Tag Archives: malkorok
Paternity (part 2)
So, picking up right where we left off last time…
* In Garrosh’s most recent mailbag, he discussed the lank distemper, a disease that ravaged the Kurenai of Nagrand at roughly the same time the orcs were afflicted with the red pox.
Well, I guess that’s what I get for giving that job to a 15-year-old, right? Oh well. Moving on with the record from Taktani. (Let’s keep our fingers crossed on this one…)
(Yay, Mr. Warchief is letting me be his scribe again! I better do a good job because I guess Mr. Warchief was checking on how Mr. Gurtash was doing and he wasn’t too happy. Everyone else seems a little upset, too. I guess being a scribe is super important work! Mr. Gurtash looked really embarrassed when he left. I hope he doesn’t feel too bad because I think he draws good. He even draws me! Yay! Oh wait I think they’re talking about me!)
SHAYARI – Okay, so that was weird.
FARANELL – You get used to it after a while.
SHAYARI – So, who’s this one now?
GARROSH – Really, the less you ask about her, the better.
MALKOROK – More importantly, goat, we’ll be the ones asking the questions.
TAKTANI – Hi! I’m Taktani!
LIADRIN – Shayari, this is another of Garrosh’s assistants—
TAKTANI – But you can call me Tak!
SHAYARI – Oh, so she’s filling in for the pipsqueak now?
TAKTANI – Or Tak-Tak!
GARROSH – How many times do I have to tell you, THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
SHAYARI – Well, at least she seems a little cheerier than Chuckles over there.
(That made Mr. Malkorok really mad. He seems to be pretty grumpy. He spends a lot of time with Mr. Warchief so I guess he must help him a lot, but I wish he wouldn’t yell so much.)
MALKOROK – Warchief, one swing! That’s all I ask! One swing is all I’ll need to silence this…this creature permanently.
(I don’t think I like him very much. It makes me sad. =( )
GARROSH – Malk, last time, cool it.
MALKOROK – Count yourself lucky the Warchief is so merciful, goat!
SHAYARI – You mad, bro?
MALKOROK – I— you— how dare— sir— UNGH! (He paced around a few seconds, shaking his fists, grinding his teeth, and looking at Mr. Warchief now and then) I… I think I need to walk a bit. If you’ll excuse me, sir…
(Mr. Malkorok stormed off and started stomping back and forth near the bank. It sounded like he was grumbling to himself. I’m not sure, but I think he might have punched a couple people, too. That’s mean! =( )
SPAZZLE – Okay, so whether you’re really Garrosh’s daughter or not, I already like you.
(OMG Mr. Warchief is a daddy?!? YAY!!! That’s so exciting!!)
GARROSH – So hang on. Even assuming this is all true – which we ARE going to check — how did you wind up HERE?
SHAYARI – I was living in Dalaran studying to be a mage when…well, when Jaina went all schizo.
GARROSH – Gotta say, I knew it was only a matter of time before she went off the deep end.
SHAYARI – Oh my Light, I know! She thinks she’s such a big deal, rolling into town and taking over, and being all Emo Queen of Pain, and… Oh, and Kalecgos! Have you heard about her and Kalecgos? You should see how she leads that poor dragon around by the nose!
GARROSH – Heh, yeah. I’ve kinda gotten that sense from those two…
SHAYARI – No, no, I mean literally! He has a nose ring in his dragon form, and she’s got this leash, and— and— oh spirits it’s so sad.
GARROSH – Hah! Hahaha…that’s…that’s kind of awesome.
SHAYARI – Awesomely sad.
(I like when Mr. Warchief gets happy like this. He doesn’t yell as much! Not like Mr. Malkorok.)
GARROSH – So hang on, if you’ve been staying with the Sunreavers all this time, how come this is the first I’m hearing about it?
LIADRIN – She wasn’t with the Sunreavers, sir. At least not until the purge was well underway.
SHAYARI – I stayed mostly over on the Silver Covenant part of Dalaran. People knew I was half orcish…most of the time I would pass as full draenei, but the other draenei could see it. It wasn’t as big a deal when I was back in Nagrand, but… (shrugs) Anyway. After Jaina had her little hissy fit, anyone with any Horde ties became pretty unwelcome in Dalaran. My being half orc was close enough for some of them, I guess.
GARROSH – So, wait, if people knew you were half orc, does that mean they knew—
SHAYARI – I never talked to people about who my father was. My mom told me, and a few people back in Telaar knew, but…
LIADRIN – I would imagine it was for the best that the Kirin Tor didn’t know of her full parentage.
GARROSH – Yeah, I figure that would have made her a lot less popular a lot sooner.
SHAYARI – Oh my Light, you should hear the things they say about you there! The things they talk about you doing! I figured all those stories had to be some kind of Alliance propaganda to make you look bad!
(Everyone just kind of looked at each other for a minute. I don’t really understand why. Maybe they were trying to figure out why people would want to say mean things about Mr. Warchief? That’s mean, especially since he’s a daddy now!
Mr. Warchief looked around at everyone being all quiet.)
GARROSH – WELL DON’T EVERYONE AGREE WITH HER AT ONCE!
LIADRIN – Clearly propaganda, yes, sir.
SPAZZLE – Don’t know where people come up with this stuff, chief.
FARANELL – Unless, you know, they exist in this universe and have eyes. But sure, whatever does it for you.
(Mr. Malkorok came back over to us. He didn’t seem so mad now, but it’s hard to tell since he’s always kind of grumpy.)
MALKOROK – Apologies for my…outburst, Warchief.
GARROSH – Yeah, it’s fine, Malk. So anyway, you said the doc has some way of checking out this story?
LIADRIN – Yes, sir. Obviously the doctor himself can comment with greater authority on the details.
(While they were talking, Mr. Warchief’s wyvern Mr. Mortimer came wandering over to us. He passed by Mr. Malkorok first, and I guess he maybe thought Mr. Malkorok was a tree? Because he kind of…well…lifted his leg…on his leg.)
MALKOROK – UGHH this damned flea-bitten— I— GAHH I’ll be back…
(Mr. Malkorok stomped off again. Mr. Mortimer walked up to Miss Shayari and nuzzled against her leg. Aww!)
SHAYARI – Aww, (That’s what I said!) who’s this? (petting the wyvern)
GARROSH – That’s Mortimer.
SHAYARI – (still petting) You named him Mortimer?
GARROSH – Actually, no.
SPAZZLE – It came from that D.E.H.T.A. guy, didn’t it?
GARROSH – Yeah.
SHAYARI – Oh, those hippies? (petting more) Well, it’s okay, Mortimer, you’re a handsome boy even if the crazy hippies did give you a silly name.
LIADRIN – Shay, perhaps you could take the wyvern for a walk while we discuss a few things.
SHAYARI – Sure. Come on, Mortimer!
(Miss Shayari and Mr. Morty started walking around the Valley of Strength. The rest of us watched her walk away.)
TAKTANI – I like her! She seems nice!
SPAZZLE – Not gonna lie. She had me at “You mad, bro?”
LIADRIN – Warchief? Any thoughts?
GARROSH – I don’t know. But her story from Nagrand…well, she’s got her details straight. At least the names and dates.
(Mr. Warchief looked across the valley for a minute to watch Miss Shayari and Mr. Mortimer walking by the main gate.)
GARROSH – Mortimer seems to like her.
SPAZZLE – Yeah, he took to her right away.
GARROSH – He is a pretty good judge of character.
FARANELL – This would be the wyvern that likes you, correct?
GARROSH – Your point being, Easy-Break?
FARANELL – Just citing further evidence to your point, obviously.
LIADRIN – Loathe though I am to agree with the overlord—
SPAZZLE – Isn’t it funny how you’ve known him for like five minutes, and you already hate to admit he might have a point?
LIADRIN – …he does raise a valid concern. The details of Shayari’s past all build on information that could have been acquired, albeit with some measure of difficulty.
GARROSH – Yeah. They would have to do some digging, but they could have pieced it together.
LIADRIN – The fact that she comes from Dalaran is cause for us to be all the more wary.
(Mr. Warchief looked across at Miss Shayari, who was still walking with Mr. Mortimer around the Valley of Strength. In front of the Broken Tusk, she started talking with one of the orcs, Mr. Thathung.)
GARROSH – What do you really think?
LIADRIN – I think that if she is who she says she is, she lives in a better world than we do.
GARROSH – …In Common, please?
LIADRIN – (sighing but smiling) I only mean that if she is your daughter, sir, she’s grown up hearing stories from the Alliance about the orcs, and about you in particular, and yet she’s come here fully expecting to be embraced by her father and given a home. As she said herself, she’s been told countless reasons to consider you a villain – and rejected all of them as lies. If that really is her, I may even envy her.
GARROSH – So you believe her.
LIADRIN – I would still counsel prudence. But I prefer to hope for the best in people.
GARROSH – Sounds like you live in a “better world” yourself.
LIADRIN – No, I don’t. That’s why I hate to give up on the possibility of an unbroken soul. I know this world well enough to understand how rare they are.
(Over by the Broken Tusk, Shayari had been continuing to talk with Mr. Thathung all this time – only she looked like she was getting pretty upset with Mr. Thathung for some reason. Now she finally hit him! Um…a whole bunch of times! Over and over and over, really angry-like! Oh no!)
SHAYARI – (in the distance, but still clearly audible) Hey, I said to WATCH THE HANDS, Grabby McWanderpaws! (flinging Mr. Thathung against the auction house wall and continuing to beat him senseless) Yeah! See how you like people grabbing YOU! NEXT TIME I’LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING HAND CLEAN OFF AND FUCKING FEED IT TO YOU – IN REVERSE!
(Mr. Warchief, Ms. Liadrin, Mr. Goblin, and Dr. Zombie looked back and forth at each other.)
SPAZZLE – Huh.
GARROSH – Well then.
FARANELL – So, yeah, I can still do the tests if you want, but honestly, if you ask me, it’s just going to be a waste of perfectly good ichor.
So…yeah. I still have a million and one things to deal with here in Orgrimmar before I head back to Pandaria, but…well, now I guess that’s going to be a million and two.
Stay tuned.
Homecoming
So now that things are kind of under control in Pandaria, Malkorok and I have been taking a few days to travel back to Orgrimmar and check on things there. So far it’s been one damn thing after another, all the way down to Orphan Matron Battlwail giving me a few dirty looks, for what reason I have no idea. I swear, if I leave town for any length of time, everything goes right down the tubes. It never ceases to amaze me how many of these people turn into a bunch of Dontrags and Utvochs if they don’t have me there to cut their meat into little pieces for them.
Center stage, though, is Eitrigg. I left him minding the store while I was in Pandaria, and no sooner had I boarded the ship than all that crap started going down with Mokvar. I had a good long meeting with Eitrigg earlier today about just what the fuck was going on, and he tried explaining his reasoning for Iffy Decisions A through G, but honestly I’m starting to think age is starting to catch up to him. I’ve got another meeting lined up with him later in the week, and I’m thinking I may have to arrange a little more…support before I head back south. I’ve already talked to Overlord Runthak about taking over military command directly, and beyond that, I’m thinking Eitrigg could benefit from having a Kor’kron overseer or two assigned to him to do a little, well, overseeing. Overseer Elaglo’s been doing some good work on a couple projects, so I’m thinking he might be in line for the call.
Anyway, I’ve got a bunch more people I need to touch base with, but our old buddy Liadrin is in Orgrimmar and has been asking to see me — not to mention I’ve had Spazzle in my ear yammering away on her behalf, about some big important thing she needs to discuss with me. So I figured I should see what’s up with those two. We hooked up outside Grommash Hold right after my debriefing with Eitrigg. Luckily, Gurtash’s hand is healed up enough that he’s able to get back to doodle duty…
* Horde agents, with aid from within Dalaran, stole the Divine Bell from Darnassus, as accounted here.
** As Garrosh notes, Jaina did indeed get a bit upset about this. Spazzle reported on the purge of Dalaran here.
* Liadrin arrived in Orgrimmar and met with Spazzle here.
For whom the bell tolls
Well THAT was a big whole production to go through for not much of anything.
Last night, I gathered a select group of Horde personnel at the Emperor’s Reach – an ancient, abandoned mogu structure that we found in Kun-Lai – to finally tap into the power of the Divine Bell. Malkorok brought a battalion of Kor’kron troops to oversee the proceedings, including some who were hand-picked to have the honor of being the first to be gifted with new power. The best of the best. Juggernauts.
Blademaster Ishi was on hand as well, along with a few other select Horde heroes from the Pandaren campaign, and once everyone was gathered and ready, I took up the hammer…mallet…um…weird-looking club doohicky? Look, for honest, I’m not sure WHAT that thing was supposed to be. But it was better suited for ringing a bell than Gorehowl would have been, so whatever. Point is, I cracked out that bad boy, and for the first time in who-knows-how-long, the Divine Bell rang.
And so marks the last point in the evening that things went to plan.
As the Bell rang, we could see the dark, shadowy outlines of bizarre, twisted creatures appearing on the platform. Transparent and shifting, but just enough to know they were there. So THAT’S what these sha look like. Up to this point, I’d only seen them in bits and pieces – claws mostly – when they’d partly seized onto other people.
Yes, I said “partly.” I wouldn’t have thought that what happened to Burzum was only partial corruption by the sha. Little did I know. Because now, I was treated to a front-row seat as, one by one, the sha descended onto our Kor’kron juggernauts…and transformed them into sha themselves. They were horrible to behold – I can see why the pandas and even Tak-Tak yammer on about steering clear of them. I tried to urge the Kor’kron on and encourage them to seize control of the sha energy coursing through them, but no such luck. They couldn’t. They lost themselves to it. And in the end there was nothing to be done but for the Horde champions on hand to slay the Kor’kron-turned-sha before they ran out of control.
Clearly, Malkorok had overestimated the mental toughness of that first batch of Kor’kron. I was just about to let Ishi show the rest of the bunch how a true veteran of the Mag’har does it, when I was interrupted by a surprise visitor.
Want to know who?
YOU WILL NOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT.
Anduin.
Yes, THAT Anduin.
Anduin Wrynn, Prince of Stormwind.
Anduin fucking Wrynn, Prince of Stormwind, former prisoner of General Nazgrim until who the fuck even knows what happened I mean WTF, and newest volunteer to be a speechifying hemorrhoid on my curvy brown ass, because, hey, why not give fucking EVERYONE a turn at this point, right?
So, yeah, fucking ANDUIN comes strolling on up like it’s something to do – props, by the way, to my alleged BODYGUARD Malkorok for the crack security job there – and starts yapping away about the dangers of the Bell, and Garrosh-you-mustn’t. You know, the ol’ Baine-Vol’jin standard. Same tune, different verse.
Worked just about as well for him. I shrugged him off and rang the Bell again, and this time, the sha magic descended onto Ishi. Unlike the initial Kor’kron, he actually put up a fight and resisted…for a moment, anyway. Then, after a minute, he was altered into a sha as well. Except in his case, even with his body gone, his voice remained.
His voice, but not his words.
While our champions fought to subdue him, Ishi started spewing out words consumed by fear and rage and despair. No sign remaining of the strong, brave orc I knew, despite my urging for him to retake control.
In the end, there was nothing left – again – but for our champions to put him to rest. But of all his rantings before he fell, there was one that kept echoing in my thoughts.
Why should we be slaves to honor, when we could slaughter the children of our enemies while they sleep? My blade thirsts for Alliance blood!
Control your anger, I told him. There is killing, and then there is murder, I told him. We’re not the ones who murder innocents. We’re not the ones who kill children, confused and far from home. Left to rot in a festering swamp. Baited into a coward’s trap, tricked into an early death by a vainglorious king…
And then I looked up to find the presumptuous whelp of Varian Wrynn yipping at me.
He was fourteen years old.
Among the orcs, that made him a man.
The human brat used some mallet to crack and silence the Divine Bell, and I was far past my threshold for patience. I swung my hammer at him. He ducked out of the way, and the blow slammed into the Bell, which was already cracking apart. The Bell shattered, and the pieces crumbled onto the whelp, burying him under a massive heap of metal and stone. I could hear him cry out as his bones snapped. Then silence.
Good. Let Varian have a taste of true suffering.
It’s back to the drawing board for us. For now. I’d underestimated the effort it would take to master this sha power. Ishi and the others were too weak-willed, and they failed me as a result.
This is what I get for not taking matters into my own hands.
When the time comes, soon, I won’t repeat their failure. And I won’t repeat the mistake of delegating our fate to lesser orcs. Too much depends on it. Too high a price already. The Horde will prevail, strong, proud, united in purpose – a rebirth of glory. And it all depends on me to lead the way. It’s ALWAYS depended on me. I see that now.
I won’t fail. I CAN’T fail.
I have a destiny.
I’m the One.
Divine do-over
So I think the internet has decided it doesn’t want me playing Earth Online for the time being. Spazzle was right – this is what I get for trusting Grizzle Gearslip to set up a stable network. Remind me to stick with construction and excavation projects for him from now on.
Probably just as well. I have more important things to be focusing on right now.
First and foremost in the “more important things” file: We’re back in business on the Divine Bell front – and then some. Courtesy, believe it or not, of some clutch work from one of the blood elves. I know, right? I won’t hold it against you if you need to go back and read that again to make sure you got it right. Anyway – Fanlyr Silverthorn was able to work some Kirin Tor mojo to sneak a Horde operative into Darnassus, where the Divine Bell was being held, then teleported it out to Silvermoon. That’s right, the night elves worked so hard to get to the Bell before us, tucked it away deep in the heart of their capital city…for like fifteen minutes, before they had it swiped right out from under them. Oh man, would I love to have seen the looks on their faces when they figured out what happened.
Of course, you would think that this would come across as GOOD news to anyone on the Horde side of the fence, but spirits forbid I should ever have a conversation with Lor’themotherfucker that didn’t involve him crying and moaning and wetting his panties over something. And let me tell you, he was in fine form this time around. I could barely even figure out what the fuck he was bitching about, something about his people being put in harm’s way or some such (as if people never, EVER get put in harm’s way in the middle of, you know, A FUCKING WAR), and Jaina being pissed off about something (as if THAT’S ever a bad thing). Seriously, I don’t know what hair he’s got up his ass, but enough is enough. Calm down already. Don’t flip a bench, Lori.
Anyway, I’m having the Divine Bell transported to Pandaria pronto so we can get to work. We found another ancient mogu structure in Kun-Lai that should make for a good site to conduct the first of what should be many glorious uses of the Bell. I’m having Malkorok hand-pick some of the very best of his Kor’kron to stand guard and participate in the proceedings. I’m also having Ishi head up that way to supervise the setup of the Bell and help me with the first trial. Hopefully, after Burzum went all sha-batty on us, and Krimpatul went MIA with the rest of the…casualties…at the Temple of the Red Crane, and Ishi himself got beaten to the Divine Bell by the damn night elves, well, hopefully I’ll have a blademaster finally do my Mag’har proud and help put a win on the board for us.
Once we tap into the power of the Bell – and by extension, the power of this “sha” magic – we’ll wield a power unlike anything either side has seen in this war. And unlike the mogu, we won’t be leaving our enemies any room to rise up against us. Never again.
Slow burn
They’re going to turn against you. Don’t let them.
I’ve had that note sitting on my desk since Garona left a couple hours ago. Edwin Faranell – the old, young, original, human Faranell, the one had become unstuck in time and seen glimpses of his own future – gave it to me in another reality. Months ago, or years ago, depending on how you count. I’ve carried it with me ever since – literally and otherwise. I took it out after Garona left, and I’ve been sitting here in my office in Domination Point staring at it.
The Vol’jin thing was irritating enough, but at least that got taken care of. Baine? Annoying, but I can’t say I’m surprised by his endless griping, since he was always pretty much Vol’jin Lite. I didn’t really see Lor’themotherfucker coming as the latest malcontent, but then again I hardly ever noticed him at all until recently, so whatever.
But this news about Mokvar makes my blood boil.
For the longest time, he was just some random generic dude hanging out in Grommash Hold. I befriended him, brought him in on all our major operations, made him one of my personal aides. My personal scribe – this after he hadn’t even TRAINED inscription until I threatened him with severe pain encouraged him to broaden his interests. Ordered Garona to shadow him while I was in Pandaria, to make sure he stayed safe. DEFENDED him to Malkorok I don’t know how many times. Now he’s got me wondering if I was taking the wrong side in that bizarre feud of theirs.
After he was attacked that night, I could understand him acting weird for a little while. I mean, I’ve never died, and I don’t plan to anytime soon, but I can see how it could do a number on your head. So I was willing to give him some slack for some weirdness. But this goes way, WAY beyond weirdness. Him going to Neeru Fireblade was fishy enough, considering everything he knew. And the fact that he forcibly broke out of Orgrimmar infuriates me to no end. Him hanging out with a HUMAN to boot, well, the less said about that the better. But the part that REALLY eats at me? That I’m going to be lying awake nights fuming over? Magatha. He went to Magatha. Cut a fucking DEAL with Magatha, for some purpose I STILL don’t fucking understand. And now he’s on the loose, who knows where doing who knows what.
And you know, I think this business with Mokvar pisses me off more than any of the other malcontents. Even when Vol’jin was threatening to put an arrow in my heart, he didn’t spit in my face.
Well, I’ve had it. With all of it. I should have listened more to Malkorok. I’ve given these people too much slack. And all I get for it is people running their mouths at me and then running around behind my back. Well, enough is enough. I’m done putting up with this crap. I’m taking the gloves off Malkorok, cracking down on all the bullshit I’ve let slide for way too long, and finally getting these people reined in.
There’s a new sheriff in town, fuckers. And his name is Garrosh Hellscream.
The fine art of persuasion
So brace yourselves for this one – Lor’themotherfucker’s blood elves, who insisted I give them the chance to interrogate that mogu Shan Kien about the Divine Bell? Guess what they turned up for us? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I know. I’ll give you a minute to sit down and recover from the shock.
Recovered yet? Okay. Moving on.
Anyway, after I’d given the elves time to establish yet again how completely and utterly USELESS they are, I sent orders for them to deliver Shan Kien over to the Kor’kron up in Kun-Lai summit. By this point, Regent-Lord Eyepatch was back in Silvermoon on his prolonged post-sha-box crying jag, so I had the good fortune not to have to deal with a whole lot of complaining and protesting from his people when I sent the order. I had Malkorok go up with his Kor’kron to receive the mogu at Garrosh’ar Advance – a small base we’d set up a ways north of Eastwind Rest – and wait for my arrival.
When I got there, by the way, Malkorok managed to get himself into another one of his cranky moods. He was eating his lunch at the table we’d set up at the camp, and when I arrived he turned away from it to order the Kor’kron to bring Shan Kien out for me…whereupon Mortimer wandered over and, yep, you guessed it, polished off Malkorok’s food. Mortimer seemed only too delighted — then again, who can blame him, seeing as I think that sandwich had bacon on it — although Malkorok was not pleased. But I think he kept himself reined in since he could see what a kick I got out of the whole thing.
Of course, as I was getting ready to leave the Sanctum of Two Moons with Blademaster Ishi, Baine overheard where I was going and decided to tag along to keep an eye on things. Because…well…I don’t know, I guess he thinks that when you’re dealing with an agent of a malevolent enemy bent on world domination, it’s really super important that you be nice to him. Or something.
I’ll grant, though, Baine did turn out to be handy. I put in a little time trying my own brand of charm and persuasion on Shan Kien, but after a while my knuckles were getting sore, and that was when Baine suggested we use some Pandaren concoction called Memory Wine that would let us peek into Shan Kien’s memories and see where the Divine Bell had been hidden. Which, by the way, um, WHY DIDN’T HE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU KNOW I BET THAT SHIT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY DON’T YOU THINK GUYS?
Ugh.
So, we got a volunteer to try out the Memory Wine, and got a peek of Shan Kien sealing up the Divine Bell in a mogu tomb somewhere along a mountainside. The whole thing went surprisingly smoothly, other than the fact that while we were using the Memory Wine, it seemed like every couple minutes we had problems with the yaks we had with us suddenly running around all spooked. Which started getting on my nerves after a while. Anyway, since Gurtash is sort of our resident artist, I’m having him flown up to work up some sketches of the place to help guide the search parties. I’m having Ishi stay up here to organize the scouts and coordinate. Meanwhile, I’m going to check in at Domination Point and maybe look into a contingency plan or two.
Shadow boxing
Well, this just goes to show what I know.
After our whole SNAFU with the sha claw, Regent-Lord Eyepatch went back to Silvermoon to personally supervise his people’s study of that sha box we recovered. Before he left I tried to impress on him the importance of that project (I believe my exact words were “This is actually important, unlike everything else you’ve ever done in your life, so try not to make a giant fucking mess this one time, Lori”), and after leaving him to his devices a couple days, I sent some people up to Silvermoon to check on him and try to prod things along.
I just received a report back from Eyepatch. And so, remember last time, how uneasy I was about having to rely on the blood elves for all these important jobs? All the angsting I was doing over whether they could pull this off, rather than defaulting back to their standard “giant fucking mess” M.O.? Well, after all that handwringing I was doing, you would probably expect Ponytail’s blood elves to find a way to pull off some spectacular new level of fail.
AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.
Let’s even set aside the fact that Ponytail started out crying about how anyone who tried to probe the box magically ended up being affected by powerful, negative emotions, because hey, it’s totally fair for him not to think of that possibility what with him being RIGHT HERE WITNESSING THAT VERY SAME THING HAPPENING WITH THE KOR’KRON NOT THREE DAYS AGO. But then, we’ve long established that these blood elves aren’t exactly world-beaters when it comes to seeing things coming (DRINK). So, moving on, witness fuckuppery the next: even AFTER having these problems with the crazy outbursts, Ponytail’s peeps kept plugging away, and ended up releasing some kind of sha creature that had been sealed in the box. In a room with a couple of his mages and a handful of guards. And nobody else.
So okay, let’s recap that for those of you keeping score at home.
AFTER traveling around some of the sha and mogu sites in Pandaria…and AFTER being on hand for our failed Kor’kron experiments with the claw… Eyepatch brought the box back home to Silvermoon…so he could stick it in a basement with minimal guard and a grand total of two magic-users on hand to work on it. And then released a beastie that proceeded to kick the snot out of his generously snotty elves. To the point that if some of MY people hadn’t been on hand to save the day, that sha thing might still be running roughshod over Silvermoon and we’d be having to get Sylvanas to send a task force over to bail them out. (And by the way, don’t think for a minute that THAT wouldn’t make half the blood elf population drop a brick in its collective panties – HEY LOOK GUYS THERE’S AN ARMY OF UNDEAD HEADED THIS WAY OH SHIT NOT AGAIN.)
I mean, there are at least half a dozen reasons why that’s just a spectacular steaming heap of fail, but the winner right off the top of my head, I think is… WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BRINGING THE DAMN BOX BACK TO YOUR HOME CITY if you weren’t going to positively SURROUND it with an entire fucking LEGION of your very best troops? You go to all that trouble for like five guards? Hey, guess what, Eyepatch, we could have put our sha junk under the watch of five random assholes right here in Pandaria.
LIKE HEY HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS EVEN, REMEMBER THEM?
So yeah, this is what Lori is crying about this week. Well, today. The week is still young. Meanwhile, he’s already sent me four messengers, with each of the last three delivering an extra addendum to his written bitch-and-moan fest. They’ve been arriving every couple hours, so I’m just imagining him sitting around in whatever palace he has up there (I’m guessing pink features heavily in the décor), sending off a letter, and then as soon as the messenger leaves, grabbing another parchment like “AND HERE’S ONE MORE THING!”
I did send him a response back to the first one. Although…just to amuse myself, I addressed it to “That guy in Silvermoon, you know, the one with the poofy hair.” I’m not sure which thought amuses me more: the amount of time it’s going to take them to narrow it down to Ponytail, or the look he’s going to get on his face when he sees it.
I know, I know. I’m a stinker.
More soon.
Sha-touched
So of course, since Baine arrived here in Pandaria, he managed to get here just in time to bear witness to a frigging spectacular FUBAR with our efforts to make use of that sha claw. And naturally, Regent-Lord Ponytail had to be on hand too so I could have a nice bitch-and-moan one-two punch.
Like we’d guessed, infusing soldiers with at least some measure of the claw’s sha energy was simple enough. For these initial experiments, I didn’t want to leave much to chance, so we brought in a half-dozen Kor’kron for the tests. The idea is that the Kor’kron are the best of the best within the Horde ranks, so they would be most likely to have the strength of will and discipline to maintain control over the sha influence – and these particular Kor’kron weren’t even your garden variety. I had Malkorok hand-pick the very best of his people. Razors. If anyone was going to keep their shit together, it would be them.
Well, those Kor’kron may have been razors, but we wound up taking some razor burn. All of the soldiers we exposed to the sha claw suffered some severe changes to their behavior. Some became extremely temperamental. Some were listless and depressed. Some turned antsy and paranoid. And ALL of them became prone to violent outbursts playing off of whatever other mood swings they were going through. With the help of a few adventurers who happened to be on hand, we managed to slap some sense into the Kor’kron, but that doesn’t change the fact that the whole experiment went down as a pretty dismal failure.
And of course, cue Baine and Ponytail griping and crying and complaining, with an extra side order of holier-than-thou from Baine and estrogen from Ponytail.
I seriously need to find some better fucking minions.
Anyway, it’s becoming pretty painfully apparent that unless Lor’thefucker’s people back in Silvermoon make some breakthrough with the sha box they recovered, we’ve got everything hinging on us finding the Divine Bell so we can gain better control of this sha power. Which means we’re majorly counting on the blood elves who are working on interrogating Shan Kien. Which means, any way you cut it, we’ve got everything riding on Ponytail’s people.
Fuck.
Did I mention I SERIOUSLY need to find some better minions?