Tag Archives: reader mail
Monday mailbag
So it’s been a while since I did a mailbag. How long, you ask? GOOD QUESTION. And the answer is, so long that in the intervening time I’ve gotten not one, but TWO letters from our old buddy ACC, so why don’t we get to it before he dashes off ANOTHER one, and start working our way through the ACC backlog. As usual, actual letters from actual readers…
And greetings from the not-so-frozen South. Pro tip: NEVER go on a boat with General Nazgrim. I don’t know what he did to offend the Boat Gods, but… This is twice now that I’ve boarded a serviceable ship and disembarked from kindling. Mind you, there’s hardly anyone else I’d rather be with in a scrap. If you’re headed to a hot LZ you want him there with you, just don’t let him drive. Can’t add anything to what’s already been said about our allies and opponents except that while I’d pick semi-sentient monkeys over super-evolved murlocs any day, the “epic” clash was the goat-rope to end all goat-ropes. The least said about that, the better.
You’ve already heard about the giant vegetables in the Valley of the Four Winds. Turns out that the water makes for some pretty big beasties, too. And where there’s big game, you KNOW who’s not far behind. That’s right, Hemet Nesingwary’s pulled stakes from Sholazar and headed South. And be brought his boy with him. Got to say, it was awesome seeing them together. When you get down this way, you ought to swing by their camp and take a look around.
One other thing before I get back to work: that issue you mentioned last time? This place forces you to deal with things like that. What you bring within yourself draws spirits out of the land itself. Harsh therapy, but effective. I still stand by the necessity of what we did, but I do (slightly) regret the intemperate zeal.
–A Concerned Citizen
Ahh, so THAT’s where Hemet and his kid disappeared off to. Good to hear, ACC – maybe now the old man can finally teach the kid a thing or two so he won’t be QUITE as big a fuck-up. It was always pretty embarrassing dropping by their camp in Stranglethorn, and having the guy supposedly in charge be far and away the least competent hunter there. Then again, I guess that’s the way management tends to go, right? Mediocrity rises, so the person in charge usually winds up being the biggest dumbass?
Anyway, good point about Nazgrim. No question as to his military skills, but for future engagements I’m thinking I might send him in AFTER the initial wave, so I can just have him ported in without having to roll the dice putting him on another ship. Though come to think of it, that could make for an interesting experiment…like if we put him on a vehicle to some other part of Pandaria right now, would that one crash too? If I told him to take one of the pandas’ balloons somewhere, would the balloon go all hydrogen bomb clear out of the blue? Is anyone else thinking I might seriously have to try some of this out once I get down there, even if unbeknownst to Nazgrim I’d be putting his physical safety at sustained risk for no reason other than a puckish blend of curiosity and thirst for amusement?
There’s a rumor going around that the EO servers are shutting off this coming Friday. Heard anything about this?
–A Concerned Citizen
Wait, what? Shutting off as in permanently? I know they usually have some downtime for maintenance, but that’s usually on Tuesdays, isn’t it? Why would they shut down the game? They only just put out a new expansion. I mean yeah, they lost some subscribers the last year or so, but still, I don’t see them shutting down at this point.
Or is this some kind of in-game apocalypse deal? Because you DO get some of those RP-happy people who are all about the second coming of that Jesus guy. Who, by the way, could they make it any more obvious where they got THAT lore character from? I mean, come on…he walks on water and comes back from the dead, so he obviously has to be a shaman, and he’s all hippy granola-crunchy let’s-all-get-along-and-be-friends, and millions of people just dote over him and think he’s the most awesome thing, which just feeds into his whole deal where he thinks he’s the ultimate savior, and come on, could they make it any more painfully obvious who he’s supposed to be? We might as well just call him Beige Thrall. Although I don’t know why people make such a big deal about him coming back. Do they really expect the guy to just show up again and take over or something?
This parchment has a few sketches around the edges in multicolored inks. Dontrag and Utvoch are recognizable, as are Nazgrel and Neferatti. The remaining sketches are of a naaru, a warp stalker, and a nether ray. The lettering is spaced a bit erratically and is far from ornate, but is readable without excessive effort.
Dear Mr Warchief Sir:
I herd abot Mr Mokvar. I hop he gets bettr soon. I kno you need a scrib now, and I want to voula valun help. I hav ben trayning with a teechr who says Im doing much bettr than I was. I wud tell you all abot her and abot evrything Ive bin doing, but that wud tak too long and I want to mail this now. Pleese let me be your scrib!
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani.”
Um…
<sigh>
Yeah, how about I get back to you on that.
Fucking hell, somebody get me a list of the inscription trainers and vendors around here, there’s gotta be SOMEONE I can rope into taking this damn job…
In unrelated news HEY EVERYBODY KEEP THOSE SCRIBE APPLICATIONS COMING IN, and hoo boy, Mokvar, heal up fast, dude.
I have been spending a good deal of time in Pandaria per your orders and have been getting to know the natives. Recently I took a quick trip home for a bit of a break and a grave injustice has become apparent to me.
In Panderia the natives are more than happy to allow me to have one of my pets hanging around with me. They are more than happy to serve grain to my goat Moe while I am enjoying refreshments of my own. That same scene does not play out at home. I was actually kicked out of Silvermoon City by one of those constructs that what’s his name has running around the city because one of my felines had a small accident in the city. I was in the process of cleaning it up when I was ushered out of the city. Even in Ogrimmar people get testy if one of my pets is curled up at my feet while I enjoy a drink.
Is there something you could do to make Hunter pets more welcome in Horde areas? They put their lives on the line in the service of the Horde same as any other veteran in your army. We train them well and they are not dangerous to civilians that keep their hands off of them.
Thank you for your time Warchief,
–Toka Armripper
Hey Toka. Well, you know, legally speaking, pets are kosher here in Orgrimmar. I can’t really speak for what they do in Silvermoon – the business with the construct-robot-thingy seems kind of lame, but that’s Regent-Lord Ponytail for you. Maybe he’s afraid the smell from any potential pet accidents might soak into his conditioner or some shit. Point is, though, over in Silvermoon or Undercity or Thunder Bluff or, hell, the Echo Isles, they all set their local ordinances about pets, and frankly, I get enough headaches from the other city leaders trying to get them go along with my orders on the big stuff like war and conscription and glorious battle…I don’t want to even THINK about the caterwauling I’ll have to deal with if I start trying to meddle around with smaller local regulations like pet control too. Sylvanas will probably give me another one of her speeches about centralized government versus cities’ rights.
As for people getting testy in Orgrimmar if you bring your pets into the bar with you, well, frankly, fuck ’em. Really. The law here is that your pets are allowed in there as long as you keep them under control, so if people don’t like it, fuck ’em. That’s the one thing – no matter what the law is, there’s not much you can do about people’s attitudes, so like it or not, there are always going to be some malcontents who are going to grumble. I mean, hell, a couple weeks ago I was taking Mortimer around Orgrimmar to stretch his legs a little, and he went sniffing up to this old orc woman – and I don’t mean the fit, MILFy kind of older orc woman like Garona, I mean old and cranky and bloated and draped in fur-lined imperial silk robes for no reason other than LOOK AT ME I’M FANCY and hasn’t done a sit-up since the Second War. And so Mortimer started sniffing at her, and I told her not to worry, he’s friendly. And she was all sneery like, “Well I’m not an animal lover.” And so I said, “That’s okay, he’s not a heartless unfeeling cow lover.” And of course just then there were a couple tauren walking by, so, you know, awkward.
Random Weirdness spotted – Oppan Garrosh Style
[If you’re unable to view the embedded video, you can link to it here.]
I’m just…
that was…
uh…
Ok.
–Quelita, Tarren Mill
Yeah, what of it?
I slaughter Alliance, I write EPIC VERSE, I sing.
It’s called being a triple threat. Deal with it, bitches.
That’s it for this time around. As always, keep those letters coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.
Monday mailbag
Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered. There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.
So, let’s have at it.
This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:
Dear Warchief,
You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.
F.Y.V.
–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds
Okay, so you know what, Vanicus? That’s just fantastic. Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon. Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around. If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.
One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it. And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.” Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL. Seriously. I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them. And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.
Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area. Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations. It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd. Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean. The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent. Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there? Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?
I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field. So, you know, who am I to criticize?
I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested. I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds. I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming! This was very new and exciting for me. Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture. With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!
I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine. I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here. There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc. I may need to get out of here before I get fat.
–Tandeleina, Halfhill
Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right? Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat? Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing? Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?
Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing. I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there. I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing. Eat, drink, and be merry, right?
Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there? Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE. They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated. I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.
I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent. I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents). Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known. Day by day I continue my research in this area. I believe my findings shall be most profitable.
However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens. I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke. Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:
As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended. Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley. I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.
There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study. For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:
They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain. I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind? So I killed them. The turtles and the mage. Just to be safe.
Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat. Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?
Respectfully Yours,
–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds
Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today? Do you know Tandeleina? Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?
So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables. On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES. Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed. Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something. Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits. Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too? Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone. They’d probably go over like gangbusters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon. And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it. (You trolls wanted more food? WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)
Interesting about the water up there, though. Definitely something to follow up on. I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff. You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples. (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)
What are these “virmen” things, by the way? Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.
This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Oh boy. Here we go again. Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.
TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired. Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.
…The FUCK?! Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?! Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER. I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.
Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself. I hope.
Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.
I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.
Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.” Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.
Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.
Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?
I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.
I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.
Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings. We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.
I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.
D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around. I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.
Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor… Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland. I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do. Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there. That should keep you occupied for a while. (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)
I have made a grave mistake. I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde. I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join. I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine. It was a big mistake. Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover. I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session. I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that. I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.
Eagerly awaiting your answer,
–Windblossom, Stormwind
You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now. And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.
But you know…
Heh.
In this case, I’ve gotta say…
Hehe. Heh heh. Hehehe heh.
Hehe.
Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.
<looks at picture again>
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!
<chucklecrying>
Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom. F.Y.V.!
That’s it for this week, kids. I need to go find a tissue. Holy shit, my sides hurt.
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!
Fuck I love my readers.
<snort>
Into the mists
Brief update today, but an important one.
I had a meeting this morning with General Nazgrim. He’s been overseeing our naval operations since the whole Northwatch Hold fiasco. He had good news concerning recent victories at sea…and one piece of odd news.
This new land mass Nazgrim reported isn’t on any of our charts. It’s more or less in a region of the Great Sea that our ships wouldn’t have much reason ever to go near. But by all indications, the land mass is huge — not so much an island as a whole freaking CONTINENT. I’m not sure HOW it could have been there all this time without anyone ever noticing it.
Anyway, as the General reported, the Alliance had a ship run aground there, with some of our ships pursuing, and I don’t have to tell you I’m not at all thrilled by the idea of the Alliance making any headway on this new land ahead of us. So I’ve issued new orders to Nazgrim: he’s to assemble an elite force of our best people and take the Hellscream’s Fist, our newest gunship, to this new land and take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that the Horde, not the Alliance, secures a foothold there. A foothold to begin with, that is. Soon to be followed by a giant Horde insignia draped across the whole damn continent.
Here’s where you all come in. By the time you read this, some of you will have already received orders to join General Nazgrim’s forces on the Hellscream’s Fist. More of you will have the chance to head to the new continent with subsequent detachments we’ll be assembling. Once you’re there, I’m going to need information, and lots of it. Nazgrim is a good man, and thorough, but it never hurts to have a few extra sets of eyes when it comes to recon. So I need all of you to get down there and report back on what you find — bring your discoveries to the General, obviously, but while you’re at it, I want you to be sending updates to me directly as well. Going forward, I’m going to try to devote a part of my mailbags to reviewing your reports from the field.
So what are you waiting for? You heard me. Report to your assignments and get down there. YOUR WARCHIEF NEEDS INTELLIGENCE.
Hmm… I maybe want to rephrase that. Anyway.
FOR THE HORDE!
Monday mailbag
So now that THAT whole pain in the ass down in Karazhan is over with, it’s time to get to some overdue mail. Hopefully now that I’m out of the Opera House, nobody will spontaneously burst into song. Although, true fact: much to my surprise, Utvoch turns out to have a downright enchanting singing voice. Who knew?
Anyway, let’s have a look at what we’ve got this time around…
Nothing much to say, but … OOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Naysayers there may be, but they should know this: Theramore was an intact government center, a base for munitions and supplies, and an important logistical link for Alliance forces in the Barrens. It is now none of these things.
(And bonus points for anyone who can recognize the EO NPC I swiped the quote from!)
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey, ACC. Glad you had a good time on the Theramore mission.
That said…look, I’m glad that you’re all-in for this war with the Alliance, and believe you me, it’s nice to have frigging SOMEBODY around here who doesn’t go all “pooh-pooh, oh heavens, how could you, Garrosh?” over every single act of war taken against the fuckers with whom, you know, we’re at war. So that’s all good stuff.
But dude…you’re REALLY enjoying this a little too much. Dial down the bloodthirsty just a LITTLE, will you? And seriously, do you really understand how bad it has to be to make ME have to say that?
Also, I totally know where you got that quote from, but I’ll hold off on saying anything so everyone else can have a crack at it in the comments or the next batch of letters. I’ll give you all a hint, though — the NPC that ACC is riffing on isn’t someone you interact with directly in the game, but he shows up in one of those cut scenes that they use to fill in some of the in-game backstory. Now have at it, lore nerds — AND NO GOOGLING!
This letter arrives with the crumbling remains of what might have once been a piece of cake, and when opened, fills the reader’s lap with loose glitter. It is written in multiple colors of ink, liberally dusted with more glitter. In the margins are sketches, mostly of Ashenvale, though orcs feature prominently near the bottom. The handwriting is shaky and wanders across the page, but is mostly legible.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it. After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad. So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum. And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun. He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
The letter is signed with an inked pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Hoo boy.
Okay, well, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I think her spelling is at least a little better than last time.
Slightly.
Okay, yeah, maybe not. HEAD HURTS.
Luckily, I think I’ve got a way to make this a little less painful, courtesy of Spazzle. See, the little green dude’s been tinkering around with a computer app that converts other languages and dialects into Common, so maybe we can give it a whirl and see what we get. Here goes…
Taktani said: It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: Yesterday was my 20th birthday. I had lots of cake. I’ve sent you some. I hope you like it.
Okay, so far so good. So first of all, happy birthday, I guess, as of like a month ago, based on the date of this letter.
Second of all, yeah, I like cake, but like…this stuff you enclosed in the letter? That shit ain’t cake. Maybe it was cake when you sent it, but it sure as hell isn’t cake now. Now it’s like the Granular Substance Formerly Known as Cake. Never mind it being edible — at this point it looks more like something that might try to crawl out of Faranell’s lab. Matter of fact, excuse me for a second while I go kill it before it develops language skills. Which, in the process, by the way, it might still end up beating out the writer of this particular letter.
But third of all — WTF you had CAKE for your birthday? You’re a TAUREN, and you had lots of CAKE?! I went to Thunder Bluff for BAINE’S birthday, and the only snacks they had were jerky and pine nuts and…like…hay…and yet YOU somehow manage to get fucking CAKE? How the hell does THAT happen?
Taktani said: After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: After cake, High Chieftain Baine Bloodhoof sent me to Ashenvale. He wasn’t mad that I drew on his reports, but everyone else was when they saw what I had done. All I did was make them pretty! Baine’s reports were just enormous walls of text (possibly ghost-written by Tirion). I cut down on the TL;DR factor by making them less boring. But everyone (other than Baine) got mad.
So I’ve got to say, I am endlessly amused by the thought that Taktani apparently doodled all over Baine’s reports and then Baine’s advisors all started getting pissy over it. It kind of reminds me of the first couple months I was Warchief — sometimes I would get bored filling out requisition forms and scribble a few little pictures in the margins, and Eitrigg would get all uptight over it when he went to review the forms. Personally I kind of liked the little cartoon stick-figure of Thrall I came up with, with the word balloon going “BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M SO AWESOME,” but that seemed to make Eitrigg especially cranky.
Also, I think this might explain why Baine’s last few reports have come in kind of late.
Taktani said: So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: After my birthdaycake, Baine’s irate advisors demanded he send me to Ashenvale. It’s pretty in Ashenvale! It’s all sparkly and glittery. I hope you like glitter, which I say without irony because I’ve clearly never met you or formed any accurate sense of your actual personality. I sent you some, collected directly from the trees of Ashenvale, which ooze glitter in the same way normal trees exude sap.
OMG NOT THE FUCKING GLITTER AGAIN. If there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale, other than the demonic influence, and the Alliance strongholds, and the fact that our western operations are being inexplicably stymied by the fucking Thistlefur furbolgs, and the lingering bitterness of my mother appearing to have been killed in Demon Fall Canyon, and the less said about my whole bright idea with the magnataur the better…yeah, other than that stuff, if there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale? THE FUCKING GLITTER.
Taktani said: And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun.
TranslationMaster2000: And I met Utvoch again! He read me your answer to my last letter from his computer. I want a computer, too. They look like fun.
Okay, so I guess she must have crossed paths with Dontrag and Utvoch while he was on his way back to Stonetalon after the post-Theramore non-celebration business. Also you’ll notice from that last sentence just how unnatural it is to see someone talking about just ONE of the Dumbass Duo. I have to admit I’m more than a little disturbed by this. I’m not sure if Taktani somehow missed the fact that there was a SECOND imbecile there, or if something even more baffling happened and something actually SEPARATED those two, which as far as I know has only happened once before and it took the insistence of a fucking DRAGON ASPECT to make happen.
And speaking of disturbing details, is anybody else starting to really, really worry that the writer who penned this literary masterpiece of a letter is apparently hanging out with UTVOCH? And…now wants a computer? Does anyone else see this potential perfect storm of virtual brain cancer in the making?
So, you know what? No. No, you can’t have a computer. Ever.
Taktani said: He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
TranslationMaster 2000 says: Utvoch was playing Earth Online. That looks fun, too, which is a peculiar thing to say, insofar as most MMO’s barely even look fun to the people actually playing them. He said you also play Earth Online, Mr. Warchief. Can I play, too?
No. No, you can’t. You cannot play Earth Online too. A thousand gallons of no. See the reasons above, then add about 73 additional ones. For instance, here’s #27: I do not want to get stuck being the one having to explain to her the “Anal [Class Ability]” jokes in trade chat. (Especially if I feel like I came up with a particularly clever one, because it just plain spoils the fun when you have to explain your own jokes.)
Also, random thought here, but some of these translations are a lot more pointed than I would have expected. Go figure.
Anyway, Taktani…instead of getting a computer and playing Earth Online — neither of which things you should ever do, like ever in the everest of ever — I’d recommend knocking yourself out up there in Ashenvale on all the busywork very important missions we have up there. If you run out of things to do over there, maybe swing by Stonetalon. Wait, hang on, D&U are in Stonetalon, scratch that. Try Desolace instead. Desolace or the Southern Barrens. On paper those areas might be a little dangerous for you, but who are we kidding? We’re way too conservative sizing up the danger levels of the different territories, and most of the time when we send people to their assignments they just wind up facerolling shit. Be a little ambitious. Go nuts. Which I kinda think you might already have, anyway.
I think that’s about as much as my will to live can take for one day, so let’s wrap it up here and be back in a couple weeks with more reader mail. As always, keep those e-mails coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.
Monday mailbag
So yeah, I know I’m just getting this mailbag in under the wire for it to count as Monday, but whatever, it’s hard to get a stable internet connection out here in the fucking swamp. I’m writing from the field as we make our final march into Dustwallow Marsh. I figured I haven’t answered any mail for a while, so it might be good to offer up a few messages from the my loyal Horde minions before we but a roflstomping on the humans.
Let’s see what we’ve got…
Written on a heavy parchment in multicolored inks, the first impression of this letter is one of chaos. Small sketches of Tauren, prairie wolves, swoops, and other sights of Mulgore clutter the margins, at times encroaching on the text itself. The sketches are obviously done quickly, but with moderate skill; the subjects are clearly recognizable even though the drawings are rough and unfinished. In contrast, the words meander across the page, crooked and shaky, with the occasional backwards letter. Many times a word will be started in one color of ink and finished in another, as if the writer got distracted halfway through the word.
Dear Mistr Warcheif Sir,
I have a question, and the nice ork Mistr U told me to write to you and ask. Hes visiting, and hes been reel nice to me. He talks a lot. Sumtimes I cant ask him anything because he talks too much. But he told me to ask you. He said you would kno. I wanted to ask if brown orks taste diffrent than green orks. Do green orks taste like mint? Are brown orks chocklate? Tauren taste like fur. Why are you brown when the other orks are green? Did you eat too much chocklate? Everyone tells me I cant eat too much chocklate, itll make me sick. Did you get sick from chocklate? Mistr U needs to go now, so I have to stop riting and give this to him.
The letter is signed with a large, inky pawprint, a small sketch of a Tauren druid in cat form, and the shaky name “Taktani,” with every letter in a different color ink.
Um…
Hmm…
Well…
<scratches head>
The FUCK is this?
Okay, so I get that the talkative orc this person is talking about is probably Utvoch… I mean, starts with “U” and talks too much, how many of those could there be? And I guess this is good since it confirms D&U must still be alive in the restored timeline after…well…you know. Um…I GUESS that’s a good thing. Not sure what Utvoch is doing in Mulgore rather than Vindication Hold up in Stonetalon, but whatever. I guess being killed in the line of duty earns you a little R&R time.
As for you, Taktani…um, no, brown orcs don’t taste like chocolate, and green orcs don’t taste like mint. Although it IS kind of funny thinking of that, since it would mean, what, Thrall and Aggra are going to have mint chocolate chip babies? Heh. But no, we just taste like….orc. I mean for real, I get enough attention from the ladies as it is, what with me being Warchief and dead sexy and all — last thing I need is for word to start getting around that I taste like chocolate too. Dude, I won’t be able to walk down the fucking STREET.
Anyway, Taktani, thanks for writing just the same. Hopefully you’ve outgrown Tauren Kindergarten-Land in Mulgore, and are off doing some bigger-kid stuff. The Horde can always use more good soldiers, especially on my watch with me looking far and wide for ways to keep the troops busy. Ashenvale’s looking pretty nice this time of year, if I can make a recommendation. Just don’t get too much of the damn night elf glitter in your eyes.
I’m writing’ to ya from one of our ships headin’ down to Theramore! I’m on a boat, mon!
Make sure ya watch it to da end, mon!
–Bob, S.S. Echo Isles
I… he… what the hell IS this, the mailbag of WTF?!
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this Bob guy managed to dig up a new and creative way to be stupid. Funny, though, I’m pretty sure that’s the song I’ve been hearing Vol’jin humming to himself for most of the trip down. Maybe it’s some kind of a troll thing…
Time is short, in more ways than one. I’m writing this for those of us on the road to Theramore.
The hour of assault approaches. There may be some who doubt why we’re here. Why we’re doing this. Why we must. The reason can be given in one word: Taurajo. A hunters’ camp, not a military target, annihilated by marauding Alliance soldiers. Soldiers, I say? I misspoke: they weren’t soldiers, they were bandits. Bandits supplied, equipped, and brought to Kalimdor through one place and one place only.
That is why Theramore must burn.
That is also why I make what may sound like a peculiar request. When we make the final assault, those of us who aren’t compelled otherwise should wear Thunder Bluff’s colors. Not only will this show our solidarity with our Tauren brothers, it will also remind those cowards why we come. To remind them that Justice neither relents, nor sleeps.
For the Horde! And for Taurajo!
–A Concerned Citizen
Now THAT’S what I’m talking about! Go to it, ACC, lay some truth on them motherfuckers! I’ve got to say, one thing that’s fucking infuriated me on this trip has been seeing how many of our people HAVEN’T on board with me with the post-Taurajo hate. Check this out — I even heard a rumor that Baine was telling people that Taurajo was a legitimate military target, and the human commander at least gave the civilians room to flee, and he wonders if we’ll conduct ourselves as honorably. This is BAINE talking. BAINE. THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? In what backwards-ass universe am I more pissed off about Camp T than chieftain of the fucking tauren?!
Anyway, I’m definitely encouraging the troops to follow your suggestion, ACC. And on that note, we’re about to spit up the force for the final march. I’ll update again soon…can’t wait to see the looks on the humans’ faces. I’ve got a little surprise planned for them…
Monday mailbag
Well, in my last mailbag, I asked you all to send in pictures of your Earth Online pets, and you obliged! Let’s get to it, and see what everyone’s sporting for vanity companions these days. Before Land Down Under comes out, and they introduce like 200 new companion pets, and everybody loses their fucking minds.
I just finished my rep grind a few days after your call for submissions. I picked out a small puffball of a dog (I think the breed is called Pomeranian) that would be a tasty snack for my raptor Masher if the dog was out in Azeroth. He gets along well with my minions (I get 4 because I am a Stay at Home Mom class) and loves to clean up the food they leave behind so I save time on cleaning. He even washes my dishes for me. My smallest minion is also my most messy so she and the dog get along well because she is always a source of dropped food for him.
–Toka, Orgrimmar
Hey Toka. Interesting with the Mom minions. I’m guessing that works pretty much the same as the minions I get from the Teacher class. Although, from the sound of it, you have to feed yours, which I don’t. But then, I do have to keep a steady supply of lessons coming, so I’m guessing it’s probably a similar mechanic, just with the serial numbers filed off. Come to think of it, I bet there’s a lot of overlap between the minion mechanics for the Mom and Teacher classes. If you don’t do a good job staying on top of yours, do they run the risk or rebelling on you too? That’s a pain in the ass.
I also did the Humane Society quests to pick up a dog. Actually, I also did a “rescue” quest a while back, but Jamie died of old age a few years back. Not long after that, I got Duke here from the Humane Society.
He’s an Austealian Shepherd — a shout-out of sorts to the next expansion. Duke’s quite a bit bigger than your terrier … which, mostly, just means that he costs more in-game currency to feed.
And a bit of advice for Hannahlee … seriously, just show up and start training. That application thing is just for show. Your qualifcations, or lack thereof, will soon be obvious. Possibly painfully obvious. (Which is where the priest trainees come in…)
Now, I need to get back to that “acceptance test” raid that my guild is running…
— A Concerned Citizen
Now see, ACC, that’s kind of interesting. I didn’t know these pets could die of old age. Or of anything, really. Now I’m going to be all paranoid about running across the street when I have Sawyer out for fear of getting him hit or something. Do they have leashes in Earth Online?
Also, I like the fact that this dog is an Australian Shepherd. Since you mentioned having him going back a few years, that just shows you that the devs really did have this whole Australian expansion in mind going back a long time. So seriously, all you people who’ve been whining about LDU being a big joke expansion and “OMG Australians?!” — it’s been in the lore for fucking ever so have a Kaja-Cola and a smile and shut the fuck up.
Here are two pics of my companion pets.
Picture one is actually a couple of years or so old. It is of my eldest son and our dog “Boo.” Boo was an Australian Shepherd, and passed away a couple of years ago. She was a great dog.
The second pic is of our cat “Darcy.” She is still around and ruling the roost. Typical cat.
Your loyal Reader,
–Zwingli
Well I’ll be damned, another Australian Shepherd, huh? I guess you and ACC must have done the same quest, huh, Zwingli? Another one dying of old age, though. I guess this really must be a game feature I haven’t noticed. Maybe I just missed this since I haven’t even been playing for a year yet, so I just haven’t been around long enough to notice pets getting older and dying? Or is this an Australian Shepherd thing specifically? Or wait, is this “dying of old age” thing mean there’s a limited number of charges on summoning the dog, and that’s just the turn of phrase players use to refer to running out?
Anyway, it’s sad to lose your pet — I know I won’t be a happy camper if I ever run out of charges on Sawyer — but I guess you have to give the devs credit for being that committed to realism. You know, other than the fact that YOU can die like a hundred times and just pop back to life like nothing happened.
Also, Zwingli, do you play one of the Mom / Dad classes like Toka? I notice you have a minion like hers in the first picture. I also like the fact that it looks like you can set your companion pet to protect your minion. Come to think of it, that would sort of make sense, seeing as the dog is a Shepherd. Still a neat feature.
Here are screenshots of our dog pets we got with rep! I like the idle position – if you stop moving for a while it just lays down and plays dead! It seems the other one is way more spastic though, and barks a lot more. I can’t quite get it to idle like the other one. I had to turn in-game sounds off because it wouldn’t shut up! They’re pretty cute though and I was told I couldn’t get a third because they tax my computer’s resources way too much. Stupid rules!
–Roika Dark, Brill
Well I’ll be damned, speaking of repeating breeds, Roika, looks like your dogs are West Highland terriers like mine. The one in the first picture in particular looks like he would be a kindred spirit with Sawyer, seeing as he’s a lazy little butterball. Not sure what to make of the problem you seem to be having with the barking, though. My dog hardly ever makes a peep — don’t know if it’s just that I have a lousy audio card, or if there’s something that procs the barking that I’m not doing, or what. So anyway, since you have the same terriers as I do, I’m guessing you did the same rescue quest? How fucked up is that puppy mill sub-zone? I swear, on those rare occasions when I get in a cranky mood, I still go back there just to beat the snot out of the millers some more. I didn’t know the quest was repeatable, though… Something to keep in mind.
You wanted to know about our EO pets so here’s some pix of mine. I got them through a rescue quest. A friend of a friend was LFG and as things worked out, I was there to lend a helping hand. They try help me, but are easily distracted by food.
Strength and Honor,
–Zug Zug
Ah, another rescue quest, huh? I only really noticed the puppy mill quests for dogs, but I guess it stands to reason there would be some rescue quests for cats too. I wonder if there are any other animals you can get from those. From what I remember, cats are the only type of pet that you can buy outright from the Humane Society based on rep.
I saw you be wantin’ ta see our Eart’ Online pets, so I figured you be likin’ dis one. I been spendin’ a long time lookin’ for da right one, mon!
I tink he be likin’ you!
–Bob, Echo Isles
WTF!!! You know what?! I’ll bet you anything THAT’S NOT REALLY THAT GUY’S PET! And hey, guess what else, asshole? If that IS your cat, then your cat’s a fucking IDIOT, because its spelling and grammar is fucking TERRIBLE. Fucking illiterate virtual cat.
Hello, mighty warchief of the Horde!
I write in answer to your call of pictures with our Earth Online pet…
There you can see Ravi, a European Longhair Cat, who is my steadfast companion as I adventure on that strange virtual planet.
FOR THE HORDE!!!!
Faithfully yours *hint hint*
–Uukra
You know, after all the time Uukra has spent e-flirting with me in these mailbags, I suppose it was just a matter of time before she started sending me pictures of her…erm…never mind.
Hey Garosh
I’ve been a pet colecter for a long time in EO so its great to be able to show off a little – some of these are prety rare it realy took me a long time to find them all. You asked for it!
These are my dogs – the black shepherd mix is Kismet, and the golden retriever is Cosmos.
Then there are my cats – Tiger, Cage, and Salem.
Now for the realy intristing ones!
These are my snakes – Medusa (the black one) and Hades (the white one). I got them from a quest in New Mexico and I had to choos one of them but the next week their was a server problem and the quest got reset so i got to go back and do it again and get the other one 🙂
I also got a scorpion off a rare spawn in Africa. I havnt givin him a name though because I’ve mostly been more worried about making shure he doesn’t sting me he has already stung three people in my guild and there toons died!
So after running around getting all these pets I finaly got my Zookeeper achievement and look at the bonus pet I got! So so cute he is an African pygmie hedgehog I named him Moe.
Sory if I spamed you with pictures!
–Eravia
HOLY CRAP that’s a shit ton of pets. Some crazy ones in there too, Eravia, nice job hunting them all down. How many can you have out at once? I could kinda see there being some predator problems if you got too many of them out at once.
Also, based on your writing, I’m guessing you went to school at the same place as Bob’s cat from a couple letters ago?
I know things must be kind of tense between you and Saurfang right now, but I have to ask — has he had any funny noob moments since he started playing Earth Online? I know when I finally convinced my girlfriend to give it a try, she had a lot of little moments, like not realizing your auto-attack toggles on so she kept spamming her 1 key. Any good ones from Saurfang?
–Dedrin, Booty Bay
First of all, Dedrin, I call shenanigans. Your girlfriend? Everybody knows gamer nerds don’t have girlfriends, and girls don’t play Earth Online (you know, other than all the ones in my guild). People make both those points all the time on the internet, so they must be true. I don’t know who you think you’re fooling.
The funny thing about Saurfang is that even though he’s been flying along leveling like a motherfucker, he IS making all these noob mistakes…and yet stuff STILL keeps breaking his way like crazy. It’s kind of incredible, really. You know that expression about falling out of a tree and landing on your feet? Well, Saurfang keeps falling out of trees, and then landing in another, cooler tree that sprouts up spontaneously right next to the first tree, only this new tree has cushioned recliner branches and grows strippers, thousand-dollar bills, and chilled kegs of beer.
Here, let me give you a for-instance.
Saurfang was doing a quest hunting bears and collecting stolen picnic baskets in one of the national park sub-zones. So you know how your in-game map gets that blue blob on it to show where your quest mobs are? Saurfang was looking at it and asked me if that’s where he needed to go for the bears and baskets. I told him yes, and he said something like “For a moment, I thought it looked like water.” Which, okay, that’s kind of cute in a noobish way, right? Yeah, except when Saurfang actually GOT there? The whole damn area got hit with a giant flood clear out of nowhere. Which killed all the bears. Which somehow he got quest credit for just by being there. And all the picnic baskets came floating up to the surface, so he just swam a quick lap around and gathered them up and off he went on his way back to Park Ranger Smith.
The fuck?
That does it for this week, but Dedrin there gives me another idea. For the next mailbag in a couple weeks, let’s hear from everybody about their Earth Online noob moments! I bet there are some good stories out there about people coming face-to-face with their inner Dontrag and Utvoch.
Also don’t forget to check in tomorrow night — there’s lots going on and I’m planning to have some updates going up then.
More eye candy
The last few days (while I’ve been recovering from my latest round of WTFs) I’ve had Spazzle sorting through more of the photos that you all have been sending in, and incorporating them into the blog. There’s still a ton left for him to work on, so you can expect more pics to break up the walls of text every so often. Thanks as always to everyone who’s been sending in pictures to help pimp out the Command Board — and remember, there are still a ton of posts that either have no pictures at all, or could still benefit from some extra illustration (a caption-friendly pic for some of the transcripts would be especially cool, I think). So, you have your homework — get out there!
In the meantime, here’s credit-where-it’s-due for the folks who’ve had their contributions added the last couple of days:
Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate:
- Visiting Zoram’gar (9/14/11)
Regular reader and commenter Eravia:
- Camp Taurajo (10/27/11)
Khizzara from Blog of the Treant:
- Another sampling (9/6/11)
Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth:
- Visiting the Barrens (9/2/2011)
- Visiting Ashenvale (9/8/2011)
- Magatha (12/3/2011)
- Gordunni leads (12/14/2011)
- The story so far (12/18/2011)
- Love was in the air (2/23/2012)
Regular reader and commenter ZugZug:
- Arrival at the Undercity (6/7/2012)
And finally, a bunch more of my own that I’ve added to:
- Monday mailbag (9/5/2011)
- Speaking of Sylvanas… (9/13/2011)
- Monday mailbag (10/3/2011)
- Thal’darah Grove (10/8/11)
- The Last Stands of Sylvanas (4/13/2012)
Finally, one last shout out to Rioriel for the header picture on this post, which totally doesn’t connect to the actual content of the post in any way, but I can’t really think of a way to use it anywhere else and it’s just too damn awesome not to put on the blog somewhere, because SRSLY LOOK AT THAT SHIT.
One last note — last call for your contributions to this coming Monday’s mailbag. Remember, last time I asked all you Earth Online pet owners to write in with pictures of your in-game companion pets. If you haven’t yet (AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DON’T THINK I DON’T), hurry up and get to it! And as always, general letters and questions for your Warchief are always welcome. Send (d) all the above to garrosh1337@gmail.com — YOUR WARCHIEF DEMANDS IT!
Monday mailbag
You know how this works. Here we go…
I took a bit of a break from Orgrimmar–I was out on my own for a few years and kind of managed to miss the whole “war in Northrend” thing and was honestly a little surprised to see you in charge when I got back. Yeah, I was really out in the boonies and didn’t hear word of anything going on.
Anyway, when I got back and checked out my bank I found a lot of useless junk along with a surprise–two severed night elf heads. I was feeling a little “frisky” in my youth and during one particularly long battle in Alterac Valley, I bagged a few trophies. I made a little pile of most of them and now they’re who knows where, but I still have these two night elf noggins.
My questions to you are:
1) If you had two severed night elf heads, what would you do with them?
2) Why are these things still in pristine condition even though they are at least three years old?
Thanks for your insight,
–Grixar, the grumpy old orc shaman
Hey, Grixar, and welcome back. Hopefully your time away gave you a chance to clear your head and come back ready to curbstomp some humans again. Still…missing the whole war in Northrend? And the fact that I took over as Warchief for Thrall? Really? Where the hell did you GO, man? Did they not have newspapers there? Heralds? Seers? How deep was this cave you went and hid in?
I mean, okay, I guess you wanted some time to get away from it all. Who am I to judge? Oh wait, hang on a second, I’m the FUCKING WARCHIEF, that’s who.
You DID hear that we won up there in Northrend, right? And the Lich King is dead? And Bolvar Fordragon died with him? Oh, and also Deathwing turned up again, which kind of made mess of the place for a while, you may or may not have noticed. Don’t you worry, though, because – in case you missed it – Thrall or Go’el or whatever the fuck he’s calling himself this week, that dude went off with the Earthen Ring and the Dragon Aspects and the Bilgewater goblins at one point (don’t ask) to feed his messianic ego some more – just what he needed, right? – and went all “OMG IM TOTALLY SAVIN ALL TEH WORLDZ HERE GAIZ” but still managed to squeeze in time to get his groove on for once. Did you hear?
Dude, seriously, you’re reading a blog. Pop on a Google news feed every once in a while.
As for your questions…
Question #1: This one is easy. I would swing by Hyjal and give them to our old buddy Antlers McBeardyface. Why? Because what with him being married to Tyrande Whatshername, that would probably be the first night elf head he’s gotten in about 10,000 years. OH YES I SAID IT.
Question #2: This one is a little trickier to wrap your head around, but it’s sort of straightforward when you come right down to it. Basically, Grixar, it goes back to the whole “immortality” thing that the night elves used to have going for them. Short version: the fuckers just don’t decay. Or if they do, it happens really, REALLY slowly. Go ahead, kill a night elf (please!) and stick him in the ground. Then come back ten years later. (Don’t worry, I’ll wait.) (No I won’t. Come back here, you idiot, and stop being so damn literal.) Dig him up again and see if there’s been any change at all to the body. Spoilers: THERE HASN’T.
Fucked up, huh? So much for those night elves being such high-and-mighty tree-hugging nature-lovers, right? Everybody else dies and gets buried and their bodies nourish the land and feed the plants which feed the animals which feed ME, especially if they’re pigs because bacon. But the night elves? They die and go “FUCK YOU, CIRCLE OF LIFE!” – which is not only dickish but also creepy as hell what with them being dead when they say it.
Anyway, yeah, that’s the deal with your collection of night elf heads. By all means, now that you’re back, start adding to it again. And can I recommend some humans? Oh, and gnomes. Don’t forget to kill lots of gnomes. They’re little – you can kill a bunch of them in the middle of the afternoon and you’ll still have plenty of room to kill some more humans at dinnertime.
Gamon’s a quiet guy and all, but a bit touchy. Go tap him on the shoulder in the inn and you’ll see what I mean. Since the Shattered Hand cut him out of their training program and he started fighting back instead of just playing dead for a couple minutes, some folks have been taking advantage of his hair trigger and sending noobs over to “get to know him”, just to watch the inevitable horrible cleavage happen.
What he’s more likely thinking about, though, is when the occasional group of alliance adventurers find their way inside Orgrimmar to start some trouble. It’s like he tunes out in that bar, so sometimes we gotta get him chasing us outside before he notices the alliance and gets to work. Always worth it to for the look on their faces – I mean, the lad swings a mean axe but doesn’t really look all that dangerous.
–Infaris, Orgrimmar
Wait, you wanna see “horrible cleavage”? Swing by Deepholme sometime and go say hi to Therazane. Eeeeeeeeeesh.
Seriously, though, I’m not surprised that Gamon’s got some serious cleaving going for him. He and Saurfang are old drinking buddies, did you know? Well, maybe not OLD old, but going back before I got here, so that still counts as before relevant history, right? Anyhow, doesn’t surprise me that Gamon may have picked up a trick or two.
But also, this business where someone needs to get Gamon’s attention when there are Alliance in Orgrimmar brings up another good point. Seems to me that we need a better invader alert system here. On more than one occasion, an Alliance strike force has hit Orgrimmar, and gotten all the way in to my command room in Grommash Hold without anyone other than my Kor’kron guards knowing they were there. I mean, half the time I’ll be slugging it out with them, and even then nobody’s aware of what’s going on, since I figure it they did, half the damn city would be rushing in to help me fight them off. But nope, not a soul. I’ve got to figure we’re just lacking a system to let the Orgrimmar public at large know “Hey, in case you weren’t aware, there’s like forty Allies in Garrosh’s room.” Not that I need any help with them, really – if anything, it’s kind of funny to watch dozens of Alliance come rushing on in just to get their asses handed to them – but it just seems like the kind of them we should really be on top of more than we seem to be.
I was curious about what your helm size is. My greatmother is an amazing knitter and wants to knit you a helm liner for those chilly trips up to Northrend. She seems to think that because I am in the military that I am close friends with you and is pestering me to ask you this, I am sorry if this offends or annoys you in any way shape or form.
Deepest regards,
–Toka
See, that’s kind of a tough one. I used to be a 9 1/4 back in the day, but then there was that incident in Icecrown Citadel when Tirion wouldn’t SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. So I tried to cover my ears so tight that I wound up squeezing my own head down a few sizes. Best guess I could give you would be…around 7 1/2, maybe? 7 3/4? Not really sure. Also since I didn’t squeeze my head down evenly, I’m working with sort of an irregular helm size, which makes me that much trickier to shop for.
Actually, tell you what. Let me see if Grixar from a couple letters ago can loan me one of those night elf heads. If it’s a decent match, size-wise, I’ll just send it to you and you can pass it on to your greatmother. And hell, if it’s not a decent match, I’ll see what I can do about crunching it down some until it IS. Then your greatmother can have it right there when she’s knitting, which will be extremely handy and NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT CREEPY AT ALL.
See? Your Warchief is nothing if not an outside-the-box problem-solver.
I am an aspiring soldier of the Horde in Eversong Woods. When I first began adventuring, I started training as a Rogue. I was a little nervous about combat, so I thought it would be helpful to be able to sneak around invisible.
Recently, however, the academy in Silvermoon added a Warrior program to its curriculum. I think this would be a good field to go into. I know I do well at melee combat, and I enjoy dual wielding swords. As a Warrior I could still do these things, plus I could use much better armor and be less squishy. Also I hear that they usually get the Elite Tauren Chieftains to perform at their Spring Fling concert.
I am writing to ask if you would consider writing me a letter of recommendation for my transfer to the Silvermoon Academy. I think a recommendation from a celebrated Warrior like yourself would help my application a great deal. I have enclosed copies of my transcripts and extracurricular records. Please let me know what you think.
Thank you,
–Hannahlee Mihano, Fairbreeze Village
Glad to hear you’ve come to your senses, Hannahlee, and decided to stop sneaking around like a little girl and start cleaving your foes into pieces like a man. Except for how I guess you actually are a girl. But whatever. Point is, warrior is definitely the way to go, and as a matter of fact, let me tell you the one thing I do know about rogues, which you’ll learn for yourself once you get the hang of warrioring: they are delicious.
I don’t know what kind of operation they’ve got going on up there in Silvermoon, especially seeing whatever “instructors” they’ve got in the warrior program would only have been warriors themselves for, what, like a year or something. But whatever. I looked over your materials and you look like you’d be a decent enough candidate, other than how you obviously mailed it in that one semester (seriously, a C+ in Survey of Thelassian Music?). So I’ve gone ahead and sent a letter along for you. Here, have a copy for yourself:
Dear elf school,
Some blood elf named Hannahlee wrote to me and asked me to recommend her for warrior training at your school. To be totally frank, I’ve never met her or talked to her before in my life, so I know pretty much nothing about her and have no idea if she’s any good as a fighter or anything. Then again I also know nothing whatsoever about your school and what you do there, so sounds like a match to me. So in my professional capacity as somebody who knows a thing or two about warriors – and also, by the way, I’m Warchief of the Horde, which kind of makes me your boss on top of it all – I’m recommending her for admission. Mainly because she wrote to me out of the blue and asked me to. At least she was nice about it. Come to think of it, though, she didn’t actually say “please,” so maybe you could teach her some fucking manners while she’s there.
Indifferently yours,
Garrosh Hellscream
There, that should take care of that. On the off chance this doesn’t work out for you, Hannahlee, I think there’s also a school over in Brill, so I could put in a good word for you with Sylvanas if you want.
A friend of mine just linked me to your blog and I read through all the archives (took a while LOL) and OMG! You play Earth Online?! Me too! I looked you up in the Directory and I see we’re on different servers. 🙁 I was totally bummed. Maybe I’ll transfer so I can play with you guys!
I’m so excited because I finally managed to get enough rep with the Humane Society so I could get a cat pet! I’ve wanted one for so long! We have a lot of cats here in the Sunspire but they don’t really belong to anyone they just sorta hang out here but they’re so cute and fun to watch while they play and hunt and stuff. They sure make the day go by a lot faster. We’re kinda in the middle of nowhere so I’m not the busiest merchant ever LOL. Anyway now I can have a cat to keep me company in game just like the real cats keep me company in real life.
I’m sending you a picture of him! Isn’t he the cutest thing ever? Do you have any in-game pets yet? I bet you have a cat too because you like wyverns and wyverns are kinda like cats crossed with bats and scorpids or something. LOL
Come visit me next time you’re in Silvermoon! I’ll give you some Honey Bread on the house. 😉
–Shara Sunwing.
Well, Shara, I…wait a minute. This thing with the honey bread, is this actual literal honey bread we’re talking about, or is it some kind of euphemism? Because in that case, hoo boy, here we go again.
Okay, moving on.
Yeah, um, it’s a real tragedy we’re on different servers. Oh well, that’s the way it goes sometimes. I do remember the Humane Society grind, though – kind of long and annoying, but not nearly as bad as the Hipster Collective. Have you done THAT rep grind? It’s infuriating. There’s this bizarre diminishing returns system in place where if too many other people are doing the same dailies that you’re on, you get this debuff called “Mainstream” and the quests give you way way less rep. Every once in a while you can get some extra rep for some totally random obscure thing you do, usually something that nobody in their right mind would think to do, but that doesn’t nearly offset the nuisance of constantly having to find quests that not many other people are working on. There isn’t even any real benefit to getting rep with the Hipsters, just an achievement that people try to get just for the sake of getting it. Fucking Hipsters.
Anyway, though, I did work up my rep with the Humane Society and got one of the pets. In my case, though, I didn’t get a cat. I decided to pick up one of the quests that open up at exalted to get a dog. And since we’re sharing screenshots from the game, what the hell, here’s mine:
So there you go. His name is Sawyer and I think he’s some variety of dog called a “terrier.” Plenty entertaining, too – if I have him out with me outdoors, he’ll stare down other animals way bigger than him and send them running. Badass little fucker. Kind of fitting for my companion pet, right?
Which gets me thinking…I know a lot of my readers also play Earth Online – hell, people are constantly bringing it up in blog comments and on Twitter. So, how about this – for my next mailbag, why don’t you Earth Online pet collectors write in and share a screenshot of YOUR pets, too. Might be kinda cool to see what all is out there. Maybe some of you guys have some cool obscure ones that not everyone even knows about. Probably got bonus rep from the Hipsters for getting it, too. Fucking Hipsters.
So anyhow, Shara, one last thing before I forget – since you’ve finished reading the archives of the blog, here, let me give you something else to fill up your online reading time: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-on_sentence. You’re welcome.
That does it for this time. As always, keep those letters and questions coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com, and for next time, if you’re an Earth Online player with a cool companion pet, like I said, write in and let us know, and in the next mailbag I’ll post a big ol’ gallery o’ digital animals. YOUR WARCHIEF HAS SPOKEN.
Eye candy
So, a couple weeks ago I put the word out that I was looking for pictures to add to the posts here at the Command Board, and a whole bunch of you stepped up to the plate. As some of you might have noticed, over the last few days I’ve had Spazzle working overtime incorporating the images and updating the posts with proper credit. But I thought it would also be good to take the time here to acknowledge everyone who’s provided contributions so far, and make note of where some of the new goodies are for those of you who’d rather go right to the posts in question.
(Personally I think you should just go back to the beginning of the blog, reread everything, and find the new pictures as you get to them, but hey, that’s just me. SOME people, I guess, are just too lazy to take a second pass through a FUCKING LITERARY MASTERPIECE.)
So, with no further ado, some much deserved thanks goes out to…
Angelya from Revive and Rejuvenate, whose images have been added to the posts:
- Visiting Desolace (11/5/11)
- Hunting Skarr (12/19/11)
- Pertaining to Incursions against the Twilight’s Hammer and Grimtotem (1/25/12)
- Midnight oil (5/18/12)
- A sort of homecoming (7/14/12)
Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, whose images have been added to the posts:
- Mission accomplished (2/29/12)
- Mag’hari house guest (3/11/12)
- Back to Azeroth (6/3/12)
Rioriel from Postcards From Azeroth, who generously donated the pre-photoshopped versions of a mountain of his images — which have been added to the posts:
- WTF!! (9/22/11)
- Victory in Silithus (2/1/12)
- All that you can’t leave behind (5/14/12)
- I am become death (5/21/12)
- Thunderlord Stronghold (5/30/12)
- Long live the king (5/31/12)
- So much for the Frostwolves (6/6/12)
- So it goes (6/18/12)
- Durnholde Keep (6/20/12)
- Knights of the Silver (withered) Hand (6/27/12)
- I see undead people (7/10/12)
Clara from Come Get tha Voodoo, whose awesome nighttime shot of Cenarion Hold originally appeared in enhanced form over at Postcards From Azeroth — Rioriel included this image in the batch he’d sent me, and rightly noted that Come Get tha Voodoo should get proper credit. The image in question has been added to:
- Ahn’Qiraj (12/31/11)
Rades from Orcish Army Knife, whose images have been added to the posts:
- Cliffwalker Post (10/9/11)
- Spazzle Speaks (10/10/11)
Regular reader and commenter ZugZug, whose images have been added to the posts:
- Awesome job, Mokvar (12/16/11)
- Where’s Garrosh? (1/14/12)
- YOUR WARCHIEF IS A GENIUS (6/14/12)
And, finally, for those of you keeping score at home, I’ve added some of my own snapshots to a bunch more of the posts, specifically:
- Of wyverns and pine cones (3/29/12)
- Welcome to <Warchief> (4/30/12)
- Lifetime piling up (5/17/12)
- Where did all the words go? (6/11/12)
- Darkmoon day trip (7/6/12)
- Special delivery from Southshore (7/12/12)
Thanks to everybody who’s sent contributions in so far. And by all means, keep them coming — if you think you’ve got some pictures from your travels that would fit well with any of the posts here, send them along to me. Even if the post you’re thinking of already has a header image, send it along — I might still work it into the post somehow, or, who knows, it might turn out to be handy for an upcoming post. The important thing is that you’re joining in and becoming part of the team. Because YOUR WARCHIEF IS NOTHING IF NOT A BUILDER OF COMMUNITY.
That’s all for today. Mailbag this Monday — be sure to get those last-minute letters and questions in to garrosh1337@gmail.com by Sunday afternoon to make the final cut! YOUR WARCHIEF DEMANDS IT.
Spazzle Speaks: Darkmoon Edition
What’s up? Spazzle here, everyone. A few days back, Garrosh offered me the chance to guest-write something this week. I thought today might be a good day to do it, since the Warchief and I had crossed paths at the Darkmoon Faire over the weekend, and I thought you all might enjoy a different perspective on what happened.
I went to the Faire with my cousin Khizzara. She really liked the tonk demolition game, probably because it merged two of her great loves: engineering gadgets and blowing things up. She managed to pester Finlay Coolshot into letting her tinker with the tonks. She kept attaching all kinds of gadgets to the tonks, tweaking the motors, all kinds of things like that…most of which worked out pretty well right up until the point where her tonk would go flying into something and blow up. Oh well. That’s Khizzara.
We were checking out one of the souvenir kiosks (I swear Khizzara was going to spend all her tokens on fireworks) when I noticed Gurtash at the ring-toss tent. It looked like he was with a draenei girl, trying to win a prize for her. Khizzara and I went over and watched him from a distance. His aim wasn’t too bad, but there was one toss that went far wide of the turtle. Khizzara managed to pull off a save for him, though. When his toss started going wide, she spotted a mouse poking around inside the ring, and cast Polymorph: Turtle on it, just in time. The ring clanged off of the mouse-turned-turtle, and when Jessica the carnie started calling it a miss, I jogged up and pointed out that it looked like Gurtash was trying to hit the other turtle, and it’s not his fault that they have multiple turtles in there without any clear indication of which one he’s supposed to try to hit.
When we were leaving the ring-toss tent, we spotted Garrosh over by Sayge the fortune teller. Khizzara had never actually met Garrosh properly, so I thought I’d bring her over to say hello. When we got there, Garrosh had just finished answering Sayge’s riddles, and he was getting Sayge’s buff spell based on his answers. I introduced Khizzara, and Garrosh was friendly about meeting her (well, friendly for Garrosh…he didn’t swear or anything), apart from seeming a little disoriented for a few seconds. After that, the conversation started to get a little more interesting.
Khizzara and I were about to leave, when Garrosh started to follow along. He said he had an idea about the Death Knight Rises graphic novel I’d loaned him last week, and wanted to know what I thought about it. So that was fine. I was happy enough to talk comics with him, especially since most of the time when I try to raise the subject he calls me a nerd and a pansy and asks why I’m not out practicing melee combat like a grown-up. I was surprised enough that I’d gotten him to take the graphic novel in the first place, so the fact that he wanted to talk about it was a pretty nice bonus.
He walked along with us while he expounded on his idea about the comic. It was actually pretty elaborate and involved, even though he insisted that the idea had just occurred to him a few minutes ago. He said that it seemed to him that The Death Knight Rises presented in understated form a conservative worldview that posited (yes, Garrosh said “posited”) that a flawed order was still worth defending insofar as it still offered a preferable alternative to the chaos that would result from a successful societal upheaval by the disenfranchised, and that the story reflected an underlying anxiety toward the undermining of established power structures.
By the way, even though I’m probably paraphrasing here (I’m nowhere near as good as Mokvar is at getting these kinds of things down word for word), let me emphasize that I’m also not dressing that up at all. This is basically what he said.
I was a little taken aback by this. I basically shrugged off it off and said I thought he might be reading a little too much into the comic, and that it was probably only meant to be taken as a good adventure story. At that point he rolled his eyes and muttered, “Ah, the intentional fallacy. How pedestrian.”
At that point Khizzara leaned over and whispered to me, “Int buff.” Now it made a little more sense.
Garrosh went around with us a little longer, and we were talking about all kinds of things, generally at a much higher level of discourse than I’m accustomed to, when all of a sudden he got a look on his face like something had come to him in a flash. And then he was off and running.
“Hold on, how did I not realize this before?” he said. “He’s Vol’jin!”
“Who’s Vol’jin?” I asked him. “I mean, other than Vol’jin being Vol’jin.”
“BOB, that’s who! That guy who keeps writing in to my mailbag week after week! How did I not think of this? It’s been Vol’jin all this time! And he’s been messing with me! He knows perfectly well the difference between ‘Invincible’ and ‘Invisible’! And that you can’t just sell the Warglaives of Azzinoth! He was just saying those things to bait me into correcting him! And I fell for it! Not to mention that when he said 6 – 6 x 6 = 0, I’m fairly sure he knew that was wrong, too! I’m actually embarrassed I missed that myself – how could I have forgotten my PEMDAS? It should come out to –30, obviously! I can’t believe Vol’jin’s been putting these past me all this time, and I never once put it together until now! What’s WRONG with me?”
He dwelled on Vol’jin trolling him for a while, but then he started running through other odds and ends that he hadn’t noticed before, little mistakes that he felt like he should have known better than to make. Not seeing through Magatha from the outset was the big one, really. But then, after a while, the int buff finally ran out of him, in mid-sentence, no less: “…and for that matter, it occurs to me, something that doesn’t even add up about that time I was attacked at Alcaz Island…um…hang on… What was I saying? Ugh…don’t you hate when you’re about to say something and then it falls right out of your head? Probably nothing important. Whatever.”
By this point the buff was long gone, and Garrosh decided he’d had enough of our company, so he went off on his way to try to find Gurtash. Khizzara and I kept playing some of the carnival games for a while, and I even won enough tokens to finally get my Darkmoon dancing bear! I think I’ll keep fairly quiet about that, and then swing by Grommash Hold sometime after the Warchief’s been dipping into the felweed again. Can’t wait to see the look on his face!
See you all later!
If you ever need anything,
Spazzle
