Tag Archives: stupidity
They grow up so fast
Yesterday I ended up sneaking out of the war room to drop by the Orgrimmar orphanage. It was Gurtash’s birthday — he’s fourteen now, can you believe it? — so I thought I’d treat him to a little hunting trip. Hopefully this would go a little less WTFly than that last fishing trip.
We took the zeppelin to Grom’gol in Stranglethorn. (Have to admit, as we pulled up to the docking tower I took a minute to look around the base and enjoy the fact that we were still there in full force.) From there, we spent most of the day wandering around the jungle hunting tigers, panthers, raptors, a few crocolisks. None of the animals in STV pose any kind of a threat to me, obviously, but I figured they’d be a decent challenge for Gurtash. Turns out, the kid’s actually pretty decent with an axe. I mean, the animals out in Nagrand would make mincemeat of him, but for a kid his age he’s not bad at all. I tried showing him a few extra tricks while we were out there — gotta say, after a couple dozens panthers’ worth of practice, he was getting pretty good at the old “heroic leap away then charge in to stun your target” move.
Since we were locked into hunting mode, I figured we should drop by the Nesingwary camp while we were in the neighborhood, but as it turns out, Hemet Jr. was nowhere to be seen. I guess he took off with the old man a couple weeks ago. Who knows, maybe Hemet Sr. will teach the kid a thing or two and he’ll finally stop being such a clueless fuck-up legacy kid.
While we were wandering around the jungle late in the afternoon, you’ll never guess who Gurtash and I ran into — Ji Firepaw and a few of his junior panda trainees. I guess he had taken them out to STV to get some hunting practice themselves, only now the bunch of them were busy digging some big hole in the ground. When I asked what it was for, Ji said they were setting a trap for a heffalump them were tracking. Which led to my next question: What the fuck is a heffalump? Based on how Ji described them, they sounded kind of like elekks. So I was quick to point out that, you know, elekks are native to Draenor, and so unless there are some dismounted draenei running around here, I’m thinking there wasn’t any such thing in the neighborhood. I tried to explain this to Ji, but all he had to say on the matter was “You can never tell with heffalumps.”
Still, Ji and the Panda Brigade seemed pretty full-on certain that there WAS a bunch of these heffalump things on the loose, and that they’d been tracking them through the jungle, so fine. I asked them to show us the tracks, so they took us to a nearby spot where, sure enough, there were tracks…of the pudgy bear-paw-looking variety. And so Ji went on and on about how they followed one set of tracks through the jungle, and after a while they were joined by more, so they figured there had to be more of these heffalumps grouping up. Maybe to raid ZG, who knows. And while they were explaining all this, mind you, there were taking Gurtash and me around following the tracks…until eventually we’d wandered around in a circle all the way back to where we first found them, and right at that point Ji and the others had a little mini-shitfit, because HOLY CRAP look at that MORE TRACKS. And just…yeah. These guys are for sure going to be difference-makers in this war.
So I finally convinced the pandas to give up on the whole heffalump thing, and we all headed back to Orgrimmar. The pandas tagged along while I brought Gurtash back to the orphanage, because I made the mistake of mentioning it was Gurtash’s birthday, and it took the pandas all of 2.3 seconds to do the mental math that led them to OMG CAKE. To be fair, Ji seemed to hit it off pretty well with Matron Battlewail — the two of them went on chatting for a good long while — and the pandas in general were a pretty big hit with the kids, especially the younger ones.
While I was there, Gurtash showed me a project he was working on for his leatherworking class — a really badass set of flight armor for Mortimer, complete with a heavy-duty embossed harness (just like the one I put on my Winter’s Veil list last year that FOR SOME REASON NOBODY GOT ME) and a headpiece with these big, nasty-looking horns sticking out of it. Really nice job, I’ve got to say, although I’m not sure why they’ve got the kid learning leatherworking when he’s obviously cut out to be a warrior. But whatever.
So that was my day. Gotta say, it’s always nice to have these days away from the war room with Gurtash, not least of all because he actually manages to show a little appreciation, as opposed to the complainers and ingrates I’m usually surrounded by. It’s actually gotten me thinking — Gurtash has been coming around helping with Mortimer and such for almost a year now…maybe it would be a good thing for both of us if he were around all the time. He’s been stuck over at the orphanage since before the Cataclysm…maybe it’s time the kid had a real home again. I don’t know, what do you say? Think I would make a good dad?
Don’t let my legendary axe or legions of heavily armed enforcers influence your answer there at all, by the way.
Monday mailbag
Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered. There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.
So, let’s have at it.
This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:
Dear Warchief,
You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.
F.Y.V.
–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds
Okay, so you know what, Vanicus? That’s just fantastic. Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon. Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around. If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.
One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it. And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.” Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL. Seriously. I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them. And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.
Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area. Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations. It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd. Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean. The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent. Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there? Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?
I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field. So, you know, who am I to criticize?
I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested. I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds. I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming! This was very new and exciting for me. Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture. With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!
I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine. I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here. There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc. I may need to get out of here before I get fat.
–Tandeleina, Halfhill
Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right? Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat? Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing? Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?
Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing. I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there. I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing. Eat, drink, and be merry, right?
Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there? Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE. They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated. I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.
I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent. I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents). Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known. Day by day I continue my research in this area. I believe my findings shall be most profitable.
However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens. I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke. Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:
As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended. Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley. I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.
There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study. For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:
They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain. I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind? So I killed them. The turtles and the mage. Just to be safe.
Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat. Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?
Respectfully Yours,
–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds
Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today? Do you know Tandeleina? Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?
So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables. On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES. Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed. Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something. Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits. Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too? Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone. They’d probably go over like gangbusters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon. And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it. (You trolls wanted more food? WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)
Interesting about the water up there, though. Definitely something to follow up on. I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff. You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples. (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)
What are these “virmen” things, by the way? Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.
This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.
The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Oh boy. Here we go again. Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.
TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired. Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.
…The FUCK?! Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?! Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER. I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.
Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself. I hope.
Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.
I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.
Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.” Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.
Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.
Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?
I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.
I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.
Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings. We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.
I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.
D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around. I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.
Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor… Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland. I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do. Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there. That should keep you occupied for a while. (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)
I have made a grave mistake. I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde. I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join. I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine. It was a big mistake. Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover. I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session. I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that. I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.
Eagerly awaiting your answer,
–Windblossom, Stormwind
You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now. And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.
But you know…
Heh.
In this case, I’ve gotta say…
Hehe. Heh heh. Hehehe heh.
Hehe.
Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.
<looks at picture again>
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!
<chucklecrying>
Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom. F.Y.V.!
That’s it for this week, kids. I need to go find a tissue. Holy shit, my sides hurt.
HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!
Fuck I love my readers.
<snort>
Monday mailbag
So now that THAT whole pain in the ass down in Karazhan is over with, it’s time to get to some overdue mail. Hopefully now that I’m out of the Opera House, nobody will spontaneously burst into song. Although, true fact: much to my surprise, Utvoch turns out to have a downright enchanting singing voice. Who knew?
Anyway, let’s have a look at what we’ve got this time around…
Nothing much to say, but … OOOOHHHHHH YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Naysayers there may be, but they should know this: Theramore was an intact government center, a base for munitions and supplies, and an important logistical link for Alliance forces in the Barrens. It is now none of these things.
(And bonus points for anyone who can recognize the EO NPC I swiped the quote from!)
–A Concerned Citizen
Hey, ACC. Glad you had a good time on the Theramore mission.
That said…look, I’m glad that you’re all-in for this war with the Alliance, and believe you me, it’s nice to have frigging SOMEBODY around here who doesn’t go all “pooh-pooh, oh heavens, how could you, Garrosh?” over every single act of war taken against the fuckers with whom, you know, we’re at war. So that’s all good stuff.
But dude…you’re REALLY enjoying this a little too much. Dial down the bloodthirsty just a LITTLE, will you? And seriously, do you really understand how bad it has to be to make ME have to say that?
Also, I totally know where you got that quote from, but I’ll hold off on saying anything so everyone else can have a crack at it in the comments or the next batch of letters. I’ll give you all a hint, though — the NPC that ACC is riffing on isn’t someone you interact with directly in the game, but he shows up in one of those cut scenes that they use to fill in some of the in-game backstory. Now have at it, lore nerds — AND NO GOOGLING!
This letter arrives with the crumbling remains of what might have once been a piece of cake, and when opened, fills the reader’s lap with loose glitter. It is written in multiple colors of ink, liberally dusted with more glitter. In the margins are sketches, mostly of Ashenvale, though orcs feature prominently near the bottom. The handwriting is shaky and wanders across the page, but is mostly legible.
Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,
It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it. After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad. So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum. And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun. He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
The letter is signed with an inked pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.
Hoo boy.
Okay, well, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I think her spelling is at least a little better than last time.
Slightly.
Okay, yeah, maybe not. HEAD HURTS.
Luckily, I think I’ve got a way to make this a little less painful, courtesy of Spazzle. See, the little green dude’s been tinkering around with a computer app that converts other languages and dialects into Common, so maybe we can give it a whirl and see what we get. Here goes…
Taktani said: It was my berth-day yestirday! I am 20. I had lots of cak. I sent you sum. I hop you like it.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: Yesterday was my 20th birthday. I had lots of cake. I’ve sent you some. I hope you like it.
Okay, so far so good. So first of all, happy birthday, I guess, as of like a month ago, based on the date of this letter.
Second of all, yeah, I like cake, but like…this stuff you enclosed in the letter? That shit ain’t cake. Maybe it was cake when you sent it, but it sure as hell isn’t cake now. Now it’s like the Granular Substance Formerly Known as Cake. Never mind it being edible — at this point it looks more like something that might try to crawl out of Faranell’s lab. Matter of fact, excuse me for a second while I go kill it before it develops language skills. Which, in the process, by the way, it might still end up beating out the writer of this particular letter.
But third of all — WTF you had CAKE for your birthday? You’re a TAUREN, and you had lots of CAKE?! I went to Thunder Bluff for BAINE’S birthday, and the only snacks they had were jerky and pine nuts and…like…hay…and yet YOU somehow manage to get fucking CAKE? How the hell does THAT happen?
Taktani said: After cak, Mr Hi Cheiftin Bane askd me to go to Ashnval. He wasnt mad that I drew on his reports. Evryon else was tho. They all got so mad when they saw. All I did was mak them pretti! Mr Banes reports wer just wirds, lots and lots and lots and lots of wirds, and thats boring. I mad them less boring. But they all got mad.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: After cake, High Chieftain Baine Bloodhoof sent me to Ashenvale. He wasn’t mad that I drew on his reports, but everyone else was when they saw what I had done. All I did was make them pretty! Baine’s reports were just enormous walls of text (possibly ghost-written by Tirion). I cut down on the TL;DR factor by making them less boring. But everyone (other than Baine) got mad.
So I’ve got to say, I am endlessly amused by the thought that Taktani apparently doodled all over Baine’s reports and then Baine’s advisors all started getting pissy over it. It kind of reminds me of the first couple months I was Warchief — sometimes I would get bored filling out requisition forms and scribble a few little pictures in the margins, and Eitrigg would get all uptight over it when he went to review the forms. Personally I kind of liked the little cartoon stick-figure of Thrall I came up with, with the word balloon going “BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M SO AWESOME,” but that seemed to make Eitrigg especially cranky.
Also, I think this might explain why Baine’s last few reports have come in kind of late.
Taktani said: So after they gav me cak they had Mr Bane ask me to go to Ashnval. Its pretti in Ashnval! Its all sparkli and glittri! I hop you like glittr. I sent you sum.
TranslationMaster 2000 says: After my birthdaycake, Baine’s irate advisors demanded he send me to Ashenvale. It’s pretty in Ashenvale! It’s all sparkly and glittery. I hope you like glitter, which I say without irony because I’ve clearly never met you or formed any accurate sense of your actual personality. I sent you some, collected directly from the trees of Ashenvale, which ooze glitter in the same way normal trees exude sap.
OMG NOT THE FUCKING GLITTER AGAIN. If there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale, other than the demonic influence, and the Alliance strongholds, and the fact that our western operations are being inexplicably stymied by the fucking Thistlefur furbolgs, and the lingering bitterness of my mother appearing to have been killed in Demon Fall Canyon, and the less said about my whole bright idea with the magnataur the better…yeah, other than that stuff, if there’s one thing I hate about Ashenvale? THE FUCKING GLITTER.
Taktani said: And I met Mr U agin! He told me what you sed, Mr Warcheif Sir. He red it from a glowi thing he sed was calld a kumputr. I want a kumputr to. They look lik fun.
TranslationMaster2000: And I met Utvoch again! He read me your answer to my last letter from his computer. I want a computer, too. They look like fun.
Okay, so I guess she must have crossed paths with Dontrag and Utvoch while he was on his way back to Stonetalon after the post-Theramore non-celebration business. Also you’ll notice from that last sentence just how unnatural it is to see someone talking about just ONE of the Dumbass Duo. I have to admit I’m more than a little disturbed by this. I’m not sure if Taktani somehow missed the fact that there was a SECOND imbecile there, or if something even more baffling happened and something actually SEPARATED those two, which as far as I know has only happened once before and it took the insistence of a fucking DRAGON ASPECT to make happen.
And speaking of disturbing details, is anybody else starting to really, really worry that the writer who penned this literary masterpiece of a letter is apparently hanging out with UTVOCH? And…now wants a computer? Does anyone else see this potential perfect storm of virtual brain cancer in the making?
So, you know what? No. No, you can’t have a computer. Ever.
Taktani said: He was playng what he called Urth Onlin. That looks lik fun to. He sed you play Urth Onlin to, Mr Warcheif Sir. Can I play to?
TranslationMaster 2000 says: Utvoch was playing Earth Online. That looks fun, too, which is a peculiar thing to say, insofar as most MMO’s barely even look fun to the people actually playing them. He said you also play Earth Online, Mr. Warchief. Can I play, too?
No. No, you can’t. You cannot play Earth Online too. A thousand gallons of no. See the reasons above, then add about 73 additional ones. For instance, here’s #27: I do not want to get stuck being the one having to explain to her the “Anal [Class Ability]” jokes in trade chat. (Especially if I feel like I came up with a particularly clever one, because it just plain spoils the fun when you have to explain your own jokes.)
Also, random thought here, but some of these translations are a lot more pointed than I would have expected. Go figure.
Anyway, Taktani…instead of getting a computer and playing Earth Online — neither of which things you should ever do, like ever in the everest of ever — I’d recommend knocking yourself out up there in Ashenvale on all the busywork very important missions we have up there. If you run out of things to do over there, maybe swing by Stonetalon. Wait, hang on, D&U are in Stonetalon, scratch that. Try Desolace instead. Desolace or the Southern Barrens. On paper those areas might be a little dangerous for you, but who are we kidding? We’re way too conservative sizing up the danger levels of the different territories, and most of the time when we send people to their assignments they just wind up facerolling shit. Be a little ambitious. Go nuts. Which I kinda think you might already have, anyway.
I think that’s about as much as my will to live can take for one day, so let’s wrap it up here and be back in a couple weeks with more reader mail. As always, keep those e-mails coming to garrosh1337@gmail.com.
The Wizard of Zhan, Act 3
The curtain rises on the exterior of Karazhan. Garrosh et al approach the front gate.
GARROSH: Okay, so this is the place…
FARANELL: Weren’t we just here not too long ago?
Garrosh knocks on the door. A window on the door slides open, and Berhold the doorman sticks his head out.
BERTHOLD: Who goes there? What business do you have at the master’s Dark Tower?
GARROSH: We’ve come to see the Wizard.
DONTRAG: The guardian Wizard of Zhan!
UTVOCH: We hear he’s sage—
Garrosh smacks Utvoch.
GARROSH: Now don’t you get started with that shit again!
BERTHOLD: The Wizard? You can’t see the Wizard! No one sees the Wizard!
GARONA: Here’s where I grease the wheels… You remember me, don’t you, Berthold?
BERTHOLD: <leans out a bit more, squinting> Hmm, well…oh…oh goodness…lady Garona? Is it really you?
GARONA: It’s good to see you again, Berthold. Could you please go in and tell the Wizard it’s me?
BERTHOLD: Well, um, of course, m’lady. I’ll just be a moment.
Berthold disappears inside and the window closes.
GARONA: <grinning smugly> See? Now we just wait a minute or two, and then they’ll roll out the welcome mat.
GARROSH: How do you know this guy, anyway?
GARONA: I guess you could say we had sort of a thing back in the day.
GARROSH: Suddenly this Wizard’s judgment is seeming a little suspect.
GARONA: What’s that supposed to mean?
Just in front of the door, a heavy portcullis suddenly comes crashing down.
FARANELL: Um, unless welcome mats have been radically redesigned lately…
GARONA: Hang on.
Garona raps on the door angrily. The window opens and Berthold looks out again.
BERTHOLD: Yes?
GARONA: Didn’t you tell him it was me?
BERTHOLD: Yes!
Berthold slams the window shut.
GARONA: Well I…I…
GARROSH: Okay, so I stand corrected on this Wizard guy.
MOKVAR: Well now we have a minor problem about getting in to see him.
GARROSH: Anyone else have any bright ideas?
FARANELL: Garrosh, let me see that Focusing Iris?
GARROSH: You’re not going to try to blow up the gate and get us all killed or something, are you?
FARANELL: Not all of us.
MOKVAR: Reassuring.
FARANELL: But really, let me see it. I think I know how to appeal to him.
GARROSH: <handing the Focusing Iris to Faranell> You think you can get us in, run with it, man.
Faranell knocks on the door; the window opens, and Berthold looks out.
BERTHOLD: Are you all still here?
FARANELL: Yeah, so listen—
BERTHOLD: Good heavens, what happened to you? You look like death warmed over!
FARANELL: Yeah, yeah, I’m undead. So anyway—
BERTHOLD: Undead? That must be a horrible fate.
FARANELL: Yeah, well, take a good long look at the future, smart guy. Are you done interrupting me now? Yeah? Good. So, check this out. I know your boss isn’t in much of a hurry to be reunited with little miss sunshine over here, but I think he’d be very interested in getting a peek at this.
Faranell holds up the Focusing Iris.
You go on back inside and tell him that the bearer of the Focusing Iris is here, and might be persuaded to let him check out the number one item on every magic user’s Winter’s Veil list, okay?
BERTHOLD: Huh…if you say so, sir…
Berthold disappears inside.
MOKVAR: You think he’s going to go for it?
FARANELL: Trust me, I know how to appeal to another mage.
GARROSH: Let’s hope.
Accompanied by the sound of rattling chains, the portcullis rises back up, and the door swings open.
FARANELL: And there we go.
GARROSH: Nice job, Doc. Now we’re in business. Let’s go finish this…
The group walks through the gate.
Blackout. Garrosh and the others enter a large chamber filled with relics, vials, and other magic paraphernalia. Tapestries and ornate curtains decorate those portions of the walls not covered with tall bookshelves.
GARROSH: Huh… Well this looks like the kind of place a wizard would hang out, but where is he?
A booming voice echoes through the room.
VOICE: You have come to seek an audience with the great and powerful Wizard of Zhan?
GARONA: Oh boy, here he goes.
GARROSH: <looking around> Uh, yeah, we do, if he can bother dragging his butt out here so we can actually see him.
VOICE: You dare presume to speak to the great Wizard with such familiarity, mortal? You shall count yourself fortunate that the Wizard does not smite you where you stand!
UTVOCH: Wait, he’s a priest? I thought he was a mage.
MOKVAR: Is he always like this?
GARONA: Oh you have no idea. All the time with the talking about himself in the third person.
In the middle of the room, a towering, semi-transparent avatar of Medivh appears.
MEDIVH: The Wizard of Zhan has been informed that one among you carries the storied Focusing Iris! It is for this reason alone that you have been permitted into this sanctified chamber!
GARONA: Oh, and there he is, finally. And thank you, dear, for that very warm welcome.
MEDIVH: <looks at Garona> Oh. Delightful.
GARONA: Oh, really? You want to know what else is delightful? Being a single mom trying to give her son a good life when the kid’s high-and-mighty richer-than-Aman’thul dad for some reason can’t be bothered to mail off a child support payment!
MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan does not have time to trifle with these petty—
GARONA: Oh, sure, when it’s something I want to talk about…
GARROSH: So listen, Your Wizardry, we have the Focusing Iris—
MEDIVH: Indeed, hence you are here in my chamber, and not cast out to the ogres! I will be most interested to examine the relic, and—
GARROSH: Yeah, well, here’s the thing, chief – before we let you go poking around with the shiny, we have a few things of our own that we could use a hand with.
MEDIVH: You dare dictate terms to the great and mighty Wizard!
GARONA: Oh man, he’s really in form today…
FARANELL: If you’d rather not be bothered we can just be along our way.
MEDIVH: <chuckles> You mortals have daring, I’ll grant you that much.
Medivh looks around the group, eyeing them carefully.
I will hear your requests.
GARONA: Hold the presses, he just called himself “I.”
MEDIVH: And you would do well to still her tongue.
GARROSH: Been working on that for months, chief. No luck so far.
MEDIVH: At any rate – present your entreaties, but remember the Wizard makes no promises.
GARROSH: We each have something we’re after, Wiz. In my case, I’m trying to find a way to summon Prince Malchezaar down from the Netherspace, so I can put him in the ground before the Burning Legion can pull him out of mothballs to stir up trouble for my people.
MEDIVH: Ah, yes, the irksome demon who’s tucked himself away in the upper levels. You intrigue me, mortal; I must say it would be no small pleasure to have that particular infestation removed from this place…
GARROSH: Okay, so far so good. Meanwhile…well…the rest of the requests are a little more personalized.
DONTRAG: Shall we present our case to the great and metallurgical Wizard, sir, and—
GARROSH: <smacking Dontrag> For spirits’ sake, no.
MOKVAR: Dontrag and Utvoch here would like some brains.
UTVOCH: Indeed, sir!
DONTRAG: <rubbing his head> So as not to have our current ones beaten out quite so often, sir.
GARROSH: And for real, anything you could do on that count, I mean, I can’t possibly overstate how much of a quality of life improvement that could be for everyone involved.
MOKVAR: As for the rest of us… A heart for me.
GARROSH: Because apparently he’s still moping over his ex-wife or something.
GARONA: Could you be any more insensitive?
FARANELL: And some guts for me.
UTVOCH: I still don’t really think you need—
MEDIVH: Enough of your insipid prattling, insects!
GARROSH: Yelling doesn’t do much good with this crowd, Wiz. Don’t think I haven’t tried.
MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan has heard your requests, and in light of the possibility of studying the Focusing Iris, has deemed them acceptable.
GARROSH: Awesome, Wiz.
FARANELL: See, I told you the Iris was our ticket in.
MOKVAR: So is there a spell or an incantation you have to do on us, or…?
MEDIVH: Silence, mortals! I have not yet finished! I will grant your requests, but first I require you to perform a task on my behalf!
MOKVAR: Uh oh.
DONTRAG: I knew there was going to be a catch…
MOKVAR: We’re going to have to kill something, aren’t we?
GARROSH: So hang on, when you say we have to do a task for you, is this a for real task, or one of those busywork kind of tasks, because you’re talking to an old pro at doling out those…
FARANELL: Personally I think the whole getting-to-work-on-the-Iris thing should be enough of a trade-off on our part, but…
MEDIVH: Bleat at me no longer, fools!
MOKVAR: …Ouch.
FARANELL: That was kind of a good one, actually.
MEDIVH: Before the mighty and magnanimous Wizard grants your request, he demands that you return to him another magic relic of great power: you are to slay the Wicked Witch of the West, and recover from her the Doomstone.
GARROSH: Hang on, the Wicked Witch of the West? That’s Magatha, isn’t it?
GARONA: Yeah.
GARROSH: So we get what we came for, AND I get to kill Magatha?
FARANELL: Didn’t you already kill her in the other timeline?
GARROSH: Trust me, dude, it never gets old.
MEDIVH: You shall venture to the odious lair of the Wicked Witch, where you shall slay her and return with the powerful Doomstone. You must not shy away from this task, for if you fail to carry out this duty—
GARROSH: Dude, it’s cool, done and done.
MEDIVH: Excellent! Be warned, however, the lair of the Wicked Witch of the West shall not be breached easily. It lies in the Mountains of Twilight, in the dread Bastion of the Dying Day. The journey shall be long and arduous, and you will find many trials between here and—
FARANELL: <holding up the Focusing Iris and channeling a spell> Yeah, stoke that noise. Portal to BoT coming up!
Faranell completes the spell and teleports the group away, other than Garona.
MEDIVH: <sighs> Mortals.
Blackout. In an inner chamber of the Bastion of Twilight, Magatha peers into an Eye of Twilight. Beside her hunches Zhi-Zhi, dressed in armor and sporting bat-like wings on his back; around the room similar winged monkey creatures scurry.
MAGATHA: The visions have grown cloudy…they may have reached Karazhan, but no matter – soon enough we’ll find them, and the Focusing Iris will be—
In a flash of light, Garrosh et all appear in the middle of the room. The group appears briefly disoriented as they look around.
FARANELL: Okay, here we are!
MOKVAR: <looking around> Are…are those flying monkeys?
MAGATHA: Well then! All the better! No need to go out hunting for them – the fools have delivered themselves right into my very lair!
ZHI-ZHI: Now! Now we get them, your Witchy-wooken-ness ma’am! Hozen do good and get the dookin’—
MAGATHA: <smacking Zhi-Zhi> Shut up, you insipid preliterate orang utan! Get them!
ZHI-ZHI: Ahhh! Stop hitting Zhi-Zhi!
DONTRAG: I know the feeling, ape guy…
ZHI-ZHI: Get them! Get them!
More monkeys swarm into the room and start running to surround Garrosh’s group, which backs up toward stage right. Magatha runs back and forth in the background, overlooking the scene. Arikara flies in and swoops back and forth above them.
GARROSH: That’s…a whole lot of monkeys.
FARANELL: Plus that wind serpent…
Mortimer leaps into the air and barrels into Arikara with a snarl, knocking them both offstage to the left.
GARROSH: Yeah, I’m not so worried about the wind serpent.
The monkeys descend in bunches, attacking the group.
The chimp brigade, on the other hand…
The Horde group starts to fight off the monkeys; they cut the monkeys down easily enough, but by sheer force of numbers, Magatha’s attackers push Garrosh et al further back.
Magatha descends and begins shooting chain lightning.
MAGATHA: Hahaha! You fools made my work that much easier! Now the Focusing Iris will be mine, and—
Faranell runs up to Magatha and splashes her from a bucket.
AAAHH!! I’m melting! I’m melting! AAAAHHH!!!
Screaming all the way, Magatha melts into a sizzling brown puddle on the floor.
GARROSH: Um, hang on a second. She melted? Fucking WATER killed her?
FARANELL: No. That wasn’t water.
MOKVAR: What was it, then?
FARANELL: Acidic plague.
GARROSH: You walk around with a bucket of acidic plague?
FARANELL: Do you not know what I do for a living?
ZHI-ZHI: The Wicked Witch – she’s dead! You killed her!
MOKVAR: Uh oh. Bracing for pissed-off monkeys.
ZHI-ZHI: She’s dead! She’s dead! Hozen are free! Free of the Witch!
Zhi-Zhi starts jumping up and down jubilantly, with the other monkeys following his lead in short order. Mortimer wanders in and sits, munching on a wind serpent wing.
DONTRAG: I guess this is good?
MOKVAR: As long as they don’t start fliging poop around, I think we’re okay.
ZHI-ZHI: No more beatings from Wicked Witch! We friends now! Friends of the hozen!
Faranell prods Magatha’s remains, rummaging through the remains of her cloak.
MOKVAR: Be careful there, Edwin – are you sure you should be poking around in that stuff?
FARANELL: <continues rummaging> Oh, yes, you’re right, I’d better be careful not to touch any of the plague, or else my flesh might decompose and I might die and OH WAIT.
Faranell pulls a polished gray stone from Magatha’s cloak and tosses it to Garrosh.
Here we go. Mission accomplished.
ZHI-ZHI: Yes! You take Doomstone – reward for killing Wicked Witch! And hozen will follow you now!
GARROSH: Don’t I know you from somewhere?
ZHI-ZHI: <scratching his head> Ever been to Tian Monastery?
GARROSH: Never heard of it.
MOKVAR: Well, other than that one time.
ZHI-ZHI: <still scratching his head> Dunno then…
GARROSH: <shrugs> Whatever.
FARANELL: Portal back to the Wizard?
GARROSH: Yeah, let’s get a move on.
ZHI-ZHI: Hozen come too! Follow new leader! Leader who free hozen!
GARROSH: Uh, yeah, dude, listen, I’ve already got my quota filled on preliterate knuckle-dragging lackeys, okay?
DONTRAG: Sorry, sir.
FARANELL: Okay, gentlemen, here we go…
Faranell casts a portal spell and teleports the group away. Zhi-Zhi remains with the other winged monkeys; he looks around dejectedly, then sneers at the spot where Garrosh had been standing.
ZHI-ZHI: Still not the one!
Blackout. In the Wizard of Zhan’s chamber, Garrosh et al port in, joining Medivh, Garona, and Liadrin.
MEDIVH: Ah, you’ve returned! The mighty but restless Wizard of Zhan is both pleased and not inconsiderably relieved at your timely return!
MOKVAR: You were worried about us?
MEDIVH: Not especially. But since your departure, your…colleague has scarcely shut up.
GARONA: Well sue me for thinking you might want to catch up a little. It’s not like we have a kid together or anything.
GARROSH: <looking to Liadrin> And hang on, what are YOU doing here?
LIADRIN: You think I would miss this floor show?
GARROSH: Well you know, if you were going to come here anyway, you could have maybe stayed with us and used some of your magic to help move things along.
LIADRIN: And then what would you have learned?
GARROSH: I didn’t learn a damn thing as it is, other than “Watch where you step around monkeys” and “Don’t get too close if you see a walking corpse with a bucket”!
FARANELL: You know I’m standing right here.
LIADRIN: Two valuable life lessons.
GARROSH: …I seriously need some new friends.
MEDIVH: At any rate.
GARROSH: Yeah, PLEASE get us back to business.
MEDIVH: You have brought the Doomstone, as I instructed?
GARROSH: <holds up the Doomstone> Got it right here.
MEDIVH: Excellent. Now you shall hand over the relic, and—
GARROSH: Not so fast, translucent boy. First you give us what we came here for, THEN we’ll give you the doohicky.
MEDIVH: You dare try to dictate terms to the great and powerful Wizard of Zhan, mortal? I should liquidate you for your presumption alone!
Mortimer, who has been sniffing around the various tapestries that cover parts of the walls, tugs back one curtain to reveal a control panel covered with elaborate levers, buttons, and monitors, manned by a Forsaken male dressed in warrior’s plate.
GARROSH: Uh, who’s that?
The Forsaken man speaks into a microphone on the control panel, and his words are echoed by Medivh.
AVERRY and MEDIVH: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
FARANELL: Well that’s…odd.
GARROSH: The hell?
GARONA: I don’t even want to think about the implications of this for me.
AVERRY and MEDIVH: Silence, you foolish mortals! Pay him no mind!
GARROSH: Dude, we can see you’re the one doing the talking.
UTVOCH: I’m confused.
FARANELL: Imagine our astonishment.
Averry looks back at the others and hurriedly pulls the curtain closed again.
GARROSH: Now then, insects, you will disregard the man behind the— Oh. Oops. Wrong button.
MEDIVH: That’s better. Now then, insects, you will disregard the man behind the curtain, and put him out of mind!
ALL: What man behind the curtain whom we certainly don’t remember seeing?
MEDIVH: Much better.
GARROSH: Look, can we just get what we came here for so we can get this whole freak show over with?
LIADRIN: It probably would be just as easy to do it this way, Guardian.
MEDIVH: <sighs> Very well. Have your companions step forward…
Mokvar, Faranell, Dontrag, and Utvoch step closer to Medivh. Medivh looks to Faranell.
First you, my fellow – albeit preposterously less mighty – mage.
FARANELL: Can’t anyone be one of the best at their class without being an elitist jerk about it?
MEDIVH: You came, as I recall, seeking guts – and yet I daresay you suffer from disorganized thinking. To flee from danger is, in many cases, not cowardice, but wisdom. Indeed, in my day I have known many a soul called a hero, who carried out great deeds of valiance, and they had no more courage than—
FARANELL: No, no, you’re taking this too metaphorically.
MEDIVH: Pardon?
FARANELL: I don’t need guts because I think I’m a coward. Look at me. Half my internal organs are missing. I have no guts, literally.
MEDIVH: Huh. You know, you’re shedding new light on some complaints I’ve been getting from Moroes…
FARANELL: How about I put you down for an “I’ll get back to you” and keep the line moving.
Medivh shrugs and turns to Mokvar.
MEDIVH: As for you, my good orc… Your trouble is another misperception of your situation – not the lack of heart, but a damaged one. To that end, I give you this remedy, for your ears and your ears alone:
Medivh leans closer to Mokvar.
<aside> She is still out there, alive, and she is looking for you.
Mokvar makes a surprised expression, then nods and steps away. Medivh turns to Dontrag and Utvoch.
Now then…you two.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir, your high and mighty Wizardariousness, sir.
UTVOCH: Very much honored to bask in your presence and await your magnaminious blessings, sir.
MEDIVH: Hmm… Yeah. Right. Sorry. You can’t fix stupid.
DONTRAG: Oh.
UTVOCH: Um…okay…
GARROSH: <sighs> Gotta say, we’re not getting a whole lot of return on our investment so far.
MEDIVH: Now for your request, other-orc. You say you seek the demon Malchezaar, and the means to draw him out of his hiding place…
GARROSH: Right. Please don’t tell me this is another one of those “Oops, I can’t really do that one” things for you.
MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan can do anything, mortal!
FARANELL: Other than listen to himself for like the last three minutes.
MEDIVH: But, as it happens, in this case the Wizard does not need to!
GARROSH: <sighs> Don’t tell me you’re going to get all cryptic on me now.
LIADRIN: What I think the Wizard means, Garrosh, is that you have the means now to do it yourself.
GARROSH: The what now?
Liadrin points to the Doomstone in Garrosh’s hands.
Huh… This thing can do it? How?
LIADRIN: You need only charge it with the Focusing Iris, and you’ll see.
GARROSH: Huh. Well, you heard her, Edwin. Let’s see what this thing does.
Faranell takes out the Focusing Iris and starts to channel arcane power through it and into the Doomstone. The Doomstone starts to glow, then expand, growing into a heavy gray slab of rock with a single runic symbol etched into it.
LIADRIN: Now all you need to is touch your hand to it and say “Come click on the stone.”
Garrosh gives a quizzical look, then shrugs and puts his hand on the stone.
GARROSH: Come click on the stone.
LIADRIN: That’s it…go on…
GARROSH: Come click on the stone… Come click on the stone… Come click on the stone…
As he repeats the phrase, Faranall and Mokvar approach and touch the stone as well. The stage lights dim as Medivh’s chamber fades away, and the only things left visible are Garrosh and the stone. A bright light flashes around the stone, and Prince Malchezaar appears.
MALCHEZAAR: <looks around bewildered> What? How—?
GARROSH: Well hey, now we’re in business.
MALCHEZAAR: You! You dare?
GARROSH: Yeah, so, we haven’t really properly met or anything, princy, so let me fill you in – I dare. Like, professionally.
MALCHEZAAR: Madness has brought you here, orc! Now I shall be your undoing!
GARROSH: Seriously, do you bad guys all take a class on these stock threats? Because—
Garrosh reaches to his back to draw Gorehowl, only to find it’s disappeared from its usual place.
Wha— Oh for fuck’s sake, seriously? Again, now?
Laughing menacingly, Malchezaar draws Gorehowl and brandishes it.
MALCHEZAAR: Ha! Have you misplaced this, fool? I remember fondly the day I recovered it from Demon’s Fall!
GARROSH: Ugh, fine, we’ll do this the street-brawl way…
Garrosh rushes at Malchezaar and grapples with him, gripping Gorehowl by its haft when Malchezaar tries to swing it at him.
MALCHEZAAR: Flee now while you can, orc! You do not face Malchezaar alone—
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, we all know the spiel, squid-face – but you know something? You’re right. I DON’T face Malchezaar alone…
The stage lights come back on, illuminating the normal, minimally dressed stage of the Opera House – with Faranell, Liadrin, Mokvar, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch in a semicircle behind Garrosh and Malchezaar.
Say hello to the legion at my command! SHOW TIME FOR REAL, kids!
MOKVAR: Liking our odds a lot better this time…
While Faranell and Mokvar stand back, casting fireballs and lightning bursts respectively, Liadrin, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch run in to engage Malchezaar at melee range. Malchezaar staggers back and forth under the onslaught of the group, still grappling with Garrosh over their hold on Gorehowl, until Garrosh twists it out of Malchezaar’s grip, leaps up, and cleaves through the demon’s neck, severing his head. Malchezaar’s body slumps to the floor, and the spectral audience bursts into applause.
GARROSH: Wham, bam, the bitch is dead. Bitch.
As the audience continues their applause, Barnes walks to center stage.
BARNES: A splendid finale for a most varied and entertaining evening of theater! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you tonight’s troupe of performers, here for the first and only time for your enjoyment!
The applause rises; Barnes walks back offstage.
MOKVAR: Well that takes care of that.
DONTRAG: We’re done here now, right?
LIADRIN: That should do it, yes…
FARANELL: <standing over Malchezaar’s body somberly> At least now he can stop coming back to die over and over…
MOKVAR: Oh, yeah…I guess you were in your own kind of time loop, weren’t you, Edwin…
LIADRIN: But…Edwin, it would have been a stable loop with you, wouldn’t it? Just one set of events repeating infinitely?
FARANELL: That’s what I’d figured it was going to be…
GARROSH: Wait, what? What do you mean, a stable loop?
FARANELL: When I stayed in old Southshore, and replaced myself. I’d figured I would live through my life like I remembered it, then get to the point where we traveled to the past, and go back with you again, then the events would be complete. And then it would be done, and the cycle would just keep spinning itself.
LIADRIN: That isn’t what happened for you?
FARANELL: <shaking head slowly> It didn’t just repeat. I would live through to our mission to the past, and replace myself again, and pick up my life in the past…and yeah, the loop would keep repeating, but every cycle through, I had to live it through again, and repeat my part of it again, and…
GARROSH: And…?
LIADRIN: Oh…oh no…
FARANELL: …and die again. And be raised again.
MOKVAR: Holy crap…
UTVOCH: Wait, I’m confused, what’s he—
GARROSH: Just this once, will you please SHUT THE FUCK UP?
FARANELL: And so yeah, every time around, I had to live out that repetition fresh. I can still remember every loop, individually…
LIADRIN: Edwin… I’m not sure if I even really want to know, but…how many times did you…go around?
FARANELL: By the time you…I…reset the timelines and broke me out…? 2,734.
LIADRIN: By the Light… You…relived your own death…?
Faranell nods, still staring at Malchezaar.
MOKVAR: Edwin, listen—
FARANELL: Doesn’t really matter at this point. <turns back to the others> Come on. We’re done here. Portal to Orgrimmar coming up.
Faranell summons a portal, and one by one the rest of the group disappears through it.
There’s no place like home…
Faranell ports out. The curtain closes.
The Wizard of Zhan, Act 2
The curtain rises, revealing the Gold Road coming to a fork in the marsh at a small guard tower. Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer enter. Seated next to the tower entrance, two guards – Dontrag and Utvoch – entertain themselves tossing coins.
GARROSH: Huh. Do you know which way we’re supposed to go?
GARONA: I’m not sure. It’s been a while.
GARROSH: How do you know this wizard again?
GARONA: Long story. <looks around> I suppose we could ask the guards.
GARROSH: <squints, looking at them> For some reason, I don’t have a great feeling about that. But whatever. HEY, you two!
Dontrag and Utvoch scramble to their feet and grab their axes.
DONTRAG: Halt!
UTVOCH: Who goes there?
GARROSH: Uh, you can stop trying to act like you were actually paying attention to what was going on.
DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, sir, but rested assurances we are in full commanding commandeered command of the situation. At hand, sir.
UTVOCH: What may have appeared to the untrained eye, sir—
DONTRAG: The uninitialized!
UTVOCH: Uninitialized?
DONTRAG: Isn’t that what you meant?
UTVOCH: The uninitialized eye?
DONTRAG: Well maybe you could take out the “eye” part?
GARONA: Were you thinking of maybe “uninitiated”?
UTVOCH: What’s wrong with just “the untrained eye”?
DONTRAG: Fine, say it your way.
GARROSH: I think I’m starting to get a regrettably familiar headache…
UTVOCH: As I was meaning to say, sir…
GARROSH: Oh good. Here we go.
UTVOCH: To the untrained eye, it may have appeared and belied that my comrade Dontrag and I were diverted and distracted, but you see, sir, that’s all just part of our clever ruse.
GARROSH: A ruse?
UTVOCH: Yes sir. Our cunning plan!
GARROSH: You have a ruse?
UTVOCH: We do, sir – a great clever devious one, sure to outwit and unfox even the most surreptitious and scheming of foes! A great airtight inconceivable ploy, ma’am!
GARROSH: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
UTVOCH: Sir?
GARROSH: Just go on. Or don’t, actually.
UTVOCH: Just meaning to say, sir, my colleague and I might have looked to be distracted with our game, but if you take my meaning, sir, that’s just to lull any enemies into a false sense of security, sir.
DONTRAG: They see us busy at the tower and underestimate us!
GARROSH: I don’t know if anyone could underestimate you two.
UTVOCH: Thank you, sir!
DONTRAG: And they try to put one past us, and lo and behold!
UTVOCH: Ha! HA!
Garona, who had wandered off by this point, unstealths further up the road, on the far side of the guard tower, and waves.
DONTRAG: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one past ol’ Dontrag and Utvoch, sir!
Garrosh points to Garona; Dontrag and Utvoch turn to look, then do double takes.
UTVOCH: Hey! You can’t be over there!
DONTRAG: No one passes this checkpoint without they’ve been approved and authorized and added to the official commendatory-ish list!
UTVOCH: No one else is to pass, ma’am!
DONTRAG: Those are our orders!
GARROSH: Your orders?
DONTRAG: Yes, sir!
GARROSH: Whose orders?
UTVOCH: The Warchief’s orders, sir!
Garrosh stares at them for a moment, then looks at Garona, then rubs his eyes.
GARROSH: I’M the Warchief, you pinheads.
Dontrag and Utvoch do another double take.
UTVOCH: I think we may need to add more detailed notes to the list.
GARROSH: I think you may need something other than cottage cheese between your ears.
DONTRAG: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
GARONA: You know, if they came along, maybe the Wizard could do something for them.
GARROSH: WHY would you even SUGGEST—
UTVOCH: Really? That would be most magnanimous of you, sir!
DONTRAG: It would be an honor to join you on your quest, sir!
UTVOCH: A group quest, as it were!
DONTRAG: With a tremendous quest reward for Utvoch and I, sir – and most beneficiallacious to everyone!
{IF WE ONLY HAD A BRAIN}
DONTRAG:
We would cause much less frustration,
And need less explanation
To make the meaning plain.
Write your order down and send it;
We would truly comprehend it
If we only had a brain.UTVOCH:
We would free our conversation
From overcompensation:
The knowledge that we feign.
You might think of us as nerdy,
And we wouldn’t be so wordy
If we only had a brain.DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Oh, we would finally know,
Our heads not filled with wool.DONTRAG:
Instead our heads with knowledge would be full.
UTVOCH:
It would be inconceivable!
DONTRAG:
Life would be such a joy hence,
To not be an annoyance,
And not be thought a pain.
You would not be near as wary
Of our weak vocabulary
If we only had a brain.UTVOCH:
We’d listen while you’re talkin’,
And not feel like we’re walkin’
Two steps behind again.
You’re be happy when you meet us
(Or at least you wouldn’t beat us)
If we only had a brain.
GARONA: See? They mean well.
GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, fine. They can come along. Only question is, which way? We still never settled that.
DONTRAG: We’re on it, sir!
GARONA: See, I told you.
DONTRAG: You call it, Ut.
GARROSH: Wait, call it?
UTVOCH: Heads, north!
DONTRAG: Tossing!
Dontrag tosses a coin.
GARROSH: Seriously?
DONTRAG: Tails!
UTVOCH: South it is.
GARROSH: You know what? Fine. Whatever.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!Blackout. The Gold Road winds past Blackrock Mountain through a fiery landscape. Garrosh, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, and Mortimer enter and make their way cautiously along the road.
DONTRAG: I don’t really like the looks of things here, sir.
GARONA: This is a dangerous region. Rumor has it that a few last lingering members of the black dragonflight lurk around here.
UTVOCH: Dragons? Really?
DONTRAG: Don’t forget the ogres. Aren’t they supposed to be especially hostile in these mountains?
GARONA: Not to mention the orcs.
GARROSH: Um, you mean like every single one of us here?
GARONA: Hey, I’m half draenei.
GARROSH: Yeah, but you’re passing.
GARONA: Well still, I’m talking about Blackrock orcs. They’re nothing but trouble in this region.
DONTRAG: Ugh. Dragons and ogres and orcs.
UTVOCH: Oh my.
GARONA: Dragons and ogres and orcs.
UTVOCH: Oh my.
The group begins to march along the road faster, in rhythm with their words.
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!
UTVOCH: Oh my!
As the group passes an outcropping of rock, Mokvar – wearing clattering plate armor – jumps out and attacks them, beginning with a chain lightning that knocks Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch back. Mokvar knocks down Dontrag and stands over him, rearing back to swing his mace. Garrosh charges back in and knocks Mokvar away.
DONTRAG: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the Blakrock orcs being bad news around here.
MOKVAR: I’m not a Blackrock orc! You’re the Blackrock orcs!
GARROSH: Dude, what is this, a schoolyard?
MOKVAR: You’re not Blackrock orcs?
GARROSH: Do I LOOK like a Blackrock orc? You seriously can’t tell Blackrock from Mag’har?
MOKVAR: <shrugs> Yeah, fine. In that case, you all be on your way and I’ll get back to my business.
GARROSH: What this yen you’ve got against the Blackrocks, anyway?
MOKVAR: That’s between them and me.
GARONA: And anyone else who happens to come walking down this road.
GARROSH: I don’t know what your problem is with them, dude, but you might want to let it go before somebody ends up getting hurt. Like mainly you.
MOKVAR: Would if I could.
GARONA: Why can’t you?
MOKVAR: The Blackrock clan…well, one of them…took something from me that… Look, if I could put it past me and forget about it, I would. It would make life a whole lot easier…
{IF I ONLY HAD A HEART}
MOKVAR:
It’s true, I’m kind of bitter;
My mercy’s in the shitter,
My anger off the chart.
Maybe wrongs could be forgiven
And I just could go on livin’
If I only had a heart.An orc that I won’t mention,
Reviled past comprehension,
That’s where it found its start.
But my smiles would be addictive
If I just weren’t so vindictive,
If I only had a heart.Picture me a balcony,
Above a voice speaks low,
Illuminated by the fires below.
I hear a blast…aghast.Now I wish I could forget it,
Those moments I regretted
That tear me all apart.
I could end all my fighting
And I’d get back to my writing
If I only had a heart.DONTRAG: You know, maybe the Wizard could do something to help him, too.
GARONA: I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try.
GARROSH: I guess. Maybe he’ll give me someone to have some actual decent conversation with on this trip.
GARONA: I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time!
GARROSH: As I was saying.
MOKVAR: You people are funny. You should write some of this down.
GARROSH: Funny you should mention. I want to discuss that with you during the trip…
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!Blackout. The group follows the Gold Road through Duskwood, where it passes an alchemy station manned by Faranell.
FARNELL: Hey. I’m Edwin, I could go for a trip to the Dark Tower too, everybody cool with that? Yeah? Good. Let’s get going then.
GARROSH: I— wait, what? You just want to…
FARANELL: Yeah, look, I’ve been watching this from backstage, and rather than doing some little vignette about me joining the group, I figured we could just save time and move things along.
GARROSH: <clapping Faranell on the back> Good man.
FARANELL: Okay, so, cue the exit song.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}
ALL:
Weeeeeeeeee’re off to—
GARONA: Wait, wait, hold on.
GARROSH: What’s the matter?
GARONA: What do you want to see the Wizard for?
FARANELL: …I want his autograph?
GARROSH: Does it really matter?
GARONA: Hey, somebody has to keep the plot on track with some kind of integrity.
MOKVAR: Personally I think that train left the station somewhere around the “Time Warp” ripoff.
FARANELL: Well, what have you got so far?
GARONA: Dontrag and Utvoch want a brain.
FARANELL: Shouldn’t they specify two?
GARONA: Isn’t that splitting hairs, really?
FARANELL: Listen, I’m a mage. I know all about ironic technicalities when people phrase their magic requests vaguely.
GARROSH: Whatever. Honestly even one brain between them would be an improvement.
GARONA: And then Mokvar wants a heart.
FARANELL: mm. Okay, well, keeping with the whole anatomical theme, I guess I could ask him for some guts.
GARROSH: Really? You don’t seem so cowardly.
UTVOCH: Actually I thought you were kind of badass back in that cellar.
FARANELL: No, no, I’m not talking about courage. I mean literally, guts. Look at me. I’m undead. I’m missing half my internal organs.
{IF I ONLY HAD SOME GUTS}
FARANELL:
The bile I feel is sadder,
’Cause I’ve got no gallbladder,
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Now I’d finally have uses
For these jarred digestive juices
If I only had some guts.No liver, so I’m thinkin’
I’d better not be drinkin’.
I really don’t see what’s
The point of an appendix,
But I would give mine a mend fix
If I only had some guts.Once I had them back,
It would never discard.
I never should have once let down my guard
And signed that organ donor card.Those toxins, I would rid these
If I just had some kidneys.
Necrosis, it rebuts.
But my pain would heal faster,MOKVAR:
All this anger I would master,
DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Our ideas won’t be disaster,
GARROSH:
And I’ll kill that demon bastard
If that caster is a caster, not a putz.DONTRAG and UTVOCH:
Then we’re sure to get a brain.
MOKVAR:
A heart.
GARROSH:
A…means to summon a demon prince and by the way I’m not even bothering to try to get this to fit the actual meter of the line here, so sue me.
FARANELL: <blinks>
Um, okay… Some guts.
GARROSH: Okay, that works. Moving on.
{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE, FOR REAL THIS TIME)}
ALL:
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!The group marches down the road and offstage. The curtain closes.
{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3…}
Fifteen seconds to curtain, Garrosh Hellscream
The good thing about Karazhan is that most of the spooks and monsters got cleared out a long time ago, so getting around in there is pretty painless. Well, other than the fact that the place is fucking GIGANTIC. Seriously, you look at it from the outside and you’re like, “Okay, decent-sized creepy-ass castle,” and then you go inside and it’s like “HOLY CRAP, it did NOT look this big from out there.” No wonder Medivh hired a guy just to stand at the door and port people up, because I swear half of these old ghosts probably originally died from exhaustion just trying to get anywhere.
Lucky for us, the Opera House wasn’t that bad of a hike, especially with Garona with us to make sure we didn’t take any wrong turns. It’s a pretty impressive place – high ceilings, mosaics, a giant chandelier, an enormous pipe organ set up on the far side of the chamber. By the way, when we were first sizing the place up, I made the mistake of saying “enormous pipe organ,” which resulted in D&U taking seven full minutes to snicker like retarded fourteen year olds, until Liadrin told them to go sit in the corner until they could get their sit together.
Anyway, we went backstage, and eventually made our way around to the side door to the stage. That’s where we found Barnes, the ghostly stage manager.
BARNES: Ah, greetings, all of you! Are you the new actors?
GARROSH: Uh, yeah, not so much there, scooter.
BARNES: Oh? A pity. You clearly have the strong jawline of a leading man.
MOKVAR: Probably easy to pull that off when his face is half jaw.
FARANELL: Sure, rub it in.
GARROSH: You know, I’m not above leaving a couple extra ghosts here as a tip.
LIADRIN: <aside to Faranell> You were right. It does become rather entertaining after a while.
BARNES: Well then, ladies and gentlemen, might I ask what brings you to our humble theater?
GARROSH: To tell you the truth, Barnes, it’s kind of a long story…
DONTRAG: We’re trying to kill the most imperial and despicuous demon Malchazan—
UTVOCH: I think you mean “despicable”…
DONTRAG: —who we need to kill before he can—
UTVOCH: And it’s Malazaar, I think.
DONTRAG: Will you stay out of it, Ut? I know what I’m saying!
UTVOCH: Maybe so, but nobody else—
Garrosh grabs Dontrag and Utvoch, smacks their heads together, and drops them onto the floor.
GARROSH: …and there’s pretty much zero chance of getting the short version if we let those two get rolling.
GARONA: Why do you even bring them places if you’re just going to treat them like that?
GARROSH: Good point. Related question: Why do I keep bringing YOU places?
MOKVAR: That’s actually a fairly good blanket question.
BARNES: So…erm…sir… I surmise your business here involves Prince Malchezaar in the tower…
FARANELL: This one doesn’t miss much.
BARNES: But, um… I’m not sure I understand why that would bring you here to the Opera House, sir, rather than to the upper levels.
GARROSH: <sigh> Right. Well, the thing of it is, we need to find a way to get Malchezaar DOWN from the top floor, otherwise our…business with him won’t take.
BARNES: <grins> Ah, so you’re aware of the peculiar nature of the Netherspace, eh, sir?
GARROSH: We’re in the know, yeah.
BARNES: If I might ask, then, sir…is there a particular reason why you feel the need to kill the demon permanently? He seems perfectly contained up there, and in a fairly out-of-the-way location.
GARROSH: Because we know the Burning Legion stashed up there for safekeeping, until they’re ready to crack him out. We want to make sure they don’t get the chance to.
BARNES: Really… And…how do you know this, sir?
Garrosh exchanges looks with Liadrin and Mokvar.
MOKVAR: Because we’ve seen what happens when they DO get him out.
BARNES: <grins> Now…that sounds like an interesting tale.
GARROSH: Yeah, that’s kind of where the “long story” part kicks in.
BARNES: I wouldn’t mind the abbreviated version, sir.
LIADRIN: Caverns of Time, closed causality loop, accidental historical disruption, quantum reality splintering, demons in Orgrimmar, temporal incursion to re-seal trans-dimensional cracks. You know, the usual. Did I miss anything?
GARROSH: …Head hurts.
BARNES: Maybe…not quite that abbreviated, ma’am. Or…technical.
DONTRAG: <slowly getting up> I think I followed the “demons” part, kind of…
GARROSH: Anyway, the point is that we need a way to get Malchezaar out of his storage box up there, and we hear tell you theater types have some summoning mojo working for you down here.
BARNES: Well, we do have some fairly considerable summoning spells here, sir…
GARROSH: There we go, let’s fire it up, then, and—
BARNES: …but those mainly consist of drawing images from the mind, I’m afraid, not actual physical summoning.
GARROSH: Is it just an Azeroth thing? You people saving the “no” part until after you’ve gotten everyone thinking “yes”?
BARNES: Still… I think I may be of some help to you, sir.
GARROSH: <pauses> There isn’t a “but” coming here, is there?
BARNES: Sir?
GARROSH: Never mind. I’m listening.
BARNES: While I can’t personally do anything to help with the Malcheazaar matter…
GARROSH: <rolling eyes> “But.”
BARNES: …there are certain other…sources of magical power on the premises that I could connect you with through the Opera House.
GARROSH: Well what are we waiting for, spooks? Hook us up.
BARNES: Ah, but sir, first there is still a floor show for me to tend to.
GARROSH: Uh, dude, priorities? This is actually kind of real-life important here.
BARNES: Oh, I understand, sir. But you know the old saying: The show must go on!
Barnes opens the door next to him and walks out on stage.
GARROSH: The hell is this about a floor show?
MOKVAR: In an empty house?
FARANELL: In the middle of the night?
As Barnes reaches center stage, hundreds of ghostly patrons appears in the Opera House seats and begin applauding. A spotlight appears over Barnes.
BARNES: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this evening’s presentation! Tonight, we present a special traveling troupe of performers to regale you with a terrifying tale of a world gone awry! How did it begin? Where will it end? All this and more will be revealed, as our guests find themselves stranded in an ominous castle deep into the night!
And now: On with the show!
{THE CURTAIN RISES AT MIDNIGHT EST…}
Fashionably late
So after this week’s fiasco, Baine rounded up his braves and went back to Mulgore, and Vol’jin rounded up his trolls and took them back to the Echo Isles, other than the handful who were staying here in Orgrimmar in the Valley of Spirits. Malkorok’s been going around the city working on recruiting and stepping up the production of weapons, armor, and siege engines.
Captain Gharga arrived back home with the Horde fleet, and after a little time for the crews to catch some break time on land, I had General Nazgrim take command of the fleet and take it back out on a sweep across a number of naval targets. Since the Alliance fleet was weakened in the last battle, I want to strike while the iron is hot and keep pressing the battle to them.
Meanwhile, in the middle of all this, who should finally show up in Orgrimmar than everybody’s favorite mental defectives, Dontrag and Utvoch. Check this out. They came strolling on into Orgrimmar today, fresh from Stonetalon or Ashenvale or wherever the fuck they were that I don’t care about, and they were all, “Hey, we heard there was a huge party going on over our big victory! Which way to the feasts?”
Mokvar and Eitrigg stopped me before I beat them both to death.
Jury is still out on whether that was a good or a bad thing.
Ugh.
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Could we have the demons back?
We stopped at Splintertree Post first, but there was no Mortimer there. I was pretty much guessing as far as where to look for him, since I’d originally found him at Hellscream’s Reach, which, well, doesn’t exist as an outpost in this world. Our next stop was Silverwind Refuge, and there we finally had some luck. Good and bad, actually, depending on how you count.
On the good: among the windrider master’s batch of wyverns, I spotted that familiar mane. I’m not sure if he somehow remembered me from the other timeline, or if there’s just something about me that drew him to me in either world, or if it’s that I knew to call him by name – whatever it was, Mortimer saw me approaching, climbed down from his perch, and came right over. I notified Wind Tamer Shoshok that one of her wyverns was being requisitioned.
On the mixed-bag-ish: well…
DRANOSH: I know you said you need to go gather some information, but you know we could just give you any number of wyverns.
GARROSH: You can give Mokvar any number of wyverns.
DRANOSH: What’s so special about this one?
GARROSH: <chuckles> I wouldn’t even know where to start.
While Garrosh and Dranosh talk, there’s a murmuring among the Silverwind troops behind them, followed by the voice of…
UTVOCH: Warchief!
DRANOSH and GARROSH: <turning and overlapping> What?
UTVOCH: So glad to see you, sir! You won’t believe what’s been going on lately!
GARROSH: Um, Utvoch, are you talking to me or the Warchief here? You seem confused.
MOKVAR: “Utvoch, you seem confused.” There’s something you never hear.
DRANOSH: Uh, Garrosh, do you know this person?
MOKVAR: Not yet.
GARROSH: <rubbing forehead> Yeah, yeah, I do. Kind of. Warchief, let me introduce Scout Utvoch. I’ve had…some dealings with him…in the past.
UTVOCH: Sir! A great honor to see you again, sir, a very great inconceivable relief—
GARROSH: <smacks Utvoch> That’s not what that word means in any reality.
MOKVAR: Garrosh, you know, if Utvoch is here, that probably means…
DONTRAG: <calling from a distance while sprinting over> Utvoch! What are you doing?
GARROSH: <perks an eyebrow at Mokvar> You just had to jinx us, didn’t you?
Mortimer cringes and edges back from Dontrag and Utvoch.
UTVOCH: Dontrag! Look, Garrosh is here, and I’m just telling him and the Warchief—
DONTRAG: Oh for goodness’ sake, Ut, are you going to start bothering them with that idiocy about you being somewhere else only it’s not somewhere else only there’s nobody there except you other than the people who are there that aren’t here?
GARROSH: <spins to Mokvar> See? SEE? I told you!
UTVOCH: I’m telling you it’s true, Dontrag! I really was seeing it and – <turns back to Garrosh> and – and it wasn’t a dream of a hallucinationatory or anything!
DONTRAG: Idiot, you were standing right next to me every time you said it happened and I didn’t see a blasted thing.
DRANOSH: So, okay, who is this one, then?
GARROSH: This is Sergeant Dontrag, Utvoch’s…well, I’m not going to say “better half”…
MOKVAR: They kind of come as a set.
GARROSH: Kind of like peas in an incredibly retarded pod that almost, not quite but almost, makes you hope the demons win.
DRANOSH: That’s not funny, actually.
DONTRAG: I… High Overlord… I’m honored that you know me, sir. A great vast honor to think that my reputation would have reached you all the way in Orgrimmar, sir!
GARROSH: Wait, what?
MOKVAR: <aside to Garrosh> Uh, you never would have met them here. Utvoch only remembers you because…you know… <does Nozdormu’s “wibbly wobbly, timey whimey” hand motion>
GARROSH: <aside to Mokvar> Oh…yeah…right… <to Dontrag> Right, well, see, Dontrag, I always make a point of keeping an eye on the, um, performance of all our soldiers. Just part of my job.
DONTRAG: Oh, um, really…?
DRANOSH: It is?
DRO SHADOWFREE: <chiming in from nearby> Have you been satisfied with my work as well, Overlord?
GARROSH: <spitting his words out curtly with a quick, annoyed glance at Dro> Shut the fuck up, you don’t matter.
DRO SHADOWFREE: Oh…
DONTRAG: An honor to meet you as well, Warchief. Please don’t let my friend here bother you with his idiocy.
UTVOCH: You’re one to talk about idiocy!
DRANOSH: So, um, Garrosh, is this one the brains of the operation or something?
MOKVAR: I think that question might make the universe cry.
GARROSH: Yeah, uh, not so much. Think of them more as covering complementary parts of the idiot spectrum.
DONTRAG: <crestfallen> I’m…sorry, sir…
DRANOSH: So why are these two important again?
GARROSH: They’re not. They’re really, really not.
MOKVAR: Garrosh, if I could make a suggestion…we might actually want to bring them with us.
GARROSH: Dude, we’ve already watched the Burning Legion and Scourge overrun Orgrimmar, have we not suffered enough for one day?
MOKVAR: Well at least Utvoch. You know… <makes the “timey whimey” gesture again>
DONTRAG: Wait, why is he more important?
UTVOCH: Hah, suck it, Donty.
MOKVAR: More importantly, because of…you know who.
GARROSH: <eyes go wide a moment> Good point.
DRANOSH: Does someone want to fill me in?
GARROSH: Yeah. Right. Here’s the thing, Dranosh. Part of the idea I was talking about before, the way we might be able to undo everything that’s happened – it all depends on a human who was in Orgrimmar. A mage named Edwin Faranell. If we’re going to have any chance at all of doing this, we have to find him.
UTVOCH: Oh, hey, Edwin? But he’s still human now? It didn’t wear off or anything? I just figured he was still that way because of when that naaru soul crystal coldcocked him in the cellar.
DRANOSH: Okay, I’m going to give you thirty seconds to start making sense before I start taking an axe to you.
MOKVAR: Might as well save yourself thirty seconds and just kill him now.
GARROSH: POINT BEING. Utvoch knows Faranell, so he could be handy for helping look for him. Maybe.
DRANOSH: What’s so important about the mage?
GARROSH: It would take a really long time to explain. And a lot of it still wouldn’t make a lot of sense.
UTVOCH: It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me and I was there.
GARROSH: You just described LIFE for you.
UTVOCH: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
GARROSH: What’s important is that if we can’t find him, this whole plan is dead in the water.
MOKVAR: Last we saw him, he was on his way to the zeppelins with the last of the evacuees.
DRANOSH: Assuming he made it out, that would put him at either Thunder Bluff or Theramore.
GARROSH: Okay. So here’s the plan. I need some questions answered before we do anything else, and there’s only one place to get the answers. I’m going to take Mortimer here to Tanaris. I’ll need Mokvar with me. In the meantime, Dranosh, you’ve got to find Faranell.
DRANOSH: <grins half-heartedly> You’re the boss, Overlord. I’ll do a search in Theramore first and get our forces organized for a second front against the Legion. After that, I can head to Thunder Bluff.
GARROSH: We’ll meet you there after we’re done on our end.
DONTRAG: A question, Overlord?
GARROSH: <sighs> Yes, Dontrag.
DONTRAG: Who’s this Mortimer person?
“Wait, he named his wyvern ‘Mortimer’?” “I think that was already his name.” “Who gave it that name?” “I think they said he just already had it himself.” “How’s that possible? The wyvern named itself?” “I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?” “I don’t speak wyvern, Ut.” “You barely speak orcish, Donty.”
Patch notes
So while I try to come down from the frantic WTFs of what just happened…
Those of you who’ve been following my gaming habits know that Earth Online has been working on a new expansion called Land Down Under for a while now. It’s due to come out in a few weeks, and it’s going to be the first expansion since I’ve been playing, so that should be cool. I haven’t been playing on the Beta, but Spazzle has, so between watching over his shoulder a few times, and watching the announcements about what’s happening, I’ve been able to keep up on a little bit of what’s coming.
So, for those fellow gamers out there, here are a few notes and comments on what’s in store for us…
- They’re raising the level cap from 50 to 60. There’s been talk that they’re going to adjust the 1-50 leveling to make it go faster as a result, which is probably a good idea, because just think what that would be like for a new character – can you imagine having to grind out 60 levels right out of the gate?
- They’re adding a bunch of new mounts, but my absolute favorite one? There’s this animal called a kangaroo. It’s kind of like…um…okay, you know what, there actually isn’t any animal in the real world that I can compare this thing to. All I can really say is, imagine what kind of animal a murloc would have to have fucked to produce the first gorloc. Kind of like that. Anyway, the thing about this kangaroo is that it has this pouch on its belly, which supposedly it uses to carry its young around. (Side note: I don’t know how the devs keep coming up with shit like this. I mean really. Some hella good felweed, I guess.) So here’s the thing. When you ride this kangaroo, you don’t sit on its back or something normal like that – you ride around in the damn thing’s pouch! Oh and also, did I mention that rather than running, these things fucking HOP? How much cartoonish awesome is that, seriously?
- They’re adding in this new feature where you can put yourself into a group finder, which will automatically assemble a group of players for raids. And I know exactly what you’re thinking, because I thought the same thing too: You mean I can sign up to join 19 total strangers chosen at random in an anonymous, consequence-free environment for a group activity that hinges on coordination, communication, and precise execution? OMG FINALLY, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? I’ll tell you, I like raiding, but I don’t know if I’m going to try this feature out, because honestly, I feel the urge to kill everyone around me enough as it is, I don’t know how much more I want to put my temper to the test.
- File this one under Long Long LONG Overdue: They’re finally smartening up and adding a TON of airports to most of the zones. No more of this crap where there’s only one airport per zone, so you land in Chicago and then you’re stuck running around on your mount for 20 minutes because you’re still working on that quest chain in Wisconsin. What’s more, they’re adding this extra feature called “In-Flight Movie” – basically if you’re on one of the longer flights, you can choose from a list of in-game cinematics and popular machinima, and watch them while you’re in flight. They’re even organized by how closely the running time matches your flight time. Pretty awesome, huh?
Of course, as soon as word got out about the plan to add the new airports, all the permanently bitter self-professed hardcore players came out of the woodwork on the forums to gripe and complain, because “OMG this isn’t Earth Online, it’s Casuals Online now” and they’re ruining the game by dumbing it down, because obviously it completely removes any concept of challenge or skill from the game if you make ANY SINGLE THING IN IT even 5% more convenient, and OMG nerdrage because CASUALS. To which, honest to fucking hell, dickweeds, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I swear I will never understand why some of these people seem to sink so damn much of their time into something that obviously just makes them angry. I mean, okay, I spend a shit-ton of time on things that usually make ME angry, but dude, it’s my fucking JOB. I spend enough time in real life dealing with shit that pisses me off, I don’t need to pay a monthly subscription fee for more. I swear some gamers would complain about a blowjob.
- They’re going to head into this expansion by having a couple major world events to set up the big contest to determine the faction leader in November (which, frankly, they’ve already been playing it up so much that I really just want the damn thing settled so we can stop hearing about it). Basically they’re setting aside a week each for two “party convention” events, which you can participate in to align yourself with either of the two main candidates for faction leader, do quests for them, and get some “campaign” vanity items…which frankly look kind of shitty and tacky to me. For starters, could they seriously not come up with ANYTHING better for the party symbols? A talbuk and an elekk? Really? Those are the most impressive things you could think of? I mean, those would be fine if your goal is to make your candidates into, like, the final targets of a Nesingwary hunting expedition, but otherwise, really?
Anyway, these two events are going to lead into the expansion, and then in November they’ll finally settle things as far as who the leader’s going to be. I guess it’s going to be this game-wide process to decide – they’re going to have daily quests, resource gathering, mini-boss encounters, tons of other stuff, and then they’re going to total it all up across all the servers. So then, when the “Election Day” event kicks in, whoever the players end up putting ahead wins and becomes faction leader in the next patch. Unless it’s the guy who’s already faction leader. Then he just STAYS faction leader.A bunch of people have been blogging about how impressive this is, that the devs are letting the players determine who the leader is going to be. Their point seems to be that by doing this, the devs are giving up a lot of control over what’s going to happen with the lore, so they either have to have two sets of outcomes ready to go, or improvise on the fly depending on who wins. Personally, I think that’s putting WAY too much weight on the outcome of the event. If you ask me, whatever’s going to happen in the lore and in the game world is going to happen, it’s already been worked out, and the only thing the devs are going to have to do based on the election is tweak a few details to account for how we got from A to B. But we’re going from A to B. Whoever wins, we’re heading for B. Seriously, guys, don’t kid yourselves into thinking one option or another is going to magically portal us to H or Q or motherfucking X.
So that’s what we’re looking at so far. Quick note before I forget, by the way – don’t forget to write in for next week’s mailbag with pictures of your own Earth Online pets like we had from me and Shara last time around. I’ve already gotten a few letters, and it would definitely be cool to see everybody’s collection. Send those letters and pictures to me at garrosh1337@gmail.com.
Anyway, we’ll see how everything plays out. I know Spazzle’s going to pre-download LDU so he can start playing the minute the new content goes live, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Lorthemar does the same, considering how much time he seems to spend online. Whoever he is in the first place. Meanwhile, I’d kind of assumed that Saurfang would be a long way from level cap still when LDU drops, but I might turn out to be wrong (MARK YOUR CALENDARS, it doesn’t happen often). He’s already up to like level 30, which is pretty damn amazing considering he’s totally new to all of this. Even more amazing when you factor in the fact that I almost never see him online. I’ll go a few days without seeing him, then he’ll finally log on, and it’s like, dude, you gained like eight levels since last time I saw you, how the hell did THAT happen? Dude just FLEW through those level, like stuff is just falling over dead for him as soon as he walks into the room.
Let’s hope that doesn’t carry over into real life. I’ve got a face-to-face with him soon, and personally I’d rather not wind up dead. More updates soon after that.
Roundhouse cleave to the face
I’ve got a return trip to Hearthglen lined up for tomorrow, but between then and now I figured I’d put in a little game time. In this case, though, I got to unveil a little surprise to the rest of the guild…
[You have logged on.]
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh wow thats freaky
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, that’s really weird
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh you’ve got no idea. This guy was a flake even by Mylune standards.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi garrosh
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] heya boss
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Sup, guys
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, chief. I was just telling everyone about Tembw’bam out in ZG.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hello sir
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I kind of wish I’d been there to see it, sounds like he was a real hoot
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You could say that, yeah…
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait could he turn into an owl too?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Not that kind of a hoot.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] theres different kinds?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] wow your an idiot
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean I think he sounds entertaining
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged on.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] he sounds like kind of a moron if you ask me
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] are you talking about tembwbam or dontrag?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey Sylvanas
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Does it really matter, as far as accuracy?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hello, Spazzle.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] tembwbam
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Haha
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no i’m dontrag
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Are you sure?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I thought you were Utvoch.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no he’s utvoch
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m utvoch
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yah thats what i said
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] only i said he instead of i
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You really do enjoy messing with them, don’t you?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] huh are you sure
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no she cant be sure if she’s wrong
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I hardly think I’m wrong.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] In fact, I’m quite sure you’re Utvoch, Dontrag.
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] huh so that would make me dontrag?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no your not dontrag utvoch
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Can you blame me, really?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i dont know, she seems pretty sure
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Look at them.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] she’s messing with you you moron
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol this is epic
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It’s like spinning a dog around hundreds of times, and then playing catch with it.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] See what I mean? Plenty of moron to go around…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol, ok point taken
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Not so. I’m pretty sure most dogs could outwit either of them.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] she is? oh damn
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So anyway… Yeah, the dude from ZG was a piece of work.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh so speaking of which, garrosh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] how come you wanted a rogue for the trip to STV and you didn’t invite me?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh for fuck’s sake…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i know i’ve told you about how i like the beaches down there
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m sure you did
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] right, so?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Whether I was listening at the time is a whole other question
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ouch!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] omg
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] seriously though why would you take krog instead?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on, tabbing out
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh sure, tab out now
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ugh
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Garona.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m sure the Warchief had his reasons.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea well we’ll see
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Okay, so what’s the catch there going to be?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There’s no catch.
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m not *always* trolling, you know.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok so dontrag and i just went over this and we’re pretty sure he’s dontrag and i’m utvoch
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well I’m glad we’ve finally been able to put this mystery to rest.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, back
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i know, that was going to bother me till we figured it out
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I had to help someone get set up on the game
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] New player so I’ve been having to walk him through setting it up
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh cool, anyone we know?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Haha, yep
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Nice, who is it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You’ll see in a minute
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] did you remember to use your refer-a-friend for them?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hell yes
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I want my hang glider
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh ok
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, here we go
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This is going to be epic
[ChuckNorris | Saurfang] has joined the guild.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] welcome Chuck
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi chuck
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So yeah, you guys might know ChuckNorris here better by his real life name, Varok Saurfang
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] whoa
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] holy shit!
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh HELL yes!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Haha, yeah, I finally convinced him to give it a try for the freebie month
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, High Overlord!
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] welcome, sir!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Saurfang, if you type /g it’ll set your chat line to type here in the guild chat
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] greetings overlord
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] is this working?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yup
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] reading you loud and clear, sir
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] ah, there we are. greetings and honor to you all, friends.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Welcome to the guild, Overlord.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] LivinDeadGrl here is Sylvanas, Saurfang
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] a pleasure to ‘see’ you, as it were, dark lady
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And you as well, Overlord.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] no need here for such formality, dark lady. we are all soldiers of the horde and friends here; ‘varok’ will suffice.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or Rokky
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Haha! Rokky it is!
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] no, most certainly not ‘rokky’
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yes, sir, Rokky struck from the record, check.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Anyway, Saurfang, let me do the quick introductions here, so you know who’s who
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] We covered Sylvanas… Bartleby is Mokvar… MrBadcrumble is Spazzle Fizzletrinket, I think you met him a couple times…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] ahem
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, fine. Nightengayle is Garona…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] a pleasure as always, Saurfang!
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And SteveKravitz and GilbertRose are Dontrag and Utvoch, in some order, nobody really remembers which
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i’m dontrag
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Also nobody really gives a shit
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] sorry our existence isn’t more relevant sir
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] a moment, i should note all this down.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll hook you up later with a mod that will let you add a note to people’s names in-game to help keep track of everyone
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you need help with anything while you’re getting the hang of the game, sir, don’t be reluctant to speak up
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah we can definitely help give you an armed escort wherever
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] many thanks to you all, friends. i suspect it will take some doing before I am adequately acclimated to the environment here
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Also, Sylvanas?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Yes, Warchief?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] If you start asking him about the warlocks or what Dranosh means again, I will end you
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I can’t imagine why you would think such a thing of me, Warchief…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so what class are you playing, saurfang?
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] i believe this is called a ‘texas ranger’
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey i bet sylvanas could show you a lot about that class
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] uh no
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] no
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i thought she was a ranger
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not that kind of ranger
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] is she a different spec or something?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] spirits help me i wish i could stunlock people over the internet sometimes
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m a Dark Ranger. It’s not the same thing.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] so the ranger talent trees are dark, texas and what else?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Utvoch
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yes sir
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Stop talking before I come over there and chop you up into many many tiny little pieces
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yes sir
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] sorry sir
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] At any rate, I had really only come on to check on my auctions. I need to leave for a meeting for the moment.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] later, Sylvanas
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye BQ
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] farewell, dark lady. honor go with you.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Back soon! ^_^
[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has logged off.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] So I’m guessing you’re at the ranch starting zone, Saurfang?
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] it would appear so, yes
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] there appears to be a peculiarly liveried human here who, inexplicably, has an exclamation point hovering above his head.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] that means he has a quest for you
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right-click on him and he’ll show you a write-up of what he wants you to do.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] ah, interesting. a moment…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll head over to the starter zone in a minute and give you a few dollars to get you going
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] did you get the quest, Saurfang?
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] a moment, i’m still reading.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ah, he must be reading all the quest text.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] People do that?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Apparently.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] indeed. i would hate to overlook some critical detail, as i’m sure this ‘rancher’ fellow’s monologue must include information that will hold some importance later on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh wow, that’s so cute
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Well, he’s new. No harm in taking his time and soaking it all in.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] it appears i am needed to acquire a hot iron and brand six of the cattle in the nearby pens.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] the branding iron should be kind of shining now, so you can spot it
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] i must say, this does not at the outset appear to be the sort of heroic undertaking i might have supposed a fantasy adventure would present.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The early quests are pretty simple, so you can get used to the game mechanics
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] To be fair, the quests never exactly get particularly complicated.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well yeah, but at least you get some bigger and badder stuff to fight.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eventually as you level up, you get new zones opened up for you to quest in, too
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There’s also an expansion coming up that’s going to add a whole new continent to the game
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] have they announced a release date yet for land down under?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I doubt he’ll be max level before Down Under comes out, though.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah, LDU’s coming out in like another month and a half
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] well then, that mission is completed, uninspiring though it was.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] he should have a follow-up for you now
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] indeed. a moment while i read.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] someday when he’s all hardcore and speeding through quests we’ll look back at this and laugh
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] haha
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Watch, in a week he’ll be better than all of us
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] He’s Saurfang, he probably already is.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] hmm, so it would seem that the ranch’s livestock has taken losses recently due to itinerant vermin.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] i am being called upon to hunt down some dozen of the coyotes lurking about and slay them.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] There you go, that should be more up your alley
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] i will grant that this mission sounds a bit more promising, although i’m at something of a loss as to why the rancher would specify twelve of the creatures.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] if the vermin are proving problematic, would it not make more sense for me to stay at my task until they have been eliminated altogether?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] respawn timer would make that a real pain
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] It’s probably best not to overthink these things.
[Nightengayle | Garona] has earned the achievement [Level 50]!
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] grats
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Grats, Garona!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] whew, finally
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and thanks
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] now to start gearing
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] hmm, that coyote died rather easily.
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I would imagine you’re used to that happening.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] indeed.
[Guild][ChuckNorris | Saurfang] now for the next animal. i appear to have an ability called ‘roundhouse kick’; let me see what it does on this one.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] go for it
[You have been disconnected.]
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[You have logged on.]
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what was that??
[Bartleby | Mokvar] has logged on.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Damned if I know…
[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] did you guys just get knocked off too?
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] i swear that wasn’t me this time…
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I did.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Same here
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hmm let me check something
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that was so weird
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I can’t remember that ever happening to me before
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Even when my internet cuts out, it doesn’t just boot me right away I like that, I end up just hanging for a couple minutes first
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh wow
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] it looks like the whole server got knocked offline for a minute
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh yikes
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] i wonder what caused it
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You know, come to think of it…
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well, either way, Saurfang is probably all confused now
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Let me go see if I can track him down and get him situated again
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll be back in a few maybe…
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] later boss
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye garrosh
[You have logged off.]
“Perhaps I should stick to this Saronite Sweeper game instead…”
