Tag Archives: gaming
Monday mailbag
So it’s been a while since I did a mailbag. How long, you ask? GOOD QUESTION. And the answer is, so long that in the intervening time I’ve gotten not one, but TWO letters from our old buddy ACC, so why don’t we get to it before he dashes off ANOTHER one, and start working our way through the ACC backlog. As usual, actual letters from actual readers…
And greetings from the not-so-frozen South. Pro tip: NEVER go on a boat with General Nazgrim. I don’t know what he did to offend the Boat Gods, but… This is twice now that I’ve boarded a serviceable ship and disembarked from kindling. Mind you, there’s hardly anyone else I’d rather be with in a scrap. If you’re headed to a hot LZ you want him there with you, just don’t let him drive. Can’t add anything to what’s already been said about our allies and opponents except that while I’d pick semi-sentient monkeys over super-evolved murlocs any day, the “epic” clash was the goat-rope to end all goat-ropes. The least said about that, the better.
You’ve already heard about the giant vegetables in the Valley of the Four Winds. Turns out that the water makes for some pretty big beasties, too. And where there’s big game, you KNOW who’s not far behind. That’s right, Hemet Nesingwary’s pulled stakes from Sholazar and headed South. And be brought his boy with him. Got to say, it was awesome seeing them together. When you get down this way, you ought to swing by their camp and take a look around.
One other thing before I get back to work: that issue you mentioned last time? This place forces you to deal with things like that. What you bring within yourself draws spirits out of the land itself. Harsh therapy, but effective. I still stand by the necessity of what we did, but I do (slightly) regret the intemperate zeal.
–A Concerned Citizen
Ahh, so THAT’s where Hemet and his kid disappeared off to. Good to hear, ACC – maybe now the old man can finally teach the kid a thing or two so he won’t be QUITE as big a fuck-up. It was always pretty embarrassing dropping by their camp in Stranglethorn, and having the guy supposedly in charge be far and away the least competent hunter there. Then again, I guess that’s the way management tends to go, right? Mediocrity rises, so the person in charge usually winds up being the biggest dumbass?
Anyway, good point about Nazgrim. No question as to his military skills, but for future engagements I’m thinking I might send him in AFTER the initial wave, so I can just have him ported in without having to roll the dice putting him on another ship. Though come to think of it, that could make for an interesting experiment…like if we put him on a vehicle to some other part of Pandaria right now, would that one crash too? If I told him to take one of the pandas’ balloons somewhere, would the balloon go all hydrogen bomb clear out of the blue? Is anyone else thinking I might seriously have to try some of this out once I get down there, even if unbeknownst to Nazgrim I’d be putting his physical safety at sustained risk for no reason other than a puckish blend of curiosity and thirst for amusement?
There’s a rumor going around that the EO servers are shutting off this coming Friday. Heard anything about this?
–A Concerned Citizen
Wait, what? Shutting off as in permanently? I know they usually have some downtime for maintenance, but that’s usually on Tuesdays, isn’t it? Why would they shut down the game? They only just put out a new expansion. I mean yeah, they lost some subscribers the last year or so, but still, I don’t see them shutting down at this point.
Or is this some kind of in-game apocalypse deal? Because you DO get some of those RP-happy people who are all about the second coming of that Jesus guy. Who, by the way, could they make it any more obvious where they got THAT lore character from? I mean, come on…he walks on water and comes back from the dead, so he obviously has to be a shaman, and he’s all hippy granola-crunchy let’s-all-get-along-and-be-friends, and millions of people just dote over him and think he’s the most awesome thing, which just feeds into his whole deal where he thinks he’s the ultimate savior, and come on, could they make it any more painfully obvious who he’s supposed to be? We might as well just call him Beige Thrall. Although I don’t know why people make such a big deal about him coming back. Do they really expect the guy to just show up again and take over or something?
This parchment has a few sketches around the edges in multicolored inks. Dontrag and Utvoch are recognizable, as are Nazgrel and Neferatti. The remaining sketches are of a naaru, a warp stalker, and a nether ray. The lettering is spaced a bit erratically and is far from ornate, but is readable without excessive effort.
Dear Mr Warchief Sir:
I herd abot Mr Mokvar. I hop he gets bettr soon. I kno you need a scrib now, and I want to voula valun help. I hav ben trayning with a teechr who says Im doing much bettr than I was. I wud tell you all abot her and abot evrything Ive bin doing, but that wud tak too long and I want to mail this now. Pleese let me be your scrib!
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani.”
Um…
<sigh>
Yeah, how about I get back to you on that.
Fucking hell, somebody get me a list of the inscription trainers and vendors around here, there’s gotta be SOMEONE I can rope into taking this damn job…
In unrelated news HEY EVERYBODY KEEP THOSE SCRIBE APPLICATIONS COMING IN, and hoo boy, Mokvar, heal up fast, dude.
I have been spending a good deal of time in Pandaria per your orders and have been getting to know the natives. Recently I took a quick trip home for a bit of a break and a grave injustice has become apparent to me.
In Panderia the natives are more than happy to allow me to have one of my pets hanging around with me. They are more than happy to serve grain to my goat Moe while I am enjoying refreshments of my own. That same scene does not play out at home. I was actually kicked out of Silvermoon City by one of those constructs that what’s his name has running around the city because one of my felines had a small accident in the city. I was in the process of cleaning it up when I was ushered out of the city. Even in Ogrimmar people get testy if one of my pets is curled up at my feet while I enjoy a drink.
Is there something you could do to make Hunter pets more welcome in Horde areas? They put their lives on the line in the service of the Horde same as any other veteran in your army. We train them well and they are not dangerous to civilians that keep their hands off of them.
Thank you for your time Warchief,
–Toka Armripper
Hey Toka. Well, you know, legally speaking, pets are kosher here in Orgrimmar. I can’t really speak for what they do in Silvermoon – the business with the construct-robot-thingy seems kind of lame, but that’s Regent-Lord Ponytail for you. Maybe he’s afraid the smell from any potential pet accidents might soak into his conditioner or some shit. Point is, though, over in Silvermoon or Undercity or Thunder Bluff or, hell, the Echo Isles, they all set their local ordinances about pets, and frankly, I get enough headaches from the other city leaders trying to get them go along with my orders on the big stuff like war and conscription and glorious battle…I don’t want to even THINK about the caterwauling I’ll have to deal with if I start trying to meddle around with smaller local regulations like pet control too. Sylvanas will probably give me another one of her speeches about centralized government versus cities’ rights.
As for people getting testy in Orgrimmar if you bring your pets into the bar with you, well, frankly, fuck ’em. Really. The law here is that your pets are allowed in there as long as you keep them under control, so if people don’t like it, fuck ’em. That’s the one thing – no matter what the law is, there’s not much you can do about people’s attitudes, so like it or not, there are always going to be some malcontents who are going to grumble. I mean, hell, a couple weeks ago I was taking Mortimer around Orgrimmar to stretch his legs a little, and he went sniffing up to this old orc woman – and I don’t mean the fit, MILFy kind of older orc woman like Garona, I mean old and cranky and bloated and draped in fur-lined imperial silk robes for no reason other than LOOK AT ME I’M FANCY and hasn’t done a sit-up since the Second War. And so Mortimer started sniffing at her, and I told her not to worry, he’s friendly. And she was all sneery like, “Well I’m not an animal lover.” And so I said, “That’s okay, he’s not a heartless unfeeling cow lover.” And of course just then there were a couple tauren walking by, so, you know, awkward.
Random Weirdness spotted – Oppan Garrosh Style
[If you’re unable to view the embedded video, you can link to it here.]
I’m just…
that was…
uh…
Ok.
–Quelita, Tarren Mill
Yeah, what of it?
I slaughter Alliance, I write EPIC VERSE, I sing.
It’s called being a triple threat. Deal with it, bitches.
That’s it for this time around. As always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.
When we last left Krog…
So Krog’s latest report from Pandaria came in yesterday. I was planning to post this update last night, but while I was startung to get the post together, I made the mistake of tabbing over to Earth Online, and telling myself I could just talk with the guild a little while I was working. And you know how that goes, right? “I’ll just tab over for a minute” = nothing gets done in the original window ever.
As it turns out, I happened to log on just in time for another Lor’themar hissy fit over people not knowing who he is. So that was fun. I told him to cool it, and he was like “Why don’t you come here and make me?”, and dude didn’t seem to get the fact that e-thugging empty threats doesn’t work so well when the guy you’re mouthing off to knows your home address and had a hunch of mages on staff.
I’m at least 50% sure his face will heal up okay. And even if not, maybe an eyepatch would help toughen up his look anyway.
Anyhow, that’s what was going on yesterday. So now, let’s get caught up with our buddy Krog in Pandaria. You guys voted – by a hair – to send him back to the hozen camp to secure Anduin. When we last left him, he and Shokia were pinned down by an Alliance sniper at Serpent’s Heart. And so…
begging the warchief’s pardon, but while waiting for your further instructions matters reached a point where action was needed.
I mean really, how high-maintenance are some of my minions that they basically say “Sorry I went ahead and did something without your go-ahead when I was getting shot at”?
alliance sniper’s shots were keeping me and shokia pinned down tightly. i stealthed and tried to scout her position but was unable to get a clear read through the greenery. meanwhile sniper was somehow able to make fairly good estimates of my position even while stealthed. eventually used smoke bombs to give myself and shokia cover to withdraw, and made our way north.
good news and bad news upon arrival at horde/hozen camp at grookin hill.
good news: general nazgrim, kiryn, and rivett clutchpop all survived battle at serpent’s heart and have been moved west to pandaren settlement at binan village to recover from injuries.
Okay, well, I already knew that much, seeing as I’d gotten the report on that from Nazgrim himself, but yeah, that is good news. Although he seemed to leave out the whole Anduin thing, which is kind of troubling. Also most of the business about the giant black demon thingy that came out of nowhere and handed him his ass.
bad news: apparently in the confusion of the battle, anduin escaped.
…
I… He… They…
Hang on.
…
…
…
Sorry. I had to go schedule a one-on-one session with Ben-Lin Cloudstrider to work on methods for dealing with this sudden inexplicable SEETHING FIT OF SOUL-RENDING RAGE that I seem to be experiencing at the moment FOR SOME REASON, which may or may not be related to the likelihood that EVERYONE ON MY PAYROLL IS APPARENTLY COMPLETELY FUCKING INCOMPETENT.
How – HOW, can you please EXPLAIN this to me – can these people POSSIBLY let the fucking PRINCE OF STORMWIND get away “in the confusion”? What the fuck does that even MEAN? What confusion? The battle was a ways away from the camp, so why would there even have been any confusion there? Or was someone actually cosmically stupid enough to think it was a good idea to bring a high-profile captive WITH them to a battle?
I’m seriously going to have to get my ass down there to Pandaria, because this is just too fucking much.
welcome back, warchief – i assume you had to step away for a moment after reading that last bit.
Okay, credit where it’s due. Dude knows me.
hozen unclear on which way anduin may have fled. not surprising; hozen unclear on most things unrelated to feces. likeliest possibilities appear to be westward across the river, which would take anduin toward farming district; and southward, toward alliance encmapment and area where anduin was originally captured.
standing by for further orders.
Ragequitters never win
You have logged on.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well that’s the problem with arcane, though.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] for me anyway.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how you u mean?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey everyone
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well i mean, why wouldnt it?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What did I just walk in on?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or do I not want to know?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This one is pretty harmless.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] how are you doing, pwn?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Doing okay, gayle
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello omgipwnedurface.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] good to see you as always.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see, case in point.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh lol
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] probably just as well.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i haven’t aged well.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol its ok i like older guys =)
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh i remember that phase
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY NOW
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol dont worry sweetie
[Lorthemar] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi lorthemar
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] JUST KIDDING
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, all.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, Lorthemar.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi lor
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I still say scalies just creep me out.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] are you new in the guild?
[Guild][Lorthemar] No.
[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh
[Guild][Lorthemar] Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’ve been in the guild for months.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh ok
[Guild][Lorthemar] I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats
[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all. ^_^
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Exalted with EVERY national faction? HOW?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Which one?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] France.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez yeah
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The French don’t like anybody
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s that?
[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] welcome!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome ed
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who’s this now?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ji Firepaw
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ah…well this should be entertaining.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh…sort of a mixed bag
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They mean well, but…I don’t know. We’ll see
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] brb
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome to the guild!
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Speaking of which
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] he seems quiet.
[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi gil
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hello, Utvoch.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] can you see this?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ah there we are
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no this is dontrag
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Welcome aboard, Ed.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Edward.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, are you sure, Utvoch? I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no, i logged on for a little while last night
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it looks fun
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes i’m sure
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we’ve talked about this before
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.
[Guild][Lorthemar] A double welcome to you, then!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] are you new too?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You really love messing with him, don’t you?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why yes. Yes I do.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Whichever one of them he actually is.
[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh
[Guild][Lorthemar] No, I’m not.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Can you blame me, really?
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] are you sure your not new lor?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dont think i’ve seen you on before
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes I’m sure.
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new, for the hundredth time.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time. that wouldn’t be new.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you can only be new once.
[Guild][Lorthemar] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what class are you playing ed?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I know some things can be a little confusing at first.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a farmer
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they don’t really sound too exciting to play
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What kind?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You should have gotten one too, Edward
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] A dog
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t you already have one?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i get it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There are a lot of different breeds.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You already have it, Edward.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg i love the new pet sparring!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh there it is
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what kind did you get?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how can i see the details?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click on it.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Eat well!
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BYE EVERYONE
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] byeeeee
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok i think i see it now
[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s the verdict?
[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it says it’s called a poodle
[Guild][Lorthemar] You can name it, too, if you want to.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re supposed to be smart
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i do that?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you mean they make good spellcasters? or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click again, then pick “rename.”
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No problem.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I put out a few feelers
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok done
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] done what?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s…that’s remarkable.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern. Something about questions about my temperament
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named the pet
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh nice
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week
[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi steve
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who knew, right?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That -had- to have been a Thrall program.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hi guys
[Guild][Lorthemar] So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Steve!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named her winnie
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sup man
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] after my aunt, jae win
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] she had similarly poofy hair
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] not too much
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, not too clear about any more than that
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually
[Guild][Lorthemar] That works.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thanks
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey who’s the new guy?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Ji, quick question
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just joined the guild today
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] nice to meet you
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no not you
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes warchief? i mean guildmaster
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i meant the other new guy
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lorthemar
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You might know something about this
[Guild][Lorthemar] ugh
[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, SERIOUSLY
[Guild][Lorthemar] Enough is enough already.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh sure, “?” at me
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”
[Guild][Lorthemar] Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, what’s this guy’s damage?
[Guild][Lorthemar] So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME
[Guild][Lorthemar] SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME
[Guild][Lorthemar] I
[Guild][Lorthemar] AM NOT
[Guild][Lorthemar] NEW
[Guild][Lorthemar] Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?
[Guild][Lorthemar] I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS
[Guild][Lorthemar] I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN
[Guild][Lorthemar] I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!
[Guild][Lorthemar] REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS
[Guild][Lorthemar] It NOT HARD to remember that part
[Guild][Lorthemar] LOOK
[Guild][Lorthemar] <–
[Guild][Lorthemar] SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?
[Guild][Lorthemar] “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR
[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT’S ME
[Guild][Lorthemar] LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON
[Guild][Lorthemar] RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES
[Guild][Lorthemar] ME
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh hi, lorthemar. welcome to the guild.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] did you just join?
[Guild][Lorthemar] sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg
[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while
[Lorthemar] has logged off.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well what crawled up his ass?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s a blood elf. Who knows
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] um
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, well…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] your naivete is adorable.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or dungeons
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh. um.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i guess i’ll go back to leveling
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Where in the world are you?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] orgrimmar
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No, I mean, where in the game?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just got sent to a region called siberia
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a little bit, yes sir
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] we try to be, yes sir
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] particularly for controlling anger
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU stay out of this
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When you’re not playing video games or blogging.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] and now i have things missing from my inventory
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh those russian mob guys are nasty
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You said you were in Siberia?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll be back
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, you have to watch for that.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.
You have logged off.
Monday mailbag
Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered. There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.
So, let’s have at it.
This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:
Dear Warchief,
You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.
F.Y.V.
–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds
Okay, so you know what, Vanicus? That’s just fantastic. Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon. Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around. If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.
One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it. And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.” Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL. Seriously. I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them. And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.
Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area. Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations. It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd. Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean. The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent. Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there? Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?
I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field. So, you know, who am I to criticize?
I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested. I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds. I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming! This was very new and exciting for me. Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture. With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!
I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine. I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here. There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc. I may need to get out of here before I get fat.
–Tandeleina, Halfhill
Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right? Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat? Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing? Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?
Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing. I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there. I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing. Eat, drink, and be merry, right?
Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there? Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE. They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated. I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.
I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent. I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents). Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known. Day by day I continue my research in this area. I believe my findings shall be most profitable.
However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens. I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke. Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:
As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended. Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley. I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.
There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study. For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:
They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain. I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind? So I killed them. The turtles and the mage. Just to be safe.
Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat. Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?
Respectfully Yours,
–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds
Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today? Do you know Tandeleina? Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?
So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables. On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES. Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed. Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something. Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits. Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too? Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone. They’d probably go over like gangbusters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon. And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it. (You trolls wanted more food? WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)
Interesting about the water up there, though. Definitely something to follow up on. I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff. You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples. (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)
What are these “virmen” things, by the way? Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.
This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Oh boy. Here we go again. Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.
TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired. Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.
…The FUCK?! Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?! Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER. I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.
Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself. I hope.
Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.
I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.
Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.” Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.
Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.
Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?
I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.
I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.
Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings. We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.
I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.
D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around. I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.
Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor… Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland. I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do. Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there. That should keep you occupied for a while. (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)
I have made a grave mistake. I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde. I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join. I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine. It was a big mistake. Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover. I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session. I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that. I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.
Eagerly awaiting your answer,
–Windblossom, Stormwind
You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now. And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.
But you know…
Heh.
In this case, I’ve gotta say…
Hehe. Heh heh. Hehehe heh.
Hehe.
Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.
<looks at picture again>
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!
<chucklecrying>
Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom. F.Y.V.!
That’s it for this week, kids. I need to go find a tissue. Holy shit, my sides hurt.
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!
Fuck I love my readers.
<snort>
Virtual democracy in action
So while I’m waiting for reports to come in from Nazgrim on his mission to this new mystery continent, I’ve been putting in a little gaming time. My Earth Online playing has been pretty sporadic lately, what with everything going on with the Theramore attack and its aftermath, and the side trip to Karazhan, so I still haven’t made nearly as much headway into the new EO Land Down Under expansion as I would have liked. Although, I’ve got to tell you, that’s just freaky coincidence right there — I mean, what are the odds that EO would put out an expansion adding a new major continent in the southern oceans…and then a couple weeks later, in real life, some whole new continent just shows up in the southern ocean. I think that’s one of those deals that you call life imitating art. Or I guess you COULD call it that, if you count a videogame as art. Which you shouldn’t, because let’s face it, that’s kind of retarded.
The big gaming news is that this week Earth Online FINALLY had its big contest to determine who would be one of the major faction leaders. Honestly, after all the hype and the constant talk about it, more than anything I’m just glad to have it over and done with. In case you’re interested and didn’t already know and are sitting there all in suspense, by the way, the current faction leader won, so he gets to go on being faction leader. How’s that for excitement? Enough high drama for you?
Anyway, as much as it was annoying having to hear about this world event, like, CONSTANTLY, it actually WAS kind of fun to see it play out. The event had a lot of parts to it, going on for months, but it all capped with the big Election Day world event earlier this week, and that was actually kind of interesting. First you would have your own individual contribution to one side or the other, where you would fight your way through to go to the polls, and click on a ballot box to align yourself with one of the candidates. Getting there was no small feat, though, what with there being watchdog groups hanging around outside all the polling stations trying to block you from getting in to support one side or the other. And I mean literal watchdog groups, with packs of great danes and rottweilers.
So once you had yourself aligned, you could be recruited to go help with the nationwide campaign, which basically was kind of a resource gathering contest. Basically there would be these “electoral points” you could win zone by zone, and whoever collected a certain number of them first would win. So mostly you would go to these designated “battleground states”…which were just these huge free-for-all PVP zones where you would flag yourself for one of the two sides and have at it against the other guy’s supporters. I don’t think I have to tell you I had a pretty good time running around pwning face in one state after another. Unfortunately I mostly got stuck with a bunch of clueless ungeared nubs who didn’t know how the fuck to PVP, so I spent a lot of the time in bgstate chat yelling at them for being idiots. So, you know.
Anyway, it was a pretty fun time in general, but probably the most entertaining part was watching all the nerdraging that went on after the outcome was decided. Oh man, do these dorks ever get mad when things don’t go their way. You would think it was the RL fucking apocalypse. You had the doom-and-glood crowd going on about how this used to be a good game and now that players have destroyed it and it’s all going to be ruined and OMG EMO EMO EMO. And then you had the conspiracy nuts going on about how the devs just rigged the whole thing and faked it to look like we could have an effect on the world, so they wouldn’t have to change the faction leader and design new content for the change. Which, okay, I don’t buy that shit, but I’ll grant you, it DOES seem pretty unlikely that a game would put a new faction leader in and then just a couple years later get rid of him, much less invite the players to come oust him. I mean really. But either way, I really don’t get why everyone is getting so upset. Seriously, people, why would anybody be getting emotionally invested — for good or ill — in a made-up fictional character in a videogame?
Pfft. Nerds.
Monday mailbag
So now that THAT whole pain in the ass down in Karazhan is over with, it’s time to get to some overdue mail. Hopefully now that I’m out of the Opera House, nobody will spontaneously burst into song. Although, true fact: much to my surprise, Utvoch turns out to have a downright enchanting singing voice. Who knew?
Anyway, let’s have a look at what we’ve got this time around…
Nothing much to say, but … OOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Naysayers there may be, but they should know this: Theramore was an intact government center, a base for munitions and supplies, and an important logistical link for Alliance forces in the Barrens. It is now none of these things.
(And bonus points for anyone who can recognize the EO NPC I swiped the quote from!)
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey, ACC. Glad you had a good time on the Theramore mission.
That said…look, I’m glad that you’re all-in for this war with the Alliance, and believe you me, it’s nice to have frigging SOMEBODY around here who doesn’t go all “pooh-pooh, oh heavens, how could you, Garrosh?” over every single act of war taken against the fuckers with whom, you know, we’re at war. So that’s all good stuff.
But dude…you’re REALLY enjoying this a little too much. Dial down the bloodthirsty just a LITTLE, will you? And seriously, do you really understand how bad it has to be to make ME have to say that?
Also, I totally know where you got that quote from, but I’ll hold off on saying anything so everyone else can have a crack at it in the comments or the next batch of letters. I’ll give you all a hint, though — the NPC that ACC is riffing on isn’t someone you interact with directly in the game, but he shows up in one of those cut scenes that they use to fill in some of the in-game backstory. Now have at it, lore nerds — AND NO GOOGLING!
This letter arrives with the crumbling remains of what might have once been a piece of cake, and when opened, fills the reader’s lap with loose glitter. It is written in multiple colors of ink, liberally dusted with more glitter. In the margins are sketches, mostly of Ashenvale, though orcs feature prominently near the bottom. The handwriting is shaky and wanders across the page, but is mostly legible.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it. After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad. So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum. And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun. He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
The letter is signed with an inked pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Hoo boy.
Okay, well, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I think her spelling is at least a little better than last time.
Slightly.
Okay, yeah, maybe not. HEAD HURTS.
Luckily, I think I’ve got a way to make this a little less painful, courtesy of Spazzle. See, the little green dude’s been tinkering around with a computer app that converts other languages and dialects into Common, so maybe we can give it a whirl and see what we get. Here goes…
Taktani said: It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: Yesterday was my 20th birthday. I had lots of cake. I’ve sent you some. I hope you like it.
Okay, so far so good. So first of all, happy birthday, I guess, as of like a month ago, based on the date of this letter.
Second of all, yeah, I like cake, but like…this stuff you enclosed in the letter? That shit ain’t cake. Maybe it was cake when you sent it, but it sure as hell isn’t cake now. Now it’s like the Granular Substance Formerly Known as Cake. Never mind it being edible — at this point it looks more like something that might try to crawl out of Faranell’s lab. Matter of fact, excuse me for a second while I go kill it before it develops language skills. Which, in the process, by the way, it might still end up beating out the writer of this particular letter.
But third of all — WTF you had CAKE for your birthday? You’re a TAUREN, and you had lots of CAKE?! I went to Thunder Bluff for BAINE’S birthday, and the only snacks they had were jerky and pine nuts and…like…hay…and yet YOU somehow manage to get fucking CAKE? How the hell does THAT happen?
Taktani said: After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: After cake, High Chieftain Baine Bloodhoof sent me to Ashenvale. He wasn’t mad that I drew on his reports, but everyone else was when they saw what I had done. All I did was make them pretty! Baine’s reports were just enormous walls of text (possibly ghost-written by Tirion). I cut down on the TL;DR factor by making them less boring. But everyone (other than Baine) got mad.
So I’ve got to say, I am endlessly amused by the thought that Taktani apparently doodled all over Baine’s reports and then Baine’s advisors all started getting pissy over it. It kind of reminds me of the first couple months I was Warchief — sometimes I would get bored filling out requisition forms and scribble a few little pictures in the margins, and Eitrigg would get all uptight over it when he went to review the forms. Personally I kind of liked the little cartoon stick-figure of Thrall I came up with, with the word balloon going “BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M SO AWESOME,” but that seemed to make Eitrigg especially cranky.
Also, I think this might explain why Baine’s last few reports have come in kind of late.
Taktani said: So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: After my birthdaycake, Baine’s irate advisors demanded he send me to Ashenvale. It’s pretty in Ashenvale! It’s all sparkly and glittery. I hope you like glitter, which I say without irony because I’ve clearly never met you or formed any accurate sense of your actual personality. I sent you some, collected directly from the trees of Ashenvale, which ooze glitter in the same way normal trees exude sap.
OMG NOT THE FUCKING GLITTER AGAIN. If there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale, other than the demonic influence, and the Alliance strongholds, and the fact that our western operations are being inexplicably stymied by the fucking Thistlefur furbolgs, and the lingering bitterness of my mother appearing to have been killed in Demon Fall Canyon, and the less said about my whole bright idea with the magnataur the better…yeah, other than that stuff, if there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale? THE FUCKING GLITTER.
Taktani said: And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun.
TranslationMaster2000: And I met Utvoch again! He read me your answer to my last letter from his computer. I want a computer, too. They look like fun.
Okay, so I guess she must have crossed paths with Dontrag and Utvoch while he was on his way back to Stonetalon after the post-Theramore non-celebration business. Also you’ll notice from that last sentence just how unnatural it is to see someone talking about just ONE of the Dumbass Duo. I have to admit I’m more than a little disturbed by this. I’m not sure if Taktani somehow missed the fact that there was a SECOND imbecile there, or if something even more baffling happened and something actually SEPARATED those two, which as far as I know has only happened once before and it took the insistence of a fucking DRAGON ASPECT to make happen.
And speaking of disturbing details, is anybody else starting to really, really worry that the writer who penned this literary masterpiece of a letter is apparently hanging out with UTVOCH? And…now wants a computer? Does anyone else see this potential perfect storm of virtual brain cancer in the making?
So, you know what? No. No, you can’t have a computer. Ever.
Taktani said: He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
TranslationMaster 2000 says: Utvoch was playing Earth Online. That looks fun, too, which is a peculiar thing to say, insofar as most MMO’s barely even look fun to the people actually playing them. He said you also play Earth Online, Mr. Warchief. Can I play, too?
No. No, you can’t. You cannot play Earth Online too. A thousand gallons of no. See the reasons above, then add about 73 additional ones. For instance, here’s #27: I do not want to get stuck being the one having to explain to her the “Anal [Class Ability]” jokes in trade chat. (Especially if I feel like I came up with a particularly clever one, because it just plain spoils the fun when you have to explain your own jokes.)
Also, random thought here, but some of these translations are a lot more pointed than I would have expected. Go figure.
Anyway, Taktani…instead of getting a computer and playing Earth Online — neither of which things you should ever do, like ever in the everest of ever — I’d recommend knocking yourself out up there in Ashenvale on all the busywork very important missions we have up there. If you run out of things to do over there, maybe swing by Stonetalon. Wait, hang on, D&U are in Stonetalon, scratch that. Try Desolace instead. Desolace or the Southern Barrens. On paper those areas might be a little dangerous for you, but who are we kidding? We’re way too conservative sizing up the danger levels of the different territories, and most of the time when we send people to their assignments they just wind up facerolling shit. Be a little ambitious. Go nuts. Which I kinda think you might already have, anyway.
I think that’s about as much as my will to live can take for one day, so let’s wrap it up here and be back in a couple weeks with more reader mail. As always, keep those e-mails coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.
Surprises from the land down under
So after the last few days, I decided I needed to relax and blow off a little steam, so I locked myself away upstairs for some gaming time, and…well…see for yourself.
You have logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I’m just about to start on the outback now
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] did you get the bread crumb quest to alice springs?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, chief
[Guild][Lorthemar] Hail, Garrosh!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi garrosh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey guys
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what’s up, boss?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh and hi, lorthemar
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] are you new?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh, doing okay, I guess
[Guild][Lorthemar] Erm, no…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just need to destress a little
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’ve been in this guild for months.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Why do people keep asking me that?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh okay
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] anyway, garona, when you start questing in the outback, just watch out for the dingo packs
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Heroic: Sydney Opera House]!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re bad news, huh?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] grats!
[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all! ^_^
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And greetings, Warchief. My apologies for being a bit distracted. I was focused on an instance.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah gayle, they just turn up out of nowhere and swarm you
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, that’s right, I forgot all about the expansion!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ugh great – well thanks for the warning
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] How are you guys liking Australia?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I take back all the jokes I made about it.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the new zones are gorgeous!
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] they really did a nice job on it from what I’ve seen so far
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] BQ’s leaving us all in the dust, though
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] she’s level 60 already
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh wow
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, I needed something to occupy myself with while many of you were going about the much more important work of fighting for the glory of the Horde.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi prof
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Shining success that it was.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Edwin.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You could always put in a little time tracking down what happened to Koltira Deathweaver, you know
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, there’s the doc
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] His whereabouts *are* indeed a mystery, I will grant.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] That’s good, I’d meant to check up on him after the dust settled
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hiya prof
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know, make sure he was still there and okay
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief? Why would Faranell not be okay? He’s been here in the Undercity the whole time, nowhere near the conflicts in the Barrens and Dustwallow.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello all
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey doc, how goes?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hmm
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, good point, Sylvanas…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] have I mentioned how much I love this new aoe looting?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it goes.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh man, yeah, that’s great.
[Guild][Lorthemar] That was indeed a superb addition.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hell yeah, is that active finally?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yup
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think it’s time for me to get out there and have a look
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Going into the new zone cinematic, so I’ll be quiet for a few
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] So Edwin, everything okay down in the Apothecarium?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Enjoy, Warchief. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it’s fine.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Fairly quiet, since, as the good doctor will surely confirm, there’s little going on there other than routine defensive research.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless you count all the plague, yeah.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Proudleslie] has logged on.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Your…droll sense of humor is amusing as always, doctor. A fine jest indeed.
[Guild][Proudleslie] oh man what a week i’ve had
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if you say so.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings!
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh no
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Isn’t that…?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah
[Guild][Proudleslie] hi everyone
[Guild][Proudleslie] it’ll be good to unwind here a little
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This isn’t going to be pretty, is it?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] nope
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] have you had a chance to get started on australia yet, leslie?
[Guild][Proudleslie] just the first night
[Guild][Proudleslie] i pulled a late nighter and managed to get a couple levels
[Guild][Proudleslie] then i had a bunch of stuff blow up on me rl
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Sounds very hectic, Leslie…
[Guild][Proudleslie] and now i have this new job so
[Guild][Proudleslie] yea it really is
[Guild][Proudleslie] brb afk
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hb
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh HO, look at this! I just found one of those rare koala pets!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg jealous!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but yay!
[Guild][Lorthemar] It is a cute little thing. A bit odd looking, but…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so that’s done
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wb
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so you’re in sydney now?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah…have a bunch of quests to do
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the one with the wombat is kind of tough
[Guild][Proudleslie] ok back
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, well here we go
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wb leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome back, both of you!
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh boy
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] here we go
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Uh, YEAH here we go
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So…just to make sure I’m not mixing this up with some alternate reality or something
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] is that who I think it is?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, it’s jaina
[Guild][Proudleslie] thanks gayle
[Guild][Proudleslie] thanks lorthemar
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome back, Leslie. Good to see you again.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Question #2
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] WHY IS SHE STILL IN THE FUCKING GUILD
[Guild][Proudleslie] thanks livin
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I hope things have settled down for you a bit.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I don’t think anyone has seen her on since last time
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] and the whole thing with varian
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, if I may…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I guess nobody bothered to go back and gkick her while she was offline.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And also why the hell are you being all buddy buddy with her, Sylvanas?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A suggestion, Garrosh?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s actually part of my suggestion.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What suggestion, to be friends with our enemies, especially the ones who completely torpedoed what should have been a decisive win for the Horde?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Because apparently, we’re running Heroic Bizarro World in real life now?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or are you throwing in with Baine and Vol’jin to commemorate Hey Everybody Let’s All Piss Off Garrosh Week?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] That’s only a week?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Warchief, please hear me out.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh trust me, I’m all ears
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Consider for a moment: it’s precisely *because* Jaina has proven such a thorn in the Horde’s side that we should consider keeping her in the guild.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Because…?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ll get another virus queued up, just in case…
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Recall the old adage, Warchief: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] By all appearances, Jaina does not realize who we are. I can’t imagine why Varian wouldn’t have told her, but then, considering Varian’s evident mental acuity, I suppose anything is possible.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] In any case, we have here among us a high-ranking member of the Alliance, who we know to have Varian’s ear, and will likely be privy to a great many of their plans, not to mention whichever ones she might be involved in personally.
[Guild][Proudleslie] huh its gotten all quiet
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If we can keep her around, we might be able to use it to our advantage, to ply inside information from her about our enemies’ movements.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’d tried to make this same suggestion to you a few months ago when we discovered Varian had joined the guild, but you kicked him before I could make my point.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But this time, Warchief, please, consider the possibilities here.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I have to admit, it’s a pretty smart idea.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re talking in officer chat
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m already working on befriending her. We don’t need to do anything other than allow her to stay around, while we watch for openings.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I understand that you’re angry about the recent setbacks, but think of the benefit we might gain from this, with hardly any risk of loss on our part.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh… Okay, you know what, that actually IS pretty smart
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So, yeah, okay, let her stick around
[Guild][Proudleslie] oh
[Guild][Proudleslie] about what?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll bite my tongue
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, Warchief. I promise you won’t regret this.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We’ll just have to make sure nobody slips up and gives away who’s actually in the guild
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] most people have been getting pretty good about rl stuff
[Guild][Lorthemar] Probably me.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, well, hopefully we’ll get something useful out of this
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Meanwhile, let me get back to leveling
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i should get going actually.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see everyone soon.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye prof
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.
[Guild][Proudleslie] bye profhubert
[Guild][Proudleslie] bah too slow
[Guild][Proudleslie] oh hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ?
[Guild][Proudleslie] since most of the officers are on, could i get a guild invite for my bf?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’re not going to be cybering him in guild chat, are you?
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg
[Guild][Proudleslie] i’m so so so embarrassed about that
[Guild][Proudleslie] i’m so sorry, it wont happen again i promise
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Also, she has a boyfriend now? Since when?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Beats me.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And who is it?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I don’t really keep up with celebrity gossip.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Working on it…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, sure, Leslie, just as soon as I’m out of combat here
[Guild][Proudleslie] ok
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it’s ok, leslie, i’ll get him, just whisper me the name?
[Guild][Proudleslie] ok! ty
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, well this is interesting…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m trying not to press for too much information, obviously…
[HonaleePuff] has joined the guild.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] One moment.
[Guild][Proudleslie] hi sweetie!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome puff
[Guild][HonaleePuff] THANKS EVERYONE
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whoa don’t yell!
[Guild][HonaleePuff] WHAT?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh good, he’s a caps-talker to boot.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] people still do that?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the caps, it’s like you’re yelling
[Guild][Proudleslie] thats just his deep sexy booming voice heehee
[Guild][HonaleePuff] LOL
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, you weren’t kidding about this wombat thing
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The damn thing’s killed me twice now
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see I told you
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg i hated that thing
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did we ever find out who this guy is, by the way?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I have a strong suspicion based on what she’s told me…
[Guild][Lorthemar] Would you like a hand, sir?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] That would be great, thanks
[Guild][Lorthemar] Happy to be of help! Send me an invite?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Incoming
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And that would be…?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Got it! I’ll be there in just a moment.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m pretty sure that he’s Kalecgos.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whoa
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ok everyone, I need to go for a while
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Wait, you mean the Aspect of Magic Kalecgos?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well, not anymore
[Guild][Lorthemar] Farewell!
[Guild][Proudleslie] bye gayle
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Well yeah, but he was.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] for like ten minutes
[Guild][HonaleePuff] BYE
[Garona | Nightengayle] has logged off.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So wait…how sure are you about this?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Quite sure, actually. Based on what she’s said, and a few bits and pieces I’ve picked up from my own sources.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well, that settles it
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] She’s officially run out of mammals
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -Sigh-
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh yikes, yeah, I didn’t think of that. I didn’t know Jaina was a scaley…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well you kind of had to figure nothing was off the table with her
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ugh scalies creep me out.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh, like you wouldn’t do Alexstrasza if you had the chance
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Who could blame him, really? I wish I had her body.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You kind of do. Like, exactly.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, Mokvar…I think.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just don’t start going all Bragor on her now, Mokvar
[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, here I am!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -Shudder-
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Don’t remind me. I’ve been starting to wear parkas during his shifts…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Uh, dude…
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes? Is something wrong, sir?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s up with your toon?
[Guild][Lorthemar] What about it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] It’s kind of a girl
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Don’t know if you’ve noticed
[Guild][Lorthemar] Um, yes, I know, sir… Is that a problem?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So…you play a female toon?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes…?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] To be fair, he IS a blood elf. He pretty much plays a female toon in RL too…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, dude, fine, whatever works for you
[Guild][Proudleslie] thats actually pretty smart
[Guild][Proudleslie] you would be AMAZED how willing guys are to help when you have a female avatar
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s actually quite true…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, well whatever, let’s just kill this damn wombat
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Also to be fair, whose ass would YOU rather look at for 60 levels?
[Guild][Proudleslie] haha well if you’re asking ME…
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Too…many…jokes…
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heh.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] -Sigh- again.
[Guild][Lorthemar] There we go!
[Guild][Lorthemar] See, pretty painless with the two of us.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thanks, man
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] or…whatever
[Guild][Lorthemar] Any time, sir.
[Guild][HonaleePuff] OUCH
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg sweetie what killed you?
[Guild][HonaleePuff] SOME PACK OF DOGS
[Guild][HonaleePuff] THYE JUST FLATTENED ME
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ohhhh the dingoes got you
[Guild][Proudleslie] omg dingoes ate my baby!
[Guild][Proudleslie] its ok i can rez you
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So Leslie, I’m curious, how long have you and Puff been together?
[Guild][HonaleePuff] NOT VERY LONG REALLY
[Guild][Proudleslie] nope not long at all
[Guild][Proudleslie] we only got together this past week
[Guild][Proudleslie] but it feels like we’ve know each other for ages
[Guild][HonaleePuff] : )
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, well congratulations to you both, then. I hope you’ll be very happy.
[Guild][Proudleslie] ty
[Guild][Proudleslie] its just funny too, b/c just a couple weeks ago i was talking to my friend
[Guild][Proudleslie] and he just got married not too long ago
[Guild][Proudleslie] and he was telling me how life would be much better if i found someone to share it with
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Gee, I wonder who THAT could be
[Guild][Proudleslie] and a few days later here he was!
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s very sweet indeed.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And not at all contrived in its timing.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Also, seriously, Thrall’s spending his time now dropping by to tell Jaina she needs to get herself a man?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or, I guess, to narrow it down to one and settle down?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Watch, he’s become one of those people who get married and then feel like everybody else needs to get married too.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You know, misery loves company.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No no, I’ll tell you exactly what that is
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thrall’s been dropping by to hang out with Jaina
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Only now, he’s got a wife pulling him aside when he gets home, like, “So hey, what exactly is the deal with the blonde chick you’re spending all this time with?”
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] “Who I was hearing things about, like, all the way out in Nagrand”
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] haha
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And so I’ll bet you anything, Thrall was like, “Okay, I have to get this chick hooked up so the missus gets off my ass”
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Heh, yeah, wife aggro.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And seriously
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] If he didn’t want wife aggro, I mean, come on
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He fucking married a woman NAMED Aggro, pretty much
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] aggra aggro?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Anyway
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I need to get going
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have a meeting with Malkorok
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have to run for a while, guys
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Have fun
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh joy…
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] later boss
[Guild][Proudleslie] bye pwn
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Take care, sir.
You have logged off.
Live Blog: Tides of War
ONE YEAR OF THOUGHTS AND MUSINGS…
[Today marks the one-year anniversary of Garrosh’s first post on the Warchief’s Command Board. To commemorate the occasion, which serendipitously coincides with the release of Jaina Proudmoore: Tides of War by Christie Golden, this post will tie into some of the events of the novel in the form of a LIVE BLOG. The post will be added to over the course of the night so that you will be able to read it in progress as it is written. Continue refreshing this page to update its contents. Also feel free to use the comments to engage with other live readers as the on-the-fly story unfolds!]
I haven’t mentioned this with everything else that’s been going on lately, but several days ago I sent letters out to the other leaders of the Horde to come to Grommash Hold for a special council. An inner circle of key advisors and I have been working on a number of plans over the past few weeks, one in particular that I’ve been keeping on the back burner for far too long. The time has finally come to begin the next stage in the glorious history of the Horde, and it’s only fitting that everyone gather to bear witness to its beginning.
Practically all the major players have been arriving the last few hours — Baine Bloodhoof and Hamuul Runetotem from Thunder Bluff…Sylvanas Windrunner from the Undercity…what’s-his-name, that blood elf guy from Silvermoon. Vol’jin’s come up from the Echo Isles, even though I usually don’t have a whole lot of patience for him. Hell, even Trade Prince Gallywix crawled out from underneath whatever rock he usually hides under to attend. Everybody’s brought a considerable contingent of aides and lieutenants with them, and naturally I have a good-sized contingent of my people from here in Orgrimmar to show their support — Eitrigg, obviously, along with a slew of other aides and supporters like Shok Narnes, Captain Drok, Invoker Xorenth. Mokvar, of course, who’s going to make it a whole lot easier to record and post the meeting. Pretty much the only heavy hitter not here is Saurfang, and, well, I can see why he would decline the invitation, considering.
I waited outside the war room while everyone gathered and got settled into their places. I had my aide Malkorok — who’s been growing more and more important in our developing plans — watched over the gathering, then prepared them for my grant entrance. See, in addition to being an ongoing advisor and newly appointed supervisor of internal security, Malkorok’s also a pretty damn good hype man. So he took a minute to work up the crowd, and then…well, hey, why don’t I kick it over to Mokvar, who I think Spazzle hooked up to be able to feed his meeting notes straight on up to the blog…
MALKOROK: Your leader, the mighty Garrosh Hellscream, approaches! Show him all honor!
The assembly stands and burst into cheers as Garrosh enters, holding his arms wide with Gorehowl in hand.
GARROSH: I bid you all welcome! You are true servants of the Horde. Your Warchief calls you, and you come. <surveying the assembly> Much has transpired since I assumed the mantle of Warchief…
VOL’JIN: <aside to Baine> Most of it bad, mon.
GARROSH: We have faced trials and danger, threats to our world and our way of life. And yet, we persevere. We are the HORDE! We will not let anything break our spirits!
Garrosh raises Gorehowl above his head, and, starting with the orcs present, the assembly cheers.
GARROSH: You do not disappoint me.
VOL’JIN: <aside to Baine> Wish I could say da same, mon.
GARROSH: You are the finest representatives of your races – the leaders, the generals. And that is why I called you here.
Garrosh settles into his throne and gestures for the assembly to sit as well.
GARROSH: There is a menace that has been present for too long, which we must now root out without any mercy.
VOL’JIN: <aside to Baine> Aw, no, mon, don’ be so hard on yaself.
BAINE: <struggling to stifle his chortling> Stop…stop it!
GARROSH: A threat that has challenged us for years, to which we have, until recently, turned a blind eye in the mistaken notion that tolerance of a little shame will do no harm to the mighty Horde. I have—
Vol’jin and Baine glance at each other. Vol’jin doubles over and lets a chuckle escape.
GARROSH: Hmm? You had something to add, troll?
VOL’JIN: No, no, dat was just a sneeze, mon.
GARROSH: A sneeze.
VOL’JIN: Yah, mon. Allergy season, ya know.
Garrosh exchanges a look with Malkorok, who shrugs.
GARROSH: Um, yeah. As I was saying. And have said, and say again – ANY shame is a great shame!
VOL’JIN: <aside to Baine> A damn dirty shame, mon.
Baine lowers his head over the table and chortles.
GARROSH: Any— Um, you too, birthday boy?
BAINE: <wipes a tear from his eye while looking up> Apologies, Warchief. I think I may be having some…trouble with allergies as well.
VOL’JIN: I tink dere might be a bug goin’ round, mon.
GARROSH: Oh for fuck’s sake… Ugh. Never mind. I…where was I again?
MOKVAR: “Any shame is a great shame.”
Baine and Vol’jin double over slightly, barely containing another fit of chuckles.
GARROSH: Right, right. Any shame is a great shame – ANY injury is a great injury! And apparently any sniffle is a great fucking sneezing epidemic. But whatever. Point is, WE WILL ENDURE IT NO LONGER!
Vol’jin smirks at Baine and gives an exaggerated nod.
GARROSH: We have a destiny to fulfill. And there is an obstacle to that destiny – one that we must crush beneath our feet like the insignificant insect it truly is. For far too long – nay, even a MOMENT would be too long! – the Alliance pests, not content with their stranglehold over the Eastern Kingdoms—
SYLVANAS and LOR’THEMAR: <overlapping> Hey now!
GARROSH: —have wormed their ways into OUR lands, OUR territory. Into Kalimdor. Chipping away at our resources and sullying the very earth with their presence! They are crippling us, preventing us from growing, from reaching the heights that I know – I KNOW – we are capable of achieving! For I believe in my heart that it is not our fate to bow and scrape and sue for peace before the Alliance. It is our right to dominate and control this land of Kalimdor. It is ours, and we will claim it as such!
Led by Malkorok, many of the orcs stand and cheer emphatically. After a few moments, the cheers subside.
GARROSH: To that end, it is my intent to lead the Horde on a mission that will restore us to our rightful path. Our first target will be Northwatch Hold. We will raze it. And once we have reclaimed that land as ours, we will move on to the next step – THERAMORE!
Baine, Vol’jin, Malkorok, and several others spring to their feet – some cheering, some crying out in protest. Frandis Farley – one of Sylvanas’ Forsaken lieutenants – shouts over the din.
FRANDIS: Warchief! The lady Jaina is too powerful! She has been passive and quiet. Rouse her, and we will have war on our hands – a war we are not prepared to fight!
BAINE: She has behaved with fairness time and again, when she could have responded with force or deceit! Her diplomatic efforts and her decision to work with Warchief Thrall have saved countless lives! To storm her realm with no provocation does not give honor to the Horde, and it is foolish besides!
MOKVAR: Also I really, really hope this isn’t about your old guild leader…
BAINE: Wait, his what?
MOKVAR: He had an old GM he was pissed at who turned out to be from Theramore.
VOL’JIN: A GM from what, mon?
MOKVAR: This MMO we play.
BAINE: You’re…kidding.
VOL’JIN: Hey mon, you don’ live in da basement in here too, do ya?
GARROSH: WILL YOU SHUT IT? Dammit, trolls should be seen and not heard. Ideally not seen, either.
VOL’JIN: Oh, so you wan’ me invisible, mon?
GARROSH: If only.
VOL’JIN: Like da Lich King’s horse!
GARROSH: ENOUGH ALREADY!
VOL’JIN: Sorry, mon.
Garrosh lets out a long sigh while Malkorok edges closer to Vol’jin’s side of the room, eyeing the troll chieftain uneasily. Garrosh finally gathers himself.
GARROSH: Now then… First of all, Thrall has given leadership of the Horde to me. Whatever HE did or did not do means nothing now.
VOL’JIN: <aside> Aye, you’ll be seein’ ta dat, won’t ya, mon?
GARROSH: I am the Warchief, to whom you have all sworn loyalty. My decisions are what matter. And those of you who condemn my plan do not even know what it entails. Be silent and listen!
Some – but not all – of the assembly return to their seats.
GARROSH: You respond to this as if the conquest of Theramore were the goal. I tell you now, it is only the beginning! I do not speak solely of destroying the human foothold in Kalimdor. I speak also, and even more vigorously, of the night elves. Let them flee to the Eastern Kingdoms as we crush their cities and take their resources!
VOL’JIN: Drive dem all out? Dey been here longer dan we have. An’ we try somet’ing like day, da Alliance be over us like bees on da honey! You just be givin’ dem he excuse dey been looking for!
GARROSH: My soul is sick of the back-and-forth in Ashenvale that has gone on nearly since we set foot in this world. And I am even more sickened by our own blindness to what we should and must do. The night elves claim compassion and wisdom, yet they murder us when we harvest a few trees that would provide life-giving shelter! The night elves have lived here long enough. Let them now linger only as a bad memory. It is the Horde’s hour to reign on this continent, and reign we shall! This is why Theramore is key, do you not understand? <scanning around the chamber> We crush Theramore, we stop the potential of Alliance reinforcement from the south. And then – we give the night elves their due.
SYLVANAS: <rising> Warchief, the Alliance may indeed not send reinforcements. Not at once, at least. They will turn and vent their wrath instead upon those of us in the Eastern Kingdoms – my people and the sin’dorei.
Sylvanas looks to Lor’themar, who remains still and silent.
GARROSH: Wait, who’s that guy again?
SYLVANAS: Warchief?
GARROSH: The blood elf guy.
SYLVANAS: He’s… <rubs her hand over her face> Never mind. The point is…Varian will march on my borders and destroy us!
EITRIGG: Warchief, a word?
GARROSH: I have heard from you already, my advisor.
BAINE: We have not. Eitrigg was friend to my father and advisor to Thrall. He knows the Alliance in a way few do. Surely you do not object to the rest of us hearing what such a wise elder has to say?
GARROSH: <glares at Baine, then nods to Eitrigg> You may speak.
EITRIGG: It is true that the Horde has done much to recover from the Cataclysm. And it has been under your leadership, Warchief Garrosh. You are right. Yours is the title. Yours are the decisions. But yours also is the responsibility. Think for a moment about the consequences the consequences consequences si the ti consequences moment ereh consequences dna gnikam consequences about erew ew about erutuf tahw kniht ot delbuort su ogre fo yna yldrah dodge dna dias consequences eh erutuf consequences eht dire consequences gnikam dire erew dire ewdire dire consequences dire consequences if we fail.
DRANOSH: I know that all too well, Eitrigg. Which is why I’m not going to do this if everyone isn’t in agreement.
Garrosh blinks a few times confusedly, then exchanges a concerned look with Mokvar.
CAIRNE: <watching Garrosh closely> Overlord? Are you alright?
Garrosh looks up at Cairne and stares for a moment.
GARROSH: I… Yeah. I’m fine…Cairne… Just had something in my eye for a second.
MOKVAR: Might be allergy season…
DRANOSH: At any rate… We all know what’s at stake here. I know I’ve said more than once that I don’t intend to send more troops into a losing situation, but I think it’s safe to say this is a special case.
VOL’JIN: I don’ tink dere’s anyone gonna argue, mon. Quel’talas ain’t gonna hold long on its own, an’ we can’ let dem get to da Sunwell. Not again.
DRANOSH: A vote, then. One last battle, to hold the line, at least long enough to do what needs to be done?
EITRIGG: <scanning around> All in favor?
Cairne, Eitrigg, Vol’jin, and Zaela raise their hands. After a moment’s pause, Garrosh and Mokvar do the same.
EITRIGG: And opposed?
VOL’JIN: Dere’s nobody else here, mon.
EITRIGG: Well, still. It never hurts to be thorough.
DRANOSH: I should get you to do my paperwork for me.
GARROSH: You know, I bet he’d be good at that.
EITRIGG: I would not wish to intrude on your confidential documents, Warchief.
GARROSH: I’m sure he has plenty more important things to do with his time.
DRANOSH: I am Warchief.
GARROSH: Better you than me.
DRANOSH: <smirks> Spirits help us. You’d be terrible at it.
GARROSH: Well, it’s a good thing Thrall stuck YOU with the job then, isn’t it?
DRANOSH: <still smirking>No, but really. I think a basic campfire would probably do a better job than you.
GARROSH: <smirks back> Okay, enough. That shit is hurtful.
DRANOSH: What, are you turning sensitive all of a sudden? What’s next, are you going to start writing poetry too?
GARROSH: You never know.
VOL’JIN: Tell you what, mon, we can plan da first readin’ after we out of da fire.
DRANOSH: <turning back to the war map> Well, we’re all agreed. I’ll send a messenger to Silvermoon. The rest of you know what needs to be done to prepare.
VOL’JIN: Aye, mon.
ZAELA: Yes, Warchief.
DRANOSH: Let’s get to work, then. Metting adjourned. Lok’tar ogar!
EITRIGG: Lok’tar!
ZAELA: Lok’tar!
VOL’JIN: For da Horde!
GARROSH: This will either end up turning the tide the tide tide si the ylno tide up saw tide sa gniht tide turning hcus on turning si ereht elpoep laudividni fo sratava yratnemom ogre eht ni tpecxe ecnetsixe dodge on sah hcihw your noitidnoc diulf your accept your a accept si accept emit accept accept you accept your oath.
Garrosh looks around confusedly again, finding himself absently patting the head of a goblin who appears to be kneeling in allegiance. Malkorok approached, ushering Lor’themar Theron with him.
LOR’THEMAR: You wish to see me, Warchief?
GARROSH: I do. I understand you are the leader of the blood elves.
LOR’THEMAR: Um…yes, Warchief. We’ve met several times.
GARROSH: Have we? Hmm. Must have slipped my memory…
LOR’THEMAR: I’m in your Earth Online guild.
GARROSH: You are? Huh.
LOR’THEMAR: Um…
GARROSH: Well, anyway. Out of all our leaders in there, save Gallywix — who’s supportive merely because he sees coins to be made — you are the only one who doesn’t question your Warchief. Not even when Sylvanas tries to play upon your sympathy. I respect that, elf. Know that your loyalty to me is duly noted.
LOR’THEMAR: The Horde embraced and supported my people when no one else would. I will not forget that. And so, my loyalty, and that of my people, is to the Horde.
GARROSH: I am the Horde’s Warchief, Lor’themar. And as such, I AM the Horde.
LOR’THEMAR: You are its Warchief. Is that all you wish of me? My people are anxious to return home and prepare for the war that is to come.
GARROSH: Of course. You may go.
Lor’themar walks off, rejoining the rest of the Silvermoon contingent.
GARROSH: <to Malkorok> That one is worth watching.
MALKOROK: They are all worth watching.
MOKVAR: Um…if I might ask, what’s that supposed to mean?
MALKOROK: <stares at Mokvar a moment> Suffice to say, scribe, that you are not the only one keeping notes. <turning to Garrosh> If you’ll excuse me, Warchief, I have a few matters to follow up on.
Captain Drok approaches and waits close beside Garrosh.
GARROSH: Go ahead, Malkorok. We’ll check in again later.
DROK: Warchief, a moment?
GARROSH: What is it, Drok? Oh…OH…is it…?
DROK: <nodding> I’ve just received word from our team in Northrend, sir. We have it.
GARROSH: <slowly grins, then nods> Good, good… I love it when a plan comes together.
The pieces are falling into place. Everything is lining up. I’ll be sending marching orders to the various leaders within the next day, and soon enough everything will be underway. Everything is going exactly to plan.
If only I didn’t have this nagging feeling the universe is trying to tell me something.
More soon.
[Thanks to everyone who dropped by live to follow the blog in progress! And also, as you may have noticed, the night was capped off with the addition of a badass new header for the blog, generously and masterfully provided by Snapcaster (Cho’gall server) from Dreamweave Design. Many thanks for making the place more presentable! Additional thanks to Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth for providing the header image for this post — click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
Monday mailbag
Well, in my last mailbag, I asked you all to send in pictures of your Earth Online pets, and you obliged! Let’s get to it, and see what everyone’s sporting for vanity companions these days. Before Land Down Under comes out, and they introduce like 200 new companion pets, and everybody loses their fucking minds.
I just finished my rep grind a few days after your call for submissions. I picked out a small puffball of a dog (I think the breed is called Pomeranian) that would be a tasty snack for my raptor Masher if the dog was out in Azeroth. He gets along well with my minions (I get 4 because I am a Stay at Home Mom class) and loves to clean up the food they leave behind so I save time on cleaning. He even washes my dishes for me. My smallest minion is also my most messy so she and the dog get along well because she is always a source of dropped food for him.
–Toka, Orgrimmar
Hey Toka. Interesting with the Mom minions. I’m guessing that works pretty much the same as the minions I get from the Teacher class. Although, from the sound of it, you have to feed yours, which I don’t. But then, I do have to keep a steady supply of lessons coming, so I’m guessing it’s probably a similar mechanic, just with the serial numbers filed off. Come to think of it, I bet there’s a lot of overlap between the minion mechanics for the Mom and Teacher classes. If you don’t do a good job staying on top of yours, do they run the risk or rebelling on you too? That’s a pain in the ass.
I also did the Humane Society quests to pick up a dog. Actually, I also did a “rescue” quest a while back, but Jamie died of old age a few years back. Not long after that, I got Duke here from the Humane Society.
He’s an Austealian Shepherd — a shout-out of sorts to the next expansion. Duke’s quite a bit bigger than your terrier … which, mostly, just means that he costs more in-game currency to feed.
And a bit of advice for Hannahlee … seriously, just show up and start training. That application thing is just for show. Your qualifcations, or lack thereof, will soon be obvious. Possibly painfully obvious. (Which is where the priest trainees come in…)
Now, I need to get back to that “acceptance test” raid that my guild is running…
— A Concerned Citizen
Now see, ACC, that’s kind of interesting. I didn’t know these pets could die of old age. Or of anything, really. Now I’m going to be all paranoid about running across the street when I have Sawyer out for fear of getting him hit or something. Do they have leashes in Earth Online?
Also, I like the fact that this dog is an Australian Shepherd. Since you mentioned having him going back a few years, that just shows you that the devs really did have this whole Australian expansion in mind going back a long time. So seriously, all you people who’ve been whining about LDU being a big joke expansion and “OMG Australians?!” — it’s been in the lore for fucking ever so have a Kaja-Cola and a smile and shut the fuck up.
Here are two pics of my companion pets.
Picture one is actually a couple of years or so old. It is of my eldest son and our dog “Boo.” Boo was an Australian Shepherd, and passed away a couple of years ago. She was a great dog.
The second pic is of our cat “Darcy.” She is still around and ruling the roost. Typical cat.
Your loyal Reader,
–Zwingli
Well I’ll be damned, another Australian Shepherd, huh? I guess you and ACC must have done the same quest, huh, Zwingli? Another one dying of old age, though. I guess this really must be a game feature I haven’t noticed. Maybe I just missed this since I haven’t even been playing for a year yet, so I just haven’t been around long enough to notice pets getting older and dying? Or is this an Australian Shepherd thing specifically? Or wait, is this “dying of old age” thing mean there’s a limited number of charges on summoning the dog, and that’s just the turn of phrase players use to refer to running out?
Anyway, it’s sad to lose your pet — I know I won’t be a happy camper if I ever run out of charges on Sawyer — but I guess you have to give the devs credit for being that committed to realism. You know, other than the fact that YOU can die like a hundred times and just pop back to life like nothing happened.
Also, Zwingli, do you play one of the Mom / Dad classes like Toka? I notice you have a minion like hers in the first picture. I also like the fact that it looks like you can set your companion pet to protect your minion. Come to think of it, that would sort of make sense, seeing as the dog is a Shepherd. Still a neat feature.
Here are screenshots of our dog pets we got with rep! I like the idle position – if you stop moving for a while it just lays down and plays dead! It seems the other one is way more spastic though, and barks a lot more. I can’t quite get it to idle like the other one. I had to turn in-game sounds off because it wouldn’t shut up! They’re pretty cute though and I was told I couldn’t get a third because they tax my computer’s resources way too much. Stupid rules!
–Roika Dark, Brill
Well I’ll be damned, speaking of repeating breeds, Roika, looks like your dogs are West Highland terriers like mine. The one in the first picture in particular looks like he would be a kindred spirit with Sawyer, seeing as he’s a lazy little butterball. Not sure what to make of the problem you seem to be having with the barking, though. My dog hardly ever makes a peep — don’t know if it’s just that I have a lousy audio card, or if there’s something that procs the barking that I’m not doing, or what. So anyway, since you have the same terriers as I do, I’m guessing you did the same rescue quest? How fucked up is that puppy mill sub-zone? I swear, on those rare occasions when I get in a cranky mood, I still go back there just to beat the snot out of the millers some more. I didn’t know the quest was repeatable, though… Something to keep in mind.
You wanted to know about our EO pets so here’s some pix of mine. I got them through a rescue quest. A friend of a friend was LFG and as things worked out, I was there to lend a helping hand. They try help me, but are easily distracted by food.
Strength and Honor,
–Zug Zug
Ah, another rescue quest, huh? I only really noticed the puppy mill quests for dogs, but I guess it stands to reason there would be some rescue quests for cats too. I wonder if there are any other animals you can get from those. From what I remember, cats are the only type of pet that you can buy outright from the Humane Society based on rep.
I saw you be wantin’ ta see our Eart’ Online pets, so I figured you be likin’ dis one. I been spendin’ a long time lookin’ for da right one, mon!
I tink he be likin’ you!
–Bob, Echo Isles
WTF!!! You know what?! I’ll bet you anything THAT’S NOT REALLY THAT GUY’S PET! And hey, guess what else, asshole? If that IS your cat, then your cat’s a fucking IDIOT, because its spelling and grammar is fucking TERRIBLE. Fucking illiterate virtual cat.
Hello, mighty warchief of the Horde!
I write in answer to your call of pictures with our Earth Online pet…
There you can see Ravi, a European Longhair Cat, who is my steadfast companion as I adventure on that strange virtual planet.
FOR THE HORDE!!!!
Faithfully yours *hint hint*
–Uukra
You know, after all the time Uukra has spent e-flirting with me in these mailbags, I suppose it was just a matter of time before she started sending me pictures of her…erm…never mind.
Hey Garosh
I’ve been a pet colecter for a long time in EO so its great to be able to show off a little – some of these are prety rare it realy took me a long time to find them all. You asked for it!
These are my dogs – the black shepherd mix is Kismet, and the golden retriever is Cosmos.
Then there are my cats – Tiger, Cage, and Salem.
Now for the realy intristing ones!
These are my snakes – Medusa (the black one) and Hades (the white one). I got them from a quest in New Mexico and I had to choos one of them but the next week their was a server problem and the quest got reset so i got to go back and do it again and get the other one 🙂
I also got a scorpion off a rare spawn in Africa. I havnt givin him a name though because I’ve mostly been more worried about making shure he doesn’t sting me he has already stung three people in my guild and there toons died!
So after running around getting all these pets I finaly got my Zookeeper achievement and look at the bonus pet I got! So so cute he is an African pygmie hedgehog I named him Moe.
Sory if I spamed you with pictures!
–Eravia
HOLY CRAP that’s a shit ton of pets. Some crazy ones in there too, Eravia, nice job hunting them all down. How many can you have out at once? I could kinda see there being some predator problems if you got too many of them out at once.
Also, based on your writing, I’m guessing you went to school at the same place as Bob’s cat from a couple letters ago?
I know things must be kind of tense between you and Saurfang right now, but I have to ask — has he had any funny noob moments since he started playing Earth Online? I know when I finally convinced my girlfriend to give it a try, she had a lot of little moments, like not realizing your auto-attack toggles on so she kept spamming her 1 key. Any good ones from Saurfang?
–Dedrin, Booty Bay
First of all, Dedrin, I call shenanigans. Your girlfriend? Everybody knows gamer nerds don’t have girlfriends, and girls don’t play Earth Online (you know, other than all the ones in my guild). People make both those points all the time on the internet, so they must be true. I don’t know who you think you’re fooling.
The funny thing about Saurfang is that even though he’s been flying along leveling like a motherfucker, he IS making all these noob mistakes…and yet stuff STILL keeps breaking his way like crazy. It’s kind of incredible, really. You know that expression about falling out of a tree and landing on your feet? Well, Saurfang keeps falling out of trees, and then landing in another, cooler tree that sprouts up spontaneously right next to the first tree, only this new tree has cushioned recliner branches and grows strippers, thousand-dollar bills, and chilled kegs of beer.
Here, let me give you a for-instance.
Saurfang was doing a quest hunting bears and collecting stolen picnic baskets in one of the national park sub-zones. So you know how your in-game map gets that blue blob on it to show where your quest mobs are? Saurfang was looking at it and asked me if that’s where he needed to go for the bears and baskets. I told him yes, and he said something like “For a moment, I thought it looked like water.” Which, okay, that’s kind of cute in a noobish way, right? Yeah, except when Saurfang actually GOT there? The whole damn area got hit with a giant flood clear out of nowhere. Which killed all the bears. Which somehow he got quest credit for just by being there. And all the picnic baskets came floating up to the surface, so he just swam a quick lap around and gathered them up and off he went on his way back to Park Ranger Smith.
The fuck?
That does it for this week, but Dedrin there gives me another idea. For the next mailbag in a couple weeks, let’s hear from everybody about their Earth Online noob moments! I bet there are some good stories out there about people coming face-to-face with their inner Dontrag and Utvoch.
Also don’t forget to check in tomorrow night — there’s lots going on and I’m planning to have some updates going up then.
More eye candy
The last few days (while I’ve been recovering from my latest round of WTFs) I’ve had Spazzle sorting through more of the photos that you all have been sending in, and incorporating them into the blog. There’s still a ton left for him to work on, so you can expect more pics to break up the walls of text every so often. Thanks as always to everyone who’s been sending in pictures to help pimp out the Command Board — and remember, there are still a ton of posts that either have no pictures at all, or could still benefit from some extra illustration (a caption-friendly pic for some of the transcripts would be especially cool, I think). So, you have your homework — get out there!
In the meantime, here’s credit-where-it’s-due for the folks who’ve had their contributions added the last couple of days:
Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate:
- Visiting Zoram’gar (9/14/11)
Regular reader and commenter Eravia:
- Camp Taurajo (10/27/11)
Khizzara from Blog of the Treant:
- Another sampling (9/6/11)
Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth:
- Visiting the Barrens (9/2/2011)
- Visiting Ashenvale (9/8/2011)
- Magatha (12/3/2011)
- Gordunni leads (12/14/2011)
- The story so far (12/18/2011)
- Love was in the air (2/23/2012)
Regular reader and commenter ZugZug:
- Arrival at the Undercity (6/7/2012)
And finally, a bunch more of my own that I’ve added to:
- Monday mailbag (9/5/2011)
- Speaking of Sylvanas… (9/13/2011)
- Monday mailbag (10/3/2011)
- Thal’darah Grove (10/8/11)
- The Last Stands of Sylvanas (4/13/2012)
Finally, one last shout out to Rioriel for the header picture on this post, which totally doesn’t connect to the actual content of the post in any way, but I can’t really think of a way to use it anywhere else and it’s just too damn awesome not to put on the blog somewhere, because SRSLY LOOK AT THAT SHIT.
One last note — last call for your contributions to this coming Monday’s mailbag. Remember, last time I asked all you Earth Online pet owners to write in with pictures of your in-game companion pets. If you haven’t yet (AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DON’T THINK I DON’T), hurry up and get to it! And as always, general letters and questions for your Warchief are always welcome. Send (d) all the above to garrosh1337@gmail.com — YOUR WARCHIEF DEMANDS IT!
