Tag Archives: garona
Monday mailbag
So, since Gurtash has been taking his damn time with the next set of doodles of what went down at Tian Monastery, I figured I’d take advantage of this break in the action to check on the mail. Let’s see what you peeps have for me this time…
After perusing some of your past mailbags, I’ve decided to go ahead and ask the question that I’m sure many people are wondering but no one seems willing to ask.
You do realize that Bob is really Vol’jin, right?
–Tandeleina, Silvermoon City
Okay, so, on the plus side: Thanks for writing, Tandeleina.
On the minus side: What are you, a frigging idiot?
First of all, okay, I know that that Bob jackass is always writing from the Echo Isles, and the Echo Isles are troll territory, but that doesn’t mean he’s Vol’jin. I mean, come on, sure the trolls are all weak and scrawny and stupid and lazy and pretty much useless, but you can’t assume because someone’s a troll that he must be Vol’jin. That’s just fucking racist.
Number two, even if the Echo Isles thing was enough to send up a red flag, a few weeks ago I got a letter from Bob, AFTER Vol’jin had been killed in the line of duty in Pandaria. So that should settle that.
But let’s say you’re really stubborn and paranoid, like those damn “the Cataclysm was an inside job” conspiracy people, and you’re still not convinced. Check this out. All of these letters I get for the mailbag are either hand-delivered standard-mail letters, or, mostly, e-mails. With the exception of his very first letter, all of Bob’s messages have been e-mails. Now, when I copy these letters, I don’t usually give out people’s e-mail addresses, because I figure most of my readers get enough creepy porn spam as it is (have you SEEN some of my Google hits?). But I see the addresses. You know what Bob’s is? Check this out: definitelynotvoljin@gmail.com.
So yeah. I bet you’re feeling pretty stupid now, aren’t you?
Regarding our esteemed Regent-Lord … well, some of us DID offer you the opportunity to replace him.
— A Concerned Citizen
Yeah, yeah, fine, ACC. Enough with the I-told-you-so’s. How was I supposed to know Regent-Lord Hair-Care was going to turn into this much of a willowy hemorrhoid? For like two years I didn’t even know he was there. Hell, I STILL can’t remember his actual fucking name half the time. Why do you think I give him so many nicknames? I mean, other than it being damn entertaining seeing what shade of purple he turns right before he throws a hissy fit over it.
Oh, speaking of which, after I wrote about ol’ Eyepatch a few days ago, his latest thing has been bitching and crying about the crack I made about…well…his eyepatch. I make one little joke about his loss of an eye and apparently it’s a big fucking deal, because (a) I may or may not have been the one who put his eye out while I was slapping him around a little while back (without the “may not” part), and (b) at the time I kept him around basically to tell him to STFU already rather than letting him run to a shaman to maybe get the eye patched up (OOPS I’M SO INSENSITIVE) fixed while they had the chance. I mean I’m pretty sure he was going to end up blinded in that eye anyway, but…I don’t know. Maybe they could have done something to make it less gross? Beats me. So yeah, fine, whatever, I didn’t save the eye that couldn’t see. My bad. Suck it up, Cyclops.
I hope you are doing well. Things have been a bit dull in Orgrimmar with you off claiming Pandaria for the glory of the Horde. I’ve taken up Earth Online to fill the time in the day when I normally would hang around outside Grommash Hold hoping for a glimpse of you. I even adopted a little white dog as my pet, although he’s something called a Bichon Frise, not a terrier like your Sawyer. His name is Sherpa.
What server are you on? Maybe I could come visit, or even join your guild? I bet Sawyer and Sherpa would have a good time playing together.
So would we.
Yours,
–Wega
You know what? I’ll be honest with you – I’m really torn here. I mean, on the one hand, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got enough crazy stalkerish women in my life without giving another one an invitation to come hang out in my guild. Also Wega’s not winning any bonus points for the whole “hanging around outside Grommash Hold watching for you” thing, because for real, people, is it just me or is anyone else picturing her writing this letter in a candlelit room that has a zillion pictures of me tacked up all over the walls? Because SHE WON’T BE IGNORED, GARROSH.
On the other hand, in a really weird, sick kind of way, I can’t help but feel like we could be looking at a real /popcorn situation if I were to toss Wega into the same guild chat with Garona. Dunno. I may have to think about this a little.
Anyhow, cute dog there, Wega. I’ll get back to you. In the meantime, please stop camping Grommash Hold. I’m not there now anyway, and I have it on good authority that you’re creeping Eitrigg the fuck out.
Recently, I had the opportunity to try Earth Online. I was intrigued by this amazing other world and the array of stories to follow. The toon I created is a cook for an American restaurant that I’m working to a world-class chef. However, trying to pass Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen dungeon has been a real pain in the…but I digress.
I discover in the game, Earth Online, what they call a movie theatre. When I clicked on it and paid the money they required, a wonderous cut scene occurred called The Avengers. It was amazing moment of entertainment about this colorful heroes saving Earth from an alien invasion.
Have you seen it? If not, you may want to.
There was one large hero that reminded me of you. One called Hulk. He is really big, angry, and likes to smash things.
Again, I digress.
The reason for my letter is to ask a simple question. If a movie were made of you, which Earth Online actor would you want to portray you?
Sincerely,
–Quelita, Tarren Mill
Thanks for writing, Quelita. I’ve talked about this before, but yeah, it really is impressive how much work they put into the game world, what with the cinematics and the readable in-game books and so on. It’s actually kind of scary how much time you can lose just checking that stuff out.
Before I get to your question, I’ve got to address one other thing you mentioned – the Hulk. Now, I haven’t seen The Avengers, and I’m not planning to, PRECISELY because of that character. Usually the people over at Genesis Entertainment do a real bang-up job putting together these cut scenes, but I seriously don’t know WHAT the fuck they were thinking putting in that Hulk character.
I mean, think about it. Here’s this guy who flies into a rage – or, a BLOOD HAZE, IF YOU WILL – and gets bigger, and stronger, and turns all crazy and aggressive and destructive, and HE TURNS GREEN.
Um. SERIOUSLY?
RACIST much? The FUCK, Genesis?
Okay, so that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Now for your question – which, I’ve got to say, is a pretty good question. I hadn’t really given much thought to who I would cast in a movie about me, not least of all because, let’s face it, nobody’s going to bring enough awesome to the table to do me justice, so I should probably just play myself, only we’re talking about an Earth Online cinematic, not real life, so I couldn’t actually do that, so there goes that idea. Fuck.
So okay, let’s break this down.
Obviously you’d want someone who would be physically believable as me – so we’re looking at somebody with a strong physique, who you could buy as a powerful, badass fighter. Bonus points if he can carry off the bald look. A track record as an ass-kicking hero type would be pretty important too.
Hmm. Okay, so this guy wouldn’t be TERRIBLE, but…I don’t know. I mean, fine, he was plenty strong when he was playing the Thing, but his build really isn’t so much powerful as it’s…just kind of big and lumpy. Plus, I’m not crazy about the language skills – maybe it was just the script he was stuck with, but honestly, I just don’t see EPIC VERSE coming from this guy.
Oh and speaking of the script? Both those Fantastic Four cinematics he was in pretty much sucked. Moving on.
Okay, this is a little better. Maybe not blowing you away with the big, powerful build, but he’s definitely got the action-hero street cred, and he can rock the bald thing in no uncertain terms. So that’s the up side.
Down side… Well, first of all, as much as he has the badass track record, dude is just old at this point. He’s supposed to be, what, 60 at this point? All the credit in the world for the stuff he’s been in up till now, but come on, nobody’s going to buy a 60-year-old as a don’t-fuck-with-me badass. (DO NOT TELL SAURFANG I SAID THAT.)
Still, I could maybe turn a blind eye (LOR’THE’MOTHERFUCKER APOLOGISTS: DRINK) to the age thing, but this guy has another strike against him: by and large, he tends to go the softspoken route with his characters. Sort of the strong but understated type. Which is fine, it totally works when he does it, but I don’t know if he can flip from that to go larger than life. You know, LIVING IN CAPTIAL LETTERS. I’d be a lot more comfortable with somebody I knew could really project and command the room and put some authority in his voice. Bonus points if he’s not afraid throw some strong language into the mix while he’s at it.
Okay, NOW we’re getting somewhere. Long track record as a no-fucking-around badass? Check. Looks good with no hair? Check. Volume dial on his voice goes to eleven? Check. “Fuck” is like “good morning” to him? Double and triple check. Believable laying down some epic badass dialogue? YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS CHECK. Experience with an awesomely kickass melee weapon? Check.
Granted he might be a little up there in years too, but whatever, I’m not going to get too hung up on that if everything else is lining up.
Okay, hang on, I already told you about the Saurfang thing. Hmm. You know, I’m starting to think this guy might have a little TOO much attitude. I’m not going to take any sassing from someone pretending to be me. Dude’s gotta remember who’s the original and who’s the economy pack here.
Okay, so let’s refine this to the really key components. Strong, powerful, don’t-fuck-with-me badass. Track record doing action. Commanding voice and a willingness to turn up the volume. Able to throw some words together and maybe even lay down a rhyme. Can carry off non-standard hair. And hey, while we’re at it, since he’ll have to wear Mannoroth’s tusks and some earrings like I do, it’d be good to know this is someone who can lug around some ornamentation and make it look cool.
Oh HELL yeah. Sold. Done. Check please. The end.
That’s going to do it for this time, but as always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com. It’s great to hear from you guys, and answering your questions is always good times, so don’t just sit there like an asshole, write in to your Warchief now. I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOESN’T.
More soon.
Desperate Times
Neeru Fireblade may very well have been right about the Council of the Black Harvest not being willing to talk to me, but for now that’s going to need to be a “cross that bridge when I come to it” concern. For now, the much bigger problem is going to be finding them. My best in is probably going to be Ritssyn, given his Orgrimmar ties, but he’s still far from a sure thing, and even that’s assuming I can track him down. He was supposedly on his way to the Firelands, but that’s not exactly a place to go take a casual stroll alone without really knowing what you’re getting into, especially if you’re like me and your command of the elements leaves a lot to be desired in the first place.
So, I’m going to need to take the indirect approach to this. I have Ji out helping me with part of it; this morning he left to do some investigating for me in Desolace. Meanwhile, I just came from a private meeting with Eitrigg. At least I think it was private. I didn’t notice any stealthy whooshy sounds while I was there, but who knows?
I gathered from Eitrigg that Garrosh isn’t exactly thrilled with what he’s been hearing about me – no shock there – but he hasn’t sent along any specific orders where I’m concerned yet. Considering that he’s known me for several years now, Eitrigg’s willing to give me the benefit of the doubt for the time being, although even he expressed concern about whether I’m sure I know what I’m doing. The truth of the matter is, the last thing in the world that I am right now is sure, but circumstances aren’t affording me a luxury of options.
Still, without showing too much of my hand, I managed to persuade him to let me borrow one of the sets of diplomatic tabards and banners that we issues to the emissaries we send various places. While I have those colors displayed – and remain visibly unarmed – I’ll be allowed free passage into nearly any territory, including within Alliance borders.
I’m about to take a trip to Ironforge.
Right now, I can’t really go into more detail than that. Ultimately, if things work out the way I hope they will, you’ll understand why. Still, I know I’m taking a considerable risk here, but it’s a necessary one. If I don’t have this all resolved and accounted for by the time Garrosh gets back from Pandaria, he’s more likely to have my head on a platter than anything else; and if these spectral assassins keep coming after me, I’m just as dead. Even with Garona watching over me – which I’m sure she won’t keep doing forever – it’s just a matter of time before the assassins start coming often enough and in great enough numbers that they’ll finish me off before anyone can do anything about it.
I’ll be leaving soon to meet Deliana in Ratchet, and from there on to the Eastern Kingdoms. It’s probably going to be a few days at the very least before I have the chance up write anything here. If you have any extra fingers, cross them.
Mokvar
Moving on to Plan B
This package arrived for me a few days ago through Grommash Hold – I guess as a guest blogger these days I’m in the mailbag business myself.
This package is addressed to:
Mokvar
c/o Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief
Grommash Hold, Orgrimmar
Kalimdor, Azeroth
It arrives looking quite a bit the worse for wear. Its sides are battered and one corner has been entirely crushed in. The brown paper wrapping has been dirtied and torn but the numerous postmarks stamped on it are still legible. Although it seems to have originated in Orgrimmar it appears to have been mysteriously routed through Ratchet, Booty Bay, Grom’gol Base Camp, Brill and finally back to Orgrimmar.
Inside the box is a large variety of random items in various states of disrepair: A partial stack of 14 Ankhs; a rabbit’s foot with several patches of fur missing; a small glass vial labeled “MOJO” in carefully penned block letters; a rather larger glass bottle labeled “TROLL SWEAT” in the same handwriting; a well-loved toy teddy bear; partial stacks of mageweave, frostweave and windwool bandages; 3 minor health potions and a large bag of crumbs which might be the remains of several dozen chocolate cookies.
At the very bottom of the box is a scrap of parchment which reads:
Mokvar,
How you doin’, mon? I hear you been injured somewhat and even killed! Good t’ing it didn’t take dis time. We shaman gotta stick together, so here are some t’ings to help you feel better soon.
Take care and watch yer back, mon.
–Kaeliss, Valley of the Spirits, Orgrimmar
Thanks, Kaeliss. I appreciate the gesture. Somehow I get the feeling that I might need all that stuff in the days ahead. (Although, what’s up with the troll sweat? I’ve never really understood why you guys bottle that stuff.)
So, speaking of which…and speaking of the mail… There’s good news and there’s bad news.
The good news is that since I, you know, read this blog, I know now that Garrosh has had Garona shadowing me and knows I’ve been meeting with Deliana. (At least he meant well, I suppose.)
The bad news is that Garrosh knows I’ve been meeting with Deliana. And that I’ve been up to something in Winterspring. And apparently sneaking around. And spirits only know how many dots he’s been connecting in his head based on what Garona told him.
So…there goes my plan to bring this whole story to Garrosh.
I suppose I still could. Even considering that he’s suspicious now, predisposed to assume the worst, and probably irritable even by Garrosh standards, I suppose I could still try to go to him with this. I could lay out the whole story, and explain why I’ve been keeping these things hidden, and why I’ve been working with a human whose last mailing address was in Ironforge. And I could detail all of this to Garrosh and hope he’ll listen with an open mind and be reasonable and even-handed in his response.
So, yeah, see? There goes my plan to bring this whole story to Garrosh.
At least not yet. At this point, sooner or later I’m going to have to answer to Garrosh, and when I do, the only chance I’m going to have is if have some definite, final answers to all of this – as in, problem solved, spectral assassins dealt with, Deliana long gone from Horde territory, all loose ends tied up. I can’t leave any room for any kind of “What about X?” “Yeah, uh, still working on that” to happen.
And I have to do all this before Garrosh gets back from Pandaria.
And I also have to do this while I know I’m being watched. Can I mention how unnerving that is, by the way?
(Hi, Garona, if you happen to be stealthed in the room right now and looking over my shoulder while I’m typing this.)
(Also, please look away for a minute while I close a few browser tabs. Thanks.)
Mokvar
[Header image (and reader mail!) provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Monday mailbag
I arrived a couple days ago here at the Sanctum of Two Moons, and I’ve been getting settled in and learning the lay of the land since then. While we have a little break in the action, I figured this might be a good time to dip into the ol’ mailbag…
To Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde:
Call off the search patrols! I’m ok!
I know everyone must have been sick with worry the last few months since my sudden disappearance, (my colleagues up in Northrend must have been particularly disturbed by my absence); however, I can reassure you all that I am finally safe and sound.
Where have I been, you might ask? Ah, friend, that is a tale indeed! A tale of wonder and adventure! I was swimming with the Orca folk in the northern oceans and discovered a new shape-shifting technique that permitted me to assume the very form of a noble whale person myself. Wearing my new visage, I was able to communicate with them in their own language — a very melodious tongue with beautiful but complex rules of grammar — and became assimilated into their culture.
Engrossed in my cetacean studies, I lost track of time and eventually track of my own self. I forgot my previous life as a Night Elf and the thought of living on land became as alien to me as the thought of drinking fire would be to any but a fire elemental. I lived as a whale; I laughed as a whale; I loved as a whale; and finally I migrated south with the rest of my pod.
O! What a journey that was! The tales I could tell of the fantastical denizens of the deep! But alas! I have not the space here to elaborate further. (Look for my upcoming book on my experiences, working title: “Darling it’s Better Down Where it’s Wetter”.)
But all good things must come to an end. There was an enormous storm, the violence of which penetrated even the depths of the sea. I was separated from my pod and flung about at the mercy of the waves. At last I was washed up on dry land and lay helplessly beached, drying out in the sun. I looked death in the eye that day and all hope left me. At last I fell unconscious and lay senseless on the shore.
When I came to I was surrounded by curious creatures. They looked like some sort of Furbolg, but were covered with black and white fur from head to toe and called themselves “Pandaren”. They clothed me and helped me to my feet, at which point I realized that I was a Night Elf again. All my memories came flooding back. I was my full self once more.
I spent a few days in the care of these kind Pandaren. They told me many fascinating stories about this previously unknown land and informed me that many other peoples from both the Horde and the Alliance had recently arrived and made contact with them. And so I am writing you this missive to allay your fears about my welfare.
Also, could you please lend me a small amount of gold and arrange transportation for me back to Northrend? I seem to have misplaced all my possessions. Thanks.
–Arch Druid Lathorius, D.E.H.T.A.
Huh. Okay, so…I’m going to set aside the fact that Lather-on-us here seems to think he and I are buddies or something, because hey, as long as he thinks I can stand the sight of him, maybe that helps tone down the whining and complaining and protesting every time I try to eat a ham on rye.
So setting that aside… Dude, you were missing? Was I supposed to notice that shit?
Actually, come to think of it, you WERE all AWOL that time I went to check in with your DEHTA flunkies, weren’t you? But man, that was AGES ago – were you seriously out mucking around with the fishes all that time?
Still, funny that you would wind up landing in the same place that everyone else has been converging on lately. Especially since it’s the same place that was hidden and cloaked in mists and totally unreachable and inaccessible to anyone for every and ever for like thousands of years until everybody and their uncle started winding up there like a month ago. I would say it’s what all the cool kids are doing, but, you know, that doesn’t really help explain YOU being here. Or Varian. Or…well, pretty much anyone other than me. But whatever. OH HEY, actually, you know one other cool kid who HAS turned up here in Pandaria? Hemet Nesingwary! You know him, right? Small world.
As for the gold… Yeah, um, I think you’re gonna need to scrape together cab fare for yourself. I gave at the office. Maybe see if you can do some busywork for the Anglers in exchange for a little pocket change?
I’m guessing your blog has been lagging behind while you venture into Pandaria. I recently encountered you in the Shrine of Two Moons during your visit. Unfortunately, I was under the influence of a Blingtron 4000, and looked like a human instead of a proud Horde member. See the attached photos for how poorly this went for me.
Enjoy the rest of your trip!
–WookieeBH
Yeesh, dude, what’s up with the “lagging behind” shit, I only just got here a couple days ago. I do remember you, though, Wookiee – among the many random asshats who swung by to make my day more tedious, you and your little getup were especially asshattery. Although I did kind of get a chuckle out of it when your dog or hyena or whatever took a dump on Malkorok’s boots. Dude gets so grumpy about things. Heh.
Anyway, as you can see from the pictures, I’ve been hanging out at the Sanctum of Two Moons for the past couple days, which let me tell you is a pretty boss place. Unfortunately, I only had a couple hours to enjoy it before I was joined by – as you can also see from the pictures – our old friend Regent-Lord Hair-Care. Whose mood, by the way, hasn’t improved much lately. Only, get this – in light of some of the slapping-around I’ve had to give him lately, now he feels the need to bring company everywhere he goes:
This would be Ellendra Palescorn…his bodyguard.
Yes, his bodyguard.
I swear, only among the blood elves would it go over as a plan to be like, “You know, I really need someone to help keep my scrawny, twiggy ass safe”…and then hire someone scrawnier and twiggier.
Thank goodness they’re good at magic, is all I’m gonna say.
I still can’t believe Vol’jin be dead, mon! But I betcha he always gonna he wit us in spirit. I can practically feel his spirit wit me now, mon – it’s almost like he be right here writin’ dis letter wit me!
I know ya got ya Kor’kron people down here in de Echo Isles ta keep us safe, mon, but I don’ be likin’ dis Gul’tar guy dey got in charge. I’m tellin’ ya, sometin’ bad gonna happen wit day guy! If ya be askin’ me, I tink ya betta keep a close eye on what he goin’ on down here. Wouldn’t want sometin’ slippin’ between da cracks, ya know, mon?
–Bob, Echo Isles
Oh, great, this guy again. And so of course, just as soon as I get ONE grumbling troll out of my hair, ANOTHER one pops up to take his place. Almost like Vol’jin isn’t gone at all, indeed.
Actually, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before, so just in case you’ve been living under a rock the last couple weeks…you remember that mission I’d sent Vol’jin on when he first got to Pandaria? Yeah. Didn’t go so well for him. Boo hoo. Moving on.
So anyway, Bobbo, sorry if you don’t like the cut of Gul’tar’s jib, whatever a jib is, but you know what? I’m not going to waste my time trying to micromanage every move my people make down there. If Gul’tar needs anything, I’m pretty certain he’ll let me know, and if anything important is going on there, I’m damn sure they’ll send word to me about it. So until I hear something from them, I’ll be keeping my nose out of the goings-on down in the Echo Isles, which is a good thing what with the smell down there because WTF are you trolls burning all the time anyway?
(the parchment appears to have been chewed on a bit on one corner and has a few smears of dark mud at the bottom)
Hail Warchief!
I am writing to you to apply for the position of scribe. I have been taught in the very best tents of Thunder Bluff. I am a tauren, albeit a bit small, and that wet dog smell is a condition I have. Some say I appear to be wearing a badly made tauren suit, but that’s hurtful because I got these stitches in service to the Horde! I wish to put my skills to use serving my Warchief! I feel that I would be best suited for this position given my extensive linguistic skills and utter loyalty. After all, you can’t be too careful these days. There could be Alliance spies anywhere. As a professional tracker I could help with this also. Afterall, it’d be ashamed if anything….happened. I hope my Warchief finds me worthy of being right by his side.
–Legit Tauren Scribe
Hey, LTS, thanks for writing in. I’m glad people are still showing interest in the scribe position after that…erm…mixed-results audition thing. Right now I think I’m going to see how things work out with Gurtash covering the scribing, in his own doodly sort of way, but I’ll definitely keep you in line. It wouldn’t hurt at all to have a couple competent backup options, in case the kid gets too busy with other assignments or what-have-you. That said, with any luck it won’t be too long before Mokvar’s back on the job, assuming we can get his weird-ass marked-for-death situation under wraps sometime soon.
Reporting in re: your special assignment. As per your request, have been maintaining stealthed surveillance on Mokvar in order to provide additional protection in light of recent attacks.
Have come across unexpected complications.
While in Winterspring with his panda friend, Mokvar was seen meeting with an unidentified human woman. The two seemed very familiar; shortly thereafter embarked together on journey to Darkwhisper Gorge. Seen scouring cave formerly occupied by now-deceased imp. Appeared to be searching for something; overheard references to relic of some kind, demonic power, domination of wills.
Will continue to monitor Mokvar’s activities and continue protection against attackers until further instructions received.
–Garona Halforcen, Everlook
The…FUCK?
So hang on, I worry about Mokvar’s safety to the point that I assign one of the best rogues in the business to follow his ass around and look out for him while I’m away…and THIS is what I get for it? Meeting up with some HUMAN? Sneaking around trying to do spirits know WHAT?
Yeah, this…this is NOT going to be good for my mood, let me tell you that right now.
In fact, I think on that note it’s time for me to step away from the computer for a few. And possibly go smack someone or something around for a little while.
More soon.
Guest Post: Furtive Father Winter
[Special guest post today, as part of Blog Azeroth’s Furtive Father Winter gift exchange. Today’s post was provided by Akabeko of Red Cow Rise — many thanks! I’ll be back with a final note from Mokvar after Akabeko’s gem. So now, without further ado…]
———
(On the Feast of Winter Veil, a grunt brings a brightly-wrapped box to the Warchief’s quarters. Inside are several letters, cards, and small gifts. A simple note is left on top of the whole festive affair.)
“Hey, Warchief. Do not open until Winter Veil! I rounded up all the gifts that arrived for you and put them together for easy transport on your trip. Happy Holidays. –Mokvar.”
On the back of the note, a card for one-month’s worth of Earth Online game time has been attached, with a note saying, “For when you find a stable wifi connection in Pandaria!”
The first card is printed on very thick, expensive paper and depicts the ruins of Lordaeron blanketed in snow. Somehow, this makes them look even bleaker and more terrifying, rather than peaceful. Inside, the card reads, “A very merry Feast of Winter Veil to my favorite Warchief. I wish you success in your siege of Pandaria and a Happy New Year.” It’s signed with an elaborate, flowing, nearly illegible “Sylvanas Windrunner.” The small package is wrapped in black paper and contains a miniature model of a plague thrower.
The next card is written in strong letters. The outside shows Greatfather Winter astride a comically large horse. Inside, it is in Common rather than Orcish. “Warchief Hellscream, I wish you an illustrious Winter Veil and a bright New Year. May fortune favor you in whichever endeavors you choose to undertake. May you be showered with the brightest of blessings and-“ (here, the handwriting appears to have been cut off, and finishes reluctantly) “-happy holidays from Tirion Fordring.” Below this, a different hand has written “and Eitrigg.”
Next is a postcard. One side has a standard greeting: “Happy Holidays!” in gold script. The back says, “…from Anger Management!” It has been signed by those who have attended sessions with the Warchief. Mylune has drawn tiny pawprints around her name.
On the next envelope, Mokvar has added a sticky note that says, “There wasn’t a return address on this one, so I’m not sure who it’s from! Maybe you’ll figure it out from the handwriting?” Inside is a card depicting the Silvermoon coat of arms. The note simply reads, “Merry Feast of Winter Veil from LOR’THEMAR THERON, REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS.” There is also a small parchment with a sketch of his noble visage, just in case.
Below this is a handmade card from Garona. In fairly passable calligraphy, she has written “Happy Holidays, honorable Warchief.” There are faint smudges where the words “Let’s have dinner” have been erased. There is also a package wrapped in shiny red paper which contains a pair of soft wool fingerless gloves. Who knew Garona was so good with crafts?
The next card is smudged and crinkled. An unsteady hand has written “Merry Happy Winter Veil.” Below this are two messy signatures that might say “Dontrag” and “Utvoch.” It may have been written in crayon.
The final card bears the Alliance crest. The inside reads,
“Happy Holidays
From a superior king
Oh – FUCK YOU GARROSH”
———
Postscript from Mokvar:
I didn’t mention any of this when I originally delivered it to Garrosh a few days ago, just becuase…well…after he saw that last one, it seemed like a good idea to wait a little while till after he’d left town before anyone brought it up again. When I was assembling the package, I remember giving Ben-Lin Cloudstider, the anger management counselor, a peek at the card from Varian there…and her replying, “I see. I will clear my calendar for the next few weeks, then.”
Ragequitters never win
You have logged on.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well that’s the problem with arcane, though.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] for me anyway.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how you u mean?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey everyone
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ?
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well i mean, why wouldnt it?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What did I just walk in on?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or do I not want to know?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This one is pretty harmless.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] how are you doing, pwn?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Doing okay, gayle
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello omgipwnedurface.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] good to see you as always.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see, case in point.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh lol
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] probably just as well.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i haven’t aged well.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol its ok i like older guys =)
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh i remember that phase
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY NOW
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol dont worry sweetie
[Lorthemar] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi lorthemar
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] JUST KIDDING
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, all.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, Lorthemar.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi lor
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I still say scalies just creep me out.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] are you new in the guild?
[Guild][Lorthemar] No.
[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh
[Guild][Lorthemar] Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’ve been in the guild for months.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh ok
[Guild][Lorthemar] I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ!
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats
[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all. ^_^
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Exalted with EVERY national faction? HOW?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Which one?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] France.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez yeah
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The French don’t like anybody
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s that?
[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] welcome!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome ed
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who’s this now?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ji Firepaw
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ah…well this should be entertaining.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh…sort of a mixed bag
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They mean well, but…I don’t know. We’ll see
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] brb
[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome to the guild!
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Speaking of which
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] he seems quiet.
[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi gil
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hello, Utvoch.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] can you see this?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ah there we are
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no this is dontrag
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Welcome aboard, Ed.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Edward.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, are you sure, Utvoch? I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no, i logged on for a little while last night
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it looks fun
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes i’m sure
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we’ve talked about this before
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.
[Guild][Lorthemar] A double welcome to you, then!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] are you new too?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You really love messing with him, don’t you?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why yes. Yes I do.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Whichever one of them he actually is.
[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh
[Guild][Lorthemar] No, I’m not.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Can you blame me, really?
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] are you sure your not new lor?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dont think i’ve seen you on before
[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes I’m sure.
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new, for the hundredth time.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time. that wouldn’t be new.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you can only be new once.
[Guild][Lorthemar] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what class are you playing ed?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I know some things can be a little confusing at first.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a farmer
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they don’t really sound too exciting to play
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What kind?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You should have gotten one too, Edward
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] A dog
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t you already have one?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i get it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There are a lot of different breeds.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You already have it, Edward.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg i love the new pet sparring!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh there it is
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what kind did you get?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how can i see the details?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click on it.
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye leslie
[Guild][Lorthemar] Eat well!
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BYE EVERYONE
[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] byeeeee
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok i think i see it now
[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s the verdict?
[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it says it’s called a poodle
[Guild][Lorthemar] You can name it, too, if you want to.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re supposed to be smart
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i do that?
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you mean they make good spellcasters? or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click again, then pick “rename.”
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No problem.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I put out a few feelers
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok done
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] done what?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s…that’s remarkable.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern. Something about questions about my temperament
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named the pet
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh nice
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week
[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi steve
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who knew, right?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That -had- to have been a Thrall program.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hi guys
[Guild][Lorthemar] So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Steve!
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named her winnie
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sup man
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] after my aunt, jae win
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] she had similarly poofy hair
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] not too much
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, not too clear about any more than that
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually
[Guild][Lorthemar] That works.
[Guild][Lorthemar] Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thanks
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey who’s the new guy?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Ji, quick question
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just joined the guild today
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] nice to meet you
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no not you
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes warchief? i mean guildmaster
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i meant the other new guy
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lorthemar
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You might know something about this
[Guild][Lorthemar] ugh
[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, SERIOUSLY
[Guild][Lorthemar] Enough is enough already.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ?
[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh sure, “?” at me
[Guild][Lorthemar] Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”
[Guild][Lorthemar] Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, what’s this guy’s damage?
[Guild][Lorthemar] So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME
[Guild][Lorthemar] SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME
[Guild][Lorthemar] I
[Guild][Lorthemar] AM NOT
[Guild][Lorthemar] NEW
[Guild][Lorthemar] Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?
[Guild][Lorthemar] I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS
[Guild][Lorthemar] I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED
[Guild][Lorthemar] I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN
[Guild][Lorthemar] I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!
[Guild][Lorthemar] REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS
[Guild][Lorthemar] It NOT HARD to remember that part
[Guild][Lorthemar] LOOK
[Guild][Lorthemar] <–
[Guild][Lorthemar] SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?
[Guild][Lorthemar] “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR
[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT’S ME
[Guild][Lorthemar] LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON
[Guild][Lorthemar] RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES
[Guild][Lorthemar] ME
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh hi, lorthemar. welcome to the guild.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] did you just join?
[Guild][Lorthemar] sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg
[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while
[Lorthemar] has logged off.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well what crawled up his ass?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s a blood elf. Who knows
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] um
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, well…
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] your naivete is adorable.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or dungeons
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh. um.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i guess i’ll go back to leveling
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Where in the world are you?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] orgrimmar
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No, I mean, where in the game?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just got sent to a region called siberia
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a little bit, yes sir
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] we try to be, yes sir
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] particularly for controlling anger
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU stay out of this
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When you’re not playing video games or blogging.
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] and now i have things missing from my inventory
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh those russian mob guys are nasty
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You said you were in Siberia?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll be back
[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, you have to watch for that.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.
You have logged off.
Encore
The Karazhan Opera House curtain rises. As a drum beat begins, Garona dances at center stage, surrounded by Gul’dan, Medivh, and Cho’gall.
{MY GARONA}
GUL’DAN:
Oh my little stabby one, stabby one,
Come along and look in my eye’s corona.
Now my binding spell is spun, won’t be undone:
Fight it if you want, but you’re mine, Garona.
Never going free,
Barely sane,
Such an angry mind,
You’re gonna kill King Llane,
Take the blame,
Just as I designed –
You’re my, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my Garona!MEDIVH:
Come on down to Karazhan, for Gul’dan;
Soon you’ll have your Emissary persona.
While Sargeras pulls my strings, plotting things,
Something in you draws you to me, Garona.
Never holding back,
Love takes wing,
Fight it if you can;
You always had a thing
For a fling
With an older man –
You’re my, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!CHO’GALL:
When you gonna come at me? Let me see.
Stop your hiding out by that ghost Karoma.
Twilight Bastion destiny, better flee.
If you get too close then you’re toast, Garona.
Sneaking up the hills,
Fight and scrap,
Take the bait, go on;
You’re yelling “Holy crap!
It’s a trap!”
Gotta fight a gronn –
My, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my, my, my-y-y, woo!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!
M-m-m-my Garona!GUL’DAN, MEDIVH, and CHO’GALL:
Ohhh, my Garona!
Ohhh, my Garona!
Ohhh, my Garona!The audience bursts into applause; Garona, beaming, steps forward and opens her mouth as if to speak or sing. The curtain closes in front of her.
The Wizard of Zhan, Act 2
The curtain rises, revealing the Gold Road coming to a fork in the marsh at a small guard tower. Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer enter. Seated next to the tower entrance, two guards – Dontrag and Utvoch – entertain themselves tossing coins.
GARROSH: Huh. Do you know which way we’re supposed to go?
GARONA: I’m not sure. It’s been a while.
GARROSH: How do you know this wizard again?
GARONA: Long story. <looks around> I suppose we could ask the guards.
GARROSH: <squints, looking at them> For some reason, I don’t have a great feeling about that. But whatever. HEY, you two!
Dontrag and Utvoch scramble to their feet and grab their axes.
DONTRAG: Halt!
UTVOCH: Who goes there?
GARROSH: Uh, you can stop trying to act like you were actually paying attention to what was going on.
DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, sir, but rested assurances we are in full commanding commandeered command of the situation. At hand, sir.
UTVOCH: What may have appeared to the untrained eye, sir—
DONTRAG: The uninitialized!
UTVOCH: Uninitialized?
DONTRAG: Isn’t that what you meant?
UTVOCH: The uninitialized eye?
DONTRAG: Well maybe you could take out the “eye” part?
GARONA: Were you thinking of maybe “uninitiated”?
UTVOCH: What’s wrong with just “the untrained eye”?
DONTRAG: Fine, say it your way.
GARROSH: I think I’m starting to get a regrettably familiar headache…
UTVOCH: As I was meaning to say, sir…
GARROSH: Oh good. Here we go.
UTVOCH: To the untrained eye, it may have appeared and belied that my comrade Dontrag and I were diverted and distracted, but you see, sir, that’s all just part of our clever ruse.
GARROSH: A ruse?
UTVOCH: Yes sir. Our cunning plan!
GARROSH: You have a ruse?
UTVOCH: We do, sir – a great clever devious one, sure to outwit and unfox even the most surreptitious and scheming of foes! A great airtight inconceivable ploy, ma’am!
GARROSH: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
UTVOCH: Sir?
GARROSH: Just go on. Or don’t, actually.
UTVOCH: Just meaning to say, sir, my colleague and I might have looked to be distracted with our game, but if you take my meaning, sir, that’s just to lull any enemies into a false sense of security, sir.
DONTRAG: They see us busy at the tower and underestimate us!
GARROSH: I don’t know if anyone could underestimate you two.
UTVOCH: Thank you, sir!
DONTRAG: And they try to put one past us, and lo and behold!
UTVOCH: Ha! HA!
Garona, who had wandered off by this point, unstealths further up the road, on the far side of the guard tower, and waves.
DONTRAG: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one past ol’ Dontrag and Utvoch, sir!
Garrosh points to Garona; Dontrag and Utvoch turn to look, then do double takes.
UTVOCH: Hey! You can’t be over there!
DONTRAG: No one passes this checkpoint without they’ve been approved and authorized and added to the official commendatory-ish list!
UTVOCH: No one else is to pass, ma’am!
DONTRAG: Those are our orders!
GARROSH: Your orders?
DONTRAG: Yes, sir!
GARROSH: Whose orders?
UTVOCH: The Warchief’s orders, sir!
Garrosh stares at them for a moment, then looks at Garona, then rubs his eyes.
GARROSH: I’M the Warchief, you pinheads.
Dontrag and Utvoch do another double take.
UTVOCH: I think we may need to add more detailed notes to the list.
GARROSH: I think you may need something other than cottage cheese between your ears.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
GARONA: You know, if they came along, maybe the Wizard could do something for them.
GARROSH: WHY would you even SUGGEST—
UTVOCH: Really? That would be most magnanimous of you, sir!
DONTRAG: It would be an honor to join you on your quest, sir!
UTVOCH: A group quest, as it were!
DONTRAG: With a tremendous quest reward for Utvoch and I, sir – and most beneficiallacious to everyone!
{IF WE ONLY HAD A BRAIN}
DONTRAG:
We would cause much less frustration,
And need less explanation
To make the meaning plain.
Write your order down and send it;
We would truly comprehend it
If we only had a brain.UTVOCH:
We would free our conversation
From overcompensation:
The knowledge that we feign.
You might think of us as nerdy,
And we wouldn’t be so wordy
If we only had a brain.DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Oh, we would finally know,
Our heads not filled with wool.DONTRAG:
Instead our heads with knowledge would be full.
UTVOCH:
It would be inconceivable!
DONTRAG:
Life would be such a joy hence,
To not be an annoyance,
And not be thought a pain.
You would not be near as wary
Of our weak vocabulary
If we only had a brain.UTVOCH:
We’d listen while you’re talkin’,
And not feel like we’re walkin’
Two steps behind again.
You’re be happy when you meet us
(Or at least you wouldn’t beat us)
If we only had a brain.
GARONA: See? They mean well.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, fine. They can come along. Only question is, which way? We still never settled that.
DONTRAG: We’re on it, sir!
GARONA: See, I told you.
DONTRAG: You call it, Ut.
GARROSH: Wait, call it?
UTVOCH: Heads, north!
DONTRAG: Tossing!
Dontrag tosses a coin.
GARROSH: Seriously?
DONTRAG: Tails!
UTVOCH: South it is.
GARROSH: You know what? Fine. Whatever.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!Blackout. The Gold Road winds past Blackrock Mountain through a fiery landscape. Garrosh, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, and Mortimer enter and make their way cautiously along the road.
DONTRAG: I don’t really like the looks of things here, sir.
GARONA: This is a dangerous region. Rumor has it that a few last lingering members of the black dragonflight lurk around here.
UTVOCH: Dragons? Really?
DONTRAG: Don’t forget the ogres. Aren’t they supposed to be especially hostile in these mountains?
GARONA: Not to mention the orcs.
GARROSH: Um, you mean like every single one of us here?
GARONA: Hey, I’m half draenei.
GARROSH: Yeah, but you’re passing.
GARONA: Well still, I’m talking about Blackrock orcs. They’re nothing but trouble in this region.
DONTRAG: Ugh. Dragons and ogres and orcs.
UTVOCH: Oh my.
GARONA: Dragons and ogres and orcs.
UTVOCH: Oh my.
The group begins to march along the road faster, in rhythm with their words.
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
As the group passes an outcropping of rock, Mokvar – wearing clattering plate armor – jumps out and attacks them, beginning with a chain lightning that knocks Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch back. Mokvar knocks down Dontrag and stands over him, rearing back to swing his mace. Garrosh charges back in and knocks Mokvar away.
DONTRAG: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the Blakrock orcs being bad news around here.
MOKVAR: I’m not a Blackrock orc! You’re the Blackrock orcs!
GARROSH: Dude, what is this, a schoolyard?
MOKVAR: You’re not Blackrock orcs?
GARROSH: Do I LOOK like a Blackrock orc? You seriously can’t tell Blackrock from Mag’har?
MOKVAR: <shrugs> Yeah, fine. In that case, you all be on your way and I’ll get back to my business.
GARROSH: What this yen you’ve got against the Blackrocks, anyway?
MOKVAR: That’s between them and me.
GARONA: And anyone else who happens to come walking down this road.
GARROSH: I don’t know what your problem is with them, dude, but you might want to let it go before somebody ends up getting hurt. Like mainly you.
MOKVAR: Would if I could.
GARONA: Why can’t you?
MOKVAR: The Blackrock clan…well, one of them…took something from me that… Look, if I could put it past me and forget about it, I would. It would make life a whole lot easier…
{IF I ONLY HAD A HEART}
MOKVAR:
It’s true, I’m kind of bitter;
My mercy’s in the shitter,
My anger off the chart.
Maybe wrongs could be forgiven
And I just could go on livin’
If I only had a heart.An orc that I won’t mention,
Reviled past comprehension,
That’s where it found its start.
But my smiles would be addictive
If I just weren’t so vindictive,
If I only had a heart.Picture me a balcony,
Above a voice speaks low,
Illuminated by the fires below.
I hear a blast…aghast.Now I wish I could forget it,
Those moments I regretted
That tear me all apart.
I could end all my fighting
And I’d get back to my writing
If I only had a heart.DONTRAG: You know, maybe the Wizard could do something to help him, too.
GARONA: I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try.
GARROSH: I guess. Maybe he’ll give me someone to have some actual decent conversation with on this trip.
GARONA: I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time!
GARROSH: As I was saying.
MOKVAR: You people are funny. You should write some of this down.
GARROSH: Funny you should mention. I want to discuss that with you during the trip…
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!Blackout. The group follows the Gold Road through Duskwood, where it passes an alchemy station manned by Faranell.
FARNELL: Hey. I’m Edwin, I could go for a trip to the Dark Tower too, everybody cool with that? Yeah? Good. Let’s get going then.
GARROSH: I— wait, what? You just want to…
FARANELL: Yeah, look, I’ve been watching this from backstage, and rather than doing some little vignette about me joining the group, I figured we could just save time and move things along.
GARROSH: <clapping Faranell on the back> Good man.
FARANELL: Okay, so, cue the exit song.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
Weeeeeeeeee’re off to—
GARONA: Wait, wait, hold on.
GARROSH: What’s the matter?
GARONA: What do you want to see the Wizard for?
FARANELL: …I want his autograph?
GARROSH: Does it really matter?
GARONA: Hey, somebody has to keep the plot on track with some kind of integrity.
MOKVAR: Personally I think that train left the station somewhere around the “Time Warp” ripoff.
FARANELL: Well, what have you got so far?
GARONA: Dontrag and Utvoch want a brain.
FARANELL: Shouldn’t they specify two?
GARONA: Isn’t that splitting hairs, really?
FARANELL: Listen, I’m a mage. I know all about ironic technicalities when people phrase their magic requests vaguely.
GARROSH: Whatever. Honestly even one brain between them would be an improvement.
GARONA: And then Mokvar wants a heart.
FARANELL: mm. Okay, well, keeping with the whole anatomical theme, I guess I could ask him for some guts.
GARROSH: Really? You don’t seem so cowardly.
UTVOCH: Actually I thought you were kind of badass back in that cellar.
FARANELL: No, no, I’m not talking about courage. I mean literally, guts. Look at me. I’m undead. I’m missing half my internal organs.
{IF I ONLY HAD SOME GUTS}
FARANELL:
The bile I feel is sadder,
’Cause I’ve got no gallbladder,
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Now I’d finally have uses
For these jarred digestive juices
If I only had some guts.No liver, so I’m thinkin’
I’d better not be drinkin’.
I really don’t see what’s
The point of an appendix,
But I would give mine a mend fix
If I only had some guts.Once I had them back,
It would never discard.
I never should have once let down my guard
And signed that organ donor card.Those toxins, I would rid these
If I just had some kidneys.
Necrosis, it rebuts.
But my pain would heal faster,MOKVAR:
All this anger I would master,
DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Our ideas won’t be disaster,
GARROSH:
And I’ll kill that demon bastard
If that caster is a caster, not a putz.DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Then we’re sure to get a brain.
MOKVAR:
A heart.
GARROSH:
A…means to summon a demon prince and by the way I’m not even bothering to try to get this to fit the actual meter of the line here, so sue me.
FARANELL: <blinks>
Um, okay… Some guts.
GARROSH: Okay, that works. Moving on.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE, FOR REAL THIS TIME)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!The group marches down the road and offstage. The curtain closes.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3…}
The Wizard of Zhan
The curtain rises on the admiral’s quarters in Northwatch Hold, where Garrosh is sitting in a chair, slumped over a central table. Everything appears black-and-white.
After a moment, Garrosh stirs and looks around the room while rubbing his forehead. Stage lights illuminate the far edges of the stage, alternating sides, showing brief glimpses of Orgrimmar in flames, being overrun by demons. The sounds of screaming and demonic laughter can be heard, seemingly at a distance. The lights at the edges of the stage go out. Garrosh stands, and the background noise stops.
GARROSH: Malchezaar… They were able to do it because of Malchezaar…
{UP IN THE NETHER}
GARROSH:
Somewhere up in the nether
In the dark,
There’s a demon “prince,” self-appointed,
Calls himself Malchezaar.Mortimer wanders in and settles near Garrosh as the song continues.
Somewhere up in the nether
Time did break.
You can kill him while he’s up there
But it just won’t take.Some day I’ve got to drag him down
Out of that place and go to town
And stop it.
The Legion hid him in the cracks.
Sometimes he’s got my father’s axe;
I hope he drops it.Somewhere up in the nether
Demons hide.
Prince lurks up in the nether –
It’s long since time he died.If demons get to be revived
Without a timer,
Why oh why can’t I?Garrosh walks to a window and looks out. A stage light illuminates the edge of the stage again, this time revealing the burning ruins of Camp Taurajo.
Garrosh steps back into the room and, slowly at first but with increasing speed and urgency, begins running around the room, knocking over and smashing furniture. Dizzying music fades in as Garrosh continues; he runs around in circles, destroying everything he can reach. The stage lights dim until the room itself fades from view and the only thing visible is Garrosh – running in circles, lashing at his invisible surroundings, moving with increasing speed until he starts to blur into a whirlwind of anger.
The lights slowly come up to show that the Northwatch Hold tower has been replaced by the deck of a goblin sky galleon. The ship is spinning in air, such that the rotation of the ship gradually comes to replace Garrosh’s running; he now stands on the deck as the galleon spins around, tossed in circles by a literal whirlwind.
The lights fade to black while the dizzying music continues – growing louder – then a loud crash is heard. The stage lights come up again, showing the sky galleon wrecked on the ground amid the ruins of Theramore. For the first time, the scene is visible in full color. Garrosh is sprawled out on the ground near the wreckage, unconscious. Mortimer flies in and approaches. He prods Garrosh carefully with one paw; Garrosh stirs and starts to get up.
GARROSH: <rubbing his head with one hand while patting Mortimer with the other> Yeah, yeah, I’m okay, buddy…
Garrosh turns to the wreckage of the galleon and notices a woman’s legs sticking out from under it.
Huh. She’s not okay, though, whoever she is. Was.
Garrosh looks around the ruins, then back to the galleon. As he turns away, several goblins begin to emerge slowly from behind pieces of the ruins.
Hmm… Mortimer, I don’t think we’re in Northgate anymore… Looks like Theramore…so…so that would make HER—
SPAZZLE: <running to the wreckage> The Witch! She’s dead! The Wicked Witch is dead!
More goblins appear and gather closer around the wreckage.
GARROSH: Hang on, the witch? You mean like a mage?
SPAZZLE: Well, it’s kind of a blanket term.
GARROSH: But is THIS one a mage?
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GARROSH: Yeah, fine, I get it, she’s dead. What I’m trying to find out is if she’s—
GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: She’s dead!
DYSLIX SILVERGRUB: Dead!
KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH: The Witch is dead!
KHIZZARA: Woot!
GARROSH: Fine, fuck it, I’ll check it out myself.
Garrosh takes hold of the edge of the wreckage and, grunting, lifts it a few feet.
UGH! GROSS!
Garrosh releases the galleon and it crashes back onto the body. One hand is left flopping limply out from under the wreckage; a glowing blue orb falls out of its palm and rolls across the ground.
Definitely Jaina, though. Gotta say, not exactly a glorious way to go out. <chuckles> Oh well. Live on your back, die on your back, right?
The blue sphere rolls further. In a puff of smoke, Liadrin appears in the sphere’s path. She is wearing the paladin Lightsworn robes and has the wings of Avenging Wrath permanently glowing on her back. She leans down and picks up the orb.
LIADRIN: Are you the one who’s slain the Wicked Witch of the East and freed the Mudsprockets?
GARROSH: What, Jaina? Yeah, that was me, I guess.
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: So hang on, who are all you people?
LIADRIN: I am the Good Witch of the North. And the Mudsprockets live here in the marsh.
RAZBO RUSTGEAR: Under the tyrannical reign of the Wicked Witch of the East!
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: Jaina had a tyrannical reign?
SPAZZLE: Well, more like some pretty strict local ordinances on fireworks and explosives.
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE: Splodey-ville, here we come!
GOBLINS: Hooray!
GARROSH: Okay, whatever. You’re happy she’s dead, I’m happy she’s dead, it’s all cool. One less thorn in my side, gotta tell you.
{WHAM, BAM, THE BITCH IS DEAD}
GARROSH:
Wham! Bam! The bitch is dead!
GOBLINS:
Which? Which bitch?
GARROSH:
The Proudmoore bitch!
Wham! Bam! The Proudmoore bitch is dead!
I landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!GOBLINS:
She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!Drazzit Dripvalve approaches wearing a top hat and comically flamboyant ceremonial attire.
DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
As Mayor of dear Mudsprocket,
In the shadow of the Witch’s lair,
I welcome you effusively!GIZZIX GRIMEGURGLE:
But it must be proved conclusively,
To know…DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
To know?
GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:
That blow…
DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
That blow?
GIZZIX GRIMGURGLE:
Has utterly, totally,
KRIXIL SLOGSWITCH:
Not just anecdotally!
RAZBO RUSTGEAR:
Determinately, permanently,
GOBLINS:
Undiminishedly gone and finished her off.
SPAZZLE:
I went ahead and checked her out,
And I can say without a doubt
That she’s not just flatter than most:
She’s totally and truly toast.DRAZZIT DRIPVALVE:
Then today we’ll fire our rockets!
Celebrating free Mudsprockets!
Now spread the word! Let none neglect!
The Wicked Witch just got shipwrecked!GOBLINS:
Wham! Bam! The Witch is dead!
Which? Which Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Wham! Bam! The Wicked Witch is dead!
He landed on her head,
She wished she woulda stood in bed.GARROSH:
Flat splat, the Proudmoore bitch is dead!
GOBLINS:
She won’t stop the goblins now –
Kapow! Kapow! Kapow!
So now, let’s open up and blast,
At last! Let’s rock some rockets!
Wham bam, she got put down,
A new sheriff is in town!
Don’t you frown, the Wicked Witch is dead!From above, Magatha Grimtotem swoops in, riding her wind serpent Arikara. Cackling maniacally, she casts chain lightning down at the Mudsprockets, who scatter and try to take cover.
GARROSH: What the fuck is SHE doing here?
LIADRIN: It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!
GARROSH: How many fucking Wicked Witches do you people HAVE around here?
LIADRIN: Two—
KHIZZARA: Not anymore!
LIADRIN: Well, yes, one now. But this one is even worse than the Wicked Witch of the East ever was.
GARROSH: Preaching to the choir, lady.
Magatha unleashes another burst of chain lightning; Garrosh and Liadrin dive out of the way. Mortimer launches into the air, snarling, and swipes at Arikara.
GARROSH: Yeah! Go get ’em, Mortimer!
Mortimer’s strike knocks Magatha off of Arikara and sends her crashing to the ground. Shrieking, Arikara flies out of view. Magatha gets up and looks at Jaina’s legs poking out from under the wreckage. Mortimer returns to the ground, landing next to Garrosh.
MAGATHA: So it’s true! She’s dead! <looking around hurriedly> Where is it, then? It must be here!
LIADRIN: <holding up the blue sphere> Are you looking for this?
MAGATHA: The Focusing Iris! Yes! Once I combine its power with that of the Doomstone—
LIADRIN: You’ll do nothing of the kind, crone!
MAGATHA: You think I fear you, elf? I’ll take it from you if I have to!
Magatha starts to cast another chain lightning, but is interrupted when Garona – sporting the Fangs of the Father wings – unstealths and stunlocks her.
GARONA: Not so much, Steak Sauce!
GARROSH: So, who’s this supposed to be now?
LIADRIN: She’s the Morally Ambiguous Witch of the South-by-Southeast.
GARONA: Hey.
GARROSH: You people have some really weird fucking job titles, gotta say.
LIADRIN: You slayed the Wicked Witch of the East, so it’s only right that the Focusing Iris should go to you as its caretaker…
Liadrin hands the Iris to Garrosh.
What’s important is that it stays out of the hands of the crone at all cost.
GARROSH: Yeah, don’t worry, I am all about making her life unpleasant…
Arikara swoops by again, startling Garrosh and Liadrin into taking a few steps back; Magatha breaks out of her stun, jumps back, and puts down an earthbind totem that holds the others in place.
MAGATHA: I may need to bide my time for now, but the Iris will be mine yet! And as for you, orc – I’ll get you, my cranky, and your little wyvern, too!
Magatha leaps onto Arikara’s back and takes off.
LIADRIN: She’ll be back. I hope you can handle powerful enemies.
GARROSH: I’ve dealt with worse. Matter of fact, I was working on one just before I wound up here.
LIADRIN: What enemy was that?
GARROSH: A demon called Malchezaar – taking him out wouldn’t even be that big of a deal, but I kind of have to get him out of his lair in order to defeat him.
LIADRIN: Something you would need powerful magic to do?
GARROSH: Probably. Magic not really being my strong suit.
LIADRIN: I may know whose it is. You want to talk to the Wizard of Zhan.
GARROSH: The who now?
LIADRIN: The Wizard of Zhan! He’s a wise, mysterious mage who lives in the Dark Tower far away.
GARROSH: So this guy is pretty powerful?
LIADRIN: Extremely – they say there’s no end to what he can do.
GARONA: Let’s not get carried away now.
GARROSH: You know him?
GARONA: We’ve met.
GARROSH: So how do I get to him?
LIADRIN: The tower of Zhan is far to the east of Dustwallow, in the Pass of Dying Winds. Luckily for you, the eastward Gold Road will take you straight there.
Liadrin points to the yellow brick road beneath their feet.
GARROSH: Well that’s convenient.
GARONA: I can go with you, since I know the Wizard.
LIADRIN: You should get started – it’s a long trip, especially since you’ll be walking.
GARROSH: Screw walking, I’ve got my wyvern right here. I can just hop on and fly along the road.
GARONA: Great! I can get on behind you and hold onto you.
GARROSH: Okay, so walking it is. Grats on the dodged bullet, Mortimer.
GARONA: Fine.
LIADRIN: We’ll see you off! Good luck on your journey!
GARROSH: Hey, actually…you said this road leads right to Zhan?
LIADRIN: Yes, it does.
GARROSH: Even though there’s an ocean between here and there? Because we’re kind of on a different continent.
LIADRIN: Yes, but fortunately the road runs across the Willing Suspension Bridge of Disbelief.
GARROSH: Huh. Okay then. Off we go.
Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer start to follow the road while the Mudsprockets gather behind them.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD}
GOBLINS:
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
You’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!The curtains close.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 2…}