Tag Archives: grimtotem
Gordunni leads
I’ll give these Stonemaul ogres credit, they’re plenty loyal since the Horde’s been helping them. Not too much going on upstairs, but hey. Thank goodness we have orcs like Orhan Ogreblade here at Stonemaul Hold, though, or spirits know what kind of a mess these ogres would make of the place. At least the ogres out at Brackenwall have that brainstorm Draz’Zilb to help stay on top of things. Even if he IS fucking evil. Again, like I’ve said before, at least he gets shit done.
I stopped briefly at Stonemaul Hold and checked in with Orhan and the others. The Grimtotem have still been at it, with most of their activity seeming to be around Dire Maul now. The ogre camps to the south still needed checking on from our end, though, so I flew down there and got to looking around the ruins of Isildien. The ruins are still…well…ruiny, because of course when ogres move into a place, it never occurs to them to fix it up at all. Then again, I guess it’s hard to focus in on home improvement when you’ve got tauren raiding parties running in and smacking you around.
It was pretty obvious that the Grimtotem had attacked the ogres there, even if they’ve started focusing more on the ogres up north. There were a few scattered bodies of Grimtotem raiders around the ruins. Gotta admit, the sight gave me a happy. A few ogre corpses, too, but not all that many. I’m not sure if that’s because the Grimtotem took heavier casualties from the attacks, or because the ogres just make a point of tending to their dead. What do ogres even do with their dead, anyway? I don’t really see them as the memorial service type. Not really up on ogre customs in general, though, much less Gordunni ones.
I kept trying to talk to the ogres to see if I could get some information out of them, but as it turns out, this particular bunch of them is pretty pissy, so instead of talking they mostly wanted to swing clubs at me. Which meant they DID end up doing some talking, only what they were saying was mostly “Ouch” and “I wonder if there really IS an Ogri’la.” So, fun, but not very productive.
While I was flying over the area I did spot this cave in the side of the mountains, and it looked like there were ogre corpses around the outside – a lot more than I’d seen anywhere else around the ruins – so I went in to check. The cave didn’t run very deep, and I could see some light coming from the inside, and some humanoid looking shadows as I made my way toward the back. I tried being stealthy and sneaking in to check it out, but I think I might have blown the sneaky thing when I ran around the corner and yelled “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE” and charged the first dude I saw. Oh well. Gotta be me. Anyway, turns out it was a pack of three humans, a troll, and a dwarf, all chilling around a campfire, and based on what’s been going on lately and the dark purple and red robes they all had on, you can probably guess out who they were working for. So the charging turned out to be a good call anyway. I killed two of the humans right off (gotta tell you, it never gets old), but the dwarf dropped a smoke bomb and the other three high-tailed it out of the cave. I managed to jump back onto them and hamstring the last human, but I wasn’t able to get to the dwarf or troll before they took off into the hills.
The human, though… He was useful while he lasted. Unlike the Grimtotem raider in Dustwallow, this one didn’t need a whole lot of persuading to talk. Then again, humans do tend to be less resistant to a good beating. If anything, I had to be careful not to kill him (right away).
As it turns out, his little band had been dispatched by the Twilight’s Hammer – no shock there – to look into the Gordunni settlement in Isildien, then make contact with their point man in the area, an ogre named Skarr who had been one of Cho’gall’s people when he was lining up his original ogre gathering in the Maul. Whatever they found, they were supposed to check in with him at an abandoned gnoll camp in the eastern part of the woods, tucked away in the hills. Anything they could find out about the phylactery, they were supposed to report to Skarr, so I’m figuring he’s the one we need to pin down if we want to head off this whole Twilight plan. Beyond that, the human didn’t seem to know a whole lot more – for all the dead ogres around their hiding place, they didn’t seem to find any actual information – and I don’t think he was just holding out on me, since I’m pretty sure that would have called for sterner stuff than these humans are made of. So, you know, dead human. I’ve got work to do, and a nonessential captive is only going to slow me down.
Next move is to try to track down Skarr in the eastern hills, but first I’m going to check in with Garona to see what she’s found. As it happens, there’s a small settlement – if you want to call it that – by the Steam Pools just south of here, only a teensy side trip on the way to the Lower Wilds, so we’re going to meet up there to compare notes. I’ll write more once we’ve had a chance to get settled.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
So here’s the plan
Or the beginning of it, anyway. We know that the Grimtotem are hunting down ogres in Dustwallow Marsh and Feralas to try to find the phylactery of Cho’gall. Obviously, we have to make sure they don’t get it.
Since we pretty much know that the Stonemaul ogres don’t have it (see, it helps when half the equation is on your payroll!), we’re going to focus on Feralas. Hopefully the fact that we can eliminate half the possible locations of the phylactery will help us get a jump on the Grimtotem and the Twilight’s Hammer in finding it. Anyway, Garona is heading up to Dire Maul as we speak to scour the place and see if she can find any leads. Meanwhile, I’m going to be flying down to the southern Gordunni ogre camps to see what I can find there.
While all this is going on, I’m keeping Krog and Dontrag and Utvoch working in Dustwallow on a decoy project. Right now, as far as we know, the Grimtotem still think that the Stonemaul ogres might have the phylactery, and the longer we keep them wasting time and energy barking up that tree, the better for all of us. So I’m having the gang at Brackenwall putting up the appearance that our ogres really might have the thingamajig. Apparently Draz’Zilb has some kind of hocus-pocus he can do to help along those lines. I didn’t ask him for details, because honestly, dude is a scary motherfucker, so yeah.
For the time being we’re going to try to keep this job limited to the inner circle who are already in the know, so we can keep a limit on how quickly word of all this gets around. Last thing we need is for the Grimtotem or Twilight’s Hammer to be tipped off to what we’re doing.
Come to think of it, though, if I really wanted to keep a lid on all this, I probably shouldn’t have been blogging about it at length all this time. Including this installment right here. Oops. Oh well. Hey there, water, the bridge says hi and bye from above.
Mortimer’s ready to go. More updates soon.
Magatha
Garona’s on her way from Twilight Highlands to be briefed on the whole situation with the ogres and the Grimtotem and the Twilight’s Hammer and the WTF. From what I’m told all she really needed to hear was “Cho’gall” and she was already packing. Gotta say, if we do nip this Cho’gall thing in the bud, I really hope she doesn’t go all Maiev-post-mortem-Illidan on us. She’s high-maintenance enough as it is, let me tell you. Anyway, she should be here soon, so we can get to work on the Cho’gall problem, assuming we keep enough mood-balancing potions on hand. (Seriously, you have no idea.)
Thing is, though, I’ve been thinking about what the Grimtotem told us in Brackenwall. And I just realized – he said that the Dustwallow Grimtotem were put on the ogres by Isha Gloomaxe, and the Feralas Grimtotem were being directed by Arnak Grimtotem…and we know they’re two of the highest-ranking members of the whole Grimtotem tribe. Which means, if there’s some scheme in the works, and the two of them are out coordinating, smart money says there’s only one place the overall plan could have come from.
Magatha.
And yeah, don’t get me started.
You know what? Never mind. I’m already started.
Look, I know people say I can be pretty cranky at times. And I’m not going to deny I’ve got a temper. There are lots of things that irritate me and a lot of people that piss me off. I’ve got no use for gnomes, and I think we’ve established how I feel about humans. Doubly so for a lot of specific humans – I’m looking right at you, Varian (also: fuck you), and I’m not too crazy about Tirion or Rhonin, either. Even closer to home, Vol’jin annoys the living shit out of me, and I still say Sylvanas desperately needs someone to take her down a peg or two to knock her off her snooty pedestal. But for all of my ranting, the list of people I really, truly, profoundly HATE is actually a pretty short one.
I hate Magatha Grimtotem.
It’s not just that she played me for a fool and basically turned me into a weapon to use against Cairne. It’s not even just her betrayal of her own people, plotting against her chieftain and throwing the entire tauren civilization into turmoil. It’s partly those things, but even those are small potatoes.
It’s that she robbed us. Cheated us. All of us – of so many things, on so many levels. She robbed us in ways that are so complicated, and overlap so much, I’m not even sure I can untangle them all. But here we go…Eitrigg told me forever ago that this blog might be helpful for hashing things like this, so it’s time to see if he was right.
She robbed the tauren of one of their greatest leaders. Hell, she robbed the HORDE of one of its greatest leaders. She robbed Baine of a father. She cheated all of us out of whatever time we would otherwise have had with him by our side.
Not to mention that she robbed me of my honor. My mak’gora duel with Cairne was meant to be honorable combat, two evenly matched warriors, armed with a single weapon and nothing else. By poisoning my blade, she put a shadow over me and forced me to spend the rest of my days hearing questions whispered behind my back about treachery and deceit and dishonor. Cairne’s death will haunt me for as long as I live. I wrote this to Magatha herself once when she called on me for aid: I deserved to fight Cairne honorably, to win or lose on my own merits. If I died, so be it. An honorable death is far better than a tainted victory. But this? What glory is there in defeating an opponent through trickery? In standing over a weakened, dying body that should still be battling strongly?
Because here’s the part that will never stop eating at me. You guys are all friends, so I guess I may as well come out and say it, because it’s not like it isn’t something you already know if you were there for the duel.
Before the poison took effect, Cairne was beating me. And I mean badly. I’m not going to try to dance around it at all – that old tauren was absolutely handing me my ass. I was just barely keeping it together when I landed the glancing blow that poisoned him. And then the venom kicked in. And that was it. There’s no two ways about it: if something hadn’t weakened him, there’s absolutely no way I was going to pull a comeback.
I should be dead. And Cairne should be Warchief.
And right there is the worst of the ways that she robbed us. She didn’t just deprive the Horde of one of its wisest voices. She robbed us of our rightful leader. The point of the mak’gora is “victory to the strongest”…and she managed to turn that on its head. (Hell, it’s like if someone rigged one of those Earth Online competitions for faction leader so that one guy won the contest, but the other guy got to be leader on a technicality or something.) And so now, every crisis we come to, we’re forced to face it without the leadership that Cairne would have provided. It’s one reason why, to be totally honest with you, many times when I’ve been faced with a decision, I try to think of what Cairne would have done in my place. (Not often enough, if I’m really honest.) Because on a really basic level, I feel like I’m serving as Warchief in his stead – serving out HIS term.
And all of this because of Magatha. And now she’s finding new and better ways to betray us all.
She duped me into killing one of the greatest among us, a man I admired and didn’t even want to fight in the first place. She stood right there and watched me do it, then had the gall to think I should be grateful to her for it. And if I ever find her, she’s going to have a front-row seat for what happens when I get my hands on someone I utterly, violently DESPISE.
And on the off chance you’re reading this, Magatha, this is the part where you run. Keep running. Don’t ever stop.
[Header image provided by Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, reproduced here with permission and many thanks. Click here to see the souped-up Postcard version!]
They couldn’t have just been bored and jerkish…
Okay, so now I’m getting worried.
I’ve spent the day in Brackenwall Village with Krog, Dontrag and Utvoch, and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb, all working on getting some information from the Grimtotem prisoner. Things really weren’t going anywhere for the longest time…I’ll give this Grimtotem credit, he had a really strong will, and even after I was giving him a pretty sound beating, he wouldn’t make so much as a peep. Or a moo, I guess.
This was another one of those cases where I don’t want to lose any details, so I had Mokvar come with me to Brackenwall so he can keep a transcript of the interrogation. Glad I had him go train up inscription, gotta say. So, here’s the record of the session, at least after the first couple hours of me smacking the fucker around without much gain…
GARROSH: Okay, so you know, as much as I’m enjoying beating on this guy, I don’t think it’s really getting us anywhere.
KROG: Maybe we just need more knives? I’m pretty fond of knives myself.
GARROSH: Better than a good sound barefisted thrashing?
KROG: Oh yeah, a good clean stab can be way satisfying. Knives and daggers, either way.
GARROSH: Well yeah, but you’re a rogue. That doesn’t help us with this.
KROG: What do you mean?
GARROSH: You’ll just end up stun-locking him. It doesn’t do us any good at all if we’re just keeping him silenced.
DONTRAG: Rest assured, great Warchief, we shall find ways to make him talk!
UTVOCH: Or a great inconceivable agony will await him!
DONTRAG: Far greater than his worst imaginings!
GARROSH: THESE two, on the other hand…
UTVOCH: What about us, Warchief?
GARROSH: Never mind.
KROG: <chortle>
DONTRAG: No, really.
UTVOCH: Maybe just let it go, Dontrag?
DONTRAG: I just want to understand what the Warchief is talking about.
GARROSH: Yeah, good luck there.
KROG: <snort>
DONTRAG: As you say, sir…
KROG: Seriously, where did you find these two?
GARROSH: Stuck in a mine in Stonetalon.
UTVOCH: Where we carried out our duty for the Horde most proudly!
DONTRAG: For the glory of the Horde! For the glory of Hellscream!
KROG: Yeah, I’m sure.
GARROSH: Well they were helpful at the time. Kind of.
KROG: Yeah, thanks for getting them involved with this.
GARROSH: Would you rather be working on this with just a bunch of ogres helping you?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…
GARROSH: No offense, Draz’Zilb.
KROG: Actually, I’m not sure I’m seeing the improvement.
GARROSH: Oh come on. OGRES?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um, I’m standing RIGHT HERE.
GARROSH: Did you miss the “no offense” part?
DONTRAG: I did not, Warchief!
UTVOCH: Indeed and verily, nor did I, oh great—
GARROSH: Not YOU, for FUCK’S sake.
KROG: See what I mean?
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, whatever.
DRAZ’ZILB: Chief Hellscream, not to interrupt, but I believe I may have a method that may facilitate the extrication of vital intelligence from our captive.
GARROSH: Look, he’s being uncooperative enough, there’s no point in making him stupid too so he can’t even understand what I’m asking him.
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…no. What I mean, great Chief, is I may have a spell I can use to force the information from him, willingly or not.
GARROSH: Well why didn’t you say so? Hell, for that matter, why didn’t you guys do this before I had to fly all the way down here?
DRAZ’ZILB: The incantation required a number of reagents, Chief. Some helpful adventurers only just delivered them a short while ago.
GARROSH: Good, so— wait, you actually needed that shit? Like the “go get seven of these and nine of those” that we always send those noobs around to collect? You mean you actually sent the volunteer errand boys out to do something that was really important?
DRAZ’ZILB: Why…would I occupy others’ valuable time on tasks that were not of some genuine vital interest to us, great Chief?
GARROSH: <blink> …Shit, you ogres have a lot to learn.
UTVOCH: I know a good place they could go for extension courses, if they—
GARROSH: SHUT UP, YOU.
UTVOCH: Yes sir.
DONTRAG: Stop interrupting the Warchief, for goodness’ sake!
GARROSH: The same goes for you!
DONTRAG: Yes sir.
UTVOCH: Apologies, sir.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir, much ap—
GARROSH: Okay, SERIOUSLY, BOTH of you, the next word of our either of your mouths had better be NOTHING, because otherwise, the SECOND word out of your mouths is going to be “OUCH, MY HEAD!” You understand?!
DONTRAG: …
UTVOCH: …
KROG: <chortle> This is awesome.
GARROSH: <pummel>
KROG: OUCH, MY HEAD!!
DRAZ’ZILB: Begging your pardon, Chief Hellscream, but is this…a typical day for you and your lieutenants?
GARROSH: <looks down> <long pause> Yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: I…see.
GARROSH: …Yeah.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I resume my elaboration, Chief, or does the moment dictate a further prolonging of the awkward lull?
GARROSH: Okay, I’m fairly sure I recognized SOME of the words in there.
UTVOCH: The extension course DOES include a very excellent vocabulary building unit, if it please the Warchief, begging your pardon, sir, and hoping I might be spared a harsh inconceivable pummeling of—
DONTRAG: <shakes head>
GARROSH: <pummel>
UTVOCH: OWW!! Yes sir, re-shutting up…
KROG: <chortle>
GARROSH: <glare>
KROG: <hand clamps on mouth>
GARROSH: Draz’Zilb, would you please finish what you were saying before I have to fucking kill everyone in the room?
DRAZ’ZILB: Of course, Chief. As I was saying, I know of a very potent incantation, the reagents for which have just presently come into my possession. With it, I suspect we might loosen the reluctant lips of our Grimtotem prisoner.
GARROSH: Is it some kind of truth serum or something?
DRAZ’ZILB: Not at all, nothing quite so invasive. At least not in such a manner. No, good Chief, the spell I speak of executes a separation of the subject’s spirit from his body, leaving him highly susceptible to…coercion.
GARROSH: Well, that sounds okay, but he’s been pretty resistant to “coercion” so far, and it’s not like I’m a rookie when it comes to beating an answer out of someone.
DRAZ’ZILB: True, he’s proven to be remarkably strong-willed. But this is a different matter altogether. One can steel oneself against the pains of the body, great Chief; the body is fleeting and corporeal, and a strong mind can divest itself of the fear for its well-being. But the spirit…touch upon it directly, play upon the proper strings, and no mind can resist indefinitely. Eventually…one reaches a point of necessity. There is, for each of us, a breaking point, a fear so fundamental to our souls that if faced with it, we MUST escape it, regardless the cost. It is no longer a matter of strength or courage or power of will; it is a matter of need.
GARROSH: That’s…just evil.
KROG: I’m liking this guy.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I proceed, great Chief?
GARROSH: So we’re going to be seeing this guy’s deepest fear, is that it?
DRAZ’ZILB: Nothing quite so crude, Chief Hellscream, nor quite as dramatic. It is a process of the mind, and as such, it will be perceived solely by his mind. All we will witness is the shadow of his spirit as it is…extracted.
GARROSH: Well get extracting, then.
DRAZ’ZILB: As you wish, Chief.
Draz’Zilb begins the incantation, and the Grimtotem raider’s body goes stiff and freezes in place. A shadowy outline of the tauren floats up from his body and hovers in the air nearby.
KROG: Kinda like one of those shadow priest body double thingies.
DONTRAG: Should we stun him before he has a chance to hit dispers— OUCH!!
GARROSH: SHUT. UP.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then, here we are… As you can see, my Grimtotem friend, your situation grows a bit more, shall we say, tenuous.
The Grimtotem shade floats higher in the air and appears to look around apprehensively, limbs reaching in different directions as if trying to control its movement.
DRAZ’ZILB: Please, do try all you wish to remove yourself from your current position. It merely expends mental energy while I secure my hold on you. If anything, I thank you for your aid.
GARROSH: Is it working?
DRAZ’ZILB: Quite. Now then, something simple to start. What is your name, Grimtotem?
The shade glares at Draz’Zilb silently.
GARROSH: You’re sure about that, dude?
DRAZ’ZILB: <chuckles> Oh good. Even after hearing us discussing matters, he still needs to be…persuaded. I was hoping he would.
Draz’Zilb waves his staff, and shadowy tendrils of magic force swirl around the Grimtotem spirit. The shade lurches back and forth, looking about frantically, limbs flailing with greater urgency.
DRAZ’ZILB: There…that seems to be helping. But….just to be sure…
Draz’Zilb reaches for additional reagents and tosses them about his staff. He gestures toward the Grimtotem again, whose movements become more jerky and exaggerated, then grow slower as the shade’s form shrinks back.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then…your name.
The shade’s mouth opens. After a long pause, it speaks in an echoing, timid voice.
GRIMTOTEM: Karthag… My name is Karthag Stonehoof.
DRAZ’ZILB: Much better. And you are one of the Grimtotem operating out of Blackhoof Village, is that correct?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: You see, Chief, he can be reasonable. <chuckle>
GARROSH: Dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.
KROG: Think maybe we could bring him in for some of our Alliance prisoners?
GARROSH: Later.
KROG: Just sayin’.
GARROSH: Okay, let’s get back to the point. Let’s find out what he knows about the attacks.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed. What was the purpose of your raid on our village, Karthag?
The shade shudders in place, then cowers with a pained moan.
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, this IS a strong one. Here, then…
Draz’Zilb sprinkles some dust around the Grimtotem’s body, then waves his staff again. The shadow cries out in terror, then cowers silently, trembling.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall we try that again? The objective of your attack?
GRIMTOTEM: We…we are looking for an ogre relic…
DONTRAG: Ogre relic?
UTVOCH: Zounds!
KROG: What?
GARROSH: PEANUT GALLERY, SHUT IT.
DRAZ’ZILB: An ogre relic? Strange that I wouldn’t know of any such thing, being as I am an ogre myself. What is this relic you’re seeking? What do you want with it?
GRIMTOTEM: It isn’t us that want something with it. It’s…it’s the Twilight’s Hammer.
GARROSH: The FUCK he says?
DRAZ’ZILB: Yes, the fuck you sa— erm, that is, what do you mean? Why would the Twilight’s Hammer have an interest in an ogre artifact?
GRIMTOTEM: We…our leaders learned that the Twilight’s Hammer are seeking the relic, and we think it’s most likely in the hands of one of the ogre clans.
DRAZ’ZILB: According to whom? Where is this coming from?
GRIMTOTEM: Isha Gloomaxe arrived in Blackhoof Village with the news. She said we needed to hunt down as many of the ogres as we can, until we find the relic or confirm it’s not in Dustwallow.
DRAZ’ZILB: Is this what’s happening in Feralas as well? The reason behind the attacks there on the Gordunni?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes… Arnak Grimtotem himself was dispatched to oversee the search there, at least that’s what Isha told us…
GARROSH: I’m not liking the sound of this.
DRAZ’ZILB: But why? What is it for? What IS this relic?
GRIMTOTEM: It’s…a magic vessel… Some…some months ago, Cho’gall held a gathering of ogres in Dire Maul. The Twilight’s Hammer believe he had the relic forged while he was there.
GARROSH: Yeah, I’m liking this even less.
GRIMTOTEM: The relic is a phylactery…the phylactery of Cho’gall. They believe…he bound a portion of his spirit to it. They want to use it to resurrect Cho’gall.
KROG: Oh fuck.
GARROSH: Hang on, what the fuck. That’s all well and shitty by itself, but what the hell do the fucking GRIMTOTEM want with it?
DRAZ’ZILB: A fine question, good Chief. A fine answer to follow, I’m sure. Well, Karthag? What interest DO the Grimtotem have in such a thing?
DONTRAG: Maybe they’re trying to stop the Twilight’s Hammer?
UTVOCH: Maybe they think they can use it to preserve their own leaders?
KROG: Maybe you guys should shut the fuck up?
DRAZ’ZILB: Maybe we should let the spirit answer the question before I run out of reagents here?
GRIMTOTEM: We…don’t have a use for it. Bringing back Cho’gall doesn’t matter to us. But…we know that the Twilight Hammer wants it…and so if we can find it first…
GARROSH: You can cut a deal with them.
DRAZ’ZILB: Surely you don’t think they can be trusted. They want to destroy the world!
GRIMTOTEM: Our world…is already destroyed. We’ve become outcasts of the Horde…our attempts to forge a truce with the Alliance have crumbled… We have precious few allies to turn to anymore. And the hope is, if we can give the Twilight’s Hammer Cho’gall, they may help us regain some of what we’ve lost.
GARROSH: You’re insane. I seriously don’t know which of you is more crazy, the Grimtotem or the Twilights.
DRAZ’ZILB: What’s the next move for you? Where are your people striking next?
GRIMTOTEM: I don’t know…very few of us ever knew more than our next mission… I just know what we’re looking for, but beyond that…
KROG: Is he lying? To cover for them?
DRAZ’ZILB: Unlikely. His spirit is broken enough at this point…I don’t think he has anything else for us.
GARROSH: It was enough.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed.
Draz’Zilb chuckles and waves his staff again. The shade shudders violently, then dissipates into the air in a burst of shadow magic. Karthag’s body seizes up, then collapses limply to the ground, lifeless.
GARROSH: The FUCK, dude?!
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, I’m sorry, did I not tell you about that part? My apologies. The procedure does come, eventually, at the expense of the subject’s life. Spirits are so terribly hard to reintegrate into bodies once they’ve been extracted, after all…
KROG: Seriously, Alliance prisoners. Really, really look into it.
I can’t even tell you how pissed off I am about this. How is this going on, and the GRIMTOTEM are able to put it together before WE do? What am I paying my undercover agents for, anyway?! Isn’t this EXACTLY the kind of shit that they’re supposed to be digging up for me?
Obviously this is bad news in a major way. I like to bust Thrall’s balls, but he actually has been breaking his ass trying to come up with a way to get the Deathwing situation under control, and the LAST thing we need is a wild card like Cho’gall to get thrown back into the mix this late in the game. I’ve got to get this shit under control. And fast.
Stay tuned for updates. Meanwhile, I’m dispatching messengers to Twilight Highlands tonight. Sorry if it upsets you, Wega – I’m calling in Garona.
“Could you keep it down, please? I’m trying to be unsettlingly evil in here.”
Monday mailbag
I’m writing this from Brackenwall Village. (Thank goodness Spazzle set me up with some kind of why-fly doohicky that lets me still access the blog from out here, because believe you me, the ogres aren’t exactly pimped out when it comes to computer resources.) I’ve been in Dustwallow for a bit, but so far I haven’t had the chance to get working on the Grimtotem prisoner. Not long after I arrived, a Grimtotem raiding party attacked the village, so we were pretty busy fighting them off.
(Or, rather, most of the others here were pretty busy standing around watching in awe while I fought them off. Gotta admit, I do have kind of a thing for killing Grimtotem.)
Anyway, as you might imagine, that didn’t go so well for them. Still, it ate up a whole lot of time, and right now Dontrag and Utvoch are leading scouting parties to try to track down the survivors. Once they get back, and Krog and the ogres are done shoring up the defenses (we’re probably going to step up patrols just to be safe), we can get back to work.
In the meantime I figured I could take care of this week’s mailbag. Just a couple letters this week, but they’re pretty good ones. The first one, in fact, wasn’t even sent to me directly, but was posted online as a sort of open letter, and I thought it might be fitting for me to offer an open response. Here’s a short excerpt:
On behalf of myself and my co-workers Thathung and Grimful, I, Wabang, would like to announce that we are laying down our axes in peaceful protest, to formally ask you to give us back our former jobs as proud Orgrimmar Auctioneers.
I know when you became Warchief you thought you were doing us a favor by “freeing us” from what you called boring, tedious bookkeeper jobs. We could see how happy you were when you told us that we could finally don our armor and brandish our axes like the proud orc warriors we were, and not be stuck behind a desk any longer.
We appreciate the gesture, Warchief. We really do. It’s just that…well…we kind of liked being Auctioneers.
…
You may not realize this, but Thathung, Grimful and myself chose to be Auctioneers. We were not forced into it. We all carefully studied and honed our arithmetic to be able to perform an Auctioneer’s speedy calculations, and as you are no doubt aware, private tutoring by the Blood Elves is not cheap. Now that we have lost our jobs as Auctioneers, we can no longer afford to pay our outstanding debts, and the Grand Magister gets rather nasty/polymorphy when he is not paid.
This is just a small snippet of the original letter, which I’d really highly recommend everyone going and reading in full. In fact, go do that now. I’ll wait.
You done? Wait, no? The hell, dude? Go read it.
No, seriously.
I’m waiting.
…
Okay, that’s better. Now on with business.
And yeah, hoo boy, here we go. Look, Wabang, I understand that you’re not thrilled with the arrangement. To tell you the truth, I’m not so happy about it myself. That is, you’re right on the one hand – all things being equal, I’d rather have orcs like you and Thathung and Grimful fighting like the orcish soldiers that you are, and it DOES make sense to have the goblins tending to things like the auction house and the bank, what with them being a whole lot less useful on the battlefield. But I also hate to have you guys pushed out of the jobs that you liked.
I’m not going to try to hide behind it being some deal we cut. Sure, Thrall was the one who made arrangements with Gallywix to bring the Bilgewater Cartel into the Horde, but first of all, he didn’t make him any special promises as far as jobs or privileges the goblins would be getting, and second and more importantly, really, even if he did, I wouldn’t give two shits about pissing off Gallywix. It’s fucking GALLYWIX, for fuck’s sake – if anything the thought of annoying him is a bonus.
So here’s what it comes down to: right now in Orgrimmar, we’ve got way more people than we have jobs to keep them occupied. The sudden influx of goblins didn’t help matters. People like to give me grief over the slums that we’ve got in Orgrimmar right now, but contrary to what they might tell you, that wasn’t by design. It’s just reality – after the Cataclysm, frankly, we only had so many resources to do so much rebuilding, and some part of town was going to end up getting the short end of the stick. And when it came time to divvy up the areas, yeah, the least desirable part of town got left to the latest arrivals. Well, them and the trolls. But I don’t need to go on about them. (Side note: if the goblins and trolls are going to complain about their slum, have them take a look over in the Valley of Wisdom. Not my fault if the tauren in Thunder Bluff were willing to send their people extra resources to pretty the place up.)
But more to the point…here were the goblins, stuck in the low-rent district without much in the way of belongings, and pretty much no jobs to do. The one thing they’re good at collectively is business. So into the auction house and bank they went…thing is, though, those auctioneers aren’t really raking it in as much as you might think. Because they’re actually not working just for themselves. That was part of their contract, in fact. They’re actually in there working, pretty much, on behalf of the majority of the goblins over in the slums. Whatever they’re making is getting channeled back over to that part of town to keep the whole cartel stocked with whatever they need. And don’t think for a minute that it doesn’t pain the goblins to have to keep their heads above water through a system that you could pretty reasonably describe as “redistribution of wealth.”
And here’s the ugly truth of it, too, Wabang. The goblins as a group needed something. But just as important…you guys CAN do something else. Frankly, they can’t. So – as I’m sure you’ll appreciate given your training – it really just comes down to the math.
Here’s one other thing, too. While hiring the goblins to run the auction house makes sense in some ways, I have to admit I still don’t trust them entirely. Not least of all because of Gallywix, but I mean, also, come on, they’re goblins. (I don’t want to be getting any texts over that one, Spazzle.) And along those lines…I do think that you might have taken your assignment a little too much at face value. I mean…when I told you I wanted you to keep an eye on the auction house, Wabang, yeah, you were being assigned to stand guard…but like…I also want you to keep an eye on it, if you see what I mean. Because…you know…just sayin’…if someone were to catch the goblins doing something sketchy, skimming money off the top that they’re not supposed to, pulling a fast one on some of the higher-priced Firelands loot…well, believe you me, I wouldn’t be reluctant at all to reevaluate the current staffing situation.
Now, who would I put in charge of watching out for stuff like that? Spirits know I wouldn’t be able to catch something like that – have you seen the attic in Grommash Hold? I can barely keep my own junk organized. So what would we need to catch any shady business? Hmm, well, someone with an extensive mathematical background, a sharp financial mind, someone who already knows the ins and outs of a pretty complicated system so they can spot abuses and loopholes…but if I were going to give someone a job like that, I couldn’t be obvious about it. Say what you want about the goblins, but they’re not idiots. If I stick a bookkeeper right next to them and tell them they’re going to be having their every move watched, they’re sure as hell going to make sure that they either don’t do anything sketchy at all, or they go to MUCH greater lengths to keep it covered. So the way to do it would be to plant someone with the appropriate skills nearby, keep them in a position to keep a close watch, but in a role that would still make sense for them (say, I don’t know, an orcish grunt) in an assignment that would be justified (like, oh what the hell, an armed guard watching over a room full of valuables).
Just food for thought, Wabang. Hang in there and we’ll see what else we can do to help make life a little smoother for you guys.
During my tours of duty with the Horde Medical Corps, I have noticed some … puzzling behavior. Something just isn’t quite right with the Warsong Clan.
I understand what the Frostwolves are all about: kicking Dwarf butt from one end of the valley to the other, then showing them the exit. And I understand what the Defilers are up to: capturing resources for our use, and/or denying them to the Alliance. (Either one works.) I get what the Kor’Kron are doing on the Isle of Conquest. Most of our field armies have sensible, understandable goals.
Then, I arrive at Warsong Gulch.
I follow a couple of Horde soldiers, and we infiltrate the Sentinels’ stronghold. We make our way to the center, I’m thinking to take out their commander. But no, they snatch the flag, and bolt. We promptly retire to Warsong Hold, and then one of them taunts the Silverwing from our parapets.
It was about this time that I realized that the Silverwing were trying to do exactly the same thing to us.
No one was gathering resources, or preventing the enemy from doing the same. No one was trying to interfere with the enemy’s command and control. Seemingly, it was all about grabbing flags and talking smack.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t care. But now they’ve got the Dragonmaw doing it, too. Have they both gone nuts? Or am I missing something obvious?
–A Concerned Citizen
See, ACC, this is what happens when people totally lose sight of their history. The whole flag-capturing deal in Warsong Gulch actually did make sense once upon a time, but after a few years, and some serious turnover in the personnel there (on both sides, apparently), it seems like nobody remembers the point of it all. This is actually a classic case of what happens when people blindly go through the motions without bothering to learn the reasons why.
So, a teachable moment from Garrosh! Lucky you!
So okay. Once upon a time, when Grommash was chieftain of the Warsong Clan, and Horde and Alliance were both going balls-to-the-wall to try to gain control of Ashenvale and its resources, both sides would have regular air drops of supplies. Armaments, explosives, rations, everything. Sometimes even heavy equipment, as we started to become able to bring in zeppelins for supply runs. With the airships we have these days, I’m sure you can see the possibilities.
Anyway, though, if you’ve ever flown over Ashenvale, you also know how bloody impossible is can be to see where anything is down there. It’s nothing but dense forest as far as you can see in every direction (dense forest that’s been fucking dipped in glitter, no less), and even in the areas that have been cleared out, there’s still a lot of visual interference that would make it hard to target those air drops properly. So way back in the beginning, both sides would use flags to mark the drop sites for their couriers. One side or the other would have a spot marked, wyverns or hippogryphs would fly on in, spot the flag, drop the goods, boom. With all the back and forth between the two battling sides, too, the flag system just made more sense, because by the time the supplies were airborne, the battle lines could have shifted, one side or the other could have lost control of one of their bases…it just made sense as a way of signaling where a secure spot would be.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone had the bright idea that hey, if we could go steal one of the Silverwing’s flags, we could stop them from getting the supplies they need. What’s more, if we bring THEIR flag back over to an area that WE control, we could trick the Alliance couriers into delivering their supplies to US instead! So, double win! So from that point, the Warsong Outrunners would launch regular raids to try to steal the Silverwing flags. Eventually, the Silverwing caught on and started doing the same. At that point, it became a much bigger deal to keep control of our own flag, too – there’s not much benefit in stealing their flag to get their supplies, after all, if they’ve gotten our flag to steal OUR supplies, right? That’s just a wash. Hell, it might even be a loss – whose supplies do you think are going to be better, theirs or ours? Horde pride, bitches! Lok’tar!
So all of this actually made sense. But apparently, somewhere along the line, both sides started losing sight of the actual reason behind the strategy, and just started fixating on the flag-stealing thing. Which…is really kind of sad, when you think of it. I might have to look into assigning some new leadership up there, so our forces can actually have some remote fucking notion of what they’re doing again.
As for the Dragonmaw…you’ve got me. I might have to take this up with Warlord Zaela again. (Even money on whether she’ll use the occasion to start flirting with me again. Which I’m sure will set off a whole other mailbag.)
News from Feralas, no news from Dustwallow
A few quick updates on the ogre situation.
Orhan Ogreblade reports that Grimtotem activity in Feralas has shifted. They’re still making frequent attacks on the Gordunni ogres, but apparently they’re becoming more focused. The ogre outpost in the hills north of Camp Mojache has pretty much been wiped out (now maybe the goblins can go dig up their own damn ore what with the coast being clear), but they’ve pretty much stopped attacking the southern camps. From what we can tell, nearly all their efforts now are being focused on the ogres around Dire Maul.
Meanwhile, the Grimtotem raider that Krog and company are holding down in Brackenwall hasn’t provided much information just yet. Krog’s been working on his interrogation, but so far not much luck. I know Dontrag and Utvoch have been trying to help Krog with the questioning, so I told Krog that maybe he wants to try doing it with D&U somewhere else, because don’t get me wrong, I like those two, they’re dedicated soldiers, and spirits know they mean well, but I’m pretty sure there’s some law of physics that says there’s a finite number of words that you can pack into a single room. And having those two nearby has got to burn through your quota awfully damn fast.
Otherwise, I’m not sure exactly how Krog is approaching the interrogation, but I’m concerned that he might be trying to be a little too white hat about the whole thing. I told him the old saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…point being, maybe he should cover the Grimtotem guy with honey, then tie him down in one of those areas in the swamp that’s swarming with giant flies. That might get him talking a little faster.
See, this is why I need to be in charge. My creative approach to problem-solving. You’ve got to think outside the box. And then put your enemies in the box, and light it on fire.
Which is why, by the way, I’ve decided that I need to take a more hands-on approach to all this. No more sending grunts to do a Warchief’s job. I’m flying down to Dustwallow to take charge of the interrogation myself. And this Grimtotem dude better start talking quick, because I can tell you one thing, I’m not the guy you want to talk to if you’re looking for a little extra slack for the Grimtotem.
Taking off as soon as Mortimer is done with brunch. Updates to follow.
Maybe this will start getting us some answers
New update from Dustwallow. I just got word from Brackenwall that our forces have captured a Grimtotem raider involved in the ogre attacks. As it turns out, Krog, Dontrag, and Utvoch were able to lay a trap to lure some Grimtotem out, with the help one of the Stonemaul ogres, name of Ogron. I guess Ogron used to stand watch on the activities of Paval Reethe and other Theramore humans, but ever since Reethe’s death he hasn’t had a whole lot to do, but he just kept hanging out in the swamp out of habit pretty much…so it was easy enough to use him to lure some Grimtotem out for an attack, because hey, lone, unattended ogre.
Except, of course, he wasn’t unattended. Krog, Dontrag, and Utvoch were all standing under cover, and apparently D&U had some elaborate plan for how to spring the trap once some Grimtotem showed up, involving smoke bombs and goblin gadgets and tar traps and some shit like that. Only when the Grimtotem attacked, D&U got too busy bickering over the details of the trap, and totally got themselves distracted from what was going on, and meanwhile Ogron was getting beaten like a rented mule (really not sure if that’s more sad or more funny), so Krog just came out and ambushed them. He managed to kill three Grimtotem by himself, and get the last one running – all of this while Dontrag and Utvoch are still arguing like an old married couple, mind you – and finally Krog ended up chasing him until the raider tripped on branch and went flying smack into one of D&U’s tar traps. Which they couldn’t have been more pleased about, once they noticed.
So I guess it all worked out in the end. He would have gotten away if it wasn’t for those meddling orcs, or some such.
So, they’ve brought the raider back to Brackenwall village for questioning. We might have Draz’Zilb do some kind of magic mojo to help Krog and company get him talking. With any luck we’ll start getting some answers about what’s going on with the Grimtotem.
Brackenwall update
Like I mentioned a few posts ago, I’ve had Dontrag and Utvoch sent over to Brackenwall Village to help Krog with his investigations. I’ve been trying to keep those two in mind after the whole business in Stonetalon, seeing as how I probably wouldn’t have gotten to the bottom of things in time if they hadn’t pointed me in the right direction (I mean, okay, they did send me to Thal’darah Grove when it was about to have a bomb dropped on it, not exactly pro timing there, but if I’d been any later I wouldn’t have known Orthus Cliffwalker was there or been able to crack down on Krom’gar before he could do who knows what else, so they at least made all that possible.) Mind you I like those two just fine, they’re dedicated soldiers and all, but crap they like to talk. I almost want to lock them in a room with Tirion and see whose head caves in first. Just assigning them to the job in Dustwallow took like twenty minutes what with them having to chime in every four words. So…I’m sure Krog is going to have fun with them. They’ll be plenty of help, I’m sure, but I’m also kind of sorry I won’t get to see the look on Krog’s face the first time he gives those two an opening to babble.
Side note – until this last transfer, Dontrag and Utvoch were still in Stonetalon, working on the cleanup efforts there, mostly out of Krom’gar’s old base. Since Krom’gar was…relieved…I’ve appointed High Chieftain Cliffwalker as Horde overlord for the area, and put our forces in his charge. While his base at Cliffwalker Post is being rebuilt, he’s running operations out of Sun Rock Retreat (good to see activity going on there again), and in other happy news, it looks like his reassignment of troops in the southern regions has gone a long way to pushing the Grimtotem back. What with the latest goings-on with the Grimtotem attacking the ogres, it’s good to see they’re being clamped down on pretty well in other areas.
Anyway, I should be getting some updates from the Brackenwall boys soon. Depending on how things shape up, I might head down that way to check on matters myself.
Open season on ogres?
Some disturbing reports coming back to me from a couple different fronts today. Short version: the Grimtotem seem to have gone batshit crazy.
Actually, let me correct that. I mean, let’s face it, the Grimtotem were already pretty batshit. But apparently now they’re managing to go batshittier.
Word’s come in from Feralas that the handful of Grimtotem in the area have started launching attacks on the Gordunni ogres. There doesn’t seem to be much of a pattern so far, just one strike after another in the ruins of Isildien, the Gordunni outpost near Camp Mojache, sometimes even venturing all the way into Dire Maul. Here and there some of the ogres working with us out of Stonemaul Hold have gotten caught up in the attacks, but according to Orhan Ogreblade it doesn’t seem like they were targets specifically, just caught in the crossfire since, you know, when you’re in a mood to kill ogres, you’re not always too picky about which ones.
Side note – can’t really blame them there. I know back in Nagrand I used to get into ogre-killing moods all the time, and when that happened I didn’t care which ones I was hacking to pieces. “Big, tall, really REALLY fat guy” really does start to bleed together after the first few seconds, right? Oh shit, are some of our ogres going to read that and get all pissy with me now? Do I need to find the damn delete key again? Wait, no, what am I talking about? They’re ogres. They can’t read. Moving on.
So anyway, the thing with the Grimtotem in Feralas is strange, but if that’s all that was going on I wouldn’t really care a whole lot. It’s not like the Gordunni have been anything but a pain in the ass to the Horde in Feralas, so if one group of my enemies want to spend their time killing off another group of my enemies, hey, cool, have at it, boys. But I also just received a report from Krog in Brackenwall Village indicating that the Grimtotem that had settled in Dustwallow Marsh have stepped up their raids on the Stonemaul ogres as well. Granted the Grimtotem have been a pain in the ass in Dustwallow for a while, but ever since they razed Shady Rest Inn it’s seemed like they’ve mostly been focused on the humans out of Theramore. Not sure why they’d be taking an interest in the Stonemaul ogres now, but it’s starting to look like the clan all of a sudden has it in for ogres all over the place.
I’m dispatching Dontrag and Utvoch down to Dustwallow to help Krog with the ongoing investigation. (I figure he could use some extra brainpower down there, what with him being mostly surrounded my ogres. Intermittently dead ogres at that, these days.) Meanwhile I might need to step up my own plans for an inspection trip to Feralas and try to see what’s going on down there. Not sure what the Grimtotem are up to, but I kind of have a vested interest in getting in the way of anything that’s going to make their lives smoother…
Monday mailbag
So let’s see what the mail has for us this week…
Not only is King Mrgl-Mrgl of the Winterfin murlocs a dangerous radical, but I be hearin’ he not even be a native-born Winterfin! And he be rulin’ da Winterfin! Join our movement to demand he be releasin’ his birth records! Demand da trut’, mon!
–Bob, Echo Isles
OMG I KNEW SOMETHING DIDN’T ADD UP ABOUT THAT GUY!!! I remember running into him when I was still stationed out in the Borean Tundra. He was always dropping by asking if we had any soy burgers, whatever the hell that was. I was like, dude, why can’t you just eat fish and stuff like the other murlocs, and he got all huffy and gave me attitude. So I slapped him around a little and send him home. Still, he was just weird, you know? Like with most murlocs you’d be lucky to get anything out of them other than “burglemurgleflurglegurglecrap,” and this fucker’s blabbering on about “indigenous” and “ecosystems” and shit. And fuck, if I have to listen to crap that I don’t know what it means, at least let it be crap that doesn’t make me feel fucking stupid on top of it all.
So, yeah, Bob, I think you might be on to something about the fucker. Where do you figure murlocs keep records like that? Probably some little island somewhere where they’re gonna fucking stonewall us on getting the forms released, just you watch. Fucking murloc spin operation.
As your loyal emissaries, to wit, etc., it is our honor to report our arrival as per your instructions in Stonetalon Mountains, Krom’gar Fortress et al. Overlord Krom’gar is pleased to hear of word that notice has been sent of your commandership’s pending visit, we are sure Your Warchiefness will be impressed by the inconceivable might of the forces amassed heretofore as per your indulgency. It is most hoped that Your Hellscreamingestness will pardon the crudeness of our missiving as we are but humble orcs, but Utvoch has been taking an extension course in diplomatic writing so we hope we’ve been able to shape our note into inconceivable due reverentness.
–Sgt. Dontrag and Scout Utvoch, Stonetalon Mountains
Okay, first of all, I don’t think that word means what you think it means, but whatever. Second, I don’t know who’s teaching this class Utvoch is taking, but whoever it is I’m thinking you need to tone it way way way the fuck DOWN, okay? Like seriously. HEAD HURTS. But anyway, I’m glad things are shaping up in Stonetalon. I know the Overlord’s mostly focusing on the Alliance incursion in the area, but make sure we’re also keeping the Grimtotem problems under control down south. The last thing I want to see is those fuckers getting a chance to come up for air.
Fucking geez, though, it took two of them to write that piece of shit? I swear, I know I might not be the biggest genius ever to come out of Garadar or anything, but seriously the internet makes me feel like a fucking brainiac sometimes. Oh wait, fuck, they’re going to see that, where’s that fucking erase button again? SPAZZLE!
To Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde:
We at D.E.H.T.A. have received reports indicating that you are indeed waging a most CRUEL and DESPICABLE war – a war waged against the poor, defenseless animals who SUFFER under your regime. In particular, you have committed the following ATROCITIES against Wyverns and Hippogryphs, two NOBLE winged citizens of the air who surely deserve RESPECT and CARE from an earthbound creature (or dare I say, mud-bound creature) such as yourself:
1. You enslave these lofty souls and force them to bear your burdens, ferrying troops and cargo for YOUR benefit, not theirs;
2. These creatures – of an intellect far surpassing your own, I’d wager – are forced to endure long, TEDIOUS hours of flying the same routes over and over again without variation, or sufficient rest;
3. You ENDANGER their lives by strapping explosives to their backs and sending them into battle where they could be INJURED or KILLED;
4. When they grow weary and tire of these exertions you have them BEATEN within an inch of their lives, showing NO compassion or regard for the services they have rendered to you;
5. You then have the AUDACITY to boast about the maltreatment you have inflicted upon those in your care by posting about it on your so-called “blog”;
6. You make JOKES about “crippled” animals, without regard for how such jokes inflict emotional PAIN and SUFFERING on those differently-abled animals who read your insensitive comments.
Your crimes cannot be allowed to continue!
I have discovered the identity of the Wyvern that you had so callously beaten and sentenced to the Winterspring-Silithus flight path! As you read this message, said Wyvern has been liberated! Members of D.E.H.T.A. have secured the Wyvern – hereafter referred to by his NAME, because he has a NAME, which is MORTIMER – and are moving Mortimer to an UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, where Mortimer will be safe from you and your Horde thugs!
In addition, we also have the following DEMANDS:
1. All Wyverns, Bats, Dragonhawks, etc that are currently serving as “taxis” for the Horde must be RELEASED IMMEDIATELY!
2. Any creature currently in service in the Horde’s army or being used as a mount must be IMMEDIATELY DISCHARGED.
3. If any animal wishes to re-enlist in the Horde’s army or apply for a job ferrying persons or goods it must be offered fair wages, sufficient periods of rest, and full medical/dental insurance, as outlined by the Animal Worker’s Union. (The Animal Worker’s Union is a new initiative by D.E.H.T.A. Details forthcoming, watch your mailbox!)
4. All Horde children will be required to read D.E.H.T.A.’s new pamphlet, “Becoming a Druid: How I can have a fulfilling career while being self-sufficient and able to fly MYSELF around”.
Until you acquiesce to our demands, we will continue to picket your flight points and liberate your “taxis”! (As there are currently six members of D.E.H.T.A. we anticipate that this will be a huge disruption of flight service!)
Best wishes,
–Arch Druid Lathorius, D.E.H.T.A.
Oh crap, here we go.
Look, Lather-on-us, how many times do we have to go through this shit? It’s the same song and dance every time. You dig up some nit-picky complaint about something I’m doing with some animals, wah wah wah, bitch and moan, insert crying like a little girl here, blah blah, skip ahead to me not giving a fuck. Then you start picketing, and then I have some of my mages cast blizzard on your asses, and then you go skittering away because you can’t stand the cold. HEY I HAVE AN IDEA, maybe a fur coat would help with that? OH FUCK I FORGOT, SNAP!
But hey, you obviously put a lot of time and effort into your “demands” there, even though, you know, you’re not in much of a position to demand anything, seeing as I have about 8000 soldiers on hand here who could beat the snot out of any one of you DEHTA asshats. Hell, never mind the soldiers, I’ve got like fifty personal guards who could smack down any two of you. You know what, fuck that, I’ve got half a dozen food tasters who could mop up the floor with the whole lot of you at once. So yeah, not really shaking in my sabatons over the whole “demand” thing, so how about we call them polite requests.
So since you DID put a lot of time and effort (and WORDS, let’s not forget ALL THE FUCKING WORDS) into your requests, here, let me offer a counter-proposal:
1. All wyverns will be released from flight point duty, ON THE CONDITION that DEHTA members make their flight-form-having asses available to carry my citizens around Horde territories as needed, because guess what, hippies, if you mean business about making life easier for the damn animals YOU CAN PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS ARE. How’s that sound? You and the rest of your crazy-ass druid friends just step on up and make sure our air-taxi needs are covered, and hey, you know what, as long as the six of you can stay on top of all the flight demand, those beloved wyverns of yours don’t have to so much as flap a wing. Hey, you know, come to think of it, I’ll even release them into a bunch of wyvern play ranches, and set those up right along all the flight routes, so you pansies can look down and enjoy the sight off all those happy wyverns that you’re making possible. Bet that’ll make those aching wings of yours a whole lot easier to bear, right?
2. But we can’t leave out the kodos and worgs and raptors, now can we? NO WAY. And I’m sure you guys will be only too happy to provide a happier life for those animals too, and don’t you worry, I’m already on the motherfucker. I’ve got my goblins working RIGHT THIS MINUTE on a whole fucking fleet of bear- and panther-friendly rickshaws. They tell me they should have the first six ready to go within a couple days, so you don’t even have to fucking WAIT to make life easier for all those pack animals. AREN’T YOU FUCKING LUCKY!
3. The Horde will donate an enormous pile of cloth to DEHTA, to be used to make some more suitable gear for your members, since I know you guys can’t wear mail or plate armor like grown-ups, and from what I hear druids normally wear leather, BUT WE ALL KNOW YOU WOULD NEVER WALK AROUND DRAPED IN MURDER, and we can’t have a bunch of naked druids wandering around catching their fucking death of cold, so I guess cloth it is! Armor specialization bonuses be damned! And hey, don’t feel like you’re putting us out at all, quite frankly we’ve had these little up-and-coming wannabe adventurers dropping off mountains of the stuff in every capital city for years now, and after the first couple months nobody’s known what to do with the shit, only no one’s had the heart to tell the little noobs they’re beating a dead horse (FIGURE OF SPEECH, FIGURE OF SPEECH, KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON), and seriously you can only make so many fucking band-aids.
4. To show my support of your fine organization and help finance your noble efforts, I will personally fund and arrange a fundraiser – the first annual DEHTA-benefit all-you-can-eat hippogryph barbeque. You can hold me to this: EVERY LAST COPPER WILL GO STRAIGHT INTO THE COFFERS OF DEHTA – so eat up, bitches, the more tasty marinated hippogryph wings we choke down, the brighter the future of DEHTA. TELL YOUR FRIENDS, THANK ME LATER!
5. Horde children will receive your DEHTA pamphlet, ALONG WITH my own supplementary booklet, “Garrosh’s 12-Step Guide to Keeping the Fucking Sand Out of Your Vagina, Even if You Happen to be a Night Elf.” AVAILABLE NOW ON RANDOM TABLETOPS AND BOOKSHELVES THROUGHOUT AZEROTH!
6. All DEHTA members will receive a formal invitation from the Warchief of the Horde to SUCK IT and STFU.
Are we done?
