Tag Archives: fuck you varian
Time isn’t after us
{Previously on The Warchief’s Command Board…well, here. Go read it yourself and get caught up. We don’t have bandwidth for fucking previouslies.}
Garrosh looks around again.
GARROSH: So…much less crowded all of a sudden…
LIADRIN: Hmm. Just us three at the Caverns of Time?
SORIDORMI: <nods> Your counterparts in this timeline had come here on…related but different business.
GARROSH: Wait, our COUNTERPARTS?
SORIDORMI: <nods> For lack of a better word.
LIADRIN: Oh, I think I’ve read about this… <looking around again> I never thought I would experience it first-hand, though…
GARROSH: Okay, so since everybody seems to understand this but me, could SOMEONE please explain what the fuck is going on?
SORIDORMI: You’re caught in the backwash of Edwin’s temporal instability.
GARROSH: Yeah, there’s not one single part of that sentence that was helpful.
SORIDORMI: The flashes you’ve been experiencing have all corresponded to Faranell’s time shifts. Every time he’s jumped to another point in his timeline, you have been shifting into…well, here.
LIADRIN: An alternate timeline.
GARROSH: So how come the Noz didn’t notice this? And where is he, anyway? How come he missed this kinda major part of what’s going on?
SORIDORMI: Nozdormu can see the disturbances surrounding Edwin’s displacement in time easily enough, but the intermingling of realities occurring in the background is a bit…beyond his perception.
GARROSH: But it’s not beyond yours? No offense, but I thought the Noz was the one with the super-uber-heightened time perception.
SORIDORMI: <sighs, then smiles> Believe me, I’m not the first woman ever to let her husband go on thinking he was the smart one for the sake of his fragile ego.
Liadrin chuckles briefly.
MOKVAR: So are we the only ones shifting into this timeline? Why us?
SORIDORMI: Yes and no. You’re not the only ones toggling realities, but you are the only ones who have started to retain your memories of one timeline when you move to the other. Those of you who were with Edwin in Southshore have been left with a sort of temporal residue that’s making it possible for you to bridge the gaps between realities.
GARROSH: Okay…I think I’m starting to get this… So in that case…
Mokvar starts chuckling, quickly descending into raucous laughter.
Um, dude, what’s so funny?
MOKVAR: <still laughing> No, sorry, I’m just thinking…since this is affecting all of us from Southshore… I’m just imagining Utvoch trying to figure out what the hell is going on…
Mokvar falls into another fit of laughter. Garrosh thinks for a moment, his eyes widening and a broad grin spreading across his face as he does, then starts laughing as well.
GARROSH: Oh…oh man…that’s just…ha ha HAA!
LIADRIN: Um, Garrosh? Don’t you think we should…?
GARROSH: <still laughing> Oh SHIT!
MOKVAR: <doubled over> Hahaha…what?
GARROSH: <starts to lean on Mokvar for support amid chortles> Can you…can you imagine him trying to explain this shit to Dontrag?
MOKVAR: OHHHH! HAHAHA!!
GARROSH: Can’t you just see them? “I think I was somewhere else,” “No you weren’t, you were right here,” “Yeah, I was here, but you weren’t,” “I was too here,” “No you weren’t, I was here only it was somewhere else here, and you were gone,” “Are you sure I wasn’t here?” “I think so.” “Huh, I wonder where I went…”
MOKVAR: <gasping for breath and leaning back against Garrosh> Stop! You have to stop! Hahahaha!
Liadrin turns back to Soridormi and rolls her eyes.
LIADRIN: Boys will be boys.
Soridormi shrugs and nods. Garrosh and Mokvar carry on laughing.
SORIDORMI: Sadly, so will grown men.
LIADRIN: At any rate… I understand that our connection to Edwin is allowing us to retain our awareness of this timeline, but I’m still not sure why these shifts are happening to us.
SORIDORMI: It all comes back to Edwin, in more ways than one.
LIADRIN: His own displacement in time, as Nozdormu was saying, obviously…
GARROSH: Okay, okay, we’re done now. <chortle>
SORIDORMI: That was the start of it, yes. And then, beyond that…this alternate reality was created when your Edwin caused…certain changes in the past.
LIADRIN: Oh no.
GARROSH: What did he do? In his letter he said he remembered everything he did and said, and he would make sure he repeated it all.
SORIDORMI: I have little doubt that he did. And it strikes me as unlikely he even made these changes deliberately, or at least consciously.
GARROSH: Then what did he change?
Soridormi holds out one hand. A small, glowing, blue-tinted image of Patrick Faranell appears above her upturned palm.
IMAGE OF PATRICK: Good news, everyone, I found it! Just what the doctor ordered!
SORIDORMI: I believe you’ve met Edwin’s brother, Professor Patrick Faranell.
LIADRIN: Oh no… I think I know where this is going…
SORIDORMI: In your original timeline, Patrick was killed during the Scourge invasion of Silvermoon. In this reality, however, he never went to Silvermoon. He survived.
GARROSH: That…sounds like a pretty major crapping all over Edwin’s whole “I won’t change history” pledge.
SORIDORMI: I doubt he did it deliberately. Even if he remembered everything he ever said to his brother, repeated it all word for word…don’t underestimate the influence of a simple change of inflection, a tone of voice, a facial expression… Even if he’d read all his lines, knowing what he knew, Edwin could easily have planted the doubts that would steer his brother away from harm.
GARROSH: Seriously. He couldn’t keep himself reined in, knowing how important it was?
SORIDORMI: Garrosh, could you look a loved one in the face, knowing death was upon them, and be completely certain you wouldn’t let a hint of it into your voice?
GARROSH: Okay…fair enough. So, now we have one extra friendly dorky guy wandering around. So what?
SORIDORMI: Had he met his end in Silvermoon, Patrick was fated for…a different path.
Soridormi waves her hand, and the image of Patrick Faranell is replaced by a shimmering image of Professor Putricide.
IMAGE OF PUTRICIDE: Good news, everyone! I think I perfected a plague that will destroy all life on Azeroth!
GARROSH: The hell…
SORIDORMI: Patrick would be risen into undeath, unbeknownst to his brother in Dalaran. The Lich King would take notice of his keen alchemical mind, and install him – in his new identity of “Professor Putricide” – as his chief alchemist and researcher in Icecrown Citadel.
GARROSH: Okay…I’m really starting to worry about why this becomes important…
LIADRIN: Dominoes…
SORIDORMI: With no Putricide in existence, Arthas’ attention in those early days would turn in a different direction…
Soridormi waves her hand again. The image of Professor Putricide flickers out and is replaced by the likeness of Grand Apothecary Putress.
IMAGE OF PUTRESS: Did you think we had forgotten? Did you think we had forgiven?
SORIDORMI: I believe you are both familiar with the work of Grand Apothecary Putress, previously of Sylvanas’ Royal Apothecary Society.
LIADRIN: By the Light…
SORIDORMI: The Lich King chose Putress for the role that would have gone to Putricide – replacing one master alchemist with another, albeit perhaps a more ruthless one.
GARROSH: So, what, did Putress come up with some invention for Arthas, or…?
LIADRIN: Garroh, no… Think…the Wrathgate…
GARROSH: Oh… OH…
MOKVAR: Oh shit…
SORIDORMI: <nodding> With Putress in Icecrown Citadel rather than the Undercity, there was no coup against Sylvanas. There was no betrayal at the Battle of the Wrathgate. Dranosh Saurfang survived, as did Bolvar Fordragon. While the Lich King survived to fight another day, driven back into his fortress, the assault on the Wrathgate was regarded as a great victory – for Alliance and Horde alike. Bolvar would use that success, along with his newfound friendship with Saurfang the Younger, to persuade Varian Wrynn to reconsider his stance on relations with the Horde.
Soridormi waves her hand again. Above her upturned palm, a glowing likeness appears of Thrall and Varian Wrynn shaking hands.
The Alliance and Horde would sign the Dalaran Accords some weeks later. The war between Alliance and Horde was ended.
GARROSH: <sneers at the image> Fuck you, Varian.
MOKVAR: You know that’s not really him, right?
LIADRIN: Peace between the Horde and the Alliance… All those lives spared at the Wrathgate… And…
Liadrin looks down at the Ashbringer in her hands.
SORIDORMI: A number of other rather important events have…played out differently.
GARROSH: Like the fact that with Dranosh still alive, when it came time for Thrall to name an acting Warchief…
Soridormi nods.
And then… Cairne… By the spirits…when Hamuul’s druids were attacked by the Twilight’s Hammer…
MOKVAR: Cairne wasn’t as quick to think Dranosh was responsible, like he was with you? So that means…
GARROSH: There was never a duel. Cairne…never died. I never… He never died.
MOKVAR: This is all…I don’t even know what to call it. But, crazy as it all is…why is this timeline mixing with ours at all?
LIADRIN: Edwin. It’s all about Edwin…
SORIDORMI: <nods> These divergent timelines aren’t uncommon. There are countless events in your history that have produced alternate realities. But what’s different here is your friend. The split in realities was caused by Edwin averting his brother’s death. But it’s also Edwin who’s become unstuck in time. He’s spawned an entire universe in which he does not belong; he’s out of time, and time itself wants him back. It’s pulling him back and forth, and pulling the other reality into ours in the process. Edwin has become a shatter point in time, and the walls between realities are cracking around him. Eventually, the other timeline – the one we’re in now – will bleed through into ours.
LIADRIN: He’ll never even realize any of this is happening, will he? It’ll just happen while he’s off at other points in time.
SORIDORMI: Difficult to say. Though it wouldn’t surprise me if the timelines eventually converge to the point that he begins to remain here with you.
MOKVAR: Still trying to wrap my head around this…
SORIDORMI: It is much to absorb, I know.
MOKVAR: But…what do we do now?
SORIDORMI: Reality will continue to crack around Edwin until the timelines converge and this one, essentially, replaces ours, unless we can return both Edwins to where they belong and restore the original timeline.
LIADRIN: I suspect that won’t be quite as simple as running back through the portal to old Hillsbrad.
SORIDORMI: <shakes her head> Crossing your own timelines will be a dangerous proposition, and one that will take a tremendous focusing of magic. There’s much we’ll need to do here to prepare, and even then, there’s the small matter of getting this Edwin here at a point when he isn’t…elsewhere. Not to mention convincing him of the necessity of going back.
LIADRIN: I suppose we’ll just need to do what we can we can can erif we eht can do ma can i tub can what em semusnoc what taht erif a si ti regit eht ma i tub em hold selgnam taht regit a si ti revir eht the ma i tub gnola em speews taht line revir a si emit edam ma i we hcihw fo we ecnatsbus what we eht what si what emit what what we what we can to get ready.
NOZDORMU: Indeed. Chronormu, go speak with Erozion about a possible return incursion to Hillsbrad.
CHROMIE: Sure thing, captain.
Chromie teleports out. Garrosh, Liadrin, and Mokvar exchange uneasy looks both at each other and at Faranell – who likewise looks around uncomfortably. Soridormi, standing half a step behind Nozdormu, watches them and raises a single finger to her lips.
TIRION: Dr. Faranell? Are you all right? You seem out of sorts suddenly.
FARANELL: Yeah…um…
EITRIGG: It happened again, didn’t it?
NOZDORMU: <narrows his eyes, looking at Faranell grimly> Yes. It would appear so.
Faranell nods and sighs.
LIADRIN: Where were you this time, Edwin?
FARANELL: It was…a large, sprawling city, built into the mountains of a bright, orange-stoned desert. There were…orcs and trolls everywhere… Was… It was Orgrimmar, wasn’t it?
MOKVAR: Sounds like it.
GARROSH: Well, Doc, I don’t know if you were just in your past, but Orgrimmar is definitely in your future. You’re coming back with us, where we can watch out for you while we figure this thing out.
TIRION: A wise choice, mostly likely, my good Warchief. Upon our return to Hearthglen, I will have Daria make arrangements with the good doctor’s family to have whatever effects he might require transported to Orgrimmar.
GARROSH: Good deal. Don’t…um…don’t feel like you need to deliver them personally. Some plain ol’ couriers will do fine.
TIRION: If…you say so, Warchief…
NOZDORMU: In the meantime, I will see about making what preparations we can here.
GARROSH: Yeah. Thanks, Noz.
Nozdormu nods solemnly and walks off.
SORIDORMI: I should go assist Nozdormu. <looks slowly from Garrosh to Liadrin to Mokvar> I suspect I will see you all again, in due time.
We’re back in Orgrimmar now with Faranell. I’m going to have him assigned quarters somewhere he can be comfortable — well, as comfortable as a human can be in a city full of orcs — and we can keep an eye on him at all times. Not sure where we go from here, but I want him close just in case. Right now I’ve got a lot to think about…
More soon.
“Daria’s Pro Tip for Dealing with Tirion #8: Do not wear black mageweave leggings. Ever. Ever.”
Monday mailbag
Okay, I haven’t tended to the mail in a little while since we were, you know, dislocated in the time-space continuum. But we’ve got a few letters that have come in lately, so before anything else happens that gets me all distracted, let’s see what we’ve got…
I would dearly love to find out what happened to Koltira Deathweaver. He died defending Silvermoon, you know. I enjoyed working with him in Agmar’s Hammer, and again on Ogrim’s Hammer. I heard that he disappeared under mysterious circumstances right after we ran the Alliance out of Andorhal. But that’s all I know. Something’s not quite right here, though. My sources here are usually pretty good, but when I bring up Koltira, they invariably change the subject.
The guy you want to talk to about Bowling for Wildhammer is Malkar over in Bloodgulch. It’s not actually bowling, though, it’s more like fishing. You toss a hook up in the air, snag a gryphon, and haul the rider down to you. Then, you wear him out. Lather, rinse, repeat. A fine way to while away a dull afternoon. But I’m not sure how closely Zaela looks into what goes on in Bloodgulch. She may well know nothing about this.
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey, ACC. Thanks for the explanation of the whole Bowling for Wildhammer thing. I’m definitely going to have to take a trip out there and check it out. Granted, yanking dwarves out of the sky and curbstomping them isn’t going to be quite as fun or satisfying as, say, humans or gnomes, but hey, it’s Alliance and it’s curbstomping. Can’t rightly complain about that.
As for Koltira…yeah, I’d like to know what the deal is with him, too. I’ve been trying to find out for a while now, in fact. Bragor Bloodfist down in the Undercity has been under orders to find out what happened to him, seeing as Sylvanas and her people were the last ones to see Koltira before he went off the grid. He hasn’t been able to get any answers, though, and considering he’s got his own whole set of issues down there, I’m not sure whether it’s a matter of there not being any answers to be had or of him just not having his head in the right place. I mean seriously, I ask him for a Koltira update, and he babbles on about Sylvanas going off to the little ghouls’ room and being gone for like an hour. Like I need to know the details of her bathroom breaks. Maybe she’s got an irritable colon or something, who knows. I know mine gets plenty irritable with some of the morons I have to deal with in this job.
We all know you’re a big fan of lemon squares (who isn’t, am I right?). Do you have any other favourite foods?
Your fan,
–Salaria
One word, Salaria: bacon. Everything goes good with bacon. Everything. There is not one single recipe out there – I DARE YOU TO PROVE ME WRONG – that isn’t improved by adding bacon. Need convincing? Name any kind of food you can think of, and tell me it wouldn’t sound even better if you stuck “bacon-wrapped” in front of it. SEE? Hell, if you offered to give me “bacon-wrapped cancer,” I’d have to at least think about it.
Of course, even granting that everything goes great with bacon, the thing that goes absolute BEST with bacon? More bacon.
Honorable mention: peanut butter. Most of the above applies, plus it’s really handy for when I have to give Mortimer a pill from the vet, and in general it’s just hilarious to watch a wyvern chawing away on it while it’s sticking to the roof of his mouth. Sometimes I’ll give him a big spoon of the stuff, and while he’s munching away, Gurtash will make up dialogue that Mortimer could be saying, since his mouth will be flapping open and closed almost like he’s talking. Good times.
I been doin’ dat regular errand for Marogg da infantry chef, where he be askin’ us ta steal Darkspear rice from da trolls in da Valley of Spirits. I been tinkin’ dis be a real smart move, mon, keepin’ da trolls underfed and hungry. All you I mean we orcs know da only way we be keepin’ da trolls down is if we keep dem weakened – we let ’em eat well and get strong an’ for sure dey be takin’ over da Horde! We all know dere be no way we be holdin’ dem down if dey at full strength! Good goin’ dere, mon!
–Bob, Echo Isles
Wait, wait, hold on a minute. You’re trying to tell me, you think the only reason the orcs are able to maintain our position of dominance within the Horde is because we use sketchy methods to keep any potential rivals weak? You’re saying we couldn’t stay in charge if the fucking TROLLS had three squares a day (along with whatever extra snacks they’re having because, you know, munchies)?
Well FUCK THAT SHIT.
I’ll SHOW you how fast we’d lose control if the trolls weren’t hungry all the time! Marogg was supposed to be gathering up that rice to make jambalaya, right? Well I’m issuing him orders RIGHT THIS MINUTE to have half that jambalaya delivered right over to the troll district. What’s more, I’m ordering Borstan the butcher to start scheduling regular deliveries of assorted meats to the Valley of Spirits, maybe let those scrawny fuckers get some protein for once, and then for good measure, I’m even having Shan’ti arrange to have some fruits and vegetables – why someone would want to eat those is beyond me, but whatever – sent over when there’s a decent crop.
You think the trolls would take over if we didn’t keep them weakened? BULLSHIT, the trolls don’t need our help to be weak, they came out of the box that way, so just you fucking watch and see what happens – or DOESN’T happen – when they can’t cry starvation anymore!
Go head, fatten ’em up, feed ’em all they can choke down, see how much good it does them! You hear me? That’s an order! Feed those trolls!
Attn: Garrosh Hellscream, Horde Warchief
c/o Orgrimmar, Durotar KLM
Pursuant to Stormwind Revenue Statute LC14-99A17, subsection A4:
This letter hereby notifies the above named GARROSH HELLSCREAM (hereafter “DEBTOR”) of funds owed to the Stormwind Treasury, as per investigations conducted under authority of this office:
- Debtor initially accrued debt under alias G. PATRICK SEITZ in the amount of 120 gold in unpaid charges at Kelly’s Inn and Tavern, Southshore, Hillsbrad Foothills EKD.
- Proprietor Herman Kelly, esq. (hereafter “PLAINTIFF”) filed legal claim against one G. PATRICK SEITZ in the amount of 144 gold in rental and late fees.
- Lordaeron Circuit Court 23 ruled in favor of plaintiff in amount of 144 gold; additionally 216 gold in legal fees, 150 gold fine for failure to appear at hearing and 50 gold in punitive damages. Total debt incurred 560 gold.
- Debtor failed to appear before court on three statutory appeal dates as per Lordaeron Small Claims Code 19C, classification 4 (Brill Act). Upon expiration of appeal period, debtor incurred mandatory penalties of 407 gold, 611 gold and 1215 gold for missed payment dates.
- Funds owed to plaintiff were reimbursed from Lordaeron Treasury under Small Business Shelter Provision 2219-A; debtor’s account was placed in collection. Mandatory fine of 117 gold incurred.
- Collection duties assumed by Stormwind Agency of Taxation and Recovery under Disaster Provision Act after unexpected decease and necrotic resuscitation of entire fiduciary authority of Lordaeron government.
- Debtor accrued additional debts in the mount of 117 gold monthly for failure to pay fines; additionally cumulative interest fees at rates of 14 to 23% per annum as dictated by Stormwind Variable Rate Index.
As of current date, debtor owes funds to RATR in amount of 49,758 gold.
Please remit funds to RATR, Stormwind, within 30 days of receipt of this notice. Additional penalties may apply upon failure to comply.
–Royal Agency of Taxation and Recovery, Stormwind City
(Routing path: Southshore; Tarren Mill; Lordaeron; Androhal; Stormwind; Theramore; Gadgetzan; Caverns of Time; Ratchet)
What.
The fuck.
Is THIS?
Okay, so hold up. You mean to tell me, when we high-tailed it out of Southshore – and yeah, we didn’t bother paying at the inn when we took off, because guess what, we had some other shit to do that was kind of important – Kelly (Herman? Seriously? Fucking HERMAN?) went to the trouble of filing a lawsuit and keeping after it to try to get back the fucking pocket change we owed him?
And okay, I know what you guys are probably thinking, how the hell did they even manage to trace this back to me in the first place, seeing as I was using an alias and a human face and WAS TRAVELING THROUGH FUCKING TIME. But you know what, really, you shouldn’t be surprised that they managed to find me, because TAX COLLECTORS. Those fuckers will see through time and space like it’s nothing and track you through the Twisted Nether and OMG maybe I should get some of THEM to try to find fucking Koltira!
Anyway, Stormwind tax dudes working under royal authority, I was going to send you an I.O.U. for the gold, but on second thought I figure it would be a lot better to take this occasion to publicly offer you an F.Y.V.
That’s right.
Everyone say it with me.
Past imperfect
So we finally have things in motion to find out just what Isilien and Doan wind up doing with the light crystal. We’re hoping we can stay close to whatever we’re doing, and then get a read on whatever kind of magic they end up using the create the anti-plague effect. To that end, we brought a special magic component – something called a chameleon shard. When it’s put in close proximity to a magically-charged object or field, it attunes itself to it and basically recreates the magic properties inside its own…crystalline…matrix, I think it is? Anyway, point is, it sucks up a carbon copy of the magic close to it and locks it up so we can take it with us without it going kablooey, and once we have THAT done at the original, untriggered source of this thing, we should be able to use it to create a counter-effect.
Which leads us to the latest meeting of the minds from this morning…
MOKVAR: So what’s the game plan for tonight?
GARROSH: Isilien said we should pay him a visit after dark tonight. By that point, with any luck, he’ll have finished whatever he’s been working on with Doan, and we can get a look at the end results.
MOKVAR: What if it’s still a work in progress?
GARROSH: Well, then I guess we get to follow the ongoing work.
FARANELL: That could end up being helpful in itself. Depending on just what they’re doing, watching them actually formulating it might make it easier to determine a way to counter it.
MOKVAR: One thing, though. If you’re there, and they’re still working on it, won’t they want you guys to help them with it?
GARROSH: Probably.
MOKVAR: Won’t that be a problem? I mean, I’m guessing we weren’t supposed to create the problem we came back in time to try to solve.
LIADRIN: Maybe. Maybe not. For all we know, we were always part of the creation of this thing.
GARROSH: Either way, we can try to keep our help to a minimum, at least.
LIADRIN: It shouldn’t be terribly difficult to create the appearance of helping without interfering too much. Just listen to what they’re already thinking, then nudge them further in that direction without really feeding them any ideas they wouldn’t have come to regardless.
GARROSH: Also, Mokvar, I’m going to have you stay back for this one. You and Utvoch wait here in the room, or hang out downstairs if it looks clear, but I’m just going to go with Liadrin and Faranell, since they’re the ones who really need to check on this thing up close.
MOKVAR: Whatever you say, chief.
LIADRIN: Is there anything else we need to have in place before we go?
GARROSH: The only other thing is having the chameleon shard ready, in case they manage to get their little doohickey completely done tonight.
FARANELL: You’ve been holding it, haven’t you, Utvoch? I should probably give it a few arcane charges before we go, to have it warmed up just in case.
UTVOCH: Yeah, I’ve got it here.
Utvoch sets down his pack and starts digging through it.
MOKVAR: Say, Garrosh, I just realized, are you sure you don’t want me coming tonight to take notes?
GARROSH: <shakes head> Isilien was already less than thrilled about bringing in more people, and Doan didn’t seem like he’s going to be very friendly. I don’t want to push my luck inviting more people than necessary to the party, much less setting off any bells by having someone hanging around writing down everything everyone says.
MOKVAR: Yeah, true. I was just thinking this might be the part of the trip where we’d especially like to keep a record of things.
LIADRIN: I can always write it up after we’re done, as well. I do agree it’s to our benefit to record as much of this as possible, especially in case we need to keep our stories straight for timeline purposes.
FARANELL: I can help with that when you’re working on it. I have an eidetic memory, so I should be able to cover most of what ends up being said.
UTVOCH: <still rifling around in his pack> Wait, you dead what?
FARANELL: No, eidetic.
LIADRIN: It means a photographic memory.
UTVOCH: Oh. What’s photographic?
GARROSH: Hold on. You have an eidetic memory?
FARANELL: Yeah. I was tested for it as a kid and everything. <chuckles> Only reason Patrick didn’t wind up three grades ahead of me.
GARROSH: So can I ask you something?
FARANELL: Yes?
GARROSH: If you’re supposed to have this uber-memory, how come you’re always forgetting shit?
MOKVAR: You do seem pretty forgetful sometimes.
FARANELL: I don’t know why people keep saying that.
GARROSH: Because it’s true?
FARANELL: I’ll have you know, I can recite back to you every book I’ve read in the last five years.
LIADRIN: Well, it might just be that he has excellent recall of specific sights and sounds, or language? But broader events slip his memory sometimes?
FARANELL: “Our first day went as well as one can expect first days to go. Most of our time was preoccupied with making the necessary arrangements to establish a base camp. I located an ideal setting by a freshwater river inlet. Judging by the old, abandoned docks nearby, this site was inhabited sometime ago. As for the original inhabitants, only time can tell that tale.” Just saying.
GARROSH: Okay, fine, you have a perfect memory except for when you don’t. Go ahead and help Liadrin with the recordkeeping if it makes you happy.
UTVOCH: So, um, guys? I think we have a problem.
MOKVAR: Oh no.
FARANELL: Here we go.
GARROSH: What is it?
UTVOCH: Well, um…I don’t think the shard is here.
LIADRIN: That’s kind of bad.
GARROSH: What. Do you mean. The shard. Isn’t HERE?
UTVOCH: I don’t know, I was keeping it in my pack, only it’s not here now…
FARANELL: Let me see that.
Faranell grabs the pack from Utvoch and starts sifting through its contents, tossing assorted pieces of junk onto the floor.
GARROSH: Fucking hell, Utvoch, you had ONE FUCKING JOB on this trip…
FARANELL: Nope…nope… No – for goodness’ sake, man, how many comic books do you need?
LIADRIN: Could someone have gotten to it while you were away from the room or some such?
UTVOCH: No, it’s been in that pack since we got here, and I’ve kept the pack with me the entire time.
MOKVAR: You’re sure you didn’t leave it alone around someone?
UTVOCH: Of course I didn’t, what do you think I’m stupid or something?
Everyone looks around at each other for a moment.
GARROSH: You know what? Any other time that would have been really funny, but right now I’m not in the fucking mood.
FARANELL: <handing the pack brusquely back to Utvoch> Well, that settles it. It’s definitely not here.
UTVOCH: <looking through pack again> Hey, I had a Nutterbar in here that’s gone, too.
MOKVAR: Utvoch, nobody cares about your stupid candy bar.
GARROSH: Hang on.
LIADRIN: Oh no.
GARROSH: Utvoch, you’re SURE you’ve kept that pack with you the whole time we’ve been in Southshore?
UTVOCH: Positive.
GARROSH: <rubbing his head> Yeah… So…
FARANELL: Oh…no.
GARROSH: Shiny, gimmicky-looking crystal, AND a candy bar missing, AND he’s been spending almost all his time doing what…?
LIADRIN: <sighs> By the Light, Utvoch…
UTVOCH: Spending all my time…? Oh CRAP, you think the kid took it?
GARROSH: Tirion’s brat is the only person you’ve been around for any length of time since we’ve been here. Unless you think THRALL made off with it?
UTVOCH: Do you think Thrall would have taken—OWW!
MOKVAR: Hey, um, why is there all this smoke in here all of sudden?
GARROSH: Of COURSE Thrall wouldn’t have taken it!
LIADRIN: There isn’t something burning, is there?
FARANELL: No, this isn’t ffrroomm aa ffiirree.
MOKVAR: Wwhhyy aarree yyoouu ttaallkkiinngg ssoo ssllooww—oohh, nneevveerr mmiinndd…
GARROSH: OOhh bbooyyy. HHHeeerrreee wwweee gggooo aaagggaaaiiinnn….
The smoke thickens as Soridormi and Chromie teleport into the room, flanking the door. A few seconds later, Nozdormu strolls pimps [Word choice revised at the Warchief’s insistence. –Mkvr., ed.] into the room in slow motion.
NOZDORMU: Greetings, Warchief.
CHROMIE: Hiya, guys!
GARROSH: Hey— <waves his hand around in front of his face for a moment to see if it’s moving at normal speed> Okay, that’s better. Hey Noz.
MOKVAR: Is that really necessary?
NOZDORMU: Is what really necessary?
Soridormi, standing behind Nozdormu, shakes her head vigorously while waving one hand side to side.
MOKVAR: Never mind.
CHROMIE: <giggles>
GARROSH: So I’m guessing this isn’t just a social call.
NOZDORMU: Indeed, Warchief.
SORIDORMI: We’re concerned that something may be amiss with your mission.
FARANELL: Oh, you have no idea.
NOZDORMU: I’ve detected a disturbance in the timeline, located roughly around this point. At this stage it’s difficult for me to pinpoint its origin exactly; whatever the key events are, I suspect they’re still in their early stages of unfolding, and without my Aspect powers I find my ability to see through the cracks in the timeline more limited than they were. Nevertheless, something in the proper progression of these events has been disrupted.
MOKVAR: Yeah, um…
GARROSH: About that.
FARANELL: Really? So we traveled back ten years, got a bunch of Alliance from the future killed in the past, there’s two copies of me running around within like ten yards of each other, we’ve dropped a highly sensitive and powerful magical attunement device into the hands of a kid who’s going to grow up to be a xenophobic nutjob—
CHROMIE: You really want to get that back pronto, by the way.
FARANELL: —and now you’re telling us that something has been disrupted in the timeline? Imagine my astonishment.
NOZDORMU: You know, it’s not too late for me to skip back about thirty years and arrange for a certain someone never to have been born.
GARROSH: At the rate this is going, could you get me too on the way back?
MOKVAR: Wouldn’t it be better just to erase Utvoch?
GARROSH: You know what? Good call. Let’s go with that instead.
UTVOCH: Wait, what? He’s going to do what to me?
GARROSH: Shouldn’t you be busy right now THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE?
UTVOCH: Sorry, sir.
NOZDORMU: At…any rate.
SORIDORMI: I wish we could give you more specific information, but unfortunately…
NOZDORMU: All I can really tell you is that something is amiss, but still very much in flux. You need to take extreme care not to cause any further disturbances in the events of this time, and get back to your own time as quickly as possible.
FARANELL: So, in other words, don’t mess up. Thanks, that helps a lot.
NOZDORMU: Or I could fast-forward you up to the day of your death. That could work too, you know.
FARANELL: Already been there, actually.
NOZDORMU: Would you like a return trip?
SORIDORMI: <giving Nozdormu a gentle tug on the shoulder> We…know this is a hectic and confusing time for you all. We simply mean to impress upon you the importance of the utmost caution.
GARROSH: Believe me, nobody wants to find the source of that anti-plague thing and get out of here without a fuss more than me.
LIADRIN: And by the looks of it, I’d say we’re not far off.
UTVOCH: Can I ask a stupid question?
GARROSH: Like nobody I’ve ever met.
UTVOCH: Huh?
GARROSH: Never mind. Ask.
UTVOCH: Well okay, you guys are going to try to see what caused that thing that’s killing the undead, right?
GARROSH: Only a week in and you’ve already pieced that together, huh? You’re getting sharp on me.
FARANELL: In other words, yes.
UTVOCH: Well then, begging your pardon, Warchief, not to question your great and imperious judgment, but while we’re here, couldn’t we just stop those guys from doing it in the first place?
LIADRIN, NOZDORMU, and SORIDORMI: <overlapping> No.
UTVOCH: Oh. Why not?
LIADRIN: Paradoxes.
UTVOCH: Wait, parrot oxes? You mean we’ll create some weird new animal or something?
CHROMIE: Oi, this one’s a shitake mushroom for brains…
UTVOCH: Actually, you know, parrot oxes could be kind of cool…
LIADRIN: No. Paradoxes. If we prevent the anti-plague from being created in the past, when we get to the future, the anti-plague won’t exist, but then there won’t be a reason for us to come to the past anymore, so we won’t, so then the anti-plague will be created, and so forth, in an endless self-canceling loop.
CHROMIE: See, see, I told you I liked her!
UTVOCH: …So you could have the parrot oxes plowing the fields, but while they’re doing that they could talk, and that would probably make the work go faster since I bet working in the fields for hours gets pretty boring, and—
Utvoch finds himself unable to finish his sentence, as his train of thought is interrupted by his unplanned transformation into a sheep.
FARANELL: Okay. That’s enough from him.
LIADRIN: Ha! You polymorphed him?
GARROSH: Dude, that’s…that’s just…I don’t even have a word for how much awesome that is.
UTVOCH: <bleats>
MOKVAR: Hmm, you know, that’s giving me an idea…
NOZDORMU: At this point I suppose we should leave you to your work…
CHROMIE: You definitely want to work on getting that shard thingy back fast.
LIADRIN: I would imagine Tirion would be a fairly strict father. I suppose if we told him we think his son might have stolen something, he would—
GARROSH: Maybe make the kid give it back, yeah, and maybe ask “Oh, so what is this thing my kid swiped? Oh, a magical shard, what for?” And maybe ask Doan about it, who almost definitely is going to know his chameleon shards. And maybe Tirion gets curious about what these people hanging out with Isilien have one of THOSE for…
LIADRIN: Hmm, true, probably too risky, I suppose…
CHROMIE: Oh feldercarb, you people need to stop dancing around it! Just grab the kid and steal it back! What’s he going to do, stop you? He’s a kid!
UTVOCH: <bleats>
FARANELL: Well, to be fair, he could call his fairly powerful, well-connected paladin dad, who we absolutely can’t harm while we’re here, so…
CHROMIE: Fine, fine, so you just keep him incapacitated while you steal it! You can…well jiminy, Faranell could sheep him just like Utvoch…
UTVOCH: <bleats>
CHROMIE: Or you could hex him, or, I don’t care, Throwdown or Repentance, or… flipping flux capacitor, you’ve got a room full of crowd control here, do you really need me drawing a diagram for you guys?
GARROSH: Wow, you’ve REALLY got a yen for us to mug this kid, don’t you?
CHROMIE: Hey, do you want your thingymabob back or not?
MOKVAR: Actually, along those lines, I was thinking… Since you all have powers over time, would it be possible for you to give one of us…well, a buff, I suppose. To prolong the duration of a spell like polymorph?
CHROMIE: Huh… What do you think, skipper?
NOZDORMU: It would be simple enough, though such an enhancement would have to have a very limited number of charges…
FARANELL: You’re thinking you’d want me to hit Taelan with a super-polymorph?
MOKVAR: Actually I was thinking more of my hex. What I had in mind—
The door to the room swings open and Kelly the innkeeper barges in.
KELLY: Hey, what’s going on up here? I’m hearing all kinds of noise down in the… <looks down at Utvoch the sheep> …lobby…
GARROSH: Oh, hey, um…
LIADRIN: There’s…a very simple explanation for that.
FARANELL: Yes, there is, although regrettably it reflects rather poorly on all of us…
UTVOCH: <bleats>
KELLY: What the blazes are you people doing with a sheep up here? We don’t… <glances over and notices Nozdormu and Soridormi> …High elves? Gracious, we haven’t seen high elves in Southshore in I don’t know how long. I didn’t think you went slumming far beyond Dalaran…
SORIDORMI: Yes, well…
GARROSH: Um, yeah, I can explain them, too.
NOZDORMU: You can?
SORIDORMI: He can.
NOZDORMU: I hope so.
KELLY: I’m listening.
GARROSH: Look… Mr. Kelly… I’m going to level with you. Clearly you, um, you’re an observant guy, so you must be aware that there’s a lot of strange business going on around here these days.
KELLY: Mostly since you lot turned up, yes.
GARROSH: Right. Well. Um, yes, that’s why we’re here, you see. My people and I are…um…special investigators sent by the king. We have a…a number of leads concerning some suspicious activities leading us to Southshore, and me and my fellow royal investigators are here to…um…investigate. Royally.
FARANELL: <aside to Garrosh> Smooth.
KELLY: The king sent… Wait, which king?
GARROSH: Which king? Oh, well… <aside to Liadrin> Who’s the king now?
LIADRIN: <aside> Of which kingdom?
GARROSH: <aside, hissing> Just GIVE ME A FUCKING NAME!
LIADRIN: Terenas!
GARROSH: Terenas! Yes, yes, good old King Terenas!
KELLY: Ahh, all right, so you’re sent from here in Lordaeron. For a minute, as strange as you were acting, I thought you might have been sent from Stormwind or some such damn thing.
GARROSH: Oh no, no, we’re definitely looking out for dear old Lordaeron.
KELLY: A good thing, too, as I was going to have words for you if you said you’d been sent by that hot-headed damn brat of a king they have down there!
GARROSH: Wait, brat…? You mean Varian?
KELLY: Yessir! Fuck that Varian, if you ladies will pardon my language!
GARROSH: Oh HELL yes! I KNEW I liked you, Kelly! I’ll be sure to give a fine report on you to good old Tyranus.
LIADRIN: Terenas.
GARROSH: Whoever the fuck he is!
KELLY: Well hold on now.
GARROSH: Hmm?
KELLY: First of all, you say you’re royal investigators, and that sounds all well and good, but how do I know you’re telling the truth?
GARROSH: I…have an honest face?
KELLY: Lots of liars do! If you’re really sent by the king, you surely must have sort of papers to prove you are who you say you are.
GARROSH: Oh. Right. Where did I put those…um…
Nozdormu and Soridormi exchange a look, Soridormi nods, and Nozdormu sighs briefly.
NOZDORMU: Did you forget…Inspector? You asked me to hold your royal orders.
GARROSH: I did?
NOZDORMU: <glaring> I don’t know, did you?
GARROSH: OH RIGHT. I did. Yes. You have the documents on you, then?
NOZDORMU: <handing Garrosh some papers> Here you are, Inspector.
GARROSH: Uh, but these are blank—
SORIDORMI: I’m sure, Inspector, if you let good Mr. Kelly here review the documents, he’ll find everything is in order…
GARROSH: Right, right, sure…
Garrosh hands the papers to Kelly, who flips through them for a moment.
KELLY: Well, you’re right…I would know Terenas’ seal anywhere… I suppose you are who you say…
GARROSH: Hell yes! Now if you’ll excuse us, Mr. Kelly—
KELLY: <turning to face Nozdormu, Soridormi, and Chromie> I’m still curious what business high elves have with this investigation of yours, though, Inspector. And…a gnome?
CHROMIE: Hiya!
GARROSH: Ah. Right, well, you see, Mr. Kelly, these are special undercover agents, on loan from Silvermoon and…someplace where there are gnomes. Regrettably. Anyway, these are my top operatives – The Legs, The Noz, and Mrs. Robbin’-Son.
CHROMIE: I hate you.
GARROSH: No you don’t.
KELLY: Huh. I see. Well I suppose that explains that—
Behind Kelly’s back, Utvoch’s polymorph wears off and he poofs back into his human appearance.
UTVOCH: The hell was—
Liadrin slaps a hand over Utvoch’s mouth, and she and Faranell pull him back to stand with them.
LIADRIN: Ssshhh!!
KELLY: —but you still haven’t accounted for having a damned sheep in your room!
LIADRIN: What sheep?
FARANELL: I don’t see a sheep.
UTVOCH: Did you guys not see—OWW!!
KELLY: <looking around> It was right here when I first came in.
GARROSH: Are you sure?
MOKVAR: I don’t remember there being a sheep in here.
FARANELL: I’m pretty sure I would have noticed if there were a sheep in my room.
GARROSH: I wouldn’t be much of an inspector if I’d missed something like that.
LIADRIN: Certainly not one of the king’s select agents.
GARROSH: Yep yep. Right hand man of King Terribad, that’s me.
LIADRIN: Actually, it’s Tere—
GARROSH: It’s what his friends call him.
LIADRIN: Of course.
KELLY: Hmm… Well… It must be gone now. Though I haven’t a notion of where it could have gone. I know there was something up here making noises!
LIADRIN: Mr. Kelly, perhaps you should get some rest. I’m concerned that you may be working too hard and starting to imagine things.
KELLY: I’m not imagining things, missy. I’m sure I heard a sheep up in this—
Kelly finds himself unable to finish his sentence, as his assertion is interrupted by his transformation into a sheep.
GARROSH: Well I’ll be damned. He’s right.
LIADRIN: Faranell!
FARANELL: Did you have a way in mind to get him to leave? That didn’t also involve gallons of delightful irony?
GARROSH: Okay, okay, Utvoch, you herd the innkeeper on downstairs real quick, and then we can get back to business.
UTVOCH: Yes, sir.
NOZDORMU: And, for my part, I believe the time has come for me to make my exit. Before I’m forced to witness any more absurdity that I can never unwitness.
GARROSH: Later, Noz.
SORIDORMI: <aside> I don’t know why it surprises you, of all people.
NOZDORMU: <aside> It’s not that it surprises me, it’s just… Ugh, that one in particular.
SORIDORMI: <aside> Well don’t blame me. I didn’t have to find a nice Mag’har girl to get to coincidentally cross paths with Grom…
NOZDORMU: <aside> I know, I know, I thought it would calm him down a bit.
SORIDORMI: <aside> And how did that work out?
So anyway…as much as I’d like to invest some more time in beating some sense (or unconsciousness) into Utvoch, that’s going to have to wait for now. Mokvar seems to have some kind of brainstorm for something we can do, and we’re starting to run short on time, so we’ve got to get things rolling. More soon.
“Why do I have a sudden craving for dandelions?”
By way of apology
Taking a short break from packing a few things for Nagrand. I was just talking to Eitrigg, and he was pointing out how I got all worked up thinking Varian and Jaina were behind what happened in Demon Fall Canyon, and suggested – fasten your seat belts for this one – that I might want to do something to acknowledge that they really didn’t have anything to do with it. Like…apologize. Which in general I’ve gotta say is a pretty WTF idea, but considering how testy I’ve been the last week or so, I guess it might not be a horrible idea to try to…I don’t know…be a little nice, I guess.
So I’m going to try this very unfamiliar gesture using a fairly familiar form – you guessed it, EPIC VERSE style. Simple, straightforward form, courtesy of Chen Stormstout’s people. Here goes…
Falsely accused, true:
Not your fault for a change — still,
Fuck you, Varian.
Yeah, I know it kind of took a left turn at the end. I tried. I mean we’re talking about fucking Varian here.
Where (almost) everybody knows your name
This is what I get for trying to take my mind off things.
You have logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh nice
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I had to farm Regional Convention quite a few times, but it ended up working out.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Warchief.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey boss
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] it looks really good
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] especially with that chest
[Guild][Lorthemar] Just so I understand, you mean you’re able to change your armor to look like other armor?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I still need to work on a briefcase off-hand. Right now I’m still rather mismatched.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Evening, Garrosh.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how are you holding up?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yes its transmog
[Metzen] has logged on.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll live
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey metzen
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Metzen.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How have you been?
[Guild][Lorthemar] So how does it work?
[Guild][Metzen] heya
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] are you sure you’re okay to be playing?
[Guild][Metzen] not bad
[Guild][Metzen] busy with work
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean I know you’re dealing with a lot right now
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, don’t feel like you have to log on because of the guild.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you have to go to a tailor
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Basically you need to acquire a piece of gear whose appearance you’d like to duplicate; then you pay a fee to alter the appearance of the gear you want to change.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah we can hold down the fort here
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m okay
[Guild][Metzen] oh crap, you’re not talking transmog, are you?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol yup
[Guild][Lorthemar] Is the fee in real money or game money?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, understood…what kind of work do you do? Not to be nosey, of course.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Metzen.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well not okay but I’ll manage
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] They have been for about an hour.
[Guild][Metzen] ugh
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] game money
[Guild][Metzen] no its ok
[Guild][Lorthemar] Ah.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right now it’s either this or sit around doing nothing but stewing
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah I can see that
[Guild][Metzen] i guess you can say i’m a supervisor at my work, we do a lot of different things really
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So I figure I might as well log on and try to distract myself
[Guild][Metzen] a lot of the work is sort of confidential so i cant be too specific
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you don’t like transmog?
[Guild][Metzen] i dont mind it
[Guild][Metzen] if you want to waste your time on it thats your business
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] They haven’t built micro-transactions into the game for real money that way, Lorthemar.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not yet
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] transmog is pretty much a cash sink they built in
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Give them time.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, no kidding.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Understood, Metzen. I certainly don’t want to intrude.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh and belated greetings, Omgipwnedurface.
[Guild][Metzen] its fine
[Guild][Lorthemar] And hello, Metzen.
[Guild][Metzen] right now i’m mostly trying to sort out plans for sort of a reclamation project in hillsbrad
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] They will eventually, just you watch.
[Guild][Metzen] hey lorthemar
[Guild][Metzen] are you new?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Interesting.
[Guild][Lorthemar] No.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’ve done a fair bit of work there myself.
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m pretty sure I joined the guild before you did, actually.
[Guild][Metzen] oh lol
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] anyway BQ that set of yours is coming along great, I still want to find a good uniform to transmog for myself
[Guild][Metzen] i guess you’re probably not on a lot
[Guild][Metzen] so i just havent seen you much
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If you think a sounding board would help, I’d be happy to help as best I can. Depending on how much you’re at liberty to say, of course.
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m on every day.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Usually for several hours at a time.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You didn’t get something from your nurse class quests, Nightengayle?
[Guild][Metzen] oh
[Guild][Metzen] nice life, then
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] heh
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I did, but those were all sort of the standard scrubs, I think I’d like to find one of those white one-piece ones
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I really do like him
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] um actually
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Spazzle, check your whispers a moment?
[Guild][Metzen] nah it should be fine livindead – just that we have some new workers there and their a little erratic
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh ok brb
[Guild][Metzen] just have to keep them on a short leash is all
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh *those*
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I’ve seen a few of them around
[Guild][Metzen] i think proudleslie has one of those actually
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] They’re rare.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Why am I not surprised?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t remind me
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Metzen, I’m very familiar with that problem. Perhaps if you could say a bit more about where in Hillsbrad you’re focusing your attention, I could help offer a few organizational suggestions.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] do you know where they come from
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Silvermoon
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Guild][Lorthemar] What does that mean?
[Guild][Metzen] hmm maybe
[Guild][Metzen] sometimes its good to hear from someone who’s not involved with something
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] They’re a random drop in the Nevada sub-zone.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Exactly, Metzen.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh pooh
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You can find them on the AH sometimes, but they’re usually pretty expensive since they’re a pain to farm up.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But also fairly high in demand.
[Guild][Metzen] i seriously dont understand why people sink so much time and money into that kind of thing
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah that makes sense
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] still a pain
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right there with you, Metzen
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I understand why you’d like to get one.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Admittedly, most of the female gear models look a bit conservative for my tastes as well.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Personally I would run instances in a pink dress if it gave me the best stats
[Guild][Metzen] lmao pwn
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or hell, Outland-looking gear
[Guild][Lorthemar] I don’t see what’s wrong with the outfits they’re talking about, really.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hang on, don’t get crazy.
[Guild][Metzen] no, stay with the pink dress
[Guild][Metzen] it suits you better
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] haha
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Metzen
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] hah
[Guild][Metzen] hehe
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wait a minute
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did anyone else see that?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see what?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, wait, that was kind of peculiar.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Metzen
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh weird
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Guild][Metzen] yeah ok you made the joke once that’s enough haha
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, hold on
[Guild][Lorthemar] Um, what’s going on?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Bartleby
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wtf
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Nightengayle
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey hold on, what did I do?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] double wtf!!
[Guild][Lorthemar] See, this is why I wonder about everyone here really being your friend…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Livindeadgrl
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Garrosh, seriously, what the hell?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] no no I know what he’s doing
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Garrosh.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Lorthemar
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What is he doing, then?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well I never!
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] control group
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Garrosh.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay now
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Mezten
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, please stop.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what the hell is going on?
[Guild][Metzen] wtf dude it stopped being funny already
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Garrosh, please listen, we have an opportunity here if you just take a moment.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] really chief, you maybe want to listen to her
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] pwn I know you’re upset right now but it wont help you to push away your friends ok?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, please, you need to stop.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Metzen
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ugh I tried
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OMG I KNOW WHO YOU ARE MOTHERFUCKER
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Could someone please explain what the hell is going on?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -sigh-
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ??
[Guild][Metzen] the hell?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it’s varian
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] …What?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OH DON’T FUCKING ACT LIKE YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHOSE GUILD YOU WERE WEASELING YOUR WAY INTO
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And there goes Gilneas…
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] metzen is varian
[Guild][Metzen] dude are you going to explain what the hell you’re screaming about or have you just gone off the deep end?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] FUCK YOU, VARIAN
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh shit…
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hang on tabbing out
[Guild][Metzen] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] !!!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Wait, seriously?
[Guild][Metzen] how the hell did you know that
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] THE PURPLE PROSE DOESN’T LIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH
[Guild][Metzen] hold on, what do you care that I’m varian wrynn?!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Good heavens, it’s true?!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg garrosh!!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] For FUCK’S SAKE stop acting like you don’t know, human!
[Guild][Metzen] garrosh?!?!?!?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] LIVE AND IN PERSON, BITCH!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well maybe not in person
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] BUT YOU GET THE IDEA
[Guild][Metzen] your an even bigger idiot than i thought
[Guild][Metzen] if you seriously think i would ever voluntarily join a guild
[Guild][Metzen] with you or any of you horde scum!!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] HEY
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ok back
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh fuck have I got some bad news for you, asshole
[Guild][Lorthemar] I will have you know, sir, I am a proud leader of the Horde!
[Guild][Metzen] holy shit, you’re THAT lorthemar?!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Where could you possibly have gone to in the middle of *this*?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Wait, he is?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what lorthemar?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] news to me
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -sigh-
[Guild][Lorthemar] I am indeed, sir!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well ok whatevers going on with lorthemar, I’m rocking the horde pride too!
[Guild][Metzen] THE FUCK
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh well, cat’s out of the bag now.
[Guild][Metzen] how many of you are there in this damned guild
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] garona halforcen here, don’t believe we’ve met
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At least one more, Varian. Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, at your service.
[Guild][Metzen] OMG GARONA
[Guild][Metzen] and sylvanas??
[Guild][Metzen] wtf!!!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Dude, you fucking joined a guild called <Warchief>
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh hey varian
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Either you knew who you were hooking up with, or you really are cosmically stupid, seriously
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] last time I saw your dad he told me something for you
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] he’s kind of got you there
[Guild][Metzen] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ‘AAAAAAAAA!!!!!’
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lmao
[Guild][Metzen] omg
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Guild][Metzen] listen you filthy half-breed, you just wait
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] until what?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you type mean things at me?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Okay, *that* was good.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah I’m thinking there’s not too much harm you can do by typing
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] thanks BQ
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] hahaha
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay so as fun as it is to give you an earful, Varian
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] and by the way, fuck you
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh and hey varian
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I think it’s time I show you the door
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] quick pro tip before you go – erase your internet history
[Guild][Metzen] ok listen orc scum
[Metzen] has been kicked from the guild.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] BAM
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] rofl
[Guild][Lorthemar] Huzzah!
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Okay, so that was pretty fun.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so also
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hmm?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] that was totally true what I was saying, about how there wasn’t much harm varian could do by typing
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well yeah, sticks and stones
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] key detail being, not much harm HE could do by typing
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ME, on the other hand…
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh man.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ohhhh…
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] What did you do, Spazzle?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I figured he was about to get kicked so I tabbed over before he had time to go offline, and um
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hehe
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] kind of backloaded a virus onto his computer
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OMG hahaha!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] no way
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so yeah
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] in about five minutes the virus is going to access his address book
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] and e-mail a catalog of all the porn on his computer to everyone he knows
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] lmao
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Dude that’s awesome
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] is
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] epic
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Spazzle, I think I love you. ^_^
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] 3P1C!!!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, okay, I know it was awesome and all, Garona, but that’s no call for retard-speak
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol ok
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so as much as I needed a good laugh today
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Time to get serious again
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] uh oh
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s up?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, uh oh.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Do you two want to explain
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] how it is that apparently YOU knew that guy was Varian
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] and didn’t bother to tell me?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh man.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Shit just got real.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sorry boss
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That was my doing, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Uh huh…I’m listening
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] “Metzen” had said a few things last week that made me suspicious, so I had Spazzle trace his IP address.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He confirmed that Metzen was logging on from Stormwind.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] From there, it was simple enough…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so that covers the “how did you know” part
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m still waiting on the “why didn’t you fucking say something” part
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I didn’t intend to withhold the information from you indefinitely, Warchief.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah chief, we really were going to tell you
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I simply wanted to make absolutely sure by watching him a bit more in guild.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Also, I knew you would likely become upset when you learned Varian was in our guild…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah go FIGURE that
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] and I thought I could find a way to make you aware without your kicking him out immediately.
[Guild][Lorthemar] It got quiet all of a sudden.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Have to admit, you do have kind of a temper, boss…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so first of all
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Are there any MORE juicy little secrets I should know about?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OUT WITH IT
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that usually means the officers are talking
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well I also ran a trace on proudleslie
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh that’s right, they joined together
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t tell me she’s Alliance too
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She is indeed.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] um yeah
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I traced her ip to theramore
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Theramore
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OMG
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ohhhh wait, this is making a lot more sense now.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Is Proudleslie Manageurdeath?!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh? About what?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Holy shit did that fucker actually roll an alt just to sneak into my guild?!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Um…who is this you’re talking about?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] no no not him
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] garrosh’s old gm
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah so on top of everything, is he one of those dudes who run around with a girl toon? Because that’s kind of iffy if you ask me
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] probably you
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] no
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] No.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not him, chief
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Theramore, Warchief.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who else do you know from Theramore?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Someone who would be playing the game with Varian.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OH
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh for fuck’s sake, THAT slut?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yup
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well to be fair, she…never mind. Yes, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Great. Just great
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I do wish you hadn’t kicked him out so quickly, though, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Why?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Why would we possibly want to have him sitting here in our midst?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If we could have kept him without letting on that we knew his identity, I believe we could have plied valuable information from him about Alliance operations.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] she was already working on it
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I have to admit, it could have been a good way to get some inside information.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, you’re not getting it
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re not getting it at all
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not getting what?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There was already too much inside information being passed around in this guild.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I need to go
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I need to go now.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, what is it?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ve got a bad feeling about this
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] For goodness’ sake, can you stop quoting machinima for two minutes?
You have logged off.
Chat log’d
I’ve been sinking a lot of time into Earth Online this week, so I figured I’d toss up another one of these logs from <Warchief> guild chat. We’ve been getting some new members joining, so that’s good, although now that it’s not just a bunch of people I know in real life, I’m having to be a little more careful about RL info. You know how it is. Actually, you probably don’t, seeing as most of you aren’t famous and important and shit like I am. Anyway, point being, I figure it will save us all some headaches in-game if everyone doesn’t know I’m Garrosh, or Sylvanas is Sylvanas, or…well, we’re the only ones who really matter, honestly. But you get the point.
You have logged on.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Dammit!
[Guild][Metzen] UGH
[Guild][Proudleslie] well at least we were closer that time
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey chief
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey
[Guild][Metzen] did you get all the interrupts there?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I did.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] greetings sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Gil
[Guild][Metzen] are you sure? it looked like he got one off at the end right when livin & i died
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No, I got all of them.
[Guild][Metzen] it’s not showing up in the logs
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Let’s just finish running back, and we can argue about it later.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What are you guys running?
[Guild][Proudleslie] heroic cc
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] ComicCon heroic
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Last boss
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah, okay, the comic dealer guy is kind of tough
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] So we’re finding.
[Guild][Metzen] yeah
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] All right, let’s get healed up and rebuffed.
[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged on.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey gayle
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hello nighten
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ugh thank goodness
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s wrong?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It’s you guys and the new people in there, right?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I got hacked
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh damn
[Guild][Metzen] oh yikes that sucks
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not me
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Me, Mokvar, Metzen, and Proudleslie, yes.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right, I didn’t mean you, Spaz
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] did you lose anything, gayle?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t think so
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] looks like they restored everything
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] How are they doing?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Not bad.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but I don’t think whoever hacked me was trying to steal stuff
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] why?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Fairly well, I’d say.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well my toon is stuck out here in the middle of nowhere
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] egypt I think
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] weird
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Metzen’s a little pull-happy, seems like he just can’t stand to wait a couple seconds to start a new fight.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The paramedic isn’t playing *badly*, although she seems to have kind of a low active time.
[Guild][Metzen] yeah that is odd
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and if they just wanted to steal my stuff you would figure they’d have me parked by a post office
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hmm yeah
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m not sure if she’s just learning a new rotation or distracted or what.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] do you want me to do a little looking for you?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] sure
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But they’re staying out of the bad and stuff like that?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] As far as I can tell, yeah.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] kk I’m going to e-mail you with a couple pieces of info I’ll need you to look up for me, then I can poke around a little
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok
[Guild][Metzen] oh damn, badcrumble’s like some master computer guy huh?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Dude, you have no idea
[Guild][Metzen] maybe he’s the one that hacked her haha
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Okay, let’s try this again.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Nah, he wouldn’t do that
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Plus he would be too busy reading comic books or something
[Guild][Metzen] haha nerd
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] …
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Heh… Yeah maybe, but he’s our nerd
[Guild][Metzen] lol
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Metzen, attention over here now please.
[Guild][Metzen] ok
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Let me know how it goes this time through
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I know that fight can be a pain in the ass
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Good luck
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thanks.
[Dranosh | Utvoch] has logged on.
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] hey guys
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] um…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] wtf
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] …
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Dude
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] ?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What the hell is up with your name?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] damn your an idiot
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] oh yeah i did a paid name change
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I get that
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] figured i might as well get rid of the generic name and get a real one
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right, and that’s fine
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that’s not the point
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But THAT name?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] NOT COOL, dude
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] totally not cool
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] um ok?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] /headdesk
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] sigh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] NO
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It is NOT “ok”
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] what’s wrong with this name?
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] it means heart of draenor in orcish
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT FUCKING MEANS
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] do you not know whose name that is?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] really really not cool
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that’s really disrespectful
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] do you like know someone with this name?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] head
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] desk
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, YEAH
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] you think he would mind or something?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And he was killed by the Lich King
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] he died
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] OH
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] crap
[Guild][Proudleslie] damnit
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] BAH
[Guild][Metzen] fuckkkk
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] ok ok i’ll go change it back
[Guild][Dranosh | Utvoch] be back later
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] still no luck?
[Dranosh | Utvoch] has logged off.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well they’re not talking to…never mind
[Guild][Proudleslie] no
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s killing you?
[Guild][Metzen] hey was that guys toon named after saurfangs kid?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Guild][Metzen] that’s totally not cool
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] INORITE?
[Guild][Metzen] lights sake
[Guild][Metzen] I dont know what the hell is wrong with some people
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m not sure. It’s the same as last time; we seemed to be doing fine, and then the whole attempt fell apart.
[Guild][Metzen] i have a son myself, and if something happened to him i would be PISSED if someone went around using his name
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I can imagine, Metzen
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not cool at all
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, the boss just started one-shotting everyone.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I think it’s some kind of enrage.
[Guild][Proudleslie] its really frustrating
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Anyway
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re using the superhero buffs, right?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes.
[Guild][Proudleslie] if you want to swap me out for a better healer I’ll understand
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’m getting the utility belt, LivinDead is getting the golden lasso
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I don’t think it’s a healing issue, Leslie.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Metzen’s getting the green power ring
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] who has the web shooters?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Wrong faction.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s one of the other faction’s buffs.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol in my other guild we do the marvel ones
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so you’ve got the buffs covered
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know what to do when he casts Zero Hour, right?
[Guild][Metzen] run out
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Get away from him till he finishes channeling, yeah.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well yeah, run out
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh wait a minute
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Are we missing something?
[Guild][Proudleslie] mmmm yea you like when I do that?
[Guild][Proudleslie] oops sorry mistell!
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wut
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] um
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OKAY MOVING ON
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I suppose that might account for her low active time…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Just watch, she’s a human…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So yeah, you have to get out when he’s casting, but then you’ve got to get back to where you started the fight and retrace your steps
[Guild][Metzen] huh
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, I think I’ve heard of this mechanic.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It’s kind of a dance
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I just didn’t realize it was this fight.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, basically the game remembers all your movements for each cycle
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Any time you make a mistake retracing your steps, you get this stacking debuff called Retcon
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So every time the comic dealer does the Zero Hour reset, you have to get back to where you started
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] If your Retcon debuff stacks too high, his Nerdrage timer goes off and yeah, pretty much wipes the group right off
[Guild][Metzen] ahhh
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] This makes a lot more sense now.
[Guild][Proudleslie] it doesnt seem too hard
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Must…resist…easy…joke
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -sigh- Men.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Okay, rebuff and let’s get this done.
[Guild][Metzen] kk
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey gayle, still there?
[Lorthemar] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yes
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so I did a little tracing on the logins for your account
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you’re not going to believe this
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, all!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi lorthemar
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey whos the new guy?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well I think I’ve tracked down who the hacker was
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It wasn’t Sylvanas, was it? Please tell me it wasn’t Sylvanas
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] actually since he brought it up, who IS the new guy?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Friend of Sylvanas
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] who?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] the new guy, lorthemar
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] no not that who
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the hacker who
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] the hacker who what?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] check this out
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The hacker who HACKS YOUR SKULL INTO LITTLE TINY BITS if you don’t SHUT UP
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’m pretty sure your account was hacked by brann bronzebeard
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sorry sir
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg
[Guild][Lorthemar] Brann Bronzebeard, the explorer?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wow thats fucked up
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, Brann Bronzebeard the district attorney. OF COURSE the explorer
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, I double and triple checked on this
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh wow.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] the suspicious logins were all coming in through a wireless network very few people use
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] since when is brann bronzebeard a hacker?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh, man, that dude could NEVER resist poking around places he doesn’t belong
[Metzen] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Comic Con]!
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Comic Con]!
[Bartleby | Mokvar] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Comic Con]!
[Proudleslie] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Comic Con]!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats!
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] grats
[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations, all!
[Guild][Metzen] whew
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Well that was much easier.
[Guild][Proudleslie] woot!
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] And of course…he drops teacher gear.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh dammit!
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] anyway gayle, I’ll send you what I found in case you want to contact support about it
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The itemization is far from ideal, but I might take it to play around with for off-sepc.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok thanks
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Sure, all yours.
[Guild][Metzen] its just a pawn shop voucher to the rest of us
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Anyway, though, grats guys
[Guild][Proudleslie] ty pwn! =)
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Thanks.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] See, all you needed was the intervention of my SUPREME BRILLIANCE
[Guild][Metzen] oh good, now he’s going to be even more full of himself
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] lol
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh you have no idea
[Guild][Metzen] hey speaking of which
[Guild][Metzen] how many guild leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh boy, here we go
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] haha
[Guild][Lorthemar] How many?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thanks for the help, though, Garrosh, really.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No biggie
[Guild][Metzen] just one – he holds it still, and the whole world revolves around him
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] haha
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck you, Metzen
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i dont get it
[Guild][Metzen] lmao
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Haha
[Guild][Metzen] just kidding – I’m kind of in charge at my job irl so I know what a pain it can be
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, it’s cool
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I mean, joking around is cool
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Being in charge of stuff not so much sometimes
[Guild][Metzen] yeah but then, who knows what idiot would be making a mess of everything otherwise
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I like this guy.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, he seems pretty good.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hmm what?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh nothing.
[Guild][Metzen] anyway i should probably get going
[Guild][Metzen] need to go pick my son up at the priest trainers
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Just a passing thought.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Huh.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] k metzen
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] cya
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Later man
[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Why are you being all cryptic all of a sudden
[Guild][Lorthemar] Farewell!
[Metzen] has logged off.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Never mind, don’t mind me.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Probably nothing.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] brb
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no I’m just logging on now
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey man
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] um…yeah you are
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] why the ‘no’?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] someone said farewell when i came on
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have you people seriously not figured out not to ask him to explain when he says something fucked up?
[Guild][Lorthemar] That was me, but I wasn’t talking to you.
[Guild][Lorthemar] That was for Metzen.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh ok
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey are you new?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Um…not really.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] huh ok
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] so anyway i changed my name back
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] obviously
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] so yeah that was some wasted gold
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] probably for the best, though
[Guild][Proudleslie] mmmmmm yea shoot it all over me
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah i guess
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg so so so sorry mistell!!
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] …
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] lol wut
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HEY HEY HEY HEY
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] TAKE THAT SHIT TO SECOND AZEROTH IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] what did i miss
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Wow…just…wow.
[Guild][Proudleslie] soooooo sorry!!!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you want us to answer that chronologically or in order of magnitude?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck is wrong with people, seriously
[Proudleslie] has logged off.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] Welcome to the internet…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay so on THAT note
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no seriously what did i miss
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I should get going in a minute. I need to help my mom with something
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ok boss
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ya i was just helping ur mom with something
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, because
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] um…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hold it
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] …
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh no
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on a minute
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok so even i know that was kind of dumb
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So I realize that “ha ha I fucked your mom ha ha” jokes are like the bread and butter of chat line retards all over the internet
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] is it weird that I’m not even in the same room as him and I’m seriously looking for something to hide behind?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But usually when you say that shit, you’re not saying it to, you know, somebody who KNOWS WHERE YOU FUCKING LIVE
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right there with ya, Spaz.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] and can GET THERE in like TEN MINUTES
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] lol
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sorry sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wont happen again
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah you better believe it won’t, fuckwit
[Guild][Lorthemar] Please don’t take offense, but are you all sure you’re really friends?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Because, well…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, not at all
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Welcome to the guild, by the way. Not sure if we’ve properly met
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i think he just joined
[Guild][Lorthemar] Um…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] ANYWAY, as I was saying
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] My mom’s been saying she’d like to go to Grom’s monument in Ashenvale
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And I’ve got a bunch of stuff I need to get done here the next couple days
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, that makes sense if she hasn’t been there.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But I’m going to try to clear things out so we can take a trip over there during the weekend
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So I should probably go take care of some of that
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] kk boss, see you later
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] back
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] cya
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] l8r sir
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sorry again
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] bye sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Later people
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And Dontrag
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Sleep lightly
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] pwned lol
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Take it easy, chief.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Spazzle, did you say you can track IP addresses from logins?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yup
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’d like you to check something for me if you don’t mind.
You have logged off.
Monday mailbag
Well it looks like we’re finally back to mail that’s just for ME, now that the bottomless pile of Saurfang fan mail is out of the way. So, let’s get right to it…
This is an open letter to the Archdruids Malfurion Stormrage and Lathorius. It involves the former’s recent mistreatment of a Flameward Hippogryph.
I don’t really have a “day job” as such. I do odd jobs for people like the Dragonmaw Clan, the Protectors of Hyjal, and I’m good enough to earn a fairly decent living at it. Lately, that’s involved a fair bit of time on the Molten Front. Archdruid Stormrage recently saw fit to reward my service with a gift of sorts. Anyway, I get home to my Silvermoon pad one day, and there’s a package waiting for me. I said “package”, it was actually more like a crate, with air holes in it. The postmarks read, “Mount Hyjal”, then “Darnassus”, then “Ratchet”, then “Booty Bay”, and finally, “Silvermoon”. Goblin Post, Fourth Rate. It was at this point that I noticed a whimpering coming from inside the crate.
Now, this is going to sound damned odd coming from a man who joined up with the Blood Knights back when the first lesson on the syllabus was “How To Punch A Captive Naaru In The Jumblies”, but…
Stormrage, you sick bastard, WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!? What on Azeroth possessed you to decide that this was a good idea? Surely, you could have sent it Express. Or, you probably know a mage or two. Or, left a note that I could pick him up next time I was over by Nordrassil. But Goblin Post? Fourth Rate? That’s just WRONG.
Then again, I have no idea why I’m surprised. What else would you expect of a man who’d stand by examining his fingernails while forty Horde raiders curb-stomp his wife?
For what it’s worth, Ted’s doing great. (I named him for Tederastrasz, a dragon I met over in Twilight Highlands.) I don’t normally like to ride animals. I usually prefer the throaty roar of a pair of Yoyodyne-Gadgetzan turboprops and the rhythmic thump of a well-balanced rotor shaft. And the occasional autorotative descent into hostile territory? Just part of the spice that makes life worth living. But now I feel obliged to take Ted out for as much fresh air and sunshine as possible, and I have to say, I’m growing fond of his company. He still flinches a bit when he sees a crate, but he’s just about gotten over that.
Anyway, Lathorius? Your shan’do Stormrage could use a stern talking-to.
–A Concerned Citizen
Good to hear from you as always, ACC. Gotta say, that really is pretty sick, not to mention pretty surprising, considering how old Antlers McBeardyface likes to play himself up as like Grand Master Nature Boy Ultra. I mean, listen, I’m not going to lie to you. It’s no secret that I’m not above a little tough love when it comes to Horde mounts, for purposes of promoting discipline and the kind of toughness that the military life calls for. But I can also tell you, in no uncertain terms, every one of our worgs, kodos, wyverns, whatever, gets three squares a day, plenty of water, and at least enough room to stretch its legs and move around some. Not to mention that when they finally come up for retirement, they get an enormous feast before we slice them up into chops.
But yeah, taking an animal like that and shipping it around by slow mail in a crate? That’s just sick. Especially when you consider how much care those goblins DON’T take to observe the “Handle With Care” labels. Dude, you should have SEEN the shape my Champions of the Horde commemorative plates were in by the time they got to me, and those were even shipped THIRD class. I’m still looking for all the pieces of Rexxar. I don’t even want to THINK of what the fourth rate treatment would be.
Hopefully Lather-on-us will get right on this. He’d BETTER, actually, considering how quick he always is to get on my ass for something way less than this. All I’m gonna say is if he lets this thing slide with Antlers, I better not be getting another protest in my front yard the next time I order the veal.
Personally, if it were ME, I’d probably suggest keeping an eye on old Antlers until the next time he goes More Than Meets the Eye into one of his kajillion animal forms, then throw a net on him, shuffle him off into a nice tight crate, then ship him Super Slow Take Your Effing Time rate to his priestess chick. (Bonus points if she’s not able to sign for the package because she’s too busy getting curb-stomped at the time.)
Anyway, ACC, I’m glad you’re having a good time with Ted. Rescue mounts can have their quirks, no question about it, but over time it does get better, once they’ve had time to realize that they’re safe now. And remember, yeah, those roflcopters are cool and all, but a roflcopter can’t love.
By the same token, a roflcopter can’t get explosive diarrhea all over your new monogrammted sheets that your Greatmother sent you for your birthday. But life’s all about trade-offs, right?
Being that you are easier to contact than your predecessor, I thought this an appropriate time to place my thoughts, as it were, upon your plate. In particular, I wish to discuss your support for our efforts in Silithus.
While I realise that Kalimdor is a large continent and that Silithus is perhaps the most inhospitable and inaccessible area thereon, it remains a hotbed of activity for the Twilight’s Hammer cult. You yourself have seen this most recently, and I have had it impressed upon me that your recent requests for the stepping up of border patrols are vital to your present plans to deal with the Hammer. And so my druids and I will do all that we can, but… we are stretched thin.
In the time since the defeat of C’Thun, the flow of adventurers to this barren land has slowed to a trickle, and yet the Hammer becomes ever heavier, poised above these shifting sands. Why, I recently discovered that visitors to my command have of late been greeted by a representative of the Horde, who offers free magical transportation in order that your supporters might fight in some meaningless skirmish in a swamp on the other side of the world! Why can this service not be provided in order to send more aid to us in our time of need?
The sands of Silithus have seen much, but they are unique in Azeroth and still have much to offer to the brave. With the Cenarion druids largely occupied by certain troubles in Hyjal, I cannot even request aid from them. I am honour-bound to this post, and cannot abandon it. I am told that you value honour deeply. Will you then aid us?
–Commander Mar’alith, Silithus
Hey, Mar’alith, good to hear from you again. Also thanks for your help keeping the Twilight’s Hammer contained recently.
From the looks of it, your letter actually came in right about the same time I went out of commission for a little while, so hopefully in the intervening time things have gotten a little better. From what Saurfang tells me, while he was minding the shop, he came by with a few thousand friends and did a fair bit of Twilight smacking, so hopefully that put a dent in the problem. Still, I know those cultists can be like roaches – no matter how many you kill, there always seems to be tons more of them. (And you know, you wouldn’t really expect there to be THAT many crazy despairing suicidal lunatics ready to sign on to help destroy the world, would you? I mean, even if you assume the cult has a frigging amazing recruiting division, would you really figure they’d be able to drum up thousands upon thousands of these people like they do? Kind of makes you wonder about the world’s collective parenting skills, that we’ve got THAT many people turning out THAT damaged.)
I’ll try to do what I can for you, Mar’alith. As it stands, I put an announcement on all the command boards in Orgrimmar and Thunder Bluff encouraging adventurers to head your way and help out, but apparently that hasn’t been having much of an effect. I’ll double check the boards to make sure the notices are visible enough – with my luck, the announcements got covered by someone’s ad for a futon for sale or guitar lessons or something, with the little straggly rip-off pieces at the bottom with the contact info.
Thing is, though, I’m not sure there’s a whole lot we can do to get people to head down to Silithus voluntarily. Sure, there’s the portal transport thing you mentioned, but when you come right down to it, it’s not like getting to Silithus is much more of a nuisance than traveling to Tanaris or Un’goro Crater or, hell, even Felwood. I’m not going to lie to you, Mar’alith, your place down there is just plain creepy. Lots of people get a bad case of the skitters just running a few errands around the Writhing Deep or the Slithering Scar – and Silithus is like one giant Slithering Scar turned up to eleven. People go there and then spend the next two weeks scratching because they keep imagining things crawling on them. Combine that with the fact that, let’s face it, it’s not exactly a treat for the eyes down there either, and come on…how many people do you really think we’re going to get down there rather than, say, walking in a Winterspring wonderland? I mean, hell, by the time most of our adventurers are strong enough to be much help to you down there, they’re usually all fired up to push righ on past Silithus and head out to Thrallmar in Outland. Seriously, have you ever BEEN to Hellfire Peninsula? Do you really understand the magnitude of people basically being like “Yay, Hellfire Peninsula!” rather than sticking around Silithus?
I’m open to ideas, but I’m thinking that pot’s going to have to be WAY sweeter before we see a whole lot of improvement…
Can anybody be explainin’ what “Dranosh” means?
–Bob, Echo Isles
No no no no, dude, you’ve gotta know better than to ask about that shit, all you’re going to do is open up a—
If you will pardon the interruption, Warchief, I believe I can field this inquiry. I suspect our elocutionarily eccentric correspondent is asking about the roots of the name of my dear, departed son.
Oh fuck, here we go. Again.
If you will allow me. Ahem.
We named him Dranosh. It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.
Okay, well that answers that question. Thanks for clearing that up, Saurfang, now we can—
I would not let the warlocks take him. My boy would be safe, hidden away by the elders of Garadar.
I made a promise to his mother before she died; that I would cross the Dark Portal alone – whether I lived or died, my son would be safe. Untainted…
Yeah, okay, terrific, that worked out just fantastic for all involved. Hey, hang on a second, how did you even get in here anyway? The fuck is this? You said when you gave the keys back you were just going to head back up to Northrend and not interfere with the goings-on back here with me.
Today, I fulfill that promise.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. But I’m serious, how the hell are you even doing this? SPAZZLE!
Yeah, chief? What’s up?
I’ll TELL you what’s up, tech guy – Saurfang’s in here screwing around with the blog. I thought you had some kind of fucking security on this shit.
Huh, that’s weird. I’m not sure how he’d be able to—
I meant no offense, Warchief. It merely seemed the inquiry lent itself to an account of my own personal experience, and I felt as such it might be a boon to you…
Yes, Garrosh, he was only trying to help.
Hang on, wait a minute, who the fuck is THIS now?
Do you not recognize me, Warchief? You wound me. Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, at your service as always.
SYLVANAS?!
A pleasure to see you again, Dark Lady.
Hold on, you know her now?
And you as well, High Overlord. Congratulations once again on your successful albeit short-lived stewardship of the Horde. I was most gratified that the other Horde leaders were so quick to agree with my suggestion that you would be an ideal interim Warchief.
As I am gratified by the faith you all showed in me, Dark Lady.
Where do you know HER from?
Do you not recall, Warchief? I too served in Northrend during our triumphant campaign against the Lich King. I had occasion to meet Overlord Saurfang in the late stages of our campaign.
Ohhh, that’s right, you WERE up there, weren’t you? See, I forgot about that, seeing as Saurfang and I were spending most of our time on the whole successfully-taking-down-Arthas operation, as opposed to how you were mostly concentrating on the sneak-in-the-side-door-then-run-from-Arthas-like-a-little-girl wing.
Again you wound me, Warchief.
And hold on, how the fuck are YOU in here too?
In the blog? I hacked admin.
You what now?
You what now?
That’s what I said, only less green.
Just as I said. I hacked admin. ^_^
Oh man, hold on, I need to go check the IP’s again…
You hacked your way onto the blog? The fuck?
I’m not sure why you should be so shocked, Warchief. I’ve done this many times before. Not on your blog specifically, of course, but…
Haha, this is awesome.
Oh for FUCK’s sake, who’s THIS now?
What, you don’t recognize me either, filthy orc?
Oh crap, I can tell this is going to mean all kinds of overtime. I was just getting my rotation down on Earth Online, too…
WHO IS THIS?
Varian Wrynn, King of Stormwind, you brainless half-wit!
OMG WTF
Yeaahhh, this is gonna mean a whole big system overhaul… So much for me trying to save some money on firewalls…
You seriously think I don’t keep an eye on you and your Horde devils?
Fuck you, Varian.
Indeed, Dark Lady!
Stay out of this, witch!
Wait, what? I didn’t say that.
Who did, then?
That was me.
Why was it purple, then? I’m using the purple.
For fuck’s sake, do you not READ the blog?
He’s got a point there.
My text ALWAYS goes purple when I say “Fuck you, Varian.” SEE? It’s like a running thing, I’ve been doing it for months!
But I’m using the purple now. It’s my color. Would it have been so bad not to use purple just this once, for the sake of not confusing people needlessly?
Hold on, are you actually bitching that my choice of text color isn’t showing adequate consideration FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SOMEHOW HACKING THEIR WAY INTO MY BLOG EDITOR?
He’s kind of got you there, too.
Not the editor. I hacked admin. We’ve been over this.
I seriously never get tired of watching you vile creatures fight amongst yourselves.
You would be wise to watch yourself, King Varian.
I would expect at least a little courtesy from you, Saurfang, from one father to another.
I have already addressed this with you, Highness. I will not stand by while the Horde is insulted, however much I may appreciate the kindness you once showed to me over my son.
Dranosh, wasn’t it?
Indeed.
Is that a family name or something?
OH FUCK NOT AGAIN
Not as such. It means “Heart of Draenor” in orcish.
Ask him about the warlocks.
WHOSE FUCKING SIDE ARE YOU ON?!
What about the warlocks?
DAMMIT SYLVANAS!
I would not let the warlocks take him. My boy would be safe, hidden away by the elders of Garadar.
WE’VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THIS LIKE EIGHT TIMES
Apologies, Warchief, but…it’s just so easy!
Still not as easy as everybody on the whole fucking internet breaking into my BLOG, though, apparently!
I know, I know, I’m already changing my sign-up status for the alt raid this weekend… <sigh>
Look at it this way, Saurfang: your son died honorably for an honorable cause, far better than most of your kind. At least this way he can be spared a far worse end when your empire of villainy falls to the Alliance.
Also, I like to talk really tough because I think that way no one will suspect what a small penis I have.
Oh and I have trouble getting it up ever since Benedictus bad-touched me in the confessional booth when I was an altar boy.
WHAT THE HELL I DIDN’T SAY THAT
It certainly looks like you did. <guffaw>
I have it on fairly good authority that’s a true story, too.
I DID NOT SAY ANY SUCH THING YOU DEVILS!
Oh did I mention how I couldn’t perform at all until Tiffy-Wiffy took me home and played dress-up for me?
OMG YOU LEAVE TIFFIN OUT OF THIS!!!
<giggle>
Oh hey YOU’RE making him say that?
You are? How, Dark Lady?
Admin. ^_^
SEE? SEE? I’VE ALWAYS SAID YOU HORDE ARE EVIL!
Behind closed doors I like to wear dresses!
DAMN YOU, SYLVANAS! THE HELL WITH YOU ALL, I’M LOGGING OFF!
Hee! ^_^
Okay, you know what, that was totally worth it.
Indeed it was an amusing diversion, albeit immature; but I suppose you young folk need find your pleasures in your own way. And with that, Warchief, I believe I shall take my leave.
From the blog you mysteriously popped into through some means I still don’t know what the fuck they were? Yeah, okay.
A good day to you, Warchief. Honor go with us all.
Gotta admit, much as I’m still pretty pissed that you were able to hack in here so easily like that—
I know, I know, I’m clearing out next week too…
—what you did to Varian there was pretty awesome. You might not be so bad after all, Sylvanas.
Thank you, dear Warchief. While I’m here, incidentally, might we take a moment to review my concerns about the conduct of Captain Bloodfist?
Not right now, Sylvanas. It’s been a long day, okay? We can get into it another time soon.
As you wish, Warchief. In that case, I’ll leave you to your mailbag and return to my work here in the Undercity.
Yeah, you do that, Sylvanas. Luckily, that was the last letter for this week, and it’s probably a good thing too, since I don’t know if I’m in a mood to deal with any more weirdness in one day. So I think it’s time to wrap this up for today. I’ll post again soon, everyone.
Also don’t forget I don’t really have the faintest idea what I’m doing, and the Horde probably would have been better off staying under Saurfang. But at least I’m easily influenced.
~_^
Monday, so I am told, Mailbag
Citizens of the Horde,
I am an orc of my word; some days ago I invited you to write to me with your thoughts and inquiries, and promised I would answer them as is customary in this space. Today I fulfill that promise.
I write to you from our outpost in Silithus, as I prepare to begin our movement into Ahn’Qiraj. Perhaps this exercise will be helpful in clearing my thoughts before the coming battle. Let us begin.
Have you read any good books lately?
–Tarrful, Orgrimmar
Sadly, my hectic schedule as acting Warchief does not allow me the leisure time to pursue recreational reading. Fortunately, I do make a point of conducting regular briefing sessions to ensure I am kept abreast of important and relevant information, to ensure that the absence of reading time has not caused me to miss something of import.
[Saurfang doesn’t read books. He stares them down until they give him the information he wants. –Mkvr., ed.]
Do you play Earth Online too? If so, what server are you on? What class do you play?
–Kalaban, Undercity
I’m afraid I don’t know what this “Earth Online” is that you speak of. By context, I would surmise it is some sort of diversion or recreational activity involving the internet. Sadly, my schedule already calls for me to spend too much time safeguarding the future of the Horde and saving the world from annihilation for me to invest much leisure time in such matters. Also, I am an adult.
If Thrall and Garrosh ever finished that duel they started back before the Northrend campaign, who do you think would win?
–Kulkesh, Razor Hill
I could not even venture a guess as to the outcome of a battle between two such mighty combatants; and moreover, I can only hope that such a wasteful conflict might never occur.
[If Thrall ever dueled Garrosh to completion, the winner would be Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]
I must say, I was expecting these inquiries to revolve around matters of greater weight and import. Nevertheless, we carry on.
When the orcs began dabbling in necromancy, did you ever consider becoming a Warlock? I know you’re a pretty badass Warrior and all, but did you ever think it might be fun to have demon minions and dot people up?
–Davan Shadowspring, Silvermoon City
There was never a point when I was tempted to indulge in the fel magics of the warlocks. Indeed, I suspected even then that no good would come of my people’s dabbling in shadow magic. Moreover, I fail even to see the appeal of such practices; I find it much more honorable and rewarding to confront my enemy face-to-face in combat and best him hand-to-hand, rather than standing at a distance and resorting to trickery. There is a certain gravity and satisfaction to be found in feeling the weight and heft of a solid, reliable blade in one’s hands. And besides, I can assure you, if one is sufficiently proficient in the martial arts, one does not need a precarious spell to make one’s foes flee in fear.
[Damn, Saurfang almost beat me to the punch on this one: Every time a warlock makes someone run away in fear, he pays a royalty to Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]
I’m glad to see someone in charge again in Orgrimmar who’s at least somewhat respectable. I would wish you well in your efforts, except that in this case that would probably entail you actually finding Garrosh, and honestly that would end up leading to more trouble than it would be worth. So, here’s wishing you a mixed bag that keeps you in your current position for a while.
–King Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
P.S. Sorry to hear your men were stuck in those underground tunnels on Alcaz Island. Those things are creepy as hell. For years, I had these bizarre recurring nightmares that I was stuck down there, and barely even knew myself. Freaky stuff…
While I remain thankful to you, King Varian, for the kindness you showed me in light of the loss of my son, I nevertheless cannot let such denigrations against our Warchief go unanswered. I may remind you, however much good will may exist between you and I personally, I am first and foremost unwaveringly loyal to the Horde, and Warchief Hellscream is its rightful leader. I am myself, indeed, merely a part of which the Horde is a larger whole; and you may no more speak ill of our leader with impunity from me than you might strike one’s face and not expect the hand to respond in kind. And so, as Warchief Hellscream might comment in his own inimitable manner, I would take this occasion to invite you, King Varian, to engage in an act of self-copulation.
If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?
–Bob, Echo Isles
Vol’jin, I don’t know what it is that you’re trying to accomplish, or why you’ve chosen to adopt this puerile façade, but I would ask of you, please, recall your station. We are leaders of the Horde, and as such it is incumbent upon us to conduct ourselves with a modicum of maturity.
I know the Dragon Aspects have a lot on their plate these days, but considering the interest they have in Twilight’s Hammer activities, and the resources and information they have access to, have you considered reaching out to them for support in the search for Garrosh? Maybe have Thrall speak to them on your behalf?
–Zhurzigg, Orgrimmar
While it would indeed pain me to impose upon the hectic schedule of the Aspects, my time in Northrend did afford me the opportunity to develop a certain rapport with the Wyrmrest Accord. As a result, I was recently able to arrange a meeting with Nozdormu at the Caverns of Time. My original intention was to travel to Tanaris on the way to Silithus, but initial preparations detained me in Orgrimmar unexpectedly; fortunately Nozdormu was most gracious over my tardiness (in retrospect, I wonder if he knew in advance that I would be late, all things considered), and welcomed me for our discussion nonetheless.
[Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Saurfang. –Mkvr., ed.]
Sadly, Nozdormu was able to uncover no leads that might help us pinpoint the location of the Warchief. His ability to delve into past events is, in fact, somewhat compromised by current activities of the Infinite Dragonflight, which is impeding the Aspects’ plan to retrieve the powerful Dragon Soul artifact from the past.
(As an aside, I must admit I would be tempted myself to volunteer for this mission, as it would entail the opportunity to witness first-hand some of the events of the War of the Ancients, in which my dear brother Broxigar had participated.)
[Contrary to popular belief, the Sundering did not happen because of the collapse of the Well of Eternity. The landmasses of the world heard that Saurfang was at the Well, and so the continents split apart in different directions to try to get as far away as possible. As it turns out, the Saurfang present at the Well was Broxigar, not Varok, but you can hardly blame the continents for erring on the side of safety. –Mkvr., ed.]
Nozdormu does still have the power to access the future, but this would appear to have limited usefulness for our purposes. He did suggest at one point that he might move us forward in time to such a point as Warchief Hellscream has been recovered, and then acquire from our future selves the relevant information as to how and where. This, however, struck me as a rather dubious solution; as I explained to the Aspect, in such a circular approach to problem-solving, the actual answers and information would not seem to actually come from anywhere, but rather be produced of whole cloth out of nothing. Nozdormu’s only response was to roll his eyes and, waving a hand about, mutter “Wibbly wobbly, timey whimey.”
The ways of the Aspects truly are a mystery.
One final note in closing: The one aspect of responding to your mail in this format that I do not particularly like is its relatively impersonal nature. Indeed, I wish to apologize to those of you who have written to me directly for not having replied directly in kind. When attempting to log into my “e-mail account,” the machine demanded I provide a password; apparently the device did not find the resulting cleave to be sufficient proof of my identity.
[When Saurfang…oh, wait, he’s already got this one covered. Good deal, boss. –Mkvr., ed.]
By all means, continue to write to me, friends. Honor go with us all.
-Saurfang
Monday mailbag
Oh man, yesterday’s post with my latest EPIC VERSE really set off a shitstorm in today’s mailbag. Apparently there are some really pissed-off humans out there who had to get in their two coppers’ worth. So, here goes…
I don’t know why I keep checking on this “blog” of yours to see if there’s anything worth reading, or any signs of something redeemable about you or your kind. Without fail, my investigations are greeted by some despicable piece of drivel like you latest work of “poetry.” This time, though, you’ve gone over the line.
It’s bad enough to mock such noble citizens as Lady Proudmoore, whom I would think you’d show at least a modicum of respect if only out of deference to her (admittedly misguided) friendship with your countryman Thrall. And I’m not even going to dignify your snide insinuation about my son by discussing that point.
But to take advantage of the recent fall of our lost brother Benedictus, and to accuse him of some…misbehavior…which was responsible for some sort of perceived behavioral tendencies in my adult life…and that all of this somehow led to…performance issues on my part… And, hold on, Tiffin was a saint, okay? Don’t you even bring her into this! A saint! By the Light, I miss her, at least SHE understood, and…and finally someone made me feel safe enough to…ANYWAY THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. The point is, you’ve gone way over the line this time, Hellscream, and the day is coming soon when you’ll be made to pay.
–King Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
Fuck you, Varian.
That pretty much covers it, right?
Also: the prosecution rests, your honor.
(Also also: I love the part there about “I don’t know why I keep reading this blog” – it’s like this trend I keep seeing online whenever somebody starts hating on something: “OMG I hated that book! Hated it! And I read it SIX TIMES, and every time I hated it more!” Like…dude…just don’t read it, okay?)
With warmest regards, to Garrosh Hellscream, formerly Overlord of the Warsong Offensive, now Acting Warchief of the Horde:
It is with a heavy heart that I take up my quill to pen this note to you, good sir. It had long been my hope that human and orc alike might set down their petty differences and join hands in fellowship in pursuit of a higher calling. While we fought valiantly beside one another against the tyranny of the Lich King in our time together in Northrend, and stood shoulder to shoulder in the face of unspoken horrors as the minions of the wicked Scourge rose up to oppose us; while we laid to rest, I had once hoped to think, our superficial animosities during our time overseeing the preparation of our assault on Icecrown when we gathered together on the hallowed grounds of the Argent Tournament; despite all of these and many other considerations, through all of which I developed a healthy respect for you as a soldier and rising leader of your people, Warchief Hellscream, it now saddens me to see the depths to which you are willing to sink for the sake of petty, destructive childishness.
Who but our foes could profit from such actions? We defenders of Azeroth are weaker as a whole for such things. While we turn upon each other, the minions of death surely must sit back and smile in satisfaction as we undertake to do some of their work for them. It is a comfort, at least, that we left Northrend victorious, the Lich King having fallen, for surely were there still a Lich King he would delight in such strife between our people. And yet, while we may take some small comfort in the knowledge that the wretched undead Scourge shall no longer profit from our conflict, we must forge on in the knowledge that other foes still stand before us. The Burning Legion, the Twilight’s Hammer, the Old Gods themselves still remain, and surely it can only work to their advantage for us to dwell on such petty, trivial matters as those that you have chosen to glorify and pursue in your recent misguided writings.
Think on my words, young Warchief, for in them you will find, I will hope, a wisdom that may yet guide your stewardship of the Horde to higher and more noble grounds, and allow us all to rise above these petty conflicts to forge a brighter, stronger future for our people. May the Blessings of the Light go with you, and light the shadows that yet haunt your baser thoughts.
Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to locate some mead and matches.
–Highlord Tirion Fordring, Hearthglen
TL;DR, Tirion.
You lost me at the “orcs and humans joining hands” and singing Kumbaya and shit part. For real, dude?
Like seriously, part of me really wants to see what would happen if I locked this guy in a room with Dontrag and Utvoch. Only problem I could see is that either they would literally use up ALL the words and there would be none left for the rest of us to use anymore, or they would reach some kind of verbal critical mass and create a black hole of words that would threaten to suck the surrounding room and eventually the whole planet into it.
Oh, and speaking of sucking anything that’s nearby…
You are a sick, sick individual. I can’t begin to imagine how you can even think to write these things. I can only hope that one day you’ll manage to wake up from your adolescent haze and blossom into the maturity of the average twelve-year-old. Until then, I suppose I can only have pity on your pathetic, disgusting soul.
–Lady Jaina Proudmoore, Theramore
Gotta say, the “Lady” part of your name there really amuses me. Along those lines, from now on I think I’d like to be addressed as “Vegetarian Garrosh Hellscream.”
Anyway, don’t get mad at me just because your girlfriend’s mouth gets going after a few drinks. Maybe you should have worked a little harder to keep it otherwise occupied. OH NO HE DIDN’T!
Oh, and SPEAKING of whom…
I’m speechless. Utterly speechless. You swore up and down that anything we talked about would be between you, me, and the wall – little did I suspect that apparently you meant your FACEBOOK wall! What kind of a person do you have to be to swear confidentiality to someone, then run around blabbing it?
It really is sad that you feel so at ease with using alcohol to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable, easily influenced state. I would pray for you if I didn’t have such a headache.
–Argent Confessor Paletress
On the first point: I <3 irony.
On the second point: You know, when I saw the line about taking advantage of someone while they’re drunk, I was going to make a Jaina joke, but that wouldn’t be fair. Everybody knows you don’t have to get Jaina drunk. And I mean EVERYBODY, amirite?
Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you. I can’t begin to tell you how entertaining it is to watch you ants scamper back and forth, swiping unsuspecting at each other over nothing, and generally wearing each other down so that, when the time comes, your metaphorical anthill can be brought to nothing with 0.0003% resistance rather than 0.0005% resistance. Not only are you assuring me that my eventual, inevitable triumph will play out that much more smoothly, but you’re providing me with endless amusement in the process.
Please keep it up, all of you. You’re doing Titans’ work, as the saying goes. At least until I get around to undoing same.
–Sargeras, Twisting Nether
The hell?
(Literally?)
Also, since when do they get internet in the Twisting Nether? He’s able to frigging e-mail me from the TWISTING NETHER, and meanwhile if I get too close to an air elemental, my why-fly cuts out on me? I’ve got to get Spazzle on this.
Anyway, at least somebody is enjoying the blog.
Argent Gossip Girl
At long last, a little something for you to enjoy while I go look into matters in Feralas. My latest creation, BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT!
High Argent Confessor,
They call me that these days.
Once I was just Paletress,
No difference either way:
Just a simple Elwynn girl
Who joined the Argent Dawn;
I heard what would await me,
And baby, I was gone.
Truth is, I was not inspired
By service to the Light;
Nor did loathing of the Scourge
Compel me to the fight.
But to be a confessor?
To hear folks’ guilt and hurt?
I’ll comfort countless weary souls—
And hear some juicy dirt!
Confessions are in secret,
But wine is like truth serum;
And since you’re buying, between us,
I guess that you could hear ’em.
* * * * *
Mighty Warchief of the Horde,
Thrall: admired, revered, adored.
Blue-eyed orc,
Still a dork,
Way too straight and narrow.
Goody-two-shoes to the last:
Too few scandals in his past;
Worth adoring,
But so boring!
Straight A’s at Caer Darrow.
You should have some better stories,
Tales of blood and rage and glory!
Not a one?
You’re no fun.
Such wasted potential!
Green skin marked by fiendish fel stream;
Kill a pit lord, raise some Hellscream,
Drink and brawl,
Listen, Thrall,
You need badass credentials!
You’re a mighty shaman, true,
But people won’t be scared of you
When as bad
As you’ve had
Is library past-due.
Kick some ass and take some names.
Give me something; this is lame.
Clark Kent, drat.
(Wait, who’s that?)
Green, but you can work blue.
To be fair, such trials to weather,
You had to have your shit together.
Freed the clans,
Fought the man,
Birthright to reclaim, huh?
Maybe memory’s mildly muddy
From being Saurfang’s drinking buddy?
But if not,
Well, nice thought.
At least, hey, you banged Jaina.
* * * * *
Muradin,
Where’ve you been?
Hiding with the Frostborn.
Tale belied:
Thought you’d died
When the prince found Frostmourne.
Pain and grief,
Such relief
To know that you’re not dead.
Slick respawn:
Mem’ries gone
From when you bonked your head.
At least that’s what you tell them now.
Cover story? Yes, and how.
Luckily
You come to me
To unburden your spirit.
Really you just wanted out
From all the guilt and fear and doubt;
Plagued your mind,
What they’d find
And what they’d do to hear it.
Back when Moira went away
Dragged to BRD, they say.
Thaurissan
Was the man,
At least you let them think.
Now she’s joined the Dark Iron coven,
Little dwarf bun in the oven,
But forsooth,
Want the truth?
You’d better grab a drink.
Bronzebeard scandal – yeah, you guessed it.
You two went and straight incest’d it.
Yes you did.
Dagran’s kid?
That tale is kind of fishy.
She went hiding in the depths
While you by arctic winds were swept:
Better dead
Than inbred,
Except you’re not that squishy.
Muradin!
What a sin!
Knocking up your niece.
When he grows,
Has twelve toes:
A conversation piece.
Self-exiled,
So reviled,
Punishment exquisite:
Chaste you’ve kept
(Well, except
When Jaina came to visit).
* * * * *
Tirion the Argent Highlord!
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.
Truth be told, I cannot afford
Losing this job; so do I dare
Spill the beans on Fordring? Listen—
When we blab, he takes our heads off.
But I see the wine glass glisten—
Top it off once and all bets off.
Just a little more,
Pour it to the brim.
Here’s what you came for:
All the dirt on him.
Holy Light, that man’s insane!
Really, you would never guess it.
Hunting penguins with a cane—
Half the time he’ll even bless it.
Every day he staggers in
Angry-drunk and spewing rage.
Let him spot you, he’ll begin
To curse you out and act deranged.
Did I tell you what he did
The one time Eadric raised his voice?
Let’s just say he can’t have kids:
Eadric’s not “the Pure” by choice.
He steadfastly will refuse
To dine without his lucky mittens;
Mention Arthas, blow his fuse,
And he’ll go set fire to kittens.
If you are a lass
Don’t give him the chance
To grab at your ass.
(He won’t let me wear pants.)
I love the stories that I hear,
All the scandals, sleaze, and strife;
But I swear with Tirion near
I honestly fear for my life.
He’s unstable, he’s a loon,
Loud and lewd with vices diffuse.
Hunting Scourge and hunting poon:
Talk to Jaina. (Daddy issues…)
* * * * *
Honored heir of House of Wrynn,
Varian, where to begin?
Stormwind’s king,
Touchy thing:
Temper, temper, sire.
First Cathedral of the Light,
Robs the coffers, then takes flight.
Just you wait,
Off’ring plate:
Empty. Yep, it’s dire.
Why so angry? Why destroy
The Church he’d served as altar boy?
Years ago,
Don’t you know,
Reading age for Highlights:
Benedictus, pastor then,
Spotted one young Varian,
Oh so sad,
Showed the lad
An early Hour of Twilight.
Ever since then, he’s been damaged;
Bloody miracle he managed
To perform
So was born
A son to House of Wrynn.
Don’t know how hard Tiffin tried;
Virginal king since she died.
Jaina? Nay.
That fine day
Was saved for Anduin.
(Fuck you, Varian.)
* * * * *
No more wine?
Okay, fine.
No more stories, then!
Change your mind?
Till next time!
I’m sure we’ll meet again.
When you pour,
I’ll tell more.
No need to make a fuss.
But don’t fear,
Jaina dear,
That weekend’s between us.
EPIC VERSE!
