” Now we’re about to split up to go after Skarr. With any luck we can find him and get more pieces to fall into place.
So…that’s where we stand now. Next time you hear from me, odds are I’ll be out in the Feralas wilds somewhere trying to track down Skarr. In the meantime, a little nugget to hold everyone over:
There once was a blood elf named Johnny,
Who thought himself ever so bonny.
To get him off my hands
I sent him to Ghostlands
Where he could annoy the Amani.
EPIC VERSE!
Updates soon. Stay tuned.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
So here’s the plan
Or the beginning of it, anyway. We know that the Grimtotem are hunting down ogres in Dustwallow Marsh and Feralas to try to find the phylactery of Cho’gall. Obviously, we have to make sure they don’t get it.
Since we pretty much know that the Stonemaul ogres don’t have it (see, it helps when half the equation is on your payroll!), we’re going to focus on Feralas. Hopefully the fact that we can eliminate half the possible locations of the phylactery will help us get a jump on the Grimtotem and the Twilight’s Hammer in finding it. Anyway, Garona is heading up to Dire Maul as we speak to scour the place and see if she can find any leads. Meanwhile, I’m going to be flying down to the southern Gordunni ogre camps to see what I can find there.
While all this is going on, I’m keeping Krog and Dontrag and Utvoch working in Dustwallow on a decoy project. Right now, as far as we know, the Grimtotem still think that the Stonemaul ogres might have the phylactery, and the longer we keep them wasting time and energy barking up that tree, the better for all of us. So I’m having the gang at Brackenwall putting up the appearance that our ogres really might have the thingamajig. Apparently Draz’Zilb has some kind of hocus-pocus he can do to help along those lines. I didn’t ask him for details, because honestly, dude is a scary motherfucker, so yeah.
For the time being we’re going to try to keep this job limited to the inner circle who are already in the know, so we can keep a limit on how quickly word of all this gets around. Last thing we need is for the Grimtotem or Twilight’s Hammer to be tipped off to what we’re doing.
Come to think of it, though, if I really wanted to keep a lid on all this, I probably shouldn’t have been blogging about it at length all this time. Including this installment right here. Oops. Oh well. Hey there, water, the bridge says hi and bye from above.
Mortimer’s ready to go. More updates soon.
Magatha
Garona’s on her way from Twilight Highlands to be briefed on the whole situation with the ogres and the Grimtotem and the Twilight’s Hammer and the WTF. From what I’m told all she really needed to hear was “Cho’gall” and she was already packing. Gotta say, if we do nip this Cho’gall thing in the bud, I really hope she doesn’t go all Maiev-post-mortem-Illidan on us. She’s high-maintenance enough as it is, let me tell you. Anyway, she should be here soon, so we can get to work on the Cho’gall problem, assuming we keep enough mood-balancing potions on hand. (Seriously, you have no idea.)
Thing is, though, I’ve been thinking about what the Grimtotem told us in Brackenwall. And I just realized – he said that the Dustwallow Grimtotem were put on the ogres by Isha Gloomaxe, and the Feralas Grimtotem were being directed by Arnak Grimtotem…and we know they’re two of the highest-ranking members of the whole Grimtotem tribe. Which means, if there’s some scheme in the works, and the two of them are out coordinating, smart money says there’s only one place the overall plan could have come from.
Magatha.
And yeah, don’t get me started.
You know what? Never mind. I’m already started.
Look, I know people say I can be pretty cranky at times. And I’m not going to deny I’ve got a temper. There are lots of things that irritate me and a lot of people that piss me off. I’ve got no use for gnomes, and I think we’ve established how I feel about humans. Doubly so for a lot of specific humans – I’m looking right at you, Varian (also: fuck you), and I’m not too crazy about Tirion or Rhonin, either. Even closer to home, Vol’jin annoys the living shit out of me, and I still say Sylvanas desperately needs someone to take her down a peg or two to knock her off her snooty pedestal. But for all of my ranting, the list of people I really, truly, profoundly HATE is actually a pretty short one.
I hate Magatha Grimtotem.
It’s not just that she played me for a fool and basically turned me into a weapon to use against Cairne. It’s not even just her betrayal of her own people, plotting against her chieftain and throwing the entire tauren civilization into turmoil. It’s partly those things, but even those are small potatoes.
It’s that she robbed us. Cheated us. All of us – of so many things, on so many levels. She robbed us in ways that are so complicated, and overlap so much, I’m not even sure I can untangle them all. But here we go…Eitrigg told me forever ago that this blog might be helpful for hashing things like this, so it’s time to see if he was right.
She robbed the tauren of one of their greatest leaders. Hell, she robbed the HORDE of one of its greatest leaders. She robbed Baine of a father. She cheated all of us out of whatever time we would otherwise have had with him by our side.
Not to mention that she robbed me of my honor. My mak’gora duel with Cairne was meant to be honorable combat, two evenly matched warriors, armed with a single weapon and nothing else. By poisoning my blade, she put a shadow over me and forced me to spend the rest of my days hearing questions whispered behind my back about treachery and deceit and dishonor. Cairne’s death will haunt me for as long as I live. I wrote this to Magatha herself once when she called on me for aid: I deserved to fight Cairne honorably, to win or lose on my own merits. If I died, so be it. An honorable death is far better than a tainted victory. But this? What glory is there in defeating an opponent through trickery? In standing over a weakened, dying body that should still be battling strongly?
Because here’s the part that will never stop eating at me. You guys are all friends, so I guess I may as well come out and say it, because it’s not like it isn’t something you already know if you were there for the duel.
Before the poison took effect, Cairne was beating me. And I mean badly. I’m not going to try to dance around it at all – that old tauren was absolutely handing me my ass. I was just barely keeping it together when I landed the glancing blow that poisoned him. And then the venom kicked in. And that was it. There’s no two ways about it: if something hadn’t weakened him, there’s absolutely no way I was going to pull a comeback.
I should be dead. And Cairne should be Warchief.
And right there is the worst of the ways that she robbed us. She didn’t just deprive the Horde of one of its wisest voices. She robbed us of our rightful leader. The point of the mak’gora is “victory to the strongest”…and she managed to turn that on its head. (Hell, it’s like if someone rigged one of those Earth Online competitions for faction leader so that one guy won the contest, but the other guy got to be leader on a technicality or something.) And so now, every crisis we come to, we’re forced to face it without the leadership that Cairne would have provided. It’s one reason why, to be totally honest with you, many times when I’ve been faced with a decision, I try to think of what Cairne would have done in my place. (Not often enough, if I’m really honest.) Because on a really basic level, I feel like I’m serving as Warchief in his stead – serving out HIS term.
And all of this because of Magatha. And now she’s finding new and better ways to betray us all.
She duped me into killing one of the greatest among us, a man I admired and didn’t even want to fight in the first place. She stood right there and watched me do it, then had the gall to think I should be grateful to her for it. And if I ever find her, she’s going to have a front-row seat for what happens when I get my hands on someone I utterly, violently DESPISE.
And on the off chance you’re reading this, Magatha, this is the part where you run. Keep running. Don’t ever stop.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
They couldn’t have just been bored and jerkish…
Okay, so now I’m getting worried.
I’ve spent the day in Brackenwall Village with Krog, Dontrag and Utvoch, and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb, all working on getting some information from the Grimtotem prisoner. Things really weren’t going anywhere for the longest time…I’ll give this Grimtotem credit, he had a really strong will, and even after I was giving him a pretty sound beating, he wouldn’t make so much as a peep. Or a moo, I guess.
This was another one of those cases where I don’t want to lose any details, so I had Mokvar come with me to Brackenwall so he can keep a transcript of the interrogation. Glad I had him go train up inscription, gotta say. So, here’s the record of the session, at least after the first couple hours of me smacking the fucker around without much gain…
GARROSH: Okay, so you know, as much as I’m enjoying beating on this guy, I don’t think it’s really getting us anywhere.
KROG: Maybe we just need more knives? I’m pretty fond of knives myself.
GARROSH: Better than a good sound barefisted thrashing?
KROG: Oh yeah, a good clean stab can be way satisfying. Knives and daggers, either way.
GARROSH: Well yeah, but you’re a rogue. That doesn’t help us with this.
KROG: What do you mean?
GARROSH: You’ll just end up stun-locking him. It doesn’t do us any good at all if we’re just keeping him silenced.
DONTRAG: Rest assured, great Warchief, we shall find ways to make him talk!
UTVOCH: Or a great inconceivable agony will await him!
DONTRAG: Far greater than his worst imaginings!
GARROSH: THESE two, on the other hand…
UTVOCH: What about us, Warchief?
GARROSH: Never mind.
KROG: <chortle>
DONTRAG: No, really.
UTVOCH: Maybe just let it go, Dontrag?
DONTRAG: I just want to understand what the Warchief is talking about.
GARROSH: Yeah, good luck there.
KROG: <snort>
DONTRAG: As you say, sir…
KROG: Seriously, where did you find these two?
GARROSH: Stuck in a mine in Stonetalon.
UTVOCH: Where we carried out our duty for the Horde most proudly!
DONTRAG: For the glory of the Horde! For the glory of Hellscream!
KROG: Yeah, I’m sure.
GARROSH: Well they were helpful at the time. Kind of.
KROG: Yeah, thanks for getting them involved with this.
GARROSH: Would you rather be working on this with just a bunch of ogres helping you?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…
GARROSH: No offense, Draz’Zilb.
KROG: Actually, I’m not sure I’m seeing the improvement.
GARROSH: Oh come on. OGRES?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um, I’m standing RIGHT HERE.
GARROSH: Did you miss the “no offense” part?
DONTRAG: I did not, Warchief!
UTVOCH: Indeed and verily, nor did I, oh great—
GARROSH: Not YOU, for FUCK’S sake.
KROG: See what I mean?
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, whatever.
DRAZ’ZILB: Chief Hellscream, not to interrupt, but I believe I may have a method that may facilitate the extrication of vital intelligence from our captive.
GARROSH: Look, he’s being uncooperative enough, there’s no point in making him stupid too so he can’t even understand what I’m asking him.
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…no. What I mean, great Chief, is I may have a spell I can use to force the information from him, willingly or not.
GARROSH: Well why didn’t you say so? Hell, for that matter, why didn’t you guys do this before I had to fly all the way down here?
DRAZ’ZILB: The incantation required a number of reagents, Chief. Some helpful adventurers only just delivered them a short while ago.
GARROSH: Good, so— wait, you actually needed that shit? Like the “go get seven of these and nine of those” that we always send those noobs around to collect? You mean you actually sent the volunteer errand boys out to do something that was really important?
DRAZ’ZILB: Why…would I occupy others’ valuable time on tasks that were not of some genuine vital interest to us, great Chief?
GARROSH: <blink> …Shit, you ogres have a lot to learn.
UTVOCH: I know a good place they could go for extension courses, if they—
GARROSH: SHUT UP, YOU.
UTVOCH: Yes sir.
DONTRAG: Stop interrupting the Warchief, for goodness’ sake!
GARROSH: The same goes for you!
DONTRAG: Yes sir.
UTVOCH: Apologies, sir.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir, much ap—
GARROSH: Okay, SERIOUSLY, BOTH of you, the next word of our either of your mouths had better be NOTHING, because otherwise, the SECOND word out of your mouths is going to be “OUCH, MY HEAD!” You understand?!
DONTRAG: …
UTVOCH: …
KROG: <chortle> This is awesome.
GARROSH: <pummel>
KROG: OUCH, MY HEAD!!
DRAZ’ZILB: Begging your pardon, Chief Hellscream, but is this…a typical day for you and your lieutenants?
GARROSH: <looks down> <long pause> Yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: I…see.
GARROSH: …Yeah.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I resume my elaboration, Chief, or does the moment dictate a further prolonging of the awkward lull?
GARROSH: Okay, I’m fairly sure I recognized SOME of the words in there.
UTVOCH: The extension course DOES include a very excellent vocabulary building unit, if it please the Warchief, begging your pardon, sir, and hoping I might be spared a harsh inconceivable pummeling of—
DONTRAG: <shakes head>
GARROSH: <pummel>
UTVOCH: OWW!! Yes sir, re-shutting up…
KROG: <chortle>
GARROSH: <glare>
KROG: <hand clamps on mouth>
GARROSH: Draz’Zilb, would you please finish what you were saying before I have to fucking kill everyone in the room?
DRAZ’ZILB: Of course, Chief. As I was saying, I know of a very potent incantation, the reagents for which have just presently come into my possession. With it, I suspect we might loosen the reluctant lips of our Grimtotem prisoner.
GARROSH: Is it some kind of truth serum or something?
DRAZ’ZILB: Not at all, nothing quite so invasive. At least not in such a manner. No, good Chief, the spell I speak of executes a separation of the subject’s spirit from his body, leaving him highly susceptible to…coercion.
GARROSH: Well, that sounds okay, but he’s been pretty resistant to “coercion” so far, and it’s not like I’m a rookie when it comes to beating an answer out of someone.
DRAZ’ZILB: True, he’s proven to be remarkably strong-willed. But this is a different matter altogether. One can steel oneself against the pains of the body, great Chief; the body is fleeting and corporeal, and a strong mind can divest itself of the fear for its well-being. But the spirit…touch upon it directly, play upon the proper strings, and no mind can resist indefinitely. Eventually…one reaches a point of necessity. There is, for each of us, a breaking point, a fear so fundamental to our souls that if faced with it, we MUST escape it, regardless the cost. It is no longer a matter of strength or courage or power of will; it is a matter of need.
GARROSH: That’s…just evil.
KROG: I’m liking this guy.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I proceed, great Chief?
GARROSH: So we’re going to be seeing this guy’s deepest fear, is that it?
DRAZ’ZILB: Nothing quite so crude, Chief Hellscream, nor quite as dramatic. It is a process of the mind, and as such, it will be perceived solely by his mind. All we will witness is the shadow of his spirit as it is…extracted.
GARROSH: Well get extracting, then.
DRAZ’ZILB: As you wish, Chief.
Draz’Zilb begins the incantation, and the Grimtotem raider’s body goes stiff and freezes in place. A shadowy outline of the tauren floats up from his body and hovers in the air nearby.
KROG: Kinda like one of those shadow priest body double thingies.
DONTRAG: Should we stun him before he has a chance to hit dispers— OUCH!!
GARROSH: SHUT. UP.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then, here we are… As you can see, my Grimtotem friend, your situation grows a bit more, shall we say, tenuous.
The Grimtotem shade floats higher in the air and appears to look around apprehensively, limbs reaching in different directions as if trying to control its movement.
DRAZ’ZILB: Please, do try all you wish to remove yourself from your current position. It merely expends mental energy while I secure my hold on you. If anything, I thank you for your aid.
GARROSH: Is it working?
DRAZ’ZILB: Quite. Now then, something simple to start. What is your name, Grimtotem?
The shade glares at Draz’Zilb silently.
GARROSH: You’re sure about that, dude?
DRAZ’ZILB: <chuckles> Oh good. Even after hearing us discussing matters, he still needs to be…persuaded. I was hoping he would.
Draz’Zilb waves his staff, and shadowy tendrils of magic force swirl around the Grimtotem spirit. The shade lurches back and forth, looking about frantically, limbs flailing with greater urgency.
DRAZ’ZILB: There…that seems to be helping. But….just to be sure…
Draz’Zilb reaches for additional reagents and tosses them about his staff. He gestures toward the Grimtotem again, whose movements become more jerky and exaggerated, then grow slower as the shade’s form shrinks back.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then…your name.
The shade’s mouth opens. After a long pause, it speaks in an echoing, timid voice.
GRIMTOTEM: Karthag… My name is Karthag Stonehoof.
DRAZ’ZILB: Much better. And you are one of the Grimtotem operating out of Blackhoof Village, is that correct?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: You see, Chief, he can be reasonable. <chuckle>
GARROSH: Dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.
KROG: Think maybe we could bring him in for some of our Alliance prisoners?
GARROSH: Later.
KROG: Just sayin’.
GARROSH: Okay, let’s get back to the point. Let’s find out what he knows about the attacks.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed. What was the purpose of your raid on our village, Karthag?
The shade shudders in place, then cowers with a pained moan.
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, this IS a strong one. Here, then…
Draz’Zilb sprinkles some dust around the Grimtotem’s body, then waves his staff again. The shadow cries out in terror, then cowers silently, trembling.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall we try that again? The objective of your attack?
GRIMTOTEM: We…we are looking for an ogre relic…
DONTRAG: Ogre relic?
UTVOCH: Zounds!
KROG: What?
GARROSH: PEANUT GALLERY, SHUT IT.
DRAZ’ZILB: An ogre relic? Strange that I wouldn’t know of any such thing, being as I am an ogre myself. What is this relic you’re seeking? What do you want with it?
GRIMTOTEM: It isn’t us that want something with it. It’s…it’s the Twilight’s Hammer.
GARROSH: The FUCK he says?
DRAZ’ZILB: Yes, the fuck you sa— erm, that is, what do you mean? Why would the Twilight’s Hammer have an interest in an ogre artifact?
GRIMTOTEM: We…our leaders learned that the Twilight’s Hammer are seeking the relic, and we think it’s most likely in the hands of one of the ogre clans.
DRAZ’ZILB: According to whom? Where is this coming from?
GRIMTOTEM: Isha Gloomaxe arrived in Blackhoof Village with the news. She said we needed to hunt down as many of the ogres as we can, until we find the relic or confirm it’s not in Dustwallow.
DRAZ’ZILB: Is this what’s happening in Feralas as well? The reason behind the attacks there on the Gordunni?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes… Arnak Grimtotem himself was dispatched to oversee the search there, at least that’s what Isha told us…
GARROSH: I’m not liking the sound of this.
DRAZ’ZILB: But why? What is it for? What IS this relic?
GRIMTOTEM: It’s…a magic vessel… Some…some months ago, Cho’gall held a gathering of ogres in Dire Maul. The Twilight’s Hammer believe he had the relic forged while he was there.
GARROSH: Yeah, I’m liking this even less.
GRIMTOTEM: The relic is a phylactery…the phylactery of Cho’gall. They believe…he bound a portion of his spirit to it. They want to use it to resurrect Cho’gall.
KROG: Oh fuck.
GARROSH: Hang on, what the fuck. That’s all well and shitty by itself, but what the hell do the fucking GRIMTOTEM want with it?
DRAZ’ZILB: A fine question, good Chief. A fine answer to follow, I’m sure. Well, Karthag? What interest DO the Grimtotem have in such a thing?
DONTRAG: Maybe they’re trying to stop the Twilight’s Hammer?
UTVOCH: Maybe they think they can use it to preserve their own leaders?
KROG: Maybe you guys should shut the fuck up?
DRAZ’ZILB: Maybe we should let the spirit answer the question before I run out of reagents here?
GRIMTOTEM: We…don’t have a use for it. Bringing back Cho’gall doesn’t matter to us. But…we know that the Twilight Hammer wants it…and so if we can find it first…
GARROSH: You can cut a deal with them.
DRAZ’ZILB: Surely you don’t think they can be trusted. They want to destroy the world!
GRIMTOTEM: Our world…is already destroyed. We’ve become outcasts of the Horde…our attempts to forge a truce with the Alliance have crumbled… We have precious few allies to turn to anymore. And the hope is, if we can give the Twilight’s Hammer Cho’gall, they may help us regain some of what we’ve lost.
GARROSH: You’re insane. I seriously don’t know which of you is more crazy, the Grimtotem or the Twilights.
DRAZ’ZILB: What’s the next move for you? Where are your people striking next?
GRIMTOTEM: I don’t know…very few of us ever knew more than our next mission… I just know what we’re looking for, but beyond that…
KROG: Is he lying? To cover for them?
DRAZ’ZILB: Unlikely. His spirit is broken enough at this point…I don’t think he has anything else for us.
GARROSH: It was enough.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed.
Draz’Zilb chuckles and waves his staff again. The shade shudders violently, then dissipates into the air in a burst of shadow magic. Karthag’s body seizes up, then collapses limply to the ground, lifeless.
GARROSH: The FUCK, dude?!
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, I’m sorry, did I not tell you about that part? My apologies. The procedure does come, eventually, at the expense of the subject’s life. Spirits are so terribly hard to reintegrate into bodies once they’ve been extracted, after all…
KROG: Seriously, Alliance prisoners. Really, really look into it.
I can’t even tell you how pissed off I am about this. How is this going on, and the GRIMTOTEM are able to put it together before WE do? What am I paying my undercover agents for, anyway?! Isn’t this EXACTLY the kind of shit that they’re supposed to be digging up for me?
Obviously this is bad news in a major way. I like to bust Thrall’s balls, but he actually has been breaking his ass trying to come up with a way to get the Deathwing situation under control, and the LAST thing we need is a wild card like Cho’gall to get thrown back into the mix this late in the game. I’ve got to get this shit under control. And fast.
Stay tuned for updates. Meanwhile, I’m dispatching messengers to Twilight Highlands tonight. Sorry if it upsets you, Wega – I’m calling in Garona.
“Could you keep it down, please? I’m trying to be unsettlingly evil in here.”
Monday mailbag
I’m writing this from Brackenwall Village. (Thank goodness Spazzle set me up with some kind of why-fly doohicky that lets me still access the blog from out here, because believe you me, the ogres aren’t exactly pimped out when it comes to computer resources.) I’ve been in Dustwallow for a bit, but so far I haven’t had the chance to get working on the Grimtotem prisoner. Not long after I arrived, a Grimtotem raiding party attacked the village, so we were pretty busy fighting them off.
(Or, rather, most of the others here were pretty busy standing around watching in awe while I fought them off. Gotta admit, I do have kind of a thing for killing Grimtotem.)
Anyway, as you might imagine, that didn’t go so well for them. Still, it ate up a whole lot of time, and right now Dontrag and Utvoch are leading scouting parties to try to track down the survivors. Once they get back, and Krog and the ogres are done shoring up the defenses (we’re probably going to step up patrols just to be safe), we can get back to work.
In the meantime I figured I could take care of this week’s mailbag. Just a couple letters this week, but they’re pretty good ones. The first one, in fact, wasn’t even sent to me directly, but was posted online as a sort of open letter, and I thought it might be fitting for me to offer an open response. Here’s a short excerpt:
On behalf of myself and my co-workers Thathung and Grimful, I, Wabang, would like to announce that we are laying down our axes in peaceful protest, to formally ask you to give us back our former jobs as proud Orgrimmar Auctioneers.
I know when you became Warchief you thought you were doing us a favor by “freeing us” from what you called boring, tedious bookkeeper jobs. We could see how happy you were when you told us that we could finally don our armor and brandish our axes like the proud orc warriors we were, and not be stuck behind a desk any longer.
We appreciate the gesture, Warchief. We really do. It’s just that…well…we kind of liked being Auctioneers.
…
You may not realize this, but Thathung, Grimful and myself chose to be Auctioneers. We were not forced into it. We all carefully studied and honed our arithmetic to be able to perform an Auctioneer’s speedy calculations, and as you are no doubt aware, private tutoring by the Blood Elves is not cheap. Now that we have lost our jobs as Auctioneers, we can no longer afford to pay our outstanding debts, and the Grand Magister gets rather nasty/polymorphy when he is not paid.
This is just a small snippet of the original letter, which I’d really highly recommend everyone going and reading in full. In fact, go do that now. I’ll wait.
You done? Wait, no? The hell, dude? Go read it.
No, seriously.
I’m waiting.
…
Okay, that’s better. Now on with business.
And yeah, hoo boy, here we go. Look, Wabang, I understand that you’re not thrilled with the arrangement. To tell you the truth, I’m not so happy about it myself. That is, you’re right on the one hand – all things being equal, I’d rather have orcs like you and Thathung and Grimful fighting like the orcish soldiers that you are, and it DOES make sense to have the goblins tending to things like the auction house and the bank, what with them being a whole lot less useful on the battlefield. But I also hate to have you guys pushed out of the jobs that you liked.
I’m not going to try to hide behind it being some deal we cut. Sure, Thrall was the one who made arrangements with Gallywix to bring the Bilgewater Cartel into the Horde, but first of all, he didn’t make him any special promises as far as jobs or privileges the goblins would be getting, and second and more importantly, really, even if he did, I wouldn’t give two shits about pissing off Gallywix. It’s fucking GALLYWIX, for fuck’s sake – if anything the thought of annoying him is a bonus.
So here’s what it comes down to: right now in Orgrimmar, we’ve got way more people than we have jobs to keep them occupied. The sudden influx of goblins didn’t help matters. People like to give me grief over the slums that we’ve got in Orgrimmar right now, but contrary to what they might tell you, that wasn’t by design. It’s just reality – after the Cataclysm, frankly, we only had so many resources to do so much rebuilding, and some part of town was going to end up getting the short end of the stick. And when it came time to divvy up the areas, yeah, the least desirable part of town got left to the latest arrivals. Well, them and the trolls. But I don’t need to go on about them. (Side note: if the goblins and trolls are going to complain about their slum, have them take a look over in the Valley of Wisdom. Not my fault if the tauren in Thunder Bluff were willing to send their people extra resources to pretty the place up.)
But more to the point…here were the goblins, stuck in the low-rent district without much in the way of belongings, and pretty much no jobs to do. The one thing they’re good at collectively is business. So into the auction house and bank they went…thing is, though, those auctioneers aren’t really raking it in as much as you might think. Because they’re actually not working just for themselves. That was part of their contract, in fact. They’re actually in there working, pretty much, on behalf of the majority of the goblins over in the slums. Whatever they’re making is getting channeled back over to that part of town to keep the whole cartel stocked with whatever they need. And don’t think for a minute that it doesn’t pain the goblins to have to keep their heads above water through a system that you could pretty reasonably describe as “redistribution of wealth.”
And here’s the ugly truth of it, too, Wabang. The goblins as a group needed something. But just as important…you guys CAN do something else. Frankly, they can’t. So – as I’m sure you’ll appreciate given your training – it really just comes down to the math.
Here’s one other thing, too. While hiring the goblins to run the auction house makes sense in some ways, I have to admit I still don’t trust them entirely. Not least of all because of Gallywix, but I mean, also, come on, they’re goblins. (I don’t want to be getting any texts over that one, Spazzle.) And along those lines…I do think that you might have taken your assignment a little too much at face value. I mean…when I told you I wanted you to keep an eye on the auction house, Wabang, yeah, you were being assigned to stand guard…but like…I also want you to keep an eye on it, if you see what I mean. Because…you know…just sayin’…if someone were to catch the goblins doing something sketchy, skimming money off the top that they’re not supposed to, pulling a fast one on some of the higher-priced Firelands loot…well, believe you me, I wouldn’t be reluctant at all to reevaluate the current staffing situation.
Now, who would I put in charge of watching out for stuff like that? Spirits know I wouldn’t be able to catch something like that – have you seen the attic in Grommash Hold? I can barely keep my own junk organized. So what would we need to catch any shady business? Hmm, well, someone with an extensive mathematical background, a sharp financial mind, someone who already knows the ins and outs of a pretty complicated system so they can spot abuses and loopholes…but if I were going to give someone a job like that, I couldn’t be obvious about it. Say what you want about the goblins, but they’re not idiots. If I stick a bookkeeper right next to them and tell them they’re going to be having their every move watched, they’re sure as hell going to make sure that they either don’t do anything sketchy at all, or they go to MUCH greater lengths to keep it covered. So the way to do it would be to plant someone with the appropriate skills nearby, keep them in a position to keep a close watch, but in a role that would still make sense for them (say, I don’t know, an orcish grunt) in an assignment that would be justified (like, oh what the hell, an armed guard watching over a room full of valuables).
Just food for thought, Wabang. Hang in there and we’ll see what else we can do to help make life a little smoother for you guys.
During my tours of duty with the Horde Medical Corps, I have noticed some … puzzling behavior. Something just isn’t quite right with the Warsong Clan.
I understand what the Frostwolves are all about: kicking Dwarf butt from one end of the valley to the other, then showing them the exit. And I understand what the Defilers are up to: capturing resources for our use, and/or denying them to the Alliance. (Either one works.) I get what the Kor’Kron are doing on the Isle of Conquest. Most of our field armies have sensible, understandable goals.
Then, I arrive at Warsong Gulch.
I follow a couple of Horde soldiers, and we infiltrate the Sentinels’ stronghold. We make our way to the center, I’m thinking to take out their commander. But no, they snatch the flag, and bolt. We promptly retire to Warsong Hold, and then one of them taunts the Silverwing from our parapets.
It was about this time that I realized that the Silverwing were trying to do exactly the same thing to us.
No one was gathering resources, or preventing the enemy from doing the same. No one was trying to interfere with the enemy’s command and control. Seemingly, it was all about grabbing flags and talking smack.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t care. But now they’ve got the Dragonmaw doing it, too. Have they both gone nuts? Or am I missing something obvious?
–A Concerned Citizen
See, ACC, this is what happens when people totally lose sight of their history. The whole flag-capturing deal in Warsong Gulch actually did make sense once upon a time, but after a few years, and some serious turnover in the personnel there (on both sides, apparently), it seems like nobody remembers the point of it all. This is actually a classic case of what happens when people blindly go through the motions without bothering to learn the reasons why.
So, a teachable moment from Garrosh! Lucky you!
So okay. Once upon a time, when Grommash was chieftain of the Warsong Clan, and Horde and Alliance were both going balls-to-the-wall to try to gain control of Ashenvale and its resources, both sides would have regular air drops of supplies. Armaments, explosives, rations, everything. Sometimes even heavy equipment, as we started to become able to bring in zeppelins for supply runs. With the airships we have these days, I’m sure you can see the possibilities.
Anyway, though, if you’ve ever flown over Ashenvale, you also know how bloody impossible is can be to see where anything is down there. It’s nothing but dense forest as far as you can see in every direction (dense forest that’s been fucking dipped in glitter, no less), and even in the areas that have been cleared out, there’s still a lot of visual interference that would make it hard to target those air drops properly. So way back in the beginning, both sides would use flags to mark the drop sites for their couriers. One side or the other would have a spot marked, wyverns or hippogryphs would fly on in, spot the flag, drop the goods, boom. With all the back and forth between the two battling sides, too, the flag system just made more sense, because by the time the supplies were airborne, the battle lines could have shifted, one side or the other could have lost control of one of their bases…it just made sense as a way of signaling where a secure spot would be.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone had the bright idea that hey, if we could go steal one of the Silverwing’s flags, we could stop them from getting the supplies they need. What’s more, if we bring THEIR flag back over to an area that WE control, we could trick the Alliance couriers into delivering their supplies to US instead! So, double win! So from that point, the Warsong Outrunners would launch regular raids to try to steal the Silverwing flags. Eventually, the Silverwing caught on and started doing the same. At that point, it became a much bigger deal to keep control of our own flag, too – there’s not much benefit in stealing their flag to get their supplies, after all, if they’ve gotten our flag to steal OUR supplies, right? That’s just a wash. Hell, it might even be a loss – whose supplies do you think are going to be better, theirs or ours? Horde pride, bitches! Lok’tar!
So all of this actually made sense. But apparently, somewhere along the line, both sides started losing sight of the actual reason behind the strategy, and just started fixating on the flag-stealing thing. Which…is really kind of sad, when you think of it. I might have to look into assigning some new leadership up there, so our forces can actually have some remote fucking notion of what they’re doing again.
As for the Dragonmaw…you’ve got me. I might have to take this up with Warlord Zaela again. (Even money on whether she’ll use the occasion to start flirting with me again. Which I’m sure will set off a whole other mailbag.)
News from Feralas, no news from Dustwallow
A few quick updates on the ogre situation.
Orhan Ogreblade reports that Grimtotem activity in Feralas has shifted. They’re still making frequent attacks on the Gordunni ogres, but apparently they’re becoming more focused. The ogre outpost in the hills north of Camp Mojache has pretty much been wiped out (now maybe the goblins can go dig up their own damn ore what with the coast being clear), but they’ve pretty much stopped attacking the southern camps. From what we can tell, nearly all their efforts now are being focused on the ogres around Dire Maul.
Meanwhile, the Grimtotem raider that Krog and company are holding down in Brackenwall hasn’t provided much information just yet. Krog’s been working on his interrogation, but so far not much luck. I know Dontrag and Utvoch have been trying to help Krog with the questioning, so I told Krog that maybe he wants to try doing it with D&U somewhere else, because don’t get me wrong, I like those two, they’re dedicated soldiers, and spirits know they mean well, but I’m pretty sure there’s some law of physics that says there’s a finite number of words that you can pack into a single room. And having those two nearby has got to burn through your quota awfully damn fast.
Otherwise, I’m not sure exactly how Krog is approaching the interrogation, but I’m concerned that he might be trying to be a little too white hat about the whole thing. I told him the old saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…point being, maybe he should cover the Grimtotem guy with honey, then tie him down in one of those areas in the swamp that’s swarming with giant flies. That might get him talking a little faster.
See, this is why I need to be in charge. My creative approach to problem-solving. You’ve got to think outside the box. And then put your enemies in the box, and light it on fire.
Which is why, by the way, I’ve decided that I need to take a more hands-on approach to all this. No more sending grunts to do a Warchief’s job. I’m flying down to Dustwallow to take charge of the interrogation myself. And this Grimtotem dude better start talking quick, because I can tell you one thing, I’m not the guy you want to talk to if you’re looking for a little extra slack for the Grimtotem.
Taking off as soon as Mortimer is done with brunch. Updates to follow.
Maybe this will start getting us some answers
New update from Dustwallow. I just got word from Brackenwall that our forces have captured a Grimtotem raider involved in the ogre attacks. As it turns out, Krog, Dontrag, and Utvoch were able to lay a trap to lure some Grimtotem out, with the help one of the Stonemaul ogres, name of Ogron. I guess Ogron used to stand watch on the activities of Paval Reethe and other Theramore humans, but ever since Reethe’s death he hasn’t had a whole lot to do, but he just kept hanging out in the swamp out of habit pretty much…so it was easy enough to use him to lure some Grimtotem out for an attack, because hey, lone, unattended ogre.
Except, of course, he wasn’t unattended. Krog, Dontrag, and Utvoch were all standing under cover, and apparently D&U had some elaborate plan for how to spring the trap once some Grimtotem showed up, involving smoke bombs and goblin gadgets and tar traps and some shit like that. Only when the Grimtotem attacked, D&U got too busy bickering over the details of the trap, and totally got themselves distracted from what was going on, and meanwhile Ogron was getting beaten like a rented mule (really not sure if that’s more sad or more funny), so Krog just came out and ambushed them. He managed to kill three Grimtotem by himself, and get the last one running – all of this while Dontrag and Utvoch are still arguing like an old married couple, mind you – and finally Krog ended up chasing him until the raider tripped on branch and went flying smack into one of D&U’s tar traps. Which they couldn’t have been more pleased about, once they noticed.
So I guess it all worked out in the end. He would have gotten away if it wasn’t for those meddling orcs, or some such.
So, they’ve brought the raider back to Brackenwall village for questioning. We might have Draz’Zilb do some kind of magic mojo to help Krog and company get him talking. With any luck we’ll start getting some answers about what’s going on with the Grimtotem.
