Tag Archives: the ladies love garrosh
Monday mailbag
So not only have I not really done a decent mailbag in a while (the last one really opened up a pretty big can of worms, to be fair), but in light of recent events, I actually have a pretty serious influx of stuff to respond to. Let’s get right to the mail…
In light of everything you’ve been going through, I decided to take a trip to Demon Fall Canyon to pay my respects to Grom and Lakkara both. I’ve included a picture of myself at Grom’s monument below. Also, while you were traveling to Nagrand this week, I took the liberty of writing a post on the blog to encourage your readers to do the same. Hopefully they’ll follow my lead and send you some photographic proof that we’re all behind you, and thinking of you while you deal with everything that’s happened.
If you ever need anything,
–Spazzle Fizzletrinket, Orgrimmar
Thanks, Spazzle. Much appreciated. As it turns out, a bunch of other people did follow your lead, and my inbox ended up sort of flooded with e-mails and links from people chronicling their own visits. Here’s a smattering from folks who didn’t include an actual letter:
And a bunch here that Leit over at int i; posted as part of a full blog entry on the…well…pilgrimages, I guess, that Spazzle set off:
Condolences on the … recent disturbing events. It’s hard enough to lose a parent once, let alone twice. Know that the Horde grieves with you.
In other news, guess who I ran into the other day? None other than Faranell, the “new guy” in your guild. One of your Kor’kron guards has developed a rather innovative method for controlling the pace of Faranell’s research. He occasionally punts an abomination’s head into the sewers.
That’s Faranell in the middle, and Overseer Kraggosh on the right. He seems to be doing a fine job.
And lastly, Bowling for Wildhammer. You should try it.
(And yes, that’s an atypical hairstyle for one of us. I learned long ago that long, flowing locks and high-torque power shafts DO NOT play well together.)
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey ACC, good to hear from you, and thanks for the show of support. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but I’ll manage. Granted, I’ll sleep a lot better once ol’ You-Know-Who is finally captured and properly dismembered.
Speaking of dissected bodies, thanks as well for checking in on things in the Undercity. Did you happen to see any signs of Koltira Deathweaver while you were down there, by the way? Haven’t heard from him in months, and last anybody heard he was helping Sylvanas with some stuff out in the Plaguelands. Anyway…I’m sure the boys are keeping things under control down there. I’m still not totally sold on Bragor Bloodfist and the job he’s doing with the watching-Sylvanas-but-not-necessarily-in-the-right-way, but I’m sure Overseer Kraggosh is taking care of business. I actually gave him the Apothecarium assignment deliberately, in the hopes that maybe working down there could help grease the wheels on moving him up on the list of potential “donor” organ recipients. Not to jinx things, but the guy has a really bad family history, heart disease and such, to the point that most of the family pretty much treats it as a foregone conclusion. Want to know how bad it is? The name “Kraggosh”? Means “Heart of Cholesterol” in orcish. Yeah.
Also, Bowling for Wildhammer? You’ve got to fill me in on this one. Strangely enough, for all the meetings I’ve had with Zaela, somehow she never mentioned this little diversion in Twilight Highlands. Seriously, they’ve got some kind of blood sport out there called Bowling for Wildhammer, and she’s wasting my time trying to fucking push some damn SUSHI place on me over and over? The fuck?
Spazzle suggested we attempt to cheer you up by sending you letters and pictures of us honoring your dearly departed father and mother. I kept trying to take decent shots, but my stupid pet kept ruining my pictures. The attached one is the best one I have with out any sort of shenanigans.
While I am writing I would like to ask you a question. Have you ever considered settling down and starting a family? I am from the Armripper clan who has made a good showing in all the conflicts. I am young but not too young. I was a part of the events in Northrend and was there to help kill the Litch King. I was also helpful in bringing down Deathwing and the Twilight Cult.
The only deal breaker for me is that I must be able to keep my full stable of pets near me (ie in the house at all times). I love my pets so much and would never be able to settle down with a man that did not respect that. I have 25 of them, mostly large felines of various colorings. Each one is precious to me.
Awaiting your reply,
–Toka Armripper
Oh great. We’ve got another one.
I actually think I remember you from Northrend, Toka, from when I joined the troops in Icecrown Citadel to deliver Hellscream’s Warsong. My memory’s a little fuzzy on one point, though — you weren’t on of those fuckers who had a problem with the Warsong and wanted me to stop singing, were you? Because I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, I have an enchanting singing voice, I don’t care what any of you people say.
I’m also totally fine with the pet thing. I mean, 25 cats is maybe a bit much, especially since you say you’re young, seeing as the Crazy Cat Lady thing usually doesn’t start kicking in until middle age at the earliest. (Also, that thing you said about being “young, but not too young”? Is this your way of telling me that you’re, you know, legal? Because assuming we’re talking over 18 here, “too young”? Ain’t no such thing. If there’s grass on the field, play ball.) But I get the appeal of pets — obviously I’m pretty attached to Mortimer, and he would definitely be a dealbreaker for me too, and I also have my worg Malak, who doesn’t get as much press as Mortimer does but also isn’t negotiable. So I get it.
That said, gotta be honest, I haven’t really given a whole lot of thought to settling down any time soon. For one thing, I have way too many things to focus on that are a lot bigger than just me. I have a war to win and humans to exterminate and the glorious future of an Azeroth-dominating Horde to secure, and my time and energy is going to be a lot better spent on that stuff than running around filling out a gift registry (which by the way, am I the only one who thinks that’s a fucking tacky idea in the first place? “Hey, here’s a list of the stuff we want you to buy us, because getting married all of sudden means we get to act like we’re 10 years old and everyone we know is Greatfather fucking Winter”) and getting measured for a tux. Which, also by the way, I don’t do bow ties. Chafe my neck something awful.
But even beyond that, have you SEEN Thrall since he got married? Look, I didn’t always agree with him, but even I wouldn’t hesitate to admit the guy was a badass. Now? Have you seen how he lets Aggra lead him around by the nose? I mean hell, even when he was busy fighting Deathwing, there he was, him and the Aspects and a collection of some of the Horde’s greatest champions, and they narrowly pull off this nail-biter victory that saves the world, and right in their moment of glory and triumph who just SHOWS THE FUCK UP like she OWNS the place? Yeah. Aggra. No thanks.
Besides, why would I want to settle down? Let’s be honest here — there’s a reason why I’ve ended up having to replace my bed upstairs in Grommash Hold 37 times since I took over as Warchief, and believe you me, it ain’t faulty craftsmanship.
They couldn’t have just been bored and jerkish…
Okay, so now I’m getting worried.
I’ve spent the day in Brackenwall Village with Krog, Dontrag and Utvoch, and the ogre seer Draz’Zilb, all working on getting some information from the Grimtotem prisoner. Things really weren’t going anywhere for the longest time…I’ll give this Grimtotem credit, he had a really strong will, and even after I was giving him a pretty sound beating, he wouldn’t make so much as a peep. Or a moo, I guess.
This was another one of those cases where I don’t want to lose any details, so I had Mokvar come with me to Brackenwall so he can keep a transcript of the interrogation. Glad I had him go train up inscription, gotta say. So, here’s the record of the session, at least after the first couple hours of me smacking the fucker around without much gain…
GARROSH: Okay, so you know, as much as I’m enjoying beating on this guy, I don’t think it’s really getting us anywhere.
KROG: Maybe we just need more knives? I’m pretty fond of knives myself.
GARROSH: Better than a good sound barefisted thrashing?
KROG: Oh yeah, a good clean stab can be way satisfying. Knives and daggers, either way.
GARROSH: Well yeah, but you’re a rogue. That doesn’t help us with this.
KROG: What do you mean?
GARROSH: You’ll just end up stun-locking him. It doesn’t do us any good at all if we’re just keeping him silenced.
DONTRAG: Rest assured, great Warchief, we shall find ways to make him talk!
UTVOCH: Or a great inconceivable agony will await him!
DONTRAG: Far greater than his worst imaginings!
GARROSH: THESE two, on the other hand…
UTVOCH: What about us, Warchief?
GARROSH: Never mind.
KROG: <chortle>
DONTRAG: No, really.
UTVOCH: Maybe just let it go, Dontrag?
DONTRAG: I just want to understand what the Warchief is talking about.
GARROSH: Yeah, good luck there.
KROG: <snort>
DONTRAG: As you say, sir…
KROG: Seriously, where did you find these two?
GARROSH: Stuck in a mine in Stonetalon.
UTVOCH: Where we carried out our duty for the Horde most proudly!
DONTRAG: For the glory of the Horde! For the glory of Hellscream!
KROG: Yeah, I’m sure.
GARROSH: Well they were helpful at the time. Kind of.
KROG: Yeah, thanks for getting them involved with this.
GARROSH: Would you rather be working on this with just a bunch of ogres helping you?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…
GARROSH: No offense, Draz’Zilb.
KROG: Actually, I’m not sure I’m seeing the improvement.
GARROSH: Oh come on. OGRES?
DRAZ’ZILB: Um, I’m standing RIGHT HERE.
GARROSH: Did you miss the “no offense” part?
DONTRAG: I did not, Warchief!
UTVOCH: Indeed and verily, nor did I, oh great—
GARROSH: Not YOU, for FUCK’S sake.
KROG: See what I mean?
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, whatever.
DRAZ’ZILB: Chief Hellscream, not to interrupt, but I believe I may have a method that may facilitate the extrication of vital intelligence from our captive.
GARROSH: Look, he’s being uncooperative enough, there’s no point in making him stupid too so he can’t even understand what I’m asking him.
DRAZ’ZILB: Um…no. What I mean, great Chief, is I may have a spell I can use to force the information from him, willingly or not.
GARROSH: Well why didn’t you say so? Hell, for that matter, why didn’t you guys do this before I had to fly all the way down here?
DRAZ’ZILB: The incantation required a number of reagents, Chief. Some helpful adventurers only just delivered them a short while ago.
GARROSH: Good, so— wait, you actually needed that shit? Like the “go get seven of these and nine of those” that we always send those noobs around to collect? You mean you actually sent the volunteer errand boys out to do something that was really important?
DRAZ’ZILB: Why…would I occupy others’ valuable time on tasks that were not of some genuine vital interest to us, great Chief?
GARROSH: <blink> …Shit, you ogres have a lot to learn.
UTVOCH: I know a good place they could go for extension courses, if they—
GARROSH: SHUT UP, YOU.
UTVOCH: Yes sir.
DONTRAG: Stop interrupting the Warchief, for goodness’ sake!
GARROSH: The same goes for you!
DONTRAG: Yes sir.
UTVOCH: Apologies, sir.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir, much ap—
GARROSH: Okay, SERIOUSLY, BOTH of you, the next word of our either of your mouths had better be NOTHING, because otherwise, the SECOND word out of your mouths is going to be “OUCH, MY HEAD!” You understand?!
DONTRAG: …
UTVOCH: …
KROG: <chortle> This is awesome.
GARROSH: <pummel>
KROG: OUCH, MY HEAD!!
DRAZ’ZILB: Begging your pardon, Chief Hellscream, but is this…a typical day for you and your lieutenants?
GARROSH: <looks down> <long pause> Yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: I…see.
GARROSH: …Yeah.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I resume my elaboration, Chief, or does the moment dictate a further prolonging of the awkward lull?
GARROSH: Okay, I’m fairly sure I recognized SOME of the words in there.
UTVOCH: The extension course DOES include a very excellent vocabulary building unit, if it please the Warchief, begging your pardon, sir, and hoping I might be spared a harsh inconceivable pummeling of—
DONTRAG: <shakes head>
GARROSH: <pummel>
UTVOCH: OWW!! Yes sir, re-shutting up…
KROG: <chortle>
GARROSH: <glare>
KROG: <hand clamps on mouth>
GARROSH: Draz’Zilb, would you please finish what you were saying before I have to fucking kill everyone in the room?
DRAZ’ZILB: Of course, Chief. As I was saying, I know of a very potent incantation, the reagents for which have just presently come into my possession. With it, I suspect we might loosen the reluctant lips of our Grimtotem prisoner.
GARROSH: Is it some kind of truth serum or something?
DRAZ’ZILB: Not at all, nothing quite so invasive. At least not in such a manner. No, good Chief, the spell I speak of executes a separation of the subject’s spirit from his body, leaving him highly susceptible to…coercion.
GARROSH: Well, that sounds okay, but he’s been pretty resistant to “coercion” so far, and it’s not like I’m a rookie when it comes to beating an answer out of someone.
DRAZ’ZILB: True, he’s proven to be remarkably strong-willed. But this is a different matter altogether. One can steel oneself against the pains of the body, great Chief; the body is fleeting and corporeal, and a strong mind can divest itself of the fear for its well-being. But the spirit…touch upon it directly, play upon the proper strings, and no mind can resist indefinitely. Eventually…one reaches a point of necessity. There is, for each of us, a breaking point, a fear so fundamental to our souls that if faced with it, we MUST escape it, regardless the cost. It is no longer a matter of strength or courage or power of will; it is a matter of need.
GARROSH: That’s…just evil.
KROG: I’m liking this guy.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall I proceed, great Chief?
GARROSH: So we’re going to be seeing this guy’s deepest fear, is that it?
DRAZ’ZILB: Nothing quite so crude, Chief Hellscream, nor quite as dramatic. It is a process of the mind, and as such, it will be perceived solely by his mind. All we will witness is the shadow of his spirit as it is…extracted.
GARROSH: Well get extracting, then.
DRAZ’ZILB: As you wish, Chief.
Draz’Zilb begins the incantation, and the Grimtotem raider’s body goes stiff and freezes in place. A shadowy outline of the tauren floats up from his body and hovers in the air nearby.
KROG: Kinda like one of those shadow priest body double thingies.
DONTRAG: Should we stun him before he has a chance to hit dispers— OUCH!!
GARROSH: SHUT. UP.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then, here we are… As you can see, my Grimtotem friend, your situation grows a bit more, shall we say, tenuous.
The Grimtotem shade floats higher in the air and appears to look around apprehensively, limbs reaching in different directions as if trying to control its movement.
DRAZ’ZILB: Please, do try all you wish to remove yourself from your current position. It merely expends mental energy while I secure my hold on you. If anything, I thank you for your aid.
GARROSH: Is it working?
DRAZ’ZILB: Quite. Now then, something simple to start. What is your name, Grimtotem?
The shade glares at Draz’Zilb silently.
GARROSH: You’re sure about that, dude?
DRAZ’ZILB: <chuckles> Oh good. Even after hearing us discussing matters, he still needs to be…persuaded. I was hoping he would.
Draz’Zilb waves his staff, and shadowy tendrils of magic force swirl around the Grimtotem spirit. The shade lurches back and forth, looking about frantically, limbs flailing with greater urgency.
DRAZ’ZILB: There…that seems to be helping. But….just to be sure…
Draz’Zilb reaches for additional reagents and tosses them about his staff. He gestures toward the Grimtotem again, whose movements become more jerky and exaggerated, then grow slower as the shade’s form shrinks back.
DRAZ’ZILB: Now then…your name.
The shade’s mouth opens. After a long pause, it speaks in an echoing, timid voice.
GRIMTOTEM: Karthag… My name is Karthag Stonehoof.
DRAZ’ZILB: Much better. And you are one of the Grimtotem operating out of Blackhoof Village, is that correct?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes.
DRAZ’ZILB: You see, Chief, he can be reasonable. <chuckle>
GARROSH: Dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.
KROG: Think maybe we could bring him in for some of our Alliance prisoners?
GARROSH: Later.
KROG: Just sayin’.
GARROSH: Okay, let’s get back to the point. Let’s find out what he knows about the attacks.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed. What was the purpose of your raid on our village, Karthag?
The shade shudders in place, then cowers with a pained moan.
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, this IS a strong one. Here, then…
Draz’Zilb sprinkles some dust around the Grimtotem’s body, then waves his staff again. The shadow cries out in terror, then cowers silently, trembling.
DRAZ’ZILB: Shall we try that again? The objective of your attack?
GRIMTOTEM: We…we are looking for an ogre relic…
DONTRAG: Ogre relic?
UTVOCH: Zounds!
KROG: What?
GARROSH: PEANUT GALLERY, SHUT IT.
DRAZ’ZILB: An ogre relic? Strange that I wouldn’t know of any such thing, being as I am an ogre myself. What is this relic you’re seeking? What do you want with it?
GRIMTOTEM: It isn’t us that want something with it. It’s…it’s the Twilight’s Hammer.
GARROSH: The FUCK he says?
DRAZ’ZILB: Yes, the fuck you sa— erm, that is, what do you mean? Why would the Twilight’s Hammer have an interest in an ogre artifact?
GRIMTOTEM: We…our leaders learned that the Twilight’s Hammer are seeking the relic, and we think it’s most likely in the hands of one of the ogre clans.
DRAZ’ZILB: According to whom? Where is this coming from?
GRIMTOTEM: Isha Gloomaxe arrived in Blackhoof Village with the news. She said we needed to hunt down as many of the ogres as we can, until we find the relic or confirm it’s not in Dustwallow.
DRAZ’ZILB: Is this what’s happening in Feralas as well? The reason behind the attacks there on the Gordunni?
GRIMTOTEM: Y…yes… Arnak Grimtotem himself was dispatched to oversee the search there, at least that’s what Isha told us…
GARROSH: I’m not liking the sound of this.
DRAZ’ZILB: But why? What is it for? What IS this relic?
GRIMTOTEM: It’s…a magic vessel… Some…some months ago, Cho’gall held a gathering of ogres in Dire Maul. The Twilight’s Hammer believe he had the relic forged while he was there.
GARROSH: Yeah, I’m liking this even less.
GRIMTOTEM: The relic is a phylactery…the phylactery of Cho’gall. They believe…he bound a portion of his spirit to it. They want to use it to resurrect Cho’gall.
KROG: Oh fuck.
GARROSH: Hang on, what the fuck. That’s all well and shitty by itself, but what the hell do the fucking GRIMTOTEM want with it?
DRAZ’ZILB: A fine question, good Chief. A fine answer to follow, I’m sure. Well, Karthag? What interest DO the Grimtotem have in such a thing?
DONTRAG: Maybe they’re trying to stop the Twilight’s Hammer?
UTVOCH: Maybe they think they can use it to preserve their own leaders?
KROG: Maybe you guys should shut the fuck up?
DRAZ’ZILB: Maybe we should let the spirit answer the question before I run out of reagents here?
GRIMTOTEM: We…don’t have a use for it. Bringing back Cho’gall doesn’t matter to us. But…we know that the Twilight Hammer wants it…and so if we can find it first…
GARROSH: You can cut a deal with them.
DRAZ’ZILB: Surely you don’t think they can be trusted. They want to destroy the world!
GRIMTOTEM: Our world…is already destroyed. We’ve become outcasts of the Horde…our attempts to forge a truce with the Alliance have crumbled… We have precious few allies to turn to anymore. And the hope is, if we can give the Twilight’s Hammer Cho’gall, they may help us regain some of what we’ve lost.
GARROSH: You’re insane. I seriously don’t know which of you is more crazy, the Grimtotem or the Twilights.
DRAZ’ZILB: What’s the next move for you? Where are your people striking next?
GRIMTOTEM: I don’t know…very few of us ever knew more than our next mission… I just know what we’re looking for, but beyond that…
KROG: Is he lying? To cover for them?
DRAZ’ZILB: Unlikely. His spirit is broken enough at this point…I don’t think he has anything else for us.
GARROSH: It was enough.
DRAZ’ZILB: Indeed.
Draz’Zilb chuckles and waves his staff again. The shade shudders violently, then dissipates into the air in a burst of shadow magic. Karthag’s body seizes up, then collapses limply to the ground, lifeless.
GARROSH: The FUCK, dude?!
DRAZ’ZILB: Oh, I’m sorry, did I not tell you about that part? My apologies. The procedure does come, eventually, at the expense of the subject’s life. Spirits are so terribly hard to reintegrate into bodies once they’ve been extracted, after all…
KROG: Seriously, Alliance prisoners. Really, really look into it.
I can’t even tell you how pissed off I am about this. How is this going on, and the GRIMTOTEM are able to put it together before WE do? What am I paying my undercover agents for, anyway?! Isn’t this EXACTLY the kind of shit that they’re supposed to be digging up for me?
Obviously this is bad news in a major way. I like to bust Thrall’s balls, but he actually has been breaking his ass trying to come up with a way to get the Deathwing situation under control, and the LAST thing we need is a wild card like Cho’gall to get thrown back into the mix this late in the game. I’ve got to get this shit under control. And fast.
Stay tuned for updates. Meanwhile, I’m dispatching messengers to Twilight Highlands tonight. Sorry if it upsets you, Wega – I’m calling in Garona.
“Could you keep it down, please? I’m trying to be unsettlingly evil in here.”
Monday mailbag
I’m writing this from Brackenwall Village. (Thank goodness Spazzle set me up with some kind of why-fly doohicky that lets me still access the blog from out here, because believe you me, the ogres aren’t exactly pimped out when it comes to computer resources.) I’ve been in Dustwallow for a bit, but so far I haven’t had the chance to get working on the Grimtotem prisoner. Not long after I arrived, a Grimtotem raiding party attacked the village, so we were pretty busy fighting them off.
(Or, rather, most of the others here were pretty busy standing around watching in awe while I fought them off. Gotta admit, I do have kind of a thing for killing Grimtotem.)
Anyway, as you might imagine, that didn’t go so well for them. Still, it ate up a whole lot of time, and right now Dontrag and Utvoch are leading scouting parties to try to track down the survivors. Once they get back, and Krog and the ogres are done shoring up the defenses (we’re probably going to step up patrols just to be safe), we can get back to work.
In the meantime I figured I could take care of this week’s mailbag. Just a couple letters this week, but they’re pretty good ones. The first one, in fact, wasn’t even sent to me directly, but was posted online as a sort of open letter, and I thought it might be fitting for me to offer an open response. Here’s a short excerpt:
On behalf of myself and my co-workers Thathung and Grimful, I, Wabang, would like to announce that we are laying down our axes in peaceful protest, to formally ask you to give us back our former jobs as proud Orgrimmar Auctioneers.
I know when you became Warchief you thought you were doing us a favor by “freeing us” from what you called boring, tedious bookkeeper jobs. We could see how happy you were when you told us that we could finally don our armor and brandish our axes like the proud orc warriors we were, and not be stuck behind a desk any longer.
We appreciate the gesture, Warchief. We really do. It’s just that…well…we kind of liked being Auctioneers.
…
You may not realize this, but Thathung, Grimful and myself chose to be Auctioneers. We were not forced into it. We all carefully studied and honed our arithmetic to be able to perform an Auctioneer’s speedy calculations, and as you are no doubt aware, private tutoring by the Blood Elves is not cheap. Now that we have lost our jobs as Auctioneers, we can no longer afford to pay our outstanding debts, and the Grand Magister gets rather nasty/polymorphy when he is not paid.
This is just a small snippet of the original letter, which I’d really highly recommend everyone going and reading in full. In fact, go do that now. I’ll wait.
You done? Wait, no? The hell, dude? Go read it.
No, seriously.
I’m waiting.
…
Okay, that’s better. Now on with business.
And yeah, hoo boy, here we go. Look, Wabang, I understand that you’re not thrilled with the arrangement. To tell you the truth, I’m not so happy about it myself. That is, you’re right on the one hand – all things being equal, I’d rather have orcs like you and Thathung and Grimful fighting like the orcish soldiers that you are, and it DOES make sense to have the goblins tending to things like the auction house and the bank, what with them being a whole lot less useful on the battlefield. But I also hate to have you guys pushed out of the jobs that you liked.
I’m not going to try to hide behind it being some deal we cut. Sure, Thrall was the one who made arrangements with Gallywix to bring the Bilgewater Cartel into the Horde, but first of all, he didn’t make him any special promises as far as jobs or privileges the goblins would be getting, and second and more importantly, really, even if he did, I wouldn’t give two shits about pissing off Gallywix. It’s fucking GALLYWIX, for fuck’s sake – if anything the thought of annoying him is a bonus.
So here’s what it comes down to: right now in Orgrimmar, we’ve got way more people than we have jobs to keep them occupied. The sudden influx of goblins didn’t help matters. People like to give me grief over the slums that we’ve got in Orgrimmar right now, but contrary to what they might tell you, that wasn’t by design. It’s just reality – after the Cataclysm, frankly, we only had so many resources to do so much rebuilding, and some part of town was going to end up getting the short end of the stick. And when it came time to divvy up the areas, yeah, the least desirable part of town got left to the latest arrivals. Well, them and the trolls. But I don’t need to go on about them. (Side note: if the goblins and trolls are going to complain about their slum, have them take a look over in the Valley of Wisdom. Not my fault if the tauren in Thunder Bluff were willing to send their people extra resources to pretty the place up.)
But more to the point…here were the goblins, stuck in the low-rent district without much in the way of belongings, and pretty much no jobs to do. The one thing they’re good at collectively is business. So into the auction house and bank they went…thing is, though, those auctioneers aren’t really raking it in as much as you might think. Because they’re actually not working just for themselves. That was part of their contract, in fact. They’re actually in there working, pretty much, on behalf of the majority of the goblins over in the slums. Whatever they’re making is getting channeled back over to that part of town to keep the whole cartel stocked with whatever they need. And don’t think for a minute that it doesn’t pain the goblins to have to keep their heads above water through a system that you could pretty reasonably describe as “redistribution of wealth.”
And here’s the ugly truth of it, too, Wabang. The goblins as a group needed something. But just as important…you guys CAN do something else. Frankly, they can’t. So – as I’m sure you’ll appreciate given your training – it really just comes down to the math.
Here’s one other thing, too. While hiring the goblins to run the auction house makes sense in some ways, I have to admit I still don’t trust them entirely. Not least of all because of Gallywix, but I mean, also, come on, they’re goblins. (I don’t want to be getting any texts over that one, Spazzle.) And along those lines…I do think that you might have taken your assignment a little too much at face value. I mean…when I told you I wanted you to keep an eye on the auction house, Wabang, yeah, you were being assigned to stand guard…but like…I also want you to keep an eye on it, if you see what I mean. Because…you know…just sayin’…if someone were to catch the goblins doing something sketchy, skimming money off the top that they’re not supposed to, pulling a fast one on some of the higher-priced Firelands loot…well, believe you me, I wouldn’t be reluctant at all to reevaluate the current staffing situation.
Now, who would I put in charge of watching out for stuff like that? Spirits know I wouldn’t be able to catch something like that – have you seen the attic in Grommash Hold? I can barely keep my own junk organized. So what would we need to catch any shady business? Hmm, well, someone with an extensive mathematical background, a sharp financial mind, someone who already knows the ins and outs of a pretty complicated system so they can spot abuses and loopholes…but if I were going to give someone a job like that, I couldn’t be obvious about it. Say what you want about the goblins, but they’re not idiots. If I stick a bookkeeper right next to them and tell them they’re going to be having their every move watched, they’re sure as hell going to make sure that they either don’t do anything sketchy at all, or they go to MUCH greater lengths to keep it covered. So the way to do it would be to plant someone with the appropriate skills nearby, keep them in a position to keep a close watch, but in a role that would still make sense for them (say, I don’t know, an orcish grunt) in an assignment that would be justified (like, oh what the hell, an armed guard watching over a room full of valuables).
Just food for thought, Wabang. Hang in there and we’ll see what else we can do to help make life a little smoother for you guys.
During my tours of duty with the Horde Medical Corps, I have noticed some … puzzling behavior. Something just isn’t quite right with the Warsong Clan.
I understand what the Frostwolves are all about: kicking Dwarf butt from one end of the valley to the other, then showing them the exit. And I understand what the Defilers are up to: capturing resources for our use, and/or denying them to the Alliance. (Either one works.) I get what the Kor’Kron are doing on the Isle of Conquest. Most of our field armies have sensible, understandable goals.
Then, I arrive at Warsong Gulch.
I follow a couple of Horde soldiers, and we infiltrate the Sentinels’ stronghold. We make our way to the center, I’m thinking to take out their commander. But no, they snatch the flag, and bolt. We promptly retire to Warsong Hold, and then one of them taunts the Silverwing from our parapets.
It was about this time that I realized that the Silverwing were trying to do exactly the same thing to us.
No one was gathering resources, or preventing the enemy from doing the same. No one was trying to interfere with the enemy’s command and control. Seemingly, it was all about grabbing flags and talking smack.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t care. But now they’ve got the Dragonmaw doing it, too. Have they both gone nuts? Or am I missing something obvious?
–A Concerned Citizen
See, ACC, this is what happens when people totally lose sight of their history. The whole flag-capturing deal in Warsong Gulch actually did make sense once upon a time, but after a few years, and some serious turnover in the personnel there (on both sides, apparently), it seems like nobody remembers the point of it all. This is actually a classic case of what happens when people blindly go through the motions without bothering to learn the reasons why.
So, a teachable moment from Garrosh! Lucky you!
So okay. Once upon a time, when Grommash was chieftain of the Warsong Clan, and Horde and Alliance were both going balls-to-the-wall to try to gain control of Ashenvale and its resources, both sides would have regular air drops of supplies. Armaments, explosives, rations, everything. Sometimes even heavy equipment, as we started to become able to bring in zeppelins for supply runs. With the airships we have these days, I’m sure you can see the possibilities.
Anyway, though, if you’ve ever flown over Ashenvale, you also know how bloody impossible is can be to see where anything is down there. It’s nothing but dense forest as far as you can see in every direction (dense forest that’s been fucking dipped in glitter, no less), and even in the areas that have been cleared out, there’s still a lot of visual interference that would make it hard to target those air drops properly. So way back in the beginning, both sides would use flags to mark the drop sites for their couriers. One side or the other would have a spot marked, wyverns or hippogryphs would fly on in, spot the flag, drop the goods, boom. With all the back and forth between the two battling sides, too, the flag system just made more sense, because by the time the supplies were airborne, the battle lines could have shifted, one side or the other could have lost control of one of their bases…it just made sense as a way of signaling where a secure spot would be.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone had the bright idea that hey, if we could go steal one of the Silverwing’s flags, we could stop them from getting the supplies they need. What’s more, if we bring THEIR flag back over to an area that WE control, we could trick the Alliance couriers into delivering their supplies to US instead! So, double win! So from that point, the Warsong Outrunners would launch regular raids to try to steal the Silverwing flags. Eventually, the Silverwing caught on and started doing the same. At that point, it became a much bigger deal to keep control of our own flag, too – there’s not much benefit in stealing their flag to get their supplies, after all, if they’ve gotten our flag to steal OUR supplies, right? That’s just a wash. Hell, it might even be a loss – whose supplies do you think are going to be better, theirs or ours? Horde pride, bitches! Lok’tar!
So all of this actually made sense. But apparently, somewhere along the line, both sides started losing sight of the actual reason behind the strategy, and just started fixating on the flag-stealing thing. Which…is really kind of sad, when you think of it. I might have to look into assigning some new leadership up there, so our forces can actually have some remote fucking notion of what they’re doing again.
As for the Dragonmaw…you’ve got me. I might have to take this up with Warlord Zaela again. (Even money on whether she’ll use the occasion to start flirting with me again. Which I’m sure will set off a whole other mailbag.)
Monday (yeah, yeah, okay, Tuesday) mailbag
Apologies for running late again this week. A Warchief’s work is never done, especially when the Warchief in question has lazy-ass minions who drag their feet about doing it.
So this week we’re hearing back from a couple correspondents who’ve turned up in the mailbag before, along with one surprise letter from an unlikely source, also from a familiar face. Let’s get started…
It’s your most ardent admirer herself, Uukra.
I would like to stress this: *I* am your most devout and ardent admirer, not some cupcake-eating wussie.
I bet they’re a mage and didn’t even cooked it themselves.
Besides, cupcakes will make them fat… unlike a fit, strong death knight (and certainly female!) orc like me.
Oh, and just so you know… I have been following your underwear suggestion. 😉
Your faithful fan & minion
–Uukra the Hallowed
Now see, the “certainly female” line there DOES make me worry…because if there’s one thing we’ve learned since I’ve been doing this blog, it’s that it’s TOTALLY possible for people to go online and pretend to be things they’re not! So now this makes for a whole new worry – what if these female admirers of mine aren’t actually girls? I suppose that might happen sometimes on the internet, right? Or maybe that’s still kind of a stretch, I don’t know…
Anyway, as it turns out, our old friend Wega (the cupcake eater from last mailbag) managed to sneak a look at my mail somehow, and already has a few choice words in response…
It seems that Uukra and I can agree on two things…your supreme awesomeness, and the fact that mages are wussies. The only thing more satisfying than seeing a mage crumple to the floor, is ambushing and one-shotting those D.E.H.T.A. punks.
I bet if she’s following your underwear suggestion, she also wears one of those barely-there plate bikinis that leaves her kidneys unprotected. Assuming she still HAS kidneys. Why would you want a cold, rotting thing that plays with ghouls when you could have a rogue like me? I’m not some half-orc like that tramp Garona, either.
Yours Always,
–Wega
So I’m totally with you on the mages, blinky buggers. And the DEHTA punks. I’m not going to get into the whole Garona thing, just because we can still use her help with Twilight’s Hammer, and let me tell you, she is SOME kind of moody. Like if I let one thing slip that she doesn’t like the sound of, hoo boy, just moping and bitching all day, and don’t even start me on all the passive aggressive bullshit, and how genuinely one of our best fighters can also be so damn whiny and high-maintenance is totally beyond me – oh crap, wait, I’m doing it again. She’s going to read this, and then she’ll be off to the races with the whiny. How do I erase this again? I can never find the right key. Hold up, this looks like a cross-out function, maybe that can erase stuff. SHIT THAT’S ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER. UGH. SPAZZLE!
Anyway, um, on the up side, from this whole back and forth between Uukra and Wega here…well…
<gets popcorn and sits back>
Continue at will, ladies! (Sometimes it can be good to be Warchief. I should add this to the list.)
Speaking of getting mail from girls, though, here’s one more that came in addressed to Spazzle, but definitely deserves some attention from yours truly:
It has come to the attention of the House of Nobles of Stormwind that the Leader of the Horde, Warchief Garrosh Hellscream has a blog on WordPress as does our esteemed Head of the Alliance, His Majesty King Varian Wrynn [epic title withheld].
As the two are notorious for despising one another, we think it would be of great entertainment if the two could somehow be played off one another. Certainly if we make the Warchief and King aware of one another they may go ahead and link to one another’s blog anyway in efforts to defame the other. This could be a mutually beneficial relationship.
His Majesty’s blog can be found at http://varianwrynn.wordpress.com …
Warm Regards,
–The House of Nobles of Stormwind
Well consider me made aware, noble chumps! Hah! So Varian’s decided to start a blog too, huh? I WONDER WHERE HE GOT THAT IDEA. Hey, Varian, remember when you were writing in and making your snarky comments about me writing a blog? Huh? How’s that working out for you now? Hahah!
Anyway, though, since he’s decided to get into the blogging world, he definitely deserves a nice warm Horde-style welcome. So I’d definitely recommend all of you, my loyal readers and minions, drop by and say hello. A comment on one of his posts to let him know you’re there might be good. Tell him I sent you.
Now everyone say it with me:
Fuck you, Varian.
Monday mailbag
Yeah, I know, just barely sneaking this one in under the wire today, but here we go…
Apologies for the belated response. Last week was my on-call week in the Horde Medical Corps, and we had our hands full keeping those boozehounds off Drek’Thar’s lawn. Came out well, though; we had most of the Lok’Tar, they had most of the Ogar.
Unfortunately, that caused me to miss EarthCon. To answer your question, yes, AE is a hybrid spec. You can find it in the Mechanical Engineering tree, but you have to look. Basically, they’re the guys who build and operate everyone’s flying mounts in Earth Online. It’s a nice spec, with a few serious drawbacks. First, there aren’t very many raiding guilds that can really use it. Which leads to the second drawback: if you get booted from one raiding guild, it can take a while to find another one that’ll take you. I’ve done OK with it, but I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s kind of like goblin engineering that way, you should stay clear unless you have a burning desire for it (emphasis on “burning”). That said, the teaser trailer for the next patch looks pretty awesome:
For the rest … yeah, we snooze, we lose. Oh well. As I said, Lor’themar’s not a bad fellow, just mostly useless.
–A Concerned Citizen
Haha, I like that – “We had most of the Lok’Tar, they had most of the Ogar,” that’s a good one. I’ll have to use that sometime.
So the preview video looks pretty cool…also kind of funny how they obviously modeled that rocket on the one that the goblins out at Area 52 have been working on. See, that’s one thing I really enjoy about Earth Online, how they manage to work in all these little references to things in the real world.
I might have to look at the engineer class at some point. Right now I’ve mostly been bouncing between the veterinarian I rolled originally, and the teacher class I made a few weeks ago. I know, I know, it’s just going to take me longer to get to max level if I don’t stick with one toon, but whatever. Have to say the teacher class seems like a high-skill, high-reward kind of thing. Most of the time it just feels like this huge uphill battle, but every so often if you manage to play a sequence really well, you get this huge Charisma buff and can convert some of the student hostiles into minions. Come to think of it, that could be REALLY fun and handy if you could maneuver it just right, and get the buff with a student pack that’s not like the gobliny nerds, but had more of a predisposition toward mischief and violence. Then you could have a really useful bunch of minions! I might have to work on that, it could be fun to have a little army at my disposal…
Also, since you brought him up again, let’s try to keep an eye on Lor’themar just the same. Nice guy or not, there’s something about that guy that doesn’t sit well, and given how things went with the LAST blood elf leader, I’d just as soon be extra careful with him. Oh and also, if you happen to find any powerful ancient magical weapons, don’t show them off to him. Bad enough the arcane crackhead is hanging around the Sunwell these days, last thing we need is to dangle more magic candy in front of him.
Continued thanks for your ongoing good work in Stonetalon. Your efforts will not be forgotten. We will be in contact soon with further updates. Appropriate reimbursement will be forthcoming.
–MGT.
Wait, how did this end up in my e-mail? Grebo’s dead! I buried him right next to Krom’gar. Which is to say, I tossed both their bodies into the same gulch. Fuckers.
Anyway, though, I guess when he died they closed his e-mail account, so I guess maybe it got auto-forwarded to his commanding officer? But that would have been Krom’gar, and he’s…ah. So forwarded again. Fuck, does this mean I’m going to start getting spammed with all their crap? I guess I should print this out and send it to his widow, seems like he had some kind of business venture going on on the side. So on top of everything else he was stirring up in Stonetalon, he was moonlighting to boot. Awesome.
I was just eating a cupcake with the most delightful lemon icing and it made me think of you. Would you like to share the other half of it with me?
Your most devoted admirer,
–Wega
Wait, are you hitting on me? Because first of all, I’m not completely sure from your name if you’re a girl or not, and don’t get me wrong, but I’m not into dudes. Not that there’s anything wrong—wait, what am I saying, there’s TOTALLY something wrong with…never mind. (The Kor’kron lawyers are telling me I have to be more careful about saying stuff like that.) Anyway, second, if you ARE a girl, you’re just going to go making my other mailbag admirers like Uukra jealous. Although…that could have its benefits, too.
So actually, let me put it this way – LEMON SQUARES OR DEATH?
Greetings Garrosh,
Based on all the good things you’ve mentioned, being Warchief sounds like a pretty sweet deal. How does one go about getting the job? And hey, it’s been a while since you’ve treated us to your poetry, surely you’ve been working on something! Can we see?
–Ambitious Near Astranaar
Well, ANA, this is your lucky day. Two birds with one stone, cue the origin cut-away…
Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down.
And I’d like for you to listen, you won’t be bored.
I’ll tell you how I became the Warchief of the Horde.
In downtown Garadar born and raised,
Fighting ogres is how I spent most of my days.
Fishing with Dranosh every afternoon,
And hunting with Nesingwary ’round Oshu’gun.
When a couple of guys who were flinging some mud
Said Grom hooked the orcs on drinking demon blood.
I spent a few years moping – Greatmother had sass,
She said, “I’m getting Thrall up in here to pull your head out your ass.”
The Warchief rolled in and he showed me the truth:
Mannoroth said “You’re mine,” Grom said “STFU!”
Thrall said, “Stop being emo, you’re gonna go far!”
And I thought yeah man, come on, take me to Orgrimmar!
I pulled up into Durotar, after Northrend I’d hit,
But that’s when all the elements went fucking apeshit.
Thrall went to check it out, that’s when I scored,
And I took up my throne, as Warchief of the Horde.
EPIC VERSE!
Monday mailbag
Well, I asked for questions, and you all obliged! Let’s have a look at some of this week’s mailbag – actual letters from actual readers!
Me a peon who read your blog. Me like reading words of my great warchief! And now you ask to hear from peons like myself? This what makes warchiefs Garrosh and Thrall great leaders! Me thank you.
You ask for questions from peons. Me have a question me want to ask, but was too scared. Me ask it now though. What happened to your head? When you went to Northrend it look like any other orc head, now it look like your head too small or your jaw too big. Me think you wounded in glorious battle, but never heard story of how.
Also me would like nap break in afternoon but overseer beat me and make work more. Me can has nap break?
–A Tired Peon
First of all, someone remind me to up the Razor Hill education budget next year, before we get another generation of peons grimlocking their way through writing a letter.
Second of all, ATP, the head thing. Yeah, I know. Don’t think I don’t notice the way people stare at me when they drop by Grommash Hold – and for realsies, you’re not fooling anyone, people. Acting like you’re staring in another direction and then glancing over when you think I’m not going to see? Totally not working. So I guess I might as well answer this once and for all.
So I’d like to say this was from some epic battle in Northrend, like me squaring off with Arthas, or even Anub’arak, and maybe having him unleash one of those swarms of locusts on me and they buzzed all over me and crushed my head down or some shit like that. But the truth of the matter is, it wasn’t anything that exciting.
Those of you who were up there in Northrend with me will remember my last operation was at Light’s Hammer just inside the gates of Icecrown Citadel. You might also remember that I spent most of that time hanging out there with Tirion Fordring. Who I’d already had my fill of, by the way, when I went to meet him with Thrall at his stupid-ass tournament place. (Like seriously, isn’t ONE pansy-ass traveling fair enough for the world?) So hopefully you people were all too busy forging your way into the citadel and fighting our enemies like the Horde soldiers that you are…but meanwhile I was stuck back there with Tirion…who pretty much had nothing to do for a good long time but talk. And talk.
On.
And on.
And on.
Like really, do you have ANY idea how blabby he is? The preachiness was bad enough, having to sit there and listen to his EIGHT MILLION AND SEVEN spontaneous sermons to no one in particular about the power of the Light and the need to work together against a common foe, and blah blah blah. But then he started going on for hours on end about his crazy uncle Lucius who used to live down the block from Andorhal, and thought he was King Llane, and caught Deadeye burning down a dwarf settlement in Loch Modan and forced him to retreat by beating him at Parcheesi, until he finally went off the deep end and painted himself blue and spent all his time running around Tirisfal Glades naked chasing bats with a wooden spatula, until the Kirin Tor snapped him up and locked up away in some padded room in Dalaran just to keep him out of trouble for his own good, and now Tirion feels like my day just won’t be complete until he tells me what kind of marmalade he liked to put on his toast in the morning, and I just couldn’t fucking TAKE it anymore.
So I just clamped my hands down over my ears as tight as I could and hummed real loud, and I guess I didn’t know my own strength and got carried away, because the next thing you know I’ve managed to squeeze my own fucking head down a couple helmet sizes. So good job there, me. Fucking Tirion.
Of course I suppose two years of Noggenfogger shampoo didn’t help matters, but that’s a whole other thing.
Speaking of not knowing my own strength…
I’m a warrior in the service of the Horde. I do pretty well on the battlefield, but I feel as though I can do much better. Could you tell me how you became so incredibly strong? Do you have a workout regiment, or did you acquire your amazing might through constantly crushing the enemies of the Horde under your boot?
–Revga, Orgrimmar
All of the above, Revga, all of the above. There’s really no substitute for beating the living shit out of real, live foes. For one thing, you never know what they’re going to try next, so it keeps you on your toes. Plus, you can really push yourself if you can find some real grade-A enemies to take on. Here’s where I think I might have an unfair advantage over a lot of guys, since I grew up in Nagrand. While some of the Horde here in Azeroth get started killing boars and wolves and bats, I got to get my exercise fighting hand to hand with giant fucking gronn and whole villages of ogres.
Besides that, I do have a workout routine that works pretty well for me. First thing in the morning I run a hundred laps around Grommash Hold. While I’m going around I get some extra arm exercise in by slapping the fuck out of all the pansy-ass vendors just standing around doing nothing. Especially Ray’ma, because trolls sound extra funny when you slap them around. Then I drop by the meat vendor (once she’s regained consciousness) and pick up eight pounds of roast boar for my breakfast. Gotta maintain your strength, and the protein’s good for muscle, you know.
After that I jog up by the rear gate of Orgrimmar where we keep all the siege engines, find one that looks pretty stable, and bench press it. Nothing too major, just a couple hundred reps. Then I head over to the arena and spar with some of my Kor’kron personal guards for a couple hours. The ones that live get to keep their jobs.
By that point most days it’s around lunch time, so I put Gorehowl away, hop on a wyvern (MAYBE I’LL TAKE MORTIMER THIS TIME, DEHTA BITCHES – THAT’S RIGHT, I FOUND HIM!), and fly down to Un’goro Crater…taking the scenic route up through Hyjal and Felwood then down around Silithus and through Uldum, of course (BECAUSE MORTIMER NEEDS HIS FUCKING EXERCISE TOO). When I get there I find a couple devilsaurs, beat them to death with my bare hands, drag them over to Fire Plume Ridge, and hold them over the lava till they get a good sear. Then it’s lunch time. When I’m done I head over to the eastern cliff face to get some rock climbing in, and scale my way up into Tanaris. From that point I jog over to the shore and usually drop by the Caverns of Time, or as I like to call them, the Caverns of Did I Beat My Best Time. Right now I’m sitting on 34 seconds. BEAT IT IF YOU CAN. If you don’t believe me, just take it up with Anachronos, he’s usually the one holding the stopwatch, even if it’s kind of a funky-looking melty one. Anyway, from there I jog on over to the shore and get in my afternoon swim. Which in my case means I swim from Tanaris right on back up to Durotar.
So I know what you’re thinking at this point: Wait, Garrosh, you just said you had lunch a little while before this, plus it was devilsaur, and we all know how heavy that can be – isn’t it bad for you to go swimming a short time after you’ve eaten? And the answer is yes, yes it is….IF YOU’RE A GODDAMN FUCKING PANSY.
Once I make it back to Orgrimmar, it’s usually time for afternoon tea.
At that point I usually have some Warchief crap I have to take care of, so that’s about it for the workout. As you can tell, being this awesome is a full-time job. You don’t just get a body like mine for nothing. And speaking of taking an interest in my body…
Heyyyy mighty Warchief Garrosh Hellscream, you don’t know me I’m your biggest fan EVAH!!!
And I’m an orc, and a gal, so please answer me… what color panties do you prefer in a woman? *hint hint nudge nudge*
Your faithful fan & minion
–Uukra the Hallowed
You know, you’d be surprised how often I get questions like this. Like seriously, if it was ANYTHING like this for Thrall, I don’t know why the hell he would want to get married.
So, Uukra, to answer you. When you come right down to it, I’m basically a soldier at heart, so I’m going to put this to you in military terms. One word: commando. 😉
I mean, I know that’s how I roll.
Yes, you read that right. Soak up THAT mental image. You’re welcome.
Since you mentioned Jaina Proudmoore in your post about Thrall’s wedding, and I figure you must be in the know, I just have to ask about those two. You know what I’m talking about. Did Thrall ever, um, you know?
–Grimgore, Orgrimmar
Jaina? Oh, geez, dude, who HASN’T?
Other than Lor’themar. Obvious reasons.
That’s it for this week, but keep those letters and questions coming! YOUR WARCHIEF DEMANDS THEM!
