Tag Archives: faranell

Slow burn

dominationpoint4

 

They’re going to turn against you. Don’t let them.

 

I’ve had that note sitting on my desk since Garona left a couple hours ago. Edwin Faranell – the old, young, original, human Faranell, the one had become unstuck in time and seen glimpses of his own future – gave it to me in another reality. Months ago, or years ago, depending on how you count. I’ve carried it with me ever since – literally and otherwise. I took it out after Garona left, and I’ve been sitting here in my office in Domination Point staring at it.

The Vol’jin thing was irritating enough, but at least that got taken care of. Baine? Annoying, but I can’t say I’m surprised by his endless griping, since he was always pretty much Vol’jin Lite. I didn’t really see Lor’themotherfucker coming as the latest malcontent, but then again I hardly ever noticed him at all until recently, so whatever.

But this news about Mokvar makes my blood boil.

For the longest time, he was just some random generic dude hanging out in Grommash Hold. I befriended him, brought him in on all our major operations, made him one of my personal aides. My personal scribe – this after he hadn’t even TRAINED inscription until I threatened him with severe pain encouraged him to broaden his interests. Ordered Garona to shadow him while I was in Pandaria, to make sure he stayed safe. DEFENDED him to Malkorok I don’t know how many times. Now he’s got me wondering if I was taking the wrong side in that bizarre feud of theirs.

After he was attacked that night, I could understand him acting weird for a little while. I mean, I’ve never died, and I don’t plan to anytime soon, but I can see how it could do a number on your head. So I was willing to give him some slack for some weirdness. But this goes way, WAY beyond weirdness. Him going to Neeru Fireblade was fishy enough, considering everything he knew. And the fact that he forcibly broke out of Orgrimmar infuriates me to no end. Him hanging out with a HUMAN to boot, well, the less said about that the better. But the part that REALLY eats at me? That I’m going to be lying awake nights fuming over? Magatha. He went to Magatha. Cut a fucking DEAL with Magatha, for some purpose I STILL don’t fucking understand. And now he’s on the loose, who knows where doing who knows what.

And you know, I think this business with Mokvar pisses me off more than any of the other malcontents. Even when Vol’jin was threatening to put an arrow in my heart, he didn’t spit in my face.

Well, I’ve had it. With all of it. I should have listened more to Malkorok. I’ve given these people too much slack. And all I get for it is people running their mouths at me and then running around behind my back. Well, enough is enough. I’m done putting up with this crap. I’m taking the gloves off Malkorok, cracking down on all the bullshit I’ve let slide for way too long, and finally getting these people reined in.

There’s a new sheriff in town, fuckers. And his name is Garrosh Hellscream.

 

Mutiny!

earthonline9

Since we finished with Shan Kien a few days ago, I’ve been back at Domination Point, partly checking in on things there with Warlord Bloodhilt and General Nazgrim, and partly giving myself a break from Baine and Lor’themotherfucker. Maybe if I leave them alone with each other, they’ll have no option but to bitch and moan at each other until one of them reaches bitch-and-moan critical mass and spontaneously combusts. Not likely, I know, but it’s a little dream I have.

As part of my much-needed recuperation time, I finally managed to get Earth Online set up on my computer here. The internet here at the base is still kind of spotty – I’ve been having to pick my spots as far as when I can blog for the entire time I’ve been here – but Grizzle Gearslip tells me the connection should be stable enough now that I shouldn’t have any trouble getting some gaming in.

 

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] what about blurry vision? slurred speech?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well well, look who we have here!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it’s probably not one of ours, then.

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I hope you feel better, ji

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey people

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You sense of humor is, as always, most amusing, Doctor.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] anyway, does anyone have a level 30 something they’d like to team up with?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But you should be wary of making such jokes, as they may only encourage some to believe we’re actually pursuing such untoward efforts as the creation of plague.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] actually never mind, i should probably get going

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] see you later, ji

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yeah, i can’t imagine where anyone would get that idea about us.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: has garona gotten there yet?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh this is weird…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] What is, Warchief?

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] do you think he got mad and logged?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey, Garrosh

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] welcome back.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, I suppose we’ll see presently, won’t we.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Thanks, Doc

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: did you see my tell?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is everything all right, Garrosh?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Yeah

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: I just didn’t get a chance to answer

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I think so

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what happened?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m not sure, my connection just went out on me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, hopefully it was an isolated hiccup and won’t continue causing you problems.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: But no, she didn’t get here yet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: ah ok

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, hopefully

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Why?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: just curious

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So anyway, as I was saying

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] thanks baddie

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You two are well, I hope.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] PRETTY GOOD THANKS

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] re-wb

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And back again.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] same problem, boss?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] havent seen u in a while

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Pretty much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just getting knocked offline randomly

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Quite frustrating, I’m sure.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I’ve been traveling for work, so I haven’t been able to log on until now

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: what kind of internet connection do you have there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea i know how that goes

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’ve been having to travel around some for work too

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: If you’re looking for something more specific than “apparently a bad one,” you’re talking to the wrong guy

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: hmm

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So anyway

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How interesting, Leslie. Anything specific you’re working on these days?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did they change something in the guild management panel?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m sure the details would be fascinating.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: at the bottom of your UI, mouse over the icon that looks like a little planet

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: that will show your network info

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not that I’m aware of.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why do you ask?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol your always so interested in my work

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh boy…

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Okay, I’ve got it

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m just curious about people’s professional experiences. ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m showing a lot fewer guild management options than I used to

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So I’m wondering if they changed something

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: ok, at the very bottom of that info box there should be a string of numbers and letters

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol well theres alot going on here but alot of it i cant really talk about

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: copy that to me

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, no. Perhaps you should peruse the guild roster a moment.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]:  Hmm, okay…give me a minute…

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] here we go…

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh but those are the most interesting ones to chat about under the anonymity afforded by the internet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well, you’ve established you work in Dalaran.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well yes

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hang on, I’m juggling a couple things

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if it involves magic research i could probably save you some time finding the tomes you need.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HOW DO YOU FIGURE

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: THX1138-NCC1701-PU36

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: oh man

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well, based on our conversation the other day, I probably know your libraries a bit better than you.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: who set up your connection down there?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] your serious

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] my serious what?

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Grizzle Gearslip

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Why? How bad is it?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no, ‘your serious’ is a question

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, guild roster

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] no, “you’re serious?” is a question.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] “your serious” is an incomplete noun phrase.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: ugh… he’s good with mining and construction

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Just exactly

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] THE FUCK

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] IS THIS?

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: but for networking he might as well be trying to put something together with one of those electronics kits from the wonderworks

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] if you don’t want my help, you can just say no.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] What is what, pray tell?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] HOW exactly is it showing SYLVANAS as guild leader???

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hoo boy…

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well, there *are* in-game mechanisms for such things.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When the current leader is offline for a prolonged period. ^_^

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You fucking OVERTHREW me?!?!

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I don’t think he would jsut rage quit

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, here he is.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] wb pwn

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] looks like you’re having connection trouble

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay so AS I WAS SAYING

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You OVERTHREW me??!

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: can’t say I’m surprised you’re having trouble staying on

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You could say that, yeah

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: So…it’s bad.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: let me put it this way

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] And hey, hold on, she couldn’t even have DONE this without another officer, so that means either you or Mokvar, Spazzle

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: congratulations, the base hasn’t burned down yet

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] um, well…

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What’s going on with Mokvar now, anyway?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] It’s funny you should ask, Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so yeah staying on topic

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I was the one who signed off on the dethrone

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I…see

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: Fucking hell is THIS what you were talking about???

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: um, what?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: With the “they’re going to turn against you” cryptic bullshit

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well to be fair, boss, you’d been away for a while and there was no telling when you’d be able to get on again

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: you realize that was another version of me whose memories i don’t share, right?

You whispered to [ProfHubert | Faranell]: UGH FUCKING TIME TRAVEL

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] and your connection right now isn’t exactly helping

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah yeah whatever

[ProfHubert | Faranell] whispered: fucking time travel indeed.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You people have had your fun, now reinstall me before I get on a boat headed north

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, very well, Warchief.  If you insist.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with people, I look away for a minute and everything turns into a fucking cartoon

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Lorthemar] has been promoted to Guild Leader.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oops.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT OOPS

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats lorthemar!

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh this should be good.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That honestly was a legitimate mistake. Albeit a funny one.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh…wow…really?

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] CONGRATS ON THE PROMOTION LOR

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I was about to click on you to promote you when Lor’themar logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i will bet you any amount of money you’re not the only person saying “wow, really?” right now.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, well, his character name is right ahead of yours alphabetically.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] So…he bumped you down one spot on the guild list, and…

[Guild][Lorthemar] Well…thank you, guildmates!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] are you seeing this, lor?

[Guild][Lorthemar] This is truly an unexpected honor

[Guild][Lorthemar] But one for which I shall endeavor to prove my worthiness!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yay lor!

[Guild][Lorthemar] I really don’t know what else to say!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i know you’ll make a good guild leader =)

[Guild][Lorthemar] Thank you!

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] guess not

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] He probably doesn’t realize he has to turn on officer chat.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay so seriously

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, hello, Omgipwnedurface.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah probably

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, hello

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So before you get speechifying again, Livindead just made a mistake handing you the reins

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So before you get too excited

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh yikes

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hand them back over

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Well, I suppose LivinDeadGrl DOES have more experience as an officer.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] NOT TO HER YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] PROMOTE -ME-

[Guild][Lorthemar] Fine, fine, let me find where the command is…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] does anyone know if there’s a popcorn vendor anywhere in game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Well FIND IT FAST LORI

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ONE EYE TO LOOK WITH

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m working on it, calm down…

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] what are u looking for sweetie?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh fuck you, Hair-Care

[Guild][Lorthemar] Huh.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WHAT? I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING

[Guild][Lorthemar] You know what?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oops sorry, that was pwn

[Guild][Lorthemar] No.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Fuck YOU.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i thought it was u typing there

You have been kicked out of the guild.

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: jkhfgkjshgfkjysdgkfiuhsdfjkghskgf

You whispered to [Lorthemar]: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: I know, I know

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: My apologies, Warchief.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: I’m trying to calm Lor’themar down now.

[Lorthemar] whispered: Fuck you, Garrosh

[Proudleslie | Jaina] whispered: omg what happened?

You whispered to [Lorthemar]: Oh you REALLY want to die, don’t you

[Lorthemar] is ignoring you.

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]: Well now he’s ignoring me

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]: So you can tell him to stop being such a tempermental baby while you’re at it

You whispered to [Proudleslie | Jaina]: Don’t even get me started

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: Of course, sir.

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: yeah, he’s pretty upset

[MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] whispered: I don’t know what we’re going to do about GL, but I can invite you back to the guild at least

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: Oh gee thanks

You whispered to [MrBadcrumble | Spazzle]: I don’t fucking believe this shit

You have been invited to join the guild <Warchief>.

You have joined the guild <Warchief>.

You have been promoted to the rank Recruit.

You have been promoted to the rank Member.

You have been promoted to the rank Officer.

You have been disconnected.

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You have logged on.

[Officer][Lorthemar] Well that’s just too bad, now isn’t it?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Lor’themar, I understand, but please try to be prudent at least.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] FUCKING HELL

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] wow this is a really bad day for pwn

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] welcome back, boss

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] UGH this is infuriating

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Actually, while we’re inviting, let me bring a friend in as well, if nobody minds.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sure

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Between the disconnections and Ponytail here all I need is a pickle for the crap sandwich that is my day

[Bob] has joined the guild.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Recruit.

[Bob] has been promoted to the rank Member.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi bob!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WELCOME

[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Bob! As Guild Leader, let me welcome you to the guild!

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m sure you’ll feel right at home with the <Warchief> tag below your name.

[Guild][Bob] Tanks, mon! It’s good ta be here!

[Guild][Bob] I be lookin’ forward to goin’ on epic missions with lots a ya!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] This guy seems familiar

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] OH SHIT

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So…you play EO too, huh?

[Guild][Bob] Hey, mon! Do I know ya?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] sigh

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll get you all for this

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] um

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Nice to meet you

[Guild][Bob] Good ta meet ya too, OmgipwneduMon!

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But for now… I’m going to log off before this vein in my forehead bursts

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] quick recommendation, boss?

You whispered to [LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas]: You GET his ass in line, you understand me?

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] whispered: Of course, dear Warchief.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] next time you log on, if you think you smell burning hair, turn off your computer

[Guild][Bob] So I got a question if anybody knows.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fine

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] For the duration, Lor’themar, you might want to change the GL title from what I’d set it as.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Taking off now

[Guild][Bob] If da Lich King’s horse be Invincible, how come I could see it?

[Officer][Lorthemar] What’s the title now?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] “Queen.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no no, thats invisible

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh man, good thing Garrosh is leaving

You have logged off.

 

Spazzle Speaks: Tell Hell

earthonline8

You have logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] i’m pretty sure ur wrong

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] hi mrbad

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I’LL GO GET MY COPY SO WE CAN CHECK

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i’m quite sure i’m not.

[Guild][Lor’themar] Greetings, MrBadcrumble!

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]: hey ji – you feeling ok?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] no sweetie u dont have to

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi MBC

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, Spazzle, I’m glad to see you on. I’d like to discuss something with you when you have a free moment.

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered: yes, i think i’ll be ok

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey everyone

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: have you heard anything about mokvar?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ugh well now hes flown off

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: not a thing

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered: just a little sore.

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: why?  is there news?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sure

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh hi baddie i didnt see u come on

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] do we have more IPs to trace or something?

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]: well that’s good

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No no, nothing quite so technical.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: not that I know of

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how’s it going, leslie?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] not bad

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, really?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] same ol same ol really

You whispered to [EdwardBear | Ji]: well if you need anything let me know

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You sound surprised.

[LamontCranston] whispered: Hi there.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] well, after a while you kind of get used to it when people only want to talk to you because they can’t get their printer to work

You whispered to [LamontCranston] hi

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OK HERE WE GO

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SHERMAN’S CODEX RIGHT?

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: at this point I don’t think anything would surprise me, though

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] True… I suppose it comes with being one of the few tech literates in the cohort.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I know, right?

[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what are you guys doing?

[LamontCranston] whispered: Are you busy?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] volume 2, yes.

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: honestly I don’t understand what Mokvar could be thinking

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THERES A VOLUME 2?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you get used it mostly

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: a little

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: were you interested in the guild?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: that’s the thing, though

[EdwardBear | Ji] whispered: thanks, i will

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sorry if I’m slow

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] prof here is trying to tell me there’s teleportation magic that would let someone blink all the way to other worlds

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] trying to juggle a bunch of tells

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh I can sympathize.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] not that there ARE such spells, just that there’s a theoretical basis for them being possible, based on the distorted curvature of space surrounding high velocity blinking.

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: what is?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] and now we’re going to look it up and prove him wrong

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’m fielding quite a few myself. Mostly from Lor’themar…I could swear, no sooner do I click back over to officer chat than his whisper tab lights up again.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] what’s going on?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] once we get volume 2…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] it should be on the shelf below where you got that one.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Something or other with Garrosh and his demands. I’m not sure exactly.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] faded, dark red cover.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] fourth book from the left.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OK ON IT BRB

[LamontCranston] whispered: No, Spaz, it’s me.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how do u know that?

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] don’t let me interrupt if you’re talking to him

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i have a very good memory.

[LamontCranston] whispered: Mokvar.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] wait, how are you not sure if he’s going on and on about it?

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: dksjghksdyhgd

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: for him to do all these things he’s been doing… killing the dwarf in ironforge, the deal with magatha, everything…

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: KNOWING I was watching him .. and I know he knew…

[EdwardBear | Ji] has logged off.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] No, it’s fine. I’m really just tabbing over every few lines and giving him a “right” or an “I can see how that would be frustrating” or an “I don’t blame you at all for being upset.”

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: he would have to be an idiot

[LamontCranston] whispered: Now before you go tabbing over to do an IP trace, I’m routing through a proxy server to log on.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] isn’t that kind of risky?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: and if there’s one thing we both know about mokvar, its that he’s not an idiot

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OK NOW WE’RE IN BUSINESS

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: yeah

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: no kidding

You whispered to [Nightengayle | Garona]: 1 sec

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you have volume 2?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: kk

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, how do you know what he just said was about being upset and frustrated?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I’ve known Lor’themar a long time.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] now i just have to find the part about long-distance blinking

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: hang on, since when do YOU know how to mask IPs??

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: and are you crazy?  what the hell are you doing??

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] page 273.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW REALLY?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ok looking, hang on

[LamontCranston] whispered: Deliana called in a couple favors to set it up.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] right-hand column.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] under the diagram.

[LamontCranston] whispered: I just needed to get on for a minute to talk to you.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] like i said, i have a good memory.

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: mokvar, you have to be careful – garona’s on and she was JUST asking about you

[LamontCranston] whispered: I saw her on. I whispered her with a dollar-spam ad and got her auto-ignore.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] sorry i’m going all quiet – trying to fix a bunch of things here

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ok here we go, see it says it wouldn’t work

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] “blinking beyond azerothian gravitational bounds would prove impractical due to drag produced by the blinking subject’s carried mass.”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] blinking beyond azerothian gravity would be impractical

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: hey spazzle, I know you’re probably still busy there

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Quite all right. As it happens, Lor’themar is growing needy even by Lor’themarian standards. I’m finding myself having to pay attention to some of his prattling.

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I need to get going

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: what are you even doing on here?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I’m leaving for pandaria in the morning and I need to finish packing

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] right.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] is he still upset?

[Nightengayle | Garona] whispered: I’ll talk to you later

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] keep reading.

[LamontCranston] whispered: Like I said, I wanted to talk to you.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Insofar as he hasn’t spontaneously ceased to be Lor’themar, yes.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] OH

[LamontCranston] whispered: I only have a minute, though.

[Nightengayle | Garona] has logged off.

You whispered to [LamontCranston]: ok…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] “this obstacle could in theory be overcome by a dispersion of the grounding mass along the blinking vector via a highly concentrated arcane field”

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh…wow

[LamontCranston] whispered: You’re on the short list of people I feel like I can trust, and like I said, I need to talk to you.

[LamontCranston] whispered: But not here.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] which yes, we don’t know how to do yet.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] but we’re talking theory here.

[LamontCranston] whispered: Meet me in Everlook in two days.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] that’s really impressive you knew that

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i read a lot.

User is not logged on.

User is not logged on.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] yea but sherman’s codex volume 2?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] that would be so far down on my reading list i would probably never get to it

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] actually, I need to get off of here for a little while

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] heh, kids.  ;o)

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I know you wanted to talk to me about something – can we catch up later?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s fine.

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY I’M THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] If it’s easier, I can e-mail you about it as well.

[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] ok, sounds good

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] yes, and?

You have logged off.

 

Anger management

org6

The other day I mentioned there being some meeting that Orphan Matron Battlewail wanted me to attend if I were serious about getting Gurtash. She had me check in with Social Services, which is being run by some goblins these days. Don’t ask me how that happened. But they filled in a little more of the story. They’ve got one of Ji Firepaw’s panda friends holding a kind of seminar on dealing with anger, and they’ve opened it up to anybody who wants to attend. The only catch – well, other than the fact that this whole fucking waste of time is one huge catch in itself since WTF why do these fuckers keep acting like I’ve got some kind of fucking problem with my goddamn temper or some shit – is that they want all the attendees to have someone come with them, sort of a sponsor. My first thought was to bring Malkorok, seeing as he’s technically my bodyguard and should be going places with me anyway, but then I got to thinking that this gig might not be the kind of thing that…well…let’s just say the purposes of the session might not be facilitated by having Malkorok in the room.

Plus, really, why do I need a bodyguard again? Isn’t that kind of like getting a watch dog to guard your giant rabid wolverine?

So, bottom line, I got Mokvar to come with me. Which also had the added benefit of…

 

Garrosh and Mokvar enter a room in which several chairs have been arranged in a circle. At the far end of the room, a middle-aged pandaren woman is talking with Eitrigg.

GARROSH: So, um, we’re here for the meeting? Not sure we’ve got the right place.

The pandaren woman, all smiles, walks over to greet them.

PANDAREN: Oh, no, you are in the right place, Warchief. It is good to see you again.

GARROSH: Yeah, you too. We’ve met?

PANDAREN: <laughs softly> Yes, a few weeks back, but I will understand if you do not remember me. You were meeting quite a few of us from the Wandering Isle that day.

GARROSH: Ah. Yeah. And to be honest, no offense, most of you pandas still sort of blend together for me.

PANDAREN: Are you saying my people all look alike to you?

GARROSH: Actually not so much all look alike as there are like six variations I can recognize.

MOKVAR: To be fair, I’m not sure we orcs are much better.

GARROSH: True enough. And the less said about the trolls the better.

MOKVAR: Well, Vol’jin stands out some.

GARROSH: Well yeah. I was going to ask the other day, actually – did he have some work done? He looks different.

MOKVAR: I was wondering that too! So I’m not the only one that noticed?

GARROSH: Dude, he sprouted an extra toe on the backs of his feet.

MOKVAR: Seriously? That’s freaky as hell.

GARROSH: I know, right? <looks back to the pandaren woman> Anyway…um…we can probably discuss this another time.

The woman smiles bemusedly.

PANDAREN: In any case, Warchief, it is good to meet you more properly now. <extends her paw> I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider. I have been a student of meditation among our people for many years. I look forward to sharing some of these techniques with you today.

GARROSH: Yeah. Great. So listen, Ben, how long you figure this is going to take?

BEN-LIN: The session shall take as long as it takes.

GARROSH: Ah. One of those. Terrific.

MOKVAR: So, Eitrigg, what are you doing here?

GARROSH: Yeah, Eitrigg, you never struck me as having a temper.

EITRIGG: I don’t really. I’m not here for me; I’m sponsoring a friend. He just hasn’t gotten here yet.

GARROSH: Ah, okay. Wait…hold on…a “friend”? Please don’t tell me…

Tirion Fordring enters.

TIRION: Ah, greetings, Warchief! A pleasure as always to see you once again. And doubly so, of course, for you, Eitrigg, my dear friend of many years. Far too many days have passed since last we enjoyed each other’s company…

GARROSH: <rubbing his forehead> Dude, you just saw him a few weeks ago. I know. I was there.

TIRION: Perhaps! Perhaps, good Warchief! And perhaps indeed the calendar might insist that the interval has been short – but the spirit, my friend, the spirit tells me the time has been long! For surely, good Garrosh, you know of those times when the moments feel far longer than the clock might otherwise claim.

GARROSH: <still rubbing his forehead> All too well, Tirion…

MOKVAR: Eitrigg, I’m still not sure I understand. Tirion never struck me as very temperamental either.

Eitrigg, standing behind Tirion, makes a drinking motion with his hand.

Ah. Got it.

BEN-LIN: It appears more of our attendees are arriving. I should introduce myself, if you will pardon me a moment.

Ben-Lin steps toward the door, where Lor’themar Theron enters, accompanied by Liadrin. While Ben-Lin talks to them, Faranell enters and walks over to Garrosh and Mokvar.

GARROSH: Hey, Doc.

FARANELL: Hey.

MOKVAR: You’re here for the meeting too, Edwin?

FARANELL: Mmhmm. As soon as I heard about this, I cleared my schedule for this afternoon.

MOKVAR: I didn’t know you had anger issues.

FARANELL: I don’t.

Faranell sits down and takes out a large bag of popcorn.

Lor’themar and Liadrin leave Ben-Lin and approach Garrosh et al. Ben-Lin circles around and talks with Tirion and Eitrigg in the background.

MOKVAR: Hey Liadrin.

LIADRIN: Hello, Mokvar. Edwin. Warchief.

GARROSH: Hey, Liadrin. Who’s your friend? Is he sponsoring you or something?

LOR’THEMAR: You see? YOU SEE? This is EXACTLY what I was talking about! Every time! EVERY SINGLE TIME! No matter HOW many damn times I meet them, the NEXT time it’s always “Oh, so who’s this guy?”

LIADRIN: Now now, try to calm down, sir…

GARROSH: Okay, standing corrected on who’s sponsoring who here.

LIADRIN: This has been a long time coming, frankly.

GARROSH: Yeah, fine, but seriously, who IS he?

LOR’THEMAR: <shaking Garrosh violently> I’M LOR’THEMAR THERON, YOU PEA-BRAINED, MOUTH-BREATHING OAF! RULER OF SILVERMOON! LEADER OF THE BLOOD ELVES! I BUILT YOU A DAMN MANA BOMB TO COMMIT WAR CRIMES WITH, YOU IGNORANT VULGARIAN!

GARROSH: <shoving Lor’themar back> YOU’RE the vulgarian, you fuck!

FARANELL: <munching on popcorn> So much better than doing culture samples with Zinge.

LOR’THEMAR: How DIFFICULT is it to remember WHO SOMEONE IS after you MEET THEM FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME?!

GARROSH: Apparently VERY, when the someone in question isn’t frigging IMPORTANT enough to be REMEMBERED, Ponytail!

MOKVAR: He blew up about this on our game the other day, actually.

LIADRIN: I heard.

MOKVAR: Has he been at it all this time?

LIADRIN: More or less. This is something he’s been bottling up for a while, really.

Ben-Lin returns to the group, with Tirion and Eitrigg close behind.

BEN-LIN: If we might all find our seats. The last few should arrive shortly.

Everyone settles into the chairs.

Good afternoon, all of you, and thank you for coming today. I am Ben-Lin Cloudstrider of the Huojin Pandaren, and I will be conducting today’s session. My people chose to join the Horde in large part because of our shared belief in confronting challenges directly, and it is in that spirit that I would like to commend each of you for coming here today. By choosing to attend, you have demonstrated your recognition of an enemy of sorts within yourselves, and your resolve to face and defeat that enemy.

GARROSH: Pfft, I don’t know about these people, but I got railroaded by the orphan matron. Screw this personal-growth hippie bullshit.

LOR’THEMAR: Same here. <nods head toward Liadrin> This one twisted my arm.

GARROSH: Personally I think the whole thing is a load of crap.

MOKVAR: Would it really kill you to just bite your tongue and humor people this one time?

LIADRIN: <sighs> I wonder what it would be like if some of our leaders were actually adults

BEN-LIN: Ah. I am sensing resistance from some of you. This is unfortunate. I hope you will come to see the merit of our activities as we go along. Let us begin by each introducing ourselves and telling the group why we are here.

She turns to Faranell.

Let us begin with you. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group, my friend?

FARANELL: <tossing a piece of popcorn into his mouth> It would make my life complete.

BEN-LIN: <unfazed> Delightful. Please go on.

FARANELL: Yeah, fine. Hey. I’m Edwin. Most of you already know that. All of you, actually, so good use of time here. Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the LOL’s.

BEN-LIN: <blinks> Ah. I see.

She turns hesitantly and looks to Tirion.

And you, sir?

TIRION: Thank you, Lady Cloudstrider, many thanks indeed, both for your gracious greeting and for your generosity in offering up your valuable time – time very much in demand, I have no doubt, among your people – in arranging this gathering for the benefit of all here. And a great honor, and, indeed, blessing it is to find myself today amid this honored company, for as I look about the room I find my gaze met by the faces of many of the most esteemed of our respective peoples…

GARROSH: Oh man. He’s ON today…

TIRION: And so, in keeping with your request, noble Lady Cloudstrider, allow me to introduce myself. I am Tirion Fordring, Highlord of the Argent Crusade, Knight of the Silver Hand, master of Mardenholde Keep, bearer of the secred Ashbringer—

GARROSH: Murderer of Wills to Live…

TIRION: —and I find myself here today among you at the recommendation of my dear friend, the noble and sage orc Eitrigg, who suggested this gathering might prove valuable to me, both for my personal growth and likewise in allaying the oft-expressed concerns of some number of my Argent colleagues, such as the hallowed Confessor Palteress and my personal aide, the noble Miss Daria L’Rayne…

The door to the room opens, and Hamuul Runetotem leans in.

HAMUUL: Excuse me, is this the anger management seminar?

BEN-LIN: Indeed it is, my friend.

HAMUUUL: Ah, good. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

GARROSH: Yes, you are, and thank goodness.

BEN-LIN: Please come in.

Hamuul steps into the room, holding the door open, and waves outside.

HAMUUL: Come on in, it’s the right place.

A nervous-looking Mylune enters.

BEN-LIN: <glancing down at a clipboard> Ah, you must be the two from Mount Hyjal.

HAMUUL: Yes. I’m Hamuul Runetotem, and this is my…colleague Mylune.

GARROSH: Oh man. Hide your kittens…

MYLUNE: <perks up> There are kittens?

GARROSH: Oh yeah, loads of them in the Cleft of Kittens.

MYLUNE: Ooh! Ooh! There’s a Cleft of Kittens? Where’s that?

GARROSH: Right at the southern end of the Valley of Ridiculous Hallucinations – it’s fucking ORGRIMMAR. What the hell do you think this is?

MYLUNE: <deflated> Oh. I thought there might be kittens…

HAMUUL: Perhaps just as well, given your recent…episode.

MYLUNE: <slumps her head and closes her eyes> I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HAMUUL: Mylune, we’ve already talked about your trying to block these things out.

MYLUNE: No no, I’m not blocking it out! Blocking what out? See? Happy face! Happy face! Oh, everything’s so wonderful and magical and whee! And…and…

She looks around quickly and grabs up a small scorpion that’s skittering along the ground.

And ooh, hello Mr. Scorpid, aren’t you a tough little prickly darling! <hugs the scorpion to her bosom> Auntie Luney sure is happy to see you! Yes she is! Yes she—oww! OWW! Dammit, that stings like HELL, you stupid pinchy ASSHOLE!

Mylune throws the scorpion viciously against the wall.

It wasn’t even that cute!

GARROSH: So… I take it that time in Mulgore wasn’t an isolated incident…?

HAMUUL: Not as such.

MYLUNE: Oh…oh no, no, no… I did it again! <sobbing> Why do I keep doing that? <putting her hands over her face as the sobbing continues>

HAMUUL: There there…

BEN-LIN: It is all right. You are among friends now.

GARROSH: Well let’s not get carried away.

MYLUNE: <rubbing one hand on her chest> That still kind of stings a little, actually…

BEN-LIN: We are here to help you. Have you had other moments like this recently?

MYLUNE: I…well…I was in Winterspring a few days ago…and there were these bunnies…and…and…

GARROSH: Not so much with the bunnies anymore, I’m guessing.

MYLUNE: I couldn’t help it! I just wanted to pet them, and… <rubs her chest again> Okay, you know what? I think that scorpion might have been venomous.

Hamuul sighs and starts casting healing spells on Mylune.

HAMUUL: Seriously? You have venomous scorpions just wandering around?

GARROSH: Hey, I don’t usually figure people are going to go around rubbing them on their boobs.

MOKVAR: Did you really have to give me that mental image?

GARROSH: I mean we usually don’t have people around here showing that level of stupid. And that’s even figuring how much time Dontrag and Utvoch spend here.

LOR’THEMAR: Who?

GARROSH: You’re better off not knowing.

LIADRIN: Really, sir.

BEN-LIN: Perhaps we should move on. <turns to Lor’themar> Let us turn to you now. You are…?

LOR’THEMAR: Ugh. See? SEE? THIS is EXACTLY what I’m talking about! I introduced myself to you not TEN MINUTES AGO! But does anyone remember something like that? NO! OF COURSE NOT!

LIADRIN: Sir, I think she was just asking you to—

LOR’THEMAR: Don’t defend her, Liadrin! People do this every damn day, and there’s always some excuse for them! Either that, or it’s just “Oh, okay. Lor’themar? Whatever.” YES, whatever. It’s LOR’THEMAR! LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON, Regent-Lord of Quel’Thalas! That’s who I am! Lor’themar! Do you hear me? All of you? LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR! One of the only racial leaders on either side who hasn’t managed to make a complete cluster fuck of something yet, but does anyone remember? NO! NO THEY DON’T!

BEN-LIN: Well then. I was going to ask you why you are here, but I think you have already answered that. So let us move on. <turns to Garrosh> And you, sir?

GARROSH: Huh? Oh, yeah. <waves half-heartedly> So yeah, Garrosh Hellscream, Warchief of the Horde. Son of Grom, slayer of Alliance, writer of EPIC VERSE, eater of lemon squares, yadda yadda.

HAMUUL: Wait, he writes poetry?

MOKVAR: He’s actually surprisingly good at it.

BEN-LIN: And why have you come here today, my friend?

GARROSH: Humoring the orphan matron, pretty much. Didn’t we already cover this? She basically said I needed to attend this thing before she would sign off on this orphan I was looking into maybe adopting.

LIADRIN: Wait, what?

EITRIGGAdopting?

HAMUUL: Oh spirits help us…

GARROSH: WHY does everybody fucking react like that every time I mention this? I talked about it on my blog, too, and all the commenters were like “Holy crap no!”

HAMUUL: Wait, he blogs, too?

FARANELL: <munching> I so should have brought some ale for this.

Tirion passes Faranell a flask.

Oh, hey, thanks.

EITRIGG: I thought we’d agreed you were going to hold off on the… <makes a drinking motion with his hand> …while we were here for the meeting.

TIRION: Surely, friend Eitrigg, you would not deny me a simple bracing beverage before an undertaking that calls upon my resolve.

EITRIGG: Now we both know the “liquid courage” excuse doesn’t hold here, Tirion.

GARROSH: So hold up, you mean Highlord Paragraph here likes to retreat into the bottle, and goes all angry drunk and shit?

EITRIGG: And sometimes ends up burning small animals as a result…

MYLUNE: He WHAT?!

TIRION: My fine and noble friend, I would remind you that the episode with the penguins was, in broad, strokes, an isolated incident, and—

MYLUNEPenguins?!

BEN-LIN: Now you see, here we may have a fine instructive moment. While we may all have our moments of anger, it is when we allow that anger to manifest in actions that we risk unleashing the worst upon the loved ones around us…

MYLUNE: <fidgeting nervously and looking to Hamuul> Pen…penguins! What did he do to the penguins…?!

EITRIGG: Suffice to say it involved a cane.

BEN-LIN: And so, when you experience these moments, Tirion, you must remember to use your words.

GARROSH: Wait, seriously?

TIRION: Sage counsel indeed, good Lady Cloudstrider, and perhaps you are right, and I have been far too reticent…

GARROSH: Fucking hell, do you realize what you’re DOING, lady?

MYLUNE: He…he…he attacked the poor penguins with a cane?

EITRIGG: Far better than the kittens got…

TIRION: My dear Eitrigg, you know perfectly well that I take little pride in the unfortunate incident involving the, shall we say, premature feline incendiaries, and—

MYLUNE: Incendi— you burned kittens?!

GARROSH: Yeah, bet you’re glad we don’t have any here now, aren’t you? Not safe to have them around Captain Shortfuse Longwind here.

MYLUNE: <trembling with eyes growing large and dewy> Hamuul, did you hear that? He…he…the kittens…he…

Hamuul pulls a teddy bear out of his pack and dangles it in front of Mylune, who immediately snatches it up.

Oh oh oh what a cute cuddly fuzzy huggy teddy bear squee!

LOR’THEMAR: Wow she’s unstable…

GARROSH: Look in a mirror lately, blondie?  Who are you to judge?

LOR’THEMAR: <jumping up and knocking his chair over> Who am I? WHO AM I? LOR’THEMAR THERON, that’s who! LOR’THE-FUCKING-MAR THERON!

LIADRIN: Sir, really, you should try to—

LOR’THEMAR: You stay out of this, Liadrin! I’ve HAD IT with this walking jaw with a gym card acting like he doesn’t fucking KNOW me!

GARROSH: I know you’ll snap in half nice and easy if you don’t figure out a way to ZIP it right quick, Hair-Care!

MYLUNE: <swaying from side to side while hugging the tebby bear> Oh don’t listen to them, Mr. Huggles, it’s okay, it’s okay! You just be all sweet and snuggly and don’t worry about the mean people!

LOR’THEMAR: Why don’t you MAKE me zip it!  Or do you need damn BOMB to drop on me for that?!

GARROSH: I’ll SHOW you a fucking BOMB, Ponytail!

Garrosh lunges at Lor’themar and flings him violently against the wall. Lor’themar pulls himself up and tries to rush back at Garrosh, only to have Garrosh grab him and put him in a headlock. Mokvar and Liadrin pull at Garrosh’s arm to try to loosen his grip.

MOKVAR: Really, boss, not helping your own cause here…

GARROSH: Hope you weren’t too fond of that frigging OXYGEN, Lor’the-Whatever-the-Fuck-Your-Name-Is!

LOR’THEMAR: <wrenching himself out of Garrosh’s hold and swinging at him wildly> LOR’THEMAR! MY NAME IS LOR’THEMAR! SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Mylune is still rocking back and forth, holding the teddy bear while trembling.

MYLUNE: Now now don’t you let them upset you, Mr. Huggles… <absently rips off one of the teddy bear’s ears> It’s okay…it’s all okay… They’re not mad at you, no no, they’re not… <rips off the bear’s other ear, sobbing> It’s all going to be okay someday, I promise, Huggles, Auntie Luney promises…!

FARANELL: <mouth half-full of popcorn> I love this meeting so much I want to marry it and have a family of little caucuses.

LOR’THEMAR: I’m SICK AND TIRED of being IGNORED by this damn GORILLA!

Mokvar and Liadrin try with mixed success to pull the two away from each other.

GARROSH: Don’t worry, metro, you’ll be getting PLENTY of attention while I’m smearing you all over the floor!

LOR’THEMAR: Stop holding him back! I’m not scared of him! I can take him! Unless maybe he’s POISONED his DAMN AXE again!

GARROSH: OH you will DIE EXTRA SLOW for—

Tirion jumps Garrosh and Lor’themar and pushes them away from each other. He looks back and forth sternly.

TIRION: Gentlemen, please! Surely no one can benefit from our turning on each other in such a way. Now then… <looks back and forth between Garrosh and Lor’themar again> Let’s have a drink. And calm down.

EITRIGG: <sighs> Tirion…

BEN-LIN: It occurs to me that perhaps our goals would be better served by a few one-on-one sessions before we attempt to discuss our issues in a group…

Mylune suddenly grabs Ben-Lin from behind and hugs her back against herself.

MYLUNE: Ohhhh has anyone ever told you you’re like a big giant warm fuzzy snuggly teddy bear yourself, Miss Cloudy-bear?

BEN-LIN: <looking around somewhat panicked, but clearly trying to maintain her composure> So…with that in mind…let us adjourn for the day. I will be in touch with each of you to arrange individual meetings. We…we have much work to do…

LIADRIN: Come on, sir, let’s just go back to Silvermoon…

Liadrin drags Lor’themar out of the room. The others begin to make their way out as well, except for Mylune, who continues hugging Ben-Lin.

MYLUNE: So huggly and cuddly and so so adorable! I could just squeeze you all day, little bear!

Faranell gets up and walks over to Ben-Lin and Mylune on his way toward the door.

FARANELL: So, I’m going to give you my contact info… Please, please tell me if there are any more of these meetings. I will buy a ticket if I need to.

 

This has got to be some kind of a hazing thing. Or Battlewail is doing some kind of weird trial to test my resolve, to see just how serious I am about the Gurtash thing.

Gotta tell you, though, if I have to go hang out with that crew again, I’m not sure I like even that kid enough…

More soon.

 

 

[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]

 

Ragequitters never win

earthonline2

You have logged on.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well that’s the problem with arcane, though.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] for me anyway.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] how you u mean?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey everyone

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well basically it’s just that since the magic isn’t strictly -alive-, it doesn’t read tone very well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] ?

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi pwn

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] so i have to be careful what i say, because the magic tends to take sarcasm literally.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well i mean, why wouldnt it?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What did I just walk in on?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Or do I not want to know?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] This one is pretty harmless.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Edwin and Jaina are deep into magic shop talk.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ah

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] how are you doing, pwn?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well i tend to rely pretty heavily on sarcasm in my day-to-day communication.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Doing okay, gayle

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] hello omgipwnedurface.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yeah, pretty much any time he says something, you want to picture him rolling his eyes

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] good to see you as always.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] see, case in point.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh lol

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] well that might be hard since i dont know what u look like

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] probably just as well.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] i haven’t aged well.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol its ok i like older guys =)

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh i remember that phase

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HEY NOW

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO FLIRTING WITH OTHER MEN!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] lol dont worry sweetie

[Lorthemar] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi lorthemar

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] JUST KIDDING

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE THAT LOL

[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, all.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wow…you know, part of me wants to make a Jaina joke there

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] but mostly I’m just thinking…that poor dragon

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, Lorthemar.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] hi lor

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I still say scalies just creep me out.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] are you new in the guild?

[Guild][Lorthemar] No.

[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar] Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’ve been in the guild for months.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] oh ok

[Guild][Lorthemar] I don’t understand why people can’t remember who I am.

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [Q’est-ce Que C’est]

[LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] has earned the achievement [United Nations]!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] grats BQ!

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] grats

[Guild][Lorthemar] Congratulations!

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Thank you, all. ^_^

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Wait, you got the United Nations achievement?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] unless the game ui is trying to pull a fast one on you.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Indeed!

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Exalted with EVERY national faction? HOW?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Admittedly, that last rep grind was particularly onerous.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Which one?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] France.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez yeah

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The French don’t like anybody

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not so; they’re quite fond of me now.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually, let me take care of this while I’m thinking of it

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s that?

[EdwardBear | Ji] has joined the guild.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] welcome!

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] welcome ed

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Who’s this now?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ji Firepaw

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He overheard me talking about the game with Spazzle a couple days ago and got curious

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Ah…well this should be entertaining.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] How are the new pandaren recruits working out so far, Warchief?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Eh…sort of a mixed bag

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They mean well, but…I don’t know. We’ll see

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] brb

[Guild][Lorthemar] Welcome to the guild!

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] So I’m guessing he’s REALLY newbish.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, he’s going to be pretty green

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Speaking of which

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] he seems quiet.

[GilbertRose | Dontrag] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi gil

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Edward, type /g to talk in guild chat

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hello, Utvoch.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] can you see this?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ah there we are

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no this is dontrag

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Welcome aboard, Ed.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, Edward.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Is this your first time logging onto Earth Online in general?

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] And, are you sure, Utvoch? I could swear you were Utvoch, Dontrag.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] no, i logged on for a little while last night

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it looks fun

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yes i’m sure

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh, so this is your first Earth Online character?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] we’ve talked about this before

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well if you’re so sure about it, I don’t see why we would have had to discuss it repeatedly.

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But if you insist, I suppose I’ll take your word on being Dontrag, Utvoch.

[Guild][Lorthemar] A double welcome to you, then!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] are you new too?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You really love messing with him, don’t you?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Why yes. Yes I do.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Whichever one of them he actually is.

[Guild][Lorthemar] sigh

[Guild][Lorthemar] No, I’m not.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Can you blame me, really?

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new.

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] are you sure your not new lor?

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag]   dont think i’ve seen you on before

[Guild][Lorthemar] Yes I’m sure.

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’m not new, for the hundredth time.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] well of course you’re not new for the hundredth time. that wouldn’t be new.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you can only be new once.

[Guild][Lorthemar] …

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what class are you playing ed?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Just say the word if you need any help with anything, Edward.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] I know some things can be a little confusing at first.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a farmer

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Hmm, I’ve never played one of those.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they don’t really sound too exciting to play

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh hey, I’ve got my Refer-a-Friend pet now

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What kind?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You should have gotten one too, Edward

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] A dog

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t you already have one?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i get it?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, but the RAF is a random draw from a bunch of breeds

[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] There are a lot of different breeds.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You already have it, Edward.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So for instance, this one I just got is a cocker spaniel

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] If you go to the bottom of your screen, you can open your pet catalog.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] omg i love the new pet sparring!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh there it is

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] what kind did you get?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how can i see the details?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click on it.

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] anyway we should get going, we have lunch plans

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] bye leslie

[Guild][Lorthemar] Eat well!

[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BYE EVERYONE

[Guild][Proudleslie | Jaina] byeeeee

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok i think i see it now

[Proudleslie | Jaina] has logged off.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] What’s the verdict?

[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] it says it’s called a poodle

[Guild][Lorthemar] You can name it, too, if you want to.

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Those are those fru-fru looking dogs, right?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they’re supposed to be smart

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] how do i do that?

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] you mean they make good spellcasters? or the coders gave them a slightly less nonsensical AI?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right click again, then pick “rename.”

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thank you

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No problem.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] By the way, Garrosh, did you ever end up talking to the orphanage about Gurtash?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I put out a few feelers

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Gurtash is that orphan boy who’s been helping take care of the Warchief’s wyvern?

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Garrosh was thinking of maybe seeing about adopting him.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] ok done

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] done what?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s…that’s remarkable.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Right now Battlewail has me in a holding pattern. Something about questions about my temperament

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named the pet

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh nice

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A preposterous dispersion against your character, Warchief.

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So there’s some meeting they want me to go to with Social Services later this week

[SteveKravitz | Utvoch] has logged on.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi steve

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] hey

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hang on…we have a Department of Social Services?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Who knew, right?

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That -had- to have been a Thrall program.

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, I mean…where the hell have THEY been?

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] hi guys

[Guild][Lorthemar] So what did you end up naming the pet, Edward?

[Guild][Lorthemar] Greetings, Steve!

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i named her winnie

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know

[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] sup man

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Not sure what the deal is with the meeting, but I guess some of the pandas are involved somehow

[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] after my aunt, jae win

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] she had similarly poofy hair

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] not too much

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, not too clear about any more than that

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh actually

[Guild][Lorthemar] That works.

[Guild][Lorthemar] Winnie the poodle has a certain ring to it.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] thanks

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey who’s the new guy?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey Ji, quick question

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just joined the guild today

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] nice to meet you

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no not you

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes warchief? i mean guildmaster

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i meant the other new guy

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lorthemar

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You might know something about this

[Guild][Lorthemar] ugh

[Guild][Lorthemar] Okay, SERIOUSLY

[Guild][Lorthemar] Enough is enough already.

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ?

[Guild][Lorthemar] Oh sure, “?” at me

[Guild][Lorthemar] Well I’ll see your “?” and raise you a “!!!”

[Guild][Lorthemar] Because I’m SICK AND TIRED of nobody around here ever knowing WHO THE HELL I AM

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Um, what’s this guy’s damage?

[Guild][Lorthemar] So I’m going to explain this ONE MORE TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar] SO GRAB A DAMN CRAYON TO WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

[Guild][Lorthemar] I

[Guild][Lorthemar] AM NOT

[Guild][Lorthemar] NEW

[Guild][Lorthemar] Is that CLEAR enough for you IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar] I HAVE BEEN IN THIS GODDAMN GUILD FOR MONTHS

[Guild][Lorthemar] I CAN REMEMBER BEING ONLINE WHEN HALF YOU OTHER PEOPLE JOINED

[Guild][Lorthemar] I’M NOT A RECRUIT, I’M NOT SOMEBODY’S COUSIN

[Guild][Lorthemar] I AM LOR’THEMAR THERON, DAMMIT!

[Guild][Lorthemar] REGENT LORD OF QUEL’THALAS

[Guild][Lorthemar] It NOT HARD to remember that part

[Guild][Lorthemar] LOOK

[Guild][Lorthemar] <–

[Guild][Lorthemar] SEE HOW THAT WORKS, YOU MOUTHBREATHING IDIOTS?

[Guild][Lorthemar] “Lorthemar”…IS LOR’THEMAR

[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT’S ME

[Guild][Lorthemar] LOR’THEMAR FUCKING THERON

[Guild][Lorthemar] RULER OF THE BLOOD ELVES

[Guild][Lorthemar] ME

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] oh hi, lorthemar. welcome to the guild.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] did you just join?

[Guild][Lorthemar] sdfghliuhurtyhweuirthlidrhglsdajghfljksdhg

[Guild][Lorthemar] THAT DOES IT THE HELL WITH YOU ALL

[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] um no prof he just said he’s been in the guild a while

[Lorthemar] has logged off.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well what crawled up his ass?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s a blood elf. Who knows

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] um

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] people don’t usually get that upset about this game, do they?

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, well…

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] your naivete is adorable.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Quick pointer, Ji…don’t queue for any battlegrounds.

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or dungeons

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Or pay attention to trade chat when you’re in the major cities.

[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] and while you’re at it you might just want to uninstall the whole game right now and cancel your internet service.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh. um.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i guess i’ll go back to leveling

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Where in the world are you?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] orgrimmar

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No, I mean, where in the game?

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] But like I was starting to say like ten minutes ago

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i just got sent to a region called siberia

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Do you know anything about these meetings your panda friends are working on for Social Services, Ji?

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] a little bit, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] the orphan matron suggested i arrange for some of my people to help

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] since pandaren culture places great value on being centered and grounded emotionally

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, you guys do seem very even keel

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] we try to be, yes sir

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] so a few of my people are helping hold some sessions on some of our methods and principles

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] particularly for controlling anger

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So ANOTHER one basically telling me I have a temper?

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see i TOLD you you needed to work on not being angry all the time

[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] YOU stay out of this

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] oh hey

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well clearly i’m not the only one thinking it!

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Clearly a sign of their failure to appreciate the pressures and stresses that come with the laudable work you do day in and day out.

[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] When you’re not playing video games or blogging.

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] i was going around fighting a few things for xp, when these mobster npcs attacked me and ran off

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] and now i have things missing from my inventory

[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh those russian mob guys are nasty

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] You said you were in Siberia?

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Okay, so I think I need to go do some checking on this

[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’ll be back

[Guild][EdwardBear | Ji] yes

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Yeah, you have to watch for that.

[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] In Soviet Russia, mobs farm you.

You have logged off.

 

Monday mailbag

mailbag17

Well, I asked for reports from the field, and as always, my LOYAL READERS AND MINIONS stepped up to the plate and delivered. There were a bunch of you who offered your scouting reports from Pandaria in the comments on my original post – I’d recommend having a look if you missed them, so you can see some of the early recon reports along with my responses – while some of you decided to write in to me directly.

So, let’s have at it.

 

This first one was actually posted as an open letter on Vanicus’ blog, which I’m reproducing here:

Dear Warchief,

You requested reports from the field in Pandaria. I have recently been on assignment in the southernmost part of the continent, in an area known as the Krasarang Wilds. It was there that I ran into a bipedal reptilian species known as the Saurok. I was fighting three of these creatures when, unbeknownst to me, a fourth unstealthed behind me. Suddenly this flying ball of fur and claws whipped past my head, and when I bested my opponents and turned around, this tiny windrider cub had attached himself to the Saurok’s face. Henceforth, he has followed me everywhere, and, given his bravery, loyalty, and ability to watch my back even at such a young age, I thought it appropriate to give him a worthy name. I have long been an admirer of your own Mortimer, and hope that mine will live up to the name.

vanicusmortimer

F.Y.V.

–Crusader Vanicus, Krasarang Wilds

Okay, so you know what, Vanicus? That’s just fantastic. Glad to see you getting on board the wyverns-are-awesome bandwagon. Believe me, you won’t regret keeping the little guy around. If anything, he’s sure to provide you with heaps of entertainment when enemies underestimate him and then promptly find themselves getting WTFpwned.

One recommendation, though – make sure you’re diligent about keeping your food stored away somewhere he can’t get to it. And do NOT underestimate the little furball when you’re sizing up “somewhere he can’t get to it.” Those wyverns are RESOURCEFUL. Seriously. I’m at least 80% sure that a group of wyverns could cure cancer tomorrow if they thought there was a crate of fresh clefthoof steak in it for them. And the last thing you need with ANY pet is for them to start getting fat, much less a pet whose calling card is the ability to FLY.

Side note, by the way – I’ve gotten a few notices on the Krasarang Wilds area. Sounds like an interesting place, definitely worth keeping in mind for future operations. It also seems like a fairly tropical area, which I have to say sounds kind of odd. Follow along with me here: Pandaria is in the southern end of the ocean. The Krasarang Wilds cover the southernmost part of the continent. Which means that that zone should be relatively close to Azeroth’s south pole, so…you know…shouldn’t it be kind of COLD there? Rather than all jungly and hospitable for cold-blooded reptilian races?

I mean, I would boggle more at the utter weirdness of Azerothian geography that it apparently gets WARMER as you go from the equator to the south pole, but then again, I hail from the shattered remains of a planet consisting of one big, flat chunk of rock that somehow still manages to maintain an atmosphere and gravitational field. So, you know, who am I to criticize?

 

Dear Warchief,

I have begun my exploration of Pandaria as you requested. I am currently focusing my attention on a region called the Valley of the Four Winds. I must admit that my exploration has slowed down a lot here as the locals have offered me the chance to take up farming! This was very new and exciting for me. Having grown up in Silvermoon, I never had the chance to take up agriculture. With all the mages, we would usually just conjure up our food. You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes to have the fresh grown variety!

I would highly recommend paying a visit here when you have the chance, if only for the cuisine. I’ve always been an amateur cook (I even made my EO character the chef class!) and I’m amazed by the variety of cooking styles here. There are whole schools of recipes, like the wok, the grill, the steamer, etc. I may need to get out of here before I get fat.

–Tandeleina, Halfhill

Oh come on now – you’re a blood elf, right? Has a blood elf EVER gotten fat? Or is that just because of the whole magic addiction thing? Once you start using the Arcane Patch, does that put you in danger of putting on some pounds?

Anyway, Tandeleina, thanks for writing. I guess it’ll be a good thing that our troops will be eating well once they get down there. I can’t say I’m surprised that the pandas went all out developing different styles of cooking, considering how seriously they take their beer-brewing. Eat, drink, and be merry, right?

Also, since you mentioned Earth Online, can I just say how MADDENING it is to level the cooking secondary profession there? Maybe it’s different when it’s your actual character class, but those recipes are INSANE. They use like ten times as many ingredients as anything in real life, and the process of cooking them is so ridiculously long and complicated. I don’t know how ANYONE has the patience to level that shit up.

 

Greetings, Warchief:

I have spent most of my time in Pandaria studying the geology and mineralogy of this new continent. I am pleased to report an unusually high concentration of a new metal ore in this region, (called “ghost iron” by the local residents). Said ore contains a great number of high quality (and very beautiful) gems which are able to absorb and store an astonishing amount of magical essence — almost six and a half times more than the highest quality of gem previously known. Day by day I continue my research in this area. I believe my findings shall be most profitable.

However, this new continent may provide the solution to an even more desperate material concern: that of provisioning our armies and feeding our citizens. I am no agricultural expert, but even I can tell that gaining control of the region known as the Valley of the Four Winds would solve this problem at a stroke. Since words are insufficient to explain what I mean, I have enclosed a picture:

nofoodshortage

As you can see, this land is incredibly fertile and produces vegetables the size of which can scarcely be comprehended. Local farmers attribute the size of their crops to the magical waters that pour into the valley. I respectfully recommend further research into the properties of this water.

There are a few other oddities that might deserve further study. For instance, I have no idea what to make of the flocks of flying turtles:

flyingturtlesftw

They seemed harmless enough… but one can never be too certain. I noticed a mage running around near the turtles cackling maniacally, so perhaps the turtles have some detrimental effect on the mind? So I killed them. The turtles and the mage. Just to be safe.

Finally, I hear that you are looking to procure new creatures for gladiatorial combat. Might I recommend pitting some of the Pandarian virmen against some murlocs?

Respectfully Yours,

–Karalina, Valley of the Four Winds

Thanks for writing, Karalina, but man, what’s up with everybody thinking with their stomachs today? Do you know Tandeleina? Were you two roommates at Silvermoon University or something, and took on the freshman fifteen together?

So, on the plus side, HOLY CRAP them’s some huge vegetables. On the down side…well, they’re frigging VEGETABLES. Show me a magical, bottomless source of 800-pound slabs of bacon, and THEN I’ll be impressed. Still, I suppose the giant rabbit food must be good for something. Other than, you know, raising giant rabbits. Or are you going to tell me they have those out there, too? Point being, though, I suppose giant carrots and cabbages and such would probably be pretty handy to someone. They’d probably go over like gangbusters at the salad bars they have up in Silvermoon. And they might actually make for a nice finishing touch over in the Valley of Spirits, come to think of it. (You trolls wanted more food? WELL HERE YOU GO, HAVE SOME MORE MOTHERFUCKING FOOD.)

Interesting about the water up there, though. Definitely something to follow up on. I may see about getting Faranell down there on assignment to do some alchemical research on the stuff. You know, as soon as I can arrange for some supervision for him, to make sure he doesn’t default to old habits and next thing we know the whole valley is one giant orchard of 50-pound PlagueApples. (I can just hear him now – “Well no, green apple is a very popular flavor these days.” “GREEN apple, Edwin, not fucking GREEN AND FUMING NOXIOUS VAPORS…”)

What are these “virmen” things, by the way? Whatever they are, gotta admit, setting ANYTHING up to kill murlocs for my amusement is going to be a pretty easy sell.

 

This letter arrives on a very, very long scroll of parchment which is almost completely covered in drawings. The words of the letter are scattered almost randomly throughout the sketches of Kalimdor creatures, and the ink colors of both drawings and words span the entire rainbow. Surprisingly, the handwriting is rather legible, despite a few mirrored letters and shaky lines.

Deer Mr Warcheif Sir,

Mr U and Mr D hav bin very nice to me. They told me what you sed, and I hav sum ansers for you. I had cak becuz I askd for it, and becuz I wud hav made it myself if no one did for me. I sed so, and evryon ran around making cak for me. It was funni. I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos. Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to. He helpd me find tings to do to. Iv helpd a lot of peeple now, and they all gav me munny and new armer. I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders. Now that I can fly, Im a big drewd. I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted. Can I help you? Im a big drewd now, and I want to do things like Mr U and Mr D get to.

The letter is signed with an inky pawprint and the name “Taktani” in multicolored inks.

Oh boy.  Here we go again.  Hang on a second while I fire up the TranslationMaster 2000 for this.

TranslationMaster 2000
© Fizzletrinket Technologies
Your free trial period has expired. Please register your paid copy and enter your registration code in the field below.

…The FUCK?! Spazzle set up a fucking paid registration system for this thing?! Since when has he been trying to milk money out of people with his little dorky side projects? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a GOBLIN, so I guess the answer to that would be since fucking EVER. I’ll have to remember to strangle a registration code out of him later.

Anyway, I think I can handle this one myself. I hope.

Okay, so apparently she’s hanging around with Dontrag and Utvoch, which, you know, better her than me.

I did meet Mr D to, but he dosnt lik me as much as Mr U dos.

Holy freaking hell, I hope this is just the dumbass illiterate way she spells “like.” Please, please, spirits help me, for the love of all that’s good and vengeful, tell me she means “like” here, because if it’s option B, I seriously don’t know if I’ll be able to live.

Mr U is trying to help me rite and spell bettr to.

Riddle me this, Rexxar: which is more horrifying, the idea of Utvoch TEACHING someone writing skills, or the fact that the student in question could probably legitimately use his help?

I’m pretty sure language itself just threw up in its mouth a little.

I also lerned how to fly! Mr U and Mr D are jellis, becuz I can turn into a burd and they cant. They cant fly unless they hav wind riders.

Hey now, go ahead and enjoy your damn druid flight form, but you watch what you say about windriders, little Miss Veal Chop on Wings. We’ve already covered the wyvern pride in this mailbag.

I was going to com see you and ask if I can help you, but Mr U and Mr D told me that when they talk to you, they get hit and dont get to say what they want to say. I was skerd youd hit me too. So I wrot a lettr insted.

D&U have sadly misinformed you if they’ve led you to believe that continuing to send me these letters would DECREASE the chance of your getting smacked around. I swear, between D&U’s talking and this chick’s writing, it’s like they’re coordinating to make sure they’ve got mental anguish for Garrosh covered across every medium.

Anyway, though…since it seems like you really do want to help, and you’ve cleared out all the busywork in Kalimdor… Why don’t you drop by the Dark Portal and see if they can use any help in Outland. I bet they’ll have lots of stuff for you to do. Hell, I hear your Cenarion druid hippie buddies even have a whole thing going on out there. That should keep you occupied for a while. (And seriously, I’m kind of disappointed in myself for not thinking of this until now – why did it not occur to me that I could frigging send Dontrag and Utvoch TO ANOTHER PLANET?)

 

Greetings Warchief,

I have made a grave mistake. I am a Pandaren from the Wandering Island and decided to take up traveling after meeting some strangers from the Alliance and Horde. I was told I would have to pick which faction I wished to join. I decided on joining the Alliance because Aysa Cloudsinger was a cousin of mine. It was a big mistake. Varian Wyrnn is a complete pushover. I was able to easily knock him down when he asked for a sparring session. I need a leader that instill fear into his enemies and Varian is clearly not the one to do that. I humbly ask if you would allow me to join the Horde so that I may hold my head high when I am fighting.

fyv

Eagerly awaiting your answer,

–Windblossom, Stormwind

You know, when the Huojin Pandaren showed up in Orgrimmar, I gave them all this big speech about how any of their panda friends who chose to side with the Alliance were dead to them now. And I’d already decided that I was going to stick to a “You made your bed, now lie in it” policy for any pandas who had gone to the other side.

But you know…

Heh.

In this case, I’ve gotta say…

Hehe. Heh heh. Hehehe heh.

Hehe.

Hehe heh HAH hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT’S just FUCKING AWESOME.

<looks at picture again>

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAA!!!!

<chucklecrying>

Welcome to the Horde, Windblossom. F.Y.V.!

 

That’s it for this week, kids. I need to go find a tissue. Holy shit, my sides hurt.

 

 

HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH HEE HEEEE HAAA!

Fuck I love my readers.

<snort>

 

The Wizard of Zhan, Act 3

operahouse8

The curtain rises on the exterior of Karazhan. Garrosh et al approach the front gate.

GARROSH: Okay, so this is the place…

FARANELL: Weren’t we just here not too long ago?

Garrosh knocks on the door. A window on the door slides open, and Berhold the doorman sticks his head out.

BERTHOLD: Who goes there? What business do you have at the master’s Dark Tower?

GARROSH: We’ve come to see the Wizard.

DONTRAG: The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

UTVOCH: We hear he’s sage—

Garrosh smacks Utvoch.

GARROSH: Now don’t you get started with that shit again!

BERTHOLD: The Wizard? You can’t see the Wizard! No one sees the Wizard!

GARONA: Here’s where I grease the wheels… You remember me, don’t you, Berthold?

BERTHOLD: <leans out a bit more, squinting> Hmm, well…oh…oh goodness…lady Garona? Is it really you?

GARONA: It’s good to see you again, Berthold. Could you please go in and tell the Wizard it’s me?

BERTHOLD: Well, um, of course, m’lady. I’ll just be a moment.

Berthold disappears inside and the window closes.

GARONA: <grinning smugly> See? Now we just wait a minute or two, and then they’ll roll out the welcome mat.

GARROSH: How do you know this guy, anyway?

GARONA: I guess you could say we had sort of a thing back in the day.

GARROSH:  Suddenly this Wizard’s judgment is seeming a little suspect.

GARONA: What’s that supposed to mean?

Just in front of the door, a heavy portcullis suddenly comes crashing down.

FARANELL: Um, unless welcome mats have been radically redesigned lately…

GARONA: Hang on.

Garona raps on the door angrily. The window opens and Berthold looks out again.

BERTHOLD: Yes?

GARONA: Didn’t you tell him it was me?

BERTHOLD: Yes!

Berthold slams the window shut.

GARONA: Well I…I…

GARROSH: Okay, so I stand corrected on this Wizard guy.

MOKVAR: Well now we have a minor problem about getting in to see him.

GARROSH: Anyone else have any bright ideas?

FARANELL: Garrosh, let me see that Focusing Iris?

GARROSH: You’re not going to try to blow up the gate and get us all killed or something, are you?

FARANELL: Not all of us.

MOKVAR: Reassuring.

FARANELL: But really, let me see it. I think I know how to appeal to him.

GARROSH: <handing the Focusing Iris to Faranell> You think you can get us in, run with it, man.

Faranell knocks on the door; the window opens, and Berthold looks out.

BERTHOLD: Are you all still here?

FARANELL: Yeah, so listen—

BERTHOLD: Good heavens, what happened to you? You look like death warmed over!

FARANELL: Yeah, yeah, I’m undead. So anyway—

BERTHOLD: Undead? That must be a horrible fate.

FARANELL: Yeah, well, take a good long look at the future, smart guy. Are you done interrupting me now? Yeah? Good. So, check this out. I know your boss isn’t in much of a hurry to be reunited with little miss sunshine over here, but I think he’d be very interested in getting a peek at this.

Faranell holds up the Focusing Iris.

You go on back inside and tell him that the bearer of the Focusing Iris is here, and might be persuaded to let him check out the number one item on every magic user’s Winter’s Veil list, okay?

BERTHOLD: Huh…if you say so, sir…

Berthold disappears inside.

MOKVAR: You think he’s going to go for it?

FARANELL: Trust me, I know how to appeal to another mage.

GARROSH: Let’s hope.

Accompanied by the sound of rattling chains, the portcullis rises back up, and the door swings open.

FARANELL: And there we go.

GARROSH: Nice job, Doc. Now we’re in business. Let’s go finish this…

The group walks through the gate.

Blackout. Garrosh and the others enter a large chamber filled with relics, vials, and other magic paraphernalia. Tapestries and ornate curtains decorate those portions of the walls not covered with tall bookshelves.

GARROSH: Huh… Well this looks like the kind of place a wizard would hang out, but where is he?

A booming voice echoes through the room.

VOICE: You have come to seek an audience with the great and powerful Wizard of Zhan?

GARONA: Oh boy, here he goes.

GARROSH: <looking around> Uh, yeah, we do, if he can bother dragging his butt out here so we can actually see him.

VOICE: You dare presume to speak to the great Wizard with such familiarity, mortal? You shall count yourself fortunate that the Wizard does not smite you where you stand!

UTVOCH: Wait, he’s a priest? I thought he was a mage.

MOKVAR: Is he always like this?

GARONA: Oh you have no idea. All the time with the talking about himself in the third person.

In the middle of the room, a towering, semi-transparent avatar of Medivh appears.

MEDIVH: The Wizard of Zhan has been informed that one among you carries the storied Focusing Iris! It is for this reason alone that you have been permitted into this sanctified chamber!

GARONA: Oh, and there he is, finally. And thank you, dear, for that very warm welcome.

MEDIVH: <looks at Garona> Oh. Delightful.

GARONA: Oh, really? You want to know what else is delightful? Being a single mom trying to give her son a good life when the kid’s high-and-mighty richer-than-Aman’thul dad for some reason can’t be bothered to mail off a child support payment!

MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan does not have time to trifle with these petty—

GARONA: Oh, sure, when it’s something I want to talk about…

GARROSH: So listen, Your Wizardry, we have the Focusing Iris—

MEDIVH: Indeed, hence you are here in my chamber, and not cast out to the ogres! I will be most interested to examine the relic, and—

GARROSH: Yeah, well, here’s the thing, chief – before we let you go poking around with the shiny, we have a few things of our own that we could use a hand with.

MEDIVH: You dare dictate terms to the great and mighty Wizard!

GARONA: Oh man, he’s really in form today…

FARANELL: If you’d rather not be bothered we can just be along our way.

MEDIVH: <chuckles> You mortals have daring, I’ll grant you that much.

Medivh looks around the group, eyeing them carefully.

I will hear your requests.

GARONA: Hold the presses, he just called himself “I.”

MEDIVHAnd you would do well to still her tongue.

GARROSH: Been working on that for months, chief. No luck so far.

MEDIVH: At any rate – present your entreaties, but remember the Wizard makes no promises.

GARROSH: We each have something we’re after, Wiz. In my case, I’m trying to find a way to summon Prince Malchezaar down from the Netherspace, so I can put him in the ground before the Burning Legion can pull him out of mothballs to stir up trouble for my people.

MEDIVH: Ah, yes, the irksome demon who’s tucked himself away in the upper levels. You intrigue me, mortal; I must say it would be no small pleasure to have that particular infestation removed from this place…

GARROSH: Okay, so far so good. Meanwhile…well…the rest of the requests are a little more personalized.

DONTRAG: Shall we present our case to the great and metallurgical Wizard, sir, and—

GARROSH: <smacking Dontrag> For spirits’ sake, no.

MOKVAR: Dontrag and Utvoch here would like some brains.

UTVOCH: Indeed, sir!

DONTRAG: <rubbing his head> So as not to have our current ones beaten out quite so often, sir.

GARROSH: And for real, anything you could do on that count, I mean, I can’t possibly overstate how much of a quality of life improvement that could be for everyone involved.

MOKVAR: As for the rest of us… A heart for me.

GARROSH: Because apparently he’s still moping over his ex-wife or something.

GARONA: Could you be any more insensitive?

FARANELL: And some guts for me.

UTVOCH: I still don’t really think you need—

MEDIVHEnough of your insipid prattling, insects!

GARROSH: Yelling doesn’t do much good with this crowd, Wiz. Don’t think I haven’t tried.

MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan has heard your requests, and in light of the possibility of studying the Focusing Iris, has deemed them acceptable.

GARROSH: Awesome, Wiz.

FARANELL: See, I told you the Iris was our ticket in.

MOKVAR: So is there a spell or an incantation you have to do on us, or…?

MEDIVHSilence, mortals! I have not yet finished! I will grant your requests, but first I require you to perform a task on my behalf!

MOKVAR: Uh oh.

DONTRAG: I knew there was going to be a catch…

MOKVAR: We’re going to have to kill something, aren’t we?

GARROSH: So hang on, when you say we have to do a task for you, is this a for real task, or one of those busywork kind of tasks, because you’re talking to an old pro at doling out those…

FARANELL: Personally I think the whole getting-to-work-on-the-Iris thing should be enough of a trade-off on our part, but…

MEDIVHBleat at me no longer, fools!

MOKVAR: …Ouch.

FARANELL: That was kind of a good one, actually.

MEDIVH: Before the mighty and magnanimous Wizard grants your request, he demands that you return to him another magic relic of great power: you are to slay the Wicked Witch of the West, and recover from her the Doomstone.

GARROSH: Hang on, the Wicked Witch of the West? That’s Magatha, isn’t it?

GARONA: Yeah.

GARROSH: So we get what we came for, AND I get to kill Magatha?

FARANELL: Didn’t you already kill her in the other timeline?

GARROSH: Trust me, dude, it never gets old.

MEDIVH: You shall venture to the odious lair of the Wicked Witch, where you shall slay her and return with the powerful Doomstone. You must not shy away from this task, for if you fail to carry out this duty—

GARROSH: Dude, it’s cool, done and done.

MEDIVH: Excellent! Be warned, however, the lair of the Wicked Witch of the West shall not be breached easily. It lies in the Mountains of Twilight, in the dread Bastion of the Dying Day. The journey shall be long and arduous, and you will find many trials between here and—

FARANELL: <holding up the Focusing Iris and channeling a spell> Yeah, stoke that noise. Portal to BoT coming up!

Faranell completes the spell and teleports the group away, other than Garona.

MEDIVH: <sighs> Mortals.

Blackout. In an inner chamber of the Bastion of Twilight, Magatha peers into an Eye of Twilight. Beside her hunches Zhi-Zhi, dressed in armor and sporting bat-like wings on his back; around the room similar winged monkey creatures scurry.

MAGATHA: The visions have grown cloudy…they may have reached Karazhan, but no matter – soon enough we’ll find them, and the Focusing Iris will be—

In a flash of light, Garrosh et all appear in the middle of the room. The group appears briefly disoriented as they look around.

FARANELL: Okay, here we are!

MOKVAR: <looking around> Are…are those flying monkeys?

MAGATHA: Well then! All the better! No need to go out hunting for them – the fools have delivered themselves right into my very lair!

ZHI-ZHI: Now! Now we get them, your Witchy-wooken-ness ma’am! Hozen do good and get the dookin’—

MAGATHA: <smacking Zhi-Zhi> Shut up, you insipid preliterate orang utan! Get them!

ZHI-ZHIAhhh! Stop hitting Zhi-Zhi!

DONTRAG: I know the feeling, ape guy…

ZHI-ZHI: Get them! Get them!

More monkeys swarm into the room and start running to surround Garrosh’s group, which backs up toward stage right. Magatha runs back and forth in the background, overlooking the scene. Arikara flies in and swoops back and forth above them.

GARROSH: That’s…a whole lot of monkeys.

FARANELL: Plus that wind serpent…

Mortimer leaps into the air and barrels into Arikara with a snarl, knocking them both offstage to the left.

GARROSH: Yeah, I’m not so worried about the wind serpent.

The monkeys descend in bunches, attacking the group.

The chimp brigade, on the other hand…

The Horde group starts to fight off the monkeys; they cut the monkeys down easily enough, but by sheer force of numbers, Magatha’s attackers push Garrosh et al further back.

Magatha descends and begins shooting chain lightning.

MAGATHA: Hahaha! You fools made my work that much easier! Now the Focusing Iris will be mine, and—

Faranell runs up to Magatha and splashes her from a bucket.

AAAHH!! I’m melting! I’m melting! AAAAHHH!!!

Screaming all the way, Magatha melts into a sizzling brown puddle on the floor.

GARROSH: Um, hang on a second. She melted? Fucking WATER killed her?

FARANELL: No. That wasn’t water.

MOKVAR: What was it, then?

FARANELL: Acidic plague.

GARROSH: You walk around with a bucket of acidic plague?

FARANELL: Do you not know what I do for a living?

ZHI-ZHI: The Wicked Witch – she’s dead! You killed her!

MOKVAR: Uh oh. Bracing for pissed-off monkeys.

ZHI-ZHI: She’s dead! She’s dead! Hozen are free! Free of the Witch!

Zhi-Zhi starts jumping up and down jubilantly, with the other monkeys following his lead in short order. Mortimer wanders in and sits, munching on a wind serpent wing.

DONTRAG: I guess this is good?

MOKVAR: As long as they don’t start fliging poop around, I think we’re okay.

ZHI-ZHI: No more beatings from Wicked Witch! We friends now! Friends of the hozen!

Faranell prods Magatha’s remains, rummaging through the remains of her cloak.

MOKVAR: Be careful there, Edwin – are you sure you should be poking around in that stuff?

FARANELL: <continues rummaging> Oh, yes, you’re right, I’d better be careful not to touch any of the plague, or else my flesh might decompose and I might die and OH WAIT.

Faranell pulls a polished gray stone from Magatha’s cloak and tosses it to Garrosh.

Here we go. Mission accomplished.

ZHI-ZHI: Yes!  You take Doomstone – reward for killing Wicked Witch! And hozen will follow you now!

GARROSH: Don’t I know you from somewhere?

ZHI-ZHI: <scratching his head> Ever been to Tian Monastery?

GARROSH: Never heard of it.

MOKVAR: Well, other than that one time.

ZHI-ZHI: <still scratching his head> Dunno then…

GARROSH: <shrugs> Whatever.

FARANELL: Portal back to the Wizard?

GARROSH: Yeah, let’s get a move on.

ZHI-ZHI: Hozen come too! Follow new leader! Leader who free hozen!

GARROSH: Uh, yeah, dude, listen, I’ve already got my quota filled on preliterate knuckle-dragging lackeys, okay?

DONTRAG: Sorry, sir.

FARANELL: Okay, gentlemen, here we go…

Faranell casts a portal spell and teleports the group away. Zhi-Zhi remains with the other winged monkeys; he looks around dejectedly, then sneers at the spot where Garrosh had been standing.

ZHI-ZHIStill not the one!

Blackout. In the Wizard of Zhan’s chamber, Garrosh et al port in, joining Medivh, Garona, and Liadrin.

MEDIVH: Ah, you’ve returned! The mighty but restless Wizard of Zhan is both pleased and not inconsiderably relieved at your timely return!

MOKVAR: You were worried about us?

MEDIVH: Not especially. But since your departure, your…colleague has scarcely shut up.

GARONA: Well sue me for thinking you might want to catch up a little. It’s not like we have a kid together or anything.

GARROSH: <looking to Liadrin> And hang on, what are YOU doing here?

LIADRIN: You think I would miss this floor show?

GARROSH: Well you know, if you were going to come here anyway, you could have maybe stayed with us and used some of your magic to help move things along.

LIADRIN: And then what would you have learned?

GARROSH: I didn’t learn a damn thing as it is, other than “Watch where you step around monkeys” and “Don’t get too close if you see a walking corpse with a bucket”!

FARANELL: You know I’m standing right here.

LIADRIN: Two valuable life lessons.

GARROSH: …I seriously need some new friends.

MEDIVHAt any rate.

GARROSH: Yeah, PLEASE get us back to business.

MEDIVH: You have brought the Doomstone, as I instructed?

GARROSH: <holds up the Doomstone> Got it right here.

MEDIVH: Excellent. Now you shall hand over the relic, and—

GARROSH: Not so fast, translucent boy. First you give us what we came here for, THEN we’ll give you the doohicky.

MEDIVH: You dare try to dictate terms to the great and powerful Wizard of Zhan, mortal? I should liquidate you for your presumption alone!

Mortimer, who has been sniffing around the various tapestries that cover parts of the walls, tugs back one curtain to reveal a control panel covered with elaborate levers, buttons, and monitors, manned by a Forsaken male dressed in warrior’s plate.

GARROSH: Uh, who’s that?

The Forsaken man speaks into a microphone on the control panel, and his words are echoed by Medivh.

AVERRY and MEDIVH: Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!

FARANELL: Well that’s…odd.

GARROSH: The hell?

GARONA: I don’t even want to think about the implications of this for me.

AVERRY and MEDIVH: Silence, you foolish mortals! Pay him no mind!

GARROSH: Dude, we can see you’re the one doing the talking.

UTVOCH: I’m confused.

FARANELL: Imagine our astonishment.

Averry looks back at the others and hurriedly pulls the curtain closed again.

GARROSH: Now then, insects, you will disregard the man behind the— Oh. Oops. Wrong button.

MEDIVH: That’s better. Now then, insects, you will disregard the man behind the curtain, and put him out of mind!

ALL: What man behind the curtain whom we certainly don’t remember seeing?

MEDIVH: Much better.

GARROSH: Look, can we just get what we came here for so we can get this whole freak show over with?

LIADRIN: It probably would be just as easy to do it this way, Guardian.

MEDIVH: <sighs> Very well. Have your companions step forward…

Mokvar, Faranell, Dontrag, and Utvoch step closer to Medivh. Medivh looks to Faranell.

First you, my fellow – albeit preposterously less mighty – mage.

FARANELL: Can’t anyone be one of the best at their class without being an elitist jerk about it?

MEDIVH: You came, as I recall, seeking guts – and yet I daresay you suffer from disorganized thinking. To flee from danger is, in many cases, not cowardice, but wisdom. Indeed, in my day I have known many a soul called a hero, who carried out great deeds of valiance, and they had no more courage than—

FARANELL: No, no, you’re taking this too metaphorically.

MEDIVH: Pardon?

FARANELL: I don’t need guts because I think I’m a coward. Look at me. Half my internal organs are missing. I have no guts, literally.

MEDIVH: Huh. You know, you’re shedding new light on some complaints I’ve been getting from Moroes…

FARANELL: How about I put you down for an “I’ll get back to you” and keep the line moving.

Medivh shrugs and turns to Mokvar.

MEDIVH: As for you, my good orc… Your trouble is another misperception of your situation – not the lack of heart, but a damaged one. To that end, I give you this remedy, for your ears and your ears alone:

Medivh leans closer to Mokvar.

<aside> She is still out there, alive, and she is looking for you.

Mokvar makes a surprised expression, then nods and steps away. Medivh turns to Dontrag and Utvoch.

Now then…you two.

DONTRAG: Yes, sir, your high and mighty Wizardariousness, sir.

UTVOCH: Very much honored to bask in your presence and await your magnaminious blessings, sir.

MEDIVH: Hmm…  Yeah. Right. Sorry. You can’t fix stupid.

DONTRAG: Oh.

UTVOCH: Um…okay…

GARROSH: <sighs> Gotta say, we’re not getting a whole lot of return on our investment so far.

MEDIVH: Now for your request, other-orc. You say you seek the demon Malchezaar, and the means to draw him out of his hiding place…

GARROSH: Right. Please don’t tell me this is another one of those “Oops, I can’t really do that one” things for you.

MEDIVH: The great and powerful Wizard of Zhan can do anything, mortal!

FARANELL: Other than listen to himself for like the last three minutes.

MEDIVH: But, as it happens, in this case the Wizard does not need to!

GARROSH: <sighs> Don’t tell me you’re going to get all cryptic on me now.

LIADRIN: What I think the Wizard means, Garrosh, is that you have the means now to do it yourself.

GARROSH: The what now?

Liadrin points to the Doomstone in Garrosh’s hands.

Huh… This thing can do it? How?

LIADRIN: You need only charge it with the Focusing Iris, and you’ll see.

GARROSH: Huh. Well, you heard her, Edwin. Let’s see what this thing does.

Faranell takes out the Focusing Iris and starts to channel arcane power through it and into the Doomstone. The Doomstone starts to glow, then expand, growing into a heavy gray slab of rock with a single runic symbol etched into it.

stone

LIADRIN: Now all you need to is touch your hand to it and say “Come click on the stone.”

Garrosh gives a quizzical look, then shrugs and puts his hand on the stone.

GARROSH: Come click on the stone.

LIADRIN: That’s it…go on…

GARROSH: Come click on the stone… Come click on the stone… Come click on the stone…

As he repeats the phrase, Faranall and Mokvar approach and touch the stone as well. The stage lights dim as Medivh’s chamber fades away, and the only things left visible are Garrosh and the stone. A bright light flashes around the stone, and Prince Malchezaar appears.

MALCHEZAAR: <looks around bewildered> What? How—?

GARROSH: Well hey, now we’re in business.

MALCHEZAARYou! You dare?

GARROSH: Yeah, so, we haven’t really properly met or anything, princy, so let me fill you in – I dare. Like, professionally.

MALCHEZAAR: Madness has brought you here, orc! Now I shall be your undoing!

GARROSH: Seriously, do you bad guys all take a class on these stock threats? Because—

Garrosh reaches to his back to draw Gorehowl, only to find it’s disappeared from its usual place.

Wha— Oh for fuck’s sake, seriously? Again, now?

Laughing menacingly, Malchezaar draws Gorehowl and brandishes it.

MALCHEZAAR: Ha! Have you misplaced this, fool? I remember fondly the day I recovered it from Demon’s Fall!

GARROSH: Ugh, fine, we’ll do this the street-brawl way…

Garrosh rushes at Malchezaar and grapples with him, gripping Gorehowl by its haft when Malchezaar tries to swing it at him.

MALCHEZAAR: Flee now while you can, orc! You do not face Malchezaar alone—

GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, we all know the spiel, squid-face – but you know something? You’re right. I DON’T face Malchezaar alone…

The stage lights come back on, illuminating the normal, minimally dressed stage of the Opera House – with Faranell, Liadrin, Mokvar, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch in a semicircle behind Garrosh and Malchezaar.

Say hello to the legion at my command! SHOW TIME FOR REAL, kids!

MOKVAR: Liking our odds a lot better this time

While Faranell and Mokvar stand back, casting fireballs and lightning bursts respectively, Liadrin, Garona, Dontrag, and Utvoch run in to engage Malchezaar at melee range. Malchezaar staggers back and forth under the onslaught of the group, still grappling with Garrosh over their hold on Gorehowl, until Garrosh twists it out of Malchezaar’s grip, leaps up, and cleaves through the demon’s neck, severing his head. Malchezaar’s body slumps to the floor, and the spectral audience bursts into applause.

GARROSH: Wham, bam, the bitch is dead. Bitch.

As the audience continues their applause, Barnes walks to center stage.

BARNES: A splendid finale for a most varied and entertaining evening of theater! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you tonight’s troupe of performers, here for the first and only time for your enjoyment!

The applause rises; Barnes walks back offstage.

MOKVAR: Well that takes care of that.

DONTRAG: We’re done here now, right?

LIADRIN: That should do it, yes…

FARANELL: <standing over Malchezaar’s body somberly> At least now he can stop coming back to die over and over…

MOKVAR: Oh, yeah…I guess you were in your own kind of time loop, weren’t you, Edwin…

LIADRIN: But…Edwin, it would have been a stable loop with you, wouldn’t it? Just one set of events repeating infinitely?

FARANELL: That’s what I’d figured it was going to be…

GARROSH: Wait, what? What do you mean, a stable loop?

FARANELL: When I stayed in old Southshore, and replaced myself. I’d figured I would live through my life like I remembered it, then get to the point where we traveled to the past, and go back with you again, then the events would be complete. And then it would be done, and the cycle would just keep spinning itself.

LIADRIN: That isn’t what happened for you?

FARANELL: <shaking head slowly> It didn’t just repeat. I would live through to our mission to the past, and replace myself again, and pick up my life in the past…and yeah, the loop would keep repeating, but every cycle through, I had to live it through again, and repeat my part of it again, and…

GARROSH: And…?

LIADRIN: Oh…oh no…

FARANELL: …and die again. And be raised again.

MOKVAR: Holy crap…

UTVOCH: Wait, I’m confused, what’s he—

GARROSH: Just this once, will you please SHUT THE FUCK UP?

FARANELL: And so yeah, every time around, I had to live out that repetition fresh. I can still remember every loop, individually…

LIADRIN: Edwin… I’m not sure if I even really want to know, but…how many times did you…go around?

FARANELL: By the time you…I…reset the timelines and broke me out…?  2,734.

LIADRIN: By the Light…  You…relived your own death…?

Faranell nods, still staring at Malchezaar.

MOKVAR: Edwin, listen—

FARANELL: Doesn’t really matter at this point. <turns back to the others> Come on. We’re done here. Portal to Orgrimmar coming up.

Faranell summons a portal, and one by one the rest of the group disappears through it.

There’s no place like home…

Faranell ports out. The curtain closes.

 

The Wizard of Zhan, Act 2

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The curtain rises, revealing the Gold Road coming to a fork in the marsh at a small guard tower. Garrosh, Garona, and Mortimer enter. Seated next to the tower entrance, two guards – Dontrag and Utvoch – entertain themselves tossing coins.

GARROSH: Huh. Do you know which way we’re supposed to go?

GARONA: I’m not sure. It’s been a while.

GARROSH: How do you know this wizard again?

GARONA: Long story. <looks around> I suppose we could ask the guards.

GARROSH: <squints, looking at them> For some reason, I don’t have a great feeling about that. But whatever. HEY, you two!

Dontrag and Utvoch scramble to their feet and grab their axes.

DONTRAG: Halt!

UTVOCH: Who goes there?

GARROSH: Uh, you can stop trying to act like you were actually paying attention to what was going on.

DONTRAG: Begging your pardon, sir, but rested assurances we are in full commanding commandeered command of the situation. At hand, sir.

UTVOCH: What may have appeared to the untrained eye, sir—

DONTRAG: The uninitialized!

UTVOCH: Uninitialized?

DONTRAG: Isn’t that what you meant?

UTVOCH: The uninitialized eye?

DONTRAG: Well maybe you could take out the “eye” part?

GARONA: Were you thinking of maybe “uninitiated”?

UTVOCH: What’s wrong with just “the untrained eye”?

DONTRAG: Fine, say it your way.

GARROSH: I think I’m starting to get a regrettably familiar headache…

UTVOCH: As I was meaning to say, sir…

GARROSH: Oh good. Here we go.

UTVOCH: To the untrained eye, it may have appeared and belied that my comrade Dontrag and I were diverted and distracted, but you see, sir, that’s all just part of our clever ruse.

GARROSH: A ruse?

UTVOCH: Yes sir. Our cunning plan!

GARROSH: You have a ruse?

UTVOCH: We do, sir – a great clever devious one, sure to outwit and unfox even the most surreptitious and scheming of foes! A great airtight inconceivable ploy, ma’am!

GARROSH: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

UTVOCH: Sir?

GARROSH: Just go on. Or don’t, actually.

UTVOCH: Just meaning to say, sir, my colleague and I might have looked to be distracted with our game, but if you take my meaning, sir, that’s just to lull any enemies into a false sense of security, sir.

DONTRAG: They see us busy at the tower and underestimate us!

GARROSH: I don’t know if anyone could underestimate you two.

UTVOCH: Thank you, sir!

DONTRAG: And they try to put one past us, and lo and behold!

UTVOCH: Ha! HA!

Garona, who had wandered off by this point, unstealths further up the road, on the far side of the guard tower, and waves.

DONTRAG: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one past ol’ Dontrag and Utvoch, sir!

Garrosh points to Garona; Dontrag and Utvoch turn to look, then do double takes.

UTVOCH: Hey! You can’t be over there!

DONTRAG: No one passes this checkpoint without they’ve been approved and authorized and added to the official commendatory-ish list!

UTVOCH: No one else is to pass, ma’am!

DONTRAG: Those are our orders!

GARROSH: Your orders?

DONTRAG: Yes, sir!

GARROSH: Whose orders?

UTVOCH: The Warchief’s orders, sir!

Garrosh stares at them for a moment, then looks at Garona, then rubs his eyes.

GARROSH: I’M the Warchief, you pinheads.

Dontrag and Utvoch do another double take.

UTVOCH: I think we may need to add more detailed notes to the list.

GARROSH: I think you may need something other than cottage cheese between your ears.

DONTRAG: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

GARONA: You know, if they came along, maybe the Wizard could do something for them.

GARROSH: WHY would you even SUGGEST—

UTVOCH: Really? That would be most magnanimous of you, sir!

DONTRAG: It would be an honor to join you on your quest, sir!

UTVOCH: A group quest, as it were!

DONTRAG: With a tremendous quest reward for Utvoch and I, sir – and most beneficiallacious to everyone!

 

{IF WE ONLY HAD A BRAIN}

DONTRAG:

We would cause much less frustration,
And need less explanation
To make the meaning plain.
Write your order down and send it;
We would truly comprehend it
If we only had a brain.

UTVOCH:

We would free our conversation
From overcompensation:
The knowledge that we feign.
You might think of us as nerdy,
And we wouldn’t be so wordy
If we only had a brain.

DONTRAG and UTVOCH:

Oh, we would finally know,
Our heads not filled with wool.

DONTRAG:

Instead our heads with knowledge would be full.

UTVOCH:

It would be inconceivable!

DONTRAG:

Life would be such a joy hence,
To not be an annoyance,
And not be thought a pain.
You would not be near as wary
Of our weak vocabulary
If we only had a brain.

UTVOCH:

We’d listen while you’re talkin’,
And not feel like we’re walkin’
Two steps behind again.
You’re be happy when you meet us
(Or at least you wouldn’t beat us)
If we only had a brain.

GARONA: See? They mean well.

GARROSH: Yeah, yeah, fine. They can come along. Only question is, which way? We still never settled that.

DONTRAG: We’re on it, sir!

GARONA: See, I told you.

DONTRAG: You call it, Ut.

GARROSH: Wait, call it?

UTVOCH: Heads, north!

DONTRAG: Tossing!

Dontrag tosses a coin.

GARROSH: Seriously?

DONTRAG: Tails!

UTVOCH: South it is.

GARROSH: You know what? Fine. Whatever.

 

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}

ALL:

We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

Blackout. The Gold Road winds past Blackrock Mountain through a fiery landscape. Garrosh, Garona, Dontrag, Utvoch, and Mortimer enter and make their way cautiously along the road.

DONTRAG: I don’t really like the looks of things here, sir.

GARONA: This is a dangerous region. Rumor has it that a few last lingering members of the black dragonflight lurk around here.

UTVOCH: Dragons? Really?

DONTRAG: Don’t forget the ogres. Aren’t they supposed to be especially hostile in these mountains?

GARONA: Not to mention the orcs.

GARROSH: Um, you mean like every single one of us here?

GARONA: Hey, I’m half draenei.

GARROSH: Yeah, but you’re passing.

GARONA: Well still, I’m talking about Blackrock orcs. They’re nothing but trouble in this region.

DONTRAG: Ugh. Dragons and ogres and orcs.

UTVOCH: Oh my.

GARONA: Dragons and ogres and orcs.

UTVOCH: Oh my.

The group begins to march along the road faster, in rhythm with their words.

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

ALL: Dragons and ogres and orcs!

UTVOCH: Oh my!

As the group passes an outcropping of rock, Mokvar – wearing clattering plate armor – jumps out and attacks them, beginning with a chain lightning that knocks Garrosh, Garona, and Utvoch back. Mokvar knocks down Dontrag and stands over him, rearing back to swing his mace. Garrosh charges back in and knocks Mokvar away.

DONTRAG: Wow, you weren’t kidding about the Blakrock orcs being bad news around here.

MOKVAR: I’m not a Blackrock orc! You’re the Blackrock orcs!

GARROSH: Dude, what is this, a schoolyard?

MOKVAR: You’re not Blackrock orcs?

GARROSH: Do I LOOK like a Blackrock orc? You seriously can’t tell Blackrock from Mag’har?

MOKVAR: <shrugs> Yeah, fine. In that case, you all be on your way and I’ll get back to my business.

GARROSH: What this yen you’ve got against the Blackrocks, anyway?

MOKVAR: That’s between them and me.

GARONA: And anyone else who happens to come walking down this road.

GARROSH: I don’t know what your problem is with them, dude, but you might want to let it go before somebody ends up getting hurt. Like mainly you.

MOKVAR: Would if I could.

GARONA: Why can’t you?

MOKVAR: The Blackrock clan…well, one of them…took something from me that… Look, if I could put it past me and forget about it, I would. It would make life a whole lot easier…

 

{IF I ONLY HAD A HEART}

MOKVAR:

It’s true, I’m kind of bitter;
My mercy’s in the shitter,
My anger off the chart.
Maybe wrongs could be forgiven
And I just could go on livin’
If I only had a heart.

An orc that I won’t mention,
Reviled past comprehension,
That’s where it found its start.
But my smiles would be addictive
If I just weren’t so vindictive,
If I only had a heart.

Picture me a balcony,
Above a voice speaks low,
Illuminated by the fires below.
I hear a blast…aghast.

Now I wish I could forget it,
Those moments I regretted
That tear me all apart.
I could end all my fighting
And I’d get back to my writing
If I only had a heart.

DONTRAG: You know, maybe the Wizard could do something to help him, too.

GARONA: I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try.

GARROSH: I guess. Maybe he’ll give me someone to have some actual decent conversation with on this trip.

GARONA: I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time!

GARROSH: As I was saying.

MOKVAR: You people are funny. You should write some of this down.

GARROSH: Funny you should mention. I want to discuss that with you during the trip…

 

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}

ALL:

We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

Blackout. The group follows the Gold Road through Duskwood, where it passes an alchemy station manned by Faranell.

FARNELL: Hey. I’m Edwin, I could go for a trip to the Dark Tower too, everybody cool with that? Yeah? Good. Let’s get going then.

GARROSH: I— wait, what? You just want to…

FARANELL: Yeah, look, I’ve been watching this from backstage, and rather than doing some little vignette about me joining the group, I figured we could just save time and move things along.

GARROSH: <clapping Faranell on the back> Good man.

FARANELL: Okay, so, cue the exit song.

 

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE)}

ALL:

Weeeeeeeeee’re off to—

GARONA: Wait, wait, hold on.

GARROSH: What’s the matter?

GARONA: What do you want to see the Wizard for?

FARANELL: …I want his autograph?

GARROSH: Does it really matter?

GARONA: Hey, somebody has to keep the plot on track with some kind of integrity.

MOKVAR: Personally I think that train left the station somewhere around the “Time Warp” ripoff.

FARANELL: Well, what have you got so far?

GARONA: Dontrag and Utvoch want a brain.

FARANELL: Shouldn’t they specify two?

GARONA: Isn’t that splitting hairs, really?

FARANELL: Listen, I’m a mage. I know all about ironic technicalities when people phrase their magic requests vaguely.

GARROSH: Whatever. Honestly even one brain between them would be an improvement.

GARONA: And then Mokvar wants a heart.

FARANELL:  mm. Okay, well, keeping with the whole anatomical theme, I guess I could ask him for some guts.

GARROSH: Really? You don’t seem so cowardly.

UTVOCH: Actually I thought you were kind of badass back in that cellar.

FARANELL: No, no, I’m not talking about courage. I mean literally, guts. Look at me. I’m undead. I’m missing half my internal organs.

 

{IF I ONLY HAD SOME GUTS}

FARANELL:

The bile I feel is sadder,
’Cause I’ve got no gallbladder,
No ifs, no ands, no buts.
Now I’d finally have uses
For these jarred digestive juices
If I only had some guts.

No liver, so I’m thinkin’
I’d better not be drinkin’.
I really don’t see what’s
The point of an appendix,
But I would give mine a mend fix
If I only had some guts.

Once I had them back,
It would never discard.
I never should have once let down my guard
And signed that organ donor card.

Those toxins, I would rid these
If I just had some kidneys.
Necrosis, it rebuts.
But my pain would heal faster,

MOKVAR:

All this anger I would master,

DONTRAG and UTVOCH:

Our ideas won’t be disaster,

GARROSH:

And I’ll kill that demon bastard
If that caster is a caster, not a putz.

DONTRAG and UTVOCH:

Then we’re sure to get a brain.

MOKVAR:

A heart.

GARROSH:

A…means to summon a demon prince and by the way I’m not even bothering to try to get this to fit the actual meter of the line here, so sue me.

FARANELL: <blinks>

Um, okay… Some guts.

GARROSH: Okay, that works.  Moving on.

 

{OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD (REPRISE, FOR REAL THIS TIME)}

ALL:

We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan.
We hear he’s sage: the mightiest mage
Who ever met mortal man.
If you seek some sorcery for your plan,
The Wizard’s your man, because he can –
He can, he can, he can, he can, he can.
He’ll have it all done before it began!
We’re off to see the Wizard,
The guardian Wizard of Zhan!

The group marches down the road and offstage. The curtain closes.

 

{TO BE CONTINUED IN ACT 3…}

 

Intermission

kara

So don’t ask me to explain what the hell THAT was. As far as I can tell, whatever glamor hocus pocus Barnes has going on here in the Opera House can pull bits and pieces out of all our thoughts and memories and yank them together into these stories. Which is kind of cool, I guess, as long as you’re watching it and not stuck in the middle of it. Or, you know, winding up fake-dead on the floor in the middle of it. It’s a really weird experience having it happen to you, like you’re watching yourself do this stuff from the inside, only you don’t really have control of it other than short little snippets. Almost like getting hit with a priest’s mind control.  Only with singing and dancing, in this case.

That last one was extra weird, though. At least with the first show, it was pretty much working off of our experiences with Southshore and the second timeline and all that. But with that second one…I mean, I get that parts of it were playing off of things we’ve experienced and modifying them to fit this other story, like the bombing of Theramore, and me and Varian getting into it in Dalaran, and a ton of other little things. But it’s still really weird seeing them get tweaked like that. Plus I don’t know WHAT the hell was going on with Mokvar and that human. Maybe that’s just something the glamor played around with, seeing as Mokvar had some time as a freelancer before he came to Orgrimmar, but I don’t know. Makes me wonder if I need to start keeping an eye on him too. You know, along with the zillion other people I’m having to keep an eye on these days.

Anyway, I was stupid enough to think we were finally done with all this crap, so during the intermission after that second show, I pulled Barnes aside (well, as much as you can “pull” a noncorporeal ghost anywhere), but it ended up being another mixed bag.

 

GARROSH: Okay, ghost boy, are you satisfied yet? Are you ready to help us now?

BARNES: I’d say you and your friends have certainly earned some assistance, sir, yes.

GARROSH: Oh thank goodness. So now that we’re done with the stupid stage shows, we can—

BARNES: Oh, I didn’t say we were done yet, though, sir. There is still the third show to tend to.

GARROSH: You just said you were going to help us.

BARNES: Yes, sir, I did.

GARROSH: But you’re still throwing us out there for another one of these damn things.

BARNES: We did bill it as a triple feature, sir.

GARROSH: You want to explain how all that fits together?

BARNES: You’ll get your help, sir. We’ll just work it into the performance — all part of the magic of show business, you see. Literally in this case, as it happens.

GARROSH: <grumbles> You know, it’s a really lucky thing for you that you’re already dead, spooks.

BARNES: <shrugs> In any case, sir, I think curtain time has arrived.

GARROSH: Great…

Barnes walks back onstage and stands under his spotlight while the ghostly audience applauds.

BARNES: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this evening’s final presentation! Tonight, we plumb the depths of the human soul—

GARROSH: <offstage> Fuck that human shit!

BARNES: Erm, the orcish—

GARONA: <offstage> Only half!

BARNES: The…orcish and half-orcish—

LIADRIN: <offstage> No billing for elves?

BARNES: <sighs> Tonight, we plumb the depths of the…racially diverse…bipedal…

Barnes looks offstage uncomfortably, bracing himself for another interruption; when none comes, he lets out a sigh of relief and continues.

…racially diverse bipedal soul—

FARANELL: <offstage> Haven’t had one in years!

BARNES: We’re going to show you a story about some people, okay? And…join a lost orc trying desperately, with the help of his loyal companions, to find a way to protect his home. But…he is pursued by a wicked, malevolent crone!

The audience gasps.

Will he survive? Will he prevail? Only time will tell. And now: On with the show!

 

West Azeroth Story, Act 3

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The curtain rises. Spotlights illuminate the left and right sides of the stage separately, as Garrosh leads the Horde forces across the Barrens on one side and Varian leads the Alliance from Theramore.

 

{QUINTET}

HORDE:

The Horde is gonna have its day
Tonight.
The Horde is gonna have its way
Tonight.
Alliance think we’re jokin’, no doubt,
But once their king is broken,
We’re kicking them out.

ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna look ’em in the eyes
Tonight.
We’re gonna cut ’em down to size
Tonight.
We told ’em they could can it: war cries.
We’ll kick ’em off our planet
Once Garrosh, he dies
Tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight,
We’re going to drive them off and take Kalimdor!

ALLIANCE:

We’ll turn the tables tonight,
We can’t afford to mess around anymore –
Green-skins invade us!

HORDE:

The Legion made us!
But this time we’re the ones who’ll finish this war!

ALL:

Tonight!

A spotlight illuminates a Theramore courtyard at stage right, where Jaina is seen with Rhonin.

JAINA:

I really do not like this plan
Tonight.
Things really could get out of hand
Tonight.

RHONIN:

They’ll show up for the battle:
Brief truce.
With you there, maybe that’ll
Give an excuse
Tonight?

Jaina nods to Rhonin and rushes out.

A spotlight illuminates Mokvar crossing the Southfury River into the Barrens.

MOKVAR:

Tonight, tonight,
This stinks like saronite.
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.
Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

One more spotlight illuminates the Theramore tower, where Deliana looks out a window.

DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,
And now, out of my sight,
There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

HORDE:

The Horde is coming out on top tonght!
We’re gonna watch Varian drop tonight!
They’ll go slow as molasses,
Cry and pout.
The door will hit their asses
On their way out.

Garrosh, Malkorok, the rest of the Horde group, and Deliana overlap:

GARROSH:

<to Malkorok> You keep a wide-open eye.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

In case he tries something sly.

MALKOROK:

Right.

GARROSH:

For the Horde!

HORDE:

For the Horde!

MALKOROK:

And they might have a surprise
Tonight.

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight
Our role it might indict,
Tonight the flames of war could be fanned.

The Horde, Alliance, Mokvar, Deliana, and Jaina – who is now riding across Dustwallow Marsh – overlap:

HORDE and ALLIANCE:

We’re gonna stop it tonight!
We’re gonna end it tonight!
They’re gonna get it tonight!

ALLIANCE:

They invaded,
They invaded,
They invaded.

HORDE:

Here we’ve made it,
Here we’ve made it,
Home: we made it.

ALLIANCE:

We can’t afford to mess around.
Alliance has to win the day,
Alliance has to find a way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

HORDE:

We’re gonna grind them to the ground,
The Horde is gonna have its day,
The Horde is gonna have its way.
We’ve got to stop it tonight.

JAINA:

Tonight, tonight,
We just might
Have one chance to get it right:
Now Jaina’s got to find a way
To broker peace before the fray:
Will cooler heads carry the day?
Tonight, tonight,
Our future could be bright –
I’ve got to stop it tonight!

DELIANA:

Tonight, tonight,
When our two leaders fight,
That Malkorok may have something planned.

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

Tonight
The past may come back calling,
The future that we’re stalling,

MOKVAR:

And now, within my sight,

DELIANA:

And now, out of my sight,

MOKVAR and DELIANA:

There’s such a fright
That what we’ve done is coming to light…

ALL:

Tonight.

Blackout.  From either side of the stage, the Horde and Alliance enter the Battlescar in the Southern Barrens. Both groups spread out over their respective sides of the field, then Garrosh and Varian approach each other at center stage, accompanied by Malkorok and Mathias Shaw.

VARIAN: Warchief.

GARROSH: Dickface.

VARIAN: You’re a classy guy, Hellscream, anyone ever tell you that?

GARROSH: I can have them put that on your gravestone if you want.

VARIAN: Are you ready?

GARROSH: To finally put you in the ground? I’ve been ready for that for years.

Varian draws Shalamayne and extends it in front of him.

VARIAN: Your blade?

GARROSH: What about it?

SHAW: If you would let us inspect it for doctoring.

GARROSH: What the hell are you implying?

VARIAN: We’re not implying anything. It’s just customary to examine each other’s weapons so we can see no one is—

MALKOROK: The two-legged rodent is suggesting you would poison your blade, Warchief. For that alone this mongrel will—

GARROSH: You DARE insinuate I would cheat, human?

VARIAN: Obviously, Garrosh, you would never employ questionable methods when faced with honorable combat. Nevertheless.

Varian gestures with Shalamayne. Garrosh grumbles, then begrudgingly draws Gorehowl and holds it in front of him.

SHAW: Thank you, Warchief.

VARIAN: Now then.

GARROSH: Have your people stand back, Varian. This is between you and me.

VARIAN: You do the same.

Garrosh waves to the Horde group, which steps back and spreads in a semicircle from the side of the stage to the background. Varian signals to the Alliance members, who mirror the Horde’s movements.

MALKOROK: Now – begin!

Garrosh and Varian rush at each other and begin to fight as furious music swells. They lunge and parry, circle around the middle of the stage, and match each other’s moves in rhythm with the music. As the duel unfolds, the spectators begin to shout and cheer for their respective leader, until the cacophonous yells begin to blend into a rhythmic chanting that becomes a counterpoint to the music.

Several times over the course of the fight, Garrosh and Varian lock weapons until one of them shoves the other back toward one side of the stage. Each time, they circle around then resume their clash at center stage.

Slowly, in the background, Malkorok begins to make his way closer to the Alliance side of the circle. From under his cloak, he withdraws a long dagger, shining with a sickly green gleam.

Mokvar enters at the edge of the stage. As he arrives, Garrosh and Varian lock blades and rotate around as each tries to outmuscle the other. Garrosh finally gains the upper hand and flings Varian back toward the Alliance side. Malkorok moves toward him from behind, dagger in hand.

MOKVAR: No! Look out!

Mokvar runs to center stage and tackles Varian to the ground, in the process knocking him out of the way of Malkorok’s stab.

FALSTAD: They’re attackin’ His Majesty!

SHAW: That one had a dagger!

MALKOROK: <recovering himself> That treasonous scribe! He’s helping the human!

SHANDRIS: They were never going to honor the duel!

GARROSH: Mokvar! You! If I didn’t see it with my own eyes…!

The two sides rush at each other and begin fighting, largely in the background. At center stage, Garrosh dodges a few Alliance swings, then grabs Mokvar and holds him by his neck while drawing Gorehowl back.

GARROSH: You…traitorous…!

As Garrosh prepares to swing, Varian grabs him from behind – jarring Garrosh enough to make him lose his grip on Mokvar – and plunges Shalamayne through his back and out of his chest.

GARROSH: <looking down at the blade> Oh for fuck’s sake…AGAIN?

MOKVAR: Oh…oh crap…

GARROSH: Also, how come this doesn’t actually hurt? I mean I know I’m badass and all, but…

BARNES: <from offstage> It’s just a glamour, you silly actor – special effects can’t really hurt you.

GARROSH: I… <looking around> Oh…

BARNES:  Now stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to your scene!

GARROSH:  Aren’t YOU the one—

BARNESAction!

GARROSH:  <sighs>  Fine.  <flatly>  Oh I am slain.  Oh agony.  Now I shrug off this mortal coil, it is to laugh, the end.  And shit.

Garrosh drops to the ground, where he lays mostly still while making a half-hearted attempt to play dead.  Around him the fighting rages on between the Horde and Alliance.

LIADRIN: Garrosh!

DONTRAG: He killed the Warchief!

UTVOCH: You bastard!

VARIAN: Victory! Hellscream has fallen! For the Alli—

Garona unstealths behind Varian and stunlocks him, then unleashes a flurry of blows until he drops to the ground.

GARONA: House of Wrynn! Two generations running! Tell Anduin to sleep lightly! Booyah!

Garona stealths again. The two sides continue to battle frantically.

MALKOROK: Now! With Wrynn slain! Now, shamans, show the dogs the first of our surprises!

A handful of dark-clad shaman emerge from the Horde group and begin channeling spells. Several of the surrounding boulders begin to glow, then rise up as molten giants and begin to attack the Alliance.

Jaina enters.

JAINA: By the Light! What’s happening here?!

FALSTAD: The devils ’a broken the agreement!

SHAW: They’ve killed Varian!

The molten giants stomp on several Alliance soldiers and send the group scattering.

JAINA: We have to get out of here! Everyone to me!

The Alliance rush to Jaina, who teleports them away. The shaman stop channeling their spells, and the molten giants collapse back into boulders.

MALKOROK: Horde! The Alliance flees, but they will not escape! Quickly, to Brackenwall Village! We will regroup and bring the fight to them! For the Horde!

The Horde exits, leaving the stage empty save for the bodies of Garrosh and Varian. The stage lights lower, save for dim lights still illuminating the bodies.

GARROSH: Well that sucked.

VARIAN: Yeah, it kind of did.

GARROSH: Yeah.

VARIAN: Still, though…

GARROSH: What?

VARIAN: For the record, I got you.

GARROSH: Fuck you, Varian.

Blackout. In a Theramore tower, Deliana paces the room.

Jaina enters.

DELIANA: Jaina! What happened?

JAINA: <sighs> Varian is dead.

DELIANA: What?! How? You mean now we have to…?

JAINA: It’s not that simple. Varian is dead, but so is Garrosh.  I’m still not sure how it all happened – by the time I got there, things had already—

A knock at the door is heard.

JONATHAN: <outside> Lady Proudmoore!

JAINA: Come in, General.

The door opens and General Marcus Jonathan enters, along with Jaina’s night elf bodyguard Pained; the pair holds Mokvar captive.

JONATHAN: Lady Proudmoore, this orc was found lurking outside the city. He didn’t resist capture, but he did insist on speaking with you.

DELIANA: Mokvar!

JAINA: You know him, Deliana?

PAINED: You should be more selective in your friends. Shandris says this is one of the orcs that helped kill Varian.

DELIANA: He what?

MOKVAR: That’s…not entirely accurate.

JONATHAN: That’s enough from you, orc.

DELIANA: There has to have been some mistake.

JONATHAN: There were several, starting with the decision to trust these green-skinned—

JAINA: That’s enough, General. You can leave us. I’d like to have a few words with the prisoner.

JONATHAN: As you wish.

JAINA: You too, Pained. Please wait outside.

PAINED: With all due respect, my lady, my place is—

JAINA: Is where I tell you to go, Pained. I can take care of myself.

PAINED: Yes, ma’am.

Jonathan and Pained exit. Jaina turns to Deliana.

JAINA: How long have you known him?

DELIANA: We go back quite a few years.

JAINA: You trust him?

DELIANA: I’ve spent the last six years hiding in Ironforge for safety. I think he did more to protect me from Orgrimmar in that time than any of the dwarves ever did.

JAINA: <turns to Mokvar> They say you attacked Varian. Here’s your chance to explain.

MOKVAR: I jumped him. That much is true. But I wasn’t attacking him. I was trying to push him out of the way of the one who was.

JAINA: Who, Garrosh? Why would you try to swing the duel against the Horde?

MOKVAR: No, not Garrosh. If it was just him and Varian, I would have stayed out of it. It was Malkorok. He was about to stab Varian from behind.

DELIANA: Malkorok… Of course it was Malkorok.

MOKVAR: It ended up backfiring. Both sides thought I was working against them, and in the chaos, Garrosh was killed. And by that point I don’t think anyone was interested in honoring the terms of the duel.

JAINA: I don’t even know how many on our side will be willing to listen to reason now.

DELIANA: Jaina, can’t you rein them in? You’d have to be one of the highest ranking people left.

JAINA: I can try, but I don’t know how much good it will do. With Anduin still a boy, there’s no clear line of succession, so right now I’m merely one in a sea of voices.

MOKVAR: The Horde is having its own problems with succession, only worse. It looks like Malkorok is effectively taking over.

DELIANA: Oh no…

JAINA: Who is this Malkorok?

MOKVAR: A Blackrock orc who used to work for Rend Blackhand. At least he gave the appearance of it. I don’t think he ever really served anyone or anything other than his own agenda.

JAINA: I take it having him leading the Horde would be bad news for all involved.

MOKVAR: Let’s put it this way. I know Garrosh was no bargain. But this guy? Malkorok would make Garrosh look like Thrall.

JAINA: Do you think there are others in the Horde who will still resist him?

MOKVAR: I know there are others who won’t be thrilled to have him in charge. The only question is whether Malkorok’s managed to scare them into submission.

JAINA: Then you need to go do what you can while there are some who’ll still listen. And if not…

Jaina reaches into a pocket and produces a small, smooth stone with totemic markings, then slips it into Mokvar’s hand.

…I think you know what this is for.

Mokvar nods. Jaina starts to channel a spell, and a portal appears in the room.

Go now – hurry.

MOKVAR: What will you tell the others?

JAINA: You let me worry about that.

DELIANA: Stay safe, Mokvar.

MOKVAR: I think “safe” is long off the board for all of us. But it’s partly our fault this is happening.

DELIANA: I know. Be careful.

MOKVAR: Always am.

Mokvar disappears through the portal.

Blackout. In Brackenwall Village, the Horde group arrives, met by Krog and Draz’Zilb.

KROG: Malkorok? What are you all doing here?

MALKOROK: The human king is slain – but not without a cost! The dogs turned on us with aid from one of our own, and murdered the Warchief!

KROG: They what? Garrosh is dead?

MALKOROK: He is…but we will ensure that he soon finds himself in good company.

FARANELL: Wait, didn’t we have an agreement with the Alliance that the duel would decide control of Kalimdor? And, well, Varian did kill Garrosh before—

Malkorok steps up to Faranell quickly and knocks him down with a vicious blow.

MALKOROK: Unless you wish to lose more pieces of that rotting corpse you call a body, mage, I recommend you choose your words carefully.

Malkorok glares around as some of the group exchange looks in uneasy silence.

UTVOCH: I can’t believe the Warchief died…

DONTRAG: What are we doing now?

DRAZ’ZILB: Surely we can’t let the Warchief’s death go unanswered!

MALKOROK: Nor will we! Listen to me, soldiers of the Horde!  I had little doubt the Alliance pigs would show their true colors in this affair, but we will see to it that they pay for their treachery!

Mokvar enters.

Oh, and speaking of treachery! Here’s the dog who turned on his own Warchief to lend aid to the human! Seize him!

Mokvar is apprehended by a pair of Kor’kron and brought closer to the group.

MOKVAR: It’s funny how selective your memory is, Malkorok. I’m a traitor for helping Varian, but you’re awfully quick to gloss over what I was helping him against – we both know it wasn’t Garrosh.

MALKOROK: You think I hide my role, scribe? Hardly – I take pride in it! I came to the aid of my Warchief; you came to the aid of his mortal enemy. Tell me again which of us here should hang his head!

LIADRIN: Wait, you were interfering with the fight? It was supposed to be honorable combat!

MALKOROK: You will be silent, elf!

Malkorok steps toward Liadrin and throws a punch at her; she deflects it with a paladin bubble, then stuns Malkorok with a Hammer of Justice.

LIADRIN: Now now, didn’t your mother teach you not to hit a lady? She would be ashamed.

MALKOROK: <seething as he collects himself> She taught me to crush my foes.

LIADRIN: Then she would be doubly ashamed if the lady in question were to beat you down.

MOKVARThat’s why I jumped in – to keep him from ambushing Varian and—

MALKOROK: And slaying the leader of our enemy! Are you fool enough to think you serve our Warchief by saving his nemesis?

MOKVAR: Garrosh Hellscream had many failings, but he believed in honor. At least until he started having his steps shadowed by the likes of you.

MALKOROK: In battle, nothing is more honorable than victory.

MOKVAR: Funny, I can think of at least one victory Garrosh would have gladly given back…

MALKOROK: Keep spinning your words, scribe – it’s what a coward like you does, isn’t it?

Malkorok turns to the rest of the group.

The rest of you – what I am calling for is not words. Your fallen Warchief did not spend his days dawdling over words. He sought action. For the safety of the Horde!  For the glory of the Horde! So let this scribe lull you into submission with his words – I call on you to act! To avenge your leader! To finally strike the human disease that has too long infected this continent. Will you join me? Or will you sit here, and bandy about words, and wring your hands over niceties – until the Alliance again show themselves for what they are, and again come to enslave our people, and again leave the ground stained with orcish blood?

Many of the Horde troops, including most of the Kor’kron, start to shout in support.

Good! That is the Horde I know! Now, all of you! Follow me, and we will show the Alliance what becomes of those who draw our wrath! To Theramore! More surprises await the humans…

DRAZ’ZILB: None greater than how quickly they’ll fall before us!

KROG: Hell yeah, we’ll roll over the humans so fast they won’t even know what hit them!

MALKOROK: Oh no, soldiers, not quickly – quick is painless. And these humans must be made to suffer for their crimes against our people!

DRAZ’ZILBNow you’re talking my language!

DONTRAG: <aside> Does this seem a little strange to you?

UTVOCH: <aside> All I know is they killed the Warchief… I guess it makes sense to go after them…

MALKOROK: Every pain these humans have brought to us will be repaid tenfold tonight! You want to avenge your Warchief? Then leave your pity and your mercy here – bring only your rage and your cruelty!

 

{CRUEL}

MALKOROK:

Horde, Horde, angry Horde,
Get cruel, Horde!
Vow again, gents, for your vengeance,
Get cruelly cruel, Horde!
Don’t relent, ’cause we have spent
Too long holding back.
Set in mind that humankind
Is overdue for some cruel payback.

Horde, Horde, vengeful Horde!
Stay fierce, Horde!
From the skies comes their demise,
Bring them to tears, Horde!
Fight, Horde, fight,
Each human we’ll smite, each fool floored.
Unleash, be cruel, Horde,
Real cruel.

Mokvar, Liadrin, and Faranell watch the rest of the group march off behind Malkorok.

LIADRIN: I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think I’m actually glad Garrosh didn’t live to see this…

MOKVAR: Yeah…

Mokvar tries to take a step, but is restrained by the two Kor’kron who’ve remained behind, and are still holding him.

<looking back and forth between the Kor’kron> Huh.

One of the Kor’kron slumps over, sapped.

KOR’KRON #2: What the—?

The other Kor’kron turns into a sheep in a puff of smoke.

FARANELL: That’s better.

Garona unstealths behind the sapped guard.

GARONA: You really have a way with people, Mokvar.

MOKVAR: I know, right? Still…thanks for sticking with me. All of you.

LIADRIN: I think we’re about to be outcasts among the outcasts.

FARANELL: Eh. You get used to it.

MOKVAR: I was hoping there would be more who would listen…

LIADRIN: Right now they don’t know what to think. So most of them aren’t.

FARANELL: And the rest of them are Dontrag and Utvoch. So, you know…

GARONA: What was that business about the surprise for Theramore?

LIADRIN: I don’t know, but…wait…that part about it coming from the skies…

FARANELL: What are you thinking?

LIADRIN: <looks up> There’s been a goblin sky galleon circling around the western Barrens all night…

FARANELL: Sending troops in by parachute?

GARONA: He would send a gunship for that. A galleon isn’t designed for troop deployment, just…payload.

LIADRIN: I think he’s planning to use a bomb…

MOKVAR: Jaina’s trying to calm the Alliance down and get them to listen to reason, but that’s off the board if Malkorok escalates things even more.

FARANELL: Remember when this cunning plan was going to spare us a big, messy, drawn-out war?

MOKVAR: I’m hoping we can still limit the damage…

LIADRIN: What do you have in mind?

MOKVAR: For starters – Garona, can you stealth into Theramore? We need you to warn them about what Malkorok’s doing.

GARONA: Wait, you want to warn the Alliance that a Horde attack is coming?

LIADRIN: To keep all of this from getting any further out of hand than it already is.

MOKVAR: And to let them see that not all of the Horde has gone crazy.

GARONA: Ugh, fine. I’ll get in and try to warn them.

LIADRIN: What about Edwin and I? What do you want us to do?

MOKVAR: Run.

LIADRIN: What?

FARANELL: I can handle that.

MOKVAR: Get back to the Eastern Kingdoms.

LIADRIN: Why? We should do something to help here.

FARANELL: Don’t argue with the man. Not-here sounds terrific.

MOKVAR: Look, there’s no telling how much uglier this is going to get for us. If things really go bad in Kalimdor, we need some good people still standing over on the other continent.

LIADRIN: There’s still Sylvanas and Lor’themar to run things there.

MOKVAR: You mean Miss “When in Doubt, Throw More Plague on It”—

FARANELL: You do realize who she has in charge of making all the plague, right?

MOKVAR: —and Mr. “Does Anyone Actually Know Who I Am, and By the Way Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat”?

LIADRIN: Seriously, why does no one ever remember who Lor’themar is?

GARONA: Who?

LIADRIN: <sigh>

MOKVAR: Liadrin, really, I know you want to help, but right now the best way for you to do that is by getting somewhere safe.

LIADRIN: What are you going to do?

MOKVAR: <taking out the stone he’d received from Jaina> I’ve got one more card to try playing.

LIADRIN: Whatever it is, good luck.

MOKVAR: To all of us.

Garona stealths and sneaks off; Faranell teleports himself and Liadrin away. Mokvar holds out the stone, channels a spell for several seconds, then disappears in a green flash.

Blackout. In Theramore, Jaina joins Deliana in the tower above.

JAINA: You haven’t moved since Mokvar left.

DELIANA: <shrugs> As long as I keep looking and not seeing anything, then nothing else is coming apart.

JAINA: Hopefully he’ll be able to convince them.

DELIANA: Hopefully. Thank you for being willing to listen to him.

JAINA: I’ve been rumored to know what it’s like to trust an orc when it’s not a terribly popular thing to do.

Rhonin enters. As he does, stagelights illuminate the Theramore courtyard below, where Garona unstealths. The scene below unfolds as the conversation in the tower continues: Garona is immediately attacked by Pained, Shaw, and a few of the Theramore guards; she attempts to fend off their attacks without actively striking anyone, while trying to talk, but to no avail; eventually more Alliance troops mob her, beating her viciously.

JAINA: Rhonin – any luck calming them down?

RHONIN: <shaking head> No more than you’ve had so far. This entire turn of events is proof of why both sides should have listened when we tried to start peace talks.

JAINA: I don’t think listening was ever the strong suit of either of the leaders involved.

RHONIN: Still, I’m hopeful that given a chance to calm down, they’ll eventually be willing to reconsider.

JAINA: The question is whether they’ll give themselves that chance to calm down.

RHONIN: You think they might do something rash?

JAINA: If they don’t, the Horde might. Either way, we all lose.

Falstad and Jonathan drag a bloodied Garona up to the tower and enter, followed closely by Pained and Shaw.

JONATHAN: Lady Proudmoore, we have another Horde captive!

JAINA: What…what did you do to her?

SHAW: Nothing these orcs don’t deserve.

FALSTAD: Aye, the troops made sure this one’d be takin’ some partin’ gifts, if’n she escapes…

JAINA: This… Is this what it’s come to now? Is this what we’ve reduced ourselves to?

PAINED: We didn’t start this war, my lady.

GARONA: <halting> No…but Malkorok…is coming…coming to finish it.

JAINA: Malkorok! He’s still in charge? Mokvar couldn’t stop him?

GARONA: He…he tried… And then he…he sent me to…to warn you…to… <looks around disgustedly> …to save you…

JAINA: Warn us about what? What is Malkorok doing?

SHAW: <shoving Garona> Answer her, orc!

JAINALet her!

GARONA: Malkorok…Malkorok is bringing the Horde to…to attack Theramore…and… <spits out blood, then looks around again angrily> He’s throwing the whole force at the north gate…

PAINED: We can pull everyone into the keep and fortify it, my lady – they’ll never get past the walls without siege engines.

SHAW: Still, I’d recommend sending out an advance force to intercept, maybe thin out their numbers before they can get here.

JAINA: See to that, Mathias. While you go out to meet them, we’ll make sure the city is sealed up tightly.  General Jonathan?

JONATHAN: Yes, Lady Proudmoore?

JAINA: I want you, General Redmane, and Admiral Aubrey coordinating the defenses here. I’ll speak to Rhonin about setting up some spells to reinforce the outer gates.

JONATHAN: Yes, ma’am. I’ll relay your orders.

Jonathan runs out. As he releases his grip on Garona, she jerks to one side and pulls free of Falstad’s grip, then stealths.

FALSTAD: Dammit! Where’d tha’ one go?

PAINED: We’re having a very bad day with prisoners today…

JAINA: Never mind that – everyone get to work preparing for the attack.

The other officers exit.

I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this…

DELIANA: I think I see them coming…

JAINA: <sighs> I’d better get down there, then…

Jaina exits; Deliana continues watching from the window.

Blackout. In Dustwallow Marsh, near Theramore, Malkorok enters with the rest of the Horde force, stage left. From stage right, an Alliance group enters, led by Falstad, Shandris, and Shaw.

SHANDRIS: There they are! Stop them! For the Alliance!

The Alliance rushes at the Horde and the two sides begin fighting. Malkorok stands back, surveying the battle and watching the sky. As the fighting rages on, he fires a flare into the sky; after a moment, a blinding burst of light flashes from offstage to the right, as an enormous explosion is heard. The blast throws several of the Alliance on the right side of the stage a good distance to the left, and many of them sprawl on the ground unconscious.

MALKOROK: HAHA! There! It is done! See what becomes of the enemies of the Horde, Alliance dogs! Now, quickly, finish them all, and—

MOKVAR: <offstage> Not so fast!

Mokvar enters in ghost wolf form from stage left, closely followed by Vol’jin mounted on a raptor and Baine Bloodhoof on a kodo.

VOL’JIN: Yah, mon, dere been enough killin’ already taday!

MALKOROK: You! I see the traitor has made friends among the malcontents! No matter, troll, you can watch and learn how—

BAINE: We will watch nothing other than you standing down!

MALKOROK: Stand down! Do you think yourself Warchief now, tauren? Is that an order?

BAINE: No, Malkorok, I know I’m not Warchief. <stares Malkorok down a moment> And yes, that’s an order.

From stage right, Jaina staggers in unsteadily.

Lady Proudmoore!

SHANDRIS: <pulling herself up slowly> Jaina…you…you survived…!

JAINA: Rhonin…Rhonin ported me out of the city at the last second… But he…he…

MOKVAR: <looking offstage to the right> Liana…?

JAINA: <looking back> My…my city…my people… They’re…they’re…

MALKOROK: Enough of this! Soldiers of the Horde, this is our moment – strike down your enemies once and for all, and—

BAINE: They will do nothing of the kind, Malkorok!

VOL’JIN: You be done givin’ orders, mon!

MALKOROK: And who will, troll? You? You think you have any authority to take over here?

VOL’JIN: Funny ting you be askin’, mon.

Another ghost wolf enters behind Vol’jin, Baine, and Mokvar.

I ain’t da one who be takin’ over.

The ghost wolf moves to center stage and transforms into Thrall.

THRALL: I believe you’ve done more than enough today, Malkorok.

MALKOROK: So the prodigal shaman returns! No matter!

Malkorok draws his axes and rushes at Thrall. Before he can reach him, Thrall extends one hand and summons a whirlwind that holds Malkorok suspended above the ground.

THRALL: I’ve faced far more imposing threats than you. More menacing and chilling than the likes of you could even imagine.

MALKOROK: <struggling to break out of the whirlwind> Yes, I know all about your battle with Deathwing, shaman…

THRALL: I was talking about Aggra with morning sickness.

Jaina finally pulls her attention away from the ruined city and approaches center stage, looking around angrily.

JAINA: I tried to tell you… And Rhonin… You did this…all of you…did this with your hate… <starts to build a fireball in her hand> Well now I have some hate of my own…

THRALL: Jaina, no!

JAINA: Don’t try to defend him, Thrall! You see what he did here!

THRALL: <glares over to Malkorok, still suspended> I could care less what happens to this…this. But the rest of my people have done nothing.

Jaina continues gathering the fireball in her hand as she eyes Malkorok. In the background, Dontrag and Utvoch can be seen helping Falstad and Shaw to their feet.

JAINA: Get them out of here.

SHAW: But Jaina, they—

JAINAToday isn’t the day for anyone to argue with me. Get them together and get them away from here, Go’el.

Thrall nods, then gestures to Vol’jin and Baine.

BAINE: All of you, come and come quickly.

VOL’JIN: Time ta make ourselves invisible like da Lich King’s horse!

BAINE: You really need a new joke. Seriously.

The Horde slowly makes its way offstage to the left; Baine and Vol’jin follow them. Mokvar finally pulls himself away from the sight of Theramore and slowly walks across the stage, stopping to stare a moment at Malkorok as he goes, then exits as well. Jaina’s gaze never moves from Malkorok.

JAINA: We’ve all lost a great deal to this conflict… <looks back over her shoulder> All of you…leave us.

The Alliance members trickle out; Shaw is the last one to linger at the edge of the stage.

SHAW: Um, actually, strictly speaking, there isn’t anyplace for us to go to anymo—

JAINAGet OUT, Mathias.

SHAW: Random swamp wandering it is, yes ma’am.

Shaw exits.

JAINA: You should go, too, Thrall.

THRALL: I suspect there are more than a few pieces to pick up back in Orgrimmar.

JAINA: You should go help pick them up, then.

THRALL: I’m sorry for your people, Jaina.

JAINA: A lot of us are sorry. Or will be.

Thrall releases Malkorok and starts to walk away.

MALKOROK: The great Warchief! That’s it, is it? You side with this human over your own kind!

THRALL: <continuing to walk away without looking back> You are not my kind, Malkorok.

Thrall exits.

MALKOROK: Don’t you walk away from me when I’m—

Malkorok starts to move toward Thrall but is stopped when Jaina unleashes her fireball on the ground in front of him, cutting off his path with a wide patch of flame.

JAINA: Malkorok, is it? I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Jaina Proudmoore.  <summons another fireball in her hand> I think it’s time we had a long, long – terribly long, really, and maybe unnecessarily slow – talk.

The curtain closes. Just as it does, a bright red flash can be seen through the heavy cloth, accompanied by an orcish voice crying out. The remaining stage lights go out.