Tag Archives: mokvar
Four Heads are (Slightly) Better than Two
You know, it’s a funny thing how sometimes, when you think you’ve reached a dead end, life ends up throwing you a bone. (Or maybe a mixed metaphor?) Ever since I looked in on Golmash — that worg that Ogunaro Wolfrunner reported showing some disturbing behavior (major undersell, by the way) — I’d been trying to research a few possible ideas involving shaman and warlock magic, but hadn’t been able to find anything. I felt like I’d run out of ideas.
That changed yesterday afternoon during a meeting between Garrosh, Lantresor, and a few others. Lantresor mentioned that he’d been accompanying Mogor the ogre down to Brackenwall Village every now and again, but Mogor (the ogre) had learned his way around well enough that he was going by himself to see Draz’Zilb.
That’s when it occurred to me that Draz’Zilb is pretty knowledgeable when it comes to shadow magic. Garrosh had brought him in on a project or two a while back, and he always seemed pretty sharp… you know, once you got past the evil. Then again, with my personal history, that’s something you learn to shrug off pretty quickly. Oh well.
I excused myself from the rest of the meeting so I could go look for Mogor. The ogre. Since I knew Garrosh had a security conference with Malkorok afterward, though, I sent for Taktani to cover for me with the notetaking. Granted, I don’t think Garrosh necessarily had anything he needed recorded in that particular meeting, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to leave Malkorok having to endure Tak’s, um, aggressive cheerfulness. And the hugs. No matter how much grouchier they made him. Which would only convince Tak that she needed to try harder to cheer Malkorok up. Now, sure, I wasn’t around to see any of this, but I can imagine it. And I do. Often. Whenever I’m having a bad day. It always puts a smile on my face. You should try it sometime.
I managed to track down Mogor just before he was about to leave for Dustwallow and convinced him to let me tag along. When we got there, Draz’Zilb set Mogor up with some sort of potion he’d been working on that restores a major chunk of Mogor’s intelligence. (I guess Mogor used to be a lot smarter. Don’t ask me what happened to him.) From what I gather, the effects of Draz’Zilb’s potion wear off after a matter of hours, which explains why Mogor’s been making a habit of going down there to see him.
An added benefit for me was that Mogor’s a shaman, and used to be a pretty good one, back before… you know… something happened to his head. Whatever it was. That meant he was able to join us in the conversation I was having with Draz’Zilb and actually contribute something from the shaman side of things. The whole thing had the added bonus of taking place in a remote location far removed from any prying eyes that might ordinarily be trying to peek in on business.
I won’t bore everyone with the details of the conversation. Lots of warlock and shaman shop talk. It ended up sounding pretty familiar, though, or at least reminiscent of some of that business Draz’Zilb was helping Garrosh deal with involving Magatha a couple years ago. Mogor was able to chip in a few odds and ends involving shaman incantations, particular some things he’d seen from some of the old orchish shamans back in the day. The end result of the discussion didn’t really tell me anything definite, but the more we talked, the more Draz’Zilb and Mogor were able to connect some dots from based on their experience, and what they had to say rang just true enough to make me think I may be on the right track.
I think I have a few avenues to take to try to follow up on this, mostly after we get back from Pandaria. The down side is that even if I’m thinking along the right lines, I don’t know how to test what I’m thinking, at least not without killing Golmash. Which I would imagine would defeat at least some of the point of the exercise. More importantly, though, if Golmash dies, I honestly don’t know what will happen. Or what we actually lose, or just how important the loss will be. But it has to be something important, because if I’m right, someone went to a lot of trouble and blurred a whole lot of lines. But I don’t know who, or when, or why. Part of me doesn’t even really want to find out.
Because here’s the gist of it. You remember when I said that the wolf’s growl sounded full, like there was more in there than even his voice could contain? If what I suspect is true, then I was more right then I realized. Only it’s not that there’s something more inside him. It’s that there’s someone.
I think Golmash is a soulstone.
Mokvar
“Contrary to popular belief, I can fix stupid.”
Interdisciplinary Studies
There’s been enough going on lately that I haven’t really had a chance to follow up on that wolf — Golmash — that Ogunaro Wolfrunner’s been having issues with. (Now don’t start getting after me about time I’ve spent since then at things like the Pandaren Noodle Festival — I have to have some down time, don’t I?) After the last time I was there to see Golmash, I knew it was going to take some research — into both shaman and warlock matters — to get to the bottom of the situation, but the research in question was going to go way beyond anything I could do easily.
The first shaman I would think to talk to would be Thrall, but he’s not an option at this point for at least half a dozen reasons. Given my recent career change (re-change?), I doubt anyone else in the Earthen Ring would be especially eager to talk to me, and anyone from the… well… garden-variety range of shamans simply wouldn’t know enough to be able to help very much with this.
On the warlock end of the spectrum, I’m not in much better shape. Again, what I really need is someone with a fairly high level of expertise and experience, but good luck finding a viable candidate there. Pretty much anyone down in the Cleft of Shadow is out of the question, if only because anything I discuss with any of them is sure to make its way back to Neeru Fireblade, and why give him any more to gnaw on? He already has enough of an unsettling interest in what I’m up to because of the Nether Prism, and the last thing I need is for him to start getting curious about even more of what I happen to be doing with my day. And while we’re thinking along Nether Prism lines, I would even be half tempted to try to find a remaining members of the Council of the Black Harvest, but I don’t know if that would go over so well in light of how things played out with me and Kanrethad. The only one of them that I figure would be very receptive at all would be Jubeka, and I figure she already has enough on her hands because of me.
For a while, I thought I might have an in with Xorenth down in Ragefire Chasm — since he’d been a warlock himself until fairly recently, when he became a shaman… of sorts… it seemed like he might have an ideal range of experience. I started to try to discuss my suspicions about Golmash with him, but I realized pretty quickly that that wasn’t such a good idea. He started getting way too interested way too quickly; it made sense, I suppose, given what he’s been up to with his shamans down in RFC. Still, I didn’t want to open the door for Golmash to become another one of his pet projects, at least not until I knew for sure what we’re dealing with. Luckily, I think I was able to maneuver my way out of the conversation without giving away too much or inviting too much suspicion from Xorenth.
At least I hope so. It’s hard to tell. I have to say, it’s hard trying to talk about your extracurriculars, while also keeping them classified, when you’re already in the middle of playing everyone against everyone else.
Sometimes I wonder if Jubeka got the better end of the deal back at the Black Temple.
Any way you cut it, I guess I’ll be going it alone on this one. Guess it’s time to hit the books until I come up with a better idea.
Mokvar
Brand loyalty
One last quick followup to the whole Pandaren Noodle Festival thing from the other day (where, I’ll have you know, my spicy talbuk noodles went over pretty damn well before D&U-plus-one managed to fall ass-backwards into a new and better form of post-felweed munchie food).
One thing from the festival that I’ve had rattling around in the ol’ noggin ever since then was when Ji was telling us about some Pandaren cooking contest called Iron Chef, and then Mokvar chimed in with the idea of doing our own version called Iron Horde Chef. Among some other possible names he kind of stumbled his way through. Which just goes to show you that Mokvar didn’t have the good sense to recognize the one real winner and latch onto it, which ONCE AGAIN shows you why yours truly is in charge around here.
Anyhow, the point of this isn’t the cooking contest thing, but that idea Mokvar had for a name. Because seriously, how badass does “Iron Horde” sound? IF YOU WERE THINKING “EXTREMELY BADASS, GARROSH,” THEN CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE CORRECT. And so, even though Shayari thought she was being funny with her little comment about rebranding, JOKE’S ON YOU, DOELING, because that’s exactly what I went and looked into. BECAUSE HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT SOUND, SERIOUSLY? Had a talk with Eitrigg this afternoon about how a name change would work in the books. And, hey, let me finish it this way, seeing as I’m still in kind of an EPIC VERSEy kind of mood after that last mailbag…
I took it to my numbers guy and left him really pensive
To wrack his brain and make a try at changes so extensive,
So sweeping, spanning, nationwide, systemic, comprehensive,
That if they ever were applied, the win would be intensive.
I rallied reasons that I scried and argued in defense of
My badass plan, but woe betide: old man’s counteroffensive:
The filing, fees, and forms beside, red tape you can’t make sense of
Reveal the fact, can’t be denied — that shit ain’t inexpensive.
EPIC VERSE!
I mean, you wouldn’t think changing over all the stationery and business cards would cost that much, BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. And that’s not even figuring in little miss you-know-who’s latest shopping trip.
Dammit, Eitrigg. Guess I better toss a few more Brawler’s Guild invites up on the AH.
More soon.
Horde Iron Chef (part 2)
[This is usually the part where a writer would try to build in some catch-up exposition for the benefit of anyone who missed the first part, but you know what? Screw it. If you’re here at all, you’re probably on board with the idea of continuity. Nobody’s fault but your own if you’re confused! Moving on!]
LIADRIN: I wouldn’t mind trying some of that myself, Warchief.
GARROSH: Coming up.
LIADRIN: Would you like some, Salandria?
SALANDRIA: That’s okay. You can be the guinea pig for now.
While Garrosh serves up a bowl of noodles to Liadrin, Korrina and Kulkesh enter.
RUEKIE: Hi guys!
KORRINA: Hey.
KULKESH: Greetings, Captain. It’s–
Kulkesh trails off as Garrosh turns to them. He and Korrina stare for a moment.
KORRINA: Um.
KULKESH: Uh… that is… hi, sir. It’s… you really did get into the spirit of things, didn’t you, Captain…?
KORRINA: All I’m going to say is, um, you must be incredibly secure in yourself, sir…
GARROSH: Why is EVERYONE reacting like this?
SHAYARI: Would you like the reasons alphabetically, chronologically, or in order of how much they make me want to wear a bucket over my head for the next thousand years or so?
GARROSH: Okay, that’s it — NO NOODLES FOR YOU!
KULKESH: How are you feeling, Gurt?
GURTASH: Not bad. I mean, I’m still a little sore. And I’m still checking in with the healers every couple of days. But I’m pretty much recovered at this point.
KULKESH: Cool. You know, if you hadn’t come around soon, we were going to head over to Blackrock Spire and go dragon hunting ourselves.
KORRINA: Yeah, we were going to go all Wrathion on their asses.
GURTASH: Heh. I appreciate it, guys.
LIADRIN: I’m glad the healers are nearly done with your injuries, Gurtash. If you ever think it might help, I’m happy to cast a Flash of Light or two, although, granted, my areas of expertise are more in the realm of protection than healing.
MOKVAR: Too bad you weren’t with us in the Spire. We probably could have used a tank up there.
SHAYARI: Pip especially.
RUEKIE: Speaking of which, kind of, has anybody seen Mirembe?
KORRINA: She’s around here somewhere. We ran into her at one of the noodle stands.
KULKESH: I don’t know if she was going to stick around, though.
GURTASH: How come?
KORRINA: Oh, something about that Lantresor guy.
KULKESH: I think she ran into him while she was trying some food, and he made some comment about her weight, or something.
KORRINA: “Potbelly,” was it?
KULKESH: Yeah, I think so.
SHAYARI: Oh, spirits, THAT guy.
GURTASH: You know him?
SHAYARI: We’ve talked a couple times since he came to Orgrimmar. He’s a piece of work, let me tell you. Always going on and on about “oh, children of two worlds,” and “oh, we are alike, you and I,” and “you are not alone,” and “you are not alone,” and “ohh — did I mention? — you are not alone,” and I’m like, okay, I get it, I’m not alone, you’re making me wish I was, Professor YANA.
KORRINA: Old people are weird.
SALANDRIA: How old?
LIADRIN: Don’t start.
Ji enters, accompanied by Spazzle and Giska.
GARROSH: Ah, perfect, just the pudgeball I was looking for.
JI: Hello, Garrosh! Everyone!
SPAZZLE: Hey boss.
MOKVAR: Afternoon, Ji. Everything finally set up?
JI: Almost. Not quite. There’s an even better turnout than I’d expected!
SPAZZLE: Which means even more setup for us to do on the fly…
MOKVAR: How did he rope you into this anyway, Spaz?
GARROSH: Yeah, Pea Pod, I would’ve figured he’d have plenty of pandas to call in on this, seeing as, you know, this IS a panda festival.
JI: Oh, many of the Huojin have been busy working on the festival, sir. But they’ve mostly been cooking.
SPAZZLE: Which left plenty more setup work that Ji needed me to lend a hand with. At an hourly rate, anyway.
JI: Wait, you meant that? I thought you were joking!
SPAZZLE: Hey, I’ve got billing rules to follow! I’m in a union, you know!
MOKVAR: I thought it was a cartel.
SPAZZLE: We’re goblins! Same difference!
JI: But we’re friends!
SPAZZLE: Yeah, well, time is money, friend!
GARROSH: So listen, Deep Dish, you have somewhere I can set up? Probably with some space around it, for when people start flocking to get a taste of my stuff here.
Korrina, Gurtash, Kulkesh, and Giska all turn to look at Ruekie.
RUEKIE: <aside> I’m not saying anything!
KORRINA: <aside> You’re sure? You looked like you were about to say something.
RUEKIE: <aside> No no no, I’m keeping my mouth shut from now on! Every time I open my mouth, somebody sticks– hoooooo boy I almost did it again! Whew!
JI: Well, Garrosh… hmm. I still need to set up a few stations, but…
GARROSH: <pointing> What about right over here? Looks like you’ve got a couple spots.
JI: Well, yes, one of those is reserved, but I suppose you can take the other. Do you need a hand setting up?
GARROSH: Pfft, what’s there to set up?
Garrosh drops his pot on the table with a heavy thud.
OH HEY, we’ve got a cooking fire here and everything.
JI: Oh yes, several of the stations have them. Many of our participants are cooking right here on the premises!
GARROSH: Ah, nice, this way I can whip up a little MORE of this stuff, seeing as we’re probably gonna go through it pretty quick, even before we figure in Mokvar’s little pink friend.
MOKVAR: Uh, yeah, sorry about that again.
GARROSH: Actually… here.
Garrosh reaches over to Mokvar and yanks a page from his pack, sending some of his inscription gear spilling to the ground.
MOKVAR: <gathering his belongings> You know you could have just asked.
GARROSH: <scribbling on the page> Yeah, yeah, boo hoo. You two, front and center.
Korrina and Kulkesh go to Garrosh.
KULKESH: Yes, sir!
GARROSH: Giska, you too.
Giska joins them.
I assume you’re done with her now, Lunchbox.
JI: Actually, Warchief, we still–
GARROSH: My trainee, your student, I outrank you, done, boom.
JI: Oh bother…
GARROSH: <handing the paper to Giska> Okay, you three. Zip over to the market by Grommash Hold and pick up the stuff on this list for me.
KULKESH: Yes, sir!
GISKA: <scanning the list> Uh, just one thing, Captain. This looks like a lot — what do we do for money?
GARROSH: You tell the vendors you’re there on orders of the Warchief, and boy this is a nice little shop you’ve got here, and it sure would be a goddamn shame if somebody went and got blood stains all over it.
KORRINA: <clapping once and rubbing her hands together> Talkin’ my language, sir. On it!
GARROSH: Okay. Off with the lot of you.
While Giska, Korrina, and Kulkesh run off, Faranell enters, sporting a jaw that’s conspicuously mismatched with the rest of his face.
LIADRIN: Doctor! Good afternoon. You’re looking… um… well.
MOKVAR: Edwin! It’s good to see… see you… erm… you… Uh, yeah… so I guess we’ve both gone through some changes since last time I saw you, but…
SHAYARI: Difference is, Beardy, your changes get a lot less obvious once you dip into the back of your closet…
FARANELL: Ah, yes, the ideal person to comment on the current state of my appearance.
SHAYARI: Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t know how to duck fast enough, Eddie!
GARROSH: Hey, Doc, you…
Garrosh stares at Faranell a moment.
Okay, so…
Garrosh stares a moment longer.
I know I might end up regretting I asked this, but…
FARANELL: It’s a loaner. I’m just using it while my regular jaw is in the shop.
GARROSH: I… see.
MOKVAR: Gotta say, Edwin, you Forsaken have a really weird way of life sometimes.
FARANELL: Fancy that, that a community of reanimated corpses might have certain oddities in their cultural norms.
MOKVAR: Uh… right.
SALANDRIA: Wait, his… his jaw is in the shop? Did I hear that right?
LIADRIN: Yes, Dr. Faranell had a bit of an incident involving his jaw.
FARANELL: Yes, much in the same sense that Theramore had something of an incident involving the Focusing Iris.
SALANDRIA: What happened?
GARROSH: Oh geez, here we go…
FARANELL: Mana bomb.
SALANDRIA: No, not that!
GARROSH: Oh for FUCK’S sake.
SALANDRIA: I know that part! I mean your jaw!
SHAYARI: Cue the QQ. Or, you know, Q^3.
FARANELL: Suffice to say that my freshly harvested and installed jaw suffered some structural damage when I attempted to dissuade my would-be erstwhile apprentice from racing after her newly discovered father to a ruined dragon’s lair.
SHAYARI: And you know, there isn’t one single part of that sentence that would be possible if any of us led normal lives.
FARANELL: And, incidentally, just to put the button on the whole sordid affair, I am still waiting for certain reimbursements to be made.
GARROSH: Oh, for fuck’s sake. I… okay, FINE. After we’re done with the whole noodle thing here, I’ll get your damn gold. Are you fucking HAPPY now?
FARANELL: Beside myself with delirium. Bear in mind, also, that in light of the time that’s passed, certain sums of interest have accrued.
GARROSH: Fucking hell, are you kidding me? INTEREST now?!
SPAZZLE: Hey, don’t look at me. He came up with that on his own.
GARROSH: Please don’t tell me you trudged out here just to be a pain in the ass over this.
FARANELL: Oh hardly.
GARROSH: Yeah, good.
FARANELL: I’m a mage. I can teleport. I didn’t have to trudge at all.
Speaking of trudging, Malkorok returns doing just that, with Garrosh’s extra pot of noodles still in hand.
SHAYARI: Anyhow, I don’t think Eddie popped over to join the party, Pops.
Malkorok approaches Garrosh’s station and drops his pot on the counter.
MALKOROK: <aside> I’ve spoken to the guards who were charged with overseeing this area.
MOKVAR: Well, if I remember right, undead don’t really have that much of a sense of taste, so…
GARROSH: <aside> Good. What did they have to say for themselves?
MALKOROK: <aside> Very little. I’ll speak to their widows tomorrow.
SALANDRIA: Oh wow, you can’t taste anything? That must suck.
GARROSH: <aside> Yeah, send them a ham or something.
FARANELL: Not quite. We Forsaken have a sense of taste, just a muted one. It’s why I typically favor spicy foods, since the stronger flavors are more perceptible.
GARROSH: Huh. Well, in that case, Doc, you’re probably gonna like these. <spoons out a serving from his pot> These ought to have enough of a kick that you should–
Garrosh starts to hand the bowl to Faranell; as he does, Deliana unstealths and grabs it from Garrosh’s hand.
DELIANA: Another helping? Don’t mind if I do!
Deliana stealths again and vanishes.
MALKOROK: What–?!
GARROSH: Um.
MOKVAR: Don’t look at me.
GARROSH: <spinning back to Malkorok> HEY, MALK, IT SURE WOULD BE AWESOME IF WE HAD A LITTLE SECURITY IN THE FUCKING CAPITAL CITY!
MALKOROK: <grumbling> Yes, sir… I’ll be back again…
Malkorok starts to storm off, passing Mokvar.
One day you’ll be called to account for your odious taste in friends, scribe.
MOKVAR: I don’t know where you got the idea we were friends.
Malkorok grumbles more and marches off.
GARROSH: Okay, well, I’ll hook you up with another serving in a second here, Doc…
FARANELL: No need, really. I’m mainly here for work reasons.
GARROSH: Work reasons? How?
MOKVAR: You’ve known him long enough that you should probably know better than to ask that question.
FARANELL: Research, and potential sample collection. I figured that at an event like this, someone was bound to produce something usefully toxic, just by the law of averages.
GARROSH: Ah.
JI: Oh, no, Dr. Edwin, I can assure you everyone here is being very careful with their food.
FARANELL: Yes, I suppose, but one can always hope.
Faranell reaches into his cloak and produces an empty vial.
Now don’t mind me; I’m just going to hover around a bit in case someone — cross fingers — turns green.
MOKVAR: Hmph. Or turns chalky white and drops dead?
FARANELL: Touche.
GARROSH: By the way, Lunchbox, are there any kind of prizes for this shindig? Any judges who’ll be coming around that I should be looking to impress and not at all threaten with physical violence, no not at all?
JI: No, sir, no prizes. The only competition in an event like this is with oneself!
GARROSH: Yeah, I should have figured you pandas would be a little too touchy-feely for a straight-up contest.
JI: Not so! The Noodle Festival is meant to be a day of community and sharing, yes, but there’s a long Pandaren tradition of competitive cooking as well!
MOKVAR: You guys really do take your food seriously, don’t you?
SPAZZLE: You wouldn’t have to ask that if you’d been with us shopping this morning.
LIADRIN: What kind of cooking contests do you have, Ji?
JI: Well, one of our most honored customs is… well, the name doesn’t quite translate precisely, but I suppose the nearest approximation would be… “Iron Chef.” It’s a competition in which challengers are given a secret ingredient without notice and must prepare a gourmet meal with it in a limited window of time.
SPAZZLE: That actually sounds kind of cool.
MOKVAR: Spazz, you live on cheap take-out.
SPAZZLE: I know, but this has a whole mad scientist angle that I can appreciate.
FARANELL: Indeed, not to mention that rushed food preparation leaves ample room for hazardous contaminants to come into play. Not that anyone would wish for such a terrible thing, of course.
JI: Based on how well the festival is being received, perhaps we could adapt the competition for the Horde as well!
MOKVAR: Sort of a Horde Iron Chef? Or… Iron Horde Chef? Or… I don’t know, something like that, I guess.
GARROSH: I don’t know about the contest, but fuck, I LOVE the ring of “Iron Horde” — that sounds fucking BADASS, dude.
SHAYARI: Maybe you should look into rebranding, Pops.
GARROSH: MAYBE I SHOULD.
Dontrag, Utvoch, and Taktani enter, carrying boxes.
Don’t think I won’t get right on that shit and…
Dontrag et al start putting their boxes down at the station next to Garrosh.
And…
UTVOCH: Greetings, Warchief!
GARROSH: <turns to Ji> You’re fucking kidding me, right?
TAKTANI: Ooh everybody’s here! And we get to be next to Mr. Warchief! This is going to be so fun! Yay!
GARROSH: Oh fuck me…
RUEKIE: <aside> Oh, sure, he says that and nobody bats an eye…
DONTRAG: A pleasure to see you as always, your supreme Warchieferousness, sir!
GARROSH: Maybe if I don’t make eye contact they’ll assume I don’t know they’re there…
UTVOCH: Sir?
TAKTANI: Mr. Warchief?
JI: Yes, sir. <turning to Dontrag and Utvoch> Well then, Utvoch… Dontrag…
DONTRAG: I’m Dontrag. He’s Utvoch.
UTVOCH: Oh man. I knew I should have brought the letter…
JI: Oh. Okay. Well, your cooking station is ready. I’m looking forward to finding out what you’re making for us!
DONTRAG: Yeah, so are we.
JI: Pardon?
UTVOCH: Well, we don’t really have a recipe that we’re using.
JI: Oh…?
MOKVAR: Uh oh…
DONTRAG: We don’t know any noodle recipes, so we figured we’d just grab a bunch of ingredients and see what we could come up with on the fly!
GARROSH: Yeah, I don’t see any way that this could go wrong…
FARANELL: Now now, let’s not be hasty. I may be about to hit pay dirt.
TAKTANI: Oh hiiiiii Dr. Zombie!
FARANELL: Oh dear.
TAKTANI: I’m super happy to see you again!
Shayari giggles.
MOKVAR: Wait, she knows Edwin?
LIADRIN: I believe she met him a time or two when I first accompanied Shayari to Orgrimmar.
MOKVAR: And I missed this?
SHAYARI: I might possibly have maybe brought her with me a couple weeks ago when I went to the Undercity for a mage lesson, too. Possibly.
GARROSH: Oh, yeah, piss off the creditor even more.
TAKTANI: It was fun! I like Zombie Town! It’s kind of stinky, but that’s okay — it’s like a big haunted house! BOO! Hee hee!
SHAYARI: Kind of like it’s Hallow’s End all the time, right, Tak?
TAKTANI: I knowwwwww!
FARANELL: Must you encourage her?
GARROSH: Right there with you, Doc…
TAKTANI: Ooh! Ooh! Do you do Hallow’s End costumes in Zombie Town, Dr. Zombie? What are you going to be this year??
FARANELL: Far, far, away, Dark Lady permitting.
TAKTANI: Oh. <scratches her head> I don’t know what that looks like, but I bet it’ll be fun!
SHAYARI: You’ll have to go with me again so you can see, Tak!
TAKTANI: Yay! I get to come visit again! Won’t that be fun, Dr. Zombie?
FARANELL: Oh yes. My heart is utterly overflowing with joy.
TAKTANI: Yay! Hee hee!
FARANELL: Or possibly infectious bile. It’s hard to tell. My heart hasn’t beaten in over a decade, after all.
TAKTANI: <blinks> Huh?
FARANELL: Nothing to trouble yourself over. Just think of my heart as you would, say, your brain.
GARROSH: Lot of that going around with this crew, Doc.
DONTRAG: I don’t get it.
GARROSH: Case in point.
FARANELL: Indeed.
Giska, Korrina, and Kulkesh return with several large packages, which they put down at Garrosh’s station.
KULKESH: Good news, sir — Olvia just got some fresh talbuk steaks in.
GARROSH: <sorting through packages> Good deal. You kids get everything?
KORRINA: I think so, Captain. The vendors kind of fumbled their way through the whole order.
GISKA: Maybe next time don’t start breaking fingers right away?
KORRINA: Maybe next time mofos don’t get lippy.
GARROSH: Yeah, well, here, now that you’ve all earned your keep, have some grub.
Garrosh passes bowls of noodles to Giska, Korrina, and Kulkesh.
GISKA: Thanks, Captain!
KULKESH: Smells good, sir.
LIADRIN: I must say, Garrosh, I’m surprised — these are quite good.
GARROSH: Why is everyone always shocked out of their minds any time they find out I can do something other than punch people and scratch my ass?
MOKVAR: To be fair, you don’t exactly project complexity…
LIADRIN: You said these were a family recipe, Warchief?
GISKA: They’re not bad, Captain.
GARROSH: Kind of. I sort of improvised around something Greatmother used to make back in Nagrand.
LIADRIN: Did she teach you?
GARROSH: Not really, I just — what’s with you, Korrina? Something wrong with your food?
KORRINA: Uh, not really, sir. <poking awkwardly at her noodles with chopsticks> I mean, they look good, and they smell good… I’ll let you know how they taste once I figure out how to use these damn things.
KULKESH: They’re a little awkward at first, yeah, but they’re not so bad once you get used to them.
SHAYARI: <reaching back and adjusting the chopsticks in her hair> Oh, hey, is that what these things are supposed to be for? I was wondering why they were giving them out.
Korrina starts to pick up some noodles with her chopsticks, only to have them slip loose and drop back into her bowl.
KORRINA: Ugh — yeah, this isn’t so bad at all…
GISKA: No no, try like this… see, you keep one of them balanced against your thumb, and…
Korrina takes another stab at her food with the chopsticks, but loses her grip, sending one chopstick — and most of the noodles she was picking up — spilling onto the ground.
KORRINA: Dammit! <throws her other chopstick down> Oh hell with it…
Korrina reaches over to Ruekie and snaps one of the ornamental forks off of her shoulder guards, then uses it to pick up some noodles.
RUEKIE: Hey!
KORRINA: There.
RUEKIE: Aw, man…
DONTRAG: Uh, Ut, what did you put into those?
UTVOCH: Huh? I didn’t put anything. I just cooked the noodles.
DONTRAG: But they’re all gooey or something.
TAKTANI: That was me, Mr. D!
UTVOCH: You added something? What did you put in there?
TAKTANI: Cheese!
DONTRAG: Wait, what? Cheese doesn’t… I mean, how does that even work?
TAKTANI: <blinks> Um… I like cheese!
UTVOCH: You know, this doesn’t smell half bad…
TAKTANI: So noodles are good, and cheese is good, so now they can all be good together!
DONTRAG: Tak, you can’t just… I mean, who puts cheese in noodles?
TAKTANI: I’d take it out if you want, Mr. D, but it’s all melty now!
UTVOCH: It actually smells pretty good…
DONTRAG: Noodles and cheese? Really?
UTVOCH: <eating some of the noodles> Donty, seriously, try some of this…
TAKTANI: Do you like it? Yay!
KULKESH: Hey, you know, that does smell pretty good over there…
While Kulkesh, Korrina, and Giska make their way over to Dontrag and Utvoch’s station, Malkorok returns.
MALKOROK: I’ve put additional patrols around the gates, Warchief. It would of course be easier if so many of these… people… weren’t wandering around, but it should suffice for now.
GARROSH: Yeah, well, we can’t exactly barricade off half the city.
MALKOROK: Yes, sir.
KULKESH: Oh wow, this really does taste good!
GISKA: Noodles and cheese — who would’ve guessed?
Ji leans over Dontrag, Utvoch, and Taktani’s pot while Gurtash, Ruekie, and Salandria gather around.
JI: <sniffing> Ooh, a triumphant culinary experiment, I see! Don’t mind if I try some myself…
Ji reaches over Dontrag’s shoulder and scoops some noodles into his (cartoonishly oversized) bowl.
GARROSH: What the… does that crap even have any damn MEAT in it?
TAKTANI: Oh don’t worry, Mr. Warchief! Nobody had to hurt any poor animals for this!
GARROSH: For fuck’s sake, the murder’s the tastiest part!
MOKVAR: I don’t know, boss, looks like they’re starting to draw a following.
Spazzle eyes the passersby who have started to gather around D&U&T’s station, then leans up to try to peek in their pot.
SPAZZLE: Huh… Uh, Tak?
TAKTANI: Hi, Mr. Goblin!
SPAZZLE: Uh, yeah, hi. So… what kind of cheese did you put in there?
TAKTANI: Oh, nothing fancy, Mr. Goblin. Just regular old cheddar!
SPAZZLE: Huh… that stuff barely costs a few silver…
TAKTANI: We could use another kind if you’d like it more!
SPAZZLE: No, it’s not that, just… Uh, Utvoch? Aren’t those noodles the kind they have in those little packets from Pandaria?
UTVOCH: Oh, yeah, that’s why I got them. They’re crazy cheap — they’re only something like eight copper a pack, so you can get a ton of them and barely spend anything.
SPAZZLE: Yeah, uh, that’s what I thought.
Spazzle looks at the growing line, then thinks a moment.
So… how would you guys feel about a business venture…?
UTVOCH: Uh… maybe?
GARROSH: Okay, fuck it, I have to see what the big fucking deal is with this crap.
Garrosh shoves Utvoch out of the way and scoops some of the noodles and cheese into a bowl.
It doesn’t even SMELL like anything special, I don’t know why there’s people coming out of the damn woodwork to–
Deliana unstealths and lifts the bowl out of Garrosh’s hands.
DELIANA: Oh, you need a taste tester? Sure thing, Garry!
Deliana stealths again and disappears.
GARROSH: <spinning back to Malkorok> WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?!
So, you know. That went about as well as anything else I fucking try to do around here. I really might have to look into that “Iron Horde” thing, though. It seriously does sound fucking badass.
More soon.
Horde Iron Chef (part 1)
So today was kind of a festive day in Orgrimmar. Ever since the pandas came to town, Ji’s been pestering me off and on to let him introduce some of his traditional panda customs. Which struck me as kind of funny, seeing as pretty much any tavern or eatery owner who’s found their stock of food suddenly, totally depleted within like twenty minutes of ol’ Stuffed-With-Fluff waddling in the door has already gotten pretty damn familiar with the only real panda custom I know about. Still, though, Ji keep insisting there were some traditional events in panda custom that he thought would carry over pretty well. I was still kind of on the fence, but then I guess Lunchbox got in Spazzle’s ear about it (not hard to do, really, because LOOK AT THOSE EARS, right?) (HAHA I crack myself up sometimes), and then Spazzle got Boss Mida from the Bilgewater goblins into the loop on it, and then the word “sponsorships” came up, and did I MENTION teenage daughters are fucking expensive?
By the way, if you haven’t gotten your insurance straightened out, you totally should look into it.
Stop looking at me like that, dammit. An orc’s gotta put food on the table. And… apparently… dozens of outfits in the closet. Ugh.
But yeah, NOW we were in business. Like literally.
So the particular tradition in question in this case was this thing called the Pandaren Noodle Festival. Now, anybody who’s been over to Pandaria is probably pretty aware that those pandas love them some noodles. Look over any panda menu and you’re going to find noodles all over the place. And so apparently, in a lot of their villages, once a year they have a big festival where everyone in town whips up their best noodle dishes, usually family recipes or whatever, and everybody samples everybody else’s and sort of spends the day hanging out with music and booze and whatever else. And then everybody puts on like eleven pounds but who the hell even notices because pandas.
Anyhow, though, it sounded like a fun enough time, and with all the crap that’s gone on lately, people could probably use a morale boost, so I let Ji and some of his buddies go ahead and plan a big ol’ outdoor festival down in the Valley of Honor. We cleared out some space and let them set up some tables and kiosks, and I hear tell Deep-Dish has managed to get folks from all over the place to sign on to come contribute some grub. I even got Zaela to send up a few kegs of special dwarven brew that her people collected from some Wildhammer dwarves who apparently stumbled across some sort of mishap where they were caught outside during a storm and were mysteriously chopped up with axes. So, you know, a little more variety for the booze.
It’s been going on for most of the day today, and I have to say it seems like a pretty good time so far. We’ve got people dropping by Orgrimmar from all over to join the party. I’m even going to try to swing by myself once I get one last thing finished up here…
Liadrin, with a young blood elf girl in tow, approaches Mokvar, who’s munching on a bowl of noodles at one of the kiosks.
LIADRIN: Hello, Mokvar. It’s been too long.
MOKVAR: Liadrin! It’s good to see you again.
LIADRIN: I’m glad you’re finally back home. Things are smoothed over with Garrosh?
MOKVAR: They’re…a work in progress. But I’m managing. You’re in town for the festival, I’m guessing?
LIADRIN: After a fashion. I’ve actually been visiting Orgrimmar fairly regularly to help with Shayari since she arrived. When my duties in Silvermoon allow, of course.
MOKVAR: Right, so… I mean… is she really… you know… Garrosh’s daughter?
LIADRIN: That’s what all of Dr. Faranell’s tests indicate. If she’s a fraud, she’s a spectacularly effective one.
MOKVAR: How is Edwin, anyway?
LIADRIN: He’s well, so far as one can tell with him. I believe he’s around here some– Ah! Here she comes.
Shayari enters.
Shayari! A pleasure to see you.
SHAYARI: Hey, Liadrin. Beardy.
MOKVAR: Mokvar.
SHAYARI: Whatever.
LIADRIN: Shay, I’d like to introduce you to someone. Both of you, actually. This is my daughter, Salandria.
MOKVAR: I didn’t know you had children, Liadrin.
LIADRIN: I adopted Salandria some years ago, in the late stages of the Outland campaign. Initially to begin her training as a paladin, though she’s…currently exploring other career options.
SALANDRIA: In other words, she’s letting me take a year off to work on my music.
LIADRIN: <sighs> We all need some time “find” ourselves, I suppose… I’ve changed classes twice myself over the years, so I’m hardly one to criticize.
MOKVAR: Yeah, right there with you.
LIADRIN: At any rate. Being as Salandria is a bit younger than the other paladin trainees, I thought it might be nice for her to have the chance to make some friends from within her peer group, or close to it. Salandria, this is Mokvar, and Shayari.
SHAYARI: <waving> Hey.
SALANDRIA: Hi.
SHAYARI: Oh, hey, cool guitar!
SALANDRIA: Thanks.
MOKVAR: Do you lug that thing around everywhere? It looks pretty heavy.
SALANDRIA: A little, but you never know when inspiration is going to strike!
LIADRIN: As our neighbors in Silvermoon have become painfully aware…
SALANDRIA: Yeah, yeah, I bet they wouldn’t complain if I was playing… like… I don’t know… the harp or something. I bet that placeholder regent guy plays one of those.
LIADRIN: You mean Regent-Lord Theron.
SHALANDRIA: Yeah, that guy.
SHAYARI: You’ll get along well with Pops if you keep taking shots at Whosy-Whatsy like that.
MOKVAR: Is Garrosh around here?
LIADRIN: I haven’t seen him so far.
SHAYARI: I think he said something about coming by.
MOKVAR: Well, if nothing else, he’s not really one to miss a party, so…
SALANDRIA: Oh, hey, sounds like I really would hit it off with ol’ Garry.
LIADRIN and MOKVAR: No.
SHAYARI: Really, seriously, don’t.
SALANDRIA: Huh?
Gurtash and Ruekie enter, holding noodle bowls, and approach the group.
MOKVAR: Do not call him that.
SHAYARI: For real.
GURTASH: Don’t call who what?
SHAYARI: Pops, “Garry.”
RUEKIE: Oh jeepers, no!
GURTASH: No no no no no, don’t do that!
SALANDRIA: Yeesh, why?
SHAYARI: He does not like it when people call him that. For some reason.
MOKVAR: He’s killed for less.
GURTASH: Like, literally.
SALANDRIA: Huh. Okay…
LIADRIN: And hello, Gurtash. I’m happy to see you’re up and well.
GURTASH: Thanks.
SALANDRIA: What happened to him?
SHAYARI: Pip got himself sliced up by a drakonid. Also, hey Pip.
SALANDRIA: Ouch!
GURTASH: Hey.
SHAYARI: I know, right?
GURTASH: She said, as if she was the one getting cut up…
SALANDRIA: Is that how you got your scar?
Gurtash shifts uneasily.
’Cause it looks kinda fresh.
GURTASH: Uh… yeah.
SHAYARI: You know, that could have gotten even more awkward if the answer had been no.
RUEKIE: It’s really not so bad, Gurtash…
GURTASH: Yeah, I guess.
SALANDRIA: It actually looks kinda badass, Pip.
GURTASH: That’s not my name!
SHAYARI: <snickering>
SALANDRIA: Oh. Um…
RUEKIE: He doesn’t like it when people call him that.
SALANDRIA: So it’s kind of like his “Garry”?
SHAYARI: Other than the fact that no on really takes it seriously in his case, sure.
GURTASH: My name is Gurtash.
SHAYARI: He really does get wound up about it when people call him Pip.
GURTASH: You’re the only one that does.
SHAYARI: Okay. When I call him Pip.
SALANDRIA: Why do you call him that, then?
SHAYARI: Because he gets really wound up about it? I just said! He’s a real pip about it. Oh hey, there we go again.
GURTASH: Anyway… I’m Gurtash.
SALANDRIA: Hi. Salandria.
LIADRIN: Gurtash is one of the Warchief’s military trainees. And this is… I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve met your friend, Gurtash.
RUEKIE: My name’s Rue’kara. People call me Ruekie, though.
GURTASH: She’s another trainee like me.
LIADRIN: Ah, I see. I don’t think I’ve met any of Garrosh’s warrior proteges other than you, Gurtash.
GURTASH: Well, we’re not all warriors.
RUEKIE: I’m a shaman.
LIADRIN: Oh. I suppose I’d just assumed, since Garrosh is…well, rather emphatically a warrior himself.
GURTASH: A lot of us are, like– oh, hey, there they are over there — like Korrina and Kulkesh–
Gurtash waves to try to catch their attention across the festival grounds.
Nope. No go, they don’t see me. Anyhow, yeah, a lot of us are warriors, but there are a bunch like Ruekie who aren’t.
RUEKIE: Tuekie’s a rogue.
SHAYARI: Wait, who?
RUEKIE: Tuekie, my twin sister.
GURTASH: She’s a trainee, too.
RUEKIE: She just didn’t come with us to Pandaria, so she’s a little behind.
SHAYARI: Wait, your parents named her Tuekie?
RUEKIE: Well, Tue’kara.
SHAYARI: Right, but… after they named you Rue’kara?
RUEKIE: I think she was first by a couple minutes, actually.
SHAYARI: Okay, fine, concurrently, whatever. You’re missing the point.
RUEKIE: No, I get it. <shrugs> My parents are weird.
SALANDRIA: Right there with you.
LIADRIN: Salandria.
MOKVAR: It DOES seem pretty cruel to give twins names that rhyme.
RUEKIE: I know, I know…
SHAYARI: Sorry, Rue…
GURTASH: But yeah, there’s Tuekie, and Tov’osh. And Giska’s a monk, even.
RUEKIE: I think she’s– oh, yeah, there she is, helping the monk trainer set up.
SHAYARI: Her class trainer’s got her doing odd jobs setting up for a noodle festival?
GURTASH: Looks like it.
MOKVAR: I’m surprised Garrosh doesn’t do something like that with you kids.
GURTASH: <holding up sketch pad> Um, hello?
MOKVAR: Okay, point taken. But I mean, with ALL of you.
RUEKIE: Don’t give him ideas!
SALANDRIA: You mean he doesn’t? Huh, maybe I should look into being a warrior if the rock star thing doesn’t work out, what with the all the chores I was getting socked with as a pally-in-training…
LIADRIN: Don’t you get started about your apprenticeship duties again.
SALANDRIA: I’m just saying, I don’t really see what cleaning up after refugees had to do with perfecting my Crusader Strike!
LIADRIN: It was community service!
SALANDRIA: Suuuuuure…
SHAYARI: All I know is, Eddie’s got another thing coming if he starts trying to get me to do that kind of random crap for him.
SALANDRIA: Who’s Eddie?
SHAYARI: He’s my mage trainer. At least when he’s not preoccupied with making snarky comments about everything.
LIADRIN: Salandria, that’s the Dr. Faranell I’ve mentioned.
SALANDRIA: Oh, the dead guy? He’s that Eddie?
MOKVAR: Edwin.
SALANDRIA: Huh?
MOKVAR: He goes by Edwin. You probably don’t want to try calling him Eddie.
SHAYARI: Why? I always do.
LIADRIN: I’m sure “Dr. Faranell” will suffice.
SHAYARI: That’s so formal, though! I prefer Eddie.
SALANDRIA: Yeesh, you guys really like to call people things they don’t like, don’t you?
MOKVAR: You haven’t even met Garrosh yet…
GURTASH: Well, some of us do, yeah.
SHAYARI: Oh, it’ll grow on you, Pip.
MOKVAR: <to Liadrin> Are you sure you want to get her mixed up in all this?
LIADRIN: Completely sure? Hardly. But, better for her to have some contact with a few peers.
RUEKIE: There aren’t other blood elf kids in Silvermoon?
LIADRIN: There are, but… well, not all of them are necessarily the best influences.
MOKVAR: As opposed to the vast improvement you’re seeing here?
SHAYARI: Hey, we’re pretty damn cool, Beardy.
RUEKIE: Yeah!
GURTASH: Wait for it…
SHAYARI: At least the me part of the we.
RUEKIE: Hey!
GURTASH: Boom.
RUEKIE: Oh… Oh, hey, is that a guitar?
SALANDRIA: Yup!
RUEKIE: Do you play?
SHAYARI: No, she just carries it around to trick people.
RUEKIE: Are you good?
SALANDRIA: I’m getting there! That’s what I want to do. Someday I’m gonna open for the Elite Tauren Chieftains.
LIADRIN: Just so long as you keep your Tauren Chieftains ambitions limited to–
SALANDRIA: And marry Sig Nicious!
LIADRIN: Salandria…
SHAYARI: Okay, well, he is kinda cute.
RUEKIE: Which one is he?
MOKVAR: The kinda-cute one, I guess?
SALANDRIA: My future husband, that’s who!
LIADRIN: Salandria, even setting aside how unlikely it is that you would even meet him, you and I both know he’s much too old for you.
SALANDRIA: He is not!
LIADRIN: He’s in his 230s!
SALANDRIA: So? Didn’t you tell me once that you dated that ranger guy when you were younger?
LIADRIN: What about it?
SALANDRIA: So he was a lot older than you! How come that was okay?
LIADRIN: All right, granted, I was half his age. You, on the other hand, are the square root of his age.
SALANDRIA: Oh come on!
Garrosh enters, carrying a large pot and wearing a chef’s hat and apron. Malkorok, carrying another large pot (and looking none to happy about it) enters with him.
MOKVAR: Um…
SHAYARI: <shaking her head while facepalming> Oh, Light, just take me now…
LIADRIN: Um… hello, Warchief.
MOKVAR: I mean… do we not give you enough crap already?
GURTASH: Uhh…
GARROSH: Why the fuck are you people staring at me like I just sprouted a second head?
SHAYARI: <muttering> Maybe that one would have enough sense not to leave the house looking like that…
LIADRIN: It’s only that that’s a very… colorful outfit, sir.
MOKVAR: That’s one way to put it.
GARROSH: Hey, look, if I’m gonna cook, I might as well look the part, all right?
MOKVAR: And I mean… are those… are those murloc oven mitts?
GARROSH: THEY WERE A HOUSEWARMING GIFT FROM EITRIGG WHEN I MOVED TO ORGRIMMAR, OKAY?
SHAYARI: Oh Light, it just keeps getting worse…
LIADRIN: <squinting> And… am I not seeing your apron correctly, or is that lettering…?
GARROSH: Oh. Yeah. It was originally one of those aprons that say “Kiss the Chef.”
SHAYARI: <meekly> And it just keeps coming…
LIADRIN: And now…?
GARROSH: Well now I’ve gotten it doctored up around the “Chef” part. With a “War” in front and an I squeezed into the middle.
LIADRIN: I see…
MOKVAR: Wait, you actually sat down and sewed that onto the apron?
SHAYARI: Oh spirits, can’t we just let it go away…?
GARROSH: No, you jackass, I didn’t sit down and sew the damn apron. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? I hired some tailors to fix it up for me.
SHAYARI: Wait, wait, hang on. This is important. You went to tailors about this?
GARROSH: Yeah, why?
SHAYARI: As in, tailors who run clothing stores kind of tailors?
GARROSH: Yeah, WHY?
SHAYARI: Okay, listen to me very carefully. Where exactly did you go for this?
GARROSH: Why the fuck does it even matter?
SHAYARI: Because I need to know who’s been made aware of this mana bomb of shame.
GARROSH: Huh. Let me think. I don’t even remember the name of the place…
SHAYARI: <pressing eyes closed and crossing fingers> Please say the goblin slums, please say the goblin slums, please say…
GARROSH: It was some place in Silvermoon, though.
SHAYARI: Oh Light…
LIADRIN: Oh dear. Shay, I hate to say this, but I think I might have had an unwitting hand in this…
SHAYARI: What did you do?!
GARROSH: Why the hell are you acting like me getting an apron is the damn apocalypse or something?
SHAYARI: You stay out of this!
GARROSH: Stay out of– I AM “THIS”!
LIADRIN: I was speaking with Garrosh a while back, and he’d asked me to recommend a tailor, so I pointed him toward a place in the Bazaar.
SHAYARI: Oh spirits save me…
LIADRIN: I didn’t know what he was looking for a tailor for specifically.
SHAYARI: Do you realize what you’ve done?! You didn’t stop and think why he might want a tailor?
LIADRIN: Well, to be fair, look at him. The possibilities are endless.
SHAYARI: Oh Light… which place?
GARROSH: Some “trusted” place, I think.
LIADRIN: Keelan’s Trustworthy Tailoring.
SHAYARI: Oh no… No, no, no, no…
GARROSH: They turned it around really quick, gotta say.
LIADRIN: They always do.
GARROSH: Dude did look at me kind of funny when he got the order, though.
SHAYARI: Well, there’s one store I can never show my face in again…
SALANDRIA: Uh, does he always walk around looking like this?
SHAYARI: Oh, yeah, sure, every day Azeroth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.
SALANDRIA: I’m going to take that as a no.
MOKVAR: Good call.
GARROSH: Look, I don’t care what you people–
Garrosh looks at Mokvar.
Hey, hang on a minute.
He looks Mokvar over again.
So wait, did you go and change up on us AGAIN?
MOKVAR: What do you mean?
GARROSH: I mean, you were a shaman back before you ran off on your damn crazy train mission looking for your crystal doohicky, right?
MOKVAR: Right.
GARROSH: And then you came back and you’d become a warlock again.
RUEKIE: <aside> Ohh, is that what happened with him? Handy recap!
GURTASH: <aside> Ssshhh, I think it’s about to take one of those turns.
MOKVAR: Yeah…?
RUEKIE: <aside> How can you tell?
GURTASH: <aside> I’ve been tagging along for these conversations for a long time now…
GARROSH: Well, look at you. Are you back to being a shaman again now?
MOKVAR: <sighs> No, no…
GARROSH: Because if so, dude, you’ve got some SERIOUS problems with career indecision, let me tell you.
MOKVAR: No, I’m not a shaman again. I’m still a warlock.
GARROSH: So what’s up with the non-warlock-being getup?
MOKVAR: I’m just wearing my other suit! Not everyone has to wear the same thing every day.
SHAYARI: Oh thank Light I’m not the only one who realizes that. There might be hope for you yet, Beardy.
Liadrin leans to look into the pot Garrosh is carrying.
LIADRIN: I take it, sir, that you’ve decided to offer your own… contribution to the festival?
SALANDRIA: You know, that smells pretty good, whatever it is.
MOKVAR: It actually does…
GARROSH: Yeah, I figured what the hell, I might as well get in on it a little.
LIADRIN: Most commendable, sir. What is it, exactly?
GARROSH: I doctored up one of Greatmother’s old recipes and whipped up some spicy talbuk noodles.
LIADRIN: I must admit, sir, I didn’t realize that you cooked.
GARROSH: Garadar chili cook off champion, I’ll have you know.
MOKVAR: Weren’t you actually first runner up?
GARROSH: Not after Grok’nar had that unfortunate incident with the severe head trauma from several large rocks. Which I’m sure they’ll rule was natural causes if they ever find his body.
SHAYARI: I have to admit, he’s actually not a bad cook.
LIADRIN: I see you’re a man of many talents, sir.
GARROSH: You know, it’s funny, you’re not the first blood elf woman to tell me that.
SHAYARI: <cringing> You realize you’re just making my future therapy bills worse…
GARROSH: …this week.
SHAYARI: Welp, there’s two more months right there.
GARROSH: I guess I just need ol’ Lunchbox to get me set up at a station or something.
GURTASH: It looks like he’s getting some more setup done with Giska over there.
RUEKIE: I’ll try to watch for them, sir.
LIADRIN: In the meantime, Garrosh, allow me to introduce my daughter, Salandria. I’m sure, conversely, the Warchief needs no introduction.
GARROSH: Oh, yeah, I remember you mentioning her.
SALANDRIA: Hi, sir. Nice tats.
GARROSH: Huh. Thanks. Traditional Warsong markings.
SALANDRIA: They’re cool. <leaning and looking behind Garrosh> Soooooo, how far down do they go…?
LIADRIN: Salandria, don’t start!
SALANDRIA: I’m just asking!
LIADRIN: You know perfectly well.
SHAYARI: <squeezing eyes closed> Ohhh, spirits, please don’t let this become a thing.
GARROSH: Well, while we’re waiting on Pudge, some of you people might as well dig in for some of the talbuk-noodly goodness.
SALANDRIA: Bah, I still need to get a bowl.
MOKVAR: Here, I’ve got mine.
Mokvar passes a bowl over to Garrosh, who spoons out some noodles.
GARROSH: Yeah, here, try not to get any in your beard for once.
Garrosh holds the bowl out to Mokvar. Before Mokvar can take it, Deliana unstealths and grabs it from Garrosh’s hand.
DELIANA: Thanks! Smells good!
Deliana stealths again and vanishes.
GARROSH: Um.
Garrosh blinks, then turns back to Malkorok.
Seriously, dude, a little fucking SECURITY up in this bitch? Isn’t that kind of your whole fucking JOB?
MALKOROK: Ugh, apologies, Warchief. Although this does illustrate some issues we’ve been… ugh, regardless… <waving to nearby guards, then approaching them> Kor’kron!
GARROSH: Wait, actually…
Garrosh turns back to Mokvar.
How is it, exactly, that your little human friend is SNEAKING INTO ORGRIMMAR?
MOKVAR: Garrosh, you’ve met her. Do you really think I could make her stay away even if I wanted?
GARROSH: Yeah, well, if Malk manages to track her down, you better not hold your breath waiting for her to turn up again. Anyway, in the meantime, you can wait for your helping until she brings back your damn bowl. So… who else is up?
RUEKIE: I’d like to try some, sir!
GARROSH: Yeah, okay. Here.
Garrosh spoons a large portion of noodles into Ruekie’s bowl.
RUEKIE: Oh, wow, sir. You sure know how to give a girl a mouthful!
Everyone stares at Ruekie for a moment.
Oh gosh! I didn’t– I mean– I– I’m gonna stop talking now.
MOKVAR: At least you’ve got noodles.
Deliana unstealths and drops an empty bowl into Mokvar’s hands.
DELIANA: Here you go! Good stuff!
Deliana stealths again and vanishes.
GARROSH: <bellowing over at Malkorok> UH, MALK, ANYTIME YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE WANNA GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES WOULD BE TERRIFIC!
SALANDRIA: Is this what it’s usually like with you guys?
SHAYARI: You have no idea.
{As it turns out, the Pandaren Noodle Festival brought far more absurdity than I could hope to pack into one post, so our Orgrimmar block party will continue soon, with appearances from even more of our supporting cast. TO BE CONTINUED soon — stay tuned…}
Warchiefing for dummies
So it occurs to me that not everybody is a natural leader like I am, but maybe you’re in a position where you’re saddled with some kind of authority. Maybe you didn’t even ask for the job, but it got handed to you anyway. You’re probably in over your head, actually, what with you not being ME or anything, but you’ve got the job regardless and now you’ve got to make the best of it. And so I know what you’re thinking: “Dammit, Garrosh, how can I be awesome like you at this?”
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you, skipper. The bad news is, sorry, you can’t be awesome like me. Let’s be real here, right? But the good news is that you CAN at least learn to suck a little less. And to help you out with that, here comes your favorite Warchief to lay down the ins and outs of kickass, badass, all-around-ass pro leadership.
Or: WARCHIEFING FOR DUMMIES.
Now before everybody starts shitting themselves based on the title, don’t panic, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not getting ready to hand off leadership to somebody else, and even if I did I would probably just be trolling or some shit. No, don’t worry, you get to look forward to having ol’ Garrosh in charge for a good long time still.
What this IS is a set of handy-dandy guidelines for making the most of your own leadership position. Maybe you’re a military commander. Like me. Or maybe you’re a guild leader on Earth Online. Like me. Or maybe you run your own… I don’t know, you run your own diner, like a barbeque place specializing in the awesomeness of pork, maybe call it Bacon R Us or something. Which, holy shit, if that place DOESN’T already exist, somebody needs to get on the stick and open it like pronto, because I’ll be over for dinner like fucking TONIGHT. Table for two, 7:15. Make sure you’ve got extra sauce stocked.
Point is, though, if you don’t have the benefit of being ME, then you could probably benefit from getting a little more me-ness in your operation. So, here’s your very own personal desperately needed guide to getting some Garrosh in you. (Ladies.)
So, let’s get down to some Warchiefing.
THE BASICS
So, this first point should be painfully obvious to anyone who isn’t stupid, but if there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s that assuming someone isn’t stupid is almost always a losing proposition. So I’ll go ahead and point out the obvious to you fuckers: being an authority figure means having authority OVER someone. And the more authority you have, the more of those someones you’ve got, until you make your way all the way up to my level, where you’re so much of a boss that people look at you and try to fathom just how much of a boss you are and their heads just go blank and all they can come up with is “??” Only you’re NOT really going to make your way up to that level, because that level is my level, and nobody else is going to reach that level while I’m around, so don’t go getting any ideas.
SO.
If you’re the person in charge, that means you have minions. Hopefully, your minions aren’t as FUCKING INCOMPETENT as most of MY minions, but, you know, good luck there. Point is, though, one way or another, those minions are what you’ve got to work with. Which leads us to our first few Warchiefing guidelines:
USE YOUR DAMN MINIONS
This should be pretty obvious — you might be noticing a theme developing already — but let’s be honest here. If obvious shit was really obvious to everyone, they wouldn’t need me to point it out. Obvious is only obvious to people with enough brains to see the… obviosity. YES THAT’S A FUCKING WORD. Obviously.
The point is, your minions are there to work for you. So put them to work. Delegate. Figure out what your minions don’t completely suck at, and get those motherfuckers busy doing that. If at all possible, also try to watch out for what they DO completely suck at, and then, don’t let them do that. This last item might be hard to manage, depending on how stupid the minions in question are. One way or another, though, get them working. If the shit they’re able to do lines up with shit you’d just as soon avoid yourself, by the way? WIN-WIN.
Case in point: when I first became Warchief, one of the biggest surprises was just how much time I ended up being stuck with paperwork. Like you would not BELIEVE how many forms need to get filled out in an average day of running an ambiguously structured quasi-totalitarian regime the dictatorial nature of which only became questionable to anyone once it was being run by the guy WITHOUT the fucking messiah complex. I think I might have digressed a little there. But anyway. I had all this paperwork piling, form after form to fill out, and hoo boy was that eating up my day and leaving me precious little time to… you know… play computer games and write EPIC VERSE. And just… be awesome and stuff. But LO AND BEHOLD, right there in Grommash Hold with me was old man Eitrigg, with his nice tidy penmanship and his cushy retirement plan that he didn’t want to cash in on even though he was like a zillion years old, and his charming habit of bitching and moaning to me about everything and anything if he didn’t have something to keep him otherwise occupied. So what did I do? That’s right, I KEPT HIS ASS FUCKING OCCUPIED.
Actually, scratch that. That made it sound vaguely dirty, and OH SHIT I bet Rule 34 has already engaged. Shit. Okay, well, moving on.
The point is, I shuffled that paperwork right on over to the old dude, and let him worry about “in triplicate” being a depressingly recurrent phrase in his life, while I freed myself up to get back to things more in line with my Warchieferous stature. DELEGATION, bitches.
So, as much as possible, you need to have a clear, solid sense of what your people have going for them, so you can use them effectively. Here, take a few examples of what I’m talking about:
So, see, that gives you a basic sense of what you need to know about what your people bring to the table. Actually, come to think of it, that could be a pretty cool resource: like have a table where you could have all that information about your minions gathered in one place, and then you use it to assign them to whatever missions need to be covered, and then you can dispatch them right from there.
Hmm.
Actually, fuck that. I bet that setup would be cool for like a week or two, then become fucking BORING. Fuck that. I don’t want to be stuck at a damn desk all the time. I want to get out there and do some stuff myself. OKAY THEN, on second thought:
HANDS-ON LEADERSHIP
Let’s be honest here. Contrary to what the touchy-feely motherfuckers of the world would have you believe, it’s not a matter of stepping back and letting your people do their job and trusting them not to fuck it up. They’re GOING to fuck it up, okay? I’m just telling you the facts here. The fucking math doesn’t lie. Odds are, they’re going to fuck something up. You could give them a job to do that’s got, like, a fucking 99% chance of working, and just you watch them dig down deep and crowbar their stupid asses into that 1%. And that’s when you sometimes have to be ready to get out there in the field and show those dumbasses how shit gets done. So whether it’s blood elves who can’t figure out why they’re getting their baby teeth kicked in by a bunch of statues, or blood elves who think it’s a hot idea to send one random scrub into an enemy lair, or blood elves… I don’t know. Some third thing. Probably involving blood elves. POINT IS, don’t be afraid to roll up your sleeves and take matters into your own hands.
For one thing, it’s good for morale when the troops see you out there in the trenches with them. Plus, that way, when they DO fuck up, and then you pimp in and show them how fucking easy it is for a non-jackass to do things, well, you’ve already given them enough rope to hang themselves, so now you get to come down like a mountain of hellfire on them, and if they happen to leave some rope literally lying around the joint, maybe even ACTUALLY hang them. Because THAT’S how you make sure that the NEXT batch of minions sees what happens when fuckuppery ensues, and maybe get more motivated to have their asses in gear than the last (late) bunch of minions.
See, at the end of the day, it’s all about the tough love.
So go on, get out there, kick some ass, take some names, then use the names to yell at the motherfuckers while you kick their asses some more. You’ll feel better, believe me.
THE BIG PICTURE
The biggest reason you want to delegate, though, isn’t because you’re lazy, or because you want to amuse yourself watching the B-listers try to stay on top of an A-list job and almost certainly shit all over themselves as a result, or because you prefer spending your time eating an assortment of tasty lemon squares off of an assortment of tasty groupies. I mean, you probably do, because really, but that’s not the main reason. The most important reason to delegate is because the jobs you’re going to delegate, no matter how important they might be, they’re just the DETAILS. But YOU are the one who’s mapped out how those details are going to add up to something. You’re the one thinking five steps ahead. You’re the man with the plan. OR WOMAN, OR WOMAN, DON’T START WRITING FUCKING LETTERS, GEEZ.
Point is, you’re the one who’s got it all figured out, because seriously, does THAT sound like a job you want to leave to the Dontrags and Utvochs of the world? No, of course not. They don’t know what the fuck’s going on. When you send your minions into a situation, they don’t have the sense to realize all the things that could go wrong. But YOU do — you know perfectly well all the ways the operation could — probably WILL — end up blowing up in everyone’s face. So you need to stay freed up to continue figuring out all the reasons why the mission is doomed to failure and is probably a bad idea to begin with, and then send their asses out to give it the ol’ college try anyway. Probably the ol’ COMMUNITY college try, given the likely state of your minions, but still.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I might add to it another time if more unfathomable genius comes to me.
More soon.
House Call
You know, I have to say, I was fine with it — more or less — when Garrosh ordered me to take up inscription. And I wasn’t in much of a position to object when he assigned me to be a spy, essentially, with Neeru Fireblade. But all kidding aside, I really may have to draw the line if he gets it in his head to make me be a veterinarian, too.
For the time being, I suppose it’s good to have a break from the Cleft of Shadow and Ragefire Chasm, if only for an afternoon. Garrosh asked me to go over to the Valley of Honor today, to the main stables. Garrosh has been in contact with one of the kennel masters there, Ogunaro Wolfrunner, off and on for a little while now, and evidently there’s been a problem with one of his wolves. Ordinarily, that wouldn’t be a job for me; I don’t know much about wolves other than how to ride one. In this case, though, Garrosh said there was a situation that might call for — how did he put it? — my unique set of skills. Based on what Ogunaro reported, it seemed like this wolf’s situation might have connections to the magics of both shamans and warlocks. And, well, given the string of career changes I’ve compiled over the years…
Just like me to fall ass-backwards into being an “expert” without ever feeling like I know what I’m doing. Oh well.
Ogunaro seems like a good enough guy. Really earnest. I mean really, REALLY earnest. He seems like the kind of guy you’d love to have in your corner, so long as you don’t have to actually talk to him too much. It just gets exhausting after a while, you know?
He took me to a pen he’d set up out back for this wolf — named Golmash, evidently, after Garrosh’s grandfather. (Not that I’m one to talk, but really, could this guy be trying any harder to ingratiate himself to Garrosh?) The wolf had an indoor stable, plus a small pen outside, set apart from the other wolves. Even though it was a pretty nice day today, Golmash didn’t seem to have much interest in going outside; he just stood around in his shelter, mostly staying in one corner. Ogunaro said that was pretty typical for the wolf — keeping to himself and hovering around in the shadows.
I ended up spending a couple hours studying Golmash. Ogunaro was right; there’s something not quite right about him. The wolf’s eyes glowed green, the same pale, sickly green shade that I know only too well. Definitely unnatural. Definitely unnerving to look at. The weird thing is, as much as I tried to get a read on him, I couldn’t detect any of the telltale signs of fel magic. At least nothing resembling a curse, or a fel affliction of some sort… Something’s wrong about that wolf, but for the life of me I can’t think of any spell I could cast on him that would come close to having that effect.
And then there’s the growl. Golmash was mostly quiet while I was there, but at one point, I tried to move closer to him while I cast a few spells. Thank goodness we had a couple Kor’kron beastmasters on hand to rein him in — he jumped and snapped at me, and… that growl.
How did Ogunaro describe it? “Hollow”? I suppose someone could describe it that way. Someone with no experience with shamanism. There was the echo, yes… like the overlapping barks of the spirit wolves a shaman can summon, layered over each other, only coming from one source. But that’s not a hollow sound to me. It’s full. Like the wolf has more in its voice than even its voice can contain.
Anyway, at that point, it was pretty clear that Golmash was in no mood for any more nonsense from me, plus I already had a few things to think about. Which is what I’ve been doing since I’ve been home.
I have an idea or two — or the beginnings of them, at least — but there are a few more things I need to check out. There are possibilities I have to check, and more than a little research for me to do. Some of which might send me back over to one of my other side jobs that I never asked for.
But I think I might be on to something.
I hope I’m wrong.
Mokvar
[Header image provided by Khizzara from Blog of the Treant, used here with permission and many thanks.]
Battle scars (part 1)
* Gurtash was wounded by a spectral assassin here and had been unconscious ever since he was rushed back to Orgrimmar.
{CONTINUED SOON™…}
Spazzle Speaks: Refer a Friend
Things have been quiet for a few days, thank goodness. Garrosh has been busy with whatever he does in Grommash Hold. Mokvar has been busy down in Ragefire Chasm. Ji’s been busy with…well, I’m not really sure what Ji’s been busy with, but I figure he must be busy, since he hasn’t raided my fridge in a while. So as long as he’s doing okay I guess that’s a good thing.
Anyhow, all the quiet time just means I have some free time to spend gaming.
You have logged on.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] So its like a patch
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey Spazzle
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well, kind of
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but different
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Good afternoon, Spazzle
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi mbc
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] How
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] BIGGER PRETTY MUCH
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey gayle
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, much much bigger, plus the expansions are when they make all the big changes to things
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] What kinds of things
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey everyone
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] gaahh!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new abilities for your class
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or sometimes they revise how your class works
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HI MR
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so close!
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] And usually break it.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] so what’s been going on?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Hello MrBadCrumble
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not terribly much, really.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] MORE LEVELS TOO
[Guild][MargoLane] not really, guys, but it’s ok
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea that too bart
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] A friend of Mokvar’s just joined the guild.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh no I hope they dont break mine
[Guild][MargoLane] let’s just start it up again
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] She’s running something with…well, the braintrust.
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I take it everyone’s heard?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh cool
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Don’t even get me started on how badly they messed up my recipes when they introduced Lactose Intolerance.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I wouldn’t worry about that, red
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i’m starting it
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] More levels??
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] About the expansion? Yes.
You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: a friend of yours?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I think they said they were getting rid of that next expansion
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] You’re still learning your class so it probably won’t be too big of a change
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Everyone’s been talking about it off and on as the information has come out.
You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: who’s that?
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh thank the spirits.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH THE NEW MAX LEVEL IS GOING TO BE 70
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] 70???
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah I’ve been streaming the coverage in the background
[Bartleby | Mokvar] whispered: Who do you think?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT’S WHAT THEY SAID
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] But I havent gotten to 60 yet!
You whispered to [Bartleby | Mokvar]: lol
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] I’m surprised you didn’t go to EarthCon this year, actually, Spaz.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] don’t worry, red, you still have plenty of time
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the expansion won’t be for months yet
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Oh okay
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] eh, well, those zep tickets aren’t cheap
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] probably longer
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH IT’S NOT GOING TO BE ANY TIME SOON
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] besides, when tickets were going on sale, I was kinda busy with more important things
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like trying to figure out if my friend was actually dead
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] They didn’t say when it’s going to be
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Right
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “soon”
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Um, sorry
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SOON
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] “Soon”™
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re NOT dead
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And that’s not
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Greetings, dear Warchief.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] just, y’know… earthcon!
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Well
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Soon?
You whispered to [MargoLane]: so, I guess I know you?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Hey
[Guild][Bartleby | Mokvar] No.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] nope
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Huh. What’s soon?
[MargoLane] whispered: lol, hi spazzle
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Hey, boss.
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] not usually
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] hi pwn
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] This game is very confusing at times
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] oh hey boss
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] HELLO OMGIPWNEDURFACE
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] new expansion
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Didn’t you say you had some meeting in Azshara today, Garrosh?
You whispered to [MargoLane]: keeping an eye on Mokvar here too? hehe
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW THATS HARD TO TYPE
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh shit, they announced it?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The new expansion?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh? what’s in azshara?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YAH
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, they did the announcement this morning
[MargoLane] whispered: eh, mostly just a way to pass the time
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh come now, Spazzle, you of all people should know what’s in Azshara.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] info’s been leaking out little by little all day
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Damn, I missed it
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Considering how much of it your kin have blown up.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So what’s it going to be?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] hey hey hey
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay yeah alright
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] TIME TRAVEL
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] at least we don’t make places glow green when we move in :-/
[MargoLane] whispered: plus from the way mok talks about them, it sounds like dontrag and utvoch can use as much help with their cashiering as they can get
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] “back to the future”
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It seems like a Caverns of Time inspired story
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I suspect that several irradiated former lab sites would beg to differ.
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] yeah yeah fine
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] …What?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO RED
You whispered to [MargoLane]: what are you doing with them?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] i know, right?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you suppose they consulted with Nozdormu about it
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So hang on, are they screwing with me or what?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] IDK
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Nope.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] but anyway, that’s why I was wondering
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Time travel
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] The fuck?
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I had much the same reaction at first, to be honest, Warchief.
[MargoLane] whispered: just taking them through some trade school scenarios and giving them pointers
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking hell…
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so I guess the way it’s going to work
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] if you were going to azshara, maybe I know some people up there
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] is we’re going to go back in time to key moments in earth history
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I think it’ll be pretty interesting to see some of those events we’ve been hearing about
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] not sure yet if we’re trying to change what happens
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, maybe, I wanted to keep this fairly hush hush until I saw how things were going to go
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] or, yea, if we’re doing the noz thing
You whispered to [MargoLane]: how’s it coming along?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WHAT DO YOU MEAN
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ugggghhhhh
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fuck
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, it’s official
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] I just mean all the lore events that we read about in the quests
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, what she said
[MargoLane] whispered: slowly
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How what was going to go?
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOZ
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] They are seriously running out of ideas
[Guild][MargoLane] ok ok come on you two
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Or in those books that you can click on to read more about the world
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, like
[Guild][MargoLane] another try
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL HE HATES WHEN PEOPLE CALL HIM THAT
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, clandestine undertakings. How intriguing!
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the world wars
You whispered to [MargoLane]: haha, well good luck
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Ahem, Honalee…
[Guild][MargoLane] let’s try actually using the register this time
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the french revolution
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] the fall of rome
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Fucking time travel…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Intriguing primarily, of course, because I would know nothing of such things.
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] ok good idea
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that kind of thing
[MargoLane] whispered: lol thanks
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] I MEAN SO I’VE HEARD
[Guild][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, that reminds me, I still need to find one more of those books for the achievement
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m meeting with a goblin engineer who might start working on improving the ol’ arsenal
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] OH WOW YOU READ THOSE
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] huh, who is it? I might know them
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You dont
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NO
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] So is it those three events specifically, or what?
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] How’s it looking?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Good so far
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Do you mean the books or the quests
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] EITHER
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were a bunch of events we were going to interact with
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He already has some preliminary designs that he could rework for our purposes pretty easily
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] those were just a few examples
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Are you going back to meet with him again?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] You don’t read the quests
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Really
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they said there were going to be others
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] LOL NO
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] No, I think I’m going to get everything wrapped up while I’m here
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh, you’re still up there?
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Arent you supposed to
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] What are we supposed to be doing, though?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] how are you getting online?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] NOT REALLY YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE QUEST
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got a really sweet gaming setup here
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] that’s what I’m trying to figure out
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Oh nice.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] wait, blackfuse?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] they haven’t made it very clear
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Wouldn’t we have to be trying to preserve history, if it’s based on the Caverns of Time
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] He’s got this whole underground headquarters under the mountains with computer equipment like you wouldn’t believe
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] we don’t know if that’s what they’re going for, though
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THAT WOULD BE PRETTY WEIRD OTHERWISE
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that’s him
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] blackfuse as in HELIX blackfuse?
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, that would be pretty damn lame if they try to build an expansion out of us going back in time and changing history
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Goodness, a subterranean lair within which all manner of unspeakable endeavors might secretly be pursued? What -will- they think of next.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I agree pwn but you never know
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wtf
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] You’d be surprised.
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] You know him?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] dammit this thing cheats
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] If we change history though wouldn’t that undo what our characters are doing now
[MargoLane] whispered: fyi, your friends are idiots
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] you’re hiring him?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Did you just nod off the last few minutes and miss the whole conversation?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] see that’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out, red
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yes, I’m hiring him
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, I’m not sure what they’re going to do either way
[Guild][MargoLane] it’s okay, guys, we’ll try some more tomorrow
You whispered to [MargoLane]: you need to be more specific
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] because if we change history, how do they get around undoing everything that’s happened since
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: boss, you really really don’t want to
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] ok thanks
[Guild][MargoLane] read those links i gave you
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] One word of advice, boss, try not to let him talk you into a payment plan
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: for real
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] unless they set it up somehow so that changing the past doesn’t change the present
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] The interest is where they really get you.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] And then what would even be the point
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: And I don’t want to, because…?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] right exactly
[Guild][MargoLane] meanwhile i think i’m going to log
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] All I’m gonna say about this, for the last time
[MargoLane] whispered: lol
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then also if we go back and have to change things
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know he’s probably rolling out some really impressive-looking tech, and he’s definitely crazy smart, but believe me, you don’t want to get mixed up with him
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged on.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] well they only change because we went back, right?
[Guild][MargoLane] i need a drink
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Right
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] k bye margo
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] is FUCKING TIME TRAVEL
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] but then we get back to the present and we don’t have a reason to go back anymore
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] and thanks
[MargoLane] has logged off.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] so we don’t go back
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and then things happen the way they did originally because we weren’t there
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Right, see, I’m still waiting on the WHY part of all this
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and so now we DO need to go back
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] WOW
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: because he’s not just crazy smart
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] …
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and in that case, aren’t we just getting ourselves stuck in a loop?
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s CRAZY
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] THIS IS GETTING REALLY DEEP
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] wait wut
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] where we just keep going around over and over having to redo the same things
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Yeah, well, look, inventors are supposed to be a little eccentric
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] um
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] It is Honalee but I think it’s pretty interesting
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: The whole mad scientist type
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] just to keep time from breaking apart or whatever
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh hey that sounds familiar somehow
[Guild][ProfHubert | Faranell] all right then. check please.
[ProfHubert | Faranell] has logged off.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] do you rememeber that doc
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: You’ve got a little dose of that yourself, I’ll have you know
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] oh crap he logged
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] YOUR PROBABLY THINKING ABOUT THIS WAY TOO MUCH
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea I probably am
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] oh geez ut are you going on about that again
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Well well, it appears that the wonder twins are back.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: garrosh I’m serious
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] i mean steve
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Which means it is, as the ogre would say, time for fun.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean I guess they can do what they want, it’s not like it’s real life
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Uh oh, here we go.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Still it would be nice if they tried to have it make sense
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, don’t hold your breath on that from the look of this
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: I know you don’t usually listen to me about policy decisions and yeah it’s not really my area, but just this time please listen to me
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] yea, I guess we’ll see
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] ^_^
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] ANYHOW I NEED TO GO
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah gil i told you before
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude what’s up with you about this guy
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] it really happened like i said
[Guild][HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] SEE EVERYONE SOON
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] Bye Honalee
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] later puff
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: What, did he wrinkle one of your damn comic books or something?
[HonaleePuff | Kalecgos] has logged off.
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, are you two done with your training scenarios? You completed them triumphantly and have your shiny new name badges, I trust?
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] oh and one other feature they were talking about
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] no
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: he’s not stable
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Um, have you not seen the people I’ve got surrounding me
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no, it didn’t go so good
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I guess at endgame you get to go back to ancient egypt and build your own pyramid
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: no no no I don’t mean like neurotic unstable
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] and gather followers there
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, I see.
[Guild][LivingRedGirl | Alexstrasza] That doesn’t sound very much like preserving the integrity of history
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Oh geez, just what I need
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] That’s a shame.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: blackfuse is brilliant but he’s honest-to-physics DANGEROUS
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] yea it kind asucks
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] lol yea i know
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Like I don’t have a hard enough time dealing with my student minions already
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] could be interesting, though
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Now I get to deal with more?
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] You see, gentlemen, I was so hoping that you might earn your name tags and by so doing settle the nagging question that has vexed us lo these many months.
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] you know, I bet they’re going to base it on the teacher mechanic, too
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: back in kezan even gallywix knew to give him a wide berth
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] like the way you give assignments
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Ugh, don’t remind me. I’m trying to give out my daily homework now
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait what?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] no no, see we need to get a high score to pass, now a low one
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Having to do it all individually is a huge pain
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t think that’s what she means gil
[Guild][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I don’t know why they don’t just set it up so I can click on my teacher desk or something and hand out all the assignments at once
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Not to intrude on your gameplay, Warchief
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well what do you think it is
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Dude, Gallywix gives EVERYONE a wide berth
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] But I believe there’s an addon you can use for those assignments.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i don’t know
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I don’t know
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] lol jinx
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: Have you not seen him? Motherfucker is huge, in a not-tall way
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] something about a question
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] Yeah, I know
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I mean, yea, it would be convenient if you could click on a table and do it that way
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yea but what question?
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I use it, normally
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] well thats a question
[Guild][Nightengayle | Garona] I bet that would get pretty tedious after a few weeks though
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] yeah that’s A question but i don’t think it’s THE question
[Officer][Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] I just don’t have any of my usual addons since I’m not on my own computer here
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: wait
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] whats the difference
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Ah, I see.
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] donty you idiot
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re not on your laptop?
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] one’s with a and one’s with the
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] duh
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: No
[Officer][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] I would imagine that would leave you feeling a bit out of sorts.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: how are you online then?
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] so um
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I told you, I’m connecting from Blackfuse’s place
[Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh] whispered: I’m on his computer
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] Oh, very well, gentlemen, i’ll spare you your coy maneuvering and lay my cards on the table.
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: um…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait we’re playing cards?
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: so I’ve been saying…
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] i thought this was EO
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: you’re logged onto…
You whispered to [Omgipwnedurface | Garrosh]: frak
[Guild][LivinDeadGrl | Sylvanas] The pertinent question to which I allude is, of course, the ongoing mystery of which of you is Dontrag, and which one is Utvoch.
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] okay sorry to be abrupt everybody but I really need to log off
[Guild][SteveKravitz | Utvoch] wait that’s still a mystery?
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] like right right now
[Officer][Bartleby | Mokvar] Later, Spaz
[Guild][GilbertRose | Dontrag] dammit ut did you lose the letter from overlord cliffwalker again
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I’ll talk to everyone later
[Officer][MrBadcrumble | Spazzle] I hope
You have logged off.
So yeah, not to be rude to you folks, too, but I need to wrap this up fast. I’ve got hacking to do. Like, a lot of it. Pronto. Time is money!
And…survival!
CLICK!
Divided Loyalties
Since I’ve been back in Orgrimmar, I’ve been kept so busy most days that I’ve hardly had time to stop, catch my breath, and really get back to the normal, mundane business of everyday life. It hasn’t just been the meetings with Garrosh, or the time spent in Ragefire Chasm with Overseer Elaglo or the Cleft of Shadow with Neeru. (Who hasn’t gotten any less coolly unsettling, by the way.) The biggest time sink has been getting my life back together in tangible terms. I suppose most people never need to worry about the practical ramifications of their own deaths, but believe me, when you’re exiled, then declared dead, getting all of that backtracked and your life out of mothballs is a giant pain. Honestly, I used to chuckle at Garrosh getting all irritable over paperwork and triplicate forms. Never again.
In retrospect, it’s a little ironic that Neeru mentioned the other day how unlikely he thought it would be for me to hide the Nether Prism at my house, where someone could break in and steal it. I don’t know if there’s anyplace in Orgrimmar that would have been MORE secure; at that point, my old place was still sealed up under Kor’kron security orders. Any rogue this side of Garona would have had an easier time stealthing into Orgrimmar than breaking into my place. After returning to town, I ended up spending more time cutting through red tape than anything else – getting my house unlocked, my old stuff pulled from storage and returned, my name removed from death records all over the place… Although, honestly, if the tax office wants to go on thinking I’m dead, I probably won’t complain about that one.
Still, all the time I’ve had to spend getting my life back together, combined with all the time spent meeting with the people I’ve needed to, means that until now I haven’t had much time to get caught up with some of the people I’ve wanted to.
JI: Oh… so… are we not having lunch?
SPAZZLE: Uh oh. Here we go…
MOKVAR: Lunch? Well, no, I hadn’t really… Are you hungry?
SPAZZLE: Wow, you really have been away for a long time.
JI: Oh, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.
MOKVAR: Okay. Yeah, sorry, Ji.
JI: It’s just that I suppose I assumed, given the time you said to come over, that we would be having lunch…
MOKVAR: Right. But, no, Ji, I wasn’t thinking lunch. Just that we could sit back and have a few drinks and talk.
JI: Drinks are good!
MOKVAR: Okay, great. So why don’t you guys—
JI: I suppose it’s my mistake. I should have thought to eat earlier.
MOKVAR: Um… would you like me to get you something, Ji?
JI: Oh, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.
MOKVAR: Right. So…
JI: I could swear I smelled something cooking, though.
MOKVAR: Yeah… that’s, um, that’s some clefthoof stew I have simmering for dinner tonight.
SPAZZLE: You realize you’re just digging yourself deeper, right?
JI: Oh, I see… so it’s not ready yet?
MOKVAR: Well… it is, but… I mean, it’s one of those things where it gets better the longer you let it simmer. So I usually let it sit for most of the day, and…
JI: Oh, I’m not picky! It doesn’t have to be perfect.
SPAZZLE: Aaaaaaaand here we go.
MOKVAR: Would… you like some, Ji?
JI: Just a small helping, if you please.
MOKVAR: Um… okay. Why don’t you guys have a seat while I…yeah.
Mokvar retrieves a large pot from the hearth while Spazzle and Ji sit around a circular table.
SPAZZLE: <turning to look at side of his chair> Mokvar, what’s up with these stickers on your stuff?
Mokvar returns and sets a plate on the table before Ji.
MOKVAR: Oh, those? That’s from Kor’kron impoundment.
SPAZZLE: Yikes. How much did they take out of here?
MOKVAR: A lot.
Mokvar scoops a small ladle of stew onto Ji’s plate. Ji leans down to inspect the food a moment, then looks up at Mokvar quizzically.
Is… something wrong?
JI: Well, I did mean a little larger small helping.
MOKVAR: Well maybe it would save time if you just took the whole—
Ji snatches the pot from Mokvar happily.
JI: Thank you, Mokvar!
Ji starts ladling large scoops of stew onto his plate.
MOKVAR: <turning back to Spazzle> Did you want some, too, Spaz?
Ji looks up from the food with an expression of faint concern.
SPAZZLE: No, I’m good.
Ji beams and continues shoveling stew onto his plate.
MOKVAR: Anyway… yeah, they took most of the stuff out of here. Pretty much anything you could carry without needing a second set of hands.
SPAZZLE: Yikes. Your computer, too?
MOKVAR: Oh, man, that was the biggest headache to get back.
SPAZZLE: Did they go through your files? Or could you even tell?
Ji sets down the pot and ties a napkin around his neck.
MOKVAR: I don’t think so. <chuckles> My password lock showed something like five hundred failed attempts to log on.
Ji rubs his paws together, then starts to eat eagerly.
SPAZZLE: Eesh. You know, I’ll bet you anything Malkorok was beating his head against the wall on that one personally.
MOKVAR: Oh no doubt. That’s why I made a point of setting a password he’d never think to try.
SPAZZLE: Oh? What was it?
MOKVAR: “Malkorok.”
SPAZZLE: Ha!
JI: <mouth full of stew> Daff’s fweally thpart, Bokbar.
MOKVAR: Um…thanks. Need any salt, Ji?
JI: <back to eating> Doh tahk yew.
SPAZZLE: That was pretty clever, though. I bet it ticked him off something fierce not being able to crack it.
MOKVAR: I’m half surprised they didn’t bring you in to try to hack in. I’m sure you could have.
SPAZZLE: <shrugs> Who knows. I was probably under suspicion myself by that point. Speaking of which, actually…
Spazzle starts digging through his backpack, then produces a small totem of orcish design.
You gave me this. Back in Everlook. I know you probably don’t need it anymore, or even… well, you know, what with you not being a shaman anymore, but…
Spazzle hands the totem to Mokvar.
I figured it should come back to you either way.
MOKVAR: Thanks.
Mokvar looks at the totem in his hands for a moment, then carries it to the mantle over the hearth and sets it down. Ji looks up at what Mokvar is doing, then turns his attention back to ladling more stew onto his plate.
I don’t figure I’ll have much use for these anymore, yeah. Who knows, though, the way Elaglo and Xorenth are blurring the lines between shamans and warlocks.
SPAZZLE: With the dark shamans, you mean?
MOKVAR: Yeah.
SPAZZLE: What are they doing down there, anyway?
MOKVAR: Mostly working on improving their elemental command spells. They’re pretty much trying to maintain better control of summoned elementals, making it less of an “elements hear my prayer” and more of an “elements do my bidding.”
Mokvar walks back to the table.
SPAZZLE: Like the molten giants at Northwatch.
MOKVAR: Yeah, exactly.
Mokvar looks into the now-empty pot sitting on the table next to Ji, then looks to Ji himself.
All done?
JI: <looks down at his empty plate, then smiles> It was very good, thank you!
MOKVAR: Sure you won’t have any more?
JI: <looks at his plate again, then back up> Is there any more?
MOKVAR: No, there isn’t.
JI: I thought not.
MOKVAR: Yeah. So…
SPAZZLE: For what it’s worth, you’re getting off lighter than I did the last time Ji ate at my place.
MOKVAR: Why? What happened?
JI: Oh bother.
SPAZZLE: He got stuck in the door on his way out.
MOKVAR: You’re…kidding.
JI: It wasn’t my fault!
SPAZZLE: Well it all comes from eating too much.
JI: It all comes from not having front doors big enough!
SPAZZLE: Well, next time, you can host.
JI: I will!
MOKVAR: Well, anyway…
JI: What should I make?
SPAZZLE: Huh?
JI: When you come over.
SPAZZLE: I… we didn’t even really plan it.
JI: Well yes, but I like to plan what I’m cooking in advance!
SPAZZLE: I, um, I’m easy to please.
JI: I might need to go shopping, after all.
SPAZZLE: Really, Ji, you don’t need to make anything special on my account.
MOKVAR: Spaz.
JI: Oh, nonsense. You’re a guest. <thoughtfully> Now, there’s also the Pandaren Noodle Festival to think of…
SPAZZLE: The what?
MOKVAR: Spaz.
JI: Well I wouldn’t want to repeat something being served at the festival and seem lazy, after all…
SPAZZLE: No, really, anything you would make—
JI: You’re sure? I would hate for you to come all that way and not have something you enjoyed.
MOKVAR: Ji, I think what he means is that he’d like to be surprised.
SPAZZLE: Uh…
JI: Oh!
MOKVAR: That’s part of the fun of being a lunch guest…right, Spazzle?
JI: I like surprises!
SPAZZLE: Um… Oh. Yeah! Surprises. Yes sir, nothing more fun than…uh… surprise lunch. Yeah.
JI: Oh, this will be fun. I can try making— oh, oops, I almost spoiled it.
SPAZZLE: No spoilers!
JI: Yes, yes, silly me. I— wait, when are you coming over again?
SPAZZLE: Uh…
MOKVAR: That’s part of the surprise.
JI: <blinks> Oh.
SPAZZLE: Uh, right!
JI: Well I suppose that’s… <tilts head> I should have thought of that. How silly of me.
Mokvar slumps into a chair.
SPAZZLE: So hey, now that you’re working over there with those dark shaman guys, have you been able to find out how Garrosh managed to bring them on board?
MOKVAR: How do you mean?
SPAZZLE: You know, like after he shut them down when they were in Ragefire Chasm before.
JI: They used to be enemies?
SPAZZLE: It was before you got to town, Ji. But yeah. Rumors about them were flying all over the place, but no one ever really got any solid information. All anybody really knows is that we had expeditions going down into Ragefire for a while trying to shut down whatever they were doing.
JI: Oh. So now they’re on our side?
SPAZZLE: Apparently.
MOKVAR: Yeah. About that.
SPAZZLE: Uh oh. It’s never something good when people start like that.
MOKVAR: Yeah.
Mokvar sits quietly for a moment.
SPAZZLE: Oh geez. That bad, huh? What did Garrosh have to offer them to bring them over?
MOKVAR: It’s not that. They were always over.
SPAZZLE: The what you say?
JI: I’m confused.
SPAZZLE: Welcome to Orgrimmar.
MOKVAR: The dark shamans were always Kor’kron operatives. Even in the beginning, when it looked like they were renegades making trouble in RFC. The whole business about them being some rogue shaman group was just a front they were putting up.
SPAZZLE: They— but why?
MOKVAR: Plausible deniability, I guess? In case their dark shamanism angle turned bad? Meanwhile… the expeditions that were sent down there to “clean up” the problem were just… training exercises, pretty much. A way to weed out the weak – on both ends.
SPAZZLE: Wait – so Garrosh knew about this? He planned it?
MOKVAR: Big picture, it was his plan to build a force of dark shamans. How much he knew about the nuts and bolts… I don’t know. I’m guessing at least some of the job of making the trains run on time went to Malkorok, but… I don’t know. I’m still being kept in the dark about a lot of things. I probably know too much as it is. Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this much.
SPAZZLE: Gee, thanks.
MOKVAR: I don’t mean like that. Hell, Spaz, I wouldn’t…
Mokvar trails off, looking back at the extinguished totem on the mantle, then gestures to it as he turns back to Spazzle.
I wouldn’t have left that with you if I didn’t trust you. I just mean I’ve already dragged you into too much trouble as it is. I don’t want you to be stuck keeping more secrets again now.
SPAZZLE: Uh… yeah… About that…
Spazzle looks around uncomfortably, then stares at the floor for a moment.
<quietly> I’ve been talking to Vol’jin.
MOKVAR: You’ve… been…
SPAZZLE: A lot. For a few months now.
MOKVAR: Uh, Spaz, I know you’re a shaman and talk to ancestral spirits and all…
SPAZZLE: Well, in theory.
MOKVAR: Yeah, well, the point is, I didn’t realize that the spirits in question included trolls for you.
SPAZZLE: No, no, they don’t. I don’t mean I’m… Vol’jin’s alive.
MOKVAR: He— wha— how?
SPAZZLE: I actually blogged about this, you know.
MOKVAR: Yeah, sorry, that must have been during that period when I was sort of preoccupied with not being corpsecamped by spectral assassins.
SPAZZLE: Yeah, well. He’s alive. He’s recovering from injuries still in Pandaria, but he’s alive.
MOKVAR: Okay, so… Vol’jin’s alive, Jaina’s a warmonger, Garrosh has a half-draenei kid – what else did I miss? Is Utvoch dating Magatha? Did Alleria and Turalyon finally turn up? Did Grommash actually not drink the blood—
SPAZZLE: Well now you’re getting ridiculous.
MOKVAR: Well who knows at this point? How is Vol’jin alive? He survived the saurok attack after all?
SPAZZLE: It wasn’t a saurok attack. I mean, there were saurok, but… One of the Kor’kron tried to kill Vol’jin. Nearly did. He left him for dead, and Vol’jin’s had his supporters keeping up the lie that he is dead since then.
MOKVAR: Oh fel… And Garrosh…?
SPAZZLE: Doesn’t know. And he can’t find out.
MOKVAR: So… you mean he…?
SPAZZLE: Yeah.
MOKVAR: You’re sure? I don’t know why I’m even surprised, but… you’re sure?
SPAZZLE: The Kor’kron staged a takeover of the Echo Isles right after word of Vol’jin’s death broke.
MOKVAR: Spirits…
SPAZZLE: They had the place under military occupation until Thrall and a few others overthrew them.
MOKVAR: Does Garrosh know about this? I can’t imagine he does, otherwise – and I can’t believe I’m about to say this – I have to figure he would be in a much worse mood these days.
SPAZZLE: No, he doesn’t. Only a few people do.
MOKVAR: But how? I can see the Vol’jin thing being kept quiet, okay, but how could he not have found out about this?
SPAZZLE: There were still a few Kor’kron who trained under Saurfang, who are loyal to Thrall. Captain Gort, a few others… They’ve been reporting to Orgrimmar and maintaining the appearance that the occupation is still going on.
MOKVAR: Spaz… you have to know where this is heading.
SPAZZLE: <nods> I’ve been trying not to think about it.
MOKVAR: So you haven’t told Garrosh… Are you…?
SPAZZLE: <shakes his head> I haven’t been doing anything for them other than keeping quiet. I told Vol’jin before… I won’t work against him and Thrall, but I won’t betray Garrosh, either.
MOKVAR: You know if he finds out about this…
SPAZZLE: I know.
MOKVAR: Especially after… oh, man, Spaz, I’m sorry I dragged you into my whole mess. Both of you.
JI: You didn’t do anything. You’re a friend. You needed help. <shrugs> Anything else is just distraction.
SPAZZLE: Don’t worry about me, Mokvar. You’ve got enough on your plate as it is.
JI: <perking up> Wait, is there another plate?
SPAZZLE: Figuratively, Ji, figuratively…
VOICE: Well, there is…
A whooshing sound is heard, then, in the empty chair next to Mokvar, Deliana unstealths, holding a plate of what appears to be a few leftover bites of stew.
DELIANA: I had to move fast just to get a mouthful for myself before you inhaled it all.
Mokvar eyes a surprised Spazzle and Ji, then shrugs.
MOKVAR: What’s one more layer of compromise at this point, right?
SPAZZLE: Oh…man.
JI: Does Garrosh know she’s—?
MOKVAR: What do you think, Ji?
DELIANA: There aren’t exactly a lot of Alliance-looking types strolling around Orgrimmar unkilled.
JI: Well, that Shayari is a draenei…
DELIANA: Oh, don’t get me started on little miss fancy-hooves.
MOKVAR: You’re just mad because she turned you into a sheep.
DELIANA: Oh, good, annoy your security net. That’s a smart plan.
MOKVAR: I’m just saying.
SPAZZLE: So wait, how long have you been in Orgrimmar?
MOKVAR: Pretty much as long as I have.
DELIANA: I’ve had to sneak in and out a few times, but yeah.
SPAZZLE: What have you been doing?
DELIANA: Mostly giving Mokvar an extra set of eyes that no one knows is there. And some help on stand-by in case something goes bad.
MOKVAR: With everything that’s going on with the shamans, and Neeru, and… hell, I can’t even be sure Malkorok might not still try something at some point.
DELIANA: I can watch his back, and stealth around to check on things. And if nothing else, we know I don’t have anyone I have to answer to.
SPAZZLE: Yeah. You’re lucky that way.
Everyone sits quietly for a moment, looking back and forth between them.
MOKVAR: Well… whatever happens from here on, one way or another, I guess we’re all in it together now.
JI: Weren’t we always?
MOKVAR: You’re a good kid, Ji.
SPAZZLE: So… question is… what side are we on?
Mokvar looks back at Spazzle uneasily, then glances to Deliana. Spazzle exchanges looks with Mokvar and Ji, while Deliana leans forward against the table, drumming her fingers. Ji returns Spazzle’s glance, then turns to Mokvar and Deliana before looking back down at his plate. He considers the last bit of potato for a moment, then nudges the plate away from him and slumps back in his chair.
Mokvar
