Monday mailbag

mailbag

Okay, looks like we’ve got some follow-up responses to some of the last few mailbags, so let’s have at it…

 

Yo Warchief,

I’ve just come back from a meeting with one of Blackfuse’s representatives. Operation Mercenary is a-go.

He says Blackfuse’s official headquarters are all the way back on Kezan, which ain’t that easy to get to what with the exploding volcano and all that jazz, but the man’s actual main workshop is a little outfit in a cave system deep underground in the Azshara area. Not very glamorous but no one would think to look for him there, so I undersand.

Before you ask, it seems he’s run up a gambling debt with Booty Bay in the last while, so he has to lay low for the forseeable future. Good news is, that means he’s desperate – if there was any chance of him not agreeing to work with you before, there ain’t now; he’ll take money wherever he can get it.

Blackfuse says he’ll let you into his workshop so you can see what he’s offering firsthand, but you’ll have to cover your tracks. The instructions were: come on down to Bilgewater Harbour, buy 2 Moonberry Juice and a Cured Ham Steak from the innkeeper, a cute little number called Mixi, and wait for the arrival of his representative, a shifty mage called Fizz Lighter or something, who’ll port you to the complex. I remember him from Kezan; seems he’s doing well for himself these days.

Personally I prefer to meet my customers face-to-face and do business in the open rather than make them sneak around and do a little dance before enacting the secret handshake first, but I’m not the multi-million gold genius tinker in debt to the wrong people so easy for me to say I guess. Anyway, that’s what he said, Warchief, so it’s all up to you now.

One last thing: as an apology for knocking you into next tuesday with my first letter, take this little book I “purchased” from a Zandalari Troll while trolling for goods. (eheheh) It’s an Ancient Tome of Dinomancy, and I think your Kor’kron beastmasters will like it; it explains how the Zandas capture and tame direhorns (they’re dinosaurs with four legs and big-ass horns on their heads) seeing as how that’s one of the few things I threw your way that stuck. Come on out to Pandaria and see what I mean – there’s this island the Zandas call the Isle of Giants crawling with them. In particular, there’s this really stubborn and bloodthirsty devilsaur called Thok that I think you’d really like.

–Grottee Metalbeard, Goblin Shaman

P.S. Just walked past this shaman in real black clothing on the way to the postbox. You took those dark shammies up on thier offer, didn’t you Warchief? We’re all screwed…

Hey again, Grottee. Nice to see you’ve been working on your, um, editorial sensibilities. You know, the ones that help you trim out those extra thousand words or so. Anyhow.

On the one hand, good work lining things up, sort of, with that Blackfuse guy. On the other hand, fucking hell, SERIOUSLY? I need to go to the inn, and place the secret code order, and… Well, wait, hang on. Two moonberry juices and a cured ham steak? That’s the order that signals the mage lackey guy? I mean, not for anything, but that doesn’t sound like a very outlandish or unusual order. Wouldn’t the innkeeper get a lot of people buying ham steak and moonberry juice in a typical week, just by the law of averages? Cured ham steak IS some damn good eatin’, after all, and what better way to wash it down than with a nice, cold moonberry juice?

(The Warchief’s Command Board is sponsored in part by Rocktusk Pork Products and Dream of Elune Moonberry Bottlers.)

elune_ad

What?

Hey. Look. A teenage daughter is fucking expensive, okay? Don’t judge me.

ANYWAY. The point is, you would have to figure random people at the inn are going to be placing that order all the time. So, what, is Blackfuse’s mage dude getting a false alarm thrown at him every couple days? Or does he just port these people to Blackfuse’s place straight away, without even checking with them? Because I don’t know if inducing spatial-displacement freakouts from random strangers would necessarily be great for business. Or…maybe it is? Like if he sells them some doohicky to teleport BACK once they’re already there. You know, kind of like that idea I had to put up a toll booth on the way in to Silithus, and charge people 50 copper to get in and 100 gold to get out. Personally, I think it would have done wonders for the budget, but oh no, Eitrigg had to get a bug up his ass over it. I don’t know, though… another shopping trip for Shayari and I might have to revisit this one.

So, anyway, okay, I guess I’m going to have to plan a trip to Azshara now. Like I don’t already have enough to do.

 

Dear Warchief,

Thank you ever so much for your approval, I just know Lyssa and I will be so happy together. *dances around squeeing*

I know that one day I’ll be able to show her how your leadership of the Horde is bringing new opportunities for peace, harmony, and prosperity for all of us residents of Azeroth. (Even the humans, once they get rid of that simpering idiot Varian. Did you know that the Kaldorei are matriarchal, and that they don’t really have any more respect for him than you do? Apparently Tyrande calls him “High King”, but to the Kaldorei, that actually means something like “Omega Bitch”?)

–Sintra E’Drien

I… hang on.

So you mean you’re… I don’t remember giving any… Doesn’t ANYBOY even…

Oh fuck it. It’s not even worth the trouble. Have at it. What do I care?

Lucky for you your little night elf she got me in a good mood with the thing about Varian. I always sorta figured that “High King” crap was because you have to toke up on the ol’ felweed to stand being around him for more than five minutes, but… Omega Bitch? Heh. Heheheh. HahahahaHAHAHAHAHAAA! <snort> BWAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hah.

Heh.

It’s funny because it’s true.

 

’Ey Warchief,

I be a long-time readah of da blog, an’ I gotta ask ya dis, mon. What d’ya t’ink of da light show da dragons put on? Ya know, a bit of felweed makes da whole t’ing bettah?

–Zuri, Zandalari priestess of Hir’eek

PS : When ya gonna have me back for dem special dances, mon? I know ya be enjoyin’ dem.

Thanks for writing, Zuri, I— HOLD THE PRESSES. You’re a freaking ZANDALARI?! I mean I know you’ve been around Orgrimmar (and IXNAY ON THE APDANCESLAY, for fuck’s sake – I’ve got enough griefers around here as it is), but I figured you were just another Darkspear, or I guess maybe a Revantusk or Shatterspear (Yes, I had to look those up. Shut up.), but a ZANDALARI? How the hell did THAT happen? And never mind how you even wound up in Orgrimmar in the first place – how do you even have TIME to roll around Orgrimmar? As a Zandalari, don’t you already have your day filled up with, you know, being evil, and turning up inexplicably in random lairs every few months just when they become briefly relevant, and riding dinosaurs and shit?

And HEY, STOP THE PRESSES PART II – DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING DINOSAUR?! Can I get one?! You think you can hook me up? Is there even a place where you go to get them? I mean, yeah, I’ve heard, Pandaria, Isle of Giants, blah blah, but have YOU got a place for them, too? Because that could SERIOUSLY cut down on some importing costs if so, depending on what Nazgrim’s scouts have to say for themselves.

So what were you talking about? Oh yeah. Light show.

For anybody who’s confused, I think Zuri’s talking about this whole deal that the blue dragonflight does every so often in Orgrimmar where they roll into town and just sort of… hover around being sparkly for a while, whenever some random chump does some big favor for them or whatever. Matter of fact, Kalecgos himself used to run the show personally, back when they first started. Looks like he’s delegating now, since he hasn’t turned up since the whole Theramore business, which is probably just as well seeing as how, you know, awkward. Or the other dragons are still turning up on their own out of habit. Who knows.

Anyway, I’m not even sure what the whole to-do with the blue dragons even IS, but yeah, Zuri, shit’s trippy as hell. Give it a look next time you’re in town if you catch them at it, people. Puff, puff, pass, sit back and enjoy. Beats the fuck out of watching your hand move, let me tell you.

 

Dear Warchief,

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BRING STARBULL’S TO ORGRIMMAR?! We need kafa! Hot kafa! Everyday! I mean, yes, it’s dry and hot as hell out here, but I NEED THE KAFA! Um, WE ALL need the kafa!

It’s good for you! It tastes good and can make all kinds of special flavors. Moka Lava, chucklelate, sin-AYmon troll, express-OH whoa (massive haste boost with this one), and even snickers.

Did I mention it gives a haste buff too?

For the Kafa!

–Ruekie, Shaman in training
Kafa lover

So okay, Rook, it’s not that it isn’t nice to hear from you, but I have to ask: why are you always writing me letters with these questions? You see me in person, like, ALL THE TIME. You don’t need to go write a letter. You can just turn your head slightly to the left and be like, “Hey, boss, check this out.”

Setting that aside. You know, Rook, you might be on to something. I hear tell those Starbulls joints are all over the place in Mulgore these days, so I guess they must be doing something right. And I’ve gotta say – granted, it’s been a while since I’ve been out to Thunder Bluff, but last time I WAS there, I tried some of that Starbulls stuff. Not gonna lie, that kafa of theirs is pretty damn tasty. I’d especially recommend the vanilla/dark mocha tuxedo iced latte. You’ll thank me later.

(The Warchief’s Command Board is sponsored in part by Starbulls Kafa.)

starbulls_ad

Yeah, what of it?

Don’t look at me like that.

LISTEN, DOELING GOT EXPENSIVE TASTES, OKAY?!

Fucking hell, you people.

Anyway, yeah, I might have to look into getting a Starbulls over here. I know there’s already a kafa place over in the goblin part of town, but the one time Spazzle took me, the kafa tasted like sludge. Actually, I’m not at all sure the stuff WASN’T sludge.

Also, come to think of it… A ready supply of kafa might possibly be handy to have around the next time Tirion shows up looking for Eitrigg. You think that haste buff might make him get to the point faster?

 

That’s going to do it for this time around. As always, keep those letters coming. More soon.

 

[The Warchief’s next mailbag will be Monday, August 3. As always, send e-mail to garrosh1337@gmail.com or use the handy form below!]

[Revision! Due to a reality-necessitated blogging break, the next mailbag is being postponed from August 3 to September 7. By all means keep those e-mails and form submissions coming, though!]

The cost of doing business
Summer Sabbatical
 

13 Responses to Monday mailbag

  1. Ritaba says:

    … So, the Darkspear have had one of the WORLD’S biggest enemies besides them, without telling anyone. As if that’s somehow not noteworthy. They could be using their weird troll magic, or those spirits that seem to be able to give them power anywhere in the world, (and can create craters bigger than most towns) to communicate with the army!

     
    • Zuri says:

      ‘ey now, mon. I ain’t be seein’ my bruddah an’ sistah Zandalari since dey be clearin’ outta Yojamba Isle an’ inta Zul’Gurub a few years back. I don’ be likin’ what dat “Prophet” Zul be tellin’ our people. “Band togetha, bruddahs an’ sistahs, for we be takin’ back what be ours?” I be bettah off tryin’ out some of ol’ Saree’s mojo on me raptor dan be followin’ dat load of Devilsaur droppin’s! Dere be a reason I ain’t be tellin’ people I be Zandalari, ya know.

      Also, I be ridin’ raptors an’ bats, Warchief. I don’ know why de rest of me tribe be on da dinosaur kick lately. An’ I got ya booked for Wednesday at four if ya be up ta it, still.

       
      • Ritaba says:

        Raptors ARE dinosaurs. Just small ones.

        And considering how popular the guy is, how the hell are we supposed to believe you aren’t on his side? Since garrosh didn’t know, I’m REALLY suspicious of any officials that brought you into the Horde. Hell, the whole darkspear tribe too. Pray the warchief feels differently.

         
      • ((@Ritaba — Just for the record, odds are that Zuri’s Zandalari revelation won’t end up being an actual Thing.* Even though I do sometimes let mailbag letters initiate or advance genuine storylines, I don’t want to commit myself to *every* letter being a plot point. Sometimes I just want to be able to riff on an idea and be goofy, especially in these mailbags. By all means keep responding — in comments or letters of your own — but remember that not everything in a mailbag is me hanging a gun on the wall.*

        * Unless I get an idea. Will I? WHO’S TO SAY? I need to keep you all on your toes *somehow*!))

         
      • Ritaba says:

        ((@Garrosh yeah, it’s less me expecting a direct acknowledgement, and more just this fitting my character as the rebellion draws closer. It’s just meant to be showing how I’d expect most orcs to react at this point in time.))

         
  2. A Concerned Citizen says:

    ((Hoo BOY, you ain’t lyin’ about teenage daughters. I can sing most of the verses to THAT tune. For all I know, teenage sons aren’t any cheaper, but I don’t have any of those.))

    ((Speaking of kafa, that knocked loose a memory from my mis-spent youth as a GTA. Anyone remember Surge? I had to give it up when I realized, shortly after midterms, that I was rapidly running out of textbook from which to lecture. Haste buff? Oh HELL yeah.))

     
  3. repgrind says:

    Tirion on kafa? You could probably sell tickets to that and fund some more of Shay’s shopping.

     
  4. Alayea says:

    “Also, come to think of it… A ready supply of kafa might possibly be handy to have around the next time Tirion shows up looking for Eitrigg. You think that haste buff might make him get to the point faster?”

    Dat be assumin’ two tings, mon. One, dat Tirion actually has a point to get to — especially if he hang ’round with Utvoch and Dontrag, de Loa help us all. Two, dat there be no possibility it’ll give Tirion more time to kill, which could have same result as not having given him kafa in de first place.

    I wonder, though, what’d happen if we snuck some felweed into dat kafa drink. He’d be just as long-winded, but mebbe it’d be more entertaining…?

     
  5. khizzara says:

    I pity the poor scribe that has to take down Tirion’s kafa-fueled ramblings, I really do.

     
  6. Ha ha, nice! Glad I could help, Warchief! I’ll be happy to help out if you need help keeping Blackfuse in his place. Trust me, I have a way of making smug-faced goblin bighots toe the line (*cough* Gallywix *COUGH*).

    Although I see you kept the Dark Shammies around. Oh, the elements are not gonna be happy about this.

     

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