Tag Archives: varian
Happy Pilgrim’s Bounty
Quiet day in Orgrimmar, mostly consisting of me having some quality time with lots and lots and LOTS of food.
Best wishes to all my loyal readers and minions for a good Pilgrim’s Bounty this week. Be sure to gorge yourselves on utterly unhealthy volumes of food. If you run out, go raid the tables set up in Alliance towns and eat some of theirs, too. Then laugh at them. I’d recommend starting with Varian’s spread, just because.
Monday (yeah, yeah, okay, Tuesday) mailbag
Apologies for running late again this week. A Warchief’s work is never done, especially when the Warchief in question has lazy-ass minions who drag their feet about doing it.
So this week we’re hearing back from a couple correspondents who’ve turned up in the mailbag before, along with one surprise letter from an unlikely source, also from a familiar face. Let’s get started…
It’s your most ardent admirer herself, Uukra.
I would like to stress this: *I* am your most devout and ardent admirer, not some cupcake-eating wussie.
I bet they’re a mage and didn’t even cooked it themselves.
Besides, cupcakes will make them fat… unlike a fit, strong death knight (and certainly female!) orc like me.
Oh, and just so you know… I have been following your underwear suggestion. 😉
Your faithful fan & minion
–Uukra the Hallowed
Now see, the “certainly female” line there DOES make me worry…because if there’s one thing we’ve learned since I’ve been doing this blog, it’s that it’s TOTALLY possible for people to go online and pretend to be things they’re not! So now this makes for a whole new worry – what if these female admirers of mine aren’t actually girls? I suppose that might happen sometimes on the internet, right? Or maybe that’s still kind of a stretch, I don’t know…
Anyway, as it turns out, our old friend Wega (the cupcake eater from last mailbag) managed to sneak a look at my mail somehow, and already has a few choice words in response…
It seems that Uukra and I can agree on two things…your supreme awesomeness, and the fact that mages are wussies. The only thing more satisfying than seeing a mage crumple to the floor, is ambushing and one-shotting those D.E.H.T.A. punks.
I bet if she’s following your underwear suggestion, she also wears one of those barely-there plate bikinis that leaves her kidneys unprotected. Assuming she still HAS kidneys. Why would you want a cold, rotting thing that plays with ghouls when you could have a rogue like me? I’m not some half-orc like that tramp Garona, either.
Yours Always,
–Wega
So I’m totally with you on the mages, blinky buggers. And the DEHTA punks. I’m not going to get into the whole Garona thing, just because we can still use her help with Twilight’s Hammer, and let me tell you, she is SOME kind of moody. Like if I let one thing slip that she doesn’t like the sound of, hoo boy, just moping and bitching all day, and don’t even start me on all the passive aggressive bullshit, and how genuinely one of our best fighters can also be so damn whiny and high-maintenance is totally beyond me – oh crap, wait, I’m doing it again. She’s going to read this, and then she’ll be off to the races with the whiny. How do I erase this again? I can never find the right key. Hold up, this looks like a cross-out function, maybe that can erase stuff. SHIT THAT’S ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER. UGH. SPAZZLE!
Anyway, um, on the up side, from this whole back and forth between Uukra and Wega here…well…
<gets popcorn and sits back>
Continue at will, ladies! (Sometimes it can be good to be Warchief. I should add this to the list.)
Speaking of getting mail from girls, though, here’s one more that came in addressed to Spazzle, but definitely deserves some attention from yours truly:
It has come to the attention of the House of Nobles of Stormwind that the Leader of the Horde, Warchief Garrosh Hellscream has a blog on WordPress as does our esteemed Head of the Alliance, His Majesty King Varian Wrynn [epic title withheld].
As the two are notorious for despising one another, we think it would be of great entertainment if the two could somehow be played off one another. Certainly if we make the Warchief and King aware of one another they may go ahead and link to one another’s blog anyway in efforts to defame the other. This could be a mutually beneficial relationship.
His Majesty’s blog can be found at http://varianwrynn.wordpress.com …
Warm Regards,
–The House of Nobles of Stormwind
Well consider me made aware, noble chumps! Hah! So Varian’s decided to start a blog too, huh? I WONDER WHERE HE GOT THAT IDEA. Hey, Varian, remember when you were writing in and making your snarky comments about me writing a blog? Huh? How’s that working out for you now? Hahah!
Anyway, though, since he’s decided to get into the blogging world, he definitely deserves a nice warm Horde-style welcome. So I’d definitely recommend all of you, my loyal readers and minions, drop by and say hello. A comment on one of his posts to let him know you’re there might be good. Tell him I sent you.
Now everyone say it with me:
Fuck you, Varian.
Cool things about being Warchief
I recently had someone suggest that I maybe complain about things too much. While I personally think this is a gigantic steaming pile of horseshit, I thought I might try making a point of looking at the positive side of things. So here’s a list of some of my favorite things about being Warchief:
- You know when you’re running up to the zeppelin tower and you can see the zeppelin is there, and you figure there’s no way you’re going to make it in time but you run up the tower as fast as you can anyway, and against all odds it’s still there when you get to the top of the ramp, only in the time it takes you to get from the stairwell to the end of the landing platform the zeppelin it taking off and gets JUST far enough away that you can’t quite jump on? Yeah, well, that still happens. But when the zeppelin comes back again, you can have the pilot executed.
- When somebody pays the goblin dude on your tundra mammoth for repairs, you get a cut. A big cut, if Greeny McEasilykilled knows what’s good for him.
- Even though people seem to be trying to poison you with alarming regularity, you have food tasters to make sure everything you eat is okay. As an extra bonus, you can hand-pick which Alliance prisoners these food tasters are going to be. (I usually pick a gnome if possible. They turn the funniest shade of green just before they croak.) Most of the time, they’re so damn hungry and overjoyed to be getting anything to eat at all, they never even stop to think that anything is up. The looks on their faces – the “Oh SHIT, why the fuck didn’t I THINK of this?!” look – in that moment between the poison kicking in and when they drop dead? Awesome. Totally worth the price of knowing that there are unknown parties trying to kill you who apparently have access to your food.
- According to tauren tribal custom, anytime someone in the Valley of Wisdom bakes a pie, you get the first piece.
- When somebody says, “You’re no Thrall,” you can totally reply, “You’re right, Thrall would never just up and chop off somebody’s foot like that. Oh, I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? Pardon me. Please, let’s resume our critique of my job performance.”
- Due to a little-known technicality, the furbolgs of Timbermaw Hold recognize you as an Archbishop.
- If somebody, say, kills your dad, you can carve the dude’s remains into a throne and set it up in your war room. Think about that. Every time somebody comes to see you, you’re kicking back sitting on a chair made out of the FUCKING SKULL OF THE LAST GUY THAT REALLY PISSED YOU OFF.
- Bearer of the ultimate suck-on-it trump card at class reunions.
- Two words: Kor’kron strippers.
- As a point of honor, Varian has to welcome into his throne room any diplomatic emissaries you decide to send to Stormwind. This might not sound so cool, but it gets real awesome real fast when you make the emissaries eat nothing but beans and asparagus for three days leading up to the visit.
Monday mailbag
OMG people are reading my blog!!!! I didn’t even tell anybody other than Spazzle and Eitrigg that this blog was here and now people are reading it! I have fans! People love me! I WILL BASK IN THE ADORING GLOW OF MY LOYAL AND DEVOTED FOLLOWERS! Go me! GO GARROSH!
I hear ya about the paperwork, Warchief. Are you sure you don’t have any assistants to help cover it, though? I’m just a Kor’kron captain and even I have Aleric here to push some of the forms off on. Speaking of which, is there any chance you could have someone come by and relieve me for a weekend or something? I’ve been stuck standing here in the Royal Quarter for almost two years now, and while the view isn’t bad if you know what I mean, let’s just say the aroma around this place isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It would be kind of nice to have a day or two to just go up to Brill and get some air.
— Bragor Bloodfist, Undercity
Oh yeah, absolutely, let me send someone down there to relieve you, Bragor. You really must need a break what with how hard you’ve been working keeping an eye on Sylvanas and making sure she doesn’t get up to anything fishy like developing more of Putress’s plague, and – OH WAIT, SHE TOTALLY DID. How about you DO YOUR FUCKING JOB SUCCESSFULLY before you ask for a vacation? Hey, pro tip, if you spend two years fighting the minions of a diabolical mastermind, like say, I don’t know, some FUCKING SHIMMERY WINGED UNDEAD GIANTS, and one day you see them just hanging out in one of the capital cities of the Horde, and instead of being KILLED LIKE THE BLOOD ENEMIES THEY ARE, it seems like they’re just chilling with one of our leaders, you know, maybe you want to check up on that.
But oh, hey, you do make a decent point about assistants, though. Tell you what. I was going to send someone down there to relieve you, but I think what I’ll do instead is keep them around here and have them work on these forms for me. You keep at it down there in the Undercity. I’ll be expecting your report on where the fuck Koltira Deathweaver disappeared to. IN TRIPLICATE.
Hey mon, I be havin’ a question for ya. If da Lich King’s horse is Invincible, how come I be seein’ it?
— Vol’ Bob, Echo Isles
OMG I can’t believe how stupid this guy is! The Lich King’s horse is INVINCIBLE NOT INVISIBLE YOU STUPID IDIOT! ALSO YOU’RE STUPID!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How dumb do you have to be to not know words.
I swear sometimes I think I’m the only one left in the Horde that’s not a damn retard LOL.
I seriously can’t believe Thrall put you in charge. It’s not that you’re dumb as a post, because let’s face it, his other options were all orcs, and what were his odds there with any choice he made? And it’s not so much that you’re a badboy poser who talks a good game when he knows there’s someone like Rhonin or Tirion in the room to break up any actual fight.
But dude. Poetry? From your journal? Which, you know, is just a slightly less pathetic way to say “diary”? What are you, a fourteen-year-old girl? Do you try to compensate by at least writing poems about weapons and battle, or are you just going all-out and writing about flowers and other sissy crap like that?
— Varian Wrynn, Stormwind
OMG HOW DID HE SEE THIS BLOG!!! I’m writing this for LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE HORDE TO SEE, what idiot rigged up the internet so ANYONE can just go around looking up WHATEVER THEY WANT!! Next thing you know kids at the Orgrimmar orphanage will be able to look up succubus erotica that is clearly only supposed to be for me adults. (Does anyone know if Greatmother can see this, by the way? Just checking.)
Anyway! SOMEHOW you’ve managed to breach blog security here, Varian, so I suppose I should answer you. First of all, on the poetry in general, hey, don’t get pissy with me because I’ve read a book in my life. Don’t you have some giant library right there in your castle? How about you reach up on one of those shelves and crack a tome once in a while and maybe get some damn culture.
As for what I write about, here, just for you, I’ll write one about flowers AND weapons. Enjoy.
Mageroyal is red,
Peacebloom is white,
Axes are sharp,
Fuck you, Varian.
EPIC VERSE!
Keep the letters coming. I’ll try to do these mailbags when I can. FOR THE HORDE!
