Tag Archives: trainees
Memory lane
After the disaster up at Shado-Pan Monastery, Krimpatul and I brought the sha claw that we’d taken from Burzum back to the Sanctum of Two Moons. I’m hoping that if we examine it and conduct a few experiments, we can figure out a way to draw on that sha power without…you know…the accompanying crazy-going. While we get going on that, I’m sending Krimp over to Tian Monastery to round up the DPS trainees and bring them back to Domination Point. Hopefully they managed to pick up a few useful tricks from the monks there.
Oh, but hey, guess who was here to greet us at the Sanctum when we got back? Baine Bloodhoof, newly arrived in Pandaria. That’s, like, the best news I could get without there actually being any good news. Because I’ve been suffering from a severe deficiency in pain in my ass ever since Vol’jin took the big grave-flop…
* Much to his disgruntlement, Garrosh learned of Dezco’s tauren expedition during a planning session for the Dominance Offensive.
** Dezco and Anduin have (some of) this exchange at the Temple of the White Tiger.
[Old Orgrimmar background images provided by Rades from Orcish Army Knife, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Monday mailbag
Before I really get rolling with my investigations in Kun-Lai summit, I figured I’d make a pit stop and check on the mail. Here’s what we have this time around…
I haven’t had the chance to get out to Pandaria yet, but I look forward to joining the war effort soon. In the meantime, I’m curious, what’s your take on all that Pandaren beer I’ve been hearing so much about?
–Kalaban, Undercity
Thanks for writing, Kalaban. Gotta say, I’ve been dipping into the local panda brews quite a bit since I’ve been out here (Can you blame me? Have you SEEN the cast of characters I’ve got surrounding me?), and they’re not bad at all. It’s really pretty hard for me to give much more of a review than that, because if there’s one thing panda beers have going for them, it’s VARIETY. They’ve got these lighter, thinner ones that personally I think are almost like drinking water (I’m gonna bet those are pretty popular with the blood elves), all the way up to some serious, heavy-duty, knock-you-on-your-ass brews. Plus everything in between, including all kinds of flavor varieties. I guess that’s what happens when half the population seems to work in the brewing industry in one way or another.
And really, quality-wise you can’t complain about any of it. The ones that are so-so are still totally drinkable. And the ones that are GOOD? Man. They make half the stuff you get during Brewfest seem like you’re drinking carbonated kodo piss. Speaking of which, I’m almost afraid to imagine what’s going to happen when the pandas get their first look at Brewfest next year, because holy shit.
That’s the other thing you notice about the pandas, I’ve got to say. Dipping into the beer is so much a part of their culture that you don’t even realize that almost the entire population has a constant, low-level buzz going. And the funny thing is, yeah, sure, they enjoy drinking and all, but they manage to stay really chill about it, like you never see any angry drunks anywhere (take notes, Tirion). But it’s also like a cultural expectation that they stay vaguely buzzed even beyond the sheer fun of knocking a few back. Which, by the way, makes me worry about General Nazgrim going native on us – you may have noticed, dude has this nasty habit of boarding ships and then winding up smashing them to bits, and I’m thinking that trend won’t be helped if he starts getting into the habit of boozing it up to boot. Not to mention, he’s a general and needs to stay combat-ready. Can’t have him getting a beer belly on us.
Someone is going around posting this…uhhh….manipulated image of you. It’s a travesty and demoralizing to the horde! This cannot keep going! I find too many who are laughing at this.
The fool cryptically added FYG and sign it J. I am not sure what that means, but it can’t be nice. Fattening Your Gut? Fondly Yours Garona? (bitch!) F..ff..ffffffuucc…. ooooooh……OH. OOOOHHH! O.O
SIR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! I WILL HUNT DOWN THIS…THIS…LESS THAN A PEON WORTHLESS SCUM, SLIT HIS THROAT, AND MAKE A NECKLACE FROM HIS TEETH AS A GIFT TO YOU!
I WILL NOT STAND HAVING SOMEONE MAKE YOU LOOK FATTER THAN JI!
I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILL EVERY PERSON WHO’S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER J STARTING WITH THAT FREAKING BLONDIE BOY JOHNNY AWESOME!
(Like the caps? Me too.)
After all the J’s are dead, their heads hanging of the gates of Ogrimmar, and the streets flowing with their blood…can we like, go out? I think you’re so cute…even if you have a little bit of a belly. (You may want to take it easy on the pancakes and lemon squares, sir.)
Forever in my Heart,
–Tuekie, Rogue Trainee, Ogrimmar
PS: I’m older than I look. Ok?
Okay, so first of all, just so everybody knows, Tuekie here is one of the Dead Peons Society trainees that I’ve been working with the last few months, part of that whole group Gurtash is in. She’s actually the twin sister of Ruekie, a shaman trainee I think I’ve mentioned once before.
And yes, I know. Somebody had twins and named them Ruekie and Tuekie. And yes, I agree. Death is too good for some parents. (Granted, “Ruekie” and “Tuekie” are nicknames, and their original, given names – Rue’kara and Tue’kara – are a little better, but still, come on. You don’t give your twins names that fucking rhyme.)
Anywhow. Tuekie here was part of the original group with her sister, but we ended up having her stay back in Orgrimmar rather than join us for the trip to Pandaria, in no small part because…yeah. As you might have noticed…just a little tiny bit TOO fond of her mentor. So between the fact that in Pandaria I wouldn’t have the ability to send her back to her parents at the end of the day, and the fact that, as a rogue, who KNOWS what she could get up to sneaking around all invisible and shit…yeah, better to let her stay with mom and dad. FYI, there were a couple other trainees who ended up needing to stay back in Orgrimmar for one reason or another, so they’re still continuing their training back there while the other eight trainees are down here with me.
Oh and also, Teukie? “I’m older than I look”? Um, I KNOW how old you are. You’re freaking fourteen. I’m thirty-four, and you’re fourteen, and I haven’t hooked up with a teenager since I WAS a teenager, and the less said about that draenei girl in Nagrand the better, seeing as I don’t want Greatmother coming down here and boxing my ears. So will you give it a rest already because it isn’t going to happen, okay?
Seriously, do other teachers have to deal with this shit? Don’t stand so close to me.
Now as for the OTHER important part of this letter…
OMG WTF IS THAT SHIT?!?!
Okay…so…this is where I am TOTALLY on board with Teukie, because whoever is behind THAT thing…I…it…just…HOLY FUCKING HELL. “F.Y.G.” OMG
Okay. Okay…calming down…deep breaths…let’s look at this thing rationally.
So…we know we’re looking for someone whose name starts with a J. (By the way, I’m not sure if Johnny Awesome is really going to be our prime suspect here, but you know what? Go kill him anyway. Fucker.)
Also, based on…the product…it’s probably a safe bet that this is someone who really, really doesn’t like yours truly. So, right there, that narrows the field down A LOT, right?
Add to that the fact that that image is clearly using an Earth Online character model. So we’re dealing with someone who probably plays EO, or at least is familiar enough with the game that they would think to dip into it for the image.
So…J’s… Ji Firepaw couldn’t be it – yeah, he plays EO a little, but he’s pretty clueless in-game and I don’t see him being able to do that kind of image manipulation. Jorn Skyseer at Domination Point is out – he isn’t a gamer at all, and I’ve always gotten along pretty well with him. Jorin Deadeye? Hmm…I don’t THINK he plays EO, but let’s maybe not cross him off the list just yet.
There have to be other options, though. Think, Garrosh, think…someone who doesn’t like you, whose name starts with J…plays Earth Online…
Oh.
OH.
THAT FUCKING BITCH?!?!!
Ohhhhh man is she in for it. Let’s see how funny she thinks it is when I march down there and blow up her whole damn—OH WAIT, I TOTALLY ALREADY DID. So you know what? If this is her idea of revenge, if the worst thing she can come up with to get back at the Horde is to doctor up some sad little picture to send around the internet, hey, knock yourself out, Jaina. Have fun. Pretty fucking sad, when you think of it. Also pretty ironic that she’s making pictures of ME to put on the internet – seriously, lady, you want to go over some of the image searches for YOU that come up in my Google hits on a daily basis?
I just recently found your blog and just caught up on all of your postings. It’s been nice to see the more orcish side of such a larger than life leader. Plus, your lemon squares are truly a gift from the Light! Even though I am Forsaken, those lemon squares manage to bring life back to my taste buds.
I wanted to share a story I thought you might enjoy. I was searching for news on the events happening in Pandaria, and I came across a picture of Lor’themar Theron. I showed my husband (a blood elf paladin) the picture, and his response was “Who is the guy with the eyepatch?” I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t tell Lor’themar, I’d hate for him to get angry at me. I’d rather not have him glaring at me when I join up with the Reliquary in Pandaria.
Fare well in Pandaria, Warchief.
–Beshara Dawnblaze, Forsaken priestess of the Shadow and Light
Thanks for writing, Beshara. I’m not gonna lie. I LOL’ed reading that. I’m still kinda sitting here chortling, because…hehe…
“Who’s the guy with the eyepatch?”
“What, you mean Eyepatch?”
“That can’t really be his name, can it? People must call him something else, right?”
“Ponytail, maybe?”
“That’s not really a name, either.”
“Hair-Care? Cyclops?”
“I don’t think he would really answer to those, would he?”
“Well then I’m out.”
So, also, see? SEE? NOBODY knows the dude’s name, not even his own people. It’s not just me, and it’s not just the Earth Online gang. Other that Sylvanas, who seems to be able to remember him for some reason. Maybe it’s an undead thing. As far as those of us among the living go, though, I swear it’s like the guy has some crazy psychic field around him that makes everyone forget him as soon as they look away.
Anyway, I’ll look forward to meeting you when you get down here, Beshara. Tell you when, when you see me in person, if you want to crack me up right out of the gate? Just walk up and say “Eyepatch.”
I got a surprise for ya, mon! Dat letter ya got from Tandeleina in ya last mailbag? She was right, mon! I am Vol’jin! She figured it out, mon! I’m up an’ kickin’ an’ still on da loose! Ya bettah watch ya back, mon, ’cause I be comin’ for ya!
–Bob, Shado-Pan Mon Echo Isles
Okay, seriously, dude, do you think I haven’t figured out your MO yet? Come on. This jackass keeps writing to me, and more often than not he just comes up with some crazy ridiculous bullshit to yank my chain and jerk me around. And you know what? I’m man enough to admit a lot of the time he’s gotten me to bite. He’ll write some load of crap, and I’ll take the bait, and rant at him about it for a while, and meanwhile I’m sure he’s kicking back in troll-land laughing his ass off because trolls think positively EVERYTHING is fucking hilarious because felweed.
Well guess what. You’re not getting me this time, Bobbo. Yeah, you’re Vol’jin. Sure you are. Absolutely. You somehow miraculously survived the attack in the saurok cave, and you’ve gone off in hiding to heal up, and meanwhile you’ve been putting this WHOLE GIANT CONSPIRACY together behind my back, I’m sure, and recruiting people to help you, and biding your time before The Glorious Revolution where you overthrow me or some shit.
Yeah, sure. That’s real fucking likely.
Probably.
…
Where did I put that note from AlternateTimeline!Faranell again…?
Sha hunting
I’m giving the blood elves a few days to see if they can get anywhere with Shan Kien — that’s the name of that mogu dude we captured in the Valley of Emperors — but in the meantime I’m going to try to explore other avenues. From what I’ve been able to gather, the mogu’s Divine Bell artifact was able to focus and infuse the power of what the pandas call sha. Basically dark power come alive, sparked by emotions like anger or fear. And even though this Divine Bell sounds like it’s the key to harnessing this sha power to the fullest, that doesn’t mean we can’t do a little testing at the source.
After we’d finished our visit to Tian Monastery the other day, Burzum had stayed behind to see if he could learn a few new tricks from the pandas. I had Gurtash stay with him, and after I’d left for the Sanctum of Two Moons, I had the rest of the DPS kids brought over to do a little hand-to-hand combat training. Now, personally I’m not so big on the fancy martial arts moves — I’m a much bigger fan of just pummeling your opponents to death when you’re not hacking them into little pieces with an axe. But then, that’s ME. Seeing as I’m 300 lbs. of rock-solid awesome and not some skinny fourteen-year-old, I don’t really NEED a whole lot of bells and whistles in my asskicking toolkit. But I figure it might be good for the kids to see if there’s anything useful they can pick up from the pandas.
Also, side note, since I forgot to mention this before — on the way back from Tian, I made a stop at this place nearby called the Arboretum, where they train cloud serpents for some big race. It took some doing, but I managed to talk them into letting me participate in the race even though I didn’t have my own cloud serpent. I will neither confirm nor deny that “talking them into” this involved slapping a few pandas around. Anyway, the race was pretty fun, and you seriously should have seen the looks on the other riders’ faces — and their cloud serpents, for that matter — when Mortimer left them all in the dust. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: wyvern > all.
Anyhow, I digress.
Getting back to the actual business at hand, I’m having Burzum head down to a temple in that neck of the woods that’s been hit by a pretty major sha infestation. Temple of the Jade something-or-other, which really doesn’t help narrow it down much, seeing as it’s in a region called the Jade Forest, and half the stuff around there is called the Jade Whatever-Whatever. Lesson: them pandas sure do love them some jade.
Meanwhile, I’m assigning Krimpatul to investigate another temple not far from our base at Domination Point, a little ways to the north. I hear tell there was a major sha outbreak there until pretty recently, so he might be able to learn something there. While they’re both doing their thing, I’m going to do some extra checking around in the northern mountains, and then the two blademasters will meet me there to compare notes. I hear tell there’s another major monastery in the northwest part of Kun-Lai Summit, so it might be worth convening there and seeing what the monks have to tell us.
More soon.
Underground farmer’s market
While I’m waiting to hear from the Reliquary elves on their latest dig site up in Kun-Lai Summit, I decided to have a look around some of the neighboring areas. Before I came to Pandaria, everybody seemed to be going apeshit over the crazy overflowing farmlands here, and since the Valley of the Four Winds is pretty close by, I figured I’d take a trip down there with Malkorok and the DPS trainees to check it out for myself.
It really is a nice area down there, I’ve gotta say. Kind of reminds me of Nagrand, in fact, what with the grassy plains. Most of the region is covered with farms, and let me tell you, the folks writing in to the mailbag WERE NOT KIDDING about the giant vegetables they’ve got going on down here. Which would be a lot more exciting, granted, if they weren’t, y’know, frigging VEGETABLES.
At one point, I was standing in front of this gigantic carrot that was sprouting out of the ground – like, just the exposed part of the carrot was at least twice as tall as me – and I was saying to the kids how I don’t get the point of having giant-size carrots like this, unless they’ve got giant-sized rabbits to feed around here. And yeah, I know I’ve made that joke before, but check it out – no sooner had I said that, than A GIANT-SIZED RABBIT came hopping out of a burrow and jumped us!
Now granted, it’s not like this thing was especially hard for me and the kids to kill. (To tell the truth, the trainees mostly worked on a bunch of smaller rabbits that came bouncing on in during the fight, but hey, practice is practice.) So, on tonight’s menu: giant roast rabbit.
You know, I think I’ve just found a reason why these giant vegetables might be a good thing after all. Big huge vegetables = big huge herbivores = BIG HUGE MEAT.
Hmm. I should probably rephrase that last part. Jaina might see it and get excited.
Anyway, I figured hunting some of the smaller rabbits – which I guess aren’t quite rabbits, but something the pandas call “virmen” – might make for good practice for the trainees, so I spent a little time going into the burrows with them. The kids are coming along…still a little klutzy, but nothing that more reps won’t fix. Malkorok thought we were wasting our time with all the rabbit hunting, but hey, the kids have to start somewhere.
We went around the valley for a while, poking into those burrows when we found them. Then, after a while, we found what I figured was another burrow in the side of a hill – only when we went in, there weren’t any virmen anywhere to be found. The burrow ended up being a tunnel that led pretty far underground, and as we followed it down, eventually we started hearing some kind of activity in the distance, and could see light around the bend. When we finally got to the end of the tunnel…well, check this out. You’re not going to believe this one.
The tunnel opened to a large room, lit by lanterns hanging from the ceiling. All through the room there were rows of workstations set up with computers, and every one of them was manned by a panda. Mostly kids, from the looks of it, if not all kids. They were all busy working on something on the computers and hardly even noticed us when we came in. Then we started wandering up and down the rows and peeking in on what the pandas were all so locked-in on working on.
They were all playing Earth Online.
Wait, did I say “playing”? Not so much PLAYING, as…well…farming dollars in-game. And then some of them seemed to be on the sales end of the business, hanging out in the capital cities and spamming trade chat with their ads. Seems like the ones who were doing that all had a couple pre-set chat-spamming macros with their set announcements. You know the ones…
[Trade] Plz pay attention to the hot news! Happy weekend and all our friends. For customer in celebration old and new, we special offer on dollars! Now only 1000g = $250$dollar !!! Welcome to WWW. dollardollarbillyall .COM !! Come on!
So yeah, THAT’S where all those motherfuckers come from! Messed up, right?
Obviously I wasn’t going to leave THIS little operation going. I tried explaining my low-grade freak-out over it to Malkorok, but he’s not a gamer and doesn’t understand why I waste my time on that stuff anyway, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t really follow when I tried to spell out to him what these people were doing. I think he pretty much stopped trying to grasp it after he got to the “they’re doing something that Garrosh apparently does not like” stage, and recommended we just kill them.
Meanwhile, one of the trainees, this budding shaman named Ruekie, was already working on a less deathy solution: she started going around talking to the panda kids, and found out they were getting paid like 6 copper an hour for this gig. (I know, right?) So then SHE pointed out the (pretty damn modest but way more than 6c/hour) allowance that Horde trainees get paid, and woo boy, did THAT news spread like wildfire through the room.
So, bottom line, within about 20 minutes we had several dozen panda kids asking to sign on as trainees, and bouncing around on their chairs yelling “For the Horde!” once we’d finished signing them up. Burzum, Ishi, and Krimpatul are about to have a whole lot more mentoring work on their hands than they were probably counting on.
And I didn’t even have to offer to let them punch me in the face.
(Fuck you, Varian.)
Last-minute housekeeping
A bunch of odds and ends to go over, because guess what, people — it’s finally go time. By the time you read this, I’ll be on my way to Pandaria. The voyage will take a few days provided the weather is cooperative, and then the Dominance Offensive will be under way. That’s the name I came up with for this operation, by the way. Pretty badass, huh?
We’ve got a pretty large fleet taking the trip, with another batch of ships that will be joining us from the Eastern Kingdoms — not only is Regent-Lord Ponytail sending a bunch of researchers from the Reliquary, not only is he assigning a pretty large contingent of Blood Knights and Farstriders (whatever the hell THOSE are) to join the force, but he’s even planning to take the trip himself to supervise his crew on whatever tasks I end up giving them.
I also decided that my group of trainees have been coming along so well that they’ve earned themselves a little field trip. This will give Gurtash and the rest of the DPS the chance to watch some of the big boys in action, continue their training with me, and maybe even take on a few small missions of their own, depending on what we run into down there.
Now to put a few things in order here at home before I take off. For one, as per everybody’s votes, I’ve recalled Krog from Pandaria to look into the attack on Mokvar. Malkorok hasn’t made much progress since he confirmed our mystery attackers were still running around loose, so I’m hoping a fresh set of eyes will be able to find some new leads. Plus the timing works out, what with Krog arriving to pick up the investigation right when Malkorok is leaving with me for Pandaria. Mokvar will still be under guard, and I’m looking into a few extra measures for his protection while I’m away.
Meanwhile, the search for a temporary scribe is still going on. Who knew it was so hard to find someone who can just write shit down, right? I guess I’ll just have to improvise with whoever I’ve got on hand when I get down there. I was hoping I could get Saurfang to lend me his scribe, like I mentioned last time, and I sent a messenger up to Warsong Hold with the request…but that didn’t end up going so well. Saurfang ended up dropping by to pay me a visit — scribe in tow, by the way — only he was just grumbly and cranky and all-around bad-mood-ish, and really I don’t know what’s been up his ass the last few months. But that led nowhere fast, so yeah.
As for my OLD scribe, you guys are in for a treat. Or really, more like a consolation prize. See, what with the imminent voyage to Pandaria, I’m going to be out of contact for a few days at least, and even when we get there, I don’t know what the internet situation is going to be, so I don’t know how much blogging I’m going to be able to do. So for the time being, I’m having Spazzle set both himself and Mokvar up so they can post on the blog while I’m away. I know a lot of you depend on the Command Board to bring some semblance of meaning to your empty, pedestrian lives, and I’m not so cruel and heartless that I’m willing to leave you hanging all rudderless while I’m busy taking care of shit that’s way more important than your plebeian ass. And I hope you felt it, because that was from the heart. I’ll be back to posting as soon as I’m able to, but hopefully in the meantime those two will manage to keep you sort of vaguely entertained.
I think that covers everything. That’s it for me for now — next stop, Krasarang Wilds!
Dead Peons Society
This morning I tried a little experiment with Gurtash’s training group – which has been coming along pretty well, by the way, when they’re not driving me up the wall being chattery and unfocused. Anyway, I decided to take them down to the Valley of Trials to see how they would do with some of the odds and ends we give to the new would-be adventurers down there. I figured it would give them a little basic low-risk practice to see how they stack up against some of the other newbies, most of whom are still at least a few years older than them.
I was really kind of hoping there would be more combat involved, gotta say. I’m not sure who designed the training program down there, but come the fuck on. I’m pretty sure our soldiers are never going to find themselves in a situation where life and death hinges on their ability to successfully pick cactus apples. Plus in these kids’ case, that wound up leading to a food fight, so there went a good ten minutes trying to get them under control again. And yeah, there were some boars they had to thin out, but seriously…those boars were so weak and pitiful, the kids hardly got any fighting practice from them. Really, somebody would probably have to kill like 65 million of those things in order to actually get anywhere.
But the real kicker was when Foreman Thazz’ril asked them to go around and smack the laziness out of some peons. Which, granted, those guys ARE pretty damn lazy. I mean as much as I complain about how long the goblins have been taking to finish the post-Cataclysm rebuilding in Orgrimmar (which, yes, they STILL haven’t finished, and which, yes, STILL boggles my mind), I don’t even want to THINK about how much longer things would have taken if I’d left that shit for the peons to do. We’d probably all still be sitting around a pile of fucking rocks and tucking ourselves in at night in a cozy little bed of mud and uprooted weeds.
Don’t get fucking excited, trolls – I said WEEDS, not WEED.
Anyway, Thazz’ril asked the kids to go smack the peons around a little and get them off their lazy asses. Only here’s the thing – the kids didn’t know their own strength…so…we ended up having, uh, a couple dead peons. Which, okay, I know I should maybe give a crap about them being dead, but come on. If a fourteen-year-old can walk up and one-shot you, you probably needed to be dead. Just sayin’.
The trainees were a little unnerved by the, y’know, unexpected fatalities, but I tried to play it up as a confidence-builder and told them there would be plenty of others falling before them once they got the chance to do battle for the glory of the Horde. Only not so much falling from people who might have widows who are covered by contract death benefits, because ugh, more paperwork. (I left out that last part with the kids.) That perked them up a lot, so I figured what the hell, why not use this to build some group pride. So next thing you know, my little pack of trainees are calling themselves the Dead Peons Society.
It’s got kind of a ring to it, as long as you don’t think about it too much and realize where it actually comes from. Plus, it even lends itself to a decent abbreviation. When it comes time for me to start sending them out on actual missions, I can totally see myself saying things like “Time to call in the DPS.”
More soon.
Best-laid plans
So I’ve been working with my trainees the last couple days, and other than the fact that by and large they have the attention span of a gnat on caffeine, and the fact that they seem to find every random thing hilarious, especially if you try to get them to STOP finding it hilarious, because when you try to get them to take something seriously for a change boy oh boy that REALLY brings on the LOL’s, and…what was I talking about? I swear I should try to edit some of these things when I write them. That is, if Spazzle can ever get his twitchy green ass around to showing me where the damn delete key is again.
Okay, so take two. The trainees. Once you get past all the crap that makes fourteen year olds annoying, which granted is a lot, they’re actually pretty good. I mean you can definitely see the makings of some pretty decent warriors among the bunch of them. Gurtash included, obviously, but then he does have kind of an unfair edge, what with me already having been showing him a few tricks. I’ll keep you all posted on how this whole thing goes.
In the meantime, we had another planning session for Pandaria today. We’re getting close to being ready to go…
EITRIGG: Preparations are going to schedule, Warchief. The fleet is now fully assembled at Bladefist Bay, and Grizzle Gearslip assures me that the last of the siege engines will be ready within a few days.
MALKOROK: I would recommend keeping the fleet on rotating patrols until we’re ready to depart, Warchief. If we keep the entire fleet docked, and the Alliance launches an attack…
GARROSH: Good call. I assume you can work out a rotation with Drok and the other captains?
MALKOROK: I’ll see to the arrangements, Warchief.
GARROSH: Good. One other question.
MALKOROK: Yes, sir?
GARROSH: Who the hell are these people?
Garrosh points to two other orcs sitting around Malkorok at the conference table.
MALKOROK: Sir? You’ve already met Rak’gor Bloodrazor here; he was at our last strategy session.
GARROSH: Oh, yeah, I remember him now. Who’s the other guy?
MALKOROK: Another one of my lieutenants, sir. This is Gul’tar – former apprentice of Ga’trul, in fact, from the initial Pandaia landing force.
EITRIGG: Did we ever find out exactly what happened with them, incidentally?
GARROSH: Not much other than being pretty well wiped out by the second wave of Alliance forces.
MALKOROK: You mean the ones that had to recruit the local fish men to fill out their ranks?
GARROSH: <sighs> Yes.
EITRIGG: Speaking of which, as well, since we’re drawing close to being ready, we might want to gather as much information as possible on the land and its peoples.
MALKOROK: I would imagine that may be a rare instance when those…preposterous new pandaren arrivals might prove useful.
GARROSH: You’ve been getting pretty close to Ji since he started playing EO, haven’t you, Mokvar? Pick up anything useful from him?
MOKVAR: Not really. Here’s the thing – Ji and all his people came from a place called the Wandering Isle, which isn’t actually part of Pandaria proper.
EITRIGG: It’s an island nearby, though, isn’t it?
MOKVAR: Well, sometimes.
EITRIGG: Sometimes?
MOKVAR: It’s technically not an island.
EITRIGG: What is it, then?
GARROSH: Hold on to your ass for this one…
MOKVAR: It’s a giant turtle.
MALKOROK: …What?
MOKVAR: The Wandering Isle is a giant turtle that swims around the ocean – usually near Pandaria, but not always. The pandaren that live there basically built a whole civilization on its back. A lot of them don’t even know the truth about the “island.”
MALKOROK: <grumbling> Warchief… I suspect your…scribe here may be providing faulty intelligence.
GARROSH: No, I got this same story about the Wandering Islse from Ji.
MALKOROK: This would be the same pandaren who appears to be forever getting himself stuck in tight openings in the pursuit of food?
EITRIGG: So I assume that since the Huojin live separately from the Pandaren mainland…?
MOKVAR: They haven’t had any contact with the place in generations. No help there as far as providing useful information.
GARROSH: I guess we’ll have to get by on what we’re able to learn from Nazgrim and Krog, then.
MOKVAR: While I’m thinking of it, though, Ji was asking me earlier about what’s going on in Ragefire Chasm. I guess he had a few of his people go down there—
MALKOROK: Is this really important enough to interrupt our planning, scribe? You can’t seriously think the confusion of those perpetually confused bear people is more relevant than the imminent invasion.
MOKVAR: I was just wondering—
MALKOROK: Wonder all you want, scribe, just do it quietly. Now then…
Vol’jin enters.
VOL’JIN: Hey, mon, sorry I be late ta da meetin’!
GARROSH: Oh fucking hell, who told him about the meeting THIS time?
VOL’JIN: Was I not supposed ta know, mon?
GARROSH: Not exactly.
VOL’JIN: Oh, was ya plannin’ a surprise party for me, mon? Is dere cake?
GARROSH: <rubbing his forehead> No, we’re not throwing you a surprise…you know what, fuck it, just sit down, Vol’jin.
VOL’JIN: Tank ya, Warchief.
Vol’jin walks over to Malkorok at the table and turns to Gul’tar.
Ya be in ma seat, mon.
GUL’TAR: I…what?
VOL’JIN: Dat seat, mon. Dat’s where I always sit. Ya be in ma spot, mon.
GARROSH: Vol’jin, does it actually matter?
VOL’JIN: Ya, mon! I’m a creature a’ habit, an’ I be feelin’ all outta sorts if I don’ sit in ma normal place! Besides…
Vol’jin claps Malkorok on the shoulder jovially; Malkorok jumps in surprise, then glares up at Vol’jin.
…Malkorok an’ me tight now, an’ I be missin’ ma buddy if I sit somewhere else!
GUL’TAR: <grumbles and turns to Malkorok> I’ll just move, sir. I would…hate to occupy the troll’s place.
Gul’tar moves over one seat. Vol’jin sits next to Malkorok. Malkorok stares at him icily for a moment; Vol’jin replies with an exaggerated grin.
GARROSH: So…back to business. What’s our latest from General Nazgrim?
EITRIGG: He and his team have recovered from their injuries and indicate they’re making inroads with some of the pandaren in the northern mountains.
VOL’JIN: Dey all make it t’rough okay?
EITRIGG: Shademaster Kiryn and Rivett Clutchpop made it fine. It seems their marksman, Shokia, is unaccounted for.
GARROSH: I wouldn’t worry too much about her…
EITRIGG: Nazgrim reports the northern pandaren are in conflict with a tauren offshoot race. He doesn’t make it sound like too dire a situation, though.
GARROSH: Not something we need to worry much about, anyway, if this is going on in the northern regions. We’ll be coming in along the southern coast.
MALKOROK: Do we have any operatives scouting the south for us, then?
EITRIGG: Just a number of volunteers who’ve been making their way around the continent of their own accord and checking in when they can.
VOL’JIN: I tink dere was a group of Baine’s people doin’ some explorin’ in da sout’ too, mon.
MALKOROK: What? Bloodhoof sent his own expedition to Pandaria?
VOL’JIN: Ya, mon. Sunwalker Dezco was leadin’ it.
MALKOROK: And why, I wonder, would he presume to send his own detachment without clearing it with Orgrimmar?
VOL’JIN: I didn’t know da tauren had to ask permission ta do tings.
MALKOROK: A loyal member of the Horde should be clearing obvious military operations with their Warchief, troll.
GARROSH: Do you want to explain why Baine apparently saw fit to tell YOU about this expedition and not ME?
VOL’JIN: <beaming> I’m a people person, mon!
MALKOROK: At best, this stinks of insubordination, Warchief. And potentially disloyalty of a far worse kind. How do we know they’re not conspiring for their own purposes?
EITRIGG: You cannot seriously think the tauren would be engaged in something illicit?
MALKOROK: I do not trust that Baine or the rest of his ilk. He’s put himself at odds with the Warchief too many times already.
VOL’JIN: Ya tink he’s disloyal, mon? I been speakin’ my mind to Garrosh, too – ya be tinkin’ I’m a traitor?
GARROSH: Not a traitor, Vol’jin, but I’ll tell you in no uncertain terms, the two of you HAVE been a grade-A pain in the ass the last few months.
MALKOROK: As far as I’m concerned, you could very well be conspiring with him on whatever he’s up to. Don’t think I’m not keeping an eye on you, troll.
VOL’JIN: Oh, don’cha be worryin’, mon. If I was ever workin’ against ya in secret, you’d know.
GARROSH: I… <rubs forehead> That…doesn’t even make sense, you stupid troll. By definition…
VOL’JIN: Besides, mon, ya don’ have ta be worryin’ about Dezco an’ his people. He even has one a da orcs wit him.
EITRIGG: Who?
VOL’JIN: Kor Bloodtusk, I tink ’is name was.
MALKOROK: A weak-minded puppet, most likely, lured over to that tauren’s misguided way of thinking.
MOKVAR: I have to say, actually—
MALKOROK: <glares> What do you want, scribe?
Mokvar looks down.
Now then—
MOKVAR: <turning back to Malkorok> What I want? I want to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike.
Behind Malkorok, Vol’jin beams and high-fives the air in Mokvar’s direction.
Or were you looking for something a little less big-picture?
MALKOROK: <glaring> Count yourself lucky, scribe, that you’re in the Warchief’s good graces…
MOKVAR: Yeah, because you would never—
EITRIGG: Gentlemen.
GARROSH: Yeah, guys, enough. Cool your jets, both of you, we don’t have time for this crap.
MALKOROK: Of course, Warchief…
GARROSH: So, Vol’jin, now that everybody’s gotten all riled up over the tauren expedition, have we heard anything from them that would actually be USEFUL?
VOL’JIN: Da one ting I heard was dere be a lotta old ruins from an older race, dat ruled before da pandaren. I don’ know anyt’ing about ’em, but from da ruins it sounds like dey was everywhere.
EITRIGG: Hmm. Possibly worth assigning a team from the Reliquary to join the expedition to look into?
GARROSH: Yeah, maybe. This is a military operation, not an archaeology dig, but calling in some of the blood elves on this might help smooth things over with ol’ what’s-his-name. Captain Peroxide.
MOKVAR: How’s his eye doing, by the way?
GARROSH: Don’t ask.
MOKVAR: Ah.
GARROSH: Anyway… I think that covers everything for today, doesn’t it, Eitrigg?
EITRIGG: Yes, sir. I don’t think there was anything else on the agenda.
VOL’JIN: Good party as always, mon. Next one at my place!
MOKVAR: If we’re done here, I’m going to head over to the Valley of Honor. I need to catch up with Ji about a couple things.
GARROSH: Good, keep him out of trouble for a few hours.
MALKOROK: If you’ll excuse me then, Warchief, Rak’gor and I have a few arrangements to make ourselves.
VOL’JIN: Don’ forget ta pick up da cake dis time, mon.
Malkorok blinks at Vol’jin, then shakes his head as he leaves, grumbling, with Rak’gor and Gul’tar.
<chuckling to himself> Never gets old, mon, never gets old…
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Being a role model is a full-time job
This week, Malkorok has been busy implementing his trainee program for teenage recruits from Orgrimmar. He’s sending out notices to anyone age fourteen on up to seventeen – assuming they’re fit and able, and don’t have some other issues like, I don’t know, just off the top of my head here, outstanding community service hours cleaning the swine pens at Jaggedswine Farm after getting caught toilet papering Grommash Hold. I’m speaking hypothetically here, of course. The recruits will all be grouped by age and ability and assigned to small training units under the supervision of an accomplished veteran. From there, they’ll start preparing to eventually fight for the glory of the Horde.
And now, before everyone starts QQ’ing, because I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who aren’t orcs (and speaking of which, fuck you, Varian), let me explain this so I don’t have to listen to a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from across the internet.
First of all, we’re not stealing anyone away from their families, if that’s what you’re thinking. The trainees do their activities for the day and then they go home, just the same as if they were at school. Which they pretty much ARE. Which brings me to the next point.
We’re not just rounding up these kids and running them straight out onto a battlefield. Yes, that would be stupid. Do you seriously think I would do something stupid? This is TRAINING we’re talking about here. They’re learning about combat and self-defense and working as a unit, to get them READY for down the line when they’ll be needed for the war effort. Nobody is getting sent into actual battle until they’re ready. That’s the point – to GET them ready, not just to treat perfectly good future warriors as disposable cannon fodder. (That’s what Dontrag and Utvoch are for.)
And, hell, before you all get in a tizzy over “But, but, they’re just kids!” – listen. Orcs are not as long-lived a race as a lot of the others here on Azeroth. People don’t seem to get this. Cairne Bloodhoof was over 100 years old and still kicking ass, most recently mine, before, well, you know. You’re not going to see me up and about at 100. I’m probably not going to make it to 70. That’s freaking OLD for an orc. I know that might be hard to grasp for some of you – especially you elves, what with how you live for like hundreds of years. Which means you’re probably considered a kid until you hit like 100 years old. (And by the way, speaking of which: does that mean you elves are adolescents for like 50 years or something? Because seriously, all you non-elves, can you imagine that? Puberty lasting for 50 years? I seriously would have killed myself.)
Anyway, point being, fourteen and fifteen are not as young for us as a lot of you seem to think. Hell, I’m 34, and people keep referring to me as “young,” but by orc standards that pretty much makes me a middle-aged man.
Hang on.
…
Spirits help me, where the fuck did my life go?
Anyway.
Point is, everyone needs to just calm the fuck down and put their panties back on over this.
One thing related to the training program, though. I was going over Malkorok’s rosters and happened to notice a few recruits from the Orgrimmar orphanage – including, you guessed it, Gurtash. I know the kid’s got a lot of potential, but I also got to thinking it might be good to keep an eye on him, so I told Malkorok I would take charge of that trainee unit personally. Malkorok wasn’t too happy about that, but then, he’s Malkorok – since when is he ever happy about anything, AMIRITE? I think he felt like it was a job beneath the station of the Warchief, or whatever, but as it turns out, Gurtash was being placed un a high-aptitude group – no surprise there – so I spun it as me personally supervising the training of the best. And also, as I succinctly put it to Malkorok, I’m doing it because I’m the WARCHIEF and I SAID SO.
So, I’ve got a new gig a few times a week. And really, I already play a teacher on Earth Online – how hard could it be in real life? I have my first meeting with the kids later today, to start laying some groundwork for their training. Should be simple enough. The group’s going to consist of Gurtash and about a dozen other kids around his age. How hard could a bunch of fourteen year olds be?
ADDENDUM, later: Holy fucking hell, what have I done to myself?
