Tag Archives: epic verse
Ask a stupid question
So, yeah, I know it’s been a while since I updated. I ended up being really, REALLY busy on Earth Online for a while, so whenever I got done with all my dailies, I was too damn tired to worry about blogging. The worst part of the grind is over now, though, so I should be able to be a little better about updating here.
So speaking of blog matters, there’s a site that some of you probably know about called Klout that tries to measure how influential people are online (to questionable degrees of success). You get a score out of 100, and people can give you these kinda-sorta thumbs-ups for topics you’re supposedly an expert on. And I guess they have some other ways of gauging topics where people consider you “influential.”
So for instance, the Klout people think I’m influential when it comes to blogging, poetry, and comedy. (No word on why “kicking ass,” “being fucking awesome,” and “lemon squares” didn’t make this list.) I don’t know where the comedy part comes from, unless they’re talking about the supporting cast I’m stuck with, and even then I’d consider them more of a tragedy than a comedy, personally. But whatever, I guess that’s their point of view. Comedy is the tragedy that happens to someone else, and tragedy is the comedy that happens to you.
Anyway, I recently got a notice from the Klout people that because of my expertise (damn right, show the proper respect, bitches), I was eligible to answer questions from other Klout users. So when I opened up my page, I had a bunch of trial questions to answer, in Tweet-ish short answer form. And so I figured, I can’t deprive you all of the wisdom I imparted here. So here, copy-and-pasted directly from my submissions on the site…
How should I get started blogging?
First, find a goblin who has a lot of free time and tell him he’s going to set the site up for you because it would be a shame if there was a major fire in the Bilgewater slums. No, you can’t have my goblin, get your own. Then sit your ass down and start typing. When you run out of ideas, stop.
Are there any blogging resources you would recommend?
Yes. Again, you definitely want to have a tech goblin working for you who can set up the site and maintain it and explain nerdy technical shit like deleting. Because the last thing you want is to get stuck having to sit at a computer all day. Again, no, you can’t have mine.
Which blog host site do you prefer and why?
Not that one. I hear it sucks.
What advice can you give someone who wants to make money blogging?
You can make money blogging? That’s fucking news to me! My only suggestion is that no matter how awesome your content is, you absolutely, positively cannot be drawing on somebody else’s intellectual property. Then again, that would be pretty fucking lame in the first place, so, you know.
How can I tell if my content is funny?
Ask yourself this question: Do people laugh at you a lot? If no, I have bad news for you. If yes, ask yourself this follow-up question: When they laugh at you, were you trying to make them laugh? If yes, you’re probably funny. If no…well…hello, Utvoch.
What subject matter should I write my poetry about?
Well for one, you could write about how you don’t end a sentence with a preposition. Whatever you do, don’t try writing poetry about telling Varian Wrynn to go fuck himself, because I’m telling you right now, I’ve got that shit covered.
Yes, I actually submitted all these. Why do you ask?
I have not yet received a notification from the Klout people to thank me for my insight and confirm that my answers would be posted with all due haste. But I’m guessing they’ve just been busy on Earth Online too and I’ll be hearing from them soon enough.
While I’ve got everyone’s attention, though, and while we’re on the subject of poetry, let me remind everyone that the Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge LIVE BLOG will be tomorrow night, April 14. I’ll put up a setup post that evening asking for you all to give me suggestions for EPIC VERSE topics and themes, and start time for the live blog will be 8:00 PM EDT. I’ll be composing a new EPIC VERSE masterpiece based on the suggestions you all make that night, and you’ll get to watch it being composed line by line, live and in person. BE THERE OR BE PREPARED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YEARS FROM NOW WHEN THEY COME TO YOU LIKE “GRANDMA, WTF?!”
Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge revisted
So, with the calendar about to roll over into April, you know what that means – National Poetry Month!
And you know what National Poetry Month means – Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge!
For those of you who weren’t reading the blog at this time last year…well, first of all, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? But, letting that slide for the moment (but JUST for the moment, so don’t get too comfy), let me explain. Last year, in honor of National Poetry month, I stepped up to the plate to crank out a month’s worth of EPIC VERSE, all inspired by reader suggestions. The poems were kind of a mixed bag – which is to say, they were varying degrees of SPECTACULAR FREAKING GENIUS. Just as you would expect from your Warchief. Locks in Socks seemed to go over pretty well, for one.
Anyway. I want to do another poetry challenge this year to commemorate the month, but I also want to mix it up a little and not just repeat what I did last year. Plus, there’s so much going on around here what with the Alliance and the mogu and the Divine Bell, I don’t know if I can spare the time to set aside two days a week for poetry. BRILLIANT THOUGH IT IS.
So here’s this year’s plan. I’m still going to be offering up some EPIC VERSE drawing on reader suggestions, but this time around, I’m going to go about it a little differently. Hold on to your ass for this one.
Two words: live blogging.
That’s right, I’m going to live blog EPIC VERSE, and you’re all invited to watch it being composed right before your eyes, line by line. Or couplet by couplet…stanza by…oh, fuck it, you’ll get to see it being written incrementally in SOME configuration depending on what I come up with at the time, okay?!
So here’s how this is going to work. Two weeks from today – SUNDAY, APRIL 14 – I’ll put up a post in the early evening to set the stage for the live blog. Everyone will be invited to leave comments on that post with EPIC VERSE suggestions. It could be a topic, a theme, a character you’d like to see, a turn of phrase – anything you can come up with that will give me something to work with and get the ol’ creative juices flowing. Then, at 8 PM EST, I’ll start the live blog, and you’ll be able to see what I come up with as I compose my newest masterpiece live before your eyes, based on at least one, possibly more, of your suggestions.
Remember, save your ideas for the big night – don’t post your suggestions now, because part of the point of it all is to see what I can come up with when I get your ideas dropped on me that night with no time to prepare. Otherwise, though…be thinking of ideas, and clear your schedule on the night of April 14 – EPIC VERSE AWAITS.
Don’t say I never gave you anything
It’s been a while since I treated you all to a little EPIC VERSE, so here, a little tidbit to help fill the horrible void of your futile lives of not being me:
There once was a human whose parryin’
Couldn’t hold back the axe that I’m carryin’;
To flee from a beating
He ran off retreating,
To which I’ll just say: Fuck you, Varian.
EPIC VERSE!
Oh and hey, don’t forget to vote on Krog’s ongoing investigation in Pandaria — I’ll be sending new orders off to him soon.
It’s a celebration, bitches!
We took our time marching back to Orgrimmar from the glowing crater that used to be Theramore. Most of the way, Baine and Vol’jin sulked and moped like somebody had killed the family pet, but overall the troops were in good spirits, to say the least. And then, when we finally approached Orgrimmar, morale took an even greater turn for the better.
Outside the city, people were gathered to greet us. Hundreds – maybe thousands – of citizens of every race, gathered at the front gate and all across the Dranosh’ar Blockade, waving, cheering, crying out to us as we approached. They were gathered so densely that we couldn’t even get in the gate when we finally reached it. It was like the hero’s welcome we received on our victorious return from Northrend – only better. More raucous. More jubilant. More hopeful for the glorious future for the Horde that we could all feel dawning.
The crowd chanted my name as I sat on my worg at the gate. They wouldn’t stop until I finally called for them to listen while I told the tale of our triumph. When I finished, they burst into another spontaneous chant: “Death to the Alliance!”
Music to my ears. Almost enough to full the hollow ache that’s nagged at me since Northwatch.
On the way back to Orgrimmar, I sent orders to Captain Gharga and the fleet at Theramore for the next stage of our plan. The fleet will spread around the continent and form a blockade around all remaining Alliance ports: Lor’danel, Feathermoon Stronghold, Rut’theran Village, Azuremyst Isle. They’ll all be sealed off from outside support and then, one by one, we’ll move in and pick them apart, until finally, Kalimdor will belong to the Horde and the Horde alone.
But that will be a victory for the future. The NEAR future, make no mistake, but the future nonetheless. For today, we have another victory to celebrate.
I’ve ordered six days of festivities in Orgrimmar to commemorate what I know will prove to be the turning point in the history of the Horde. All of our warriors are instructed to remain in Durotar for the length of the celebration, and I’ll be issuing individual summons for all those I’ll be expecting to stay in Orgrimmar proper. Six days of celebrations – raptor fights for our entertainment, sparring contests with generous prizes funded personally by yours truly, food and drink for all. As it happens, our return home coincides almost perfectly with Brewfest, so all the better – beer and grog from around the world! Tap every keg in sight, boys and girls, and let the ale flow – all on your Warchief’s tab. Let it wash down the feasts – and oh, man, will there ever be feasts. All accompanied by lok’tras and lok’vadnods by the best of our bards and poets.
And you know what that means. Oh yeah.
Jaina, are you shattered
Over Theramore, all splattered?
Towns, by sleight of hand, you
Can’t just conjure up, now can you?
If not, tough – no QQ’in’,
You’re just stuck now ruling ruins.
Of course, that would assume
You weren’t blown up when things went boom;
Chance you’re grieving now decreases
If you’re smashed to little pieces!
But whether live or dead you lie,
Now you’ll weep and you’ll know why:
Orcish destiny restored,
All opposed fall to the Horde!
Tis the blight humans were born for,
The Alliance that you mourn for.
EPIC VERSE!
Enjoy it, Horde. Soak it in. You’ve earned it.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Tangerine trees and marmalade skies
So…didn’t get around to posting when I got back in yesterday. I wound up sleeping in late here at Warsong Hold, and I’m actually a little fuzzy as far as what happened after my last post from the DEHTA camp.
Mokvar was supposed to come meet me here in Northrend, but he wound up getting held up by some business back in Orgrimmar. Luckily, Saurfang had his own in-house scribe on hand to keep a record. See for yourself.
Scene: High Overlord’s Command Room, Warsong Hold
[High Overlord SAURFANG paces back and forth, dictating to ADELENE SUNLACE, Inscription Trainer and personal scribe.]
SAURFANG
…and so, Chieftain Icemist, with the Scourge thwarted and the Nerubian threat contained, I believe the time is right for us to begin the long-overdue work of reclaiming the lost settlements of your taunka brethren and securing them under the banner of the Horde. I look forward to our continued correspondence. Honor go with us all—
RAZGOR
[From outside.]
High Overlord!
TO’BOR
[Outside]
Make way, mon! We be coming’ t’rough!
[Enter OVERLORD RAZGOR, Executive Officer of Warsong Hold, and WIND MASTER TO’BOR, propping up a staggering WARCHIEF GARROSH HELLSCREAM between them. The Warchief’s personal wyvern wanders in behind them.]
GARROSH
HA! Oh man, watch that last step, it’s a bitch! HAHA!
SAURFANG
Warchief! Men, what’s happening here?
TO’BOR
Da Warchief came flyin’ in on his wyvern, sir, an’ done come down unsteady on the landin’ platform. He tumbled right offa da wyvern an’ stumbled over to da wall, an’ fell right over da edge, mon!
RAZGOR
I saw him come in from the ground, High Overlord. The Warchief would have been badly hurt at the least, if the wyvern hadn’t swooped down and broken his fall.
SAURFANG
Thank the spirits for that much. Are you all right, Warchief?
[Garrosh peers back at the High Overlord quizzically for a long moment, then breaks into a wide grin.]
GARROSH
You’re like, all pruney and shit, you know that, Saurfang? HAHAHA!
SAURFANG
Well, he appears to be in good spirits, at the very least.
RAZGOR
Yes, sir.
TO’BOR
His eyes be lookin’ all bloodshot, dough, sir. Mon.
SAURFANG
So I noticed. I believe you men can release him, in any case.
[Razgor and To’bor release their grips on Garrosh, who stumbles forward, looks around, then starts to teeter to either side with his arms flailing around at his sides.]
RAZGOR
Whoa, hold on!
TO’BOR
Whoopsie-daisy-mon!
[They catch Garrosh again and steady him, then carefully let him go again. The wyvern walks up close to Garrosh and leans against him lightly on one side.]
SAURFANG
To’bor, if you would, why don’t you escort the Warchief’s animal to the stables.
TO’BOR
Yessir. Mon.
[To’bor grasps the wyvern’s harness and tries to pull it toward the side hall. The wyvern doesn’t budge, and after several tugs of increasing force from To’bor, it snarls at To’bor and snaps at him, forcing him to jump back.]
TO’BOR
Okay den, now we jus’ got to show da wyvern who da boss here!
[To’bor grabs at the wyvern by the scruff of its neck and tries to pull it toward the floor. As he does so, the wyvern spins its body in the opposite direction, yanking him over it; while he is disoriented, the wyvern grabs the hood of his cloak in its teeth, flings him onto the floor on his back, and pins him in place with one paw pressed firmly on his chest.]
GARROSH
HAH! That’s awesome! That’s it, Mortimer, show ’im who’s the alpha up in his bitch! Hahahaheeeeee… [Snorts.]
[To’bor struggles to get out from under the wyvern’s paw without much success.]
SAURFANG
So, then…Warchief…since you are…well…
GARROSH
Varok, buddy, I’m fuckin’ fantastic. [Chuckles uncontrollably.]
SAURFANG
Yes, I see…
GARROSH
[Continuously laughing while talking.]
Va-rok, Vaaaa-rok…hey, do people ever call you Rokky? Haha…because they totally should! You look like you could be a Rokky, dude.
SAURFANG
[Sighs.]
Warchief, listen to me very carefully. While you were at the D.E.H.T.A. camp, did anyone, by chance, offer you a brownie?
GARROSH
Haha, dude, who DIDN’T offer me a brownie? And, and let me tell you, Rokky… Heh…heh HA… Um… Yeah, so. So those salads they got there are shit, but dude the fuckin’ brownies are AMAZING. I… I think I had… um… [He holds both hands in front of his face, and moves fingers on both hands as if counting silently.] Um, yeah, a LOT! Hahah!
SAURFANG
Oh dear.
TO’BOR
I coulda been tellin’ you dat, mon.
GARROSH
Oh and DUDE, lemme tell you, those things are fuckin’ scumptious. [He blinks.] Um. Scumptious? No…scruntious. Scuntious.. Sc-rrrrrunnnn-tious. DAMMIT! Scummmmm-ptious… UGH! Dammit my tongue won’t say it right!
SAURFANG
Suffice to say they were flavorful, and we move on, shall we, Warchief?
GARROSH
NO, fuck that shit, I’m not going to let my stupid uncooperative tongue beat me! Scuntious! DAMMIT! Scruntious—FUCK, almost! Scumptious! Scumptious! Scruntious! SCUNTIOUS! DAMMIT DEFIANT TONGUE!
[Garrosh brings both hands to his face and starts poking around his mouth angrily, eventually pinching his tongue between the fingers of one hand and holding it at full extension. With his other hand, he hurriedly reaches behind him and draws Gorehowl.]
RAZGOR
Whoa!
TO’BOR
What you be doin’, mon?!
GARROSH
YOU DITHHODDOR DE HORDE, INTHOLENT DONGUE!
SAURFANG
Hold him, men!
[Saurfang and Razgor, aided by the wyvern holding the back of Garrosh’s belt in its teeth, grapple with the Warchief and eventually manage to get Gorehowl away from him. To’bor tries to get up to offer his aid as well, but the wyvern thwarts his every attempt to rise by flattening him against the floor again emphatically.]
TO’BOR
Dis be a strong wyvern ya got here, mon…
SAURFANG
Now then…Warchief …did your visit to the D.E.H.T.A. camp elucidate the current conundrum?
GARROSH
What the who?
SAURFANG
Did…you learn anything?
GARROSH
OH YEAH!
SAURFANG
Ah, good. What news, then?
GARROSH
Have you been over there before?
SAURFANG
I can’t say I’ve had the pleasure, no, Warchief.
GARROSH
Okay, so check it… [He stumbles shakily to Saurfang, puts one arm around his shoulder, and leans in close, then pokes at Saurfang’s chest with one finger every few words.] Okay. So. No matter…how sick you get of the salads… [He nods seriously a few times, then stares at Saurfang for several seconds.] What was I saying?
SAURFANG
Warchief?
[Garrosh continues his even stare for several seconds more, then looks around.]
SAURFANG
That would be you, sir.
GARROSH
What? OH YEAH, fuck, it is, right? HAHAHA, I’m Warchief – RECOGNIZE, bitches!
RAZGOR
Lok’tar!
TO’BOR
[Still pinned down by the wyvern.]
For da Horde!
[Saurfang glares at them impatiently and, behind Garrosh’s back, waves at them with one hand to stop.]
SAURFANG
So, Warchief… You were…starting to say about the D.E.H.T.A. camp? And…something about… [He sighs briefly.] …salads?
GARROSH
[His eyes go wide in recognition, and he resumes poking at Saurfang’s chest rapidly and energetically.]
OH YEAH! Fuckin’ hell yeah! SO! So, so, so, um… No matter how sick you get of the salads… If they offer you a burger… [His eyes widen as his face turns very serious.] DON’T.
[Saurfang watches him for a moment, purses his lips, then finally speaks.]
SAURFANG
Warchief…did they know anything pertaining to the problem of the armed animals across the various zones?
GARROSH
HOLY SHIT THEY DID, HOW DID YOU KNOW?! [Stares wide-eyed a moment, then starts laughing hysterically.]
SAURFANG
And…sir…what did they tell you?
GARROSH
Okay, okay, so. SO. They were talking ’bout this…nutjob druid who was nutjobby even for them, right? Like this guy was such a big animal lover, he didn’t even like shifting out of his animal forms, you know?
SAURFANG
Yes, sir…
GARROSH
Like…like… LIKE A BEAR! RAAAARRR!!! HahahahahaHA! Rar.
SAURFANG
Yes, sir.
GARROSH
Hahahahahahaaaa… Like a bear! RAR!
SAURFANG
[Rubs his forehead.]
Yes, sir. Like a bear.
[Garrosh leans against Saurfang, putting his face on the High Overlord’s shoulder, and laughing hysterically for a few moments.]
SAURFANG
Warchief…please try to focus. Was there anything else?
[Garrosh straightens up suddenly, and teeters for a moment. Razgor runs over close in anticipation of the Warchief falling over backwards.]
GARROSH
OOPS! Haha! Um, yeah, okay. SO. Um… So yeah, I’ve got a name to check up on, and one of them, the birdy lady what’s-her-face, um, she said the guy used to talk a lot about Stranglethorn Vale, and plus…um…yeah, what with him being a troll, he might be wandering around in the jungle there.
SAURFANG
Well, that’s a promising lead at least, Warchief.
GARROSH
Right you are, Rokky! HAHA! Vaaaa-rok! Varok Varok Varok! OH HEY! There once was a warrior named Varok!
TO’BOR
Here we go, mon…
GARROSH
Who passed on all servings of hamhock!
SAURFANG
True, I do not eat pork.
RAZGOR
Is that a religious thing?
SAURFANG
No, I just don’t dig on swine, that’s all.
GARROSH
Now I won’t deceive you —
He’ll pummel and cleave you,
And leave your sad ass really shellshocked.
EPIC VERSE![Garrosh throws both hands into the air as he yells “EPIC VERSE!!!” When he finishes the roar, he loses his balance and spills flat onto the floor, face-down.]
SAURFANG
Warchief! Are you all right?
GARROSH
[Slightly muffled from his face being on the floor.]
You know, this map on the floor looks fucking HUGE from down here! HAHA! [Punches the floor a few times while laughing.] You know what you need down here? One of those big fur rugs. Like…LIKE A BEAR! HAHAHA!
SAURFANG
Yes, sir…
RAZGOR
Like a bear.
TO’BOR
Rar, mon.
SAURFANG
What was that, anyway, Warchief?
GARROSH
What do you mean, what was that? That was EPIC VERSE! HAHAHA!
SAURFANG
I’m not sure I understand…
RAZGOR
Do you not read the blog?
SAURFANG
I rarely ever use that infernal machine.
GARROSH
Oh oh oh oh OH DUDE, you should totally get on the computer more, I could totally hook you up on Earth Online!
SAURFANG
Should I know what that is?
RAZGOR
It’s this thing on the internet.
GARROSH
Yeah, dude, it’s a really cool game.
SAURFANG
A…game?
GARROSH
Yeah, a computer game!
SAURFANG
And…you play this game, sir?
GARROSH
Hell yeah! I’m totally gonna sent you a RAF link after this. HAH that sounds funny — RAAAAAF hahaha…
SAURFANG
Warchief…you’re thirty-four years old.
GARROSH
RAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFF… HAHAHAA… [Slapping his hands randomly on the floor while he laughs.]
SAURFANG
Come now, Warchief.
[Saurfang and Razgor help Garrosh back to his feet. As they lift him, Garrosh points to a spot on the floor and bursts out laughing again.]
GARROSH
Hey Saurfang! Hey! Check it, see that spot right there? That’s…hehehe…that’s the EXACT. SPOT. Where you told me that time…haha… where you told me you’d kill me before you let me lead the Horde to ruin!
[Garrosh leans against Saurfang, laughing hysterically while draping one arm each over Saurfang and Razgor, letting them hold him up. As his laughter grows weaker, he pulls them closer to him on either side.]
GARROSH
[Sob-laughing.]
I fuckin’ love you guys!
SAURFANG
[Aside.]
I’m sure Thrall had his reasons…
So, yeah. Maybe not the proudest day for me, but whatever. At least we’ve got a lead and can see about tracking down this loose cannon druid guy. Not sure what’s up with Saurfang’s scribe funky-ass formatting, but I guess not everybody’s going to do things Mokvar-style. If it works for Saurfang, fine.
I’ll be heading back to Orgrimmar. First, though, I need to see what they’ve got to eat around here. I’m fucking STARVING, dude. Not to mention, my sides are fucking killing me.
“Kids these days and their felweed…”
By way of apology
Taking a short break from packing a few things for Nagrand. I was just talking to Eitrigg, and he was pointing out how I got all worked up thinking Varian and Jaina were behind what happened in Demon Fall Canyon, and suggested – fasten your seat belts for this one – that I might want to do something to acknowledge that they really didn’t have anything to do with it. Like…apologize. Which in general I’ve gotta say is a pretty WTF idea, but considering how testy I’ve been the last week or so, I guess it might not be a horrible idea to try to…I don’t know…be a little nice, I guess.
So I’m going to try this very unfamiliar gesture using a fairly familiar form – you guessed it, EPIC VERSE style. Simple, straightforward form, courtesy of Chen Stormstout’s people. Here goes…
Falsely accused, true:
Not your fault for a change — still,
Fuck you, Varian.
Yeah, I know it kind of took a left turn at the end. I tried. I mean we’re talking about fucking Varian here.
Remembrance of the dead
You have logged on.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
[Guild][ProfHubert] if we only had a silver piece for every time one of us has said that lol
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Warchief.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Evening, Sylvanas
[Guild][ProfHubert] hello sir
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who’s this guy?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Master Apothecary Faranell, one of my aides here in the Undercity.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He had asked about the guild while you were busy this week.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Prof
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] We didn’t want to bother you with it while you were doing more important things, so we decided to go ahead and invite him.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Welcome to the guild
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hopefully that’s all right with you, Warchief.
[Guild][ProfHubert] thank you sir
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s fine
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You guys can go ahead and invite people if you’re pretty comfortable with them
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re sure about who this guy is, right?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, Prof, based on your name, are you playing the teacher class too?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, sir. I see him in person on a daily basis.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, good
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I want to start being more careful screening people coming into the guild
[Guild][ProfHubert] no, actually this character is a zookeeper
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Of course, sir.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah? You don’t see too many of those around
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you get my message about the plague?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, sir, this morning. I was actually just passing word on to Faranell to put a halt to any further experiments.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Fortunately we had only just recommenced our tests, as our attempts to work on a new plague had, of course, been shelved for quite some time.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, good
[Guild][ProfHubert] i noticed that yes
[Guild][ProfHubert] all the animals in the game are so mundane, i thought i might be able to find a way to enhance some of the breeds
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I was just too angry for my own good when I gave you the go-ahead for that
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But then you probably already realize that
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Understandable, Warchief.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Can you do that?
[Guild][ProfHubert] we’ll find out, won’t we
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Are you dealing with matters a bit better now?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m not sure what would count as “better”
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m going to head back to Nagrand in a day or two to spend a little time
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Visit Greatmother, that kind of thing
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Probably wise, indeed.
[Guild][ProfHubert] brb
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Of course in a perfect world I would intercept you-know-who on my way through the Dark Portal
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If I might offer a word of advice, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s that?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Your anger at Magatha Grimtotem is certainly justified, but I would urge you not to let your desire for vengeance to preoccupy your thoughts too greatly.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I know only too well what it’s like to crave revenge against an enemy above all else.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I know all about you and Arthas, Sylvanas
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] With all due respect, Warchief, I truly doubt that you do.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But you’re right, insofar as avenging myself on the Lich King occupied nearly my every thought for quite some time.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Worked out for you I’d say
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You got to see him dead
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes. And then I found myself with the minor dilemma of what else to think about.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If I might make a suggestion, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This should be good
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No one would dispute that Magatha’s actions were monstrous, or that her motives were vile. You are right to be angry, and should fate present the opportunity, it is just that she should be called to account. This much is beyond contention.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] In the interim, however, I would merely suggest attempting to focus less on what she took from you, and more on what she unwittingly gave.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck are you talking about, what she gave?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, I’m certain that I do not need to tell you I am no stranger to loss.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard about the story about the Scourge in Quel’thalas a thousand times, Sylvanas
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There is that, yes. Countless numbers of my friends and family died that day.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh I mean, not to make light, but yeah
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But even before the Scourge invasion…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You may or may not recall my dear sister Alleria, Warchief.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She was part of the Alliance Expedition into Draenor, following the Second War over twenty years ago.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She disappeared there and has not been seen since. Even in all the time since the Horde and Alliance have come to frequent Outland, there has been no sign of her.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She has long since been presumed dead.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, right, I know
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Look, Sylvanas, I’m sorry about your sister, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Let me put it this way, Warchief.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Do you know – do you have even the faintest idea – what I would give to have one more day with her?
[Guild][ProfHubert] dark lady
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Magatha’s deception was odious, Garrosh, beyond question, but Lakkara’s return, though illusory in one important sense, was also very much real.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] From everything I gather, her spirit was not a hallucination, or a glamour, or a fabrication.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It really was her, albeit a spirit and not flesh and blood.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And for several days, you were able to be with your mother again.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You were able to talk with her and hear her respond.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You were able to see her face light up with pride as you showed her the man her boy had grown up to become.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] For all that’s despicable about Magatha’s doings and for all the rightful hatred you feel for her, Warchief, that much was a gift.
[Guild][ProfHubert] sylvanas?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would simply urge you not to lose sight of that.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hmm. Maybe, I guess…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] One moment, Warchief.
[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Utvoch.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no its dontrag sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] but hello sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Crap, mixed you up again, sorry
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I even have that mod to try to keep you straight, too
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dont worry about it sir, we get it all the time
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t know what it is with you two
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] guess we just have one of those faces
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um…I can’t actually see your faces here, Dontrag
[ProfHubert] has logged off.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, I’m afraid I need to go for a bit. We have something of a situation here.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] huh thats true
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s going on?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] weird
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’ll update you once I’ve had a chance to check on it myself, Warchief. Perhaps nothing. We shall see.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At any rate, have a good trip to Nagrand if I do not see you again before that.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, Garrosh.
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged off.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, thanks, Sylvanas
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And I’m talking to no one
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so whats up sir
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Literally
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not a lot, Dontrag
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] La la la no one here but me, la la la stuck talking to a moron in /g
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh what the hell
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh ok
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There once was a dwarf from Mudsprocket
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who helped goblins work on their rocket
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He tried to match wits
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] With two orcs, heads o’ shits,
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Until, throwing hands up, cried “O fock it!”
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] EPIC VERSE!
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i don’t get it
You have logged off.
Locks in Socks: Live (Sort of)
A couple weeks ago, when I was in the middle of Garrosh’s Poetry Challenge, I had gotten a lot of positive feedback on one poem in particular – Locks in Socks. Personally I don’t see why, it was really mostly a big pile of nonsense, but whatever, I guess you people like that kind of thing. But among my mountains of fan mail there was one offer I just couldn’t turn away. NO NOT GARONA, I’ve been holding her at arm’s length for months now. Sheesh. No, this came from @PixelExecution, from the blog PixelatedExecutioner – an offer to record a live performance of Locks in Socks for me to post here on the Command Board.
Obviously this was too good to pass up, and so, after no small amount of time (and many outtakes that rumor has it might find their way here at some point!), here is the finished product:
Major thanks and huge props to Pix for putting in the time to put this together. Everybody should definitely shoot him a tweet or leave a comment on his blog with some much-deserved praise for this little gem.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Children’s Week
Ever since I got that letter from my mother a couple weeks ago, I’ve been thinking a lot about the old days in Nagrand. Like I’ve mentioned a few times already, I used to keep a journal back then. About a week ago, before I left for Nagrand, I pulled it out again, and I’ve been paging through now and then.
I don’t know if any of you have had the experience, but it’s funny reading things you wrote so long ago that you don’t even remember writing them. It’s like this weird ping pong game between “Oh crap, I wrote that? Was I ever really that stupid?” and “Hey, that sounds really smart, who wrote that?” I know, I know, I shouldn’t be all that surprised by that second one. Modesty is the burden of the preternaturally awesome.
Anyhow, I’ve been reading through those very first entries in particular. It wasn’t even really a journal at that point so much as a notebook I used to fill up with all kinds of stuff – drawings, my early half-assed attempts at poems, stories about things that had happened to me or that I just plain invented… I guess Greatmother Geyah and my mother both thought I had this creative side, so they figured they’d give me some notebooks to try to encourage me.
(Side note, you should totally see some of these cartoony little-kid pictures I drew of Jorin Deadeye, with like “POOP HEAD” written in and arrows pointing to him.)
I’ve been coming back to a few passages I’d written about my mom. Reading me stories (thinking back, that’s probably what got me started writing in the first place, all the nights she read me to sleep), like that rhyming kids’ book Talbuk Luck, kind of an old standard for Draenor kids back then. She even did this goofy sing-song voice for Tahri the Talbuk – I’d forgotten all about that until I started reading back over this stuff. Or the time later on when she took me on that long trip on foot out by Oshu’gun, and sat on one of the bluffs to watch Bach’lor running around in the fields with his herd.
The little-kid entries come to a stop all of a sudden, and don’t pick up again until I started writing again in my teens. And, oh boy, here comes the emo. But, yeah, the gap. Kicked in right about the point when she died. “Died”? Should I put that in quotation marks now? Anyway. Disappeared. Any desire to look at those notebooks went with her, for a long time.
Yesterday afternoon, Lakkara went out to go exploring Orgrimmar. I’d been showing her around, but I’m sure a lot of it was just this big blur of information, and she seemed pretty blown away by the place in general. No surprise – the city is gigantic compared to villages like Garadar that she’s used to, and even Shattrath doesn’t come across quite so vast and, well, overwhelming. So she wanted to have a little time to just look around at her own pace. Reasonable enough.
After a while when she hadn’t come back, I figured I’d go have a look around. As big and sprawling as Orgrimmar is, it’s pretty easy to get turned around even if you know the place, much less if you’re still new to it all. It took a while, and no small amount of circling around, but I finally tracked her down. In retrospect, I should have known where she’d be right off, considering what week it is.
I found her in the Orgrimmar orphanage. It was starting to get dark, and she and Matron Battlewail had the kids gathered around…while she read to them. Talbuk Luck. Of course. She was even doing her goofy Tahri the Talbuk voice, which was cracking this little troll girl up especially. She read through to the end, this silly sing-song rhyming story, and when she finished, Gurtash hopped up and shouted “Epic verse!”
Nobody noticed me when I first got there, so I just hung back and watched in the doorway, then headed back to Grommash Hold.
Tomorrow I’m sending out new orders to some of our field commanders. We’ve lost a lot of soldiers over the last year or so – in Vashj’ir, in Twilight Highlands, in Deepholm… Most of the time we recover the bodies and bring them home, give the fallen the burial they deserve. Sometimes, though, there’s no body found. People just disappear. And after a while, they wind up on the rolls of the dead.
Since Deathwing was defeated, things have been relatively quiet on most fronts. So I think we can spare the personnel to take on a few extra missions. I’m having the field commanders send out some additional patrols, an extra scouting party here and there, to make another sweep or two in the areas where we’ve taken those losses. In particular, the places where we’ve had people disappear, presumed dead but never confirmed beyond a doubt. The ones, especially, who’d left children behind. Just in case.
I’m not going to advertise it, and I’m sure not going to let them know at the orphanage and risk getting the kids’ hopes up. Life is hard enough, and cruel enough, which the orphans know better than anyone, without me setting them up for more disappointment. But who knows. Maybe there’s still some good news for one or two of them, out there waiting to be brought home. Doesn’t hurt to have a look.
Every once in a while – not often, but sometimes – life decides to be generous.
More soon.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Memories of dreaming glory
Well, that’s settled. My mother is alive.
I’ve been staying here in Garadar the last few days. Luckily Spazzle’s gotten my why-fly (or whatever it’s called) connection working a little more reliably, so I’ve been able to keep up with the blog and post this week’s EPIC VERSE and all of that. As I mentioned the other day, Greatmother said Lakkara had gone out to visit the other Mag’har in Hellfire Peninsula, so I’ve been hanging out here to see if she would turn up again before I needed to get back to business in Orgrimmar. Luckily things have been quiet back home lately, so I figured there wouldn’t be anything Eitrigg couldn’t handle while I was away. Also, yeah, I’m not going to lie, I figured timing-wise this might let me stick Eitrigg with those end-of-month military expenditure reviews. Fuck I hate paperwork.
Anyway. It’s been good to spend some time back here, I suppose, although it’s also been giving Greatmother plenty of time to give me her nudge-nudge reminders about Kilrath having a daughter and how she wanted me to meet her and yeah, that’s just what I want, to get paired off with some girl my Greatmother picked out for me.
On the up side, I’ve gotten to spend some time hanging around with Jorin Deadeye, who used to pick on me like nobody’s business when we were kids, and didn’t get a whole lot better when we grew up. Everything with him was “Nice job your dad did dooming our people,” and “Damn, you’re a mopey, whiny little bitch” (and granted back in those days I WAS pretty emo, and I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY I WOULD HAVE BEEN KIND OF DOWN ON MYSELF AT THE TIME), and going around calling himself the “warchief” of the Bleeding Hollow clan instead of the chieftain. So I’ve been making a point of just hanging out wherever he’s been pretty regularly, and saying stuff to him like, “So hey, you like my axe? Yeah? Well check it, this is Gorehowl, the blade my dad used to FUCKING ONE-SHOT MANNOROTH and lift the blood haze from the orcs, how ’bout that, huh?” and “Hey, Chieftain, remind me, who’s actually Warchief these days? OH YEAH, SMALL WORLD!” Cue the comically appropriate Earth Online machinima:
Good times.
But anyway, back to the original point of the post. Earlier today, Lakkara turned up again. Greatmother called me up to her dwelling to see her. I have to admit, even though I knew that the smart thing was to stay skeptical until I could confirm who she was, it was pretty tough not to be shaken up by the first sight of her. I haven’t seen my mother since I was a little kid, but those last fumes of memory stay with you…and damned if she didn’t look just like my mother, with some extra wrinkles and gray hairs added on. Older for sure, weakened by the red pox and worn by a hard life, but damned if she didn’t look just like her.
I don’t think I was the only one who was shaken up some. As soon as I showed up, Lakkara became pretty emotional and teared up…it took her some time to pull herself together. Greatmother stepped outside so the two of us could have some time alone. Mostly at first I just let her talk. She pretty much repeated what she’d said in her letter, filled in a few more details here and there…I held back and tried to give her room to contradict herself, and listened the best I could for any holes in her story. Nothing I could see.
Then I played my ace in the hole. There was one time when I was a kid when I woke up burning up with fever from the pox. But the disease wasn’t the worst part. In my feverish sleep, I’d been having a nightmare – one of those awful, vivid dreams you wake up from and you’re still not sure if it was a dream, or real, or if you’ve really woken from it or if anything around you is real. You know the ones? Those dreams you have as a little kid where even when you wake up you’re still scared the dream will come get you? Yeah. One of those. I had woken up, and my mother came in and sat with me, and we stayed up most of the night talking about the nightmare I’d had and the nightmare we were living and everything else in between that we could think of.
I’ve never talked to anyone else about any of this.
She remembered every detail. Once I brought it up, she didn’t need any prompting. No leading questions. Nothing. She remembered the night I was talking about, everything we’d talked about. Most of all she remembered the dream – everything I’d told her, as if it had only been days ago rather than years. It had stayed with her as much as it had with me. She said my nightmare had stolen one night’s sleep from me, but dozens from her. She said I would understand one day when I had a child of my own.
That would have been enough to convince me, but to tell you the truth, by that point I was already being won over. Never mind what she looked like – she smelled just like my mother. There are scents that just always stay with you, you know? And for whatever reason I’ve always had a pretty sharp sense of smell. Not that that’s always been a positive thing in some parts of Orgrimmar, let me tell you. Anyway, though…the more time I spent around this woman, the more I noticed it – that smell I can’t really describe but would always recognize when she was close to me, like old parchment and dreaming glories. Like comfort. Like home.
It’s her.
I’m going to stay here with her for another day or two, then I’ll be getting set to bring her to see the orcs’ new home. Obviously she’s never been through the Dark Portal, and I’m kind of looking forward to showing her around Azeroth. I think she’s going to love Mulgore.
[Header image provided by Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate, used here with permission and many thanks.]
